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anna k
I often feel like a nerd because I laugh like a little kid when I'm watching things on TV that make me laugh, I laugh like a kid when I make dirty jokes, and I smile when I think of when I was an adolescent discovering sexual things and how mysterious and sensual it all was. I like to dance to soft rock songs by Michael Bolton or Michael McDonald in my room, the earnestness in their voices crack me up and make me lipsynch along. I'm also ticklish and jump when somebody touches me unexpectedly.

I saw my old crush on an Internet show, and liked seeing how nerdy he came off as, despite his popularity and "cool" status. He was this really popular kid in college, but whenever I talked to him he got all quiet and shy and sweet to me. I miss him, but college is in the recent past.

I liked it when I dated some guys who were in rock bands but came off as geeky and sweet. It was all very platonic, but it was playful and fun for the time being. I liked hugging them and grinning a lot and sitting against them while watching movies. One guy put his arm around me, and I played with his fingers, easing myself into his touch.
zoya
Mr. HMCHH popped up and said hello today on IM, haven't talked to him in awhile because of mutual busy-ness. He's excited to hang out for a day when I'm in town, I'm quite certain I can have portions if I want 'em and he is the ideal person to do it with - like I said, cotton candy. Executive cock-in-training cotton candy, but cotton candy nevertheless. Besides, 15 years my junior is definitely friends with benefits material only. He IS willing to learn, though, and that is fun. He's about the only guy I'd have sex with right now anyway, I'm too damn busy and besides my head is still in SB.

Haven't heard from SB for two weeks, last time I heard from him was when he dropped me a line out of the blue a couple weeks ago to ask how I was doing. I replied to him, he responded to my reply, I replied to his response, and have had nothing back. I know he's super slammed with work but still. But again, I know he knows what I'm about. No way is that guy gonna forget me. It's just basically in his court and all I can do is let it lie and get on with my stuff right now. I'll see him again. I'm sure of it.
greenbean
Shoot, I don't think I'll be able to come back on to hear how Mouse's date went! Off to London soon! And when I get back I expect to have a lot of stories to catch up on from y'all! And zoya, in case I forget...have a happy birthday!!
mouse
oh, gb, have fun! how exciting!

zoya, must be fun to train executive cock. nice!!

re: me being nerdy--i totally don't think it's bad at all. i embrace my nerdiness. but this particular guy--i have a feeling he's not expecting someone nerdy. i have a feeling he's not expecting ME. but whatever, it'll go however it goes (if it even goes...haven't heard back from him yet--this internet dating is a total crapshoot) and i'm actually kind of thinking of it as a social experiment. i need to learn how to "date". i don't know how. so i am a tiny scientist, discovering things.
mouse
so i have tentative plans to "share a bottle of wine" with this dude sunday night. i have a feeling he is after sex and not much more. which is fine with me, i need to get laid. but i'm not very good at being "sexy" with someone i haven't already slept with (i know, i know, it's a wonder i ever lost my virginity). however, i need to learn how to do that. it's time for me to be the slut i've always wanted to be!

*makes mental note to go get bikini wax stat*
stargazer
Orion, what a beautiful thing to say. gives me hope. no wonder Ophelia lurves you!! rolleyes.gif

mouse, just be yourself. make him work. remember, executive cock. don't sell yourself out for sex. you are a beautiful, smart woman. don't tell youself you only deserve sex. seriously.

greenbean, have fun in london!

nothing in the crush department for me. just cruising. but, that is what the summertime is for. eye candy.
mornington
*sticks head in*

I have been one of those lovey couples on the tube, it's fun. Although I've been grossed out before by a couple who just... too... well, I didn't want to watch. I love the anticipation though on the tube, knowing what you're going to do once you get off it and having to control yourself on it...

mouse, I second everyone else. Be yourself. You're extremely pretty, intelligent, and many wonderful things besides. This guy might be an undercover-nerd (they exist... see F, and indeed me) but you might just be able to get along anyway.
sixelacat
'lo, crushies! Just popping in to say hi. Nothing new on the crush front for me, guess I'm a bit too busy to look around right now. S'cool.

mouse, if your lookin' fer the HBI, go for it, I just wouldn't expect it to be as good as sex with someone you actually have a thing for. But, hey, sometimes using someone else to jill off beats doin' it alone (as long as you're both cool with it).

morn, "undercover-nerd" started a whole song loop in my head!

Secret, aaaagent geek! Secret, aaaaaagent geek!
They've given you a number, and taken away your name....


Moonpieluv
Wow... ((Oct)) I just read your post and saw your comment. Derr. Geez geez geez louise.

dating is complicated and can be a real turn-off having to juggle them, especially if you are sexual with more than one of them..... even more so when my ex of 6 1/2 years is back in town and even though I definitely don't want to go back to him... the sheer familiarity of him, the fact that I want to get to the friendship point, and yet my almost certain evidence that he's just taking advantage of me... ergh. It's also a small scene so everybody is in your business...and I don't want my ex to know i'm dating necessarily. But it's fun to date, as well because you are able to sharpen your preferences, etc.

BUT.... like i said... I just don't think it wise for me right now... and yet, I want to get laid! I've definitely had my fill of sex and would like to focus on self-love, but I find myself sucking face a little too often and with guys in less than ideal situations.. bad timing. I said this before, too.... if only I had friggin chastity belt! haha.

I just haven't given myself the single time that I need... I've never fully embraced it...ALWAYS had a dewd around. But... alas... the crushes exist and boys are around.... sigh.

Good luck to all your crushes and dates and all. I actually have a date Saturday with an online guy... my first online date meeting. I'm such a hypocrite....hahahahaa. damn it.


"but honestly? sometimes i want nothing to do with any of this, at all. dating can be super fun, but it can also be super complicated. and i haven't really been just plain single/ not dating for like a year and a half now (except for very brief spells in between boyfriends). i'm somewhat uncomfortable with that, and think maybe i need time alone to regroup and recenter myself, and thus be in a better place to date when i do happen to come across a neat man... like moonpie said. ya know?

(and then i want to get laid and all the above stuff about singledom goes out the window! smile.gif )"
_octinoxate
hey moonpie, yeah, it's even more difficult to navigate dating when there's still an ex (or two!) in the picture, huh! I'm still not over either of my last two exes, which i think is one more great reason for me to lay off the dating for now. and yet- i'm still flirting it up with every decently cool guy i meet.

regarding getting laid: being with a dude is cool and exciting, but on the other hand i think that a good investment in a new vibe and some good smut or porn would end up being way more sexually satisfying-- and wouldn't carry the risk of stds and all that bad news.

thanks for the good wishes about my dates-- same to you with this guy on saturday! i'll be interested in what you make of online dating, as i think i'm over it, myself-- WAY too hard to gauge chemistry over emails and phone calls, so its not as efficient as i thought it'd be.

MOUSE, how was your wine date??

zoya, any news about your 2 menfolk?
stargazer
six, you mean you don't have a crush on me! rolleyes.gif surely you jest!
auralpoison
Drive by.

Just celebrated a year with HB. That is all.
mouse
congrats ap!!! wow!

as for my date....yeah, nothing happened! he didn't call. i'm actually pretty relieved, it was weird that he seemed so into me when we hadn't yet met each other or even really had a proper conversation, and he definitely was not my species. and most likely a douchebag. if he calls again i'm saying no.

honestly, i'm into learning how to be a slut--or not even, just how to comfortably flirt and hook up with guys and be confident in my appeal and not terrified of rejection--because it's something that i'd like to know how to do, as a girl, like wear tampons or walk in high heels or cook a really nice meal. just something that would be nice to not have to be like "shit, i don't know how to do that"--have it be a skill i could take or leave, but not be limited by not being able to. even the one one night stand i had was with a guy i had been friends with for ages beforehand, and it too was very awkward and took a long time to actually get to the sex. and when i mean, takes several hours past the point where any sensible person would have already kissed the boy. my last boyfriend took me on a late night bike ride out past the edge of the city to this beautiful deserted point on the river, then took me back home, into his house, onto his bed, with his arms wrapped around me, and i STILL couldn't bring myself to kiss him until he kissed me. one night stand dude, i slept over at his house on a cot by his bed in his room and it took like two hours of us hinting at the subject at each other for me to actually move up to his bed. dude before that, i played connect the dots with markers with the freckles on his arm even though i really wanted to kiss him! for a couple hours before he finally got fed up and kissed me. i am BAD at this.

in other news, i kind of have a huge crush on my ex-boyfriend now. not the one i recently cut ties with, my first boyfriend ever who i have just recently gotten back in touch with for the first time in about 6 years. he is...magic. i don't think he's real, he is like some special alien only i can see or hear. but he has been calling me regularly and i am utterly shocked by how much i LOVE talking to him. i didn't expect this. in one way it's safe because a: i'm older and wiser and no longer a 17 year old who didn't understand that hearts can be broken, and b: he's on the other side of the country, but it's also dangerous because of how magic he is. what is wrong with me!?
_octinoxate
hey mouse- waaaay lame that the boy didn't even call. whatever, right?

regarding how to not be terrified of rejection: one surefire method is to set yourself up to get rejected, and practice getting rejected until it feels ok smile.gif think up a pick-up line that would never in a million years work, or dress yourself up to look utterly ridiculous, and then go hit on some dudes! it would be a fun exercise almost-- and after a few times, you'll find that rejection just means a few awkward moments and then it's over (and you're over it). worth a shot, eh?

or, a less work-intensive route would be to just remind yourself that you kick ass, and if someone rejects you, it's not any reflection of your worth. it just means they don't get you, and/or just aren't the right guy. the way i figure, if someone meets me and then rejects me, they're not good for me anyway because we don't operate on the same wavelength, value the same things, and so on.

let us know how your slut training goes! hehe, that reminds me-- this weekend, a good friend of mine jokingly called me "a slut waiting to happen". LOVE IT! wink.gif
Typewriter
Hey ladies. New to The Lounge. This seemed like the best thread to post in, considering what's been keeping me up at 3 AM.

Consider me crushed!

Met this beautiful boy last December, started "seeing eachother" by January, lost my virginity to him by February, he broke my heart by March. He's a restless guy - The Jack Kerouac of romantic commitment. Two weeks after he ended it, I knew I was still crazy about him. So we hooked up again and agreed to keep it "simple." No strings attached. (Does this ever work?) It's supposed to be about sex and nothing else, right? But he cooks for me and lets me borrow his favourite t-shirts. He tells me about his family. We talk a lot more than we should if we're hoping to "keep it simple." We even went to the park and played catch one morning after I'd spent the night at his place. Cute, no?
I've been free to date or sleep with whomever I choose, and the same goes for my dear wandering Jack. Unfortunately, he's been sleeping with other girls, while I haven't been able to move on yet. It drives him crazy when I flirt with other guys, though. So what's the deal?

When he gets drunk, he says the things I love to hear. Is it wrong for me to enjoy?
He could take any of these girls back to his apartment after a night of much vodka-and-cranberry, but he always seems to choose me. A short time ago, I tackled him with the question I'd always wanted to ask - "Why me? Why not one of the others?" to which he replied "You're my girl. You're just ... my girl."

Even when he showed up to a local hotspot with another girl last Friday, all I could do was glare daggers at him all night. We had an agreement, after all... But once she'd gone, he approached me (at last!) and assured me that nothing had happened. She showed up at his apartment and bitched about me all night. I know he's into her atleast a little bit, and if he wanted to sleep with her, he could have ... And he would have been honest about it with me. So when she asked him if he and I were still Really and Truly together, WHY WOULD HE SAY YES? I walked him home at the end of the night and he told me straight-up, "Sometimes I really wish I could be in a relationship with you. I just haven't been somebody's *boyfriend* in such a long time. I don't know how." Later, he went so far as to note that we've been involved with one-another for several months, which is uncommon for him.

Am I nuts if I think hold onto this boy in the hopes that he'll figure out that committing to me is a worthwhile investment? Or am I just setting myself to get crushed over and over again?

3:17 AM. This boy has been on my mind since the moment I met him.
sixelacat
But, Star, of course I have a crush on you! Picturing you lounging seductively on a Tysoland sectional, with a Lack/Expedit shelving unit in the background housing my collection of mystery novels and pelvic morphology texts gets me all hot and bothered!

oh, and typewriter: he does not love you. Repeat after me: He does not love me! You are worth waaay more than he is willing to give. If he even likes himself (and this is a big if), he is incapable at this time of loving you. The "I don't know how" and "you're just....my girl" = you're willing to put up with my ambiguous shit when I am unsure other girls will. You are a sure thing, until I decide what I really want. Just say NO, girl!
zoya
Hey typewriter!

well I know this is probably not exactly what you want to hear, but I say give him an ultimatum. It's not like you're doing it out of the blue, he's said these things he's said to you, and I think the time has come that he needs to shit or get off the pot. I don't buy the whole "I wish I could be your boyfriend, I haven't been in a relationship for so long, I dont' know how" Sorry, but I think that's a crock of shit. I mean, it's such a cop out - like when guys say "I'm an asshole" and then when they do something shitty or whatever, they can just say "see, I told you I'm an asshole." that shit just just does not fly with me - it's bullshit. They can say "I was being shitty" or "I just didn't feel like doing (whatever)" or just own up - but they do not get to cop out by using the asshole excuse with me. Same with him saying what he's said about being in a relationship with you. I think it's a cop out. He's giving himself the easy out - he's getting it from you, and he clearly has feelings for you, but he is having his cake and eating it too.

I know you like him a lot, and yeah, its definitely enjoyable to hear that stuff. But I say - you tell him that yes, you have been involved with each other for several months, often acting like a couple and you want to make it official or not have any of that stuff at all - but that you wont' have it both ways. And dont' back down. The thing is - it's going to be hard, cause if you like him so much, it will be really challenging to not just give in and go away completely. So be strong, girl!

but I can guarantee you, if you don't set a boundary with him and let him know that he needs to either be in or out, he'll keep stringing you along, and you'll feel like shit in the end. I know, I've been there before, it fucking sucks - and you'll really be losing all your power. stay strong. and be willing to walk if you don't get what you ask for. don't let some guy drag you through the mud like this. I can guarantee you you're way better than that.

OK, off soapbox.

Mouse - I agree with octinoxate - just know that you are great just as you are, and that if someone rejects you, they're just not on your wavelength. ( Or, in my case, if they are absolutely on your wavelength and don't want to dive in, they're really just not in that place, or they're just scared. Or both.) You can't change any of those scenarios, but you can just continue getting to know who you are, being comfortable with that, and not second guessing yourself or trying to be something or someone you're not. I think that in itself weeds out guys, because it really enables YOU to make the choice and know who is or isn't compatable with who you are. And there are guys out there who will totally jibe with just who you are.


And in my world... octi - I really don't have two menfolk - I mean, Mr. HMCHH has become a friend and we've kept in touch all the way along, so it's no big deal. I don't really have any kind of crush crush on him, other than he's a little hottie and I'm pretty sure I could hook it up when I'm in his town and we go have dinner. But first and foremost he's a friend at this point, and I'm glad we've stayed friends.

As for SB, I have not heard a peep from him. Nothing. I mean, I don't think that anything I said was so so bad that it would warrant completely blowing me off, I dunno, maybe it was. Like I keep saying, all I can do is know that he knows what I'm about and that I'm rad, and that if he wants to grow up and reach out, it's his thing to do. I can't do anything. Not saying I'm not getting on with my own things, 'cause I am. I do miss talking to him and IMing, though. ugh. I will see him at some point, I'm sure of it. I just don't know when or how. I just don't feel like it's done. I don't know what that means, but it's just not done, it some kind of way.

AP - that's awesome!!! congrats! how are you?!
mouse
type--i agree with everyone else. guy is stringing you along and being a douche about it. if he really liked you, he would have you for reals, because he obviously can. as it is, he just has you on his terms. i've been there, it sucks, it doesn't get better, as much as you want it to. confront him, and if he still waffles, leave before it gets worse.


zoya, octi--thanks. i'm not fishing for compliments. i guess i'm having a hard time making myself understood...i'm fine with myself. i think i'm awesome, i really do. i know that if a boy rejects me, we probably wouldn't be good together anyway. i'm not talking about relationships or crushes or knowing that i'm cool or pretty or whatever.

does anyone remember those ads in like ym magazine in 1994 that were like "be popular! this book will tell you how!" i always secretly wanted to buy those, because i felt like they would have solid, step-by-step things i could do. like "smile at people! tell them you like their outfit!". i want shit like that, for boys. obviously "be yourself" doesn't work, because it hasn't. i want to know what body language to use, questions to ask--i want cosmo magazine tips, y'know? how to approach a boy i don't have any previous thing to base a conversation on, how to let them know i'm interested, etc.

while i do appreciate it, please don't anyone else tell me i'm pretty or that i should be myself tongue.gif
zoya
mouse - I know what you mean, I suck at that stuff too.. I just find that for me, it's always just been organic when I meet a guy I like. It just kinda happens. Which is probably why I don't just date all that much. I've just never been one that's been able to pick up a guy in a bar or anywhere for that matter. I've always met 'em through my work or someplace where I'd have a shared interest with someone, so we have a jumping off point of shared interest. Then it's a lot easier for me. I've never done the internet dating thing. I'm just not interested in it. I'm terrible at meeting people I don't know. to me it's like a blind date and I'm just not into that. So more power to you for trying it.
_octinoxate
mouse- funny you should mention the idea of having an instruction manual about how to meet people, because i recently read one!!! well, part of one, anyway. there's this whole weird scene geared toward guys, that's all about how to be a "pick up artist." some of the stuff in this "method" they propose is really fucked up and lame and offensive to me as a woman (though always very very fascinating--and sometimes good for a laugh). on the other hand, some of it is actually useful stuff about how to approach a stranger and chat them up, etc. here's the link to their site if you're curious:

http://www.themysterymethod.com/component/...id,40/vmcchk,1/

(scroll down to "download the free sample pack" which provides a pdf excerpt from the book.)

zoya, i respect you for your approach to SB-- not chasing him down, not getting down on yourself about it... just recognizing that the ball is in his court.
stargazer
AP~congrats. now, get your ass back in this thread.

mouse, um, i'm gonna keep telling you that you are pretty until you start to believe it yourself!! it might even be the first thing i tell you when i meet you! tongue.gif dude, i don't think it is about being a slut. really. men have no respect for sluts. stop reading the lindsay lohan/paris hilton rule book of boys. men love women who are their own person. seriously. and it is not easy for me to say because hell, i'm still single. i just chalk it up that i haven't met my match yet. but, i keep going along. i know you will meet a man who loves everything about you. stop being so hard on yourself.

type, read minor characters. please. it will reiterate your situation. he is not into you. sorry. but, don't waste your time.

six, i will be more than willing to reenact this fantasy if you would like. wink.gif i'm such a tease!
sixelacat
mouse, I have no idea how to tell someone to flirt. I'm sure there are body language manuals out there, but the idea always reminds me of this video, which is kinda funny and kinda true.

'Course, I have zero radar for guys....usually my friends will tell me afterwards that some guy was flirting with me (and my usual reaction is "what? him? Nah, we were just talking about cell phones" or whatever.

I think all the "be confident, be yourself" comments stem from knowing that when you are relaxed, happy, and confident in yourself, body language shows that without having to think "I am relaxed and happy, so I will hold myself like so". Organic, like zoya said.

eta: x-post with star! Now I just need to pick out fabric for the couch....Oooh, wait, LEATHER!
mouse
*sigh*

ok. i'll repeat myself: i don't not think i'm pretty. i don't not know all these things. i don't need to be told these things. i'm not looking for a boyfriend. i'm not looking for someone who "gets" me. i know the criteria needed for that sort of thing, and i've had it before. but right now i need a different set of criteria. i'm looking to get laid, and to meet someone who is very much NOT my soulmate. i just want to learn how to do that.

and i'm CERTAINLY not trying to emulate any celebutards.

octi, thanks for that link. i like approaching things scientifically, with steps in mind.

i think, now, actually, that i'm in the wrong thread, and i will take myself elsewhere. cheers and good luck to y'all.
Typewriter

Thanks for the brutal truth, friends. I think I knew what you were all going to tell me, but I still posted anyways. I just needed to hear the harshness of the reality again and again.

... I'm still scared, though. It's so easy to give into him when he wants me.
I love to feel like he needs me. But you're right. He's having his cake and eating me, too.
So do I cut him off? No more cake?

Say he still wants me back and says he'll do what he has to in order to hold onto me. Then what? Is it okay to give him another shot?

More than anything, though, I'm just afraid that he'll accept my decision to leave and he won't ask me to stay. Maybe it's for the best, but right now it looks like the worst possible thing.
stargazer
type, you might want to visit the moving on thread. those ladies give the best advice.

mouse, good luck with finding whatever it is you want.
zoya
hey mouse -

I'm sorry you feel misunderstood and want to move to another thread, I really like reading your posts. I think that where everyone is coming from ( at least I know I was) is that in your earlier posts, when you said you wanted to learn how to flirt or to kiss someone first, or to not be afraid of rejection, I was reading it as you were meeting guys with the eye on dating and didn't want to get hurt, etc. which is why I said just be yourself, organic, etc.

call me thick, but I didn't realize until your last post when you really spelled it out that you were just specifically looking to get laid with no strings attached. I know that I was just trying to give you the nice reinforcement that we all do here when someone is dating with an eye on the goal of an eventual relationship (or at least steady dating situation)

But if one is just out to get laid because that's what they want at the moment, then yeah - I totally hear you on the just figuring out how to cut to the chase and hook it up. It just wasn't clear to me that that's what you were getting at....
mouse
aw no worries zoya

don't worry, i'm not flouncing....i just think i'm probably better suited to the socially inept thread, or the frustrated singles thread, or one of the sex threads. i don't actually have a crush on anyone right now!

i think people in the socially inept thread might understand better when i say that my shyness/ineptness/fear of rejection really has nothing to do with my image of myself, or worrying i'm not good enough. none of that is true, i have good self esteem in regards to everything except social interactions. i don't think it really has to do with self esteem, actually--it's some other business, maybe some very very mild agoraphobia or something. anyway, thanks for all the encouragement and tips!
zoya
((mouse))

actually, that's what I meant when I said that everytime I've hooked up with someone (whether it's meeting someone that I just hook it up with, or when they've been more 'special') that it's been related to work or a shared interest like taking a class or something, or mutual friends that's made it organic... I'm so socially retarded when it comes to meeting guys, I've never ever ever (and I am not exaggerating) met someone just random at a bar or show or something for a no-strings-attached fuck OR anything that's turned into something more substantial. That's why I said I'm not into the on-line dating thing or blind dates.. I just know I'd feel so under the microscope if I tried to meet someone that way. I'd feel super self conscious. I too, know that I'm totally worth it, but I just don't really know how to play the game in those situations.... All the guys I've talked about on here I've totally met in a work context..
_octinoxate
mouse, i get what you're saying: it's not an issue of self-esteem ("am i valuable/ am i worthless?") but one of self-efficacy ("am i good at this specific task of flirting/meeting people? do i feel confident in this area?") anyway, you said you like a step by step approach to stuff, so i humbly offer what i seem to do, which works pretty well for meeting cool men.

1. go out alone: when you're with other people, you're harder to approach.

2. make eye contact with someone who interests you, then...

3. ... smile! you want to look like a nice, approachable person, who wouldn't reject someone in a cold way if you weren't into them. (dudes are afraid of rejection, too.)

4. gab. gab gab gab, gabby gab. strike up random conversations with anyone, about anything. you can practice on other women, or old people, or whatever, first if you want so that you get the hang of it without the added sexual tension element. then try it on a guy. don't censor yourself or overthink it, just make small talk and see where it goes. ("hey, is the lox good here?" "those are neat glasses!" "do you know a decent bookstore nearby?" etc. etc. ...the point is just to get the two of you talking, and then let the chat flow to more interesting topics.)

5. if you've ended up talking to someone for, say, five minutes and it seems to go well, assume that it's safe to give them your number (note: do NOT ask for theirs, as it would put them in an awkward place if they weren't interested) and say something like "i've really enjoyed talking to you. you seem like a neat person. i'd love to hang out sometime if you're interested." if you have a specific suggestion on something to do that the two of you talked about in your conversation (eg, check out that astronomy viewing he mentioned...), all the better. don't forget to smile more smile.gif
stargazer
mouse, don't run off to some other thread. seriously. you'll just sit around wallowing in how socially inept you are. gurl, keep your butt in here and take notes. where's AP the queen of flirtation and crushes when you need her?? unsure.gif

you can kick me when you meet me. or, we can practice flirtation friday night. self esteem does have part of a role in hooking up. for reals. the times where i've truly hit it off with men and yes, gotten booty, are times when i felt i was the shit. seriously. self-confidence is a sexy mofo. men get off on trying to dominate a strong woman. so, the stronger and brassier you are, the more competitive they are to get you into bed. trust me. men love to piss me off because i give 'em shit right back. it is a verbal orgasm for them. kinda like having sex unconsciously with me. i evened had a woman act the same way with me (she had a crush on me). they still wanna get off somehow with me.

go to a bar alone. it will definitely work. don't hang out in groups. use touch playfully to demonstrate interest. although, one time, i was pretty drunk and before i knew it...i was stroking some guy through his jeans at the bar. needless to say, yes, we slept together. in terms of one night stands, liquor definitely helps.

that's pretty much it. it is not rocket science. i definitely have my low self esteem days, but seriously, the times where i've felt the best about myself is when people have gravitated towards me. so, mouse, if you want to put out, then put out some vibe-age of self confidence.
opheliathemuse
Hey! You get to hang out together, stargazer/mouse?? No fair! You're coming to the southland? pm me if you're going to be here longer! I'll be down in North Hollywood all weekend.

Anyway, count me in on not knowing how to get with guys unless I "click" innately with them. I just do or don't. You know? And I suck horrrrrribly at flirting with people I actually like. I ignore people I like and flirt terribly with people I am not really attracted to. It's a wonder I ever got started dating, really.

Type, that guy sounds like someone I've dated before. As soon as I dismissed his, well...bad energy from my life and just concentrated on my self, Orion (my amazinglywonderfulabsolutelycool boyfriend) swept me off my feet. I'm not saying everyone needs to do what I do, but I recognized that I was attracted to someone who didn't help or add to me; he actually subtracted from me. And that's a no-brainer. I hope that was coherent.

AP, congratulations!
anna k
I wanted to give a big thank you to glassk, culturehandy, opheliathemuse, rudderlesschild, and edie52 for giving me great advice on not feeling lonely or when I do feel sensual and have fun flirtations and when I need to stop bitching or comparing myself to others. It keeps me in check and makes me feel like a mature, beautiful woman. Thank you, cheries!
mouse
o'muse--i was in chicago! i got to hang out with stargazer, turbojenn, pollystyrene, humanist, avaadore, kittenb and humanist and polly's boys. it was pretty cool tongue.gif

star, i get what you're saying, and that is the main thing i have to work on. but not being able to exude brassiness doesn't necessarily go hand in hand with thinking you're not pretty or worth it. self-confidence is a funny beast, you can think you're awesome but still have trouble being confident. anyway, thanks for the advice smile.gif

i'm off to post bustie pix in the say cheese thread!
opheliathemuse
Anna--
That's what we're here for, isn't it? =)
<3

Mouse,

I saw your pictures by chance on the Say Cheese thread! You guys looked like you had an amazing time! I'm sooo jealous wink.gif Btw, I love your sloth pics, heehee! When I can drive next, I'd love to hang out with the LA busties =)
stargazer
oh mouse, i was so hoping you weren't mad at me. but, i do think you are adorable. just work what yo momma gave you. and you got the motts.

i've realized that sometimes i gotta fake it. especially when i'm around men i find attractive. i do get intimidated. but, i just breathe and go for it. i guess i mention the self confidence and self esteem thing cause in the past couple of years with the whole acne thing...my feelings about my looks have waivered. not that i ever really thought i looked great. i do have my moments. but, in the past year, men have been really receptive to me because of my smile and outgoing, warm personality. something comforting about that.

i have some crushies. which is nice. flirting is a fun pasttime for me.
Lesbajew
O.K, I'm sure where to post this, but I this looked like a good bet.

O.K, so with the advice of my friends and family taken into account, I've decided to tell my crush that I like them. They have been asking for a long time, so now that this has been declared the "last time" I figured I might as well try.

The problem is I have no idea what they think of me, I'm painfully shy, and quite fragile emotionally. I figured I'd do it over the net or over the phone. I'm guessing that over the phone would be more impressive, but I'm so shy I think the net would be better. It's not very romantic, but I work much better with the written word(I talk very little and when I do, I feel very akward).

This is the best time to do it, as it's summer and I can avoid them all I want if it doesn't work out.

I'm also worried about being hurt. I really am. I'm in a better place emotionally than I have been for a long time, but I'm still a lot more sensitive than others. Not to mention, the more I think about it, the more every little flaw of mine seems to become more and more blatant.

Advice? Hugs? Support? I'm not really sure what I want, but anything would be helpful.

mouse
lesbajew, first of all i'm confused by the phrase "they have been asking for a long time". does this refer to your crush, asking you if you like him/her? if yes, for chrissakes, tell them asap! they are clearly into you! if its your friends and family asking you to tell your crush, make sure you're only doing it because you want to. honestly, some crushes i have never make it to the person i am crushing on because they're the kind of thing i want to keep afar.

however, if you gotta tell them, go ahead and do it. it's always nice to look for signs that they like you back first, but sometimes it just has to be said, regardless. as for how, i personally am a huge fan of using the postal service to woo. mixtapes, clever packages, intricate notes, etc. this has worked for me in the past and could work for you, especially if you are the artsy and/or crafty type, the only problem is that you have to wait a while for a response and sometimes you never get one. however, keep in mind that the last time i tried to woo someone that way most of the busties in here bitchslapped me, and they will probably do so again for giving you such advice tongue.gif

honestly--if you've never asked someone out to their face, you should do it. it's hella scary but after you do it you feel awesome about yourself, regardless of the outcome. i'm bad at flirting with people i have no background with but i've learned the art of screwing up your courage and just saying it if there's someone i've really been into for a while. if you don't, you'll never know. and if you do and they aren't into you, i know it's been said a million times, but there are other fish in the sea, and from what you've said around the lounge you are a YOUNG'UN so you got NOTHING to worry about. YEARS to be a-courtin'. and it only gets easier each time, so i say start right away!

(star: i can state from actual empirical evidence that you are a beautiful CLASSY lady)
stargazer
lesbajew, i agree with mouse. if this person is wonderin' if you have a crush, then do it in your own way. if your family and friends are tellin' you to do it, then think of why you would tell this person you like them. but, yeah, it would help to clarify things a bit.

mouse, i do like to do romantic things through the postal service. i like writing letters and sending mixtapes. but, i usually do that for people i am corresponding with already. so, i have this old high school crush i am sorta friends with now. we reconnected recently and have talked about meeting up to catch up. even talked briefly on the phone. i sent him 2 mixCDs i've made. i actually just like to send things to people i like...not necessarily in a romantic way. i would LOVE to get a letter in the mail from a man. that is so romantic.

back to the revealing feelings part, i guess i would wait until a friendship or something was established if one is not done already. i was one to reveal my feelings too fast. not that i regret it or anything. i guess it is just part of learning. but, it is nice to have a build up of little feelings. it is kinda a protective thing, i guess.

oh and mouse, thanks for the compliment. *blushes* rolleyes.gif
greenbean
I'm back y'all! My time with Brit Boy was amazing, yet terrible as well! We have such insane sexual chemisty its easy to overlook that we have some fundamental differences in personality. Either that or we are subconsciously trying to sabatoge things cuz it would be so much easier if ended this whole strange affair.

In short, we had a phenominal first few days in London but we spent recklessly, mainly by staying in a hotel (eventhough BB has a flat in London its a 30 min trip from central London, and we wanted to be in the middle of all the action for the first couple days). After the fancy dining and the sex-marathon started to slow, reality sunk in and BB realized he spent a lot of the money in those first couple days that he had planned to spend on our Scotland part of the trip. I said we could do it on a budget and I would gladly pay my share. He insisted that I already spent a lot on my plane ticket there and (a ridiculously high) train ticket to see some friends in Paris, and that maybe I should just stay in Paris longer and come back to London before I fly out. Well, since i'm quite sensitive, I took this as not a money issue but that he was getting sick of me and changed his mind about spending so much time with me. We fought. I cried. Then he cried, which blew me away cuz I really didnt know he could. Anyway, I decided to indeed spend more time in Paris cuz I didnt want the tension of trying to do Scotland on a budget with him, knowing things could go wrong (hes a perfectionist, while I'm more easygoing).

While in Paris he emailed apologies, and pleaded that I spend more time with him before my flight back to the states. He figured that it would be affordable to go to Bath for a few days. I agreed with the condition that he not put so much pressure on perfection. So we went and though the majority of the time we had a blast (namely the sex stuff) there were still moments of uneasiness. We ended the trip much the same way we ended last time..unsure of whats in the stars for us.

I did think of Indiana from time to time, and now that I'm back hopefully he's willing to get reaquainted. I cant blame him if he gives me the cold shoulder for pushing him away those nights..but hopefully if he likes me he'll take up my offer to make it up to him.

Looking foward to catching up with you guys! Now lets hear about some crushes, k?
Moonpieluv
Hey greenbean,

How did you meet BB? I'm sure you mentioned earlier in the thread, but I'm on a time limit...

I've recently met a BB, more like a BMan, online who seems absolutely promising to say the least. Just dreamy so far. Erudite, highly philosophical and artistic (with published articles & bks), excellent taste in music, film, etc.... cute as a button from his pix. He seems to know so much, highly advanced-out-there-always expanding-always looking for new research material kinda stuff. I've learned more about so many things in the past month than I've ever learned with anyone. He's so fascinated with life, and then can discuss in a scholarly way. We haven't met, but we are fast approaching phone conversation...and oh my, I crush on him. Not to sound like a Cad, but i'm actually conversing with someone smarter than me, someone who pays attention.... derr...sorry if that sounds retarded... I've met some dumb ones ladies and gents.

Is it that the one reason you feel it wouldn't work out was because you two are seperated by an ocean? How many times have you been able to see each other and has he come to Indiana to see you as well? I take it that you speak on the phone, etc. etc.
That's my biggest concern... the ocean. I mean, we'll have to meet in the flesh as the test of physical chemistry (which you had) and many more times to establish compatiblity.
greenbean
Moonpie, I live in California,..Indiana is what I call my local crush who is here in LA but from Indiana.

I'm sure the story of BB is in here somewhere but rather than dig it up I'll give the short of it:
I met him in a London pub last year after watching a world cup game on tv. Eventhough he is not all that good looking I introduced myself because my friend wanted to talk to his (very cute) friend, so I was sort of the wing man. Ironically, once I looked him in the eye he had a magnetism I couldnt resist and I ended up kissing him after we barely spoke two sentences to each other, while my friend and the cute guy didnt hit it off at all! BB and I told them we had to take off, so we did and spent the next 24 hours shagging like maniacs. I was leaving for the states the next day and we thought that was that but we kept in contact and a few months later he came to see me in California.

Would it work even if there wasnt an ocean between us? I dont know. Thats what I've been asking myself all year. Something I struggle with not just with him, but a lot of guys I like, is that they love how tough and ballsy I can be, but I fear that doesnt leave much acceptance for my sensitive and fragile side. This kind of ties in with what Mouse was saying (been catching up on the posts) about how she wishes she had an easier time approaching boys and flirting...I *do* have an easy time with that stuff, in fact, I met Indiana by kicking his butt and telling him to sit next to me...but the downside is that the guys that like my ballsy side generally want to bail if they see me cry or get needy. I wish I never cried or got needy either, but heck, I'm only human! This is something that makes me feel like BB and I are not in love: our discomfort with being vulnerable with each other.

Anyway Moonpie, its worth a shot. I have other friends who have moved across the ocean to be with lovers, but they were younger and more fearless than I. Sorry if this doesnt help! :/
zoya
hi all -

my take on the being separated by an ocean (or several thousand miles) thing... I totally think it can work, but I also think that it really really has to be mutually agreed upon by both sides fairly early in the game that you're pursuing something. I'm not necessarily talking about jumping right into a full-blown relationship, but certainly I think that there has to be a communicated and mutually agreed upon direction for things to go in, otherwise there comes a time where I think it just can't proceed forward by chance, because of the distance. Even if that is just "ok, we're going to agree to stay in touch and get to know each other" and then keep the communication up so that if that goes well, you can agree on times to see each other. If that works out, then take it another step.. etc.

I think that when people are in the same physical place, city, whatever, it's much easier for everything to flow organically.. when people are separated by an ocean, even though it can flow, I think that there comes a point where some sort of definition of what is going on needs to happen so that there is no second guessing. I don't think it has to be some big heavy thing, but I do think it needs to be vocalized so that each person is on the same page, earlier than later. It definitely takes two people who are ready to do that kind of thing and aren't fased by the whole thing.

that's where I jumped the gun with SB. I'd never really had that kind of talk before with anyone in regards to seeing where we stood with each other - because I'd never really had something like what was going on with him... and a chat that started out with my every intent just to say that I wanted to make plans to spend time together when we could, rather than just play it by ear; turned into me actually saying I wanted to pursue a relationship with him. ouch. I mean, I DID (DO?) want to pursue a relationship with him - it's just that vocalizing that was probably better left for a bit down the road after we knew each other better. and now he's MIA..

...anyhow, I digress. what I'm trying to say is that I think it's totally possible, it just takes more mutual work right off the bat than if you're just crossing paths with someone locally all the time. I'm one of those people who would pick up and go wherever. I think it's just what you're willing to do - neither is right or wrong.

Greenbean - could you possibly be at that point with BB, where it kinda needs to be decided mutually which way you're going... ie: just taking the plunge, and you're not sure you want to put yourself out there on that limb? That's totally understandable if it's not your thing, just wanted to point out that it sounds like you're at a point where you can't just 'play it by ear' any more if you want things to go on. Or maybe it's the point where you're seeing that something with him is not that important to you. But it sounds like you're kinda at a crossroads with him.

oh, and I too am that girl that guys love because I am laid back and cool with the guys... and then inevitably, it seems like when I get all girly they bail. makes me nuts.
p_176
grr. i'm not normally into longdistance relationships - at first that was an appealing thing with the fairfax guy (because i knew we would not be in each others' pocket)....but now it's becoming slightly more obvious that we don't really have a lot in common, and i'm wondering how much longer it will work between us.
anna k
I was talking to my sister and saying how I liked hanging out with interesting guys, but didn't like dating as online dating or meeting up somewhere and starting an awkward conversation. "So . . . do you like . . . stuff?"

I don't even know where to meet guys that I would like. I can get into casual conversations but I don't have the drive to want to get to know the person further or try to get their number. Like going to this indie movie theater and chatting with one of the employees. He was nice and we talked about Safe Men, but he wasn't someone I had attraction for, just a regular dude. I haven't had much libido for men save for men out of my league (men in their fifties who look like smarty-pants professors), I'd like lightning to hit me when I'd see someone, like a fun make-out or an exciting twitch in my legs. I haven't that in years. Just yesterday I had a nice conversation with an fifty-something year old man about Astoria, Queens and he told me about how he, as a New Yorker, just rode the tourism bus for the first time and had fun. He was a nice man, but if he was 30 years younger and I found him attractive, I would've talked to him more with intention of getting his number.
Moonpieluv
Thanks for the commentary y'all!
Honestly, I was just wondering... when we first initiated contact, we defined our correspondance as being pen-pals because of the distance. That was done first thing as the reality of being able to establish that bond (physical organic chemistry) is either next to impossible or would happen too infrequently. I wouldn't be dupe enough to just move there to see what happens. Well, that is... if I got a sweet high paying job, higher paying and much more interesting than over here... sure I'd do it. But for ME only.

We are going to talk this Saturday... and honestly, if anything, we will be friends... We have a lot in common in terms of the subjects that fascinate us.. at least we have that to play around with... and if it fades, it fades. We discuss the differences in our dating mores, frustrations with online dating, being single, etc. So it's relatively platonic for now, I think. I picked up some great new tunes, artists, and theories I had no idea people researched. There has been mention of possible holiday/vacation weeks available, and I've been dying to go the U.K. since I was a wee baby. So? why not? If it builds to more, great. like you said ((Zoya)) the flow.

I'm not really nervous about the phone call necessarily... well I don't want him to think me a juvenile bop girl. However, it's not anything but "hey let's talk on the phone" right now.

I read into stuff so much.

p. 176---- sorry bout that. Phone and written word doesn't fully unleash the differences nor the similiarities as much as being together... and that takes time. Either way one cut's it... we don't fade, we don't fade for awhile, or we are fading....regardless of whether it's online, long distance, or in ur face... but in ur face= more boom-boom in the back room! so there's something to be said about that. heart to heart. two hearts that beat as one. laugh.gif

anna---you'll get it girl on your terms when you feel it's right. right?
zoya
moonpieluv -

no harm in just staying in touch with someone, but I'd say if the interest / vibe is there, don't deny that either.. just keep it in your mind that you're getting to know him. don't jump in the deep end too quick (like me.. hahahaha) I wanted to clarify the whole moving thing - I didn't mean like pick up and move in order to get to know someone, I meant more like if things were progressing to the point of being serious, I'm a person who would move to be with someone -as opposed to, for example, friends of mine with whom the distance would be a dealbreaker as they don't have any desire to leave where they are.
glassk
so i read, "why men love bitches." it's fucking funny....... it basically just tells you, executive cock is executive because you act like you are an Executive Woman. and don't put up with bullshit in a nice way.

and incidentally, zoya, says the same thing about why SB went missing. it does not advocate laying all your cards on the table.

i just thought it was interesting, and although it's packaged like chick-lit, it's rather smart.
anna k
it basically just tells you, executive cock is executive because you act like you are an Executive Woman. and don't put up with bullshit in a nice way.

Yes! Executive cock, quality dick, whatever you want to call it. I loved it when I got excited about a guy and would get a giddy smile or feel a shake in my knees. Having quality taste and not just letting any dumbass humping me.
zoya
I've seen that, glassk - always thought it might be an interesting read. I LOVE that - "Executive Woman!!" much nicer than "Bitch" and much more true of a definition.

Yeah, its funny, until that convo with SB, I was totally the strong woman. Not a Bitch, but I definitely called him out on some stuff in a nice way and it was like it made him want to know me more. I feel like I was kind of keeping him guessing as to where I was at with things. (not on purpose, but I am pretty sure that it was how I was coming across, just because I was in a place where everything was going great in my world in a lot of ways and I was all confident and stuff) and that was kinda making him come at me, maybe because he didn't feel pressured.

I knew when I was having that conversation with him that I was totally giving all the power to him... it was awful. it was like I was floating above myself, hearing this conversation and going "what the fuck are you saying?!!"

It's interesting, because I think that working towards being an "Executive Woman" is really that whole thing of just getting to know oneself, feeling comfortable with oneself and knowing that you are worth the Executive Cock (attached to a great guy) I totally know that's what happened with me - I backslid into my old patterns of starting to freak out when things change a little in relationships - and instead of remembering I'm an "Executive Woman" knowing that I'm totally worth it, I started to act like an Intern. I totally know that's my achilles heel in relationships - remembering my self worth - and I'm totally working on it. In fact, I'm 90% there, and do most all of the time these days. But it's that 10% of me that freaks still in certain situations. and fuck. Sucks ass in that case. But it's a good learning experience, I guess. yuk.

BTW, I'm not being hard on myself, even though it sounds like it - I'm just examining my side of the street and the things I can work on in myself. I know that there is stuff on his side.. I just can only speak for myself.

anyway, you never know.. I still feel like it's not 100% over. That somehow at some point he'll come back into my world. but right now, I'm getting back to being the Executive Woman..!!

anyhoo - enough about me. wah. wink.gif what's going on with you, glassk? and all you other crushies who haven't posted in awhile??!!
Moonpieluv
Zoya

I'm really struggling to do the same thing... I need to pick up this book you guys are commenting on as I feel like a little reinforcement of the self-worth issues I'm working is due. It's slow in its progress, but I know in time I will be able to attain these goals... just wish I had more money and wasn't in debt, but I digress.

Anna K--

I hear ya about having that feeling of giddiness. I have only met one guy who makes me feel that way, and it was all nice and comfy and is still sweet, but mr. div just has too much to wade thru right now. Searching for support.
Unfortunately because I have from time to time gotten sloshed and let a few dumbasses hump me..and am basically a "pimp" or the "town tramp" or whatever.... I realized that those instances were not only me being horny, but a weak attempt to find some sort of comfort or assurance of love in a sick way or something... In essence, because my self-esteem/self-worth was so poor, I perpetuated that behavior. But now that I'm working on it, I'm not allowing stupid dumbasses in my life anymore. I won't allow this hypocritical shit-talking "scene" or anybody for that matter tell ME who I AM. Insecurity, lack of self-worth, like Zoya said, can turn out some nasty behavior or freak-outs.

This is why I have made mention of moving on to grad school in another town(which I actually have to cause there's not one here), not going out to these "sceney" places with my friends, but focusing on craft days and finding a new circle of friends, just not having men in my world except for some pen-pals like BritMan who is across an ocean, and etc.

Oh and Zoya---I'm way to hard on myself... that's plagued me for awhile and facilitates low self-worth! dern dern dern. I think you're on it, girl all the way with that thinking.

GlassK- Yeah... I warded off a dude that made good conversation at first, then the alarms went off and POOF! I was the executive woman that I needed to be. There is such a thing as being TOO nice.

SO... how are the other busties? New crushes? New news? Do tell!
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