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sareybelle
thanks everybody- I think you are right, and I am going to try to make the trip work. You only live once, right? Last night I had the best time with the guy- he came to see us play music for the first time, and actually brought me flowers- my favorite color and everything. The only time I've gotten flowers from a man before was when someone did something really really bad... so this is all quite wonderful. And that pretty much sealed it. I know we'll have a blast and that's all that matters.

And the more I think about the ex, the more irritated I get. One of my bandmates pulled this s*** with an ex (albeit a much more recent one). I wouldn't have given my opinion, but he when told me he still had things he wanted to get off his chest alarm bells went off. I put myself in her position and thought, "you know I don't know that I'd want to hear from him." I didn't try to dissuade him from making the call, but warned him to be prepared for potential lack of enthusiasm on her part.

He tried to contact her several times to have a conversation about where things went off the rails. She would always email back and say, "I'm really busy for the next 2 months. How about then." Who doesn't have time for a half hour phone call? Well, plenty of people, if it's a phone call they have zero interest in having! At that point, I had to point out to him that it really seemed like she was done with it and whether or not he felt like he had things left to say, maybe he should respect where she was at. After all, he was the one who broke up with her and she could not have made it clearer that she was not interested in this dialogue.

Finally he pressured her into it, and he said his piece, and when I asked how she responded he told me she just kept saying "I don't know what to say to that." Like 9 million times. Obviously both parties would have to be open to this discussion in order for anything constructive or positive to come out of it and it doesn't sound like this was one of those situations.

What I don't understand is this- why do people need to be forgiven so badly? Sure my ex was sort of a jerk 8 years ago, but I've had 8 years to come to terms with that and realize "maybe he wasn't so much of a jerk, as he was, well, 24 years old." I was a jerk a few times when I was that age too. Anyway my theory is that the people I was a jerk to have probably moved on and remember the good with the bad. And if they haven't, well, I don't know if they need my help so much as a professional's!

I can only assume that he's conflicted about his divorce, and harkening back to a simpler time. We really did have a rather charming courtship so I can't blame him for having fond memories, I have them myself. But you're right I'm also having an absolutely grand time TODAY with someone who is absolutely wonderful and worthy of my undivided attention.

Thanks all.
dutchesss
Good for you, sound like you have a clear view on things! biggrin.gif
Go and enjoy your trip!!
snow white
Hey Busties,

I'm ashamed to admit I'm not attracted to my boyfriend of 3 months since he's shaved his beard, he looks like a complete stranger to me. I don't think he likes it either but he did it for a better job (as a full-time fireman) so I feel like I can't just say, "Hey honey, can you grow your beard back? You don't look like you without it." I haven't slept with him since he shaved it... What do I do?
auralpoison
Sounds like you either suck it up & accept the beardlessness or you ask him to grow it back. I mean, you say you haven't given up the love because of the lack of beard, so something's gotta give. You or the sans beard. Is there a follicular midground that can be reached? Can you continue to deny both of you the privilege of lovin' over some facial hair?

I admit, I hated HB's beard. HATED IT. But I was into him enough otherwise to stick around long enough to have manscaping rights. I think it was sometime between the sixth & eighth month that we struck our bargain & it still runs strong. Although, I think he rocks the beard for three weeks of the month & then shaves it to see me.

ETA, I looked it up, it was month four when we laid down the rules.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(snow white @ Aug 4 2008, 02:42 PM) *
Hey Busties,

I'm ashamed to admit I'm not attracted to my boyfriend of 3 months since he's shaved his beard, he looks like a complete stranger to me. I don't think he likes it either but he did it for a better job (as a full-time fireman) so I feel like I can't just say, "Hey honey, can you grow your beard back? You don't look like you without it." I haven't slept with him since he shaved it... What do I do?


Is he allowed to have ANY facial hair? Would you only be happy with a full beard? Maybe he can rock a moustach, goatee, or soul patch.
snow white
I guess it's traditonal for fireman to have a handlebar mustache or regular mustache, but nothing else (mustaches are for dads only in my book). I still miss the sexy look he was rocking with the facial hair but I've chilled and yes, he is still the same person and all seems to be well in paradise once again. I've also decided he looks like Lex Luther (sp?) and I kinda like that now...weird, huh?
BustablesGirl
Question for you all...how long do you give your guy to pop the question..and get over his fear of commitment? I've looked into that great site hiscoldfeet.com, and decided to give myself a timeline, but sometimes it is hard! He is 28, I will be 24 soon. We have been dating for almost 3 years, living together for 1. All his friends just started getting engaged and married, same with some of mine, so sometimes it is hard not to get swept up in it all. We discussed marriage a little bit, and I know he wants to eventually get married and get married to me...but he is scared of that final commitment! I don't bring it up or nag him about it, the last thing I want is to pressure him...but how long would you give yourself before you walk away?
kissmeducky
I now officially have less than a month left with my boyfriend either in close proximity or at all and I've been having some issues with time management. I figure since we have such little time left, the least I can ask from him is to spend time with him, right?

Well, he has himself a full time job during the week (which is only exaggerated by the fact that I am not working and sitting around all day doing nothing) which leaves him with not a whole bunch of free time and feeling pretty tired when he does have that free time.

As much as this is upsetting/annoying to deal with, I am not mad at him, but I'm still angry with the whole situation.

Recently I've gotten fed up with feeling like I'm constantly just being fit into his schedule. He is making an effort to see me but under the circumstances it's just being squeezed in between our two schedules. He'll come over after work, eat the dinner that I've made for him and then have to go home early to sleep during the week and then on the weekends I'll wait around while he's on these ten hour climbing trips and then by the time we get together he's so tired from a week of work and a day of climbing that we barely do anything and he goes to sleep while I sit up and watch Ugly Betty online.

The last time we spent a full day together was because I slept over the night before (when we went to sleep at 11) and that day it was storming so he couldn't go climbing (and it was very clear he would have rather gone cllimbing!)

I don't feel like I'm asking too much of him to put a chunk of time aside for me that's just for me, and that isn't planned just because he didn't have any other plans. I haven't been asking him to cancel his plans just as I haven't been clearing my schedule for him. I'm also not asking him to spend every bit of his free time with me either. I have requested that instead of a ten hour climbing day he shortens it to a seven or eight hour day (measly I know) but whenever I confront him in the slightest about this all it ends up with me walking away feeling like I'm being a burden on him by asking to, gasp, spend time with him.

This next week is his last week of work and then I don't think I'll have as much of an issue (although he's going on vacation the following week so that cuts a whole bunch of time out of the rest of our time together) but is this too much to ask? Am I being selfish or too needy?

I feel like we're both handling the last month in two very different ways. I want to cherish this time by spending as much time as we can together and it seems like he wants to make it easier by slowly pushing me away.

It's just hard enough as it is and I don't know what to do about this.
geekchickknits
kissmeducky, you are not being selfish and needy, but as much as this sucks, if he's not willing to come around there isn't much you can do about it. Have the two of you decided whether or not you are going to be in a long-distance relationship? If you are not, to be honest (again, don't mean to be harsh, this is based of of personal experience) there is no point in delaying the inevitable. If you are, you need to have a serious discussion with him about making time for you in his life. If he can't do it while he's there, how is he going to do it when he's away? LDRs fall apart without regular communication. My two cents. If you want, I can explain where I'm coming from.

However, I need some advice as well.

I am starting to fall hard for one of the guys I'm seeing right now, and I need some help formulating how and when to broach the topic.

We started as casual about three months ago, with me dating other people (I don't know if he is or not, I have assumed he is) but since he returned from one month of vacation, I realized how much I missed him, and that I'm starting to fall for him HARD. In the past I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship, and I don't want to go down that road again. He's been back less then a week. When should I have the "I really like you and want to see only you and you to see only me" talk? How do I bring it up?
sareybelle
QUOTE(geekchickknits @ Aug 7 2008, 09:56 AM) *
I am starting to fall hard for one of the guys I'm seeing right now, and I need some help formulating how and when to broach the topic.

We started as casual about three months ago, with me dating other people (I don't know if he is or not, I have assumed he is) but since he returned from one month of vacation, I realized how much I missed him, and that I'm starting to fall for him HARD. In the past I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with someone who didn't want to be in a relationship, and I don't want to go down that road again. He's been back less then a week. When should I have the "I really like you and want to see only you and you to see only me" talk? How do I bring it up?


Hmm, for me and the guy I am seeing, it seemed evident from the get go we weren't seeing anybody else because frankly there just wouldn't have been time in the week. However, I decided it would be better to actually talk to him about it just so that months down the line he wouldn't feel like he had been on a runaway train towards monogamy with no brakes.

It came up in the context of testing and birth control. We both got tested, I went on the pill, and we were talking about whether or not to continue using condoms.

That's when I said, "you know, I've been proceeding through all this under the assumption that we're not seeing other people, and I realized that maybe that's premature, and kind of presumptuous. I'm not seeing anyone else right now, and I'm fine with that, but don't want to assume that's what you want or are ready for too."

He looked at me like I was crazy and said, "I don't give a s*** about other women." Then he looked slightly wild and panicked and was like, "Do you think we should see other people???"

I said, "no dummy! But I didn't want for either of us to feel later like it's something we never talked about or dealt with, so let's consider it dealt with for now." And it was fine.

If you aren't sleeping with him yet, it's hard to use birth control as a launch pad. I think any way that you can bring something like this up without making him feel like you are upset or mad at him will probably work. Nobody, male or female, likes to be cornered so if you just throw it out there as two perfectly viable options with no wrong answer, good. If you can be casual or better yet, kind of funny about it, even better.

Good luck! It's nice to realize you miss someone.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(sareybelle @ Aug 7 2008, 10:21 AM) *
If you aren't sleeping with him yet, it's hard to use birth control as a launch pad. I think any way that you can bring something like this up without making him feel like you are upset or mad at him will probably work. Nobody, male or female, likes to be cornered so if you just throw it out there as two perfectly viable options with no wrong answer, good. If you can be casual or better yet, kind of funny about it, even better.

Good luck! It's nice to realize you miss someone.


I guess when I say dating I should say having sex with laugh.gif

but me and the boy are dating too - the other night we just got some take out and hung out at my place.

I think I'm going to wait until the end of the month before broaching the topic. My personal rule is three months, and tho technically it has been, he was away for a month so it's really more like two. I may just also be really excited about seeing him again (cuz you're right, it is nice to realize you miss someone) and taking a couple weeks will give me a little more time to suss out the situation, to see if he brings it up, and also to talk more about our sexual and relationship history. It'll also give me a couple more weeks to enjoy what may end when we have the discussion.

With this guy, it's not about being mad at or upset with him AT ALL. It's about me being scared about getting my heart broken again, or things ending in a way that destroys future possibility of friendship.

I think I'll also take this month to just lay all the crazy out on the table blink.gif If I want him to seriously consider a long-term relationship with me, he should know what he's getting into tongue.gif
sareybelle
QUOTE(geekchickknits @ Aug 7 2008, 12:31 PM) *
I guess when I say dating I should say having sex with laugh.gif

but me and the boy are dating too - the other night we just got some take out and hung out at my place.

I think I'm going to wait until the end of the month before broaching the topic. My personal rule is three months, and tho technically it has been, he was away for a month so it's really more like two. I may just also be really excited about seeing him again (cuz you're right, it is nice to realize you miss someone) and taking a couple weeks will give me a little more time to suss out the situation, to see if he brings it up, and also to talk more about our sexual and relationship history. It'll also give me a couple more weeks to enjoy what may end when we have the discussion.


do you think you'll want to end it if he is not yet sure about... what do they call it? "Exclusivity?" Because there's two options- being exclusive or non-exclusive- but a multitude of possible outcomes, that all have to do with whether or not you want to accept his point of view.

He could say, "I don't think I want that." And then would you cut it off or keep him around for the sex?

There's also the possibility that he'll say, "I'm thinking about it, but I just don't know yet." And if that's his answer, would you be willing to stick it out a while to see if he comes around?

Ideally, you'll both want the same thing and be enthused about it. Keep your fingers crossed for outcome # 1.

Less ideally, your needs are divergent.

Second scenario, if he says "that sounds like a relationship and I don't want one," I think you would be wise to cut bait. I guess people do change sometimes, but you can't count on that, you have to take what people are telling you at face value. You mentioned you were with someone before who didn't want to be in a relationship- who needs that again.

But the third scenario, where he's uncertain, I think would still be promising, depending on what he says and how he handles the discussion itself. If he's forthcoming and communicates his thoughts clearly and respects you, might be worth waiting for.

Again, good luck!
geekchickknits
QUOTE(sareybelle @ Aug 7 2008, 01:37 PM) *
He could say, "I don't think I want that." And then would you cut it off or keep him around for the sex?


Thing is, the sex is too good for me to keep him around just for the sex! The sex is so good, it's starting to have emotions tied to it. Which of course makes it better. Which of course will end up with me hurt if the same emotions aren't there for him.

I mostly want to find out if he is open to this turning to something long term - if he is open to including me as a consideration in planning his future.

If he doesn't know or needs to think about it, that's fine - to a point.

If he knows he doesn't want it, I will graciously extract myself from the sexual part of our relationship, and hopefully we can keep working on the friendship part.

If he says, yes, of course, I just didn't think that was what you wanted - all good!

He's a good guy. I'm not saying I wanna marry him, just to be open to wherever it takes us.

Thanks Sareybelle, I hope things are going well for you too! How was your trip to Portland?
sareybelle
QUOTE(geekchickknits @ Aug 7 2008, 03:36 PM) *
Thing is, the sex is too good for me to keep him around just for the sex! The sex is so good, it's starting to have emotions tied to it. Which of course makes it better. Which of course will end up with me hurt if the same emotions aren't there for him.

I mostly want to find out if he is open to this turning to something long term - if he is open to including me as a consideration in planning his future.

If he doesn't know or needs to think about it, that's fine - to a point.

If he knows he doesn't want it, I will graciously extract myself from the sexual part of our relationship, and hopefully we can keep working on the friendship part.

If he says, yes, of course, I just didn't think that was what you wanted - all good!

He's a good guy. I'm not saying I wanna marry him, just to be open to wherever it takes us.

Thanks Sareybelle, I hope things are going well for you too! How was your trip to Portland?


Sounds like you're being open to possibities but also thinking of your own well being. Very smart.

Trip to Portland will be in September if I go... it's not worries holding me back so much as finances. I want to move to a nicer place, I want to go on a trip, I want to pay down my debt. It can't all happen in the same month. We're going to take a shorter biking/camping trip in the meantime which should be nice.

Oh, and btw what are you going to do with all your other admirers???
geekchickknits
QUOTE(sareybelle @ Aug 7 2008, 05:28 PM) *
Oh, and btw what are you going to do with all your other admirers???


Well, I only need to deal with that if he wants to be exclusive. laugh.gif

But....

One is an old friend, and we don't date so much as help each other out every once in a while. To be honest, lately I've been thinking it should stop sleeping together anyway.

The other is overseas, and he knows that I have been seeing other people as our affair was very romantic, intense, and very brief. It has been very difficult to stay in touch, and I truly don't see much longterm potential there, due to circumstances. He has asked me not to tell him anything about other guys, and I told him I wouldn't unless it got to a point that corresponding with him would become inappropriate. He is very dear to me, but two short emails/ month does not a relationship make, and I am very hopeful we would be able to be friends.

After that meeting new suitors could simply be answered with a "Thank you sir, but I'm not available."

However, if exclusivity isn't on the table, I'm sure I'll be happy I still have them!
candycane_girl
Hello all. I wasn't sure if I should be posting in here but the only other appropriate thread seemed to be the Committed one and I've only been seeing this guy for two months.

So anyway, here's the deal. The guy I've been seeing is incredible. He's really sweet and it feels like we've known each other forever. My issue is that his best friend is a girl. I know that these are modern times and I have a close guy friend as well but I can't help feeling jealous. I feel like I shouldn't be because pretty much everyone I know has friends of the opposite sex. The thing is, a couple of days ago we sort of got in a fight about it. Last weekend he said he was busy because he was helping her move. And then this weekend he said he could only hang out on Friday because he was hanging out with her on Saturday. So I asked him if he wanted to hang out next weekend and he wouldn't say yes or no.

My thinking was that he always seems to plan ahead with her and I wanted him to myself next weekend so I would ask early. But instead he wouldn't give me an answer and said that he hates to plan ahead. Part of his reasoning for seeing her on the weekend is that she's too busy during the week so he can only see her on the weekend. But I feel like if I had to choose between my best guy friend and my boyfriend, I would rather hang out with my boyfriend.

Another thing is the whole sex thing. Last year I ended up having very drunken sex with my best guy friend. It was a mistake but it happened. My boyfriend says that if he had wanted to hook up with this friend of his, he would have done it already but he's not interested in her in that way and it's never going to happen.

I guess technically he's still spending more time with me but I still feel jealous. But I also don't want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend. Am I being the crazy jealous girlfriend? Help. sad.gif
roseviolet
CCGirl, do you ever read Jezebel? There was an article posted there today about this subject. Click here to read it. And be sure to check out the comments, too.
thirtiesgirl
My 2 cents: Candycane_girl, I'd talk with your guy about the fact that he plans ahead with her and doesn't plan ahead with you. I don't feel that's fair to you. If he's unable to make a time commitment 1 week in advance because he wants to keep his weekend open for 'other plans' (even if he's not sure what those other plans may be), I'd be a little suspect. I'd also ask your guy if you could hang out with him and his female friend, maybe get to know her a little better, too. Maybe ask if you could plan a dinner party for all of you, and let your guy know that you'd like his female friend to invite along another friend, too - either a guy she's interested in dating or another female friend of hers. If she invites along another guy friend, not a guy she's interested in dating, I don't think it would keep the conversation and vibe of the dinner party as balanced. If your guy balks on the request for all of you to hang out together in an attempt to get to know her (and perhaps some of her friends and/or a potential boyfriend) better, I would not take that as a good sign.
candycane_girl
Thanks for the advice. I have noticed one thing. I only seem to feel jealous when I'm PMSing (which I was during both times that I got annoyed and upset with him). I guess that's part of what makes me wonder if I'm just being crazy because of hormones. After I posted this I thought about it a little bit more. He is open to the three of us hanging out he just hasn't said when. He has also said that he's always had more girl friends than guy friends and he's one of those more in touch with his feelings guys.

The one part of that article that got me was the projection thing. Like I said, I had a bit of a crush on my guy friend last year and then we ended up sleeping together. However, what's interesting is that when I talked to my other friends, none of them had ever done the drunken hook up with a friend thing. I feel like I would want him to trust me around guys so I should trust him around girls.

Thanks for the input and the article. The comments are very comforting.
tankgirl
As someone who has always had guys as friends in the past I can say it might be frustrating to her as well. She might be used to hanging out with him all the time, and now him having a lady might be getting in the way of their friendship, so he might be making up for it, and being a good friend by keeping plans with her. I don't know him of course, or their relationship, but that has been my experience with stuff like that in the past. I was always understanding when my guy friends wanted to get laid instead of drive around and do nothing with me, but if they constantly broke plans etc, I'd probably think they were being a bad friend, unless they were just like that since I've known them.
Oh, and I never had a drunken fool around session with any of my (close) guy friends, except for one and it was while we were both going through a bad breakup, and I had never been really all that attracted to him before.
hiddenpoet
this is just me but for the past four or five years i've had nothing but male friends. if he were not making definite plans with you because maybe a male friend would want to hang out that weekend would you still be bothered by it? for the average guy if the relationship has only been together for two months and the girlfriend is already displaying jealousy for time spent with his friends then that girlfriend isn't going to be around for long. i know i'm being blunt here but i'm certain you can understand what i'm getting at.
dayglowpink
I've hooked up with many of my guy friends throughout my past. I always found that when I became close to a guy I also became attracted to him, even if I hadn't been attracted to him when we first met. A lot of the time I ended up sort of regretting the hook up, but it was never anything major. Anyway, I do think that since you've only been going out for two months, it's pretty normal for him not to want to make time commitments too far into the future. I also think that your jealousy is normal. You don't know each other that well yet, and it takes time to develop trust for most people. I also have a much worse time dealing with things like this when I have PMS. It's horrible for me. The stuff that upsets me would probably upset me a little bit normally, but I'd be able to handle it and move on. When I have PMS, I react very strongly to the same things and can't calm myself down. It sux.
foryoursplendor
2 of my best friends are guys, I've never had any sort of romantic encounters with them even though we've spent a number of occasions sleeping in the same bed (while travelling), camping, etc. One of these friends is married now, and I don't know his wife very well. We still hang out often, but I really hope that she doesn't feel jealous or intimidated because there really is absolutely no reason to worry. Hope this helps in some way, and remember - he's with YOU, not her.
candycane_girl
Thanks for the advice, ladies. I'm still annoyed because he's spending Friday AND Saturday with her this weekend. That just bugs me. And yet I don't want to be too clingy. I think maybe I just shouldn't bother calling him for a little while. It might sound silly but I feel like I've made myself too available. He always says that he can't wait to see me and that he loves spending time with me and yet I feel like he doesn't want to bother making plans with me. It's like that old bros before hos thing. Gah. I'm frustrated.
gradgal
CCgirl, that would bug me too if my boyfriend were spending both weekend nights with his best friend..irregardless of gender...rather than spending some time with me! I get that we all need friends outside of our relationships, but weekends are so coveted and considered sacred time when we are so busy through the week. I would want to spend it with my SO as well.

That said, I agree with thirtiesgirl about being open with your boyfriend and just talking to him about the fact that it does bother you when he makes plans with his friends ahead of time but doesn't do so with you. I can completely see why you think that you should try to make yourself less available in an effort to seem less clingy (implied is the notion that he will miss you more and want to hang out more/make more time), but in my experience the approach you suggested - I won't call you for a bit and see how long it takes you to call me - can sometimes backfire. I think this because we as women (I'm trying to avoid generalizations here so please forgive me) often take the amount of time it takes the guy to realize we are not calling him and to pick up the phone and call us as an indication of how much the guy likes us. If it takes the guy the 'right' amount of time we are happy again, but if it takes him 'too long' then our feelings are even more hurt. Needless to say, the guy has no clue what we are thinking/why we are behaving hot-cold and is more likely to attribute our change in attitude towards him as a problem with us and not his behaviour per say. Then the cycle continues.

I hope that all turns out well rolleyes.gif
candycane_girl
Well, I tried to tell him how I felt but his reasoning is that he can only see his friend on weekends whereas he can see me any time. That's kind of what I meant about being too available. Last week we only spent Friday together and then he was over last night. I guess that's a decent amount but I absolutely hate spending Saturday nights alone. I'm busy the next two Fridays so I'd like to spend Saturday with him but I feel now like I can't make plans with him cause he'll just say the same thing as before.

That's part of why I'm not calling him. I don't even care if he calls back in the "right" amount of time. I'm just pissed and I want him to know what life is like when I don't give a shit about him. This isn't even about his friend being a girl anymore. It's about him making time for his friends but not for me.
candycane_girl
Okay, nevermind. I gave in, called him and asked if he wanted to hang out next week and he was like, sure. Wtf?! This boy has me so confused.

But anyway, from this point on I will not call him because now we actually have set plans and I'm kinda busy anyway.
</crazy>
zoya
wow. just wow. not very good translation software you have there, sachin.
chachaheels
I don't know, CCGirl. I think men are insanely simple creatures when it comes to lovers, it's very easy to know how a man feels about you--and from there, based on the kind of relationship you want to have, it's very easy for you to decide whether or not you will have what you want with him and not compromise. Also, when they want you, they go out of their way to demonstrate it to you. Not just once or twice, either--all the time.

A man who really wants a woman and wants a relationship with her will always prioritize his time with her. He'll see his friends because he has relationships with them that he wants to maintain, but he'll do so around his time with her--never the other way around. When a man wants to be with someone, he's decisive about it--yes or no. Then, you can decide whether you want to continue, or not, based on whether or not you want what he can offer you. He also doesn't "hide" this prioritized relationship from his friends, so that they all know he's involved with someone, and realize he's not as available to them as he used to be.

But we're talking about men here: there are plenty of boys around who like to avoid making a decision--they won't say, "Look, I'm not interested in carrying this thing on with you, I don't see it going anywhere so let's not sleep together anymore", and they won't say, "I'm really interested in you, so let's spend time together doing this, this, and that and see where we go", either. They're noncommittal either way, there is no "yes" or "no". They end up having all the power in that kind of relationship, and you have none, and there's nothing dynamic in that interaction. You'll always be considered to be "too available" because time with you won't be his priority. You'll end up hating this guy and being angry with yourself.

You've got so many interesting things going on in your life, and lots of friends, time you'll spend enjoying your life that won't be followed up with hours of "did I do something wrong? What?". Plus, the world is filled with so many amazing men who have no problem making their minds up where women are concerned. Seriously.

To sum up briefly (and because I can't fucking stand that phrase): if it's "Bros before Hos":

1. You are no Ho; and
2. Therefore you're not part of this equation.
Persiflager
I'm not sure all men behave in precisely the same way....

candycane_girl, how does he make you feel the rest of the time? Does he make lots of effort when he does see you, e.g. planning fun stuff for you two to do together?

Maybe you should point out to him how nice it would be to spend a leisurely weekend morning in bed together wink.gif

I don't think you're being unreasonable - that would annoy me, regardless of whether the friend was a boy or a girl.
candycane_girl
Well, for one thing, he's certainly not hiding me from his friends. But I don't like the whole priorities idea either. We've only been dating for a couple of months, so why should I come before people that he has been friends with for years? We care about each other a lot but I wouldn't put him first either. To be honest, the only thing that I think of as a priority right now is my education, which takes up most of my time. We both have lives outside of our relationship and have to try to make time for each other because we're so busy. I think that perhaps my attitude is in response to how I see my older brother behave. He sees his girlfriend every single day. He goes to school, has a job and is in two bands and he'll do things like see her between school and work or go to her place at night after he's finished work and then come home really late. And to be honest, I think it's pathetic. I think that grown men and women should be able to handle more than 24 hours without seeing their SO. As much as I would love to see my guy everyday, I don't even have time for it and I think that it would make things boring really fast.

persiflager, he usually does plan things for us to do although sometimes he just comes over and we relax in front of the TV. But we'll do things like skating, or going to see small concerts or he'll cook for me, stuff like that. He makes me feel really special. We laugh a lot and generally always have a good time when we're together.

crazyoldcatlady
i'm with chacha on this one. she hit all the salient points. and don't look at her advice as tough love, either. it's not "oh, this sucks but you gotta hear it". it's a positive "you have too much going on/are too hot for teacher/biznitch-is-the-shiznit/enough-of-your-own-woman-to-know-what-you-want-and-get-it to piss around."

this, this is easier said than done. hell, i have to remind myself daily when i get those 2 am texts from boys who feel it necessary to only contact me at 2 am. yes, you're hot. yes, we get along like bitchcakes. but no, i'm not your call girl.

and, to pull and old old quote out my arse, re: fence-riding boys
"buck up or fuck off".
ketto
Has anyone ever dated someone with much less experience than them? I've been with my guy for...about 5 months and overall we're pretty happy but occasional some issues will come up for me. I've been dating/having sex for almost 6 years and I've had 14 partners. I have no problem with any of this, I had a great time and really liked just having unattached sex for a year. My boy now is a year younger than me, has never had a girlfriend, and had only had sex about 5 times when we met.

Overall we have a really good relationship but sometimes he'll say something that just makes me think so much of myself 5 years ago and I'm not always sure how to react because we conceptualize things so differently. I don't want to say something like, "Oh, well, I was there, you'll get over it. Stop worrying so much." But that's how I feel most of the time. In most regards, we're spot on with each other but our relationship experiences complicate things a bit. I guess I'm just looking for someone else who's gone through something similar. There's no fear of breaking up or anything, I think I just want some insight.
chachaheels
CC Girl, you should come before people he's been with for years because he's not sleeping with them like he is with you. Your relationship with him is very different from whatever he's had with them because of that alone. You're not just another "one of the guys", you're You. And he has to "get" that from the first eye contact on or else what's the point?

Now, your brother: he is an example of a man having an ongoing relationship with his lover/girlfriend. Your brother is doing this right. To you it seems excessive that they spend all that time together, but things vary between couples, some don't need to spend all that much time together. You probably won't want to with the man you want to be involved with, that's fine, it's your standard. But that's my point. It's your standard a man should meet. If you're wondering whether you're "too available" and you're wondering why he's not ready to see you when you're ready to see him, you're trying to meet his standard. That is never good.

I know I've said this before but trust me on this one: there are so many incredibly good, fascinating, sexy, capable, brilliant, breathtaking, loving men out there who would want to be with you. Truly. If you have to tell someone to buck up or fuck off (a handy phrase, by the way) when you've decided you want to be with them, you know he's likely not one of them.

Edited to add: Do you think I didn't have to learn this the hard way?
roseviolet
ChaChaHeels makes some good points, but I'm not sure I entirely agree with her tone.

Personally, I always tended to be an all-or-nothing person when it comes to guys. It took a lot for a guy to catch my eye, so I was able to determine pretty quickly whether a guy was worth my time or not. Either I wanted to see him every day or I just wasn't interested at all. I never had this middle-ground, casual dating, see-each-other-maybe 3-times-a-week thingamy. It just wasn't my style. Luckily, the guys I was with felt the same way.

However, a lot of my friends preferred to take things differently - male and female. Why? Well, one explanation was a fear of rejection. They preferred to keep their distance within the first few months just in case things didn't work out. It kept themselves from hurting so much from the break-up because they didn't have to alter their daily lives much (they continued to see their friends just as before, etc.). One of my best friends - a female - was a big believer in this tactic. Friends came first for her until she and a guy had been together a while & she felt comfortable taking it up a notch. Just like ChaChaHeels, she says she learned this "the hard way" & feels that it worked well for her (She's married now). So as you can see, this certainly is not a purely male phenomenon.

CCGirl, it's communication time. If you want to be a bigger priority in his life, then just tell him so. There's no need to make ultimatums or threaten him or anything. Instead, present it for what it is - a positive step forward in your relationship. Perhaps he'll be ready to take it up a notch & plan things with you first. There's only one way to find out.
candycane_girl
Well, I've talked to him and it seems that he is actually willing to make plans with me. We have plans for tomorrow, next weekend, and a few weekends after that. Usually we see each other twice a week because that's all that we can manage. I don't know if anyone had noticed my later post where I said that I called him and we did make plans.

But I have to say, I really don't like the all or nothing thing. When he and I are together, it's amazing and that's all that matters to me. We have really strong feelings for each other but what I want most is to just enjoy myself with him and not be serious all the time.

As for my brother, I don't think that his relationship style is right at all. It pretty much seems like his girlfriend can just tell him to jump and he'll go ten feet in the air. And it's not just the girl, he was like this with the last one too. It frustrates me that even if he feels tired, he'll still go over and see his girlfriend when he should be coming home to rest instead. It's like he's on a leash all the time and it pisses me off that he doesn't just stand up for himself and say that he can't come over because he's too busy or too tired or whatever.
zoya
**de-lurks** I think I can sum up what CC girl is saying - because this is how I feel. I don't need to hang out with someone every day. In fact, I wouldn't want to. and i don't necessarily need to hear from someone every day either.

what I need from a guy/relationship is to not have to wonder. I think that you can spend every single waking hour with a guy, and yet they still leave you wondering what's up - while another guy might only contact you every couple days and you do something twice a week, but you never have to wonder what's up, where they're at with things, etc. They never keep you guessing.

To me, that's the important thing, not the physical dynamic of the relationship.

**re-lurks**
candycane_girl
Zoya, I think you hit the nail on the head. I do feel like I know where I stand with him and I would definitely go crazy if I saw him all the time. Even though I have friends, I've always felt like kind of a loner and I enjoy having time to myself. And as I said earlier, with school, even if I did want to see him all the time I just couldn't. I have way too much to concentrate on.
hiddenpoet
Ketto,
i don't quite get exactly what you are talking about here but i'll fill you in on my experiences. it might help right?
almost everyone 've been with has less sexual experience than myself but that's due to an early introduction i had. if a man has a willingness to learn and apply the skills i can teach then it's fine for me. if he didn't then i didn't care if the door hit him on the ass on the way out or not. i just can't deal with bumbling in the bed.
a guy who is insecure or needy isn't the guy for me. i don't need reassurance and it bothers me when my partners have needed it. i've found that if my partners need to be reassured then i respect them less. my partners have been much more romantic and traditional than i am. with previous relationships it has been a major problem that i am more free spirited than whoever i was with at the time. this relationship it doesn't really seem to matter.
it doesn't really depend on experience as much as common sense and the ability to see things for what they are.
zoya
CC_girl - I'm saying this just to kind of play the devil's advocate, but do you really "not wonder" with this guy? If you read through your previous posts, you do wonder about why he wants to spend so much time with his friend who is female, why he isn't making plans with you, etc. I guess that's what I meant - to me, if I don't wonder about things with a guy, I'll feel comfortable with pretty much whatever he's got going on, because he's made me a priority in knowing what he's got going on, how he feels, etc. - and there's nothing wrong with that if you're in a relationship. As a couple gets closer, they should want to share about what they've got going on in their lives, even if they're not physically doing it together.

the other thing - and I always say this, but it's never failed me - is, listen to your gut. Ok, we all have issues and we all have things that, within relationships, trigger us to get worried, etc. but I'm talking beyond that. When you just *know* that something feels weird to you. If, in your gut, it just doesn't feel right that he's not making an effort, you're probably spot on in some way.
kittenb
ketto - I can speak to your problem from the other side. My guy has much more experience than I do. It has been an agjustment for both of us. Even now, over a year into things, I still struggle with being a "girlfriend." I know that I don't have to be whatever it is that my mind has decided that a "good girlfriend" must be, but there are times that I need to be reassured that what I bring to the table is more than enough and if he wanted a "good girlfriend" he would have found someone much less interesting than me. I wish I could find Sark's "The Good Girlfriend Must Die" essay somwhere on-line to explain what I am talking about. Anyway, I think dating someone with less experience has an unexpected perk in that I am very appreciative of things that other people might take for granted. The occasional, "Am I doing this right?" question is just the price he has to pay I suppose.
candycane_girl
Zoya, I think that honestly, when I was asking all those questions before, it was just a moment of me being neurotic. I'm kind of like ketto's boyfriend in that I'm the one with less relationship experience whereas my guy has more experience. But to go with what you said, deep down in my gut, nothing actually feels weird. I don't have any kind of fishy feelings and to repeat for the third time he is making plans with me.
Persiflager
Hurrah for candycane_girl and her boy and their plans! That is very exciting - I thought you'd made one set of plans, but that is many! Yay!

I'm a fan of quality time over quantity. As long as he thinks you're the bomb and acts accordingly, then everything in the garden is lovely. And I also need nights off with my friends and alone-time.
_octinoxate
hm, i'll chuck in my 2 cents as well: for me it's normal and healthy to put a high priority on one's dear friends and other activities when the relationship is still so young. if i had been with a partner for a year and was still not getting committed plans for the weekend, i'd probably worry. but yeah, if you're generally feeling good about the relationship and can communicate well when necessary, sounds like you're sitting pretty! have fun on your weekend plans smile.gif

ok, i have a dating etiquette question: i'm doing a little online dating, and wondering about the most respectful way to let someone know that i'm not really into them. ESPECIALLY when we're shot a few emails back and forth and seem to be clicking... until the photos come out. if the attraction's not there, it's not there. how do i politely deal with that? thanks!
Persiflager
If you've just emailed and haven't yet talked on the phone or met up, then I'm not sure you need to say anything - I'd just stop replying. The only site I've been on showed the pictures up front, so I might be completely wrong on this one.

That said, I think it's quite hard to judge physical attraction from just a photo. If I was getting on well with a guy and not completely repulsed by the picture then I'd give them a chance (I also found it easier then to say 'I'm sorry, I just didn't feel any chemistry').

If you do want to say anything, then I'd avoid commenting on the picture and just say 'I'm sorry, I'm not interested in taking this any further. Good luck!'.
kittenb
Please don't just stop replying. That made me crazy when I was on-line dating.
QUOTE
If you do want to say anything, then I'd avoid commenting on the picture and just say 'I'm sorry, I'm not interested in taking this any further.
That would be much better. Or just lie and say that you met someone.
thirtiesgirl
I'd second the recommendation to let the person know that you're not interested. Just stopping all communication with an online connection can lead to confusion. They can surmise why you decided to stop contacting them, but they don't know for sure, and that can lead to wrong assumptions.
ketto
Thanks for the advice HP and kitten. HP, the issue actually isn't sexual at all. He's a very fast and eager learner and that hasn't been a problem at all. We actually ended up chatting about everything again today and I feel fine about things now. We sort of got things out in the open and talked about our different expectations and how our minds worked and it was just a good conversation and we both felt way better after. I'm glad to know I'm not the only who's had to deal with this stuff. smile.gif

As for internet dating, I would appreciate a little reply just saying you're not interested. When I did online dating I would typically just say, "Hey, you seem like a nice guy but you're not really what I'm looking for. Good luck on the site!" That usually did it and I even got a few responses back thanking me for being honest.
_octinoxate
thanks for the feedback, ladies! i appreciate it. happy monday to y'all...
lopie313
I am new to this whole blogging thing i hope I'm in the right spot to ask my question hopefully i am so here it goes:

I have a boyfriend of 3 years and i love him dearly. but lately i have been having little crushes on other guys. and they aren't just any guys. One was a co-worker/close friend and another was a good friend of 10 years. I don't know what to do about it.
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