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kittenb
While some of the dialogue I am about to write here might be condensed, I swear, none of it is made up and the general idea and theme remains true:

HIM: I noticed I have sociopathic tendencies.
ME: In what way?
HIM: I was not born w/ a conscience. I had to teach myself what is right and wrong from things that I read and stuff like that. In many ways it is superior to what everyone else has because I had to work for it.

Can I just say, "Dating is fun!" I should tell this guy what my best friend told me; "You have to hide the 'crazy' for at least two dates."
maimy
The truly hilarious part for me is hearing this said in the voice of an America's Next Top Model contestant who said something amusingly similar last cycle ...

*Aieeeeeeeee!!!!*
emtee
I was asked out by a co-worker last night:

"So, I was thinking we could go get some Swiss Chalet and take it back to my place, then I'd drive you home in the morning."

Uh, no thanks, guy old enough to be my dad. I'll pass.
pepper
eeewwwwww! that is so not tasty. ick.
auralpoison
I fear anything that has the word "chalet" in it that doesn't involve a foreign country. Our local adult hotel with the creepy fantasy rooms is called the Mon Chalet. I can't imagine going somewhere to have sex where I positively knew that the people there before me likely had hot monkey sex, too. I worked in the hotel/motel industry & people do *NASTY* shit in rooms that they'd *NEVER* do at home. NASTY, NASTY shit.
maimy
It sounds so 1969 hipster-suave wannabe guy ...

And NOT in a good way. Eugh.
aquagirl2
Aural, I feel like you're holding out on us...stories about the hotel industry and nasty shit, please!

I went out with a guy from match.com once who gave me a homemade CD of his new-age synthesizer music. Then, we sat down to dinner, and I ordered a salad, and pasta, or something, and he said "nothing for me, thanks." (this is a RESTAURANT, not a bar with munchies.) I just stared at him and said "um, how can you not be eating anything?" and he said "ok, I'll get a pizza to take home." and I said "I'm not going to sit here and eat an appetizer and entree while you watch me eat." Lord.

There were some fun nice girls laughing at the table next to us and I followed them into the bathroom so I could tell them I was on my worst date ever.
hellotampon
Yeah AP, I want to hear stories!

My boyfriend and I have actually talked about staying a hotel nearby sometime, so we can do our own "nasty shit" without the constant presence of roommates and other people who NEVER GO AWAY.

Are we going to have to bring our own sheets, water glasses, etc.?
luckyme
Met a guy on Nerve. His emails to me were short and weird but I figured his picture was okay and I didn't have anything better to do. Big mistake. I show up at the meeting place and he eyeballs me like I'm a car he's about to buy. He doesn't introduce himself, just swaggers up, kisses me on the cheek and says, "let's go."

Okay, so we go for a beer. I'm chugging mine so I can get out of there. He keeps taking inventory of my body - I can tell he's not quite sure if my curves are his cup of tea (think 1950's pinup - thank you very much). He berates me for telling him he seems aloof, "why do you care what I think of you." Um, this is a first date, right? Acts surprised when I say I'm leaving and is on his cell phone before I even get my coat on. Idiot.

So many bad first dates I can barely muster the energy to continue... definitely off Nerve for good.
auralpoison
As per request I have posted over with the Grossies so as not to derail this much further.

Sometimes the hotel thing is all romantical & shit, but going to a fantasy sex hotel seems weird. I've always found 'Me Tarzan, you Jane' & 'Let's fuck like it's 2001. Think you could make sex noises like Hal?' to be cliche. So cheesy & leisure suit-y. At the Chalet, they have several free porn channels that come with the room & several, ahem, public nude areas. It's like, hey, welcome to the key party! You fuck my wife, I'll fuck yours. Or some oily guy deciding he digs you & starts jerkin' it. A honeymoon is one thing, but that shit's just too weird for me & I'm pretty kinky.
katiebelle2882
One guy messaged me on myspace so i answered back after looking at his profile. he started asking all these questions, what do you do, how old are you, do you have a sister etc etc. i wrote back, asshole, if you even GLANCED at my profile, you would know the answered to these questions. especially my age seeing as how its on top of the profile in full view. ugh. idiot. to his credit he wrote back that he was sorry for being a dick and that i was right but honestly, if you are that stupid from day one, you are already out of the running.
erinjane
katiebelle, the same thing happens to me all the time on myspace. It's become kind of a game to make fun of the idiots.
natulik
I was thinking of going back to online dating recently, just because I'm getting bored of being so single all the time. So I was going back the memory lane and thinking "well....why not... I met some good people, right?"
Then I remembered this Italian mamma's boy Psych student I met off Plentyoffish.com. Anyways, he was 29, I'm 20. Conversation goes:

me: so where do you live?
him: oh, still with my parents. can't imagine living alone...must be so hard...
me: nah, it's fine. I'm working, studying, and still manage.
him: really? So *pause* do you *pause* like make grocery lists when you go grocery shopping? Because..I've never gone in my life and wouldn't know what to buy....
me: um huh.

Yeah....needless to say I never spoke to him again. But he's still on my msn list, and all of his "status" meassages are about this girl he's dating. It's awful. The latest one was "missing my princess Dalia!".

Some people are strange.
zoya
"I'm not the guy who goes away... I'm just not that guy"

... says guy who I was very close with and knew that I was real gun shy because the last two guys I dated went totally south on me - as in dropping out of my life all together - literally overnight. I started seeing him, and 2 months later, he does pretty much the same thing. fuckers.
kendallina
I have so many quotes of stupid things dates have told me, but here is a real stand-out:

This was on a first date...

"Why won't you give me a bj? We're both adults."

I forgot that since I could vote, smoke, and drink I was required to give my dates bjs on the first meeting. Silly me!
demoness
Some of the profoundly stupid things one of my dates has said to me:

"Ive slept with a couple REALLY HOT, SEXY chicks before, your different though" ....

and....

"Ive been in several serious, committed relationships; they've all lasted about a month"


oh and heres one that deserves a stupidity nobel prize...

"My ex was too frigid; she'd only orgasm once"

*sigh*....men say the darnest things....
demoness
"My ex was too frigid; she'd only orgasm once"

and....

"Ive been in several serious, committed relationships; they've all lasted about a month"


oh and heres one that deserves a stupidity nobel prize...

"Ive slept with a couple REALLY HOT, SEXY chicks before, your different though" ....

*sigh*....men say the darnest things....
pepper
d, those are good enough to deserve two separate posts. seriously. "you're different though" different as in i won't be one that sleeps with you different or what? gah.
demoness
Something along those lines Pepper. When he said that he was actually bragging about how he'd had so many one night stands with all these pretty, hot, sexy chicks. Needless to say i obviously didnt measure up to them.
crazyoldcatlady
natulik- I had to post; the thing about that guy's msg status made me laugh. I don't know how many away messages I've looked at from "adults" (mid to late 20's) that read more like 14 year old girl diaries.

-"SOOOOOOOooooo in love!!! Miss you!"
-"Baking cookies, then hanging out with my mom, then the STEELERS GAME! YAY STEELERS" (crazyoldcatlady editorial: eff the steelers)
-some horrible quote along the lines of "when the stars align, you know you've found the one you're meant to be with. hugs!"

:::shudder:::

i digress.
sixelacat
Not a date, just the worst come on line in a loooong time:
Customer at service counter where I work (twitchy, skinny black guy) "So I see you're not married....y'know, I don't usually go light but I'd make an exception for YOU"

me: "I don't date men and I will never make an exception for YOU"

him: "Now see, we have something in common. What are you doing Saturday night?"


ugh. no clue.
sassygrrl
After having two beers on a bad date tonight: "You're fat and drunk." This guy wasn't great: Republican, fat himself, didn't read, and had a very bad speech impediment. Not to mention he was an asshole. The worst thing he didn't mention the speech thing.


saktii
Okay, I once met this guy (we'll call him Mr. Durden), on myspace and he seemed sweet, funny, and cute. We had some mutual friends and hung out in the same places, so we made a date to meet up.
We decide to go to a club. On the way there, he tells me, "You'd look cuter if you still had the red hair." I reply, "You were cuter before you opened your mouth".
We go to the club, are hanging out together and with mutual friends, and I do some dancing. At one point, I decide to go out for a smoke where I see Mr. Durden at the curb with some guy hailing a taxi! I walk up to him and he says, "It's been great, and I'm leaving now. Talk to you later?"
Mr. Durden leaves, and I think to myself, "Well, i guess he didn't like me that much."
A week later he sends me an email telling me how much fun he had and we should get together again!!!!
What a fucking putz.
anna_k
Sassygrrl, is that one of those guys who rate a 2 on the attractiveness scale but feel they deserve a 10?
pepper
what a clueless asshat. sounds like he's checking out how rotten you'll let him treat you. don't give in, set the bar way up high.
sassygrrl
anna, yeah! I thought of that old Bill Maher joke: "I am such an 8, and you are so a 2..." or something like that.
Satki, what an assclown.
saktii
thank god i have a boyfriend now, and can spare myself the torture of first dates!
saktii
thank god i have a boyfriend now, and can spare myself the torture of first dates!
sassygrrl
Yay for you saktii! There are a few dark horses in the running that seems to have good chances. I'll know more about them when we hang out this weekend. They seem like they both have brains, which is a total plus.
dirtybunny
The best / most idiotic are these two:

I went out with this guy on 2 dates, he was intelligent, hot and pretty chill all things that I liked. While we were at his place fooling around, at some point my shirt came off. While I was sitting cowgirl my bra too came off! The guys eyes glazed over and all he mumbled was "You haves the coolest boobs I've ever seen"...This was very flattering but he sounded like a 6 year old with a lisp getting the coolest Transformer ever! He totally ruined it, I felt so self concious I put my shirt back on and things didn't go too much further...think he forgot to think to himself and not outloud!

Another time at a bar, this guy I knew but wish I didn't kept following me around saying the cheesiest stuff it hurt! At one point he says "If you lost weight do you think your boobs would get smaller?" (I'm a nice size 14 with a 36E and happy for the most part with myself) I looked at him smiled and asked "Do you think if you gained a few you'd get a bigger dick?" Oh my god the guy shut up and since then whenever I see him he just smiles and stays a good 3 feet away from me! I think I he must have had a teeny weiny!
pepper
oh shit, that is too funny.
sassygrrl
That's fucking hillarious. I must remember that line. :-) I talked to my crush boy today at work during lunch (I don't work with him. He called me). We're supposed to be going to this music fest on Sunday afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed... ;)
citrussss
after a romantic first evening with a perfect gentleman. we dance we finally kiss by the water...

"I want to take things slow" awww, sweet...

"you should know, I need to put ME first. Its something I'm dealing with with my therapist, mostly because of my deeply buried, strict religious upbringing"


yeah...step away from the date...now.

bklynhermit
deeply buried strict religious upbringing?

like it was only through therapy that he discovered he had a strict religious upbringing?

he had repressed memories of a strict religious upbringing?

just the phrasing there is HILARIOUS!

it's times like this i'm glad i'll die a lonely spinster.
maimy
Blyknhermit, EXACTLY what I was thinking.

Dullard. Moron. Halfwit.
citrussss
I had to had to add this, dullard (see my post below) e-mailed me to APOLOGIZE for being so wierd, and to furthar explain his religion "issues". No call, an E-mail.

WTF?

now, I am speechless, just speechless.
natulik
citusss - how do you go around "explaining" something like that in an email.... could you quote him for us, please? I'm just too curious....

mornington
ok... I don't come in here often but... I have to share this with the world (ok, busties)

"is this the biggest cock you've ever had?"

the simple answer: no.
*exit stage left*
lucizoe
oh, man. I mean, what do you say to that?

See, I would have turned on the sarcasm. "Oh, my god! It's so huge! I could chip a tooth on that. THAT explains why you walk with your knuckles draggin on the ground! Your ginormous penis is so weighty that you can't walk upright!"
maimy
Oh, man, Mornington - I'd have snorted the milk in my cereal from three weeks previously. HOW LAME. !!!! (Luci, LMFAO!)
pepper
no he didn't. that's just tragic. even if it were true i'd have walked, what a dork.
sybarite
Erg. That reminds me... an ex telling me, in bed: 'Girls have told me I'm the best they've ever had.'

Okay. You don't need any more affirmation from me, then. Also, that kind of personal PR is guaranteed to make you take more notice... of what he's doing wrong. Sheesh.
maimy
Back in the early 90s, but still too late for the miniature 80s rockstar-wannabe who came up to me and said this, I was told "I can make it vibrate."

Dude.

If I wanted a vibrator, I certainly wouldn't have to waste time on overcompensating little mooks like you. Pipsqueak.

*POOF* BEGONE!
cellijenni
I was dating this guy...and instead of coming out and saying he wanted to get a little more freaky in the sheets, he used this line while we were eating lunch at a resturaunt:

You know, sex with you is GREAT. Its like a turkey club...i'm always down for a turkey club, ya know?? But sometimes, I'm in the mood for some mangoe salsa.

WTF??? If we weren't in a public place I would have smacked him.
venetia
My cod, I would have taken that to mean he wanted some man on man action with someone else. Talk about When Metaphors Are Not Your Friend.
katiebelle2882
mornington,

I had a guy ask me that too. Its like, unless your cock is a good 12 inches large, why would you EVER risk being told "not even close". thats something that, if i was a dude, i would want to be pretty secure in before asking.

as it so happens, the guy that asked me was on the ahem, smaller side.

knowing full well I was not a virgin, it would have behooved him to maybe NOT have assumed that for the last 4 years the only people I was having sex with were 2 inches under the average.
storminmad
After a nice shaggin:
"I have to do my best not to think of other girls."

Eh?
maimy
Oh yikes, Stormin ... (PLEASE tell us that's not the guy who doesn't give oral!)
alligator
ok... I don't come in here often but... I have to share this with the world (ok, busties)

"is this the biggest cock you've ever had?"

the simple answer: no.
*exit stage left*


Alternate answer: "No, but I was raised on a chicken farm."
maimy
LMFAO ...
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