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sybarite
Damona, reading your post, I was struck by the idea that there are two things going on: how you feel about your sexuality and how your guys respond to you. They overlap for sure, but they're not the same thing.

I can understand why you doubt that being highly sexual is a good thing, given past and current responses (those 'normal woman' comments can be thrown out of the window IMO) but it is something to be celebrated. 'Too much to handle' often means too much for them to handle, so you can dismiss what sounds like bullshit. It sounds like both guys, current situation notwithstanding, have revelled in your sexuality. It's a great thing, something to feel good about.

You do sound like you're very invested in how both guys respond to you, and take it as a reflection on you/your sexuality when they choose not to have sex with you, which then makes your self-esteem go way down. I went through this years ago, where I was way more interested in sex than my guy, and I was alternately hurt and frustrated by his lack of response, so I know to an extent how you feel--but I also learned that linking how I felt about myself to how badly my guy wanted me made me too vulnerable and gave him too much power. I mean, we're all human; of course we take someone saying no personally--especially if you've put yourself out there. I guess I'm just trying to say that it's not a judgement about you, or it doesn't sound that way.

Saying that, it also sounds, like ketto indicated, that they've both gotten into patterns of taking you for granted, and I agree with her that your Mr talking like this about other women is problematic--especially if he's not that into sex overall! But it also sounds like when do you have sex with him you're really connected. It is great you can talk to the Boy openly too. If he's having health issues that are getting in the way of you two having sex, he may feel more self-conscious than he wants to let on about them, especially if he's a bit of a young'un.

I don't have any answers, really, just my thoughts on what you wrote. Keep posting about this if it helps (((damona)))
buttercups
Hey Damona,

Just have to respond because I have been in your exact shoes. I am way more sexual than my bf and always have been until I got on this damn BC pill that KILLED my sex drive. Anyways before that happened my sex drive was so much higher than his. He pretty much never cared if we had sex or not and it made me feel like it was my fault- like I wasn't able to be attractive to him or something. As you may have seen from this board I totally have body issues too...really bad ones, so it made me feel absolutely horrible. Like what man doesn't want to have sex?? He actually called me a sex addict on one occasion just because I like having sex and think its important. A sex addict! I have come to the conclusion that all this talk about men's sex drive being so much higher than ours and such is utter bullshit. When I was not on this pill and was my normal self, I thought about sex and wanted sex much more than my bf ever has. It hurt my feelings a lot that he did not reciprocate these feelings. But one day we had a talk and he just said that his sex drive is literally just low, and that he had always been that way with every girl he'd been with before me. I questioned his sexuality and asked if he just wasn't attracted to women, and he definitely said that wasn't true (I still ask him that question a lot even though he in no way seems like a gay man). I've tried to accept that maybe he just actually has a low sex drive, that maybe men like this do exist! Is it possible that this is the same with your men? There is nothing wrong with us, we just like sex! I think we have been fed this myth our whole lives that men are more into sex. All of my girlfriends are also much more into sex than their guys seem to be. It can't be that we are all unattractive, it has to be a problem with them! Maybe they have testosterone deficiencies or maybe we are just too hot too handle! You are a gorgeous woman with a great personality- I don't have to know you to know that. I've gotten down on myself about this too but please don't let yourself think it's you.

Ahh have to run- more later!
anarch
QUOTE(damona @ Aug 17 2010, 02:35 AM) *

that i'm not a normal woman. that a normal woman doesn't think about sex as much, or want it as much, and that i'm too much to handle.

so here i sit, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.


Oh, my cod. Haven't got anything to add to the wisdom other Busties have posted, but I have to reiterate, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Stereotypes about "normal" women wanting little or no sex are so fucked up. These are not stupid things you're getting upset about. It's entirely reasonable to want our sexual partners to help us feel desirable. To not just cherish, but honor our sexuality. (By "honor" I don't mean put it on a pedestal, but just -- our sexuality is worthy of being treated as something of value, something treated with respect, even admiration. Treated as valid and legitimate and normal should be the bare minimum.)

(((damona)))
damona
have i ever mentioned just how much i love this place? busties are the bestest.

more specific responses now...


ketto, it's not really that i'm lacking attention from them... well, maybe from The Mr a bit, since he works 3rd shift, i barely see him except his days off, but anyway, i do see both of them every day and we try to spend a few minutes alone together. even if it's not much, we do try to grab those few minutes we can. i do get tired of spending my nights alone, though, since The Boy feels awkward sleeping in my bed because it's The Mr's bed, too, which i do understand, but it's still a little aggravating.

it does hurt when The Mr talks about other women as if he desires them, especially since i feel like, in some ways, i'm just part of the landscape now. i try on new jeans or fix my hair differently and ask "how do i look?" and he says "just fine, dear", without ever looking up from his book or the computer. yet he'll come home from work and say "wow, a___ had on these really tight capris that make her ass look awesome and j___ cut her hair so it really makes her face look thinner." meanwhile, it took him almost 2 weeks to notice that i cut my bangs short and started parting my hair in the center and he still hasn't noticed that i'm now wearing shorts that haven't fit in 2 years. so there is that.

i'm not sure what you mean when you ask if sex and masturbation has become mutual...? but you are definitely correct that it would be nice to feel sexy and desirable again. The Boy is better at noticing and commenting on small changes than The Mr is, but "you cut bangs... hmm...(head tipped to the side as he studies me for a second) ok" doesn't exactly light a girl on fire.


syb, you pretty much hit it with this bit here.

QUOTE
very invested in how both guys respond to you, and take it as a reflection on you/your sexuality when they choose not to have sex with you, which then makes your self-esteem go way down.


while i realize it is their choice to not want sex with me at whatever the given moment is, it still feels like a personal hit much of the time, especially given my various body issues. i know i tend to take something said or done offhandedly and run away with it in my head, usually to my own detriment. i'm really trying to stop doing that, but man, it's really hard.

The Boy is being more open about his health problems now that we've talked a bit more and, unfortunately, he has no insurance and no way to see a dr right now. it's not anything life threatening, just uncomfortable, and i know it wears on him. i also understand now why he sometimes will just stop and say he's done and that it has nothing to do with me, it's just how he feels, physically.

he's also been making more of an effort to get back to cuddling and kissing, even if it doesn't lead to sex. part of my issue with him has been that he's a terrible tease and will get me right to that edge where i'm about to just jump him, and then he suddenly decides he's done, cuz he's not feeling well or whatever. i hate being teased quite that much, and i finally told him that he has to stop torturing me like that if he knows he's not going to follow through. so we've gone back to more cuddling and making out with less expectation of sex at the end.


buttercups, i've been called a sex addict, too. i've never met a guy who could completely keep up with me, sexually. well, there was one guy but unfortunately, he didn't just have a big dick, he was a big dick. but anyway... i digress. i think you may be right that we have this victorian holdover that men are way into sex, women just lie there and figure out what they're going to do for dinner tomorrow.

i actually did ask The Mr one time if he thought maybe he just wasn't into girls that much. he was quite offended, until i explained why i was asking that (it was after the "i'm trying to watch this show" episode) and then he actually seemed to consider things from my side. he just said that he really just wasn't into the whole thing, that he preferred thinking about it to actually doing it. he has some health issues, too, and he's quite overweight, so i'm sure that doesn't help matters.


anarch, i just want to say thank you for this:

QUOTE
I have to reiterate, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Stereotypes about "normal" women wanting little or no sex are so fucked up.


in my mind i know this, but sometimes it's hard to remember it.


thank you all for reading my superlong post and for responding to me. i was really in a bad place that night, mentally and emotionally. since i was able to write it all out, it helped me to sort some of it around in my head and to talk to both guys a little more.

we've also set aside one of The Mr's nights off for all of us to go out or hang out at the house together, and the other night off is just for me and The Mr, since The Boy and i are together nearly every other night (due to The Mr's working 3rd shift).

anarch
QUOTE(damona @ Aug 21 2010, 11:18 PM) *
busties are the bestest.



Yeah, I'd have gone batshit insane without y'all, these past few years.

Thanks for the update. I've been thinking about you. Good luck...
gooolist
awesome discussion here on sex issues, thanks a lot rolleyes.gif
auralpoison
*bump*
genghis cunt
Can I complain that due to bronchitus, menstruation, and a possible bladder infection, I'm back to not getting laid?
auralpoison
Oh, wow that sucks on so many levels I can't believe it! Bummer! Technically, that would go in the Frustration thread. Have at it, if I were you I'd be bitching up a storm.
purpletheory02
Hello ladies!

This is my first time on this thread, sooo excuse me if I'm off topic or start ranting or am just silly. wink.gif

I've noticed something that my boyfriend tries to hide from me about our sex life and am just not sure how or if I should bring it up to him. Apparently, since our first round of sex together, he has been using sexual enhancers in the form of supplements. Like, name brand, big ol' lettering across the bottle, BE BIGGER LONGER kind of things.

I am very unfamiliar with these products because I have simply never felt the need for any kind of enhancer. I love sex and do it when I want to and just... don't know anything about "getting a longer lasting libido".

But he hides these products from me. So, is he embarrassed? And furthermore, are these enhancers necessary? You know? We've been together just over a year and plan on taking on the long haul, but he has never mentioned to me how he wishes he could be more sexual, in fact, just the opposite! He is also well endowed to the point that I would just rip in half if he was any bigger (heehee, exaggeration, but I have told him that none the less. He's the biggest man I've ever been with and I'd be afraid of intercourse with anyone bigger) so why does he feel the need? Is this too touchy a topic to blatantly ask, or is it just me that finds it touchy? Hmmm...

Maybe I'm kind of just venting my confusion, but if anyone has a thought about this, please don't be afraid to respond.
genghis cunt
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Dec 12 2010, 08:39 PM) *
Oh, wow that sucks on so many levels I can't believe it! Bummer! Technically, that would go in the Frustration thread. Have at it, if I were you I'd be bitching up a storm.


My BF now has the creeping crud, which is fine because I'm too depressed to fuck.
mitzilouise
Hi there ladies,

This is my first ever post & I wanted to see what other women think of my situation. I cant confide in anyone because its so private & I dont have sisters & am almost ashamed at how its all turned out for me.

To make it easy, i'll bulletpoint the facts:
* I left my 13yr marriage to be with my lover G that I've been into and on/off with since I was 15. I'm now 44.
* My marriage was dead after nursing husb for 10yrs aft an accident & we had just grown apart (he's ok now)
* I had affairs with 'G' thru every relationship in my life but we were always seeing each other secretly.
* Often this was my choice, I never tried to force anything with G. I knew we werent ready for some reason.
* G is great, very laid back & easy going & never restricts me in anything & supports me in everything.
* We were always very passionate & aprx 6mths after I moved in, he cant get it up & has low desire for all sex.
* He's not into housework, or earning money, or worrying about anything.
* He's self-employed mechanic & earns enough to keep his low maint lifestyle & isnt materialistic at all.
* He's got hobbies & spends time on computer forums, in full view of me sitting with him in the lounge.
* He's seen Drs & got the right pills but still isnt into sex much at all.
* He smokes & is now kinda overweight after being fed by me for 18mths after eating only 'pot noodles' for 4yrs.
* He says its not me & that he loves me & he knew that 5yrs ago but knew I wasnt ready to leave my marriage.
* He's never given me any reason to think he even looks at other women, he just isnt that sort of guy.
* I live in his house & we're both aware of what that gives me legally & he's never had another woman do that.
* I've put into money to the renovation process we are doing together.
* We're quite opposite in many things are at home alot doing our own thing together in the same room.

I'm quite sexually frustrated & have now considered an affair, just for the sex, as I love G & I feel his love & I cant help the very sad feeling that our 'secret & illicit' world of many years is now just not exciting at all for him now we are a 'normal couple'.
I hope I havent bored you & I really look forward to seeing your replies.

mitzilouise
QUOTE(purpletheory02 @ Dec 16 2010, 08:18 AM) *
Hello ladies!

This is my first time on this thread, sooo excuse me if I'm off topic or start ranting or am just silly. wink.gif

I've noticed something that my boyfriend tries to hide from me about our sex life and am just not sure how or if I should bring it up to him. Apparently, since our first round of sex together, he has been using sexual enhancers in the form of supplements. Like, name brand, big ol' lettering across the bottle, BE BIGGER LONGER kind of things.

I am very unfamiliar with these products because I have simply never felt the need for any kind of enhancer. I love sex and do it when I want to and just... don't know anything about "getting a longer lasting libido".

But he hides these products from me. So, is he embarrassed? And furthermore, are these enhancers necessary? You know? We've been together just over a year and plan on taking on the long haul, but he has never mentioned to me how he wishes he could be more sexual, in fact, just the opposite! He is also well endowed to the point that I would just rip in half if he was any bigger (heehee, exaggeration, but I have told him that none the less. He's the biggest man I've ever been with and I'd be afraid of intercourse with anyone bigger) so why does he feel the need? Is this too touchy a topic to blatantly ask, or is it just me that finds it touchy? Hmmm...

Maybe I'm kind of just venting my confusion, but if anyone has a thought about this, please don't be afraid to respond.


yes its hard to talk about & my guy has problems & reckon talking makes it worse for him but we want to understand, its how women are so your normal there. As for his need, does he have aphysical issue he isnt talking about with you? has he not used them at all & there has been an issue? i mean does he need it or is it recreational? thats prob the first question i'd want to know.
Lalumiere
HI er...
I used post a long time ago but.. left.. and am back because.. I need advice..

I recently ended a 2.5 yr relationship and am enjoying the freedom of being single.
especially the part that I have never gotten to enjoy.. casual sex. so I guess I should explain my situation..
There is one boy, who I am friends with.. (lets call him B . ) while i was "taken" we had quite a flirtation, and now that I am single, we have started hooking up. we are both clear that we dont want a relationship (he is moving away in a few months) .. but at the same time, we find eachother attractive, and franky we both like getting laid. so thats all fine and dandy..
but then I met ANOTHER boy, (codename, D) he is in a committed relationship, but they are going through an "open relationship" phase. I have known the couple for a long time (and have always had a crush on D) and I really like them both. He is super sweet and very affectionate and loving. I know that we could never have a future together and am not looking for that, but I am happy just to be with him now.. we havent had sex yet but will in the future.. (D's GF is actually really awesome and is very encouraging, she is definately cool with the whole thing, and is having fun with her side of things too)
I guess I just.. need to talk about it to someone, cause I cant really tell anyone about either situation.
B knows that I am seeing D, and seems to be fine with it, but I am not so sure that D would feel the same way. should I tell D that I am sleeping with another boy? (D is quite a bit older than me, and might take the fact that I am sleeping with a guy closer to my age as a threat or something..)
also I kind of want some validation or something. is it all too much? I've only had sex with two boys ever (my previous relationship and now B. ) so I feel a little overwhelmed.. am I being greedy?!
aargh I am sorry for the rant I just need to get it out I guess. wacko.gif

oh and ALSO while I'm on the topic, B has a dick piercing! any ladies have experience with this? I could use some advice on giving oral, frankly I'm too scared to go near it hah! ..maybe I should take that to the oral thread..
auralpoison
*bump*
auralpoison
I am so fucking ashamed of myself for posting this, but I couldn't help it: Actual, honest to goddess Penis Hats. I sooooo want to buy one for HB just to see the look on his face! And on his cock!
ketto
Ahahaha, that's hilarious!
foryoursplendor
LaLumiere - I had a boyfriend with PA piercing a long time ago. Unfortunately, he wasn't an oral type of person so I've got nothing sad.gif

I wasn't sure where to post this, but I figured this thread made the most sense. I've been feeling weird since yesterday:

When I was somewhere around 18-19, I knew this guy from university who was 28. We would talk on the phone, internet and he would ask me to go watch movies at his place all the time. Even at the time, I thought it was strange that someone so much older than me had any interest in spending time with me. I didn't ask questions though, he was good looking and pleasant to hang out with. Eventually, he made some moves and we had sex a few times. Years later, another friend from uni asked me if we'd dated and I said no... because we hadn't... But, she also said a mutual friend of theirs had mentioned some weird stuff about things he'd said about me. I knew at the time that he had some yucky sexual interest in me because I was young, but I had no idea that he'd mentioned it to other people. It makes me really wonder what was said and feels a bit icky too.

Anyway, I saw him on the bus yesterday and it was really weird. I didn't want to let him know that I had seen him, what would we have to talk about? Ugh! I hate being in situations like that.
barbosee
I thought we should start this thread so we can keep a variety of topics / discussions / problems with a single thread, I could not find another thread about public board.
omprakada
Previously things were just not going right for me and I had a pretty ordinary experience as far as sexual encounters are concerned. Somehow things seem to be falling in place now. I would thank all the people who managed to help me and regain confidence. Still updates on sex are always interesting.
buttercups
So I don't know if I'm suffering from a low libido or what, but lately I just have NOT been interested in sex and can't for the life of me get myself into it. I'm 26 years old, been with my guy for 3 years, and I'm beginning to wonder if the spark has died a little. Don't get me wrong, when I can get into it or finally get turned on the sex is great and he tries everything to make sure it's good for me, but I just never really want to on my own lately. I feel almost like I'm forcing myself everytime, but of course once I do I'm usually happy I did in the end. I noticed with my last bf that I started to feel this way around the 3 year mark, and I never got the spark back. Does this mean I'm bored of him sexually even though I am completely in love with him? This always seems to happen with me and I don't want to give this one up. Will that spark ever come back?? I'm not quite sure what to do to make it better because I just feel kinda bored. Even when we try to shake it up a bit it takes forever to get me going. Thoughts?
miniskirtordeath
I'm 23 and recently started to have orgasms. Recently as in like this last week. I have had the same boyfriend for the last year but it's taken apparently this long to get completely comfortable and to let go. It's awesome, like I just kind of go somewhere else for a while yadda yadda, orgasms are cool. The only thing is, is that it's a huge mess. I've never felt anything so good, but when it's going to happen watch out! lay down the towels. Boyfriend thinks that it's the coolest, he's all proud but I'm just so confused. I've looked into things like squirting and read everything I could. Previously to experiencing this last week I've done as much research as I could how to orgasm and tips and tricks. Hitachi magic wand, anyone? And now it happens, and it's more than I feel like dealing with. It wasn't just once either. Two times last night alone. I even go to the bathroom before hand to make sure that I'm not just pissing myself with excitement. But may that's what it is? See, I'm just dumbfounded.
So I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just to gush about it (pun intended). But maybe (okay another one) just let it flow or try to figure out some control on this beast?
anarch
buttercups: experimentation? Any fantasies that haven't been fulfilled yet?

miniskirtordeath: No advice, but hey, high five!
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