Apr 12 2009, 06:21 PM
I know you're my shrink & all, but we've already established that if you weren't, we'd be friends & right now w/ your health I'm really worried about you.
I wish there were more I could do besides listen to you when we had a minute to catch up the other day.
and I also wish that nasty A didn't treat me like a damn stalker-patient when she confirms or cancels appts & I ask about you.
anyway, am here in a non-patienty way for whatever you need, even if it's only to make you
your regular mon @ 6
mr: you're gone again & am missing you & didn't get a chance to tell you before you left.. I loved falling asleep face to face in each other arms last night. we never ever do that bc I'm such a sleep loner needing my space at night but last night was loverly.
please be safe & call me when you get in,
your lonesomey BabyDollzzzzz
gt: 2 words : Fake Owls.
Apr 13 2009, 01:44 AM
thanks for the suggestion, freck, but the pigeon love den is situated in a place where i can't secure anything. no fake owls, no anti bird spikes, nothing... atleast not without about a days work-- i'd have to take out my air conditioner and the contraption i concocted to secure it, the half window, insulation, and so on. it's just too much work until i absolutely have to....
Apr 13 2009, 09:07 AM
Dear Can of Worms,
Ever since I discovered you at my aunt's house, I haven't been able to get you out of my head. I'm curious about the truth, so I think I'm going to open you today. I will attempt to do it delicately. Here's hoping that Mom and Dad are understanding.
Apr 13 2009, 08:36 PM
It's okay. It's all going to be okay. You just have to keep trusting yourself. Trust yourself and what you know to feel right. You can feel it in your bones, in your heart of hearts. It's a flip in your belly. It makes your blood tingle. It's a tension in the back of the spine, a tremble in your knees. It's a whole body reaction, instinct. Trust in your instinct.
It's going to be alright. You know. You know what no one else knows.
You are the creator of your life. This is all happening for a reason. Now you have to trust yourself. Trust in the choices you've made. You are going in the right direction. Can you imagine a creator choosing a wrong direction?
Apr 13 2009, 11:55 PM
Read doodlebug's letter and apply it to your situation.
Dear job gods,
You have a very interesting sense of humor. Little did I know that I bring luck to my friends' endeavors but not my own (seriously, everyone I visited--or even made plans to visit--got on projects within a week or two of the visit). Now how about sending something my way, hm? I'll throw in a six pack for your troubles.
Dear unemployed busties,
Any of you want a guest for a couple days? I can cook, clean, do minor household repairs and guarantee a job for you within two weeks of my departure.
Apr 14 2009, 12:29 AM
Apr 17 2009, 09:58 AM
I don't know what to do at this point. I can't get in contact with you. I've tried stopping by your place but you never seem to be home. I know that your phone is fucked but geez, can't you at least make an effort to reach me? And yet I know I told you that I would be busy around this time so I almost feel like it's my fault. I tell you I'm busy but I expect you to still get in touch with me. Maybe I'm just being stupid. I don't know. I'm not used to relationships. I spent almost the last 4 years on my own. I love you but it hurts so much feeling like you don't care or that maybe you do care but you're totally aloof about everything. I don't know what to do anymore.
Apr 17 2009, 10:37 AM
how is it that i still miss you? more than 10 years on and i still feel like there is some ghost of me wandering these city streets, looking for you. i still feel like there was this huge part of me that just belonged with you. today i was going thru some of my things, you know how i am with regret, or do you? i think that came after i broke up with you. i mean i've always held on to things, the notes, and letters, but now it's those feelings that i hoard and carry around like a stone. anyways, found that calender T&K made, there were pictures of all your friends, they were all so funny-- i remember when s looked at it. he commented to one of my other friends, that i was "hanging out with the beautiful people." that always sounded so funny, cos they dressed in quentessential grunge-- ill fitting thrift store finds, that they altered to give them character. even you, oversized overalls, cut to shorts, and cuffed matched with blundstones. but, there was something so continental about how you did it, how you did everything, how you rolled your cigarette, your occasional french phrases, and how you put up your hair. how you showed me how to decode the language of theory, showed me how to write...
wanna hear something funny? i still have the note you gave me to find your place. you remember it? where i needed to ring the bell for the bus, and the little star you drew for your little carriage house? i always expected it to slide down the hill everytime a semi drove by, or we closed the door to go grab a drink. barely the size of a two car garage, but i loved it. we loved it. it seemed to perfectly you. god, that view. seattle laid out there, and this fantastic bird's eye view. that's how you made me feel, you taught me so much, showed me so much... you don't know how in awe i was of you. i remember laying in bed in your loft, eating an apple, putting the sticker on the ceiling with all of yours. your snaggle tooth, and how it made your smile all the more charming to me. i loved --love-- looking at you in pictures, even now you still seem better than any dream, and girl i could imagine. your cheeks, and their curves, the black cloud of your hair. while all your friends are mugging, clowning for the camera, you're the director of activities on the cruise. you've got it all in hand, popping in to make that comment to make everyone bust up, or to ignite that debate. god you were stellar.
i wish i could have taken you on this journey, or better yet, that i never needed to take it. i wonder what it'd be like if i weren't so
haunted cursed by this need to figure out who i am for good or for ill... most times i think ill. this is not an easy life, not for me. back then, as much as now, i am slowed by my guilt. part of the thing with you is that i never gave you enough credit. i never gave you the opportunity to see if you loved me enough to see me thru this. but then, that's part of the reason i broke up with you. i hated that i couldn't just be. i couldn't just be the guy that you met, that you loved. i didn't think it was fair to make you deal with my shit in a way that i felt would have humiliated you in front of your friends. i knew enough about what i did share about myself to know you would have a hard time with the rest, and i loved you too much to put you thru it. i broke up with you because i didn't want to hurt you. instead i made a mess of it, and fucked up a couple of other people's lives in the bargain.
i've been so very lucky. i've fallen in love a couple of times since you. with women i loved very much. one of them i loved enough to share all of me with in a way i couldn't with you. but, each time it ends the same way, like it did with you. this horrible, horrible need to feel like me someday, just this weary gypsy feeling, wanting to rest my bones, but the second i do, the pull of that phantom me calls, and no matter how happy i am, i am drawn into the same misery.
how funny that i kept this calendar. i never really took many pictures, and these were some of my last as a boy, and the funny thing looking at them now is i see how very happy i was then. perhaps this is my perdition, my penance, my purgatory to drag myself from place to place, never really resting, never really feeling i've reached my destination. maybe this is my price to pay for how i ended things with you. i almost fell apart when i got to october. it's not the group shots that they had for most of the months, this one is just you and i. i'm sitting down on the sidewalk in a t-shirt you bought me, a beard, and ferning dredlocks to my shoulders. you're behind me, one arm wrapped around me, a beer in your free hand. you're looking off smiling at your friends, while i'm looking at the camera, or more accurately today, looking at me, as if to say, what more could you want?
i'm not sure which is worse:knowing what wanting more would bring, or knowing how much i was better off without. you'll never know how sorry i am about they way things ended. i know i hurt you, i only hope the wounds i've caused you aren't as deep or as crippling as the ones i've given myself.
lady universe/ god/dess,
i'm an idiot, i know. i have to wait till i've got third degree burns before i take my hand off the stove, but i am trying. tell me it's not to late, please? i've done most of those things and today i will finish. show me i am headed in the right direction.
Apr 17 2009, 01:52 PM
lady universe / god/dess:
so was that the first salvo of you spitting in my face? do i have 1 or 2 more coming or is this just gonna be another one of your constant streams?
Apr 17 2009, 03:22 PM
This self work has really been a gift for me. It has been tough since I'm only in week 1 of the work, but I am noticing subtle shifts in me already. I feel I have a more mature approach to my relationships right now. There is no happy endings. There are a lot of happy moments each to be experienced. Happy endings imply that there is only one outcome. It is black and white thinking. If you stay present in the moment and appreciate the happy moments that occur along the journey, there is less room for disappointment. The goal isn’t attainment. It is allowing oneself to feel in the moment, let it pass, and be ready for the next moment. It is important for me to treat my relationships with compassion and understanding.
That makes me feel good. I think I'm starting to get it. I'm slow on the uptake sometimes.
Apr 17 2009, 07:32 PM
Well, that solves that one. Now could you please help me with the other issue? I know I'm not in any place to be there, but some clarity would be great. Things are about as clear as mud. It's hard. Really, really hard.
Apr 18 2009, 10:41 AM
Well, here we are again.
After our talk yesterday I see what else is going on and why you aren't in a place to be with anyone on an emotional level. I now understand.
You asked me yesterday if I was so sure that I'd end up heart broken, why am I waiting around? Well, as I told you, I am waiting for you, but I'm not putting my life on hold for you. If I meet someone who I connect and bond with before you are ready, then I will follow that, but if I've yet to meet anyone when you are ready and you come to me, then I'll follow through with that. The other reason I'm waiting is because I need to find out where things will go. I'd would rather find out no, then find out I had my chance but lost it.
A part of me is a little jealous of her, I'd like you to want me that way, but then the logical side of me kicks in and I see that we do have that, in a sense, but you also respect me and care for me a great deal and we have such a solid relationship. I wouldn't trade that. I also know that what we have, the ones chasing you want. It's a trade off. But I do know that we love each other, not so much a romantic love, but a love among close friends.
We have the benefits of being in a relationship, but we're not.
As I told you previously, this is throwing me for a bit of a loop and I am scared. I'm scared of where this is going, I know we'll always have something, but this unknown, as with any unknown, is daunting.
The things I'm doing, like stopping by with food or whatnot, I'm not doing it to woo you, I'm doing it because I know that you are working hard, and because we are similar, and I know how you are, you'll just keep on going, forgetting about yourself, so call me the voice of reason in this situation.
You know I care about you a great deal, but is this genuine? I think that because you have been there for me during times of great crisis and some instability, that it seems natural that this has happened. I do think it's genuine, but I can keep things in check.
What we have as a friendship is what I want in a relationship but I also know that where we are is something that has evolved as such, something that has grown. It's not something that could be duplicated, nor is it something that could happen quickly with another person. What we have is unique, but also so wonderful. I adore it.
Do I miss you when you're not around? Well, yes. You've grown into something so important in my life. I wouldn't trade this in for the world. I really wouldn't. Would I like more? Yes I would, but when I'm ready, when things have settled down in my life and my head. As much as I would like things to grow into more, right now is not the right time. Not for you, not for anyone. If we were to be together, I know that the focus would not be on us, it would be on dealing with what's going on with you and me, not focusing on us. I know that I need to grown personally first, as well as deal with the other things going on.
If things are meant to be, they'll be. Things will evolve. Best friends make the best lovers, right.
Truthfully, I do think that we are a really amazing match. You also make me very happy and you are one of the few who can calm me down when I'm having my issue du jour. When I'm with you, you help me think rationally, you bring me back to a sane level.
I do fear that things will go back to how there were in the summer, it's not the feelings I fear but this would devastate me. Further, anything like this going on while I have my work issues going on is not a combination I can emotionally deal with at this time. It would be the final nail in the coffin.
I also sent you a link to this, whether you read it or not is your decision. It's easier for me to put things in writing after sorting through my head. You know I talk about things when I'm ready.
I'd love to know what you really think of me. but obviously it's not all bad given how close we are. You'll tell me these things when you are ready, in time. Yesterday you told me you just couldn't acknowledge where things were at. I understand.
Please be patient with me, this to will pass. Maybe. Or maybe you'll be the one who always got away. Or maybe we'll just be friends forever, which is fine. I'd rather have you around, then not. Or maybe this whole thing is nothing more than a giant fuck you H from the universe. I don't know. I'm trying not to think about it too much because I'm toeing the line here. At this point, things could go either way, but I've learned not to fight things sometimes, because it comes back ten fold.
Just remember me.
I know I'll always love you in some capacity. I find it comforting. I am happy that we have what we have. I also thank you for always being there.
Apr 18 2009, 12:57 PM
Woman without a name,
I've been thinking a lot about family lately. I guess that's expected, seeing as I saw a lot of my mother's family recently for the first time in 6 years. But normally when I think of family, I never think of you. And I guess I shouldn't. So why are you popping into my head now? Why am I feeling more curious about you, a deeper longing to discover your name?
The funny thing is I told myself that the name would be enough. I thought I didn't need to know family history or anything. I definitely didn't need you to know I exist. I told myself I didn't want any connection to you at all. But when I heard from Mom that there was no chance - that the records had been locked in an unusually tight way - it wasn't just the loss of a name that made me sad. It was the loss of a history, the loss of a connection.
I don't look much like my mother, but I see a lot of my dad in me - my pale skin, the shape of my lips, the texture of my hair. Even my nose must certainly come from his DNA. But where did he get it? What does his biological family look like? What do you look like? Do I look like you? Like your sister? Sometimes I gaze in the mirror and I wonder if someone else's face is looking back at me ... someone who carries a last name that might have been mine, but that I'll never know.
I won't disturb the waters. I can't. Dad tried to find you & discovered that the search was pointless. Whoever you are, you went far out of your way to make sure we would never ever find you & the records would remain sealed forever. And that's okay. That's your right. I respect your right to choose to move on with your life.
It's just so strange to think that, to some person out there in the universe, I am an integral part of their greatest shame, their biggest secret. We - my father, my brothers, and I - are the black sheep of a family that we'll never know. It's an odd thought. A curious one. But strangely enough, not a heart-breaking one. It hurts a tiny bit, but it's something I can endure. If my parents have taught me anything, it's that family is about a hell of a lot more than blood and that names don't make a family; love does.
I know this will sound strange considering who is saying it, but ... well, I'm sorry you had to suffer through an unplanned pregnancy. I'm sure it was a very difficult time for you. If you're still alive, I imagine you think of it sometimes & wonder. I hope in time the bitterness and pain of that time have faded. Wherever you are, I hope in your heart you know that it all turned out okay in the end.
Apr 18 2009, 03:32 PM
rosev, what a beautiful letter.
Buckle down. When Bear calls you and invites you out, you don't have to accept. You don't have to go running to wherever he is.
You wanted to get a bunch of household stuff done and find an area rug. You accomplished NONE of the above, because you said "yes" to meeting Bear out for Bloody Marys.
He's fun, I know it. But, you need to give yourself an hour or so of "getting shit together" time. Remember this letter next Saturday.
I don't know what to think about what you told me. There is a part of me that is a little crushed. And there is a part of me that is honored that you told me. You were always my hero. I thought you were rich, smart, classy, educated, creative, independent, in ways I couldn't ever attain....everything I wanted to be, but didn't think I was capable of.
But now I find out that you're just a human being with her own flaws...I love you. It's a shift for me. I guess it's time for me to see myself as your peer.
But it is so very sad for me to see just how hard things are for you.
I hope only the best for you...
Your daughter wanna be,
Apr 18 2009, 07:36 PM
Apr 19 2009, 07:18 PM
Stop again when you see me walking. This time, roll down your goddamned window. Whore.
Apr 19 2009, 08:52 PM
i'm with tree, rose... beautiful letter, and you always amaze me <3
Apr 20 2009, 02:25 PM
I now know that I am crazy bonkers bananas about you.
I think you are so amazing and wonderful. I think we are a fabulous match as friends, and I think we'd be even better as lovers. I really do. I think we'd have lasting power.
I am more able to cope with this situation this time around, or so I think. Better than last year, that's for sure.
When I'm with you I'm happy. I feel safe, I feel like there is nothing wrong in the world. I get wrapped up in you. You bring out amazing things in me.
I just wish I knew if you felt the same way. I wish I knew there were feelings. There are so many things I wished you would tell me.
I adore you.
If you are reading this, then please read the initial letter I sent.
Apr 21 2009, 08:30 AM
What were you thinking? I know you were upset but you are not a smoker. An occasional cigarette when drinking is about it but nooooo, last night you just kept on going and going practically as a way to pass the time. And now you feel sick because your body isn't used to it. Fuck, how do people even smoke a pack a day? Just get outside and get some fresh air into those poor little lungs of yours.
Really? Really?! You're all going on strike. Well that's just fucking brilliant. Did it ever occur to you that maybe in this economy and in that horrible shithole that is losing its industry that maybe you should be fucking thankful to even have a job? Geez louise! I have never in my life known of another city that has had so many strikes. Every time I turn around some union down there is going on strike and it's always about wanting more money and more benefits for half-assing it at your cushy job. I won't say that my new city doesn't have its fair share of problems but fuck, am I ever glad I got out of that sad little lunchbox town.
Apr 21 2009, 01:08 PM
dear universe -
what? I figured as much. but still.
I just don't want to feel any more. ok?
I. just. don't. want. to. feel.
I get it, ok. I get it. just please stop now.
Apr 21 2009, 01:53 PM
Apr 21 2009, 05:38 PM
(((((Zoya))))) Want me to send you some cheese? I have enough of it.
(((((CH))))) You can have some, too.
Apr 21 2009, 07:42 PM
What kind of cheese? I like cheese.
Apr 21 2009, 08:49 PM
I have enough Brillat-Savarin to constipate a horse.
Apr 21 2009, 10:27 PM
oooo! aural--can i have your constipated horse? i have no use for cheese.
i know where you're at.
Apr 22 2009, 01:54 AM
i haven't forgotten about you, i start writing you, and i get pissed off because i want to drink. so i'm waiting till i've got some wine in me, dammnit!
i love you all so much.
Apr 22 2009, 12:11 PM
The fuck are you gonna do with a constipated horse, GT?
Apr 22 2009, 02:14 PM
I think the universe is a stupid bitch whore.
I just want to be happy dammit!
Apr 22 2009, 02:50 PM
The fuck are you gonna do with a constipated horse, GT?
oh, just killing two birds with one stone:
1) i don't have a car, and a horse would be so much better than a bus,
2)there are a couple of people way out in the suburbs who have porches that need flaming bags of horse poop on them.
Apr 24 2009, 01:51 PM
Dear Universe -
1) I know that that thing I asked you for will happen. I am going to do my damndest to remember that it will at the right time, and not fight it or be upset that it's not happening on my time. I know it will, and it will be the right time, and all will be ok.
2) I still get it. honestly, you can stop now. Just give me a break so that I can have a breather where I can try to get in a place where I don't feel at all.
Dear Golf -
it was really fucking fun playing you for the first time yesterday. I think that I've finally found the thing that makes me have to switch my brain off for a good long time. I really needed that and I felt so zen after we were done, I want to play you again, even though I totally suck at you.
Apr 25 2009, 07:28 PM
I just want to apologize for the ENORMOUS mess I made today. That sure was a lot of trash that I dumped. I could have recycled, sorted, hell I could have just had a damn yard sale but I just lost patience and started to throw shit out. So, there you have it.
I am sure that as karmic payback you are going to rain on my wedding day or something. I earned it.
Apr 26 2009, 06:52 PM
thanks so much for wasting my entire afternoon. no, really. i didn't have anything better to do, like laundry or housework or making c-monkey work on her report some, because i thought "no point in starting that, t's going to be here any minute now!" i know you called my phone several times, which did a fat lot of good since it was at my house and i was here, but why didn't you just come over like i said to do about an hour before i expected you?! that flaky "oh, i thought you changed your mind when i couldn't get you on the phone again" is just a stupid bullshit excuse. if that was the case, i would have gone back for my phone and called you, and you know it. but i didn't go back for it because i was busy waiting for you here and didn't want us to miss each other. i was really looking forward to hanging out and helping you with your shit, but the moment (read: entire afternoon) has passed now, and i really wish i hadn't told you to go ahead and come by after dinner.
May 1 2009, 10:30 AM
Dear Universe -
dammit. what are you trying to tell me? ARE you trying to tell me something? shit.
please help me out here.
May 1 2009, 10:35 AM
Well, now that the first item of business has been sorted out, for which I am deeply greatful, do you think we could possibly deal with the second item? Really, the second item is bringing me down just as much as work was.
May 2 2009, 10:46 AM
Dear boss lady,
Please hire me. C'mon, you said I seemed really nice and I'm good at dealing with demanding people and even though the other applicant had barista experience I technically have some, too. It's just from 7 years ago. Lordy, I just want a job.
May 2 2009, 07:45 PM
I can't believe it's been twenty years since you died. Twenty whole years. And I never mourned, until today. I don't know why. Well, yes, I do. You died with Him. The guy who abused me. You were driving the motorcycle, and he was riding on the back. You guys were running from the cops.
BB, I wanted to go to your funeral. Not His. I hated Him. My mother pretty much cowed me into going to His funeral.
I will always remember when we were both twelve and you were trying to impress me and you dumped an entire can of chocolate syrup into a glass of milk. And then drank it without gagging.
And then three or four years later when my cousin came to visit me, we made arrangements to sneak out in the middle of the night and meet up at the park. You were a bad boy, even then, and I loved it.
That one night driving around, you scared the crap out of me. I loved it, I guess I had the same wild streak you did. You'd get the car going about 60, dry pavement, and do a doughnut. Most people do doughnuts on ice and going slower. I saw my life flash before my eyes when you did it on dry pavement at 60 MPH.
BB, I loved you. I miss you terribly. You lived fast, and you died young. And I still wonder how things would be if I had ended up with you instead of Him. Would I have stayed back there? I left because of Him.
You were my wild boy, and I look back and remember you and it makes me smile.
And now tonight, I am finally mourning you. Lighting a candle here, and hoping you are well, wherever you are. Like you always said, "heaven won't take me, and hell's afraid I'll take over!" I'm sure if you went to heaven, they are dealing with it, and if you went to hell, well...I don't believe in hell anyway.
Lots of love,
PS: Did you ever make use of that joint that your friend stuck into your pocket right before you were buried?
May 3 2009, 12:49 AM
May 3 2009, 08:43 AM
Dear 13 directors,
I know it's only been a week and I know you probably had to watch at least 150 people audition over those 2 days, but ... ummm ... I'd appreciate it if at least one of you contacted me. I know I'm asking for a lot. I'm asking you to remember my one little minute on-stage. I'm asking you to feel a little curious about what I have to offer, to acknowledge (or confirm the existence of) my talent. I know I can do good work for you. I just hope that at least one of you will eventually remember me and give me a chance.
May 3 2009, 10:35 AM
dear book -
I am going to write a proposal for you. I've been talking about it for over a year now, and I now feel like things have come to a head. It's what I HAVE to do to move forward in my life. You are the next thing for me. I just have this feeling that I can't truly move forward until I tackle you.
just help me and don't make it too terribly difficult.
May 3 2009, 12:58 PM
This payday you will exercise fiscal responsibility. With this new job you will bank more and not transfer in between accounts, you will not go bananas with your visa. Yes you have funds put away, but because of your spending habits, it's not exactly growing as so much being stagnant. 10% you can do this, if you stopped playing with your visa, all will be well.
and think of the cash you are going to save when you move to your new job. Yes you'll have to bus it (but lots of people do), with that comes savings on a bus pass (which as an added bonus is also tax deductible!!) and you'll be saving money on gas (woohoo! more money to bank) and you'll be saving the $44.00 a month on parking, since spending $165 a month is rediculous. And you're getting a raise. yes there are people on worse shape than you, and apparently dadster was in worse shape than you when he was your age, and look where he went.
I know it's a rough time and you're still dealing with instant gratification issues, but if you can get over your other instant gratification, you CAN do this. Welcome to adulthood.
May 4 2009, 09:03 PM
=== update ====
for those who have been around awhile, and might remember the Fake Daughter I used to write about who was frecklette's bff?
things ended after I called DSS bc the dad was neglecting her & I was honestly trying to help but he got furious & up & moved her away & married his girlfriend who already had 3 kids of her own.
aside from a few short emails the last year or 2 (mostly forward's at that) to frecklette, we've had no contact & had more or less assumed that was how it was going to be, although we still talk about her often.
frecklette got an actual Email from her on monday w/ her cell # & to call after 7 and things are cool!
or ok not great, bc I guess her dad wants an apology from me (which freck jr told her "um, no way. will never happen.") but hell yes!
I'll apologise to him.
I'll even apologise to his new wife (who is treating poor T not unlike the stereotypical step-daughter & making her do all the cooking & cleaning & watching of other kids) - whatever it takes to get her back, even if only for a little while. they are moving yet again (her dad doesn't keep jobs for more than a year or 2 & then moves on) but this time farther away so it might be our last chance to see her.
... my heart is so conflicted!!
I honestly love this child like she is my own, and to hear her say " I bet I could show up on your door at 2:00 in the morning & you'd be glad to see me." - oh! I told her I'd grab her in the biggest hug & we'd have a party right then & there.
this little girl needs a Mama in the Worst Way. not a care-giver. or boss. (as it seems she is treated at home) but a M A M A. someone to take-care-of-Her and tuck her in at night & smooth her hair back as she's falling asleep & fuss at her to clean her room but then not get really mad if she doesn't...
Busty Sisters this is so hard!!
I don't just want to have her over here for a few hours (if we're lucky enough to get that), I want to KEEP HER.
- does anyone know anything about Youth Emancipation?
I never should have let her go before. I should have hidden her at my folks house out of state like they offered.
frecklette & I both agree that it's not cooincidence that she is back in our lives.
the question is: what am I going to do about it this time?
I need guidance here Busties, even if it's telling me to mind my own business & take what is offered with gratitude.
God/gracious loving powers of the universe~
please, tell me what to do and how to do it.
as much as I know, she is not being physically abused, so what other grounds do I have?
is she meant to be ours? even with all the stuff I have going on, my heart still bleeds with love for her, you know that. I feel her reaching and straining for me as I do for her.
help me show restraint & give me tact for my tounge as I speak to her father so I don't blow it before it even starts again.
awaiting your directive,
I'm here. as I've always been here.
I do love you & am so glad for the chance to finally say so in the phone tonight.
regardless of what happens, you have a home with us always.
hugs & smooches,
May 4 2009, 11:15 PM
oh freck, you are so sweet, mama hen.
i don't know about youth emancipation, but i think if anything it might be helpful, when you apologize to do it with the explanation of how much you love her. i would talk about some of the things that you said below-- the tucking in, the hair smoothing, and how you'd do anything for her. perhaps if you talked to him about her. but i would be very very careful about broaching the subject of making her your very own....
...and you might want to talk to your hubby.
i don't think you should have to apologize, but i agree with your wanting to do it if only to have her back in your life. good luck! you know i'm pulling for you.
May 5 2009, 09:07 AM
Dear Universe -
fuck. you've really thrown me a curveball. thing is, for once, that curveball is me. Not some guy, not some job, but me. I guess that's good, right? How am I gonna weather this year? What is in store for me? The only thing I do know is that this year is going to be transitional and I'm gonna be somewhere completely different (be it physically or emotionally or both) at the end of it. I'm not gonna fuck around, though. This is my shot. I'm on the cusp of totally changing everything. I can feel it.
Dear Zoya -
do NOT fuck around with your time this year. Make or break. You can do it. It's all within your grasp. You don't even know what *it* is, but you feel it there. Get it.
May 5 2009, 09:32 PM
I am a musician. That's who I am. I take my guitar to work, stuff it under my desk, and use my breaks to practice in the park, away from the cliques.
I will continue to let my boss know that I won't rise to her manipulation. I will not participate in the gossip. I will not strive to move up the corporate fucking ladder. I will do my job, I will do it well, and I damned well WILL leave it behind me at 5:00 on Friday. Fuck them.
I am a musician. That's who I am.
May 7 2009, 06:57 PM
re-read your last letter to yourself. stay focused. make a plan. you can do this, and it will feel so good to get it all done. you can.
dear C -
I didn't google it - honestly! It was completely weird and synchronicitous that I had just been talking about that exact, completely off the wall, topic with our geeky IT guy the day prior. It was really fucking weird that you brought them up the next day - I couldn't help my smartass little self!
Dear you -
May 8 2009, 12:46 AM
universe and/or god/dess:
so.....wait... i extend myself, stick my neck out, and all i get is $11 off my library fees?
i don't mean to complain...no, i guess i kinda do.
that sucks. is your hobby shitting on me? wtf?!
it's been more than 10 years that you have had your head in the sand. 10 fucking YEARS and you are still insisting i'm still your son. i've told you i don't want to talk to you till you see me for me. stop. i won't let you hurt me or waste my time anymore. i've given you enough time already. you'll get no more.
May 8 2009, 12:04 PM
May 8 2009, 11:48 PM
Stop wasting time on being mad at others and yourself. Someone once said we make the decisions we make because they seem like the best ones at the time and that's what you did. You thought that since you didn't have a family to support or anything else you'd pursue this. You didn't know just how rocky things were or how hard it would be to find a job or how important making connections and networking would be.
(And about connections: Just how are you supposed to make them where you've been living and where you've been working? You aren't in school so you aren't going to meet people that way. You aren't living near anyone who is in your field so they can't introduce them and your alma mater doesn't have jack shit when it comes to archeology. You aren't the most outgoing or self-confident person either, so of course it is going to be extremely difficult, more so than others, to make them.)
So ease up, please. Stop flipping out when you hear someone else got hired and realize that you can't predict the future. If it means staying away from Facebook, then do it. If it means running away to some housekeeping job and deciding to stay put for a steady paycheck, so be it. Just remember that you are only human and sometimes make mistakes, and to put the energy from your anger and frustration to good use.
And don't give up just yet, you never know what will happen.
May 11 2009, 12:02 AM
ok. universe, god/dess:
i'm putting myself out there again. do i have to tell you how badly i need this? i can't even count the ways. i'm supposed to put myself out there again, right? i have lost so much ground in the last 8 or so years....and i need this. i need to feel like i have some sort of direction, but more i need to feel like i have....something. when you're hanging by a thread, more fraying isn't just something of note, it's the loss of all you have left. it's the end of your world. and like those grey days, it's not so much the next big thing you have to worry about it's all those little ones. it's Chinese water torture. those gigantic scars carved, drop by drop, like the grand canyon, all that pain so deep, it makes you reassess your sense of scale. people spend their summers trying to climb out. that could never be me. i can't stand camping out. dealing with the elements. instead i get washed downstream and pray there are no rapids, i get lost in all those hundreds of thousands of millions of little things, making that roar. drowning me out. but you know all these things, and where they lead. tributaries leading.... somewhere....right?
May 11 2009, 06:58 AM
Could you please give GT what she wants and needs? Really, she's a really amazing person. In fact, could you throw all us busties a fuckin' bone?!