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spot-on
Ditto what Sybarite said. The relationship is all take take take again on her part, and you are doing the giving (emotionally). What do YOU want from the relationship? Do you realistically think it will ever happen? She sounds like an emotional leech but at the end of the day it's your relationship with her, only you can decide if it's really worth it?

Also, yes distance is great isn't it? There are reasons we moved 1000's of miles away to live in a different country. Take that family/friend drama and all the shit that comes with it smile.gif
auralpoison
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Nov 21 2009, 02:38 AM) *
I'm basically using this as an exercise to sort some relationship issues out in my mind.


While I appreciate the input, I am the one that wrote it all down & I've already asked myself all the questions you all posited. I'm obviously pretty self-aware, I know/knew exactly what needs/needed to be done here, it just helped me clarify things to see it laid out in print. I feel better actually seeing it all.

Right now? I *am* getting something out of this. As sad as it sounds, my phone rings once in a while & it isn't somebody trying to get money out of me or a telemarketer. And having something to think about besides "WTF am I gonna do?" is kind of refreshing.

And Star, I'm surprised that you commented on this when you were pretty much the one that made me feel bad about the way I just ditched this chick in the first place. When last I talked about handling things like this, you basically made me feel shitty & emotionally retarded. "That was really immature, there are better ways of handling things, people always seem to come back into my life, blahblahblah." I though maybe I was being an ass about the way I handled things & thought I'd see if anything had changed. Yeah, no. From now on, I'm gonna stick with my immature gut on things. It may make me a childish asshole, but I'm okay with that.
stargazer
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Nov 23 2009, 03:10 AM) *
And Star, I'm surprised that you commented on this when you were pretty much the one that made me feel bad about the way I just ditched this chick in the first place. When last I talked about handling things like this, you basically made me feel shitty & emotionally retarded. "That was really immature, there are better ways of handling things, people always seem to come back into my life, blahblahblah." I though maybe I was being an ass about the way I handled things & thought I'd see if anything had changed. Yeah, no.


Dude, first of all, don't assign me your guilt baggage. Not cool. I don't remember ever having a conversation about this chick with you. After racking my brain, I think I vaguely remember you talking/IMing/whatever about someone who called you occasionally drunk. After reading your post, my response is the response I felt to give you based on the information you shared in your post.

QUOTE
From now on, I'm gonna stick with my immature gut on things. It may make me a childish asshole, but I'm okay with that.


Well, I'm glad you got some clarity out of your post.

Persiflager
Ap, thanks for posting this. It's given me a clearer perspective on a friendship that's been bothering me for a while.
nickclick
QUOTE(stargazer @ Nov 22 2009, 07:55 PM) *
nickclick, I would probably just let your friend know how her behavior makes you feel too.

thanks, but yeah, like AP, i've been enabling her behavior. her selfishness is just now really getting to me, or in other words, i'm getting too old for this shit. but how can i complain now? we've been friends for like 8 years and NOW i'm annoyed that she's selfish and needy?

also, she was my roommate for 2 years. when i broke up a LTR, i called her and she immediately cleared our her home office so i could move in. like that afternoon. she was really there for me while i was going thru the breakup, ugly crying jags and all. and now i'm happily coupled and she's not. so i have this major guilt if i'm not there for her every moment she's unhappy.
candycane_girl
nick, I went back and read your original post and seeing someone 3 times a week is excessive! There are no two ways about it. It's great that you two are friends and that she has been there for you but even at the best of times, I personally have never seen a friend 3 times a week (except maybe in high school). It doesn't matter that her selfishness is getting to you now, what matters is that it's getting to you. I don't know how old she is but as a reasonable adult she should understand why you can't see her all the time. Moving is tough and while you don't want to ignore your friendships, it's also not fair for her to expect you to ignore your marriage. There's a balance. I think she should be able to see you once a week.

Also, it may not be the best solution but I live by myself and I watch a lot of television. Yes, sometimes it sucks to be alone but she should also try to enjoy it. Sometimes I just go out to movies by myself or to a museum or to a favourite part of town. There's nothing wrong with getting used to (and enjoying) time by yourself.

AP: defriend. Seriously, I think that people take the term "friend" way too seriously on Facebook. Just send her a message about why you're defriending her and then defriend her.
auralpoison
QUOTE(stargazer @ Nov 23 2009, 08:13 PM) *
Dude, first of all, don't assign me your guilt baggage. Not cool. I don't remember ever having a conversation about this chick with you. After racking my brain, I think I vaguely remember you talking/IMing/whatever about someone who called you occasionally drunk. After reading your post, my response is the response I felt to give you based on the information you shared in your post.


Um, WTF? I wasn't assigning you my "guilt baggage". I apologize if that's how it sounded, because that wasn't my intent. All I said is that we talked about it, you made me rethink the way I handled things & that it made me feel bad. The conversation was a long time ago & it may not have stuck with you, but it stuck with me since I very rarely doubt myself. My instincts are pretty good most of the time. Anyway, you got a bit shrink-y on me, I mean, that's your job isn't it? To make people examine the choices they have made? So I did. And I suddenly felt shitty about something I did even though I knew it was the right choice at the right time. You weren't actively trying to make me feel shitty; you aren't the sort to run around making people feel bad, but I did. So I thought, "Hey, why not try & repent? Be a bigger person here, it's been several years." Which was stupid of ME. I decided to do something against my better judgement. You may have inspired the change of heart, but you're certainly not at fault for my being a fucking idiota & letting this dink back into my life. This shit? Is ALLLLLLL mine. I'm tipping the emotional baggage skycap, not you.
buttercups
Ugh home alone on a Friday night, irritated and need to get my frustrations out!

I feel like like I've always been a good friend. I can be pretty introverted and I def fight it bc I feel guilty not doing what friends want. I also have a bf and I've always tried to make time for both my friends and my bf, even putting my friends over my bf on several occasions, trying really hard not to be "that" girl. I'm a people pleaser and as a result of that I've become a total doormat, but that's just another issue. I've never had a great friend who treated me as nicely as I treat them. Friends always f*&k me over and I just can't figure out why.

The reason I'm home alone tonight is bc my best friend in the world, the one I've held over all others, has completely chosen a group of asshole guys over me (and this is far from the first time). Some of these guys are my bfs friends and they have treated me like total shit, and they've treated my best friend, Z, like shit too. These guys are rude and put down women whenever possible. They treat me like a dumb blonde anytime I'm around them and are completely disrespectful. Even though these guys have made inappropriate comments to me in front of my bf and Z, neither of them have ever stuck up for me. They are non-confrontational and so am I, but at least I can stick up for the people that matter to me, and I wouldn't dare let these guys treat Z like they treat me. I may have trouble sticking up for myself, but I've always stuck up for her. Sometimes when these guys make racist comments around me and her, I will say something and stick up for her and she just forgives them and makes me look like I'm being an overly sensitive idiot, even though I know the things they've said have upset her. They all give her attention since she's one of the few girls that hangs out with them, and she's had self-esteem issues in the past and really craves this attention, but even though I understand that it still hurts when she chooses them over me. She's started hanging out with this group all the time and the invitations from her have stopped coming. My bf tries to tell me it's bc she knows I don't like hanging out with this group, but she never tries to hang out with just me anymore and I'm always the one doing the asking now. I don't think I'm being jealous bc I've let this slide so many times, but please correct me if I'm wrong. Tonight was one of her "new friends'" birthdays and I told her to let me know what was going on for tonight saying I would go with her. She told me she'd def let me know, but I've yet to hear from her. I know she's out with them bc these guys have contacted my bf to invite him and she's definitely with them. I was waiting for her call, but now its almost midnight so I guess she's out with her new friends and that's that. I don't want to be upset, but I feel like I'm just not important to her anymore and if she can choose this group of assholes over me, then how much can I matter? I'm not even asking her to choose, just to include me more or at least make plans with me once in awhile. I'm hurt and I've had things like this happen way too many times for me to feel like I should be the one approaching her about it.

My other friends use me a lot, even asking me to go to the grocery store to buy their groceries for them when I'm on my way to their house. I know, why do I do these things? You're probably thinking its my fault for letting them treat me that way, and you're right. I say everything's fine and ok when it's really not, but I have so much trouble sticking up for myself. Its gotten to the point where I feel like I don't have a real friend in the world and never have bc people always use me. I'm so sad and depressed about this and I've always had friends who take advantage of me, so it must be something I'm doing. I have never asked people for anything and I guess people never know who I really am bc I'm always trying to do what they want and putting on a happy face. No one knows my real problems except for maybe my bf, but I'm so used to getting dicked over by friends that I can't open up to anyone. I don't know how to stop being "nice" and even now I'm feeling guilty wondering if I should contact Z just so she doesn't think I'm mad at her or something crazy like that, even though I've been mad about this for months now. I'm wondering if I should stop contacting her and drop her as a friend, but now that I'm older I don't have nearly as many friends as I'm used to and I regret cutting people out of my life from the past, even though I only cut out the people that did bad things and hurt me. What do you ladies think? I feel like I've given her plenty of chances, only to get shit on. Would you keep going out of your way for this person?

p.s. sorry for the long post, I'm just feeling so bad tonight.
anna k
buttercups, your friend Z is being unreasonable, and she may feel like she wants these guys' approval, so she just goes with whatever they say, no matter how asshole-ish they sound. Know that you are true and honest, a great personality, and that you can't feel guilty if your friend makes the unwise choice to hang out with these guys. It isn't anything you did. People can be flaky, or neglect someone for somebody else, and it isn't about you, it's their own self to deal with. Worst case scenario: if she makes plans with you then breaks them for the guys, be honest with her about how you feel. She doesn't sound like a real friend anymore, you need people who really care and support you in your life, even if you have just one friend. I only have one real close friend, who is a guy, and have acquaintances and casual in different parts of my life. It can feel frustrating to not have a close group of girlfriends, but know that it's better than not having anyone to talk to, and I can always meet them at dance class, at work, at occasional parties, and enjoy their company without much expectations.

As for your friends treating you like a doormat, I know how hard it can be to speak up and not try to come off the wrong way. Your friends may not realize that they're taking advantage of you, thinking that you're so nice and helpful and don't think anything of asking you to do these things. Next time they ask you to go out for groceries, ask if any of them want to come with you, or that you need help. Something to bring in one of them, and maybe put a little guilt trip on them for taking advantage of you. You're so strong and intelligent and a wonderful person, and you can freak 'em out a little when you stand up for yourself. If they are your true friends, they will realize their mistakes, and if they leave, they weren't worth it in the first place. Don't feel bad about cutting people out of your life who weren't true friends or healthy for you. It's rare to find real, true friends, and people move a lot and change in life, few people have the exact same friends for years.

I hope this helps you out, I'm a little gunshy when giving advice.
Persiflager
(((buttercups))) I'm so sorry you're feeling rotten. I honestly can't tell if your friends are all horrible people who you should cut out of your life, or if the relationships can be fixed with a bit of communication. If you think it's the latter, I've got some thoughts (and have put them in sub-headings because I REALLY have time on my hands).

Friends taking advantage of you
This can crop up with partners, housemates, colleagues etc as well - it's very easy to have completely different expectations of a relationship, and to put different interpretations on actions based on those differing expectations. I could easily imagine being the friend who'd ask you to pick up milk on your way over to my house, but then I'd expect you to feel free to do the same (and I probably wouldn't really keep track of whether or not you did). I wouldn't know that you thought that was unfair unless you told me (I'm assuming your friends pay you back, otherwise that really is unacceptable).

Look, friendship has to have a bit of give and take. Maybe some of your friends think you don't need them because you never ask for their help?

Suggested actions:

- Continue being nice, but start asking those friends for favours too. Either you'll find that this is what they expect in a friendship, and you'll both benefit, or they'll flake out and you'll know they're not worth bothering with.
- Start saying 'no'. You don't have to give a reason or have a big discussion about it. Everyone needs boundaries, and real friends won't like you any less for setting them.
- Make a joke of it: "What am I, your mom?" Make them realise they're taking advantage of you by mocking them.

Your friend Z
She's being lame, and she knows it which is why she's avoiding you! You know why she's doing it - she's getting attention from these guys (possibly one in particular?), and it's something you can't provide. She thinks 'it's ok for buttercups, she already has a boyfriend'. And she doesn't want to hang out with you and them at the same time because you make her less cool in their estimation (and she feels guilty about not standing up for you).

I'd make plans with her for some time when you know she won't be hanging out with them, like lunch, and tell her how you feel. Ask her to make time for you on a regular basis, even if it's not as often as before, then leave it up to her. And make plans with other girl friends who aren't amused by dicks.

buttercups
Thanks Anna K and Persiflager for your great advice! Little update- I texted Z last night at 12: 30 a.m. asking her if she was at the party (even though I knew she was)- I have yet to get a response back...sooo I'm feeling like I'm pretty much done at this point, even though that could just be my anger talking.

You're both right, I know I need to communicate how I feel more and it is a possibility that these girls just really don't think they're doing anything wrong. Persiflager, I really like the idea about making a joke of it, that's much more my style. I guess it's something I'm really going to have to work on. My mom says she was completely non-confrontational until she had kids and then she was forced to act. Hopefully that won't be the case for me cause I don't want kids haha.

As for Z, I'm wondering if I'm being too harsh by thinking I just don't need her as a friend anymore, bc she has been my best friend, regardless of how good of one she's been lately. I'm going to wait and see if she contacts me today and if not, I'm just going to not really contact her until she does and just not invite her to things like I normally would. Guess I'm going to wait and see if she comes to me, and if she does I won't be all too eager to take her up on anything just yet. I'm going out with some other friends tonight and I'm evil-y hoping that she does ask me to do something just so I can tell her I have other plans, but I guess that's really high school-esque and not too nice of me, so I'll just plan to do that in my head and probably not act on it haha. Sometimes I really hate girls! I just want a good girlfriend who will never stab me in the back or dick me over, is that too much to ask?
Persiflager
Also "What did your last slave die of?" - it's a classic for a reason!

I think that's fair with regards to Z. I predict that it'll go one of two ways - she'll hang out with them for a while until they upset her too much and then she'll come running back, or she'll end up dating one of them until she gets her heart broken and then comes running back.

Useful article with advice on how to say no to friends.
buttercups
Thanks Persiflager, that article is soo me hahaha, I needed that! Z has contacted me since and is talking to me like nothings ever happened- I guess because I'm letting her. *sigh *
stargazer
(((buttercups))) Sorry to hear z is still being into herself. I think in terms of your friendships overall...just setting boundaries and saying no can be a starter in changing the dynamics in your relationships. Also, making friends with people who value mutuality like it sounds you do in friendships. I would use the joking with saying no to a limit 'cause it sounds passive aggressive to me and people may take you less seriously if you joke about your needs all the time.
nickclick
buttercups, i don't think you need to put Z in either side of the BFF/never-see-again spectrum just yet. i don't know how old you are, but i'm 34, and one of the biggest lessons i've learned (the hard way) is that all of my friends are good for certain needs, both yours and theirs - laughing, crying, book-swapping, concert-going, etc. and each friend is not always in that category forever and ever. the friendships arc at different points.... at the low points, we come in here and complain! and try to manage problems. anna, persiflager and star offered great suggestions.

i can't offer much more because i'm also the strong-but-silent type who seems to be a sponge for crazy. thanks, persiflager for posting that article. i said yes to my needy friend when she asked to sleepover tonite. i'm busy but not too busy, but the reason is silly and i'm disappointed in myself for participating. her younger sister is getting married today in another state and then driving to their parents', arriving late tonite. needy friend doesn't want to be woken up or bothered by them, so she's escaping. i know the real reason is that she's jealous her younger sister is married before her, coupled with the facts that she's living again with their parents and is a typical Leo that craves attention and will not be at the center for a few days. anyways, she'll be over tonite and she's on the low point of her arc right now and i'm helping the best i can. but yeah, i have to learn to not be so quick with the yeses.
buttercups
Hey everyone, thanks for all your great advice as usual. I've got another little dilemma and you guys are always the ones offering the best advice so here it goes...

I am one of the only ones of my friends who is in a relationship..actually I might be the only one haha. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve of course and I'm having trouble deciding who to spend it with. I could either spend it with A) my bf and his friends (who as many of you know I don't care for) and my best friend Z (who I've forgiven..) at one of the boy's houses, B ) my girlfriends (including Z) drinking and partying at a girl's night, or C) just me and my bf. I've been dating my bf for almost 2 years now, so it's not like it's a new relationship. Should I just let him go alone to his friend's house and I go alone to my girl's night? Or should we be together? How important is it for couples to be together on New Years? I'd of course like to be with him, but I also don't want to ditch my friends. My other girlfriends can't come to his friend's house because they don't know him. Not quite sure what to do...and I hate how I always find myself in these situations. I understand that it's really hard for a lot of single girls to be the only one at a party full of couples, but it's also hard for someone in a relationship to be the only person in one with a bunch of people who don't have bfs/gfs. What would you do?
Persiflager
Well, I don't think there's any need for you to martyr yourself by signing up to an evening with people you don't like! I'd go for girls night or quality couple time. Do you know what he'd prefer? And which do you think would be more fun?

I don't think there's any problem with celebrating NYE separately if that's what suits you both - it's not a particularly meaningful occasion to me. That said, a quiet NYE can be very romantic wink.gif
ketto
I've been friends with this woman for about...4 or 5 years now. We knew each other from a group we both attended when we were 18 but then reconnected in our 20's and became friends (instead of acquaintances). We were both single at the time and at really similar places in our lives and just seemed to click so well. We were best friends for two years. Now we're both in long term relationships, living with our SO's and we don't see each other as much but for the past year and I just feel us drifting further and further.

I honestly don't know how we connected so well in the past. We used to have these huge long stoner discussions and had such a great time hanging out and just having long conversations and listening to good music, talking about new books I'd introduced her to, or our philosophies on relationships and life. Now I find that she really spouts off on things she has no knowledge of and it makes me cringe. She says things that I find really offensive from a feminist and racial standpoint. She said she thinks feminists are too angry and don't get their message across. When I tried explaining that maybe people have a reason to be angry and fed up it was clear she just didn't get it. She always wants everyone to be nice and civil and doesn't understand why people are so angry at protests and things like that.

She also tries to give me unsolicited relationship advice which drives me nuts. I was just talking about an issue paperboy and I had with cleaning but that we talked about it and it was no big deal but she suggested I had to think of a solution and then make paperboy think he had thought of the solution. huh.gif It's cool that her partner and her have a dynamic that works for them but I wish she would respect the fact that everyone's relationships are different.

We hung out recently and had dinner together and I had a great time and was wondering if I had just been imagining everything but on the ride home I was ready to say goodbye after some uncomfortable racial conversations. I'm not exactly sure why but I feel like I can't jump in and share my opinion because I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing her all the time and I don't want to feel like I'm "teaching" my friend. I feel really bad because I feel like there's this weird divide because she has basic knowledge about all this stuff I'm interested in but I've actually studied or worked in those worlds and have a totally different, and I think more realistic, perspective.

I guess I just needed to vent. We only see each other about once a month now but I can't believe we were so close and now I have a totally different opinion. I think she changed a lot when she started seeing her guy, and I like him, but I dunno...things are just soooooo different. I don't want to cut her out completely but I find myself wanting to hang out less and less.
ketto
I completely forgot I made the post below. Said friend recently broke up with her boyfriend so I thought maybe things would go back to the way I feel like they used to be. After not seeing each other for a few weeks we went for lunch yesterday and she said something like, "I'm totally racist to middle eastern men, but they give me a reason to be." Wow.
Persiflager
Wow indeed. Is that the good kind of racist? blink.gif
stargazer
QUOTE(ketto @ Jul 16 2010, 08:27 AM) *
After not seeing each other for a few weeks we went for lunch yesterday and she said something like, "I'm totally racist to middle eastern men, but they give me a reason to be." Wow.


Really? That's crazy. I guess I've realized that some relationships/friendships are not meant to last forever, but, serve a purpose in our lives at the time. This friend might've been cool a couple of years ago, but, does not seem to have grown as an individual in that time.

I think I've realized that I am too understanding of people and do not notice the red flags (just like with dating) that occur at the beginning of a friendship. I've been actively weeding out the 1 sided friendships in the past 7 years of my life.

Lunalu
So I'm just following up my friend's issue actually from the socially inept thread. I don't have much to say, but the issues with my girlfriend about dishonesty, and flakiness still going on... and I feel like I'm back to my highschool days.. and it's been so long since I'm so done with really petty, and stupid girlfriend emotional fights, yet with this girl, it's almost getting into that pattern.
as a last point in our friendship, she finally vomited her anger, and told me I was being very selfish, and not appreciating all the things she did for me only when I confronted her nicely about the promises / plans she never follows through.
I'm asking myself since when true real friends have been counting all the favors they've done for each other, and why she feels attacked and guilty only when i tell her I don't accept her behavior, and don't deserve her sudden angry attacks when I point out her dishonesty... I do feel that things happen in everyone's lives, and you make a promise and sometimes not able to follow up on them. But when this happens to me, I feel truly sad for not keeping my promise, and I don't make this into a pattern with my other friends. But with her, this is becoming a pattern.
I just feel like I really don't need bullshit friendships in my life at this point, like I'm perfectly okay to be by myself, but at the same time I do question if I'm doing something wrong when I'm picky about who to be friends with, like what kind of boundaries one should keep, and what kind of boundaries can be slipped by... I'm sometimes questioning if I'm being too rigid with my boundaries, but like I said, I don't have patience and tolerance for flakiness, and dishonesty...
buttercups
Sooo i have a good friend who went away this past semester to do a clinical rotation and is now back, needing to finish up some things for graduation, and staying at my house...with my parents. I live at home, and my parents aren't really used to house guests. They agreed to have her stay for a week and a half, which was suppsoed to be april 27th. Recently, she announced that until she gets this paper that she has to write written and approved, she'll be here. She extended that date to May 1. Now I am also in school, very busy with work, classes, and clinical rotations, and I am hardly ever home until after 7 as a result. She is left alone with my mom alot- who goes to work at 5 am and gets home at 1 pm, and it is very awkward for my mom to be home alone with her. Today, my friend says she doesn't have to go back home until May 5, extending the stay even longer. Now this will be 3 weeks. None of her other friends can have her stay with them, and honestly it is just too long. My parents were already put out with the week and a half, idk how I can tell them it will be another week on top of that. I don't want to throw my friend out when she has nowhere to go, but I don't know what to do. 3 weeks is an awfully long time to impose upon someone and their parents. If I had my own place that would be one thing, but I don't. Any ideas on how I could handle this without making anyone mad or being rude?
Persiflager
Wow, that's really rude! How can she think it's ok to stay longer without asking first?!

Could you tell her you've got relatives coming to stay after the 27th, so she can't stay after that?

It sounds like she could be out of there sooner if she really tried to get the paper done quickly.
auralpoison
That is so horribly, horribly rude. It's one thing for her to ask if she could extend her stay, it's another to just announce it to you & assume it's okay. Did she even approach your parents about it or does she just expect you to handle it for her?

I don't think there is any way for you to handle this & walk out unscathed. She's gonna be pissed if she has to scramble (But really, she should have asked & begged to stay & she should have had a f'ing back up plan in place in case of emergency!) & your folks are gonna be pissed if they let her stay: You're fucked. You have to either come up with a compromise that suits everybody or suck it up & get over the fact that ain't nobody gonna be happy in this situation.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND LYING TO HER ABOUT IT. If family isn't coming, do not tell her there is; lying just adds resentment. If you can't figure out something with your folks (Like maybe she can stay until the thirtieth, but after that she hits the bricks), you have to tell her that the agreed upon time is all that is available to her, period. She has been a guest in your home & she was welcome, but that staying any longer is just NOT possible. And the sooner you tell her this, the better. It's incentive to use use her time wisely.

Buttercups, I know you don't like confrontation & that you'd prefer it it everybody just played nice, but life just doesn't work that way. There's gonna be hurt feelings here & there's not much you can do about it. Sometimes people just have to get over their mad & get glad & it sounds like that is gonna have to be your friend as it is your parents' abode & not yours.
stargazer
I agree with, AP. Don't lie to her. Talk with your parents and see if they are willing to agree to the end of the month. I'm sure she will find someplace else to stay.
pollystyrene
"Fish and houseguests smell after three days." ~Benjamin Franklin

Just tell her that you and your family have enjoyed your time with her, but you're afraid that her spending more time beyond what was initially agreed upon is becoming an imposition on you and your family and you want to be able to stay friends with her, so unfortunately, she's going to have to make alternate plans.
buttercups
Thanks ladies, you are all right * sigh * I hate confrontation. Guess I'll have to woman up!! My parents said they can handle until the end of this week and that's it. I feel bad that I've put them in this position. I really wouldn't mind if it was my own place, but it is just too much of me to ask of them. I think that for whatever reason my friend just doesn't realize it, and I do want to preserve our friendship of course. : (

P.S. pollystyrene I love that quote, my moms been saying it all week hahah
foryoursplendor
I've had a male friend that I've visited every year in England. He's been one of my closest friends since we were teenagers. We've always had a weird, pseudo-sexual relationship and have always been emotionally dependent on each other. The last 2 times I went to visit, he was weird. I think his weirdness has something to do with a recent break-up with a serious girlfriend. He was terribly in love, yet slept shared a bed with me while I visited (nothing happened). We also remained way too emotionally dependent on each other for way too long during our respective relationships we've had with other people over the years. Our emails were more like journal entries than friendly letters, and that's an easy habit to fall into with someone who you rarely see. If we had been single during my visits to England, we would have had yearly passionate flings. So much bottled up stuff going on there.

Anyway, last summer we didn't have a good time visiting for a few reasons that are unrelated to our already weird relationship. Because of his previous weirdness the year before, I decided that enough was enough and I haven't had any contact with him since August of 2010. I changed my blackberry settings a few weeks ago, so I haven't been getting my emails from my old account. I checked today and he'd sent me an email a few weeks ago that said that he's had a dream about me and that he hopes all is well. It's been 8 months since we've had any contact. Terror and intrigue shot through me. I don't want to get tangled in that emotional black hole again, but I also despise that most of my fun travel memories in England include him and I'd like to remember them positively. Maybe speaking again could be an okay thing? We had a positive relationship for many years, he's a teacher (I'm studying to be a teacher), I do honestly miss him, but I'm just not sure if we can ever have a really healthy "friend" relationship. We may revert back to forbidden-foreign-secret-sexy-emotionally charged- friend mode, and I can't allow that. I don't know what to do.
stargazer
QUOTE(foryoursplendor @ May 9 2011, 07:02 AM) *
We had a positive relationship for many years, he's a teacher (I'm studying to be a teacher), I do honestly miss him, but I'm just not sure if we can ever have a really healthy "friend" relationship.


Whatever comes after the "but" in a sentence is usually how a person really feels. It sounds like you know what you need to do. It is just the emotional letting go part that is tough. In the end, it just doesn't sound healthy for you. Sounds like it took alot for you to stop communicating in the first place.

buttercups, did you ever speak with your friend who was staying with you?
foryoursplendor
Thanks for the reply, Stargazer.

My English friend and I have been chatting. He disclosed that he broke up with his girlfriend a week ago. He'd been with this girl for 8 months, which is exactly how long we haven't talked. It is also the time of year that I usually plan a trip to visit England, and would normally be having a lot of contact with him to plan meet-ups. I don't think I'm going to England this summer (the first time I haven't gone since 2006) because I'm 1/2 way through a second degree and I've got no money!

Anyway, in our chat, he said he was sorry for last summer, for being a jerk, he thinks about me all the time, he misses me and that he feels he owes me something and would like to come to Canada to visit.

...think healthy thoughts, healthy friendship... HEALTHY!
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