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treehugger
You know, I don't know why I'm feeling so raw lately. Just opening this thread today made me burst into tears. Just a bad time I guess. I have sooo much anger to the women who beat me. I mean, I have a permanent brain injury, and every time I have to take medication, every time I get a feeling in my head that I might have a seizure, I feel the rage again. And it's not even anything in my control. At least with the rape, people don't have to know if I don't tell them. But, with THIS...I could have a seizure in front of everybody I know and then my dirty secret will be out.

There's a bad thing about being brain injured. It brings about stereotypes. I like to think I'm intelligent...but it slowed down with this beating. I used to get flashes of genius...and that's been stripped away from me. Even my smile. I smile crooked now.

And its hard. I mean, I can't really talk about it. I mean, when people ask what's up and you say, "I was beaten to almost a coma state and jumped down a flight of stairs to get away when I was twelve...I mean, seriously.

I. Just. Hate. Being. Brain. Damaged. And I get so much anger and pain I can barely hold it inside. And when I go back to that town I'm constantly looking over my shoulder because if I see either one of those two BITCHES, I will make them pay.

And then I feel guilty because I'm just fantasizing about doing what they did to me.

As for the rage, Maddy, I know exactly what you're saying. My ex-husband had to physically restrain me on two occasions....because I would have committed murder. I was going to seek out these women and kill them. And not just that...I was also going to kill their children. Just to make them suffer.

And I know I should temper that statement to be politically correct...and believe me I'm a very politically correct person.....but in this case it just didn't work for me. When somebody takes something as integral as your BRAIN away from you....it's hard to forgive. It's an example of unfettered rage and its power. And I'm glad that I was restrained when it was at its strongest. And I'm glad its weaker now.

But it's not gone. Oh, no.
erinjane
QUOTE(deschatsrouge @ Dec 1 2006, 11:43 AM) *

Being raped made me hard and cold. I don't like being made of stone, but at least I'm still here.


I feel sort of the same way. It was right around that time that I stopped being able to tell my friends everything and share my true feelings. Instead I keep it all inside (or on the net) and end up feeling so isolated.
maddy29
(((treehugger))) that is so awful. you were left with not only the emotional shit, which is unbearable, but real physical stuff.

i can definitely relate to the fantasizing about killing him, in various ways smile.gif i think that's pretty healthy, actually... that is the appropriate reaction! sadly we can't act on it and they get away with soul murder, etc.



datagirl
Erinjane,Treehugger,Ananke,Maddy29,deschatsrouge, and all other survivors.I have read the recent posts and just want to tell everyone here how amazingly courageous you guys are.Sexual abuse and sexual assault happens everywhere in the world which makes me think that I can't keep this up.I can't keep this a secret to only my family.It needs to have a real bright light shone on the memories and the guilt and shame that goes along with it.
I'll be doing something normal like washing the dishes and suddently have a flash back.I could feel completely normal beforehand then comes the guilt and the horror about the fact that he made me do stuff that I could never have made up as a child.It's sick and totally abnormal.Then I worry that our family has some sort of incestuous gene and then I get incredibly depressed.It's not about forgiveness for me.It's about anger, incredible anger.I must always remember NEVER to turn my anger inwards.But I self harm.
Not regularly but I do and when I do,he wins and the big bad secret wins just a little bit more.
It's because incest and sexual abuse is such a big fat ugly taboo.So it gets shoved in the dark and only whispered about.This has effected my whole life.I think sometimes if this had never happened would I have been the famous songwriter living in San Fransisco.Not living in suburban Sydney on my own.Crying and being crazy.
maddy29
I hear ya datagirl, i always wonder "what if?" where would i be in my life right now if i hadn't had to take years out of my life to try to healfrom this shit.

and i agree about the light-we have to shine it right in all the dirty dusty corners. it's not our secret, it's the abusers. once it's all out in the open, it makes a huge difference.

kittenb
I never worry about the anger that I feel. What shames me is the fear. I consider myself a strong and independent woman but I still shiver in fear at the thought that someday he will see me ot I will see him and even though it has been about 25 years he will recognize me and try to approach me for something. I don't care if it ouwl be him asking me to forgive him or him just talking to me. The idea fills me with so much fear I feel ashamed.

tree-hugger - what you said...well I know there is nothing to say that will make the whole problem go away. But you said it so damn well I had to comment on it.

deschatrouge - I know where you are coming from. Been there, some days I still am.

maddy29 - I belive in you.

everyone else - {{{{{love}}}}}
deschatsrouge
QUOTE(maddy29 @ Dec 3 2006, 03:13 PM) *

and i agree about the light-we have to shine it right in all the dirty dusty corners. it's not our secret, it's the abusers. once it's all out in the open, it makes a huge difference.


*Gets on soapbox*

Exactly, That is why when some one askes me if I have been raped I say yes. Rapists want victims to feel shame, as long as the victim feels shame, he or she will remain quiet. I am all for making lots of noise about being raped. It gives the pain a face and a voice. When some one wants to have a dialogue about it I let them know that talking about it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable (even though i am a little bit) so they can ask questions and have a real conversation.

The last time I had a real conversation about rape was at the last take back the night. I was sitting around the table with some aquaintances and they were hesatant to ask me about my experiance. I appreciated the way they didn't want to offend me or bring on flashbacks, but at the same time their hesitancy to ask about it punctuated the culture of silence surrounding rape. I know they were being sensative about a delacate issue but I just wish shame wasn't a part of being raped. Car wrecks are traumatic and horrific but people aren't hesitant to ask about them. So I said "yeah, I have been raped, lets talk about it, lets talk about rape and what it does to you! That moment felt really good. I felt like I was beginning to tackle my own personal silence issues. Even though I need to fake my bravery, I feel it's the first step to the real thing.

I still need to work on not being ashamed about it, I need to get it in to my brain that it wasn't my fault. I need to remember that I am a veteran and deserve the highest honor. I think I need a button to wear that says "ask me about what it's like to be raped." I also think I need to go on a international speaking tour so I can conquer my silence issues and make some noise about other victims/survivors.

*Gets off soapbox*

Gosh, I am preachy aren't I?
maddy29
not preachy at all! i sooo agree with you. i just recently (last week) redid my myspace profile, and buried in there is one little sentence about incest. i felt toooootally panicked the whole night and next morning about it. about what people would think when they read that-esp since myspace is all about connecting with people from your past, so it's weird to think of people i went to high school with, knowing about this.

after i got through the initial panic, it felt fine. other people talk about being an alcoholic, or losing a parent to cancer, so i wrote about incest. it feels like a big deal to me, even though it's just a tiny little sentence. but i think it is important to NOT just keep hiding it and pretending.

i was thinking about screen-printing a shirt that said "incest survivor" and wearing it around as an activist thing. but i never did it because i just think it'd be so hard. i just can't imagine how people would react to it. or a "i was raped" t-shirt. it's like coming out-it's such a taboo subject and it's hard to talk about it becaues in my experience, people get this "deer trapped in the headlights look" about them and look panicked at the thought...


(p.s. to kitten-i was afraid of him for soooooo long, i can't believe i just am not afraid anymore. last spring, i actually called him on the phone-i was just planning to hang up if someone answered-but it was his voice on the answering machine, and it was so weird to listen to it. after that, i realized he's just a weak, pathetic old man who's going to die soon. )
datagirl
Im going into therapy,but this time Im going to do it properly.A guy just used me again and I feel like shit.
Like a smudge on the surface.I am so horribly depressed today and the memories are even stronger.
I just want someone to take it all away.
I have thought about suicide but im too chicken shit.This is just so bad and to top it off I'm at work,I have to pawn my (ex) engagement ring and I've put a deposit ($300) down for a piano I can't afford.Side effects.
So, hows everyone else?
treehugger
*WARNING*...long and possibly triggering....

Man. I'm having a really, rough night. My guy just doesn't "get" being with a survivor. He likes to sort of absentmindedly fondle me while we're watching TV.

(maybe I should mention, we've been together for ten years)

Anyway, he does this and it makes me feel all creepy-crawly because when I was in high school I had a "boyfriend" who'd do the same thing...and it always ended up with me laying on the floor crying while he fucked me. And I was brought up SOOOO old-fashioned and traditional that it never occured to me that I had the right to say no and I had the right to have control of my own body. Our families were friends...his parents hung out with my parents and they all were so proud of us because we were the cute couple, high school prom, gonna get married, all that.

And nobody knew the total crap I was going through...

You know the creases, where your legs meet your labia? I spent the better part of a year, with those creases cracked and split open from dry, forced penetration. It hurt like bloody murder when the elastic from the underwear would rub. And still I thought that was my "lot" as a woman. I was pretty full of self hatred (remember that I also felt damaged by the beating) and I was also hearing impaired and...

I was pretty much the outcast of my high school and as long as I kept up the facade that I was dating SOMEBODY I didn't feel like such a freak.

Until the day I drove myself to a suicide crisis center and stayed for two weeks....but still got out and mom and dad were...well anyway I ended up back in the relationship.

I plotted to go far, far away to college. Which I did; then I changed my number and didn't give the ex any information....just sorta thought I'd drop off the face of the earth as far as he was concerned.

I met a wonderful guy in college. Seriously wonderful. We got engaged. He always treated me with respect and tenderness and he "got" it about my past. So we drove back to the town I had grown up in to announce our engagement and were having a nice little picnic at a park.

The park had a one-way road going through it, which went around in a circle, eventually going back to the entrance. With wider spots here and there to pull over and park. Anyway, fiancee and I were sitting under a tree having a picnic and THE EX DRIVES UP. He saw us too late and couldn't stop in time, but I saw the front end of his car lurch down but there were cars behind him so he couldn't stop.

I grabbed my fiancee and ran for our car because I knew the ex would come back around the circle and I knew he kept a rifle behind his seat.

And the fiancee is all like "what's going on????" And I say, "LOCK THE DOORS!" So drove out. But the ex caught up to us and was right behind us bumping into the car. We got to one of those wide spots and he raced out and pulled around in front of us and cut us off. Then he jumped out of his car and started pounding on the car as hard as he could. And he punched the car window where I was sitting, as hard as he could. Amazingly the glass didn't break. He went back to his car and started digging around under his seat and I knew he was going for the rifle. At which point I squealed out, jumped the curb, almost ran over a couple who was sitting there and got out. He got back in and followed us...showing me the rifle through the window. I drove to the police station and we just sat there. That was enough to get him to leave.

So anyway...just sort of getting randomly fondled last night brought on all this shit. And the boy just doesn't get it...he says after ten years I should KNOW that he's not like that.

By the way, the ex died in a motorcycle accident several months after that incident.

Blech.

And now I'm all weepy and traumatized all over again and I have to go to work today and hold it together. I have some important things I pretty much HAVE to do today. I'm dreading trying to function and get through today.


(((((datagirl)))) I'm thinking about you. I hope therapy is helpful. But I totally know how you feel...and I'm sorry you're in such pain right now.
maddy29
treehugger, that is just so awful. i'm soooo sorry you had to go through all of that. it's just too awful.

"And the boy just doesn't get it...he says after ten years I should KNOW that he's not like that. "- you may KNOW that he's not like that, but when he does that, he's triggering you, and once you are triggered, you are just shit outta luck. this isn't about rational thought, this is about feelings, and what it reminds you of.

that's how i feel about tickling. i HAATE IT. my boy knows why but sometimes just kinda forgets and he'll tickle me and god i just can't STAND IT. cause it reminds me of my grandfather, who would tickle us and not let us get away, and gah i just hate it. i KNOW he's not my grandfather and is not going to hurt me, but sometimes i just flashback to that old crap.

i'm glad your ex is dead. he sounds mean and terrible and awful.

god treehugger, you've been through soooo much!

i mean really, if you connect the dots of your story- being fondled on the couch reminds you of years of being raped and of almost being killed. so, yeah, no wonder you don't like being fondled like that!!! fondled=raped/killed.

(((((treehugger))))))))

i hope you can get through today and then go home and collapse and take care of yourself.

(((datagirl)))

you are absolutely on the right track. you are doing everything you can do right now. all you have to do is take care of yourself, try to have some compassion for yourself, and maybe find some ways to soothe yourself. that's it. and, show up at your therapy appointment. you WILL get through this, even though right now death probably sounds pretty good. you WILL get through this hell.
kittenb
treehugger - ditto what maddy said. Yes, you know he's not like that but he needs to know that after ten years you do not like that.

Gah, I hate the random and unpredictable freakouts that get to be our lot in life. I guess everyone has them about something but still...

datagirl - I am so happy that you are giving therapy a go here. I hope it hepd you.

{{{{{hugs everyone}}}}}
deschatsrouge
((((datagirl)))

((((treehugger))))

I don't know what to say to help it feel better. I've Never been any good at that stuff.

Treehugger, if I were you I would give you man some pamphlets or somthing or have him talk to a rape crisis counselor so he can understand what you need from him. He is a secondary survivor and he needs to understand what that means. He needs to know that his beavior can have an emotional effect on you.

I'm really lucky, Mrs. Rouge is very aware of my triggers and always asks before initiating any intimate behavoir.

datagirl, good luck with your therepy. I hope you find a counselor who is a good match for you. Please do what you need to so you can survive. If that means buying a piano, I think you are worth it.

Last week I was having a really tough week, lots of emotional stuff and triggers. So I bought my self a sterling silver crown so I could be Deschatsrouge princess of puglia and everything else.
erinjane
QUOTE(maddy29 @ Dec 3 2006, 09:13 AM) *

and i agree about the light-we have to shine it right in all the dirty dusty corners. it's not our secret, it's the abusers. once it's all out in the open, it makes a huge difference.


Maddy, you're so smart. This was such a perfect articulation.

I haven't been to intimate with anyone seriously since I've been facing all this, but I've mentioned before about friends just not getting it. And they try, but they really don't understand what kind of support I'm looking for and that's really frusturating for me. A centre here has a nice little pamphlet for "friends and family of survivors" which is a really really good idea.
maddy29
some places will even meet a few times with the partner or friend or family member, to help them understand how to help the survivor, but also take care of themselves, and they talk about issues the survivor may be facing, etc.

thanks erin-i can't take credit for that image sadly smile.gif courage to heal maybe?

i think it's hard with triggers-i REALLY hate being tickled even for 1 second. and my boyfriend knows that, but for him it's just such a natural thing to reach out and tickle my belly or foot or whatever. i guess i have to talk to him about it again-i know he just forgets or else doesnt' realize that it makes me want to scream! it's such a small thing, but god i hate it. and tickling is one of those things where-yeah, i'm laughing or whatever, but not cause it feels good-so it's hard to laugh and then say stopppp!!!!!

it's so true about the random flip outs-it's so amazing to me still, that one second i'm totally fine, and the next second, literally, i am a crazy person who can NOT be reasoned with. last time this happened i flipped out on the boy because i was convinced that he hated me and didn't care about me because he didn't respond to my text message (he actually did respond but i didn't get it-he showed me later in his sentbox). anyways i ended up screeeeaming at him on the phone, and crying hysterically like someone had just died. at the time it seemed reasonable, and he kept telling me to stop yelling and that just made it worse. i realized i just needed to pop some xanax and try to fall asleep. in the morning i was sooo embarrassed. whoops! thank god he's so understanding...

treehugger
a little o/t but not really...you know what I just realized in these past few days while the stuff about my ex has been bothering me? If I think about it before I go to sleep I dream of my ex-husband! Which is NOT a bad/negative thing in my mind. In fact the dreams are quite pleasurable.....generally involving lots of sex in lots of different places.... wink.gif

(ex-hubby was the fiancee in the park situation)

Weird. I'm glad I dream of HIM rather than the evil devils spawn from hell. Although I probably jinxed it. Hope not.

I just hate the random flip outs, myself. The boy hasn't seen too many of them...I tend to keep them internalized. But, they stress me out that's for sure!

What really pisses me off about the whole situation is that it ruined my marriage. I was soooo angry and so in recovery that I just hated all men for a while and my marriage ended because of it. And I regret that. I do think we could have made it work. And I think we were good for each other and I had a good lover and a great companion and a wonderful friend in my husband. And he's gone, ya know? And I always think, "what if?"

And the boy now...damn. He's just one of those really, really strong personalities (Leo) and I don't think he'd be really receptive to somebody else telling him ANYTHING. I think I need to just sort of do some of that positive/negative reinforcement stuff. Seriously.

Although, I'm sure I wouldn't be where I am today, as independent a woman as I am, HAD I stayed married, either. So maybe it's for the best. Who knows?

Datagirl, are you out there? Are you okay? How are you?
datagirl
((Treehugger)))
Hiya,
I had my piano delivered today.All the way up fifteen very steep steps to my apartment.I've played it all day.I have loved my talent and the opening up of a part of my brain that I had hidden away for far too long.
I'm now ready for the songs to come.I want to write about this.I want everyone to know how hard it is to live with this.I identify with Tori Amos and Fiona Apple.Both had parts of there being taken away by rape,and both have had to crawl back to the very creative essence that keeps women sane,during insane times.
((((((survivors))))
We are STRONG!!!
kittenb
Woohoo! You go Datagirl! Let us know if you have any music to share.
treehugger
Datagirl, that's SO great! When you make a CD I'll be first in line to buy it! Way to go! smile.gif What a great way to express yourself.
maddy29
hey all. i'm having a blaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh day. 2.5 hours to work. crap. boss gets upset when i'm late or miss, and i feel bad/guilty, but grrrr sometimes i just don't care! i mean i care and i feel bad but i don't need her "You know this is wrong" i already feel bad lady! i mean, i let her know this a.m. and i told her i'd take sick time. but god forbid anyones feelings get in the way of their totally unimportant job!

had a bad dream last night, it was like my subconscious was just screaming at me. now i just feel awful. like if i move or breathe i'll burst into a million pieces. had a great weekend, feel like my life is finally moving in the right direction. but damn, a dream can just knock me right on my ass.

i need to try to reconstruct the dream, but ya know how when you don't want to know something? and your brain will just kinda play keep away? gah. something about being asleep- and how if i don't talk about certain things, that means i'll always be partially asleep. that's all i can get to right now, but it really upsets me a lot.

oh also, the dream i DO remember, my boyfriend and i were having sex, fun good times. but then w'ere done and he's kinda looking at me, and he's looking sad, and says something like "i just, i just don't understand why you can't come." and he was sooo sad and disappointed and then i'm feeling AWFUL because i feel the same fucking way and i'm just so frustrated! (basically, no matter how much fun i'm having or whatever we're doing and no matter how much i want to, i can't ever come)

phew. bleh.
kittenb
What a rotten sucky day, maddy. Take care of yourself.
datagirl
I met a guy on the net again.Slept with him the same night (Sunday).We were drinking.I was so sick with a hangover (Ive had a drinking problem for a long time) I had to have yesterday off work.After the awsome weekend of having my piano delivered and getting all these musical vibes,I let some guy take advantage of me.
So in desperation I rang my therapist (she specialises in rape and incest and should win a nobel peace prize)
She told me that I should commit to therapy instead of quitting all the time.I go a few times then start to feel better then I stop.So she gave me the number of this organisation that does group therapy and it's very intensive.Like a liver cleanse for the soul.I've booked myself in.But I will be seeing my therapist to debrief with.I've only ever done one on one therapy but this is sort is like a marathon course.I was wondering why,after having so much pleasure with my piano did I go out get drunk and sleep with a stranger let alone let him in my apartment (which in itself is very scary).The councellor said that the abuse that I suffered as as child had programed my brain into rejecting any type of good feelings and even if I did have them I felt bad for it.Hence the punishment with the alcohol and letting a complete stranger use me.
This is very fucked up but a little clearer.I started crying on the phone and the councellor took me through some deep breathing excercises to calm me down.I can vaguely see myself healing from this....but it's going to take time and sobriety.
kittenb
Your therapist sounds like a very smart woman. Good luck. We are here for you.
treehugger
((((datagirl))))

I'm glad that you called your therapist. I went to group therapy, two different groups about a year apart and it helped a LOT to hear other's people's stories and to hash it all out. In a way this thread is sort of like group therapy...only slower paced.

Another thing that helped me on the path to recovery was, after all the therapy and stuff, I volunteered at a women's resource center, for sexual assault survivors and battered women. That was way helpful for me because I felt like I was giving something back, somehow.

You know, I also drink too much, to the point of where I don't know if I have a "problem" or not. I don't get hangovers and don't really get falling down drunk or anything...but I'd guess I drink about a sixpack every evening. And on the weekend I open my first beer around noon and keep slurping em down till I go to bed. Not good for the weight!

Anyway, datagirl, I'm thinking about you and sending you well wishes and hopes for serenity.
maddy29
so glad y'all are here. still in a bad place, bleh. that dream just totally kicked my ass. i feel like i have to at least write it down or something.

so, i'm at my grandparent's house (site of abuse) and i'm an adult, and people are just sitting around talking, etc. then there is this person there who is like a mentor to me, who i listen to and respect a lot (she's my supervisor at work, and it was kinda her,a nd then kinda not, ya know how it is in dreams). so we were talking, and it was about the "anal sex"-that's what we were calling it, or alluding to, but i knew that it was really about the "ritual abuse" for some reason in the dream it was anal sex.

anyways, this woman (my supervisor or whoever) is telling me that i have to talk out loud about "it" and i'm saying no, and then she says "if you don't talk about it, part of you will always be asleep." andi was verrrrry upset. i woke up feeling awful depressed crazy bleh.

writing it out, i'm like huh? why did this upset me SO MUCH? i mean i have crappy ass survivor shit dreams all the time, why did THIS one bug me so much.

i feel like i'm getting my life back together finally. i just started volunteering to play with kids at a domestic violence shelther, signed up for a class (free through work!). i've been working hard to cut back on the pot, work out more, be more social, etc etc etc. and i'm doign a great job. but there is always this part of me that's like "well, what about....."

so i think my dream meant, sure, you can avoid it and pretend it's not real or whatever i want, but part of me will always be missing. so i'm supposed to talk about it? it feels so unreal to me. when i talk about it i immediately dissociate and get spacey and very upset. and, there's not much to say, cause i can't remember much. it just hurts and makes me feel awful and like i don't know how to function in a world where those things happen.

i don't even believe myself anyways! and that's probably the biggie. i've just been letting most of it lay dormant, trying to pick up the pieces of my life and make a good life for myself NOW, in the present. instead of focusing SO much in the past. i just don't know how to balance creating a good life for myself now, and talking about/healing from the past. i feel like it's either/or, like i can't do both.

*Might trigger, please don't read any further unless you want to read details about sexual abuse*















So, I feel like I can accept my grandfather "fondling" me or whatever. Because I know that he did that to my cousin when she was 12. So I feel like it's validated that he's a creepy sick perv. But the other memories I have, I'm just so confused.

-being raped in my bed.

-him taking pornographic pictures of me (he was a photographer, developed his own stuff)

-later seeing pictures of myself in a magazine type thing with other kids

-being raped with his gun (didn't know he had a gun, later when i told my mom about this memory and described the gun, she confirmed that he did have an antique gun that was supposed to be left to my dad in his will)

-him taking me to some basement place where there were other kids and people ( what i refer to as ritual abuse-i asked someone online about the ceremony that i kept seeing and drawing, they said it sounded like a typical RA thing, i figured i'd made it up from watching or reading about it. the woman online said that that same thing happened to her and asked if my abuser was a freemason. i said no. later my mom told me that he was a mason. ]

-then one where i'm maybe 12? and there are other men in the house?

everything is a big fucking jumble. i remember one time when my grandparents stayed with me and sister while mom and dad were out of town. i was 8, in 3rd grade. i woke up one morning and my grama was there-she said i had gotten sick in the night and she was cleaning it up, and that i wasn't going to school that day. i have NEVER puked in my sleep, and i had NO idea what she was even talkign about. i wasn't sick that day, and in fact she took me out to kmart to shop with her, and bought me a my little pony.

i feel like, in my desire to know what happened, i just created things. i just don't know. i'm so confused.

i feel crazy. i wish someone could just open up my brain and tell me what's going on in there.

maddy29
ah, i feel so much better. It's really amazing, because when I feel that bad, i can't imagine EVER feeling better. i asked my boyfriend to come over last night and sleep over. i was really depressed and almost changed my mind and told him not to come. but i'm so glad i had him come over. i always deal with this stuff alone. this way, he was there to keep me from spinning off into crazyland.

i was able to be spacey and out of it and randomly crying and he was just chillin' with me. i'd start talking about something and he'd listen, and then i'd stop and space out and he wouldn't bug me, he'd just wait. it was so amazing! he snuggled me and hugged me, and patted my head. and he really really listened. i was able to talk out a few things, and it was so great. usually when i feel like that i just spin out into spacey crazy land, and spiral downward into depression. but this time was different. i feel like i got unstuck.

i talked out a bunch of concerns about denial. about me being crazy and making things up. as i was talking, i just had this very vivid image of me workign sooo hard to push this stuff out of my mind. i realized i'm fighting it, which is exhausting. and, no matter how far or fast i run, it'll always be there, knocking to get in.

this sounds weird, probably, but i just finally "got it" about my denial. it's just protective. it's just disbelief that people can really be THAT bad. but they are, i mean every day we hear horrible awful things in the news, so why am i doubting these awful things that happened to me? people can really be THAT BAD and do evil things. i spend so much time saying "no, that couldn't have happened, that's just so crazy!" but people do crazy things all the time!

anyways, i hope i didn't trigger anyone with my email yesterday, it was really great just to be able to put that all out there-get it out of my head.

whew. i spent some time on twhj.com yesterday and it really helped to read about everyone's denial system, and how protective it is.
kittenb
maddy - I am so pleased that you shared all of that. Ritual abuse is something that is so misunderstood and not talked about it takes a tremendous amount of courage to mention it. If you would like to know more, I have communicated with the doctor who runs this site Let the Truth Be Known, and she seems really cool. I'll warn you though that is is a ton of information and it may put pictures in your head that will be hard to accept.
Good luck, we believe you. I have known a few RA survivors and they are wonderful people as are you.
maddy29
thanks smile.gif it's confusing, because i only remember 1-2 ceremony type things. most people were involved with it over longer periods of time. i don't know how common it is to just have a few incidents with it? who knows, i'll never know...grrrr.

i'll check out that site, although yeah, i have to be careful about what i read and see because that makes me doubt my own memories more...

maddy29
dang, quite a site! i've read a lot from svali-she escaped from the cult-she was a high level programmer.

i don't relate to most of the stuff, cause for me it wasn't really "ritual" abuse. meaning that it didn't happen on certain dates, etc. i mean, i didn't live with them or near them, my parents weren't involved, etc. it was just when i went to visit my grandparents in the summer...so i guess for me it feels more like a separate traumatic incident, rather than what most people have which is years of programming, multiple "parts" (DID-multiple personalities).

it feels very weird to talk about it, even online.
treehugger
Maddy, I am glad you are able to talk about it. I actually read your post yesterday but my internet connection was squiggy and I got bumped offline before I could reply! (grrrrr)..

Anyway, WOW. You've been through a lot too! I was thinking about you all night last night and wondering how you were doing. Like I said, I'll listen and I'm glad you're able to talk about it.

erinjane
Hmm...i was doing pretty good since the confrontation but all of a sudden this week i've been raging again. Just bitterly angry.

And it gives me immense satisfaction to know that he's still a loser...he was writing a weekly column in the city's number one paper but was fired for essentially making up a story and printing it. I have a whole great blog entry I stumbled across about him I'm reading through right now that calls him out on all the stupid shit he's done and I'm so vengeful and smug about it.
maddy29
ej-i love that he's a big failure smile.gif that totally helps.

thanks to everyone for reading my posts. i'm doing a lot better. it's weird. i think this stuff really goes in cycles, so that it feels like the same old shit coming up, but it's always a little bit different.

right now i'm working on breathing and just being with the knowledge that yes, bad stuff happened. i'm not crazy, bad stuff really happened. and i dno't have to push it outside of my head. my brain does feel on overload, and i feel totally overwhelmed with the thought of doign anything, really.

it's hard though. i'm skipping work today. boss will be sooo mad. but sometimes this is just more important. i feel like i'm going through life or death shit, and my boss gets soo mad. it just feels very surreal sometimes, like really, how am i supposed to care about showing up on time when i'm struggling with this kinda stuff? ya know? this is the whole REASON i don't have a big important job, or even a little important job. i'm a research assistant. i sit on my butt all day. it's not like i'm missing heart surgery or something then i feel sooo guilty about it.

thank god i have 3 buffy episodes on tape to watch! that's like comfort food for me.
datagirl
Maddy,I hear ya regarding work.I skipped a day this week (hungover,one night stand,feeling slightly crazy)
I felt so bad and it's xmas too and I AM the orders dept.So If I'm away someone has to take up the slack which can make me feel even worse.We need to take days for ourselves sometimes.Work would never suffer as much as we could.

I got the info for the intensive therapy course.And it's pretty daunting.To be able to start healing I'll have to tell everyone there what happened.This I know will be liberating.Sometimes I feel exctited and proud of myself for finally taking steps to get rid of the horror and guilt associated by this.Other times I wonder what I'll do with my life once I finally get free of all this.What if I do heal completely?I have lived life with this 'history'and tag of being a survivor for so long and in a sick way it's a very fucked up part of me.What if I no longer am a survivor but a young woman ready to get on with life without any hurdles??
What if I can talk to my brother and sister without hating them??Hmmm that last sentence seemed a little premature.Anyway,i guess my point is,is that I want to enjoy life,music,food without feeling guilty or that I don't deserve it or anything.I'm over feeling worthless and trapped,having so many anxieties and phobias.Becuase of my siblings.....because of OTHER PEOPLE I remain in bondage.I still have to write both of them a letter though.I might discuss this with a therapist at the course.I am looking forward in this change in direction and finally nurturing myself.
maddy29
YYYYAAAAAYYYYYY datagirl! i'm so impressed with all you are doing. it's such hard work, but so worth it. even though my week was shitty, i know it's all still worth it. therapy will be tough, but it's amazing how much it can help.

i totally know what you mean about being used to just surviving. weirdly, you can get used to the rush of having all this chaos in your life, and then when things are quieter and better, it can be scary, somehow.

i'm a little stoned, so that might not have made any sense smile.gif i slept and/or was stoned all day. i'm planning to get sloppy drunk tomorrow night. i just feel like my mind needs to stop thinking. i know that's not so healthy. i'm trying to keep breathing and validating myself.

i'm really acknowledging how much a part of this my grandmother was. i used to make excuses for her, like oh she was dependent on him, and in those days women had fewer options, and maybe she was scared of him, maybe he abused her, etc etc. but she really participated in the abuse, in that she totally enabled him. she KNEW what he was doing and she cleaned up after him. i think she's pretty evil too.

when my dad was little, like 3-4 years old, they would just "put him out" of the house during the day. just like, "ok, go on now." they'd drink all day and who knows what....and my dad would be out on the streets of this smallish town, marching aroudn with his dog. he'd explore, and go visit his old retired friends who'd feed him or let him hang out. that is so insane to me, i babysit a 3.5 y.o. and he's a baby! no way can he go outside alone. that takes a special kind of crazy to let your kids do that. they had me walk down the to liquor store when i was 7, because they were out of tonic. my parents didn't even let me go out by myself, unless i was right there in the neighborhood....

rambling....

datagirl-i love this "Work would never suffer as much as we could." that is so true, andi have to remember that. i want to be responsible, cause i suck about that, but i also do have to take care of myself.
datagirl
(((Maddy))))
Thankyou.I love the support that we give each other here. smile.gif
I know totally what you mean about being sloppy drunk though.I have done it countless times.The same reasons that you are doing it too.To not have to think,and rationalise and remember.Somehow the memories have a habit of showing up ten fold when I'm drunk though.You've been remembering some horrific stuff this week Maddy.Please maybe think about what you have gone through.Alcohol will stem the flow of pain temporarily but thats all it will do.I only say this because I have done this ALOT..........and it never got me anywhere,but then you are an adult and the decision is yours.Ok,I'll step down from my soap box now smile.gif

A bit of news.........my mum called today to see how I was.
I told her about the therapy program I'm going to do.I have her support which is great.
I then told her that my sister had molestered my brother.I just came out and said it.She was totally disgusted,surprised and she just couldnt believe that children (or pre teens) could do that to each other.She already knows about me being molestered by my brother.
I then asked her why she hadn't done anything when my sister told her that the neighbour had molestered her and her friend.My mother told me today that she did.She went to the neighbour and his wife and confronted him (which I already knew).He told her my sister was lieing.Then my mum told the neighbour that she was going to the police.The next day the neighbour came to my mums place and told her he would involve a lawyer/solicitor.So he was prepared to stand up in court and say that it was all a lie.It was at this time that my mother tells me that my sister and her friend told my mother that they had made the whole thing up.That is was just a game they were playing.My mum went mad at my sister telling her what a crazy thing to do to someone.I think that my sister got so scrared with all the police and lawyer stuff that she simply couldn't go through with anything more.So there was no evidence.Even the victims were denying it.
I still believe that he did molester them.I believe my sister.But after this whole thing my sister still kept going back to the neighbours house.My mother said that this was probably a power thing she was the eldest out of all the kids in the street and she was a bit of a bully.I still don't understand it though.
So my mother is going to confront my sister and wants me and my siblings to talk it out and to maybe get some clarity.I think I might be ready for this.I've come this far.Somehow filling my mother in today of all the blanks has lessened the pain and the why's and how's.I'm glad my mother knows.But she still needs some time to process it.Like I did a few months ago when my sister told me.I feel bad for my mum though.I feel like Ive put too much onto her.I don't blame her AT ALL but as my mother she had to know.
I spent the whole day with her today and have just come home after having dinner with my parents.I know I did the right thing.But like everything it will take time.
kittenb
datagirl - I thought about this all night before I could reply. In your post, you wrote:
QUOTE
What if I do heal completely?I have lived life with this 'history'and tag of being a survivor for so long and in a sick way it's a very fucked up part of me.What if I no longer am a survivor but a young woman ready to get on with life without any hurdles??


Well, I have been a survivor for years and I don't think there is anything fucked up about my connection to that term. Before I am misunderstood, what you wrote didn't offend me but it really made me think. Maybe there are people who have been raped and are able to heal and go back to their "normal" lives, but considering the age that I was at the rape it didn't change me, it shaped me. I have known for years that my most significant male relationship has been with the buy who raped me. And, well, that is fucked up, but I am a survivor. I have chosen to focus my life to working with other people who have been raped and help them on their journey.

I filled out a survey here and one of the questions asked is "When did I know I would be okay?" or something like that. I had to laugh a little and in my response I just said "Can I let you know when I get there?" I have a good life and I am mostly happy but rape isn't like the flu. I will never just "get over" it. My anger will always be there. My drive to help others in similar situations will always be there. There will never be a day in my life when I am not a rape survivor. And I have made peace with that fact. That is why I choose to stay active in survivor communities instead of "moving on" or however some might see it. (BTW, the site I filled this survey out on is really cool and the ladies who run it are very nice if you would like to submit a story.)

Speaking of anger and stuff, I found this great song on MySpace. It is explicitly angry but made me feel very good.
Here it is.

ananke
I'm doing a lot better now. There's such a huge difference between the way I approach affection when I'm sick and when I'm well. For months I've been pushing Nova away and not even realising it. He's said a few times recently that he's glad I'm back - glad I'm talking again, hugging him again.

That said we were making out last night and I said we had to stop because I had cramps and any sort of arousal makes them worse. He got all flustered and I got a bit confused. Turns out that he's been thinking that when we make out I'm just going along with it, because to him if we don't have sex (penetrative of otherwise) then I'm not turned on. So we had a bit of a discussion about that - I need to control my arousal, because my rapist used it against me. There are levels of arousal that trigger me. So I need to be able to say stop and mean it. Which has meant that's what I've done lately, just to remind myself and make myself believe that I can say stop and it will be okay.

Datagirl - do you mind sending me that info about the healing stuff? I sent you a PM a while back.
deschatsrouge
Did every one get through the holidays okay?
maddy29
i'm doing ok. i actually had fun at home. i mean, it's still weird and stressful in some ways, but more like in normal ways-like sleeping in this teeny bed and having my niece and nephew wake me up and want constant attention, etc. no flashbacks or anything. for me it was good, being back in my old room.

i don't know if i wrote about this before, but it had really hit me how much a part of this my grama was, although she didn't abuse me herself. and being in my old room just reminded me of that time, really vividly. but it was just validating to me, so it wasn't too bad.


i dunno, i also for the first time felt more "normal". i'm so used to being in this dark depression where i'm not really living in the world with everyone else, and now it's been a few years, and i just keep moving more and more into the world, and it's pretty cool. it's scary, reality is scary to me, but it also has it's rewards. i'm a bit stoned and rambling, sorry if this made no sense.

how are others doing?

ananke, i sooo get what you mean about different levels of arousal being triggering, i'm finally starting to understand that within myself. when i feel aroused, i immediately want to orgasm and be done with it. it's hard for me to tolerate just feeling turned on for a long time. but i'm working on it, and it's fun....
ananke
That's exactly it Maddy! Nova loves the long leisurely fuck but I'm carrying baggage from the ex (if I don't come now, he will and I won't get to) AND from the rape. We're working on it, but I just don't feel like it's a big deal. So it doesn't get worked on as much as anything else.
notwearingwords
hi. I'm new. I've been reading these pages for hours now and I don't really know any of you, but I can't turn off my computer, I can't just walk away. I think it's great that this forum exists. I just don't know what to say. It's like, I've been waiting my whole life to get someone to get me, to understand what I'm going through, but I never really do, and now, reading this, I feel connected to you all, and I want to talk but I don't know where to begin. Is that creepy? I feel almost like I'm invading your personal conversation or reading your diaries or something. I've never even written about this stuff in my own diary, out of fear of actually going through with killing myself and having someone find it. I have to admit, reading these pages both comforts and terrifies me. I imagine most of you are probably older than I am, and I don't like to think I'll be this haunted forever, but I have to admire you all for writing the unspeakable and living all these years.

I'm sorry if I don't make much sense. I'm kind of a mess. I quit my job. I haven't left the house in weeks. I haven't gotten dressed. I haven't cooked. I feel like I wish I were feeling like a zombie. My therapist, who I waited on a waiting list for 8 months to finally see, gave me an ultimatum a few months ago, to get help and get put on some medication or I couldn't go back. She was afraid to delve into this mess and send me home a wreck every week. She said I needed to manage my anxiety before we could move forward.

In my head, I know she's right. But I am more afraid to be on meds again than I am of losing her as a therapist I guess, because I can't make myself do what she asked. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I know my fiance would be devastated. She is the only thing holding me together and I can't even let her into these walls I've built around myself. She doesn't get it. She tries, but I can't talk to her. Not about this. She's a crisis counselor for teens and I always feel like she's analyzing me, treating me like a case, talking to me like a child when I tell her what's going on in my head. Then, later, when she's crying in our bed, I feel guilty for causing her pain. So I shut her out. I know I run the risk of losing her too, but I almost wish she would leave, just so I could end this hell.

He had a baby this summer. My dad's half-brother. I can't wrap my mind around this. I feel like such a stupid hypocrite. I'm studying to become a lawyer. To work for women who are victims of domestic violence, rape, and molestation. How can I do this job when I never reported my own perpetrator? How can I tell them it's the right thing to do, while he's starting a family? I've tried to transform my victimself into a survivor. I preach to all the women about being strong and speaking out and fighting back. I'm at the top of my class. I intern for V-DAY and email women around the world every day to help them with their stuggles and obstacles bringing The Vagina Monologues to their towns and cities and countries and I am a great big fake. I can't even cry anymore. I just sit here and pray to deities I don't believe in to strike me dead because I don't even have the courage to do that.

I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm even here. I just found it and now I'm more nuts than I was when I started this.
ananke
Welcome notwearingwords! Nice moniker.

I was reading a fantastic book today* that I think would be great for academically inclined survivors, particularly those of us with a feminist bent. One of the things she said was "but we need not speak for other survivors in order to speak with them." You don't need to do stuff to make it right. We deal with 'right' every day. You need to do what it takes for you to survive. You're here, speaking with survivors. You don't need to risk yourself to fit a mould of 'what survivors should do' just because you're working with survivors who have taken that step, or made that choice.

One of the other things she spoke about was the anti-empathy for trauma survivors (particularly rape survivors) as a cultural thing. So the more of us out there, being who we are (or not even out there, just being who we are) the better. You survived. You are surviving.

*Aftermath: violence and the remaking of a self by Susan J Brison
notwearingwords
thank you.

that book sounds really interesting, I am going to read it. Thanks again.
maddy29
hey there notwearingwords. sounds like you are in total hell, really. i remember that time, i still have nightmares about that time. the years of depression, anxiety, ptsd, jumping at every little sound, panic attacks that drain the life out of me, etc. it was literally hell. i wanted to die, but i had people who loved me, so i couldn't.

a couple of things:
1. you are sooo not invading our space! this is YOUR space! please come and write and blab or ramble even if you don't think it makes sense (i do that a lot) smile.gif

2. i toooootally get that fake self thing. i used to be a therapist, ha ha, when i was going through my worst. i got a master's in social work and then worked as a therapist for about 1.5 years. it was totally insane. i had to act like i was all together, when all i really wanted to do was die. i finally realized that i had to take care of myself first, even though i felt really guilty. you aren't a hypocrite, you are someone who cares about others and wants to make it better for them. which is great, but first you gotta make it better for yourself.

3. it sounds like some meds might really help, just to get through right now. it sound slike you've been on meds before though, did they not work, or what? i resisted meds for so long, and even though i still don't like being on them, i'm glad i don't feel sooooo awful anymore.

4. i never reported my grandfather either. and i still encourage everyone else to tell smile.gif i could have reported him several years ago, when the statute of limitations was still in effect, but i was in that hell place, so how was i supposed to go through this awful court battle while i was in that place? now, i'd love to report him, but it was 20 years ago, so there's nothing anyone can even do at this point.

5. ewwww about him having a baby. i feel so bad for that baby. isn't it crazy that these evil people just go on and keep living their lives, while our lives get stopped short. it really does make me insane to think about my grandfather hanging out in florida, probably leering at all the little grandkids that visit the other old people in their retirement community.
notwearingwords
Thank you maddy29. I really don't know which end is up anymore. I can't understand why this is happening to me now. It started when I was six, lasted six years, he lived in our house. My family has no clue. My parents kind of figured I must've been raped by some stranger in the sixth grade, because I've blocked out the whole year and have been in and out of hospitals and on and off of meds for the past two years or so. I was fine in between though. after it stopped, I was just a regular kid, finding myself, finally making friends, doing regular teenage stuff, trying to date boys, which turned out to be pretty hopeless. I guess that triggered me a little.
I attempted suicide at 16, got put on endless combinations of meds and actually got a lot worse on them, which started a worse cycle of self-mutilation, eating disorders, promiscuity and desperation. Eventually, after a couple of years of trying every anti-depressant and anxiety suppressors and countless therapists, I gave up on all of it, pulled myself together and moved on with my life. I got over missing out on Barnard, the college I was dreaming of, got into, and couldn't go to because of my mess. I went to community college, moved out of my parent's house, met the woman of my dreams, transferred to a four-year school, we moved into our first beautiful home together this year and recently got a puppy. We've been engaged for two years, and recently found out we can get married here in New Jersey instead of Canada. I'm full of dreams and ambition, I juggle a million organizations and events, all involving women or gay rights, I have some great professors even though I'm not in the Ivy League as I had planned, and I was starting to think it might be better, because I am able to really stand out at this school in way I may not have been able to otherwise.
Then, the whole world comes crashing down around me and makes me question everything. I woke up one day, last year, unable to speak or write my own name. I was in the hospital for weeks, being scanned and tested for brain tumors before the doctors gave up and said I had conversion disorder. My mind couldn't handle anything else, so it shut me down. I couldn't communicate at all for two months and then I started being able to stutter out a few sentences, but it took me forever. I had to run into people I knew from high school, who were naturally shocked to see the girl who finished high school a year early and was going to go to Barnard running around sounding crazy. Even my parents talked to me as if I were suddenly retarded, just because I couldn't speak properly. It was hell. It eventually got better though, I can speak normally now, but I do sometimes stumble over my words, which is something I never used to do. I just can't pull myself out of this. It all ended nearly 10 years ago. That's almost half a lifetime, I just turned 21. I'm afraid to get back on meds, because if I get the tiniest bit worse, I really will kill myself and I know I have everything to be happy and excited about, a million things to look forward to and live for. I just can't enjoy them because I'm completely engulfed in flashbacks and insomnia. sometimes i take a xanax if the panic gets really bad, I still have tons of meds left from the last time I tried them, but nothing ever really helped. I'm glad I found this group though. Something about the anonymity makes it easier to share than in group therapy, or even single therapy, because I don't have to say it out loud, don't have to look at anyone.
maddy29
wow, conversion disorder..i had a client who had seizures, basically, except that there was no physical basis for them. she had all the tests, etc, and finally they said "it must be stress."

when i first started remembering, i had a few weird little black out things-went to the neurologist, nothing physical, just "stress." it's amazing what our bodies do when we can't take it anymore.

i am so glad that you have so much good stuff in your life. isn't it weird how bad we can feel, despite the good stuff?

i really do believe that you have to talk about what happened. talk, or type, or whatever-but i think a huge part of healing is telling others and getting their support. i've been thinking a lot about healing, and i think that the support network is SO important and vital. if you, as an adult, are raped, no matter waht that's awful. BUT, if after it happens you can go home and call someone and have them come over take care of you, listen to you, help you with the police call/report, make you toast and tea, call your boss to tell them you won't be in this week, etc etc, i think healing would be SO MUCH faster.

most of us just stay silent and tell no one. most of us don't have that kind of great support network. there is so much shame and stigma around it. but think about-if you were hit by a drunk driver, there'd be no shame. you could talk about it, rage about it, press charges, etc.

i think the stigma, shame and silence around sexual violence really allows it to continue. not blaming us! but i think that people can heal from awful things pretty well, given that they have a lot of support. because it is life or death.

so, your parents still don't know what really happened? i'm a bit confused, are you 21 now? or were you 21 ten years ago when you were on meds and stuff?

i so get what you're saying about kind of losing a decade or so of your life, not being where you thought you'd be. my surviving/healing took so much out of me, and my life. i used to avoid anyone from home or the past becasue i was so embarassed to be this obviously depressed, unhappy, crazy girl. i'm finally getting better, but i'm still "just a research assistant." life is definitley not what i thought it'd be.

datagirl
(((Survivors)))

I start my course tonight.I'm a bit apprehensive.I don't really know the actual course structure.My therapist said that It would be really helpful to do.We have to bring a photo of ourselves up to the age of eight.I went looking in some old photo albums last night and became quite emotional.There are photos there of my brother and sister with me as a baby.I just got thinking that this was all before my sister was molestered and my brother and me.Clean slate.It made me really sad........
notwearingwords
maddy29, I am 21 now, but it's been almost 10 years since the molestation and rape stopped, when I was almost 12. I started with the meds when I was 16 and stopped when I was 18. My life started looking up again but then I just broke down and the conversion disorder started last year and I've been a pretty big mess since then. I try to keep really busy, but I've had too much time on my hands, with winter break and quitting my job, which just makes it easier for me to fall of the face of the earth and never leave the house.

My parents never knew what was going on. My uncle lived with us from when I was 6 until I was 12 and it was going on the whole time, every night. I had ulcers, and I was sick a lot as a kid. I have Epstein Barr so my immune system kind of sucks. My parents are good people, but I had a lot of misplaced anger and resentment toward them as a teenager, for not saving me, for not seeing it. They thought I tried to kill myself at 16 because my boyfriend had broken up with me. Turns out I'm gay, lol. The only reason they know anything at all is because last year when I was in the hospital with the conversion disorder the psychiatrist told them that it's like extreme Post Traumatic Stress and my mom and my sister looked it up on the Internet and started asking questions and gathering clues. My mom never talks to me about it, ever, but it has completely consumed my dad, and I avoid talking to him as much as I can because every time I do he cries and begs me to tell him who it was. He and the rest of my family think someone raped me once when I was 11 or 12, because I still can't remember that year. They think it's someone they know because it's the only reason they can think of that would prevent me from telling them about it. My dad is making himself crazy, asking me insane questions and really pressuring me to tell him so he can kill the guy, but I can't tell him it's his half brother, who he let live in our house. I can't tell him its the same guy whose wedding he forced me to attend and who he invited to my graduation party when he heard I had "forgotten" to send him an invitation. I haven't seen him in two years, because I always come up with an excuse to avoid family functions on my father's side unless I know he won't be there. My fiance knows who it is but has never met him and I dread the day she does.

Today I talked to my mother on the phone. My dad called me yesterday and I wanted to ask her if she knew whether or not he had an agenda before I called him back. She said she didn't know why he had called me, that she doesn't talk to him about it. Then she told me she knows who it was. I told her not to tell me who she thinks, because I can't handle her knowing. But I know from what she said about how she figured it out that she really does know who it was. She was hysterical, sobbing about how she's such a bad mother from not protecting me and for letting him into her house, where she thought we were safe. So I'm bawling my eyes out, comforting her and telling her it wasn't her fault. She is a complete and total wreck over it, and she thinks it was only once. Needless to say, I had a really bad day. Usually talking to my mom makes me feel a little better when I'm depressed because she is so needy and wrapped up in her own world most of the time that I become too distracted by her problems to think about my own. Now I have no distraction.

MyLove and I had a huge argument over NOTHING when she got home from work today. She knew what happened with my mom and the state I was in and somehow we ended up blowing up over the lack of garbage bag in the kitchen can. Ridiculous. We NEVER EVER argue, so it sucks especially badly, because I really needed her today.

datagirl, good luck with your course. pictures really mess me up too, but for the opposite reason. Almost all the pictures of me as a child show this pale, rail thin girl with the saddest eyes in the world. I get so angry when I see them because they bring back such awful memories and make me hate the world for not noticing how desperate I obviously was, even though I did everything in my power to keep it a secret. I know logically that what is apparent to me is not as obvious to everyone else, but I like to think that if my kid looked like that, I'd notice.

don't feel bad about where you are now, maddy29. It obviously took a lot of strength to get to that place, and it's inspirational to know that someone out there is moving forward.
maddy29
wow, your parents sound like mine-they truly love me and wanted to know who it was. my dad said "i'll kill the bastard!" my mom finally figured out who it was, but she didn't realize it had happened as a kid. of course when my dad found out it was his own dad, things changed.

i gotta say-tell your dad. tell tell tell. part of this sickness that you are experiencing is because you have all this toxic shit built up in your system. you are keeping this creepoids secret. he doesn't deserve to have that secret kept.

you have every right to be murderously angry and rageful at your parents. they didn't protect you. they trusted the wrong person. they didn't do their job as parents. of course you are mad at them!

i know what you mean about comforting mom. it's hard to see them in so much pain, but you are the victim here. i mean, so are they, because your uncle abused their trust too, but youa re the one who has carried the burden of this for your whole life!!!!! it is their job to take care of you now, since they didn't then.

every night, i just can't imagine. mine was so random, like 1-2 times/year? i don't even know, it's all blocked out really. but to have that every night, god. it's just soo sooo awful. i mean, it's all awful, but for me to think of actually living with my abuser, god. at least i had my family and a pretty normal good life, outside of the abuse.

you are really reminding me of myself at age 21-i was a senior in college when this all hit me and i totally brokedown. i had to go to my sister's wedding that year (before i told) and my abuser stood right behind me the whole ceremony-then after asked me why i was shaking. fucker. then yeah, i did'nt want an open house/graduation party because i did'nt know how i could avoid him. then my parents were like oh well we'll just invite your grandparents and i freaked out!!!!

and yes, you CAN tell them. yes, they will feel guiilty. and they should. they may go into a depression, they will definitely need counseling, etc. but that is not your job to worry about. you only have to worry about getting better, about feeling better. i know how scary it is, we all do.

also, can your parents help you out with expenses and stuff?
deschatsrouge
I agree with Maddy. I didn't want to tell my dad but after I did I was able to move away from being a victim and become a survivor.

I realized my parents wanted to know because they be a part of my life, they wanted to know me better. After they knew, I felt like I had license to be crazy, I could quit pretending to be normal. I also knew that they still loved me, which was the most important thing.

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