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mouse
AP....i do not know what to tell you. but from what i've read, you would be remiss to take what you have for granted.

i have hung out twice with high school boy. it is....peculiar. it was not one on one, both times we hung out with my friends. i have the sneaking suspicion that he is a bit of a square, and that as a result he may think i am a big crazy lush on a terrible path to destruction. if this is true, my response is well screw you, i have my shit together, live by myself, enjoy my life and am making decent money at a good job at a company with a relatively high profile, and DID NOT spend the last year and a half living with my parents like you. so PPPPFFFFT.

i still cannot tell if this is just a "hi, you are my friend from way back, let's hang out" or if it is a "hi, you are a girl who CLEARLY used to have a big fat crush on me and i now notice you have grown into a lovely young lady and i need a girl in my life" thing. if he is interested, i will not say no. but i do not yet have enough interest to make it happen myself. we shall see.
auralpoison
I'm not about to do anything stupid . . . but cod, I WANT to. He's just so yummy. He's my dirty little secret & he's okay with it. We've not done anything. I haven't even kissed him. BUT he gets me in a way that HB doesn't. He understands why I cry sometimes. There is no pretense. When I bawl, he just wants to hold me. He has no expectations. He accepts me as the UGLY, HEINOUS, CYNICAL BEAST that I am.

It doesn't bother me at all that I will one day lick his bones clean. Delicious!
mouse
holy jeeze this guy is facebook flirting with me. this is RIDICULOUS. and SUPERBLY NERDY. i have yet to hang out with him one-on-one so we shall see if the flirtiness is more overt in person.
futura
Ok. So. I made out with a guy this weekend. I met him a week ago and i already felt like he was very interested in me. He's real sweet and all, but now he's all like; i want to get to know you and stuff. That's not what i'm going for right now.
I don't know if i stated this here, but i had another screenname before i broke up with my ex some months ago. We're good friends now, super close without the whole relationship thing dragging us down like it did. We were together for quite some time, so you can understand i like my space right now.
I don't know what i was thinking, but a little intimacy with a guy is nice now and then, you know? Especially when there's good conversation. I'm a sucker for conversation.

There have been two other guys, one with who i will probably meet (hook?) up with again, and one i'll probably run into soon. The last one makes me question my own brain. I get very confused, i really like him and there's this chemistry between us that can't be denied. But we're also friends. I dunno, i didn't know i would be hard to juggle those two things.

Anyway, i already feel bad for the guy i made out with. I'm probably going to hell anyways.

Mouse, that sounds real good! When are you going to meet up?
Persiflager
Yay for futura getting make-outs! Mouse, are you going to meet up with him? I bet he thinks you're much cooler than him and is scared you'll be unimpressed by his nerdiness.
zoya
futura - yay for makeouts!

mouse - I'll bet anything the shoe is on the other foot now, he's intimidated by you! and you know, intimidation breeds pursuit.....

AP - I know your frustration. When someone gets you but is just no damn good for you in the big picture.


well, SB seems to have this goddamn homing device for knowing when I'm completely free of thoughts of him, and he can eat a bag of dicks as far as I'm concerned. Of course, I'm still a sucker for him, but all I can think of is "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results" ... and I know I'm not gonna get any different results - I've been thru that wringer too many times. So I'm a stayin clear. It's infuriating that his actions just drive the point home more that everything (friendship, etc) has to be on his terms, at his time. fuck that shit. over it.


..and then there's R. oh god, I want to get into his pants. christ. I drew a line though. I told him that I don't do fuck buddies, and I am not into wasting my time if there is no interest in things potentially going further with us. To that end, I stopped things when they got hot and heavy a few days ago (see weird sexual turn on thread) But he still asked me out for a drink the next day, which turned into us going back to his place and him making me dinner and watching a movie. when it started getting late, we kissed goodbye and I went home. I don't really know where he's at - I haven't heard from him since, but he did say he wanted to make me dinner again, so that's promising.... I like him. The more we talk and I see his depth, the more I like him. and OH GOD I want to get into his pants. Oh, the things I'd do to him...... Shit. I've not ever done this, I've always had sex with someone by this point, so it's really frustrating. But it just seems like the right thing for me to do, so I'm following my gut. I like spending time with him and discovering more about him - I feel like I get to see a bit more below the tip of the iceberg each time and it's really cool. I just wish I could spend more time with him. it's nice. and comfortable.
futura
Zoya's right about intimidation=spiking interest and i bet this is the case with Mouse. Go for it!

Keep us posted Zoya!

The other 2 guys i mentioned, i slept with them. and the confusion-one has the whole fear of commitment going on. A lot of mixed messages. I don't care about the commitment, i'm not looking for that. I don't know what i'm looking for in this case. It's like friend mode/sex mode/ friend mode again. We don't talk about the sex, nothing mentioned afterwards.

Weirdness. To say the least.

But jebus he's hott.
zoya
....I think he's not into it. I dunno why, I just do. seems like he'd be texting me by now if so.. it HAS only been two days since we hung out, but I just think he's not. maybe it's me and my issues making me think that.. crap. I don't know. At least I'm busy and have a pretty damn full life at the moment...
Pageo
Why oh why do I put myself into these situations? Have hung out a couple times with that guy who dumped me after I said I would like us to be friends, definite chemistry a couple of times, he came over for dinner and a dvd tonight and held my hand for ages at the start and loads of eye contact but then it's like he can't really be bothered to talk to me or doesn't like me or think I'm interesting or something, our chat is quite formal...I sort of hoped we could have a cheeky snog at the end but it was just a hug. It's so weird and I would like, just for one second, to see inside his head and see what he thinks of me. Probably it's best if we don't see each other again but he's the only man in 2 years who has shown me ANY sort of physical attraction and it's really hard to let him go from my life, although I only see him about a couple of times a month because I just want someone to fancy me...I don't know if he is physically attracted to me although he did say he was when we split up, I just don't know what to do, I feel shitty. I just want someone to think I'm sexy sad.gif sad.gif sad.gif
mouse
((zoya)) i dunno....he SOUNDS interested? maybe he's playing it slow like you are? i wouldn't give up yet, from the sound of things.

and just to clear up any confusion, i have hung out with this guy, just not just the two of us. actually, i've known him for over a decade, we just weren't really in touch most of that time. i am intrigued but at this point still ambivalent. i am sure there will be some time soon when we hang out without my friends around too. i am still curious to see whether this is an "old friend" thing or a "new girl" thing. i will be fine with either outcome, at this point. it's just peculiar and i am interested to see what happens, given my history of having a big fat crush on him (which interestingly has not really re-reared its head yet...which isn't to say that it won't. it just hasn't YET).
sybarite
*delurks*

Zoya, I'm with mouse. It's early days and I'd factor in cultural difference (which struck me when living there) alongside the usual 'boy time' nonsense. Everything you've posted about this guy sounds positive thus far so maybe give it a while yet. Slow is good!

Mouse, intrigued can be a good place to be smile.gif
zoya
I know.... I just feel like I might have said that stuff about not wanting to do fuck buddies, and not seeing any point in wasting my time if there was no interest in potentially going further (and I said it JUST LIKE THAT) too early in the game?? The night we first hung out (see post below on I think sept 12 or so) was only a week prior to me telling him this. Of course, in the course of that week, he crashed over twice, came to my house for dinner and a movie, and met up with me at a party where loads of friends were and definitely hung out with me at the party.... Also I found out he told one of my friends when asked during that week, that he liked me, but we were just getting to know each other and if we took it a step further, cool, if not then we'd be good friends. (but "a step further" with guys could mean just sex, not 'further' like it is to us girls....) All of this, and the fact that he did ask me to hang out the next day after I'd said that stuff to him shows no bad indications... but I just think maybe he's had time to mull it over. He's a total thinker. Anyway, texted for a minute with him today, long enough to find out he's just decided to go out of town tomorrow for a few days to hang out with friends. I'll see him on Monday at a social thing we're both going to, so there was just 'see you monday' and that was it.

yes yes, I know slow is good... slow is fine. I'm just worried that I said too much too soon and might have freaked him out - causing not slow, but stop. Really I just meant to say I don't just wanna be fuck buddies - I guess after SB I'm so all about the "I'm always going to be on the same page with someone that I like from here on out" that I might have gone a bit overboard in the being non-ambiguous direction...

god, I fucking feel like I'm 15.


oh, and PS - sybarite - what do you mean about cultural difference? I'm not sure what you found, but I swear, despite the fact that the women in the US think the men here are all randy and he-man, I find them actually to be really reserved when it comes to women. It's unnerving.
girltrouble
i think you just need to hang out with him again. see him on monday and make a date for later in the week, or even the next day. it sounds like he really likes you, after all, if he's telling friends, then that says something in and of itself. so don't second guess it, don't over think it, just go with what you know: he likes you enough to say so. (and even you say that the guys over there are reserved, so this is even more good news, right?)

so:hang out with him, flirt with him, and i have a feeling you guys will be heating things up, even if the "fuck buddies" thing was a misstep. that's sooooo repairable. trust me. if he asks you about the fuck buddy thing, just say, you've decided to play it by ear. i have a feeling, he knows you're something else. if you like his depth, i think he's digging on yours. ich, i think you both see something there. just trust that energy you guys have when you're together. it'll work out.

i'm still rootin' for you, z.
zoya
thanks, GT... well, I know he most likely won't ask me about the fuck buddy thing... he's pretty shy when it comes down to it and I can't imagine us chatting about that unless we were one on one and I brought it up... we'll see how it is on Monday - not sure if I'll have any chance to ask him out, the thing is actually out of town and there are going to be loads of our group of friends there (and I think also his out of town friends he's hanging out with will be there) - but I'll keep that in the back of my head. As far as him telling friends, it's crazy, we run in the same circle of friends (which is one major reason I'd said I wanted to take it slow and get to know each other better in the first place) and the boys aren't reserved with each other, they're worse than girls about how much they talk about these things with each other!! hah!

Honestly, I do think that the only reason he'd let me slide away would be that he's not into pursing a relationship AT ALL in his life right now.. But it would be cool if he'd take the chance to check it out further.... and yes, I'll trust that energy. it's not the whole harcore CHEMISTRY thing I'm used to with guys, but it's actually very nice. It's just mellow and kinda shy / baby steps / comfortable kind of energy. Which I'm finding is nicer than some big atomic BOOM (like with SB, and all that did was cause an implosion..)

...sometimes I wonder how much of this is my issues coming to the top.... at least they're surfacing when he (or any other guy for that matter) is not around!!!

and now that I've over thought it again, Ill stop. smile.gif
sybarite
What I meant about cultural difference is exactly what you describe--despite their hard-drinking decadent ways (ok, the guys I met), all the local dudes were surprisingly reserved and even shy about both 'dating' (foreign-ish to them, at least back then) and talking about sex. They actually remind me of Irish men, who are even shyer on this stuff, despite the banter.

I agree with GT--that he told his friends is a great sign. I would totally hang in there, and it sounds like you've talked yourself back into the same conclusion. wink.gif Keep us posted!
zoya
sybarite - exactly! It's really surprising, and like I said, unnerving. It seems like the banter that American guys have serves to embolden them more, the banter that the guys here have serves to hide their shyness. So what's a girl to do in the wake of cultural differences? Do I sit back and let him come to me if that's what he's into? Or will I be sitting forever? Or better to make the first move? (argh!)
sybarite
I would be encouraging, but yeah, give him some space to come (back) to you. Dinner and a DVD this early on is also a good sign I think: it's deliberate you-and-him time instead of the traditional mass social gathering thing, which bodes well.

An example of one of my dating experiences with one of your cityfolk (who also happened to be into music btw) which may help:

R told his friends he liked me, so they set us up together, meaning I went into his record store and we hummed and hawed at each other until we fixed a date and time. The date consisted of us telling each other our life stories and getting rat-arsed down the pub, until he belatedly invited me back to his for 'dinner'. As it was about midnight at this stage, it was a tad bit late, but I was touched when I saw he had prepared veggie and non-veggie chili (as he wasn't sure if I was a vegetarian or not) as well as all the accroutements.

So on the one hand, a 'date'= night of drinking followed by a ridiculously late dinner; on the other, someone fairly unfamiliar with 'dating' who was nevertheless happy to cook for me on our first date. All his friends told me afterward what a huge effort he'd made, so I kept my bemusement about the midnight hour of dinner to myself.

Does that help at all...?
zoya
haha, yes it does.... and oh, you saying about how his friends set you up reminds me about the extended circle of friends thing... R actually kinda took the initiative himself to ask me out (in a very roundabout but I thought shy/charming way) but then after people found out we'd hung out (I was getting texts the next morning asking how it was going...) a couple of the circle of friends we're both in asked him about it, and that's how it got back to me about what he'd said. Can you relate to THAT? Good lord but these people love their gossip!!! And you can be sure the whole city will know within 24 hours.. ha!

I do get it, I definitely relate to what you're saying - I do think it is a good sign that he wants to hang out one on one - then again, he's that kind of guy. He likes alone time, not just huge groups - so I think it comes a little more naturally to him.

I guess my confusion is ok, after they've done something that kinda shows promise, what do you do next? keep being encouraging? or is it time to now let THEM do the work? I figured the same as you said - be encouraging, but give him space. It is strange - an American guy, knowing he's got the in, would take the ball and run with it (or not) at this point, in a fairly clear cut way. I just don't know how these guys work. I don't get the impression it's the same way.

Who'da thunk that a culture so similar to the US could be so very different?!! It's kinda cool, though, in an anthropological sort of way... maybe.. smile.gif
Pageo
Zoya, what city do you live in, just out of interest?x
auralpoison
I *think* she's based in Glasgow right now.
stargazer
well, my community center seems to be a hot bed for potential crushes. men of the blue collar types. manly men. work with their hands. omg. such a turn on.

one day, i was there with like 3 hotties. bald, built, daddy types. awesome. i was trying hard to not stare. there is this one guy, he is definitely older than me and i like older men, who is in great shape, and pretty hunky. we chatted briefly only to talk about sports (of course).

one thing i've noticed about myself...when i'm attracted to someone and i don't know what to say...i act indifferent. damn. i hope to see workoutcrush more.

what a great motivation to get me in shape...
geekchickknits
Although dancerboy and I are just friends now (mutual choice) the attraction to each other is definitely still there. I've been travelling a lot for work lately, and last week when I was home for a day or two he called me and asked to come over. We hung out and it was fun.

As I was returning home after my last travels, on the day I was due to return, he sent me both an email and a message asking when I was going to be home and could he come over tonight and hang out?

My response was "aw, what's that? You miss me and you can't wait to see me? You so sweet."

His reply "OK, you got me, I missed you a leetle bit....."

Yeah buddy, that's right. tongue.gif I'm so glad I called him on it! laugh.gif
Pageo
high five geekchickknits! flirting with friends when there's chemistry is brilliant and devoid of hurt...x
mouse
i have sadly discovered, after hanging out with them both at the same time, that highschool-potential-current-crush doesn't even hold a candle to wcrush. sigh.
auralpoison
Despite me loving the HB, I'm not really feeling it anymore. I think we've outgrown each other. I'm tired of the fighting. It's become a constant.

I'm REALLY liking the more my age boy. He gets my JayZ refs & is smoking hot. Like seven shades of smoking hot. My draws is scorched hawt. Purdy, purdy, purdy & he's a top.
stargazer
(((AP))) aw. sorry to hear about things between you and HB. sad.gif
auralpoison
I love him. I'm just tired of fighting with him. If we could only get on an even keel again things would be fine.
zoya
((( AP )))

I promise I will write more about R soon... just super busy. I'm having a cringeworthy moment, though. I just remembered that after being at a party with him this weekend, when he drunkenly asked me what I wanted, I drunkenly told him "I want someone who can keep up with my brain, and be my best friend." While true, I still am cringing a little.. the brain thing sounds like I'm some intellectual snob! I also remember telling him I wanted him to tell me what to do - that I was sick of always being in charge of things for work, etc. I didn't quite mean it the way I think it came out....

not quite sure what is up with him (other than the fact I finally crossed the threshold into having sex with him -see portions thread) I'll write more later about the dynamic of that whole situation.. gotta get back to the piles of work I need to attend to today.


ETA: fucking SB has some goddamn radar. I tell you. He emailed me out of the blue yesterday asking how things were, saying he'd be in town this morning, and did I want to get a coffee. HUH? I said yes, there's no reason not to have a simple coffee, and with the circles we run in being pretty much the same, I figure it's best to keep things on a friendly - but not intimately friendly - tip. Less potential drama that way. Just keeping my side of the street clean. I'm sure he's got to know about R. It will be interesting to see if he brings it up. No reason for me to. I don't owe him anything.
zoya
OK, it's early in the day and I figure I'll write an update before I jump into my work.... Had coffee with SB, we just talked about work, and surprisingly, relationships.. not as they pertain to he and I, but just relationships in general. He said something at one point about not believing me if I said I'd not had any dates since moving here, and I just kinda glossed over that... I just don't feel comfortable talking about that stuff to him. Generalities, fine - specifics, no. I'm not hiding anything, it's just that I feel uncomfortable getting too personal with him. I'm not going down that slippery slope. I'm not ready to be a close friend with him. I'm not sure I ever will be. and that's fine.

So.. in the world of R... will catch you all up with things..... when he was out of town, he texted me once to tell me he had made it to where he was going and that it was a crazy trip there (I think it was semi-drunken text, but still) Then a couple days later, I shot a quick text off to him just saying something really short about the thing he, a bunch of our friends, and I were going to the next day. He responded that he was out with friends just then but would see me the next day. Then he texted a few hours later to say he couldn't keep up with his friends' partying, that he was in and that he'd text me the next day. Next day I didn't hear from him until like an hour before we were all supposed to be at this thing we were going to - he texted asking if I was there, (I wasn't yet) so when I got there I texted him, he told me where he was, and when I got to him, I got the hugest hug from him. He's really shy, so that was a good thing. I got the sense (and so did my friend who was with me, who'd never met him) that he was really happy to see me. Like REALLY happy to see me. So being a social function, we hung out a little together, but also did a lot of circulating, so I just saw him here and here. Afterwards, though, I ended up going with he and his friends to the place he was staying and having drinks. (I should add that one of his friends is his ex from a long time ago - they're good friends now, but I do know that he was completely in love with her back then. He did nothing to hide the fact that we were hanging out together etc. So I thought that boded very well) Anyway, the place we were was around the corner from where I was staying, so when I was getting tired, I asked him to walk me home. We had the hugest make out on the door step- like seriously practically taking each other down. at one point I said to him "it's nice to see you" and he said "yeah, it's cool" (which is very good in R speak.) I just got this sense that he was happy to see me and I know I certainly was way more happy to see him than I could have predicted I'd be. Next day he texted me to see how I was doing, and told me that he was just going to stay in until he had to leave to get home. (I was out running errands and thought maybe we could meet up before we both took off for home) fair enough. He texted me on and off most of the afternoon, just letting me know that he got out of town ok, that he was home, etc.

This was this past Tues. I didn't hear from him Wed, which is kinda par for the course. I seem to hear from him every couple of days or so. There was a band he was going to see on Thursday that I'd been thinking about going to see also. Turns out I was gonna be in the neighborhood where the show was at, for work, so I decided to go, and texted him asking if he was still going. He said yes, that he'd be down there around 8 pm. I told him I'd be down there a bit earlier, since I was gonna be there doing some work stuff, and would see him later. Things ran over, so I got there late, and when I arrived I saw that he'd texted me asking where I was at. I saw him right when I walked in, had a big hug with him and watched the show with he and his friends. afterwards, they were going for a drink and I went with them. Had a nice hang out, chatting with he and his friends, and afterwards he and I walked back to his place, ate ice cream and just generally chilled. He asked if I wanted to stay over and I said yes - we (well I) started talking about the sex thing.... I told him that by no means did I want a fuck buddy - he said that in no way would having sex with me be just a fuck. but that he knew I wanted a committment. I was like "well I'm not asking you to marry me, I just want to know that there is some interest in pursuing something, should it go that way" he said he wanted to just keep things casual. I asked him what casual means to him (if there is anything SB taught me, it's to clarify things and make sure you're on the same page) he said that what casual meant to him was that we're not all of a sudden boyfriend/girlfriend, that I didn't have to think he was sleeping with anyone else or seeing anyone else, but that he wanted to just keep getting to know each other and see where it goes. I told him that that didn't sound casual to me - that to me, casual is that you just have sex once in awhile, like you go out, you meet up at the bar and then have sex, and that's all there is to it. He also made it clear to me that he's not a player. (as in, he said "I'm not a player in any kind of way" - which actually my friends have backed up, pretty universally everyone has told me he's a straight shooter, and not a player) and then I jumped him. hahahaha. I don't know if I jumped the gun, but him at least saying he really does want to get to know me better and see where it goes, was good enough for me in that moment, anyway. Besides, my horniness for him was getting so bad I was having sex dreams about him. I couldn't take it any more! There is one thing I need to clarify with him, which is him saying that I didn't have to think he was sleeping with anyone else or seeing anyone else. I'm pretty sure that's what he said. But I've been kinda wondering, pretty much ever since, if I heard him right or if I misunderstood him, due to his accent. becuase when he said that, he kinda said it in that shy kind of way, which is always a bit mumbly, and coupled with his accent... I just wanna make sure I heard right, and didn't just hear what I wanted to hear, ya know?

anyway, so that was thursday, on Friday I didn't hear from him. Saturday I was working all day and into the night. I knew he was going to a birthday party in my neighborhood on Sat, but he'd not asked me to come with him (and he didn't know I had to work) So I was kind of like "WTF?!" But I just figure, I need to sit back and see how he handles things, and I can make my decisions from there, so I didn't do anything. (besides, I was busy) However, about 10pm, I got a text from him asking what I was doing and did I want to come round to where he was at. It felt good to tell him I was working, and had to be there for awhile longer, but I'd be into coming after. So two hours later, I called him and asked him to meet me and walk me there, which he did.. had a really fun time at the party, a couple of my other friends were there, plus I met a couple of really cool girls, and a couple of his friends I'd not met. It was pretty obvious I was there with him - not so much we were hanging out together the whole time, as I think body language - and he didn't do anything to pretend otherwise, in front of our mutual friends, or his friends that were new to me. So that seemed to bode well. He was completely in the party zone and way into staying there until the bitter end. but as it got really late (early?) it started winding down and he and I left and walked to my place. We had some drunken chat that was pretty damn funny, tried to have sex, which featured me attempting to put a condom on him inside out, him not being able to get it up well with the second one on, and us just laughing and giving up to pass out. ha! Next day we woke up and messed around a bit, but I had to be at a work thing for 1 hour at noon. I mentioned something about us meeting back up after I was done, and he said that he'd told a couple people at the party that he'd do some stuff with them that day.. fair enough. My work thing was near his house, so we shared a taxi there, he kissed me goodbye, said he'd talk to me later and that was that. I texted him a few hours later, asking how he was feeling (he'd been feeling really ill with a terrible headache and he never gets headaches) he said it was getting better, asked how I was. I texted back telling him I was feeling pretty tired, and that was it. Didn't hear back from him. Haven't heard back from him yet.

I'm not sure what to make of all this. I honestly don't get the impression that he's doing the "we had sex now I'm gonna back off" thing. I'm not feeling that in my gut. What I kinda feel in my gut is that he likes me, but is kinda doing the pulling away then bouncing back thing. He seems to bounce back most times in the form of texting me to see how I am - this past saturday was a new one, even though it was late in the game, he did straight up ask me if I wanted to meet up with him. For him, I think that's definitely a step. (so do my friends who've known him forever) He's copped many times to being interested in me, and he knows hanging out, etc is only acceptable to me if there is some interest in it potentially going further. I feel like in some ways he's exercising his independence and kinda 'testing' me to see if I'm gonna start demanding things of him, or chasing him (neither of which I'm gonna do) In short, I fell he's being a guy who is gingerly stepping around things, etc. He's very shy and reserved, and it took him seriously nearly two months to ask me out, and even then he was beating around the bush so much, I kinda had to help him say it!

I do wonder how long I let this go on, though. I'm just doing my thing - I'm not waiting around for him, by any means. For example, I have the option of doing some work tonight about an hour out of town, and I'm going to take it. If he was to text me and ask what I'm up to, I'll just tell him I'm busy. (He should hit me up in advance, anyway.) There is a niggling little part of my brain that wonders if he's kinda having his cake and eating it too, I don't think so at this point... I could see how it could go there if I make myself too available, though. I'm not exactly sure what to do, I'm not sure if there is anything TO do.... I wonder if he's just someone who goes really SLOW (as opposed to me, who's M.O. has always been jumping into things full on, WAY too fast) and that's just how it goes. I honestly don't mind if we only see each other once or twice a week, I just wish there was more consistency with a bit of contact - be it text or call - but I don't know how to say that without it seeming like I'm jumping the gun on things. Maybe it's just one of those things that rather than try to make happen at this point, I need to be sitting back looking at, asking myself if this is acceptable to me, and if I can handle it, or not.

so anyway, sorry for the novel - I just kinda wanted to let you guys know what's been going on, and what's going on in my head - maybe some of you have some insight from an outsider's P.O.V. ???
sageykins
z- i'm not sure i have any different point of view on this- it sounds exactly as you're seeing it to me. and if you have gut feelings that are usually 'on', i'd go with it and trust that gut feeling and say that he is doing a little... bouncing as you said, but moving slowly into things. i think he sounds very interested and like a good guy and worth waiting while he 'eases into' things.
relationships... ugh.
i have an interview tomorrow for a job i want in a health care system i SO want to be in. and its in the same town where the guy i'm all into lives. he's so so busy and all, but still... have texted and he usually doesn't get back to me for a day, but um. want to see him (same guy as mentioned in the going down thread, so want to see him!!) but space thing...

this ties in i promise.

i think guys commitment-phob or whatever, they just really see things differently and ease their way into things, gauging reactions of us and their friends and mutual friends and themselves. seeing how things feel before being willing to 'commit' even though you (nor i) are at that stage. its a weird thing i keep finding and i don't get it really but it seems to happen.

anyway, good luck! hope he comes around and gets himself into communicating better!
likeanyother
Um, zoya, is he by chance a sagittarius? Or, wait, maybe he’s just a dude. No, I shouldn't say that, but, I will say that I’ve dealt with a totally similar situation with my boyfriend. And, though I put up with that hot/cold shit for a waaay too long, he did eventually, mostly, come around and we’ve been together for like 2 years now. But, with that said, there was – no, not just one – but a SERIES of breaking points wherein I was like “WTF is going on??? If you like me, why the eff don’t you call me etc etc.” And honestly, I never really felt like I got an explanation that fully satisfies, just the usual bs of him being “unsure, feeling smothered, afraid of relationships, blah…” I’m sure those are all true to an extent, and your dude’s actions/lack of actions also probably reflect a panorama of the typical reasons for keeping a distance. Including the fact that he may be a busy dude, being pulled in a lot of a directions a lot of the time. Also including the fact that that might just be his relationship style, some people just move s l o w in the beginning, which can be super puzzling for those who don’t. But, if you know that you guys like each other and have a really good time when you’re together, it’s probably totally worth letting shit take its course, even if that course seems damn slow to you.

Anyway, um, hope that ramble helps a little….
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE
I was like "well I'm not asking you to marry me, I just want to know that there is some interest in pursuing something, should it go that way" he said he wanted to just keep things casual. I asked him what casual means to him (if there is anything SB taught me, it's to clarify things and make sure you're on the same page) he said that what casual meant to him was that we're not all of a sudden boyfriend/girlfriend, that I didn't have to think he was sleeping with anyone else or seeing anyone else, but that he wanted to just keep getting to know each other and see where it goes.


ah, so many points to touch on zoya. it seems to be a nice little theme that bustcrushies keep running up against. like likeanyother said, "if you like me, why the eff don't you call me". we don't wanna be wifey, but if you're interested, at least give us the same courtesy you'd give your friends.

i actually asked my dad about a situation like this; i never go to him for guy advice, usually just professional and finance, etc., but he's always been very astute and pithy. in my situation, as somewhat detailed below, i've got a Youngin' who keeps stringing me along, dropping texts and calls the nanosecond he knows he's slipped from my conscious mind (yes, it hasn't stopped) but refusing to step up to the plate when called out. so i asked my dad, and he said: "he's indecisive. he doesn't know what he wants." and, as a subtext, move the fuck on, 'cos you don't have to wait around for his emotional immaturity to, well, mature.

but sigh, nonetheless.

SO, two recent developments:

1. I am a cad. Reminiscient of culturehandy's recent proposition in the "no good aweful choices" thread--i am on the otherside of the crushing. a close male friend from back home, with whom i've kept in touch, has made it known to my bff that he has been truly madly deeply crushing on me for years. i have no interest, had an inkling this might be the case for a while now, and yet have probably been (in?)advertently stoking these fires. i felt HORRIBLE when i thought about recent interactions, and how my behaviour was full on misleading/sending mixed messages. i still feel horrible, actually, because a.) i should know better, having been on the receiving end of being unrequited; b.)he's a nice enough guy; c.) i can never have a platonic male friend, and in fact, after taking careful historic inventory, probably have never had one.

2. I have a date (?) with my new neighbour tomorrow. He moved in not too long ago, and our first interaction was completely awkward and i felt like a tool for days afterward. But he came around tonight, and asked about dinner. He's cute. I said yes. But, for now, I'm going to view this as a getting-to-know-new-people outing, keep it platonic (HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA), as it's tricky seeing someone who lives in close by, bc it can get weird.

p.s. i love spelling words the british way!
pps. i am totally neurotic.

((crushies))
stargazer
zoya, the balance of doing your own thing while not making yourself too available is so tough. it feels like such a game to me. then again, i'm single. i have such a fantasy life in my head. i seriously think that if 2 people are into each other than you should just want to spend time together. it is that simple. i've seen it happen with most of my friends. *sigh*

don't have a clue why it hasn't happened like that for me yet.... blink.gif

cocl,oh yay for a date! you will have to let us know how it goes.
zoya
ok, less of a novel this time....

cocl - I agree, it's not that he's any kind of jerk, it's just that, like you said, his emotional maturity hasn't matured yet, and that just takes time. Even with good guys. I also think that he is, by nature, or being a dude, or being a virgo, or whatever, just SLOW about stuff. It's not just with me, from talking about things in general with him, I think he's really really cautious about stuff, and keeps a lot inside until such time as he's comfortable enough (or whatever) to show you more of himself, or to leap into something. And I don't think that's anything to do with maturity, I have a feeling that's just how he is. Not that that's an excuse, I'm just learning that giving him a long leash and sitting back and seeing how it goes for awhile is probably best here than blowing him off because he's not on my time schedule (and my time schedule has in the past with things like this, been -IMO- way too accelerated)

anyhoo... we'll see. He called me up FINALLY on Thursday, and asked if I'd like to do something Saturday night. I was working until really late (like 11 pm) so we were supposed to meet up with some friends at a bar, but instead ended up just chillin at his house, drinking wine, and talking. Plus he showed me a bunch of art he'd made. R is a seriously talented guy. His art is amazing. He's one of those people who are just so creative, and has several outlets, all of which he's really fucking good at.

**see portions thread for next part** biggrin.gif

so yesterday we got up and I was having a bunch of friends over for dinner so had to run some errands.. and he said "I could take you on the motorcycle to do that" WOOOO!!!! So I got to go on a motorcycle ride / run errands. Then after dropping me off so I could get started with the cooking and he could get some of his stuff done, he came over a couple hours later and helped me cook. He didn't stay over after dinner, cause he had some late night plans with some buddies (ie: beer/poker/smoking/dude stuff) which was fine, he'd told me Saturday night he was playing poker last night, so it wasn't like he bailed on me.

anyway, we'll see. I do think in my gut that it's partially that he's just kinda checking things out, part of it is genuinely not knowing what he wants (ie: the emotional maturity thing) and part of it is him gauging me as much as I'm gauging him. So for now, I'm just focusing on my work, life, etc. and seeing where it goes. I don't know how long I'll give it, but I'm sure I'll know either way.

(and of course I'll be here, updating / venting! smile.gif )


How was the date, cocl???
crazyoldcatlady
*smacks self in head* zoya, i thought you were talking about my Youngin' when you said "he is, by nature, a virgo..." etc, b/c the Youngin' IS a virgo! i'm sittin' here thinkin' you're psychic wink.gif but i guess that explains things on my end, too. but a huge SIGH-- i am physically restraining myself from texting him, bc i know i shouldn't keep feeding this stalemate, and that i had come so. close. to forgetting about him til the infamous drunk call. god i want to see him. not cool. *smacks self in head again, for a different reason*.

but yay zoya, for portions, and for patience! the art thing is a bit of a turn-on, no?


and as for the date with Neighbor: well, he's interesting, and has this wry, sly sense of humor. i was hepped up on coffee, and talked a lot, but he was easy to talk to as well. but i'm not feelin' it. there's no romantic chemistry. nada twitch in my girlie bits. i think i'm too good at being flirty platonic friend and shitty at committed romantic interest. yay defense mechanisms!

QUOTE
i seriously think that if 2 people are into each other than you should just want to spend time together. it is that simple. i've seen it happen with most of my friends. *sigh*


and star, that's the million dollar question. someone please tell me when they figure it out.
zoya
haha on the virgo tip... heh.

see, for me, we're definitely on a 'we're getting to know each other and seeing where it goes' tip. We've discussed it. So there is no ambiguity as to whether we're 'just friends' or 'bf/gf.' we're neither. We're doing stuff, and seeing where it goes, with a definite interest in each other. so in that respect, there's none of those weird games. We're most definitely into each other and taking it slow. My issue is not with how slow, it's just that I can't deal with little to NO contact in between times we hang out. I think we should at least touch base every other day or so, if not every day (although every day may be a bit one extreme to the other at this point) and I don't want to be the one taking the lead with that. So at the moment, I'm sitting back and checking it out, even though it makes me a bit crazy.. at some point soon - assuming it's not just that he's not interested at all - I will have to say something. I don't want it to start to get too comfortable for him, where he can just fall into the rut of calling me once a week or so and that's it. If you want to get to know me, you gotta do a bit of work! (I'm worth it, though.... smile.gif )

yea, that spending time together thing.... urgh. when I've mentioned my above thoughts to some of my friends, ALL of them have said "oh yeah, I hate early days of stuff. So glad when we got beyond that. I'd never want to go back to that place" I know it's meant to make me feel better, but UGH!!!!
sybarite
Ha... that's what I was sidling in to say zoya! Well, not really...

When the (long-term) mister and I got together, he professed all sorts of feelings for me, so I was secure in how he felt about me. That being said, he would go three days or so without getting in touch, even when it clear we were becoming boyfriend/girlfriend (we were quasi-long distance at that stage, as well). At the risk of making excuses, some dudes are just not big on the daily communication. Seven + years later, if either of us are travelling alone we still don't always contact each other every day.

I appreciate regular communication is both fun and reassuring, but if he's showing interest/keping in touch regularly (even by his lights) in other ways I wouldn't worry too much.

COCL, methinks the young'un is acting besotted but maybe doesn't know what to do with his feelings... still confusing/distracting though! I agree: don't text!

Neighbour guy on the other hand sounds like a grower....?
geekchickknits
Went on a date last night with a guy I used to know YEARS ago. I rejoined lava, and before my picture was up, he was the first one to contact me....crazy! We had some drinks and shot the shit. I'm glad we hung out and will do so again, but I'm not sure if I'm into him as anything more than friends.

I also have gone on a date with a guy my best friend works with and am going on a second one (we were supposed to go on Friday, but I got a called from a friend who was in a really bad way and needed someone to talk to) and he's a nice, cute guy, but I don't think there are any sparks there for me.

I think it's because I'm still crushing so hard on dancerboy. We mutually decided to stop having a sexual relationship and are just friends (and are actually being friends, not saying we are going to be and then never talking to each other again) but it's weird. He's been way more attentive, calls and texts me more often than he did when we were boning, admitted to missing me when I was on the road (when he was away for a month while were were doin' it, I barely heard from him) and the last time I saw him, after I told him how happy I was about the news that I'm going to be an auntie again, he went on and on about how I want to be a mom, and how I'm going to be a great mother, and at the end of the night brought it up again, saying that in many ways, I already am one. WTF?!?!?!? I don't get it! Is he just more available to his friends than his lovers? Does he miss being sexual with me? Is he realizing that I would make an amazing life partner, and wants to rekindle but doesn't know how to bring it up?

Sheesh.

Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Generally, guys seem to be much simpler than women. Maybe the reality is that he values my friendship, misses hanging out with me when I'm not around, and thinks that when I have kids, I'm going to be a good parent. Just because he thinks I'd be a good mother to my kids doesn't mean he wants to be the father of them! laugh.gif And none of what I've just said is a bad thing, right? Looks like I gotta just keep on keepin' on.

I still want to jump his bones though......yowza! He's a beautiful man.

Anyway, thanks for listening while I work it all out... wink.gif
crazyoldcatlady
[edit]
Persiflager
(((crazyoldcatlady)))
straydog97
So this is my first post since I just joined!
I am a 20 year old college student in need of advice!!!

My best guy friend since 8th grade name is Tim.
Tim and I liked each other back in 8th grade and all the way through high school but nothing really ever came of it.
We 'hooked up' once in our junior year when we were drunk, it was more like a release of mutual sexual tension than anything. But at any rate we stayed friends after. But going away to college this year, we are three hours apart now, has made him realize his feelings for me or at least this is what he tells me. I had a boyfriend that I had to break up with up here because me and Tim got together one weekend when we were both home. This all has been going on for about three months now. Tim just came up to visit and we ended up hooking up again. He says he will always love me and that he is exclusive with me. We talk on the phone almost every night and he has been sleeping with my hoodie that I gave him hehe.
I guess what I need advice on is do you think its possible that we really have always had this 'love' for each other and it was just being away from each other that made us realize it?
I don't even know if that is what I need advice on I think I just had to let this out!
Let me know what you think PLEASE I am going crazy!
geekchickknits
straydog, of course it's possible.

I have a crush. I haven't met him yet face to face, so I don't want to build him up too much, but I really enjoy his writing.

Yea crush!
Moonpieluv
Yea! GCK! You must give us an update...

As for my situation... I guess when it rains it pours.

As I'm sure some of you know, I left that immature ass behind two months ago..and things have been progressing rather well. I still have some anger left behind seeing as I'm suffering the consequences financially having moved to be with said ass. I'm still diggin myself out of that one...it all seems like a weird dream.

But on a lighter note, I met and went on a date with a guy that I rather like..enough to go on a second date. I feel casually about him, however. I've already noticed some red flags that would deter me from pursuing a long term relationship, but in the meantime, he's a lot of fun! We have a lot in common.

ANNNDDDD...I had an ex resurface this past weekend. He's the one that I retardedly dropped for the above ass. I truly didn't expect him to forgive me, but it seems we needed to get it out on the table..to make or try to make sense of it all. To heal our wounds...mine for having hurt him..and his for having been hurt. Of course, we ended up not being able to keep our hands off each other. That was truly unexpected! It could have just been "closure" sex, but there's a deep current within me that hopes that will not be the last time I spend time with him on any level, platonic or otherwise. I'm keeping my heart at bay, because there's a lil' drama situation that coincides with the whole thing...a situation that requires "us", if there would ever be another "us", to be put on hold for at least many months. SO as it stands, I must keep moving and keep things casual and keep myself protected.
The guilty pleasure of potentially seeing him again excites me, however. dern it.

I think having seen him really put things in perspective for me. In my lesson of acceptance, rolling with life, taking care of ME.

Life is just weird. weird, I tell ya.
geekchickknits
Yea MPL!

I went on a date Saturday night with the guy I refer to in my last post. I had fun, although there was no kiss at the end, but he asked if I wanted to go out again, and I said yes.

However, he is the 3rd straight-edge guy I've gone on a date with recently. Very odd. Especially since I am not.
purplestain
straydog, definitely possible. Being away from someone you care about can make your realize that you may have taken them for granted. That is a really cute story, although it sucks to be in a long-distance relationship.
kissmeducky
This semester I found someone that I thought I could actually be with only to discover, upon friending him on Facebook, that he's married.

We had been hitting it off for awhile and I was completely floored when I found this out. The next class we had together I realized that whenever we talked he would hide his wedding ring, subconsciously or not.

I'm 19. He's 21. This isn't supposed to be happening to me already!
geekchickknits
QUOTE(kissmeducky @ Nov 18 2008, 03:30 AM) *
This semester I found someone that I thought I could actually be with only to discover, upon friending him on Facebook, that he's married.

We had been hitting it off for awhile and I was completely floored when I found this out. The next class we had together I realized that whenever we talked he would hide his wedding ring, subconsciously or not.

I'm 19. He's 21. This isn't supposed to be happening to me already!


Balls. That's no fun! However, if he didn't tell you and keeps trying to hide his ring, he looks like he's trouble. Watch out.
anna k
deleted.
zoya
...so update on R, the guy that I wrote about last a couple months ago..... you were right sybarite, I think that 2-3 days is just his style. He's been fairly consistent with that.. We were spending quite a bit of time together, there was a lot of social stuff going on, so we ended up in the same places, and he was asking me to do stuff, etc. Great sex, etc. But then he got busy with a new job, the last week of November, and some other stuff.. the first couple of weeks of it, I knew he was slammed. He even texted me one night, I think the 1st of Dec, to see if I wanted to go have a drink since he'd be having another really busy week the next week. I've been trying to be chill about this, it brings up loads of stuff for me, because when things change a bit, and a guy pulls back a bit (even if it's because he's busy) I go to this place where I get really extreme, think it's all over and start freaking out. When most times, nothing is wrong. So I kept reminding myself of that, and once his crazy week was over (last week) he did get in touch, and I had him over last wed to watch a movie, etc. But I just... it just feels like he's not working for it as much, that he's not as interested(?) that maybe the time he was busy just kinda put me 'out of sight, out of mind' Because I know things have plateaued a bit and he's not nearly as slammed as he was up until about a week ago - and yet, he's not exactly going out of his way to show interest in me.

we had a discussion early on and he told me that he wanted to be casual -when I asked him what his definition of casual is, he said that it was that we're not boyfriend/girlfriend, but he's not sleeping with/seeing anyone else, and that we're getting to know each other. I told him that I was fine with that, that that actually didn't sound that casual to me (to me casual is fuck buddies, which I told him I am NOT into) ..as long as he understood that I was not wasting my time if there was not any interest in the possibility of things progressing. And he was cool with that. And things seemed to be progressing along...us enjoying hanging out, etc. to the point I was starting to have some feelings. Now I just feel like - I don't know. it's like all of a sudden he's not making the effort. I don't know if he's not interested, or just coasting and using that excuse 'well, it's just casual.' Maybe it's time us to speak and talk about what we want. Or maybe I should just give him a long leash for a bit longer and see what happens. I feel like I've been pretty up front with him about what I'm willing to accept in this, so it's not like I'm coming out of left field, but at the same time, I don't want to jump the gun... argh.
Persiflager
Is he not sleeping with/seeing anyone else because he's said that he wouldn't, or because there doesn't happen to be anyone else around at the moment?

If he's said that he wants to be casual, then he's been pretty upfront with you too - perhaps he's only interested in things progressing further if they do so by themselves, rather than putting in effort to make that happen. Do you know if he's had any time to hang out with other friends while he's been busy?

Naughty R!
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