Aug 26 2006, 01:39 PM
I feel like I took advantage of a certain situation. It didn't "just happen". I made it happen. I don't regret anything that went down except for the fact that I think you got hurt in the process. I want to apologize to you in person because I want you to have the opportunity to yell at me if it will make it better. It's been such a long time, maybe you're done being angry.
I want to apologize in person because I still think about you...a lot. I think about you too much and I feel like I am on the verge of crazy.
I want to tell you the truth. I want to be able to tell someone the truth for once. I'm so tired of being something different for all the people in my life. You are the only person who even came close to seeing *me*.
I miss talking to you. You have a lot to say and no one seems to want to listen. Their loss.
Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong choice back then. It could have been so different, but now I don't have that choice to make anymore. That realization is eating away at me. It's making me sick, literally.
I can't change the past, but I can apologize for my hand in the bad parts.
I just want to be your friend again.
Aug 26 2006, 01:56 PM
you really can't see him for what he is, can you? you've never been able to see any of them for what they've been, all the drunks, and the losers, and the psychos. i've lost count of how many there've been by now, and your sons have lost count of how many times you've moved them, first to run to some guy, and then to run away from him again. you are forty-one years old, not some teenager. how can you possibly be taken in by a guy because he has tattoos and used to play in a band? how can you stay with a man who has threatened physical violence against your son? a man who cheated your parents out of money he owed them, after they let him stay in their house? a man who has threatened to bar dad from ever entering your house?
and do you not find it in the least suspicious that EVERYTHING is in YOUR name? the house, the utility bills, the cell phones. everything is in your name, and when he uses up your money and leaves you, you'll be the one stuck with the bills you can't pay. you are not the first he's done this to, and i doubt you'll be the last. he owes money to women as far away as california. his ex-wife had to sell furniture to buy her children clothes and shoes. he'll take your money, use it up, and when it's gone he'll leave you in debt.
and fer chrissakes pay attention to your kids, would you? it's not accidental that you have two sons end up with addictions, and that your daughter wants to live with her grandparents. i can't stand thinking that you're going to screw up her life the way you've screwed up theirs. you've already dragged her through four different houses and three different boyfriends, and she's not even six years old. so when this relationship goes south, stop being a screwup and start being a responsible parent. sleep with whomever you want, but stop introducing them to your kids. or just give her to us, we've already raised her, largely without your help.
Aug 26 2006, 08:39 PM
I can't believe how good you are doing. You've even learned how to manuver your bad leg. You do look silly hopping like a rabbit but it seems to be working well for you. I wish the steroids would work and slow down that tumor's growth though.
At least the pain killers seem to be helping. I was pretty surprised to see a 17 year old dog romping through the prairie. You might be old, you might have terminal cancer, but there's plenty of life there.
But, really, did you have to try to follow us ALL the way out to the sawmill?
I thought I was going to have to assist my brother in putting you to sleep tonight. Nope. You aren't ready to go, hell, you were playing!
Will let you go a while longer. I promise I won't let you have pain.
Aug 27 2006, 11:41 AM
Brain, please quit having seizures. It's worse enough having a shit job, but I can't deal with more seizures. Please just relax today. I'm really getting sick of the migranes and throwing up.
G, I know I was drunk when I wrote you that email. I do miss you. I do miss the fact that we're not dating anymore. I'm glad you're finally working, and hopefully you're dating someone better. I wish your health would be better, but that's not my problem. Yet, if we go for coffee, I know we'll end up shagging. Not that that would be a bad thing. We were good at sex.
Housemate, why are you such a bitch? You know I was sick last night, and I just wanted to not be alone. You didn't have to get into a fight with my landlord this morning, and wake me up. Shit, I was throwing up for 7 hours!! This totally proves that I don't want to live with you anymore.
Aug 27 2006, 11:59 AM
You suck. I told you I wasn't feeling well, emotionally that is, and that I didn't think that we should hang out cause' your selfish and you don't make me feel any better. Sometimes, you do. But not this time.
Have you called me once to see how I'm doing? No. WTF?
I fear that I am codependently in a relationship with a narcissist. I give the support and when I need it, I don't get it. Fuck you man. I am not going to call you first. I don't even have anything to say to you. Go fly a kite.
You certainly can tell me no in a round about way. I really wanted to borrow that laptop, you can go fly a kite too! Bitch.
Sorry for screaming at you. I hope we can still be friends, but we definately need space.
Aug 27 2006, 05:32 PM
dear new life:
please be ok.
the mr is so terribly kid-like excited to be doing you now.. like this is the total fulfilment of everything he ever imagined life would be when he was little but then was so sorely disappointed to find out that it wasn't really, except, now it's his chance for it To Be That.
and I am so excited and happy For Him.
maud. seeing him like this, it's like Christmas in late august, cooler than fantatstic.
however, there is so much unknown about you from my perspective.
virtually *everything* I have always known and experienced in and about the world up til now is now null and void and will be re-learned the New Way. after 14 years, that's asking a hell of a lot from an old cat.
truthfully, it's scary to me.
I don't like feeling blind and vulnerable.
in some ways, I am as anxious and excited as I was a novice wife years ago, ready to jump in & embrace the lifestyle, in others, maybe bc I have seen so much, I am dragging my feet bc to every shiny side, there is a duller flip side.
please be good for our relationship, both with each other and the mr's w/ the wee girl's.
there's a lot she won't know now about what he does, and that too is a huge change bc she's always prided herself on her knowledge of what Daddy does. am not sure how good I'm going to be at telling her less-truths bc from the time she was old enough to understand, I've always felt she deserved to know the facts. the dynamics of our fappy hamily is bound to change out of neccessity now.
please let it all be for the better that we come out of this stronger.
.. I feel like I am making a prayer here.. and maybe in some ways I am.
just be as good, or even nearly as good, or even maybe 1/2 way as good, as you appear to be, shining and bright around the corner please,
woman on the cusp
Aug 28 2006, 04:41 PM
Its two months later and I'm still angry. But not angry about what you think, I'm angry because no matter what, I know we can never be friends again. How could you believe him over me? How could you ever think I'd do that to you? Sometimes I wish I could wipe it all away and just be best-friends like we used to. But then the anger takes over and I'm glad it happened. At least now I know what our friendship was. It just hurts so much to think that someone who I thought was my best friend would ever believe something like that about me. And never come to me for the real story. He wanted to hurt you, why can't you see that?
Aug 28 2006, 11:40 PM
Dear you -
you fucking insensitive fucking asshole. I sent that message because I thought you'd care that she is fucking SERIOUSLY ILL, seeing as I'd introduced you to her way back. She's my fucking best friend. I don't know what I expected. I guess I expected some sort of response that would show that you are a human being and not a fucking insensitive, selfish numbnut who seems to go out of his way to prove to everyone else how fucking cool he is - oh but wait - I forgot that "everyone" only includes binge drinkers and ungrateful hos...not mature, cool people who can rise above their prejudices to have some human fucking compassion.
sorry I even fucking told you, you fucking asshole.
what a fucking waste you are.
Aug 29 2006, 07:43 AM
dear ms dentist-
please don't let it hurt too much today.
I am anxious to get the pain gone, but a total Chicken about how much it'll hurt!
I'll be a good patient ( as possible) if you be the best you can be too, mmmmm'k?
the woman who waited too long
Aug 29 2006, 08:26 AM
Hi there. How are you doing? I'm sorry if I don't ask that enough. Sorry I don't normally take a moment to consider your feelings. I'm afraid I take you for granted. Is that why you're cranky with me now? Is that why you're hurting me?
Well, I'm going to try to do better by you. I'll let you rest for a couple of days. Less time on the computer, less time reading. And I'll keep wearing my hideously thick glasses, too. And hopefully in a couple of days, you'll be ready to wear contacts again.
Aug 29 2006, 11:10 AM
Dear friend -
I love you
Aug 29 2006, 11:50 AM
I am sorry you are feeling so rotten today. And I am sorry my car is broke down and have to wait to take you to the Dr. Just hang in there my little angel. Momma is doing all she can.
Aug 29 2006, 11:58 AM
(((((Zoya and friend))))) Hoping for you both.
Aug 29 2006, 03:04 PM
I like you.
I like you so much that I even asked my cooler than cool dentist to take you on as a new patient, thus making her even busier and harder to get an appt with than already, but Please, do Not ask me to babysit your kids.
haven't we already had this talk? like the very first time we met for lunch?
my polite ' I'm not a kid person even tho I have a kid. I live by the ' I won't ask you/you won't then ask Me.' conversation. - REMEMBER??
I'm Sticking To That.
I feel really super uncomfortable coming right out & saying to you I don't babysit so stop asking but I might just have to.
and now you've made me feel as though you weren't genuinely concerned about the pain I've been in from my teeth (from when you asked before but I had a Legit excuse), bc now that you know I've been to the dentist, you've asked me to sit Again. like you were just waiting.
no no and N - O OOOOOOOOO. it that clear enough for you?
I'm sorry you're in a spot, but really honestly, I have a real phobia of watching other people's kids; who knows what homicidal issues might come up w/ me in charge and do you really want to risk it?
please don't make me sorry that I befriended you when you first moved out here;
if I had an actual Paying Job Outside The HOME I betcha I'd never ever get asked?
putting you on ignore & avoid stautus for awhile now,
clearly less than you'd hoped for, friend
ps: thankyou to Bust for providing this forum so I can vent here, and avoid being ugly in real life.
Aug 30 2006, 11:36 AM
I'm Not picking up bc I'm Not watching your kids.
it's not a cooincidence that you see my icon online & I haven't written you back nor returned your call.
get the hint.
whereever you are- could you kindly announce your whereabouts please?
5 stores visited live & in person today for naught.
this is not a game I am enjoying any longer, furniture fetish or not.
stupid store employee's:
did none of you see what a brilliant addition I'd be to your establishment?
did not One of you recognize what an outstanding eye for design and future trends (bc I Am Suzy Q Consumer) I have ??
granted, I was there to shop, but also to consider applying for work in the future, but oh well..
I need to go higher end anyway, which this hellhole doesn't seem to offer.
Aug 30 2006, 02:39 PM
Dear Uncle B,
My thoughts are with you and Aunt H through this. You've been through so much this past year. With H's cancer and now your heart. I wish I was closer so that I could help out some how.
Stuff all those memories back in there. We don't have time to deal with them right now. We've gotten this far by repressing them we can go another two months. Then they can all come out and we will deal with them accordingly. Now is not the time. You are already stressed enough. The racing heart, the clenched teeth, the temper, the inablity to be around people - it'll all go away once you get the stupid thing done. Now go do it!
Aug 30 2006, 03:32 PM
dear apartment gods,
thanks for not letting me be homeless in january.
dear roomate gods,
please let these people be nice, chill, clean enough, and open to me cooking. and not have horrible taste in music. seriously.
dear art gods,
I'm still waiting!!!
dear host family gods,
please let them be awesome. but i kind of think they will be.
dear ilx gods,
i need to waste time, so please let the server be up
dear friendship gods,
I mean, how much did i really fuck up besides being in a crappy mood?
please let things be fixed with her, cause we're going away together.
dear true love gods,
come on now. i'm being good. kind of.
dear following year gods,
oh let me not die. pleeease.
Aug 31 2006, 01:09 PM
mr rolly polly green grocer guy
sorry I missed you today, but when I saw that other manager-looking man, I did get up the courage to ask about you bc I was afraid you'd been transferred.
nope. you are still there, just not while I was shopping this time.
catch ya next time ~
grumpy grumpy grumble pants!
someone needs to turn that frown, upside down!
seriously. people go out of their way to be friendly with you, and you all but smack them back down.
is the public really So bad? ( I mean come on, it's not the same as working retail at a m a l l. )
I think you might be cool underneath that crabbiness.
give peace a chance?
customer # 3 today
== this probably needs to go in Our Bodies Our Hells but I wasn't sure which thread and needed to vent=
you're a jerk.
reproductively we just are Not seeing eye to eye.
why? bc in no Way can you ( were you even interested in giving it serious contemplation to start with) fathom how invasive and interrupting, the various methods of birth control I've used over the years has been. the foams and the chemicals and the pills and the pills and the pillllllllsssss that made me so SICK and now the wirey thingy that right now has me itching to forcibly remove myself if I allowed myself to dwell on it's being where it is for any time and yet when I suggested you get a vasectomy you say No Way?
and then after my carping you agree, but not for the right reasons!!
I want you to do it bc you realise it's Your Fair Share of the non-reproduction responsibilities.
I want you to be at the place where you can honestly say ' you know what honey? you're right.
you've carried the burden for the past 15 Years, it's my turn now.' and mean it.
it's O K for me to have endless #'s of strange dr's poking and prodding me.
it's O K for me to mindlessly swallow harsh drugs that make me gain and lose weight and throw up and put me at higher risk for heart attack and other things.
it's O K for me to get a shot injecting me with chemicals so Sever that I bled for 9 months straight and had blackouts among other lovely side affects?
and it'd be O K if I wanted to get my tubes tied I bet too.
what's a little stomack-gutting surgery on top of all that!
FURIOUS at you right now, and gosh damnit to hell want you to pull your head from your ass before I do it for you.
it's not even that I so much as actually want you to get it done.
it's the Premise.
and really, it hurts me deeper than you could guess that you'd even continue to be this way, after really Seeing Layed Out the history & difficulty I've gone throught For Us.
yes I am a part of that, but then, so are you, which is the whole point.
this makes me feel the women's movement was largely for little gain bc if I have my current method removed, I get pregnant.
this doesn't bother you though, bc YOU'RE NOT THE ONE WHO CARRIES AND RAISES IT.
I feel I have no control over my own body right now.
what decade am I trapped in?
going to cry now,
future ex mrs if you don't straighten up soon
Aug 31 2006, 02:02 PM
Get laid and get off my ass. So what if I'm ruder than you like? I dont care. Its the way I've always been and just recently you've turned into a little pansy who can dish it out but wont take it.
I dont want to deal with you.
I dont care how many multiparagraph emails you send me. I'm not sorry for being sarcastic to you when you were sarcastic to me.
Sep 1 2006, 05:00 AM
(((freckleface))) Your letter to your mister rocks. I might print it up and give it to my other half.
Sep 1 2006, 10:23 AM
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. This obsessing has been going on for months and it is starting to effect your health. The not sleeping. The upset stomach. And you know that the idiot isn't suffering. Nope. Not one bit. He's going about his life as per usual. Sometimes, bad deeds go unpunished. Sometimes good things happen to bad people. Sometimes karma does come back to kick evil doers in the ass. That's the way it goes, sometimes. And you're just going to have to accept it and move on. Because if you don't you will regret every moment of time you have wasted, every tiny sub-atomic particle of your energy that you have spent thinking about that arrogant narcissistic sleazy prick.
Think instead about all of the things in your life for which you are grateful: friends, family, health, steady income, home, vacations, books, music, theatre, sanity,... . Think of every f*&king little thing that makes your life a good one. And one of the little things that makes your life good is that you had the peace of mind to purge that prick from your personal life.
You took care of yourself and you're still taking care of yourself and if it means having to explicitly tell the guy (again), "I don't want to be involved in your personal life and I don't want you to be involved in mine" so be it.
Dear arrogant narcissistic sleazy prick,
Have a nice life with your self-absorbed and insecure wife.
Sep 1 2006, 07:47 PM
Dear landlords and building managers,
Why do you guys hate animals so much? My cat is awesome and has never caused damage to any places she has lived. It's making finding a place very difficult. It's like for every 10 ads half of them I can't afford, half of those are in bad locations, and the other half don't allow pets. I just want to move so I can feel at peace when I get home and have the space to continuing building the life I want along with my cat. I'm clean, quiet, have steady income and good references. This shouldn't be so hard.
Sep 1 2006, 07:54 PM
wow. just... wow. fuck off.
Sep 2 2006, 09:03 AM
Okay you fucking loon.
I think that I am getting over it because even the absences no longer rankle me now. I see you online doing stuff, and even though you removed the profile without my having to ask what is it going to take for you to start doing things which are above and beyond FUNDAMENTALLY RIGHT THINGS? I get this sneaking suspicion that you won't even be asking me to do something for, what would be, our year anniversary. Who knows. I don't even like thinking about the benefit of the doubt because then that gets me hopeful.
Yah. Even at my most self-loathing, I don't think this little of myself.
--The ID Ostrich Lady
Dear Math Teacher,
Wow, are you single? You're huge! I want to dress you up in Hessian gear and make you grunt Norwegian epitaths at passers-by whilst I tickle you like the Pilsbury Doughboy. Will you be my boyfriend? For now, my ideas about you suffice, but how in the fuck am I supposed to hit on you? This is when I start getting retarded and giggly. I am such a mammal sometimes...would you teach me how to play chess and do algorithms?
I'll rub your hairy back.
I'd do more if you were the last nice, gargantuan geek left single on the planet. Feh, even if you're not, it's still nice to have the universe affirm that there are NICE men running amok.
--The 3rd Floor English School Marm.
Sep 2 2006, 06:42 PM
kidette's friend's dad :
this is not ok.
she's a little girl.
leaving her alone til late late at night, bc you are so wrapped up in your new girlfriend and her kids is just wrong on too many levels to count.
you think she's so mature.
you think she's ok and doesn't mind.
guess what? she does!
I'm trying to bite my tounge and keep my opinions to myself, but come on- I've had your daughter here for the last 24 hours now, bc she doesn't feel she has a place with you right now.
she was so grateful to us that she actually started to clean a bathroom here when I was doing the house, bc she said she was aware of all we've done for her and wanted to pay us back.
- what kind of kid Voluntarily does that, unless she's scared she'll lose the place and wants to stay?
and don't think I don't realise what an easy off this is to you right now, so that you can be The' Man & the fake Step (future) Dad to the new woman w/out having to worry, or even remember, your Own child.
we're not doing this for You jerk-o, we're doing this for her.
we'd rather her hang w/ us here, even all weekend like this, than to be misplaced w/ the new woman's zillion kids, or left alone feeling scared.
she's a confused and lonely little girl who for all her grownup talk about understanding, is really missing her Dad right now.
she's so great and loves you so much, please don't blow it.
she's had enough shit in her life.
I know the time will come, rapidly at this rate, where you & I will have verbal blows about this but you know what? she's worth it to me to make you hear me out. stop thinking w/ your lower brain and more w/your heart again please,
Sep 5 2006, 05:13 PM
I'll miss ya. See ya on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.
R. I. P.
Sep 5 2006, 05:22 PM
Sep 5 2006, 06:25 PM
You will get better at handling those weird ackward moments. You can look them straight in their face and say, "Hey, asshole, fucktard, now why'd you go and say something like that for?!!"
And then if it feels right and good and your bigger, you can threaten to beat em' too, especially if its a gregarious girly girl and most definately if its a crushed out boy that doesn't get the hint.
So, it's not so terrible. Just accept this thing about yourself, love it, embrace it, or at least accept it. That way, other people can't knock the wind out of you when they notice it and comment on it or whatever.
Also, great, great job last week on staying present and focused and spiritually connected. Whoa!
Sep 5 2006, 06:34 PM
Sep 5 2006, 08:39 PM
Sep 5 2006, 10:21 PM
I really feel like I'm being treated unfairly. I'm trying to do all these things but get nothing but roadblocks. I want to spend one day loving all the amazing things in my life and not even think about crying. I swear I really am trying so super hard but it seems that it's not hard enough.
Find me an apartment for as soon as possible and let me see as little of T and C as possible. That's all I'm asking for right now. It's all I really need. You're making me think moving to my grandmas would be a good idea. that's how distressed I am about my living situation. please be nice and help.
Sep 6 2006, 03:29 AM
Sep 6 2006, 04:31 AM
(((treehugger))) and (((lady))))
that letter was beautiful.
Sep 6 2006, 08:07 AM
((((((gentle hugs treehugger)))))
Sep 6 2006, 07:33 PM
Dear most designers that I have come across today,
So, I have ample breasts. I hear that these kinds of breasts are desirable, considering that they appear so often in porn culture, are pawed at and get me smirks from random men.
I like my breasts and do not want to change them. However, if you continue to design clothing that will in no way accomodate this part of my body, I will have nothing to wear! Come on, people! I need some new shirts that don't strain, that I can button up, that don't attract unwanted attention from disapproving coworkers and that don't flood around my waist if they fit my chest. ARGH!
Sep 6 2006, 09:04 PM
Word, lady. I have often felt the same.
Dear Samuel Beckett,
While I enjoy some of your work (Play and Not I come most readily to mind), I must say I am mighty sick of you being held up as the be-all and end-all of modern drama. Absurdism, mayhaps, but the number of times I have been required to read Waiting for Godot, weighed against the number of times I have NOT been required to read Wendy Wasserstein or Paula Vogel or Honor Moore...well, sir, I realize you are not responsible for the misogyny of the theatre, but I do heartily wish my professors, mostly male and the stereotypical woman-hating theatre snot, would try to see a bit beyond you. Especially when you yourself have rejected most, if not all, of the symbolic theories raised about your work. You meant what you say, and all this searching deeper is a waste of bloody time. As you said, if you meant God, you would have said God. The dude's name was Godot and it's been overdone.
I get it. Pessimism, human condition bleak, human emotions and actions repetitive, not realizing any true change. I get it, honestly. I'm just sick of having to get it, along with Brecht and Sophocles and Ibsen and Ionesco and Miller and all the other Dead White Men. There's a big effing world of drama out there, and not every single worthwhile bit was written by penis-people.
Frustrated and annoyed and wasting her time,
Sep 7 2006, 06:17 AM
For the last while with all that's been going on, I have been missing you and worried for you and concerned about what's the best move for you. I've missed you more tangibly than usual and have resolved to make the time we spend together more fun in more ways than one. It's gotten too workmanlike around here... and despite the situation, life is for living.
I've also been worried about what moving would mean to me, and have woken so often in the middle of the night in fear that I know moving is not right for me now. Rationally, because of work opportunities and the potenial wrath of my funders; irrationally because I have moved house over 30 times in my life and will not do it again, until it's to someplace which is also offering me a good job.
None of which I've had the chance to tell you while we've been apart. So now I'm worried about that too.
But then you had to bite my head off for something that is your fault. So now I just think you're a dick and a cheapskate.
See you soon,
I love you. You'll get me out of this limbo I know.
Sep 7 2006, 06:39 AM
it's ok to feel the way you do about the upcoming anniversary.
you are a soldiers wife. the risks were tangible and emotional and regretfully, on-going.
be sad for what happened but resolved in the life you chose to oppose it happening again.
the true warrior fights not for what is in front of him, but for what is behind him.
the mr's new job will be what it is. you can't change that either way.
he is happy in it so far. is happy, for the first time in years, to be getting up & going to work each day.
relish that, take comfort in that, and please please, try not to think too hard about the new things you know about it. those things scare you. just realising just now what you didn't realise you knew- Forget it!
learn not ask him about his day anymore, bc of what he really might tell you.
and yes, go ahead and cry, like right now, when the Enormity of it hits you again, what he's done to us in his changing.
you're resilient and strong, and will grow into this to find peace with it over time,
gentle hugs & loving intentions,
Sep 7 2006, 07:54 AM
I just don't care about you anymore. I should try so hard to never offend with my own opnions and statements of my goals and feeling good about myself when you're just hustling all day long? when you just run hysterical lines of bullshit and have several people you keep on the string and we're supposed to care desperately for your approval? You're a stupid queen on a stupid throne or something? And always the same *issue* coming up, again and again and again.
we're supposed to rally around you and pick you up every time you fall and fall yet again, and every time you are standing, you're a prima donna full of yourself imperious butthole, demanding and demanding and demanding until someone rejects you again and you lose yet again and then you're down in the hole and then you blubber all over the place how it isn't fair and the world owes you blah blah ad nauseum.
Believe it or not, I have my own needs and anxieties and goals and I need my own status and money, and I need to get things DONE in a substantial way without being burdened by yet another Queen-Hyena-screaming-for-more-other-people's-submissiveness *SQUAT*
Your own sleazy greed and cruelty is causing and exacerbating your own mental illness and physical illness and ruining your own relationships. No one else is at fault, now or EVER. Deal with yourself.
Sep 8 2006, 07:48 PM
Don't you dare call me dependent.
I'll show you "dependent" motherfucker. Dependent on not giving a shit about *you*.
Do you even know what I have been though. I don't even bother putting a question mark after that question because clearly you don't know. You're just a typical stupid insensitive male who might have control issues.
I want to erase all your text messages that fill up my phone, but after reading them all last night and falling into a pathetic heap of sobbing tears, I felt I wasn't ready to get rid of them yet. A part of me still wants to hang on and remember how beautiful everything once was.
I won't text you, or call you again. If I DO decide to text you, it will be part of a plan to make your whole life fall apart. To make you sit and think about me and what I may mean to you. You don't dare call me things like "dependent" with such disdain and think you can get away with it. Don't you dare think you are the one in control here and that you have me hanging by a thread like a goddamn puppet. I am going to be the one who leaves YOU hanging. You don't just claim you love somebody and 1) don't talk to them about your issues or 2) do a 360 degree turn without explaining why.
You have made me so angry right now and all I can do to deal with this is just spit words at you by writing this letter. God, I felt so independent without you. Don't you fucking well understand that being involved in a relationship makes one vulnerable and that is the risk everybody who decides to have one, takes.
I won't pick up the phone if you ring. I won't text you. I won't think of you. I won't miss you. I WILL, however, pretend you don't exist.
FUCK I just want to end it with you. But somehow I'm still giving you a chance...I'm BELIEVING that we can once go back to what we were, and yes I will put up a fight and try to make that happen, because I don't seem to give up easily. No matter how many times I want to take a way out of life, a large part of me continues to believe that love will conquer all. That is what I have grown up to believe.
You don't mess with me and think you can get away with it.
Sep 9 2006, 12:21 AM
it has gotten better. a little. but only because i am full throttle trying to be and do and can put the pain of you on mute for the time being. i miss your way of holding me. your way of fucking me. your way of knowing that i can't find anywhere else, no matter how assiduously i track it down.
and now when i am drunk and horny and lonely i think of you and ache. and think it's me it's me it's me i should have been more x and less y and then you would still be with me, somehow.
really. the party is literally 10 yards from your desk and you are hiding out? just go out and mingle. c'mon
Sep 9 2006, 12:49 AM
dear fuckers at the bank.
thank you for being such total and complete assholes.
thanks for saying those things about me in public, at a place i used to work, within hearing range of one of my friends.
i appreciate the wake up call, really.
it's true, i'm Not like you. i Am different, thank you for noticing and pointing it out in your oh-so-delicate way.
the depression that your thoughtless actions have triggered in me will be the catalyst to propel me forward into my real life. i don't know what i was thinking to join you in that corporate hell for a few more dollars an hour. it isn't worth it, to become like you. bitter, miserable, loveless, judgmental, intolerant people. because you are so unhappy yourselves.
thank you for freeing me to heed the call, to be drawn by the deeper pull of what i truly love. to more fully Become what i truly love.
it ain't y'all, that's for damn sure!
Sep 9 2006, 07:42 PM
Hang in there until tomorrow. I'll be there early. If you can't wait, I understand. Please know that I love you.
Sep 9 2006, 08:02 PM
Sep 9 2006, 08:39 PM
Mom says that you told her that I have to call you about the money you owe me. Why? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Especially considering that I've spent hundreds of dollars on you over the last 4 months & I am still paying for your car insurance? Gimme a break, man. Get your own insurance policy for your car. When you've got that straightened out, we can make financial arrangements. And when that happens, I expect you to be the first one to pick up the phone.
Your unemployed-yet-more-financially-responsible sister
Sep 9 2006, 09:10 PM
Okay you are officially an asshole. How dare you insult Sonic Youth to me and then tell me I'm faking being sick. Guess what? I faked being interested in you fucktard. Your little joke about your dick being 2 inches is probably true. Thank goodness I'll never find out. Asshole.
G, I know you're an ex. But I keep dreaming about you lately and really want to fuck your brains out. I know this is bad for me, but we were so good at it!
Dear self, please quit dreaming about exes. They are exs for a reason. Don't worry about random work review, because all this job is is really just a paycheck until you find something out west in either Washington or Oregon.
Job gods, I am updating my resume this weekend. Please send me some good leads. Please!
Mel, I hate the fact that you're my blood. But, you're my bitchy sister. I wonder if you're happy with your life and your husband. Do you even think about me? I'm doing good. No longer homeless. Have a shit job and a shit apartment, but at least I'm better than last year. Seizures are still happening, but they happen none the less. I know the wedding was total whack, and parents are still nuts. But shit. I miss you. You're still my sister. However, you're probably enjoying your "new" family of crazy inlaws. I swear there is enough great material for me to write a great off broadway play from that somewhere. Please don't sue me over it if I ever write it.
Sep 10 2006, 09:50 AM
Sep 10 2006, 05:18 PM
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I meant it when I said I wish I had never met you. Oh god, how I wish I never met you. I've been dealing with this sh*t for 6 GODDAM YEARS. 6 years of mostly misery and waiting for you to call and waiting for you to come here and dealing with the disappointment and your flakiness. We are goddam MARRIED, I already know that doesn't mean much to you, but still it's true, isn't it? I've dealt with you leaving, coming back, leaving again...three times. It's not that hard to call when you say you are going to. You say I have no rights over you and you have a sick twisted notion of what it means to be committed to someone. You've known I've been here for you pretty much the whole time. I can't believe how my life has turned out. You've caused pain not only to me, but to those who love me, who have to see me sickened and twisted into knots over you and lonely, even my 86 year old grandmother who only wants to see me happy. She tells me I'm beautiful and intelligent and don't need to be like this, and she's right. No matter how I've acted with you I've always been available and loyal and here for you, and you cannot say the same. I've supported you for two goddamn years while you've not worked and not tried to build a life here, and you don't even appreciate it. I'm so sick of it and done, and I'm getting so close to calling it off for good. I'm shaking here, again waited for you to call, again nothing. WHy do I do this for you? You are so not worth it at all, and I know it. You are going to lose me, and whether you realize one day how much you've thrown away, it doesn't matter, I have to start my life over and I have to be ok without you. Damn you.
Sep 11 2006, 12:56 PM
all other busties.*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sep 11 2006, 01:09 PM
Hey you. Yeah, you. Fucker. Fuck you, you fucking fuck. You hear me? Fuck off.