Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: is it called a crush because that's what it does to you?
The BUST Lounge > Forums > The Mating Game
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58
sybarite
(((Zoya))) read you over in the Confessions thread

I think this is about what you're happy to live with more than what you can/should expect from R. It sounds to me like up until recently you have been happy with things as they are, taking his communication style in your stride and just enjoying yourself with him. Your post here suggests two separate but overlapping (b/c everything usually overlaps to some degree) concerns: that he's being less attentive now that his job sitch has changed and the overall definitions/ideas of what you are to each other and where you go from here.

I think the first is circumstantial and time specific: his new job may take some settling into and he may need more headspace for that right now (that's how I work anyway.) If you felt that overall this was worth pursuing I'd suggest waiting this particular period out while he adjusts.

However, if you feel a general unease at the way things are (not) progressing then it's worth talking to him, not least for your own peace of mind. It's not whether he should be doing more, being more attentive etc.; it's whether you feel unattended to, to a degree that you are not currently comfortable with.

I wouldn't call it a day without waiting to see what he has to say first. It's good that you are clear on what you want and need, but finding out his thoughts now you've been together a little while needs doing too. IMO. Hope the above makes sense, and best of luck through this.
auralpoison
Zoya, you are at a really great place in life, you need somebody that is on the same page as you if you're wanting longterm commitment. I don't think R is the guy, but enjoy him while you can & keep your prospects open.

So me & HB have been on hiatus. We still love each other, we're just at a crucial point. Do we want to make things permanent? I still wear the ring on my left hand. We've decided to take a break & explore our options.

I know HB's not dating anybody, but I have met somebody.

I had a major flail that landed me in hospital for a few days. They switched my anti-convulsive & what not. I had a night nurse that was HAWT. High & tight glossy dark hair, sparkling brown eyes, aquiline nose, full lips, square jaw, broad shoulders, tight ass. Very NORMAL handsome. Yeah, NOT my type. I dig Frankenstein types with bad teeth. Hipster dbags. But he was the nicest nurse. I never had to remind him that I was person like I did the other nurses. He had to feel all over me to get the sticky things in the right places after I shifted & they came loose. He saw the GIANT granny panties that my aunt brought me since I came in a matching bra/thong set. Since I don't sleep, we talked a lot. The morning he dropped off my release papers I jetted without saying goodbye I was so happy to be sprung.

Fast forward. My gf needed a "bitch in a pinch", IE: somebody to go on a double date with. Being wretched, I agreed to go & bring a BIG bag of crazy to entertain myself. I was fully prepared to bring the crazy . . . but he'd already seen me naked & he had five older sisters. I couldn't freak him out nohow. He was the guy that changed my bed pan & watched me hurl.

We wound up really hitting it off. He's a full time nurse, part time . . . animal husbandry guy. He puts his arm up to the elbow into cow twats. Charming.

So I find out that the whole date thing was a ruse, the nurse just wanted to know me, but was too afraid to ask. He put his friend up to asking T out to get closer to me. My friend & her date were a trainwreck.

So we been rolling. We've had dinner & such, seen movies. I've been trying to teach him cribbage. We play games. Speaking of games/movies, he actually got me last time when he said he'd bought tickets to "Twilight". He hadn't, but the sparkle in his eyes in thinking he got one over on me? HAWT! Othello, pente, we have chaste fun.

We look so ridiculous together. It's like the Marlboro Man sans 'stache & Auntie Mame. He's so cowboy & I am so over the top. It's like hawt meets ugly retarded.

We haven't had sex. He lives thirty miles away, so we sleep together sometimes when he can't drive. I am a very warm person, so we share the bed. I sleep with him. I feel safer with him around. Somehow a warm hand over my big belly makes me feel better.
zoya
thanks guys - I think you hit the nail on the head, sybarite, and it made perfect sense. i feel uncomfortable with the degree I'm being unattended to. I don't know whether this is his work sitch (which has WAY mellowed out in the last week from where it was for a couple of weeks) or if he is backing off and it happens to coincide with it. If it is the work sitch, I could wait it out - but if it's just that he's not into it, then it's different.

I was genuinely happy with what were were doing - then. (although I did tell him that if it went on, there would come a time we'd need to re-evaluate - which he understood) We were spending time together fairly consistently, and he was doing things that someone does if they're into you and putting forth the effort. If his level of attentiveness was still there, then I would still be happy with things as they are. When he was first getting busy, I felt uneasy (more to do with my issues) but attended to - he'd shoot me a text saying "sorry, I've been really involved with my stuff lately." - taking responsibility and letting me know. I'm down with that. But something seems to have changed, I don't expect things to be exactly the same as pre-work, but it feels more like that guy drifting thing. Very little contact, and when he does, it's on his time, not just reaching out to check in.

I remembered today that one time early on, I told him that I thought that communication didn't have to be scary - that it was kinda like cleaning house - if you just deal with little things as they come up, then you don't get bogged down under scary amounts of shit to the point you just don't want to deal with it. I think I need to remember that and not be afraid to talk with him. You guys have heard my stories over the last couple years - SB, the guy prior to him (I can't remember what I called him here) - they were both real assholes and I blamed myself, etc for a lot of it - plus I didn't have the guts or the self-worth to bring things up with them. R is not them. I can talk to him. - and like AP says, I'm in a MUCH better place in terms of ME. R is a nice guy who I think truly likes and respects me - but just isn't into a relationship. (or as he said early on to me when we were talking relationships in general, "I'm not sure what I want, I think I'm pretty jaded, or maybe I'm just scared" - neither of which is my responsibility to fix)

I am into enjoying my time with him, I don't have any hidden agendas - it's just that I want to have time I CAN enjoy, if there is still interest in doing so. Right now, I'm not enjoying it, because I don't know what the fuck is up. We have been hanging out for the better part of 3 months, I think that I'd be amiss not to say anything....


AP - are you into the "just enjoying" thing with this guy? do you see it going anywhere - or do you want to pursue it to see if it goes anywhere?
auralpoison
Word on the smartness of Syb. I think just writing it all out was good for ya.

I know whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. It's not G, it's HB. The distance is killing us, but I need to fulfill my familial obligations. HB has NO family so he doesn't understand. My grandad NEEDS me right now. Grandad keeps trying to push the guy that lives with him now (A junior pastor at his church.) on me because I shouldn't be with an old white guy. I had to tell the guy that while I appreciate his righteousness, I'm a sinner through & through. I like my big dirty sinner's cock & our unmarried status.

After a year, I still don't know anybody here & that's my fault. I get lonely sometimes. There's D, I flirt with him relentlessly. I know he wants to ask me out, he's just too pussy to do so. He looks forward to seeing me once a week. But I do not find him to be worth the drama.

G . . . I do not want a relationship with him. I just enjoy his company. I laid shit out for him in no uncertain terms. I know that he would like to take it further. He digs me. The first night when he was too fucked up to drive I set him up on the sofa. Ten minutes later he was curled up around me in bed. I've only recently been able to sleep in my mother's bed after a year & he makes it easier. He makes it all easier. I feel safe around him. The first full night of sleep I've gotten in a year that wasn't in a motel was with him breathing gently against my neck. His smile is so easy & genuine. His eyes crinkle in the most delightful way. And it's just nice to be looked at in that way. That way where they think there's something special in you even if you're fooling them because there isn't anything special about you at all.
thirtiesgirl
Zoya, I'll weigh in here. In years past, I've dated 2 or 3 sweet guys who were nice to me, mostly attentive, and generally good guys. They were into monogamous sex and we'd generally have a good time hanging out together. But that's all they really wanted. They wanted a "steady girlfriend" (although they probably wouldn't have used that term) who'd be around on the weekends or whenever they wanted to get together. They didn't want to hang out all the time, but they just liked the idea of having me around when they wanted, and they weren't too interested in stirring up emotional drama with a bunch of other booty call girls.

Point being, we never moved past that place. We never shared emotional intimacy...or I'd share something emotionally intimate, he'd say "wow, that's really intense" or whatever, and not share anything of his own. There was no deeper connection besides a fairly regular booty call, hanging out, ordering in and watching videos, interspersed with the occasional night out - drinks and a movie, or maybe going to see a band. These guys had no desire to move past that place to any deeper emotional intimacy or plans to build a future together. And for some guys, that seems to be all they want.

Now I don't know about your guy. Based on what you've written, it certainly sounds like work could be a factor in his current (seeming) withdrawal of his time and emotional connection with you. It may also be possible that he's pulling back a little in an attempt to slow things down, perhaps because he just prefers the "steady girlfriend" idea and has no plans or interest in creating anything else with you.

I would definitely follow your instinct and talk with him about it. I might ask him if he's ever thought about his future plans for a relationship. Not that you're pressuring him into a relationship right now, but you're curious about his thoughts on the subject and if it's ever something he's considered for himself. If his answer is positive, I might give him some time and see how he acts in the next few months. If things still remain casual, it might be time to talk with him further about it, or cut your losses and move on. If his answer about the possibility of building a relationship in his future is negative, that should tell you exactly what you need to know.

I spent 5 years in a relationship with one such guy. Things were good between us, but our relationship remained stagnant, never moving forward. I was always the "steady girlfriend," and he had no plans of building a future with me. I guess he thought we could continue on forever that way without a care in the world. I had many, many conversations with him about it over the years, but the guy never changed and I eventually came to the hard realization that it was time for me to move on. It killed me to do it, but it was the healthiest choice for me to make, and I learned that it's better to cut your losses early if it doesn't look like the guy shares your interest in building a relationship, whether it's with you or anyone else.
anna k
I've developed a small crush on a guy who I see in one of my gym classes. I've been attending the class for six months, and have only just started to think he's cute. A few weeks ago, I got up the nerve to introduce myself and ask his name, and at the end of class, when I asked if I could help him put away some gym stuff (I was putting away my own equipment and he was standing behind me with the same stuff), he went, "oh yeah, sure, thanks." This week I didn't talk to him, but he ended up standing next to me in class, probably not on purpose. After the class, I was walking/chatting with a girl and passed him and the instructor. The instructor said to us ladies "Good work tonight," and I said thank you and good night. The guy looked at me but didn't say anything. I just brushed it off and went on.

It's nice to find someone attractive who I see around sometimes, but I don't have any expectations. He probably has a girlfriend, is gay, or isn't interested in me. Generally I feel like I am not a sexy, flirty girl. I'm average-looking, can be shy, can have a laugh that is childlike and a sense of humor that can be either sarcastic or silly, and am generally on my own a lot when not with family and friends. But I remember all the nice things you guys wrote to me when I last posted here in 2007, so I keep that in mind when I'm feeling down.
crazyoldcatlady
le sigh. trans-state crush.
geekchickknits
I have a new crush! I'm not sure how to feel about it yet because it's on a friend. I think the first step is to spend some time together one on one because in the past we've always hung out as part of a group. I think it could be really good, but it would also get very awkward if things went bad, so I want to tread carefully.
geekchickknits
I also have a totally cliche crush on the cute boy who works in my coffee shop. Whom I think I shall visit shortly.
BustiRubi
QUOTE(anna k @ Jan 2 2009, 04:37 PM) *
Generally I feel like I am not a sexy, flirty girl. I'm average-looking, can be shy, can have a laugh that is childlike and a sense of humor that can be either sarcastic or silly, and am generally on my own a lot when not with family and friends.



Anna k, I feel like that's me too. I always feel like the guy has a gf too and, hah. It's almost a miracle that I am where I am right now. But I think I find acting pretty casual and having not so high expectations is a good place to be sometimes.

*happy crushing*
mouse
ok so if anyone's checked the portions thread you're aware that i made out with a ridiculously cute boy on new years. he unfortunately lives very far away and we had a weird ending to the night and ended up not exchanging contacts, but i found him on facebook without having to stalk too hard (we have a few mutual friends and he was tagged in an album of the party that many of my friends were tagged in too).

part of me really wants to contact him and just send him a cute note saying basically thanks for making out with me and good luck in the new years and nice to meet you, whatever. i've friended the other people i met and hung out with that weekend so it would be in keeping with my general habits.

another part of me, however, thinks i am just obsessing because OMG A BOY and obviously nothing is going to come of it and what's the point anyway. furthermore, i'm not sure if it would be inappropriate as i'm not sure whether i was a throwaway makeout or someone he'd want to hear from again.

any advice? should i just wait it out until the urge is no longer there, since i am just a girl he made out with and has no intentions of pursuing due to distance and/or other factors? or should i treat him like the other friends i made that weekend, even though they were based more solidly on conversation?
anna k
Mouse, I loved your story in portions, it was so sweet and sexy and awesome. I don't have any advice for you, but others may. I too got kissed by a boy once on New Year's, a guy I had been chatting with on and off for the party's night (he even danced with me to Usher's Yeah) got right in my face just as I turned around and kissed me, with a big grin on his face. It was such a sweet surprise, and one of the best kisses I've ever had.

I saw my crush in my dance class tonight at the gym, I had never seen him in there before, it was a funny surprise. I only spoke to him when he was asking someone in the equipment room what the class was like, and I gave him a quick description, but wasn't looking at him, as I was getting some weights and wanted to be casual. I'm a little embarassed to say that I thought he looked sexy when, in the class that followed, he was kicking hard a mat the instructor held up, just looking good and strong.
zoya
mouse - I think it would be fine to friend him on facebook, but I think that you should wait for awhile... I think that if you jump to it, send him a message and friend request him right now, it could potentially be a little weird... (maybe not, but why not err on the side of caution) I'd say, wait for maybe a week or so, then shoot him a friend request with a message saying that you saw him in a couple of so and so's photos, thanks for the fun night and hope he's having a good new year. Or you could even just message him, without friend requesting him if that feels better. But I'd say wait for a bit. Then you won't have to worry about looking like you're chasing him or something. more for your own piece of mind, really.
geekchickknits
I am having such a good day!

I have a date with friendcrush in two hours (I asked him out) and the cute coffee boy just asked me out!

The only thing about coffeecrush is that we're in the same industry, so he may just be interested in friendship/networking.

Either way I AM STOKED!
crazyoldcatlady
yay geekchick! tell us how it goes...

mouse, i say friend him. he lives far away, right? so using the almighty flowchart: 1. you don't friend him--> never see him/talk to him again; or 2. you do friend him--> he replies back, jovial conversation, future potential OR -->he blocks you and you never see him again. if it pans out this way, SO WHAT. you might not have ever seen him again, anyway, so no harm no foul.

admittedly, this wasn't my first thought; i was thinking more 'let sleeping dogs lie', but you know what?

fuckit. play on, playa.
mouse
thanks for the advice ladies
anna k
You're gorgeous and smart and mysterious and introspective, mouse. I really admire you.
mouse
aw well hell, shucks, anna! the feeling is absolutely mutual wub.gif
starship
two of my best friends declare their love for me within the space of 24hours.
i don't know what to do. someone's going to get hurt and it will probably be me
i like one of them but i'm scared of letting someone close to me again in that way. 6months ago i went through a hideous and messy break up followed buy months of harrassment. im just beginning to feel ok in myself again and stronger as an individual so im not sure if the inevitable toils that come with any relationship would spoil my progress
i've tried explaining but he seems to think my hesitation is because i 'dont really like him that much'. it really is one of those 'its not you its me' situations
feel crap about the other guy too because he was a close friend to me and i'm already getting the feeling that things wont be the same
mouse
good luck figuring your stuff out, star--just be communicative

my decision to friend new years boy has become downright superstitious--i am now convinced he gave me back my mojo. last night i went out with my prettiest friend, the girl who usually ends up talking to all the boys while i yawn and deduce that i must be invisible, and somehow i ended up flirting with like every boy who looked my way. i flirted with the argentinean whose name i couldn't understand and who i was absolutely disinterested in but flirted anyway! i flirted with the scruffy cute little concert promoter who kept telling me i was "stylish" and barely even glanced at my pretty friend! i flirted with the cute german boy who probably didn't speak english or understand the brilliance i was telling him about how oasis has become our generation's journey! and then we got invited to an afterparty by a cute boy we'd kind of been eyeing all night and who ended up flirting equally with both of us and dancing until the wee hours of the morning! i was being treated exactly like her, whereas usually i am the wingman or the girl who fades into the wallpaper beside the skinny pretty one. it was astonishing! and now i am worried that if i message new years boy and he doesn't respond positively, it will yet again ruin my mojo. so i'm holding on to my mojo for as long as possible.

in other news, w (my old, gold standard) apparently hit on (and was refused by) his longtime female bff. i should not know this, but i do. he does not know i know; neither does she. i am not entirely sure what to do with this information--part of me feels bummed because while she is attractive (more attractive and far skinnier than i), i would not have thought she was up to his level in mental caliber. another part of me feels like i could use it as a "get out of embarrassment free" card if i should choose to hit on HIM--like, knowing that he is suffering whatever humiliation i would put myself up for could give me carte blanche to confess my attraction. however, furthermore, this friend claims that he is "asexual" because he never really dates anybody and he's been single for years and years (he talks about old girlfriends, but they are mostly from college which was 15 or so years ago) and only propositioned her because he is lonely. however i think this is incorrect, as i have heard him discuss blowjobs with too much enthusiasm to be asexual.

hmmmmmmmmmmmm
anna k
Mouse, I am SO proud of you! See, you are sexy and charming and cute and have a natural cuteness that draws the boyz to you! And I know what you mean about having a pretty friend who got all the attention, feeling like the nerdy friend who made them look better in comparison.
zoya
well R and I are officially over. Had a conversation last night where we discussed a lot of stuff, but basically he just said that he wanted to be on his own, not in anything. He asked how I felt about breaking it off and just being friends - all I could really say is that for me, before he backed off last month, I had been enjoying spending time together and getting to know one another - and because I was enjoying it, I had wanted to keep spending time together and just seeing where it went, organically. That's just what you do when you enjoy something - but if both people aren't mutually able to move forward like that - for whatever reason - then it just kinda has to stop - it would be selfish to want otherwise. One other thing we discussed was how he has a lot of unresolved stuff with his ex, and I told him that he should just go and take care of it. That I cared about him and it seemed like this stuff was not allowing him to move forward - if not with me, with another person, or even place, or thing, and that he should go deal with it.

He's a really good guy - he really wanted to talk and hear what I was thinking, and was not afraid to discuss what he was thinking. The thing I think that sucks the most is that I realize just how much I have come to care about him, because even though I don't like this (for me), I do want him to do what he needs to do. You just can't be selfish with another human being that you truly care for.

...although it didn't feel good when he said "we'll always have great memories though, of the great sex, and fun times." hearing it sound so final like that just stings. Even though know I don't want to hold him back (and I couldn't, anyway) it doesn't mean it's gonna be easy for me to see him around and stuff.

It's funny, for once I'm not the person who over thought things, or had issues that were holding them back. who'da thunk.
geekchickknits
w00t mouse! I think we're the same person. When it rains it freaking pours! While I was on the date with coffeecrush a friend and former fb texted me for a booty call! And I also have had the experience of being the not-skinny shy girl that none of the boys pay attention to when with friends.

Zoya, that sucks hard. But it does sound like he needs to go work his own shit out. At least he's aware of that, and if he comes back into your life in that way, it'll be as a better person thatn he is now.

Starship, while I sympathize with your sitch and remember reading about all the bs you went through with your last man, I think this will be good. I would let the friend you aren't interested know that as soon as possible, so he can start whatever process he needs to get over you. That may mean you don't see him for a while, but that while may be even longer if he feels like you lead him on. Have you observed the guy you do like in a relationship? Maybe explain to him what the behaviours are that send you running screaming.....good luck to you. You deserve to be with someone wonderful.

On my side of things, I did figure out on the date that coffeecrush is not what I'm looking for in a partner. Wickedly cute, yes. Nice, yes. Funny, yes. BUT (and I quote) "I'm really enjoying being single right now...." and he's planning on going travelling in a little while too (potentially to visit an ex.) A couple of months ago I would have jumped his bones. Now, I just think, "OK, friend then." I had already had those instincts about him. I'm proud of myself for being right, and for not pushing it further.

Friendcrush on the other hand, has talked in conversation about how he's a monogamous guy and wants to have kids. Some of his personal habits are a little slovenly (he's a messy eater - although, maybe that means he doesn't mind getting messy eating out wink.gif ) but overall, a great guy, makes me laugh until I have to pee, and is very intelligent and creative.

As for the fb, I decided after our last throw that he wasn't a road I would be going down again. I'm just not doing the casual thing anymore.
zoya
geek - I think that it is good to notice things early on. For example, I remember with R, way before we even got together, when he was just kinda coming on my radar, I saw him out with a girl who, by their body language, made me think that even if they weren't officially going out, that there was some sort of vibe between them. Which is why I thought he had a girlfriend at first. I later found out that it was his ex - they broke up years ago, but have been friends, she lives elsewhere now, but was visiting friends that weekend. I remember thinking when we first hooked up, by some things he said when we were talking about past relationships, and remembering when I saw them together that one night, that he wasn't over her in some way. Even when I kinda mentioned it in passing to a good girlfriend who's known him for years, she was like "oh no, that was ages ago, they're just good friends." But in the end I was right. I think that when things are early, and you're still on the outside of somebody's life, it's good to take note of your instincts about things, because either way, they're usually right - like with your two guys.

I used to doubt my gut, and I still rally against it sometimes, but I've come to realize that it's pretty much never been wrong about people - and that's been proved to me over and over, so I try to listen to it. So kudos to you that you're listening to your instincts and following them.

on a different note, something I just thought of that someone pointed out to me - I do feel good (albeit bittersweet) that for the first time, I laid down boundaries right away with a guy. Real basic ones - that if we were going to hang out, get physical, etc that there had to be some interest in things potentially progressing further. that I wasn't going to do just a fuck buddies thing - basically gave him an out while it was real early and easy. And at the end of the day, it shows that he did hear it and respect it, because he DID bring up not wanting to take it further, rather than just letting things kind of devolve into a merely sexual thing (which has happened to me in the past and it sucks ass) As my friend said to me "you've just gone out with a string of assholes up til now - but good guys think about the future, and respect what you're saying - just like you listen to what they have to say."

it still feels shitty, though.
crazyoldcatlady
hmm, for some inexplicable reason, i'm finding myself drawn to both mouse & geekchick now...... wink.gif

QUOTE
But in the end I was right. I think that when things are early, and you're still on the outside of somebody's life, it's good to take note of your instincts about things, because either way, they're usually right - like with your two guys.


werd, zoya.

QUOTE
that if we were going to hang out, get physical, etc that there had to be some interest in things potentially progressing further. that I wasn't going to do just a fuck buddies thing - basically gave him an out while it was real early and easy.


even better. that's a mark of an evolved woman.

still doesn't make the parting any easier, but at the end of the day you still know your worth, and it ain't nowhere near a buck-two-eighty.
zoya
yeah, I know, and I know he knows. which probably makes me feel shittier, because I don't have anything to be angry about. wink.gif and like I said, the fact that it just felt truly right to let go and him go do his stuff has made me realize I care for him more than I thought. I used to think that if you were able to let someone go like that, it meant you didn't really care for them so much - when it's exactly the opposite. Not sayin I can do anything about it, just sayin.

sorry, I'm just processing all these feelings right now. I've not had something be so clear cut final in a really long time and I just kinda feel empty and sad.

ETA: oh yeah, and old. sad.gif
stargazer
QUOTE(zoya @ Jan 11 2009, 01:46 PM) *
I used to think that if you were able to let someone go like that, it meant you didn't really care for them so much - when it's exactly the opposite. Not sayin I can do anything about it, just sayin.


(((zoya))) yeah, i remember feeling the same way when i ended things with jazzman. kudos for you with setting boundaries and taking care of yourself.

(((mouse))) i'm glad this kid ignited a spark in your mojo. but, remember this, that flame was always there. don't put all your power into this dude. you just needed the right joe to make you remember your own hotness. if he doesn't friend you, so be it. keep having fun flirting with people. men and women. i'm an equal opportunity flirter. keep that mojo alive girlie!
mouse
star, i love you but i swear to god i've told you this a million times. when i say i don't have the confidence or i can't flirt, i'm sorry but I MEAN IT. i'm not being modest or humble or whatever you think i'm being. I AM BEING HONEST. i know it's hard for some people to understand, but IT IS TRUE. sometimes i just cannot talk to people, sometimes i cannot even look at people. it's not like i'm lying or i can't see my own worth or whatever--sometimes I. JUST. CAN'T. DO. IT. it's not like i think i'm some horrifying hunchback and you saying "you're totally hot!" will make me smack my forehead and go "OHHHH! duhhh! now all my problems have miraculously disappeared! HOW DID YOU KNOW!?"

it's actually not like that. i'm sorry you don't understand this but if you can't respect that i'm telling the truth then please just keep quiet. it feels like every time i express my feelings over something like this you come in and say "THAT'S NOT TRUE!" i know you're trying to pay me a compliment and i appreciate the thought, i really do, but it really just feels like you're accusing me of lying and i'm sorry but i hate it. it feels similar to the disingenuousness (disingenuity...?? WORD PLZ) of telling someone who's depressed "chin up! everything's going to be fine!" you're contradicting me and negating my feelings and it's annoying and makes me feel shitty. suggestions on how to act or feel more comfortable are welcomed; saying in effect "you're wrong!" is NOT. i know you mean well but it makes me feel like crap, which i think is the opposite effect of what you intend.

i've told you this before and i'm telling you it again and i will again say i do love you but jesus christ please can it with the contradictions. i know what i feel and i'm not lying.

(((zoya))))

ETA: also, why do cute boys who seem interested in me have to live very far away?? another boston boy who i probably would have ended up making out with if new years boy hadn't showed up when he did has now found me on facebook (oh lord). i knew him vaguely several years ago but in the past couple of years he's lost some weight and buffed up a bit and has come to a much more flattering facial hair decision and is suddenly totally cute--one of those guys you never think of until you're like "whoa, wait a second, ___ is actually adorable". he was being REALLY flirty the first night i was in boston and had i not been the only girl in a group of guys who were all crashing on couches and air mattresses in the same room i would've responded in a more positive way. as it was i think i was dismissive and i feel bad--i want to telepathically reassure him that he is adorable and my reluctance was circumstantial. ANYWAY woo for cute boys even if they live seventy bajillion light years from my life.
stargazer
sorry mouse. i didn't mean to negate your feelings. i do believe you and all of your previous posts. i'll know just to keep my mouth shut from now on with you. i don't give empty compliments. but, if that is how it feels for you, then i just won't say anything to you.
auralpoison
I've been biting my tongue over this since yesterday. One of my NYRs was to not burn any bridges, but whatevs.

Hate the fuck on ya'll, it don't hurt me a bit.

Nobody is trying to negate your feelings here. NOBODY. We've been largely supportive of you in your efforts & you've been offered many hints, tricks, & tips to feel more comfortable in social situations, Mouse. How much of that you've used, I cannot say.

Star's post was about the fact that you have the mojo. You're just too afraid of your own self-perceived inadequacy to use it regularly. It seems to me that the majority of the time you just let your insecurity/social anxiety (They do have pills for that now, y'know. And a lot of therapists work on a sliding scale moneywise.) cripple you.

Mouse, you know damned good & well that Star wasn't calling you a liar any more than any of us have when we've tried to bolster your confidence. Because that's what we're trying to do even if you don't see it that way. We aren't trying to fix your problems. We aren't waving a magic wand over you to *poof* fix things. We aren't just trying to soothe your lack of spine, low self-esteem, skewed perception, etc. with positive affirmation of your great qualities. Even if they are qualities that you readily dismiss because somebody is prettier or, I cringe just typing this, thinner than you are. We are trying to offer positivity, constructive advice & possible food for thought.

We've been listening to you bitch for YEARS about the same goddamned thing. You haunt both the crushie thread & the frustration thread whinging about how you can't meet anybody. How you're either too picky or invisible or you just can't talk to boys. Well on January ninth, you weren't & you did. And instead of giving credit to yourself for stepping outside of your passive-aggressive little cocoon, you credited a MAN with giving you some mojo. Which is bullshit. His attentions may have given you a kick in the rump, but YOU were the person chatting up the mens.

I don't know what happened that night that you decided to change things up for a few hours was about; full moon, your lucky day, liquor, whatever. But you DID. You *CAN* do it. You took the time to TELL us that you *CAN* do it. You just can't do it every day apparently.
starship
thanks geekchick:). i told guy 1 i apprciated him as a friend but didnt want to take it further. he said he doesnt want to speak for a couple of weeks, which sucks but if thats what he's gotta do then so be it. guy 2- argh. i was all set to give him the green light when he remarked in a convo that although he wouldnt like to think he'd cheat on anyone, he just doesnt know until the situation arises. i know im being over-sensitive but after the disaster of my first little rendezvous in the relationship world, this pretty much sent me running. part of me wants it but something's just saying nooo. i cant work out if its my intuition or just them pesky fears.

but erm yeah, looks like its all about to kick off in here so perhaps i'll come whine about it some other time
*scurries off*
zoya
starship - listen to your gut!!! anyway, you don't have to jump into anything with him, you can spend some more time with him, and see how it goes - I would think he's just trying to be honest, because at the end of the day, even if you say you'd never cheat, you don't really know until you're in that situation. However - probably not the most prudent of trying to be honest statements to make. but you know him, and you know yourself and I would say assume it's intuition until if and when you absolutely feel otherwise. just my .02 cents
auralpoison
QUOTE(starship @ Jan 12 2009, 12:55 PM) *
but erm yeah, looks like its all about to kick off in here so perhaps i'll come whine about it some other time
*scurries off*


I'm not trying to pick a fight. I'm NOT. I just think that if something in your life isn't getting you the results that you want then it's high time to find an alternative means of reaching your goal. Work smarter, not harder.
mouse
ap says:
QUOTE
I've been biting my tongue over this since yesterday. One of my NYRs was to not burn any bridges, but whatevs.


um, does this mean you are trying to burn bridges with me...?? i hope not. this isn't even about you, or anything you've ever said. it wasn't directed at you, but since you're responding, i'll try to respond back and explain myself a little further

QUOTE
Hate the fuck on ya'll, it don't hurt me a bit.

Nobody is trying to negate your feelings here. NOBODY. We've been largely supportive of you in your efforts & you've been offered many hints, tricks, & tips to feel more comfortable in social situations, Mouse. How much of that you've used, I cannot say.


i never said anybody hasn't been supportive, i never said anybody hasn't offered tips or tricks or whatever. i know full well that you all are and have, and i appreciate that and that is why i keep coming here

QUOTE
Star's post was about the fact that you have the mojo. You're just too afraid of your own self-perceived inadequacy to use it regularly. It seems to me that the majority of the time you just let your insecurity/social anxiety (They do have pills for that now, y'know. And a lot of therapists work on a sliding scale moneywise.) cripple you.


i don't think it's fair to try and diagnose anything when you don't know me personally. i am taking a little umbrage at that, and i think it was meant to sting, and it does. that said, i do not believe that whatever personality type issues i may have that make me less socially comfortable than you, are severe enough to be treated medically. furthermore, i don't like the popular opinion of throwing a pill at whatever problem one has--i do believe they can help, but i don't believe it should be a wastebasket cure. i don't think you do either. even more furthermore, if i really did feel i needed to see a therapist, i would, money is not holding me back. but that is not an issue that i brought up anywhere in this thread, nor an issue that has much to do with any of these topics, and it feels like you're jumping to conclusions and dragging in separate issues from other threads and that feels uncalled for. but hey, i get it, you're defending star so you're fighting a little dirty. point taken and i understand and admire your loyalty.

QUOTE
Mouse, you know damned good & well that Star wasn't calling you a liar any more than any of us have when we've tried to bolster your confidence. Because that's what we're trying to do even if you don't see it that way. We aren't trying to fix your problems. We aren't waving a magic wand over you to *poof* fix things. We aren't just trying to soothe your lack of spine, low self-esteem, skewed perception, etc. with positive affirmation of your great qualities. Even if they are qualities that you readily dismiss because somebody is prettier or, I cringe just typing this, thinner than you are. We are trying to offer positivity, constructive advice & possible food for thought.


i pointed out that i know all of this. i pointed it out several times. but this is an issue *WITH STAR*, not you, that has come up before. i feel like i've tried to address it in gentler ways before, which was probably not the best idea as it was not noticed. perhaps i should have continued to bite my tongue, but it bothered me so much that i said something. i'm not sorry for that because it's true.

if i can spell it out, my issue (which has now become WAY bigger than it should have been and star, i'm really sorry for that. i should have just pm-ed you and i'm sorry i didn't, that was in bad taste of me) is basically from my point of view i come in and say "i'm not comfortable around boys" and star goes "yes you are!". i know it's meant well, but somehow the way it's put always comes across as "no you're wrong!". saying "you've always had this self-confidence!" when i come in and say "wow, i felt really self-confident that day" is at the very bottom line, just not true. if i'd had it before, i'd've acted differently before. that's my point.

and i KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW that's not how it's meant. but that's how it reads, TO ME. and i wanted to say something about it because it was getting on my nerves and it had several times in the past as well. that's ALL.

the thinner thing, let's clear that up--i'm not concerned about my body. i've just noticed pretty clearly (and so have all my friends, of all different sizes) that the boys gravitate towards the skinny girls first. i live in LA, it's unavoidable. but it's not something that (har har) holds much weight, just an observation. perhaps i should have said "popular opinion media-friendly attractiveness"?

anyway.

i've said before that it's not about complimenting me. while i do certainly appreciate the compliments and i love you guys for thinking i'm great and all, that's not what this is about. i know my good qualities, i do. i'm not fishing for compliments and while, as i say, i do appreciate the affirmation, that's not what i come here for. i don't come here to try to get you guys to bolster my confidence. i don't know how many times i can say it, but it has nothing to do with how much you may or may not compliment me. i don't come here to be mollycoddled and thank god you guys don't. what this site means to me is, yes, a wonderful group of women who do amazing things and have amazing opinions and who i love to talk with, but also to me it functions as a journal. i come here to document my life and i come here to work through things and yes, i come here TO COMPLAIN. which i absolutely do not deny and which leads us to the following:

QUOTE
We've been listening to you bitch for YEARS about the same goddamned thing. You haunt both the crushie thread & the frustration thread whinging about how you can't meet anybody. How you're either too picky or invisible or you just can't talk to boys.


guilty as charged, i'm well aware

QUOTE
Well on January ninth, you weren't & you did. And instead of giving credit to yourself for stepping outside of your passive-aggressive little cocoon, you credited a MAN with giving you some mojo. Which is bullshit. His attentions may have given you a kick in the rump, but YOU were the person chatting up the mens.


ok, this is a misunderstanding. i don't credit the boy himself. i credit the situation. whatever happened that night, however it ended up being the perfect circumstances, THAT is what kickstarted me. the boy himself is a nonentity, but the situation was significant.

QUOTE
I don't know what happened that night that you decided to change things up for a few hours was about; full moon, your lucky day, liquor, whatever. But you DID. You *CAN* do it. You took the time to TELL us that you *CAN* do it. You just can't do it every day apparently.


apparently not, and while i think you may have meant that snarkily, you basically have hit upon my entire point. my mood or whatever seems to be largely unconscious, i don't find it to be something i can actively turn on or off, so i'm just appreciating it while it's here. i don't know, maybe it's semantics and that's why i'm butting heads about this so at this point i guess i don't really give a shit if you understand that, can imagine it, or even believe it. but please (and i'm being honest) tell me if my whiny, bitchy postings are becoming detrimental to the lounge and/or crush and/or frustration threads at large. if not, i will continue to use this as a relatively safe space to vent and work through things.

that's all i got. thanks for listening.
girltrouble
*delurks* ap, i know where you are coming from, you feel like you-- and other busties are being supportive, but mouse doesn't hear that. but she does. i know it's frustrating, because, well, we adore mouse and think she's out of the ball park amazing and want the best for her, but ...... but i can so understand where mouse is coming from too. cos that's how i am. i know that i can be super charismatic, super charming, but most of the time...

i'm not.

most of the time i think of myself as shy. people tell me i'm not, but i assure them i am. there may be those circumstances or places where i am stand up comedy funny (grocery stores, for some odd reason), or super freaking smart (movies or anything about movies), and even a balls out, torch the city, rebel (gender panels), but i see myself more hours of the day than my friends who see me in a lot of those environments, and i know i am shy. i don't like parties, even though sometimes, i can hold court, but it's never something i can count on. it's catch as catch can.

and i think that's how it is with mouse. i think she knows she can be charming, funny, and the rest, but she, like me knows who she is, and for some of us, it's not a matter of deciding to be our best selves at all times. that's just not the way our clockwork, works. when we hit that, it's awesome, but it's not our baseline.

so, aural, that solution you see, the one that is so easy to spot, it's like your a goose asking a penguin to fly. sure, penguins have some of the same equipment, you know, wings, but the way we maneuver in this world is different.

you know i love you, chickie, but we aren't all built the same.

*relurks*
anna k
Today in my dance class I got to talk to that guy a little more, this time with other girls around, and it was very casual. I don't think he likes me in any particular way, just friendly small chat. He asked us how we were so close, cuz it seemed like we knew each other, and me and another girl said we've been taking the class for a year, while one used to dance. We introduced ourselves, and when I said my name he recognized me from another class. It just felt nice chatting and actually looking at him more when speaking instead of being shy. I did like it when the dance teacher said he had nice arms, as I thought the same but felt too shy to say it. He's a cute guy, so he probably has a girlfriend.
auralpoison
GT, I really didn't need your help on this one. And I didn't need the "I love you, but". The "but" negates the whole rest of the fucking sentence & is passive agressive.

Um, defending Star? I was NOT defending Star. This was not about Star. She's a growned damned woman & she can defend herself if she needs to. I only mentioned her because if you felt that she was calling you a liar by telling you that you rock, then that largely means the rest of us that tell you that rock think you're a liar, too. Which I don't. Any well-seasoned liar would tell a million different lies about a million different things instead of focusing on just one.

And If you only *think* what I said was meant to sting/snark, it clearly wasn't. If it were, trust me, you'd KNOW it was meant to sting/snark. And if you *think* I was fighting dirty, the same goes. You'd KNOW. And I did make the point that I wasn't trying to fight.

I know that we are not all made the same. The world would be boring as hell if we were. I started charming people from the second they cut me out of my mother's abdomen. I still run into the nurse that helped deliver me at the market & she will spend fifteen minutes telling everybody around us how awesome of a baby I was. Not everybody has the gift. Having a penchant for awkward, socially retarded men, I know this.

I may not know you IRL, but I read everything you write in here with thought & consideration because just like me, you lay it out bare bones. It's naked: You are unhappy with your inability to meet/connect with a good guy. You frequently credit that to your terminal shyness & complete flirtation retarded-ness. I get it.

What I don't understand though, is why you aren't trying to do anything about it. Why you're content to bitch & moan instead of being proactive. This is why I suggested talking to somebody & the pills? Merely a stopgap measure. In a short term way they can help people, I certainly don't think one should bank upon them forever. I guess I mostly just think that you're smart enough to work through this & wonder why you don't.

I never said the "solution was easy to spot". This is *NOT* *EASY* in any way, shape or form. This is like, neurosurgeon hard. But tackling a hard as fuck problem to eventually reach a desired goal seems far more feasible to me than languishing & waiting around for the stars to align in just the right way so that for one evening & one evening only shit will go my way.

I know that you live in one of the least hospitable dating-wise places on the earth. LA is a fucking PIT. Especially young, hipster-y places like Los Feliz/Silver Lake. But most of LA is like that. Every day a fresh batch of self-absorbed, obnoxious slashers gets off the bus thinking they're the shit. I have a theory that all the good ones are at home playing Scrabble, but I digress.

As far as crediting the boy, well, that's how it read to me. It didn't read as a situational thing. You said you were "convinced" that he gave you back your mojo & that you were "worried" that if you contacted him that it would "ruin" things. Again, that's how it read to me, so I apologize if I got it wrong.

I don't find your venting detrimental. I'm all for you getting your yayas out. I just wish that instead of just getting your yayas out, you'd do some work on getting rid of them.

You see, I don't want a penguin to flap it's wings & fly. I want the penguin to put it's mind to it, get a credit card, figure out how to buy a ticket on Air Antarctica, & give the fucking goose the goddamned finger as it flies off to Orlando for the winter. Difficult? Yes. Fraught with peril & possible impending doom? Yes. Painful? It's a *definite* possibilty. But impossible? NO. Worth it? HELLS YES!
mouse
firstly, also, i thought GT was helping *me*, not you. and she did, and it made me feel a lot better.

QUOTE
Um, defending Star? I was NOT defending Star. This was not about Star. She's a growned damned woman & she can defend herself if she needs to. I only mentioned her because if you felt that she was calling you a liar by telling you that you rock, then that largely means the rest of us that tell you that rock think you're a liar, too. Which I don't. Any well-seasoned liar would tell a million different lies about a million different things instead of focusing on just one.


you responded to a post that was directly for and about star. it was not about or directed at you. therefore, your taking it upon yourself to dissect me AFTER star had already responded seemed to point to that answer. and in case i did not make myself clear, the "you rock" sentiments *AREN'T* what bothered me...it was the "you've always had it!" sentiment that did. the contradiction was my issue, not the compliment.

QUOTE
And If you only *think* what I said was meant to sting/snark, it clearly wasn't. If it were, trust me, you'd KNOW it was meant to sting/snark. And if you *think* I was fighting dirty, the same goes. You'd KNOW. And I did make the point that I wasn't trying to fight.


i know you said that, but you sure threw around a lot of unnecessarily shitty terms for not wanting to fight or sting. you could easily have made your point without being as cruel as you were. there are less inflammatory euphemisms for things that you said. i'm certainly not asking for sugarcoating but you didn't have to make it hurt.

QUOTE
What I don't understand though, is why you aren't trying to do anything about it. Why you're content to bitch & moan instead of being proactive.


this is straight up jumping to conclusions. who says i'm NOT doing anything about it? every fucking time i go out i push myself to talk to people, i push myself to be more social, i push myself to flirt more than i did the last time. you have NO FUCKING IDEA what i was like five years ago, and man if you hate how i am now, you would not have liked to know me then. please don't make assumptions that i'm sitting on my metaphorical ass and not doing anything. just because nothing's happening doesn't mean I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. it's not a 100% cause and effect system, for chrissakes.

QUOTE
I never said the "solution was easy to spot". This is *NOT* *EASY* in any way, shape or form. This is like, neurosurgeon hard. But tackling a hard as fuck problem to eventually reach a desired goal seems far more feasible to me than languishing & waiting around for the stars to align in just the right way so that for one evening & one evening only shit will go my way.


again, this is not actually what i am doing or thinking.

QUOTE
I know that you live in one of the least hospitable dating-wise places on the earth. LA is a fucking PIT. Especially young, hipster-y places like Los Feliz/Silver Lake. But most of LA is like that. Every day a fresh batch of self-absorbed, obnoxious slashers gets off the bus thinking they're the shit. I have a theory that all the good ones are at home playing Scrabble, but I digress.


yeah, it is, which is why i have better luck in boston. but i'm trying to make do with what i got, so cut me some slack.

QUOTE
As far as crediting the boy, well, that's how it read to me. It didn't read as a situational thing. You said you were "convinced" that he gave you back your mojo & that you were "worried" that if you contacted him that it would "ruin" things. Again, that's how it read to me, so I apologize if I got it wrong.


thanks. that did come across wrong.

QUOTE
I don't find your venting detrimental. I'm all for you getting your yayas out. I just wish that instead of just getting your yayas out, you'd do some work on getting rid of them.

You see, I don't want a penguin to flap it's wings & fly. I want the penguin to put it's mind to it, get a credit card, figure out how to buy a ticket on Air Antarctica, & give the fucking goose the goddamned finger as it flies off to Orlando for the winter. Difficult? Yes. Fraught with peril & possible impending doom? Yes. Painful? It's a *definite* possibilty. But impossible? NO. Worth it? HELLS YES!


again--i'm not just sitting around "not putting my mind to it". i go out A LOT. i work hard at being more social ALL THE TIME. besides, one of my main issues that i like to bitch about so much is that *I* don't fall for people easily. finding a guy who likes ME may be rare, but finding a guy *I LIKE* is even more rare. it's just not enjoyable for me to hook up with someone i'm not really into. and no amount of self-confidence or socializing is going to change those odds, so i don't really even see how it figures in to this.

furthermore--i'm not sure why you care. if i don't find a boyfriend, it shouldn't affect you (other than that you have to read my posts about it, which you have said you don't find detrimental which i am taking to mean don't mind--if this isn't the case, either tell me or put me on ignore). i dunno why you give a shit whether things do or do not change in my love life. live and let live, don't take me to task for it.



anna k, i hope you get to talk to the guy more. don't assume he has a girlfriend, he's single until proven taken wink.gif
zoya
.......wow. I don't think I have enough time in the day for two threads that are going off......



anna k
Last night I talked a little to the guy who I like. Nothing special, he was in my dance class again and at the end of class, I passed him and told him he did well (not perfect, but good for keeping up with the choreography). He smiled and looked sheepish, saying "It's not my best." I just smiled and shrugged it off, saying "It's fun." It was nice talking to him, it felt more normal and casual.
geekchickknits
I totally had a sex dream about my friend crush last night.

Wowza.

Made me want to call him and see if I could make it a reality lol
hellcat
anna_k - have you been back to dance class since your last chat with your crush?

Sounds saucy geekchicknits! I rarely dream about the people I want. No fair!

I just spent the better part of 3hrs making a cutesie valentine card for my crush. I made hearts out of gold, white, and red paper clips! Now- I must decide if I will send it. I sent him a postcard (oh yeah, long distance crushing!) the other day so I guess I'll see how well that is received.


I am so far out on this limb...
anna k
hellcat, I have gone to class, but he hasn't spoken to me. I noticed he keeps to himself a lot, so it's not personal. I still think he's cute, but I'm not going to go out of my way to talk to him.

Today I have a date with a guy from Okcupid. I'm not expecting much, it should be fine.

Good luck with the valentine, hellcat!
geekchickknits
Yeah, anna k good on you for keeping your dance class crush chills.

I hope your date is fun!

And hellcat, yes, it was a very saucy dream.

My crushes are all lingering in this place where I'm not sure where they're going to go. I may just end up being better friends with all of them.

Haven't hung out with friendcrush lately.... but he never calls me! mad.gif I'm always the one calling him. Maybe he's not interested.....
anna k
Thanks. The date was pretty quiet and boring. Afterwards, me and the guy agreed that we were both shy and quiet people, and didn't feel any romantic attraction, but would still hang out together casually when there's time.
hellcat
Good on ya for getting out there anna_k! Having more friends can't be too much harm geekchickknits - maybe you'll meet more people through them?

So, after spending 3hrs on valentine the first I decided that although cute as it was I needed to restart. So, now the card is actually finished. I'm not v. crafty by nature but man alive did I go all out. I stiched the greeting on the inside and on the outside, where I attached the paperclip hearts, I wrote an Oscar Wilde quote:

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

It still isn't sent but I love that I made it! I feel like this crush has been the best thing for me in moooooving on from the last go.

anna k
Thanks, hellcat. It felt good to go out on a date, even if it was unsuccessful. We talked afterwards, and he sounded too needy and annoying, wanting to hang out immediately, go to my apartment, and kept calling me pretty/cute/awesome so much it felt empty coming from him. He also told me he got horny when he first saw me, which was just way too much information at once.

Good luck with the valentine, cherie!

I went to the gym Saturday morning, and I saw the guy I liked briefly. I came in and looked up and saw him, and he looked at me, but I just walked on into the locker room. I just felt too shy to smile or say hi, just wanting to keep it cool.
geekchickknits
My crush on coffee boy is getting deeper. I see him more than friendcrush, and he's been pretty touchy-feely over the last little while.

And he's stupid hot. I just want to lick him.

However, when I was talking to friendcrush on the weekend, he said we should hang out again, soon. I told him to call me when he has some free time, so we'll see if he does. I've been pretty assertive in pursuing him, and it's time for him to reciprocate, or I'm going to let it go.

With coffee boy on the other hand, I'd say we're on equal footing.
anna k
Sounds like things are going pretty well, geekchickknits. smile.gif
starship
why do i go off them as soon as they fall for me:/
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.