Dec 2 2008, 12:36 AM
I'm sort of dying to get in touch with you before this weekend, but maybe I should plot a scheme to get you away from the rest of the group on Saturday night? I'm not a very good scheme-plotter - I always have to ask other people for ideas...
At this point, I know I have the ovaries to make a move on you privately, but in front of the rest of our friends?? I just don't know about that. We are such a bunch of gossips! I die at the idea of them talking about me making a move on you!
I guess I'm afraid they'll think I'm a fool, kinda how I think of the other women that have thrown themselves at you incessantly. I don't think I'm like them. And unlike them, I think you are attracted to me as well, and could actually see me in your life. And these are people who really enjoy my company, people who can't beleive you don't have a girlfriend and probably can't beleive I don't have a boyfriend.
You are the only man I've ever met that is MORE scared than I am just to ask someone out, and I'd just like to say that it sucks! I think you have good reason, maybe even beyond what I already know about you. I wish I could keep getting to know you at the pace we have been, but I think some of the things we need to find out about each other need to be discussed in the context of an official I-am-interested-in-you DATE.
I've made peace with the idea that you may not want to date anyone, and so you may reject me. But that's ok. You've continued to hang out with the other women who've asked you out, and I don't think it would be any different with me. I'm ready to take the risk because I'm just done with not knowing if my desire to go out with you is mutual. 'Cause it seems like it might be. Gawd you are cute. It's just one date, right?
Thinking of you (duh),
Please feel well enough to go to work tomorrow. I'm sick of seeing my wierdo roommate that reminds me of my father. Although he should be working tomorrow. So it might be ok to be home again. But still. I didn't get out enough when I wasn't sick, and it's been too long since I've been out of the house for a whole day.
Thanks a bunch in advance,
Dec 2 2008, 01:15 PM
I almost wrote to you again last night. Well, actually I did, but was smart enouh to park it in the Drafts folder instead of sending it. My head keeps telling me not to do it. Don't open that door! And then my heart tells me that there are still a few unresolved issues and that we are bound to come into contact with each other in the upcoming months and that it would be easier to face this shit head first instead of tiptoeing around the White elephant in the room. Do I want to pick up where we left off, absolutely not! I am happy! Happier than Ihave ever been in my adult life. But I miss your friendship, and since our relationship didn't die a natural death, it makes it hard. I don't expect or even really want to regain the closeness we once had, but it would be nice to be able to be in the same room with each other and our mutual friends without all the drama. I'm just afraid that if I ever really do hit the send button, you are going to deliberately misinterpret the intention and things will go from bad to ugly.
Can I just tell you how surreal it was to be sitting on thsi side of the table? The woman happily married, listening to her friends bitch about how awful their marirages are. And the crushes! OMG! I understand, I really do, been there, done that. But Honey, I can tell you better than anyone else that it's not worth it.
You have managed to stir the pot for me though as evidenced by the above letter.
I know you were embarrassed about how "out of place" I was with you and your friend talking. But I can't begin to explain to you what it was like tohave a mirror help up to me. I saw myself a few years ago...and I clearly see where I am at now. I was really blown away! I have come so far. I hope you make it over to this side as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Dec 2 2008, 02:36 PM
I've missed you! I think this is the longest I've ever been away without even an occasional lurk-fest. I'm especially enjoying the view from my shiny new laptop, and I feel very lucky.
Dec 3 2008, 07:34 PM
Dear tickly cough and wisdom tooth
Damn you for ganging up on me! Now my throat is very sore and I'm losing my voice and I couldn't audition for the solo I wanted at choir tonight
I will take good care of you and feed you lots of medicine and liquids and healthy food, and take you to the dentist on Friday, if you'll let me get better quickly. Deal?
P.S. Wisdom tooth, if you're still playing up on Friday I will have no hesitation getting you extracted! You have been warned!
Dec 4 2008, 05:56 PM
Thank you for coming to my rescue and keeping my finger off that send button! I needed to hear those things today.
Dec 9 2008, 08:18 AM
I am getting very tired of you always just adding more work to my job description. I am not a robot, I can only handle so much. I feel like when S complains that she is too busy then you just shift her work to me. This makes me feel second rate.
Dec 9 2008, 09:24 AM
I miss you. I miss the constant emails and the passionate lovely sex.
Were circumstances different I would be wooing you with dinners & text messages. I would be there.
I didn't think it would happen so soon, but I think I could move on from here.
Whenever I see you I'll likely still be thinking about your lips and tits, but I think I can play it cool.
I hope this makes it better for you - I know fooling around with me has been hard.
I Love You, and I want you to feel good more than I want you.
Dec 9 2008, 07:44 PM
you are an asshole. You expect P and M to take care of your responsibilities and when M needs you the most you can only spare a couple of hours. What is wrong with you? Oh I know, you are an asshole.
you can deal with the financial issues, pull together the presentation and do your best to help take care of M all while working full time. You are more than capable. also you are not an asshole.
Dec 10 2008, 06:49 AM
dear spam bots and tr**ls -
fuck off and die.
Dec 10 2008, 11:21 AM
Dear apartment management,
You people are dumbasses. I cannot believe you put this late notice on our door. I spoke to Airhead on Friday and told her the check was coming in the mail from the bank on that day... she pretended to write down my info and said she'd check the mail later. I assumed she would be courteous enough to follow up and let me know if she'd gotten the money. Apparently you need a brain to have follow up skills or common courtesy. Now I know that we need to continue hand-delivering our rent payment because BOA sucks and you all are too lazy to call folks back. Instead, you take the time to get on your lil golf carts and stick late notices/warnings on individual apartments. WTF??
You could have saved us all time and that extra $30 late fee!! BITCHES!
F*** you very much,
T in apartment H
p.s. F*** off spambots!
Dec 10 2008, 09:45 PM
Dear new boss,
While I realize this is a paid internship, I have no craft skills. I am not Martha Stewart's daughter. I can't tie bows well. You kept changing your mind three damn times today. Do not freak out over the damn dolies. They're just paper that you bought at the Container Store. Ugh!!
Please find me a job. I'm sick of grunt work.
What the fuck tonight? Did you not see me crying in the car? Did I not tell you about my shitty day. You went to the bar anyway? You'd rather hang out and talk about new computer language?? And, to think I was horny.
Dec 10 2008, 09:55 PM
Please remind me that everything will workout fine. I'm a bundle of nerves. Damn. Trying to have faith but it is waivering. Who am I kidding? I'm still skeptical.
Just being honest.
Dec 11 2008, 01:21 AM
What an awesome supplemental!! Goddamn I love seeing a dollar amount that feels right considering all the extra work I did last month! Yay for raises and the sweet, sweet differential!
P.S. Job security!!!!!
Dear Dispatch and union peeps,
Thank you for keeping me in mind and all the work you do - I am so totally stoked that I don't have to end the year feeling really f'ing poor. I'll do my best to be a good 2nd vice president next year!
Dear letters thread,
Did I just write the two dorkiest letters ever to exist in this thread?? Just curious.
Let me know,
Dec 11 2008, 09:41 AM
I'm sorry I yell at you. I'm sorry you have this disease. I'm sorry that I've thought about putting you to sleep.
I will try harder to get you outside more and get the medicine right.
Dec 12 2008, 02:13 AM
warning: TMI gross medical stuff
Dear mother in law,
you know I describe you as the best MIL I could have wished for, but Jesus Christ I'm angry at you tonight. I've tried to focus on the positive and let go of resentment and count my blessings (cheap rent, quality time with you, and you really are lovely most of the time). I thought I was successful at that until tonight. I get that you don't think flea bites are a big deal. If it were just the flea bites I think I could deal ("just," mind you, multiple bites over my back and abdomen and ankles and the occasional one on my arms). Especially because I think my body's at last starting to not react to them since I don't seem to be getting as many as I used to.
If it were just the boils, I might be able to deal.
If it were just the constant population of flies in the house resulting from your relative's dysfunctional ways of running the household, I might be able to deal. (Protecting my food from being landed on by the 1 or 2 or 3 flies that diffuse into our room from the kitchen, btw, is upsetting. Yes, I should count my blessings that there haven't been more flies than that in our room. Yes, I know your response if I said anything about flies on food would be /shrug "I'm still alive." Fuck you.)
i would have liked for you to tell us, before we moved in, that 1. every one of your pets has fleas because you and your relative had stopped buying the "good" flea stuff because it's too expensive (never thought about cutting back on the pastries and candies and restaurants, though), and 2. you've been colonized by bacteria that cause you to break out in painful boils every so often. I don't give a shit that you think they're no big deal and they go away eventually. I don't give a shit that the one that your MD cultured wasn't MRSA, therefore, it's unlikely that the ones I've been getting are unlikely to be MRSA. I don't give a shit what kind of bacteria they are.
They're still giving me 2-3 abscesses a week on my abdomen (and the four on my butt and the one on my boob, those were just wonderful), a third of which don't go away quietly after bursting but instead become inflamed and painful and leave dark brown spots when they finally go away. They've given me this enormous one on my leg that the MD just drained today (after I spent over a week hobbling around with it because you said airily "Oh just put hot compresses on it" and because the last MD from this fucking awful health network that YOU recommended as "the best" dismissed the last bad boils as infected flea bites - though yes, the MD today was competent, thank cod), that has an area of redness and inflammation around it the size of my hand from wrist to fingertips.
All of that would have been fine except when I told you the MD thought it could be MRSA you said "but he hasn't cultured it yet, so no need to stress out about it being MRSA" and "I get those all the time, they last a long long time but I just hot compress them and they go away eventually" and "they'll eventually drain by themselves, they just need lots of hot compressing and squeezing and just little bits come out for days but then finally they'll drain," as if they're no big deal. I can't believe how not-giving-two-shits you are. Is it the antidepressants? Is it your codependent habits from your marriage, or maybe the ones from living in thise dysfunctionally run household that you were so kind as to invite us to stay in while we looked for our own place and got the repairs done? (Yes I was happy to pay cheap rent but now I've got unexpected medical bills anyway and I'm thinking we'd have done better to pay more for a small apartment that doesn't have a kitchen sink with decomposing food in it and all the rest of it, and btw I fucking HATE having to protect my hot compresses and the basin I squeeze them out in from the fucking FLIES).
Look, it's obvious I caught this from YOU because I never had any goddamn issues like this before moving into this filthy house. I haven't been able to have sex with your son for almost three months because if if the boils haven't been too tender to risk getting touched, the abscesses have been ready to burst with any inadvertent brush of his hand. The least you could have done tonight was not brush away my report of what the MD said with "Oh I get those all the time don't worry they clear up eventually." Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
Dec 12 2008, 08:51 PM
Dear Anarch -
Oh. my. god. can you get out of there? not only does it sound like you are at your last straw, it sounds downright physically harmful.
Dear Friends -
I miss you. I miss hanging out with you. I miss you checking in on me and just wanting to hang out. Is it R, and that I've spent quite a bit of time with him? Did I pick your brains too much about him? Or are you just busy and in a time when you're into hanging out with each other? You have known each other for years, and I'm just a minute part of that. At any rate, beyond guessing, I just miss the camaraderie with you.
I really want to hang out and get back to basics.
Dear middle -
I fucking hate you. I've never had you. I'm appalled at myself. I'm gonna get rid of you. dammit.
Dec 12 2008, 10:48 PM
((((anarch)))))) what misery! a ditto to what zoya said: I hope you can move out asap!
E: I know you've noticed I haven't emailed you back. it's only been a few days, but for us being back & forth daily it won't be but another day or so before you really realise it.
here's the thing.. I know you're slipping again.. I noticed it last week, maybe earlier, but your most recent email really set it- you're repeating yourself from email's I probably still have from last year.
everything good I have written about lately to you you once again have to One Up me on.
and that'd be fine if it was just cooincidental sharing of YOur Friend you have to call, and a very similarly described new coat that you just ordered.. except that it's the same coat I KNOW you wrote about last year and I probably still have the saved email to prove it. the coat sounded so lovely, it stayed in my mind.
all this makes me feel, or should I say reminds me, that I cannot trust you completely. bc it's lies.
and after the long history we've already had I know it's better to back off for awhile now.. put you at arms legthn and make some space, than to have it out w/ you & lose you completely.
I love you E. my sisterfriend. but I know finally also that I cannot save you from yourself either.
I really believe our futures are very much intertwined, but you will never fully understand the depth of sadness & suffering I went through in the years we didn't speak. the countless hours of tears & self-flagilation wondering what I did wrong that made you turn away from me like that- to keep sooooo many secrets right in front of my face.
I love you e, but I love-me-More.
maybe I should send this to you after all..
wishing things were different,
Dec 13 2008, 07:21 PM
Early January the repairs should be complete on the place we bought at the end of August, so I'm crossing my fingers! (we thought we'd move in in early Oct but the plumber & electrician kept on suggesting "Y'know, while you're doing this, it'll save you money in the long run if you upgrade xxxx and yyyy and zzzz and..., now, while the walls are open and the yard already looks like hell..."
Have I said lately how much I love you Busties? No? Love, love, love you. Also hug you, from a very very long distance away! (Once this boil heals up I'm supposed to do what the MD referred to as the "decolonization process" so I hope to cod after that and having moved the hell away into our house, the boils will be gone and my body will be happy again and my siblings won't recoil at the idea of hugging me...)
Dec 14 2008, 01:33 PM
I would love to speak at a breakout session. I need to network and get some choice consulting gigs. I am thankful for the recognition of my skills and could do some more kick ass work ( and get paid!!) please please invite me to speak you won't be disapointed!
Dec 14 2008, 07:43 PM
What's with the married men that keep on coming my way? I've removed myself from the game and they are coming out of the wood works.
i'm deeply suspicious of the one from the start of the week.
What the heck is going on?
Dec 17 2008, 06:19 PM
So today is the day. You've missed so much. You shuffled off this mortal coil. ASSHOLE.
I still love you. I forgive you. You hurt me so much over the years. Just like your own issues with your own dad, I hungered for your approval & never received it. I was never gonna be perfect, no matter how much you wanted me to be.
Yeah, you fucked up my self-esteem, but you didn't know any better. You always told me that nobody would ever love me. REPEATEDLY. LIKE, EVERY DAY. I was too ugly, too gangly, too ME. Every day, "You're the ugliest girl in the world & nobody will ever love you. But your daddy." I know you didn't know that it was hurtful, but it was. And it colours every relationship I've ever had. It still weighs on my psyche.
I'll never be enough. I won't. I'll always be ugly, stupid, a disappointment. If you wanted perfection you should have drowned me like a kitten; had another one & corrected the mistakes you made with me. But you'd have likely fucked that one up too.
Dec 17 2008, 07:25 PM
Please just give me clarity with him. I am looking for faults and I've found some.
I'm going to give you a grilling. I'm going to be demanding and ask what I want to know. I don't even care if you don't like it.
Dec 18 2008, 06:08 AM
Dear self -
Do not buy a scanner. Do not buy a scanner. Do not buy a scanner.
Two Beeps -
Don't get defensive, ok? I ask rhetorical questions sometimes, just because I need to hear the answers. It has nothing to do with doubting you, or doubting us, or any of that. I just need reassurance sometimes.
This is the first place you've gone that I can't follow. It makes me so glad and relieved that you share every sordid detail of your days with me - seriously. I love that you wake me up when you get home and drag me out to have a snack before we both go back to bed. It's obvious that I am still your best friend. But I'm not exhaling yet. When school starts, it won't just be your schedule that's batty. Between 15 units and the museum... well, like I said, we haven't exactly hit our groove just yet.
And stop telling me how I'm going somewhere you can't follow, either. 'Cause nobody's gonna be shooting at me and my friends at school. Unless I go to CSU East Bay or something. And at the museum... well, everyone there is already dead.
Just chill with the reflexive defensiveness, and acknowledge that we've just never been tested like this. Not that I think we're doomed or anything. I just want us to keep our eyes open, that's all.
I love you, and I will do anything it takes to get us through this. I know that you will do the same.
I just wanna hear that occasionally in actual words.
Sleeping on the couch till you get home,
One Ping Only
Dec 18 2008, 08:14 AM
(((((((((((AP))))))))))))))))) your letter made me cry.
hearing words like that.. no, you don't get over them quick. I am so sorry sweetie.. ((((((((AP))))))))))
(((((rudderless)))))) been there often, and yah, it's scary, but your resolve is so solid.
always a pm away & ya know it,
ps: do Not buy a scanner!
Dec 18 2008, 10:08 AM
QUOTE(rudderlesschild @ Dec 18 2008, 05:08 AM)
And at the museum... well, everyone there is already dead.
this made me laugh. Thanks.
your letter hit home with me, as you know, I was in the same boat, only my dad didn't tell me he was the only one that would love me - he told me that I wasn't good enough for him either. I walked in the house just about every day from age 12 until I left for college, to be greeted not by my given name, but by "dipshit," and straight up told I wouldn't amount to anything. And I worked, I worked harder than anything, to prove that I was better than that, that I was worthy. And I never was. I know he's different now, and I know he's proud of me - but that doesn't take away the damage that was done. It colours every relationship I have - even those with my girlfriends - I'm constantly thinking that something I've done has fucked things up, and that I have to prove myself. Even now, when I absolutely KNOW I'm someone cool, worthy of love, certain things trigger me to go back to that place big time, and I have to talk myself down. (thank you, CBT) It sucks to have to live with it, and it sucks to be a person who feels things deeply (as I know you are) - I wish i could shut it, and my emotions off as easily as it seems others can do. But at the end of the day, I suppose we wouldn't be who we are if we didn't feel as deeply about people and places as we do. I guess I'd rather be moved to tears by a breathtaking mountain range than to have stuffed all this shit to the point I can't even see it.
anyway, that was just a stream of consciousness bit that I felt compelled to write after reading your letter. My heart reaches out to you, because reading it makes my own heart break as it always does when I think of those times.
Dec 18 2008, 11:40 AM
(((((ap and zoya)))))
I'm also with zoya on that line, very funny!
Dec 18 2008, 08:43 PM
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset anybody. I was just being a whiny little crybaby bitch.
It's been eight years since he's died & we were just starting to mend fences at that point. He had no idea how much he hurt me with what he said until I *told* him. He burst into tears when I did & he told me that I was beautiful & that he'd always thought I was. And he was right, even if I feel ugly most of the time. Every now & again I catch a glimpse of myself & think I'm pretty all right. I like the almond shape of my eyes, my pert nose, my voluptuous mouth.
It's funny. Sometimes there seems to be only two types of women in the world. Those that were told they were pretty & those that were told they were smart. I've always been in the smart camp.
Anyways, I know that I will never truly feel pretty. The one man that was supposed to adore me told me frequently that I was unattractive even to him. That I was unworthy. I was clumsy & ugly & nobody would ever love me with my bashed up knees.
There were times with HB where I'd go, "The fuck you lookin' at?" His answer was always just, "You. Because you're beautiful & I can." I just rolled my eyes & was like, whatever on the outside. On the inside, though, I was jumping for joy that somebody thought of me that way. A way I'd never be able to see myself.
Dec 19 2008, 04:54 AM
AP: I was in the "smart" column, too. The dichotomy is pretty weird. I've never fully believed that anyone thought I was hot, despite all evidence to the contrary. I always manage to convince myself they're just putting up with my non-bombshell-ness because they're somehow bewitched by my brain. Which should be a good thing, except I'm always sure I'm about to be replaced by someone cuter.
Aaaaand... now for some blatant hypocrisy.
I'm not in the habit of hounding people for replies - most of my friends are sailors and I'm totally used to intermittent comms. But you've been dodging Beeps too, which is weird.
That thing you wrote on Facebook? That's pretty ominous. Especially after the protracted silence. Judgement? Dog-catchers? I really wish you would write to me, or to Beeps. I want to know things are ok.
I wish like hell that we'd met after Beeps and I decided to make things permanent. I wish we'd never had the chance to see each other in that light. It takes quite a bit of... meditation or something... to clear the mists and keep me honest with myself. I have to find that fine line between my genuine concern for you as a friend (and Beeps's friend) and this odd little spell we've spun.
But my head is definitely in the right place with this one. If you were any other friend, and were posting shit like that, I'd be just as spooked. But because things are... the way they are with us, I can't get too aggressive about tracking you down. Wouldn't sit well with June at all. Wouldn't look right to Beeps.
Write to me. Or write to Beeps. Or have June write to me. Just get in touch with us.
And please be ok.
With love, in every way that matters...
Dec 19 2008, 02:59 PM
I love how our childhood can fuck with us so much.
Wow. what on earth is going on? You moved fast and now nothing, you couldn't even give me the courtesy of picking up the phone and saying hey i'm sorry I'm just not interested. What the hell? Now I feel like a complete fucking idiot and I want to cry. I really thought you were sweet. I guess I was wrong.
Douche bag loser isn't worth it. remember that there are better people out there.
Dec 19 2008, 03:31 PM
Okay double post,
you have a wife???? You fucking useless douchebag lying cock sucking bastard. I hope you rot in hell for this Go fuck yourself.
Dec 19 2008, 09:02 PM
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Dec 18 2008, 09:43 PM)
There were times with HB where I'd go, "The fuck you lookin' at?" His answer was always just, "You. Because you're beautiful & I can." I just rolled my eyes & was like, whatever on the outside. On the inside, though, I was jumping for joy that somebody thought of me that way. A way I'd never be able to see myself.
((AP)) i do the same thing too. i think someone has to be staring at me for different reasons. not because they find me attractive. that's the furtherest thing from my mind. i still think that they look at me cause i'm hideous looking.
Dec 19 2008, 10:21 PM
ooch. ap those letters are hitting way too close to home--granted, my issues are a bit different, but internally, it feels the same. i just always see/feel boy, and never think i'm anything but hideous. and well, my family issues are fucked up in a different way. *sigh* i hate childhood. the first and second ones
Dec 19 2008, 10:58 PM
[quote name='auralpoison' date='Dec 18 2008, 08:43 PM' post='227924']
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset anybody. I was just being a whiny little crybaby bitch.
ap: please don't apologise for being human.
you're always so strong and kickass & real
; I think you know this is the last place you're going to find judgement.
(((((ap)))) so take my hugs wether you want them or not.
new sister-in-law :
you don't know me. now though, you Want to know me. and it's very sweet that you do; you want to be a part of "the family" and got my email from "mom" then sent me a very sweet letter w/ your broken english that is adorable. and you've seen pictures of my 'kids' (1 human & I hope you mean the fur ones otherwise?) and my brother has told you a lot about me.
such things as ... I never cried loudly when he would hit me? .... except for that one time I tried to kill him with a steak knife, I was pretty controllable over all?
see dear 'Nina'... there are things about my brother- your Wonderful Husband you probably Don't Know.
and it's not that I don't want him to be happy, bc the thought of him spending the rest of his life alone makes my heart ache terribly too, but right now, I've spent 6 months in therapy & an arsenal of narcotics to both remember and then forget the trauma he put me through as a kid. I'm trying to soften the cut lines he made into my psyche and adolecent soul. with his depature to your homeland it gave me more viable & literal space to create the true sense of all that being In The Past & having survived it, that I had never been able to feel before.
and none of his previous 3 wives gave much of a damn about me, which I now see as a blessing bc it made their departures so much easier.
and see 'Nina'.. what else "mom" might not have told you is I also don't speak to our older sister "L" either.
she's a bitch that I have no use for and suspect she feels likewise toward me.
so inclusion into "the family" might not be the happy sing along I think you imagine.
I don't know and right now cannot possibly fathom what my brother might have told you about me.
mom says she has questioned him about some of the recovered memories I've shared with her and he says he has no recollection of anything at all, so there's a good chance he may tell you something vague like 'she tells tales' or the like. yes, the kind that leave me w/ ptsd 30 years later.
I believe, from the emails "mom" has shared with me from you previously, that you really have a good heart and trully don't know or can understand the twisted dynamics of our family.
it's very bittersweet to finally have a sister in law that is so good and kind and caring and in that respect I DO want to know you, but my heart is a guarded thorny place at the moment 'Nina' and so am at a loss as to even how to word a simple reply to you.
Dec 20 2008, 12:03 AM
This is just a hard time of year for me & I've been crying a LOT. Like, several times a day for no reason a lot. Bawling like an infant. Having to pull over on my way to the grocery crying. Watching banal tv crying. Crying in the shower. Crying while I cook dinner.
The Holidays are a pain in the ass for most of us & I just feel bad for dropping my drama on all of you. We're all dealin' with some serious shit. My shit ain't special, in many ways I am blessed. I frequently feel like I'm taking shit for granted.
But I do appreciate all the support & love you guys give me even though I am evil. (((((Busties)))))
Dec 20 2008, 12:48 AM
(((AP))) oh dude, you know you can call me if you want to talk about random shit.
I get it. I wasn't letting go. I was still trying to control things and out think whatever you have in store for me. I need to put my best foot forward and trust that things will work out for me. Trust is the hardest thing for me to do. I need to trust though. I need to truly let go any wants, needs, desires of what I thought I knew was good or best for me. I need to just acknowledge the good things that are happening for me and realize that whatever happens next...no matter how fucking random it is...it is for the best for me. My life does not happen in a linear fashion for me. My story is different. I need to accept that. I need to to let go.
Shit. I'm scared.
Dec 20 2008, 01:13 AM
AP, you are my heroine. You're smart and badass and cool and funny and sharp, just amazing.
I, too, fell into the "smart" camp. I wasn't called pretty/beautiful growing up, the only comments on my looks was either from my peers calling me ugly or my sister teasing me for having skinny limbs and a round little belly. I got big boobs at 12/13, wore glasses, was shy, bookish, socially awkward, and just hated being a teenager, I felt so ugly inside and out. So I spent most of my free time reading or watching old/indie/foreign movies, and those were my escapes from my reality as a shy dateless wonder with few friends. I was just remembering how when I was 17, I had a gorgeous friend who was from Greece, and almost always had a boyfriend or guys into her, she looked like a model, she was exotic and feminine and sweetly quiet, and I felt so ugly next to her, looking like Velma from Scooby Doo or Daria. We'd go out with her boyfriend or guys who admired her, and I felt left out, the "ugly" friend brought along. This same scenario repeated itself with another gorgeous friend of mine, this time from Dutch Guyana, who knew she was exotic/sexy/hot, and would tease me because I didn't like to show off my breasts or was shy, and made me feel like a dork.
rudderless, same here. Even today, I like my looks better, but still feel like a nerd, or not "hot." Even if the times I've gotten hit on, called pretty/beautiful, I can't let myself get wrapped up in it, or have the confidence to think that I'm a hot girl, since I know I'm probably a 5 on the hotness scale, and am realistic.
Dec 20 2008, 11:19 AM
Dear R -
It's not the fact that for whatever reason, you want to back off - it's the fact that you are choosing not to man up and just talk to me about it. After our (NOT one-sided) conversations about communication and trust, I'd think of all people, you'd get it and it wouldn't be a big deal to have a chat. But choosing instead to ignore me (and maybe hope it will just go away??) just hurts.
ps - I have fucking christmas presents for you and your cat. There's no one else I can give them to. Couldn't you have just fucking waited until after the holidays?
Dear Universe -
I know you always have my best interests at heart, and I'm more trusting and zen about the way things unfold in life than I've ever been. However, I'm getting pretty fucking sick of you dealing with things in my life by ripping them away like a band aid that's been pulled without warning from a fresh scrape.
Dec 20 2008, 02:42 PM
I have a cat...
Sorry, hun, just trying to cheer you up.
I will see you SOON and we will have WINE and chat and hugs.
eta: (((everybody))) sorry, I was just lurking to read zoya's letter, posted and then noticed that others are feeling shitty too. (((you)))
Dec 20 2008, 07:18 PM
Bear would KILL me. Well, maybe not literally, but you know.
I want you, oh, lordessa, do I want you, but I don't want to lose Bear. I am an asshole.
I'm sorry your life is tanking...you're adorable, though. I only wish the best for you.
((((long sweet hugs and kisses for you)))))
Dec 21 2008, 08:14 AM
here you are, back on your own again. hopefully wiser, smarter, and without a doubt older. you are starting to learn how to ignore the nonsense that goes batshit crazy in your head every time you walk out of the door. good. give it no quarter. even when it is a whisper crush it. destroy it and never let it rule you again. don't make the same mistakes. please. don't choose to screw yourself over, because the urge is still to run from who you are. if you need something different, then seek something different, don't paint your self into a corner-- again. don't burn bridges, tear up asphalt, and blow up roads, sometimes there are things you need where you've come from. don't be such a child. you are, as ap would say, a grown ass woman, and it's taken you forever to get here. take pride in that and who you are. in short, grow up and get your shit together, k?
signed, that foot in your ass,
the woman you're still waiting to grow into
Dec 21 2008, 08:46 AM
wow. So we got together last night, and I didn't even hae a desire to do that. It's why I didn't try anything. I've been pretty active these past few weeks, it's funny how you don't fit into that. I thought that we would be totally awesome together. Now that I'm looking at things, perhaps through more skeptical eyes, I'm not so sure anymore. Honestly, I don't even think I want to try. I'v become so indifferent now, it's kind of wierd. I can't quite put my thumb on it. I think I went into hanging out with you overload, and now I'm not so sure.
You're still one of my best, but as it happens with everyone I hang out with on an overload basis, I get bored.
I miss caring a lot about you, sort of. I don't miss being hurt, but I miss how close we were. I know we are still really close, but now I find that I'm not telling you things.
I'm not too sure how to put this into words, I adore you as a friend, but because things didn't happen when my feelings wanted, they never will again. You know how it is with me, if you don't seize the opportunity when it presents itself, it won't happen again.
Your Confused Friend,
Dec 22 2008, 11:51 AM
Dear Rocky aka Captian obvious!
Ok yeah, I know I have a bad limp. And really, it doesn't come as a suprise to me that my tendon is really tight! I've been all through this with Beth and I know what I am supposed to be working on. She gave me such good news and hope Thursday, please don't dump negativity on me now! I only have 2 more PT appts, lets just get through them, ok?
And really, the faces while I am doing the stretches! I can't tell if I am doing the stretches wrong, if you don't like how tight my pants stretch across my Ass while I am flexing or what, but you are giving me a complex! I get it, you are the GD Doogie Houser of Physical therapy. You look all of 16 and your ability to make me feel old, is not a point in your favor. And using all the big medical words, does not make you sound older, just arrogant. Plain English please from now on. Thanks you.
Dec 23 2008, 08:37 PM
Dear R -
I'm not exactly sure what (if anything) we decided, but I'm glad we talked. I think in a way it was good to leave it like we did, food for thought. Thanks for being so honest and open, I'm glad I was able to shut up and listen. I learned a lot about you. I feel that I understand you a wee bit better, and where you're coming from. I kinda wish I'd said a bit more about what I want, but I had a lot of conversation from you to process, I hope you processed it when I did tell you I'd like to hear from you more, and that I'd like to see you more. We'll see. I'm glad you said "we can talk more about this later" before you had to go, I'll definitely want to discuss this further.
I'm not sure exactly what to do. I think I need to clarify with you a bit more. I might need to move on.
I like you loads. tons. gobs.
ps - I knew you weren't over your ex from 4 years ago. I just knew it.
Dec 24 2008, 12:37 AM
Two Beeps -
You know how it is. From our bed, from our apartment on South Shore, you can hear the BART all the way from Oakland. You can hear the AMTRAK. You can hear the ferry horns and the Coast Guard pipes. I now realize you can hear the sirens, too. See, I'd always just assumed they were Alameda sirens. But I wasn't really thinking about it at all. What on earth would keep the Alameda PD so busy, anyway? Now I know. I know the APD sirens from the OPD sirens.
I'm kinda wishing you'd never taught me to tell the difference.
Over the past couple weeks, I've gotten used to this. I've kinda just swallowed it.
But tonight the helo is up. (Or do they call it a chopper? Gotta learn a whole new jargon now, y'know.) It's hanging out over there, where the Cypress used to be. Where you're supposed to be tonight.
I've been freezing my butt off on the roof, watching your little bug-bird light up swirling pillars of fog. I can't stay up there all night, I'm soaked and sniffling. But I will be staying up with some Law & Order reruns till you come home.
Your helo (chopper?) is infinitely more graceful, may I add, than our whiny little HH-65's.
But if you don't come home, one of those birds will be looking for me tomorrow.
One Ping Only
Dec 24 2008, 06:02 PM
Dear former potential future employer:
Oh, did you REALLY have to send me that generic email on XMAS EVE telling me that I'm not in the running anymore for the job I kinda/sorta wanted because it would have been easy money and because I'd be good at it? Fuck off. I didn't really have hopes for it anyway, thinking you'd want a younger and less experienced person to boss around. You know what? I hope you get a lump of coal shoved up your ass tomorrow morning. A BIG ONE.
There are better things out there for me anyway and I am probably better off without you and your horrible manners.
Fa la la la la la la la la!
Dec 25 2008, 05:07 PM
rudder: every time I knew when the mr had a Jump (parachute), frecklette & I would go to the window or outside & blow kisses for him to catch on the way down to keep him safe.
sounds cheesey but it's always worked. we do what we must to live with the choices we (plural) make.
(((((((((((rudderless & Beeps ))))))))))))))
raisingirl: total suckage. what slime. I'm sorry, and I hope you find something & some place that appreciates your talents & skills and pays you fantastically. (((((((raisingirl))))))
- ruminations on life when I'm down -
I'm running out of wishes
running out of time
the stars have lost their luster
the ocean lost its shine.
My faith is slowly draining and I
doubt its coming back
I look into my soul and I wonder what I lack.
Life used to have more meaning, the sad days just a few
now I spend so much of my life, only feeling blue.
Dec 26 2008, 01:03 AM
freckle - that's a sweet ritual you guys developed.
Fortunately, he was not involved in the incident that prompted the chopper launch. He was too busy sorting out the aftermath of an RPG gone horribly awry... it ended with six dorky white kids scattering along one of the meanest streets in Oakland, bloody from head to toe, crouching behind cars and hiding in doorways from their pissed-off friend with the FOUR-FOOT KATANA.
Luckliy, Two Beeps's AC=18, DEX=15 and CON=14, while Katana Boy's INT=3.
Dec 26 2008, 12:16 PM
How about a second chance. Please.
Dec 26 2008, 03:00 PM
Wow. I expected it might be difficult for you to hear that I just got engaged. I know that you are often a self centered and selfish person, but really, I thought this once you might find it somewhere in your heart to at least pretend to be happy for me. I know the recent demise of your long term relationship under almost as harsh conditions as my last ltr might make it sting a little. I know you worry because you believe my judgement in people to be shitty because of the debacle with my last one. I know that you don't trust anyone, and that you don't really know R yet and that you may never warm up to him or like him because you, for all your new agey crap you spout off that you don't *really* believe, are a terribly judgemental person. But really? Waiting until R was just out of earshot and asking me if I was really and truly okay with this and the "Hmmm.. okay" and "Well, I hope this is really what you want" comments were just, just un-fucking-called for. CLEAN UP YOUR OWN BACKYARD, lady. Or should I say the graveyard that is where your heart should be. Don't project your distrust of all men on to the one man who has ever really and truly loved me for *who* I am. I don't care that there is something you don't like or trust. YOU aren't the one that is in a relationship with him. I don't know if it's his personality and strong presence, the tattoos, his line of work or the fact that he is a hard working blue collar sort of guy. Really, I could give a fat rat's ass what your beef with him is. FUCK OFF. And you know, for someone who considers herself one of my besties, you sure can be a selfish twit.
Bitch slaps and middle fingers,
YES, yes I am engaged to broke ass 40 year old culinary student who will probably never make the big bucks. Yes, he didn't get laid off of his restaurant job recently. The economy is shit, lady, people aren't dining out as much and if things pick up again he will be hired back. Big fucking deal. He is a full time student and really needed the time to focus in his studies anyhow. So stop asking me if he's found work yet every time we talk. You aren't my mother, remember, she's dead. And it's high time you stop treating me like you are somehow so "above" me. You are three months older and, might I add, terribly emotionally stunted. Not that it's any of your beeswax, but he happens to do on call work and he has sources of income that are none of your nosy asses business. And no, he doesn't have a big bank roll, a 401k plan or a brand new car. But you know what he has? A dream. A dream that he is *actually* daring to follow. Not just a soul sucking job that gives him the most cash. He's already been there and done that. What attracted me to him in the first place is that he had the nads to walk away from his cushy well paying job to be a student and make jack shit doing something that is, oh, I dunno, fullfilling to him. I was under no illusions of how much be banks a year or what his ambitions and goals in life are. I DON"T FUCKING CARE. He is a great dad and always provides for his son. He treats me like a queen, he resepects me, he loves me, he cherishes and protects me. You can't even stand your husband or your life. All you do is talk shit about him and his lack of help around the house. So you have a beautiful house, new cars and all the latest gadgets to clutter it up. You are truly living the dream aren't you? Trying for a second child when you two really don't even like eachother. How wonderful for you. And how sad for me. I mean first with my fertility problems and now with being with a broke dude who already has a kid. Geez, it must reallly suck for me, huh? Poor me, you must feel so sorry for me. But I got news for ya, sistah. It is really I who feels deeply sorry for YOU. You will never know what true happiness is. So please, kindly shove your pilates classes and big screen TV's right up your tight wanna-be yuppie ass.
Shin kicks and fuck you's,
Dec 26 2008, 10:10 PM
Dear whatever -
I'm sick of this and I'm sick of crying. When does this shit get easy for me? Really. I'm fucking over this shit. It's not fucking fair and fuck you.
Dear SB -
I don't know if you're in town, but if you are - if you so much as show up at my party, I'm going to be really pissed off, so fuck off. I don't give a shit if every single one of your friends are here. They're my friends too and I spend way more time with them than you do, since you chose to move away. You were never a real friend to me anyway, you lying sack of shit, and you don't deserve to hang out anywhere in my vicinity.
go to hell,