Feb 26 2008, 02:21 PM
That sounds fucking hot. I'm game.
Feb 26 2008, 02:56 PM
I treat you well, please do me the same. And bleed already, I'm getting worried.
please start sleeping normally again, I hate sleeping alone, it feels empty. I know, I know, I'm selfish.
please calm the fuck down and stop eating the strings on the blinds, it's kinda gross.
Feb 26 2008, 07:55 PM
Sent this one...or rather, shoved it under a door....
I want to start this by saying that I love you like a brother and I care very much about you, and that goes no matter what.
But Z, I was very hurt by what happened this morning. After retrieving my jacket, when I knocked on your door the second time, I wanted to come in and see if my money had fallen in or under the furniture. Z, I could SEE you at the peephole. You may not know this, but when you look through the peephole from the inside, the light coming through the peephole changes dramatically.
Yes, I was angry this morning - I was angry that you wouldn't even let me in to look for it, when I could SEE you looking at me through the peephole. And I spent all day at work feeling really hurt by your behaviour. I couldn't believe my friend would do that to me.
But you've made a very large leap in assuming I was accusing you of something at that point, and a very large leap in assuming anyone else would think that from my words. If you only heard my words, there is no way you could have made that leap, if you were hearing them with a clear conscience.
Obviously from your note, you are feeling very defensive right now, about what happened this morning. I understand that - I have been where you are, hiding from things I don't want to face, making mistakes and getting myself in deeper trouble. Z, I don't hate you for anything, no matter what you might think, and I'm not even angry anymore. I DO care about you, very much. I worry about you very much, almost constantly, and I want the best for you. I keep wishing I knew how to ease your burdens.
I don't even know where to go with this letter you left on my door when I was at work today. It's almost as though you are trying to push me away, because perhaps you are afraid I might push you away. Z, you must know that our friendship means more to me than $9 and change that went missing from my jacket pocket.
But Z, I won't accept what you wrote in your letter. I love you but I don't always love the things you do. I especially don't like seeing a situation manipulated so that one person has to come out the winner at the expense of the other person. You do NOT have to defend yourself to me, and your letter screams defensiveness. I would rather hear you speak the honest truth to me, as you must know by now you can trust me. I'm NOT going to hate you. I'm not going to drop our friendship, which has been one of the most important things in my life. I just want you to stop hiding, step up, and be real with me about the situation you've found yourself in. I know you are scared - you can scoff all you want and think I don't know anything, but hon, I've been there, and I could tell you all about it, if you'd only trust me. I don't judge you.
I am reaching out to you Z. I don't care if you took the money - in fact, I didn't even start to wonder about it until I saw you hiding behind the peephole, and I STILL couldn't have said I believed it until I got your overly defensive letter. I just want to hear the words from your lips. It won't change how I feel about you - if anything, it will make me care more, because then I'll know you trust me, just as I have always trusted you.
All you have to do is come and talk to me, Z. You only have to remember who you know me to be, and trust me, and we'll make it right.
Your sister in spirit,
Feb 27 2008, 05:33 PM
I'm sorry if I made you feel I backstabbed you in my blog,
but read it again please, because I really didn't. So maybe
I backstabbed your "scene", well sorry, but "scenes" don't have
feelings. I really didn't see the need for you to write a spiteful letter
to lecture me, and how nice of you to call me judgmental when
I was the one who walked home crying from that party. I'm
sure the scene's feelings were very hurt by it!?
Also, how very mature of you to not answer my lengthy,
non-spiteful letter, which you didn't deserve in the first place.
You really dumped me on the dance floor, and still I didn't
write shit about YOU, I just said I was tired and frustrated. Do I have
your permission to write that? It wasn't YOUR party, although I'm
beginning to understand to what extent you identify with the whole thing.
That is, however, not my problem.
Answer me FFS, or do you only communicate via flame mail nowadays?
This is too weird and teeny for me, I really couldn't be bothered with this.
Feb 29 2008, 03:14 AM
I love you, thank you for being who you are and who you are to me, and to us. We love you.
Thanks for saying I was almost Jesus like, but it isn't hard to care about what you're feeling. I love you.
You're the best.
Feb 29 2008, 11:28 AM
Dear Sleep Fairy,
what the hell?? can I not sleep through the night for once?? I want a good night sleep!!!
Mar 2 2008, 03:38 PM
I love you. You know that. And I love your family. If for no other reason than the fact that they made you who you are today, I love them. I wish you would get that through your big thick skull. I love them like I love my family in the sense that sometimes I am going to need to vent about them. Sometimes I am going to need to say something not nice about them (I've never subscribed to the 'if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all' philosophy and you know that). When I do say something not nice, I need you to stop being so damn defensive about it. I can't handle it.
And yes, I am fucking pissed about how little money your parents are contributing to the wedding. My dad was forced into retirement this year because of his disability. My mother is working her ass off to make things work for them financially. Your parents have way more money than mine. Yet, we have yet to see any financial help from them for this wedding. My parents have put so much money into this already. More than they should. And they will continue to. Your parents claim they are going to help, but I have yet to see that. So I'm annoyed that they didn't offer anything today. And I'm beyond annoyed that they brought up us buying a house AGAIN! We can't afford a house right now, regardless of how great the housing market is for buyers. I'm in fucking grad school, you have yet to see the raise you were promised by your dad and uncle, and we're planning this fucking wedding! Never mind the fact that we just moved this fall and signed a lease!!!!!
Baby, I'd be doing this exact same bitching if my parents did these things today. If that doesn't prove that I love your family like they were mine, I don't know what does.
Mar 2 2008, 09:51 PM
i was doing just fine until you came along. now, i don't know what i want anymore. you're making my head hurt!
Mar 3 2008, 07:52 PM
dear tasty books,
i want to read you all right now, but you must understand that i am in the throws of studying. or rather, busting and then studying. i will come to you soon.
dear person from high school that i was friends with but now i'm not but somehow you're on my buddy list still:
your away message is hideous. stop being an uppity self-righteous bible thumper. just because your sublimated your homosexuality into jesus doesn't mean you can hate on all things not-right-wing.
fast and painless, please.
dear next week,
oh man. please godsinthesky, let me not flip out and concentrate.
sorry i'm being so greedy. i'll make it up to you.
Mar 3 2008, 09:38 PM
Please please PLEASE give me the form for a vehicle as a condition of employment. The extra funds, on top of what I've already recieved on the income tax return, would be really nice.
Thank you much!
That was some piss poor grammar you had in that letter before you edited it. What the hell was that?? My speaky Engrish good? I can haz dictionareey?
Mar 5 2008, 07:54 AM
Dear work requests.
WTF if with this week and next?? Unacceptable.
Mar 5 2008, 08:15 AM
I don't know.
Mar 5 2008, 11:26 AM
Please tell me you are being your usual ornery self and will come at an inappropriate time, like during my midterm tonight, the archeology group meeting tomorrow, or on the volunteer dig on Sunday. It's getting a little late, and I'd much rather have any of those happen than the other option.
Mar 5 2008, 07:42 PM
that was not fair. and not cool. fuck you.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK you.
dear st. joseph of cupertino,
sorry i said fuck above. but that's not why i want to talk to you. i'm looking for a little intercession on my behalf. maybe?
mull it over, run it by god? you know where i'm at.
Mar 5 2008, 10:57 PM
( psssssst cocl, are you a nor cal girl? cupertino? just south of moi.....)
Mar 6 2008, 04:15 PM
For fuck's sake, kiss me already.
Grow the fuck up. Seriously.
Your sister in spirit,
Mar 7 2008, 09:52 AM
Dear AZ Guy,
I don't know how to tell you this. I want to say it humorously, want to be blunt, and there is a part of me that doesn't want to tell you, because in some way, that won't make it real, and I think I know what you're going to say anyway. And I think I know what I'm going to do, even though I'm not sure if this will ever happen again. I can just get this over with, not tell anyone, and nobody will be none the wiser. However, that seems to be unethical and I know we've had our differences, but you deserve to know. You may not want to know, but it took me all week to get up the courage to take that test, and eating breakfast while waiting for a stick to change color isn't fun either.
Here's the thing: I've applied to several archeology firms. One responded, and it's out of state. I'm nowhere near ready for grad school, and every time I try to visualize having a baby in nine months, it's your family that's okay with it. They're the ones being the grandparents, and while my parents would be extremely angry and disappointed, they'd eventually come around in a couple of years. And you would make a wonderful dad. Meanwhile, I...would feel like I gave up way too much for this. I'd love the kid, but I'd be sitting at some crappy job like I'm at now, wishing my coworkers would just shut up already, plugged into my ipod, hating my life, and stressing out if I'm doing the right things for raising a kid. And I'm not sure if I want to stay with you for the next 20 years. See, you worry about being married as a commitment, but I view child-rearing as something much bigger than that. To do it right, you need to be around for at least 18 years, and both of us don't want to be single parents. Even after the child's an adult, we'd still have a bond between us, we'd still have to cross paths, whether we wanted to or not. Divorce is lot more cut-and-dried, IMO. We both aren't sure if we want to be with the other person for the rest of our lives, and I know having a baby won't fix that.
I'm a little scared, and I hope that you won't act like a complete asshole when I call you tonight.
Mar 7 2008, 10:05 AM
Dear PR Boy,
Can we just get together already? Not like that, we're friends, I'd like to hang out. Besides, with all the crap that's going on right now, as well as what's gone on lately, = I really have no patience for anything else.
Mar 7 2008, 10:11 AM
Mar 7 2008, 10:50 AM
(((lilac))) I hope things work out the best for you.
Mar 7 2008, 11:57 AM
Mar 7 2008, 04:51 PM
I am so tired of not being able to trust anyone... Even people who I have known for over half of my life. What is wrong with people? Why is it so hard to do what you say and mean what you say? Why does everyone have to have a secret agenda or hidden motive?
Do I have a sign on my head that says you can get over on me? Do I look THAT gullible?
Why do I think that people mean well and mean right?
Where are the people with good intentions? People who are just happy to be alive and healthy?
Do I deserve this? Do I do this to myself?
Why am I so trusting? Is this something stemming from my past/ childhood that makes me think that all people are good? Do I live in la la land in my mind?
Should I act as low down as everyone else?
No one is perfect but PHUCK.
I am beyond exhausted due to the fact that I have to think so much and investigate anything that anyone tells me. it makes me ill and I hate it. It is time consuming.
What ever happened to believing someone until they give you a reason not to? Now days you can't believe even the first thing they tell you.
Is it just me or does anyone else feel this way?
This is in regards to the way they feel, money, intentions, plans, even OPINIONS. People lie and deceive about everything..... WHY???
Are there any genuine, sincere, well wishers anywhere?
Mar 7 2008, 05:13 PM
Dear Mrs F.
I do not want your husband. I have one of my own. Do not get mad and project your insecurities at me because your husband is a good friend and chose to divulge the fact that you aren't giving him any and that he feels like a born again virgin. Not my problem. And if you have a problem with that - tough titty. We do not have a history together, and furthermore I'm not attracted to him. Even if i was an adulterous woman, your husband is tad bit far away to make a booty call. LOL Get the hell over yourself please. Its not THAT serious.
Mar 7 2008, 09:24 PM
Dear new oven mit,
A couple of weeks ago, I chose to purchase you because my old oven mit had developed a sizeable hole & was no longer in good working order. After a painful incident involving a hot pan and the hole in that mit, I went shopping. And I bought you, New Oven Mit, in the belief that you would protect me. But tonight you let me down. Tonight I learned in a painful manner that the stitching has unraveled where the thumb portion meets the rest of the hand on the mit. When I grabbed that baking sheet to pull it out of the 400F oven, the skin at the base of my thumb was burned. It's now sore and blistered. All because you, New Oven Mit, didn't live up to your job description.
Now, I know you've only been working as an oven mit for 2 weeks in my house. I understand there's a learning curve with any new job, but there are basic functions I assumed you'd be able to handle at this point. I'm sorry to say it, but I've very disappointed in you, New Oven Mit. Very disappointed indeed.
Today I read a nightmarish article on Jezebel.com.
It frightened me because this young woman reminded me of myself andall of the stupid mistakes I made with stupid boys I met in the past. But the article wasn't all bad because it reminded me of how much I've grown & how much more respect I have for myself now. It also reminded me of how very very lucky I am that I don't have to deal with douchebags like that anymore! So thanks for marrying me, babe, & saving me from the idiot boys of the world.
Mar 8 2008, 07:13 AM
Mar 8 2008, 01:41 PM
Thank you for the support. It means a lot since I'm not sure who I can talk to IRL who is pro-choice and who isn't going to get upset if we decide to not go through with this. AZ Guy's family is very Catholic, very anti-abortion, and while they'd be supportive of me having a baby, I don't think they'd be too happy with the other choice I have. They wouldn't be happy with AZ Guy and I starting a family this soon (he's in grad school 400 miles away, I'm trying to start my own career, and neither one of us have any financial resources), but at least they would be there to help me out. My parents, while they wouldn't be thrilled with either prospect (I think the words I used last night to describe their reaction were "fucking pissed off and very disappointed"), at least would be open to the idea of ending a pregnancy. They firmly believe that having a child before you're ready is irresponsible and detrimental to the well-being of everyone involved. However, they would be willing to help me out if I have the baby as well; they love me and they want what's best for me, and I know they would feel the same way towards their grandchildren.
I did talk to AZ Guy about it last night; he was speechless and surprised. I don't think he knows what to do either, and he wants to wait until he's here for spring break to discuss our next move, which will be in a couple weeks. He wasn't too happy about me telling him over the phone, but when I told him it was either this or posting it on his Myspace page, he changed his mind. One thing we did agree on was we didn't want put a baby up for adoption, which narrows the options down a bit. I called Planned Parenthood and they said they wouldn't be able to do anything until I was further along, so I'm stuck here, waiting, researching both options and wondering what would be best. The weird thing is, last night was the first time in months we talked for a long time without eventually getting into a fight.
I wish I knew what is the right thing to do. One minute I'm thinking that maybe we can raise a child and she will turn out all right, maybe this won't be so bad, there are plenty of women who are able to have a baby and pursue their career; the next I'm thinking about how I want to go to Europe, do archeology fieldwork this summer and how annoying the screeching four year old was at the laundromat the other day. I'm not someone who gravitates towards kids, but I know I would make a decent parent (at least I wouldn't be feeding my toddler pop and Cheetos). I just wish when we'd gone to the sandwich shop instead of stopping by my place to have sex when he was visiting.
Mar 9 2008, 11:28 AM
((((Lilac)))) I'm sorry you're facing this. You seem to be looking at your options in a balanced and realist way; take your time to make your decision, talk it over more with your boy if it helps.
My (un-asked for) 2 cents is that 'maybe this won't be so bad' sounds different to me than really actively wanting to have a child now. I'm sure you would make a great parent but there's no reason you can't be a great parent later, when your career is further along and/or you've gotten some travel and life experiences under your belt.
Take care and post here or wherever you feel best, if it helps, or PM me if you like.
Mar 9 2008, 01:10 PM
Mar 10 2008, 05:47 AM
dear whatever -
dear zoya -
wtf were you thinking? you need to stop drinking. really. go out, have fun, but you really have to stop with the alcohol. It's just not funny anymore.
dear you -
nail in the coffin. I know. I feel like a fucking ass.
Mar 10 2008, 06:29 AM
2nd opinion vet:
please be cool and let me like you immediately and when I explain that it's not just a 2nd opinion but a new vet entirely I'm after (& realise what a committment & relationship that is to me) & Why be sweet and understanding or I am very likely to burst into tears there in your office today.
also, let your prices be affordable so I don't have to stress additionally please?
you come highly recommended, and that you have an All Woman Vet office is the icing on the cake, esp bc you are older and bucked the trend early so much the better. you might even be someone I'd want my frecklette to meet as a future role model.
so much riding on this one visit~
still very much Lucky's Mom, but now Bella & Blue's as well
you are still so much Mama's Heart.
I miss you every day my sweet truelove boy.
Mar 10 2008, 12:06 PM
Dear anyone who cares to listen (well, read),
I have a passion for iced coffee, he said it was disgusting... that should of been a sign.
He reads Stephen King; I hate Stephen King and I don't consider it literature at all.
He said that teacher's should never get free things from the school; I cannot believe he can't see how much we do for the kids...so what if they LEND us a laptop to take home so that we can type things and grade papers.
I have spent so much money out of my own pocket for the kids.
I told him that I cannot be around people who use drugs and things that questions my morals because I am a teacher and if I slip up in any aspect of my life then it would be in the paper and on the news... that's what they do to teachers.
He said that was stupid and I shouldn't worry what other people think.
He made a statement to me that he could never be a doctor or a lawyer and if that's what I wanted that I didn't want him... why didn't I run then?
I instead made plans to spend time with him at the last minute I could not make myself get on the plane on that cold Valentine night. Instead I called my sister to pick me up from the airport, crying all the way home. At the same time I was really relieved.
I spent the week getting over him; then he came back into my life telling me all the things that I wanted to hear. Then he left an odd message... "Baby, I love you and I always will. Never forget that Sweetheart, I love you." And that was the last time I heard from him. Now I am a crushed mess once again. Why? Why am I letting him have the best of me. Why am I sitting here during my conference period typing this? Why is it still in my mind?
Today, I stumbled in my classes. I was thinking about him that I lost my train of the thought. I finally had to snap out of it... after one of my students asked me if everything was okay.
I wanted to say, "no, I'm not okay, something is wrong. I am afraid that I am going to be alone forever. I am afraid that I will never find my other half. That I will never have kids of my own." Instead, I just said, "yes, sweetie, I'm fine"
Then I began to give the kids a lecture about their grades and how I expect so much more from them... I was not only talking to them, but also to myself.
I need to breath, drink a nice iced cafe con leche and read a book.
Mar 10 2008, 02:45 PM
it gets better, or I try to believe that it does.
and I know that even though this guy sounds like a total ass yank, he still broke your heart and that's what you're feeling and I don't mean to negate those feelings, but please remember that there is nothing wrong w/ having a strong sense of self and of goals and priorities and it sounds as if someone like that might ask you to compromise all of the above and you are better than that.
( & as a parent of a middle school girl, good teachers that give a damn about those things and live as such are Priceless bc you are so much more than 'just teachers' to these kids.)
wishing I could buy you a double shot of cafe' & give ya hugs,
new vet: you're pretty good and I think this will probably work out well.
thank you for not rushing my wee boy into surgery but still being honest about the costs of the alternate of draining frequently instead.
less stressed & feeling better,
old vet: thanks for being cool when I broke up w/ you on the phone today.
I'm still going to refer people to you, bc it's me, really, not you at all.
still Lucky's Ma
I still don't know where our newly forged fiendship is going, but I appreciate the direction, even if I don't understand it yet.
the cards & calls have been so out of character for you, but recieved happily all the same.
glad we're cool / whatever,
formerly known as I.
Mar 10 2008, 03:11 PM
In your core, you know that what you're doing is right. Cherish that inner voice. Nurture that. You will arise from this break-up like the proverbial phoenix, stronger and wiser than ever.
Last night was the first time you snuggled up by my side and stayed next to me all night long. Thank you for that. It was so soothing to go to sleep to the sound of you squeaky snore & to wake up to your purr.
Have I told you lately that I'm glad we're friends? Because I'm really glad we're friends. You still drive me a little crazy, but you're a great pal to have in my corner.
Mar 10 2008, 04:32 PM
all i can offer is (((sexysandee))).. i admire your self control and ability to keep it together
did i mention i love this board and the ladies & guys on it?
Mar 11 2008, 04:06 AM
Dear, oh dear effing Photobucket!
I did hate you a little, when you decided to delete this photo from my album:
it is so, so very offensive, because *gasp* a penis is on it, which is just so inappropriate.
Nevermind, that my album is set to private anyways...
I decided to hate you a little more, when you lectured me, not to search for "boobs" because that's like really explicit adult and so.
Nevermind that babies nurse, duh!
Yes, nevermind all of this, what really, really drove me up the wall, is discovering what kind of pics, actually pass as appropriate:
My search results for "Autism" producing a pic of a Kid and a laughing Jesus with the caption "even Jesus laughs at your autism"
My search results for "gay" "homo" or "queer" showing me hundreds
of nasty homophobic pis, the worst being a man who looks like a ballet dancer, on the run from a mob with baseballbats and the caption "Homos are fast!"
My search results for "rebel girl" showing me photos of skinny models in submissive poses, showing their asses.
Now I don't know what pic to put in my "Who I'd like to meet" section in my myspace profile...
So I was thinking "can the fascists please shut up?" and searched for, well "shut up"
and I found a photo of a woman with a really nasty black eye and a caption that read "The bitch just didn't know when to shut up!"
Damn you, Photophuckit!!!
Dear rebel girls, queers, and people on the autism spectrum,Please add me!myspace
We have even more ass to kick, than I expected in my most pessimistic moments.
(...and sorry for stealing the background from the "survey" thread...)
PS: Look what I found when I searched for "fight injustice"
Mar 11 2008, 05:58 AM
dear zoya -
after all these years, I think you've finally figured out you don't have to prove anything to anyone.
pretty much sucks that it took making a complete ass of yourself with a bunch of people you really wanted to know to do it.
time to stop drinking, lay low, focus on your stuff, and let it go. Because you really left yourself with no other option.
You given people way too much credit. They didn't know anything about you. Now they know everything - including the stuff that you intended to keep private.
You've given other people way too much power in your life. You deserve just as much as you give them.
kinda bites that it took this to figure all that out, but there's nothing to do to change it, so move along.
Mar 11 2008, 07:39 AM
Dear Fellow Busties,
Thank you for all the support and kind words. It means the world to me.
Mar 11 2008, 01:30 PM
I wrote a post but it got eaten. Basically, you sound like a fantastic, motivated and principled person with excellent taste in beverages and books. You deserve a partner who is your equal and won't be intimidated by your talent and skills. As for his message to you, words are one thing but actions are another. For some people it's easy to say things like that to get what they want. Stay strong and keep trusting your instincts, it sounds like they served you well, it must've taken guts to turn back that day.
Mar 11 2008, 05:51 PM
Really, I know you mean well, but quit "stepping in".
You've got to understand one thing. I may work at the UW...so do you. You work for the "tax payers". Kewl.What you don't seem to get is that I Don't. I am DEPARTMENTAL. My work is funded through research grants. My equipment, the equipment I am charged to repair, is Not. State. Property. It is the property of some research foundation.
I know you have only the best of intentions, don't get me wrong. I understand you trying to save the customer $50.00. And it's honorable.
But when it means it will take an extra week to get the part, because you ordered it from a different supplier...it is critical. These people have, sometimes, over $100,000 dollars worth of material that's in some debateable "backup" ultracold, because you are trying to save them $50.00.
Seriously, will you ASK me first before you take MY order and change it to order off some contract supplier? I mean, this means I will be waiting a week for a compressor that I could've had TOMORROW.
Because, like I said, this is not TAXPAYER dollars. This is RESEARCH GRANT dollars. We DON'T own this equipment.This department is perfectly willing to pay me $2500.00 to fix their equipment. IF IT GETS DONE QUICKLY. I mean, hell, it's 8-10,000 dollars to buy a new one. Don't hold me up with your beaucratic $50.00, when we are talking hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of stem cells or tissue samples at risk.
Please, just turn in the order I request, from the supplier I request.
With the utmost gentleness,
The refrigeration expert who had to hold herself back from strangling you this morning.
Mar 13 2008, 10:17 PM
Could you figure out how to send yourselves? I'm too tired and don't want to be sitting in front of a computer.
You know, there's no shame in drinking decaf. None at all. In fact, it might be healthier for you, especially this late at night.
Dear dude who gave tonight's lecture,
It's people like you who make me wonder why I like history in the first place. That one story, while heartwarming yet slightly saccharine, took waaay too long, I wanted to hear more about the excavations, specific history of the area and artifacts, and sheesh, we are not idiots here. I'm the least informed person there and I was getting bored, and when you're boring someone who actually finds the topic fascinating, then you're in trouble. I think the presentations I saw in my freshman anthropology classes were better. Next time spend at least twice as long on the excavations there as you did on restoring that grave site, please.
--the girl who was crocheting in the back row
Mar 14 2008, 06:29 AM
dear piece of art that I just bought -
I know I can't really afford you right now, but I keep telling myself that you are an investment (and you are) I just love you and I wanted you so bad and the bonus is that now I have more pieces by the guy who drew you. I should probably get to know him personally, though. Would save me some money and I'd probably get a big brother or sister for you.
Mar 15 2008, 08:16 PM
Mar 17 2008, 11:07 PM
I'm finding this process fascinating, but please, no more scary stuff. Seriously, I almost went to the ER this weekend because I wasn't sure why my back was hurting, but I'm glad it isn't anything dangerous.
Also, could you get some of the hormones to take a break? It's not fun being really horny and not having someone to play with. (And no, having sex with some dude just because he's here isn't an option.)
From now on, just stick to reading books on pregnancy. Terminating is fine for online since there seems to be a lack of options in the area bookstores (and you are smart enough to figure out if it's a pro-choice or anti-choice site), but good lord, typing your symptoms into Google produced some terrifying results, and I'm sure the pain was made worse by your constant worrying. Did you notice that it seemed to lessen or go away once your mind was on something else?
Also, why are you having doubts about emailing that company back about the job? Yes, it is back in Minnesota, and yes, you would have to give up your cozy little apartment, hiking in the winter and your steady-but-boring job, but you know archeology is a seasonal gig up there, so you could return back to Arizona next fall. Just tell your workplace you need to take a leave of absence for some reason, sublet your apartment, and go.
It's because this feels like giving up, doesn't it? You feel like you're crawling back home, back to your family because you couldn't hack it elsewhere, and you told people you moved down here because there were more chances of finding a job here. In actuality, that had very little to do with your decision to move here. You just wanted to escape the life you saw so many of your peers fall into--stay close to home, marry some nice guy from a neighboring town, have a couple of kids while working a dull job and maybe go out for some movie on Saturdays. You wanted to be close to AZ Guy, and to actually live in a big city, and to experience something completely different weather- and scenery-wise (It is beautiful down here, isn't it? Minnesota's nice too, but it's a different kind of beauty). In some ways, you feel that moving back because you got a job in your field up there makes this seem like a waste of time. But didn't one of your professors say that it was best to start in the Midwest and then get hired elsewhere? You thought it sounded stupid then, but he had a point and, more importantly, experience. It might feel like a trap to go back, but for pete's sake, you know people in the field here, ask them for advice for moving around, and then TAKE IT. You're flying blinder than usual here, so get more information.
You're also concerned about what AZ Guy is going to say about this too. You really don't know what he's going to say about having a kid now, and quite frankly, you aren't sure what you're going to do either. Hell, you aren't even sure you'll be able to do fieldwork while pregnant. You know he'll be thrilled that you got a job offer, but you aren't sure about the other stuff.
And stop kicking yourself for not being better prepared for anything. It's counterproductive and people go through this all the time. Life, no matter how hard people try to make it, is not predictable. Just think about your options, think about what's important, discuss it with some people, and try to have some fun this week, which is possible.
Mar 19 2008, 07:57 AM
Sorry to be a thread hog (and a thread killer).
Dear AZ Guy,
So while I've been reading stuff on the cost of childcare and worrying about how we can afford this, you've been picking out baby names and anticipating how awesome it is you're going to be a father. Nice.
To put this in terms you might understand, I felt like we're in that episode of Futurama last night, only you're Kiff and I'm Amy. Too bad we can't let this little one swim around in a swamp for twenty years.
Mar 19 2008, 08:02 AM
I wish you had no idea how much I care about you. I wish I could just stop picturing you with her. When you were with me three days ago. Three days. You have no idea how much this hurts. How much it makes me sick to think that you ran straight to the sluttiest girl I can think of. You used to make fun of her and say that you could never be attracted to her. How ironic, huh? Fuck off.
Pretentious bitch with your Amelie hair,
Fuck you. I have made effort after effort to be your friend. I have always felt like you had some sort of rivalry going with me, but tried to ignore it. I know that you were going after him while we were still together and there is really nothing stopping me from punching you in the face if I ever see you again. People thought we were friends. I thought we were becoming friends. Then you decide that fucking my boyfriend is more important and rubbing it in my face. You are lame and fake and everyone knows it. It is obvious that you do everything you do for attention. Well, here's some attention for you. You are a nasty, pseudo-intellectual slut. Thanks for giving me a reason to stop making pleasantries with you. From now on, you are getting the real me, unfiltered. Enjoy.
Mar 19 2008, 11:33 AM
((((((lillac)))))) just 'cause.
growing faster than a speeding bullet pupp's o'mine :
or at least take it down about 50 thousand notches or so please?
you're ferally hyper when I am sleepy or trying to rest my back, and then you're sleeping angellically so's I can't so much as tiptoe to get anything done here when I am wide awake and feeling good.
the shredded pad- yet again.
the spilt water dish- again. especially as I finally just managed to get the kitchen floor vaccumed and mopped yesterday, but this allowed me the opportunity to do it All Again. ( maybe it's a hint from you about my lackluster home making skills?)
and then there's my poor, or what's left of them, exotic plants - yes also, Again. they're living beings just like you, please stop trying to slowly murder them!!
and you know when I fuss at you you look at me so innocently, and I am instantly reminded that you are just wee young babes of 3 mo's now and are just being what is natural to be- puppies, and feel like a lowlife dirtbag for hollering.
really lovebugs, can you please help a mama out already?
when oh when is your father coming home today & is it 5:00 yet?
I think I see a martini coming on,
new dr I'm seeing fri: please know what's going on w/ my back & let it be an easy & fast fix?
new dr jellyfinger I am seeing next month:
I am not certain much about the additonal tests my reg GP wants you to do. the essure yes, but only once you fully explain everything completely & totally & don't rush me about it.
my thing w/ the xtra tests, if it ain't broke, don't mess w/ it and I feel fine so don't be pushy.
that you are a man and I am ridiculously old fashioned about that, and well, men don't have the same anatomy & I just can't frankly see how you can Ever really understand a woman's body as well.
I may have a problem w/ you poking and prodding down there & if so, don't be pushy about that either.
best yet: offer me some sort of sedative and we'll all get along just grandly
not thrilled but keeping the appt (at least so far)
Mar 19 2008, 11:37 AM
Why the fuck are you being such an asshole? You know I'm dealing with all these weird feelings from my mom, and then you decide that you need to borrow money? You make a lot from your job! Then you get mad at me for wanting to not be around you? As well as getting pissed that you have to take me to work, instead of going to your workout club. Please fuck off.
I'm sick of the hormones. Stop the cramps. Crying spells. I just want this period to end.
FUCK OFF. I work rain boots last week because I don't know.. Atlanta had a goddamn tornado!! Yeah, they weren't the right shoes, but it was raining. A whole lot. I'm sick of all the management being like assholes. If I had something to fall back on, I would so quit you right now.
Mar 19 2008, 12:59 PM
you sound like a smart person who thinks things through. whatever you make of the choices you have, you are a resourceful person and will get through them. sometimes things just don't go quite the way you plan. try not to beat yourself up so much. girls spend way too much time doing that already.
i do hope those red lines on my belly are broken veins from the cold, and not stretchmarks. don't i treat you right?
Mar 19 2008, 02:03 PM
Don't take things so personally. Not everyone will always agree with what you do or say. You cannot please everyone and that is OKAY. Stop being so sensitive and quick to get upset. Its not worth it.
Mar 20 2008, 01:54 AM
I wish truly I knew you under different circumstances! This sucks.
I'm glad you found me on myspace. I'm glad you haven't changed... i'm glad you forgave me. I'm so glad we cleared the air. And I'm extremely glad I was able to apologize for being so stupid and selfish and immature. I'm sorry I hurt you. Did I mention I'm happy you forgave me??!! Thank you for still being my friend. I love you dearly. You were the best friend I've ever had.