Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: is it called a crush because that's what it does to you?
The BUST Lounge > Forums > The Mating Game
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58
futura
"cause they're fucking stupid. That's the only conclusion I have ever been able to come to."

Word, Zoya.

Got a half finished textmessage some time ago. I'm guessing it's from dramaguy. He has a new phone #. So? Why do i need your #? He tries to maintain dibs on me and it's such a turnoff. I ignore him. He comments on my status on fb (not enough to make a conversation, but enough to let me know he's there) and i just ignore it. I love having the whatever higher ground in this situation.
zoya
QUOTE(futura @ Sep 12 2009, 03:44 AM) *
He comments on my status on fb (not enough to make a conversation, but enough to let me know he's there) and i just ignore it.


oh yeah, futura, I hate that. The geek guy who asked me to hang out with him, then proceeded to flake out on every plan, only for me to find out through the magic of facebook that during the week between he'd asked me out and when we were supposed to do something, he hooked up with someone he had recently met on a fan forum for a shared hobby and is now seriously involved with them. (within 3 weeks) now has left a couple of comments on my page - it's like he just wants to let himself know that I'll still be around, or something, I don't fucking know. again- fucking idiot.

in other news, I am going to a birthday party later tonight for R, who I was seeing for a few months end of last year into beginning of this year. Part of me feels I shouldn't, because it will show that everything is ok - but 1) he's a lot younger than me and his new GF is closer to his age, which I think is probably better for him, and that isn't going to change 2) he invited me himself, and I know that for him, after all this time of letting things lie, that's like extending an olive branch - and things being what they are, we're not going to get back together ever, so why not accept the olive branch and begin to build some sort of friendship 3) his GF will be there, and I want to take the higher road, because she has been nothing but nice to me and none of anything has anything to do with her. 4) it will show everyone else that i'm fucking cool. Things can be friendly without them being ok, and I don't think that I'm co-signing anything by just showing up for awhile. Plus he's got some cute friends and I might meet someone new tongue.gif

anyway, I'm not trying to convince myself, I guess I'm just explaining why I'm going.

boys = dumb. I love 'em, but I have yet to meet one that is not dumb that I also want to be with. bleh.
anna k
zoya, that's cool that you're going, and that he invited you. It should be relaxed, laid-back, and very chill. I hope you have a lot of fun!

futura, dramaguy sounds like an indecisive jackass. Just being an ass.

epinephrine, that encounter sounded so sweet and cute, so innocent. Don't worry about it, it sounded like it was a happy, sweet moment.

I'm probably not likely to see my FWB again. We haven't seen each other in two months, and while we've chatted a little bit in between, it seems to have petered off. I'm personally tired of casual sex, and he's younger than me and is polyamorous. I miss his personality, but I don't really feel like hooking up anymore and not hanging out as friends, it just feels boring to me. But during our fling, I felt much more intimate than I had been with a guy, and it really helped me a lot, so when I do pursue a romantic relationship, I'll feel much better.

I have a little crush on a guy I see at the gym. He seems younger than me and kind of awkward in a way, but he's cute and kicks ass at kickboxing. It's nice to find someone cute, but I don't really feel like talking to him.
odysseylily
Hey busties! I'm going through a breakup so I'm generally in the Moving On thread but I have a pretty big crush on someone so I feel like telling everybody . . . laugh.gif
Anyway I want to preface this by saying that I know it's not going anywhere but it is nice to think about someone other than my ex!
So basically I've had a pretty longstanding crush on this friend of mine, and I just recently told him about it. I was planning to call him and just spit it out when he actually called me, and we had a really long conversation in the course of which he told me he's been really depressed & lost his ability to be attracted to anyone. I told him that I was really into him, and he responded by repeating what he had said about being depressed but saying he thinks I'm awesome and he'll call the next day. Which he did - we've actually been talking a lot since then. So . . . I don't know, it's kind of a weird situation and I don't know what to think about it. But it is very cool that we are still talking and our friendship has not become awkward.
zoya
nothing spectacular, but something cute - ran into kinda crush guy last night outside a bar, upon seeing me, he got excited, picked me up, spun me around, and upon putting me down said "so when are we getting married?!!" haha! granted he was drunk and nearly immediately had to run off with his friends, but still - cute, and a nice little ego boost - and considering we don't know each other all that well, just through mutual friends and IMing a couple times on facebook, I thought that was a positive thing, even if he was drunk and socially lubricated.
futura
((Odissey))

Zoya, that sounds like a scene from a romantic movie!

I decided to go out on a limb (what that constitutes for me anyway) with designer dude. It didn't work. See the relationship/ dating advice thread. I texted him i'd like to see him again, but if he needed time for himself (he made clear that is the case) i would understand. Haven't heard from him since. It's so stupid, i felt hurt when looking at his fb status where he claims all is going well. Like i don't matter at all. Why are guys gaga over you one minute and the next they pull that very carpet out from under your feet?

Fortunately that didn't stop me from having a great time last weekend. More in the portions thread.

Last weekend i went out seeing bands play with my bff and her sisters. I got a text from drama guy. He was at a happening i couldn't make because i had other arrangements (my friends were there too). He texted he would've liked to see me, there, then. Uh-huh.
But in a way it was good that he texted me because now i know he's not the sender of the half finished text i got some weeks ago. I figured it had to be long-distance guy, the tortured artist. He flirts relentlessly with me on fb (among other social networking sites). He missed my call the next day (i had to make sure the # belonged to him), but texted me that he will visit me in about two weeks. He's been on my to do list forever!
girltrouble
.
zoya
aw fuck. I think I might be going down a slippery slope and it's not with aforementioned intended boy toy. shit.

anna k
((((zoya)))))
crazyoldcatlady
so i had basically resolved to ride out the last of my time here in dating siberia and just concentrate on work.

then, i go state-hopping for work, and meet a totally hot g-man on the plane (yay reward points first class upgrade!!!). he gives me his card, and a week later i'm back in his neck of the woods but he's unfortunately not in town that weekend. we've talked a few times on the phone, trying to figure out how to cross paths again. it's not looking good. (in part b/c it seems totally fukt to travel a sizeable distance to go on a date with someone you've talked to for all of two hours.)

the point is--if i may use a shitty, shitty metaphor--i feel like i've been walking a desert, get offered water, only to have it taken away. and i had just gotten to the point where i forgot i was even thirsty...

i basically just have to vent. traveling out of this rathole (like i have been for the past two weeks), i'm reminded that there are tons of awesome people my age(ish) living and working and having great experiences, and "i'm sitting here on the truck watching my nuts grow smaller."[1]

[1] Sandler, Adam. The Talking Goat. What the Hell Happened to Me? CD, Track 5; 1996.

zoya
oops
zoya
this may belong in inhebriated ramblings... but I am currently sitting in an office with IBT, drinking wine and listening to comedy mp3s. He thinks I"m finishing up some work but really I'm typing this. ok, gotta go and charm the pants (literally) off him. Wahoo!!!
girltrouble
have fun zoya!

ok, lots of you don't know the story behind this, but uh, i just got an email from crush girl. she apologized. she wants to be friends. [le sigh]. i said that'd be ok. now that i've sworn off even so much as day dreaming about romantic entanglements acos of her, might as well right?
[headdesk]
futura
Hey Zoya, how was your evening?

Gt, i caught a glimpse of what you're talking about. It sucks. What do people mean when they say anyhing? I don't know.

I deleted all textmessages from designer dude. Not having his contact info makes me feel being in control. I also did this with cute guy. Some weeks ago he sent this totally vague email that he couldn't make our date. He said he'd get back to me and ended said email with 'talk to you soon'. I even sent an email back, being all understanding. I wanted to give him some credit for being an all around nice bloke.
Last week one of my friends told me (after some prying) that he made someone pregnant! By accident. Wow. This friend said that cute guy would call me. Well, he didn't, but he sent me a generic email staing that he will be a father for the third time (it's his third child. He has two with his ex and she is pregnant of her third from her current bf). The woman he impregnated is a friend he's known for 16 years. He's going to be in a relationship with her. For the baby.

What he does with his life is his own decision and he doesn't owe me anything. But after three dates (granted, for me it was more about fucking than converstaion) you can just call me, right? He ended the email with 'so, anything exciting happening in your life? Do you get enough assignments at work?' I had a good laugh about that. What about 'i had a good time, but let's end things here. See you around' (last sentence is optional). I know he doesn't have the balls to call me. And all this is just life in all its absurdness. But it irritates me that i always have to be the bigger person. The one who has to state things clearly, who has to actually break things off. Men are so dumb.

And my male best friend agreed. He said that deep down men are all wusses. That whenever a problem arises in the dating world they cover their eyes and hope it will go away.

I have a date next weekend with rugged man.
girltrouble
yeah. she kind of did a full spectrum mea culpa. apologizing not just for the email that started the trouble, but her behavior after.

but that guy, futura? you're so much better off without him in every way. seriously. a father for the 3 time... on accident? what a jackass.
sassygrrl
((everyone)))

Sorry haven't been in here for awhile....

One of my ex boyfriends from college emailed me via FB. Damn you FB! Last I heard he was engaged, and so I am. We're "friends", but I haven't seen him in years. I can't help but think, what if? He's gone and gotten Ph.d. and other things at this great university. I can't help but think he's smarter than me. This totally sucks, but adds to my day of suckage. I'm wondering if others will come out of the woodwork later on....

The last time I saw him he gave me one of those Hollywood kisses that made my knees buckle. Then called me to tell me that his engagement would be in trouble if we still talked. His girlfriend/fiancee was the girl that he dated after me. One of those long stories of I never knew what I had until later on romances. I ended up with a guy who was much worse. Typical me.

Carry on....

coffeebean
((sassy)) it sounds as though you have learned a lot from your relationship with this ex as well as the relationships that came afterwards. Because I don't know your situation that well I am assuming that your comment 'I ended up with a guy who was much worse' wasn't in regards to your current beau and fiance.

That said, in relation to your comments about your ex being smarter and more accomplished....I think that the grass is always greener on the other side. Yes, he is very professionally accomplished but that does not mean that it has always been easy and that his level of accomplishment did not come without sacrifice either. Maintaining personal relationships and ensuring that your partner remains one of the paramount items on your priority list is hard work while being an academic. Clearly he has not always had it easy in his relationship with his current fiance because he has kissed you while being with her and has now emailed even though his last comment to you suggested that he probably shouldn't be in contact. Sounds like he is struggling too.

To be honest I see this as a crush that could take away from your current relationship.
futura
(((Sassy)))Coffeebean has some good points.

Girltrouble, i always wonder why people send signals like that in the first place, and then do a 180. Are you still in contact with her, like, just friends? Sounds like a tough situation.

I called cute guy yesterday. I was like 'if you want to drop a bombshell like that, why didn't you just call?' He said he 'didn't have much time' that 'he was busy', but that he was planning on calling me. Yeah, you're busy, so you send me this email instead of a quick call. Anyway, the guy just has poor communication skills. I just wanted to make a point by calling him, instead of him having actuall balls.
He even wanted get together again, i guess just a friends. Well, we're not friends. I mean, what are we gonna do, talk? I don't think so.
And i know i'm a snob in some ways, but to be honest he's just not up to my level. My god, he jumbled terms relationship-wise as i was rolling my eyes at the other side of the line. Like, he has no idea what he's talking about.

Rugged man a.k.a. David Puddy started texting me again last night. We texted back and forth on Sunday night. But come on, i'm not going to text back every night when we're going to see eachother on Saturday.

Oh, the tangled web we weave.. rolleyes.gif
girltrouble
dunno, honestly, i'm feeling some hardcore buyer's remorse about even being FB friends with her again.
ha. she just played herself. yeah. i'm seriously off crush girl. she's dumb.
mumblestutter
sorry to hear about all the let downs and facebook drama. sassy, on the one hand, it's great that getting out of the blue message on fb brings back good memories & not anger. but that relationship ended for good reason, i'm sure. futura, girltrouble, sounds like you're both having disappointments. but on the upswing, crushies revealed themselves as the inconsiderate flakes they are before getting overly involved.

i think i might be a person who frequently sends mixed signals. not b/c i'm not interested. but because, i'm really hard for most people to read. and on top of that i'm beginning to realize i'm terrified of entering a relationship. i do not advocate people strong arming others into relationships, but i think right now it's going to take someone i like alot displaying a sincere and persistent interest to get me to go that way again.

for example, i've had a pretty long term crush. people keep telling me that we should get together. but nothing ever happened. i think, mostly, it was because of active avoidance on my end. why? i just don't know how to deal with the stuff that COMES WITH the relationship.

first - i just don't know how to deal with our friends. on the back of my mind, they should be supportive. but on the other hand, i worry about making things weird. about people being judgmental. or things just being awkward if we're ambiguous about things for a while (you know people talking behind your back... are they? aren't they?) or ensuing weirdness when things break off.

second. it's been forever since i was in a relationship. i don't know what to do. most of my leisure activities are pretty personal. i'm happy to have company, but i can't just ask somebody over to read with me or watch videos. that's a little to one and one and insinuative, right? so i'd have to find a way to go out, somewhere else to do these things. right? but that's not in my usual routine.

whoa. that was way more than i intended to write. enough sharing for now!
zoya
mumblestutter - I know what you mean about not knowing what to do... it's been forever since I was in a relationship, as well. I'm really happy overall right now in my life. Relationships always seem to complicate everything. Not that I've ever been in a good, healthy relationship, so maybe a healthy one wouldn't complicate it in a bad way, but I'm kinda just not into dealing with it right now. I love the tension of just crushing and interacting with someone, but I dunno, at the moment it seems like too much trouble to go down the relationship road.... i'm kinda too busy anyway, at the moment.

now, as to that 27 year old... he's kinda dropped off the radar again, but I'm really busy and if history bears, he'll be back!

mumblestutter
hmm.... persistence is a good thing. i hope mine can bear out my insecurities.

good luck zoya!!!
futura
Date with rugged man turned out to be not such a good idea. When we met, we were with a group of people, the whole dynamic was different. I don't have a problem with hanging out with guys who are on a different plane alltogether. But this was too much. He's very sympathetic, very nice, but he just doesn't cut it. And i knew that, i was just looking for a good time. It's just that it doesn't feel right. He likes me very much, so i have to make a clean break. We had a good time last night, watching movies, talking.

And my head was still spinning from what happened Friday night. Fc turned my world upside down, again. The last couple of months we've been hanging out, having a good time. Since we both took a step back things have improved. I feel i can tell him things and i know he won't blab about it to others. We talk about our dates. We feel comfortable around eachother.
I had gone to a venue with a group of friends, fc included. By the end, everyone had left, except fc and me. As it was time to go i walked downstairs, and just when i wanted to open the door, fc pushed me against the wall and started kissing me. Out of nowhere. I reciprocated (i know i know) but then i pulled back and asked him what the hell was going on.
He said he liked me very much. We went outside to talk. He thinks i'm funny, smart, intellingent, sexy, a great conversationalist. He had been racking his brain all night how to approach me with all this. He said he couldn't help but wonder that our break from last year was largely his doing and if that was the right thing to do. He said he feels very comfortable around me. I know that, because when we hang out he tends to draw out our being together as long as possible. And you know, i still have feelings for him. I told him so. This is the most confusing situation i have ever been in with a guy. I don't really see us as a couple, still, we are drawn to eachother.
I went home with him. No sex. Which was fine by me. Just cuddling, talking. This is so fking weird. He's scared as hell about all this. I'm like, i don't even know. I just keep on keepin' on doing my thing. We'll see how things are when i see him again.

So yeah, out of his bed, walking home, a quick shower (well, make that a long one, 'cos i had a hangover) getting stuff ready for my date. That is something i'll try my best to avoid in the future. Hopping out of one bed into the next one. I thought i could do it, this date after what had happened. It was harder than i expected. In the end, things were fine. But i'm sooo glad to be alone now. Just me. No one else. I'm going to lie on the couch, open up a beer and watch Twin Peaks. Right now, i'm at my office. I don't even feel bad about lying to rugged man. I told him i had to do my taxes. I wanted him out of my house. A learning moment if i ever had one. Now i'm the bad guy for a change.
thepointybird
Hey all,

I'm new to this thread, but don't know who else to share with, so here goes.... I'm about to move to a new city & have met this guy through Facebook who already lives there. He's so incredibly cute and he has actually gone out of his way to try & help me get a job there and whatnot. We've been talking almost every night on FB Chat for hours, and as I get to know him I like him more and more. Bu he has this close friend who's a girl, and I kind of get the sense that he's really into her and hoping for their relationship to be more. It's difficult, we have a lot of fun chatting online and it has been quite flirty, but I'm not really sure how to approach the whole thing. We've already agreed that we'll hang out when I'm there next weekend (I'm not officially moving for another month or so), and I'm super nervous because I think that once we meet my attraction to him is going to go into overdrive, but I feel a bit vulnerable because of this other girl (who, BTW I have seen photos of and is beautiful and also sounds really cool). I don't know if I should just go there with an open mind and maybe make some good new friends of both of them, or what. At this point I can't really stop thinking about him, and I hate feeling this vulnerable and competitive about a girl I have never met. I don't know what to do!
futura
Thepointybird, i get from your post that you haven't met him yet. So when you guys meet up, just see how it goes. Then you can see IRL how he and this girl interact. All you know now is info you got through him. When you hang out you can see for yourself. I try not to go into cliches like 'keep an open mind' though, in this stage, it's the best thing to do i think.
You have all this anticipation and buildup; you won't know all these things you think are going on and what you will feel when you see him, when you see him. If that makes sense. Let us know how it turns out.

Meanwhile, i try to keep on the sane end of the ol' spectrum.
futura
And yes, finally there was the 180, last night. Fucker.

We had a lot to drink, i admit, but hey, if you declare your love to me i can try to kiss you, right? If not, we can hash it out in a mature way. Not. He retracted everything he said, which leaves me wondering why i slept in his bed...what that meant. When i asked him he said he didn't know. I was in tears. I walked away, home. I can't believe you say all that and a couple days later you say it was all in the vein of 'friendship'. I was so upset i sent him a text last night, saying i never want to see him again. And, really, what's left anyaway? I can't go back to being friends, not after what he said to me, not after what he did to me last night.
I am so sad. How could he do this to me? I even feel a bit guilty about bringing it all to the surface yesterday. But what was i to do? I wanted thing to be a little bit more clear. We even talked on Tuesday and i never said anything about just being friends, that the whole relationshippy kinda thing and his declaration meant nothing.

This wil pass, i know. But i'm crying right now.
anna k
(((futura))) He sounds like such a pissant, a jerk who says something then is immature and tries to take it back. It's so childish and rude how he isn't straight with you and plays these mindgames. I hope that you're feeling better today, and have do something to relax or have fun.

Thepointybird, just take it easy and have fun, don't place a lot of these preconcieved notions. I've learned that people can be pretty different than whatever idea of them I had initially, and it's not good for you to let your mind wander with all these scenarios and comparisons.

Last Sunday night I hung out with some friends from dance class, and I mentioned to them that I had a little crush on the guy who was in our class (he's been gone for months now), but had felt shy towards him. They went, "Oh, but he's the nicest, sweetest guy ever," and mentioned that he was working on writing or producing a screenplay with a friend, and I thought, he's into the film business? Aw, I intern at a film magazine and write reviews! It made me kind of feel silly for having been so shy earlier this year.

Not much with dating. It seems like lately I've gone out with guys via OKCupid, and they've been more nerdy guys who are nice as friends, but I can't feel any physical attraction towards them. Like into video games and horror films and the like. One guy I went out with (who I met through a horror movie fan club) was rude and obnoxious, and I didn't answer his messages to me. Last week, he sent me a nasty email because I had never contacted him again and we were at the same Halloween party, and he sounded so bitter and pissed, comparing me to another woman who he called a "psycho party animal bitch" and that I hurt his feelings and if I cared about him at all, I would write back to prove myself, just stuff like that. If anybody wants to read it and laugh, I can PM it to you.

When I went out with my dance friends, one of them ended up flirting and getting the number of a cute guy, and I had fun chatting with him and his friends, but didn't feel like flirting with his friends, I just enjoyed the conversation with no expectations, and felt good about myself.
geekchickknits
Hi all! Haven't posted here for a long time, but I'm totally crushing on someone who came back into my life recently, and need some perspective. A little history....

He was the first guy I slept with after my ex 3.5 years ago, and we've kept in touch on and off since then, on an exclusively sexual level. About a 1.5 year ago I was seeing dancerboy and told him so. He reacted badly, and I told him not to contact me again. A month ago I went back on my old messenger account, and he contacted me, asking if it was ok for him to do so. I said yes (because he had respected my prior request) but let him know that I was no longer looking for casual hook-ups - if he wanted to date me to see if we had anything in common besides sex chemistry, I'd say yes to that. He asked me out to dinner - we haven't gone on the date yet, but we've been chatting and texting everyday (70-80 texts between us on one of the days) since then and I am COMPLETELY INFATUATED. He says he's infatuated with me too (apparently I've been haunting his dreams.)

On paper he's the perfect guy for me: tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, slightly geeky, great lover, ambitious, driven, with a good job, and doing side projects he loves. I think we'd be good matches for each other. However....

I'm worried that I'm getting ahead of myself (already having fantasies of playing house) and that given what I know about his history, I'm not entirely sure that he can be monogamous, which is what I want, and he knows that. I'm trying to relax and enjoy the ride, but I'm feeling a little obsessed, and that's not normal for me.

*Whew* Really needed to vent and share. Thanks!
girl_logic
Okay I don't have much relationship experience, but geekchick, that sounds so exciting. I wonder if part of what's fueling your infatuation might even be the risk and question marks involved.
girltrouble
and geek, he is someone that you have a history with, not some stranger. just try to reign yourself in, see how it goes first. smile.gif

futura-- he sounds like an utter shit. good riddance=bad rubbish

so yesterday i hung out with the artist formerly known as crushgirl, or so i thought. a brief history of crushgirl: she is a friend of a friend from FB. online we flirted, and cracked each other up. i got the instant sense that she and i would be fast friends. in getting to know me she didn't just ask the right questions, she asked the right questions you'd ask if you were interested in dating someone like me ( a transgendered person i.e. do you like boys or girls?-- most people just assume i like boys) we met, and got on like a house on fire, talking like cackling hens all night. we had a falling out a while back just after meeting-- she sent me a suggestive email, but when i asked her about it, it turned into a mess. she got back to me, and apologized. my crush was pretty much done at that point.

she has been talking about getting together to see movies-- a passion she and i share. like me she won't bat an eye seeing 4 movies in a row. a week ago we saw a turkey of a movie, but we giggled thru it, and the friendship was re kindled. yesterday she asked if i wanted to meet her for food, then a movie in the afternoon. we started off trying to meet at a an indian place, after a snafu, we met and talked about old relationships, and having falling outs with friends-- hers and mine, never having a pause in the conversation. that instant friendship was there. we saw one movie, then snuck into a second, then left and came back for a third before calling it a night.

along the way there was a wee bit of tentative flirting, she considers herself bi, although she said she gave up dating women, acos there was too much drama. that said, her main gf was very butch, and had no problem dealing with other people's bullshit. but there were a couple of, i hate to say it, IS/WGM. ignorant straight/white girl moments. i know it's pro'lly fucked up of me to say, but the last two people i've dated were VERY familiar with black culture, as are most people i know. Mr. T, was well known in black hoods in seattle, always running into people who called her sister, and was deep in the dyke community, and was familiar with trans issues. so i never had to explain anything to her or my gf before her. crushgirl said a couple of things that, quite honestly were cringe worthy. but i figure there is always a learning curve, and she seems like she is capable of learning/getting shit for saying dumbstuff, so it should be ok.

i am kinda getting a bit of a crush on her again, inspite of myself. she is charming, and i think she might be seeing some of my charms. she seemed a bit jealous that i was flirting with other people. i didn't even think of it that way, i just feel so comfortable around her, that i am free to be silly and goofy and that feeling of being at ease with myself makes me very playful, so i seem like a terrible flirt. i forgot i had that side of myself. it's good to have it back.
auralpoison
As long as you & crushgirl are on the same page (And it sounds like you are! I'm glad she apologised because she should have after being all shysty.) I say have at it! Enjoy yourself!
girltrouble
yeah, we even talked about that, too. she's very good about pausing to think things thru, but it would seem, most of her friends, and i, are not.

it's a weird, fucked up friendship still tho. we hang out for 9 hours, laugh and bullshit, and she emailed me yesterday to go see another movie, but i thought that might be a bit much so i came up with an excuse. but i still don't have her phone number. i know she's had to change her number several times because of bullshit, but she knows i'm pretty close to phone phobic, and she made a comment about how must taurus peeps don't like phones. so what's the hold up? honestly, she is all kinds of mixed messages, i'm just gonna try and keep that in mind, and not put my heart or energy into the friendship. if i'm not doing anything, great, we'll hang out have a good time, but till she gives me the number, i'm gonna try not to give it a second thought.
sevenseconds
dear gt wub.gif ,
just a thought to add to the confusion:
control freaks/ people who are afraid of getting too attached too quick (because we do!) have this issue with giving their number... (talking about me now:) Before i give it, when I am the only one who can initiate contact, I have this sweet playful whimsical attitude towards getting together that gives me emotional permission to express myself and initiate it... And after I give my number, I hate knowing they CAN call me but they aren't. That thought drives me crazy. Also, while you're the only one who can initiate contact, you feel free to compulsively call and offer to hang outside the common sense rules (like she did with that second invite) and once you give the number, it's like, ok, now I'm supposed to follow the rules and/or wait for THEM to return the interest, and you get all doubty and insecure, sensitive flower style.
Not sticking up for the girl, just thinking out loud.
Gender-fog-wise, giving your number kind of turns you from the *boy* (active, seeking) into the *girl* (passive, waiting). Which people with issues about being a *boy*, like me, have trouble with, apparently.
(Anyway, I just became aware of this dynamic reading your post, haven't thought about it long enough to be sure.)

Yay for the new development, but do guard your heart. People who are afraid to be hurt are quick to hurt others to protect themselves. I have to remind me: "Don't wear your wound on your sleeve, 7, no one can hurt you without your consent."

I can also watch 3 or 4 movies in one sitting, I love that.

PS: Yeah, I call myself 7 in my thoughts;)
sevenseconds
What I'm saying is, she might be afraid that you won't call her enough (to make her feel wanted). Not that you'll call too much.
But I'm projecting.
zoya
I don't try to read into things anymore. If someone is sending me mixed messages, then fuck em. I look at them as friends or fun to be with, but just remind myself that at the end of the day they are crazymakers, and I value my sanity too much these days. If someone can't do anything but play games with me, then to hell with them. Yes, there is some room for early flirting and not knowing exactly what is going on at the beginning, but it becomes pretty apparent pretty quickly what is verging on "game" territory. fuck 'em.

(easier said than done, of course, but I do try to remember that these days and it has helped my sanity tremendously)
girltrouble
thanks for the theory, seven, you gots a good set o' brains on top of your neck. it's certainly workable, and it sounds pretty viable too. she asked if i wanted to go see a movie tonight. she's totally gonna stalk me. wacko.gif i said i didn't have enough $$$, which isn't true. i like her but it seems like a bit much.... when you won't give me your number. sorry. just doesn't.

zoya, yeah, it's kinda weird, i'm kinda like i wanna go see the movie, but wtf?! perhaps i should just let her stew. i dunno. but i try to remind myself i don't have something as basic as her number and that brings me right back down to earth.
zoya
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Nov 9 2009, 03:52 PM) *
thanks for the theory, seven, you gots a good set o' brains on top of your neck. it's certainly workable, and it sounds pretty viable too. she asked if i wanted to go see a movie tonight. she's totally gonna stalk me. wacko.gif i said i didn't have enough $$$, which isn't true. i like her but it seems like a bit much.... when you won't give me your number. sorry. just doesn't.

zoya, yeah, it's kinda weird, i'm kinda like i wanna go see the movie, but wtf?! perhaps i should just let her stew. i dunno. but i try to remind myself i don't have something as basic as her number and that brings me right back down to earth.



yeah, agreed. number is basic shit, especially if you're hanging out even as friends. that would bring me right back down to earth too. That would be a total red flag in my book. you should have someone who is proud to give you their number, and proud to have you on their arm. Fuck that bullshit of you having to work for it. maybe it is "fear," on her part, but speaking for myself, I don't wanna go out with someone who is afraid from the get go. I'd rather hang with a more fully realized person. sorry for being harsh, I'm just not putting up with ANY shit lately. can't be bothered to waste my time.
auralpoison
QUOTE(sevenseconds @ Nov 9 2009, 05:38 PM) *
What I'm saying is, she might be afraid that you won't call her enough (to make her feel wanted).


This chick is most assuredly a game player that likes to have a million adoring fans, GT & I agreed on this way back when. BUT. GT has this gal's number, metaphorically anyways & is definitely on top o' the sitch.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Nov 9 2009, 01:49 AM) *
and geek, he is someone that you have a history with, not some stranger. just try to reign yourself in, see how it goes first. smile.gif


It's the reigning in that's the hard part. lol

Well, it looks like Thursday is going to be the big date! I'm really looking forward to it; I love the feeling I get when I think about him - simultaneously giddy and turned on - and whenever I feel the hamster in my head start running frantically on his wheel, I tell myself to breathe, tell him to slow down, and allow myself to just enjoy the feeling. Even if nothing else comes of it but this feeling, in this moment, that's ok, and I'm glad I'm feeling it.

Once I started doing that, and stopped thinking about all the things I could say or do to fuck it it up, I felt much better. And I have an actual day set which helps too. tongue.gif

gt, I totally sympathize with you. I used to date someone with a similar issue of using a pay-as-you-go phone but not filling up when it ran out for days/weeks. I had his number, but it was useless and I just had to assume that when it was back up, he would call me. I'm with seven that this is a control issue for her, and you are doing exactly the right thing.
futura
Geek, it sounds like you got the right attitude going!

GT, i never thought i'd put up with difficult crazy mixed signals persons, but here i am. I don't really have good advice or anything to say on the subject, but i think you rule the school. This girl should be glad you give her the opportunity to hang out with you.

Zoya, a lot of what you posted resonates with me. Hell, it may not always be easy, but your attitude, well, i'm ging to adopt it.

I had a couple of missed calls from fc the last few days. Yesterday evening i was getting ready to go out with friends, seeing Grizzly Bear play.
I've been stewing in rage the last couple of days. That's how it works with me. I like to think that i'm an open person, but when push comes to shove i bottle everything up, creating this huge wave of resentment. I decided to get everything out. I called fc. He picked up the phone, seeing that it was me calling. I didn't say anything at first, so he started apologizing. I was afraid that my voice wouldn't be steady, that i would get all emotional. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but i wanted to say certain things, and not get messed up.
In the end it was him with an unsteady voice and me just getting it all out. The town i live in is not that big and i know i will run into him sooner or later. I don't want drama, and i don't want to avoid him if that means i can't go wherever i want to go.

He admitted that after i slept in his bed, he didn't have the guts to say it had been a mistake. I offered him ways out the following morning, he didn't take the opportunity to do so. I said i was getting tired of all these mixed messages he sends, while he didn't know anything about how much i like him. I have long repressed this, even for myself. I'm all 'cool tough girl' and apparently he didn't see through that.
His friends and my friends did see through that and they've berated him for not seeing as well.
For me, in the end, it all boils down to the fact he kissed me, caught me totally off-guard, and said all these things which made me think there was a future, if even remotely.
I said he hurt me, that it was crazy to think you can say all that and make a mental u-turn the next time you see me, that being friends is about respect and that means that you can't have it all, say it all whenever you want, you have to respect some boundaries.

I shook him up quite bad with me causing a scene last weekend. He stood there frozen listening to me raging about the situation and yelling at him that i never wanted to see him again. I said i meant that. At that time i didn't care, i just wanted to hurt him as bad as he'd hurt me.

He understands he totally fucked up. He said there's a screw loose somewhere in his head. You got that right. So apparently i am his best friend. And he can't stand to lose our friendship. It's a little late for that. He asked if i ever wanted to see me again. Silence on my part. I said that i had other things to do first. I don't want to promise anything because he doesn't deserve that.

My friends are giving him a hard time. I didn't ask for that. I asked them to stay out of it, because it's my business, i can handle it. But my male best friend is a team guy. And right now he's on my team, kind of like an older brother. Fc knows this. He was like 'well, he's your friend. I understand he acts out like that toward me. I'll just have to accept it.'

And i remember what i have written about fc in here. I'm not that smitten to see he's a fuck-up. I didn't even want us to be a couple. But it's still confusing.

I feel better now. I had a good time at the gig last night. When i woke up this morning i realized i'm still mad at him. And i think that's fine.

I didn't mean to be so long winded, and i know he doesn't deserve me, i know he's an immature brat. But i had to get it all out anyway.
geekchickknits
futura, that's bullshit! I think you've got your head on straight about this guy, and now that you've been completely honest with him, the rage will dissipate faster than you think.

and as for my sitch....

texted and chatted online for almost 3 hours last night. told me he's never wanted someone so bad before and that he thinks we're both crazy about each other. wub.gif i agreed. thursday can't come fast enough.

PS I am NEVER like this. normally if a guy is contacting me everyday i'm all like "back off, stalker!" but it's ok...i just gotta roll with it and enjoy it smile.gif
girltrouble
she is a terrible flirt. hmph. other people's replies omitted.
a facebook post:
crushgirl enjoys flirting with boys she could eat for breakfast.
me you eat boys for breakfast?! what do you eat for dinner?
crushgirl T-girls.
me wait.... does this mean i get to tell you to eat me?! whooooo!
sevenseconds
Did you say that last thing, gt? Or think it?
Just checkin;)
girltrouble
oh, i said it. daily i tell someone to eat me. i'm a potty mouth.

it's a riot. she emailed me today, offering to spring for a movie. i told her she didn't have to. tomorrow is her day off. so we are going to a bar for happy hour, then a movie. it's hilarious: she has asked me to see a movie every day this week. lol. i've started giving her a complement or two. not too much. i'm playing micro-hard to get. she knows i like her, but i can't be at her beck and call. the new excuse is working on paintings, so i can "not go" to anything. we'll go out, have a ball, but since i can't call her... well that limits our contact. i wanna see what happens when i spend a day or two off of FB working on my paintings....

but i keep reminding myself: don't have her number, meh. whatever. nothing more than an acquaintance.
girltrouble
i don't know how to read her.
the first couple of times we hung out, she made a point to say she was going to look like hell(her words, not mine), but yesterday she spent the day in her pjs but put on make up and looked cute knowing it was just gonna be me. o_o the plan was drinks, happy hour foods and a movie, we ended up seeing 2.5 movies, and going for dessert and more drinks we ended seeing saw6, around midnite. we teased each other relentlessly, both laughed so hard that drinks went up our noses, and when i said, i'm usually not as animated as i am when i'm hanging out with her, she told me the same. she said she thinks of herself as shy...

i forgot how funny, and wounding hanging out with a new friend was. on the upside, when we walk around she is constantly talking about guys checking me out, on the downside, some (untintentionally) painful questions and observations about how people react to me.

::sigh::
sevenseconds
Aww, thanks for the props, gt. wub.gif

*I wanna be gt when i grow up!*

So, crushgirl's new to dating in the gender woods, right?
I am so tempted to keep tripping out loud on why she is doing what she's doing/ what's going on in her head... but I will so resist because I don't want to be putting a human spin to hurtful behavior, nor to even remotely help tip your balance towards going deeper with her, gt, just to find out if I'm right (not that i have that much semantic power;): Cuz if she's hurting you, she's hurting you. You don't wanna rationalize that.

Also, an overdue disclaimer: when I'm tripping on why someone does something, I am not sticking up for them. It's just that spinning theories on why we do what we do is one of my... to put it mildly, interests in life. It's really hard for me to resist doing it. But I realize it can be perceived as justifying the bad guys. So when I stumble and do it, I guess I'm applying for a *Tree of knowledge* waiver?
girltrouble
well, she's dated women before, but never a t-girl. her sister has dated a transexual before, but i think that was a boi (f2m). in CG's case she said that she looked so masculine that they would get the stink eye when they both went into the ladies room, and people would ask her, "why don't you just date a man?" and question her attraction to this woman. it could be just that she is attracted to the masculine end of the gender scale, no matter what body they have, which puts me solidly out of the running, no matter what is between my legs.

and it's not so much she's hurting me as much as confusing me.
sevenseconds
(((((gt)))))

(for this and the letters thread).

The OCD divining routines I mentioned I get into? I just ran one of them online after I read your letter (Osho Zen Tarot, it's pretty cool, never fails to tell me what i know but don't want to know: As in "observe your destruction as if it were happening to someone else". Heh.)
But for you, a pretty sweet card fell out:

PLAYFULNESS

"The moment you start seeing life as non-serious, a playfulness, all the burden on your heart disappears. All the fear of death, of life, of love - everything disappears. One starts living with a very light weight or almost no weight. So weightless one becomes, one can fly in the open sky...

Life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be, and when we recognize this fact, it responds by giving us more and more opportunities to play.

(there is a picture here)
The woman in this card is celebrating the joy of being alive, like a butterfly that has emerged from its chrysalis into the promise of the light. She reminds us of the time when we were children, discovering seashells on the beach or building castles in the sand without any concern that the waves might come and wash them away in the next moment. She knows that life is a game, and she's playing the part of a clown right now with no sense of embarrassment or pretense.

When the Page of Fire enters your life, it is a sign that you are ready for the fresh and the new. Something wonderful is just on the horizon, and you have just the right quality of playful innocence and clarity to welcome it with open arms."

I know it's cheesy but...
Hope consulting the gods wasn't out of line;)
girltrouble
oh-kay. she's totally breaking my brainsis.

we hung out, had a light dinner, drank....a lot. and i'm all teasing her by being a total dork, rubbing my pint glass between my boobs. when we hang out, we are totally silly, and she's telling me not to do that, acos she can't look at my cleavage like that cos i'm her friend. so i'm solidly in the friend zone. le suck, but ok. she wants to go to a midnight showing of roadhouse, i decline, not because i'm pouty about being just a friend, but because i'ma fall asleep within the first 15 min. of the movie. it's just not that interesting to me. so i walk her to the bus stop, wait for her bus to arrive and i skate home. she said she sent me her phone number, but i think, yeah whatever.

i get home take off my make up, and fire up my puter to tell her i got home ok, when i get a call. it's crushgirl. she says she left her keys at work and rented a "bomb ass hotel room." she's telling me i ought to come over. she'd even pay for the cab. she doesn't want to be alone, cos the place has ghosts. i ask her if she's drunk, she says, kinda.... ii laugh and tell her if i did come over, by the time i'd get there, she'd have passed out, and i'd be on the other side of town, unable to get into her room. or she'd pass out in 5 minutes, after i got there, and i'd be wide awake....she asks me to come over then she says she has to pee, and she'd call me back... and we spnd 2.5 hrs on the phone.
zoya
GT -

but did she ever give you her phone number, or is she the one doing the calling??

did she ever make it clear that she wants to hang out with you in more than a friends kind of way or is it all just upping the level of tease?

I know what you want, lady, you want to date someone - or at least have a best friend / lover you can count on.

I have been through enough crap situations to know that a tease isn't a promise, and she's not promising anything. It's all still veiled in smoke and mirrors.

make her step up to the plate and state her intentions before you do anything.

tough love here, chica, tough love.

I expect you to do the same to me when and if I'm in a similar situation.

smile.gif
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.