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datagirl
I am so grateful that my work hasn't blocked this site. I've just had another relationship break up because of my moods,anger issues ect.I did tell him about the abuse,but nothing changed as in I was still taking out my frustration on him.My sister (who was abused herself) is nudging me to go to her therapist,a man I have spoken to on the phone.He seems to know alot about how to deal with my families sexual and emotional abuse issues but said that if I was being 'made' to go into therapy that there wouldn't be much point.
Now that my personal life is a mess and I've just had someone break up with me that I really care about there has to be a time when
I'll have to forgive my siblings otherwise my life will be shit and I'll be all alone.
llamas
*peek*
Hi, y'all...I hope I'm not intruding.
I'm not a survivor of sexual assault, but I don't know where else to talk about this; I was stalked for almost a year in college. This was five years ago, and I thought I had changed my fear into anger and even having a sense of humor about it, but this weekend, the asshole tried to add me as a friend on Facebook. Cue shaking, crying panic attacks. People here care, of course, but I think they think I'm overreacting a bit. I guess I'd just like to know that I'm not?
Thanks for sharing your thread, and I hope this isn't out of place.
deschatsrouge
(((All Survivors)))) especially DataGirl and LustfullyPink

Llamas this page is for survivors of sexual, and relationship/stalking violence. This is a space where survivors can get theier stories out in the open in a supportive environment. You are welcome here.
llamas
Thanks dechatsrouge!
((((survivors))))
kittenb
llamas, you are totally not overreacting. People just don't know how scary that can be until it happens to them. It is just so scary to never know when you are alone or when you are safe. Having to face a year of that sounds nightmarish and I am glad that you got through it.

PS. I have always loved your icon!
treehugger
llamas, here of all places, people will understand. I've been through a situation like that..it was before the days of facebook, but he'd turn up just when I thought he was gone...luckily (this sounds weird), but luckily he is now dead and I saw the grave...so I know it is true.

I am sure this isn't helping. Just know that I've been there and that I totally think you belong here.

Feel free to express yourself here.

((((survivors))))
llamas
Thanks, it helps so much to know that others understand.

I've been trying to pin down my feelings about this, but it's hard. Part of me wants so badly to believe other people's reassurances--that he's in another state, that it's been a long time, that he's a rich boy with too much to lose. But I know that he's been reminded of my existence and now knows my married last name, has lots of resources, and of course he's several french fries short of a happy meal! That, and I've never been able to adequately explain an odd occurance right after I moved back home after graduation. I just wonder why the hell he made contact. One way or another, I feel like I want to disappear, that it would be the only way to be safe. And I hate him for that.
(In case anyone wonders, nothing ever got done about his behavior because his father was a trustee of the college.)

Bunny, thanks, it still makes me giggle.
greenbean
QUOTE
In case anyone wonders, nothing ever got done about his behavior because his father was a trustee of the college.

Gee, Llamas, thats infururating!

So, hi guys. You haven't seen me in here because I am not a survivor, but I really really need your advice. Someone I am extremely chose to is a survivor (from both an incident of child molestation and a date-rape 3 years ago), and never went through extensive therapy nor told her mother about either case. She claims shes ok but I don't think she is. Recently she has had awful, crippling panic attacks. She blaims it on the stress of her job but I think it stems from her past trauma. I risked butting my nose where I shouldn't, and told her I think she needs to go to therapy with an emphasis in sexual trauma. She was adament that she saw a therapist once and hated it, and that she doesn't want to give the abusers her time and money by "obsessing over them". I feel strongly that by NOT getting help they are subconsciously affecting her life, but I'm not a doctor nor a survivor so I really don't know if my opinion matters.

So please help me here,..is it none of my business or should I keep pushing her to seek help?
kittenb
greenbean - It is your business but you should not push her to get help. There are enough bad therapists out there that she is not the first person I have heard who just says "Fuck it" to counseling. However, if you can stand by her decision here, she will be able to trust you when and if she changes her mind.
The place that I work for has a feminist focused victim-centered philosophy. Plainly put, we feel that sexual abuse/rape does not automatically equal a mental illness and may not require therapy to heal from. However, if the survivor would like help, s/he can recieve it in a supportive way that emphaiszes that s/he can make the decisions in healing.
My best suggestion is that you pass on the number of the RAINN Hotline (whick I don't have infront of me. Someone help please!) That number, if she chooses to call, will send her to the closest rape crisis center in her area. By giving her the number you will show that you respect her ability to make her own choices but that you will help as she needs it.
You sound like a good person to be friends with and I am glad that you posted the question here. Good luck!
kali_ma
hi ladies

it's been 4 months since i was date raped, and i completed my counseling sessions last month, and felt very together and mostly ok. i was struggling a lot with the issue of blame and self-blame, and have been working on it and getting back my feminist fire.

there are two things that have recently come up, though. the first is that i've been steadily gaining weight ever since it happened. part of this has to do with eating for comfort, and i'm thinking the other part has to do with the fact that he was praising me for my weight loss at the time of the incident, and how great i looked... doesn't take a therapist to see i'm probably gaining weight to protect myself from it happening again. this would be ok, i love my body, but i can't fit into my clothes anymore!

the other thing is relationships. i only date women right now, but i'm still just so closed off... i just cannot seem to open up and be honest about my feelings. i'm generally a closed off person, but since it happened it seems i'm like a hundred times more impenetrable. i can't even be honest with myself about my feelings, and usually i can at least do that!

any advice/experience/suggestions?
cstars124
Kali,

I wish I had some good advice on things, but I'm sort of having some issues myself. My rapist just sent me a friend request on myspace. The entire day I felt like I was going to vomit and I responsed to his request by asking him why he thought he could just send me a friend request and his response was that he thought the hard feelings would have been gone by now.

I told him not to contact me ever again or I would get the police involved. I've just been sitting here crying.

I'm sorry to interrupt, I just needed to vent.
kittenb
I'm afraid that I don't have any great advice either. All I can say is that these things take a long, long time and you just hjave to be patient w/yourself and love yourself. I don't mean this to be a cliche either. Patience and selflove are so important while healing. You are taking the right steps w/the counseling. That is great.

cstars - what a total asshat! I am so sorry that he had the nerve and the stupidity to retraumatize you like that. "Hard feelings"? What an ass!
llamas
((((cstars))))
Apparently it's e-asshat season! I can't believe he wrote that. It took guts to tell him to leave you alone, though.
cstars124
He does this to me every so often. He'll leave me alone for six months to a year, and then he'll contact me. Just a little note or something insignificant like sending me a friend request, and then it reopens this horrible wound and upsets me. I think he knows that it bothers me, which is why he continues to do it. He's a horrible prick like that.

What made me most upset is that he thought that there would be no hard feelings. He RAPED me. Like totally raped me, and he knew he did. How could I have anything BUT hard feelings?
deschatsrouge
QUOTE(kali_ma @ Jun 11 2007, 06:31 PM) *
hi ladies

it's been 4 months since i was date raped, and i completed my counseling sessions last month, and felt very together and mostly ok. i was struggling a lot with the issue of blame and self-blame, and have been working on it and getting back my feminist fire.

there are two things that have recently come up, though. the first is that i've been steadily gaining weight ever since it happened. part of this has to do with eating for comfort, and i'm thinking the other part has to do with the fact that he was praising me for my weight loss at the time of the incident, and how great i looked... doesn't take a therapist to see i'm probably gaining weight to protect myself from it happening again. this would be ok, i love my body, but i can't fit into my clothes anymore!

the other thing is relationships. i only date women right now, but i'm still just so closed off... i just cannot seem to open up and be honest about my feelings. i'm generally a closed off person, but since it happened it seems i'm like a hundred times more impenetrable. i can't even be honest with myself about my feelings, and usually i can at least do that!

any advice/experience/suggestions?


Hey Kali I also self medicate with food. The thing about it is that you are doing the only thing that you know ho to make your self feel better. I know from personal experiance that even though you may not be dealing with your trauma in the best way you think is possible, the fact you are dealing with it in some way and recognise where the behavior is rooted is important. You could go to the therapist and get some cognative restucturing and learn a new way to help yourself, but only do it because you want to, not because you have to to be the "right weight". I have to tell myself that I'm a good person no matter my weight, and I'll get help when I'm ready. Do you think the same could be said for you? As for the clothes not fitting. I just shrug and save up to buy myself those niffty new pair of jeans I've been eyeing at Lane Bryant, because I deserve it. I also know that as long as I'm not hurting myself or others, the way I'm dealing with it, is the right way for me.


Sorry if I sound preachy.
kali_ma
wow. i seriously cannot believe these guys. no hard feelings?? (((llamas and cstars))) what makes it even more ridiculous is the vocabulary we use makes it even suckier... he tried to friend me, yknow? bleghhh. it makes me sick. seriously. what goes through their heads???? i would love to know. would LOVE to know.

i still don't know 100% for sure if the guy who did this thing to me did it on purpose or not, but i highly doubt he will ever call me again, regardless. i gave him a hard enough time in the weeks after that i think he realizes that, even if he was "just" drunk, he is no longer my friend [although i really, truly think i was drugged.]. but i think if he ever did contact me again i'd throw up.

i've been dating this girl, but i really just want to be friends with her, but i've been totally unable to say it. she's given me plenty of chances, but i suck. and then last night she said i was being bitchy and standoffish, and apparently i had to get physically intimate with her to prove (to myself?) that i wasn't standoffish and bitchy. i'd been drinking, and i remember thinking, oh fuck it, it doesn't matter. then i woke up at 6 am with a panic attack and the craziest, intense guilt.

and this is something i'd probably have done before, but it carries more weight now. i need to get the ovaries to tell her i just want to be friends.

deschatsrouge, thanks for the advice/support re:eating. i'm having a really difficult time... but i'm trying not to beat myself up too much. i'm just trying to make sure i go to the gym everyday, and that helps create a little bit of a balance.

oh yes. the theme of my life right now is guilt.
deschatsrouge
Ah the ever present guilt. It's like a ghost living in your house...tell it to follow the light.
kiss_the_fiddler
Hi all. I haven't ventured into this thread before but I think now is a good time. Several years ago, I was gang raped. I didn't know any of the men involved. I went to the dr. the next day and got tested and the morning after pill. I dealt with it. That was years ago. A couple years later, I was at a NA meeting, sort of new to the meeting. I had been maybe 5 times. I arrived early to stake out my seat in the corner, on a couch, where I could see everyone and had a wall to my back. The meeting had started and when in he walked. I knew immediately that he was one of the guys who had gang raped me. He sat down and then looked around. He saw me, we locked eyes. He looked away first. I wanted to run but I held my ground. During the meeting, he spoke. He was crying and kept saying he'd done something bad and looking at me. I hated him. I left as soon as the meeting was over. I never went back. I went on with my life, moved out of town, got married, joined the fire department. About a year ago, I responded to a call of a car on fire. On scene, I noticed a man staggering away, clutching his chest. I grabbed our medical bag and went to him to render aid. It was the same guy. He recognized me as I was working on him, helping him. I could have hurt him. I didn't. He became hysterical. I just kept working, reassuring him that he'd be okay, being professional. I did a good job. Today, we had a call at the same address. He wasn't there. I didn't realize that it was the same address until we got there. I had to go in. We treated our patient, packaged and shipped her off to the hospital. Again, I was professional. Now though, I'm freaking out. I keep having flash backs. I want to be over this bullshit. I'm tired of it. I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, there they are. I don't even remember his name. I'm tired and pissed and scared. Why is this 'getting over it' taking so long?

I have an education in counseling and therapy. I know these things. It's so hard to apply what I know to my own life and experience. This sucks. Thanks for listening.
kittenb
OMG kiss_the _fiddler, you are AMAZING!!!!! I don't know how you could have done any of that? You must have such incredible strength of character to have not blasted that worm out of your meeting or hurt him at the accident scene.

I don't know that "getting over it" ever happens. Rape is too big to "get over." However, we do get through it and often thrive despite it and that is what it sounds like you have done.
ananke
I'm with kittenb on this, you did so freaking well, repeatedly! You've got that strength there, it's just accessing it.

I've been thinking about stuff a lot more lately. My little brother had a bit of a traumatic experience* and is having a bit of difficulty dealing with it. We've been talking about that and one of the things I've been pondering is cutting that link between the memory and reliving it. So I remember rather than relive. One of the things I've noticed is that when I think hard, I stop seeing what's around me. I just go right inside my head. Which doesn't bother me when it's work, or whatever. But when I do that when thinking about the rape, it makes it even worse. So my brother and I were tlaking about ways to cut that link - so when you remember it, it is just a memory, not a flashback. We haven't gotten anything really reliable, but I've noticed that if I keep in contact with myself (jigglemy leg, chew on my lips/tongue, nail biting) it does make it less intrusive. But there's only so much my nails can take.
kiss_the_fiddler
ananka, I agree that keeping in touch somehow with my current reality helps to keep the flashback from blooming. I do things like looking around wherever I am for colors. Find something blue - find something yellow, find something green, find something red, etc. I also find things that make lines. The lines around the window frame, the lines that the dresser drawera make, etc. I find that this helps keep me in my current reality. If I can somehow stay 'in front' of the memory, then I'm okay. It's when I slip 'into' it that it really suck. When that happens, I'm right back there. When I relax enough to sleep, my guard comes down and I wake up stuck there.

The whole not sleeping thing is hard on my marriage. We're still learning though.

kittenb and ananka, thank you both for the validation and encouragement.
kittenb
Anytime, kiss_the_fiddler.

One thing I do to relax or stem off a flashback feeling is I focus really hard a certain random body part. Like my toe. I feel how my toe is hitting the sock, or my shoe, or how the air brushes against it. It really clarifys things for me.
kiss_the_fiddler
Things have calmed down again. whew. Now I'm back to focusing on things that I usually do like keeping my plants alive and looking for new fires in the mtns around my house. Regular things. It's good. Thanks for your support.
sidda
Hey, hope you guys are doing well. I've been away from the thread for a little bit, doing OK mostly, doing the therapy thing and addressing some of my issues in my marriage (which I'm realizing were probably a contributing factor to my vulnerable situation at the time of my assault - not to blame for it, but definitely a factor in my making some of the choices I did that night).

Anyway, I'm a little freaked out at the moment because last week was my yearly physical, at which my doc retested me for some STDs and ordered blood work which included more STD tests. I've been trying to think positively about this, like, let's just get this out of the way and that will be at least preliminary proof of one less thing to worry about.

So I come home tonight to a message on my voicemail from my doc's office saying that I need to call them about my pap smear. And of course I got home too late to reach them during office hours, so I'm going to have to wait all weekend. And I know that they never call you about your pap smear unless there is something wrong, so my mind is busy deciding whether to spend the weekend worrying about cervical cancer or whether one of my STD swab tests came back positive. I still have to wait for the blood work I had done to come back, so my mind is using this opportunity to provide me with some anxiety about that too.

My husband still doesn't know about the assault, so I'm somewhat reluctant to tell him about my anxiety about the pap smear, even though an abnormal pap could come back for a number of reasons. But I'm thinking of telling him (about the pap, not about the assault yet) anyway...chances are that I'll have to go in for more tests, and I guess there's really no reason to hide it from him, especially if he can step up and comfort me about my anxiety.

Anyway, I'm mostly just venting because unfortunately, you guys, my therapist and the rape crisis center are the only people I've told about the assault...I've come close to telling a couple friends but haven't done so yet. Just good to have a place to go with my anxiety, so thanks.
kittenb
sidda - good to hear from you again! I wish things were going a little better for you. Hopefully on Monday all will become clear and solveable.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but what made you decide not to tell your husband? Are you interested in telling him? You can tell me it's none of my business if you want. I won't be offended.
deschatsrouge
Sidda, I think that whatever choice a rape survivor/victim makes it's the right choice for that person in that moment. I didn't tell my parents for five years. Take your time. Your are in my thoughts (crosses fingers for Sidda)
sidda
Thanks for the support, y'all....I appreciate it. Still kind of anxious and hoping I don't have more to worry about, and I realize that part of the reason I am worried is that I kind of don't want to be forced into telling my husband about the assault before I feel ready to do so. And if something STD-related comes back, I feel like I really *have* to tell him for his own health (we've actually been intimate quite often lately, though we were using condoms anyway, so that helps my anxiety a bit).

kittenb, I do think that I will tell my husband - it's not that I decided never to tell him. But it's actually surprised me how I can't seem to tell any of my friends about the assault yet either. I've come really close with a couple of friends but haven't gone there yet. I guess part of me is still judging myself for what happened, though I'm trying not to. Some of the "stuff in my marriage" that I referred to includes my husband not really demonstrating his care for me. I've spent a lot of time allowing my needs not to be addressed and am gradually working on asking him for those needs to be met. I think I also lost some trust for his ability to be supportive in tough situations. A loved one of mine recently lost a baby to stillbirth, I was really upset and reached out to him for support, and he was not helpful at all...he didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. I think I get a little scared that I'll be met with cold silence when I tell him, or that he'll think I cheated on him and just be kind of shattered and unable to support me.

That said, I did tell him about my anxiety about the pap smear (leaving out the std parts of the worry) and he was comforting about that. Oh yes, and the latest development is that I got a card in the mail Saturday saying that my "GC test" was negative - which you'd think would be cause for happiness, but since it was written so cryptically I can't tell whether that is just gonorrhea or both gonorrhea and chlamydia that came back negative. I think the nurse was trying to be discreet (the card was in a sealed envelope as well) but it didn't really help with the anxiety. I also talked to my mom and she reminded me that both she and my younger sister had abnormal paps at other times and had to have the little cryo-procedure to remove dyplasia but everything was fine afterward. So perhaps I am not dying of cancer or spreading horrible STDs to my husband as my drama queen head would have me believe.

I also have become somewhat resigned to the idea that I am probably going to have some anxiety about everything involving my ladyparts for some time, thanks to the assault. And things like this remind me why it might be nice to have someone who loves me know about my whole history so that they can provide some comfort.
kittenb
I wish all people woulf understand that not knowing what to say does not mean that you cannot help. Admitting to the emotions that lead to not knowing what to say can be comforting. Just holding someone can help, you know?

Good luck sidda. I hope things start getting somewhat easier to bear.
sidda
Amen to that, kittenb! Just saying "I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry" would have helped.

Well, I get to wait another day thanks to the fact that my doc's office and I spent the better part of the day playing phone tag and I was in a crappy area for cell phone service, so I missed my doc's call to me this evening. Trying to keep the anxiety to a minimum, but I'm definitely hoping to connect with them first thing tomorrow. The waiting is making it feel like it must be something really bad, though. Bleah.
sidda
Okay - good news and kind of not so great news (but not the end of the world, hopefully). Good news: all the STD-related stuff came back totally clear. Sigh of relief and a big weight off my shoulders. Bad news: high-grade squamous interepithelial cells, which means I have to have a colposcopy and a biopsy and depending on those results could mean anything from "let's do a simple procedure and then test you in 6 months" to the big C, but most likely means that I have pre-cancerous cells and would need to have a LEEP procedure to have them removed.

So, now I am vacillating between "hey, it's not so bad, and at least they caught it" to all kinds of anxiety about my future ability to have kids, what if it's the big C, etc etc etc. The husband is being more supportive than he was in the last tough situation, which is good. I had a thought cross my mind when I was brooding about my medical thing to the effect of "hey, nothing like the fear of death to make me thing about getting all the secrets out in the open." His being helpful about this thing certainly has made me feel a little better about his potential to support me when I tell him about the assault, though I'm still not quite ready yet. Maybe soon.

Anyway, I'll just say again that it has been really helpful to be able to vent in this space and I appreciate all the kind words and thoughts you guys send my way.
kittenb
So what they found was not connected to the assault, then?

Thank the gods for a clear STD screen.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for the next test.
sidda
That's right, it wasn't connected to the assault. Though the colposcopy (which was yesterday) turned up what the doc suspects are vaginal warts, as well as some abnormal cells on the cervix. Both were sent out for biopsy, so I'll know more in a week or two.

I was a bit freaked about the warts, so I haven't really said anything about those to anybody but the therapist. But I did do a bit of reading up and it sounds like they are most likely caused by HPV, which as I understand it is pretty common and can be dormant in the body for years. So I'm reasonably comforted that the HPV might not have had anything to do with the assault either.

There's still part of me that looks at all this recent medical crap as some kind of punishment for me. Still dealing with that thought with the therapist. But I'm still in one piece and feeling a bit more settled than I was a few weeks ago.
deschatsrouge
((((Sidda))))
kiss_the_fiddler
Hi all. I'm in a nightmare phase. I go through these phases every so often. Sleep is a tormented place for me lately and I'm so tired. How do y'all deal with nightmares when they won't let you sleep?

fiddler
kittenb
If I can't sleep, I normally clean my house. It's weird, but it helps.
However, for nightmares, I normally have to let them run their course, see if I can learn anything from them. If they are disturbing you and not heloing at all, you can try a coulple of things. Camomile tea is a natural sedative and dream suppressant. Get some good quality, whole leaf tea. It is more potent. Accupuncture can help with nightmares. Another thing that I do is keep good healing crystals in my bedroom. Right now I have a lovely rose quartz and a howlight stone. I can really feel the difference.
kiss_the_fiddler
the nightmares are about things i already know. they're like flashback or abreactions only they're in my sleep. and it totally sucks because i can't wake myself out of them. my wife wakes me up because i'm fighting and screaming and yelling. it's like i'm right back there, being tortured all over again. so now, i'm afraid to go to sleep. i take sleep meds (did tonight) and still the nightmares but harder to wake from. my sweetie is supportive but she mostly just wakes me up and then rolls back over and starts snoring. i want her to talk me out of where i am before she goes back to sleep. it gets so lonely. the tea is a good idea though. i'll try that. thank you.

fiddler
kittenb
Seriously, if you are not needle-phobic, consider acupuncture. I have a friend who can give me more info about how it works if you want.
kiss_the_fiddler
i have no problems with needles. i think i'll look into it. thanks for the suggestion.

fiddler
ananke
Ugh, nightmares. I've been copping them lately as well. I rarely wake up from them until the morning, then I spend the day moping. Prior to that my sleep was disturbed because I had a sinus infection that meant i stopped breathing all the time. So I've started sleeping with my Pooh Bear beside the bed (or with me)

Is there any physical component to it? I used to get nightmares with specific things in it because I was crampingin my hands and feet. Once I fixed that, I stopped having those nightmares - doesn't stop the ones where my friends side with the rapist, or I kill my mother, but stopped those really visceral ones.

Something I've been working on lately, that may be counter-productive but I'm concentrating on just surviving, not getting better, is creating a safe space in my head. It started with a short story idea, but I figure if everytime I'm scared or upset I think of a safe space that I've very specifically created, it can't be that bad can it?
kiss_the_fiddler
ananke,
Creating a safe space in your head sounds like a pretty good coping skill to me. I use that a lot. But I use it to music. Music is a powerful medium for me and I use it to link things in my life. I link times when I've felt safe with specific music. When I listen to that music, I can think of that time when I felt safe.

Hmmm. . . the nightmares. . . what are we going to do about those? Maybe I need to make another dreamcatcher. I used to have one hanging above my bed. I don't anymore. That sounds like a good project.


fiddler
kittenb
Please goddess tell me that this was an accident and you did not just use this thread to post an ad.
pollystyrene
Yeah, I already reported that one, kitten. rolleyes.gif How tasteless.
ananke
I'm having a hell of a panic attack right now. Mostly just twitching, not the hyperventilating though. So I figure talking about mmy safe space is a good thing. Self-medication with booze isn't helping - who has experience with xanax type stuff? I'm thinking if I can't control this anymore I should maybe try drugs. Anyway safe space:

Basically it's a giant life size plush Eeyore, totally squishy and sexless and safe. I can hide between his forelegs.
deschatsrouge
Does anyone else get uncontrollable nausea and vomiting when they have pannic attacks. I do and I'm trying to conquer it. Any ideas?
kiss_the_fiddler
I get very nauseated, yes. I take phenergan for that. It also has a general calming effect. I take it almost every day.

fiddler
deschatsrouge
How much does phenergan cost each month?
deschatsrouge
I went to the Doc yesterday and asked for some anti nausea medication. I feel much better and it only cost me $21 for a one months supply. Thanks for the advice KTF
kiss_the_fiddler
deschatsrouge, glad you got something that can help. It'll probably make you sleepy when you first start taking it. For me, that went away with time. Now I'm okay to drive or whatever after I've taken it. when I first started taking it though, it'd make me so sleepy i'd have to go to bed (which i didn't mind).

fiddler
deschatsrouge
If i take it alone I don't get sleepy. If I take it with a small dose of 25 mg or so of seruquel, I'm high as a kite. I did that last night. I took two phenergen and 50 mg of seruquel, maaaaan was I feeling goooooood. I loved everybody. tongue.gif
elvisisvelvet
Hello, I'm new. I'm brand new at the moment infact, like one of those weird, bald baby birds whos nerves show through their skin. I was molested by a stranger at 11-yes, I'm one of that small percentage that if you read the right-wing newspapers makes up ALL sexual abuse-and I was also raped. I don't know by whom or when, I just have patches of m emory and impressions of breathlessness. I have lived a relatively full normal life until about 2 years ago when all the denial led to a nervous breakdown. I am well into recovery but 2 and half months ago my husband told me that he was moving out and ending our marriage as he had realised he would never get back the woman I was before my illness. Neither will I, but then, who needs her?! It's Friday night in urban England, a time when groups of teenagers and young men throng my local streets cat calling girls. I was afraid to leave the house but needed cigarettes. What to do? I called my ex. He was already too drunk to drive. (don't get the wrong impression-he isn't a drinker-he's at a 70th birthday party-these things happen) My friends are all out with partners, at home with partners, out with friends. Soooooo...I attatched my little dog to his lead, grabbed my purse and keys and braved the dark. I am absolutely elated! I have just got back with my spoils of 2 bottles of red wine and a packet of cigarettes and I am elated! I did it! On my own. I know to some of you, having read your brave entries here this pales into insignificance as any kind of victory-but it is a massive one to me. I made a choice, acted on it, did it. Amazing! I got home and had to tell someone. I have a grin on my face from ear to ear. I have been reading this blog for a while and although I don't want to seem foolish I just felt like sharing a small victory. My friends wouldn't get what a big deal this is, and you may not either, but trust me, for me-this is huge! Today a survivor takes back her local streets and the corner shop-what next? Comic book shops? Music shops? That snotty little boutique where I'm too scared to try anything on? Taking back the rights to my own body? Who Knows...Thanks for reading. Sorry for going on, but thanks also for giving me a space to feel great about this-I just totally braved the world alone-Hurrah!
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