Aug 13 2006, 10:34 AM
Hey baby! Thanks for inviting me to the party last night. It was fun, and I loved that you danced with our friend since our other lame coworker never showed up. I also loved going out to dinner/breakfast with you at 1 am, that's definitely something we've got to do again. You looked very handsome in your suit, pink tie and all. (= Let's stay together a while -- I think this will work out well.
Aug 13 2006, 03:20 PM
Just fuck off and die already. It's really a feat of modern medicine that you haven't died of massive heart attacks after all the lies you tell yourselves so that you can sleep at night. I don't need the misery that you continue to smear all over the fucking place.
Dear People Who Still Associate With Asshats:
Fine, do whatever the hell you want. It's not like anything is going to repair the rift that's between us, but I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM. I mean, really, you think I'm interested in whatever's going on? I'm not. In fact, I'm better off not knowing than having to know AND THEN PRETEND I DON'T KNOW. How can I get this through your thick heads full of ignorance? Oh right, I can't, because you have your heads buried deep in the sand. How's that going for you? Do you like turning your sorry little lives into your own version of "All My Children"? Because none of you are Erica Kane. Keep trying for that Emmy.
Calgon, take me away.
Aug 13 2006, 03:47 PM
Dear Brother and Sister,
Fuck off. Don't take advantage of my patience. Don't ask me to keep secrets from our parents, especially since you're 19 and 25 and not little children anymore.
Sister: exercise for real, take a long hearty walk, stop watching so much TV and lounging on the couch, quit bitching about everything under the sun, stop drinking so much, quit leaving all the lights on when you're not in the room, quit reading so much shit magazines like Star and Us Weekly, don't make bitchy comments about some skinny movie star you're jealous of, take a moratorium on Seinfeld reruns, and act like a grown-ass woman instead of wallowing in self-pity and depression.
Brother: quit acting like a fucking brat, don't ask me to get beer for you and your friends using my I.D., don't give me an attitude, don't blast rap music about drugs and gang life and give me shit when I don't want to hear it (especially since you're a suburban white boy and you don't know shit about that life), don't give me shit when I say that Tupac was not a thug (he grew up poor with a single mom, but wasn't a thug - he had attended a Baltimore arts school and majored in drama - and adopted the thug look when he joined with Death Row to sell more records and act like an idiot) especially since you were fuckin' nine when he was killed and I was thirteen and remember him better, don't cut me off when I'm telling you stories with "Shut up, I don't care" when I don't feel like listening to you recite 9/11 conspiracies and getting on my nerves, and act like a mature young man instead of pulling bullshit because you wanna "live your life."
Dear Old Crush,
Quit appearing in my dreams. Why can't you disappear like all my other old crushes whose names and faces I've forgotten?
Aug 13 2006, 05:13 PM
Sonic youth boy, wanna get married? I am super happy you keep checking up on me after severe dumping this weekend by asshat. Makes me happy. Just wish you were a little taller...
Aug 14 2006, 02:02 AM
This is my response to what you said last night. I don't want you to be friends with me out of pitiness, nor do I want to be told I am pathetic. Nor do I want to be made fun or laughed at for my decisions. Nor do I want to be blamed for my decisions. I have decided I no longer want you in my life...in any aspect. Secretly, I had hopes we would one day get back together, but now I want nothing to do with you. What you said tonight, about not looking forward to hanging out with me, not really enjoying my company, not really liking me, really hurt. Why on earth would I allow someone to say something like that is beyond me. I deserve better than the way you are treating me. I'm sorry I'm not as pious or righteous as you. I'm sorry I make mistakes. But you will NOT put me down anymore. You will not call me pathetic. You will not hang out with me especially since you really don't like me. I am not your friend. You don't consider me to be your friend...then you shouldn't hang out with me. I don't need you to make sure my life is going okay. I don't need you to try to help me if all your going to do is put me down. Look, it's fairly obvious that you are just like the rest of the guys I've met...always putting me down, mistreating me, abusing me and using me. I really want to put you down and tell you what's wrong with you, but that's not going to get me anywhere - it will just make me feel sad. You obviously have no good feelings towards me. It's as if you are trying to make me hate you so that I won't talk to you anymore. And why on earth did you call me just to say hey if you don't like me? That doesn't make any sense. I don't want you to contact me. I don't want you to ever speak to me again. I don't want anything to do with you. I've had enough mistreat me from others, I don't need it from you. To be honest, you are/were the last person I expected to treat me this way, but sometimes when the mask comes off the pictures isn't so pretty. I have gone out of my way to be kind to you. To be a good girlfriend and a good friend. You, at the beginning you did, but in the end you just weren't very nice. I deserve to be treated better. I will not stand for this kind of treatment from you. I would rather be lonely than be mistreated and put down by you. I deserve to be treated better. You have really hurt me and have not been much of a friend to me, as of late. I don't know why you bothered to hang out with me at all. I will not say I hate you because hate is a very strong word, but I don't like the way you have treated me. It's as if you have no heart, no soul. I know you think I'm annoying. Hence why I stopped calling you. You will be another name I add to my little list of men who give me a reason. You will be another poem in my book. And you know what - I am a good poet. Sorry, my poems aren't happy. Happiness isn't everything. Life isn't about being happy, life is about surviving and doing good for humanity. If happiness comes along, then great, if not, then so be it. Once again, please do not contact me anymore, please do not ever speak to me again. Should I ever feel like contacting you, I will, but for now I want nothing to do with you. You have hurt me beyond words. I hope you can learn to be a little nicer and kinder to those who are different from you. To those who are weaker and not as strong. To those who need a hand to hold in this struggle we call life. Best of luck to you.
Aug 14 2006, 06:23 AM
Seriously, I just don't get you. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me? All four have mistreated me (not to mention the countless others along the way). Most people (okay most males) find me annoying. They tell me they don't like me. I know I'm not a horrendous person. I admit to being dramatic at times, but seriously, I'm not murderer or anything. I don't belittle people. I don't make fun of others. I just try to help people and do what they want. Last night's conversation with R, really made hit a new low. As if I already wasn't feeling great about my body and the way I looked, he had to add on that he just, "didn't like" me. I've stopped all my dramatic antics. I don't call people fifty times a day. I don't get upset when people ignore me (sad to say I've become used to it). I keep to myself. S, won't return my call, which is to be expected - he doesn't like me either - says I'm too dramatic and still have a long way to go. Well fuck that, I've come a long way from where I used to be. And even though I'm really not in a good place right now, I'm not being dramatic towards anyone. I'm just keeping to myself and my own tears. A, wants something I just know will blow up in my face. Truth is, I don't trust him. He's deceived me before, why wouldn't he deceive me again? The other R, just doesn't want to be my friend. He probably doesn't like me either and thinks I'm too dramatic. Drama seems to be the root of all my problems, but even when I'm not dramatic, people still think I am. I either need to make new friends or get the hell out of dodge. I am tired of this...
Sorry for being a thread hog. I'll go back to lurking.
Aug 14 2006, 04:05 PM
Thank you for last night. Thank you for the past year.
You have been this breeze in my life that has allowed me to relax and breathe. Yes, we've had our rough patches, but we have to in order to grow.
Last night, though I was tied up, I felt more free than I ever have. Every single time your hand made contact it just opened me up inside. It seems strange to be able to find inner peace from being tied up and spanked, but damn if it didnt happen for me.
To me, taking me on is one of the bravest things someone can do. All my baggage and all that pent up pain and anger and that poor little broken girl inside is a lot for me to handle, so for you to help... to take control a little... is a blessing to me.
I prayed today. I thanked god for you. I asked him to give me the opportunity to help you or be there for you the way you have for me. To give you a gift like the one you gave me.
I've struggled for 10 years to allow myself pain, but always, I had to control it. You allowed me to face it last night without control. What you gave me was better than a little rough sex. You gave my soul a piece of itself back. And for that, I dont think I can ever thank you enough or repay you enough.
You are the light of my life. My man... My guardian and my love. Thank you for you.
Thank God for you.
I love you.
Aug 14 2006, 04:52 PM
I laughed all the way up to my apartment after opening your package, probably the first real laugh in a while. Such a sick sense of humor. I love it.
Aug 15 2006, 08:47 AM
I just want to feel like I am loved again. My heart is hurting.
Aug 15 2006, 11:50 AM
Okay, you've said what you don't want and suggested a list of what you do want. Care to back any of your demands up with some research or suggestions, like the rest of us? Your perceptions are outdated, which is fine, but maybe don't stand so fervently by them until you've checked them out?
Nice of you to suddenly bail as well, having brought the whole thing up. Now we're all waiting on you and twiddling our thumbs.
I have already thought this will not resemble an ideal holiday but have thought fuck it, I'll be catching up with everyone which is the important thing. You are starting to sound like a prima donna though which is annoying even at a distance.
I find it hard to go with the flow but I hope to manage it; it's only 3 days. It will not be your idyllic dream break with extra added friends. If you want that feel free to research and come back with suggestions.
I love you to bits but just decide what you want already. Nothing involving other people is ever going to be flawless.
Aug 15 2006, 01:33 PM
Dearest potential new apartment that I haven't seen yet but whose location and price make me want you yesterday,
Please be larger than 350 square feet, okay?
Please? I love him terribly but I'll kill him if we have to spend another six months in this glorified studio apartment.
Dearest new potential landlord,
You have no idea what awesome tenants we are. We are beyond quiet, we are respecful, we never ever miss rent, we recycle, we keep things clean and re-rentable, we've never had vermin...come on!!! Pleeeeaase? I know the only available credit score is a bit wonky, but if you'll notice, it's gone progressively up in the last year and it won't go down, I swear, and it's really not all that bad. Plus, we're sweet!
Dearest monkey cat,
Please remove your claws from my foot. This is the third time this week that you've drawn blood and made walking really painful. Damn you and your fuzzy cuteness! It's the only thing saving you!
Dearest fat cat,
'sup? Look, I know that you're a one-man cat, and I can respect that. Me too. But listen, I feed you fifty percent of the time, scoop your poop probably forty percent, give you treats and love when you ask for it, and I'm sorry about scratching your belly, but come on! It's right there and it's all big and round and wubbly and fuzzy and warm and inviting... Anyway, would it be awful of me to ask you to stop.scratching.the.box.spring. Seriously. You have a very expensive scratching post and a sibling to take aggression out on. Leave the mattress alone.
Annoyed and hopeful,
Aug 15 2006, 01:52 PM
Dear New Love,
I know my package may only be getting to you today, but please end the suspense and respond soon!
We're not even officially getting to know each other yet, and I'm already calling you New Love! That's how much I like you. You're the first person I've ever been able to imagine having babies with! I'm actually caught up in that crazy state where I just KNOW you could live in my heart, for maybe forever. Wasn't sure that would ever happen to me, and just typing this stuff is so. wierd.
Ok, enough of that. You get the point. And you'll do the right thing.
Aug 15 2006, 02:42 PM
I am super excited about moving in with you and I'm glad we are finding a way of making this work. But I am scared. I am scared that this isn't reality. I'm scared that I am going to panic and run still. I am scared that people are right and that this is too soon. I'm really scared of my mother's reaction. I haven't been able to concentrate of work today. I've been shaking since I sent that email about my idea to move in tomorrow if we wanted. Or rather I started shaking when you so easily agreed to it. It's really happening. It's not just words. It's being put into action. So I'm scared. And I'm nervous. And I'm a little sad to say goodbye to my roommate and my big two bedroom apartment that has been my home for 3 years (I can't move in there with you because someone else lived there once and it just wouldn't feel right). But mostly I am excited and so happy about living with you and coming home at the end of the day to you and sharing everything with you.
So scared to tell you that I'm moving in with B especially since it's really only been 3 months. Please be supportive or at the very least non commital about it. That's all I ask.
Dear current and soon to be ex landlord,
Please be a normal person for once. I am moving out. I want to make things easier on S. Please just pass over the tenency to her. It would just make life soooooo much easier. I really hope your bark is worse then your bite.
Grow a backbone and talk to the landlord. It's not your problem if he says no. You are giving him more the 30 days notice and your idea would save him so much trouble.
Now get back to work. You've done a whole pile of nothing today and that leaves you with a huge stack of hell to do before you can call it a day.
Aug 15 2006, 02:49 PM
Please stop for a moment and look back at your life. You have so much potential. Stop with the tormented genus drama. You are flushing your life down the drain, and this vicious cycle must end. Take control and choose when, before the choice is no longer yours to make.
Aug 17 2006, 03:01 PM
is it that i'm lucky? or is it that you've blessed me? it's hard to know. but it's hard to believe that i'm not blessed, when i've been so lucky, time and time again. regardless, thank you for this small bit of breathing room.
Aug 17 2006, 06:30 PM
I'm sorry that sometimes I hate you. I can't help it. I have spent my entire life, as long as I can remember, protecting you, defending you, worrying about you. I have spent all of that time feeling guilty for being the normal one. I've got it made. I have it all, I can do anything, right? Compared to you? I do have it made. Guess what - I can't have everything. You will live your life with everybody loving you because you're 'brave', 'positive'. I will always be the mean one, the only one in the world who dislikes you. I'm sorry you had to be the disabled one. If it's any consolation, I feel guilty every single day of my life.
Aug 17 2006, 10:38 PM
Where the fuck are you? Why would you call me at 11 to say you're coming right home, and now it's 1am and you're not home? Doesn't that kind of defeat the whole "telling me when you're coming home" purpose? I'm so fucking pissed right now, and I'd like to be so fucking asleep instead.
Oh! A key in the door. Lucky us.
Let's argue now!
Aug 17 2006, 11:56 PM
you're a nasty, self-centered, manipulative old bag of bones and I do NOT feel bad I only saw you once this trip.
your house reeks of smoke. it's so gross you could smear it off the walls w/ your fingers and hands and even the thought of my precious girl in there makes me ill.
but yet, you 'don't smoke in the house.'
it's your house and your life.
however, it's my life and my child (ok ours, me & the mr's) and if there is a way to avoid it she won't be back to see you there again. your home literally is like a large boxed ashtray and in case you hadn't heard, or say, let alone had a HUSBAND who ultimately died from what was that... oh That's right, it Was Lung Cancer,[b]SECOND HAND SMOKE KILLS.
but really, its been your attitude, your cloying, guilitifying, neeeeeeedful control of those around you, that has made me feel the way I do, and unwilling now to go the distance.
the past 14 years you've sat in that house alone now, demanding the world come to you, that everyone in it cater to you and haven't given a damn thing back.
I don't get it bc when I look at my own g'mother, she's 90, even older than you, and still kicking ass and taking names. AND she has health problems but doesn't let it keep her down.
you're so hurtful to people, esp your own daughter, my sweet mother in law, and I really don't think you care enough to think about it bc then you'd be thinking about someone besides yourself.
you're the reason I've already told frecklette to put me in a home when the time comes.
not one that will bankrupt her, just one that keeps me fed & cleaned, bc the thought of the same horror befalling her in My "golden years" is one I won't accept.
she has her own life, and I won't suck it up as I'm on my way out.
nasty ole witch.
I feel so good now that I've finally said this outloud!
not seeing you anytime soon ~
the grandaughter by marriage
Aug 18 2006, 03:03 AM
Why do I have the urge to do some evil things? Am I that unhappy about this current issue that I want to upset other households and people???
I so want to tell and seek to ruin. Just because I don't like something thats going on with me right now.
I haven't had these horrible thoughts or acted out any horrible thoughts in YEARS.
Why do I feel so eager to revert back to a time where I did not care about anything and anyone but myself?
I have been continually receiving blessings, yet I still want more. Am I selfish and greedy? I sure hope not, because I always want people to do and have the best, same as I want for myself.
***(thinking...I haven't seen any long posts from Whammy...is she still around? Does she have a new name? Hi Yummy! post soon! Hi FJ....)***
Well, I hope that I maintain the strength to not say or do blatant, deliberate, evil things to people that are not bothering me.
Am I hurting still? I hope not, because I'm sincerely trying to move on.
Do I get a kick out of seeing people down and out? (If they did something shitty to me, sometimes YES).
Bring me some peace and will to let it be, set me free...I feel trapped and cornered, smothered, drowning- like.
I want it to stop now.
Nothing but great things are in store for me.
Signed: Not feeling so Free.
Aug 18 2006, 10:58 AM
i can't even think about the fact you're not replying. can't even let the reality of it sink in. i am so hurt and angry and can't even imagine what would make that feel better.
fuck. this is why i am guarded and terrified and scared. don't prove me right.
i love you, i am ruined
dear Other M,
holy shit. your words are freaking me out and opening a door that i want nailed shut. you are fucked up enough and smart enough to meet me head on, and that would be good, but this context is all wrong. could we meet up, amnesiac, in a few years time?
i do feel bad. i am sorry. lying in bed last night listening to music that meant so much with someone else, it was nice but it compounds my guilt. you are such a good man. just not the one for me.
10 days with the not smoking! and i'm nowhere near crazy! now if i could just get outside and do the 101 things that i should before i leave this town and start the next chapter. keep it up
Aug 18 2006, 11:12 AM
I CANNOT believe we're aruging over something soooo stupid. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and just assume that this argument is about something more larger and more complex than what it seems. And I know you think I always take everyone else's side and never yours, but what you don't see is that i DO take your side. Especially when I'm in arguments with someone else about YOU. I defend you to the death. You're being a hypocrite and I've known you for years so I know you can recognize when you're being one, so stop it. You take things WAY too personally, especially in this situation and it honestly has nothing to do with you or your ideas, it's just another person's opinion. So, stop being angry, let it slide, forget about it and move on. It's going to grow into something huge if you don't.
Aug 18 2006, 02:04 PM
Please respond to my email, if only so I know you read it and don't think I'm too much of a wierdo. Please?
Aug 18 2006, 05:33 PM
I knew there was something up with that bump on your leg. I just didn't think it was cancer. I thought my brother was right, that you had been kicked by a horse or a cow.
But you didn't. You have a big, huge, softball sized tumor on your leg. And it will end your life.
I cannot believe how...very detached I feel. Maybe it's because you are already so very, very old, and because I'm amazed you're still alive at all?
Big dogs aren't supposed to live until they are 17. Hell, they don't even make it to 12 all that much. You've surpassed everybody's expectations.
I will never claim to have been a good dog "owner". Basically I was rescuing you from a worse life. When Adrienne said she'd take you, way back when you were an 8 week old puppy, I knew you wouldn't survive that family. They had gone through four dogs in two years....so I took you. I'm not a dog person. Sorry about that.
But I never beat you, I was kind to you, hell, I was probably a damn good dog owner...I just don't feel "good enough". I probably didn't take you for as many walks as I should have. You used to love playing the "go find it game".
I had to move. And I couldn't take you with me. I hope you understand that. I think you've got a better life with my brother and his wife anyway. I had to work too much and you were alone too much. You've got a family, a real family, with other dogs, chickens, horses, cows, a spring to wade in, a low shady area to sleep in...and best of all, they are around all the time!
My brother's wife called me the other day to let me know the news. I sent her some money for your vet bills. I told them not to amputate your leg. But keep you on medicines so you dont' have pain.
So for not being a dog person, why am I crying as I type this letter? I think you've gotten under my skin after 17 years....I am not ready for you to be gone. Poor old mutt.
I am going to miss you. The vet said your type of tumor grows really fast. Here's hoping you stay comfortable. I'm going to try to come see you, not this weekend but next weekend. I hope you are still alive by then.
Aug 18 2006, 06:52 PM
Aug 18 2006, 09:01 PM
Aug 18 2006, 09:14 PM
Aug 19 2006, 06:52 AM
((((((((((big hugs for Treehugger))))))))))
Aug 19 2006, 07:12 AM
Aug 19 2006, 08:45 AM
We both need to stop repeating ourselves and fighting in the same old patterns. Of course I feel I was in the right (if unnecessarily angry) and that you were just dredging up stuff to hurt me, but I would feel that way wouldn't I? I do worry that you can still be so flaky; moving house would be good for you in more ways than one.
But generally I am happy, and I think we are happy. We're still not bored which rocks. I don't know if it's more or less important but we also understand each other so well (usually anyway...). I must try not to lose sight of that.
Love you. And I'm sorry fwiw. Me
Dear powers that be,
Please let everything be all right. It's important.
Thank you, sincerely, Me
Aug 19 2006, 11:04 AM
Aug 19 2006, 11:26 AM
ps - ok, I tried not to include you in the same space as the letter below, because you deserve better than sharing space with the person I'm writing to - but this new board won't let me make one post right after the other. sorry.
Dear you -
fuck you you fucking asswipe. Yes, you do excel at being a shitty human being. And your stupid made up words and ramblings aren't funny at all. Well maybe to your ho-bag little girlfriends they are.
You are a fucking prick.
oh, and did I mention, FUCK YOU??!!!
Aug 19 2006, 02:53 PM
thankyou for buying me books today.
you don't know this, but as much as I love books so, they are so very intimate to me, the special ones become a piece that enrich and emesh my soul, and that you chose a book that looks to speak directly to it... I am just blown away.
I know, to you it's probly just a book, but to me, it's a lot lot more.
am glad we are in a better place now, even tho we sometimes still slip back & forth.
sorry I am so mean & crazi right now, these pain pills are doing bad things & I find myself acting quite opposite of how I am thinking & feeling w/ little control to change it. few more days & it'll be better. forgive me?
hopeful & more loving,
was that you the mr & wee girl saw today at the book sale?
he recognized you, and your girlchild, and said you gave him a funny look.
I hope you did see & recognize them. I hope you see now that he/we/I have evolved past the man-bashing/hating the men we married bond that once drew you & I so tightly together.
do I hope it makes you upset? well, I'm sure if it was you & you saw them, it already has.
but I don't wish you ill, and in fact, am not even so very curious about you any longer either, which suprises me quite a lot to realise. have thought about my last words to you, typed in instant message after I discovered more lies you had been spewing, and began to realise how pathetic and hurting you must be, to say those things to get sympathy from strangers. I still hope you get help, or already have done so.
your spirit is beautiful and the memories we had...some really good and some I know I still need to account for internally bc we were wrong in what we did and that still hurts to realise too.
dear emma, have you found your peace yet?
I haven't, but that's not to say I am totally discontent either.
I guess I hope you are ok now.
that whatever vices you turned to, that you hid so fantastically well from me, have been replaced w/ better things. if I failed you, and I think that bc you did some of the things you did I really did, I am sorry.
we hurt ourselves by doing things we Thought would make us stronger. we were wrong.
I'm in the book, but doubt you'll call and if you did I probly wouldn't pick up anyway,
Aug 19 2006, 04:04 PM
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
and i'm sorry, but i feel no remorse for spraying and squishing the shit out of youze. go outside and live free all you want.
but GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN!
mandi the murderer
quit freaking out about how much you have to do. you have 4 weeks before The Party. you'll get it done. the house will look great, and even if mommy isn't surprised, she'll still be tickled to pieces that her offspring threw her a party.
your house is not a shithole. it's old, 75% of it is grubby and/or disintegrating, but everyone always finds something nice to say about it, and unless they're all horrible liars, it truly must be a nice house, overall. and yes, you've slipped recently, but you keep it relatively clean. most of the time.
so get up off your ass, turn off the computer, and get on with the chores. the more you do - a little each day - the less stressed you'll be.
dear noisy neighbors,
i respect you for all the playthings you buy for your kids. i suspect it's to get them outside and active, and for this, i admire you. but you already have a swing/climbing set, a trampoline, a basketball hoop and an inflatable pool for them. now i see you're dismantling your shed. i fear and already loathe what you may have next in store.
and please, when your kids start their bloodcurdling "play" screams at 8 pm at night, could you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE use a little common sense and exhibit some consideration for those of us within earshot, and make them shut the fuck up a little? there's no good goddamn reason for them to scream like that.
your quiet neighbors, who are tired of putting on the a/c just to shut out your fucking noise
Aug 20 2006, 12:24 AM
i wish that you would write more often. but i know you well, and i know that writing has never been your forte. i know that you would rather SHOW me how you feel. for right now, though, when there is SO much distance between us, i often wish that you would just sit down and write me -- ANYTHING. a sentence. just so i know that you are thinking of me. i don't know why i was foolish enough to think that i woulld be too busy to miss you. i've been busy as frell the last month, busier than i have been since i got here (and i'm ALWAYS slammed), and instead of not missing you at all, i find quite the opposite: i miss you MORE. i actually cried at work TWICE this week. thank the GODS that i work with brasileiros who don't think that crying at work is THE ULTIMATE SIN. in fact, i think it may have been the reverse.
i don't have anything else to say, although i have everything to say. i miss you. i wish that we could see each other more often.
dear vamizi lodge: please write back and let me know if we can stay for less than a whole week. i WANT to stay with you.
of course, even if we can't do it now, i'll be here longer, and i can book more in advance now that i know about you. so even if this doesn't work out, something else will. the universe provides in its own rhythm.
but it would still be EVER SO AMAZING to stay with you at christmas!!
i hope that the other people don't pay you their deposit and i'm so glad (for once) that you don't take credit cards!!!
dear work gods:
thank you for the loophole. now, make the STOOOPID people here realize that if they shaft us, they wind up shafting themselves. they will NEVER make their targets without us. i don't know why everything has been so HARD with them lately. i used to like them all, and feel as though we were partners, and lately, i'm not so sure. there are certainly some conflicts of interest going on! i can't believe that no one else notices it!
oh, and THANK YOU SO MUCH for the decision in our favor. ok, it may have made HIM pissy about us, but it is SO worth it in the end. santa and his lovely nordic elf LOST. because they were WRONG. i can't believe that she went on vacation when she knew all of this would be happening! i guess she trusted you too much, santa, because there is NO WAY that you have now, or will EVER have, as much authority and power as you think you ought to, as you seem to think is your RIGHT. You will NEVER be able to trump ELY. HE HAS THE POWER YOU LUST AFTER. and he, unlike you, can apparently recognize LOGIC when he sees it.
i can not WAIT to see your faces.
evil, righteous smiles,
Aug 20 2006, 04:50 AM
vamizi lodge (I had a peek) is stunningly beautiful!!! I'm vibing that you manage a stay there.
whilst I'm writing you, I also admire you for the LDR. I'm freaking out about the boy moving 3 and a half hours away and only seeing him a couple of weekends a month but reading about your sacrifice puts this in perspective for me.
dear lounge (especially kvetchies),
why are you so damn quiet this weekend?
you realise that you're actually making me go do work?
hope you're happy with yourselves, hmph.
Aug 20 2006, 08:14 AM
dear boy (you know who you are)
I like you. Why the fuck do you have to live so fucking far away. Get here. Now. I mean it. I'm never going to say it, but I want to. If nothing else because I'll spend the rest of however long it takes me to realise it's never going to happen wondering what could happen.
Aug 20 2006, 09:03 AM
You called your parents while you were on your honeymoon?! Wow. I'm completely stunned. So much for wanting to cut the apron strings, eh? Seems like you want to play tug-of-war instead. Have fun with that.
Did you call your in-laws as well? On second thought, I don't think I want to know.
Is nothing sacred anymore?
Aug 20 2006, 02:16 PM
Get the FUCK out of my life.
dear apartment gods,
pleeeeeease let me not be homeless in January. It'll be very cold, and I can't live on couches forever.
dear art and love gods,
Aug 20 2006, 06:46 PM
Dear potential new landlord,
PLEEEEEEAAASE pick us. We will be so good to that apartment you will be blown away. The other people you were showing to after us looked sketchy so I really really really hope you pick us. You'll be calling with an answer in the next hour. Sending good tenent vibes your way.
A and B
Dear B's place,
Please rent out to some one so that B can get his damage deposit back. I know he didn't do the 30 days notice but there are a lot of people looking so I don't think you'll have a problem.
Dear S and V's S
Please keep the place S. And V's S please take my old room this month. You'll be so close to V and S is awesome. And the place is great.
Aug 21 2006, 10:15 AM
My dearest so and so,
Okay, so I wrote you a scathing email yesterday detailing my angst and sheer, unadulterated pissedoffedness. Then I do the retardoville move of the century and drop that thing off at your house. I am really thankful that you were mowing the lawn out back so that you did not see me...it may have made my colon blow up. My dignity is intact, but just barely.
I cannot begin to tell you (well, I guess that I am anyway) how much it hurt me to hear you talking to me like I was Public Enemy Number One. You had your walls up, and I could hear it in your voice. I know that voice. As a matter of fact, I think that I know you too well. While talking with my galpals yesterday, I mentioned to them that it might be nice to just be ignorant and stupid for awhile to garner some untainted happiness. I not be so choosey. I could be quasi-sentient and get by in the world and not think about all these things that plague me.
But those just aren't the cards I was dealt, so here I am.
You called me your "partner" on that other board and I seriously wonder what that means to you. The ability to completely be yourself? That can't be good considering our track record. There are two you's. The one that adores me and spoils me, and the one that cannot stand to be around me and treats me like shit. That's the big WTF. Stop with the defense mechanisms...fuck, I should follow my own advice.
I dunno, P. I am an adult now, and I would like to be cherished and treated with honesty. I have been through too much in this lifetime not to have something resembling that.
The ID Ostrich Lady
Aug 22 2006, 10:01 PM
This has gone on long enough, don't you think? All this awkward avoidance? What's the point of it? Okay, let's just tackle the pink elephant once and for all. Yes, it was weird when you pulled your dick out of your pants. It's not cool to do that next to someone's head when they're reaching for a beer in the fridge. Look, you went brokeback on me in your parents' kitchen and you didn't get the reaction you were hoping for. You're embarrassed. You wonder what I must think of you. I get it. Now get past it. If I thought you were a total fucktard I wouldn't still be trying to be your friend even after all this time. We've known each other for a long, long time for a reason. Don't fuck it up because of a momentary lapse in judgment. I'm still willing to be your friend ever after that episode, the weirdness, the silence, the purposeful neglect. So maybe I won't hang out in kitchens with you alone anymore. Whatever. We can still do stuff with the old group. Nut up.
Still, I can't help but wonder if you told your wife about that. I'm guessing not.
Aug 23 2006, 08:26 AM
Okay, now I understand, you had the same issues with one of your parents I had with one of mine. And because it's not easy (or wise) to talk about it, we couldn't talk about it.
So, you thought I was a mean person for telling you I didn't want to ride with Kirsten because she's crazy -- but, honestly, she did things in the car when you weren't there -- I was there before and after you were! I feared for my physical safety, for real. I wasn't suggesting we hate her, or any disturbed person, it was just the fact that "the group" decided I should be the one to ride with her that made me feel I had to tell "the group" that that wasn't a good idea.
Otherwise, if I acted weird with you it's because I know that you're jealous ( in the original sense of fearing to lose love ) and told me so, many times. I was always honest with you about what I was feeling, what I was doing, and I backed way off and respected your relationship .... so, you're not obligated to be close friends, and sorry if I felt bad about that, but you don't have to make things weird and keep them weird. The two of you are llike sticks in the mud at a gathering .. and that's not right, since you're cool people.
Can you stop trying desperately to put on "I'm upper middle class I'll have you know" image and defend against stigma **from the past** and just relax? Be pleasant? Stop withdrawing and judging like two petty little thirteen year old girls? The sour little running commentaries of judgement are not welcome. YOU would cause an UPROAR and refuse to SPEAK to people if they acted that way toward YOU... so, will you get a clue and just relax and be the cool people that you are? Stop inhibiting others and trying to ruin reputations and friendships? Just be smart and funny and hip and musical?
The "Evil" Wombat
Aug 23 2006, 08:47 AM
Dear future roommates,
Let me just lay this on the line for both of you. The lease is in all of our names. All of us. That's 3 people. Not just me. Why, then, is every single little thing that has to be done in that apartment, my responsibility? We all get a dog, and I'm the one who has to email the landlord to tell him. And so, I'm the one who gets yelled at when one of you forget to clean his shit in the backyard. I'm not there during the week so I can't do it. But I'm soley responsible for it. I pay more for rent and I have the smallest bedroom, I found the apartment, I fronted the security deposit so we could get the apartment, I kept in contact with the landlord so we could make sure everything was ok with the apartment. And I don't even fucking live there yet!
Yes, it's partially my fault for allowing myself to be taken advantage of this way. But I'm ending it now. If YOU want something done in the apartment, do it yourself. Contact the landlord yourself. I'm sick of it. Next time you call me and tell me I need to talk to him, I'm ignoring it. It isn't fair. We're all in this together, this is what we discussed when we signed the lease. As far as the cable situation goes, make up your fucking mind guys, ok? Don't tell me to take care of it and then bitch when it isn't what you wanted. This is MY credit we're talking about. Don't throw it back in my face that I make more money than you do, either. I make more money because I work my ass off, and I deserve everything I get. I don't have any financial help from anyone. Stop being lazy and passing every important thing over to me. I'm letting you both know now that when I move in on Saturday, I'm done. I'll pull the same shit. Just be prepared cause I won't be the roommate you thought I was.
Your Asshole Roommate,
Aug 23 2006, 09:35 AM
Dear older parking attendant,
I really look forward to your little wave every time I park my car. You are the cheeriest attendent ever. When I got a chance to chat with you when leaving last night, you really made my day. I feel like you are so happy to see me every week. Thank you for being you with your sparkly eyes and cute little accent.
Aug 23 2006, 03:00 PM
I heart you hardcore.
The fact is, I've been having mega-doubts lately. Big'uns, too. Like, We're Not Going To Work Out worries and hyperfocusing on your faults, and not treating you like a person and being supersensitive to any negativity from you.
I realized a few facts, in the time in between now and last night's panic attack (thank you for reminding me how to breathe, by the way), that I wanted to share, because it's important that I work this out and I want you to know that I'm trying to think things through.
I'm in a bit of a sexual slump at the moment. Every time we have sex, that spot that really fucking hurts. Even in the times when we go slowly and manage to avoid it for awhile, the potential for pain is in my mind, and the worry has been trumping desire. I've been trying, but to put it in perspective: Would you be able to relax and feel aroused if you were worried that someone was going to stick a needle in your balls any second?
So, it's hard for me to get turned on at the moment. If I tend to overthink as a rule, you can bet I overthink our sex life and my own body. I'm trying to get it fixed, I'm trying my hardest. I called the doctor, and only two days after the symptoms came back. I know it's not perfect, but it's progress, right? The sickening lack of knowledge of the pathology of the female body has me especially depressed lately, and that is on my mind too. This feeling that it will never go away.
So, I've been freaking out because I haven't wanted to have sex as much, and I took my lack of desire as a falling off of my commitment to and love for you, instead of being reasonable and accepting that this lovely little infection is really affecting my life, and that is not my fault. I wish my intellect would make that acknowledgment about my depression: I am not to blame. It is not a moral failing. It is not on purpose.
I love you, and thank you for fixing my vibrator.
And for helping me remember how to breathe.
Aug 24 2006, 04:36 AM
I know I know, I apparently did you wrongwrongwrong bc now I have 3 appointments to get you fixed but I'm doing it now so doesn't that count for something?
after all the years of orthodontic hell I suffered through, the experimental straightening attempts as my first dentist was going through orthodontic schooling, the retainers and palate spreaders, how Naieve was I to think I could pay it forward forevermore.
the thing is.. I brush FANATICALLY. like every-single-time-I drink-milk, which is umpteen times a day.
please stop hurting. all I ask.
and when the girl-child is done & over w/ her braces, I promise I will get you straightened yet again, only this time wear my retainers up into old old age but for right now let's say we agree to get along please.
goin't floss now
Aug 25 2006, 11:12 AM
last nite i blew up...and i'm sorry. well, now i feel sorry. but last nite i didn't. and i was in a good mood yesterday until.....
you bought a new game and then freaked out over money--yet you are still spending it on stupid crap. which ticked me off. then I was at the phone store trying to make a decision. i called you, which was a mistake, cuz you, under duress at work, vented on me. not smart. i was peeved but let it pass.
When you came home, you were like a tiger that hadn't been fed in a week...starving and grumpy from work, you made some grub, yelled at me and zoned out in front of the tv. and this pissed me off more. i was ready to scream bloody murder and smack you around..but instead i decided to just silent treatment it. instead of yelling and crying, i forced myself to go clean up a mess in the garage to avoid you. right before you usually leave to go see the guys, i told you i was leaving to get dinner. you acted innocent and questioned why and wanted a kiss. i told you "you were mad at me earlier and now i'm mad at you and i don't want to talk to you" and i left. you must have realized what deep doo-doo you were in by coming home later than usual, doing the dishes and acting meek, and then finally apologizing. i cried(due to my hormonal state) and we talked about it...but we really need to figure this out. cuz i can't take much of this anymore...to the point of ending our relationship or something. Because you told me that last time we had this fight, it would be cheaper to live without me than it is to live with me. and i'm a freaking elephant--i don't forget shit like that. and this, it drives me crazy, even crazier than i already am....so here's to hoping we can work this out.
Aug 25 2006, 01:54 PM
Dear Crazy Lady,
Yes, I'm calling you crazy. I don't think there's anything wrong with being crazy & I respect your right to choose to follow the psycho path. Freedom & all that. But. BUT. Don't try to recruit me. Your whole PSI Seminar thing just isn't my scene. As far as I can tell it seems just like any other weirdo, mind control cult that gets other people's money by exploiting their weaknesses/insecurities. I'm glad for you that you feel that the organization helped you through some dark times & I appreciate that you think you see something really special in me & want to help me use that special to further my growth as a person. Thank you, but no thank you. I don't see anything for me in the PSI movement any more than I see anything in Scientology movement even with the hot celebrity guys into it.
I guess it all comes down to this: you're just a crazy lady at the bar & I'm a polite drunk that is entertained by crazy people.
Aug 25 2006, 04:55 PM
You are calling me. Loudly. Incessantly. Beckoning me. I want to go see you. But the place I want to go...it is already too late this year. I will go see you next year, I promise. I will backpack and live with you and commune with you and hang my food up 20 feet in the air to keep the bears away and I will just appreciate you.
So...why am I already obsessed with you? So long before my trip? It's been fifteen years...but the last time I went to commune with you I fell in an underground cave. Thank god for backpacks, eh? I hung there. I got out scot free, no injuries. But I want to see you again.
You are like an illicit lover.
Aug 26 2006, 01:38 PM
This is your sister. God I want you to somehow read this, but I know you never will. Your brain is somewhere else, a place where I will never be, nor be able to relate. That fucking brain of yours.
Please know that I don't know you anymore. I haven't for years upon years. Our relationship was shit years ago, and somehow (well, I know how. You also know how, thanks) it got worse times ten. Times a thousand.
Thank you almighty crack rock, thank you almighty beer, courageous vodka, smooth herb, coercing coke... to all of you enticing pieces of fucked up addictive disease causing fuckers, THANKS. Broken family, broken relationships...and those girls of yours. Those three beautiful girls, growing into women, who no longer know you either. Your own children. Given back to the piece of shit who once drank, beat you, raped me, and did only a piece of what you are doing now. And you know what? He takes better care of them than you EVER did. And now, thanks to you, I am forced to talk with him to see those girls. Those BEE-U-TI-FUL girls that will probably never know you again. You asshole.
I have never been so angry in my life. You will come back around, I know it, when the time comes where you feel ok to do it. And you will smell of alcohol, like you did at Gram's funeral. You will have those glassy eyes of yours, those scabs all over your chin. Those skinny arms, skinny legs...cringing now....
I hope you know that what goes around truly does come around, SISTER. And I do still love you. Which is why it kills me to feel this way about you. Right now, I cannot help it.
With no love left to give to you,