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maddy29
I totally feel like that sometimes. I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 years, and I love him dearly. BUt yeah, when I stop and think about it I get scared. I haven't had much (any) boyfriend experience so sometimes I think I shouldn't get so serious with him. But, he's great, and I love him.

I usually think about this most when he's being a brat......
katiebelle2882
i went through the same thing guys. basically greenbean and i have had the same exact experience as eachother. we both ended up breaking up with our significant other. but that doesnt mean you should! just seriously think about where you want to go with something and why. i totally understand how you feel and it sucks, and even worse, its confusing as hell!
missjuliet
Dear lovely Bustees,

I just posted this in the forum, but realized I could have just posted it in here...Sorry about that.

I know I'm still a newbie here, but I am in a terrible place right now and need some advice.

Today I discovered that my boyfriend has a "porn problem"

My father had a terrible problem with porn as well and it led to my parents divorce. Because of this, porn is a really touchy subject for me.

I've told him about my father and why it upsets me before. I confronted him about it and he lied, but I was sneaky and went on his computer where I saw some really strange things. It had to do with drawn animals and it was really disturbing.

Anyway, I'm terribly upset and was wondering if I'm overreacting.

Do all guys really watch porn?

If you're going out with a guy do you feel it's ok if they do watch it?

And if you feel it's ok do you ever feel upset that he isn't satisfied with you and you only?

I'm so confused and upset.

He said he'd change, but I'm not sure what to believe.

Please help!

<3
greenbean
Ok, I've got a weird sitch here. I met a guy awhile back who lives eight hours away, who was visiting some friends of mine one drunken night. We hooked-up, and he asked for my number. I was reeeeally
drunk, so I gave it to him with out thinking about it. Now I'm kicking myself because he is calling like, once a week and they are boring phone calls. I dont know what he wants from me, we cant date because of distance and he never says anything remotely romantic when he calls,..they are just mind-numbingly boring small-talk calls. I've ignored one, thinking hed get the hint but he just called again the next day.
What do I do?
katiebelle2882
i dont know greenbean, i would be inclined to say keep ignoring him. or, you could just tell him that you didnt see a future together and kind of prompt him to tell you what exactly he is looking for out of these phone calls.
auralpoison
You have to say something, Greenbean. If not, he'll just keep calling & when he finally does buy a clue, he'll be hurt way worse. I have a guy that I stopped calling almost two years ago that still crops up here & there. I expect to hear from him next month, as his birthday is in August. Another accidentally texted me a few weeks back & when I responded he enthusiastically asked me to meet him out for a beverage. Trust me. It's saner in the long run to just say, "Hey, I was drunk, you live a long way away, & oh, yeah, I was drunk. Uh, my bad. Please stop calling." If he's a lonely small towner (I have one, but I enjoy messing with his mind when he calls because he always has to make an excuse as to why he's actually calling. It's never just, "I want to talk to a warm blooded female & you don't hate me entirely."), he probably just wants to have hope that there is a single woman out there he can just talk to.

I once snogged with a granola on NYE & he proceeded to call even after I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. Dude, if a bitch doesn't remember you because she was trashed & festive, forget about it.

We had our first minor tiff yesterday when he left me sleeping in the hammock (I looked like I'd fallen asleep on a waffle iron. Sexy.) instead of waking me up for dinner & Deadwood. His excuse: "You seemed like you needed the sleep, so I let you." True, I had a late night before that, but we were *supposed* to *not* be watching TV so I could get home to my own bed at a decent hour. HE. JUST. DIDN'T. GET. IT. No clue as to why I was annoyed. He cocked his head & looked at me like a confused caribou. He went to check the laundry(Read, re-heat my plate/get me another glass of wine to get my bloodsugar back up & me back in a shagging mood.) & I went to his bathroom to think about rearranging his medicine chest because he's just as OCD as I am & it'd make him crazy. Until. I noticed that he'd rearranged it himself to accomodate a new Sonic toothbrush, my *specialextrafancy* toothpaste, Listerine, a pick, my unscented deoderant, & big bottle of my antihistimine. Everything but my perfume. All neatly arranged & faced forward. He even bought me jammies. Sexy *silk* jammies. It was sweet 'cause I usually mill around naked or in one of his button downs until byebye time. I took all of this as an invitation to maybe stay over. So I decided to spend the night when he didn't seem too interested in letting me go afterward & he shifted us out of the wet spot.

Now for the dilemma! As posted, last night was the first sleep over. Disastrous! I have trouble sleeping in a bed not my own, hence I toss & I turn. Not to mention the fact that my mind is a gulag during my waking hours, at night it goes completely outer limits. I talk, I shout, I speak in tongues. He sleeps so lightly that at one point he asked me to stop thinking so loud. Eventually I went & laid on the sofa. We both looked like shit, but parted on a good note this morning. Having him sleep here is difficult because he cannot do cats & they are spooked by him. I always thought people slept in different rooms/beds because of fifties TV, not because it was necessary. Maybe I'll just sleep in the hammock all summer...
sybarite
Fwiw, auralpoison, the long term resident mister and I sleep seperately sometimes... mostly because he snores. There was a big debate on Salon some months back when someone wrote in saying 'is it normal to sleep apart?' and a bunch of people wrote back sa
sybarite
Grrr... my posts keep getting eaten!

Basically, although it is different at the start of a relationship when you're bonding up a storm, I don't think sleeping apart sometimes is particularly bad... or unusual.
greenbean
I totally agree that I should tell him I'm not interested, its just so hard when the oppurtunity doesnt present itself. If he said something like he misses me or that he wants to come see me, then I could say something...but he doesnt say anything like that so basically I'd have to say outta the clear blue, "um by the way, I dont like you."
I feel like an extra jerk because I AM having a phone/email relationship with someone across an entire ocean (see LD thread) so I cant use the excuse that hes too far away. (well, I could, but I'm a terrible liar.)
I wish there was a nice way to tell someone that they are boring as fuck.
citrussss
Greenbean, I have to admit that even though I can be a very straightforward person, when it comes to unwanted phone-calls from boys I find ignoring them the best method. Everytime I speak to a guy on the phone, whether the conversation was good or bad, it usually invites a follow-up of sorts. So now I just don't call back. *shrug* I guess I'm just lazy about those things.

I do have a situation though. A boy who I have fooled around with on a couple of occasions in the past (ie; a year ago) just recently broke up with his girlfriend of maybe 8 months. Or so he said. Turns out he had been lying to me about it for weeks just to get me in the sack. Now I have no idea how to respond. I've kept him squirming not letting on that I know, but I'm stuck as to how to proceed. Plus I have to see him all the time.

Boys are useless tools. What do I do??
girlygirlgag
I do what Citrusss does. Just ignore him forever. If he calls and you slip and answer, tell him you are walking out the door and will have to catch up with him at another time.
auralpoison
See now, I'm a big proponent of the whole, "If you tell somebody thirty times that you don't want to talk to them, you've talked to them twenty-nine times too many." I rip the bandaid off & if they choose to continue to call, *thats* when I ignore them. I'd feel dishonest & sleazy otherwise. I won't have my phone/life held hostage by dodging calls from some guy I randomly gave my number to. I do that enough with my family.
edna
greenbean, why don't you just tell the pest that you're involved w/somebody else (not a lie; you're more interested in overseas guy) and therefore don't feel right about him calling you all the time?
greenbean
Yeah, well he hasnt called since sunday, and hopefully he got the hint because I was very dry on the phone and cut it short (I only picked up cuz I thought it was someone else). If he does call again I will mention that I'm seeing someone. Gosh, I really hope hes already got the hint tho...gawd i feel like a real jerk.
auralpoison
Hey, man, not everybody is into you, & you're not into everybody. Rejection sucks, but it's part of it. No guilt. Attraction is subjective & he only made the cut when you were soused.
opheliathemuse
hey, whatever happened to the age thread? I have need of it now...
bella coola
Hey all. Just an awesome chunk of advice I thought y'all might like to consider. Inspires though - is good!


1. Stay focused inside your own body, noticing your own
feelings rather than just being tuned into the other
person's feelings. Stay conscious of NOT taking
responsibility for the others person's feelings of worth or
security, and NOT making the other person responsible for
your feelings of worth or security.

2. Make a solid decision before getting together with the
other person that you are willing to lose the other person
rather than lose yourself. Make a conscious decision to NOT
make the other person's wants, needs and feelings more
important than your own.

3. Stay clear on your own truth, NOT letting the other
person talk you in or out of what feels good and right for
you.

4. Be willing to take full, 100% responsibility for behaving
in a way that makes you feel worthy, safe and powerful. Be
willing to be who you really are rather than trying to
impress. Make a conscious decision that being in integrity
with who you really are, is more important than getting the
other person's approval.

5. Do NOT disregard the big or small things that you find
difficult, intolerable or unacceptable. If something is
unacceptable or intolerable to you early in the
relationship, the chances are that it is not going to get
better. Do NOT convince yourself that, because there are so
many good things about this person, you can overlook the
problems or get the other person to change. This NEVER
works!

Fears of rejection can emerge very early in a relationship.
Some people are terrified of doing something wrong and being
rejected, because they make they other person responsible
for their feelings of worth and lovability. The fear of
rejection can lead a person to give him/herself up to the
other person, thereby touching off fears of engulfment - of
loving oneself and being controlled or consumed by the other
person. Thus, fears of loss - loss of self or loss of other
- often surface quickly and people find themselves either
giving in or pulling away in their efforts to protect
themselves from their fears.

If you allow fear to guide you, you will likely either pull
away or end up in an unsatisfying relationship. The most
important thing to remember as you move into exploring a new
relationship is: LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE, NOT FEAR. This
means that you need to be open to learning about what is
most loving to YOU - what is really in your highest good -
rather than trying to have control over not being rejected
or controlled by the other person. So, number six is:

6. Keep asking your inner wisdom, "What is the loving action
toward myself right now? What is in my highest good right
now?"

If you keep asking this vital question, you will find your
way through exploring a new relationship without losing
yourself and without getting hurt by the other person.

by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
edna
Bella, that's great. In fact, I really needed to read that. Thanks for posting it.
samiam
Yes!!!!!!!!!! I needed that.

It seems like all the men I fall in with are selfish narcisists who want for them, not for me. I don't have to be the center of the fucking universe, but a star or two in my name might be nice. Why is it that when I show any interest in a guy, or, God forbid, carrying something to the next step, they run for the hills squealing some bullshit about space, goals, time.

Fuck them.
bella coola
Glad you liked it! Pretty neat hey. I find it good advice for learning to accept friends and family too - I am certainly guilty of having held them responsible for my happiness in the past.

Hey samiam - very frustruating, yes! But do you really want to waste your time dating a guy that doesn't have the balls to man up when he finds out you're in to him?? They're just thinning out to make way for the real thing, I expect.
dynamitedamsel
He's plays this game.....Baby I miss you he says...but then doesn't call.....I can't wait to see you....but he doesn't. The thing is at first I was really pissed (because I was doing the don'ts on bellas list)...but then I realized his game and decided I think I want to play back...not too sure if this is the right thing, but, the sex is absolutely fabulous and I don't want to give it up. Besides, it's never been anything serious between us, it is what it is.

By the way thanks Bella...the advice was soo great I emailed it to my best friend.
samiam
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Right now I am so angry at the state of my dating life, I feel like screaming and throwing things and breaking glass all over the middle of the street. Mostly I am just disappointed in the capacity of the men around me to make a decision. "I want you, but I don't want a commitment to you" seems to be the message. Well, I'm done. If you can't deal with a woman who has her act together and knows what she wants, find your balls and hit the road. That's my message.
gypsyraven
I have a question(s) and figured this was the best place for it. If I am wrong on placement, please tell me. Ok....we recently spent a weekend with a couple, hanging out, bbq-ing and such. They were "concerned" that maybe my husband and I are not "in love". They chalked it up to the fact that we weren't all kissy and huggy with each other in public. We show affection and give attention but are very subtle with it. They do not want to hang out anymore because we don't act in love. My questions are, #1 do you and your spouse/partner participate in pda and #2 would you not hang out with a couple because they aren't all over each other? Keep in mind, they are blaming me for the problem, saying I need to show my hubby more attention and affection. Not so easy when your man isn't into pda anyway.
hellotampon
whaaaaaaaat? That is the strangest, most fucked up thing I've heard all day. Why would you ditch friends because of something like that? That is none of their business anyway!
Were they planning on spouse-swapping with you or something?
pepper
icky. bad friends, you're undoubtably better off without them. what a wierd thing to project onto other people. very, very strange.
edna
Sounds to me like this other couple maybe has some issues of their own that they're projecting onto others. I could see not wanting to hang out w/ a couple if they were openly hostile to each other, and I might even be grossed out and annoyed by a couple that was all PDA 24/7 in front of me.

How long have you known these people? Unless they are old friends that you've known a very long time, they have no business saying anything about your relationship or behavior with your partner.

girlygirlgag
Ewww. That's creepy!

It reminds me of the old SNL skit thwne Ratchel Dratch and Will Ferrel would play the "Lovers" and behave all icky like, and praise their LOVEMAKING! *shudder*
gypsyraven
In answer to a question, yes I think they were wanting to swap or something. She kept taking her hubby's P out and playing with it. I even told her it was making us uncomfortable and she just kept doing it. We had only known them a few months.
girlygirlgag
Seriously, were they on drugs or something>?

YUCK blink.gif
cranberrigirl
wow. Yup The Lovers from SNL definitely come to my mind as well. blink.gif

I hate, hate, hate PDA's. The smooching, the touching, stroking, rubbing, whispering, the f-ing pet names like muffin, and sugar lips and monkey.. gag.. I want to barf. (sorry pregnant hormones acting up.)

My husband and I just don't do it. I mean we hold hands in public, but that's pretty much it.
I have found however people that are outwardly physical like that aren't necessarily doing ANYTHING in the bedroom.
pepper
'scuse me? she kept taking her husband's P out and playing with it? you are talking about his penis right?
what the Fuck?
and you didn't leave? man, i would have been so OUT of there, and i am just about the most open minded person i know. nice fucking manners. geez.
girl, word to the wise, don't hang with those peeps again. they are messed Right up.
girlygirlgag
So pepper, do you think it would be rude if I took my shirt off during our progressive dinners and shimmied my B cups all around this joint?
greenbean
OMG this is cracking me up! What weirdos! I get uncomfortable around my hippy friends when they start giving each other backrubs in front of me,..but HANDJOBS! Omg, yeah I'd be so out the door.
gypsyraven
It wasn't just a handjob and they did leave us to go to their bedroom..she is such a screamer...we would have left but it was late and we were 3 hours from home. But they had the nerve to tell us that we aren't as in love as they are? WTF ever, if you have phuck in front of company to show how much you love your spouse, then something is wrong. Hey GGG, I will shimmy mine if you shimmy yours!!! Let's hit a classy restaurant!!
pepper
oh, charming. they thought to Embarass you into having raunchy sex with or in front of them so that They could get off.
who isn't really in love enough? hmm...
girlygirlgag
I am wondering if this may be fit fo rthe grody gross out thread?

WHERE'S MY PASTIES?!
venetia
that is sooo hilarious! I can't believe they are using "in love" as a code word for "masturbate each other in public".
kungpaoketchup
Anybody have any good ideas about socilizing as a couple? Mr. Ketchup and I have been seeing each other for months now. We are each other's first longer-term relationship. Sadly, we don't have any common friends, and we don't often socialize with other people, preferring to spend our time together alone together. In fact, I've only ever met two or three of his friends. He is glad to join me and my friends for a night out if I ask him and has been out with my group of friends several times. However, he has never suggested that we go out with his friends at all. Is this weird? I don't like to play games about these sorts of things, but I just can't bring myself to ask him why I've never met most of his friends. It sounds so accusatory and pathetic when I say it in my head....... Anybody with a little distance from the sitch have any advice?
edna
Can you just suggest, in a casual, no big deal way, that the two of you spend some time w/ his friends? Like if you two go out w/your friends one night, you could say, 'that was fun; maybe we should do something like that with your friends next week.' See how he responds and take it from there. You might want to wait to bring it up when both of you are feeling pretty good and happy and confident. If it's just a suggestion, it's not accusatory or pathetic; if responds badly, you'll at least know that something's not quite right there.
kungpaoketchup
Thanks, Edna. As it turns out, we probably have plans this weekend with my best girl friend. Maybe I'll try to squeeze a night out with the boys in before the nineteen million weddings I must attend this autumn. Maybe I'll even take him to one of the closer weddings..... ah insecurity...
CuriousKat
My boyfriend and I have been dating for exactly a month today, I have never been with a man who has loved me so much and been so sweet to me. I tell him numerous times that I never want to lose him, that whatever he tells me no matter how embarassing it is for him that I am not going to leave. He has a few select friends that he keeps in touch with, I have met one of them and gone with them once. He hasnt met any of my friends although all of my friends are from high school and know who he is because the graduated with him. We are going to a concert at the end of September and then sleeping in a hotel because its a long drive home.

It was my suggestion to get a hotel room and he is behaving very well and going at my pace and practicing restraint, which means that if he gets excited he doesnt get hard. Sooo, some advice that I need is what do you do with a man that you have been with by that time it will be 2 months, what should we do? I mean we can watch movies and flirt and make-out and also play some fun and dirty games but what if the urge happens, I for one would have no idea where to start. Is it bad that all I can think about is how much I love this guy and how much I want him, oh so want him but I am soooo not ready at all for all the way, not now and not in the near future. So a hotel room with a guy that I have been with for 2 months, what do we do once we get to the room?? Any advice is 100% appreciated, thanks for reading:)smile.gif
jkat
If you really aren't ready to go all the way yet, I would suggest not spending a lot of time in the hotel room. Go for dinner, go for walks, explore the neighbourhood you're in. Make plans to go for breakfast right away in the morning. Activites are limited in hotel rooms, so the more time you spend in there, the more likely you are to are to get into a *difficult* situation. Good luck!
roseviolet
CuriousKat, Before I address your question, I wanted to comment on something you said.

QUOTE(CuriousKat @ Aug 20 2006, 11:51 AM) *

It was my suggestion to get a hotel room and he is behaving very well and going at my pace and practicing restraint, which means that if he gets excited he doesnt get hard.


I am happy to hear that your boyfriend is respecting you and your body. Just try to remember that if his penis does get hard, that does not mean that his respect for you is gone. The hardness of a man's penis is controlled by bloodflow and it can be very difficult, if not absolutely impossible, to control such a biological response. Think back to a time when you were deeply embarassed & your face flushed. It's a similar thing. You probably didn't want your face to turn red & reveal your feelings, but your body did it on its own as a biological response to the situation. So if your boyfriend gets a hard-on, don't punish him for it. And at the same time, don't feel that you have to perform a sexual act just because he is hard. Your choices and your options don't change.

As for the trip, none of us can tell you what you should or should not do. Only you can decide what is right for you at this stage in your life and at this stage in your relationship with this new person. I suggest that you think seriously about what you feel ready to do & create some clear, defined boundaries for yourself before you leave for this trip. Then clearly tell your boyfriend about those boundaries. For instance, don't just tell him that you're ready to go to "third base", because lots of people define those bases differently. Keep the lines of communication open ... just as you've been doing for the last month. And educate yourself! One of my favorite sex-ed websites is Scarleteen.

Stay true to yourself, & you should be fine. Best of luck!
hcbeck
CuriousKat, if it's your boyfriend's first time he might want to take it slowly too. He might like the idea of going all the way but be very nervous about it. It might not feel right for him for a few months more too.

He might be the one to want to avoid spending too much time alone in the hotel room!
CuriousKat
Thanks to everyone for the advice, I would never punish him if he gets hard, the one time it happened he was embarassed. We have discussed the physical part of our relationship many many times, I feel very comfortable that when the time is right we will both know.

He wants to please in every way possible, he is being the "dc" if you will, I forget what that stands for but it means no masturbation at all, so if I am in need of pleasure he will give me all I need and more. Not all guys are like this, he is doing this because he cares about me so much, I love this man, I think I loved him after the first week of dating him.

Now ladies tell me this, what are your thoughts on the difference of loving someone and being "in love" with someone. I didnt tell him that I was in love with him, but I told him that I love him, very very much, he loves me to.

Thanks again for the advice about the hotel room, we are going to a concert in cincy so I am betting that it will be out late, the hotel room is just so we wont have to get home late, we can get a good nights sleep and then head home, he always teases me about "gettin it on", and if I said yes he would say no, because he knows that we both arent ready. He would love to take me here and now, but he would never for fear of losing me.

Please respond anyone who reads this, thanks a bunch again!!:)smile.gif
venetia
Was that a freudian slip or are you married?!
QUOTE
"I think I loved him after the first week of marrying him."
katiebelle2882
hopefully she meant "meeting" and not "marrying" but man Kat dont get too far ahead of yourself here lol. that was cute though. unless you are married, then i am speechless:)


totally off topic (sorta) but i found this article and it makes me want to lose my lunch.


i am crossposting here and in feminist outrage. but since we are all talking about relationships and marriage and dating i figured its apppropriate at least somewhat.


http://www.forbes.com/2006/07/25/cx_mn_sin...mp;boxes=custom
CuriousKat
QUOTE(katiebelle2882 @ Aug 22 2006, 12:53 PM) *

hopefully she meant "meeting" and not "marrying" but man Kat dont get too far ahead of yourself here lol. that was cute though. unless you are married, then i am speechless:)
totally off topic (sorta) but i found this article and it makes me want to lose my lunch.
i am crossposting here and in feminist outrage. but since we are all talking about relationships and marriage and dating i figured its apppropriate at least somewhat.
http://www.forbes.com/2006/07/25/cx_mn_sin...mp;boxes=custom



No no no, I am definitely NOT married, I meant the first week after dating him, we have known each since high school, but just lost touch. I went to homecoming with him my sophomore year of hs. no no no, I feel kind of embarassed huh.gif, I think when I was typing that I meant "meeting" him but I already knew him so what I mean to say was "I think I loved him after the first week of dating him". Do any of you have any advice or responses as far as what I said in my last post? Thanks again:)
venetia
I can't really give any advice because I have always done things the other way round (sex first, then a view to romance later if the sex is good - and I won't date/go out with someone unless I have already fallen in love with them). So I don't really know how you do it your way.

The difference between loving someone and being in love with them is ... well it seems mysterious when you're not in love, but if you fall in love it becomes obvious to you pretty quickly. So it's nothing to worry about.
seethroughdreams
This is basically a complete change of subject--- because I don't know where else to post it (but it is also a repost of a new thread I shouldn't have started. Bad.)

OK. A little background...I was with a guy for 6 years and we broke up in February. Not too long after, I met this other guy, and we were sorta dating, but he really wanted me to 'be with him' as in a serious boyfriend girlfriend relationship. After spending so much time in the previous relationship, I didn't really want to go straight from one into another, and I thought I told him that but I guess I wasn't clear. Anyway, he's a bit intense, telling me he loves me after only about 3 months. (maybe thats normal, I really have no concept)

So now the situation is that he's super into me, and I just don't have the same feelings for him. Not only is this just not right for me right now, it's not fair to him either. I tried to break up with him once before but he seemed so sad I backed out and stayed with him.

The point of this is... What is the least painful/ most respectful way to break up with this guy? I feel like such a jerk.
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