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sareybelle
QUOTE
it's a shame i fall for people so rarely.


well, i don't know you so perhaps it's presumptuous for me to say this, but I don't think it's a shame at all. It makes it so much more spectacular when you do fall for someone. I am 31 and just fell in love for the third time in my life. Everyone else I've just been "meh" about. Love is like porn though, you know it when you see it. My only advice is have all the sex/fun you want but hold out for a hero when it comes to your heart. If you put it all out on the line for everyone who happens to buy you a drink you will end up completely neurotic & with a diminished sense of self...

PS I think online dating is a good idea by the way. I met my hero through friends, but having a few years of good and bad dates under my belt makes me feel better about the possibility of monogamy in my future.

Buena suerte!
mouse
yeah. that's my thing. i'm not talking about love, i'm talking about simply being attracted enough to someone to entertain the idea of making out with them. it happens so rarely to me, and when it does happen, it's always really intense and obsessive, which means that i'm that much less willing to make a move because it's so *IMPORTANT* to me.

"have all the sex/fun i want" well it's all well and good to say that but that's the issue--that's all i want, and i can't even get that. i don't want a "hero". i don't even particularly want a boyfriend. i just want SOMEONE to want me. and i want to want someone. that's ALL. and it never seems to happen. it's been well over a year since i've gotten fucked, and about ten months since i was last even kissed. it's not for lack of going out--i go out all the fucking time. i just never meet people. it's a vicious fucking cycle.

and it doesn't matter to me that online dating works--and yeah, it does. i met my last boyfriend that way, but it turned out we already had mutual friends so we always lied about it and said we met through them. i've also had some disaster dates from online dating. i can GET a boy online. i come across awesome in type, and once i have the assurance that AT LEAST they definitely like my words and photo, i can flirt pretty confidently. but it doesn't matter to me, because the fact remains that I CAN'T DO THAT IN REAL LIFE. i never have been able to. all my boyfriends have been from weird circumstances where we were friends who WROTE to each other before we were together, either online or in letters (long story).

it's INCREDIBLY frustrating and upsetting to me that i can't do that person to person. i know this is a really hackneyed and possibly insensitive comparison, but i feel like i can't talk unless i'm hooked up to a vocoder thing like stephen hawking has. i can communicate great ideas, and i can get my point across, but regardless of whether or not i'm understood, i'm still NOT ACTUALLY TALKING.

and i HATE that.
coela


Wow. I second just about every syllable mouse just said.
I haven't had sex in a year and haven't kissed anyone in 4 months.
I obsess over one person at a time, and although I go out lots, I
hardly ever date, and when I do it doesn't lead to anything.
I very seldom feel chemistry, but when I did this last time,
things went straight to Hell anyway. I am so over this.

I'd bitch about it more if I had the energy, but I don't.


mouse
(((((coela))))))

i have a "date" with some guy on sunday. he seems very promising, but i am of course worried that there will be some trait that doesn't translate in text and i will not be into it, or he will somehow not be into me. we shall see.

i still want to lie about it, but i'm beginning to be resigned to the fact that this is how i am good at meeting boys and i just gotta suck it up and admit to it.
mouse
ahhhhhhhhhhhh i really like this guy! and i am thinking it is mutual? eeeeeee i hope so...he is really surprisingly dreamy in my favorite ways. but i am going out of town and i won't be able to see him again for two weeks! aaah!
mouse
awesome. another one bites the dust. not a peep from the dude since we hung out (before we hung out, we were emailing every day) so i texted him jovially if he wanted a postcard (from where i am going for a week). that was over two hours ago, and i have heard nothing.

seriously, don't be all "next time i'll have to come up to your neighborhood", "yes let's do this again", "i had fun" etc. don't be the one who brings it up. just don't offer. i'm smart. i can take a fucking hint. i didn't say it until you did in order to give you an out.

seriously. I DON'T GET IT. idgi, in internet parlance. I DON'T FUCKING GET IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING SERIOUS, IT MUST BE SOMETHING, AND I'D FUCKING LIKE TO KNOW.
neurotic.nelly
(((mouse)))
candycane_girl
((((mouse)))) try giving it a few days. He could possibly be busy.
sareybelle
I hadn't had sex in over a year and a half, during the six years I've lived in DC I've only really dated 3 people, and I know exactly what you're talking about when it comes to not remotely connecting to anyone you meet. Yes, that is all too familiar. I allegedly live in one of the best cities for singles but I never felt that way myself. Dry spells are the worst. Just don't assume it's everything to do with you. I think we live in a society that can be fairly poisonous for women and especially when it comes to this stuff. Plus when people meet over the internet they tend to assume that all manners and ettiquette are somehow suspended and they don't need to follow up at all, whether it's a "let's meet again," or "thanks for spending time with me, I had fun but don't see it working out," either which is preferable to the alternative of keeping someone waiting. Again, good luck.
geekchickknits
The boy I like has been travelling for july, and in spite of him telling me he would write or text he hasn't. NOT ONE WORD. And I know he's been online because I can see activity on his facebook.

He wasn't my "boyfriend" or anything, but come on guy, don't tell a girl your going to write, sending here a text when you're on the plane to leave saying you'll send her something once you're there and then NOT.

Ah well. I guess he's just not that into me.
Pageo
Argh.I'm single and have been for 2 years, and had ZERO interest in that time, no dates, no kisses, nothing. I do the same as another person mentioned on here where you get massively obsessed with one boy at a time and it all goes wrong always. I always befriend them, we have loads in common, start hanging out and stuff, and then I announce that I like them 'like that' and they start backtracking, with the old 'I don't want to ruin the friendship' stuff, the 'You're not my type' comment. Then they just want to carry on being best buddies with me but there's always a tinge of chemistry there with them and lots of mixed messages that I try really hard to take no notice of.

For example there's this one guy who this situation happened with, he's now 'seeing' this pretty young girl (which he said was his 'type') but keeps telling me he doesn't like her and that he would be having much more fun on holiday with me (they are on holiday in the States at the moment). And also he said he would rather move in with me than with her! I don't know if he means this as friends or otherwise, I don't live near him (neither does she) so it's really hard to see what's going on, and he's pretty unreadable anyway. I haven't mentioned anything about how I feel about him to him since January.

I don't know, it's just very confusing, I seem to work really hard to be there for these boys and not do that to try to make them like me but they just don't see me as a sexual or attractive being, I don't get it! Can anyone suggest a way to NOT continue in this way and how to tell if a boy really does fancy me or not, I seem to waste a lot of energy on over thinking as I live alone too. I'm just sick of having so many friends who are boys and no one thinking I'm special enough to go out with. I'm from the UK by the way!x
auralpoison
I'm sure you're a fabulous gal, Pageo. Boys are just dumber than fuck most of the time.

Ah, the friend zone. Such a deplorable place to be, no? It's *hard* to break out of the friend zone, but there is an uptick to it: He probably has some cute friends. Them's easy pickins'. Low hanging fruit. They already know you're cool, & that you have a vajayjay, & that you're not with the guy you met them through. Have you explored/exploited that angle yet?

As for the guy & his lady friend, the guy would have a better holiday with you because you are his mate, not his girlfriend. Think about it. She's likely badgering him into doing all kinds of goofy vacation shit that he feels obligated to do because he's fucking her. Since he's not shagging you, you'd be just a fun buddy & you would probably both have a good time. So I wouldn't read anything into it more than that.

JCrush used to do that to me. Whenever he got tickets/invited to something cool, I was first on the list of +1s because he was guaranteed a good time with minimal drama. I was more than happy to be his beard when top shelf liquor/hot boys were involved.

In other JCrush news, I have successfully avoided him since my slip up however long ago. Apparently he is unaware of this since everybody & their mom asked me about him. Um, how would I know? I don't know his number, where he's working, who he's fucking, how to find him.

The Korean Kid has been nosing around again. I thought I'd shook him, but no dice.
Pageo
Thanks, yeah, I understand what you mean about why he thinks he'd have fun with me as his holiday-mate, thanks for clarifying it. I don't know any of his friends as we live about 4 hours from each other so that's not really an option. I just wish he read the fact that we get on and are so easy going together as a sign that we could be great together as a couple, maybe or not, I don't know, it's hard not to feel used when he's like this. I don't actually think he'd be good for me as a partner, I just am a bit addicted to him still even though nothing's ever happened between us. I don't know why I feel like I need his attention. Anyway am now distracting myself by watching loads of kids films, hahahahahha. That' s feel good right there.

You are very good to be avoiding this fellow JCrush, I think that really it's the only way to get over people is not see them any more or have any contact but man it's hard to drag yourself away especially when there's no one else on the horizon.
stargazer
pageo, i think AP gave you sound advice. you need to spend time with a man who will treasure what you have to offer and not loot the pooty. make sense. and it is true that putting distance between you and someone else is terribly hard. don't forget that you can keep your self respect by letting him know that how he treats you makes you feel.

AP, dude, JCrush just won't die off, huh.
Pageo
Yeah, I know, it's just that I'm not sure such a man exists! x ps yeah, men are stooooopid when it comes to ladies, blind as bats and totally unaware of what's good for them. hahahaha.
auralpoison
I've got the Critic, the Comic, & the Korean Kid all aboard the AP train. Casual, fun flirtation, nothing more.

JCrush: the crush that will not go the fuck away. I know he's not the missing puzzle piece behind the couch that will make the sky complete. I do. I just can't seem to be rid of him.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(geekchickknits @ Jul 25 2008, 10:05 AM) *
The boy I like has been travelling for july, and in spite of him telling me he would write or text he hasn't. NOT ONE WORD.


Ha HA! FINALLY got a message from the boy today. He apologized for not writing me sooner, asks how I'm doing, and then ends with the enigmatic

"miss me yet? no? ok"

Anyone wanna take a stab at WTF that's supposed to mean?

I would also like to point out in the month or so he's been gone, I've only sent him three messages - one was a reply to his farewell text, one was a note when he'd been gone for about a week asking how his trip was going, and one was a job posting that I was sent by a friend about a week ago and emailed to him because I know he's not always happy in his job (this included a very short and perfunctory note essentially hey, thought you'd be interested in this....)
mouse
well, after some mixed messages dude politely declined a second date. utterly baffled at why guys don't seem to like me--really fucking wish i knew--but really, not much else to do but buck up and get on with it. it's a shame, as he was really dreamy, but there's really no use bumming out over a guy i went on one date with, regardless of how awesome his living room was.

NEXT PLEASE
Pageo
Geekchic, you did extremely well to only send 3 completely normal and unobsessive messages, well done you! Maybe his confusing message meant that he was expecting you to message him more than you did, and that he was disappointed and confused that you didn't, so brilliant! Or it could be just that he's an arrogant bastard, hahaha. Which he probably is...(no offense).

In a similar vein I sent my crush a message apologising for being a bit 'grabby' and demanding of his attention before he went on holiday and saying how I missed him (which I wish I hadn't put but he wasn't replying to my thoughtful and nice messages about questions about his trip and how I hoped he had a lovely time) and he's written back (WHILST ON HOLIDAY WITH HIS 'GIRLFRIEND') to say that he did think it was a bit strange that I had said that as he thought we had 'talked all that through' (ie, me wanting him and it not being vice versa but us just being friends) in January but that it 'wasn't so weird that he was going to tell me to fuck off...at least not yet,ha'......I was fucking outraged that he thought I needed and missed him just because I had a crush on him rather than I just wanted a friend...I sent back a message pointing this out, that I no longer felt this way about him (hmmmm, liar!) and that I just missed him as friends....no message back yet but I have seen activity on Facebook so he's obviously seen my message, even though he's with her. Weird how men think it's weird to be interested and kind to lady friends, it's only when they're fucking them that they 'pretend' to be interested.

Jesus H Christ. What a crazy thing.

Thinking of all of you out there in the same position x
candycane_girl
(((mouse))) I don't understand guys.

Maybe this is being superficial but I often feel that guys aren't interested in me because I'm overweight. I want to lose weight, not just for myself but also to feel confident. I feel like I have a good personality and I'm okay looking but I would look a lot better and be more attractive if I lost a lot of weight. I'll have to report back in a year tongue.gif

Anyway, as I mentioned in the Kvetch and letters threads I'm still feeling quite hung up on my friend "Henry". I have never felt so fucked up about a guy. I keep thinking I'm over him and then it starts all over again. Luckily I'm at home right now so last night I just had a good cry about it all and my mom comforted me. I've decided that when I get back to Toronto I'll just have to avoid him for a bit. Luckily school will be starting up so I'll be busy anyway. I hate the fact that he's so funny/nice/sweet/goofy/has good taste in music, basically everything that I want in a guy. Dammit.
sareybelle
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Aug 3 2008, 12:06 AM) *
(((mouse))) I don't understand guys.

Maybe this is being superficial but I often feel that guys aren't interested in me because I'm overweight. I want to lose weight, not just for myself but also to feel confident. I feel like I have a good personality and I'm okay looking but I would look a lot better and be more attractive if I lost a lot of weight. I'll have to report back in a year tongue.gif

Anyway, as I mentioned in the Kvetch and letters threads I'm still feeling quite hung up on my friend "Henry". I have never felt so fucked up about a guy. I keep thinking I'm over him and then it starts all over again. Luckily I'm at home right now so last night I just had a good cry about it all and my mom comforted me. I've decided that when I get back to Toronto I'll just have to avoid him for a bit. Luckily school will be starting up so I'll be busy anyway. I hate the fact that he's so funny/nice/sweet/goofy/has good taste in music, basically everything that I want in a guy. Dammit.


I think there are certainly a lot of guys who are hesitant to date overweight girls, especially men who are overly concerned with how their girlfriend makes THEM look. There are probably women who are hesitant to date overweight men for the same reason, though I think that generally women are more forgiving about that. I have seen my friends who are overweight turned down or relegated to the "just friends" category too often for it to be just coincidence- however, that's happened to all of us based on sexual orientation (anyone who's harbored a pointless crush on a gay male friend, say aye!), or race, or some other physical attribute. It doesn't feel good.

While I certainly would not endorse rewarding behavior that's superficial and hurtful, I do have to say two things about potentially losing weight or getting healthier, whichever way you want to look at it.

1) living in the South, I often heard women say something along the lines of "you are a beautiful garden, but you have to tend to this garden in order for people to want to come to you." So while I do not think it's helpful to beat yourself up for not being a race car driving supermodel with tons of charisma, I think it is good to take the time that you have when you are single to pursue good healthy habits, and hobbies and interests that will benefit you threefold: 1) you will be satisfied with the life you're living (and let's face it, you only live once) 2) depending on your hobby, you may be introduced to a larger social circle which is always a positive thing if you are trying to date, and 3) when you do date someone, he will be fascinated and floored by what a well rounded and confident person you are. It sounds like you are in school, so that's always a good thing to throw yourself into. But if you like music maybe there's a school radio station you can get a time slot at?

2) I am assuming that you are actually overweight according to health guidelines, and not someone who is suffering from a skewed body image? If this is the case and you want to get in shape, I think that's actually a really worthwhile goal. Primarily for yourself (as I am sure you probably realize) because while our bodies are just shells, they are the shells that house and protect our souls. But you are probably right in that losing weight will probably make you attractive to an increased number of people people. Just try not to judge them too harshly when they come flocking to you! When weight comes off, you might feel different and exercise without a doubt gives you a mental, dopamine boost that I think people can sense a mile away. (Exercise also gives men a way to approach you but that's another story.)

It sounds as though people have been ignoring your lovely garden and that is too bad. However, you just keep tending to yourself, and someone will eventually wander in.

Okay, good luck & sorry for the bad southern analogy! I wish computers had smellovision so you the scent of gardenias and juleps and White Shoulders could have accompanied this post.


mouse
yeah. i mean, this is probably a post for a different thread, but since the conversation's started--i feel similarly. most people wouldn't consider me "fat", but i'm not skinny. i'm in that weird grey area between normal and plus size. i don't feel like i'm big enough to embrace it as who i am, but i'm not quite small enough to label myself as "average". i'm also a little weirdly made up--i have small boobs (juuust a b cup) that i feel are really out of proportion (and annoying because when guys say they're looking for "curvy, big" girls you know they're looking for a huge rack, not a squishy belly), a large ribcage that makes my profile look significantly larger than my front view, and a bit of some double chin action that was there even back in highschool when i was 120, so is just related to shitty genes and not fat per se, but i still hate it.

however, for the most part, i'm pretty happy with my body. i don't love it but i feel marginally comfortable with it and i don't feel HIDEOUS, you know? sometimes it makes me wonder if i have some sort of reverse body dysmorphia where i think i look better than i do, cos i don't think i look all that bad but then i keep getting rejected. hah.

i know that i'm pretty cold and shy about meeting/talking to guys in real life and i try to work on that but it's not really in my nature at all to be warm and flirty with someone i don't know. it takes me a LONG time to be comfortable with someone, be it friend or boy, but luckily enough people have had the patience to stick it out that now i have some really awesome close friends. however, that doesn't explain the online disses--people who seem totally enthusiastic about emailing me every day but then decide after one date that they're not into it. even when i was dating the lawyer and was pretty sure i wasn't into it, i gave him another chance.

whatever, though. i mean, the only thing that my life is lacking is sex/romance. my career is great and promising, i have a fantastic apartment, i have a ton of really amazingly awesome ladyfriends, and you know, substantial dudes have loved me in the past. it's not like it's never happened, it's just rare. one even thought i was so attractive that he couldn't stop sleeping with me for two goddamn years no matter how many times we tried to end it. so i try to keep that in mind and just figure i can't do anything about boys that aren't into me except forget them quickly.

ETA: oh, i wanted to post this: http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweight.shtml

it's really interesting to peruse.
candycane_girl
sareybelle, I am seriously overweight. It worries me that I should be like, 100 pounds lighter. I'm a size 20 now but I should be a 12. As for the guy thing I just don't know what to think. I've had casual sex relationships with a couple of guys who seemed to love my body but I can't seem to just find a regular cute guy who wants to date me. Strangely enough I have a tendency to fawn over really tall and skinny guys (yet another quality that Henry shares with the kind of guys I want). To put it simply, Thurston Moore is my dream guy.
sareybelle
just to try to kind of sort of bring it back to the crush thread, I have to say that one thing (of many) I like about the guy that I'm dating now is that from what he says and what I've seen from old vacation photos (hey, he sent me the flickr link), he seems to have dated women with a variety of body types, from curvy to super athletic to pretty thin. This tells me does see beyond women's bodies- though he does seem fond of mine. I'm sure he's been fond of several in his life and they weren't all from the same cookie cutter. I think in general he probably prefers women that are active and fit (he bikes constantly) but that can take many forms- as made clear from the cool height weight link posted in the last thread. I don't know- I think I'm pretty attractive (particularly to guys that like sweaty women with perpetual helmet head) but if I felt that were the only or the primary reason someone was with me, I'd be pretty disappointed. Hopefully in the end we all end up with someone who's in it for the whole package.

To totally bring it back to the crush thread, I should tell you that this guy I'm dating is someone I've had a crush on for kind of a while! I remember seeing him at our neighborhood bar like YEARS ago and asking a friend about him. She said, "I think maybe he's kind of conceited." He never paid me much mind so I didn't pursue it. One night back in February of this year I ended up having a nice long conversation with him and it was the kind of thing where you'd find yourself thinking about something he'd said a few days later and feeling happy. So I sent him an anonymous Valentine! Something like, "Thanks for everything you do to make cycling safer here. I have no idea if you're single or not, but I think you're kind of easy on the eyes and either way I hope you have a happy Valentine's Day."

Months passed and I was always nervous around him, figuring he'd used his connections with the city to someone analyze the DNA on the envelope and figure out I was this stalking loser... I was beginning to lose hope, but he did ask me if I was planning on going to this fundraising dance for his organization (he's a bike advocate), and when I didn't go (out of town) he emailed the next day asking where I was. I figured it might be worth a shot yet.

Meanwhile, a mutual friend of ours who is organizing a bike sharing program here asked if I'd help do some group "bike modeling" for a piece for Agence France Presse. It was 100 degrees and I had to leave work to do it but I figured The Boy would probably be there so I wore this cute sundress and tried to pin up my hair in some bike helmet friendly way. Sure enough he was there, we spoke briefly, and when I got back to work there was an email, "do you want to have a drink later this week? we need to discuss your future in bike modeling."

It was still tortuous. At first he started asking me to do things with a group, and then FINALLY an actual date, and now we go out most nights of the week and the weekends. It took a while but it was worth it! The other thing that was difficult was forcing myself to go on a spontaneous twenty mile bike ride with him on a Sunday afternoon when I had just gotten back from one that morning! But I looked in the mirror and said, "girl, if you like this guy, you need to WOMAN UP." I quickly showered the filth from ride number 1 off, BLEW MY HAIR DRY and when he showed up I looked halfway normal.

I guess what I am saying here is COURAGE, ladies! This stuff is definitely not for the faint of heart.

PS Also I should add that he now knows about the Valentine! I just couldn't not tell him, it was too weird. I was paranoid that he'd recognize my handwriting. He seemed kind of amazed- and he still had it, so now I guess it's been reunited with the other cards I've sent him and all our ticket stubs etc.
anna k
Sometimes I feel bad that I don't seem to get instantly turned on by men. The last time I dated was in April, and both guys were duds. I've gone out to bars and meetup groups to meet guys, but never had any luck. Or I get attracted to men who seemed intimidating and sexy, and I feel so young compared to them (I'm 24, but I look younger). Like I don't feel right for guys my age, but feel much younger for men who seem more manlier and sexier to me.

A guy at my workplace asked me out, and I said yes, but he kept calling me almost every day, and it weirded me out. So I broke the date, and now I'm just cordial and polite to him, but not letting him get a date out of me. I wasn't even really into him, I just thought I'd give him a chance.

Sometimes I really want to be like women who have a big circle of friends, who meet guys through their friends, and are all in the same circle with boyfriends and fuck buddies. But I have few friends, and have mostly dated guys through dating websites, afterwards usually feeling bored or uninterested or liking them in a brotherly, platonic way (that happened with two guys I dated two years ago).

The last times I felt sexual desire for men was twice last summer, with two strangers who I felt attracted to but intimidated by. Since then, I've had sex with two other men, and both times bored me, despite me trying to make it good. It's a lot that can make me feel like I'll always be single, or won't feel more confident or wilder until I'm in my thirties and closer in age to the kind of men I like, who will probably be after girls my age who will be turned on by their "maturity." Blech.

I feel good about myself physically. I'm in good shape, I have stronger muscles, I've felt sexy and beautiful a lot through dance, weight-training, eating healthy foods, and drinking water every day. I feel much more confident and more beautiful than when I was younger, though I felt my fittest five years ago, after having worked as a movie usher picking up garbage and developed a strong, toned body.

QUOTE
I know that i'm pretty cold and shy about meeting/talking to guys in real life and i try to work on that but it's not really in my nature at all to be warm and flirty with someone i don't know. it takes me a LONG time to be comfortable with someone, be it friend or boy,


I always wanted to really enjoy sex with guys, but never felt turned on by someone enough to really like it. I just used guys as props, seeing what I liked and didn't like, but never really got off or liked it a lot. I've crushed more on guys when I'm been around them for awhile and developed interest and sexual desire, but rarely is it ever something instant or really wanting someone. It can make me feel weird.
mouse
QUOTE(anna k @ Aug 4 2008, 11:08 AM) *
Sometimes I really want to be like women who have a big circle of friends, who meet guys through their friends, and are all in the same circle with boyfriends and fuck buddies.


not to prolong this group pity party we're having tongue.gif, but anna, i'm proof that you can have a huge circle of friends and still never find a boy for you. somehow my friends find them. somehow i don't. really, i just don't understand how those things happen.

to quote one of my favorite tmbg songs, "these things happen to other people/they don't happen at all, in fact".
zoya
mouse - count me as proof no. 2. I find em - but having one that's interested in me enough to proceed forward, no. I don't fucking get it. I've got it going on. My life is great in all the other ways - I have great friends, job is going wonderfully, living somewhere I've always wanted to live, things are great. I'm not bad looking, I take care of myself, I don't have hang ups, people (including guys) tell me all the time I'm great. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG? It's seriously the only area of my life that completely mystifies me.

shit, right now I'm sitting here looking at my buddy list, and a guy who took me out for a drink two weeks ago, treated me like a princess, wanted to stay in touch, sent me a couple nice emails and said he'd IM me next time he was on - is online. Has he said hi? no. Am I gonna? no. The thing is, it's not like he even has to do anything other than be nice and friendly with me. it's not like it escalated beyond that. And I can't even get that. ARRRGHHHH!!!!!

anyway. I'm with you. Don't get it. dont' think I ever will. it's not like I'm out there being miserable over this stuff, like I said, I have a great life. but it's fucking mystifying. seriously.

FEH.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(mouse @ Aug 3 2008, 01:55 PM) *
i know that i'm pretty cold and shy about meeting/talking to guys in real life and i try to work on that but it's not really in my nature at all to be warm and flirty with someone i don't know. it takes me a LONG time to be comfortable with someone, be it friend or boy, but luckily enough people have had the patience to stick it out that now i have some really awesome close friends.


Mouse, to me this is the key. I understand being shy. I have had to work VERY hard to push past my shy and it still kicks me in the ass sometimes. But something changed for me over this past year. Where it used to be that I would have to throw myself on a guy to get noticed, all of a sudden I've been beating them off with a stick. What changed was me.

I have become more open and receptive to what people offer me. I walk tall and with confidence. I look people in the eye and smile. I enjoy myself and my body, and that's what I project when I'm in the world or on a date. I let people in.

Part of being shy for me was essentially turning myself invisible. I allowed myself to be seen and people responded. Hope this helps.
sareybelle
The worst was when my guy friends told me they had friends who wanted to be fixed up with me, but they were hesitant to expose me to them because "they aren't good enough for you Sarah." I was like, I'm in the midst of a year and a half dry spell, let me be the judge of that!

The other worst thing was that some people seemed to think men throw themselves at me because I play music. Um, not so, that works for guys who are on stage but for girls, it can be just the opposite. Nice normal guys who you would WANT to talk to figure "oh, she's probably dating one of her band mates" and shy away. The ones that actually do approach you are clueless idiots with unwarranted self confidence who corner you after a show, and monopolize your time talking about how they always wanted to learn how to play guitar. Congratulations, here's a G chord, now shoo and go practice!

Do any of you shy ladies think it's possible that the men who are attracted to you are

a) intimidated
cool.gif equally shy
c) clueless
d) all of the above

When you do have a crush on someone, do you tend to

a) tell them, to hell with it
cool.gif throw down hints and see what happens ("everyone thinks we're dating, isn't that weird?")
c) get really shy when they're around, and then they think you hate them
d) get drunk, make out with them, and hope something comes of it

Sorry to turn this thread into a "RATE YOUR FLIRTING STYLE" cosmo quiz.


anna k
deleted.
futura
Hi all. I've been on the other side of dating for 17 years. I've had 2 boyfriends and my second relationship lasted 9 years. We lived together for 6. We broke up. It's hard to put into words why. Especially when people ask me about it..i just don't know where to begin. My ex is a great guy and we're good friends. But i guess when you feel you're turning against eachother instead of being a team, it's time to take a step back and look at what you're doing.

So i'm single. And it's weird. And i'm happy about it. I have all this space for myself, i don't have to think about anyone else. I think it would be a good thing for me to remain single for quite some time. I never really thought about flirting, about other guys. And now that is all happening. It weirds me out and at the same time i can't stay away from the game, you know, the whole shebang. I have quite a few male friends, so i guess i probably have more knowledge about men than i thought.

I don't know where i'm going and for the moment and i don't care. I'm free.

This must sound like rambling, but there you go.

ETA; Geekchiknits, i hear you.
geekchickknits
futura, I agree with you. I think it's very important to take time in our lives to be single. When I see women who haven't been single since they started dating, I always wonder how they know who they are.
sareybelle
QUOTE(geekchickknits @ Aug 7 2008, 07:45 AM) *
futura, I agree with you. I think it's very important to take time in our lives to be single. When I see women who haven't been single since they started dating, I always wonder how they know who they are.


I 2nd (or 3rd) this emotion. I was single for years- I guess five years really- since I moved to DC. I dated maybe two people for a few months. Made out with like, two more. But certainly no relationships, not compared to what I'd been doing from age 19- 25. Now I am dating this man who I just LOVE and I think the combination of being a little older and wiser along with all that time spent single has allowed me to be much more relaxed and happy about how things are going.

I didn't spend my late twenties freaking out about some guy- I just spent my Saturdays riding my bike, eating raw oysters, playing music and selecting the weekend's bath bomb from LUSH. It was quite a life! One that I think I'll treasure whether I eventually end up partnered with kids or not. If I do get married someday, I'll appreciate that I had a lot of time to myself. If I end up single for life, well, I already know how to be really good at it, and happy. He's kind of the same way- it's nice to be with someone who you feel really at home with, but who doesn't need you in his life in order to live and act like a complete, grown up person. And hopefully, vice versa for him too.
geekchickknits
pms + sexual frustration + awkward situation = foot in mouth + uncomfortable situation = wondering if I'm ever going to hear from him again

yeah.
sareybelle
QUOTE(geekchickknits @ Aug 13 2008, 11:11 PM) *
pms + sexual frustration + awkward situation = foot in mouth + uncomfortable situation = wondering if I'm ever going to hear from him again

yeah.


Whoa, what happened?
auralpoison
Yeah, you can't just leave it like that. It can't have been that bad.
geekchickknits
Sorry to leave you guys hanging.....have not had time to write.....

It's long and drawn out so I'll try to make this the condensed version.

Tuesday, we had last minute plans to hang out after work and he called me just before I was leaving to see if he had time to have a beer with some friends. I asked if it was a place I could eat dinner, he said he didn't think so. I said fine, go have a beer, I'll go eat dinner, then come pick you up.

When I got to the bar to pick him up (which was totally a place I could have eaten) he was hanging out with 3 girls. That's fine, the industry he's in is very female dominant, and most of his friends are women. Then he asks me, in front of them, if two of the three girls can come hang out with us at my place. I try to imply that the gaming we're doing is numbers restrictive (it is), but they don't take the hint and say they're fine watching.

Right.

He then asks me if I'm ok. I say I'm in a weird mood. He then says it's ok for me to say no if it's not ok, but let's be honest - I'm feeling pretty freaking trapped. I say that I'm worried they'll be bored. He tells me who they're staying with and I understand why he's invited them (the guy's they're staying with is a bit of a jerk) but still....

Then the girls ask how they're going to get to my place and get home. He tells them I have a car, and he has to go home tonight anyway. Now I'm pissed off, but again, completely trapped. I say to him under my breath (as we are right in front of his friends) "I was kinda hoping you'd stay after." He says "What?" like he doesn't hear me, and I figure I'll just talk to him about it when we're at my place.

The girls come over, we play a different game and have a good time, but it was not the evening I had planned or had been looking forward to. I really just wanted to have a low-key game with my squeeze and my roomie and then have hot hot sex because it's two days before my period and my vibrator broke.

Then I drive the girls to their place and then my guy to his place which is just around the corner from where they're staying. In the car on the drive, we somehow get on the topic of religion, and of course, all of them are having trouble wrapping their brain around the fact that I'm an atheist. (For the record, if believing in God(ess)(e)(s) brings you peace and hope, awesome. I find peace and hope in the fact that there is no afterlife, and though energy never disappears just changes, this is the only life we have, and why not make it the best it you can.) So needless to say, by the time I'm dropping off the guy, I'm in a foul mood, pms-ing like an sob, tired, and sexually frustrated.

And I decide to say something to him about it.

"You know, I was really hoping to have sex tonight, because my period is gonna start in two days."

Which is the wrong thing to say.

Because now he feels weird and uncomfortable and pressured to have sex.

I explain that I tried to say something about it earlier, but he didn't hear me and we were never alone, so when was I supposed to say something about it. I didn't even get into the fact that I felt trapped into inviting two strangers into my home on a night that I wasn't really feeling up to playing host.

At this point, I'm also feeling bad that I made him uncomfortable. And I finally say, "You know what? I wish I hadn't said anything. Please, let's just forget that I said anything. I'm in a really weird mood anyway." (In spite of the fact that it was so close to my period, I hadn't really realized it was pms at that point. Not til I got home and thought about it.

We said that maybe we would get together the next day, so even though he'd said he was going to call me, I called him when I was leaving work. No answer. And his VM was full.

Yesterday I woke up feeling like a cloud had lifted (because aunt flo was showing up that day) and decided even though I wanted to wait for him to call, I really didn't like the way we had left things that last time we spoke, so I sent him a text saying that all I wanted to say about the other night for now was....pms! and I had an extra ticket for a show tonight do you want to come? Hadn't heard from him by 530 (though I knew he was at work) so called him once, again with the no-answer-full-voice-mail, hung up and deleted his number from my phone.

He called half an hour later. Couldn't come to the show (as I had figured) and we chatted until his phone cut off because he'd run out of minutes.

Now that I've re-established positive contact with him and I'm no longer pms-ing, I can wait for him to call. I'm busy out of town all weekend, so even if he wanted to hang out with me he can't. tongue.gif

However, the next time I talk to him face to face, I'm going to ask him that if he wants to invite people over to my house, could he please ask me over the phone or privately? That way, I can say sure, but I hope you'll stay after they leave as I was really hoping to fuck you senseless, or I can say, I'm not up for playing host tonight, go hang out with your friends and we'll get together tomorrow.

Well, I hope that was exciting as you ladies hoped. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting, and to be honest, I'm impressed if you made it through the whole thing. laugh.gif
mouse
yeah so i thought since i got fuck-all from the real life dating world that internet dating would be easier. not so. i seem to be second-date kryptonite. boys are TOTALLY into me up until we meet in real life. do i REALLY come across THAT MUCH better on paper? i mean....REALLY?????? it's not like i'm posting totally photoshopped misleading photos.....i'm as honest as possible. but for some reason, they aren't into it the second i show up in the flesh.

W. T. F.
Queen Bull
so bleh. i think i have a sign around my neck that says throw me in the friend zone with bubba, on a shelf, that way, when you are feeling frisky you can take my friendly vag of said shelf, and go at it.

only guess what. thats not how it works.

just friends my ass......

dry.gif
geekchickknits
QUOTE(mouse @ Aug 17 2008, 09:48 PM) *
yeah so i thought since i got fuck-all from the real life dating world that internet dating would be easier. not so. i seem to be second-date kryptonite. boys are TOTALLY into me up until we meet in real life. do i REALLY come across THAT MUCH better on paper? i mean....REALLY?????? it's not like i'm posting totally photoshopped misleading photos.....i'm as honest as possible. but for some reason, they aren't into it the second i show up in the flesh.

W. T. F.


Most people I've met on the internet I don't go on second dates with. For some reason, whatever connection we had online just isn't there in person. Sometimes it's there for them, but not for me. Sometimes it's there for me, but not for them.

How many dates have you gone on off the internet mouse? When I was using online for dating, I would go on second dates with maybe 1 in 10, and third dates with maybe one in 30.

I know how much it can suck though, particularly if you are shy, or not as confident.

Have you tried speed dating? I never have, though lately I've been thinking I might go just for fun.
Pageo
Ok so I've just sorta started seeing this guy who I'm really physically attracted to, we've already done it (only had 3 'dates' so far, each of which have lasted about 10 hours each) and I've been single for 2 years until now so I'm pretty horny for him.

Only trouble is he keeps annoying me, the worst so far is he texted me yesterday to ask how the movie was I went to see Monday and to tell me he went to a leaving party for his friends who are moving so he was feeling a bit sad. I sent one back saying I had been sent home from work sick and that I wasn't going in today either and then some comforting stuff about how I know how it feels to lose friends and that he would still have fun going to visit them, and then he texted back after an hour and just said 'Yeah, it will be cool to see Edinburgh again.'.

So NOTHING about me being ill, let alone 'is there anything I can do to make you feel better', etc. I'm getting more and more annoyed at his rubbishness, he only intermittently puts a X (kiss) after his messages, what's that about? Plus he seems to be 35 going on 25, a bit lazy and selfish it seems but who really knows? Should I go with my current instinct and get rid or should I give him more of a chance to prove himself by pulling back a bit?

Do you think I'm over reacting? I am worried that I am being impatient with him because I've been single for ages and haven't had to deal with less-than-brilliant people as I've been with friends who treat me like a prize and I do likewise. I don't want to stress out about this but what do you think, honestly, ladies. xxx
zoya
pageo - I dont' think you're over reacting. Go with your gut. I'd say pull back and see what happens, but if he doesn't step up to the plate, be prepared to cut and run. I had this happen to me last year with a guy I was SOOO into. Giving me all the signals and everything. Hell, he actually called us a couple once. Best sex of my life. etc etc. But he'd pull the same pulling back kind of thing as you're dealing with. I thought I was over reacting and just kept plugging away, but I really wish I'd pulled back. I don't know that he would have stepped up to the plate relationship wise, but I would have seen way earlier in the game that he was as you put it "35 going on 25" I put way too much of myself out there, hoping he'd respond - and while he did now and then, it was like a carrot dangling that once in awhile he'd let me catch for a nibble, but eventually just pulled away. (after me kinda freaking out - and who wouldn't at that point really. that's why I say I wish I'd pulled back and stuck with it if I saw he wasn't stepping up. At least I'd not have freaked out)

so anyway... that's my .02 cents. oh yeah, and ALWAYS listen to your intuition. We try to talk ourselves out of it, saying "oh it's just my baggage, etc" but 99.9% of the time, in retrospect, my intuition has been right.

auralpoison
Pageo, honey, I gotta ask, do you even *like* this guy? Yeah, you're into him physically & horny for him (Post-dryspell, natch.), but you never said anything about him being smart or funny or anything. Just eminently fuckable & annoying. And honestly, he's not even being that irritating. Three dates is only three dates, whether you've done the nasty or not. No reason to get your knickers in a twist over his lack of kisses at the end of his texts. It was a dick move to not say anything about your being unwell, but, um, he's a GUY & they're all kinda RETARDED when it comes to that shit.

ETA, Zoya is right about trusting your intuitions, but it doesn't sound like this guy is pulling a Lucy on you & jerking the ball away every time you try to kick it. He sounds like your normal, run of the mill inconsiderate man.
geekchickknits
Pageo, I gotta say, I'm with AP on this....it's been 3 dates! I date someone for at least three months before I even start to talk relationship.

But go with your gut.

I have also found, that I am more irritated with the general idiocy of men at certain time of the month if you catch my drift. So, if that's what it is, maybe you wanna wait a week before you decide?
zoya
wow, now I feel over reactionary!! smile.gif ..I was kinda focusing on what pageo said: "Plus he seems to be 35 going on 25, a bit lazy and selfish it seems" That was something that struck me that was different from all the other stuff about specific little things like not texting, etc. I've noticed after the fact, or later on when it becomes a relationship - that the red flags like that that I saw in the beginning but kinda talked myself into ignoring - are generally the ones that I was right on about.

I just meant to back off a bit (even if it's just mentally detaching yourself so you're not so focused on what he's doing and how you're reacting, etc..) so you can see things a wee bit more clearly. There's all the time in the world for things to develop, so no reason not to sit back and see if your intuition is right, or if you're just being reactionary.

mouse
i have to say i think i'm gonna side with zoya on this one. 3 dates may be minor, but if the dude was *really* into you he'd be more attentive. this doesnt' mean that he won't get more into you as things progress (again, 3 dates isn't all that much) but as of right now he's not immediately smitten. if you wanna play along and see if you grow on him, i'd just keep up whatever you're doing--being friendly, but not obsessive, and open to whatever happens. he's obviously into you at least a bit, otherwise he wouldn't be texting you at all, but it's no ass-over-teakettle where-did-you-come-from type of thing yet. YET. good luck!
auralpoison
God, can I just say I hate the phrases that go along with "He's just not that into you." We spend so much time worrying about whether or not he's into us that *we* forget whether or not *we're* really that into him. It leads to all of the overanalyzing/second guessing we do trying to find meaning in some insignificant thing they've done. That leads to us acting like crazy people & doing irrational shit. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, no?

And. I just think a lot of people get short shrift because we aren't getting the ZING we want early on. Hell, most people don't even really chill out until the third date! Chemistry is important, don't get me wrong, but haven't you ever known somebody that wasn't totally awesome initially that one day busted out such science that you changed your mind?

Do I think this guy is a keeper? No. Not because he's selfish, immature, & lazy, but because I don't think she's that into him if the only positive thing she can say about him is that she's physically attracted to him. She's been fairly effusive in her praise of her mates/their treatment of her (Except that they won't date her.), but not about the guy that she's shagging. He may not be smitten with her, but I think she may be even less smitten with him.
culturehandy
*delurks*

I'm with you all on this one. Who does that? I get that he's upset about his friend, but it's also easy and considerate to ask how are you feeling?

and I'm seiously crushing on someone.

*relurks*
auralpoison
I don't think that's weird at all, we've all made valid points. Our persepctives are just rooted in different things.

And we *know* you're seriously crushing, Lil Miss WaLOYNS!
girltrouble
hee hee! i know who culture is crushing on. just tell him for fucksake. he's been calling you and... keee-rist it's obvious he's falling for you too.
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