Aug 2 2006, 06:59 PM
maddy, i can't even imagine standing in front of the person that did shit to you....it's like the most vulnerable space to be in. so sorry to hear that.
thanks for being supportive kitten and maddy. I guess i hardly told anybody because i had a previous dating relationship with him....on top of that while we were dating, i was completely unstable and had really low self esteem, AND he comes off as this easygoing, harmless person so i guess i just felt like no one would believe me. on top of it, when i did tell a couple of people at the time that it happened, they were all like, "why didn't you scream no?" " why didn't you punch him in the face?" and just trying to justify my actions was so fucking draining. i dont know. i guess its not a good reason.
it gets me furious that he is living his life and making friends and walking around like it didn't happen. it makes me completely wary and suspicious of everybody! like maybe i'm friends with a rapist and i don't even know it. i knew i didn't want to press charges, and i still don't. but i'm just afraid people (esp his friends) won't blelieve me and that it will be so draining...and that word will get around....my family doesn't even know. my engaged friend has no discretion and i am afraid that even if i told her not to tell others, that she would spread it around.
i have been in therapy for a year...and it's going well. but my therapist just applied for visits over the first 24 and my insurance rejected it because even though i was raped, there is no medical evidence and the legal system is not involved so i don't get parity.
sorry. it does feel a lot better to talk about it here. thanks for listening.
Aug 3 2006, 04:16 AM
A very very eeerily similar thing happened to me.
I only told people this year (four years on) who did it - he was best friends with my husband and one of our best friends. They believed me. It is possible - the people who are worth it wil believe you and support you.
Aug 3 2006, 07:10 AM
yeah, the truth is, you're right to be afraid to tell people. some will believe and support you, some won't believe you (probably his friends) and some will wonder why you didn't fight back or etc etc. It's a big risk to tell, but for me, it was sooo worth it. Cause, now I don't have to stand in front of him, or see him.
i'm so sorry about the insurance. sometimes it's worht it to try again. are you in the us? do you have a ptsd diagnosis? usually that can get more visits....
i feel bad, gumby, that your family and friends don't know, because they could potentially be a great source of support for you. Or not, they could just suck, i don't know. but, sometimes people can surprise you. or maybe share their own story with you.
are you thinking about not going? or about going and just coping? or telling your friend? or just too overwhelmed to think about it now?
sucks. really really sucks.
Aug 3 2006, 08:17 AM
gumby, I was raped by someone i was dating too. And when I told my friends, they said the same thing. About how I should have done all these different things, and at the time, i didn't really even THINK of doing anything because i was just really confused that it was happening at all.
I can completely understand about now wanting to tell your friends, though. I didn't tell mine until almost a year after it happened. Because a) I didn't want to really believe that it happened and I was sorta in denial about it, b ) as stupid as this sounds, i WANTED my friends to like him. I didn't want them to think of him as a rapist, even though he totally is.
Whatever you decide, it's very comforting to post here and talk to other people who have been through the same thing.
Aug 3 2006, 08:27 AM
it's interesting how many of us were hurt by people we knew and loved and trusted. or at least knew.
i'm feeling sooo angry about this. how much it happens. and how powerless i feel to change anything.
i've been thinking about sending all of my grandparent's neighbors letters warning them. and to the local newspaper. is that bad? i've also been thinking of showing up on their doorstep. i just feel like i want to DO something. instead of just waiting around until he dies.
i've been thinking of sending my aunt "beginning to heal" and some incest info-but i know that's wrong. she didn't support me and called me a liar, so part of me wants to freak her out.
Aug 3 2006, 09:42 AM
hey maddy, did you ever go to the police or anything? i'm not too familar with certain aspects of the law, but is there anything that they can do legally?
Aug 3 2006, 11:37 AM
there's a statue of limitations, for people with recovered memories i believe it's 3 years since the time of the memory. I was at the bottom of the barrel at that time. I did consider suing or pressing charges, but the court battle would have taken 2-3 years, and i didn't have the energy for that. plus, i'm in a different state now, so i'd have to be going back and forth. plus, when it comes down to it, it's his word against mine. and he has people willing ot lie for him. also, i was told that i'd have to describe things graphically, and even potentially get down and demonstrate certain positions, etc. So i decided i just didn't have the strength for it. plus i stil don't know if i believe my memories...
it's frustrating, it's like if you don't do the legal thing, what can you do?
Aug 3 2006, 11:50 AM
Having worked at an HMO for 18 months, I can say right now that it is very hard to petition for more sessions with a therapist but it is possible. They have to do a review and all sorts of things. However, if switching therapy is a possibility, you can probably find good services for free in your area.
Aug 3 2006, 11:51 AM
I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I think there's something very wrong with our judicial system sometimes. Especially in cases like this.
At least you live in a different state now and you don't need to worry about being around him or anything. Not that it helps too much, but I'm sure it makes you feel at least a little bit better.
Aug 3 2006, 12:13 PM
yeah, i mean i'm supposed to sit there in court with my abuser and act out the abuse scenes? that's totally fucked up!
my supervisor told me that the laws are changing around statute of limitations. i mean, there's none for murder, it's not like oh it's been 5 years and no one found out i killed someone, so i'm all set. i think it should be the same with rape and sexual abuse, etc.
yeah, moving out of the state was good for me.
what is your health insurance? because many will give you unlimited if you have PTSD. but of course, many won't!
Aug 4 2006, 04:15 AM
haaha, well, my other therapist thinks I have PTSD from being emotionally abused by my dad, but that's on my boyfriend's insurance (for couples counciling)....I just found out though that I'm required to change my insurances thru my work so I can start again in September, whew!
I don't know what to do yet....I talked to my mom about the wedding....our families are so close that my mom might be invited too. Even if he doesn't go, all of his friends will be there. And if I told my engaged friend, I don't know how she would react. I have told so few people, and those went so badly that I just have a hard time believeing that she would support me. And it would be so glaringly obvious if all his friends where there and he wasn't. If it came down to it, don't know how he could be NOT invited without the truth slipping out. I don't think my friend is malicious, but just such a flake that she would end up telling people. I haven't even talked to my friend yet about the wedding or anything, so I guess I'm jumping the gun....
When it happened, I was actually dating somebody else---the guy and I had dated a few years before. My boyfriend at the time freaked out so much that he wouldn't touch me for like 2 or 3 days....no hugs, no hand holding, nothing. I thought my boyfriend might kill him--he was sending the guy threatening emails at night after I'd fallen asleep. I remember telling him I needed him to be supportive of me and listen to me and he said, "You don't know how this makes me feel. I can't do that."
yeah. we broke up.
that's so good maddy, that you are living in a different state. it can be such a relief. my rapist lives out of state now too, and it feels so good to not worry about walking down the street and running into him (like last time)...
Aug 4 2006, 06:31 AM
I have a question for everybody.
Has anyone actually confronted their abuser? Like, came out and verbally said, "you abused me"?
Aug 4 2006, 08:11 AM
verbally? yikes, that's fucking scary. i did send him a letter, and i sent every other family member a different letter at the same time, telling them he had abused me, and asking for their support, and explaining that that's why i hadn't been around lately. that went well:) ha.
but no, i've never actually looked him in the face and said it.
I was thinking about my sister's wedding again and how he stood right behind me during the whole ceremony. so, after the ceremony is over and everyone is leaving the church, he and my grandmother come up to me and he's like (in his creepy, mocking, little smiley face) "maddy, you shook during the whole ceremony." I said (dead flat tone) "yeah, it was cold in there." My grandmother was like oh oh you look so nice oh oh la la, she was so nervous and fluttery.
at the reception, i got so wasted. my sister kept "making' us do bridesmaid's shots, and it was great. my grandfather did come up to me once to "ask me what time it was." it was so weird, i was like what? then my two roommates came up and kinda shove him away and grab me and are like maddy we have to go dance!!! they were so mad at him and the fact that i had to deal with him at my sissy's wedding. i have frequent bad dreams about my sister's wedding. i actually was so drunk that i had a small chunk of glass embedded in my foot overnight and until the next evening when i finally poked at it enough and it popped out. niiiiiice.
gumby- i'm sorry those disclosures with your friends went so badly. it really does show you who your real friends are. although, i don't know how old you were, i think as people get older and hopefully mature, they are better able to handle stuff like that. although, if your friends mostly know him, then they have a big stake in whether or not to believe you. and unfortunately, there's just no way to get around that.
when i told, my dad and mom and sister believed me. my uncle and his wife believed me. my grandmother and two aunts said i was a crazy liar. so, the family just split. my aunts were sooo mad at my dad for supporting me. my dad was officially "disowned" by his parents. it was really bad. now,i waited until i was out of the state until i did this! my parents kept me out of it and didn't give anyone my contact info. now my uncle has it, and i've seen him a few times, but it's kinda weird. we've never actually spoken directly about it.
gumby, i'm so glad that you'll have new insurance! you definitely need the correct diagnosis so that you can get the sessions you need.
have you thought about telling your mom? or is she a blabbermouth too? it's funny, cause i'm in this space where i wanna tell everyone! at the same time i'm scared i AM just a big crazy liar.
Aug 4 2006, 08:53 AM
I don't think you're a crazy big liar, maddy. You even said yourself that you know other people in your family who were abused also. I'm sorry, though. I'm sure it's not easy to doubt yourself.
I never confronted my ex verbally either. I asked him why he did what he did, and he apologized for it. But it wasn't until months after we broke up, that I even called it rape. He had been contacting me for months asking to see me and everything and I kept telling him that I was done. And my younger brother emailed him (without me knowing) and told him he would break his legs if he continued to bother me. My ex then sent me a very threatening email telling me that he had a gun and he would kill my brother and all this stuff. So, I sent him one back saying to never threaten me or my family again or I would bring the fact that he raped me to the police. And he didn't even try to dispute that he did, in fact, rape me, so I'm sure he acknowledges it. And I haven't heard from him since.
But I'm moving from MA to RI where he lives soon, and I'm just praying I don't have to see him. It makes me sick to even think about it.
Aug 4 2006, 01:50 PM
oh my god cstars. ok, i have a MUCH better understanding of why you are extra scared to tell! threatening your brother with a gun is scary, even if it was just him being an ass. he sounds like a really bad guy.
it's annoying that the male response is a lot of times violence. like my parents kinda guessed that something sexually scary had happened to me, in college, before i actually told them. but they assumed i'd been raped by some frat boy. (actually, that was kinda true) but my dad was all "i'm going to kill that bastard!"
of course, it was a pretty different story when he found out it was his dad. i would've actually appreciated a violent reaction then, i think. but my dad took a long time to kinda snap out of shock and stuff.
i'm going to michigan tomorrow for vacation, and even though they NEVER fly on planes, i always get nervous in the detroit airport, like i'm gonna run into them. it's totally irrational, cause they literally never fly...lol
cstars, i feel like you need some peeps in your real life to be on your side. so, who knows? your brother, obviously. who else?
Aug 4 2006, 02:42 PM
Well, i'm sure if I told my parents, they would be on my side, but they never really liked my ex to begin with, (for a bunch of different reasons). But I would never tell them. Only because as stupid as this sounds, they don't know I'm sexually active and because they're the very strict catholic types, it would kill them to know that I had consenual sex with this guy many times before the actual rape took place.
I told my sister but the only thing she said was "I don't wanna hear it" because I guess she was just too distrurbed to hear the details. Which is fine, I guess. If I really needed to talk about it, she would definitely listen.
I just think I need to go to therapy. Cause lately, this whole thing is bringing me down.
Aug 4 2006, 04:05 PM
cstars-how old are you? that sucks that your sister said that! i mean really, that's not supportive at all! was anyone supportive that you told? i feel really bad dude. i told my roommates first, and they kinda knew because i was nuts and stuff. but they were so great. then almost a year later i told my big sis, who was awesome, too. i can't imagine how much harder it would have been, if those first few people i told had been so unsupportive. damn.
yeah, therapy is good. i just think it's important that you have some support outside of that. although, sometimes that's just no available. i wonder if there is a group that you could go to? that way you could meet other people who understand, and it wouldn't be such a risk to tell.
oh also-you don't have to tell your parents you had sex with him many times:) you can decide how much or how little you tell them. you could also tell them that you were raped, and not say who it was, for now. do your parents have the financial means to help you out at all with therapy bills, etc?
Aug 4 2006, 05:32 PM
My parents would definitely help me with therapy stuff. They've helped me numerous times before, but luckily, the therapist I used to see would just charge me a $10 co-pay or something crazy cheap like that. So, the money wouldn't really be an issue.
I think honestly, the more I talk about it, and the more I think about it and classify it as "rape", the more I start feeling crappy about it. Not that I DONT want to talk about it, but it really makes me feel like shit. And I've been really depressed lately and I think that may be one of the reasons.
I wouldn't want to tell my parents at all because I know my dad would flip out over it and try to find him and do something to him. And they'd still be pissed that I was at his apartment alone. I think it would be more trouble than it would actually be worth, unfortunately. And they didn't want me dating that kid in the first place, so they would totally throw the "I told you he was bad news" thing in there too.
I know my sister would have been supportive, if I had came out and told her the situation differently than what I did. I kinda made it seem like it wasn't a big deal when I told her. Kinda like, "yea...he was a jerk. And he totally raped me too". Which in retrospect, wasn't a very intelligent thing to do, but it was my way of acting like it really didn't affect me. But I'm really starting to think that it is...
Aug 4 2006, 07:31 PM
yeah, i kinda know what you mean. if you put it out there as no big deal, people think it's no big deal. i'm sorry it's making you feel more crappy to talk about it. but it sounds like you are accepting that it was rape in a more real way. so it makes sense that you feel worse. it sounds like going to therapy is the perfect thing for you to be doing right now. getting support and talking about it in a safe place where you don't have to worry about someone telling everyone else.
i was almost 21 when i started flipping out and remembering and stuff. i'm almost 30 now! freaky. you couldn't pay me 10 million dollars to go back to that age and the way i felt back then.
Aug 4 2006, 09:29 PM
I've never confronted my rapist verbally either. I've thought a lot about what I would say if he ever tried to contact me again but I seriously doubt that would ever happen. I saw him on a bus this past winter and he sat down behind me and didn't realize i was there till after. He got off the bus so fast and literally ran across the street...which sort of made me feel good because I feel like he knows he did something horrible to me.
cstars, i get the same way...the more i acknowledge that it was rape the more depressed i get about it, which is exactly the reason i'm seeking sexual assault counselling. I wouldn't tell my parents either. They know I'm sexually active, but I know that my mom would just be really upset that it happened to me and I don't feel like I need to do that to her, she'd feel guilty that she couldn't have stopped it. I'd be more likely to tell my older brother before my parents, but at this point I don't really feel the need to.
Aug 6 2006, 05:49 AM
Maddy, I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to "come out" to your family....especially with it being someone your did is so close to. How did people respond to your letters? What happened after your grandfather got his?
My mom is so flakey.....when it happened I dropped out of school for the rest of the semester and then moved away for one month, and she thought it was all due to stress. I just haven't ever been able to share important stuff with her because she overreacts or treats me like a baby.....and this would definately make me think that SHe would think I can't take care of myself....esp living in the big city and all. One thing my doctor told me was that if you wait a really long time to tell important people (like parents), they might get really resentful that you didn't tell them right away because they'll think you shut them out of your life.....I just don't want to deal with that. One of my brothers knows. When he found out, he was like, "I'm gonna break some kneecaps!" It was sweet because I didn't think he'd freak like he did.
I ended up confronting my rapist in a letter. After the incident, he started emailing me wanting to talk but they'd say things like "I was so wound up, you couldn't possibly expect me not to," and shit like that. I ignored them all and then he started sneaking into my school (EVEN THOUGH IT HAS A SECURITY GUARD BY THE DOOR!) and leaving letters in my mailbox saying shit like, "sorry for being such a sleeze"....but he wouldn't stop doing that and I felt so unsafe just going to school so I ended up writing a letter back to him.....but only out of necessity---I would have never done it if he had left me the fuck alone. I just told him how I really felt about it and what i thought he had did and shit. His response, "I don't think we should talk anymore." and that was the last of it. It infuriates me because even when we were just going through talking about it , he was in complete control of that....like he got me to write a letter to him even though I didn't want to, and then when he was ready to not talk to me anymore, then the conversation was over. I think that's the part that upsets me most. But I guess you can't expect much from a rapist.
I have never gone into so much detail about this with anybody in real life. It kind of feels good! Thanks for listening guys. It sucks so much that so many of us have been in situations like this. What a fucking epidemic.
Aug 6 2006, 07:46 AM
I remember when I was in my first group therapy time, I told the group leader quite honestly that talking about all of this was ruining my life. There seems to be a period of dealing and healing where everything just feels so much worse than it ever did before. I don't really know why that is, but it seems to be really true.
As far as confronting my abuser...god that would just be my worst nightmare. I was seven when the rape happened. No one knew until I was 20-21. I still worry that I will see him someday on the street and he will recognize me. I just don't know what I would do. Statistics tell me that he did it again to someone else. When 16 y/o boys rape 7 y/o girls, they are heading down a long road of pedophelia. So if I were to meet him, not only would I be seeing the boy who raped me, but someone who was most likely a repeat violent offender. I wonder if he ever was caught and if so what happened but I am not sure that I really want to check and find out. I never want any sort of connection with him again, aside from the one that I just can't shake.
Ed. to add: I just want to stress that I am in no way saying that what happened to me was worse than anyone else. I don't believe that any rapist just does it once, even if they only get caught once. I've learned that sometimes people find it easier to feel sympathy for people who were raped as children that thoes who were raped as adults and it makes me crazy. I have also noticed that sometimes people want to give me some sort of "victim" defintition that I never know what to do with. Am I making this point clear? No one deserves this and everyone who has to live through it should be entitled to as much sympthy, empathy, and support as she/he desires. In the form that we want it!
Aug 6 2006, 05:09 PM
Hi. So I'm just popping in. Maybe to introduce myself. Maybe to settle in. I wrote a couple letters in the letters thread and some people thought I might want to pop in here.
I'm a survivor. I've been raped. I've been beaten. And I've had a fairly abusive (emotionally) relationship.
I go for years, hell, decades, without thinking about it. The situations occasionally pop back into my head and then I get angry again, I hate, I write letters in the letters thread, and I vent. Then it fades back into oblivion.
Most of my hurts happened over 20 years ago....20 to 30 years ago. I'm not sure where I fit in this thread.
But, anyway, I want to extend a Hello! to everybody here...and an offer of home-made Mojitos if you'd like.
Aug 7 2006, 08:46 AM
Welcome, treehugger! Thanks for the mojitos.
You can fit in here whereever you want to. There is plenty of room.
Aug 8 2006, 02:00 AM
I have been insanely furious this week. Just constantly angry. I'm so sick of it. I've been hyper-alert and sensitive, sick and just crappy.
Aug 8 2006, 08:43 PM
For the umpteenth time I am so grateful for this thread.I posted here earlier this year about telling my mother
about the sexual abuse by my brother.She believed me and to my relief my mother didn't disown me.
She and I have never told my father though and probably never will.At Easter I had a massive fight with my sister (eight years older than me and my brother is six years older).She wrote me a letter detailing the reason she was so awful to me growing up.I finally had the first conversation I had had with her in about four months last night.She told me she was molested by a neighbour (the father of my brother's friend) then she in turn molested my brother,who then abused me.I have always thought that my sister had nothing to do with what my brother did to me.But how can I not hold her responsible?But then how can I? She was all of twelve or thrirteen years old.But I'm very confused.I have read that it can get passed down from offender to victim and that there is always a chance that the victim will go on to offend.The person who I should put the blame on is the neighbour as he was the adult.My sister told my parents at the time that the neighbour was
abusing her and they actually confronted him and were going to press charges.But my sister said that nothing ever eventuated from it and this is just another factor that sent my sister to a mental hospital three years ago and also for all the guilt and shame attached to abusing my brother too.Last night she told me that she will
come with me if I ever want to confront my brother and to get everything out in to the open.I feel that
this is the only way that we all will be able to forgive each other.After my sisters explanation last night
I am ready to forgive both of them.Although this is no excuse, my brother had been abused and was still legally a child when he molested me.I do however blame the adult neighbour who initially abused my sister.
He has since died.My sister only found this out when she tried to find him to confront him.
Aug 9 2006, 09:42 AM
Oh man. That is so sad what happened to your family, datagirl. I can understand why it's confusing, having it all come out now.
I hope Treehugger is still here too, and feels like talking.
I'm devestated by the loss of the "archives" for this thread, 'cause it's been a good support fo rme over the years - but welcome back, everyone. Apparently, even if we can't get over the past, this forum can!
Aug 9 2006, 06:07 PM
Hugs to all survivers here.
I also drew alot from the archives here and even re-reading my own posts was somewhat healing.
Sexual assault is an epidemic.It's a virus that spreads all over the world.
We need a space such as this to conect with others no matter where they are in the world.
There is nothing I can do about my past,but my future is bright and I KNOW that is will be abuse free.
I will keep posting here and hopefully I can help other survivors too.We MUST break the cycle of abuse.
Aug 10 2006, 12:09 PM
At the risk of sounding melodramatic, realizing that the archives were gone felt like a knife slice across my mind.
datagirl, I feel for the situation that your family is in. Do you think that your brother will be able to hear what you have to say? It is amazing and inspiring that you are able to look so deeply into this.
ananke - what is going on that is upsetting you?
Aug 10 2006, 05:36 PM
I have no idea how myself or any of the other survivors live day to day.
All I know is that in my situation work has been my saving grace.The day after my sister told me that she
had molestered my brother I was numb.Now as it's been a couple of days I'm starting to feel confused about
why she kept going back to the neighbour if he hurt her so bad?Did he make it out to be a game,like my brother did to me?It's all just so confusing as to why my parents did'nt press charges at the time.Fucking Hell!!!
If it was my kid I'd wouldve ripped the balls of him and gotten her in to counselling so fast.My head is reeling now and I'm just thinking about all the ways that all the abuse could've been avoided.I feel fucked today,not strong at all,just angry.
Aug 15 2006, 12:51 PM
omg datagirl-i've been on vacation for the week and i'm just skimming, but had to say wow. and whoa. and holy shit dude. that is a huge revelation about your sister being molested. kids DO act things out sometimes, to try to master the abuse or regain their power. this is such a tragic example of this. your feelings about your sister and brother are going to be all over the place, i'd imagine. on the one hand, feeling sad and compassionate towards them for what they experienced, but also so angy at what happened to you. just wanted to say hey real quick, and hang in there.
everyone hang in there-seems like a lot going on for people right now.
Aug 15 2006, 03:10 PM
QUOTE(catwomyn @ Aug 9 2006, 10:59 AM)
I'm still here. I guess I'm more in a lurking place than a posting place right now.
I hope Treehugger is still here too, and feels like talking.
Aug 23 2006, 11:55 AM
hey datagirl-how are you holding up? just checking in- are you still feeling shocky? i hope you are taking good, gentle care of yourself. i imagine you feel a bit like your world has completely fallen apart. i think there is a very good chance that your family CAN heal from this, since your mom is so supportive and your sister is being open now, too.
write us if you feel up to it.
Aug 25 2006, 01:59 AM
For the first time since I was raped I've written a poem not about it in some way! I'm so fucking happy.
Aug 25 2006, 06:49 AM
Yay, ananke! That's awesome. Congrats!
How is everyone else doing?
Yesterday, I was out at a bar with my sister and one of her friends from work. Eventually, the conversation turned towards past realtionships and my sister's friend, although kinda nice, was a tad nosey and a little bit annoying and asked me when the last time I had a bf was. And I said that it was probably a year ago. And she asked me why I broke up with my ex, and being not only annoyed by the question, but also slightly drunk, I had to stop myself from saying, "He was a rapist." I bet she would have shut up after that.
I haven't had a bf since the rapist ex, and i don't know if it's because I've been lonely or whatever, but lately, i find myself thinking about him and missing him. Even though I keep telling myself over and over that he was an ass and didn't care about me or my feelings, it still hurts me a little. Is that completely wrong?
Aug 25 2006, 09:58 PM
cstars124 - at the risk of sounded like a cliched therapist, emotions are not wrong. It makes sense that you had some good memories and that there would be somethings that you missed about him.
Being single can be hard. And it is really hard when people ask questions like that. I have a very hansome gay friend who is always asked by other people why he's single. For a long time his standard answer was some version of "I've run out of places to hide the bodies" or "The police started asking too many questions." Either is a really great response.
Aug 27 2006, 05:19 AM
I have come to accept that a lot of my feelings don't make sense, but the best thing I can do is accept whatever I am feeling. And feel it! And express it!
I have been having many many many flashbacks. But ever since therapy, I can have a crappy sad depressed morning and then move on....I mean literally, just for this day, or the next.
I love this.
Aug 27 2006, 09:41 PM
I'm feeling really angry lately. I just did my counselling intake and they're supposed to get back to me this week to tell me which day I'm going to be seeing a counsellor. Scary and relief at the same time.
But, geez, so angry, at everyone. Angry at him, angry at my parents, my friends, the guys who catcall me on the street, the boy I'm dating...just angry and I don't know what to do.
During my intake the woman told me about how you can make an anonymous police report and give as many details as you can so that if a similar report is ever made they can match up details and contact you if need be. I think I'll do that. I feel like he could do what he did to me to someone else and maybe they won't be as scared and ashamed.
Christ, I'm just so mad tonight and all the time lately. I lay awake at night imagining all the things I'd like to say and do to him.
At a walk-in counsellor I saw (not specializing in sexual assault) she said that maybe one day i would be able to forgive him. I don't think i ever could and would ever want to.
Aug 28 2006, 11:16 AM
wtf? forgive him? why? maybe if he changes his life and does amazing things to help survivors for years and then begs for your forgiveness.
i hate when counselors or whoever get fixated on this idea of "forgiveness." that's fucked right up.
that's SO COOL about the police report. Have you thought about actually pressing charges? I mean I know that's insanely hard, but have you considered it? But that's awesome that you can at least report it, so they'll have it in their numbers, etc.
Aug 28 2006, 02:21 PM
I know. On other message boards I've seen people say that their counsellors said the forgiveness was part of the process. I honestly can't ever see myself forgiving him.
I have thought about pressing charges, but I don't think I will. It's three years past, so i know I still can, but I'm not ready to have my family know, and I feel like in the context it was in (involved in some sort of brief relationship) that there would be a lot of victim blaming(which i know not to buy into) that would just end up making me frusturated.
My first appointment is in 1 week, on the 5th. I think that i will do the anon. report because I feel like it will give me...not exactly a sense of closure, but like i did something more.
Aug 28 2006, 08:36 PM
Hugs to all survivors(((())))))
I've been here,but just hangin out in the crush thread,those guys must think I am pretty neurotic LOL.
It all makes sense now.................
After my sisters revelations to me I met a guy on the net,met him,got drunk with him and slept with him.
I became obsessed with him,which diverted the attention AWAY from what I didn't want to face.I'm never going to see him again.I wanted normality back in my life, I wanted to make loving love......But it backfired obviously.
Thank you Maddy,Im here I'm ok and untill I visited this thread again I was going to blow off my councelling with one of the most trustworthy councellors I have ever met (she specialises in sexual abuse/incest) today.
I thought I was ok,but now that I rethink the last couple of weeks,I've only been existing.
Aug 29 2006, 08:58 AM
erinjane, that makes me feel so sad. all of us are faced with such a shit-ass choice. it makes me furious, too! it's like we have to be willing for our lives to be totally fucked up (again) if we want to press charges. it feels like a no win situation.
i'm glad you can do that anon report, I wonder if I could do something like that, so many years later? I guess I could call the police station and ask. Anyone know how I could find out about that?
Hey datagirl-great to hear from you. glad you are hanging in there. i really hope you go to your appointment today. you deserve to have someone take some of this stress off you, listen to you, etc. i know it's sooo hard and scary, but you are making huge strides!
we are all so cool
RE: forgiveness-yeah, that's a bunch of bull. some people want to forgive, then fine. but i think the push to forgive is the same push to "get over it" and "move on." i think it's more about the counselor's fear of handling your intense rage and other feelings. if a therapist said that to me, i'd be like nice knowing you and i'd be outta there. my first therapist at the rape crisis center in college was like "let's try not to make a mountain out of a molehill." "let's practice techniques that will make it so that your grandfather can't hug you so tight." i was like uh huh, left and never came back. nice rape crisis center, right?
Aug 30 2006, 07:43 AM
erinjane, I go through periods where I am so rageful and angry and resentful and just plain ole' negative. It sucks because their not pleasant feelings, but for me, I know these feelings are like emotional flashbacks. I had all these emotions too when the abuse was happening as a little girl but I couldn't really feel them. So they got stuffed and I zoned out in front of the T.V. and disassociated during the rest of the day. So now, whooosh all these feelings come up and I feel like I am going to go crazy. But they say and this has been true for me, the only way to lessen their intesity is to really feel them and let them take you where they need to take you. Also, it is so important to have a good therapist, I'd rather have no therapist than a bad therapist. If you get a bad feeling from the meetings or whatever, I'd drop her/him. And this is my 2 cents: Forgiveness ain't shit if you don't get angry first. There's a really good book called, The Tao of Fully Feeling: harvesting forgiveness out of blame. He says in this book it's best to get angry first and point the finger and do all that good shit and then you can really forgive, but he also says that you may never do this and that's okay too.
Well, I'm off to work...
Aug 30 2006, 09:46 AM
I love this thread.
Just wanted to say though, that it's NOT the counsellor I'm about to start seeing who said the forgiveness thing. It was a counsellor at a walk-in centre who wasn't a sexual assault counsellor. I knew she was trying to make me feel better but she said a few weird things to me.
Hopefully the gal I'm seeing will be good. The place I'm going to is a really great, has a great reputation and lots of programs, and does some amount of work at the Women's Centre I work at, so I'm pretty optimistic they'll be good. They're actually also the people who get me my BC prescriptions and do my paps because I don't have a GP right now.
Aug 30 2006, 10:25 AM
My rape counselor never told me to forgive him. Instead to relieve myself of the responsibility. That was so hard for me. coming to the understanding that it wasn't my fault. The second hardest thing was getting from the victim stage to the survivor stage. It took me years to do those things.
Sex is still a huge issue for me. because of that it's a huge issue for my companion too. She's angry about what happened too.
Sep 3 2006, 12:44 AM
maddy - reporting times will depend on the statute of limitations where the crime occured. They can change state to state.
As for the discussion that about forgiveness, fuck it. My anger is the one part of this whole deal that is mine to do with as I wish. And I choose to keep it.
maddy - I am cringing to hear that you heard that at an actual rape crisis center. We are supposed to know better than that! It is never okay to minimize someone else's pain.
Sep 3 2006, 11:48 AM
I repeat, my anger is the ONE thing that I get to do with as I wish. I am not a Christian, I do not answer to your god.
And just so that I am clear, while I respect all religious choices this is not a thread for random cut'n'paste bible clippings. Really, it's beyond offensive to deny someone her anger just because you belive we should turn the other cheek. Read some of these posts. Understand our anger. And then we can take any debates you may have about how we should heal to another thread because I will not let this space turn into some religious debate.
Sep 3 2006, 12:40 PM
Could someone tell me how to ignore? I haven't done it yet and I'm not sure how.
Sep 3 2006, 12:51 PM
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO IGNORE CERTAIN POSTERS
You can do this! Just go to MY CONTROLS-> OPTIONS-> MANAGE IGNORED USERS
type in the username of the poster you'd like to ignore, click "Update Ignored Users," and the offending troll is as good as squashed.
Time to put this into practice!
Sep 3 2006, 12:54 PM
Okay, it really does work, although I still get notification that posts are there that are being ignored.
Hang in there everyone. Erinjane, I am glad that I was not the only one in this thread today. Thank you.