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juicygirl
Thanks so much for posting your views and stories. Hearing about the different ways that gals live their lives is always so helpful and comforting.

Rose Violet - She's doing a tourist-6 month in Canada/1-2 months in the UK cycle. She's hasn't applied to immigrate yet (an issue that I've chosen not to get twisted up in as that's her journey). I've thought about the what ifs around it and do fear that one of these days she'll fly into here and be told she has to go home.

I'm with you on the reasons for living together. Creating a home together means -home- to me and that is very important.

Edie - I would be very ok with our having a huge space where we each had a room and one we shared. I've brought that up as a possibility. And you're right, that would be more towards my preference as the other scenario would be more towards her.

Our talk went ok last night, with both of us listening to the other, understanding where the other was coming from but not getting far at all in terms of figuring it out.

I'm feeling pretty despondent about the whole thing right now. All I could think of when I woke up beside her this morning was "What if I don't want to compromise". Is it really fair for either of us to give up on what we really want? She's a firm believer in very positive thinking, believing that we can find a solution if we want to bad enough, and finding my leaning towards the negative very frustrating.

I don't know what we're going to do and as she's flying back to the UK in three weeks, I feel like there's pressure to figure it out right now.

Today it feels like there are so many things that are pointing me towards this not being the right thing for me but I've invested three years of my life and do love her very, very much. One thing I've decided is that at this very moment, since I don't know what to do, I'm not going to make a decision. A bit flaky perhaps but I'm trying not to drive myself crazy with it.

Thanks again gals. You're all really damn wonderful.
roseviolet
juicygirl, where does she usually live while she's in Canada? I know she's staying with you now, but where did she stay over the previous 3 years? With friends? Or dd she rent a room someplace?

Does she work while she's in Canada? If so, maybe she can somehow apply for a work visa. I don't know about the immigration laws in Canada, but that could be one way for her to stay there legally. It's worth looking into because if she gets kicked out, it may be years before she's allowed back into the country.

I'm taking a bit of a jump here, but I get the feeling that your girlfriend may not wish for any sort of real commitment in her life right now. I get a feeling that she feels a great deal of personal independence and freedom by living life on her own terms. After all, she doesn't even want to commit to live in a single country, so how can she commit to moving in with you? I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. It's just where she is right now.

Besides that, she may have some very legitimate reasons for not getting a place with you. If she gets caught and is sent back to the UK, you'll be stuck paying for a place that is bigger than you need and possibly more expensive than you can afford on your own. In addition, I gotta be honest with you: Some of your girlfriend's concerns are very real. When a couple lives together, they can often take each other for granted. She's afraid of it happening with you two.

I think you're living right in the middle of a great experiment in compromise right this moment. She is living with you! Just as you want! And she will continue to live with you for 3 whole weeks. This is your time to try it out - for you two to experience the good things about living together. When she goes back to the UK, she'll have time to think about these weeks.

If she still doesn't feel comfortable moving in with you full-time, maybe she can do it part time. She might agree to live at your place for 2 or 3 days a week - maybe over the weekends. You could give her some space in your closet to keep clothes. You could cook meals together, go shopping together, hang out & watch TV, etc. It wouldn't be perfect, but it would give you both a taste of what you want. It might be worth a shot.
twelve_percent
I broke up with my long distance boyfriend today. It was a really cordial brake-up. And now, I feel kind of empty.
roseviolet
(((((((((((12%)))))))))))))))))
Persiflager
((((twelve_percent))))
twelve_percent
I'm feeling better about it. I think we were meant to be just friends. He wasn't the one for me. He was just a step in the right direction. I really care about him, but not like a mate. I feel much better.
Aithinne
Hey there busties.. I'm usually over in the small boobie thread, but I finally have fodder for the relationship thread about something that is really upsetting me- and that is, the fact that there is no relationships in sight for me. Not even a date. I don't know what to do and I'm about ready to rip my hair out and crawl in a hole and never come out.

So here's the story.. I've had 2 bfs. Bf#1 I got AFTER I graduated from HIGH SCHOOL. I didn't even like him all that much and had nothing in common with him. I only attached to him because I wasn't invisible to him. Generally in middle school and high school, people have little crushes, you know, they date people for a few weeks, and then a few weeks later they have a new person, etc. It seems like almost everyone in high school or even in middle school (!) has the ability to attract somebody enough to date them, even for a measly couple of weeks. Well, not me. The only two times I got asked out were jokes by the boys who did the "asking". No one liked me, no one wanted me, no one asked me out... ever. And there I was going through the day to day high school gig, watching literally everyone else around me having crushes, having little relationships, at least knowing somebody liked them, wanted them, dated them. So, we come to bf#1, and I figure, hey, he seems to see me standing there, I'm not invisible to him (yay! New experience there!). And I think, well, I should go out with him because looking at my history of general invisibility, he may be the only guy who will ever want me at all. I thought I better take what I can get while I can get it. As you can imagine, bf#1 didn't work out. I learned a lot from him in the 4 months we were together, so I don't regret him.

Bf#2, was all long distance the whole time (7 mo). He was a nice guy, but we had nothing in common. Again, didn't work out. When the stint with him ended, I was just starting my sophomore year of college. Both guys I dated because I wasn't invisible, and I'm pretty positive they didn't date me because they particularly liked me much either, I was just there to them, like they were just there to me. And since bf#2? Nothing.

**Crickets chirping**

That was four years ago, and here I am, present day, 24 years old, and still have never been on a date in my life (went straight to relationships with both bfs). There was a guy that I was interested in and thought might be a dating possibility, but it's not panning out. And I think he's the last straw, the last drop in the bucket for me. My dating history is a pattern of nothing, a life of nothing men-wise. I don't even get a chance, I don't even get dates that don't work out. I get nothing at all. It doesn't seem to matter if I feel happy or sad, flirty or shy, super confident or insecure. It doesn't matter who I'm with, where I am, what I'm doing, who I meet. Nothing makes a difference and nothing changes. No matter the situation, men do not want me and it's starting to drive me absolutely insane. I literally feel at the end of my rope and my nerves are completely frayed.

I am seriously putting a lot of thought into giving up on men altogether. It is really starting to make me feel horrible about myself to be rejected by the entire male sex without even being given a chance at all. I don't think there's anything majorly wrong with me that would prevent me from getting a date. I know this post is really depressing, but normally I am very happy. No one wanting me is making me wonder if there is something wrong with me that is inhibiting male interest. I don't see how the pattern of my dating history (none at all) will change. It's been 24 years of life, surely if someone, ANYONE (!!!) wanted me, it would have happened by now.

The thing is, all this hoping, positive thinking, patience, etc gets more and more meaningless as every day passes without change. Now I don't see anything worth hoping for because it just seems impossible that anyone would want me anymore. All my hoping gets me is a whole lot of nothing. I feel anger, confusion, helplessness, and sadness. I feel emotionally drained. I think that if I just accept that the nothingness will continue as my past pattern suggests, I would be much happier because then I won't have to hope for something that will not happen anyway. Maybe I'm just one of those people who is never loved or wanted by a man in their lifetime. Maybe it's just not in the cards for me.

I feel like I've got a lot of good things to offer, but no one wants them. I do handle being alone very well, but after years and years of nothing at all, the complete and total lack of companionship really is making me lose it completely. I feel like I've been single forever. And it doesn't make me happy anymore. I'm over single-dom. A decision or a change needs to be made because I simply cannot continue as I have without going into a completely destructive place in my mind. Hoping is now starting to equal hurting. The way I see it, either I can hope and get a date (which has not happened, past does not suggest that it will), or I can just not hope and give up on men and save my sanity.

If anyone can help me, I would greatly appreciate the advice. I really just wanted to get it off my chest because it bothers me very much and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I apologize for the super-long post.
vermilionkiss
((Aithinne)) I think you need to practice dating. smile.gif Just for fun. With the intention of ONLY dating and nothing more. No commitments, no obligations, no sex. Just hanging out with new people doing new things. The reason why I think that is because it sounds like you just haven't really enjoyed your interactions with ppl you've been with. Maybe you don't know what you like yet? Maybe you put too much pressure on yourself? Only you can figure out why that is.

Join some online dating sites, join a weekly book club, join a gym, take ballroom dance classes, take up a hobby, volunteer... do anything that will take you into a new pool of people. Just put yourself out there. Dating can be really fun if you keep it simple. Don't be shy about asking a guy out if you think he is interesting - it will greatly improve your chances of meeting new people if you are willing to be the one to initiate.

OH! and just to add... meeting new women is a great way to meet new men. Don't limit your networking activities to only things that guys like, do what YOU like and find people you like. The more women you know, the more brothers, friends, etc that they will be able to introduce you to.

You sound like a fun, happy, interesting person!! It will happen for you. smile.gif
rogue
(((Aithinne)))

I have to say that what you said in your post is exactly how I feel about everything when it comes to dating. I'm twenty-five and I've been dating since I was thirteen (which sounds waaaay to young when I say it out loud!) and although I've had more relationships that you say you have had, mine have all been awful with all the wrong men. Seriously, I don't know how I find these overdramatic freaks/babies. And I'm not trying to be mean when I say that because it's exactly what they were. I've been cheated on, emotionally/verbally abused, etc. I don't get what is up with men these days - and I know it's not all men, but like you, I feel like the good ones just aren't interested in me at all and I don't know why. I'll smile at them and try to seem as inviting as possible and still - nothing.

I was actually looking in on this thread pondering the question of asking if anyone has used online dating sites and to see what their experience is with them and I was happy to see that vermilionkiss actually had that listed in her suggestions to you, Aithinne. I think that might be something that is really useful for the both of us - just getting out there. It's hard though at first, I am definitely no stranger to that. And I completely understand what you mean about being twenty-four and thinking about giving up. My stepsister is the same age as we are and she is a heinous bitch (again, not trying to be mean, I only speak the truth) and she just got married two weeks ago. So I'm sure there is someone out there for you because you seem like an awesome person, you just need to find them, which is the hard part.

I guess I really did just want to say that I totally identify with you, Aithinne. You are not alone! I agree with pretty much everything VK has said and I believe it will happen for you, it just might take some more time. Being patient is such a bitch, though, isn't it? I can't stand the waiting part.
candycane_girl
Aithinne, I've been in the exact same position as you. Last year when I was 24 (I'm turning 25 tomorrow) I kept thinking about how I had only had two relationships and one had been in high school which lasted about 7 months and another one had been with a friend which only lasted for 3 months! And between bf #2 and cc_boy was 4 years! I can totally relate to feeling invisible to guys. I often felt like there was something really wrong with me because I just got no male attention at all (save for drunk guys at clubs who will give anyone attention).

Anyway, I ended up putting a post on craigslist just for the fun of it and not expecting anything to come of it but then I met cc_boy. Out of the approx 30 responses I got he was one of the 3 guys that I responded to.

For you I wouldn't suggest craigslist but you could have some success with OK Cupid because they have an option that says you are just looking for casual dating. I totally agree with vermilionkiss, that you should start off just with casual dating and no expectations. That way if it doesn't develop into anything then you won't be disappointed but you could also end up making new friends and then get introduced to even more people.

Also, on a side note, cc_boy once told me that if he had seen me at a bar or something that he wouldn't have asked me out because he would have felt too intimidated. So you never know, I guess guys deal with that kind of thing too.
vermilionkiss
OH... just a little note about online dating. When I was doing that, if a 1st date went well, I made sure to get a full name and did a little check before I saw them again. Nothing too intrusive. I would check the local curcuit courts online. I found one guy that had been married 7 times and he lied to me about it. He was obviously not an option as a friend or otherwise. I came across another guy that had several restraining orders against him. Yes.. I made sure he didn't have my contact info. It is good to be a little bit paranoid with online dating.

Other then that, I had a great expirience, ate at a lot of new restaurants, met a lot of fun people, some that I still keep in touch with even today, 10 years later.
Aithinne
Blah, thanks guys. It just sucks feeling like the only unwanted person on the planet. I've been told I'm intimidating too... But what the hell does that mean? Does it mean that most men just don't have balls? I don't play games with people and appreciate straight honest talk. But that doesn't mean I'm completely tactless.

I'm just stuck. And I don't want to hurt anymore. If I just knew it was possible for a good person to want me, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. But I get nothing and it makes it seem like I'm on a path to nowhere.
candycane_girl
aithinne, I know it probably doesn't mean much because you've probably already heard it before but I'm sure there's someone out there for you. I'm not going to tell you to be patient because you obviously already have and I know what it's like to hear the same old cliches over and over again.

I really think that the best thing to try is just to get out and be social, like I said try a dating site for some really casual dates. If you happen to meet someone that may have potential that's great and if not, well at least you got out of the house.
vermilionkiss
I found my husband at 28 years old. And, honestly, I wouldn't have looked at him 2ce if I hadn't let loose a little before he came my way. There are people out there that will think you are amazing. That will like that you are strong and straight forward and honest.

Maybe just stop looking for a little bit? Focus on yourself for awhile? If you fixate on it, it is hard to be healthy about it.
mouse
ohh, aithinne, honey.

i can totally relate. i've had more relationships than you, but i tend to have way longer dry spells than other chicks and if you were to read through my history of posts at bust, you'd get a really annoying view of how FRUSTRATING that has been for me. i don't meet guys normally...my relationships have all been either through friends where we had a correspondence before we actually hung out in person, or through online dating sites. for whatever reason, i find it exceedingly difficult to be flirty or open with anyone until i know they're into me. i know this can translate into being cold or "intimidating" to guys when i first meet them. even if i'm interested, i find it nigh impossible to project that unless i know it's being returned.

that said--online dating has been a fucking godsend. i'm great at writing--way better than i am at talking--and it's nice to see someone's profile so you know if you have something in common beyond just attraction as well. and there's that--by the time you meet up for the first date, you know that there's at least *something* that made you stand out to the other person, and it's easier to be relaxed than if you're trying to chat up some guy in a bar or whatever. and the biggest thing is that it opens your dating pool way up, and lets you meet guys you never would have crossed paths with otherwise.

as for vermilion's input, honestly, how is that any different than any other guy you might meet? you take your chances however you meet people. there's *just* as much of a possibility of the cute guy you met at the coffeeshop having a restraining order as the guy you met on okcupid.com. so, i disagree with that point of view wholeheartedly. sure, it's good to know about the person you're getting involved with, but it's no different meeting online than anywhere else.

as for stigma--i think it's mostly fading. to help push it along, let me note that one of my friends, who is the kind of chick who gets hit on all the time, used a dating site to meet her current bf. said current bf is a working actor and there is a damn good chance you may have torn his picture out of seventeen magazine and taped it to your bedroom wall in 1998. this is a guy who has fan websites made about him. and they met on the internets. so, don't even bother with the stigma.

anyway, i can't recommend it enough. you sound so much like how i feel a lot of the time, and it really has been great for me. at the very least, even if you don't meet someone for a while, it's FANTASTIC practice. so no pressure, you get more comfortable making small talk, fine tune your funny stories (and acquire some more...i DID have a guy show up to a date missing half his teeth...trufax) and occasionally meet someone you actually hit it off with. and believe me, there are even more dudes out there who feel invisible to the ladies...and most of them are on dating sites. best of luck! things will change, you just gotta take some initiative however you can.

***update for anyone interested: forgive me busties, for i have sinned. i totally hung out with and slept with said ex last night (aithinne, for what it's worth, i found this young man on a *gasp* dating site!). it was super tender and sweet but i'm keeping my head on straight...he left this morning saying "let's see each other again soon, if that's something you'd want" but don't worry, i won't let myself fall into anything bad for me. and i won't let anything drag on without a levelheaded discussion.
mouse
doublepostfail
Persiflager
I had some fun dates from online dating, and have several friends who met their current bf/gf online. There's plenty of good advice already on the subject, but I certainly don't think there's much stigma attached now.

Biggest thing that changed my dating life was learning to make the first move. Oh my god, it changed my world! It took me a while to realise that it was possible to ask a guy out for a date. have fun, and then not take it any further - for the longest time, I worried that I'd be creating an expectation I couldn't meet.

I was amazed to find out how many great guys wouldn't have dared to ask me out, either because they're shy or because they thought I wouldn't be interested (and that includes my current, been-together-for-a-year-and-madly-in-love boyfriend - seriously, how could he not have realised how hot he was!).

I also loved being the one to choose - instead of choosing from the tiny pool of guys who were pursuing me, I could choose from all the eligible men I met in London. There was no pressure - I could take my time thinking about whether or not I liked someone, and what I wanted in a boyfriend/relationship, and pick out the best. And I was a lot happier when I was thinking about whether or not I wanted men, rather than whether or not they wanted me.

I did get turned down a couple of times, but they honestly don't stick in my mind at all.

Apologies if this is way off track, but I noticed that your post talked about boys not asking you out, and not you asking boys out.
nickclick
i met my husband online 3 1/2 yrs ago! on Match.com
candycane_girl
Mouse, I just have to say that I love you for the following things:

1. saying trufax
2. saying doublepostfail
3. being awesome

However, damn you because now I am so curious as to who this "working actor" guy is! I was 14 in 1998 and I probably still have some old issues of Seventeen lying around.


ETA: I know two people who got married this summer who met online. I definitely think that online dating is losing its stigma, or at least the dating sites are. Craigslist, however, is still viewed as totally sketchy.
angie_21
Hi Aithinne, I was just having a conversation with a girl at work about the exact same thing! She and another of my coworkers talked for like half an hour about their online dating experiences, good and bad. My cousin also married a guy she met online. This stuff is so common now, I don't really think anyone thinks of it any differently than meeting a guy at an acting class or cooking class or whatever, it's all the same, people are out there looking for other people.

If it helps, I've only dated a few more people than you have, and I'm 26. I've only been single for a total of 2 years since I was 15 though (wow. weird) mainly because I've been in long term relationships and often not realized how bad they were for me. While you were "missing out" on couple-dom, I was missing out on having a single life where I made my own decisions and did what I wanted and wore what I wanted, or even lived where I wanted. My point is, in one way you are very lucky because you have had the chance to learn what you want in life before getting into a long-term relationship. I think everyone else is right in terms of online dating, and having the confidence to ask guys out (when I was single I got shot down more than once, and just didn't let it bug me. I mean, not everyone on the whole planet is going to love you, and that's OK), I can't really help much on the dating side of things due to a lack of experience. I also have never been on a "date."

But what I can say is, when you do ask guys out, or meet them online, remember that you can, like everyone said, just go on one or two dates and realize they're not for you. You don't need to worry about what their expectations are, or if they think you've been leadign them on, or whatever, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you need to get out there and do what makes you happy. I let myself stay trapped in a 3 year relationship that sucked because I didn't know how to let the guy down when I knew after 3 weeks that it wasn't quite right.

And if you do meet the right guy, or even the "right for tonight" guy, don't be afraid to go for it! I've never in my limited experiences had a guy judge me for being too "forward" or too comfortable with my body... usually they really like that!
buttercups
Hi Aithinne, just wanted to say I think you're awesome and I always love your posts! I can tell that you are just an amazing person and if I can tell that from all the way over here that means other people definitely notice it! The other girls have already given great advice, and my story def agrees with what they all said. I have def felt exactly like you have, and I know hearing that doesn't help either, but let me tell you that any guy I have ever dated (the 2 I have dated including my bf now) I got by me doing the asking. I would not have had any relationships at all if I hadn't stepped up to the plate. My current bf, here is how I got him to go out with me - he was unsure when I asked him out and I told him about how it was my birthday that friday and if he didn't go out with me my birthday would be sad. Hahah how's that for forcing? To be honest it doesn't make me feel particularly great that I had to push that hard, but now we've been going out for well over a year and he could not be more crazy about me. So sometimes us girls have got to do the dirty work ( and in my case I always had to do it!). I can't say there aren't times that I wished one of them would have just gone and asked me out, but in the long run it doesn't matter who does the asking. It's hard putting yourself out there, but if all else fails use the birthday excuse haha! Ok, ok not the best idea guilting men into dating you hahah, but if you ever come across someone you really like then you do what you have to do. And I guarantee that once they are out there with you (even if it was by such desperate measures as I ashamedly resorted to) you will get to talking and laughing and he will see how wonderful you are. I don't think that was all that helpful, but we are all here for you and rooting for you! You are going to find the love of your life and when you do it is going to be just that much better than maybe it is for other people because you are going to appreciate it so much more. Whatever guy catches you is going to be one of the luckiest guys on earth! <3 <3
Aithinne
Hey ladies, sorry I've been MIA for a few days. I've been working up a storm. We'll see if I can get through writing a post without a customer interrupting... Thanks all for the tips. About online dating, I don't have anything against it, and if I have the money, I might give it a try. I don't know what websites are the best though.

As far as asking guys out, I've never done it. Idk, I always figured that if I didn't get asked out, then they clearly don't want me. I don't have anything against women asking out guys, but I guess personally I just really wish I stood out enough or caught a guy's attention enough to be the askee, instead of the asker. I think my feelings on doing the asking are probably messed up, but it makes me feel like if I do the asking, I don't really know for sure if the guy really sees anything special about me or if he's just going along for the ride in the hopes that he might get laid by a girl he really thinks is mediocre. I doubt myself so much in this particular area of my life that I think I would just feel so much more confident if I was special enough to men to be asked out by them instead of me doing the asking.

I guess I better dig around in my dresser drawer and find my balls because I don't see how any guy is going to be asking me out anytime soon, based on my past experience. I guess by doing the asking I'll find out definitively if men want me or not or if they're just as much of a chicken shit as me. Lol.
auralpoison
By the by, OKCupid is free. And there are quizzes!
girltrouble
wait... aural? you're on okcupid? oh, i have to find you......hee hee!
auralpoison
I signed up a long, long time ago. I used to check in to take quizzes in the pre-FB days. I like quizzes!

ETA: Wow. I found you in like, under sixty seconds.
Aithinne
QUOTE(mouse @ Oct 9 2009, 06:52 PM) *
for whatever reason, i find it exceedingly difficult to be flirty or open with anyone until i know they're into me. i know this can translate into being cold or "intimidating" to guys when i first meet them. even if i'm interested, i find it nigh impossible to project that unless i know it's being returned.


I just re-read this and realized this is exactly my problem with asking out men... And I have been told I'm intimidating. I think I do the same- I've got ironclad walls up until I feel emotionally safe with someone then I warm up quite a bit. I'm very affectionate when I let people in my circle. Like you, mouse, I also find it very hard to let my guard down until I don't doubt that the other person likes me. It's a strange catch-22. Don't want to be vulnerable without trust, but have to be vulnerable to attract anyone.

It's weird... I think I can handle if people break up with me or decide after getting to know me that they don't click with me, but the thing I find so difficult is never getting the chance at all with men. They never decide after spending time with me if they want to continue or not, it's just no no no from the get go. (Hey I rhymed... Lol.)

Hope everyone is having a relaxing Sunday...
buttercups
Trust me Aithinne, guys may still find you special even if they aren't great at making the first move. If I never did it, I wouldn't have had any relationships so far. I know you can do it! I don't feel like my bf doesn't think I'm worth it enough just bc he didn't ask me out. Like I said in my last post, once youre in a relationship it won't matter who did the asking.

Most recent problem I'm struggling with now...its my friend's birthday this weekend and she asked only a few people to her party- which consists of going to a kinda sleazy club and dancing all night. I'm the only girl invited who has a bf and I don't know what to do. My bf has made it clear that he does not feel comfortable with me going, and I feel kinda weird being the only girl not single there- what will I do if they all start dancing with guys? What would you ladies do? Would you go anyways just for your friend or would you try to respect your bf's feelings and not go. There's a dinner beforehand so I could just go to half, but Idk something inside is making me feel guilty if I don't go to her whole party since few people are invited...
flanker_ji
Aithinne, I've found I'm most comfortable getting to know guys in a friendly context first, long enough to establish a rapport, so I feel comfortable and open with them. You also find out some basic stuff that would may or may not be a dealbreaker for you. I've also found that most friends of the opposite sex become close to you because, at least on some level, they're attracted to you. Is there anyone that's been under your nose that you might reconsider for a date? And when I take the pressure of looking for a date out of every interaction with men, I'm so much more relaxed and fun, and the potential love interests make themselves obvious.

I was friends with my BF for a year and a half before I gave him my number and told him to call if he wanted to go on a date! Full disclosure: I held out on making the first move as long as possible, until it became clear that he was really into me, but was also really afraid to put himself out there.

Buttercups, I don't think you should feel guilty about just going to the dinner. It sounds like the best compromise, especially since you don't want to go to the club anyway. You aren't the one to blame for your friend's small guest list!
ananke
buttercup - I wouldn't go dancing because I'm old and decrepit! There's no way Mr A would have an issue with me going to a club and dancing though, even if I danced with guys. It's just dancing. He'd probably be more worried about transport though.
Aithinne
QUOTE(flanker_ji @ Oct 11 2009, 10:36 PM) *
[color=#FF0066]I've also found that most friends of the opposite sex become close to you because, at least on some level, they're attracted to you.


This is an interesting idea. It does make sense though. I do have a few male friends, but one moved away to CA, and the other is a coworker that I was trying to put the moves on, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I kind of gave up on him as a dating possibility because like I said, hoping was making me crazy and I felt like I was putting too much pressure on myself and him. But since I've sort of abandoned him as a date possibility, I feel much more relaxed around him. That's why I think giving up on men will make me stress out less so I can be my normal relaxed self. Idk though, I think I'm a hopeful person by nature, so trying to reject that part of me would be hard, but then again, it may be better for my emotional well being.

Buttercups, I am wondering why your bf doesn't want you to go? It sounds like an insecurity thing... you at a club with a bunch of drunk men. What do you think his motivation is?
buttercups
Hmm Aithinne, when you say you tried to put the moves on your friend at work, how did you do it? Do you think you made it obvious or maybe not obvious enough? Guys don't get subtle hints sometimes (or most of the time haha). Just wondering if he would have gotten the idea that you were interested..

As far as my bf, yea there is a lot of insecurity there. He also has told me specifically that he does not feel comfortable with me dancing with other guys. It's just one of those things that makes him upset. He wouldn't dare tell me not to go, but he has hinted that the idea of me going to a club and dancing with other men is upsetting to him. I guess if the roles were reversed I wouldn't like the idea too much either- but then again I am insecure haha.
candycane_girl
buttercups, I just wanted to say that most of the times I've gone to clubs my friends and I just kind of dance in a circle with each other. I've never known anyone to actually want to meet a guy at a club so usually we just try to create a circle that no guy can get into. Once in a while there might be a creep who still tries to dance up behind one of us but then we usually just move. I don't know, do you friends usually dance with random guys at clubs? I guess it all depends on their style.
Aithinne
QUOTE(buttercups @ Oct 12 2009, 03:13 PM) *
Hmm Aithinne, when you say you tried to put the moves on your friend at work, how did you do it? Do you think you made it obvious or maybe not obvious enough? Guys don't get subtle hints sometimes (or most of the time haha). Just wondering if he would have gotten the idea that you were interested..

As far as my bf, yea there is a lot of insecurity there. He also has told me specifically that he does not feel comfortable with me dancing with other guys. It's just one of those things that makes him upset. He wouldn't dare tell me not to go, but he has hinted that the idea of me going to a club and dancing with other men is upsetting to him. I guess if the roles were reversed I wouldn't like the idea too much either- but then again I am insecure haha.


Well, I point blank asked him if dating would be a possibility between us.. So maybe I have asked out a guy before? Lol.. I just realized that I did the first move. Well, he said he thought I was cool but he didn't want to date because he was working on his career (i.e. looking for another job) and he didn't want to start dating because he might have to move away. I secretly think this is a mediocre excuse to not date.. To me, there aren't that many people who are awesome that you'd want to date and who you have chemistry with, so I say take the chance when it comes along. But that's just his thing.. idk. Now that I've given up on him as a date and been more relaxed recently, he may decide he wants to date me... Lol!!!!! This is such a strange situation.

I agree with candycane girl with the dancing thing. When I go out with my girl friends, we always just dance with each other... idk.
mouse
aithinne, you seem to be on the right track, but i just wanna drop in and agree with the ladies on the response to your "if he liked me, he would've said something by now" attitude. i don't think that is doing you any favors. sure, there's a grain of truth in it, but there are infinitely many reasons that a guy might stay mum--he might be afraid of rejection too, or the idea of you may just never have crossed his mind. the fact that this hasn't happened yet DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. i know when i go out and scope around for cute boys, i have a "type". i tend to ignore dudes who don't fit in that type automatically. i simply don't register the dudes that don't fall into my subconsciously preconceived notion of cute or "my species". but MOST of the guys i've ended up dating and ultimately falling for have been outside that type, the kind of dude i wouldn't have noticed or thought of "that way" in passing. but once they were brought to my attention, that all changed. once they were put into the context of "hey, this dude likes you" i all of a sudden noticed attractive qualities in them i would've otherwise missed out on. sometimes it just takes contextualization.
Aithinne
That is true... The guys that I've found most interesting are guys that if I just looked at, I probably would not approach. But those same guys that I met through other avenues turned out to be very outgoing and fun... So there you go folks.. the old 'don't judge a book by its cover' saying rings true again!
candycane_girl
Aithinne, personally I wouldn't ask a guy if he thought that there was the possibility of dating. I think that is a bit intimidating. I'd go for something waaaaay more casual like just asking if he wants to get coffee or something. That way it's not really a total date and if he does reveal (like he did) that he's not interested in a relationship then it was just coffee and nothing more.
angie_21
Aithinne, it is true that being relaxed and confident sends a completely different message to guys. It's like how once you're in a relationship, suddenly romantic potential starts showing up everywhere even though you're not even looking anymore. Give yourself time, too, don't push it. These things don't need to happen overnight. Let the friend situation work itself out.. Sometimes friends really are just friends, and you need to time to go out and have fun with a variety of guys. This sounds backwards, but maybe if he sees you going out for coffee with other guys, that would be more likely to help move you out of "just friends" territory in his mind.

Hey buttercups, did you end up going out dancing? I'm just putting in my two cents that my bf also used to be pretty insecure about that kind of thing, since he had been cheated on before, but I made it clear that while I understood his feelings, he would have to trust me. I wasn't going to stop myself from having fun to keep him happy. After I went out with my friends a few times and didn't cheat on him or leave him, he stopped getting freaked out, and now he likes the idea of me going out, even if I am dressed sexy and guys want to dance with me, because he knows that even though all those other guys might want me (well, really that's up for debate anyways lol), they can't have me because I'm coming home to him at the end of the night.
girltrouble
quick question: there is this girl i have a crush on, we've hung out 2 times, last night with her friends seeing movies, she did little things, that i take to mean that she likes me too, like making a bit of a deal of getting soda that i like so we can share during the movie, nothing big, so it could go either way. is it better, to be absolutely clear, and say, hey, i am seriously into you, and i wanna take you on a date, and be clear that i'm looking for something romantic, or should i keep it casual, and just ask her if she wants to go see a movie and keep it vague?

personally i'm leaning towards the first, but it's really hard to figure out how to ask a girl out. my last relationship, i was the femme, and mr. t was the butch, now i'm learning to be a soft butch, and it's hard to know the signals. the ironic thing is, when i was a boy i would have known ezzakly what to do, how to act, now, i have no clue.
zoya
.... I would ask her to see another movie, casually, but in an important way - kinda like what you'd do when you've met a new person you're really into getting to be friends with. You might call them up or text them and say "hey, I was thinking I'd go to see (whatever movie) tonight, wanna join me?" I'd do that just one more time. While you're out with her seeing that movie, you can keep it friendly and just enjoy. But afterwards, I'd suggest maybe grabbing a drink or something, and if things are comfortable and going well, then tell her that you'd be really into dating her - and see what she says. I always think it's cooler to not be so formal about it at the beginning. The last couple boyfriends I've had, it was exactly like that, I kinda knew that they might be into me, but it was never so formal - it just kinda slid into dating, very comfortably, exactly that way.
auralpoison
What Zoya said.
girltrouble
my new mantra: ask the busties, ask the busties. thanks z. wink.gif
zoya
now, on the other tip, I did a favor for IBT (intended boy toy) today and told him he owed me a trade, and that I thought he should go see this movie with me that I've been wanting to see. (I did put it "because no one else likes that stuff", but prob. ok) so thanks to this thread I finally grew the balls to at least attempt to take matters into my own hands.....
flanker_ji
Yay zoya!! Hope he goes from IBT to BT soon!
girltrouble
yay! that's awesome, zoya!

i made what i thought was an innocuous comment to my crush on facebook, and, well, i got reply in the form of an email i was not expecting. blink.gif i'm pretty sure it means she likes me, unless she is an extreme flirt. i wrote her an email back. and we will see. i hesitate to call it a sure thing, because nothing is simple with me, or in my life. there is always some calibration, and recalculation that goes on, even 2+2 ends up being way more complicated. i think the signs are there. keep your fingers crossed and i'll tell you how it goes.

i haven't asked her to a movie yet, although i know what movie (9), the question is when.

but that letter... i think she likes me, and it just boggles my mind. i just wish i could be more sure.
time will tell.
auralpoison
Um, she likes you, yeah. Her tone is definitely flirtatious. I can't imagine she puts as much effort into her other FB friends as she does into you because that would eat up a hefty chunk of her time, yo.
roseviolet
Go for it, GT. I hear that "9" won't be in the theaters for much longer, so you better shake a leg!

Zoya, good for you!

Buttercups, I hope you went out with your girlfriends. My experience is similar to what others mentioned: if I go out dancing with girlfriends, we tend to stick together. The others are free to dance with guys if they want to, but if they do there's usually still at least one girl who will hang out with me until our friends come back. It usually isn't a big deal.

Aithinne, I totally agree with everything that has been said - especially CCG's post. Keep it casual & take things one step at a time. If you're interested in asking a guy out, veil it within a conversation. For instance, if you're talking about movies you've seen recently, you could mention a film that you want to see and ask if he'd like to come along. The same tactic can be used to ask him to a play, an art showing, whatever. After you've hung out alone once, you should know whether you're interested in this being a "dating" thing or just a friend thing.

anna k
Aww, yay zoya! I am so proud of you!

GT, that sounds so fun and exciting! Keep us posted!

I agree on feeling more comfortable dancing with girlfriends. Whenever I've gone out dancing, I feel more at ease dancing free and sexy with women, but more shyer or inhibited when dancing with a guy, not wanting to be flirty or sexy while dancing.

Today I'm going out on a date with a guy from OKCupid. We've been talking a lot, get along well (he likes cooking, likes heavy metal, wants to be an electrician), and tried to meet before, but schedules clashed. So now we're having lunch together, and I'm nervous and excited. It could be something, could be just a friend, whatever. I just like meeting new and interesting people and having good conversations without any expectations.
girltrouble
well, i'm glad it's not just me, aural. she's constantly telling me "she's not like this." with her other friends, but whenever i show special interest, she kind of backs off. on the two times we've hung out, she makes a point of talking about things she knows i like... perhaps she's the queen of mixed signals.[sigh] it's getting kind of annoying.

[eta] yeah. i'm really starting to think she's the queen of mixed signals, and it is putting me off BIG TIME. cos she is doing things that make me think she want's something more than friends (the email) but then pretends like it never happened. i've so not been starting things with her, she starts with me, i pursue a bit, she gets cold. this is getting super old, super fast. grrrrrrrr.
auralpoison
I noticed when she first started popping up & that she popped up with great frequency. She always has some clever/witty/funny comment at the ready. I mean, if my friend Nick were commenting so frequently on your posts or if your friend the JB started commenting on mine as frequently, I'd definitely think something more than just friendly was afoot. I'd think there was some sweatin', some strap danglin' goin' on.
stargazer
GT, uh, dood, I think she likes you too. Like AP, I've noticed she is blowing up your FB wall like nobody's business. Just follow Zoya's advice and take things casually.
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