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Lalumiere
thanks angie..
we actually waited a really long time (well by most standards) before having sex.. we were together for a year before the first time. we had done lots of other things before hand but not actual intercourse. I had some reservations and issues regarding losing my virginity (THANKS sylvia plath.. that one part in the Bell Jar scarred me for life) which I think might be part of the problem anyway. we havent done it too many times, I think we've used one box of condoms and thats it.. I am thinking I just need to be more comfortable with it, once its not so new and scary it will probably be okay, I just know my guy is getting very frustrated at not being able to please me sexually (and lets face it, I'm plenty frustrated myself) and that sort of anxiety is adding to it a bit too.. aaargh its all very messy. ...and not in a fun way!
twelve_percent
Lalumiere:

You say a warm bath is your old faithful. Have you tried to relax your muscles with heat before you start to do anything? Maybe soak in the tub for a long time before you do anything. Get yourself relaxed and loose before you have anyone stick anything up there.
coffeebean
(((Lalumiere))) Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your partner right now. I don't know how much experience he has previous to you but it can take a long time to really get in tune with what 'does it' for a sexual partner. Also, each partner is different so just when you thought that you had it figured out, a new partner catches you off guard.

It sounds as though this situation is stressing you both out quite a bit. It is possible to be with each other sexually but remove the pressure to have actual intercourse? Like go into it knowing that you are going to fool around but know that you won't be having intercourse? If possible even remove the pressure of having to come? That way you can focus on touching, kissing, licking, sucking etc. for each other's enjoyment and to find out what feels good to you and your partner with all pressure removed. By taking off the pressure of intercourse you may find that you will be more relaxed and possibly able to come. He will get the opportunity to find out how to please you best and what you like.

If that doesn't work is it possible to get into the shower together and have him watch you while you do your thing on your own? Would you feel comfortable with this? Perhaps by integrating him into that experience, you will feel more comfortable with him and he may learn a little more about what you like. It is not uncommon to get into the pattern of coming in a certain way (i.e., your legs have to be a certain way, or on your back, or on your front etc.) by yourself and then having more trouble when you get together with a new partner.
snow white
QUOTE(coffeebean @ Dec 18 2009, 08:41 AM) *
It is possible to be with each other sexually but remove the pressure to have actual intercourse? Like go into it knowing that you are going to fool around but know that you won't be having intercourse? If possible even remove the pressure of having to come? That way you can focus on touching, kissing, licking, sucking etc. for each other's enjoyment and to find out what feels good to you and your partner with all pressure removed. By taking off the pressure of intercourse you may find that you will be more relaxed and possibly able to come. He will get the opportunity to find out how to please you best and what you like.


That's where i'm at right now, my problems "down there" (i have Irratible Bowel Disease and it's causing swelling in my vag from so much inflammation down there) are going to take some time and patience to resolve and i'm anxious to feel "normal" again and not have to worry about painful intercourse when we're only fooling around. it's hard to feel good about things when you feel like you have to push your partner away or tell him no and it's hard to relax when you're only fooling around and you're feeling frustrated, anxious, guilty that you can't show him a great time. i've been having a hard time with all this but C (my fiance) is so good, i've never met a person before who is so understanding, comforting, accepting and willing to work around a problem. where as i kind of shut down in the face of this he continues to fuel our sex life and thinks of new ways to be sexually active without straight forward intercourse, it's so nice feeling like your still sexy and someone still wants you in that way when you're having problems. I'vekind of given him permission in a way to direct our sex life b/c before i was just closed for business, but we're doing alot better now. not having any sex at all really sucks. i just need to relax and enjoy what we have now b/c i always thought i was the kind of person who thought sex and love making came in all different forms and now i need to put that into practice.

Lalumiere, u and i are kinda in the same boat. I hope things are getting better for u. smile.gif
Lalumiere
thanks for the help guys (er.. ladies). were going to work on it by just trying to focus on feeling comfortable and seeing what feels good. we both know I have issues regarding sex and hes more than willing to help me through this.. I know I have a lot of guilt about it! usually when we're fooling around I just try to please him more than myself because.. well its much easier! but he's getting frustrated not being able to satisfy me! I'm glad he is willing to put up with me through this tongue.gif ..
snow white.. thank you! I hope things resolve themselves quickly for you too!
dayglowpink
Lalumiere- Just a couple of other things based on my experience: I sometimes get some little tears in my perineum area after sex. I've noticed that it has to do with having sex when I'm not very physically aroused even if I use lube. The vagina gets larger and stretchier with arousal, so my theory is that if I rush into it, it's not as ready for sex. This could be an issue for you.

The medication you're on definitely can have sexual side effects. It can decrease interest and make it more difficult to orgasm as well. If it continues to be an issue, you could consider talking to your doctor about adding Welbutrin or switching to Welbutrin. It does not have the sexual side effects, and for some people, adding it on in addition to their other meds is helpful.

Many people get accustomed to orgasming from a specific type of stimulation and have difficulty cumming with anything else. This is something that you can work on if you are so inclined. You have to kind of train yourself to respond to other types of stimulation by getting yourself close to climax with your preferred method and then switching the stimulation. This could take time, though. I haven't had the patience for it myself. smile.gif They talk about it in the book "I (heart) Female Orgasm".

Another book I have mentioned several times in this forum is called "The Elusive Orgasm." It also gives specific recommendations for increasing a woman's arousal level, increasing trust between partners, and dealing with anxiety and emotional issues about sex. You might like this book as well.

Finally, it might help to see a therapist to help you deal with some of your guilt and anxiety issues. I am working on some issues like this with my therapist, and it can be difficult, but it can really help. Good luck, and let us know how things are going.
zoya
lalumiere - I second the Wellbutrin recommendation - not only does it not have sexual side effects, it can actually heighten arousal (not kidding, I swear I have never been so horny as since I've been on it) however, something you might want to bring up if you ask your doctor about changing meds is your anxiety and how Wellbutrin may affect it. Wellbutrin can make some people a little more anxious (not super, but enough if you already have anxiety issues) so sometimes they like to balance it out - I'm on Wellbutrin and also a low dose of Buspar, which works great for me. Don't know how or if Wellbutrin can be taken with effexor. Effexor is what they originally wanted to put me on, but I was really hesitant because of sexual side effects and weight gain issues (I'd done a LOT of research during the time of my first few conversations with a psych about meds) so they decided instead that we'd try the Wellbutrin and it's worked great for me. We added the Buspar when I was still having that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm barely above sub theraputic level, but it works perfectly. Between the two, I've had no sexual side effects, and like I said, I'm pretty sure they've even hightened things a bit. (which, considering I'm in the shittiest dry spell ever, isn't always the most wonderful thing...ha)

sageykins
This is unrelated to anyone's post, I just need to vent/get some help.
For months my guy and I have been living together, and for a long time, he has had no desire for sex, doesn't want it, etc. I'd be lucky to get it twice a month. Now, I've gained 20+ lbs in the last 4 months or so, and I no longer want sex. I miss being close to him and having it sometimes, but it's so rare. I tried for months, I tried seducing him, blowing him, talking porn, watching porn for ideas, anything.
Now, porn turns me off completely, I don't want sex, I am disinterested, and overweight. He has tons of porn, watches it, I found a tee shirt in the living room hidden by his chair with gunk on it- so he's getting off to it. Who knows how often, but it's just become... depressing. I tried for a long time and now, I'm feeling like I'll never want it with him again. And I used to love sex. We used to have good sex. Before we moved in... And things were so fast and then we were living together and he drives an hour to work and an hour home...
I'm running a long winded rant-y type thing here and it's not going anywhere. Sorry ladies and gents.
I just... I no longer know what to do or thing. I used to love sex, I craved it. For about 7 months he just... never wanted me and made me feel like he was either bored with me or didn't want me. And now he's handed me the funk he used to be in... Any thoughts on how to get it back? Find my drive?? Because it's pretty dead...
sad.gif
flanker_ji
Sagey, what is the rest of your relationship like? Why do you want to make yourself want someone that doesn't make you feel wanted? Have you asked him for an explanation? Right now, it seems like the only thing that would redeem this situation is getting out of it...
sageykins
Well there's good and bad things in it. We laugh a lot and like some of the same things and enjoy ourselves. But there have been those issues and some others. I know every relationship has it's bad times and maybe we are just going through one. it hasn't all been bad. I waffle because I know there's good with us and I don't want to lose that now that we're this far in... I mean it has been almost a year and there's family involvement on both sides and there is good stuff. We like to ride the motorcycle, we like traveling, we like a lot of things together.
I've asked him about it and his answer is he has been in a funk. He isn't interested in it. I mean, he wasn't. Now he's found some sex drive and... I dont know. I lost mine.
I really don't know sometimes. We talked more last night and he feels that he's fine with me being in a funk and he'll be patient. There's a lot more to every situation and it's hard to say all of it in one little post.
bob4both
Sagey; I'll throw in a guy's point of view because what you (& him) are experiencing sounds very similar to the same prison I've been able to release myself from. My girl & I were also in a funk, actually brought on by porn. It made her feel unwanted & reduced her desire for sex (even though at one time we enjoyed it together), and in turn sent me into a spiral (porn is there, she is not; porn satisfies the urge, she does not). It got to where I just gave up on sex with her, but not sex itself. It was easier to just jerk off than attempt to please a partner. I got my urges satisfied & didn't have to be bothered with meeting the needs of another. An extremely selfish thought process, I know; but I didn't care because I was feeling bad about myself as well.

I got over it just before Christmas, when we went away for a night & she gave me an early "Christmas present". The passion she demonstrated was enough to snap me out of it & desire to please her again. But there was months of guilt & pain leading up to it, as well. I don't know if this is what he is going through and I am in no way condoning or excusing what I did, but I can understand it. I also offer no advice as whether to stay or stray as I don't know either of you, but I hope it works out for you.
sageykins
Thanks Bob. I'll keep those things in mind. I don't know how to snap him out of it, although he seems to have gotten out of it more recently. And I am now in it.... I hate that he looks at porn, I hate that he seems to want and need it... But for whatever reason he does. Its not that I've never looked or didn't get off from it before, but most porn seems so power oriented- control focus. A man controling a woman or women and what they are doing... And it all comes across as rape to me anymore. And I'm a lucky girl in that I haven't been abused or anything, but it destroys me to watch rape scenes in movies all the same.
I don't know what will happen.
There is so much good. And it does feel like we are trying, both of us, to bring us back to where we once were and find our happiness.
Thank you for your input. I think that helped me refocus how I'm seeing things.
smile.gif
sageykins
We did have a couple of lovin sessions this week. And I feel better... The rest of our relationship has many good things, and I believe he is trying... There's still much to be redeemed and so we shall see. I am trying to focus on me more. Making me feel better about me. And we'll see what happens.
sageykins
Bob,
I think that's what's going on now. There is more... but I know he's been jerking off and neither of us is interested in being with each other anymore.
Just plain depressed. Bleh.
I'm beyond trying- so your lady put up with it and then she gave you the best night... I guess I don't feel like I should be giving him any kind of special attention when this is how I feel... And it has reduced me to an object he doesn't want.
He's trying more around the house to do things, and I appreciate that. There's just so much...Flanker might be right.
Thanks for letting me vent.
auralpoison
Meet the first legal male sex worker in Nevada, Markus. He looks to be of fairly small stature & has a beefy, muscular, Marine-type build. Not bad. But in the face? He looks like a hefty Steve-O from Jackass & has some janky-ass teeth. The man looks like a piranha in the mouth area & not in a good way. He does seem nice enough, but I don't think I could spend $200 on forty minutes with him.
bob4both
Sagey;
I'm sure that's just how she felt as well. Maybe she "gave in" for her own satisfaction, or maybe she wanted to try to make things better; I don't know. But since...

Nothing. We haven't been together since. And I am sure she is feeling what you last described; but then, so am I. "Just plain depressed." You said it. And porn is not even in the equation anymore. It's a horrible spiral. And then I get angry when I'm keeping the lid on the porn & she's telling her gfriends that she likes to watch football cuz of the player's butts in those pants! Or picking a movie cuz the star's a "cutie". Is that porn? Many would say no, but it causes the same insecurities in guys that porn causes in women to some (a lesser) extent. Or maybe I'm just being too sensitive...
sageykins
No Bob, I don't think you're being too sensitive. I have tried to be considerate in all ways, and that includes commenting on other guys. I don't think I've said more than 4 times in our entire relationship that I think some guy is cute (actor or singer). I understand where you're coming from, and I think because of how I have felt- I know I'm not perfect here- But I have tried so hard to not hurt someone else's feelings and that kind of crap is exactly what hurts me so I wouldn't do it to him.
I'm trying to just focus on me and feel better about me, but it's hard. He can be so great and I love him. It's still tough but I don't know how I feel about all this.
Hate porn. So much. That's not the only part of things, I just wish he wouldn't watch it. It has definitely not helped us at all.
sageykins
Bob- I hope your situation has improved. Things here have gotten worse and he's leaving. He's been communicating with his ex this entire time- on and off. He's got pictures in his email- which he left open and I saw a message subject line about 'me at a ladies only sex toy party'. I shouldn't have looked. But he's proven untrustworthy. It was her. Looking suggesting. The whore. And he dug a hole to try and cover it up and lied more. So we're done and he's leaving.
And maybe it wouldn't have been so bad... except that he was still holding on to her.
Anyway, I hope things have worked out for you too, in some way.
Good luck.
stargazer
(((sageykins))) It's sad to read that things got worse with your ex. If you need to vent about the breakup, there is the Moving On thread for you.
angie_21
sageykins, I know it's hard to see these things when you're still in the relationship, but it sounds a lot to me like the main problems were with the relationship itself, not with sex or even porn. reading your posts, you just sounded so unhappy and unloved, and not only because of a lack of sex/passion. I hope things get better for you now that you are broken up... I bet they will!
sageykins
Thank you both- Angie you are so right. I was feeling so depressed and unloved. And right now, I'm probably almost more miserable because I kept trying to make it work. I would read other people's posts and think -maybe it's that, or it's this that I needed to do.... But the reality is the relationship was wrong. He's moving out soon- I hope this coming weekend. But even with him here... He's sick and I feel bad for him and I cant be angry anymore. It's just not worth it.
I appreciate the thoughts. and I will check out the moving on thread. I think I will need to.. but for the moment, I'm still kind of wallowing in self pity.
bob4both
Yup, that totally sux, sagey. Having someone else "on the line", that is, splitting his loyalties never comes out good. There's the fantasy of what could be with the other, and the reality of the difficulties of the real relationship. So which do you think will win out??? Head on over to "movin on"!

Mine's not really better; thanx for asking though. My English Comp teacher made a comment the other night about a play in which the man was "settling", knowing his place and that it wouldn't get better but he was willing to put up with it. She mentioned how much she hated that anyone settles...if she only knew I'd probably be getting an F! Maybe I need to move this to another thread as well! Ciao
auralpoison
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jan 16 2010, 04:21 PM) *
Meet the first legal male sex worker in Nevada, Markus. He looks to be of fairly small stature & has a beefy, muscular, Marine-type build. Not bad. But in the face? He looks like a hefty Steve-O from Jackass & has some janky-ass teeth. The man looks like a piranha in the mouth area & not in a good way. He does seem nice enough, but I don't think I could spend $200 on forty minutes with him.


Aw, poor Markus. Less than ten women sought out his services during the time he was employed at the Shady Lady Ranch. He's pulled up stakes & returned to LA to shoot porn.
sageykins
I'm not sure I would have sought his services. I just didn't find him that attractive- I have a friend who for a while was that fuck buddy- Much hotter, and I know what I'm getting into with him. The idea of paying for it when I'm not attracted to him... yeah no.
Perhaps the porn world will be better to him.
auralpoison
No, I wouldn't have dropped the cash, either.

Honestly, I don't think it's something women would for the most part do. We not only don't *need* to pay for shit, we just won't. EG: I used to work for one of those dating services where men paid & women didn't; after some pressure, our company launched a women pay men don't service. Never sold a single membership. Not a one. Or think of strips clubs/erotic reviews. There may be twenty-five lady strip joints in a town, but there's almost never a male one. You *might* have some amateurs get paid to get naked once a week at a gay bar, but it's cheaper to just have a night where the regulars come in scantily clad. And, yeah, you have your Chippendales & your Thunder Down Under, but those are pretty much Vegas exclusive cheesy tourist traps.

I sometimes frequent a site by a gay artist that posts his favorite gay escorts for the month. There are a LOT of insane, sick, SMOKING HOT gay escorts. Guys that can make five grand for a Friday night airport pick up through a Sunday evening flight out: hot, smart, interesting, attentive gay escorts. I admit I find it intriguing, but I still don't think I could stomach the hit to the wallet for it. I could buy a pair of really nice boots for the cash invested in a few hours with a big-dick, hot-guy-for-hire lover man & ultimately I think the shoes would bring me more pleasure in the long run.
culturehandy
Okay, question for the busties; I'm looking to further my sexuality. I'm really eager to explore Tantra and Tantric Sex, I'm wondering if anyone can recommend anything (preferably in book form) for a beginner? I meditate frequently so I don't need any books on meditation only, although I am aware that Tantra does involve the breath.
buttercups
Has anyone ever been on the pill and had absolutely no sex drive? I've been on the pill that gives you no period for 3 months and I swear to god the method of birth control in it is taking away my sex drive- I think it's a complete conspiracy at this point haha. Me and my guy have always had some sex problems, but now that I don't even think about sex and his drive is lower, our sex is non-existent! I think we might have sex like once a month, if that. We both live at home so its difficult anyways, but whenever we have privacy I'm either too tired or he has some other problem and it just never happens- and at this point bc I don't even think about sex it's like it doesn't even matter. Should I be concerned that me and my bf of 2 years are having sex like once a month at age 25? We love each other and he says he's definitely sexually attracted to me- and I'm attracted to him, but we've fallen into this really old married couple kinda habit (actually I think they probably have sex more than us). Before this pill sex used to be on my mind all the time, and I would always initiate it, now I feel numb inside. And I kinda need this pill for other health reasons. Any suggestions?
lapis
Sure buttercups, it happens to people. The pill kept me from having orgasms. But it sounds like some emotional stuff is going on there, too. I'm not convinced anyone needs the pill for health reasons--are there other ways to treat your issues?
auralpoison
QUOTE(lapis @ Apr 17 2010, 10:33 PM) *
I'm not convinced anyone needs the pill for health reasons--are there other ways to treat your issues?


You may not be convinced, but it's fact that hormonal bc can & does help women with menorrhagia. It helps regulate flow & makes periods lighter. I had HORRIBLE menorrhagia for years that I chose to live with because I didn't want to be on bc, but I have many friends that considered hormonal bc to be a godsend for making their lives easier.

I'm down with the more homeopathic remedies, but they can be expensive & not nearly as effective as hormonal bc.
lapis
I can see that, AP--I thought I might eat those words. In my experience with polycystic ovaries the pill has not been so helpful--I think it caused the problem to begin with. The iud has given me greater appreciation for people with terrible periods--and whatever it takes to manage them. Finding other routes beyond the pill to resolve problems can take time, money, and resistance diagnoses, etc. It seems to cause a lot of problems, and I sometimes wonder what college would have been like for many of us without it.
buttercups
Yea I have horrible dysmennorhea to the point where I'm almost convinced I have endometriosis. I used to vomit every month and have to stay home from work and school before i got on the pill (mother didn't want me on it as a teenager bc she thought it would encourage me to have sex even though the doc said that would help the most). Finally got to the point where I was 18 and passed out in the shower and that was the end of that- been on the pill ever since. It has def helped me but then a year ago my periods started to get painful again and I began to think about endometriosis. My gyn recommended seasonale which has def helped me not have to deal with it as frequently. It's been relatively good for my body and well-being in that sense, but murder on my sex drive. And it does also take me longer to orgasm now, mainly bc I just can't get turned on. My bf tries every trick in the book til the point where he's just tired, and then I just give up bc it's exhausting and frustrating. I don't know what to do, but I don't really want to get off the pill..
pepper
CultureHandy, have you read any Mantak Chia? Pretty interesting stuff.

The birth control pill wrecked my sex drive entirely no matter what type I was taking. Pretty hard to do considering my libido but it just killed it dead every time. Sucky. I found it did help a bit with my periods which were painful beyond belief but what helped more was anaprox (naproxan, ponstan, whatever the brand name you use). Erased cramps and nausea in 20 minutes, I could hop on my bike and go for a ride instead of puking and passing out.
aphelendra
hi all!

I've been mostly hanging around the mama-esque threads around here, but I am trying to branch out.

I wanted to chime in on the BC issue, I was diagnosed with endometriosis last year. There definitely are people who "need" to be on the pill for health reasons. Not only did being on hormonal birth control help with my pain/nausea/headaches/wacky bleeding (ever had sex smack in the middle of your cycle, doubled over in pain, and bled for twenty minutes after? Ew, and no thanks), but certain birth control pills can actually slow the spread of endometrial tissue outside of the uterus and can help preserve fertility for longer.

That being said, buttercups, the only kind of BC pill that will do this is one that is progesterone based, not one of the more common estrogen dependent pills. I'm not sure how seasonique works, but you should definitely look into it, if endo is even a possibility. Estrogen based pills can, in some cases, actually make endometriosis worse, as was the case for me. I also think that Yaz, the progesterone pill I took for a while, had much less of an effect on my sex drive than any of the other pills I've been on.

That little rant probably belonged on another thread, but I couldn't help myself. Aphelendra, tireless crusader against the dreaded endometriosis, strikes again.

buttercups, please feel free to pm if you have any questions or anything . . . .

pepper - mmmmmmmm anaprox . . . . love it
jsmith
Ok. Gals..
I'm a virgin. Won't be by tomorrow's close..
I'm not especially worried about pain (I use a cup, so I think I'll be at least a little bit stretched).. but I guess it's a possibility.
Is there anything, anything at all, that I should know? I really don't know what to expect, as far as my reaction will go.
So if there's anything you all can tell me, please do so.
auralpoison
(1) BE PATIENT & DON'T FORCE IT.
(2) LOTS OF FOREPLAY.
(3) BE PRESENT, COMMUNICATE with your partner.
(4) LUBRICANT IS YOUR FRIEND.*
(5) LISTEN TO YOUR BODY. If it doesn't feel right, PAUSE. If it still doesn't feel right, STOP & examine.

You might want to be on top since that way you control the penetration. But first & foremost, listen to Frankie: RELAX! And to quote Dr. Ruth, "EN-JOY IT!"

*Do not cheap out on the lubricant (Read: NO KY). Read the ingredients. Do not buy anything with glycerin. Glycerin = sugar = yeast. Sweet almond oil can be nice but is not for use with condoms. And I am not gonna lecture you on condom usage because I know you're smart enough to use them if your partner is a non-virgin & hasn't been tested recently.
sageykins
kudos AP
I agree with all of that. One thought though- lubricant- even for sensitive skin types can cause problems- I can't seem to use any. So I would be careful with that. Human lubricant is better. smile.gif
Enjoy the moments, enjoy your partner. smile.gif
jsmith
LOL re: KY. He was the one who bought the materials, and he didn't know what to really get, so he picked up KY. I actually had bought equate, because I used that when I was first starting with the cup, and it worked beautifully. But all went well. It was certainly a tight squeeze, but not what I would deem painful. Startling, but not painful.

AP, what brand would you recommend btw?
auralpoison
Congrats! Glad it went well!

I like Babeland's water-based Babelube. The new formula is even better than the old & I always keep a sachet or two in my handbag. I like it because I find it to be a good multi-purpose lube (good vaginally, anally, & with all toys), it's pretty much tasteless, & a little goes a loooong way. It isn't sticky or tacky. Their higher end brand Entice is really nice, too. I've never used their organics or their flavored versions because I'm not worried about organics & I think dick should taste like dick.

I *can* say I am not a fan of silicone lubes.

Lube can be confusing. It all depends upon your needs. Do you want organic, gluten free, water-based, silicone, etc, etc, etc. I suggest looking around on various toy sites & seeing what's available, reading ingredients & looking at reviews. The archives here are also helpful, although I did piss some people off back in 2008 & shit got kinda intense.

Just stay the fuck away from KY, it's cheap, shitty & all around bad news for your puss. You only have one Britney, you shouldn't skimp out on her. Drugstore brands are largely shite, but I do know mine does carry some good stuff like Gun Oil.
sageykins
Congrats as well!


AP- Haha, I've never heard of it but Gun Oil cracks me up biggrin.gif!!!
auralpoison
Y'know what's funnier than Gun Oil, Sagey? Boy Butter!
sageykins
Phenominal! smile.gif hahahaha
auralpoison
Huh. Just when we were having a lube positive exchange, the LA Times prints that lube may increase disease risk during anal. I don't know about anybody else, but, uh, condoms 100% during anal. Even with a good couple of douchings, I still think condoms are a good idea for anal for a variety of reasons.
jsmith
Okay, so.. We were together again last night, and we used a condom, of course. It did not break, but still, when I stood up afterwards, this torrent of watery fluid came out. What was that all about? It didn't happen the first time...


ETA: I always thought that natural lube was thick, not watery. But am I mistaken?
stargazer
AP, I noticed that the study didn't mention the use (or lack thereof) of condoms during anal sex by these research participants. I agree with you that condoms should be used during anal sex. I guess this article just isn't clear and appears one sided in its attempts to be noteworthy about the increased risk with HIV. I'm sure there are other variables that need to be listed in order for that title to be accurate, such as barebacking and using lube during anal sex. Then again, I'm assuming the public who may read this article is liberal in its understanding of sex like us. Shame on me. blink.gif

jsmith, I've never had that happen to me. Not sure what that fluid is all about. Sorry.
auralpoison
Well, it was from the LATimes. California ain't nothin' but a bunch o' deviants. smile.gif

Jsmith, you're fine. There are great variances in vaginal lubrication, I would say that mine is a mixture of the viscous & the more liquid-y variety. Depending upon where you are in your cycle, your diet, any medications you may be taking, level of arousal, etc, your Britney can switch things up on you: odor, texture, taste, color, etc. If it smelled bad or drastically changed appearance I'd get thee to the gyno, but it sounds like you are most likely a-okay in your nethers.
auralpoison
Some follow up from a blog about the whole lubricant/anal/increased disease article.
auralpoison
*Bump*

Just annoyed at seeing the bot at the top. Carry on then.
auralpoison
*bump*
damona
dragging this thread out of the dust... seems to be the best place for this. oh, how i hope this post doesn't come back to bite me in the ass, but i have got to get some of this off my mind. fair warning, it's probably going to be very long.

so.

i am a very, very sexual person. i always have been. i love sex, in all it's many forms. i think about sex a LOT and would be perfectly happy if i could have sex at least 3 times a day. minimum. i don't always orgasm (it took me years to learn to orgasm with a partner and it still doesn't always happen) but even so, it just feels so damn good! i like to think i'm pretty down to earth and accepting about pretty much everything sexually, but i've still got some issues (don't we all, tho? in some form?) i'm also a survivor, which i'm sure hasn't helped with some of those issues, and has probably actively caused some of them.

i'm basically living in a triad right now with my husband and my boyfriend (The Mr and The Boy). The Boy doesn't actually live with us, but he's literally just around the corner, so i see him every day. The Mr and i have been together for 14 years now, and The Boy and i for 2 years. i can honestly say that i'm in love with both of them. the guys are good friends, my kids like The Boy, it's all above board and i'm really pretty happy.

but.

i feel like it's not enough, sexually. and then i feel guilty for thinking that. The Mr has always had a pretty low sex drive. he's said right out that he'd be fine with having sex about once a month, maybe every six weeks. i cannot live with that. it's part of why we ended up having an open relationship (his suggestion, not mine, btw). we've had a lot of problems in the past, and we've worked out some of them, but his incredibly low sex drive has always been a big issue. i once was on my knees in front of him, unzipping his pants, and he said "i'm trying to watch this show, stop that." one of the problems is that he prefers to masturbate, which leaves me feeling well, rather put out, honestly. no, i don't have a problem with masturbation, i never have, it's that he prefers that over having actual sex with living, breathing, practically begging, me!

we've pretty much settled into an at least once every 2 weeks thing, which i can deal with, though i'm not really happy about. when we do have sex, it's really great. he's one of the few people that i have ever been able to truly relax enough with to orgasm at all, let alone during actual intercourse, and it is amazing. sometimes he'll finger me or go down until i cum (he's never quite understood that, for me, it's not all about the orgasm, but i'm not going to bitch if i'm getting some lol) and then that's enough for him. it's like he has no real interest in it. like he's just humoring me. i think he's actually thinking "well, if i do this, then maybe she'll leave me alone for another week or so."

he also talks about other girls, what it might be like to have sex with them, what he thinks they would look like naked, etc. he has a lot of female friends and he flirts with all of them, constantly. i know there's nothing going on, but, really... sometimes it's a bit hard to take.

needless to say, this has left me with some of the afore mentioned issues. let's start with the obvious... i do not look like any porn actress i've ever seen (and both guys watch a lot of porn) and i have a lot of body issues. i'm comfortable in my own skin until i think about it too much, if that makes sense, and then... my tummy is squishy and i have a c-section scar and my ass is too big and my boobs are kind of droopy after nursing 4 babies and i have some spider veins on my thighs, which are too big and squishy anyway, and... you get the idea. i'm awfully good at tearing myself apart until i feel like i'm too ugly to be allowed out in public. i'm a big girl anyway, though i do still have the classic hourglass shape, it's just, um, large. i've lost 35 pounds recently, which has helped me feel better about myself, until i went to the dr and he told me to lose another 95 pounds, which, imo, would leave me looking positively skeletal. but that's a whole different thread.

another issue is that i get upset about when my guys masturbate. not upset like "how dare you" but just... shit. i don't know how to explain it. i feel like i can't complain because i do it too, just about every day and hey, it's a natural part of life, but it bothers me on some deep level because i am right here, ready and willing, just about any time and yet... hell. i really don't know how to explain the way it makes me feel. i dislike being ditched for a cheesy video and their hand, i guess. it makes me feel like i'm not good enough, not sexy enough, like i'm not what they really want... i do not have the right words for this discussion *sigh* i have been trying to deal with this issue and not let it spill over but it kind of has recently. which brings me to...

The Boy. he's quite a bit younger than i am. like 10 years younger. i've known him since he was 12, but not in a creepy "i'm waiting for you to grow up" sort of way. he was just one of those kids that hung out at my house cuz he was friends with my sister. he moved in here at the complex when he was 17, he started babysitting for me, we got to be buddies, then he 'fessed up that he'd liked me for a long time, and suddenly, i was looking at him a little differently... i did not touch him until after he was 18, however. i'm not that dumb. the sexual sparks between us could have started a bonfire in a heartbeat, once i let myself acknowledge that i had those feelings for him but i stayed strictly away from him in that way until he was legal. i even refused to go to his place b/c i didn't want our friendship to be misconstrued by anyone. we hooked up a couple of months after he turned 18, and have been together ever since. i never meant to fall in love with him, but i did. full on, head over heels. fortunately, he returns those feelings.

sex with him is fantastic. truly. i can honestly say that i've done things with him that i've never done with anyone else. i trust him like i trust no one else but The Mr and my BGP. in the beginning, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. i know that things change after awhile and settle down, the bonfire becomes a nice cozy hearth fire and all that, but as i've said, i am a very sexual person. i still want to have sex with him at least once a day (with The Mr as well, but we've come to a basic agreement about that). until the last few months, we had sex at least once a day and it was great. i was happy about it and content and all the good things. recently, he's been not as interested and i have to admit, i was taking it kind of personally. i'm so glad now that we did hold off on starting a sexual relationship, because we got to be such close friends that we're comfortable talking about these things, and we have talked a couple times. he has some health issues that are becoming interfering, and i understand that.

this past weekend, i went over by him on saturday morning, we fooled around a bit (no sex), then i had to leave and he promised we'd pick up where we'd left off, later. when i went over later, his door was locked and i teased him, asking if he'd been pleasing himself. he said yes, he just had. all of a sudden, i felt like shit. like i was not important at all, like he didn't really want me, he was starting to prefer jerking off to being with me... i kind of went off (entirely in my head) on a tangent. i couldn't understand why he would do that, when i'd been looking forward to our evening for the whole damn day, and was so worked up i could hardly stand it. and yet, he was done. finished. took care of it himself. i wanted to cry. as it turned out, the whole thing was kind of a moot point, anyway, since i went to the bathroom a little later and discovered i had started my period, which i'm sure had at least a little to do with my mood and attitude about the whole thing.

so tonight, i asked him (well, blurted out is more like it) if i was too sexual, if i was too much for him, like i am for The Mr. (i've been told by both a guy and 2 girls before that i'm too masculine in my sexual attitudes and that i'm not a normal woman. that a normal woman doesn't think about sex as much, or want it as much, and that i'm too much to handle. needless to say, that has stuck with me, too.) we ended up talking about what happened on saturday and he said that he just "felt like doing it" so he did. which, ok, i guess, not really a big deal, i know he usually does it several times a day anyway, it just happened to be poor timing that day. he told me that i'm not too much, that he wants it all the time, too, but that his health issues make sex uncomfortable at times, which is why he doesn't want to do it as much as we used to. which he's said before and i really do understand that. then he said, "even if i didn't feel like it anymore i was still going to because i'd promised you i would." can i just say "ouch"? that made me feel like i'm a burden, a duty, something he has to deal with... and it hurt. a lot.

we talked a little more and i tried to explain a little bit to him about how living with The Mr all these years has left me with some of these issues, but it didn't really go very well. when i mentioned about how i feel rather inadequate, physically, in comparison to the porn actresses, he ended up showing me pictures of the porn stars that he likes that remind him of me. which is sort of a back-handed compliment, i guess. he showed me his current favourite movie (of course, the actress is 5'1" and about 100 pounds. very helpful for my self-image), then said he wanted a blow job while watching a blow job. then he said he really wasn't in the mood and he'd walk me home. i have little doubt that he went home and finished watching the movie and took care of himself.

so here i sit, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. why am i like this? why do i get upset about stupid things? why am i so ridiculously sexual? and why don't either of the guys i love, who both say that they love me and think i am beautiful, actually want to have sex with me? why am i taking it so personally? why can't i just let it roll off and say "oh, well, there's always tomorrow"? i try to do that, i really do, but i'm really starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. am i too open about my sexuality? am i doing something wrong? am i not attractive enough anymore? what the hell is going on? i feel like i'm going to cry again. i hate that they've both made me doubt myself like this but i just don't know what to do about it.
ketto
Damona, it almost sounds like they're more emotionally detached when it comes to sex. I think you acknowledge that you have some issues but you also sound like you want both of them to show their desire for you more.

QUOTE
he also talks about other girls, what it might be like to have sex with them, what he thinks they would look like naked, etc. he has a lot of female friends and he flirts with all of them, constantly. i know there's nothing going on, but, really... sometimes it's a bit hard to take.


Personally, I would probably feel hurt too if my partner said things like this, especially when it sounds like you're wanting more attention, at least verbally. The fact that he's so disinterested in sex and then goes and talks about other women made me wonder if maybe he's just at a point where he's taking you for granted a bit. It doesn't sound like he talks about you the same way he talks about these other women, and that coupled with telling you he doesn't want to have sex very often probably feels painful.

With both of your partners it sounds like you view their attitudes towards sex with you as if they're doing you a favour. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I would guess you just want both of them to make you feel like a sexy, desirable woman. It sounds like it's become too much about sex and not enough about you and the act of being together in that kind of intimacy. For your partners, has sex and masturbation become mutual? That's the impression I'm getting and I think that's problematic because then it's less about the two of you being together and more about just getting off.
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