Sep 9 2008, 11:27 AM
My bf and I have a good sex life, but often I find myself being really horny and he just ignores my advances completely. It makes me feel like I'm horny TOO often. I think it might be because often I'll go down on him etc and then he just lies back and does nothing, feeling satisfied, not realizing that maybe I need attention too.. and he doesn't realize when its been a few days because he got his just yesterday?? I'm just not sure how to broach the topic... we just moved in together and we're really happy, its just I'm frustrated occasionally..
Sep 9 2008, 01:37 PM
I think I might just say what you just wrote. Except frame it in the sort of way that will really hit home for him. "I just can't get enough of you, and sometimes I feel like you forget about me after I take care of you, and since I am so attracted to you I would love to have more sex with you" Something along those lines. I mean most men would love to hear that their partner wants more sex. I am not sure this could go over badly no matter what you say:)
Sep 12 2008, 09:07 AM
Thanks Katie.. we're working on it
Sep 14 2008, 01:56 AM
Oct 1 2008, 03:29 AM
honestly, if I don't have sex with a certain guy very soon, I think I'm going to explode. Problem is, I'm the one who's set the boundaries for where we need to be before I want to go there. So I can't break them. (I mean I could, but I'd rather keep em) That said, all I think about is how much I want to fuck this guy. Every time I kiss him, I just want to grab his hair, drag him into the alley, and attack him. ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!! Damn trying to approach things in a healthy, mature way! It's getting in the way of me recklessly fucking him!! Granted, when it happens, the sex will probably be all the better for waiting it out, but ARRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Oct 1 2008, 05:23 AM
Oct 8 2008, 12:00 AM
I was getting it on a regular basis, about once a week, but then I got cocky. I was so sure of my ability to snag a guy or girl, either new or tried-and-true, that the gods decided to smack me back into place. Tsk tsk, never tempt the fates. It has now been a month, and I'm feeling it. I know it isn't that long, comparatively, but that doesn't stop me from feeling a little like sexiling my roommate for a little 'alone time' tonight.
konphusion, I hope you and your guy can find a way to work things out! The only thing I can think of is to find out if there's a time when both of you are feeling alert. Like, is he a morning person at all, or do you both get a second wind in the afternoon? That or using caffeine, but that's definitely a solution that can't be overused.
Oct 8 2008, 12:57 AM
thank you nezumi! Turns out him being tired wasnt the only problem. I posted in the Committed, Pt. 2
thread, the other factors of why I wasn't getting any!! But we've since resolved the issue- in more ways than one
Oct 8 2008, 05:51 PM
I need some oral.....BAD......
Oct 10 2008, 08:33 PM
Yay, I'm happy for you konphusion!
And I SO agree geekchick!
Oct 13 2008, 04:34 PM
I just realized I haven't had sex for more than two months. And I barely masturbate anymore. No wonder I'm gaining weight.
Oct 28 2008, 11:58 PM
A whole week away together . . . and no lovin'. Lots of intimacy; reaquainting, kissing, touching, caressing, etc. But NO BOOT. He doesn't want to fuck again until he feels our issues are resolved. Which I thought we were well on our way to. But it was cock cock everywhere & not a drop to drink. GRRRRR!
Oct 29 2008, 12:46 PM
wha? for real AP?
Oct 30 2008, 06:10 PM
Seriously. He didn't touch the front. At. All. And he LOVES my tetas. And I put them out there in one of those plunging V bras. At various points I knew he was totally hard & I was receptive & aroused, but no go. And he wouldn't even let me play with it a little. I even got a little paranoid at one point & wanted to know if he'd been fucking somebody else & if that was why he didn't want to be intimate. He assured me he wasn't & I believed him as he is a SHITE liar. Like a really SHITE liar. His right eyeball gets all twitchy when he lies. It's why he never wins at poker unless he has on shades. Anyway, towards the end, I was lying with my back against his chest with my arms behind his neck & his hands on my hips while we watched a movie. I could feel the tension in his hands as he tried to not cup my boobies. I even wriggled around & got him hard even & nothing happened. And I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted some anal lovin'.
Oct 30 2008, 06:55 PM
(((AP))) I feel your pain so much girl.
My teeth were clenching as I was sitting here reading your story. I've so been there, and often. I hope that your guy will give you some relief soon. I mean I can understand why he's doing it, but it just sounds so frustrating being that close and him not making a move. Gaah!!
Nov 18 2008, 02:36 AM
End of semester meltdown and all alone. Happily single, really! I'm not the type for a fling. And in the past it only got this bad in the springtime! I'll be better once projects and exams are over...hopefully...
Dec 12 2008, 11:56 AM
I'm bumping this for everyone. I feel your pain ladies. Just gone through a break up, no sex now for about 2.5 months and I am climbing the walls so badly! I really wish I could just have an amazing, hot fling with some cutie. Just a few nights. Just one night, even! One long night of really dirty, sweaty, hardcore action. I neeeeeeeed it!
Dec 16 2008, 11:44 PM
I NEED TO GET LAID SO FUCKING BADLY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT HELP HELP HELP HELP
Dec 27 2008, 01:10 AM
Five and a half weeks and counting......I only realized the other day that it had been over a month.
UTI>>>period>>>>thrush OK IT'S BEEN LONG ENOUGH NOW!
Dec 30 2008, 12:54 PM
It doesn't get any easier, even after many many years!
Jan 2 2009, 03:06 PM
Well, I'm definately in the "so long ago I can't remember" phase considering I haven't had any sex since the last post I made on this thread, which was in 2006. So that means I'm at the 5+ year mark since my last sexual activity with another person. Although, it is getting to the point where I don't really remember what I'm missing, so it's not like it's really bothering me all that much. But I'm getting so bored with masturbation that I can barely get myself off anymore, so maybe I should get up off my ass and go find someone to fuck.
Jan 5 2009, 01:19 PM
It's been 2 months now since I've had sex with the L-D guy. From our most recent phone conversation, I'm guessing that I won't get to see him in January either. He initially said that he was going to buy a plane ticket and fly down here this month, but now that doesn't seem to be an option. I'm not really sure why, other than he doesn't want to spend the money. Now he's talking about waiting until he can renew his pilot's license and he and his dad fix up their plane (a small 2-seater Cessna) so he can fly down here himself. But he estimates that it won't happen until March. I don't know if I can wait that long. I'm going crazy with frustration and it's not good for my brain. Or my heart.
Jan 6 2009, 04:17 AM
My lovely fiance and I have not had sex in ages and ages and I think I may die (along with my poor vibrator, which will quite probably need to be replaced soon). We've been engaged for almost four years, but we couldn't get married for the first two (we live in New Jersey, where same-sex marriage/civil unions were recognized beginning in 2007) and then a few months later she became seriously ill. We lost our apartment, her car, and her income, so we had to move in with a homophobic relative of hers who doesn't know we're lesbians while she underwent chemotherapy treatments for a year and a half. Now she's on permanent disability. Throughout all of this, we have not had sex except for once last summer and on her birthday the year before that, but I was patient and understanding because I knew how sick she was, since I was the one taking care of her night and day. I was never bitter or resentful about it because I'm not a total jerk, but it was a difficult time for both of us. She used to be the one to take care of me and do sweet or romantic things to surprise me occasionally, or just indulge me in little ways, but when she got sick, I became her nurse, her caretaker, chauffer, chef, appointment setter, etc - basically her mother. And I happily took care of everything she needed because, unlike her disease, I could control those things. However, she has been doing great now (thank goodness) for seven months and STILL NOTHING! We don't even make out. We're not intimate in any way. We love each other deeply and say it all the time, but I am not feeling fulfilled without this critical part of our relationship. We've talked about it SEVERAL times and she always says she just doesn't feel like it, but it isn't about me but I'm having a hard time believing her at this point because nothing has changed. I love her more than I can even say and can't imagine my life without her, but I feel like I can't go on like this. It seems ridiculous to survive all of the horrible obstacles that we've overcome over the past four years and then break up over what is supposed to be the easy part of relationships, but I feel like we've just devolved into best friends or something. I mean, what is the real difference between best friends/roommates and a lesbian couple? The love and the sex. I'm sorry to have gotten into a big long rant here, but it isn't just the physical sex part that I miss so desperately (although that is a huge and very important part of it), its the intimacy and emotional connection that goes along with making love to the woman you adore. I need that. I'm so far beyond frustrated I don't know what to do!
Jan 6 2009, 04:26 PM
Big hugs, femme. You truly stepped up and did the right thing for your fiance. I was moved reading your story of how you've cared for her. At this point, I'd recommend low cost counseling for you, if not couples counseling for you both. Most community counseling centers have sliding scale fees, which means they're generally willing to take what you're willing to pay for counseling sessions. As long as you're comfortable with the person who is counseling you, I think it's an excellent way to help you work through your feelings. And, perhaps, help your fiance work through hers, if she's willing to go to couples counseling with you.
Jan 7 2009, 08:56 PM
I agree with thirtiesgirl. Also, if your fiancee is willing, she could get a complete medical workup with her physician or NP to make sure there's nothing physical going on that's reducing her sex drive (assuming she sees this as a problem as well). Is she on any medications that might be affecting it (antidepressants are the most notorious)? You're absolutely right that physical intimacy is a very important part of a relationship, and you're not shallow for wanting that.
Jan 8 2009, 04:57 PM
I am also curious about what type of cancer your partner had. I've heard, particularly in the case of breast cancer (and if mastectomy or even reconstructive surgery is done) that one or both partners has intimacy issues after.
I think counselling would help, too.
Jan 10 2009, 04:56 AM
thanks thirtiesgirl, dayglowpink and culturehandy. I've talked to her about seeing a couple's therapist with me but she kind of blows me off or changes the subject and just insists it isn't me. I'm hoping things get better soon or I'll have to press the issue some more. Before she got sick, my fiancee was a counselor for abused kids at a local shelter, and I think being on the other side of the "couch" makes her uncomfortable seeing a therapist.
To answer your question, ch, she doesn't have cancer, but was being treated with chemotherapy to combat advanced renal failure due to lupus, which is an autoimmune disease which basically caused her own immune system to attack her own organs, specifically, her kidneys. Most people with lupus don't present the way she did, but the theory was that by using chemotherapy to suppress her immune system, the flare-up would settle down and prevent further damage to her kidneys. She has been waiting on the transplant list for almost two years now for a new kidney. She isn't on dialysis yet (she still has barely enough kidney function to survive without it), but the chemotherapy wasn't working the way they hoped it would and she kept having to be hospitalized for severe dehydration from the nausea and vomiting caused by the chemo, which was actually more dangerous for her kidneys than no chemo at all, so they discontinued treatments. Now she just takes blood pressure medications, which she's been on since she was first diagnosed at age 12, and low dose steroids, which she has been on for almost two years. The one good thing is that she doesn't feel sick at all and never really has, except from the chemo. Sorry for the long backstory, I just wanted to try to explain it a little better. Her hair grew back, she's back to her normal weight, and she looks and feels great, considering she has less than 10% of her kidney function. We're just waiting for the transplant, biding our time before she starts dialysis.
Before she got sick, we had an awesome sex life. I didn't even really think about sex at all while she was undergoing chemo, I was just so worried about her and focused on learning this whole new medical language and bringing her to the best doctors and packing up and moving out of our townhouse. I took a semester off from school to take care of her and we actually became a lot closer to one another in a lot of ways during this time. We started talking about putting our lives back together and moving out into our own place again once we could save enough money, and we have even been setting a tentative timeline for when we can start trying to get me pregnant. I just assumed the sex would start up again organically and naturally. I mean, sure there are some logistics involved now that we live closeted lives with a homophobic relative and we have a puppy in our room while we're here, which can be distracting while making love (but funny!), but I am still shocked that we have to plan it in advance and make an appointment, which we (actually, she) inevitably cancel(s). I just feel like I can't wait till we have the house to ourselves so I can take my time to drink her in and reaquaint myself with her body and her love and that whole part of our relationship (and to be honest, I can't wait for her to do the same and more to me) but I get the feeling that she is not interested in any of that at all, and when I try, she gives me an excuse for why she doesn't feel like it. She keeps putting me off, "Tomorrow", "how about tuesday night?", "sunday will be better", etc. I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do (as a rape/incest survivor, I am so paranoid about truly meaningful consent she has to practically give me an engraved invitation for me to be sure she is completely willing) but I'm upset because I feel like she doesn't want to. Ugh. The more I write about this, the sadder it makes me. She'll probably pounce on me tomorrow and I'll ruin it by crying! Actually, that is extremely unlikely (the pouncing part, not the crying part), but I think I'm going to end this insanely long post (sorry) and just bring up the therapist idea with her again. Wish me luck!
Jan 11 2009, 11:57 AM
femme, I've read your other posts about your fiancee and where she was at in her life pre illness, do you think maybe she's suffering from mental health issues (as in depression) because you did mention she's on disability benefits now? She went from being very successful to being on disability, that's got to have a huge impact on her overall health.
I konw you don't want to press it, but she means a great deal to you, you do need to bring this up with her, and we know you're not doing it out of anger, but out of love, you should tell her the same. maybe writing a letter first...
Jan 11 2009, 12:22 PM
that's a thought, CH. depression particularly as a result of being on steroids is common, as well as an array of other personality changes. if you end up having a talk with her, you can work that angle; the "it's not you it's the meds". although, in your case, it could be "it's not you, it's the meds/the illness/the major life changes and stressors/etc.".
you're in between a rock and a hardplace, femme, i hope you get some sort of relief (as caretaker, too, you need to make sure you're taking care of youself, too).
i feel a dan-savage-like response coming on, so i'll go look through his archives instead to see if he said it better...
Jan 13 2009, 02:41 AM
Due to some serious relationship troubles, I can count the number of times I've had sex since October on one hand, and things will likely stay that way for a while, if they get better at all. Things are so fucking complicated I don't even want sex anymore, but apparently that doesn't mean I'm not horny. I've been watching a ton of porn and masturbating till I'm sore, which helps a little. I even came crawling back to my pocket rocket, which I'd been trying to wean myself off of because I didn't like that I'd conditioned myself to come only with a vibrator and I wanted to train myself to respond to a real human touch. God, I love that thing. How did I ever live without it?
Jan 13 2009, 07:49 AM
i, yes me pugs, am experiencing major frustration. mr. pugs and i have both been sick on and off since halloween. it's been a terrible winter as far as allergies, colds, sinus infections, chest colds, coughing. it's hard to make love when you are wheezing, hacking and plowing through tissues. now that i'm finishing up a round of antibiotics i've got a yeast infection and it was a bad one. i'm so sore and even though the infection is gone now i'm healing. i know mr. pugs is backed up and i try to take care of him but IT'S NOT FAIR!! i want to come too. *stamps foot* My hitachi is getting dusty and I just want to pop off like half a dozen orgasms to feel better. perhaps by this weekend i'll be all better and i can show my man how much i've missed him.
Jan 13 2009, 09:34 PM
BTW, ((((LMP)))) I've been lurking in the relationship thread, and I just wanted to throw you some love if you read this.
Jan 15 2009, 03:14 AM
thanks ch and cocl, you both may be right. we actually have been talking a lot and suprisingly made a lot of progress yesterday, although we had to postpone part of the fun to tomorrow due to creepy noise interruptions that freaked us both out enough to get dressed and search the house with butcher knives and a 10 pound dog (oh yeah, we're
scary to would-be intruders). However, I am happy to report that we did manage to reach one orgasm between the two of us before we got scared half to death. We're considering it a period of extended foreplay until we have the house to ourselves again tomorrow night. I am excited and cautiously optimistic that things will get better now. She really opened up last night about how she's been feeling and I think that the longer we went without being intimate, the more nervous she got about it. She's developed some body image issues for the first time in her life at 31 because the steroids initially made her really swollen and puffy, but even though she has since deflated she feels self conscious where she never used to before. I do my best to always make her feel beautiful, but she still feels a little awkward so we are going to work on it together. Thanks for all of your advice and sympathy. I'm now experiencing a different kind of frustration - this has been the longest day of my life! I want it to be tomorrow night already!
Jan 15 2009, 09:09 AM
Femme, that is wonderful news!! Wonderful that progress has been made.
Body image plays such a huge roll in our sexual lives, if you don't feel sexy and attractive and you feel self conscious, all that goes through your head is that the other person is thinking the same.
Jan 16 2009, 07:04 PM
femme, my sister has lupus as well, and it sounds like she went through the same things that your girl is right now. this was about 5 years ago, and she is pretty well back to a normal life, but it was very scary for a long while there. she was in and out of the hospital for nearly a year, and had several dialysis treatments. she was on the steroids, of course, and gained 30+ pounds in a month. swelled up like a hot air balloon, which left her with lots of stretch marks, the poor thing. now that its in remission, she is doing well, but her stamina is just not up to par for her age (33). she gets worn out easily, and she is bothered by heat/sun. i know you are being the best girlfriend you can for her, and i assure you that she appreciates you're being there greatly. her self esteem must be in the gutter right about now. just the fact that you are there by her side through all this shows your love and devotion. good luck, stay strong, hug hard!!
Jan 24 2009, 03:08 AM
God knows I love my marriage, but if I don't get some soon I may just hurt someone. With me bleeding for the last 2 months and no answers as to why - I've become extremely agitated and horny all the time. Problem is, I get the feeling that even if the bleeding stopped right now, there was no yeast, or bv going on - I'd still be disappointed. That is so sad to me. I usually never finish and end up falling asleep pissed off listening to him snore after getting his. GRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'm only f***** 28 yrs old man. Something must give or I am going to absolutely lose it.
Jan 24 2009, 04:24 AM
konphusion, I hear you. I'm not married yet just engaged, but it's so frustrating to not get yours whether it's his fault or not.
Jan 27 2009, 11:01 PM
I haven't seen the LD guy since the beginning of November. I'm beyond stir crazy with no partner sex. I'm creekbed dry and my heart feels like a tumbleweed drifting through an abandoned town. Somebody pour me some water.
Jan 28 2009, 01:06 AM
I haven't fooled around with a guy since October, but I haven't felt like trying to have casual sex, I just can't do it if I'm not 100% turned-on.
Jan 28 2009, 11:11 AM
Hugs ladies. I'm now entering my 4th month and I am going out of my fucking mind. I'm getting some attention from a few dudes in the bar where I work, but not one of them does it for me. I really don't want to lower my standards, but it might come to that. Sigh!
Jan 28 2009, 01:27 PM
Let's just say that having a baby has seriously put a wrench in things. It's like the little guy knows when his parents are ready to get down and he starts crying before we are even halfway through. On top of that, I'm so damn tired that I can hardly muster the energy, and when I do- well, the man is already sleeping. We are spent. I am losing it!
Feb 12 2009, 08:51 AM
OK, seriously. I. Am. Going. Fucking. Insane. Doesn't help that I spent last weekend in Leeds surrounded by awesome, gorgeous, friendly Northern boys talking in their panty-soaking accents. I really need help. It's getting so bad that I'm tempted to go back onto hormonal birth control (even though I obviously don't need it!) as it seems to have a bromide-like effect on my sex drive.
Feb 13 2009, 01:16 AM
It's been a couple of weeks now.....one of which the hubby has been out of the country which has made me want him all the more!! Was supposed to arrive back tonight but has lost his passport so it's gonna be another 5 or so days before he gets home!
Feb 18 2009, 10:45 AM
Ah, damn... Ridiculously cute boy on my train this morning, he kept catching my eye and smiling and I was too goddamn embarrassed to speak to him! I can't deal with men without a little bit of Dutch Courage. I'm never getting laid again. I wish I was the kind of girl who could just breezily start chatting, but no, especially not in situations like that where a lot of other people can overhear. I've seen him on the train before and the same thing happened, so here's hoping I'll see him again soon - y'know, so I can continue to completely ignore him....
Feb 19 2009, 09:12 PM
Greetings frustrated ladies! Let me join your ranks, please?
I went for about a month and a half before resorting to sleeping with the ex (groan, i know!) and now it is just a week since then. I went over to his place night before last and tried to get sex from him. I mean, I'm the one who broke up with him, and now I'm being cruel by wanted to do it. So, clearly, this behaviour must stop and now that I know that I'm getting ever so tempted by naughty, delicious and dirty thoughts!
The things is, I can't get up the nerve (desire?) to pull a random one-night or fling, if history is a predictor I will go long, like 2 years, before sleeping with someone becuase I'm a choosy judgemental betch. I don't wanna wait 2 years and must learn to either take my chances or suck it up and buy some more AAs.
Feb 22 2009, 08:41 PM
hellcat, that sucks big time. Ive been in that boat before. Time to pull out the toys, or maybe buy a new one? Toys are a good time. *winks*
Feb 23 2009, 09:11 AM
Hellcat, I think you need a friend with benefits! I've never had a one night stand, I just can't, too risky, but if you make a friend, then fuck him. Then you have a friend and you're getting nailed.
Nothing wrong with being choosey at all.
Feb 23 2009, 09:55 AM
Ah, a good FWB is hard to find! I've always found them to be even rarer than good boyfriends.
Yeah hellcat, treat yourself to some good porn and new toys to resist the lure of ex-sex. And being choosy is all to the good
Feb 24 2009, 03:36 PM
It's been 9 months for me.
I just cannot bring myself to get to that level with someone after all the things that have happened in my past.
Feb 25 2009, 09:17 AM
QUOTE(Persiflager @ Feb 23 2009, 02:55 PM)
Ah, a good FWB is hard to find! I've always found them to be even rarer than good boyfriends.
Amen to that. I was kind of hoping that an ex of mine was going to become a FWB recently, we were talking a lot on Facebook etc. and I kind of put that proposition to him and he seemed up for it. But then he got back with his ex-girlfriend. Arrrgghhh! I'm pretty happy just to do a one night thing, but I just never
meet anyone I like who is unattached. F*cksticks.