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rudderlesschild
Henry -

It is, as always, wonderful to hear your voice.

However.

Stop calling me "kiddo". You're 23. It's ridiculous.

- Anais
candycane_girl
Dear You,

You are so sweet and wonderful. I am falling for you hard and fast but trying so hard not to. I can't say that I love you yet but I think that we are both on the road to getting there. I love that there is still so much for me to learn about you. I love that you have been honest and open with me about your past and some of the things in your past that have really hurt you. I love the way that you look into my eyes. I'm so glad I found you. There's something different about you. I feel like there is a whole world of oppurtunity for the two of us. I can't wait to see you again. I can't wait to just lie in your arms and feel you hold me close as I fall asleep.
xoxo,
me
zoya
Dear Friends -

I texted 14 of you in a group today to see if anyone wanted to meet up and go to _________ this afternoon - only TWO of you even bothered texting me back to say you had other stuff on and couldn't go. Couldn't you have at least texted back with a quick "no?"

...way to make a girl feel loved. Thanks.
zoya
ihateoly
Dear You,

I am trying hard to understand why we don't sleep together anymore and where this may go. The thought of divorce is terrifying, but I can't remember the last time I felt loved and desired and that makes me sad. I miss being held and wanted. You make me feel ugly and ashamed sometimes even though I know you don't mean to. I know you are working on it and I see the efforts. I am trying too. I just hope we aren't beating a dead horse. I just want to be loved in return and have a sex life. I hope we can get there, because if we can't, I have to go away.

Me
rudderlesschild
Dear brain -

Shut up and let me sleep.

I know. It's like on the ship, when you first learn to "hear" the sonar inducing off the hull. You wind up spending hours perched in one spot, waiting for it to ping again. And because the bottom of the sea is a bumpy place, it pings at no regular interval.

You are tuned so perfectly to this frequency. You can't help but listen for the next ping.

But it's not coming this time.

Yeah, yeah. Nothing is certain, nothing is permanent. I really fucked you up with all that Taoist poetry, no? Thing is, you can't let that uncertainty paralyze you. Y'know what else is uncertain? Airplanes. Cars. Hell, woman, you live on the Fault. You're not gonna spend every night bent over a seismograph like it's a ouija board, are you?

You've slipped back into suspended animation. And you need to break out. You're gonna become the very thing you fear. Pick up a brush, pick up a pen. Call KP. Write to Henry. Drive down to Pigeon Point. Or - and I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out... SLEEP!!!!!

Just step. Away. From the screen.

- One Ping Only




crazyoldcatlady
dear planned parenthood:
thank you for the yearly report pamphlet you sent in the mail. this is lame, but it gave me such a great sense of pride to see my name in tiny tiny type with all the other donators for the entire year. i'm glad i was able to drop a ten here or there over the year, and i hope hope hope someone got the services they needed because of the wonderful things your provide and the atrocious bullshit you put up with. you were there for me once long ago, and it is my hope that you will continue to be there for future girls and women. AND men.

-COCL
freckleface7
(((((((((cocl))))))))) that is so awesome.
I was looking into some volunteer options & they were my first choice and was so Shocked to learn we don't have one here in the town/city I live in. it's like the 5th or 6th largest in our state- and what do young girls and boys then do when they have no other option??
I'm still at a loss to figure that one out. makes me want to research & see if our city has a higher teen preganancy rate than other's around here that have one.

PP was there for me too years ago, protesters outside and all.
thank you for supporting a program that made such a difference in my life.
sybarite
PP helped me too. Thanks for your ongoing support of them COCL.
culturehandy
Werd to COCL. That rocks.

Dear A,

You wanted to talk to me, I've been making the effort, but you are too busy. I don't expect to be number one in your life, but ifthings were to progress, and you are telling me the truth, I don't think I fit in with you. I'm giving up, this isn't worth my time.

Regrettably,

H.
missladyj
Z,
if you want to see me as much as you claim then get your shit together and make it happen. I gave you some dates that work for me and you disappear. I am not sitting around waiting for your call. It is odd though. what's your problem? Do I even want to know? Are you scared ? Don't you wanna see the hotness? I guess not. I'm sure your wife cannot compare. ha. Just wanna rub it in your face a little. Guess I wont even be able to do that. It's sad that your so lame.
J
auralpoison
Dear Aural,

You need to stop hating yourself. And you do HATE yourself. You DO, you silly bitch. Yeah, you're not perfect. It's dumb to try & fit a square peg when you are round. Simple force will not give you the desired outcome. No matter how much you both try. He loves you as is, quit trying to be "right" all the goddamned time. He will love you anyways. Suck it up & realize that for once in you life that you're not in control. Unlesss you want to be alone for the rest of your life. I know you think that boys are like buses, but really. You're retarded if you don't keep this one. Somebody wants you as is. AS IS. They aren't asking for any repairs, no adjustments. No exchanges.

He likes you even if you are fucked up. He still tells you that your hair feels like silk. When he thinks you are asleep, he breathes you in. He fingers your body like some supreme cartographer. He not only appreciates the lay of the land, he worships it. He thinks you're it. SO DON'T FUCK IT UP.

AP
designermedusa
Dear Self,

I am so proud of you for setting goals, and even though it's just the beginning you have been very impressive so far. Keep it going!

Sincerely,
Me
culturehandy
Dear Self,

Well, you tried, you really really tried with this one. But things just didn't feel right, you know that. after parted ways, you had a feeling that he was bad news. You can't ignore that. If something doesn't jive, you have to follow that. It sucks, yes, you want closure, yes, but things don't always work in your favour. For once, CH, you just have to let the cards lay as they will.

You'll be fine.

Self.

Dear P,

I liked that you came to me first with what was bothering you. I'm sure things will work for you. you know I've always got your back, you're one of my best, I won't walk away. You were there for me during my crap, you just need to sort yourself out. It will come. I know that things fell into place with me.

Always here for you,

H.
zoya
Dear Self -

Seriously, you need to stop drinking for awhile. And then curb it when you do decide to have a drink. You were doing great the other night, just having water, and then you got swept away in the spirit of the evening and out of control. Let that be a lesson. You are seriously going to become a parody of yourself - you know that you get really chatty when you're drunk and with the mental state you've been in lately, you're starting to say some things that aren't appropriate. It's probably not too late to redeem yourself and be normal, but you HAVE to start now.

you are not less than. You are a great person. You are neither too little or too much, and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. Remember that.

love,
zoya
humanist77
dear me,
everything is going to be okay.
auralpoison
Dear AP,

I know that you have no interest in going to Dallas. You do not want to be stuck in a car for eight hours listening to religious music & being lectured, but because he's old & he bullied you, you're going to spend four miserable days with a bunch of Jesus freaks. And you will suck it up to make that old man happy, which is commendable, but you'll just build up the same bitterness your father had for him. And you do not need that. Enough bridges have been torched.

You have to learn how to say no to him without blowing a gasket. You can be diplomatic, you know you can. It's just a matter of making him listen to something besides his own voice for a change.

AP
zoya
Dear everyone (not busties!) -

I fucked up. we've all gotten drunk and done or said extremely stupid shit. And I did a big one. who do I think I am? I'm still a newcomer, still not someone completely tried and true, even though we have become friends. It's not like we've known each other for years and I can get away with that shit. I'm sorry. I really overstepped my bounds. All I can do is rein myself in (which I need to do for me anyway) and eat some crow and not ever do it again. I hope you can forgive me.

I feel like an ass,
zoya
konphusion26
Dear friend,

I am very disturbed at this new whirlwind 'relationship' you're in. I've never known anyone to meet, sleep with, get pregnant, and get engaged to a guy in less than 6 months. I'm in awe, also slightly afraid that if this all comes crashing down that you'll be very damaged goods. This guy is pretty immature, barely legal, and to top it off you don't know him that well to be doing all this. I mean for goodness sakes, he only works PART TIME and lives with his MAMA and DADDY!! How will he support a family? He can't even support himself yet.

I want you to be happy, but I am scared for you. Not scared for your safety, but for your heart. You continue putting yourself in crazy situations with men girl. I just want to grab you and shake some sense into you. For your sake, I hope this works out. Marriage is a serious step.

It would have been nice to hear the news from your own lips. Yet, you've pushed me and T away for no reason. I'm hurt by that.

I'll be here if you need me. By the way, can I have my $10.00 back??

T
rudderlesschild
To the powers that be-

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sending El Conejo's boat to the Bay this week! We hadn't seen him in almost a year, and we definitely needed a pleasant surprise. It's phenomenal to have his light, joyful energy pinging off our walls. Here's to four nice, late nights of sea stories and Scattergories!

Thank you, universe. Thank you, Pacific Ocean. And thank you, too, Coast Guard. We're cool for now.

-rudderless



El Conejo -

I totally love you!

- FetusEater
rudderlesschild
Dear universe -

Belay my last. I get a jury summons, a parking ticket, a flu-bug and my period all on the same day? You are one sick bitch.

- rudderless
culturehandy
Dear a,

You really are a fucking useless douche bag. I'm making an effort to end things diplomatically and you are really REALLY starting to try my efforts at diplomacy. I'm soooooo busy blah blah blah, you know what, I know cops who make more fucking time for me, and they are better in bed and treat me better than you do. mofo!

When I finally do talk to you, I am going to either tear you a new ass, or just stop giving a fuck, I'm kind of leaning towards not caring.

Regards,

Me, that bitch YO!h
yuefie
Dear FWJJ,

Thanks the "non apology" apology. I understand it must be too difficult for you to openly admit that you initially weren't happy for me. But really, just you saying that you are in fact happy for me and that what anyone else thinks of him shouldn't matter in the least to me, is enough of an "apology" for me. I know you aren't good at those, so we'll just let this one slide since you obviously felt like an asshole. And you know what? You're right, what you or anyone else thinks of him means nothing to me because I adore him and he isn't going anywhere. You will either choose to get to know the wonderful man that he is, or not. Either way, it's your choice. But yeah, thanks for the "pep talk", I know it's as close to an "I'm sorry" as I'll ever get from you.

xoxo Lynnie


Dear Me,

Don't worry, Dr. Greenway is gonna rock the shit out of this surgery. Yes, it will hurt and you will be uncomfortable but you WILL get through it and feel so much better. They'll give you good drugs, take them and sleep as much as you can instead of being a pain in the ass patient. Try not to worry about running things and let the boys handle it. They will be okay and do their best. And hey, once you are fully recovered you can scrub the apartment from top to bottom.

Me
culturehandy
Dear you, not *the* you,

I'm breaking free and it feels great. You had your chance, more than a number of times, and you didn't take advantage of that. So I'm washing my hands, I think my current attitude paired with my first meeting tomorrow will get me where I want. I cannot see you in my life in any capacity, with the future I am choosing.

Regards,

CH.

Dear the real you!

You have been such a wonderful mode of support lately, I cannot thank you enough. Just listening to me sort out things and listening to me talk about how I fear I am self destructing, allow me to think logically and venting. Well, words cannot describe how much I appreciate it. As the card I sent you says, I'm glad I can use your lip gloss knowing that i won't get herpes. I had feelings for you and you were wonderful about it. Thanks for being one of my nearest and dearest, you've got a space in my life and you have forever impacted me.

Thank you.

H.
freckleface7
mr:
kindly refrain from obnoxiously saying things like ' did she say you need to have sex twice a day?!' when I return from my weekly shrink appointment.
it's lewd and offensive to me considering some of the issues you know I'm dealing with, and I need if anything, big solid hugs & quiet from you, bc I return very deep & lost in my own head.
I wish you understood me better by now,
mrs

self: the journey of a lifetime starts with a single step.
don't loose faith just bc you feel so lost right now;
we come in & leave this world alone.
be your own light, bc you Are bright enough.
I love you, I really do and think I do not say that near often enough to, so re-read this often,
LOVE, me
zoya
dear universe -

aw fuck, I dunno. I'm empty right now. Why is it when you truly care for someone, you unequivocally know that, instead of being selfish, you want them to go do what they need to do - yet at the same time, you wish you could be selfish and somehow make them stay.

zoya
girltrouble
look, i know you don't care about anyone or anything right now, and you think that everything is temporary. it's all that you've gone thru. but how long do you think you can live without hope? how long do you think you want to? i know it's easy to turn off that spigot that lets your feelings out, but remember is really, really fucking hard to turn it back on once you do. i know you think you'd be happier not feeling a goddamn thing, but are you sure?
treehugger
hey...I don't know if you were serious or not...but I'm a bit sensitive about that kind of stuff right now....I don't want to do a menage a trois with you and your girlfriend...for one thing, neither one of you are my type. You are both way too, something, I can't put my finger on it, for me.

Childish. That's the word I'm looking for. And you are both older than I am. Go figure.
crazyoldcatlady
dear you,

it was very strange to hear you talk about your recent female flings. i guess we really are just friends now. but you know what? i actually feel relieved. because i'm damn good at being just friends with guys, and i realize i actually do want you for a friend. i don't want you in any other capacity. not anymore.

-cocl
stargazer
dear universe,

i know i've questioned you in the past. but, you know what? i feel really good about myself right now. i've realized that the past 5 years was the leveling out of things in my life. i had to go through the good, the bad, and the ugly to get where i am at today. i had to experience the mourning of a past life, a past self that was not working for me. i'm moving from being a victim in my life to living my life, making conscious choices, and taking responsibility for myself. i probably feel the most in control of my life than i ever remember feeling since i was a kid. i've been working towards this moment since i was 7. while i know the work is not complete nor it ever is...i just want to thank you. i'm truly working on creating abundance and acknowledging and accepting good things are happening to me, sometimes in ways, i've never fully known. cool.

love,
stargazer


dear me,

i'm really proud that you continue to take risks in your life. you've always done this for yourself. continue to push yourself, take risks, and you will be amazed with what life will offer you. an ordinary life is an life not fully lived. live fully. never settle. your path is different. different is good. you deserve what your heart desires.

love,
me
hellcat
B.,
I never thought that in 2009 you'd come back and make me weak in the knees. When my knees are like this everything is off balance and, well, now my brain and heart are all mucked up too. Our NYE meetings was straight out of a movie for me. Our kisses roused so much passion in me I hadn't realised just how dead my 3 year relationship was. The day after I burried it. I ended things with him on the first day of this new year. Classy, hey? I can honestly say that the break-up was not for you, maybe because of you but not for. You won't consider this and it'll all go to you head. I hate a lot of things about you but I have also loved you for 11 years and that has to mean something. I'm hopeless and wish I wouldn't care so much. You are now a man and sometimes I get lost in our memories of when we were 16 and kissing in the rain. Kiss me in the rain.
Our young love was all about kissing and I miss it. I miss you but I'm relieved you are living so far away because if this temptation was local I'd make a mess of this in a matter of seconds.

I still want to know the what if...what if B? It could be freakin' electric and you know it.

-hc
zoya
dear you -

This is definitely a letter I'll never send, the only time I've even uttered this is the night I got drunk and said some of this, very sloppily, and although you say you understood I was just drunk and my emotions got away with me, I still regret it. But I need to vent.

Anyway. You know, I'm really fucking pissed. There was nothing wrong. Nothing. Things were moving forward in a really nice way and were becoming more consistent. I wasn't wondering anymore, and was getting comfortable with your patterns & communication. And then nada. I realize that you have stuff that won't even allow you to move forward, but Jesus - instead of dropping off the face of the earth, you could have talked to me a little earlier. You know, one of my friends said once "it's like, not only do you get broken up with, you have to break up with yourself as well. you're the one that has to make yourself not call him. You're the one who has to decide not to go where he goes. while he just goes and does his thing that he decided was going to happen." In the weeks that you were doing your own thing, out drinking with the boys, rehearsing with your band, working at your new cool job, kicking it at your house watching movies, etc.. I - even though I was doing my stuff - was left to fucking wonder what the fuck was going on, not chase you, and wonder when I'd hear from you again. And during that time, you'd already decided what was going to happen. Do I get a say? no. and there is nothing I can do about it. It's indeed true what I said - if two people can't, for whatever reason, mutually move forward, then you can't really go on. it would just be selfish to. So yes, I suppose there is no other thing to happen than this. I see that you can't or don't want to move forward for a number of reasons. But it would have been good for us to be on the same page earlier, even if it was you saying you needed some time to think. Instead, I get to be the girl sitting here while you are judge, jury, and executioner. Oh, and one other thing - I find it pretty fucked that you've never referred to us as a couple before - until you were breaking it off. Referring to us as a couple peppered your whole conversation. Do you realize that? I've never even referred to us as a couple, because I was doing what we talked about - getting to know you, spending time, moving forward. You are the one that brought up that people see us together and consider us a couple - well no shit, sherlock. You are the one that would kiss me in public. You are the one that would come sit by me. You are the one that would come get me and ask if I was ready to leave with you. You are the one that would ask me over for dinner or come help me cook when I had dinner parties. YOU STARTED THIS.

I miss hanging out with you and I miss the not over thinking and just doing it. I can't change anything, I know - but don't think I can be your friend. Not right now. We barely knew each other when we started this, and I've come to really enjoy you as a person, and get a lot from you. But I can't just sit back right now and pretend I feel ok about this. I always said you couldn't have your cake and eat it to, and right now, I don't want to give you even a crumb.

Based on my past experiences, I'm sure that we'll talk about this someday, and you'll be in a place where we can really hash it out. But now - I'm fucking upset.

xo
zoya

ps - your fucking motorcycle helmet, some CDs, the plasticine I said you could have, and I think a pair of your socks are at my house. Come get them. Oh, and bring the necklace I left at yours while you're at it.

ETA - and my Watchmen book that I let you read before I'd even cracked it open.
culturehandy
Dear me!

Well, you've made it through all of yesterday and this morning without texting or calling him! Keep it up, you can do this. If you can make it through today and tomorrow morning, all will be well. Stay strong, walking away without closure totally sucks, but look what happened the last time you wanted closure, uhhhh, you remember tha shit. Congratulations dearie, you can kick it.

Self.

sassygrrl


Universe,

Let the experience in. Compared to where I was three years ago, my life is a lot better. Yes, I have an internship, and it's technically not a "job." This could always lead to other connections or paths. Reveal in it. One step at a time...

sassy

Me,
Just take care of yourself right now. Stop this not eating bullshit. It could lead to a seizure, and you don't want that. Also, do more yoga/cardio. I know your self esteem was knocked down when you went shopping. God should have invented three way mirrors. Just keep taking some risks each day, and continue to hold your head high and strong. You have always been a fighter. Don't lose that spirit.

Love, Me

Mcgeek,
I love you. I get that just preparing for graduate school is getting on your nerves. I will support you, and I'm sorry you failed your practice test. I'm just sick of the whining. Just study! I sure as hell can't help you in linear alegbra. Oh yeah, I know you now want to head to UGA/Tech. Go. It concerns me about our relationship, but maybe we need to talk more. Perhaps I should just finally move. Sex would be nice too. I know it rarely ever crosses your mind, but c'mon man. Help me out here!

Sassy

John,

I love you. I'm so happy you're my best friend.



flanker_ji
Hey B,

Can you beleive what a beautiful day it was today?? Please call me when you're having people over, 'cause I think the only way I can get up the nerve to find out for sure if you feel the way about me that I do about you is in person. I thought I could send you a myspace message, but it turns out I need to find out as soon as the words come out of my mouth, face to face.

Can I just say how ridiculous it is that you've never called me to invite me over to your house yourself? I always come over when I'm free! It's about as ridiculous as me not even being able to tell you that you should feel free to call me anytime. On the love front, we're either going to understand each other perfectly, or be so crippled that we can't make it happen between us. Strangely, I have a lot of faith that it'll be the former, that we just have to respect the fact that we aren't going to wander the most worn path to romance. I feel really lucky that I have friends that understand me and are totally on board with me doing what I need to do here, so I don't feel like such a freak.

Damn I wish this love stuff got easier over time. And yet, I've never felt more at peace with who I am when I'm loving someone new.

Reaching out and touching you, but not really,
J


Dear N,

I'm sorry if it stung to actually hear me say the words, but you knew this, right?? I do wish the conversation hadn't happened now, when you're so emotionally shot. Still, maybe it was for the best. It's really not about your sexual worthiness. Don't forget, WE LIVE TOGETHER. We'd have to see each other and share our shit everyday once things went south. And I'm pretty damn sure they would at some point.

Akwardly,
Your housemate


Dear bedroom,

You are a disaster of epic proportions. Please let me know when you've learned to pick up after me. My birthday's coming up in a few months...

Thanks!
Your occupant


Dear self,

WTF?? Go to bed! Think of the children!

Love,
Me

P.S. Your hair looks amazing right now!! It's almost a crime to sleep on it!
rogue
A,

I keep dreaming that you've died or that you are in some horrible, ridiculous pain. I wake up sweating, confused, & worried. For so long you and I have been adversaries and the truth is – the truth is – that a part of me loves you so much I can’t stand it. I only wish that a part of you could feel the same about me. I’ve had dreams come true and these ones had better not for I would not be able to bear it.

Lovingly (a surprise, I am sure),
-R.
roseviolet
Dear cat,
What the fuck?!? Why the hell did you take a crap on the living room carpet?! You NEVER make a mess outside of your box. What is wrong? You don't seem sick or anything. You just seemed really freaked out this morning. Is it because the lid to your litter box wasn't perfectly secured or something? I don't get it. I just hope you don't do it again because our house guests arrive in less than 24 hours.


Dear self,
Stop reading stuff on-line. Get up & finish cleaning. You have far too much to do today to be sitting around on your ass like this.

Dear BestPals,
I'm so glad that you're really looking forward to going to Trader Joe's after our plane lands tomorrow. I seriously don't think I'll have time to stop by there today. Sigh.
hellcat
Dear self,

Stop checking you email so often. It'll happen.

Signed your fine self.
lilacwine13
Dear self,
Calm down. If you are meant to get those jobs, you will get them. In the meantime, stop procrastinating and send out some more resumes. Yes, you are qualified, doubt will get you nowhere.

--me
konphusion26
QUOTE(lilacwine13 @ Jan 15 2009, 09:39 PM) *
Dear self,
Calm down. If you are meant to get those jobs, you will get them. In the meantime, stop procrastinating and send out some more resumes. Yes, you are qualified, doubt will get you nowhere.

--me



DITTO!
neurotic.nelly
QUOTE(stargazer @ Jan 11 2009, 08:58 PM) *
dear universe,

i know i've questioned you in the past. but, you know what? i feel really good about myself right now. i've realized that the past 5 years was the leveling out of things in my life. i had to go through the good, the bad, and the ugly to get where i am at today. i had to experience the mourning of a past life, a past self that was not working for me. i'm moving from being a victim in my life to living my life, making conscious choices, and taking responsibility for myself. i probably feel the most in control of my life than i ever remember feeling since i was a kid. i've been working towards this moment since i was 7. while i know the work is not complete nor it ever is...i just want to thank you. i'm truly working on creating abundance and acknowledging and accepting good things are happening to me, sometimes in ways, i've never fully known. cool.

love,
stargazer
dear me,

i'm really proud that you continue to take risks in your life. you've always done this for yourself. continue to push yourself, take risks, and you will be amazed with what life will offer you. an ordinary life is an life not fully lived. live fully. never settle. your path is different. different is good. you deserve what your heart desires.

love,
me


GO STAR GO! You so deserve it, all that your heart desires! I've got such a girl crush on you after this!
girltrouble
blondie:

yeah, i learned a lot, but i really don't appreciate the lectures, and when i make an appointment to get my hair done, i'd like it done, not told i need to learn to use hair pins. thank you, but you suck.

-gt

dear life....

stank you very much. always got another shoe to drop, haven't you? you're telegraphing this one, and i can see it's only a matter of time before this whole house of cards is gonna come down around my ears. and yes, i do admire your hitchcockian sense of suspense, and the slow pace of your turning screws. i've been on this razor's edge for so long, i don't know any different. i'd say fuck you, but lord knows what otherways you could come up with to bend me over. go ahead. drop that hammer, i'll cross my fingers, but if i survive, can that be it? can we just call it even?

please?

pretty please?

pretty please with sugar on top?

-gt
stargazer
thanks nelly! wub.gif
zoya
Dear you -

where are you going to find another girl who loves the taste of your cum as much as I do? ... and who quotes Blade Runner, too?

yeah.
me.


Dear wine -

thank you for letting me share you with bunnyb and mornington. And thanks for tasting so good with the sausage and cheese.

xoxoxo
zoya


anarch
QUOTE(neurotic.nelly @ Jan 16 2009, 02:31 AM) *
GO STAR GO! You so deserve it, all that your heart desires! I've got such a girl crush on you after this!



Hear, hear!



Dear universe,

please please let the decolonization process that I'm about to start work, please let the homeopath's remedy work, please arrange my immune system so I don't have to deal with chronic staph abscesses and boils ever again or at least not for a few decades, please I don't want a repeat of the crushing disappointment of discovering new abscesses after being free of the fuckers for 3 weeks. Please. I would like to feel sexy again, to have sex again, to cuddle again, to be able to use my climbing harness without pain. Please please please?

Also please let the house be ready for us to move in at the end of Jan, because I became nearly unhinged last week when the new abscesses showed up + the furnace problem delayed the flooring guys. I have to get the fuck out of here.

(Also, after all that, if you're feeling really generous, I'd really like it if you could just clear off major shitty things from my karma for the next year or so so I can actually get seriously to work on that poor neglected thesis of mine and finish it, please? It would help the world become a better place, really it would, if I can only direct most of my energy towards the hard work of wrestling these ideas down into coherence, and not towards the craptastic things that have been demanding it for the past 5 years.)
mouse
dear boots,

this may be the hardest thing i've ever done. but i have to get out. i can't be what you want me to be for you. i'm scared shitless of what you may do in response but i can't keep being your crutch, i can't keep having you call me 4 times a day and send me frantic obsessive text messages. i can't keep letting you suck me dry and infuriate me and keep just living your sad little cycle, i can't keep listening to you say "this time it's different, i can feel it, things are going to change, no really, this time feels different" every few weeks while nothing. ever. changes. i don't know if i'm helping you or if i'm hindering you but i know that it is not good for ME, and i know that you do not have my best interests at heart. i know that you are in deep denial about how bad things are, and i know that your family is in even deeper. i wish that wasn't the case. i wish i could tell them, but if they don't know by now, they won't ever. they don't want to know. and that kills me, but there is nothing i can do about it. i wish that there was. but i live across the continent from you and even if i didn't, you're too scared to even see me. i can't continue being this really fucked-up lifeline for you. it's not healthy and it's so so sad and it's kind of a little scary, like if you had the wherewithal to get out of your house and get on a plane (which, thank god just for this situation, i'm grateful you don't) i might wake up to find you standing over my bed. i still don't know why your mother had a restraining order against you and i don't want to find out. i also don't want to find myself in that situation with you.

but jesus fucking christ i am going to miss you. i am going to miss your silliness and your terrible awful dirtiness and your laugh and your stories, you always told me stories, they just used to be more innocent. about kites and gardens and (oh fuck now i'm crying) and pillows and birds and hot air balloons--i wish you were still that boy, i wish you still had that hope. i wish your stories weren't now all full of pent up frustration and resentment. what happened to you? could i have stopped it? would i have, if you hadn't let me go all those years ago? what if you hadn't....how would things have gone? would you be okay, now? would i? what happened to that boy...who ran around in trexler park with me flying a kite we bought in the toystore and eating ice cream in the woods and driving around with the windows down listening to the magnetic fields, or neutral milk hotel or cat power or any of the other bands you introduced me to--that music CHANGED MY LIFE, do you understand? i miss you, i miss you, i loved you so much. i loved you more than i've ever loved anyone because you were the first person i ever loved. but it doesn't exist anymore. i still care about you--i will always care about you, and wonder how you are doing, and hope you aren't terrible. but you've been terrible for the past four years...will it ever change? will your fucking braindead asshole family wake up and see that you NEED them, really need them, not just their money?

and now i feel so guilty because i know you need me too, but i don't know what to do. i have this stern letter waiting in my email drafts to send to you...but i can't send it. it feels so harsh and i feel like i would regret it.

maybe...maybe we could return to how things used to be. maybe if i just wrote you letters--real letters--it would be okay. that's a good distance and a good amount of time in between each one. and it's hard to get into arguments in real letters. i'm going to suggest this to you. i think it is a good idea. i think i just had a good idea, while writing this, to do this.

i love you, i want to help you, but i can't be drained. i don't think letters would be draining. i hope not.
i'm going to go write you for real right now. letters! i will try it. it may work.

lov, awr
doodlebug
dear goddess/universe/whatever,

okay, i believe.

and i suppose on some level, i must have always believed, otherwise how would i have gotten here? there's no way this life could have happened to me if i didn't, deep down, believe it was going to happen.

i mean, it's all coordinated itself so beautifully, so perfectly, that i could almost feel like i am living inside a novel. but i say "almost," because it's not like that for me anymore. i no longer feel like my life is some kind of fictional thing i am observing. it finally feels real. it all feels real.

d.
mouse
dear boots,

okay, now i DON'T feel so bad. for chrissakes stop whining--if you want to stay in touch with me, then WRITE ME A FUCKING LETTER. it's NOT THAT HARD. if you don't want to, then don't. but don't act like i broke your heart when i'm just changing mediums. for chrissakes.

-awr
sassygrrl
Work,

I'm just trying to get thru the end of the month. L, thanks for your kind words. Please just chill out people. I understand the fund part of fundraiser, but it's annoying when everyone takes their frustrations out of me.

Dear self,

I'm so proud of you this last few months. Just don't get cocky. How great that you finally picked a major for grad school!!? Just take care of yourself. Be proud of where you came from, and how far you have gone. The job is temporary, but you're networking.

President Politics Gods,
Please let Obama be a good president! I'm so fucking sick of the idiot we have had the last 8 years.

Mcgeek,

I'm still pissed about Europe. You don't understand how important my bday is to me. Yes, it's just a day to you. To my family it means a whole lot. Plus, just some caring would be great right now. I'm still so unsure about us. We're almost engaged, and it shouldn't be this hard yet.

((everybody))


sybarite
Dear you,

It is very hard to know what to believe. You have been in better form and been more helpful lately, and we thought you were happier. Then we hear this.

Understand that it is very hard for us to take you seriously. We don't have time or energy to have fruitless non-conversations with you in which you tell us nothing. I see you may want more attention in your life but being indirect and evasive is not the way to get it. Instead you start to lose respect from people.

You are a good person, smart and compassionate, but you are driving people away. Tell us what is up, or if there's nothing and you're playing for attention again, you've just ensured we take you even less seriously in the future. You need to stop crying wolf.

Sincerely, Me


Dear audit,

Aren't you done yet?

Signed, weary


Dear thesis chapter,

See you later tonight!

Sincerely, Me
culturehandy
Dear you,

Do not call him. DO NOT CALL HIM.

Self
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