Apr 25 2006, 06:25 AM
venus - what is the guy like? what are your impressions of him? does he have anything interesting going on in his life?
i went one round with my former FWB/ex-boyfriend last night. it was good. i wish i didn't know him so well. it would be so much fun to be really excited about him again.... like we were 4 years ago.
May 10 2006, 08:04 PM
I started working in avery small office last summer. A few weeks after I started a guy started there who I knew, upon sight, was a dog. He's good looking and charming and has a rockin' bod. I steered way clear and ignored him for months despite working in a small space with him.
So, we travel a lot for work and we were put in the same hotel room. We spent two nights chatting non-stop. About sex. But stayed in our respective beds.
Needless to say, the next trip we took together we slept together. Earth shaking, on another planet sex. It was insane. Now I'm insane.
This guy has a very recent ex-girlfriend (after an 8 year relationship), a new girlfriend, fucks guys, is fucking me, the new girlfriend doesn't know about the extra curricular sex, the old girlfriend wants him back. It's all too much. I am smart, I know this is not right for me long term. BUT I think I'm addicted to him.
When he's around I feel great (in and out of work) and when he's not, I feel like shit. I promise myself everyday that I will stop flirting with him and making out with him at work, that I will stop fucking him. Then the next day I have my hand down his pants. We engage in hot, risky behavior together and feel we are each other's sexual soul mates. It would be perfect if we didn't work together, if I could not see him for a few weeks at a time. I'm confused b/c I don't want him but I do.
I know I will never be his girlfriend, I don't want to be. He's a slut! (I'm a slut too but am capable of refraining where he is not) I want to free myself of his charm. I want to go to work to WORK, not giggle and watch my coworker pull his dick out in the server room. I want to stop thinking about him. But I don't know how to get this under control.
Do I need a labotomy? Is that my only hope?
May 10 2006, 10:06 PM
luckyme: "(I'm a slut too but am capable of refraining where he is not)" if you have the power to resist, apply it to him. WHY do you choose to refrain from having sex with multiple partners? why do you feel the need to refrain from continuing this relationship with him? i think once you are aware of the reasons you dont really want to put yourself through this drama, you will find the power to resist him. and if the excitement is worth the turmoil and potential for trouble, have at it. basically, really listen to yourself and what you truly want. you know what you need to do.
May 10 2006, 10:53 PM
I knew that line, "I'm a slut too but am capable of refraining where he is not," would be a little confusing. I meant I have refrained in the past when involved in an agreed upon monogomous relationship. I currently do not refrain from multiple partners and I don't care who he sleeps with as long as all parties are informed.
I'm Type A, I want control. This feels out of control. Every night I know what I need to do but I LOVE the sex. It's pathetic, I know. I know I'll get out eventually - whether that means quitting my job or being a bitch or pressuring him to be mean to me so I can have a good excuse to get over him.
In my perfect world I would have a dim libido and a will of steel. I'm confused. I can't figure out what I want. I want exciting sex but I want to go to work and be focused. I want it to be casual but we're friends and see each other every day so emotions get involved.
I'm in therapy so I'm not a total lost cause. Just a little dramatic and lost right now.
May 17 2006, 10:39 PM
luckyme: we all get confused when we're battling rational mind with emotional mind. it's hard to really know what we want. i mean we know what we SHOULD do, but sometimes it's really just not that easy. this will work itself out.. you seem to have a pretty strong grasp on what's going on here. just keep expressing yourself and moving forward. good luck ;)
May 20 2006, 10:22 AM
Thanks again knorl05.
I took a mini-vacation to the carribean and read a lot and didn't think too much. It was helpful, I came back with a clearer perspective on the situation. I'm still fucking him and it's still hot (and probably will continue to be for awhile) but I think I have my emotions under control now. This guy is a mess and he's not taking me with him so I'll enjoy the sex and the banter and not take it to heart.
Thanks again! A week from now I may be writing again about chaos but I'm in a good place now.
May 21 2006, 09:45 PM
hey lucky me...i just wanted to say that A) i am glad you know what you are doing and what you want out of this relationship and B) i am so totally jealous of the scorchingly hot sex you have with your fuck friend. it's not every day that someone can come along and turn you on like that. for me its been awhile in terms of feeling that pure unforgiving lust, which is why i can appreciate what you have to say (and that story you posted in the locker room thread) even more!
May 26 2006, 11:12 PM
luckyme: SO great to hear! when you're not delusional or fooling yourself into thinking something that's not happening, you can really enjoy the moment and the opportunity. relationships like this are great for new experiences and experimentation. you're free to be and just enjoy it for what it is. have fun dear
Jun 1 2006, 10:14 PM
This all sounds very familiar - the struggle between a Powerful Physical Force and Reason (which helpfully kicks in when the PPF subsides long enough for something else to have a go at screwing your mind). I've thought about this a lot and think that I have successfully analyzed the last time this happended to me (this being but one in a string of similar episodes for me). It came down to: <drumroll> smell and ego. Let me expand. By "smell" I mean that the man in question had an addictive, insanely attractive smell, that had everything to do with him, and nothing to do with deodorant, aftershave etc. My sense of smell is very developed and I am convinced that the atraction operated in part due to this smell. I could tell a day or two later, where in the room he had been, it was that distinctive, and yet no one else could smell it. As a result, a prolonged removal from the person (and I mean, at home, not in another room from him) served to slowly sever the link. I have been in a different workplace for nearly 4 months and am pleased to report that the crazy attraction is slowly fading. Turning to "ego", I also had to admit to myself that part of why I was attracted to him was because he came with strings (luggage enough to sink an aircraft-carrier!). I posed this scenario: if he was completely unattached and hopelessly devoted to me, and asked me to marry him, would I take him? The answer is "no"; part of the kick was knowing that he had to overcome all these hurdles, and also battle with his better judgment (much like me, in fact). Lastly, when the attraction became so strong that I was in danger of doing something completely inappropriate and foolish (in front of co-workers etc), a temporary fix can be had by imagining that his otherwise fabulous teeth are partly false (imagine him taking off dentures at night). For me, it worked really well to kill the attraction, but it's a short fix.
Jun 3 2006, 12:17 PM
the smell: it has been researched that this smell is a man's pheromones.. AND that men with very symmetrical features have a more preferred scent. I dont know how it works that way, but that's what i've seen on the science/discovery channel. so scarlet, you're pretty right on about the connection between your feelings and his scent.
Jun 3 2006, 06:01 PM
i am finding that extraordinarily interesting. i also have a sense of smell that is highly developed and the boy who i am lusting over (have been for a year, totally in love with him...we are "just friends" cause we worked together but we hang out every day after work and go away together blah blah blah) also has a distinct smell. he is asian, so doesnt need to wear deoderant, certainly doesnt where cologne, so the only thing that i smell is most likely his pheremones mixed with his laundry detergent. it is SO distinctive. i mean i could smell him if he was in a room, or walked by. no one else really ever commented on it so i am convinced now after hearing you scarlet that it could be just this. his smell if i am standing next to him makes me want to attack him and have insanely wild sex. its something that literally drives me insane. thanks for breaking this oen down for me scarlet bc i certainly couldnt.
Jun 28 2006, 04:09 PM
Thanks so much for writing. I had to smile and chuckle when I read your post. Especially the part about ego. Boy o boy do I know that. My guy carries the same kind of baggage. Toooo much. And so do I.
I was clear of it all for a couple of weeks b/c he managed to piss me off so much at work that I shut him down. But lately his charm is getting to me. That and being groped in the hall and told that I'm not cute, I'm a head turner - drop dead gorgous. Yeah, you could say a little ego is involved.
So yesterday was making out in the stairway and then off to my therapist for a little reality check. Today I feel the same anger and confusion I felt before and I realize it's not worth putting myself back in that out of control place. Tomorrow I have a blind date (my fingers are crossed).
I do believe it is very much what you have gone through, Scarlet. The chemistry is too, too much. So hard to resist. I don't have the luxury at this time of quitting my job so I have to find other outlets of resistance. I used to think, "this guy leads women on," and that helped. But he doesn't do that anymore. So I guess it will be, "there is nothing he can do that will ever make me as happy as I want to be. Nothing. No penis is worth the agony."
Wish me luck!
Apr 13 2008, 07:57 PM
QUOTE(luckyme @ Jun 28 2006, 06:26 PM)
Scarlet Letter, <BR>Thanks so much for writing. I had to smile and chuckle when I read your post. Especially the part about ego. Boy o boy do I know that. My guy carries the same kind of baggage. Toooo much. And so do I. <BR> <BR>I was clear of it all for a couple of weeks b/c he managed to piss me off so much at work that I shut him down. But lately his charm is getting to me. That and being groped in the hall and told that I'm not cute, I'm a head turner - drop dead gorgous. Yeah, you could say a little ego is involved. <BR> <BR>So yesterday was making out in the stairway and then off to my therapist for a little reality check. Today I feel the same anger and confusion I felt before and I realize it's not worth putting myself back in that out of control place. Tomorrow I have a blind date (my fingers are crossed). <BR> <BR>I do believe it is very much what you have gone through, Scarlet. The chemistry is too, too much. So hard to resist. I don't have the luxury at this time of quitting my job so I have to find other outlets of resistance. I used to think, "this guy leads women on," and that helped. But he doesn't do that anymore. So I guess it will be, "there is nothing he can do that will ever make me as happy as I want to be. Nothing. No penis is worth the agony." <BR> <BR>Wish me luck! <BR> <BR>
It's almost two years later and I'm back under a different name but I wanted to write to this and say that I was right about what this was, it was nothing more than sex. I got a new job and got out from under his spell. We are still friends but keep our contact to one hour lunches as we are both in relationships now. Funny how well you know a situation and time will reveal how spot on your intuitions can be.
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