Sep 11 2006, 11:05 AM
It's kinda like a bandaid-do you want to do it slowly, put it back on, rip it off, put it back on....or, do you just do one quick painful tug. Personally, I'd just tell him straight out that you don't share those feelings. He'll be hurt, but he'll manage somehow. Especially considering you already tried once, and that you told him you didn't want to be serious, I'd just do it quick.
3 months isn't too short of a time to say i love you, but it sucks when you don't feel the same!
Sep 11 2006, 12:47 PM
I agree, I think that since you've brought up your feelings before that you should probably just do it all at once now and break up if that's what you want to do...otherwise, dragging it on will probably just hurt more.
Has anyone else seen the new Breaking Up With Shannen Doherty show? She breaks up with people's S.O. when they've tried talking to them before and the person just isn't getting the message or when someone is too scared to break up with someone themselves. I'm kinda into it!
Sep 11 2006, 01:02 PM
Yeah, you guys are right. I just feel so bad. I wish Shannon Doherty wasn't so scary, I could really go for that option right now. Thanks!
Sep 11 2006, 01:27 PM
it's good to feel bad though, that shows you are a nice caring person. even though you aren't in love with this guy, you still care enough about him to not want him to be in pain. so that's sweet. but yeah, it's gonna hurt him, and there's nothing you can do to make it not hurt.
Sep 27 2006, 06:48 AM
Sorry to de-rail the thread, but there doesn't seem to be anywhere else where I can ask this. I just wondered if anyone has any advice for a bi-curious girl looking to meet girls? I live in London, so it's hard to just 'meet' people, but when I look online I mostly just seem to find couples who want a girl to join in or that kind of thing. Just wondered if anyone has had a similar experience or can offer any advice?
Sep 27 2006, 04:50 PM
pointybird, I would have thought that there were TONS of places to "just meet people" in London. Y'all don't have a lesbian bar or two?? Or a queer coffee house? Or something?
seethroughdreams, if you're still around: DUMP THE BOY YESTERDAY! I was in exactly that situation several years ago and didn't have the guts to end it, for various reasons. It only got harder for him with time. And then when you finally DO end it (as those relationships get unsustainable), you end up getting called by the ex sobbing in the middle of the night, get melodramatic emails, don't speak for years, etc. etc. My advice is get out. Now.
Sep 27 2006, 05:36 PM
Going to two concerts back to back this weekend, OMG I CANT WAIT!!! The second on is in Cincy and my bf is coming with me, I asked him to and it was my idea to get a hotel room and he is paying for it since I paid for the tickets...Now we are going to do anything, I dont think we will be able to since my time of the month is drawing near and most likely will hit this weekend
Anyways, should I bring any of my toys and/or dirty games? We will be getting in late and leaving early most likely so we wont be spending too much time in the hotel room but still man just thinking about him and this weekend is getting me very very excited
Plus I havent been in my man's arms for exactly a week, we have seen each other but have cuddled since our 2 month anniversary last Wed.
Does anyone have any advice for a girl who is horny for her man but doesnt want to push things too far, he is more than willing to give me a hand if I need to take care of myself, he isnt allowed to do anything to himself and I dont have enough confidence to do anything to him below the belt yet, in time, but anyways any advice or comments are welcome:) I would be happy to hear what any of you have to say, give me tips, advice, anything, I love talking about this stuff and I love getting advice from people:)
Thanks a bunch in advance!!
Oct 4 2006, 07:26 PM
I just wanted to know what everyone thought of dating someone approx 10 years younger...good idea or bad idea? I am thinking that all depends on what you want out of it....I am 33 and he is 24- and as fun as I think he is....I think it is just setting myself up for failure....thoughts?
Oct 4 2006, 09:11 PM
ha, i just did that! almost the same ages too. it was very, very fun but i never thought it would really go anywhere and now it's done.
funny thing though, a girlfriend of mine just bought a house with her younger lover who she thought she'd never get serious with so there you go...
it depends entirely on the individuals.
Oct 5 2006, 09:12 PM
QUOTE(pepper @ Oct 4 2006, 11:28 PM)
ha, i just did that! almost the same ages too. it was very, very fun but i never thought it would really go anywhere and now it's done.
funny thing though, a girlfriend of mine just bought a house with her younger lover who she thought she'd never get serious with so there you go...
it depends entirely on the individuals.
Thanks for the feedback. I think your are right that it depends on the individuals. that is fun about your friend and her younger lover....keep us posted on how that goes....how long were they together before they decided on going into buying a home together?
by the way pepper- what was the situation with you, with your younger one? why is that done?
Oct 5 2006, 09:32 PM
girlie, that lovely man and i just had no potential to turn into anything serious. we both recognized that straight off so after we'd been hanging out a bit and we started getting a wee bit attached it was time to call it quits.
i'm just too old and wise to get too into something that will have to end.
fun is fun but i ain't lining myself up for no heart break on purpose yo.
Oct 6 2006, 01:45 AM
If you're looking for true love and a serious long term relationship, proceed with caution. If you are looking to just have some fun and see where it leads, a younger man can be, well, lots of fun. When I was in my late 30s, a 23 year old started chasing me, and I let myself get caught, thinking it would just be some fun sex if nothing else.
We were together for 3 years, and there were many wonderful things about the relationship. But the age difference made things difficult. Our needs, values, and goals were in different places, and eventually we had to end it.
Boy was saying 'I love you' on the second date, which made me want to laugh. But he was so sweet, young, and sincere. He is a musician and played late night shows, was hurt that I couldn't always stay up til 2 or 3 or 4 and still stagger into work the next morning. He tried but really didn't understand what it's like to be older and more responsible. He wasn't ready to do things I was doing like buying a house, focusing on my job, etc., but he felt as if he should be, because that's where I was at.
Both of us had many instances of feeling very awkward and out of place with each other's friends. We had some mutual friends, and both of us had close friends who accepted us as a couple, but there were dinner parties with friends of mine that bored him out of his mind. There were drunken rager parties where I was the only person over age 30 and felt bored out of my mind. We both had some friends who were like, "What the hell are you doing with her/him?"
We parted ways for a whole big bunch of reasons, but I am happy to have had that relationship, to have been so close to a sweet man for several years....but there's no way it coulda lasted for us. But we were a full 15 years apart...
You just never know unless you try. And that's true for getting involved w/ guys your own age or older or whatever...depends on the person and where you're at in life and what you want.
Oct 17 2006, 08:12 AM
hey everyone...i've read through a lot of this thread hoping to find a discussion about timing and saying "i love you", but to no avail. so, i'll just go ahead and ask. i've been with my guy for just over 7 months and feel the urge to say "i love you" every day. but, naturally, i'm afraid to put it out there and have it met with "i think you're really special, too" or some shit. i know there's no magic deadline, and that it depends on each individual when they feel comfortable saying it, but i also know that if a year goes by, and it hasn't been said...well that just gets weird. any thoughts on this?
Oct 17 2006, 12:09 PM
Love is a loaded word spaz,..I myself tend to fear it, cuz it seems like using it means the end of courtship and mystery. Maybe instead you can tell him how much you care about him/trust him/feel safe and warm around him,..and see how he reacts to that?
Also, what makes you think he wouldnt reciprocate the L word? Is it cuz of past boyfriends or is it that he doesnt seem in love?
Oct 17 2006, 12:19 PM
any ideas for a good, 3rd date plan?
Oct 17 2006, 01:14 PM
good ideas, greenbean. i've said most of those things, which is why i think i feel the desire to take the "next step". i fear he won't reciprocate because he has expressed to me that he worries we are moving too fast sometimes. but, it does have to do with my past relationships as well...i'm sort of used to things moving fast, and so taking it this slow is really foreign to me, and a little rattling.
Oct 17 2006, 06:18 PM
In my experience, "we're moving too fast" is always, always, always intended to be heard as precisely the warning you are hearing it to be. That isn't to say you shouldn't take Greenbean's advice - it is excellent advice, for feeling your way around without the vulnerability of direct prodding. But "we're moving too fast" generally tends to be the same thing - a way of communicating feelings without poking at the sensitive spots too directly ...
Oct 17 2006, 09:27 PM
in the same vein, this weekend the guy I've been seeing asked me "what my intentions were". He told me that I'm reserved and seem distant, and that I'm hard to read- which is shocking to me, as it really takes all I've got not to blurt out that I think I might already love him.
I've never gotten to this point. I know I have to bring it up next time I see him, because we just kind of left the conversation at that, but I don't know what to do. If I tell him that I want it to be serious, that I'm serious about it, is he going to freak out?! What if he doesn't want what I want? What if his intentions are just to mess around? I don't think that's the case, but it really scares me. Some sage Bustie wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
Oct 18 2006, 11:04 AM
what are your intentions?? LOL
but i totally understand - am about to have a 3rd date with this guy, and i am not really sure where things are going - i mean, we have not even kissed yet - but i met him on eharmony, i'm thinking that being cautious is a good idea - since most of the folks on there seem to want a more serious relationship....i'm not sure how to ask if he's seeing other people...and i'm not sure what to plan for a 3rd date...
Oct 18 2006, 01:04 PM
Ahhh, the 'mating game'. The rules are so fuzzy arent they?
Emtee, 'hard to read' is a good thing in the beginning. Keeps you mysterious. Just let him know you wanna keep seeing him and see where it goes. If you let out too much then, --while he may relax because now he is certain of your feelings,--he will have control. Right now you have control cuz hes on his toes. It sounds manipulating, I know, but I think its more about staying strong and not letting your emotions take over.
Spaz, Maimy is right, he needs time. That isnt such a bad thing,...it took a year before my ex said the L word, and we lasted 3 years after that,..so maybe give him the time he needs and it'll work out.
p176, I dunno,..seeing as you havent kissed yet, maybe things have been too formal? Go for something cozy like making him dinner at your place,..if its a comfortable environment that is.
Oct 18 2006, 02:21 PM
thanks everyone...all such good advice. i think maybe i'm just letting my insecurities get the best of me, and seeking reassurance from him...which isn't necessarily the right place. thanks again!
Oct 18 2006, 06:31 PM
Asking for intent is probably more open - outright probing - than stating emotional reserve. It sounds like an entre' to me, and probably a positive one if you are into him!
Oct 19 2006, 07:46 AM
greenbean - thanks:-) i think part of the reason we have not kissed is because i'm dating a few other guys, and i know that i myself am holding back a little, until i can gauge him a little better. i will say, however, that this guy calls when he says he's going to call, and he definitely seems interested. and i know his idea of a romantic evening is to cook dinner together.... (to make a long story short, one other guy i have gone out with twice, but that's more of a longdistance thing, and this other guy i have gone out with twice, and he's indian, which means it probably won't last - i'm indian also but was raised here, so the cultural differences will kill a LT relationship, at least in my experience).
so we'll see.
i should cross post this in the crush thread:-P
Oct 19 2006, 10:06 AM
thanks, maimy and greenbean. one would think that communication wouldn't be a problem for me- after all, it's how I make my living- but it is. I appreciate the advice and support.
Oct 19 2006, 04:56 PM
Emtee, somehow our means to a paycheck rarely makes us feel so vulnerable ...
Oct 21 2006, 12:57 PM
All the advice and opinions I've got on this subject thus far have been wishy-washy and not helpful. Maybe someone could give me an honest opinion?
I'm a 19 yr old college student and my boyfriend is 29 and long ago left college. We've been dating for 9 months now and while I usually vehemently deny that our age difference is the root of any problems, I can't really deny it anymore.
The largest is that, while I seem to fare well enough with his friends and within his world...it's just about impossible to get him to enter mine. While I love my friends, they very very much act their age, and even though my boyfriend deals well with my brand of 19...it's sad and awkward to see his attempts to relate to them (and even worse to see my friends try to relate to him).
Moreover, he's nervous to meet my parents (even though I've met his) because he feels like they might see him merely as a creepy older dude scamming on their little girl.
So overall, I can't get him into my world, and when you love someone, you want them to be more than just a small section of life...it either doesn't work or he's afraid to...but either way, will this even change? Is he at fault or just our circumstance?
Oct 21 2006, 03:48 PM
I was in a similiar situation at your age. Given that you've been together for 9 months, it sounds like things are good for you two, even if only its when youre alone.
The key is that he is ATTEMPTING to be friendly with your gang, even if they dont really mesh. I resented my ex because he wanted nothing to do with my friends, and I remember being very hurt once when he teased us for going to see a band he thought was lame. At the time I thought he was so cool and I looked up to him, so I didnt speak up when he did this, and I even (I hate to say it) changed my tastes to be more like his. So, if this doesnt sound like your guy, then I think you should put up with the awkwardness, and maybe over time a connection between him and your friends will develop.
The parents thing is tough and he does have good reason to be nervous,..but if hes a good guy and not "creepy older dude", assure him that your parents will be okay with it. I was actually surprised at how will things went when my parents met my ex. I think they actually perfered that he was older.
Lastly, though, I want to say that you are young, and not your fully developed self yet. I dont want that to sound condesending, I just want to tell you that based on my experience, you probably will be a different person in 5 years, and that you may in fact lose interest in this guy. I'm not saying that as a warning, just saying have fun and dont put too much pressure and/or reliance on this relationship.
Oct 22 2006, 04:07 PM
Well, on Friday he told me that the relationship he was in that ended in May took a lot more out of him than he thought, and that he wasn't ready for...what he didn't specify. He then told me that he didn't want to lose my 'companionship'.
We then proceeded to have sex for the first time. What the hell is going on?! I'm rather...confused. I feel like all signs point to being used- but that isn't the feeling I'm getting down deep.
Oct 23 2006, 01:49 AM
Wow, emtee, what a mindfuck! But you know, I've actually been on his side of things before, several times in fact... and although I must admit that one of those times I basically was, unfortunately, using the guy for sex, the other times it was just that I wasn't sure what I wanted. Or rather, I wanted everything. I was confused. Maybe a bit torn between what I wanted and what I thought was "best" for me/him/us. At any rate, I think that regardless of his motives (using you, confusion, whatever), it's probably not really healthy or fair to you to have to deal with all these mixed signals. I'd call the dude out...
Oct 24 2006, 06:59 AM
avette- when i was your age, i dated a guy who was 25 years older. we dated off and on for about 3 years. no one knew except for my closest friends, and they never met him. we tried to make it more serious than it was but knew that it would not work (mainly because of current and potential family drama). it is great that your guy is putting forth the effort! everything else - i agree with greenbean:-)
now, a may-december relationship CAN work. you just have to be willing to deal with external crap and not let it degrade your relationship.
Oct 24 2006, 12:38 PM
hey all- what happened to the mooving on thread? my boyfriend of three years is moving out, and i'm having a meltdown.
he has recently lost his job, the music performance night he was putting together was cancelled by the managers, and now he says he needs to move out so he can get his sh*t together. he's already deeply in debt and has an ex-wife and a son.
i don't know what to do. i feel so stupid for having believed in him- for having believed him when he said he'd be there for me.
he's at home right now, packing.
he says he doesn't want this to mean the end of our relationship- but he says he can't stay and become the man he wants to be, either.
we only moved in together in June- we've been fighting a lot this summer, and it's lessened recently, but he says he feels stuck and needs to move out so he can clear the blocked energy.
i don't want him to go.
Oct 24 2006, 03:28 PM
(((chicken))) i think it got eaten... how strange.
avette, I'm in a similar situation to you - I'm 20, he's 29 - and it can take time. and as greenbean said, he is attempting. that's important. and do your friends know he's uncomfortable and how important it is to you that they try and get on with him? what sort of situations do you socialise with both him and them - is it different to one in which you socialise with his friends? it might help if you can meet with a few friends, casually. but don't force them to like each other. some people just don't gel. you might have to compromise.
yes, meeting the parents is awkward. there were eight years between me and my previous bloke, and while my mum wasn't comfortable, she and him actually got on when she gave him the chance (although to be honest, i think his parents were more worried about the age gap than she was). talk to your parents about him, make them familiar with him - what he does for a job, what you argue about - and they will become used to him being your boyfriend and not an older man. if he's not creepy, they will see that.
and i'd like to second what greenbean said about being young and not putting too much pressure on the relationship. enjoy it, but don't let it run your life. you will change an awful lot while you're in college (cod knows I've changed in the last year alone) and that will change how you see him.
Oct 24 2006, 07:21 PM
The boy just met the parents a few weeks ago due to all my health issues. We have a bit of an age difference as well. I'm 29, and he's 35. The parents love him though. He's going thru a divorce as you all know. It's just taking some time, and I realize this. We just have to take it slow I guess. And now this whole "techinally married" thing... ugh.
I really like this guy, but I also love the idea of both of us having separate lives. I also belive very much in space on both sides.
Just going to have a groovy weekend. Lewis Black is back in town, and my best friend is coming up Sunday afternoon. Yay!
Oct 26 2006, 09:38 PM
hey sassy - sounds like you've got the right idea. what's the "technically married" thing you talked about? maybe i missed it in another thread/this thread...?
alright, so it's a thursday night, and i'm up reading stuff online (sometimes not such a hot idea). i could be paranoid and reading too much into something, but i think that i read something from an ex, and i feel a little scared at the similarities. i'm not sure how to get over someone, although i spent a lot of time this summer crying over this person. we broke up in the spring, and i still think about them sometimes.
i guess i feel like i should be over this person by now. my mind sort of flip-flops, thinking about the ex, and mostly my heart doesn't hurt as much thinking about it, but other times i could probably cry. i don't listen to the music that they introduced me to, because it would remind me of them, and bring up feelings for me that i'd rather avoid.
how do you know when you're over someone? do you believe that after you love someone, you will always love them, even if the relationship didn't work out? like your firsts, your "particular, pivotal moments in your life" relationships?
i've just noticed my heart has become a little more guarded and cautious, and i want to feel connected to it again, for myself. alright, gotta sleep now, since i'm rambling.
Nov 2 2006, 09:20 AM
persimmon, it's okay to love someone you realize with whom you can't have a good relationship. but do you think you're still inlove ?
i will always love my ex and the time in my life we spent together. he was my first love. i tried to throw away, mentally and physically, any evidence of bad memories from our relationship, except the reasons why we broke up.
i think it's okay to have that and still be in love with another person.
Nov 2 2006, 07:55 PM
Nov 3 2006, 07:42 PM
So, my boyfriend cheated on me. It was just a kiss, but it's still really painful to think about. But I've thought a lot about this, and I want to try to put this relationship back together. He seems to be putting together a life for us (getting a job, a car and an apartment), and I believe that he's sincere...for now. My trust in him is understandably a bit shaky at this point. My friends don't really understand why I'm giving him the time of day. The thing is, I knew what was going on. I could feel it when he cheated, and when he was hiding it. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt until I found proof, and then I left. I have spent the last year and a half planning our life together, and I'm a very stubborn person. I'm not giving up on this yet. I can feel the difference between what it was like before (no trust, no support), and what it's like now (he lives and dies for me). I guess I'm just looking for some support for my decision. I mean, I'm no stranger to making unpopular choices, but right now I have NO support for giving him a second chance.
So here's what I want to know. First, has anyone had any experience with a relationship that survived an infidelity? And second, please tell me that my instincts--which were what led me to find out he cheated in the first place--are not suddenly leading me in the wrong direction.
Nov 4 2006, 02:39 PM
Lindsay, I'll support you! I'm a firm believer that cheating does not always call for immediate dismissal of a relationship. Every relationship is different and every circumstance of infidelity is different. I do know couples that have had bouts of infidelity but stay together. I also have been on everyside: been cheated on, been the cheater, and (the worst I feel) once i kissed a guy who was attached. That made me hurt the most because I really cared for the guy and felt it was rotten of me to be so selfish, when I knew he was happy with his SO. He pulled away from the kiss and got really upset and confused about it. I honestly hope he was able to keep his relationship intact, because I know he really did love her and simply slipped up (I'm a harlot! I really did hate myself for a while)....
Anyways,,,,,Its really up to you and what you want. Dont let your friends tell you what you SHOULD do. I'm not saying be a doormat either, but if your boyfriend has proven that he is sorry and both of you agree on what you want the future to hold, then I support your decision.
Nov 5 2006, 11:47 AM
Hello everybody, I'm new here, (first ever post!) and I hope you don't mind me jumping straight in with a request for some advice....
I've been seeing my guy for about six months now. I'm very much into him and he's into me, and we're very happy together. So far so good! My main problem is..... jealousy. Not his - mine.
Before we met, my guy had been fairly promiscuous. I didn't know this when I met him, and it came out when we were discussing relationship history - he'd been split up from his previous long term gf for a year or so, and so wanted to spend a bit of time having some fun, I guess. That seems fair enough to me - I've done the same thing between serious relationships too.
I never used to be jealous, but my previous long term bf turned out to be a rat - our relationship ended badly, with him ultimately leaving me for another girl. I felt so totally betrayed by that, because I'd really thought he was a catch, and that I could trust him, and then it turned out I couldn't.
So I suppose you can guess what my problem is. My new bf, I am sure, is not a cheater. I know this because I have been told by mutual friends that he never cheated on his last gf, and he tells me the same thing, and I believe him. I know he isn't seeing other girls. But somewhere within me, there's the niggling thought that "well, you thought your last bf would never cheat.... but he did". It is not my new bf's fault that my ex-bf was not good to me. I hate to visit the baggage that came from my relationship with my ex-bf on my new bf. But every time bf talks about a female friend, or talks to other women, I have this little niggle of jealousy, and I hate to feel jealous, because I don't think it's fair on either of us.
Thoughts? Advice? Has anyone else ever had this sort of problem before? How did you deal with it? Thanks everyone
Nov 5 2006, 04:20 PM
Persimmon girl, let me explain the "techinically married" part. Apparantly, he thought (as did I) that his divorce was final in June. As it turns out, it is not final until mid Dec. He had know for three weeks. Although, I had a bit of a major health scare, and he could not tell me until a few weeks ago.
Now, he's getting really freaked out by jeolous guys. I explained that one of my guy friends was jeolous of him (or our relationship). He got all defensive. "How many??" (Which I recall telling him that I hang out mostly with men. Could be another reason why he's freaking).
I suspect that his ex maybe cheated on him. Otherwise why would he say such comments like, "I honestly don't care what you did in your past with the exception of the last couple of months." ??? He was referring to sex basically.
This is a brand new relationship, and we're still testing the waters. He has this fucked up logic right now that he is my number one priority. Yet, I have a million things on my mind, besides Mcgeek. I hope that perhaps he cares about me (we've spent the last two weekends together), but he's never actually come out and said it. Actions speak louder than words I think maybe with the boy. And, I'm the talkative one out of the two of us.
I agree with GB on this one Lindsay. I have also been on both sides of the cheating fence. I've never survived a relationship that has involved cheating. Although, I know of couples where they have stayed together.
A few of the problems I'm facing right now with McGeek is trying to maintain honesty without giving away too much, and trying not to take the advice of all my friends (b/c some of them are really not my true friends, and want Mcgeek). Yet, if I try to get a diologue going, he just freezes up.
Sometimes I should just learn to shut the fuck up.
Yet this morning, we had a weird talk about his wedding, and weddings in general... ??? WTF?
Guitarfiend, I know how you feel. I am not the jeolous type at all, but when McGeek even mentions his ex-wife, I just get very angry. It's really fucked up. I know that he still cares for her, and that's fine. I just don't want to hear about her on a constant basis.
As I mentioned in a previous post, space is a good thing. I realized this morning that I have spent the last two weekends with him. I need some breathing room of my own. So, I plan to see him next round Thanksgiving. I have no told him this yet. Yet, I just decided it when I got home (went to go catch a flick with my best friend. Had a blast!). That is, if we're even still together.
((guitarfiend)) ((greenbean)) ((everyone else I'm forgetting))
My apologizes for hogging the thread.
Nov 7 2006, 02:59 PM
lindsay- i think a kiss is forgivable. i do wonder what'll happen when he's done with this "i live and die for you" phase-which probably has a lot to do with his guilt. sadly there's no way you can tell or predict if he'll do it again. but, it's so good that it's out in the open now.
monogamy is a hard thing-i get SO jealous thinking of my boy with someone else, but then i think man, sometimes i feel like it WOULD be fun to make out with someone else. but i know my man would be sooo upset, just like i would be! it's a fine line to walk, i think. not that i have any opportunities or anything.....
i do have a dumb little work crush, which is dumb because he's sooo not cute to me, but he has this charisma that is very attractive. i told my boy though, because i started getting really excited about seeing this guy, and once he came over (to buy weed) and i was realllly way too excited about it and it felt kinda bad to me. so i told my boy, and then the exciting feelings just went away. it was like, something about the secretiveness or something was exciting. then i just felt dumb for having this crush because every woman here feels the same for him, i think-he's just one of those guys.....
Nov 7 2006, 08:50 PM
Thanks, everyone, for the responses and support. I'm feeling a lot better about it now, particularly because I've had a really rough week, and he's been here the whole way, saying what I need to hear and rescuing me when I need him to, without me having to ask. It also makes me feel better to hear that you know people who've survived this situation. Thanks again, everyone.
Nov 22 2006, 10:09 PM
Just call me the threadkiller.
Nov 24 2006, 12:13 AM
Hi, I haven't posted in a while but here goes...I'm 21 and kinda behind in the whole male/female interaction thing and have a history of being pretty naive and doormaty. Anyway, my roommate met a guy at her friend's party who she thinks I would like, and wants to set us up. I'm pretty hesitant since I don't want any grief (which guys have overwhelmingly been for me...and I mean beyond typical guy crap). So anyway, this guy is from Amsterdam, which I think is intriguing, but I don't want to get myself into a dangerous or stupid situation. And I know that Europeans are pretty laid back about sex (generally), so I hope he doesn't think I'm gonna sleep with him...so what do you guys think is the best way to proceed?
Nov 24 2006, 09:12 AM
I'm Dutch and Amsterdam is not that intrguing, really.
Besides, Dutch men are not more laid back about sex than any other men on the planet. Men are usually more laid back about sex than women, in general.
Sadly, stupid insensitive asswipes who only care aboiut sex can be found anywhere. If this wasn't true, I would have moved ages ago. ; - D
So just be careful, with any man, and listen to your gut feeling and say no if you don't want to sleep with him right away, if he is nice, he will understand!
Nov 24 2006, 09:06 PM
angry, if your roommate is the engine behind this whole thing, why not ask her to make it a double date? If she's already seeing someone she can bring him, and if she's not, I'm sure the two of you could figure out a decent guy friend to bring at least on a platonic, casual basis. On a double date, you won't have to worry too much about getting into a dangerous situation. Of course, it can't really prevent you from getting into a "stupid" situation, but at least you'd have someone to make fun of the dude with afterward!!
Oh, also: if you don't want him to make the mistake of thinking he's about to get laid, I think you can convey a lot with the setting. If you go out to dinner, or lunch even, coffee, a movie, etc. and stay out of each other's homes, it'll be pretty clear that there won't be any action that night.
P.S.- I don't know exactly what sort of past bad experiences with men you were alluding to, but you know about the Survivor's Space thread, right? I can bump it if need be.
Nov 30 2006, 12:09 PM
This is the first time in my entire life that I haven't had at least half a dozen people to turn to for advice, so... I'm turning to the internet. I've glanced through a handful of "confessional" sites and "relationship" message boards, but I feel like, perhaps, you BUSTies, might end up giving me the advice closest to what I'd decide on my own if I had a clear, unbiased view of the whole thing.
I will keep this as brief as possible, promise. However, it does cover five years, so... Anyway, here goes:
At age 15, I met a beautiful, amazing girl named Nicole. She was a year older than me, and possibly the single most fascinating person I'd ever met in my life. We broke up a few times over the next two years, but we never stayed apart for long. I attributed the uncertain nature of our relationship to youth. We were trying to find ourselves, trying to figure out our lives.
On my 18th birthday, we went to get my nose pierced and sign the lease on our apartment. Nicole didn't have a job, didn't have a car, but I had a stable position as the office manager for a warehouse shipping company and a reliable car. I could easily support us. Eventually, Nicole became a little stir crazy and called old friends. She moved out from our little apartment and in with a boy she'd met through her friends. The two seemed happy enough together. Shortly after that, I moved out of our apartment and back in with my parents, deciding to fulfill a childhood dream of living in New York City. In December, after a few months of living back home to save money, Nicole and I reunited. We had dinner a few times and shared a few kisses, but when New Years came, she disappeared to New Orleans with her boyfriend. When they returned, they were engaged. I was determined, once and for all, to get out of Texas.
So, I did.
Months passed and I formed a shallow, safe bond with a sweet Pagan boy who adores me. He's not very bright, but he's pleasant. I don't love him, and I doubt I ever could --- not a passionate kind of love. We make excellent friends. He's incredibly compliant and submissive. He will NOT argue with me, and there's nothing I can do to provoke him. I know it might seem like a strange complaint, but sometimes, you need to argue with someone. It would be nice if everytime we didn't agree, he didn't automatically roll over and give in!
I had decided that perhaps this boy and I could make things work. He proposed, and shortly after that, I found out I'm pregnant. He agreed to leave the Northeast and move back to Texas with me. (I've discovered since moving here, I don't really like it as much as I thought. I'd much prefer to visit now and then!) We had it all mapped out.
Then, Nicole called. We've been friendly since I moved to New York, and I thought that, as hard as it might be to be "just friends", it was still good to have her in my life. It's been five years since I first fell in love with her; it would be incredibly hard if she just wasn't apart of my life anymore.
She told me that she cried for two hours when a friend told her I was pregnant. She told me that she'd been planning on leaving her boyfriend and getting back together with me for good when she'd found out that I was getting ready to leave Texas. Knowing how much I wanted to go, she didn't want to make me feel obligated to stay, so she decided not to tell me. A quick survey of a few mutual friends reveals that she's been writing about this on her myspace preferred list blog for seven months now.
So, there you go, BUSTies.
Do I marry the man I'll probably never love for the security that it offers? Or do I face being a single parent to save the poor boy from a loveless lifetime with me? This isn't about me being completely selfish. It really isn't. A big part of this is the fact that if I choose to stay with Jeff (the boy), I'm going to be dragging him two thousand miles from everything he's ever known (he was born and raised in CT). That isn't fair to him. It also isn't fair to the baby to enter into a marriage I know will probably end in just a few years. I'm the product of a young marriage AND a young divorce. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, let alone my own child.
I have no expectations of my relationship with Nicole. I'm by no means saying that I think I'm going to move back to Texas, three months pregnant, and expect to live happily ever after with her. If I move to Texas without Jeff, there is the chance Nicole and I will fix things and finally be happy together. There's also the chance we won't. I don't know... it's too confusing, and this post is WAAAY too long already. Suffice to say, I know there are a thousand different ways things could turn out, no matter what I choose.
Neither option is perfect, and that's why I'm having such a hard time deciding. Any advice would be forever appreciated.
Nov 30 2006, 05:09 PM
you know what Crashedyellow? i'm only going to tell you one simple thing.
You Already Have Your Answer.
really, i think that you do. imagine your life without one. now imagine your life without the other. how do you feel, be honest? go with it.
Dec 1 2006, 10:55 AM
crashedyellow, you have more than just those 2 options, neither of which seems will make you happy overall. try considering some alternatives.
Dec 1 2006, 01:15 PM
doesn't seem fair at all to even consider marrying a guy you don't love, just for the security.
do you want a child? now? at this time? will you have it/keep it?
did you say yes to his proposal? if so, why?
what it sounds like, is that you want tomove back to texas and have the freedom to see if things will work out with nicole. and you can't do that if you are married to this guy. my advice-break up with the guy. it's just not fair to him at all.
this post probably sounds harsh, but i just think it's really cruel to lead this guy on, knowing that you don't love him.