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ananke
I used to tear probably 40% of the time until I got pregnant. Now I don't tear at all. Which seems weird. But that would be a stinging sensation where I tear (perineum) and blood on the toilet paper/baby wipe. Never the next day, but we tend to be careful because more tearing = less sex.

And about orgasming with a partner - I always felt like I took too long. Always. Even though there was that time I came three times in under 5 minutes. I always felt like it was this big chore or something. Til I was playing around with my husband and he tied me up and just loved on me for about half a hour before we actually started having sex - turns out he likes long slow sex more than I thought. So I stopped being so nervous about it, and let myself take as long as I needed to. Which meant I stopped fantasising as well, because I didn't feel the pressure to push the issue.
ananke
Double up!
epinephrine
Candycane and Lilpink, I used to have the same problem. It happened so often I started to worry and asked several different doctors what it was, but they all just waved it off and said since all my pap smears and pelvic exams always came back clear it was probably nothing. None of them knew why I bled 4 years after losing my virginity, and they didn't seem to worry about it. I did notice, however, that it always coincided with heavy G-spot stimulation, which (for me) is only possible with fingers. The blood was always a little darker, too, more like menstrual blood than fresh blood, and there wasn't any pain. My fairly uneducated guess is that it is menstrual spotting brought on by uterine contractions.
TARA

QUOTE(LilPinkElectricChair @ Dec 15 2008, 01:58 PM) *
How odd! i was just going to come in here and ask the same question! I'm not sure whether I should shrug it off to rough sex or if it's actually something I should get checked out.



I have the same quetion. My new b/f went down on me last night and got fairly rough with his fingers (not to get all graphic) I was well lubed and it didn't hurt but later noticed some blood in my panties. It's slightly sore today nothing I am too worried about...but is this normal and or ok? He really is into rough sex and I enjoy it but is there anything I should do before or after???
pollystyrene
This was posted on another message board I post on. Some of it's kinda funny, some of it totally true, but you can tell it was written by someone who wasn't very adventurous. Probably a good list for beginners.

My thoughts were:
#27 cracked me up- so true. LeBoy does not have this problem. We both have to sleep in that bed, so we try to keep things tidy.

I'm not sure if I agree with #3, at least not completely. No, it's not pleasant when you're kissing, but a little texture when he's performing oral sex is kinda nice.

Ugh, #390 LeBoy does this all the time. He'll go to change positions and he'll put his elbow down on some part of me. Hurts like hell, and I have to yell at him. It's like he gets in the zone and forgets I'm there.

#2- WTF? who told them blowing in our ears was a turn on? I guess feeling his breath near my ear or whatever is sexy, but not blowing into my ear.
zoya
true, I would agree that it's definitely more a list for beginners - but it is funny -

for example - no. 5 - I love. granted, I'd rather someone know me a bit better than to just chomp on my nipples the first time we hop in the sack, but I'm a fan of the nipple bite. As with no. 6. A good hard tweak is nice!

21 - so true. there have been a few times in my life where in my head it's like "jesus, would ya come already?!!" it starts to get a little dry and uncomfortable in there when you go on too long.

27 - see, now, I LOVE being cum on. love it. I love watching guys get themselves off and come on me. or pull out and come on my back. yay for cum!! laundry, be damned! smile.gif

31 - I'm down with the candle wax, yo.

... ok, so I like it a bit rough. what can I say?


and oh god no. 22 is sooo true. an old boyfriend of mine would ask me literally EVERY time we had sex "have you come yet?" which totally ruined it for me. He's the only guy I've ever faked it with, really just so he wouldn't go on for ages after he'd asked me, making me completely lose my momentum. I went out with him for 2 years and even though I was upset when we broke up, it was such a relief the next time I had sex, to NOT have someone asking constantly.
auralpoison
Yeah, definitely a beginners list.

#2 Seriously. WTF? I don't like when they stick their tongues in there either. The shell of the ear, the lobe, okay, but not IN my ear.

#5 I dig it. I do. A LOT. Down with #6 too.

#21 Get it the fuck over with already. I have actually stopped a man, stripped off the condom & wanked/blew him to get it done. I did have to work the next day.

#22 I hate it when they ask. Even if I didn't it still felt good.

#24 I hate the nudge. Worse the shoulder push.

#26 He wants to pet my hair, whatever, okay. But when they grab your head & try to go for broke without discussion . . . I spit it out.

#27 I don't mind being come on as long as it is judicious. I don't want it in my eyes or hair. And it's not like I wasn't gonna wash the sheets anyway.

#37 I likes me some dirty talk as long as it's not too cheesy.



pollystyrene
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jan 10 2009, 07:32 AM) *
#2 Seriously. WTF? I don't like when they stick their tongues in there either. The shell of the ear, the lobe, okay, but not IN my ear.


Ha, I'm pretty sure "wet willy" should have a completely different meaning in the context of sex!

I think with #5 & 6, there's a difference between conscious nipple play and just grabbing and twisting. Until they know what you like, they start soft and work their way up.
stargazer
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jan 10 2009, 09:32 AM) *
#27 I don't mind being come on as long as it is judicious. I don't want it in my eyes or hair. And it's not like I wasn't gonna wash the sheets anyway.


yeah, i agree. don't cum on the moneymaker. anywhere else is fine. just stay away from the face and hair.

the list was interesting. seemed a little nitpicky. i wonder if she even likes sex. anywho...kissing is a big thing. i hate it when men shove their tongues in my throat. jazzman was a horrible kisser. great at fucking, but a horrible kisser. best kisser remains my exgf. i didn't feel like i was drowning in spit.
ketto
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jan 10 2009, 09:32 AM) *
#2 Seriously. WTF? I don't like when they stick their tongues in there either. The shell of the ear, the lobe, okay, but not IN my ear.



Oh god, that's the worst. I've had 3 different guys put their tongues in my ear. Who told them that feels good?!!?!? It's awful, it feels so gross.
dayglowpink
I like most of the things on that list that she says never to do. To each her own! wink.gif
dayglowpink
In other news, I tore or irritated my perineum about a month and a half ago, and it's been bothering me off and on every since. I think it happened when we had anal without enough lube one time during a week where we had sex every day while we were on vacation. Ever since then, every couple of times we have sex, it flares up again and gets all sore and stingy. In addition to that, I've been having more irritation and stinging in my urethra and outer vagina, too. I did go to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and I had a minor yeast infection which was treated. Things have been better since then but still a little off. I think part of it has been psychological, too, as we've been having some troubles in our relationship. Anyway, it's frustrating. I know probably the best thing to do would be to go without penetration for like two weeks to give everything time to heal, but that's annoying to me, too, and I'd have a hard time sticking to it. Ugh.
candycane_girl
dayglow, ouch! Maybe you should hold off on sex until it feels completely healed.

I'm just wondering, have any of you busties ever had a threesome with another woman? What was it like? I've been in a threesome before but I was the third person and it was with a couple. I was just wondering if there is any kind of etiquette or anything that should be followed.
dayglowpink
Thanks, candycane. My boyfriend is out of town for work for a week, so hopefully that will help!

I've had a threesome with my boyfriend and another girl (actually we did it twice with the same girl). I'm pretty sure I posted about it somewhere on here, maybe on portions? I'm not sure about etiquette, I think everything depends on each person's comfort level. For us, it was an old friend of my boyfriend's whom he has been hooking up with off and on since high school. She was nervous but into the idea. He pretty much set everything up, but I txted and flirted with her a bunch before it actually happened. I absolutely loved the whole thing. It's a huge fantasy of mine, and it was tons of fun. I wish we could have played together more, but schedules never worked out, and then she got a boyfriend. I wish I could have threesomes all the time! I haven't had much success with finding other girls who are into it, but I'm not a very social person, and I haven't had luck on the internet either. What else would you like to know?
culturehandy
I've also had threesomes before, as a couple and as a single. I found ti so much easier to have three friends get together and fuck. With drinks or whatever beforehand to see you how you feel about the person. Plus anytime you have that second set of hands and the second mouth...always good times.

Etiquette? Hmm...not too sure about that, I honestly can't remember, the second time I had a threesome was so much better and such a positive experience all around.

Dayglow, it is so hard to find a third person! I cannot tell you how much I struggle with this, finding someone who's into threesomes, sweet! Finding the other man or woman...fuck. Trying to arrange a threesome with two men is so hard, especially when one is a lover of DP like I am. I've resigned myself to the fact that it probably won't happen again.
dolor
I'm shopping for a new vibrator... One to help out both in a solo and couple situation.

I know I've seen threads here where the ladies have been talking about their faves and dis-faves...
but where were those threads?

Any suggestions?

(will be appreciated!)
girltrouble
i think most of those vibrator reviews are in the masturbation thread...

kindly bumped by aural! <3
Sststststutter
hey ladies... i tried searching this question in old posts but i was surprised that i couldn't find any discussions on the topic...

So, i used to be a believer in the theory that all orgasms are clitoral. I'm very familiar with the clitoral orgasm, whether its via my own hand or my boyfriend's, and the process of being brought to a peak, contracting and coming, and then feeling too sensitive to be touched for a hot minute. I always thought i didn't have the focus to reach orgasm during sex because there was too much going on, and i couldn't concentrate like i could when i was just being touched. But lately i've been experiencing a feeling during sex that's different than my concept of clitoral orgasm... more of an "oh my goddd" amazing feeling that recurs but I can't tell if i'm contracting or not, but it does feel sort of like a shudder through my whole body. sometimes it makes me break the rhythm for a second, too. and i dont' have to be on top for this to happen, it happens in every position we've tried. I feel like this is probably me having an orgasm... but i just don't know (and feel a little dumb for not being able to tell).

Does anyone else feel like they orgasm differently, manually vs during sex?
culturehandy
Th;is jsut came up in the masturbation thread about the differences in orgasms with or without a partner.

I said I did notice a difference, to be perfectly blunt (would I ever be any less?) sometimes having an orgasm when you're stuffed full of dick makes a huge difference.

But really, there is a difference when you are with a partner, it is a whole difference experience, and there is anticipation and whatnot.

Sststststutter
yeah, i read that in the masturbation thread. i guess i'm referring more to when my boyfriend gets me off by touching me vs what i feel when i'm having sex with him, rather than sex vs using a vibrator. but you're right that there's a huge difference between sex with your partner and getting yourself off- and merits to both!
neurotic.nelly
Hey Sststststutter, orgasms during penetration sex feels like waves of ecstasy for me. Intense and short bursts, like whips of energetic passion. The strongest orgasms for me are from clitoral stimulation and penetration whether it's manual or with a partner during sex. But then again, I've never tried anal.
culturehandy
Welcome to the lounge anabolix,

few things, you should introduce yourself in the newbies thread. Coming in a whoring out your business in your first post is troll-y.

If you are legit, we have a shameless self promotion thread, which can be found here.

if you have no intention of either, go away.
bottleblack
So last night my mister started pleasuring me with his fingers. I was enjoying it and was getting into it when all of a sudden...he yawned. This totally killed the mood for me and I moved his hand away. Yawned? Really? Is this boring you? He didn't understand why I wanted him to stop or why it bothered me. He said he was enjoying it he just wanted to relax his jaw or something...right...am I weird to be turned off by this??
konphusion26
QUOTE(bottleblack @ Feb 12 2009, 08:45 PM) *
So last night my mister started pleasuring me with his fingers. I was enjoying it and was getting into it when all of a sudden...he yawned. This totally killed the mood for me and I moved his hand away. Yawned? Really? Is this boring you? He didn't understand why I wanted him to stop or why it bothered me. He said he was enjoying it he just wanted to relax his jaw or something...right...am I weird to be turned off by this??


No you are not weird... that is crappy. Imagine your mister yawning then falling asleep while doing it. Yeah... been there. So I feel your pain. You have every right to be miffed. You could've done it yourself for all that.

(((bottleblack)))
Laurenzorro
Does anyone have any tips on initiating sex? Me and the husband have different needs when it comes to sex......He can go for weeks on end without it whereas I start to go crazy after a few days! He's my first sexual partner and it's difficult for me to get things started. I guess most of the time I would rather go without than be rejected time and time again.

He says I just need to let him know if I'm hanging out as he is aware that I feel under-sexed. I just don't know how!

Help?!
culturehandy
Just do it. Tell him you want to get fucked, get on him, kiss him. Just do waht you feel like doing.

I'm a really in your face type of person, so I guess it would depend on what you're comfortable with.
hellcat
Good question Laurenzorro! I was just there for 3 years and wasn't able to find a solution. I tried to send him saucy emails during the day to get him ready for later, I tried to surprise him when he got home from work, I tried cleaning/cooking to get into his pants, gave massages, wore slutty tops, flirted with his friends (...thought maybe he'd get jealous and relcaim me- yes I know), herbal libido enhancers, booze, pron, I also tried waiting. After five weeks of 0 action he didn't even know. Ugh.

Oh, crap! I apologize over my negative experience. Albeit, there were some depression/illness issues thrown into the mix. I will, however, say that sometimes sexual compatability can just be a miss and that 'effin sucks. Balls. Well, probably not balls in this case. Sucky suck.

~*~*~*~*sexy time vibes for bottleback~*~*~*~*~
kittenb
Consider letting him know early in the day if you want to have sex that night. Text him something dirty and make him think about it all day. That might help. smile.gif Sure works on me.
stargazer
Huh?
auralpoison
The nasal spray is a baffler, but I've had experience with the other & it is AWESOME. One of the perks of fucking a scientist is that they're curious & like to experiment.
kittenb
A conversation in another thread has lead to me to ask this question. I feel kind of stupid that I don't know the answer but I am no one's idea of a sex-pert.

Some people (apparently Suzi Bright) believe that woman can only have clitoral orgasms. Well, I can have clitoral orgasms. However, sometimes my orgasms feel...deeper. Kind of like a deep thruming as opposed to the high and clear bell of a clitoral orgasm. It almost always happens when I am on top. So is that a G-Spot orgasm? Dosn't the whole idea of the G-Spot mean that women can have vaginal orgasms as well as clit orgasms? Why is this even an important debate? As long as everyone is having orgasms and no one is getting hurt why are some people still vested in teaching that we can only have clit orgasms?

I am very confused.
roseviolet
Kitten, since I started that other conversation, I figured I should reply. I can only speak from my own experience. I get a feeling that CH might be more knowledgeable on this subject.

My orgasms usually come from deep vaginal penetration. It's most effective if the guy hits my cervix. I typically need a minute to work up to the point where I'm stimulated enough for that to feel good, but it doesn't take too long. When I climax, the sensations can vary. Most of the time it's a deep, pulsing, contracting feeling or an opening, "blooming" sensation. When it's really good, those feelings radiate out into a sparkly, tingle that goes down to my toes.

My husband can actually feel when I climax. I asked him what it feels like from his point of view and he says it's hard to describe. He says I sometimes feel tighter, but that really isn't it, either. He just says it feels better somehow. Sweeter. Maybe we'll go on a fact finding mission later so he can come up with some more descriptive terms.

*cough*

I'm not sure about g spot stimulation. From what I've read, the g spot is at a fairly shallow place in the vaginal canal, so I don't think that's what I'm experiencing. As for clitoral orgasms, that has only happened to me a few times in my life. I remember it definitely seemed to have a higher pitch, if that makes sense. Your bell metaphor sounds a lot like what I remember.

I agree that all orgasms are good orgasms. Whatever feels good is good!

Funny story:
One night when I was at a bar with a bunch of friends, the conversation turned to sex. Unfortunately, I had drank a bit too much at that point and ... well, during a sudden lull in conversation I proclaimed, "I love deep dickin'!" loud enough to be heard by several bystanders. To top it off, the music on the juke box had ended at just that precise moment. Basically, my love of deep, penetrative intercourse echoed throughout the bar. My friends have never let me live this down. You can hardly blame them!
candycane_girl
Any time I've had a G spot orgasm it has been with the use of fingers or a properly shaped toy. I think it's kind of difficult (though possible) to achieve that kind of orgasm with a dick.
stargazer
i read susie bright's article. i totally read it differently. i didn't feel she was saying that clitoris stimulation is the only way to take a woman over the top. i interpreted her response as being snarky to a man wanting to know how to get his partner to climax with intercourse. i took her response to encourage the man to ask his partner what pleasures her, not susie. also, to think outside of the box with sex. no pun intended. wink.gif

QUOTE(roseviolet @ Feb 25 2009, 09:05 PM) *
"I love deep dickin'!"


rose, this should be your new tagline. awesome.
rudderlesschild
Susie Bright or no, it has been kind of a pervasive idea that women cannot/do not reach orgasm from penetration. I don't know how... contemporary the idea is. But when I was just a wee bloomin' lass, I used to read my mom's old Women's Almanacs and such from the '70's, and that was like their mantra: clitoris, clitoris, clitoris.

Maybe it was just such a new concept... or maybe they were trying to distance themselves from the phallocentric "normal" view of sexuality at the time. Dunno.

But I can (and did, even then, with the aid of the shower head and my own digits) reach orgasm either way. And while cluing women in to the idea that no, not every woman gets there from penetration alone (whatever porn and romance novels would have us believe), I don't think that totally denying or marginalizing the existence of the vaginal orgasm serves any of us well, either.

I was so very confused... and I did begin to doubt my own sense of geography. Maybe the clit was this iceberg-ish thing that extended wa-a-ay down into what I'd always believed was my vagina...! blink.gif

And as for G-spot orgasms, I didn't learn that little trick till I was 27. Proper toy, proper teacher. wink.gif
bunnyb
And here was me thinking I was weird for NOT having vaginal orgasms... Although I was confused (I'm no sexpert either, kitten) and thought that penetrative orgasms were when you had clitoral stimulation during penetration. I can't orgasm -or orgasm the way I like- through intercourse alone and prefer direct clitoral stimulation before, during or after... It seems that most of us think we're weird somehow.
Persiflager
Damn damn damn! Really want to post properly but think it might be a trifle risky at work. Suffice it to say I am another Susie Bright naysayer. Will edit to add details later.

ETA: I notice she's posted a follow-up article on Jezebel back-tracking a bit and talking about how the clitoris extends into the body. Didn't take back what she said though, or acknowledge she got it wrong - not only do some women come through intercourse alone, for some of us it's the quickest and easiest way. I really hate a hand heading clit-wards during sex, it's totally off-putting!
culturehandy
RV, heh, deep dickin', that fucking rocks.

Anyhows, the way I cum, I can com through masturbation, but it has to be with a toy, believe me, many a man has tried with fingers only on my clit and it just doesn't work, I think I had one orgasm from oral sex, when I was 16 or something, nothing since, and I've been with some master pussy eaters.

The way I orgasm, like clockwork, is when I'm on top and I have a dick in me, I have a combination of both clit and gspot, because when I ride a man, I get to work my clit the way I want, but and to be perfectly blunt here, I'm also stuffed full. And my orgasms are intense, if it's a with partner orgams, it's like a whole body experience, I tighten up, grip his dick and I cum all over him.

I don't get the same thing if I masturbate with clit stimulation alone. As for oral, I couldn't honestly tell you.

So, I've reread the answer, and here we are;

Susie: Of course she doesn't come "from intercourse alone." No woman does. I'd love to strike that phrase from the English language.

The way I interpret this is that no woman comes from intercourse alone, she doesn't really say anything about the clit or not. There are so many different positions, some that rock the clit, some that rock the gspot, but to tell you the truth, I can ONLY cum from intercourse or masturbation and as I said, nothing rocks me world like some, to use RV's saying (which I love) deep dickin'.

Or something deep in general. I say this because I had the wonderful experience of fisting. We got mid palm in me, so it wasn't a full fist, but damn if it wasn't an experience to remember, there really wasn't any clit stimulation, I was literally just stuffed full of hand, and had parts of me that had never been touched like that before. It was incredibly intense, and if my pussy wasn't so sore (from getting fucked before hand! HA!) I could have very easily came.
roseviolet
QUOTE(Persiflager @ Feb 26 2009, 06:29 AM) *
I notice she's posted a follow-up article on Jezebel back-tracking a bit and talking about how the clitoris extends into the body. Didn't take back what she said though, or acknowledge she got it wrong - not only do some women come through intercourse alone, for some of us it's the quickest and easiest way. I really hate a hand heading clit-wards during sex, it's totally off-putting!


I saw that follow up article, too, and I also thought it was not nearly enough.

For those of you who didn't see them, here are links. The comments are very interesting.
Article #1: http://jezebel.com/5159394/sexpert-susie-b...ne=true&s=x
Article #2: http://jezebel.com/5160202/sexpert-susie-b...ne=true&s=x

First of all, I want to say that I understand that most women orgasm through stimulation of the clitoral glans. I definitely think this info needs to get out more. For ages and ages, so-called experts have ignored the existence of clitoral orgasms or described them as "immature" (fuck you, Freud) or somehow less than other types of orgasm. That's just wrong & unfair. ALL orgasms are good things. Whatever works for you is GOOD & I definitely encourage everyone to be happy with their orgasms, no matter how or where they are achieved.

However! As we strive to spread the word about clitoral orgasms, that does not mean we should go so far as to deny the very existence of other types of orgasm. That is why I have a problem with Susie Bright.

My problem with her original post on Jezebel was when she said that "no woman" comes from "intercourse". She went so far as to say she wanted to strike that notion from the English language. That's just wrong and as a self-proclaimed "sexpert", she should know better. Despite the fact that numerous Jezzies stepped up and said, "That's wrong. I orgasm through intercourse," Susie still didn't take it back.

In the follow up post she described the internal tissues that are connected to the clitoral glans and spread inwardly and wrap around the vagina. So maybe she's trying to say that when we're coming from intercourse, we're not really having intercourse, but instead we're experiencing another type of internal clitoral stimulation(?). Sounds like a hell of a lot of back-peddling to me. It's not as if we're going to strike the word "intercourse" from the English language just to please her whims.
culturehandy
I've never been a huge fan of the advice she's given. Some is okay, but some, in the case we are discussing is such bullshit, that when she back tracks or attempts to further explain, it makes her seem like she has no fucking clue what she's talking about.
prophecy_grrl
I dunno, I have always liked Susie Bright. I also think for the specific question she responded to in the first post, the answer may have been overly harsh/snarky, but not wrong - the woman in question was *not* able to have vaginal orgasms, and rather than continuing to try something that's obviously unsuccessful, it makes sense to say, "hey how 'bout the clitoris." I totally understand that hearing a so-called expert say that the way you achieve orgasm is wrong, or worse not "real" is incredibly insulting and frustrating, but I think Susie is coming from a place of counteracting many decades of anti-clitoris thinking and the idea that women *need* penetration to have an orgasm. For those of us are who more sexually enlightened, it seems a little quaint, but I'm sure there's plenty of men and women who still think that way. Perhaps the man she gave the advice to was one of them.

I did read the medical journal article covering the research of the woman who discovered (through examining cadavers) that the clitoral glans extends internally all around the labia, vagina, and anus and that the part that is actually external is tiny fraction of the entire clitoris. It may be a few years old, but I am trying to find the article to post. Anyway, she says that all orgasms are indeed clitoral, they just don't all happen as a result of direct clitoral stimulation. This why many women can and do have vaginal orgasms even though the vagina itself does not have many nerve endings. It also explains why orgasms feel so different depending on where you're stimulated. I thinks it's fascinating!

The combo orgasm, where it's almost like 2 simultaneous orgasm at once (1 direct clitoral, 1 vaginal), is the holy grail. I've gotten there maybe a dozen times in my life and only after lots of foreplay and several smaller orgasms first, but holy crap. Personally, I just like any kind of orgasm. wink.gif

ETA: so, the actual journal article is subscription only, but I found the BBC Health article summarizing the research!
roseviolet
Prophecy Grrl, I think you've misunderstood our problem.

None of us have a problem with the technical advice Susie gave this specific person in this specific instance. That is not the issue. Clearly that particular guy needed to communicate with his girlfriend & ask her what she likes - and if she's like most women on the planet, then she comes from external clitoral stimulation.

Note: "most". Not ALL.

Our problem stems completely from the very first portion of her advice when she said that "no woman" comes from "intercourse alone". That simply isn't true. She should have said that most women do not come from intercourse only. There is a HUGE difference.

I am a woman who almost exclusively comes from intercourse alone. I find it offensive when a sex educator & respected expert claims that what I experience is false, fictional - that it does not exist & that the very notion that it exists should be completely wiped from the English language. Am I experiencing these orgasms because my internal clitoral tissue has been stimulated? Possibly. But it's happening during intercourse alone - something Susie says is impossible. Why? Just because it's never happened to her? I don't understand.

I've said this before: I know I'm supposed to be the rare exception. I understand that most advice columnists out there need to talk more about the clitoris - with plenty of focus on stimulating the external glans because the majority of women climax in that way. But that doesn't mean these columnists should go to the extreme position that the rest of us do not even exist.

I'm not a fuckin' dodo bird, okay? I exist. My orgasms exists. But when a sex expert like Susie Bright says that my type of orgasm doesn't ever happen, then it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Believe me, Prophesy Girl, I honestly have felt broken and messed up because of statements like this from people like Susie Bright. When I first made an effort to learn more about sex, I was striving to be a better educated, sexually aware feminist, but statements like hers made me feel small. I honestly thought that maybe there was something physiologically wrong with me. Maybe I didn't have a clitoris. Or maybe it was defective or deformed. Maybe what I was feeling wasn't really an orgasm after all. For a time I had trouble climaxing because I'd gotten this idea that I was wrong & that external clitoral orgasms were the only way to go. Is that fucked up? Of course! But I was young & vulnerable.

I'm older now and I know better. That's why I'm speaking up.

All we want her to say is that most women do not come from intercourse alone. That's all. It may look like a small change, but it makes a big difference to a lot of us.
culturehandy
I think that those of us who are able to orgasm from vaginal intercourse should be proud of that.

I have to admit, is it hard for me that I can't come from oral sex, absolutely. It has nothing to do with the technique of the man who is going down on me, it's just not enough for me. Would I like to cum on someone's face? Absolutely.

I'm with RV, that when Susie says stuff like this, it's shitty. I don't feel freakish, I love the fact that I can come from deep dickin' (RV, I love this saying). But the problem is that when sex educators say things like this, it also affects a partner. I can imagine that not coming from oral sex can have an affect on the giver's ego, they may feel like they are doing something wrong, and it doesn't help when myth's are being perpetuated that women can only come from oral sex or specifically clitoral stimulation. Especially from a so-called expert.

I understand that sex is not about your partner's ego, but you want it to be a good experience for both people involved. and when one feels the are satisfying their partner, that has an affect on the whole experience. Especially when people, when first experimenting, don't know what a clitoris is, then they do find out, and it's rammed downed their throats (especially men) to focus on the clit FOCUS ON THE CLIT, they do and still nothing happens. How is this at all beneficial? Sex education should be about all possibilities. To me solely focusing on the clit in oral with women, is like telling someone the only thing important on a man's dick is the head, well we all know there is clearly more to sucking dick than sucking on the head only.

I've had so many conversations with men who say the women they sleep with don't come from intercourse, and I tell them I'm the opposite, but it comes with conditions, so to speak. Hey sure I can come, like clockwork, from vaginal or anal intercourse (thank you gspot from the ass stimulation) but I cannot come from oral for the life of me. That's really hard, because I really, really want to.
Persiflager
What RV said!

I've struggled to re-educate boyfriends who've been clitorally focussed. It's quite tricky to explain to them you're different to all the other girls they've known (and every article they've ever read) without feeling like a bit of a freak.
prophecy_grrl
rose - I certainly didn't mean any offense. I was just trying to understand what she was trying to accomplish by giving the advice that she did. I think Susie Bright trades in hyperbole a lot (which is what I sometimes find endearing about her) and this time it was a definite foot-in-mouth moment for her, hence the backpedaling. I think it's great that the Jezebel commenters set her straight and that she was forced to address them, even if it was half-assed. I agree that someone with her "expertise" should know better. I especially think that someone who calls themselves a feminist shouldn't be privileging one one type of female sexual experience over another.

Also, I was not trying to add fuel to the fire with the whole medical study thing. I think the changing understanding of anatomy pretty clearly proves that Susie Bright is wrong - there is no "correct" way to have a orgasm. Plus, I just think the findings of the study are really interesting.

I can have orgasms both ways and I've also had the same sexual partner for 12 years (most of my adult life) and admittedly haven't experienced the same frustrations you have, so I apologize if I came off as insensitive.
crinoline
QUOTE(prophecy_grrl @ Feb 27 2009, 11:43 AM) *
I especially think that someone who calls themselves a feminist shouldn't be privileging one one type of female sexual experience over another.


well said. I think that the ferocity of the "focus on the clit" reaction relates to the historical privileging of the holy grail of vaginal orgasm (from intercourse) over clitoral orgasms.
I'm a psych major, and partly thanks to Freud (asshole), our cultural perception of the "right" way for a woman to orgasm has historically been a bit warped.
The phallocentric view that a woman should only be able to come from intercourse with a mighty penis is still a subversive element of our sexual culture. Read a romance novel, penetration always wins over clitoral stimulation alone (and god forbid masturbation). Pornography often shows a woman acting out huge orgasms from penetration when really it's unlikely that the majority of porn actresses come that way. Of course, porn does not in any way reflect reality.

On what RV said about feeling like a "freak", I get that, but because I CAN'T come from intercourse (without significant clit stim.) . Decades of psych literature would define me as "immature" because of this. It's something that bothers me because I feel like clitoral stimulation is more related to masturbation and not "real" sex. I can't come from oral either, but I think it's because my boy can't go for long enough. I think that you intercourse only orgasm ladies are very lucky, I would love to be one of you.

I guess my main point is that despite the historic vilification of the clitoral orgasm and the current denial of the vaginal orgasm, neither should be considered superior to the other. A feminist should just be happy that women are HAVING orgasms, no matter how they achieve it.
candycane_girl
I think it was pretty shitty for her to just say "no woman comes from vaginal sex alone". She should have known that not every woman is an expert on the clitoris and how far into the body it goes. And to follow up on her claim that if the vaginal walls were that sensitive then women would have orgasms during childbirth, well guess what Susie, some women do! This woman doesn't seem like much of an expert on anything.

One more thing, it's great that men finally learned about the clit. If they didn't then I would probably never have an orgasm. But it's ridiculous to discount all of the women who genuinely have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone.
roseviolet
Prophecy girl, not to worry. No offense taken at all. smile.gif

QUOTE(crinoline @ Feb 27 2009, 03:04 PM) *
On what RV said about feeling like a "freak", I get that, but because I CAN'T come from intercourse (without significant clit stim.) .


I'm sorry you've felt that, Crinoline. I'm sure it's hard to get the word out. Considering how tough it is to get basic, honest sex ed in schools, it's no wonder that most young people don't know much about the clit. I hope it gets easier for younger generations, what with the internet & all.

QUOTE(crinoline @ Feb 27 2009, 03:04 PM) *
I think that you intercourse only orgasm ladies are very lucky, I would love to be one of you.


Honestly, I think there are pros and cons to everything. It's not like what you see in porn. For instance, most couples do not orgasm simultaneously, so it can end up becoming a game of wills. He needs to hold off & not come long enough so that she does come, but that means he's distracted & not performing as well, which means it can be harder for her to come and on and on. It can become a real vicious circle. Plus, when you can't come from clitoral stimulation, masterbation becomes a whole different ball game. At least 90% of the women I know can get themselves off by just reaching down & wiggling their fingers. That has never ever ever worked for me.

I could go on, but my husband just arrived home with tacos & season 4 of BSG, so I gotta go. biggrin.gif
culturehandy
I have never been able to get off with finers alone.

But I have been very fortunate enough to have an orgasm at the same time as my partner during sex, with a few different men, fuck if it isn't hard but by far one of the most intense experiences ever.
roseviolet
CH, you and I have a lot in common. I have never been able to get off with my fingers alone, nor from a partner's fingers. Ditto for oral sex. It can feel nice for a while, but then it gets annoying or even painful. As for simultaneous orgasms, I've only experienced them with my husband. He and I fit together really well. There are a LOT of things I've only experienced with my husband (and vice versa).

However, it hasn't always run like clockwork. When Sheff met me, he'd had two decades of sexual experience & education. He definitely knew his way around a clit & really loved making a woman come with just his hands or his mouth. Then he fell in love with me and unfortunately, none of that stuff worked anymore. As CH mentioned earlier, it's a real blow to the ego. I know there are times when he wishes he didn't have to be quite so athletic just to get me off (like on lazy Saturday mornings), but I try to make it worth the effort. I'm sure there are oodles of other couples who have experienced similar issues, so we don't let it get to us or hold us back. We've chosen to just take what we have, do what works, & enjoy it.
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