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datagirl
So it's been just over 2 weeks since I sent the letter telling my brother that I remember the sexual abuse he inflicted on me as a child.I've heard nothing from him.Nothing.Which tell me two things.1.He's in serious denial.2.He knows what he did was a crime and is shit scared that I'll go to the police about it because he's got kids.Which is part of the reason I sent it.
I'm seriously thinking about going to the police.
What has changed in me since I sent it is NOT a sense of calm,shedding a bright light on a dark corner sort of feeling, but rage.Pure white hot rage.I told my mum that I'd sent him the letter and when I mentioned the police she pretty much said that is would be a bad idea.
The anger has now been transposed onto her.It was my mother that made it hell for my sister when my sister came to my mother at age eleven to report that she was being sexually abused by an adult neighbour.

MY MOTHER DENIES ANYTHING SHE CAN'T DEAL WITH AND SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN!!!!

Sorry but if I don't post here Im going up the mountain to where my brother lives and there's a good chance I'll do some serious damage.
My whole family is completely fucking crazy and I feel like I'm the only sane one.
So I cry,take valium,and try to sleep.
persimmon_grrrl
datagirl: i honor and affirm your writing the letter and speaking the truth. it takes a lot to be there, and to be a seeing, feeling human being whose very memory flies in the face of officiated amnesia.

i trust you will find other people who see as you do, and speak as you do, and act as you do, so that it grows into something like a critical mass and people can speak truth in places other than therapist's offices. speaking as you do not in mimicry, but in the practice of acting, seeing, speaking. you are strong and your anger makes sense.
auralpoison
QUOTE(roseviolet @ Oct 20 2008, 11:27 AM) *
The moment that really resonated with me was the shot of the furniture. I know how that feels. It was stunning to see a show convey that. I've never seen a show where they showed that perspective.


MAJOR trigger. I found myself focusing on the coffee pot or whatever that shiny silver thing on the desk was. I remember just picking a spot out of the way that I could focus on so I could ignore what was happening to me. Mostly the sunflowers that grew just on the other side of the tall grass where things happened. And the way his hand closed over Joan's face. That hand for me was a BIG hand. Far too big for my little six year old face.

I thought I was okay, but I had horrible dreams Monday morning after. I kept feeling somebody trying to pull up the covers to touch me on one side. I fought until I woke up a bit & tucked the covers under me on that side so nobody could get in. When I went back to sleep again, in my dream state I could feel somebody pulling from the untucked side trying to get at me. I fought & fought & kept waking up in cold sweats.

(((((Survivors)))))
datagirl
Here is an edited version of the letter I sent.


This letter is a long time coming.
There are some memories of situations that I want to make known to you that I have lived with for far too long.
You molestered me when I was a child while mum and dad were at work.
They trusted you to look after me.
This is the main reason why I have not spoken to you in a long time.
I'm sending this letter because I don't want the flashbacks of what you
did to me to continue.

This abuse has had such a profoundly negative effect on my life.
The moment you molestered me my whole childhood completely disappeared.

I have lived with the burden of being a sexually abused child nearly all my life.It's your turn to take full responsibility for your actions.
You're an evil,sick individual.I despair at the thought that you may have molestered more girls.
JM (my best girlfriend at the time) can bear witness to that fact. I am sick with worry that you may still be doing this to your own children. If I ever find out that you are continuing to molest children I will have no hesitation in going to the police.
K (our sister) has told me that she molestered you after she herself was molestered by your friend KC's father.
This is no excuse to fuck up my life .I will no longer live with the shame and guilt of what YOU did.
I write this letter also in the hope that you will realise what sexual abuse can do to another human being.It takes away their self esteme,creates a shameful personality,phobias,depression and cripling anxiety.
I do not want any contact with you other than an apology.
ananke
Go Datagirl! Following Persimmon's lead, I too acknowledge and afirm your rage and your story and your awesomeness.
kittenb
I feel very warned about the Mad Men epsiode. I'll know what to expect when I have the DVDs. Which is probably a good thing.
Hands and hand symbolism are very significent to most survivors of CSA, myself included. I've made some art therapy involving hands and eyes. They both resonated with me.

{{{datagirl}}} WOW! Just make sure that you are safe. Best of luck!
deschatsrouge
((((Data))))

It's awesome that you wrote that letter. It seems it took a lot of guts to write. I think it's quite an accomplishment to have ever written it, extra kudos for sending it.
dj-bizmonkey
*delurks*

QUOTE(auralpoison @ Oct 21 2008, 11:44 PM) *
MAJOR trigger. I found myself focusing on the coffee pot or whatever that shiny silver thing on the desk was. I remember just picking a spot out of the way that I could focus on so I could ignore what was happening to me. Mostly the sunflowers that grew just on the other side of the tall grass where things happened. And the way his hand closed over Joan's face. That hand for me was a BIG hand. Far too big for my little six year old face.


just reading both your post and roseviolet's post took me way back as well. i remember staring up at the ceiling, it had that textured, white popcorn look. i concentrated on the feeling of the cool, white wall against my palm. i would take my hand away and then slowly place each finger and then my entire palm back against the wall, focusing on the progression in the change in temperature. the room felt cavernous. i felt trapped, tucked away in the corner on this creaky, twin sized bed. creaking, heavy breathing, cool, white wall.

you are very brave, datagirl. i hope that writing and sending the letter has been healing at the very least.

i've dealt with the initial flood of emotion surrounding my rape. but it has been coming back in waves recently and i'm not sure what triggered it. i feel vulnerable and lonely. part of me wants to scream it out to everyone that i meet, but i know the reaction i get will not be what i'm seeking. confusion, or that sad, piteous look of some one who doesn't know what to say other than, 'i'm sorry.' i also feel shocked and appalled, especially when i come and read this thread. not because of what i read, but because of the sheer magnitude, the sheer number of survivors. then i think about my closest friends, where 5 out of 8 of us have been raped and abused. i feel like i'm spinning, wanting to blame something bigger, beyond just my rapist, because obviously, it isn't just him.
datagirl
I had an argument with my mother about the abuse yesterday.She phoned me at work wondering why she hadn't seen me in three weeks.Great timing!!
She told me that about a year ago she had invited my brother over to talk about the abuse telling him before hand that it was'of a very serious nature'. He admitted to my mum that he had 'done some things to me' as a child and that he never thinks about it now. When I asked my mother why she never told me about this little meeting she said that she was protecting me and that she wanted me to 'get over it'.
I was so pissed at her.I was about to break down at work but my anger just got in front.
So now she wants to 'protect' her kids? What the fuck?? Is there anyone sane on this earth?
She hardly took any action at all when my sister reported that she was being sexually abused by the neighbour.When I brought this up yesterday she said that she did everything she could (she never reported the abuse to the police though.It seems that the denial of the pedaphile at the time was enough for her!!!)
Then she went on the guilt trip at me and said that she had done everything she could for her kids ie she clothed,educated and fed us.
Pity she couldn't report a pedaphile.Pity she never believed my sister.

(((((Survivors)))) Yes.There are far too many of us.
neurotic.nelly
In the past few weeks, I've had some very very very disturbing dreams about the past that aren't accurate in detail but all the major characters are there. The events that are occurring in these dreams are just awful and didn't happen. I HOPE! (I have fears of repressed memories surfacing)

So, I get triggered, and it lasts anywhere from a few minutes to a day. And then I'm fine, because I put in my work to heal this shit. I am proud of myself. But, when my mom calls, I get immediately triggered, and I start being a bitch to her for no reason, and she takes it because of our past, and I get off the phone feeling all kinds of contradictory emotions, pulling me in many directions.

I've been wondering what it would be like to actually like your mom, and how good and comforting and whole it must feel. I love my mom, but sometimes I really don't like her, and when I was a teenager I hated her for her silent consent to my abuse. For her neglect, and emotional abuse. I wish that I weren't triggered right now, because I actually enjoy little bits of time with her, here and there.
deschatsrouge
QUOTE(neurotic.nelly @ Oct 25 2008, 01:59 AM) *

I've been wondering what it would be like to actually like your mom, and how good and comforting and whole it must feel.


I would also like to know what it's like to actually like your mom, because I don't either.
princess_dander
Hey Elvisisvelvet that is amazing that you were able to overcome your fears and go out even when it may have felt a bit unsafe.

Cstars- I was raped by a boyfriend and had the same feelings you did. I had to see him everyday though and each time I knew I would see him I got sick to my stomach and wanted to pass out. For me it was because all three factors you mentioned, it ended badly, we were once close and then he raped me. I had no idea how to make sense of it and that was the hardest for me.

I'm not doing so well myself these days. I had a fling with someone who had personality traits similar to the ex I mentioned and it ended suddenly. He didn't rape me, but he shook my ability to try to get close to a man again and that really sucks. It brought back a lot of uncomfortable feelings and even though we stopped seeing each other over the summer, I feel more distant to everyone and everything than I have in years.

One of the things that happens when I get in these funks in my mother's voice comes back telling me how I am worthless and how no one including herself will ever love me that that seriously fucks me up because i believe it somedays and I just want it to go away and to feel strong again.

thanks for letting me vent ladies.
datagirl
My brother sent me an email last Friday.It was only last night that I got the courage to read it.
He apologized. He knows what he did to me.He said that he's lived with the disgust and guilt for a long time.
He mentioned that he was going to write me a letter but never had the courage up until now.He then went on to say that he's a different person to the one he was then and that the thought of abusing his own kids disgusts him.
He showed the letter I wrote to him to his wife and therapist.He's working through it it seems.
He said that the abuse happened between the ages of 13-15 so I would have been 8-10 at the time.The fact he knew what ages we were is a huge thing because that helps with my memories of the abuse as in what was happening with my family at the time and everything around me.
I really can't believe he even responded but to have him email me with his remorse is so confusing.I have questioned the abuse at times (because he wasn't an adult when he abused me) so the email is ying and yang.
On one hand I have actual confirmation that it was never my fault,that I was sexually abused and that he abused the trust that myself and my parents had in him but the sexual abuse is now validated and it's very confusing and depressing.I should now be on the mend right? I should be in fucking healing mode right?
I feel angry.I feel powerless.I feel sad.I still feel abused. Like maybe he thinks that one email will suddently have me forgive him? I'm really fucked up about this right now.I guess I need to find someone to talk to because Im just so angry and bewildered.
deschatsrouge
QUOTE(datagirl @ Oct 29 2008, 09:39 AM) *
On one hand I have actual confirmation that it was never my fault,that I was sexually abused and that he abused the trust that myself and my parents had in him but the sexual abuse is now validated and it's very confusing and depressing.I should now be on the mend right? I should be in fucking healing mode right?


Some times I say the same thing, I should be okay, I should be better. Frankly, it doesn't work that way. Just because he said sorry, doesn't mean you have forgiven him and moved on. I don't think you should expect yourself to get over it just because he feels bad. Him feeling bad, just means he knows what he did was wrong, it does not mean that you are all of a sudden at peace with it, and well adjusted. No, It may or may not happen some day. What happened to you cut you deeply, don't "should" all over yourself just because he's sorry. Instead of "I should be over it", try" I should get over it when and however the hell I want"
kittenb
datagirl - gods I am so sorry I didn't respond sooner. What dechatsrouge said is dead on. Yes, you have been given an amazing tool to use while you heal but it still up to you when/how you use it. If you want to find someone to talk with I think that would be great. There is no need to "get over it" any sooner that you do. This is your time and you answer to no one.
deschatsrouge
((((Data))))
treehugger
oh, gaaa. I found the profile of the one who gave me the brain injury, on facebook.

She is fat and ugly.

But, I am obsessed, I cannot click off of her picture. Blech.
femmelawren
hello everybody. I'm having a pretty rough time lately, dealing with the rape/torture I endured as a small child. My half uncle, who lived with us for the 6 years the abuse was taking place, got married a few years ago and had a baby boy, which disgusted me but I knew he only likes little girls so I somehow was able to live with myself. He had a baby girl in November and I have been a total wreck ever since I found out. My parents never knew about what happened until they accidentally found out after my grandfather's funeral, a decade after it finally ended. Now they say it wasn't my fault, I was 6 when it started, etc. but they do nothing but criticize me every time I speak to them, telling me I should have come forward, that they would have believed me, that I'm being a coward and basically giving him permission to rape his daughter by not doing anything about it now. I know intellectually that they're wrong and however I handle it is my business and is right as long as its the right choice for me, but in my heart I believe them. Part of me feels like I asked for this somehow and my decision not to tell anyone comes from my own shame for what I did. I don't remember things the way a lot of you have said you do. I remember every detail vividly as if I were in that moment, but my focus was always right on him. In his eyes. On making him happy, anticipating his needs and desires, to please him as best as I could. I didn't look at the ceiling or coffee pots or our surroundings at all. New memories have been resurfacing in technicolor detail. Before, I thought I remembered it all. I knew where every member of my family was every time. I knew what time of year certain things happened. I remembered everything as if it were yesterday. I could tell you what we had eaten for dinner, what my parents were watching on tv, and the fight I'd had with my sister each day. And there were countless days and nights. It wasn't just a handful or sporadic occurrences. But somehow, I have been remembering more, for the first time ever. Part of me thinks I made them up but they're too graphic to be nightmares. My therapist is useless. She tells me to turn off a lightswitch, as my 6 year old self, in the memory/dream/flashback/whatever, because in dreams the lights don't go off when you flip them, apparently. If I could control the events in the dreams/memories, I wouldn't be having them at all! I can't talk to anyone about this stuff in real life, because they all are too invested in it. My fiance is wonderful, and was a counselor for abused and abandoned kids for 10 years before she became ill and had to go on permanent disability, but she loves me too much to be anything but angry when I share these things with her. She just wants to kill him, which only makes me more anxious and stressed. I end up talking to my therapist about my relationship troubles with my fiance instead of the horrible flashbacks I'm grappling with because she aggravates me with these abstract theoretical rationales for everything I feel. I can't get a new one because I can't afford anything but my college counseling center and she's the sexual abuse counselor there. I waited 8 months to get an appointment with a local rape crisis counseling center but I stopped going there when my therapist tried to force me to take medication, which I seriously do not want to do. I feel better having vented here, because I feel like you are all so strong and amazing because we've all survived so much, somehow, and you're still living.
kittenb
{{{{{{Treehugger}}}}}}} The obsession makes sense and I am happy to hear that this person's outsides are showing what her insides also look like.

{{{femmelawren}}} It sounds like you are in a very intense part of your healing and it is unfortunate that your therapist isn't up to the challange. I've never heard about the "turning off the lightswitch" thing. I wonder who that does work for. Are you having dreams or flashbacks? If they are flashbacks, meaning you are still awake while it is happening, there are some tricks that might work, such as focusing on breath, clapping your hands, anything that helps root you to the ground. Experiment until you find something. However, if they are dreamed memories...I don't know. I don't know how to control the actions of a dream.
As for your fiancee, have you tried asking her to just listen to you and not respond? Maybe she could write down her thoughts if she felt she needed to share them and you could read them at your own pace. How would that feel to you?
With regards to some percieved responsibility to report, that is up to you. If you decide that you want to, one suggestion is an anonymous report to a mandated reported in your or the abuser's area. Honestly, your therapist might be one. But if you call the RAINN hotline you will be directed to the rape crisis hotline in your area. This person should be a mandated reporter who has to file the details on child abuse. The number is 1-800-656-HOPE. Good luck!
deschatsrouge
((((Femmelawren)))), I have been able to turn off my flashbacks. It took a lot of practice. I do it by reminding myself that I get to decide what goes on in my head, it is my head after all. When I sense a flashback seeping into my consciousness I take a deep breath, I say to myself that I know what it is, I know what happens, and then I let it go. I remind myself I don't have to relive it if I don't want to. I have to ground my self into reality by taking in reality with my senses. Touching or looking at cement is my thing because it's everywhere, I feel it's roughness, and notice it's color and focus on the experience of it. If there is no cement then I touch or smell Mrs. Rouge. I suppose it you wanted to you could have a worry doll or a special object for this purpose. I may still feel a little sad, but then I remind myself it wasn't my fault. Some times there is a very strong trigger, and I don't stop it in time, but this hasn't happened in many years.

I'd like to say that it took me years of therapy to be able to do this. Perhaps you could find a PTSD specialist to help learn some coping mechanisms.

((((Tree))))
ananke
i've been away for a while, mostly dealing with pregnancy. I was really sick for a while - it's hard feeling so out of control. There's crap like having swollen genitals and i just get anxious about having physical arousal without an emotional component. I'm having to deal with a shit ton of fear as well, and the anxiety makes the physical crap worse.

But the latest crap is just too much this time. And liking your mother makes it so much fucking worse when she's a dick to you. It hurts because she doesn't do shit like this, but all of a sudden it's my fault they treated my brother like shit (short version - my brother stayed with my parents for longer than expected after he broke up with his girlfriend, and developed a pretty bad drinking problem. My parents decide that this is because he's becoming a junkie user like my uncle and start giving him shit - petty petty constant shit, that he's useless because he doesn't have a good job, doesn't earn a shit ton, doesn't have a new girlfriend blah blah blah, mostly from my father. So he gets a better job but moves back to the shithole we grew up, the place with massive drug/abuse/violence problems. Mum calls me worrying about it, and I let slip he's got bipolar. All of a sudden I should have said something when I first found out, because a 22 year old failing out of a course he loves, drinking too much and not leaving his room didn't ring alarm bells).

Particularly the fact they told me over and over and over again that I was wrong about the shithole we lived in. That I should have been grateful to live in a little community because 'we know who all the bad people are, it doesn't happen more, it's just more visible'. Bull-fucking-shit. It's 45 minutes from a department store. no local jobs above entry level. No high school. High drug use, domestic violence and assault rates. A culture of sexual predators. But hey, it wasn't the culture's fault that I'm the only person I know from the area who finished my degree and only four others have an actual career. And no drug habit. It wasn't the culture's fault that I lost four friends to drugs and running away with older men.

But now my brother goes back? Oh, suddenly it's a horrible place. Never mind the violence and harrassment and bullying I copped. Never mind the creepy old men that were fucking NORMAL because they didn't actually assault girls, they just leered. Never mind what I said.

But I should be more understanding, daddy has depression...his rants against crazy fucking losers and junkies and welfare frauds and whiners don't count. I should ignore that.

And she wonders why we don't tell them that we all have had diagnoses of depression.

*growls*

Anyway, as for flashbacks, I seem to get runs of them being bad. Unable to stop them bad. But I've found it's easier if I know I can't avoid it, then I'll think my way through it. Remember one bit, one section. I'm going to think about it anyway, but this way I don't get the full force. I do the distraction thing now it isn't as bad - if I feel it coming i get up and move and DO something. I find it's a lot worse if I'm passive - cooking was great before the morning sickness got bad. Otherwise I do something - clean, organise (slightly obsessively), write, anything that really makes me concentrate.
kittenb
{{{{anake}}}} I am so sorry that you have to deal with all of this crap especially at a time when you should be able to be totally self-absorbed and glowing. And I am being serious about that.

I don't know what to say about the family problems and I am a little confused. Did your brother move back to the town you grew up in and then developed the drinking problem? And I agree with you. I wasn't safe in a tiny little town either. At least in big cities we don't have such heavy blinders on.

{{{{love and light}}}}
ananke
It's a confusing situation, but my brother developed the drinking problem while living with my parents - apparently I'm to blame because if i'd spilled the beans earlier my mother would have done something OTHER than yell at him for drinking too much.

Because the child of an alcoholic doesn't ever repeat the behaviour...and yelling works so well!

i've realised that a lot of my angst is coming from fear - I don't want my kid to hate their dad the way I did, or go through what I did.

And I'm glowing like I'm radioactive - 46.7 degrees celcius today, hottest day ever in my city *melts*
deschatsrouge
((((anake))))
ananke
The news in my country is finally catching up with the fact that football players gang rape women. Shock fucking horror.

The kicker? Apart from me being stupid enough to read the transcript of one of the shows? The fluff news had a piece about it following dipshits arguing that women should just have sex with their husbands because it's unfair not to.

Like the two things are never fucking connected.
MsKissyStarfish
EMDR therapy is the only real thing that helped me. I tried out 3 other therapists before I found the right one for me. The techniques such as creating a safe place, self hypnosis, and viewing my traumas in a movie theatre of the mind really helped me get through flashbacks, fears, PTSD, etc. I swear it is the only the thing that kept me sane when pregnant (also during labor and delivery) and dealing with all of the stuff that came back up. Had another rough patch when my daughter was ages 4 and 5 as that is when my most damaging abuses occurred. The book that helped a great deal even after I no longer went to my psychiatrist was The Courage to Heal. Wishing you the best Ananke. *gentle hugs*
treehugger
((((hugs to all survivors out there...both those who are posting here, and those who are lurking)))))

I just have to chime in on "the courage to heal"....awesome book!!
thirteen
I am so horribly depressed. Alone, angry, tired, anxious. Two months till I can get on meds. Living with my sister who knows I am going through these problems because of the abuse I survived when I was a child, but she won't reach out and help. She brings up our abusive father right in front of me (even though I have told her to please stop doing that)!

Just the other day she said, "I feel so bad for not calling dad on Father's Day... I should call him in a few days and apologize..." whilst I just stared at her in total disbelief and finally managed to stammer that she shouldn't call him at all, given the fact that he treated his family like shit for years.

My sister is hoping to marry her boyfriend at some point and is actually going to invite my dad to the wedding. When I told her that I would absolutely not show up if the abuser was there, she stupidly replied, "I don't know...it is sad that both of you can't attend..." She was not abused like I was, but knows exactly what I went through-- and still says things like this. Sometimes I hate her. Really-- how vacant can you get?

You know, I am even more upset than normal because I just replied to a post about a very sad topic. Really must avoid things like that...

Probably I just need to go and have something to drink and eat, and will feel better. Keep telling myself to hold on, do not give up... but that is incredibly difficult when nobody around me will listen or have even the slightest bit of empathy.

I AM JUST SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
kittenb
Thirteen - Welcome to Survivor's Space! I hope you find some support here. The situation that you are in sounds awful. I've heard before about familes who have had to basically split because of abuse like what you went through. It is unfortunate that you might have to loose out on family events now that you are an adult for something that was NOT your fault.
Why do you have to wait for the medication? Are you also seeing a therapist or interested in seeing one? Please feel free to post here as often as you want to.

I need to vent! I am going to flip the fuck OUT if I hear much more about Michael Jackson. I'l loose it! I'm one of the people who believed that he abused children (inclu. if the reality show The Cory's was understood correctly, both of them as young boys.) So everytime I see some weeping fan talking about how much he meant to them, all I hear is "That child molester was so talented!" For years I have worked to avoid his movies or his stupid freakish face. Now he is all over my damn Facebook homepage! Argh! And, I think I even pissed off a Bustied that I really liked b/c I mentioned that I belived him to be an abuser. That was all I said. I figure, let the damn fans have their day but GOOD LORD, every website I go to, I see a child molester! I turn on the TV to watch The Mentalist and instead I get, "Let's mourn the child molester." It is worse than nails on a chalkboard. It is like nails on my soul.

When I started to notice how much anger was rising up in me last night, I realized that, having grown up on his music like every other child my age did, realizing he was a freak was just realizing that another adult could not be trusted around children.

I feel a little better getting this out here. I hope I haven't just stomped all over someone's childhood hero but this is the one place I will not be silenced!

Frankly, I wish he'd died years ago so that this media circus was long over by now.
auralpoison
You can be pissed all you like, I don't have a problem with it, but the Two Coreys were very specific in saying that it wasn't Michael Jackson who abused them, it was Feldman's assistant.
kittenb
Thanks for the clarification, AP. I didn't do my homework on that.
treehugger
Just wanted to share what I think is a milestone...

I got a tattoo last week. It's a fleur de lis (New Orleans' symbol) with the New Orleans motto "laissez les bon temps rouler" which means, "let the good times roll". I associate that city with fun and happiness. It is where Bear and I went on our first vacation together, and probably the first time in my life I felt really, truly, happy and centered in myself. I went through a lot in my healing process.

I put the tattoo almost dead center of my back. That spot is a place where I have stored a lot of negative trauma and negative emotions. It's where, when I was beaten and got my brain injury, the perpetrators smashed my back with bricks. So I've always refused to let people and lovers touch me there because I just have this instinct to completely flinch away and it brings terrible memories. So I decided I wanted to put something happy there. I was so proud of myself-I explained the whole thing to the tattoo artist and he was incredulous and said, "and you want me to tattoo you THERE?" He was SO gentle with me and I gave him a huge tip.

So, now every time I put lotion on it or do the tattoo aftercare ritual, it's like I'm cleansing that area from the negativity and allowing happiness in. I'm pretty happy I did it.
deschatsrouge
Congrats tree!
koffeewitch
Hey sisters... this is my first time here in survivor's space. Just as I feared, a lot of the comments shared really brought out scary feelings and memories and quite a few tears.

Treehugger: your last post made me cry in a really good way. smile.gif Thank you for sharing your tattoo story; I thought it was really inspiring.

My first conscious memory was of being sexually abused. I must have been less than 2 years old. I totally can relate to the comments about feeling grief when your own children reach the age at which you were most often abused. It's like you look at your innocent child (looking so much like you) and think WHAT KIND OF SICK DEREANGED BLOODY FUCKING ASSWIPE OF HUMANITY DOES THAT TO A BABY?? Or to ANYBODY for that fucking matter...

I'll end this on a more satisfactory note. I used to imagine my abuser literally dying from guilt...as if KNOWING what he did would drive him insane and poison his mind and body. When I was about 16, he died of some kind of strange brain tumor hemmorhage thingie. And he died slowly. With one of his own daughters confronting him on his death bed in front of the entire family. I wish I coulda been a fly on the wall, but even knowing it happened helps a little bit. smile.gif Thanks for letting me share that. It's been a long time since I've "talked" about this shit...
kittenb
Tree - that is fantastic! Good for you. Makes me wish we could still post pics here so that we could all see it.

Welcome koffeewitch and thank you for sharing some of your story. I hope you feel comfortable talking here as much as you want to.
treehugger
kittenb: as soon as the backne I developed from the salve goes away, I'll take a picture and post a link.

((((koffewitch)))) so sad that your first conscious memory was of being abused. Feel free to share, or not share, lurk, or not lurk, as much as you want here.

((((hugs to all the survivors...whether they post here or not))))
deschatsrouge
((((Koffee))))

This place has the best listeners in the world in my opinion.
koffeewitch
Thanks guys! Did anybody else see that terrible story about actress Mackenzie Phillips yesterday (the daughter of John and Michelle Phillips of The Mamas and the Papas and a actor in her own right during the 70/80s)??

My god that woman was sexually abused by her father for over a decade, was pregnant with what may have been his child... I can never listen to the M and the P ever again now, without thinking what a fucked up piece of shit John Philips was... Anyway, Mackenzie just published a memoir called "High on Arrival" where she breaks the life long secret and talks about her self destruction and her healing jouney.
kittenb
No I didn't see that story. Wow, though, it might make an interesting book to read. I stopped reading many survivor accounts years ago but now that I am doing counseling I need to start reading them again. If nothing else, it helps to have book recommendations for my clients.
auralpoison
*bump*
ananke
That is so awesome treehugger! Just amazing.
circledot
thanks auralpoison.
I'm in a long term commited relationship (almost 2 years). He is the most amazing person I have ever met and I can't imagine life without him. Everything in our relationship has been so good, except one area. Our sex life was briefly wonderful but over time slowed to an absolute crawl. After me crying and lots of discussions I got the sense that he had anxiety about sex, we tried taking it slow, more intimacy etc, but nothing seemed to get better. I asked him to see a therapist but he refused.
Over time it came out that he had been abused by a family member when he was a child as well as in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship in college. I have been supportive, patient, not pushed, and thankfully he has decided that he wants to see a therapist and has gone a few times now.
But I feel powerless. I want to help more but I don't know how.
I'm also struggling with my own feelings- for a long time I didn't understand the full extent of what was going on and only interpreted his behavior in relation to the two of us. I thought that he was no longer attracted to me, I was angry at him and frustrated that he didn't seem to care we were not having sex, couldn't see that for me it is an important part of a relationship. That he didn't see he was hurting me. I think I should feel better now that he seems to realise how much it has affected me (and him!) and our relationship, and that he can't go on ignoring his problems.
But I still have these residual feelings. And I feel really guilty for feeling them. I feel selfish. I know his non-interest in sex has nothing to do with me, but it still hurts. He told me that sex messes everything up, that its a violent act and he loves me so much, which is I guess why he was more sexual before we really fell in love.
I read some old posts on this thread and it kills me to think how much he must be suffering.
It's not his fault and it's not mine and it seems so unfair, I get so angry that these people have hurt my perfect man.
I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice. It's all so confusing. Are there any books that anyone would recommend? I want to help him, and I need to help myself too to keep the relationship strong. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, the most supportive, caring, playful and intelligent person and I won't give up.
Sorry this is so long, it's just come pouring out. I have no one to talk to about this and its so hard.
circledot
I have to add that just writing that down was very cathartic and I had a long cry. I am so glad that this forum exists. I've been letting my guilty and angry feelings eat me up for so long.
I also just ordered a book from Amazon- Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child - Laura Davis, which I found after looking up "The Courage to Heal" which was mentioned below. Just reading the book reviews and descriptions made me feel a tiny bit better.
But I would still like your thoughts! I trust my Busties.
x
vermilionkiss
Treehuger, your post brought tears to my eyes!

This is a place I need to be... here in this thread... but I am going to take a bit to build up the courage.
kittenb
Circledot - that was the book I was going to recommend that you start with. Let us know what you think.

Welcome circledot and vermilionkiss!!!
treehugger
Yesterday I had a little bit of a strange experience. I've been working quite a bit with one specific co-worker, and we've begun to kind of bond with each other-we have begun to tell each other pretty deep secrets and have a vow of secrecy between us, that nothing we say to each other gets told to the rest of the shop. I've told him some of the things that I only confess in the confessions thread.

Anyway, he is, on the outside, one of the most macho, huff-and-puffer guys I know, not afraid to get in a brawl, spent 20 years as a bouncer in a bar, biker guy, has hundreds of guns, etc. You get the picture.

And yesterday he told me he was raped at the age of 12. And I saw a glimpse of a scared little boy behind that facade. I feel pretty honored that he felt like he could tell me.
koffeewitch
I've had a few guys confess rape/sexual abuse to me (usually, not always, when we were getting high and they felt safe enough to talk about it). It's always kind of earth shattering when I know some super macho tough guy and all of a sudden I get a glimpse of that scared, hurt little boy that lives beneath all of that armor. Treehugger, it's wonderful that you apparently exude some kind of aura that allows people to feel safe opening up to you.

BTW, I HATEHATEHATE all the jokes in movies, pop-culture, etc. about men getting raped in prisons/lockerrooms, whatever. All of the "don't drop the soap" jokes. There is nothing funny about rape; I don't care who it is happening to. I know this is beyond obvious to all of us, but for some reason society at large sees men getting raped as some enormous laugh riot.

Did you guys see that story on the news yesterday about the gang-rape in California? A girl was raped for 2 and a half hours while on-lookers cheered and filmed it. NOBODY intervened or called the police. They didn't want to be snitches. (I guess they have no problem being accessories to rape just as long as they're not snitches). mad.gif
kittenb
QUOTE(koffeewitch @ Nov 6 2009, 12:22 PM) *
I've had a few guys confess rape/sexual abuse to me (usually, not always, when we were getting high and they felt safe enough to talk about it).

The few men whom have told me their assault stories in non-work situations have always been drunk or high.

QUOTE(koffeewitch @ Nov 6 2009, 12:22 PM) *
BTW, I HATEHATEHATE all the jokes in movies, pop-culture, etc. about men getting raped in prisons/lockerrooms, whatever. All of the "don't drop the soap" jokes.

DITTO!!!

QUOTE(koffeewitch @ Nov 6 2009, 12:22 PM) *
Did you guys see that story on the news yesterday about the gang-rape in California? A girl was raped for 2 and a half hours while on-lookers cheered and filmed it. NOBODY intervened or called the police. They didn't want to be snitches. (I guess they have no problem being accessories to rape just as long as they're not snitches). mad.gif


This story freaked me out and has thrown more then one of my clients for a total loop. I just want to go to that girl and help her and hold her until all of those assholes are thrown in jail.
auralpoison
When did prison rape become comedy? Really? It makes me feel horrible every time I see it/hear it. There is an entire section in the David Wain (Whom I love, Wet Hot American Summer, anyone?) movie the Ten that is about how Rob Cordry wants to be the prison guy raping Ken Marino every night instead of Marino's cellmate. It bothers me a lot.
treehugger
QUOTE(kittenb @ Nov 8 2009, 09:30 AM) *
The few men whom have told me their assault stories in non-work situations have always been drunk or high.


See, that is what was weird, it was at work. No alcohol or drugs involved, just an at work conversation, over bologna sandwiches. I could totally see the scared little boy there, too, and what struck me was how he talked about how it affected him (no girlfriends through high school, scared of sex, didn't know what sex was when it was happening, etc) and it just struck me, that men are just as traumatized by it as women. They just have a bigger stigma against TALKING about it.

Another thing that struck me, he was raped by a woman. It's easy to think, because he wasn't penetrated, that he wasn't traumatized. But, I tell you, knowing him as intimately as I know him, he was deeply traumatized.
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