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auralpoison
Give up the fear, CH! It isn't until you give up the fear that shit works. Fear of rejection, fear of whatever obstacle you've put in place to make yourself feel "safe". LET IT GO. I was TERRIFIED when I went for it with HB. Terrified, horrified, & as scared as a bitch can be. Massively turned on, enamorated, & pathetic in my awe of him. But in that moment when he was dropping me off, I said, "Fuck it, I'm going for it & if he says no then so be it." It was hands down the best fucking choice I've ever made in my life. I cannot enumerate the ways he's made my life better. I'm a smarter, better, stronger AP through him. We GROW through each other. Do I think it's retarded that he watches birds? Yes. Do I hate golf? Yes. Do I think a lot of the shit he does is RETARDED? YES! But in the end, he's a good shit & he loves me more than life itself because I LET him. I dropped all my defenses & let him into my dark, ugly, shriveled little heart.

LET HIM IN, CULTUREHANDY! Even if it isn't perfect & doesn't last forever, he'll be a learning experience. We become better people through time & experience. It's how we find out what we do & do not like in a mate. All the of the frogs I kissed before HB made him that much the sweeter.
Pageo
Thank you ladies, thank you, but I'm afraid all your advice has come too late as HE HAS DUMPED ME! hahaha! He said even though he found me very attractive indeed both physically and mentally, he can't ignore the small part of him that is saying "no" and that he just isn't feeling it with me on an emotional level and didn't know if he would. I was a bit upset but mainly due to being broken up with rather than breaking up with HIM, and now, about 24 hours later, I feel fine as I realised I am quite relieved not to be stressing about his obvious lack of emotion towards me, I guess it's the not-knowing that's so hard, as soon as I knew for real how he was feeling I felt better. I knew that I should be listening to all those voices in my head which kept popping up and going "Hey! He's a bit rubbish! He's not right for you! Plus he has a thin dick (hahaha)!" instead of holding on to the romantic idea that because he can laugh together and have fun and have sex then that means we mean the world to each other already. I don't know how much of any of this is to do with the fact that we spent so much time together and fucked so early on....I really don't. Either way, it's over but I do hope we can be friends in time, and to be honest it was so great to feel attractive again after NO interest in 2 years it was almost worth it! So, ladies....learn from my experience...LISTEN TO THE VOICES!!!!! Thanks again for lovely and wise words. xxx
culturehandy
AP and GT, I did tell him and we are hanging out tonight, so we shall see.

GT, you were totally right, it really wasn't that bad.

Pageo, it's good to hear that you're doing well after that sitch.
Pageo
I was doing well yesterday but falling apart today. Feel powerless to feel better, feel sick and can't eat. I want to be friends with him and make it all OK, have sent him a message on facebook to that effect but no reply as yet. He's picking up his dvd's from me Friday so at least I'll see him then and see how the land lies. I hate feeling this way over an idiot man who couldn't love me and I know he totally wasn't cool enough for me, I've made a list of all the ways in which he pissed me off and upset me which I hope will help but then a nice moment pops into my head which negates all that.

Can anyone help me to distract myself and feel stronger, like, really really straight away? My friends have been great and I tried to go out clothes shopping with a friend today to get my mind off it but felt too upset in the end and had to come home and get some space. ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG fucking men. Please help if you can. x
mouse
hey pageo--it's tough. i'm sorry you gotta deal with this. but just know that it's a learning experience and you'll move on and in a couple weeks, you won't even be able to remember how it feels to be as bummed out as you are now. when i'm trying to get over someone it always helps me to look back on breakups i've gotten over before...you know, "this too shall pass" and all that. life goes on, and just think--the next guy to fall for you is ALREADY OUT THERE, doing SOMETHING (what could it be? reading a book? eating some toast? trying to get over some asshole girl who dumped him?) RIGHT NOW. let yourself feel it--it's valid and if you don't acknowledge that you're pissed off and sad, bottling it up will bite you in the ass later on. but then move on. there's other things out there to focus on, not just other boys, and you didn't really like him all that much to begin with. try to understand that you're sad about the principle of the thing, not about losing someone you genuinely loved, because it doesn't seem like that's the case at all, and then understand that being sad about theoretical concepts like principles is not worth your time. ultimately, it wasn't mean to be--as cheesy as that phrase is, it's true--and your best bet is to just cut your losses and move on to the next part of your life.

(((((pageo)))))
auralpoison
Huh. I was gonna suggest some Motorhead. Very loud. And a bottle of red wine. Or ice cream & a John Waters movie. But what Mouse said is probably better.
Pageo
Whatever did I do before this forum?! You are all so bloody brilliant. Thank you so much. You are right, it's the principle of the thing rather than him. I just feel sorry for myself!

I do want to be friends still with him though as it seems such a waste of time getting to know each other otherwise....what do you think? I'm still friends with all my ex's as I find this important to me as a person.....what about you?

Now going to go to bed to sleep the pain away for a bit...but you have made me smile and be stronger, and thank you for the hug Mouse. Wish we all knew each other in real life!xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
zoya
pageo - I'd say give it a lot of time and space. If you're still not 100% over it, in my experience it will more often than not bite you in the ass. seriously. As trite as it sounds, if you're supposed to be friends, you will. One of my best friends now is this guy that I had a similar experience with and didn't speak to for 5 YEARS. Then we ended up getting back in touch, talking the whole thing out (since after 5 years, it just didn't make a difference anymore) and now we're great friends. But I'm actually really glad I stopped talking to him (I was pissed off at him for being such a dickwad, so it wasn't that difficult) because if I'd tried to be any kind of friends then, we'd probably not be friends now, and certainly not as close of friends as we are now.

just my .02
auralpoison
Listen to the Zoya, she is smart.

My last attempt at remaining friends with an ex was a wash that resulted in a brand spanking new restraining order for him, a swollen jaw & burned thighs for me. If he'd just have stayed off the sauce he'd have been fine, but no. He practically ruined his career & last I heard was living with his mom.

I still maintain a healthy email/phone relationship with Christian, who was after psychoboy. I try to help him pull his head out of his ass fairly frequently when it comes to his relationships with the wimmins. And I get along with Jason, too, but we don't talk much. Last I saw him he was with a really GREAT woman that was the kind of woman he needed.

The rest are scattered to the winds. I wonder where Frank, Vince, Mike, Red, Glen, John, Chris, Micah, Ray, Jack, Damien, et al are. I wish them well & hope they've found what they're looking for because I sure as fuck wasn't it. I raise my glass to those boys.

So my relationship with the Critic is expanding. We're both seeing other people, but there's *something* there. I truly think he & I will be great friends if we can get past the flirtatious edge to everything.

I let both the Comic & the KK fall to the wayside socially. The Comic is a slacker & the KK is verbose & not in a good way. He's a writer as well, but instead of having my scalpel-like precision, he's got a lot of purple prose going on. It makes me think of that TH song:

You start a conversation you can't even finish it
You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed
Say something once, why say it again?

Him telling me about his day was like listening to an Anne Rice book on tape. Yeah, I got it, the bougainvillea were fuckin' lovely.
Pageo
I sent him a message asking to be friends and that I wanted to salvage something good out of what was, essentially, us both having too high expectations of falling in love with each other when in fact we just liked each other, had a laugh and were attracted to each other in a physical way (I don't think I could be in love with him and vice versa I think), he's written back to say he would love to be friends, it would mean a lot to him and that he feels like a heel for finishing it with me but that we do have a connection he'd hate to lose, so yay! I'm just glad that I have gained a new friend through this...I feel so much better and although we are meeting for a coffee Friday I don't have butterflies or anything, I just feel that it's like meeting any other friend. It's weird how although a couple of weeks ago we were kinda going out although it hadn't been discussed as that, I now don't have any romantic feelings for him but am just looking forward to hanging out and getting what's easy and fun out of a relationship with no expectations from either side. I love the fact that I'm in touch with all my ex's, some closer than others, none of them discuss their ladies with me. I just think that unless a man is shit to you (and it's probably easier for me as before this guy I've always been the one doing the dumping and was therefore in a position of power) it's nice to retain what you can from knowing that person so well, it certainly makes my life a lot richer and fuller, and it's fun to see what happens in their lives without you! x
zoya
just don't sleep with him.....

geekchickknits
I can't honestly say that I've stayed friends with ANY of my exes. I've tried - it just doesn't work. We always end up getting caught up in what went wrong.

Usually my attitude is "We tried being in a relationship - it didn't work" For me it's easier to go to lovers from friends than the other way around.
auralpoison
No, no, no for the love of god don't sleep with him again, Pageo.

I'm kinda the same way, done is done, GCK. The few I've stuck with were friends in the first place.

Most of my exes moved eventually, so we lost touch. We tried to stay in contact . . . but Boston, New Orleans, Chicago, Seattle, San Diego, Portland, New York, San Fran, Miami, etc. I just liked CO.
zoya
I've actually become friends with pretty much all of my exes. That said, it's not something that's happened even remotely overnight - it's pretty uncanny, all of the guys who've been important to me come back into my world eventually. It's been either just running into each other, or one person contacting the other out of the blue after years just to see how the other is, etc. And at that point, we've been able to basically talk it out, come clean, etc.. and just clean the slate - remove all the bullshit. And we've become friends.

The thing is, though, none of that has happened overnight, ever. it's taken years, and it's not been something that I could TRY to do. It was just letting it go completely - which usually was pretty much the best thing to do. (and I'm shit at letting go.) That's why I feel pretty lucky that it always seems to happen - every single guy who has been important to me in my world has come back into my life. A couple I've even had the opportunity to try something again with. But by that point, I had no desire to go there.

That's why sometimes I feel like I'm gonna end up being with someone from my past - because we've already gone through the bullshit and gotten through it, so we're totally copasetic.
Pageo
So I met up with him today for a coffee, it was allllll good. Easy and fun and relaxed. Also were quite heavy with the eye contact and he kissed me very near my mouth when we left but I'm ignoring all that side of it! (but also enjoying still being desired...hee hee)...I'm just so glad it ended in a happy way and that I now have a new friend. He suggested movies next Friday, so I'm happy now. Just not sure I ever want to get into a relationship again, with the 3 days of absolute torture it gave me after only a 3 week "relationship", I'm so much happier with just friends and having fun....has anyone else come to this conclusion, that boys simply aren't worth it? I'm not bitter, it just seems simple to me.....xxx
Queen Bull
*squeal* i went to boys house today for some jsut us time, and while we are externally just friends, we ended up in some very 'friendly' physical stuff, but mostly, we just talked. it was great. I love that i can talk to him for hours on end and not get bored. and we always have the most intense eye contact and subtle touches. and my heart leaped when asked what he wanted to be in relation to the 'friend zone', said he didnt know, then was like, actually yes i do, but i cant answer that now, and kissed me. hes just so sweet... i cant stand it. hes fine with us just chillin, but cant keep his eyes or hands off of me. i hate that he ships out in two weeks. sad.gif for 13 months. oh well, we are having a going away party for him. maybe there something will transpire.... but not too much. im just gonna let whatever happens, at the pace it wants to go.

exboy and i went to quickly and it had passion and no staying power...speaking of whom... he messaged me the other day, perhaps he wants to try round two? idk how i feel about that.

but *squeal*
Pageo
So this'll make you laugh, following me meeting that guy for a drink Friday afternoon, and him asking if I wanted to go to the movies this Friday, I sent him a facebook message saying I couldn't do Friday but asking if he could do other evenings this week....

No word from him until today when I got the followining text message...

"Hi, if fri no so good. You say when."

WTF????? It cracked me up, he's obviously some sort of no brain neaderthal. I sent one back saying "Eh?!".

Haha.

Honestly. x
auralpoison
It is the nature of the quick text to make no sense, Pageo.

I've been mock-seriously been thinking of saying fuck this love shit & going back to the harem days. Shit was a whole lot easier then. A bevvy of beautiful boys to suit my every whim instead of one old man I want to strangle right now.

So, anyway, I'm kinda really crushing on the Critic. And he's back on the market. I'm not gonna do anything stupid, but i am going to enjoy basking in the crushieness.

Anybody want some popcorn?
mouse
wcrush is back. and at this point, i'm way too good friends with him that making it known would be risking said friendship, friday happy hours, AND wednesday trivia nights, something i have become obsessed with.

motherFUCK.
auralpoison
Risk it. If he says no, I know you're tough enough to move on. And they get over it with a quickness & forget it ever happened. WE think they're all weirded, but they're usually over it.

You're so cute & so endearing, Mouse. Smart, funny, creative, etc. You're IT. I just can't see how a boy can say no unless they are a weenie. You are teh hotness! And I do mean TEH HOTNESS. You're smart, funny, creative, & ALL THAT. LA is a heady palce, but you are teh shit. Your only limitations are your own. You are in a douche saturated place, but I know that your hotness cannot be denied.

Don't make me come out to LA & be your ugly, weird, creepy, fat friend that bats sloppy seconds! I'm aggressive & cunning as a motherfucker, you can be my SMOKIN' HOT friend that gets all the boys! I'd gladly be your second. I'D DO IT MOUSE. Gimme a weekend! I'd love some chicken & waffles, some Pink's & some Pacific Dining Car!

I'm fat, I'm ugly, but I still take the risk. Maybe it's because I started playing Risk at a young age, but I know my strengths & I play to them.
mouse
shit, AP, a weekend with you in LA would be like christmas in september! and yeah. i know. i should risk it. i'm just a weennie myself and while i know it would be get-over-able, everything i like (chill, snarky happy hours, trivia night solidarity) would be CHANGED. and i don't want it to change yet.

i'm kicking myself for bowing out of a party last weekend early. i thought it was winding down, but w, friendgirl, her bf and some other friends ended up staying up till the wee hours. if another opportunity like that presents itself, maybe i'll grow some balls.

but i probably won't. it's kind of hilarious, the archives of this thread must be ridiculous and depressing because it's all just me being "OH THERE IS THIS GUY EEE OMG" and then crickets. i'm fully aware of that.

but yeah. risk. fuck balls shit fart cunt. >:(
girltrouble
i agree with all the above that aural said about you mouse, you're just swimming in a sea of stupid if they can't see what a G-E-M you are.
anna k
Aural, that's some great advice you gave Mouse. I have a friend who wrote really complimentary things about me, and I still have it posted in my journal, to look at whenever I'm feeling down. Mouse is definetly a creative, intriguing young woman whose posts I love reading.

I went out on a date Friday night, and wrote a nice email to the guy on Saturday night that I had a good time and would hang out with him again. He was OK, more like someone who I had a friendly chat with about sci-fi movies/TV and our travels, but it had a more platonic feel than being sexually/physically attracted to him. I don't know if he'll respond to me, but it's not like I was wanting him.
culturehandy
*delurks*

I'm with you on the mouse greatness bandwgon.

As for risk...I can get into that completely.

A friend of mind told me that there cannot be great reward without great risk.

I took a risk, it didn't turn out precisely the way I wanted, but it still turned out well and I'm glad I took the jump.

that is all.

*relukrs*
zoya
urgh... risk.

I'm not afraid to take the risk, but I just seem to get my ass burned every time I do..

and yet I still do take risks... except right now. See, I've pretty much always gone out with younger guys, never had an issue meeting them or having them be interested in me. I've gone out with guys anywhere from - shit, 5-15 years younger. Honestly, I don't think age makes a difference, it's the person.

BUT I'm having this total crisis right now. most of the guys (and girls) that are in my circle of friends are anywhere from 8-15 years younger than me. Not a big deal, because we're all in the same line of work and same kind of social scene / lifestyle. It's kinda how it's always been for me, and honestly, it feels like we're all the same age, since we have a ton of shared experience, interests, & work. Well, at least that's how I feel... For some reason, all of a sudden, I'm in this headspace where I'm freaking out that I feel like I'm the same age, but maybe the whole rest of my circle doesn't. That my friends are actually all like "oh yeah she's old." Not like they're just putting up with me, I mean clearly they like me - but that I'm making a fool of myself or something for hanging out with them. And that ties into the guy thing. There's a couple of guys that I kinda have been crushing on, but all of a sudden I'm freaking out on chatting with them, because I wonder if I'm just fooling myself into thinking that they don't care - or that they think I'm younger than I am (which people usually do), or whatever. Like I wonder if I'm making a fool of myself. But at the same time, I have no evidence of this. I wonder if it's in MY mind. I think of women like Kim Catrall, Demi Moore, or Susan Sarandon, who just end up with younger guys, no big deal. And I think of all the classic older women who even really young guys think are hot (ie: catherine deneuve, sophia loren, shit, even Meg Ryan & Michelle Pfeiffer) And not only that, apparently it's kinda cool right now to date an older women who's pretty much secure in where she's at (apparently we're called "cougars" haha) So why am I freaking out? I guess it's just that I don't want to be unknowingly making a fool of myself. but like I said, there's no evidence I am.

aarrrghhhh!!! I'm having a fucking crisis of confidence. And I'll be damned if I'm dating guys my age. I'm just not interested. too much baggage, generally not in shape, and not nearly as on the same wavelength as me in terms of looking at life.

so yea, mouse, I can totally relate in a way to your feeling (as you've mentioned here and in the frustrated singles thread) of people just seeing right through you and being afraid to take the risk. I've always been a risk taker - but I have turned into this secretly neurotic wuss!!
stargazer
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Sep 8 2008, 09:54 PM) *
You're so cute & so endearing, Mouse. Smart, funny, creative, etc. You're IT. I just can't see how a boy can say no unless they are a weenie. You are teh hotness! And I do mean TEH HOTNESS. You're smart, funny, creative, & ALL THAT. LA is a heady palce, but you are teh shit. Your only limitations are your own. You are in a douche saturated place, but I know that your hotness cannot be denied.


i've met you, mouse. we've hungout, drank beer, and listened to belle and sebastion at shay's. i know you are cool. men love confidence. just put your shit out there and wcrush will respond. fer real.

same goes for you zoya.

AP, ooooooooh, popcorn!! I'll take some!
zoya
I know star.... we've totally had this conversation... but I can't seem to shake it. It's honestly making me crazy. I need to shake it. badly.
Pageo
I have decided to not take any risks from now on...I want to just kick back and see who comes along and then really take it really really slowly.

If there's one thing I've learnt in my experience it seems to be that we waste a fuck of a lot of our imaginative and brilliant minds trying to work out what boys are thinking when THAT NEVER SOLVES ANYTHING.

I'm happy with my friends, who I don't NEED to worry about if they like me, etc etc etc. They wouldn't hang with me if they didn't and you know your friends aren't just hanging with you because they want to get something out of you other than just your company.

Friends are safe. Crushes are not safe.

I don't like the rollercoaster I jump on with feelings about boys so I'm not going there anymore, not unless someone who I like and respect really proves to me that they want a relationship with me based on what is important to ME.
mouse
thanks, ladies, for the massive votes of confidence. i'm blushing, i really am. unfortunately, whether or not i'm cool isn't really the issue. i know i'm pretty rad. whether or not HE is interested in ME, that is the issue. it doesn't matter how pretty or how cool or how confident i am...if it's not there, it's not there. i'm afraid it's not. of course, i'll never know for sure unless i try, but i can guess pretty well. anyway, thanks.
funk0039
If there's one thing I've learnt in my experience it seems to be that we waste a fuck of a lot of our imaginative and brilliant minds trying to work out what boys are thinking when THAT NEVER SOLVES ANYTHING.
[/quote]

Uhm, actually most men have EXACTLY the same problem. I for one can never tell if a woman likes me or not. If I talk with one, I might get her phone number but it never seems to work out into a date. Women confuse the hell out of me. Usually men just talk directly between one another. If you honestly like a man, especially if you know the guy in question and have talked with him before, you could:

Wear something that should perk his interest physically but not go overboard, then simply say that you are attracted to him, and would like to know if he has any free time coming up. If he says no, at least you have your answer and so you can cease the torture of not knowing one way or another.
zoya
ok... I went out with a bunch of friends last night, then afterwards, we still felt like staying up so I invited everyone over to my place.... now I taste like an ashtray and there is a boy in my bed. (I woke up, can't get back to sleep so I'm in the living room on the computer) Nothing happened with said boy (other than making out) but um.... he's one of my crush's best friends. I am still way more attracted to my crush - but this guy is really cute, and nice. and not afraid to ask me out on a date. (which he did) so now what I keep thinking is "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," and I think that I'm gonna give it a whirl. ok, done with update. x

auralpoison
Pageo, I can't lie, a lot of the stuff you've dropped in here has distressed me. You have the same gripes as a lot of my girlfriends that are still rocking a certain mindset when it comes to 'ships.

QUOTE(Pageo @ Sep 9 2008, 04:26 PM) *
I have decided to not take any risks from now on...I want to just kick back and see who comes along and then really take it really really slowly.
Nothing risked, nothing gained. Kicking back is one thing, letting opportunity pass is another. So you take it in the teeth every now & again. If it becomes a constant then the issue isn't the men, it's you & your relationship skills & why you're picking punters.

QUOTE
If there's one thing I've learnt in my experience it seems to be that we waste a fuck of a lot of our imaginative and brilliant minds trying to work out what boys are thinking when THAT NEVER SOLVES ANYTHING.
From what I've read so far you seem to be one of those over-thinker gals, looking for a sign in *everything*. His text was weird, he didn't do this or that, etc. As I've said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This is where the just kicking back comes in handy.

QUOTE
I'm happy with my friends, who I don't NEED to worry about if they like me, etc etc etc. They wouldn't hang with me if they didn't and you know your friends aren't just hanging with you because they want to get something out of you other than just your company.
But you've also made it clear that some of these guys you'd like to date & that you want out of the friend zone/an end to what you feel are mixed messages. Being just friends may cut the stress in half, but you're still sleeping alone.

QUOTE
Friends are safe. Crushes are not safe.
Safety isn't always a good thing. If we all lived lives of safety we'd be bored & alone as a motherfucker. I've *learned* from every single lick my heart has taken. Pain is a world class teacher. It has helped me know what I want/do not want in a relationship. I think that is a good thing.

QUOTE
I don't like the rollercoaster I jump on with feelings about boys so I'm not going there anymore, not unless someone who I like and respect really proves to me that they want a relationship with me based on what is important to ME.
You need to look at *why* YOU *choose* to get on the rollercoaster in the first place. *HE* doesn't strap you in for the ride, *YOU* do. YOU get yourself all worked the fuck up. This last guy you talked about was only three dates in & you were agonizing over everything & it wasn't even a *real* relationship yet. It was a handful of dates & some fucking.

That being said, down with love. I'm going to be a cat lady.
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Sep 13 2008, 05:32 AM) *
That being said, down with love. I'm going to be a cat lady.


:::sniffs air::: i thought i smelled my people in here tongue.gif



because i have no idea which thread to post this in, i'm going to hijak for a second and rant 'cos i got no where else to vomit. it's peripherally related, as this particular dude was the object of my crushdom a few months back. this is the Youngin'.

so i'm out with friends last night, and we're at a restaurant, and my phone starts to ring, and i'm like "shit, sorry, let me put it on silent". i look down at the display and have a fucking heart attack when i see the number of the Youngin', someone with whom i haven't spoken to in 5 months after an unceremonius departure of ways. my friends at dinner see my face just drop, and i apologize and tell them i have to listen to the voicemail to see wtf is going on.

the voicemail was all, "oh, our friend got engaged, i know you heard. i heard you're doing well too, i was calling to see how you're doing blah blah blah i'm an assfuck blah blah blah i'd love to hear from you."

i'm underwhelmed. so i put my phone in my purse and have no intentions of calling him back.

throughout the night i get 2 more texts, of the "this song reminds me of you" and "do you want to talk to me" variety. i finally text back and ask him if he's alright, when i know full well he's probably shitfaced. he comes back with "that's a relative term", and frankly now i'm kinda worried. so when i get home i call him, and he is indeed trashed off his ass, at some bar, and feeling sorry for himself. so i tell him repetedly to go home, get some water, go to bed before he gets kicked out. he's all, "i miss hanging out with you, all these girls i know are superficial bitches, but i know you get me". (yeah- i get you. you're a DRUNK. an insanely hot, intelligent, ALCOHOLIC). So he rambles a while, basically hangs up midsentence. i text him and reiterate that he needs to go home, and to text me when he does to let me know he's ok. come 3 am, he calls, i'm half asleep, he's still smashed and rambling about how he misses me, and he's at home, in part b/c the bar kicked him out.

i need to go running and screaming in the other direction.

why. why can't there be a moderately pleasing ever-after?

/rant.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(funk0039 @ Sep 13 2008, 04:48 AM) *
If there's one thing I've learnt in my experience it seems to be that we waste a fuck of a lot of our imaginative and brilliant minds trying to work out what boys are thinking when THAT NEVER SOLVES ANYTHING.
Uhm, actually most men have EXACTLY the same problem. I for one can never tell if a woman likes me or not. If I talk with one, I might get her phone number but it never seems to work out into a date. Women confuse the hell out of me. Usually men just talk directly between one another. If you honestly like a man, especially if you know the guy in question and have talked with him before, you could:

Wear something that should perk his interest physically but not go overboard, then simply say that you are attracted to him, and would like to know if he has any free time coming up. If he says no, at least you have your answer and so you can cease the torture of not knowing one way or another.


Um, I need to chime in on this.

I'm straight up. When I like a guy, I typically tell him. I also make it clear what I want, or what I'm looking for.

This, as I have found, weirds out guys to no end. They think I'm playing some game with them. It's also happened that I'm in a good mood, happy thinking good thoughts, and they ask me what's wrong. Or they say they don't want to do something and I say OK, and then they're all like....are you mad, what's wrong?

I don't get it. I mean what I say, and they always think there's something else behind it.
funk0039
I'm straight up. When I like a guy, I typically tell him. I also make it clear what I want, or what I'm looking for.

This, as I have found, weirds out guys to no end. They think I'm playing some game with them. It's also happened that I'm in a good mood, happy thinking good thoughts, and they ask me what's wrong. Or they say they don't want to do something and I say OK, and then they're all like....are you mad, what's wrong?

I don't get it. I mean what I say, and they always think there's something else behind it.
[/quote]

Huh?! If a woman ever did that to me, I'd be ecstatic! For the most part, us guys really do want to make ladies happy, that is if we care about you. The urge is quite powerful just to make a lady smile. Were I to find a woman who was quite obvious that she liked and desired me, I'd be thrilled! Yes, that doesn't negate the fact that I do want to be physically attracted to her, but I can guarantee you that no matter what she looks like I will DEFINITELY give it some serious thought. Just be sure it's not a "I like you as a friend" sort of statement if you're interested in dating or even sex.
stargazer
cocl, sheesh, i leave you alone for only a month and look at what happens? it's funny when old crushes reoccur and the feelings have changed and/or you see them for the scumbags they are. heh. i say, run and scream the other way.

AP, overthinking in general is the crux of human existence. and when it is applied to crushes....talk about internal mental drama. i'm trying to move away from that way of being.

zoya, CONGRATS! dude, i was so stoked for you when you txted me that situation. awesome.
Pageo
Auralpoison...Thank you for your comments...I don't mind sleeping alone, I honestly don't miss sex at all and have become happy to be my own woman in terms of not needing or missing physical affection. That may seem weird but there you go! I've always been a bit of a loner but now I'm a happy loner because that's what I have chosen to be.

I do always choose the safe option because that's how I like to live my life, I don't drink or do drugs, I don't travel, I lead a very sedate and regular life but I still have brilliant times and love my life and feel that I am living it how I choose which is very powerful I think.

It's not a case of me letting opportunites pass as I don't actually get opportunities, ie, no one has come on to me in the slightest for 2 years. The boys I have liked in that time I have told them and then they have not wanted what I wanted so it's ended up as friendships, in retrospect the pain of what I felt at those times was not worth any sort of possibility of love, so I have ended up with 3 very good, close male friends who do not hurt me, I do not hurt them, it's like the best aspects of going out with someone.

I just have decided that as I AM the sort of person who has high expectations of someone I fancy and always seem to be disappointed in them (which I know is my fault but this is an intrinsic part of me...maybe too romantic, too hopeful) then I just won't put myself there in terms of pushing the boat out every time, but if someone happens along who likes me for exactly who I am and understands what I need and what from a romantic entanglement then I might open myself for them but I won't be putting myself in vulnerable positions again. I don't want a boyfriend, I'm not worried about getting married (I'm 33), I don't miss having a partner...I think I am happy as I am....x

Nothing risked, nothing gained. Kicking back is one thing, letting opportunity pass is another. So you take it in the teeth every now & again. If it becomes a constant then the issue isn't the men, it's you & your relationship skills & why you're picking punters.

From what I've read so far you seem to be one of those over-thinker gals, looking for a sign in *everything*. His text was weird, he didn't do this or that, etc. As I've said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. This is where the just kicking back comes in handy.

But you've also made it clear that some of these guys you'd like to date & that you want out of the friend zone/an end to what you feel are mixed messages. Being just friends may cut the stress in half, but you're still sleeping alone.

Safety isn't always a good thing. If we all lived lives of safety we'd be bored & alone as a motherfucker. I've *learned* from every single lick my heart has taken. Pain is a world class teacher. It has helped me know what I want/do not want in a relationship. I think that is a good thing.

You need to look at *why* YOU *choose* to get on the rollercoaster in the first place. *HE* doesn't strap you in for the ride, *YOU* do. YOU get yourself all worked the fuck up. This last guy you talked about was only three dates in & you were agonizing over everything & it wasn't even a *real* relationship yet. It was a handful of dates & some fucking.

That being said, down with love. I'm going to be a cat lady.
[/quote]
crazyoldcatlady
yeah, well star, the shitty thing is, after i had effectively forgotten about him, now i can't stop thinking about him sad.gif
Pageo
Crazycatlady. I hear you. It's so annoying when you've recovered from someone and then they raise their ugly heads. You totally did the right thing with the phone calls and texts, etc. Have you heard from him since, when he's been sober? If not, he's an idiot. If he has been in contact I would see what he's about but keep that wall up until you are sure...x
crazyoldcatlady
he did text in the AM: roughly, "sorry about last night, i guess i had a few too many... i have a tendency to be dramatic...."

i replied with a, "well, i was seriously worried." he called like 0.2 sec after i sent that one, and we ended up talking for a while. it was nice hearing from him (sober, natch), i'm not gonna lie. but in between pleasantries and laughing and goofing around, we treaded the same old ground: if you can't give it to me, at least give me a better view.

oh wait, sorry, i had an ani difranco moment.

basically, i'm not going to fuck around with being just friends. either you want me, or you don't. and if you do, you gotta step it up and be an active member in the relationship. if not, well, i have enough friends for now. i don't need your half-assery.

(ha, this is kinda segueing into a "write a letter" thread post wink.gif )

mouse
oh, catlady, you so smart. ((catlady)) good luck with this one, but you seem like you got your head screwed on tight.

i just got a call from the dude who i think i mentioned before; a friend from hs who was moving out here. he is finally out here, and we are probably getting together sometime this week to hang out and catch up. this is a dude who i had the HUGEST crush on when i was 14-15--one of the seminal unfulfilled crushes of my lifetime, basically my 9th grade version of wcrush. he was a senior, i was a freshman, he TOTALLY knew i wanted him and flirted mercilessly. he had to kiss me on the cheek in a play we were both in, and i was wearing vanilla lipgloss. at the end of that year, he freaking signed my yearbook "remember the vanilla kisses". seriously, he was SHAMELESS.

granted, it's a decade later and we've both changed quite a lot, and i'm just going into it as friends, but my 14 year old past self can't help but be all flustered. i'm no longer jailbait, lord knows. hahaha.
zoya
**drums fingers on table waiting for indication as to whenever proposed date might be.......**

hmmm hmmmm.......
crazyoldcatlady
ah, mouse. go in guns blazin'! i say go in, flirt shamelessly. he ain't nothin' but bait, lioness
Persiflager
Hello! I finally stopped my lurking ways specifically so that I could post in this thread about the tall, handsome chap that I've been lusting after for months, then felt so happy about having signed up that I was emboldened to make my move and I now have a shiny new boy to play with! Just thought I'd let you know that I think this thread has good luck vibes, and also that I was motivated by crazyoldcatlady's advice to mouse yesterday.
zoya
date happened. just kicking it watching movies. He's nice. really shy but really nice. this will be S...L...O...W, but that's what I need. Time to ascertain who this person is, and are we interested in each other in that way. ...And he keeps plans & promises. I like him.


...and in other news, two letters: SB. UGH.
crazyoldcatlady
niiiiiiice, persiflager. who is this strapping young buck you've snagged?

so zoya, we get details?
zoya
cocl - read the letters thread. I think you can tell which letter(s) is to SB...
Persiflager
Ooh, he's someone I've known as a friend of a friend for a couple of years, though I wasn't single for most of that time. A few months ago he caught my eye and I suddenly thought 'My goodness! You're 6 feet and 4 inches of lanky, geeky gorgeousness!'.

Things seem to have moved quite quickly in the past few days and I don't seem to be a single lady anymore, but that's scary and I enjoy having a crush so am going to keep thinking of him that way for a little while longer. One day soon (o dream of dreams!) I might brave the portions thread....
crazyoldcatlady
oh god. lanky guys. hottt with three "t"s. i suppose i should mosey on over to the odd sex quirks thread, altho i don't think it's that odd.


....and zoya, damn SB! call 'em up, be like, "fuck me, fuck you, then fuck off."
auralpoison
How do I give up boys? HOW?

They're so cute. They're so sweet. They smell good! They're just so much fun! I need to break this addiction. But it's so hard when he's so great. I love my man, but all the drama says, "Why the fuck not?" I want to drink deep from this cup!

How do I find the cure for my own cancer?
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