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greenbean
hey all,..its that time again: I need some dating advice. I started dating this one guy a couple weeks ago, and we're getting along great. Hes a super decent guy/treats me with loads of respect, and seems into starting a serious relationship with me. This feels really nice after going through a string of guys that are all 'too cool'. The problem is, this guy makes a lot of comments about how hes feels I'm out of his league. Hes short/my height and is real hairy and hasn't had a lot of girlfriends..but I think his qualities override all that. So basically, i wish he would be more confident so i wouldnt have to reassure him that i dont mind that stuff. i mean, I'm flat chested and i used to apologize to guys about it, but then I realized how unsexy that was.

Soo, is there anything I can do here? or should I just wait for him to get more comfortable with me? its still under a month,..but if he keeps it up, thats gonna convince me that hes unattractive, even though that was not my original reaction to his looks. go figure.
ribstealingeve
I haven't read anything on this thread yet, and I've only just joined this forum. *waves* Thats right I be a newbie. And I'm here because.. I need advice.

I don't know whether to start from the very beginning ("I was born and raised in the good ol' U.S of A") or from the moment I met him... I'll just rant and hope ya'll can string the events together and tell me if I'm over reacting or..*sigh* I feel so helpless right now.

Okay so this is obviously about a guy, one of my best friends in fact. It all started when he broke up with his underage girlfriend. She broke his heart and he cried for weeks on end, on my shoulder in fact, on some other gurl's shoulder too, but she comes later.

You see we, the guy and I, oh heck lets give him a name... Michael.. yeah. we belong to a group of friends consisting of myself, himself, Jason and Connor.. *cough* not made up at all. We've been friends for forever and never have I seen Michael as anything other than a friend. He was always that guy the quiet one, until he broke up with his lil girlfriend.

At first when I realized my feelings for him I was wary, angry, confused... I'm a lesbian, I don't like guys, isn't that how it's supposed to work? This was just uncalled for and unwanted and I desperately want in. So like an idiot I told him how I liked him and I couldn't hide and that I didn't expect anything from him I just wanted him to know. He replies "I like you too, I even liked you two years ago but I was too scared to tell you..." blah blah blah *i digress* "But I don't want a relationship with you because I'm just so hurt" and mind you this was 2 months after his lil breakup.

days pass (He's still speaking to the girl who broke his heart)
weeks pass (Still talking to her, she's his precious alarm clock)
and these days and weeks become filled with hot passionate flirting
months and I get irritable and ask him if he's over her yet and he's all weird, bringing up more excuses.. making me feel little and inadequate (and why is he still speaking to her) He tells me to wait that he'll get over her and he'll love me forever or whatever and like an idiot I believe him and i "wait"

During the next months he makes out with some girl and tells my other friends not to tell me cause "it would hurt" me.. I for one did not care what he did because we weren't in a relationship.. i was not his gf.. the fact that he felt the need to hide that from me.. his friend first, pseudo-lover last, hurt a bit

anyway finally I got frustrated because i refused to play the fool. So many things were wrong with the situation. He still spoke to his ex-gf and even though he never said it out right, he had this hope that she'd come back to him. So I asked him "When you get over her, will you still like me" and he replies "I don't know because I'm not a fortune teller" It hurt me so much. I felt embarrassed and little *again*

So I get over him, stop talking to him for over a week and it really put a strain on our group. I had to right a poem and confront him about his stupidity before he even realized that i was angry with him.. and that he hurt me.

Its been two weeks after our faux breakup and he's already playing with another girl, right in front of me too and it hurts because he actually wants to go out with her, he can't stop talking about her. My other friends don't understand why his pursuit of a relationship with the new girl angers me. they are all on "his side." I fell so lost and hopeless seeing him smiling and laughing with her. i've moved on, but I can't stop thinking about him. I really really don't want him, but I want his love i guess and it angers me that he's giving it to some random chick when he promised to give it to me.

yup I need advice.. on whatever this is
kittenb
greenbean - speaking as someone who needs a lot of assurance that I am pretty enough for my boyfriend, go easy on the guy. Those of us with shaky self-esteem don't mean to be annoying, it is just sometimes we are. As I told my guy, "You are dating someone who was once told, 'I date you despite the way you look.' I'm sorry that you have to make up for that idiot but sometimes you will." You can tell him how confidence is sexy and you think he is just right for you. I am dating someone who is exactly my height and I find that really attractive. It wasn't what I was looking for but there is a lot to be said for it. And it has only been a month. Give him time to get over whatever person he used to date or whatever voices he is hearing in his head that tells him he is unattractive.

ribstealingeve (love the screenname) - I am sorry to be blunt but it sounds like the guy is using you. He doesn't seem to want you the way that you want him but he doesn't want you to get over him. Fuck that, you deserve better and if was really your friend he would want you to be happy instead of using you to boost his own ego. Good luck.
edie52
Greenbean, I am also someone who can be insecure and I completely agree with kitten. Just tell him most of what you wrote in your post. The best thing my boyfriend has done for me is reassure me that I'm pretty/interesting/fabulous, and also saying stuff like "I wish you would be more confident; confidence is sexy." Now I still feel insecure sometimes but I try not to take it out on him. I realize that it kind of insults him and his taste and his choices if I say "I'm unattractive" or "I'm not good enough."

I had another boyfriend who this was a huge problem with; he'd also reassure me but it was more like a hurried "you look fine, geez, what's wrong with you?" Sometimes I'd end up feeling guilty for worrying about such petty things after him reminding me that there are people with way worse problems. Obviously this was not effective, I stayed insecure and he ended up leaving me, and I was sure it was because he was "too good for me" I realize now a lot of it was my crippling lack of confidence. He wanted me back 2 years later, when I was finally happy, and I said no.
ribstealingeve
QUOTE(kittenb @ Jun 2 2008, 08:37 AM) *
greenbean - speaking as someone who needs a lot of assurance that I am pretty enough for my boyfriend, go easy on the guy. Those of us with shaky self-esteem don't mean to be annoying, it is just sometimes we are. As I told my guy, "You are dating someone who was once told, 'I date you despite the way you look.' I'm sorry that you have to make up for that idiot but sometimes you will." You can tell him how confidence is sexy and you think he is just right for you. I am dating someone who is exactly my height and I find that really attractive. It wasn't what I was looking for but there is a lot to be said for it. And it has only been a month. Give him time to get over whatever person he used to date or whatever voices he is hearing in his head that tells him he is unattractive.

ribstealingeve (love the screenname) - I am sorry to be blunt but it sounds like the guy is using you. He doesn't seem to want you the way that you want him but he doesn't want you to get over him. Fuck that, you deserve better and if was really your friend he would want you to be happy instead of using you to boost his own ego. Good luck.


thanks, and trust me when I say i know. I just wanted to *sigh* release this foolishness *smiles softly* thanks for reading and replying, it made my day
greenbean
Thanks guys...I am rootin' for him!!
starpiste
I need some advice please. I was supposed to go for coffee on Sunday with a guy I met online. We've been talking for about 2 weeks and I was content doing coffee before we were talking for to long. We mutually cancelled and the next evening I had free was Saturday. He said we should go for dinner and now I'm crazy worried.

Dinner is so much more pressure than coffee. He also said he is "eager" to meet me, which has me stressed. And in his last message said something about me being blunt in a good way and his past girlfriends being older than him. I'm so on edge about the whole thing I can't even look at the message to reread it. I also noticed that he doesn't have a height listed in his profile and I'm preoccupied with the idea that this means he's really short. And there's hints in his profile that he leans towards submissive side sexually, which would not be compatible with me.

On top of this, I'm dealing with some mental health issues (obvious?) and don't know if I should even be dating right now and the only reason I was looking online was a denile lead up to a big emotional crash. ugh. How to proceed?
geekchickknits
QUOTE(starpiste @ Jun 11 2008, 01:48 AM) *
We mutually cancelled and the next evening I had free was Saturday. He said we should go for dinner and now I'm crazy worried.

Dinner is so much more pressure than coffee. He also said he is "eager" to meet me, which has me stressed.


starpiste, there's nothing to say that you can't meet for coffee on a Saturday night. If you feel coffee isn't nighttime appropriate, meet for drinks. If you meet earlier in the evening, you can extend the date if you want to, or make plans for a second date and have plans to meet up with friends, in case the evening's a bust. Just say that you'd rather keep your first meeting exactly that - a first meeting - something light, just to see if there is F2F chemistry, and then if you both feel it, he can take you out for dinner another time.

And he should be eager to meet you - you're awesome.
starship
Starpiste- If it was me Id message him saying that as its the first time youre meeting youd like to just go for a coffee first and if things go well perhaps dinner some other time. You havent been talking for that long and dont seem to know him all that well so I think its a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. You dont know whats going to happen so I wouldnt worry yourself over sexual compatibility etc just yet. If it's stressing you out that much still then perhaps its better to postpone the whole thing a little longer? If he's anyone worth meeting he'd understand

ribstealingeve- I agree, move on to someone better and more deserving and dont give him the satisfaction of your anger or anything else. And dont let him come running back to you if things dont work out with this current girl- youll just get hurt again. Good luck:)

Im confused in my own relationship. There's been a rocky patch recently and some people have been saying things to me (in a nice way, i think:/) about him using me and not being genuine etc. They dont know him personally so its just from what they know about the relationship rather than him individually. I already had doubts in my head due to things that have happened recently about whether im just being taken for a fool. Im the sort of person that when someone puts an idea into my head i find it hard to get it out and end up confused over whether they actually had a good point or whether im just too easily convinced:/. How far would you guys trust an outsider's opinion on your relationship? On the one hand they dont know exactly whats gone on or how things are between the 2of you; but on the other hand sometimes it takes an outsider to point out the obvious or see something you dont want to see yourself.
I havent typed out all the exact details because I think opinions on exact events/situations would probably confuse me even more right now
geekchickknits
QUOTE(starship @ Jun 11 2008, 10:36 AM) *
Im confused in my own relationship. There's been a rocky patch recently and some people have been saying things to me (in a nice way, i think:/) about him using me and not being genuine etc. They dont know him personally so its just from what they know about the relationship rather than him individually. I already had doubts in my head due to things that have happened recently about whether im just being taken for a fool. Im the sort of person that when someone puts an idea into my head i find it hard to get it out and end up confused over whether they actually had a good point or whether im just too easily convinced:/. How far would you guys trust an outsider's opinion on your relationship? On the one hand they dont know exactly whats gone on or how things are between the 2of you; but on the other hand sometimes it takes an outsider to point out the obvious or see something you dont want to see yourself.
I havent typed out all the exact details because I think opinions on exact events/situations would probably confuse me even more right now


Starship - Sometimes when you're in something you can't see it for what it actually is. If these "outsiders" are your friends and people you trust, they likely have your best interests at heart. In my own experience, in a past relationship, my best friend would say things about my partner and my relationship that I didn't want to hear - ultimately she was right, but I had to discover it for myself, and there ended up being a few casualties: my best friend and I ended up putting our friendship on hiatus (we're thick as thieves again now), and when my partner and I finally broke up, although I wanted to be friends with him, I just couldn't.

Take it for what it's worth.
starpiste
Thanks you guys. I ended up asking him how tall he was which was well received and calmed me down a lot. I also emphasized casual dinner and he seems to have gotten my hesitation. All in all I'm feeling way more relaxed about it.
dani1983
Wow, I missed being here!
Busties, I need your help/advice.
I like this much older guy (I'm 24, he's 45) but not like-like, I just want to hook up with him, and he deeefinitely wants to hook up with me. He sends me dirty emails and everything and we got together this past wednesday but I didn't want to do anything cause I got shy. Now, I'm definitely not of the shy kind, but he intimidates me cause he's so old and yet so hot! So, my question is, what does a 45 year old man searches for on a girl when having sex with her? Like, do they want a super-freak on the sack or they just want "someone to have sex with, period"?? halp!
stargazer
dani, you might get more of a response if you ask this question in the general sex thread.
auralpoison
Starpiste, if all else fails take a deep breath & repeat after me, "He is just a boy. He is just a boy. He is just a boy." He's the one that should feel nervous about your hotness.

And yeah, you'll get more info in the GenSex than here, Dani. That being said, all guys are different. I wasn't sure how my own old man would take to my being a total freak in the sack, but he's been rolling with me for two years now. And he digs it because he digs *me*. Just be you. If you're a freak, be a freak. If you're conservative, be conservative. The sex is for your pleasure, too y'know, so get down with what you're comfortable with.
treehugger
heh....

So, I'm 40 years old, and dani...what a 45 year old guy wants in bed is basically the same thing as a 25 year old guy wants...he's just going to most likely be more patient in getting it. Just be yourself, Dani. He's not going to expect a total "freak" in bed unless that's what you've led him to believe. He's going to not be as quick to ejaculate. Which is typically a good thing.

But, apples to oranges, I'm saying generalities, your guy may not fit in the mold.

I'd definitely hit him up for oral sex...lots of it...usually by the time a guy's reached 40 he's figured out how to manipulate a clitoris...although there ARE some slow learners out there.
dani1983
That makes a lot of sense, sorry for posting it in the wrong place! lots of thanks to all the ladies that answered!

treehuger: yes, its good when a guy takes a longer time to ejaculate....as long as he's good in bed! if hes bad I'm like "ok please finish now so we can get this over with" haha!
doxy
Dani, I'm 35, and all he wants to do is eat you out, lick and suck on the rest of your body, and then have sex. What do you want, it the question. (I'm a bloke, by the way) He want's to see what you're up for. He's already done it, he is interested in helping you find out what you have any questions about. it's the best part of sex, when someone is "able" to ask questions. When I was young I met older ladies and they informed me, non-seniority-wise, follow?
Now the tables are turned, and I'm answering their questions...and gladly;)
Seriously, have your way with him. Tell him you've never been properly eaten out...have fun.
nmbr1stncldfan
Ok I'm a newbie. But I need some serious advice. Let me explain the situation. I was in the army for 8 years got out in 2005, I joined in 1996. Well before I joined I had this girl, we fell in love then I shipped off and we lost touch. Then in 2004 before I left for Iraq we came back together though years had went by the feelings were just as stong as before. but yet just like before, before I knew it I was gone off to the war. Well then she pops back into my life after 3 years and turns out shes Bi. Well we spent time together and seen the feelings are even stronger than the ever have been, the spark and the connection is stronger than ever. So what I need is how do I go about this? She wants an open relationship so when she wants a woman she can have that. I'm cool with that as long as she is up front about it, she said she would be. The thing is I'm madly in love with her, she knows it. But this is new ground for me and I don't know how to go about it. So can anyone give me some advice....
deschatsrouge
One of my friends had a similar thing happening to him sans the going off to war thing (thanks by the way for serving our country.) His grrl wanted an open relationship too. So here's what he did, and it worked because she is now married to him and they just had their first. He talked to her openly about it. and she told him what she wanted and he told her what he wanted. He was afraid she's leave him for a woman, which is a reality (don't think for a minute that she's going to let you watch either.) she was afraid of being tied down and bored. Communication is the best thing, before either of you go out and bump uglys with anyone else talk about it, set some ground rules and boundaries. Remember this, a woman can steal your girlfriend.

Is there any Busties out there who swing?
nmbr1stncldfan
QUOTE(deschatsrouge @ Jun 20 2008, 11:48 PM) *
One of my friends had a similar thing happening to him sans the going off to war thing (thanks by the way for serving our country.) His grrl wanted an open relationship too. So here's what he did, and it worked because she is now married to him and they just had their first. He talked to her openly about it. and she told him what she wanted and he told her what she wanted. He was afraid she's leave him for a woman, which is a reality (don't think for a minute that she's going to let you watch either.) she was afraid of being tied down and bored. Communication is the best thing, before either of you go out and bump uglys with anyone else talk about it, set some ground rules and boundaries. Remember this, a woman can steal your girlfriend.

Is there any Busties out there who swing?



Thanks for the help. I pray things workout this is a really special woman I all I wanna do is make her happy.
tankgirl
I have been in an open relationship and am bisexual as well so maybe I can be of some help here. My relationship ended up lasting 8 years and we were both into seeing other people as long as we were honest about it, mainly because I met him when I was so young and hadn't experienced all the women I wanted to yet. The key to a relationship like this is open and honest communication. Maybe even use her outside experiences to kick things off between you and her in the bedroom. Some girls might find this offensive, but I sorta think it's sexy so tread lighly on this issue.

Right now in I am in a LTR (with someone else) and we have the type of relationship where we can share someone else, but not go off and do our own thing with them. This works as well, for THIS relationship, because we understand that we are in love, and sex is just sex.
nmbr1stncldfan
QUOTE(tankgirl @ Jun 22 2008, 02:23 PM) *
I have been in an open relationship and am bisexual as well so maybe I can be of some help here. My relationship ended up lasting 8 years and we were both into seeing other people as long as we were honest about it, mainly because I met him when I was so young and hadn't experienced all the women I wanted to yet. The key to a relationship like this is open and honest communication. Maybe even use her outside experiences to kick things off between you and her in the bedroom. Some girls might find this offensive, but I sorta think it's sexy so tread lighly on this issue.

Right now in I am in a LTR (with someone else) and we have the type of relationship where we can share someone else, but not go off and do our own thing with them. This works as well, for THIS relationship, because we understand that we are in love, and sex is just sex.



For me its not about sex, I have been in love with her for over 10 years now just timing has never been on our side. She has the need for woman, which is cool with me, not that I want another woman cause I don't I just want her. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. If she gets a woman she wants me to be envolved or just be there when it happens thats cool. My thing is I just want her to be honest about it. She has said she would be, I just don't know what to expect, cause I have never dated a Bi woman before, or at least I don't know if I did. I never expected for her to come back into my life and the feeling that we shared to be just as strong now as the were back then. So I'm just kind of scared, of gettin hurt.
mornington
*sticks head in*

nmbr1stncldfan, imnsho, but... I think the important thing is to stop thinking of her as "bi". It's just a label, she's still the woman you want to be with, and frankly it doesn't make her any different from anyone else on the planet (think of it as this: gender is not necessarily relevant for two people to fall in love, or even want to have sex). Being scared of getting hurt is natural, especially when you feel so strongly so unexpectedly - that you're asking for advice and willing to talk about it with her is fantastic. Every relationship carries the risk of getting hurt, but I think as long as you're willing to talk honestly with her, not just about the rules but about how you both feel, then you're doing well. The only way you're going to get along is to talk as much as possible, be truthful about how you feel, and see how it goes.
tankgirl
I was just assuming it WAS about sex for her. If she wants to be with a woman in a relationship, then that's a whole different story. The things I suggested for you involve sex, yes, but they will also make communication more open so you can be a little more at ease with what is going on if you agree to have an open relationship. Make sence, or am I going down the wrong track?
auralpoison
Have you guys established any ground rules or boundaries, Nmbr1? Cos you're gonna need them if this is going to work. Is it going to be just sex, will be a different relationship, will you ever become involved, etc, etc, etc. Ya'll have a lot to talk about.
nmbr1stncldfan
QUOTE(mornington @ Jun 23 2008, 09:23 AM) *
*sticks head in*

nmbr1stncldfan, imnsho, but... I think the important thing is to stop thinking of her as "bi". It's just a label, she's still the woman you want to be with, and frankly it doesn't make her any different from anyone else on the planet (think of it as this: gender is not necessarily relevant for two people to fall in love, or even want to have sex). Being scared of getting hurt is natural, especially when you feel so strongly so unexpectedly - that you're asking for advice and willing to talk about it with her is fantastic. Every relationship carries the risk of getting hurt, but I think as long as you're willing to talk honestly with her, not just about the rules but about how you both feel, then you're doing well. The only way you're going to get along is to talk as much as possible, be truthful about how you feel, and see how it goes.



thanks that helps alot....
nmbr1stncldfan
QUOTE(tankgirl @ Jun 23 2008, 03:16 PM) *
I was just assuming it WAS about sex for her. If she wants to be with a woman in a relationship, then that's a whole different story. The things I suggested for you involve sex, yes, but they will also make communication more open so you can be a little more at ease with what is going on if you agree to have an open relationship. Make sence, or am I going down the wrong track?



Yeah that makes sense, and I am always open for suggestions about anything...
nmbr1stncldfan
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jun 23 2008, 03:27 PM) *
Have you guys established any ground rules or boundaries, Nmbr1? Cos you're gonna need them if this is going to work. Is it going to be just sex, will be a different relationship, will you ever become involved, etc, etc, etc. Ya'll have a lot to talk about.



We havent gotten to in depth with the rules of engagement, we are taking it very very slow. It was just something she had talked to me about. As far with us we are planning on it to be a fullout relationship. As far as gettin envolved we talked about it, its more of a thing I'm taking it as we go. I'm sure once we make it offical we will talk about he rules.
auralpoison
I understand that the two of you are going to be "official". If you aren't "official" *NOW* then you don't need to be stressing over this. I was dating HB for months before we decided to be bona fide & I hooked up with two guys during that time period. Seriously. Don't stress. When/if you reach that bridge, you will need to discuss boundaries & expectations to the fullest depth or else you're both gonna be stung when things fall apart. Because without GOOD communication, trust me on this, there will be flaming wreckage on both ends.
starship
My gut feeling (and everybody elses) was right. I got my heartbroken in the most horrible way by the person who i thought would never do that. The past few months, and the last week in particular, were painful and hard but now im actually looking forward to a life without him. I knew deep down he wasn't a nice person so in a way i feel relieved that it's finally happened. Thanks for all your advice xx
geekchickknits
QUOTE(starship @ Jul 1 2008, 08:38 PM) *
My gut feeling (and everybody elses) was right. I got my heartbroken in the most horrible way by the person who i thought would never do that. The past few months, and the last week in particular, were painful and hard but now im actually looking forward to a life without him. I knew deep down he wasn't a nice person so in a way i feel relieved that it's finally happened. Thanks for all your advice xx


I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out but it sounds like it's for the best. I hope getting over him will be less painful than the break up.
Moonpieluv
starship.. damn I'm sorry and know that we (busties) are thinkin of ya. Suffice to say, we have all been there... though that doesn't make it any easier. I wish you all the best for YOURSELF. cause that's a great thing to have... you deserve. you deserve it and all of it.

On my current sob story after a few beers, I feel like I've been duped. like a string of my favorite cheese was dangled before my eyes.. and once snapped in the "trap".... all that cheese seemed to offer, was not based in reality. a farce, so to speak. A facade of personality....a man who told you one thing... then (see below)

Anyone dealt with a guy who is perpetually on the computer?

from wake to sleep, except for bodily needs (grrr...other than sex?) and --- it's a been a week.. and if you need explanation, please refer to the sex thread ( Sex and ltr, and masturbation).

I think I made a big boo boo. I likey the computer. I don't mind computer games.... but....

excessive much? I mean... sheesh. gosh. poop on a stick. it is morning to night with said breaks. a wee kiss for me on his "breaks" is what I get. AND I must love on him whilst him sitting on the computer. commonplace. sigh... busties.

love, moonie
slightly buzzed and obviously needing affirmation or support. sad.gif
girltrouble
would it help to tell him that you want to go on a date with him moony? ween him off the puter, go see a movie then get a drink or something?

((((((moonie)))))
((((((starship)))))
natulik
hi all, I haven't written on here for ages - used to occasionally post a couple of years ago, then somehow vanished....anyhow, I'm back, and would love some outside advice/guidance.

So i've been with C. for a year and a half. When I got into the relationship with C. , I didn't want anything serious, but it progressed, and I got caught up, and we moved in together this May when I finished school. I agreed to stay here in Montreal, because his family is there, his job is there, and he does not want to move anywhere else.

While spending a month away at my parents', I heard back from this total long-shot position that I applied for ages ago, in Banff., working at the Art Center here. They offered me to stay till the end of summer. He took it badly (doesn't like long-distance), but eventually was okay with it. The problem is that now they are offering me to stay here, until the end of March, working in a position I'd never think possible, as an assistant curator at the gallery. With an Art History major, and no master's degree, and no fluency in French, this would be impossible in Montreal. It's an actual job in the field, with amazing references for grad school, in an incredible place.

So now the question is - what do I do with C.? Do I take the job? I do love him, but I find it hard to imagine giving up such a career opportunity for him, considering we're both young and I don't want to regret it later on. (I"m 23, he's 25) On the other hand, he is an amazing person, and it breaks my heart to hurt him. And yet, I realize that all the things I want to do with my life (travel, work abroad, etc.) are impossible if I choose to stay in Montreal with him. He hates the idea of me going away for long, he doesn't want to move, basically wants a "normal" life with a house and a stable job, which (having a degree in Art History), is something that's very hard for me to imagine in Montreal for myself. He can't understand that because he has an engineering degree and a stable job right out of university.

Anyways, this is already too long, so what should I do? It's an extremely weighty decision, and my mind just goes blank every time I start thinking about it all. So pwease? help? advice?

-Natulik
purplestain
From your post it sounds like you've already made the decision but don't want to admit it to yourself. Your expectations at the beginning of the relationship were different (he wants a more serious relationship, you're not looking for that per se; he wants to stay in Montreal, you want to travel) and they're still different. Even though you love him, would staying in Montreal just make you restless and/or dissatisfied?

Very tough decision - many sympathies.
tankgirl
If I were you, I'd take the job. It sounds like it would make you happy, and I know how hard it is to get a job like that, and if you wait, you may never have the same opportunity, at least that easily. If he really loves you, he would respect your decision because it will make you happy. I know you will miss him, but your happiness should come first. If love will concour, it will in time.
roseviolet
Take the job. It sounds like you've worked hard & you really want to have a career in this field, but it's impossible for you to do that in Montreal (or at least it is with your current qualifications). So take the job. And keep in mind that if there comes a point when you'd rather be with C than have this job, then you can quit and move back. There are always options to be found. The great news is that this job will give you experience in your chosen field. This should make it much easier for you to get a job in Montreal or elsewhere. Or perhaps C will realize that nowadays most people don't stay in the same city forever & he'll find a job opportunity near you. Who knows. Whatever the case, it's clear that it's important for you to have a career so you need to take this opportunity.

Note that C is not going to be thrilled. Most people in their right mind are not thrilled with the prospect of being in a long-distance relationship. That's normal. However, it can work. It takes effort and time and plenty of open communication, but it can work. I would urge you not to get angry with him if he seems sad that you're leaving, but if he's a good guy he will find it in his heart to be supportive & proud of you for landing such a great position.

Good luck!
natulik
Thank you all for the support! I guess I needed to hear that I'm not being a selfish brat for wanting to take the job.

I agreed to it today, signing the contract tomorrow... still haven't told C. about it, but will do tonight. My future boss was extremely happy about it, and so are the rest of the people I'll be working with. It feels right, and I'm excited, despite the rest of the uncertainty.

As to the relationship future, I'll give him the choice of whether we should end it, or try to do the long-distance thing. He really doesn't agree with long-distance generally, and is quite judgmental towards people who are in them, saying things like "you're not with the person, you're with an illusion of them if they're not close". Which I think is nonsense, considering that I was in a long-distance relationship for 5 years before, and it was as real as it gets (he was bipolar/psychotic, kinda screwed me over mentally for a bit, but that's another story, what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger).

Either way, the reality is that I'm unlikely to stay in one place for long. If I'm to have a long-term serious relationship, it would have to be with somebody who is supportive of my "nomadism" (is that a word??), which is hard to find. People can surprise, and maybe C. can find it within him to be supportive and happy for me, and then I'll put all the effort into it that I can. If not, well, this too shall pass.


geekchickknits
bump for Girl, Frustrated
auralpoison
Girl, frustrated (Let me guess, you have BV, right?), my partner is nearly twenty years my senior, 52 next month. It can get a bit . . . weird sometimes, but it doesn't bother me. When dining we often get asked, "Separate cheques?" Because, of course, my young hot blackness couldn't possibly be doing the white guy with the distinguished grey. People think we're coworkers or on very rare occasion that he's my dad or something. Personally, I find people's ignorance amusing. The one & only time things ever got ugly was at a wedding. There were a lot of late forties/early fifties wimmins that gave me the stink eye 'cause I had the most eligible male there on my arm. Fuck 'em.
persimmon_grrrl
hello again -

woah, temporary lapse of my sanity. i'm totally not into this person. case closed!

Girl, frustrated
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jul 11 2008, 10:24 PM) *
Girl, frustrated (Let me guess, you have BV, right?), my partner is nearly twenty years my senior, 52 next month. It can get a bit . . . weird sometimes, but it doesn't bother me. When dining we often get asked, "Separate cheques?" Because, of course, my young hot blackness couldn't possibly be doing the white guy with the distinguished grey. People think we're coworkers or on very rare occasion that he's my dad or something. Personally, I find people's ignorance amusing. The one & only time things ever got ugly was at a wedding. There were a lot of late forties/early fifties wimmins that gave me the stink eye 'cause I had the most eligible male there on my arm. Fuck 'em.



yes, thanks for the response. i do have BV...still dealing with that!

re: the relationship, i definitely notice people staring at us when we dine out. we haven't done anything like a wedding yet...but i suspect that could be tricky....lots of drinking...lots of his older friends around...and their wives...yikes.
auralpoison
It was your handle. You poor dolls often pick names that reflect your outrage at the BV. ~~~~~curing BV vibes~~~~~

Oh, his friends & their wives loved me. I kept looking at him like, "Tell me to shut up at any time", but he didn't & I had them all eating from my palm. Ignore the haters.
persimmon_grrrl
((bv healing vibes))

this question may sound precious, but go i will:

how do you know if you can trust someone, and love someone? if your body is unsure, but you are just thinking about someone, does that make it a mental addiction rather than anything emotionally and life meaningful (does that make sense?)?

how do people with very different communication and emotional styles get along? perhaps it's just not known. just thinking aloud...
starpiste
persimmon, I don't really get the second part of the question.

As for the first, for the most part I assume that I can trust someone if they haven't given me a reason not to. For me it's a pretty rational and intellectual thing. But love is something different entirely. It's must more emotional and unexplainable. I think it's something in your gut that doesn't waver at all.

With communication and emotional styles, I think that if the goals are in common and you both respect how the other works and are willing to compromise it can work out. I almost think it's more likely for them to be different that identical.

What I'm pondering these days is why people want people to be boyfriend/girlfriend/coupled? Why can't people just date, have sex, but not be a serious couple and have to be all public about things?
sareybelle
2 Questions-

I just started dating someone pretty awesome about six or 8 weeks ago. He has a work related meeting out in the Pacific NW in early September- the meeting is in Seattle but he's going to Portland afterwards to visit some friends. We casually discussed the possibility of me flying out and meeting him in Portland... I think I'd like to go, but- too soon? I think going would feel right and okay. Just wanted to know if people had advice or a similar experience to share.

Problem number 2- my ex boyfriend, who dumped me 8 years ago and married a debutante, is now divorced, got in touch with me via email, and asked for my number. SERIOUSLY. He keeps writing half fliratious things: "I know it may seem strange for me to get into contact with you after all these years, but you're a hard person to forget." "Signed, your old flame." I told him I have been seeing someone wonderful and am falling in <3 so he knows about that. I did give him my number yesterday, perhaps stupidly, and last night he called. I didn't pick up because I was a little freaked. I am assuming that he has a guilty conscience and wants to apologize. That's because I give people too much credit. What could he possibly want from me? We live 600 miles apart so it's not as if he's looking to hook up. Validation? Some kind of flirtation with no threat of follow through? Should this sort of behavior be indulged? Why the h*** did I put up that superhot photo of me on Facebook? I should have known something stupid like this would happen.
edie52
Sareybelle, go! You want to, he wants you to... don't over-analyze it. It's maybe a bit fast, but not even really since it's not a huge commitment (maybe just financially, somewhat?). I think it'll just be fun. I've heard great things about Portland, too. I'd only been dating my boyfriend about 2 weeks when he went to another part of the province for 5 weeks. He asked me to come for a weekend, and I thought "too soon," but in the end I went with my gut, got time off work, found a rideshare, and it was totally worth it.
stargazer
sareybelle, it sounds like you are just meeting up for a trip, nothing harmless here. it sounds like you are ok with this. and the exfactor, dude, i think you should stay away from that one. charms fades my friend. your current bf sounds like a good man.
dutchesss
I generally don't like people who contact their ex once their relationship is over, with these intentions. Come on, you had a relationship with this guy 8 years ago and now he thinks he can just turn up like this after his marriage is over..? That is just sentiment and I don't think anything real is there.

I would just ignore the ex and focus on your current boyfriend. Go on the trip and enjoy yourself! There are no rules whether it is too soon or not, you should just go with your feelings.

starpiste
I agree that you should go sareybelle! The guy I'm seeing is coming with me for the weekend to a work thing a few hours away. We've only been seeing each other about 6 weeks and we'll spend the nights together, but the days apart.
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