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erinjane
Yeah, I still can't quite comprehend it. And I haven't stopped shaking all day. I went and threw more bricks actually, and ran for a bit, but I have that feeling like I need to scream but I don't think that's going to help.
I know I'll feel better in the morning but I feel so scattered and crazy right now.
deschatsrouge
erinjane I can't believe that you had the guts to see him in person and actually let him hug you. WOW! That would set off the worst flashbacks for me. I can't even stand the thought of talking to him on the phone, every time I pick it up and it's silent on the other end I have a mini pannick attack. I could never talk to him on the phone, much less see him. Girl, you got guts!!!
kittenb
Wow, I don't know what to say erinjane! That is amazing. Way to go!
erinjane
I really thought I was going to faint the whole walk to see him. The rest of the day I couldn't relax and around 1am on saturday I actually had to call the 24hour sexual assault crisis line and I managed to calm down enough to sleep.

Yesterday I felt really depressed though. It feels like it did right after the assault actually, "How am i supposed to feel now?" I see my counsellor on Tuesday and it's going to be a heavy session.

But yesterday he had the gall to actually send me an email in which he hit on me. I found it both hiliarous and infuriating. As if because he apologized I forgive him, and that he'd ever have a chance to be even alone in a room with me. Seeing him out in a large public place, was okay, but that's as far as it will ever go. As far as I'm concerned, our contact is finished. Infuriating because it just goes to show how little he understands about how much he fucked me up. But I'm not scared of him anymore, or of seeing his name, or even of running into him on the bus. I feel like i gained back so much power I'd lost.

This feels like a new stage to this whole process though. Scary and un-navigated.
maddy29
Wowzah erin. It's weird, because from the way he apologized and stuff before, I was kinda wondering if he actually "got" it. I was sorta thinking that he'd try to get back into your life. VERY creepy. I don't think he understands it, but you did what you had to do. He doesn't have power over you anymore, and that's the important thing.

So you are all done with email? I'd have a hard time not writing back a very angry email to that....but does it just feel like you told him, and he just doesn't get it and there's no point in you pushing the issue? I mean, he apologized for raping you, and then he thinks you're going to date or something? WHATT??? That is insane....wtf is he thinking?

I think feeling really depressed right now is very normal. And it'll take a while probably for things to settle down. This was a HUGE thing you did!



erinjane
I haven't decided if I'm done with the email. I think I'll let it lie for a few days at least. I definatly have the urge to write something angry back about the struggles I go through, but at the same time I'm just like, "is it worth my time?" I dunno...I feel like i still haven't had time to let it sink in.

I thought it was kind of funny because I used the word rape in the initial email and I flat out said, "You raped me". Who the hell wants to date someone that's accused you of rape? I just don't think he's all right in the head either. I also had a feeling he wouldn't 'get' it, but I'm still glad there was a confrontation.

I had my first indoor soccer game of the season last night and after I realized how happy I am to have that hour where I don't have to think about anything at all.

I'll be seeing my counsellor in a couple of hours so hopefully she'll be able to help me clear my thoughts a bit.
maddy29
Yeah, it does seem that he's not all there in the brain. Which is good to know! His response is so odd and strange.

You said "you raped me," he said "sorry, now let's date" ? WTF?????

Does he even know what rape means? Very weird.

Good idea to give it some time and sorta see where you are in a week or so. I'm sure seeing your counsellor will help a lot.


**may trigger**

This reminds me of my two yucky experiences in college, which I experienced as unwanted sex. I never know if it was rape, if I should/can call it rape, or if it was just two drunken idiots being stupid (me and the guy). I just know that a guy should never stick his dick in you without asking first.

Anyways, I was talking to my boyfriend about the grey area-how there are some things that are so clearly rape, and that most rapes occur in the grey area. I was talking about my experiences in college and it was weird-he was getting upset, I think because he didn't like to think of me having random drunken hookups. But he was telling me that most guys think that if you are fooling around with a girl and she gets naked, that means she wants sex. I was like "so they don't think they should ask, or talk about birth control or anything?" He said he thinks most guys don't even care, they just want to have sex. ( I think he was referring to college guys, that age...)

I dunno, this really shocked me. I mean are guys really that stupid? I remember my friend hooked up with this guy, took all her clothes off, but didn't want to have sex. To me that's fine, but he was like "Never ever take your clothes off with another man, unless you want to have sex." I thought that was TOTAL bullshit and still do. I mean, there are lots of other things you can do with your clothes off besides having sex. WHy would a guy ASSUME that sex was going to happen? And why would he just stick his dick in, without asking?

All this stuff is just rolling around in my head right now, I don't know if this is the right thread for it (probably not).

I feel like I had a point and a question to ask with this but now I can't remember cause i'm feeling all outraged at how so many men just treat women as a piece of meat, or a thing that they can just fuck or whatever, not like a person. grrrrrrrrr.
deschatsrouge
Maddy I was told by my therapist who did rehabilitation for sexual preditors that when men commit rape, the whole time they are doing it they are convincing themselves that it's consentual (sp?). I don't think most guys are that stupid, they are just really good at convincing themselves they are not rapists. I also think that our culture is to blame, women are "wishy-washy teases", and it's okay to take what you want from them. And women are supposed to just lie down and take it. This is why I'm all for letting out the hell beast when anyone tries to rape, it's harder to convince oneself that the act is consentual when one is fighting a fire breathing, raging, horned, minion of satan.
maddy29
QUOTE
it's harder to convince oneself that the act is consentual when one is fighting a fire breathing, raging, horned, minion of satan.



Yes, and this is what I'll do next time this happens! (god forbid)(ok, i'm not even catholic anymore but i still feel compelled to write god forbid)

That does make sense that they "think" it's consensual, even if they don't ask.

Maybe that's why I have a hard time blaming the specific guys, and I blame society and social role conditioning, etc, even more. But, at the same time, I was naked with a lot of guys in college, and only 2 raped me(still not really sure i want to use the word rape). The others asked about sex, asked if i was on the pill, or else could just tell that i wasn't even interested in their cocks at all....

Now I'm remembering a friend from college who told me to say, before clothes were removed "I don't want to have sex." so, to put it out there before anything gets started, so there is no confusion as to where it's leading. But, looking back, I think that's nutso that we had to do that. That guys were just assuming that they'd get sex.

deschatsrouge
Erinjane, that guy is a clueless asshole. If I were you, I would send him a tupperware container full of my poo.
maddy29
ha ha! totally...
butterfly
Wow Erin- hope you're doing ok. That's an amazing thing to have done.

I was thinking what he might be doing is trying to make things better for himself- like if you agree to see him, whether as a 'date' or as a 'friend', then it makes what he did not so bad (for him). I agree with Deschat, in that I think it's about denial. Denial of the worst side of him.
Same as victim blaming.
And as what Maddy was saying regarding "naked therefore consenting".

I also agree with Deschat about the tupperware gift.

Take care of you Erinjane.
maddy29
garh, i'm on craig's list having a stupid argument about rape. now i have this woman, who i know to be a survivor of lots of violence and she is saying that naked=consent too! she's saying it's not ok to get naked unless you want sex. wtf???? this is a feminist (older but come on...) and a survivor!

i'm all riled up about rape right now. just got this newpaper at my school tha'ts put out weekly and it's about this research study on child sexual abuse, and i participated in it. but they are making these nutso conclusions and i'm so pissed off. i'm going to email them and ask for a meeting. they are saying that csa in itself is NOT TRAUMATIC, but remembering it later in life is. um, what? these are harvard researchers in the psych department!!!! grrrr.

it's sooo frustrating because they use me as an example in the articles-i'm the oddball-the only one who considered it traumatic....the only one who this-like i'm some kind of freak. never mind that they only interviewd about 30 people. they are making all sorts of conclusions and making sure that they mention that i had repressed memories and i talked with my therapist about them-basically alluding to false memories.

this is seriously making me crazy. i've been thinking about hypnosis but at the same time i think if my body/mind can't access those memories anymore, maybe it's cause i can't handle them. god i'm just so sick of this. i put it away and try to live my life and then i get all upset again. i can't just trust myself and believe myself, and i can't just let it go, so i'm just stuck stuck stuck. sometimes i feel like no matter how good i'm doing in other areas, i'm just not going to ever be able to REALLY TRULY move on until i really know what happened. gah. i remembered, and now i can't remember again. fuuuuuuuck. sad.gif

i'm so pissed about my two experiences in college. i'm so pissed that so many people think that i shoudl have been more responsible or that i shouldnt' have taken my shirt off or whatever. i'm sick of men getting away with rape. i'm sick of other people defending them and blaming the victim. yeah, i shouldn't have had that much to drink. but ya know what? that had NOTHING to do with me being raped. cause i was a big ole drunk in college-the difference those times were the guys i was with...the dangerous variable wasn't ME, it was THEM. fuck!

and yeah, ya know, i'm gonna call it rape. mabye a little rape compared with others experience, but it's still rape. even talking to my boyfriend, he was like well yeah, a guy would expect sex if you were doign al lthat. i know he's just being ignorant but it hurts to see that soooo many people don't see that as a bad thing-totally blaming the woman. i'm going to have a conversation with him about it because it upset me-like he only sees rape in those cut and dried black and white easy to identify experiences.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

ok whew-big vent.





erin-how are you?
ananke
I agree with Dechats except don't waste tupperware. I'm sure you have some nasty plastic takeout container somewhere.

My big news is I told my husband who it was. Then I told our best friend. Who went and blurtedit out to my brother in law. Which I'm not as upset about as I thought I would be. He didn't do it out of spite and it made it a lot easier last night when I drunkenly talked about it. I think I need to talk to my best friend though - I don't think he's handling it as well as I thought. I'm glad I've talked about it though. They all believed me, they still love me and now my husband has some support.

Also naked =/= sex. I get naked with my husband all the time. It's fun. I don't have sex so much at the moment, because it isn't fun. So, y'know, there's lots of times I'm naked and there's no sex. How else is he supposed to go down on me? I only wear wants, so no flipping up of skirts. How else are a lot of other nice consentual things supposed to happen conveniently without nakedness? I can't ever imagine it meaning sex without discussion.
erinjane
Naked=consent really gets to me because I was fooling around and naked waste down when I was raped. But I said, no and I tried to push him off and repeatedly objected. What do people who say that naked=consent say to that? It frusturates me that people can think like that, but at least I (we) know what is what. And there is nothing that will convince me otherwise.
maddy29
well, these people are saying that you never should have been naked or even half-naked with him, because that was a signal of your consent to having sex. Geez, you didn't know that???

These people are seriously creeping me out, even women on there who are usually good, and somewhat feminist are saying things like "women shouldn't flaunt it or they should be prepared to face the consequences."

It's so amazing to me that people really believe this. As if men are just dogs who can't control who or what they hump, and if they see a naked body they just HAVE to fuck it. IT gives men NO credit-I mean I'd be insulted if I were a guy listening to that.....Scary stuff.

It'sg reat to come here and get validation, but it's so enraging to me to see what shit is being spouted on a more general public bulletin board. And people say there's no need for feminism....yeah, cause sexism is all gone! gAh.

ANANKE-awesome about disclosing! It is hard and it can really affect your friends/family so much-just make sure to take care of yourself, not them. I'm glad they are supporting you. Everyone deserves to be able to share their story and get love and support and validation-so glad you got it!
kittenb
Hey, sorry to go off-topic but I wanted to share this little MySpace Group, if anyone is interested:
MySpace Survivor Archives

I have chatted, on-line, with the ladies who run this and they seem pretty cool. I submitted my story for their site.
freckleface2727
hey everyone,

I don't read here, but have been aware of this thread for awhile.
while no I'm not a survivor of sexual assault, I just recently started volunteering at the local Rape Crisis Center, and will, once I am fully trained, serve as a companion to the Clients we provide service to as they are going through the inital medical exams & statement giving to the authorities, along w/ teaching public service saftey & awareness classes and so on.

.. is it ok if I hang out here a little? I don't in ANY way want to invade a space that to me is so intensely private and important, but I do feel I might could learn some that would make me more sensitive and understanding.
the information I was given to read is just literally blowing my mind already.. things I Thought I knew.. things I never imagined..

y'all can take a vote or whatever and I swear it won't hurt my feelings one bit if you're not ok w/ me here.
I realise this is an open forum where anyone Can read if they so wish, but that just doesn't seem right to me and will honestly abide by whatever you all feel.

thanks much,

freckle
maddy29
YOu are so cute freckle-of course you can hang out here smile.gif

I know other people read here, and that's cool with me. I lurked on boards for years before I ever posted, and it helped me just to read different people's experiences.

that's really cool what you are doing. i'm going to a training next week so that i can basically, play with homeless kids for 2 hours/week-its' a great organization and i'm really excited to get to DO soemthing instead of just complaining smile.gif
kittenb
freckle - Welcome, welcome, welcome!!!! And thanks for volunteering with a Rape Crisis Organization. I have done the medical advocate work that you are describing. I know that laws change state to state, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
deschatsrouge
Freckle I think you should stay. I'm glad you want to learn about what it's like to be a sexual assault victim/survior. The more informed advocates, the better. I think it'll be good to have one more fighter in the struggle against sexual violence. I'm glad to have you on my team.
freckleface2727
thankyou all for the ok.
I am a survivor of childhood abuse at the hands of my bi polar and psychotic brother, so I'm not a total stranger to the world of damage, altho I know it's not by any means the same.

I will try to listen and learn and maybe occassionally ask questions here and there if it's ok. I'm waiting to see if this isn't maybe a good introduction or springboard (volunteering as a Companion) to maybe going into Victim's Advocacy when I start college. I know I'm just in the 'read over the material' intro stage of my training, but I'm a fixer and a fighter, and advocacy, esp women's, seems to be where I always end up in my daily life. people come to me bc they know I will help them and won't stop til we have some sort of positive (mostly) resolution. I wish I had the wherewithall and brains to persue Law.

anyway, thankyou for letting me join you here. you're all amazing women I feel fortunate to be able to get to know in this forum.
deschatsrouge
It sucks that so many children and women have to suffer abuse especially since we are living in a "civilized" age. It's just unreal to me. What does that say about our culture and society?
erinjane
Posted to both survivor and depression thread.

I was doing really really well over the last four days in that I felt normal, but on the bus tonight I saw Him. He said hi, and i nodded and that was it but as soon as he got off I started getting really panicky and started to cry a bit and started thinking about horrible things again.

And for an extra added bonus of the night, it just snowed here so the streets are awful. As I was stepping off my bus a bus behind it rear-ended my bus, and in midstep the door knocked me on the shoulder and pushed me too the ground. Totally not a big deal but made me feel horrible and I burst into tears full on but walked away before anyone could ask if I was alright.

My mom was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder AND ulcers due to stress and I feel like part of it might be my felt for telling her about the assault.
maddy29
i can't access bust at work sad.gif nothing else is blocked, but all of a sudeden bust is,,, sadness

erin, that is so insanely bad, i would completely freak out. it's bad enough when you agreed to meet him, but to just see him like that, ugh. and then falling down, you poor woman! sheesh.

i feel ya on the mom thing, my mom was really affected by my whole everything-depression, etc etc. i felt so bad for her, but you can't take that on ya know? i found that my mom just wanted to do anything to see me better and happier, so i'd have her do stuff like make me tons of soup to store in my freezer so i'd at least be eating, and that'd make her feel so good, like she was doing something. cause i think a daughter telling her mom she was raped (whoever it was, and whenever it is) is just going to leave the mom feeling really protectcive and sad and guilty and powerless, like she didn't do enough to protect you.

does your dad know? my dad was all "i'm going to kill that bastard!" until he found out that the bastard was his own father.....

i'm having some crazy ass shit come up because i'm trying to cut way back on the weed and it's reminding me why i like to always be a bit stoned!
erinjane
I'm feeling better today. That was just a super bad night. Ugh.
I haven't told my dad and I asked my mom not to just because i feel weird about it.

I think one of my problems right now is i haven't been sleeping well for about a month. I'm hoping my new doctor will recommend something. I used to be a really really heavy sleeper until about 2 years ago and in the last few months i've become a really light sleeper. Last night I went to bed at 10 but woke up again and again. So irritating. But anyways, I think I'll feel a little more calmed down if I can get that under control.
deschatsrouge
((((erinjane))))
kittenb
erinjane - God what a rotten fucking day that must have been. I wish I had been there so that we could go and drink hot toddies and make things a little better.

In fact, hot toddies all around the thread!

{{{{{maddy}}}}} Good luck with the weed things. It takes a lot of guts to let go of the comfort things. Let us know what you need.
erinjane
That's funny, I actually have a really bad cold and was thinking of whipping up hot toddies to bring to class with me.

Off topic, but I called in sick to work for a variety of reasons (sick, my dad had surgery yesterday, catching up on class readings) and I hate how I feel super guilty about it now. I mean, it's a 3-hour shift! I struggle with convincing myself that it's okay to take a day every now and then for my sanity. But I told my boss I would stay an extra hour tomorrow, however I have a feeling I'll run out of things to do anyways. /hijack.
kittenb
I don't think that I really even know what goes into a hot toddy. It just seems like something you could use after being traumatized and then knocked down by a bus into the snow. Enjoy your time off. You've earned it.
ananke
There are days you just need to stuff the guilt into a box in the corner and do what you need to do to let yourself be.

Last friday I had a really bad night. Really bad. Ringing all of my friends at midnight kinda bad. Having my best friend driving 45 min with my husband to come home because as soon as he'd answered the phone (the only one who did) I burst into tears. I ended up hurting myself (first time in nearly four years). It was a really bad night. I've only just started getting better, a week later. I was talking to Nova this morning and he gave me a big hug and said it was good to have me back because I'v been gone for so long.

I get afraid that there's something really wrong in my head, really really wrong. Then I remember that I'm just trying to survive this. I don't need to be perfect as well.

I'm afraid of telling my mum. She was so sad and upset when I told her about the depression. The rape would be worse. I'm scared too because after her work was robbed with violence, she had a really difficult time, and I found some stuff on her computer about advice for survivors and I'm really scared she's a survivor too.

Also erinjane, make the hot toddies. Rug up. Toast and soup. Let yourself be looked after for a while. Also your name = awesome (my little brother's name is erin).
kittenb
Wow, it seems like the group here is just having a time of it lately.

{{{{{ananke}}}}}

{{{{{everyone}}}}}
maddy29
hey peeps. i'm so happy because i thought bust was blocked at work but somehow i'm in smile.gif y ayyyy! it's kinda sad how much i missed everyone last week when i was bust-less.

anyways, i think this whole thing about our moms is so interesting. after i told my mom about the incest, she told me that when she was little a janitor had "groped" her and she just kinda put it away and didn't t hink about it. she also told me her neighbor would sit out (really old guy) on his lawn in his wheelchair and play with himself/expose himself to her and other kids. so weird, right? imean why hadn't she told me this before?

i think it's hard when you are close to your mom, to tell her you've been raped. we're afraid to burden our mothers, to make them feel guilty, or something. but really, i think most moms imagine about a zillion things that COULD be wrong with you, so it's weirdly a relief to know what the problem is, even when it's awful. for my mom, she'd wake up in the middle of the night wondering, searching, for what was wrong with me (she knew i was depressed and miserable but not why). She would sit up for hours just trying to figure it out, so even though it was so bad when i told, it was weirdly a relief for her-at least she didn't have to worry about me being pregnant, or a crackhead, or whatever else she was thinking....

ananke-so sorry about your bad night. good job for calling people though! i find that when i'm in that state i just need someone there to keep me from losing my mind completely or doing something crazy. i'm so glad you had people there for you. don't beat yourself up for hurting yourself though- you got through that night, and you are ok now.

i didn't smoke pot for two days last week, and i believed myself more in those two days than i have in at least a year. i even spoke a teeny bit about the "worst" stuff to my boyfriend-kind of in code because i'm afraid to even say stuff aloud. but it was a good reminder-oh yeah, THAT's why i like to stay a little stoned all the time, THAT's why i get so scared to give up pot....keeps me a bit confused and out of it and not sure what's real....

in a way though, it felt good to be connected to those old bad memories. i've been mega-doubting the group stuff, i have a ritual abuse memory and i've been doubting a lot lately, like i probably just made that up because that's how bad i felt inside, so i had to create a memory that fit that level of awfulness. but last week i was kinda remembering the memory, and it felt really real. gah.
deschatsrouge
I didn't want to tell my parents about being raped because I was trying to protect them. My therapist made the point that they have a right to be angry and sad too, it's called being a secondary survivor. She also said that it is normal to want to protect them, you love them.

I felt awful afer I told my parents about being raped, but I also felt better. I had carried it around with me, it was a dirty secret. Keeping it from them was like lying to them. It sucks beacuse now they know, now they worry. Now they know they can't protect you form the evil in the world like the really want to.

It's hard to not blame yourself for what happens after you tell the ones you love, they will react and try to make sense of the horror. If this means they get depressed or have an episode, you feel responsible. I realized I wasn't responsible, my dad was just reacting to the situation, not me. I know my parents love me beacuse they felt angry about what happened to me. After they knew, they understood some of the crazy things I said and did and they could be my support system.

Telling my parents was the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was the best descision I ever made.
knorl05
ananke: "I get afraid that there's something really wrong in my head, really really wrong. Then I remember that I'm just trying to survive this. I don't need to be perfect as well."

so profound. it's hard because you've dealt with so much that it is natural for you to have doubt or worry or emotional concerns.. just keep doing what you can to care about yourself and empower yourself. the confusion will subside.
deschatsrouge
I think most rape survivors think they are crazy. I know I've had those feelings.
datagirl
The last two nights have just been so traumatic for me.I don't know where to direct my anger.
The memories and disgust and guilt and just balling my eyes out not knowing who to talk too.Alone,completely alone.Depressed anger,depression,more anger.Does is EVER go away????????????????
I posted here a little while back about my incestruous molesting siblings.That's what they are and I was the one that received the majority of it.My sister was molestered by a neighbour,then she did the same thing to my brother then he did the same thing to me.I can't forgive either of them.It just seems so big and awful.
Like my siblings are defective and insane and I can't believe that I'm related to them.My sister told me that she had molested my brother and to be honest it's made things worse that she's told me.Like not only was my brother a monster who made me watch porn and all the other manipluative shit that goes with abuse,but she was just as bad if not worse than him.She started the ball of abuse rolling.SHE COULD HAVE RUN AWAY FROM THE NEIGHBOUR,WHY DID SHE GO BACK???? I had nowhere to run,it all happened in the famliy home.My brother was sepose to be looking after me while my parents were at work.


Thanks for the vent.But it's just really hard at the moment.
(((ananke)))(((erinjane))) (((all surviving busties that keep me semi sane.))))
erinjane
(((datagirl)))

I think we all know how you feel. I don't have much advice but to hang in there. Can you go smash some bricks like I like to do? tongue.gif Do you have a sexual assault crisis line, or just a crisis line in general you can call? I've used one in my city a couple of times and found it really helpful just to vent or cry to someone anonymous and out loud.
datagirl
Thanks erinjane,
Last night I called a crisis line a couple of times but they were engaged.
I'll try again tonight though.
The funny thing is,is that I wasnt suicidal and didn't want to clog up the phone line!!
I thought that the councellors might not understand and think that I was wasting their time.
Which only made me feel worse.Then when the line was engaged,I thought it was an omen.
The brick remedy sounds good too.Last night I wrote the most hate filled letter to my sister (which helped too).Then I went to bed and cried.I had some rescue remedy(bach flower essence) that seemed to calm me down a little as well.Today I just want to hide away.
deschatsrouge
(((datagirl)))

I don't think you are a waste of time. You are very brave for writing that letter. I hope writing it all down helps a little.

*sends healing vibes*
ananke
Where do you live in Oz Datagirl? If you need to you can call me, and I know a really great place in Brissie for counselling.
maddy29
datagirl, so sorry you are going through all of this. it's a total mindfuck, all of it. there's no way to make "sense" of it, even though we try.

writing letters is great! just pour it all out in there and let it go. i do this a LOT.

you DO NOT have to forgive anyone. don't even think about that now. someday forgiveness may come, but right now you are powerful in your anger.

as for your sister-why didn't she run away? i dunno-i mean why don't any of us run away or tell or do something? i always think "god, if i had just told my mom something, anything! i could've avoided so much of this." But I didn't tell anyone, i guess i believed his lies about what would happen if i told?

does it ever go away? i don't really think so. but it doesn't rule your life, it doesn't make you feel insane.....etc. It's amazing to me that I can still get THAT MAD about it, it's like geez, how many times do I have to be angry about this?

you are so brave for facing all of this and not running away! it's SO hard, but SO worth it in the long run.


(do your parents now know everything that happened to you three? they must be feeling horrified to, at all that was going on under their own roof...- just curious)
datagirl
To all surviving busties,thankyou for your advice and even just for replying to me.((()))
Maddy your post was so profound.I am alot better today.I just feel so disfunctional some times.
But here I can vent to my hearts content and other women inderstand.Thankyou.
Maddy,I told my mother last year that my brother had molesterd me and she was shocked,and we sat on the couch and cried.Then she said that she would never stop loving him or any of her kids no matter what they do.
Now she just acts as if nothing had ever happened and refers to my brother in kindly terms.I didn't spend xmas with my family (which actually used to be a happy time for us) last year and because of the huge blowout i've had with my sister this year,I wont be attending xmas this year either.My mother and father know that my sister was 'interfered with' (their term) by the neighbour because at the time my sister did tell my parents.They were going to go to the police when the neighbour said that he'd stop.So no charges were pressed.My sister wasnt councelled, nothing.When she was in her early thirties she had a mental breakdown and went into a mental hospital.My father doesnt know anything about what my brother did to me.My mother said she wouldn't tell him as he wouldn't believe it anyway.My parents don't know about what my sister did to my brother though.
I want my sister to tell my mother.I want all of us to get together and just ADMIT what happened and opologise for it.It would take a huge amount of courage though.My sister has offered her support in getting us all together,but then I had a huge fight with her about the guy she's going to marry so we're back to square one.
The fight about her fiance was just misdirected anger,I can't forgive her,yet.
maddy29
damn datagirl, seriously that is is nutso! it sounds like your family would really benefit from some family counseling sessions-because you all need to know the whole truth.

i can't believe your parents didn't do anything at the time about your sister, that is sooo awful! the neighbor said he'd stop? oh yeah, great idea to believe and trust a pedophile! what the fuckkkkkk??????

your parents are in major denial. mine were too, for quite a long time. they need to be told everything, confronted with it so they can't just put it away. they are just pretending everything is hunky dory, just like they did when your sister told them.

the reason you feel dysfunctional-you are actually the only sane one in your dysfunctional family-so yeah, that'll make anyone feel crazy. weirdly though, it just shows how sane you are!

if your sister is interested in having a group meeting, i say go for it. it's fine for you to be soo mad at her, but don't let that stop you from getting what you need. and this allneeds to be put out on the table. your parents need to hear it, and it'll probably be brutal and exhausting and harsh, but it's needed. it's like ripping off a scab of an infected sick wound-it'll hurt, but thenyou can get in there and disinfect so that it can heal properly.

i was thinking about you last night as i was falling asleep, and i forgot to tell you how amazingly courageous you are. you probably don't feel like you are strong and brave, but you are. you are facing this, not running away. that takes incredible strength-and i should know!!

ya know, when in first told my mom that my grandfather molested me, she basically went into shock. one of the first things she said was "well, i'm a christian woman and we believe in forgiveness" or something crazy like that. later she didn't even remember saying that. it made me so mad at the time, but she was really just in a state of shock.

you have every right to be mad at your sister, so please don't take this the wrong way- but i gotta say i really feel for her. she had the guts to tell your parents, and then nothing happened. that happened to my friend-she told her mom her step-father was molesting her and her mom said "i talked to him and it'll never happen again." well, of course it happened again-her mom had basically just told the step-dad that it was fine for him to do that! and it reallly fucked my friend up-maybe more than the actual abuse, but that her mom just didn't care enough about her to ditch the step-dad. so she grew up believing that nothing is more important than keeping your man, any man, no matter what. and she always dated total assholes who treated her like shit-cause that's what she learned.

anyways, just some thoughts.

datagirl
(((Maddy))) Thankyou so much for your advice and concern,your post helped me alot.
It's such a relief to be able to talk about this, albiet anonomously.It's good to know that I just maybe the only sane person in my family.The neighbour died a while ago.My sister found this out when she tried to contact him to confront him.So that made her regress the fact that she had no closure and no answers.
As to getting family counseling,my father would never do anything like that as he has no idea there are any problems.He just wants a peaceful life,he suffers from depression maybe even bipolar and at some point I even thought he may have a mild form of Assbergers Syndrome he was that cut off from everything and everyone.I'm not ready to talk to my sister about this again.
Just posting about this helps,but for now I'll just have to carry it around with me unfortunatly.
treehugger
Lord, help me. I'm having another angry day today. This really sucks. I keep thinking back to that fateful day back in 1982 and it just never seems to get better and I want revenge and I want to just be the kid that was wrenched out of me that day. I'm so ANGRY. I can't even talk about it. sad.gif

Does it never get better? I hate the people who did this to me. You can't carry hate around yourself that long, can you? I fear that I am going to go crazy.
erinjane
I dunno, treehugger. I'm only three years in. I feel like I need to hold on to my hate and anger, but I have no idea why.

(((treehugger)))

Maybe you need to go throw a brick like I like to do.
pollystyrene
(((treehugger, erinjane, datagirl, maddy, anake, dechatrouge))) Sorry I have nothing to add to the conversation, but consider yourselves hugged.
maddy29
yeah, i fluctuate between being ok and calm and accepting the past, and then 2 weeks later i'm just ENRAGED and totally want revenge, and i'm thinking of all the ways to hurt him, or get more information. then later i'll be ok again. i dunno, that's what i mean when i say, i don't think it ever really goes away. i mean, how could we ever NOT be so angry about what was done to us?

i've been feelign like a big loser with no friends lately, and of course i'm being all hard on myself, and just feeling like i've never fit in, etc. then i remember part of the reason why-is because i turned into a fucking zombie in 3rd grade and was totally detached from reality, i lost a lot of my little friends. so theni get sooo mad at my grandfather all over again, cause i see another thing he took from me.

i'm sorry you're feeling so bad treehugger sad.gif

i've actually been thinking about rage lately, because i get these feelings that are just so BIG that it literally feels that it would destroy me and everything around me to express it. my therapist once said that survivors all have "murderous rage". at the time it scared me, but now i'm really seeing how right she was/is. i just do'nt know how to express it in a safe way. it does feel like my brain will just shatter into pieces and i'll never be able to put it back together again.

i wish i could describe this feeling better. i'm working on just not pushing it away, and trying to sit with it and just feel it, instead of running away from it.
deschatsrouge
Maddy, your right about the whole murderous rage thing. I consider myself some what serene about the whole nasty experiance, but I still imagine my rapist being tortured and murdered. I hope he is in prison right now getting daily servings of what he gave me, and I fantasize about seeing him murdered in really graphic and horrible ways.

You know what? I cherish these feelings, I feel a sense of entitlement about them. I have seen and experienced true horror so I'm allowed to have violent thoughts and feelings. They make me feel better and I like them. When I want to have them I never deny myself, like giving myself a "being a survivor" treat.

I think my anger and refusal to forgive give, supply a feeling of power. I think these feelings of power and entitlement get me through the tough days. It also gives me a little strength so I can talk about it openly. I also think that cherishing my negative feelings and making them mine turned me from a victim to a survior.

I'm not like you guys, when I have tough days, I can't just come on here and spill my guts. Somthing inside me tells me constantly that I must live though it silently so I don't make any one uncomfortable. This is my private pain. No one, not even my therapist has heard the story, only me, him and goddess really know what happened. I intend for it to stay that way.

Being raped made me hard and cold. I don't like being made of stone, but at least I'm still here.
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