Dec 19 2007, 12:22 PM
You reaaaally need to get a life. Better yet a woman.
With much love,
Dec 19 2007, 02:22 PM
What the fuck is going on with you? I'm just trying to throw a little party here tomorrow. Did you know how much we spent on food and booze? A whole fucking lot. I know I'm only inviting two people. But, you're one of them. So be glad. I've spent the last two days (and I praticely cut my finger off with a sudoku knife) prepping for it. Mcgeek doesn't hate you. He just thinks you're annoying as hell. All this woe-is-me I don't have a job crap. Yet, you keep a job for 2 weeks every time!! How long has that been happening? A year, two? I know it's hard out there. Just don't insult him. I know we all get into bad moods once in a while. You caught him in one that night. He hates Christmas, and he had a bad day at work. I don't insult your asshat of a man. Can you say commitment problems? You've been with him 4 years, and he doesn't call you his girlfriend!! DTMFA! I know you're mad of me, because I have a real relationship, and a decent job. I'm moving in with M next year (yet it scares me a little). Just if you don't want to come, don't. But quit calling me every fucking day about your job woes. One day I will just tell you to fuck off. Hell, it may be tomorrow. Oh yeah, I hate your asshole boyfriend. He treats you like dog shit. Do you not have the ovaries to leave him?
Quit calling me three hours before a shift on my day off, and ask me to work. I know it's Christmas. I had the day off. I wanted to just curl up and watch tv, and order takeout. Don't get bitchy at me for not working.
Thanks for the gift.
Dec 19 2007, 10:48 PM
Dec 19 2007, 11:06 PM
Dear Mrs. Convenience,
When the f*ck are you going to grow up?! You honestly don't have a f*cking CLUE why I became so mad at you in the first place. And then you were too chicken shit to even tell me yourself that you weren't coming to the party and you were even too chicken shit to call me after Ms. Drag and Ms. Emo crashed my party when I told them NOT TO COME OVER THREE TIMES!!!
The fact is, I'm not just only pissed about how you ditched my party(wait, OUR PARTY, since you helped planned it, yet I PAYED FOR ALL THE FREAKIN' FOOD AND DRINKS AND PREPARED EVERYTHING WITH MY BROKEN F*CKING LEG). Oh no, it started a few years before when I caught onto your little trick of how you use me and other people to get what you want and to go where you want. You were such a flake about hanging out and all you ever want to do is talk about you and how you were SO traumatized by your past relationships and how you don't know why certain boys are calling you up and asking to fuck you again. IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE A CHEAP ASS WHORE AND YOU DRESS LIKE ONE! DUH! And don't try to act like you're not FAT by calling those a smidge bigger then you fat when you are CLEARLY fat yourself, sweetheart.
I thought to myself, maybe she'll change. But you didn't, you got worse and that stunt that you pulled at my party was the final straw, BITCH! THAT'S why I broke our friendship! Not just because you "couldn't come to the party", but because I was fed up with all the BULLSHIT and CRAP I had to take over the years of being your best friend. I gave and gave and gave and gave and GAVE and didn't get anything in return except for some company maybe.
Thank goodness I don't have you letting me down anymore...it was getting pretty tiresome. Merry Christmas Con...and God Bless.
Oh yeah, and you're brothers a f*ckin' prick.
Sincerly not your friend anymore,
Dec 20 2007, 01:27 PM
I found your myspace page today. You haven't signed on in 10 days. At least I know you were alive ten days ago. I even sent some of your myspace friends who I remember you mentioning messages to see if any of them have seen you or heard from you. These partying, drug using, so called friends who enable you probably won't have the fucking balls to write me back even though I was very nice and practically begged to hear from them that you are okay. I even left you a message with my phone number and email address so you can get in touch with me. I won't tell anyone that I heard from you if you don't want me to. I think I know which asshole on your page is the guy your are staying with. Oh yes, I sent him a message too. It was nice. Just wanted to know if he was "the guy" and if you are with him and if you are okay. I'm holding back. Only, because I'm so scared for you. I hope you write me back. I love you and miss you.
Dec 22 2007, 05:05 PM
wow. so you're pissed, eh?
i know it's been, oh, 3 months since i've seen you, but last time i checked we had the same sense of humor. so when you got my xmas gift--the atypical but insanely funny gift--i was waiting for the text that said, "wow, that's fucked up, let's go get a beer", not "wow. that's fucked up...i see" complete with no reply back. i mean seriously. do i know you? it's like when my mother laughes at my jesus jokes but then chastises me for hating fox news. i came home to see people, and you are/were at the top of my list. i am not so petty so as to suggest that i can have another you back where i have my life.
fuck you, and i'm having a beer with you tonight, so bring it.
Dec 23 2007, 12:05 AM
dear you -
come on. I don't doubt you had a rough night, but I've seen you pull it together the morning after a rough night. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt because I know you had a lot on your plate tonight. Are you sure you'll be able to make it tomorrow? Don't blow your chance with me... seriously. I went out on a limb, but that doesn't make you so special I'll put up with bullshit. You're pretty lucky that I'm giving you another shot, because in my world any more, I'll give someone the open door, but if they don't walk through, I won't stand there waiting. I'm a busy girl and don't have time for that shit. I told you today the door was still open, but it will close if you flake again - and that includes all the side benefits of me. You don't get the milk for free. You have to buy the cow to get it.
Dec 24 2007, 09:26 AM
You are my heart. However, I can't stand the snoring nor can I understand why you would be out drinking all night before we have to drive three hours to see your family. You reek of alcohol and smoke plus I worry about you driving home all fucked up. Please stop. you are a glutton for punishment. I will have no sympathy for your hung over ass. Plus you still have to wrap all the presents. Consider yourself lucky that you lost the bet about lunch with my family tomorrow.
you fuckin suck I realize that you are having a hard time but you could have at least gotten our mother a PRESENT for her 65th birthday. And I am so over trying to be a friend to you when your only response is a one sentence email. I will be there for Fi but you are a total miserly bitch. Suck it.
Dec 24 2007, 01:22 PM
I miss you.
I know that's obvious, but frecklette & I just put the turkey in the oven and I made her help me and she was all grossed out so I did the icky parts- the parts I traditonally make YOU help me with- and it's just hit me again that you're not going to come home right now.
a stupid urealistic part of me keeps thinking you're going to suprise us though, even though I know we have probably at least another month or more yet.
and when you call, and gosh oh maud am I hoping you can get a line out today or tomorrow, it's going to be worse, bc at some point, we're going to have to hang up eventually, and the lonliness is going to hit all over again 3 fold.
but you know we're more proud of you than the world, and never ever waver in our comittment of what you and we do and why, so please don't worry about your girls back here honey.
we're waiting, not so patiently, and missing you.
please be safe on this day especially,
Dec 24 2007, 02:51 PM
ok, I can deal with a cancellation or backing out - christ, it's a date, it's not like I'm gonna marry you or something... but to just NOT answer my text? That's just fucking rude. It's not the way to treat any girl, especially me. .. and you know you're gonna see me tomorrow, so it's just plain dumb.
Believe me, I will be telling you that it's really rude. you need a little training.
Dec 25 2007, 07:30 PM
So how about that drink?
Dec 26 2007, 12:19 PM
You know, I'd hoped and prayed that this year would be different. I'd hoped that we'd be able to spend Christmas as a family and you and I would be able to sit down and talk civilly. I finally got some things off my chest to you - but you'll never remember it because you were too drunk when I said it. Which is really sad because now, I see that you could care less what your family feels, you just want to drink yourself into oblivion. We're not trying to control you, but perhaps someone needs to take control of your life before you end up killing somebody out there on the road. Lord only knows what possesses you to drive (even short distances) when you're so drunk you can't even walk straight. I pray that no one gets hurt because of you, you'd have to live with that for the rest of your life; and so will we.
I understand you're sad about your mom, brother, and dad being gone. But dont use that as an excuse for the next 17 years later to get plastered! Its time to let all that go, they're not coming back. I think 17 years has been long enuff to deal with loss and what you've been through. You need to get help ASAP or you'll never be able to cope. Stop being selfish! If you're not going to take care of yourself, at least go to the VA Hospital and get things in order so that my mother will be taken care of should something happen to you! You OWE her that much for putting up with your shit all these years. I cannot even imagine how much it hurts her to see her husband turn into a blithering DRUNK idiot after being with him since the age of 15. Its not right! If you can't quit drinking, the least you could do is make sure your WIFE wants for nothing. She should have left your dumb selfish ass a long time ago! And by the way, don't you ever again kid yourself and say that I'm anything like you. Bullshit! I'm nothing like you and never will be.
You used to be my hero, now you're just someone I can't stand to be around. And that hurts. I miss my father. You are obviously not the man that raised me. You're a slave to that alcohol and marijuana, and who knows what else. I will keep praying for you, but also praying for myself as wel.
Dec 29 2007, 05:48 PM
Yes, it's me. You left this world in 1999...and you were worried about Mom back then. Well, she isn't doing well. I saw her over christmas and, she is in diapers, babbling gibberish, needing to be spoonfed, calling me "mommy". She is so tortured and confused and it makes my bones ache to see it. It hurts to see her trying to stand up, standing on her own toes and not knowing why she can't walk. It breaks my heart.
Can you please speak with her spirit guides and tell them she's learned enough for this lifetime? She needs to go home, before her mind is tortured too much more.
Dec 30 2007, 12:02 AM
Please please please behave. I can't breathe and I'm miserable and I have to ride on a public bus for 7 hours in a little while. Please stop being a pain in the ass (or face, as the case may be). Please don't give me a fever and cough for New Years. I want to wear my hot little mini-dress and stilettos regardless of my body issues and make out with a hot stranger and roam around Austin with my old friend I haven't seen in forever. I need this in my life right now. Don't fuck it up for me, dammit.
-Your pained owner.
((((((treehugger and konphusion))))))
Dec 30 2007, 04:42 PM
Really glad. Totally pleased and scared. Your honesty and insight give me chills. The good, creepy kind.
What i wanted to tell you, after i'd said everything else, was "I am fucked up and hurt. You could make this better or worse. Or more accurately, i could make this better or worse. Watch out."
So many things i want you to do to me.
Dec 30 2007, 11:25 PM
Ex wife bitch,
Okay I know you and Mcgeek had a past. I get it. Hell, I even sort of understand it. You were married to him.
I was just beginning to love him, and I don't know trust him. We had an awesome Christmas with no family. Just us. How we should be. Then you have to call the other morning? The worst part is, I could hear your annoying voice. Then I sort of went crazy because I realized the house I will be moving in, is yours. Or rather, it was. I'm trying to establish all these awesome memories with this man, and you have to invade this house. Please stop calling. At least when I'm around.
God you're an asshole. Your defense was that I still talk to some of my exs. Yes, but they're not calling me. This lead me to become paranoid as fuck, and think you were screwing your ex wife. I found out that you emailed her without telling me. Hell, I want to trust you. I want to love you. Just doing this though, makes me wonder if I should move in next month.
Dec 31 2007, 01:45 AM
dear dad -
I look at you and you look so small and old. You're still up and around and really active and healthy and normal for someone as old as you, I know. But when I see you at dinner looking so small at the head of the table, and walk out to the car with you a lot more slowly than I've ever done, and help you step gently over the ice, I want to cry. I'm going away and I don't know if this is the last time I'll see you. Chances are no, it's not - but you never know. All the stuff, the way you treated me when I was young doesn't even really matter any more. I've mostly come to terms with it, and still working through the little that's left. And I pretty much forgave you and let you be the person you've mellowed out into, a long time ago. Though you'd never admit it, I think that those health scares changed you, made you much more happy and openly appreciative of everything around you.. and I'm glad. It's been really nice to see you and mom being together the last 10 years or so. Which makes it all the harder to look at you, 80 years old. You're my dad. It's hard to see you be an old man - and since I only get to actually see you a couple times a year, you look all the more old and small each time I'm here. I just want to grab you and hug you and thank you for putting me here and tell you that I love you. I don't know what's stopping me - probably because I know that you'd feel really uncomfortable with that, because you are your stoic self. But I do. And though there is a reason we move away - because it's not easy to be under the same roof as your parents for long as an adult - there's a part of me that wants to spend every waking hour with you, and get what I can, while you're here. But I have to go away in two days and though I know I'll talk to you, I hope I get to see you soon.
I love you,
Dec 31 2007, 10:14 AM
What the heck? Wow. Talk about a change in attitude from before. I like it. You're a good shit.
Jan 1 2008, 11:07 PM
wish you could just tell me damnit; you know how I hate the not knowing.
wrapped your presents tonight tho, and this weekend we're going to start " The CLEANING" but you know don't expect too much bc this is still me we're talking about!
absolutely positively cannot wait~
hey, long time ey?
wanted you to know that frecklette & I thought about you last night, about new year's eve of '07 when you were with us, and we shot the tiny confetti canons off the deck, and yelled at the top of our lungs and ate our kamikaze cake w/ the exploding food coloring frosting and were silly and it was so fun and we wondered if you were thinking about it and remembering us too maybe?
it's been a while sinse you last wrote frecklette and told her you were moving, again.
I never wrote you honey, bc I was/am always afraid that your dad will discover the emails, and have a coniption fit and make things worse for you. my meager contribution to your saftey such as it is that comes attatched to a selfish heartache.
but it's not bc I don't care sweetheart, or have forgotten about you, bc not a day goes by I don't still think about you, worry about you, wish I had been smarter or better to think of another way to have handled things so you either were still some part of our lives or were able to come live with us period.
bc you know that's what I wanted right?
I know I never out & out voiced that to you bc I knew it was a long shot and would be cruel to even start to get your hopes up, but that is what I wanted. you fit in our family like a pea in a pod.
sweet girl, what I did say to you, every chance I got, about 'if you EVER need me, I'll be here' still rings true. I even didn't change our phone # once so you could still find us.
my wish and hope for you in '08 is that you are in a safe place now, that your dad pull his head out of his ass and stop thinking w/ his small brain and start putting you 1st, and that you never ever Ever forget the beauty and stregthn that lies inside you. you
loving and missing you,
Jan 1 2008, 11:29 PM
((freckle)) I think about your fake daughter too sometimes. And how much you must miss your mr.
Jan 2 2008, 09:26 AM
dear zoya -
stop it. stop it, now.
Jan 2 2008, 02:43 PM
A DUI?! You got your DL suspended because of a DU-motherfucking-I?! How many times did I tell you not to drink & drive, damnit! It was funny to find, though. The redneck tried to snatch it away from me so I didn't know about it.
I found your vibrator. Not too terribly surprised you prefered length to girth.
Jan 2 2008, 02:55 PM
You need to get your self together woman. You've been hosting this self pity party for too damn long. This is not you! You've been down before, so pick your azz back up like you always do and snap out of it. Yes, you're in a rut right now... but its now 2008. Let go of the past, leave the bitterness behind, stop loathing yourself and the people around you and make the best of what you've been given. Remember that Storms are only temporary. Love your family and friends and most importantly GOD. You'll be fine. This too shall pass and you'll be back in the saddle in no time. First you have to get motivated and set some goals for yourself. You can't go forward if you dont have a plan. You need to pray about this thing. Right now!
Tough love is what its all about. So get over yourself. And go do your hair, you look a mess LOL
I love you!
Jan 7 2008, 05:41 AM
I habitually check my email to see if you've sent me anything. It's a vigil I keep in futility, but I keep it. The computer monitor you sent stayed on the floor out of sight until yesterday. I knew the minute that I put it up that I would feel your absence. Hot, hollow, metallic, and biting. Our last Christmas together, and you weren't there. Perhaps it was better that way.
I start the old routine again today. But you won't be making my lunches anymore. We won't be planning our garden, the one that I spent so many hours building with you. We won't be laughing over some stupid religious thing over a plate of stirfried greenbeans. No more hot sex on the stairwell.
On the flip-side, I'll never have to worry about your next imminent Houdini act. The moment that your eyes fix on some point a million miles away ignoring what I'm saying to you. If you've heard from your ex-wife again. That sick and tightening feeling I got in the pit of my stomach ever time I walked into your house after you disappeared in July.
I'm in the part of healing where I don't cry anymore, except when faced with a direct reminder. I'm dating and enjoying meeting new people. I even bought some new sheets to rid myself for awhile of the feel of you warm beside my body. It's all a ploy to trick my inner animal into disengaging from it's mate.
One of the linger affects is that I no longer trust the men I meet. You secured that endeavor every time you walked away from me and made me to think it was my fault. That's okay for now. I don't want to get close to anyone. I have enough self-respect to know it will take a long time.
Unfortunately, what I miss is a fucking shadow you cast on the wall.
Don't crush anyone this year, Paul. And don't talk shit about me. I don't deserve one mean fucking thing from your lips.
Jan 8 2008, 12:45 AM
ive been trying to come up with a good response to all of your questions and i confess that i really dont know what to say. a visit from you is a very different
visit than a visit from you and people that i dont know, for a whole host of
reasons. i guess that the biggest one is that i feel let down, i was looking forward to spending time with just you, and sharing one of the most amazing things i have ever seen/done/experienced with you; and having other people along that you know changes that. ive been trying to look at it and the best that i can come up with is that i feel hurt. there are other issues, too, of course, but that seems to be the *biggie*. it took me completely by surprise, it never occurred to me that you would come with others.
if they come i will most likely stay here in maputo while you guys all travel. i have a lot of work to do in the spring, and this year will be particularly crazy, given that it is the last year of this cooperative agreement. i generally save my vacation days to spend with family in the USA and when they come here; if you are with friends then i wont have to do that. there are a number of different ways that you can go on safari; you dont have to stay at a private lodge the way that mr. hotbuns and elle and i did. you can stay at one of the public safari camps in Kruger Park; they are much less expensive and you can self cater. i can provide you a link so that you can peruse it at your leisure. every camp/lodge has its own cancellation policy; usually you pay some percentage up front when you make the reservation and then you forfeit some or all of the cost depending on how close to the reservation you cancel. there is a thing called travel insurance that you might want to look into; br and i did that when we went on safari together given how ill he was. if you like, i can also send you the email address of my travel agent here and you can contact her directly.
soooooooooooooo, let me do some thinking about this. obviously, we should take some time to talk about it, and not just email. for right now, though, this is the best that i can do. i hope that you understand and dont feel that i am trying to play any sort of games. it seems that our relationship as "friends" has a habit of taking one step forward and three steps back. i always feel as though i am walking on eggshells around you about us, afraid of saying something that will be misunderstood. im doing my best here to be honest and promise that im not trying to either piss you off or make you feel guilty. i hope that you understand.
your not so "baby" sister
Jan 9 2008, 12:38 AM
I am proud of you. Honestly, sometimes I feel something kin to what a mother must feel when her child does something great, or at least I think that's what it feels like (having no kids of my own, I'm just guessing here). I believe you will go far in your life, no matter what you might think. I care about you very much and wish you nothing but the best.
However, our friendship is very one-sided. It's always about you and how sad/depressed/emo you are, how physically ill you've been (and honestly, until you actually, you know, go to a doctor with your problems, you don't know for sure if they are all in your head, or if you've actually got a physical condition), how your job is so hard, how you're so miserable, how you don't have any friends, how you hate your life and how you hate yourself. I've tried to help you, I've been doing it for several months now and it doesn't really seem to be helping. And every time we talk you always try and steer the conversation to where I'm playing phsychiatrist and you're the patient. And then you try and guilt-trip me into doing it anyway by apologizing. You never even so much as ask me how my day went, and when you feel you're done you just brush me off without so much as a "goodbye".
I think you enjoy feeling sorry for yourself.
I think you enjoy playing the victim.
I think you enjoy having other people feel sorry for you.
I think you enjoy being the center of attention.
I think you enjoy manipulating people's feelings.
I think you are very selfish.
I think it's all bullshit and I'm tired of it. You know what? People have a hard time sometimes. People get depressed. People's jobs suck and people get lonely. And most people put on their Big Girl Panties and they deal with life. I guess this is how you deal with life.
I'm beginning to see WHY you don't have many friends.
Jan 12 2008, 02:01 PM
Why did you have to call me today when I'm feeling vulnerable?
Jan 12 2008, 05:46 PM
This may be the last letter I write to you during your life. Or maybe not. I don't know.
I am so sad to see you in your current state.
I remember when I was a small child. You'd be laying out in the sun, tanning. I'd be next to you and I'd tickle your leg and make you swat like a fly was on your leg. I am sure that you knew it was actually me tickling you, but I took joy in thinking I was fooling Mom.
You made so many sacrifices for me. I came into your life right when I'm sure you were looking forward to not having any more kids. I know this. You were 38 years old when you were pregnant with me.
I was by your side when you'd go to the nursing home to visit YOUR mom, my gramma, when she had dementia.
And now you have dementia. Alzheimer's.
I remember being scared of Gramma because she was one of those scary old women who thinks everybody is "mommy" and just pathetic and sad and scary and you want to run away from them.
Now, you're the scary old lady. And it makes me sad.
I'm not your "mommy".
But if it makes you feel better to think that I am, that's fine with me. I can be your mommy or your sister, or whatever you need at the moment.
I just want you to find peace.
We had our battles. I still remember that day back in 1985 when we went at it with the garbage can lids.
I remember you pushing me off the stairway landing.
I remember pushing you off that same stairway landing.
I am so sorry I was such an a$$hole when I was a kid.
Anyway, ((((mom)))) I will always cherish you. Always. And I've sent a letter to Dad asking that he speak with your spirit guides about getting you home Soon. So, I wish you Farewell. And, keep a spot warm for me.
Jan 13 2008, 10:29 AM
wait, I'm not done yet, (((((((((((((((((((((((((((treehugger again))))))))))))) bc I think ya need it.
back the FUCK off already!
he just GodDamned Got Fuckin' home!
he called to let you know, which is nicer than *I* wanted him to be 20 minutes after walking in the door,
whiney nagging 'when are you coming HOOOOOOOOOOME??????' is just one Ficking bridge too damn fucking Far!
newsflash: he IS HOME!
w/ his wife & kid.
I am SO going to say this to you!
I'll have to gentlify it bc you're "so sweet" and your ears might well fall off if I use the true words, but damnit you need to hear this and it's 15 year way over due!
a seriously PISSED OFF & dangerously angry
daughter in law
of Course I knew he was coming home last night,
I have known, and Blantantly LIED To You About It, sinse he very 1st left.
all things considered in our past, doesn't seem that big a deal in case you were upset, which it seems you might have been last night.
pretty convincing ain't I?
the energy you put out is the energy that comes back to you many times over;
yankee whore your son married ( & is madly in love w/ & devoted to still)
Jan 13 2008, 04:12 PM
I don't know how to let it go. I'm cleaning my apartment, getting rid of things and you're everywhere. I found the bottle of massage oil that you mixed just for our NYE last year. The scent of it nailed me in the memory, and now I'm reeling. I keep hoping that I'll look out my window and see you standing by your car looking back.
You came over and said, "I'm here to rip the bandaid off". This time, even though I was mentally prepared for you to say it, I was nowhere near able to accept it. So I moved on.
That's something I've never done before, because the only thing I saw in my future before this was you. So, I hope that you understand (since you've been in here reading) that the only reason I am moving forward was because this time I believed you when you said you were done with us being together. I don't desire this; I had a date cancel today, and I felt...relieved. The thought of actually being with someone else petrifies me, because my stupid fucking brain is still so attached to you. That doctor kissed me and all I could taste and see was you. I told the doctor, somewhat politely to fuck off. I don't want something else, so I'm going to carry my memories around with me for a little longer, just until the lens I see you in becomes so tiny that I can no longer make out the details.
These Sundays are the worst, Paul. I want coffee on your couch, I want to hear you breathing in bed tonight, I want to run errands with you and laugh. Hell, even hearing you turn pages in a techie manual was soothing. I was in the school library and saw "Water for Elephants" on the shelf, and took it home...but I can't read it.
I feel so lost today.
Jan 13 2008, 06:30 PM
M & K,
Leave her alone. I don't mean, abandon her, but stop testing her. Stop asking her "do you remember THIS, or do you remember THAT."
I know you mean well.
But when I was there for christmas, I knew she recognized me. She may not have known I was her daughter, but her face lit up and she knew I was somebody Important. I could see that she loved Me. She didn't know why, but she knew she loved me. I could TOTALLY see it in her eyes.
You don't need to quiz her and ask her if she knows my name.
It doesn't matter if she knows my name. She has dementia. She's not a child that can learn these things. She is losing these abilities. And she knows it.
It just stresses her out to be quizzed on things that she Knows are important, that she feels Bad about forgetting, but she has no control over that fact.
She doesn't need to feel like she felt in fourth grade when she forgot to study for her final exam and she had to go take the test anyway.
Just let her be in peace. Let her love who she wants to. Let her call me Mommy, or Sister. It's okay. It's her word for "female important to me person".
She doesn't have long for this world. Please let her be relaxed and not stressed about not remembering.
Jan 14 2008, 03:19 PM
dear you -
so you didn't even call today. maybe it's just the universe slapping me in the face with the irrefutable facts. did I push you away by pushing too hard? did I even push to hard? Is it just you and not me? is it both? hell, I don't know. at this point, it just is. I don't know where it went tits up, but I don't even know that that matters. it just is.
All I can think at this point is that maybe you just came into my life to let me find myself again. Who I really am. And to have a hand in getting me where I am today. I hate the thought that that's it. but maybe it's true. maybe it's as simple as that.
Clearly it's not important for you to see me before you go - I get it now.
I realized today that this is how it is and I just need to get on with it - I mean, I've been doing it anyway, but I'm going to full on get into stuff besides work. classes, the gym, etc. back to what I said I was gonna do in the first place and just be with me for awhile.
anyway, stay safe and I hope that everything works out for you, and please know that though I didn't necessarily like hearing what you have to say, I do respect it and just who you are.
dear universe -
Jan 14 2008, 07:17 PM
Due to confidentiality I cannot post what I just wrote. But if anyone is reading this, please send healing vibes to me. I'll redirect them where they are needed.
Goddess, you know what to do.
Jan 14 2008, 08:12 PM
You decided take her to you. Okay.
Just please hold her tight. She was so young.
Jan 15 2008, 08:02 AM
(((kitten))) now she remains an angel.
Jan 15 2008, 05:48 PM
((((minx)))) oh. i feel for you.
Please stop being so awesome. My heart is so locked up & watertight, and i don't want it to be. I want to let in the flood. But i'm really scared that you'll disappear (rightly so, on some levels, after all the things we've made clear). I want you around. As much as you want to be around. But my insurance policy doesn't allow for many damages.
I want, also, to tell you exactly why i'm freaked out, but i think you already know somehow all the gory details of my broken heart and know how to fix it a little bit too.
Jan 16 2008, 10:37 AM
please help my brother meet a woman who will be good for him. He's earned it, after the last two. Also, please help him value himself enough so that he doesn't keep haemorrhaging energy and time into ones who won't admit any of their behaviours are inconsiderate, leechy, or lazy, or who admit it but refuse (!) to do anything about it. I know he's lonely but please help him recognize faster when someone's just not worth it. He sets his boundaries but he needs help sticking to them.
Also please help him deal with his dying dog - with her decline and, whenever it happens, her death.
Thanks for the great times we had with them over the holidays.
Jan 17 2008, 04:27 PM
I really need to clear the air, but I am having such a hard time just coming up with the words. I am not very good at face to face confrontations, especially if I believe I could hurt someone else's feelings. But not talking to you is creating a lot of tension in me. I cannot relax in my own home!
I am not interested in having a relationship with you. I do not date women. I do not date women who used to be men. I am sensitive to your trans issues, but I am getting more and more creeped out by your persistent knocking on my door. I am running out of excuses not to make plans with you. I am frustrated, because I think you are paying far too much attention to my comings and goings in the house. You talk as though you're marking my every moment in the house, listening to my conversations through the wall or floor. Frankly, it's scaring me. You are starting to seem like a stalker.
I have a stressful job, and I am a single mother. When I am home, I value my alone time, quiet time, family time, cooking time. Our interactions at the doorway are so uncomfortable. I never ask you in. How is it that you haven't got the point yet? I am just not interested!
Out of politeness, I have accepted a couple of your invitations. Last week, when we cooked dinner together, I began to get the sense that you felt it was a date. You tried to touch me. You told me I was beautiful. You told me you were attracted to me. You told me you'd had success with both straight young women, and lesbians. I told you I am straight, and not dating. I try to be blunt, but now I feel you are asking me to say something mean. I don't want to do that. I want you to get the point. You are grossing me out. Your coy, manipulative, overly-possessive manner is upsetting me. I don't like hanging out with women like this! And frankly, yes, it is a bit much for me to handle that you used to be a man, that you've had four wives, and knocked up a bunch of women, who then aborted. I don't want to know these things. It's not enticing to me; it seems ugly. I am starting to see some really unattractive, masculine behavior from you that I wouldn't accept from a man! But secretly, I feel sorry for you because I know what you've been through must be hard, and I am trying to be kind. It's a mess.
I am trying, very hard, to make conscientious changes. I am making a huge forward movement towards a life I can feel good about. Yes, someday I want a supportive, fascinating partner. But there is no way at all you're going to be it. What is it going to take? I wish I could tell you these things face to face, but it feels so difficult right now. And I have had terrible experiences rejecting neighbors, co-workers, and roommates before. Are you going to go psycho on me?!!
Jan 19 2008, 09:10 PM
I can't stand working with you. Everybody around the office seems to list sightly different annoying habits that they wish you'd stop, but these are my big ones.
1. You steal work. I refuse to ask you for advice, even if you're the person in the company most likely to have the historical information. Remember the Ba thing with the lab? I wasn't asking you to fix the problem for me. I was asking if you knew why we got T instead of TR, so that I wouldn't ask the lab a question that our company had already asked. When you picked up the phone and called them to ask about Ba, I could have kicked you in the teeth. You do this over and over, like we're idiots, and you're the only one capable of doing all of our jobs.
2. You complain about things that you actually enjoy. "Oh, geez," you say, "I have to go to the meeting for Company X and the meeting for Company Y, while I'm on the trip researching for Company Z. " But you LOVE the fact that you get to put your fingers in every job. If you weren't invited to one of those meetings, you would complain even though they're not your clients! It would annoy me so much less if you would just admit that you love feeling important, and you like that you are going to every meeting.
3. You never shut up. Have you noticed that everybody in your hallway keeps their door closed, even though it means that the temp shoots up to 85 degrees? It's not them; it's you.
Unfortunately, they'll need a crowbar to get you out of this company. If I leave, I am going to tell management that it's purely because of you.
Jan 20 2008, 10:28 AM
Why do I care anymore. I fear that this friendship was doomed from the start. I do enjoy going out with you, but I hate feeling like I have to babysit you. When I drive you home, I don't want to worry if you are going to make a pass at me. We are not dating, we will never date. I will not have you as a friend with benefits. but now, I know you're home and you can't even return a text. I am just sick and tired of you.
Jan 21 2008, 01:16 PM
kitten: ((((healing vibes)))) ... take care sisters.
Jan 21 2008, 07:00 PM
I still think of you sometimes. I knew better than to open up to you, but still, I did. Let my guard down. I was angry at you because you made me care. You dont really disgust me. I actually wish we could still be cool. But alas, there go my annoying feelings, one of the things about me that pushed you away in the first place. I wonder if age has brought maturity and if you still think of me too. I'd like to see you and find out how you are..
Jan 23 2008, 04:06 PM
dear soon to be ex-roomie,
please, go away. get out of the house for an hour or two instead of sitting around on your ass listening to world music on your laptop. it is so beyond creepy having you here all the time. i can't pack, i can't hang out on the porch with the newspaper, i can't even eat. why? because i am an antisocial person by nature, and i've gotten spoiled by having the house all to myself in the daytime because you were at work. it was the perfect arrangement: you're in bed when i get home, and you're gone when i get up. no having to deal with you and your annoying habits (and there are many), except those barely bearable short "oh, hi, i was just on my out" "okay, later" run-ins on weekends. after all that blissful peace that was kind of like living alone, having you underfoot and here all the time is annoyance-making. do you even realize how long you take in the bathroom in the mornings? i mean i've experienced this on weekends, but it's even worse somehow on a weekday. you take your shower, fine. i hear it shut off and think, "good, she's done, i can finally pee." then you proceed to spend about an hour and a half to two hours doing your hair, make-up and getting dressed, and who the fuck knows what else in there. but dude, you can hear me getting out of bed, you can hear me nervously puttering around the room wondering when i should make my move, you should know what most people have to do the first thing they get up in the morning (whatever time their morning may be). so why the fuck do you get to be the one looking so annoyed when i timidly knock on the door and request the facilities after having held it in for fucking ever already? here's an idea: there are a mirror and outlets in your bedroom, and a whole closet full of clothes. why don't you get dressed and do all your hair-drying, leg-shaving, lotion-applying, eyebrow-plucking, and other 2.5 hours of daily maintenance in there? finish your shower, do a quick just-enough-not-to-drip-on-the-floor dry down, grab your robe, and make a dash for your room. that's what any sane, normal, not completely self-centered person does when they live with more people than toilets.
and your stupid, old, blind, arthritic weiner dog that you should just let go and put out of her misery already. okay, well i take back the stupid; the stupid one is actually you, not the dog. yeah you love her and you've had her forever, but it's time to give it up. she barely gets to of bed to wobble shakily to mealtimes and is barely responsive at any other time, you've got her enclosed in that crappy little space that if she were two inches longer she couldn't turn around in, she's had a collapsed lung and many other ailments over the summer that any other owner would take as a sign saying "come on girl, bus to doggie heaven is leaving and here's your ticket", and she's on more medications that my great-aunt myrna. what kind of life is that for a dog to have?
you're weird. there, i said it. there's something about you that's just strange and creepy and weirds me out. i don't know what it is, but i'm glad to be getting away from it.
Jan 23 2008, 04:25 PM
I'm glad that you found me on my page, because I've been looking for you for God knows how long. In hopes that maybe we could be friends again. I do miss our friendship very much. YAnd I'm hoping that maybe we can start over. I'm glad you're back. Here's to new beginnings! I still love you, just in a different way.
Jan 23 2008, 08:01 PM
you know when I asked if your remark was sarcastic, and you replied, "Why don't you tell me what you want me to say, so Il'l say it and just not have any opinion of my own as always?"? That was an asshole thing thing to say. I knew you meant it to be sarcastic because that's what you do when you're mad, you take the most extreme characterization of my words and argue against the extreme, not against what I actually said. So instead of responding , like an adult, "Yes it was. You don't have to put time and energy into seriously explaining what you meant," you tried to imply that I'm the crazymaking one. You'll probably apologize for it tomorrow, the way you usually do when you realize you were a fucking asshole to me projecting your own insecurities onto my words, but in the meantime, I'd like to point out that when you accuse me of dismissing your opinion, andannouncing to you point blank "what the correct opinion is", I get that buzzy numb feeling in my body like when it goes into shock, and it's the feeling that lets me know I'm stressed out enough to trigger major cold sores the next day. You've probably forgotten that that's what your anger does to me. Maybe I should remind you. True, you didn't yell this time & haven't for a while. You keep progressing, that's great. I still feel like crying because we've done this so many times and you keep accusing me of the same thing, and normally it's fine because I know you'll come to your senses and apologize efter sleeping on it, but right now I'm fucking tired from being the one to do all the work for prepping this place to sell, and being the one to coordinate the stuff that has to be done for moving, and stressing out over the house back home, and over the ironic fact that now that I actually want to work on my thesis and have found the thing that'll pull it all together, I haven't got time for it. (I'm feeling, frankly, like I did preparing for our wedding, which YOU wanted to make a big deal out of with pew bows and a thousand stupid details like that, and then you fucked off and focused on that one thing, and left all the rest to me until 3 days before the wedding when you asked solicitiously if there was anything you could do to help. Yes, I know you've apologized for that many times. I can't help wondering if you'll be all apologetic again, after 90% of the work has been done.)
I thought we were hashing out the pros and cons. Don't you realize that if you take offense when I say "But xxxxx," you're the one who's demanding that *I* agree with *you*?? So now I'm pigging out on mascarpone cheese and goofing off online instead of researching home repair people or adding up numbers or reading/writing academic stuff, or decluttering (including your ancient crap from 15 years ago and the plastic packaging you just drop on the floor after opening a package), or any of the other zillion things. The problem is not so much that you're flaky because of brain damage. It's that just when you've been rational for long enough for me to let my guard down, you suddenly take offense if I don't agree with every fucking thing you say. And then if I say, "But I don't dismiss your opinion point blank, I thought we were figuring out the best way to do this," you say I've proved your point again because I've disagreed with you again.
Jan 23 2008, 09:47 PM
ok, now you're definitely projecting off the deep end.
You: "Im' tired of you correcting me. You said "NO!" yesterday when I said xxxxx. You're always telling me "No!" and "THAT'S incorrect!""
Me: [looking at you while remembering countless times that you stab your finger at me or whoever, and announce with a ring of righteousness, "THAT'S incorrect!"]
You: "Don't look at me that way! I'm tired of you vilifying me with your looks!"
Me: "Erm...I'm vilifying *you*? I was just remembering all the times you say "No!" and "THAT'S incorrect!" "THAT'S incorrect!" is your phrase, not mine."
You: "I was paraphrasing."
Me: ""That's incorrect!" is a paraphrase of "No!"???"
Me: "....Oooooookay then."
Thank you for admitting (without having to sleep on it first) that some of what you've been saying may very well be caused by irrationality, caused by your insecurity. I think I'll just wait here until you go to sleep. I want to destress in porn stories and masturbation before I go to bed.
Jan 24 2008, 05:44 AM
dear you -
I told you how I felt and why I did what I did, and for that I'm not sorry. it was the right thing to do. But I am sorry that I didn't take the time to listen to what you were trying to communicate with me the last time we spoke. You cared enough to bring it up and I got all defensive and made the conversation me me me. While what I was saying was completely legitimate, communication is a two-way street. Not just me TELLING you and expecting you to listen and understand without me truly listening to you and trying to understand you. I have this feeling that in the end, you probably just found me exhausting - and who wants to take the time to try and work out something with someone who doesn't want to listen to you and has to be right? because I realize that's what I was, with the way I conducted myself in that conversation.
This has been an issue with me, not just with you, but in general... truly listening to another person and not just spewing my shit. Caring about and trying to understand their point of view, involving them in the conversation, etc. I know I do this and it's something I've really been trying to notice and adjust. It just really sucks that I have noticed it this way. and now you're gone and I don't get to communicate that with you
Maybe you are just this big transitional person in my life - someone with who I really got to see how I play out some of my patterns and bullshit I've been trying to break. Someone with who I took the leap to communicate my upset with in certain situations and try to set boundaries. Maybe you were just here to be practice - a guinea pig. Someone to teach me this stuff. If so, that really sucks. I still wonder why you walked into my world in the crazy amazing way you did. I hope that that was not just it. It doesn't feel like it, but who knows - I'm all raw and crappy right now.
all I can do now is just turn you over to the universe and get on with it. there's nothing else I can do but let it go and give it space and time. I know it's trite and useless to say now, but I'm going to say it anyway - I wish I could have been through my shit enough not to bring it into this and let it affect things on my end in the manner they did. You were not 100% innocent in all this, you were not respectful with me in certain ways, and I know I was justified in communicating how I felt - things may have well turned out the same, but at least I'd feel a lot better about it if I'd not put so much hurt, fear and baggage behind it.
Jan 24 2008, 04:25 PM
Back the fuck off! SERIOUSLY! You DON'T know me. You are not "good for me". There is no potential to our, ahem, "relationship". You are insecure, passive aggressive, have mommy issues, & an incredibly low relationship IQ. And worst of all, you're fucking scary with your obsessiveness. SCARY. You make my normally pacifist heart glad that I now have enough guns & ammo to kill half of this town. Persist in your attentions and I. WILL. CRUSH. YOU. CRUSH YOU. You have no idea whom you are fucking with, son.
Jan 25 2008, 10:24 AM
I love you in ways that I never knew I could love someone. I have fallen in love with your son and I treat him as if he is my own when I am with him. I miss you two all the time when I'm home. The other day when he got sick at school it killed me that I wasn't there to pick him up and take care of him; I knew you were working 2 hours away.
I am having all these feelings that I am not use to; please just be patient with me.
I cannot wait until we are all together like a family.
Jan 25 2008, 11:08 AM
please. take it away.