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lananans
I got really angry in the summer when my roommate would stay at home all the time (due to lack of job), while I would be at work 40 hours a week and she wouldn't clean up at all. Also, the one thing that she does that drives me INSANE is leave empty boxes everywhere. Like I'll open the fridge and think that we have ice cream sandwiches, only to realize that it's an empty box of ice cream sandwiches that she left there because she's too lazy to throw it out. She does that with cereal, crackers, spaghetti, everything. It's sooooo annoying. That and the fact that I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how to change a toilet paper roll. She always leaves it perched on top of the holder, as if she can't figure it out. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn't be surprised.
phobia
OMG, hellotampon, that sounds awful. But if he's not working, how does he pay rent? If your BF is in any way supporting him (e.g., paying more than half the bills or rent), I think he's got a decent claim to tell him to shape up or ship out, you know? Some people just have no clue how to function as adults. God, that pisses me off so much. I hated living with people and nearly lost friendships because of it. Since my boyfriend and I have moved into our own place (six or seven years ago), it's been smooth sailing. Seems like you can deal with "roomate" issues a little easier when you're romatically involved -- at least for me. Good luck and I hope you keep sane!!!
erinjane
I'm so unbelievably hurt right now and I can't get myself to stop crying.

It was my birthday on the 1st, and I was just gonna let it slide by this year without getting together with friends because a lot of my friends don't drink, and my three closest friends I see on a regular basis anyways. But then I came up with a great idea to go to the halloween corn maze which was supposed to be tonight.

A month ago tons of people were supposed to come. Last week the guest list slowly started to dwindle. A friends grandma died so him and his girlfriend aren't coming (completely understandable, and they're totally exempt from my anger), some people backed out without reason, others told me they're feeling kind of sick, etc. Today I get an email from one of my best friends saying she's sick and can't run around outside, plus she just broke up with her boyfriend, so hers was also understandable, but I was still hurt. But I know what she's going through at the same time because I was there two years in very similar circumstances. Then her sister, my other best friend says she's not going to go either so she can talk with her sister. I can understand this, but we were going out to the damn maze for 2 hours.

I know that she's hurting and in a lot of pain and it's just a birthday party but when they cut out, as of 1 hour ago it was going to be me, two friends, so I called it off because I'm feeling kind of humiliated and really upset. I mean, i organized this a month ago. It's my goddamn birthday! And this big party is me and two friends? No one seems to realize how upsetting it is to have virtually no one come to your party, including two of your best friends. It really feels like no one cares. I can't ever remember feeling this hurt by my friends.

I already have issues getting close to people so most of the people who were coming weren't super great friends or anything, but they're still friends.
kari
((erinjane))

Have you spoken to your friends since? That is very hurtful, when friends blow you off for silly reasons. I have a friend who seems to do that a lot. It is so aggravating and irritating. She is a good friend when it is convenient for her.

What did you end up doing for your birthday?
LoveMyPugs
(((((ej)))))

girl i understand. my parents forgot my birthday last year. sad.gif it freaking sucked. *hug*

Happy Birthday anyway!!!! smile.gif
candycane_girl
((((erinjane)))) I can definitely relate to quickly having friends just disappear when you were expecting them. I don't really have any advice, just support for you.
p_176
hellotampon - late response here...but if you are on the lease but your roommate is not, then you can have the person removed from the apt. if you both are on the lease, you can go through mediation to resolve the issue, if necessary.

erinjane - happy birthday!
erinjane
Thanks!

We did work things out. I did end up getting 6 people together to go out to the corn maze with me and we had fun. I was still really pissed at one of my friends because she didn't seem to understand why I was so upset, but I think we're okay now.

Next year I think I'll just let the birthday slip by with no commotion. tongue.gif
Muffy
erinjane, hey it was your birthday you should want to celebrate..

Speaking of celebrating. My best friend throws a party every Halloween and its our favorite holiday so of course my best friend planned it months in advance. For some reason I never got the formal invite but was told that yes your invited... so I didn't know, that is until now, that there is a $20 sugguested donation to pay for everything. I work like maybe 20 hours a week in retail, I'm on partial unemployment and have a stack of medical bills. Had I known maybe I would've tried to pick up an extra shift or something. My best friends never mentioned it, I know they are not in the best fincial state either.... Of course now the party is Wednesday and I have no idea how I can manage to cough up money for this and its byob! Its looking like, just like I couldn't go celebrate anywhere this weekend, that I'm not going to even get to enjoy my favorite holiday at all.
Muffy
well good news things are resolved with the party and best friends... and I will at least get to enjoy Halloween.. yah!
kari
Muffy, I am glad you guys resolved things. And you too erin jane!
grrrlyouwant
so this new guy i'm seeing-we'll call him handyman-and i work together, and he wants to keep everything on the down low at work, because our many coworkers are a bunch of drama queens and gossips who like to talk shit and watch the fur fly. i completely agree with that as i have no desire to put up with the questions and teasing and general digging for information about a private relationship that would ensue. enter our mutual friend, a security guard who for now will be referred to as dipshit.

dipshit and i have been friends since i started there, and we have this casual flirty friendship. like he'll tell me how sexy i'm looking every time he sees me, and i'll ask when he's gonna dump his wife and kid and run off to aculpulco with me, just this silly joking thing. well, i told dipshit i was interested in handyman, because they're buddies, and asked him to put a word in for me (which he never did, but whatevs, i got handyman anyway), and he seemed amenable and cool with the whole thing. handyman and i talked on the phone saturday, and when i saw dipshit at work that night, i was in that first giddy "whee, this is totally gonna happen and i'm so happy about it!" new relationship flush, and told him i thought handyman and i were going to hook up. not details about our conversation or anything, just general "squee, he's into me too!"

handyman and i didn't have our whole " let's not tell anybody at work about this-including dipshit and anyone else we might consider friends-cause what if it gets out, it would totally suck and ruin it" conversation until monday. so i called dipshit wednesday and had a conversation with him wherein i told him "look, i know you're my friend and you love me and wouldn't do anything purposely to cock up whatever handyman and i have going on, but it's a very delicate thing right now, and handyman's already stressed at work cause it's our busy time, and i think his idea that we not divulge details or even the fact that we hooked up,if we do, to anyone at work, including you, because even an inadvertent stray comment to the wrong person could be disaster, is a good one, so please just carry on as if you know nothing, and don't even make mention to me or handyman about what's going on." and he seemed okay with that, and i thought we understood each other. but flash forward to thursday, i'm at handyman's place, and he says "so hey, what exactly did you tell dipshit about us? cause he left this long rambling message on my voicemail about some people thinking they're still in high school and wanting to keep secrets from friends" etc.

i managed to play it off casual, told him i'd just said that it seemed handyman liked me too and i didn't know where it was going, if anywhere, but i was really stoked to find out, and in the meantime whatever does or doesn't happen between me and handyman is no one else's business. handyman seemed to accept that, and things were all copacetic, but inside i was absolutely seething. i am still so very very pissed at dipshit right now, and i have no idea how i'm going to act toward him when i see him at work tonight, except i wanna bash his fucking head in. looking back at it now from his viewpoint, i can see how it would suck that this girl you've been flirting (harmlessly?) with at work tells you she wants your best bud, and neither one of them trusts you to keep your mouth shut even though you're all friends. well, hello! obviously that mistrust was well-placed. i'm really enjoying this thing i've got going with handyman, and the idea that dipshit would deliberately fuck it up because he's all butt hurt that he a) didn't get the girl and b ) isn't part of the super-secret "grrrl's banging handyman" club is just really disturbing and makes me all kinds of question our supposed friendship.

to complicate matters, dipshit's asked me before about getting together outside of work at my place or for a cup of coffee, and has flat out told me before that if i tempted him to cheat, he wouldn't put up a fight. i've always put him off because that whole idea makes me feel icky, and this latest nonsense has compounded that about ten times. i really think i need to stop being friends with him, because lately some of his comments have crossed the line, and he just makes me feel generally uncomfortable. plus, now i know i can't trust him with any private conversation regarding me and handyman (not that there are going to be anymore of those), and i'm worried about him running back to handyman with tales and making it sound like i'm feeding him info about my and handyman's relationship. but he and handyman are buddies, and i don't want any wierdness i'm having with him affecting their friendship. dammit, why's dipshit gotta be such a fucking douchebag?!
nickclick
grrl, sounds like it's just best to be polite and say hello and goodbye to dipshit and not much more.

i met my friend's new man this weekend, and all i can say is 'eh.' he's nice enough, polite and seems to like her, but just didn't seem smart or interesting or all that funny either. she's so into books and politics and has a great sense of humor.

so when she called to see what i think, i totally weinered out and was like - he's nice and friendly and stuff. should i have told her the truth? that she can do better!
edie52
Nickclick: No. Not yet.

When one of my best friends met my new boyfriend back in the spring, I could tell that she kinda felt that way about him. They're very different from each other, and I get different things from them both. Also, we have totally different taste in guys. I could tell she thought he was kinda boring, because he's reserved and artsy and she likes cocky punk rock dudes. When she said he "seemed nice," I could tell she was thinking something else. But if she'd said so, it wouldn't have changed the way I felt about him. It just might've made things awkward the next time the 3 of us got together. But now she knows how happy I am and is happy for me (I think).

Then again, I dated a total douche bag last year, and I kinda wish my friends would've said something. If you sense he's a Scumbag, say something. From what you're saying he's not, though. And if she's as smart as you say, there's either something there or it'll be short-lived.

And give him some time, he might open up.
hellotampon
Fuck my roommate. He's the unemployed slob I was talking about earlier. His shampoo hasn't been in the shower for days, and mine has been disappearing fast. So I took it out of the shower. Then tonight I noticed that he riffled through the cabinet, found another bottle of my shampoo, and put it in the shower. And he hasn't said a word to me since I got home. This dude doesn't even buy toilet paper.

I hate him.
nickclick
ugh, i hate the 'what's yours is mine, and what's mine either doesn't exist or sucks' roommate. did you confront him about it? i'm sure it's less about using toilet paper and more about just ASKING!

thanks edie, smart idea to just wait. no, he doesn't seem like a douche; he's certainly not treating her badly. so that's all i should be worried about i guess, and not so much if she's not being intellectually stimulated. rolleyes.gif

it's just that he's cute, and her ex-husband is also good looking, and i don't want to see her make the same mistake by thinking with her ovaries. i see her turn down dorks all the time. she's a dork in a hot body, and i wish she could find the same, or realize that hotness doesn't last forever, or at least find someone who likes her for her dorkiness rather than her hotness.
girlygirlgag
Heya Nick,

Don't write him off just yet, you just met him. He may be shy, etc. I always find it best not to state an opinion about a new beau, when it is benign. If a friend's boyfriend is a cheating, beating, abusive, controlling, sod, I say something, but even then you have to tread lightly. I have had friends with men like that who disown me because I call it out and they stick up for their man.

Also, you what you think she may need, may not be what she does need. For example, any guy I have been fixed up with by a friend has turned into a disaster and makes me wonder why in the world my girl would fix me up with such a melvin? I always get "well you are so ____ and so is he, bleh blah be do". And I think, "am I really like that? Is he? What the hell is she talking about?"

plus, if she has an ex husband as of late, it may be best for to think with her ovaries as of now.
sassysarahart
I invited some of my friends to a gallery opening at school about a month ago and now that I mention it's coming up they are all too busy to go. This makes me livid, when someone informs me of special event I mark it in my day planner . I feel like I am getting the complete brush off here. Ohh well I guess thats life right?
flanker_ji
One of my best friends is someone whose held this idea that being married will be the ultimate validation for her. She's very insecure in some ways, and her family's very traditional opinions matter to her. So it's no suprise to me now that she's gotten hitched that she's turned into one of those people who seem to think they've accomplished this exclusive, fantastical feat and ohmigod we're! so! happyandinloooovveeforever!! I was hoping she could rise above it, but alas, it seems she can't.

Hanging out with them recently has been mildly nasuea-inducing, and it has everything to do with her behavior. He's still exactly the same. I guess before I start avoiding them, I should try hanging out with her only. I really hope this passes fairly soon. I love them dearly and am really happy for them. I don't want to have to put distance between us.
sad.gif
nickclick
flanker, how does she behave? like all self-important?
flanker_ji
No, more like she's estatic with relief that she finally has something for all the world to see that proves she's been chosen by someone for life. She hates certain parts of her body and thinks people look down on her, and marriage has always been, in her mind, the event that would set her fears to rest.

I went over to her house for a bit today. Things felt pretty normal. But I think I'll still give her some time to settle down. *crossing fingers*
lananans
One of my friends has gone home for Christmas to Edmonton. She found out from her house-mate, who was still here, that she got mail from some university that she applied to. So she calls me at midnight, I was fast asleep but I answered the phone anyways since it woke me up, and she expected me to go to her house and get her mail, then mail it to her in edmonton, at MIDNIGHT. I told her to make her housemate do it, and she was all like BUT SHE"S LEAVING AT 120AM and I don't want her opening my mail! I was like too bad. Then i went back to sleep. This friend only cares about herself, and is extremely inconsiderate. I have worked 7 out of the last 8 days and am exhausted, and she expects me to get up in the middle of the night and go get her mail. No way.
hypocondriaque
Hey Ladies,

Making an effort to do a little more posting, after a hiatus of a couple years.

I am having some trouble with a long time friend. We've been close since our pregnancies, 11 years ago, became single moms around the same time, and have offered one another a lot of support and love through the years... A couple years ago, my friend decided to become a doctor. She started school again, and I supported her wholly. A few months into school, she met a wonderful man, and within a year, they were expecting a baby and were married. They bought a house, a second car, and began a very traditional family life. I dated a lot during those years, and we were living on somewhat different time lines, but we maintained the closeness and support. Our kids considered one another best friends, and we always made it possible for them to see one another.

She was accepted to a prestigious school on a full scholarship, and began to become very competitive in her pursuit. I think it became a purpose for her, which I think is great. We all need that! But it meant that I could not see her very often, because she was constantly studying or trying to spend time with her family. She would still call occasionally, when she was upset, or had a moment to offer some support to me. We saw each other a handful of times in the last year, but it always had to be on her terms, and was often squeezed into a few hours in her day. I acquiesced, because I knew it was the only way we would be able to spend time together. But by and large, the time we spent together or on the phone was dwindling away to nothing. I missed her terribly, and told her so many times. I even stopped calling when I had something going on, because it had started to seem painful that she didn't have time for a talk anymore. Previously, we had been like family, and I had always felt involved with her family and life. Our friendship, which had always seemed very healthy to me, had started to seem like the last thing on her list. When she took her son off his meds for ADHD, things got even more difficult for her. He was kicked out of school in the middle of her senior year, and she made the difficult choice to home school him, so he could develop better skills, without the disapproval of the school system.

Around this time, I started having problems with my daughter's behavior. I was in a somewhat serious relationship, but the strain of handling my daughter's behavior problems took its toll, and the relationship ended. During this time, I often called my friend to commiserate, or glean from her experience. But she was so upset with what was happening in her own household, she would end up focusing on that during the conversation, or expressing resentment that I was having a hard time as well. I understood, and spent what little time I had to communicate with her listening.... We had not seen each other for over 6 months, but were planning a Halloween night together. She contacted me to change the plan, and was very insistent that it had to go a certain way in order for her to do it. I had been looking forward to it so much! But with my work schedule, I could not manage what she was asking. I felt angry that she was trying to strong arm me, with little consideration for how busy I was (new job, in film production, high stress.) We ended up having an argument, and she suggested taking time off. I agreed it was for the best. I had reached a point where I felt so rejected and unneeded by her. It was too painful to continue in this way.

It's holiday time, and for the first time in many years, I have not seen her. I have gifts for her and her kids, but I have not known how to begin speaking again. Today I called her house and her husband answered. He wanted to mediate the situation and talk to her before I went as far as to contact her directly. It felt weird. It has happened often that she uses him as mediator, or asks him to pick up or drop off the kids. But I guess I have to accept it, as she's been pretty angry with me. He revealed that she felt I was being very selfish when we argued months before. From my perspective, I felt I had sacrificed a lot to maintain the friendship, and that her behavior had been very selfish. Funny how that happens.

I guess I am looking for advice about how to begin talks about what happened, and opening the door to the friendship again. I never thought of cutting her completely out of my life. I only needed some time off, because it seemed we were just hurting one another. Any thoughts are appreciated!

Thanks,
hypo
EllaMinnowPea
Hypocondriaque, my situation is far less severe than yours, but I too have been drifting from a dear friend. It's really hard to handle.

I guess the best thing to do is just talk to her and state your feelings honestly without citing all the ways you've been hurt? I know I'm currently tempted to go on the offensive, but that's not a proactive approach. I also know we can't get back to being as close as we once were, we're just going to have to start with some unfamiliar stage of acquaintances-trying-to-get-closer. I'm not quite cooled off enough to feel good about starting over. How about you? Do you feel ready to take a few steps back in your relationship?

It sounds like you and she have both been going through rough stuff, and you really value her friendship. It bothers me that she's trying to use her husband as a mediator; it's clear you want to speak to her directly. Can you e-mail her and ask to meet and talk? You could say that you've both taken time off and you're ready to talk things over with a clear head - but you could also ask if she needs more time. I think it's good to be sensitive to her needs as long as you don't feel she's walking all over you. Could you use the presents you have for her kids as an excuse to get together?

The fact that you are willing to sacrifice a little pride to call her and work things out makes you seem very unselfish. I hope she's able to recognize that.

Good luck to you! And take care!
Muffy
sassysarahart, it sucks I know... I thought this was just something that happened to me.

My best friends and a friend we've known for years had a big blow out the other day. The thing is I have noticed a change in her personality since we've all reconnected, my best friends and her had a falling out a few years back and have since reconciled. Its not that I don't believe the things my best friends say she has done, though if she is guilty of such things, like stealing their money why they'd give her a second chance is beyond my understanding. I guess they decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and she utterly failed them. I wasn't even there the other night and now she won't talk to me because of them. Its like I have to pick sides. I love my best friends so the choice is obvious. Though, I hate when they talk about her behind her back which they have been doing for quite awhile. I usually don't say much knowing in a few months or years they'll probably reconnect, again. I always seem to be the person stuck in the middle because I just want everyone to just get along. I hate this! I hate the drama!
hypocondriaque
Ella, thanks for responding. A few weeks have passed, and my friend has been on vacation from school. She finally called me back, and our first conversation was very honest, not totally pleasant. But we agreed to get the kids together and see how we felt.

Last weekend, they asked to have my daughter for a sleepover. At the meet-up, I gave her a big hug. The next day, her family came for a visit of a few hours, and we had a great time catching up and watching the kids play. Later that night, she texted and said she was glad we had decided to be friends. I wrote her a nice email and pointed out all the great changes we had been through, and all the wisdom we've offered one another over the years. Things are moving slow, but I don't feel I am missing out on the friendship anymore. It's all about keeping it real! Adjustments like this are so hard, but once we made the decision to compromise, things seemed a lot kinder and closer.

Good luck to all you ladies having trouble with friends!
ObeyGiant
hypocondriaque-

that sounds so awful. it sounds as if you guys were totally connected on the 'spiritual' level. that's happening with me and my friend. we still love each other as sisters, but we hang out with different people all the time at school. we never see each other at school or outside of school.

and now, this guy i've liked for what it seems like forever is deciding to be a total asshole to me. we used to have meaningful conversations, that i've never got to have with any other classmates. we believe the same things, have the same bad habits, you know the whole nine yards. i've told him how i was addicted to some crazy drugs, when i haven't told anybody that. only the person that got me addicted to them knew.

but now, he's decided to take on this whole 'hate me love me' act. one day, he'll talk to me, but the next he won't even look at me. and it kills me, because once you get that thing, you don't want to give that back. i told him that he was being an asshole. i told him to work through his steps and see who he is, and get better.

and that worked for awhile, but then we were at party, and he tried to have sex with me. i knew we were in it for the wrong reasons, but he said he loved me a bunch of times. but every guy i've met has said that, and it turns out they really don't. we weren't going out, i didn't think he even liked me. so of course i told him no. so like every other guy, he has continued that stupid thing of his, and he barely talks to me, and only to ask me if i want to shoot up with him or eat some shrooms.


i really don't want our relationship to fall apart. but i think if he acts like this, i really don't have a choice.
mouse
sigh.

so, two of my girlfriends and i have been planning on going on this trip next month. friend 1 makes a lot of money, i make an adequate amount of money, and friend 2 makes not that much money. now, at the last minute, friend 2 has run into some unexpected bills and unfortunately can no longer afford to go on the trip with friend 1 and i.

i REALLY REALLY REALLY want friend 2 to come on this trip! i went on this trip with friend 1 last year, and while i love her, due to various circumstances i know i personally would have even MORE fun if friend 2 was there as well. i'm closer to friend 2, but i think friend 1 and 2 are closer to each other than they are to me--at least, they've known each other much longer. anyway, my motives for wanting friend 2 to come on this trip are, in addition to wanting her company, slightly selfish.

i kind of want to pay for friend 2's flight! i don't even know if i want to go this year if friend 2 doesn't. but money and friends are such a weird issue, especially because i don't make all that much more than friend 2 does, and while friend 1 makes loads more than both of us, i doubt she'd be open to helping pay for friend 2. i could afford it, but it ends up being seen as charity and that is weird.

what the hell should i do? i don't think i really CAN do anything in this situation...but i want to....WHINE!
auralpoison
I've been through it, too, Mouse. A couple years ago a friend & I planned this huge trip. She's a freelance photographer, so sometimes she's rolling in dough, others things are moderate. When it came down to the last month some things went down & she didn't think she could afford it. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted her to go. So I offered to pay for it for my own selfish reasons. I stressed that it was a gift for myself more than for her. She agonized over it for a couple weeks before she finally accepted. When she relented I asked her what changed her mind. She had spoken to her mom & her mom told her that sometimes you have to be able to let people do things for you. That I wouldn't ever hold it over her head or anything like that. So I paid for the plane tickets & hotel rooms (I splurged & got us a suite at the Plaza our last night.) & she took care of all her other expenses. We had the best time ever & are hoping to hit Australia next.
ellievee
rant!

my best friend of about 8 years is staying with me in pittsburgh after having moved to new york for college last summer. while she was gone, we had great long nights talking on the phone and laughing and filling each other in on useless happenings. and now that she's here i remember how incredibly competitive she is! i'd forgotten how, once we're together, she seems to put me down (sometimes without honestly trying to, i think) to feel better about herself or to look better in front of other people. in high school, she said something hurtful that caused us to not talk for a few months, but it blew over as simple 'teenage drama'. but last week, as i was getting ready for work she said "you wear the ugliest clothes! ...but you look cute in them!" okay, so, maybe not intended to be malicious, but it still hurt. and then, we were having a discussion about relationships (her boyfriend recently broke up with her and she was devastated) and she said something like "i don't want a serious relationship..." and i said "okay, that makes sense, do what's best for you right now" and she eventually mentioned "you always have to be with someone. it's like you can't be single, you've never been single..." hinting at how i couldn't possibly survive on my own, without a man. well, being a feminist and knowing this isn't true (i've been plenty single!) it hurt my feelings. true, i did jump into a few relationships quickly, i have had many partners, but this doesn't mean i can't survive on my own or that i need a man to be validated!

to make matters worse, she's always talking, much of what consists of analyzing MY life! like, thanks for bringing up my past mistakes and embarassing moments, that makes me feel good! when she's not talking about that, she's talking about everything else, like she's the authority on everything! she'll just come into my room when my boyfriend and i are talking, sit on my bed, and babble, almost always hurting my feelings at least once in the conversation. personal space, please?

i know she's in a rough spot right now (the circumstances of her coming to visit me were that she was too stressed by the pressure of school, parents, friends, etc and getting out of a serious relationship, and was having major depression issues) so i don't want to be too harsh, but really, it's getting to be too much! i want to say something, but i don't know what to say, or if it would even make a difference. it's terrible to say, but maybe we're better friends when we're not together so much?

thanks for listening, any and all advice is appreciated!
ananke
My best friend is so fucking unreliable. Thursday she said she'd call about our plans for Saturday. It's Sunday afternoon and i've tried calling her several times and she still hasn't replied. She never answers her phone because a psycho ex has her number but no email? No SMS? No returned calls? This isn't the first time. I'm so so so sick of it. I'm in a new city, in a new house, without my husband and I need her around. When we see each other it's all unimportant, but now I'm just pissed off. My plans get fucked up because she's unreliable.

Christ, I love her, but I am so tired of having to be responsible. For it being so hard to get help in this damn city. My flatmates are the biggest nerds and nearly as unreliable. I'm so used to adult stuff, people doing what they say they'll do. All three of them (bestie + housemates) act like they're kids - no plans can be made, nothing gets done without someone pushing. I'm too old to play mother to my friends. I just want my husband to get his arse down here. Then I can have a place that's my own, where I don't have to rely on people who take two weeks to make/return calls that are actually important. If it isn't important, it just doesn't get done.
BustiRubi
"i'm sorry miss perfect but I was too tired on saturday night to do al the fuken dishes!"
mad.gif

whew, needed to rant a little aout my picky roomate. soo picky I don't understand her, she went to bed at ten last night at ten and me and my friend were up till 4 because there were four hot guys visiting because they were my other roomates bandmates!

it's finals week i'm stressing out a bit and the LAST thing on my mind are disehs It's not like I leave my dishes in the sink days at a time!

I knew she would bitch the next morning so I did most of them. and the dryer thing was already full I didn't feel like putting away her dishes because she decided to bake.

i'm sorry, they did an awful job picking my roomates cuz they placed two neat freaks with a mess queen. I'm no slob at all but I can't help that I make a mess i'm a little clumsy too you know. two girls who stay at home studying all day and cleaning while i actually go out and do things and no reall time at home to clean.
It's so uncomfortable feeling like i'm always on the watch to seee if my washed dishes don't have even a little speck!!!

I'm just glad I have one more quarter here! dry.gif
BustiRubi
QUOTE(BustiRubi @ Mar 16 2008, 03:13 PM) *
"i'm sorry miss perfect but I was too tired on saturday night to do al the fuken dishes!"
mad.gif

whew, needed to rant a little aout my picky roomate. soo picky I don't understand her, she went to bed at ten last night at ten and me and my friend were up till 4 because there were four hot guys visiting because they were my other roomates bandmates!

it's finals week i'm stressing out a bit and the LAST thing on my mind are disehs It's not like I leave my dishes in the sink days at a time!

I knew she would bitch the next morning so I did most of them. and the dryer thing was already full I didn't feel like putting away her dishes because she decided to bake.

i'm sorry, they did an awful job picking my roomates cuz they placed two neat freaks with a mess queen. I'm no slob at all but I can't help that I make a mess i'm a little clumsy too you know. two girls who stay at home studying all day and cleaning while i actually go out and do things and no reall time at home to clean.
It's so uncomfortable feeling like i'm always on the watch to seee if my washed dishes don't have even a little speck!!!

I'm just glad I have one more quarter here! dry.gif


oh yea plus I'malso dealing with my best friend who was supposed to buy her plane ticket last monday but now told me she kinda doesn't want to come!!! i need to know what I'm doin for spring break!
and I really really really was looking forward to seeing her :/

i've got other worries than dishes sad.gif
hellotampon
QUOTE(ellievee @ Mar 4 2008, 04:20 AM) *
she seems to put me down (sometimes without honestly trying to, i think) to feel better about herself or to look better in front of other people.


I had a friend exactly like that. She was really insecure and was constantly asking if she looked fat. I do that too and I know it annoys people but this was ALL that girl ever talked about. She just wouldn't drop it, ever, no matter what you said. That, and she would bitch about her other friends over really stupid stuff (she has really high standards about how people should act around her), because according to her they were jealous of her. And maybe they were, because she is drop dead gorgeous, but I am not a jealous person and I'm not inclined to feeling jealousy at someone who is so incredibly insecure. I'm shy and quiet so mostly I was glad she had the spotlight out in public. I think this is why she put me down. She'd want to lay out in the yard or on the beach to tan, and I'd put on sunscreen and she'd say, "you're so pale." And I'm not even pale. Or she'd make little comments about my clothes, or my car, and one time she came to my apartment and said, "uggh it's so MESSY in here" like a zillion times. And it wasn't even dirty! I just had clothes all over the couch from doing laundry.
I was sick of being insulted everytime we hung out, and I was starting to feel more self-conscious about my body flaws just from hearing her monologue about hers all the time, and I realized that she was boring to hang out with anyway. So I started ignoring her calls and if I saw her at school or whatever I'd say hi and leave it at that. I know she was pissed and probably told all her friends that i was jealous of her but whatever.
BustiRubi
AND! mad.gif
why does she have to copy the food I buy if we are supposedly sharing!?
I have no problem sharing, shes stingy on the toilet paper -says that SHE always buys it and is now ordering everyone get their own rolls. I would always buy it too but I have no problem it's not like I measure how much toilet paper everyone uses and figure everyone is using mine up. I don't care if i buy a roll i leave it there.

So I have no food left and find cream of wheat and am glad I had bought some but when I open it it's original and i remembered getting the flavored kind so trusting my bad memory i figure it's mine and had bought original i've had 3 packets in 3 days and she walks in not too long ago out of her way saying "is that cream of wheat?...you know I bought that right?"

also! my mom had sent me thin mint girl scout cookies and guess what she decides to bake...... not only that it happens with all kinds of food we're supposed to be sharing like butter, I bought a tub and then she buys a different brand and I don't understand what she wants to share or not!

I'm getting the inkling she doesn't want to share...

Either I stand up to her and say "write your freakin name on it if it's yours!"
or I start buying double of eveything she buys and use absolutely nothing she buys.....


WAT DO I DOOOOO???

I have had enough of her! I can't stand being around her for too long.

heelp!
ellievee
QUOTE(hellotampon @ Mar 16 2008, 10:38 PM) *
I had a friend exactly like that. She was really insecure and was constantly asking if she looked fat. I do that too and I know it annoys people but this was ALL that girl ever talked about. She just wouldn't drop it, ever, no matter what you said. That, and she would bitch about her other friends over really stupid stuff (she has really high standards about how people should act around her), because according to her they were jealous of her. And maybe they were, because she is drop dead gorgeous, but I am not a jealous person and I'm not inclined to feeling jealousy at someone who is so incredibly insecure. I'm shy and quiet so mostly I was glad she had the spotlight out in public. I think this is why she put me down. She'd want to lay out in the yard or on the beach to tan, and I'd put on sunscreen and she'd say, "you're so pale." And I'm not even pale. Or she'd make little comments about my clothes, or my car, and one time she came to my apartment and said, "uggh it's so MESSY in here" like a zillion times. And it wasn't even dirty! I just had clothes all over the couch from doing laundry.
I was sick of being insulted everytime we hung out, and I was starting to feel more self-conscious about my body flaws just from hearing her monologue about hers all the time, and I realized that she was boring to hang out with anyway. So I started ignoring her calls and if I saw her at school or whatever I'd say hi and leave it at that. I know she was pissed and probably told all her friends that i was jealous of her but whatever.


of course everyone has insecurities, but that's ridiculous! the thing with my friend is, if this makes sense...she is actually pretty self-involved, or at least she's good at pretending to be. she's constantly showing off her body and always acting VERY available in front of ANY guy, so she must have some confidence! but when she insults ME, i start to lose mine! i could be perfectly content with how i look, wearing a nice outfit, have my hair done, etc, and she'll automatically make me question myself and dwell on my flaws! recently, i was getting ready to go to a sortof-dressy event, and i was in the bathroom getting ready (blow-drying/straightening my hair, doing make-up, etc) and she was standing there talking to me (personal space, please?) and said if i straightened my hair anymore it'd look like a helmet! wtf? (i'm not cocky, but one of my best features is my soft, shiny hair!) and then proceeded to tell me that the makeup i was using (i spend most of my paychecks at sephora, lol) was 'silly'! she doesn't use makeup and has really short, thin hair (which looks amazing on her, because she has a really great facial structure, and it's so limp when it's longer). the only insecurity she expresses is that her hair is always too short (though everyone gives her compliments on it). she has major issues with it, but keeps cutting it for some emotional reason, she's obsessed with it.
that was excessively long, sorry...but i'm beginning to wonder if i really need a friend like this?
ellievee
QUOTE(ananke @ Mar 16 2008, 04:19 AM) *
I'm so used to adult stuff, people doing what they say they'll do. All three of them (bestie + housemates) act like they're kids - no plans can be made, nothing gets done without someone pushing. I'm too old to play mother to my friends.


i know exactly what you mean! about 9 months ago i got a new apartment and wanted to have a little housewarming get-together. i printed invitations and called my friends, nothing formal, just some drinks and food, and nearly everyone "forgot", or "something came up", or they didn't answer the phone. all of my friends are adults, and i found it incredibly rude, especially when people RSVP'd (or made plans) and then never showed, or contacted me. i would never dream of doing something so rude! and how immature!
i used to get sad that i never got to see my friends (everyone's busy with school, or work, or husbands, or children, or broke) but then i realized that i was the only one who ever really even tried to make time for them! i was the only one that ever wanted to make plans! maybe it's part of growing up and becoming an adult (always being busy, seeing friends less, etc), but it seems like my friends are getting less mature, not more.
hellotampon
I don't know what to do. I work as a personal caregiver to an elderly woman with dementia, incontinence, etc, who cannot be left alone. I have a second, part time night job twice a week doing housework for another old lady, and I take a nursing aide class 3 nights a week. So we needed someone to fill in when I can't be there- about 15 hours a week. I got my friend Veronica the job because she's a CNA, she lives nearby, and she doesn't go to school or have any other job and she needed money. I thought it would be perfect for her.

Unfortunately she's always being irresponsible and inconsiderate. Her boyfriend runs a trucking company and occasionally has to go out on the road for a couple weeks and so she's done stuff like taken off on a day's notice to drive out and see him, or called a few hours ahead of time saying that they missed a ferry and will have to pay $500 to get here in time, etc. And she's asked me if I'd give up some hours for her and when I do she calls at the last minute saying she doesn't want to anymore because she was up all night on the phone with her boyfriend, or whatever. And I always have to hear a guilt trip about how much she loves her boyfriend or about their money issues.

I work 60 hours a week and often I'm busy 16 hours a day. This girl has no responsibilities other than to show up to work a few hours. She has no respect for my time. Everything she does is somehow more important than what I want to do. For instance today she was supposed to come at 3, so I could have a few hours of free time before my 6pm class. I was planning on taking the dog out to pee so i didn't come home to a puddle on the floor later. I wanted to go outside because I'm cooped up in the house all day. I also wanted to shower because I'd been working since 5am and didn't want to go to class all greasy. And I need to pick up my stethoscope and all that crap. She called and said she wasn't coming until after 5 because she wanted to spend every last moment with her boyfriend because he's leaving for 2 weeks tonight.

Normally I wouldn't think twice about staying late for someone in that situation. But this happens all the time and I am soooooooooo sick of it. So I argued with her and as usual she tried to guilt-trip me and said passive-aggressive things about how the stuff I wanted to do was so trivial. She's totally obsessed with her boyfriend and everything else DOES seem trivial to her.

She's constantly putting people out. The guy I work for is pissed, and I look stupid because I got her the job. Outside of work she's one of my best friends, and I don't want to lose her friendship. It would be easy if we could just get someone else to work instead, but it's really hard to find someone who wants to work part time on varied days to care for a dying woman.
auralpoison
So my bff is having a party. And I was simply uninvited. It's because her two other friends are going (One is a bitch & one is neurotic.) & neither of them like me. Apparently, I am the asshole friend. It hurt my feelings to be told, "I'm having a party. You can't come because Thing #1 & Thing #2 are coming. We can hang out a few weeks later." BUT. I AM A GROWN UP. I CAN CONTROL MYSELF EVEN IF HER FRIENDS CAN'T.
erinjane
That's pretty ridiculous. I never understood those kinds of friend 'fueds'. Get over it, this isn't junior high.

(((ap)))
culturehandy
The fact that bff would uninvite you over two scags is not cool.

(((ap)))
auralpoison
There is a part of me that thinks she's merely using them as an excuse. I think she invited her new boy toy & she doesn't want us to meet as I am not wild about her adultery.
auralpoison
Okay. So when my mom died I somehow came in possession of her irritating boyfriend. He takes out my trash & waters my lawn which is rad, but he also shows up willynilly. And he drinks. He came over last night half drunk & gave me some shit about not cleaning the kitchen. Even after I told him to fuck off he continued. Finally he left. Only to show up at two am completely trashed. I tried to get him to go to bed, but he refused. I fell asleep & didn't wake up until he pulled a blanket over my neither regions as I had bunched my covers betwixt my thighs for support. Which he never would have seen if he'd gone to motherfucking bed like I asked him to. I think I need to change the locks.
thenewrussia
You are WAY TOO nice! If you want to salvage any friendship with her at all, you need to completely separate her from your career. If she needs the money badly, she will find a way to make it. "Where there is a will, there is a way," and unfortunately, she doesn't seem to have much of a will, so just let her be. You are the only one that is coming out of this whole mess tainted- you deal with her irresponsibility and with her own issues, on top of all that you have other things of your own to deal with. Don't help her with jobs anymore because it is harming your own judgment in the eyes of your employers.

Look only after yourself because she isn't even being grateful for the strides you are taking to help her out.

move on my friend.
auralpoison
ARGH! How do I tell this fool that I am not cool with his shit without coming off like a total hosebeast? I don't want to encourage him to drink & drive, but showing up unannounced at two am trashed out of your fucking gourd isn't amusing anymore. Plus, he's maudlin because he misses my mother & projects it onto the dog. He rambles, mumbles, & repeats himself until he passes out sitting up. I know he's lonely & depressed. So am I. BUT. I don't drive the thirty odd miles into town half-gassed at midnight to see if he wants to grab a drink. YOU'RE DRUNK, ASSCLOWN! After midnight isn't cool. Yeah, sure I'm up, but by that point I'm in my jammies or possibly naked. Last night I made him stand on the porch while I got dressed again & he had the nerve to grouse. I was pissed, but it's pointless to yell at somebody that fucking drunk.
konphusion26
I have this friend - who just happens to be my ex boyfriend (best friend and first love)- who popped back up into my life via myspace after almost 8 yrs of not seeing or talking to him. Needless to say, there was no closure to the relationship and I've spent the last 5 or 6 yrs trying to find him to apologize for breaking his heart when I left home for college. *damn that was a mouthful* Anyway, we've been chatting online lately like ALOT and I realized, we never really ended. HOWEVER, both of us are now happily married to other people. Its complicated as hell, and I wish he wouldn't have found me! Everything was fine as long as we were emailing back and forth. That is, until we started chatting on messenger. Ya know, trying to reunite as friends cuz we were best friends, really close before we dated. Then this fool confessed some really heavy stuff to me that I wish he woulda kept to his damn self. I dont need that in my head or heart. I'm kinda angry at him for putting something out there like that. You dont just drop an emotional bomb on someone and expect things to be the same afterwards. SO much for a friendship, that will be impossible now. I go to bed feeling guilty for talking to him, but for some reason I'm drawn to him... I can't get him outta my head. I can't stand this, I feel like I'm cheating and being deceitful, sneaking talking to him even though I haven't done anything wrong. I guess it could be considered a type of emotional affair. MY GOD, I never wanted to do that. That upsets me and i'm sitting here in tears as I type. I have decided to stop talking to him period, no emails, no messenger. NOTHING. Otherwise it will become a problem for both of us, and its unfair to our spouses.

This. stinks. Lesson for today: You can't really be friends with ex lovers that you still have an emotional tie to. Recipe for confusion and disaster.

Maybe next lifetime.
candycane_girl
I made a huge post last night and Bust ate it! Anyhoo....

Konphusion, I think it's good that you cut off ties with that guy. I can only imagine how much it hurts but if it was making you feel that bad then it is probably for the best.

Here is my issue. I feel like it's especially difficult because this is about my cousin who for years I've felt was like a close friend to me. Until now.

Basically what happened was that I was having growing feelings for my friend "Henry" and I asked Cousin if I should tell him or not. She said no because it could ruin the friendship and I agreed that my friendship with him is more important than any romantic feelings I might have. (also I've realized since then that I only love him as a friend)

Anyway, fast forward a few days and Henry is over and we are quite drunk and stoned, which is not out of the ordinary for us. Only this time we end up having sex. From there I end up feeling confused, are we now more than friends or was it just a one time drunken mishap? I ended up telling him about my feelings for him and he gently let me down and we agreed that we can still be friends and that's what is most important.

I told Cousin all this and she jumped down my throat. The one thing she said that stuck out was that I need to be like her and have more self-control which I pretty much felt was her telling me I should learn how to keep my legs closed. Also she said that I should cut off all contact with him which I thought was ridiculous since we had already talked things out. She said some things that really hurt me so a few days later I was online and I tell her that she has hurt my feelings which only enrages her more! Here are a few gems from her during our conversation:

"its probably not a good idea to ask me for advice ever again. especially if you're gonna do the exact opposite of what i suggest. what's the point anyways, right? it's not like i had your best intentions in mind or anything....."

"if anyone should feel like they've been spat on, it's me."

"I know nothing about relationships. So I'm probably not the best person to talk to. About anything."

"so basically anything I say means nothing...."

You can see from this that she was being really dramatic and acting as though having sex with a friend is the worst thing anyone can do. Anyway, after that I asked for advice from other people and they (henry, my mom and everyone in my group therapy) said the best thing to do would just be to leave her alone for a few weeks, not contact her and let her cool off. So that's what I've been doing. But then yesterday I was perusing Facebook and saw that she has even gone so far as to remove me as a friend! I think she's being ridiculous and unreasonable. If I had known that she would act this way just because I didn't follow her advice I never would have asked for it in the first place.

The thing is, she is family. If it was anyone else I could just say "fuck you, you're being a bitch" but I have horrible images of us just avoiding each other the next time we're all together (I'm in Ontario and she's in BC so we don't see each other often). I don't want to end up with some life long family grudge but all I did "wrong" was tell her the truth and tell her that she hurt my feelings. I have no idea what to do.
candycane_girl
did I kill the thread? sad.gif
p_176
without going into detail, i have a sick family member. the situation is stressing the other family members ,including me. i feel like the stress and anger my other family members are going through is being taken out on me, which makes me feel taken for granted and not want to help out as much as i can. how can i best deal with this problem?
thanks for your feedback.
konphusion26
I live about 2 hrs away from my friend that graduated from college April 19. Her graduation ceremony was in a whole other state for some reason. She asks me if i would be able to come. Well, in case she hasn't noticed i'm unemployed right now and cant really afford to be running to other states. So I told her I probably wouldnt be able to make it - she got an attitude with me. Then she asked me the other day if I'd be able to attend her birthday party next week. I have plans already. Again, she gets an attitude and I havent heard from her since. OH well... she's a spoiled brat. She'll be alright. Besides, they'll be getting drunk and acting a fool. I'm a quiet reserved kinda person. I barely drink anything but wine and I certainly don't smoke. I would be the ONLY person there that doesn't get plastered or high. I'll pass.

I guess my friends say I suck as a friend because I don't keep in touch with them much. But heck they're HOURS and hours away from me. And I'm kinda anti-social at times. This is just not a cool time in my life. I'm indifferent about having friends honestly. whatever.
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