Jul 24 2007, 02:44 PM
I know someone in that situation, except that the genders are reversed. They ended up working it out so that she's allowed to kiss other girls, but nothing more than that, and only when he's there. I don't know if something like that would work for you, but it seems like it would be a good idea to set some parameters, and also reassure him that you're generally okay with the situation.
Jul 24 2007, 04:10 PM
As a bisexual woman I can tell you that when I first realized it I had no idea. Some of the people in my life where not particually suprised, I guess they knew me better than I knew myself. It doesn't mean you didn't know who he was, he was obviously uncertain himself. Sure a label on his sexuality is an aspect of him, but it doesn't mean he is now a totally different person, and he's already claimed he still feels the same way he did about you before this revelation.
I realize this is a big deal to you, and it was for him too. Its not easy to realize and admit to yourself and others that, 'no I'm not straight.' I'm sure it was very difficult for him to tell you this. He obviously cares deeply about you to share this. I can tell you I only told my closest friends for the first year an a half after realizing I was bisexual.
Jul 24 2007, 04:19 PM
Hi likeanyother, I'm delurking because I have some experience with a similar situation. My college boyfriend revealed that he was bi after we had been dating for a few months. It was a huge surprise, but after awhile I came to see it as a plus that he knew himself well enough to know exactly what turned him on, and to be able to admit it even though he could easily live a "straight" life if he wanted, because he was more attracted to women than men. I think it's great that your boyfriend trusts you enough to tell you what he's been thinking, because I think it's so tough for men to come to terms with something like that.
That said, I know it must be tough and confusing for you, like "ok, now what?" I don't think things necessarily have to change. When someone enters into a monogamous relationship, they necessarily give up all the other varieties of people (including personalities, body shapes, lifestyles, genders etc.) out there, whether it's one gender or two that they're into. So I wouldn't think it would affect his ability to be satisfied with you. He's with you because you're the whole person that's most attractive to him!
He probably wants to feel more comfortable in his bi identity, though, and that might mean talking openly with you about his interest in men and having that validated. For my ex, that meant talking a lot about fantasies. I actually came to love this because we could talk about our crushes, and say, "ooh, did you see his muscles?" or "ooh, she was totally flirting with you!" and it was this fun, shared thing between the two of us, instead of something that made the other worry or feel insecure. We ended up having a really rich fantasy life together and it made for great sex! It was also a really beautiful thing to see him get more comfortable with himself the more he saw that I accepted him. He got more and more confident and I found that really attractive.
I hope that helps some. I think it can be a really interesting development in a relationship if you can get comfortable with it. I'm sure your boyfriend realizes that you have a lot of things you're wondering about, so definitely ask him questions and talk to him about it (in an open way) until you feel more comfortable. Good luck!
Jul 25 2007, 07:51 AM
Hey, thanks all, this has been immensely helpful. Since he hasn't told anyone else about this, I haven't been able to talk to my friends about it, as I know it's up to him, not me, who he choses to come out to. It really helps to know other people have been in this situation and have made it work. Since finding out about it, my reactions/emotions have pretty much run the gamut from 'this is over, it will never work' to 'this is could be fun...'
It's conicidental that I just finished reading that Bisexual Politics book by Jennifer Baumgardner, although that was mostly about female bisexuality, it's just weird when (what was to me) the political becomes personal. I think that's probably part of the reason he was so hurt that I had such a strong reaction, he knew I was reading that book, so that may have made him feel more comfortable telling me about it, and he probably expected me to be more okay with it. But after letting it settle in, and reading your advice (especially from momo you were very helpful, thanks) I realize that it's not a betrayal, that he's still the same person, and it actually is a positive thing that he trusts and feels close enough to me to tell me about it. So thanks again, you guys rock.
I only fall in love and have relationships w/men, but enjoy exploring curvy women's bodies. When sexing men, I often feel like they're the ones calling the shots, but with women, it feels equal and empowering. I don't care for pussy, but somehow I love all sizes of boobies in my mouth. All the kisses I've had with women have been good too.
Aug 8 2007, 01:00 AM
yes women are the best kissers.
Aug 8 2007, 12:45 PM
I'm not necessarily in disagreement, but I have kissed a few girls that were not very good kissers on either of my lips. It's all chemistry anyway... and learning one another. And if you care about the person. I consider myself straight, I guess... cause I've never fallen in love with a girl. But, I don't mind being with a girl. It's been a while, though.
Aug 14 2007, 08:37 AM
Hello all, just wanted to say hi. I found out I was bi 3 years ago, at the age of 35. It's a long and somewhat painful story that maybe I'll get into another time, but in the meantime I'll be reading your posts with interest!
Hello there DJ biz monkey and Knorl! Wow, familiar "faces!"
Aug 14 2007, 10:02 AM
Moonpieluv I agree its all about chemistry when it comes to sex and kissing. If your not into them, its not happening.
The woman I am dating is a fabulous kisser
Hello karategrrl, I'm bi too, I was 23 when I came out.
Aug 31 2007, 03:52 AM
I've been watching this board for a while and (to use a phrase I've seen) I'm now delurking...
Ok my question might seem a bit odd but how can you tell if you're bisexual?
I went to an all-girls school in England where all the girls I knew were really comfortable being very intimate with one another which was something I never thought of as being sexual until I started university last year and people asked me if I was gay. Also, having grown up in a very open-minded large city I was shocked at how conservative a small campus was and everyone wanted me to define my sexuality whereas previously it had never been questioned, it was more like "you are what you are" and nobody minded. I know I'm not a complete lesbian since I'm attracted to and have been involved with guys but I have had crushes on girls. I previously thought that this was normal, especially when I had crushes on girls on tv (aren't you meant to be attracted to almost every character on Lost for example?!?!) but I've also had crushes on girls I've known personally. I've only kissed other girls and have not had thoughts of taking it further until very recently...
I'm worried about exploring this side of my sexuality since to do so would mean that all my uni-friends would label me and although my friends from home probably wouldn't bat an eyelid they're too far away to be any real support. Plus do I need to take this further when there isn't a specific person that I am attracted to right now. My head feels like it may explode but I used to believe that most people could be attracted to people of either gender if they were close enough but people at uni have proved me wrong.
Argh... I thought uni was meant to be where people were more open-minded not less so. They should write it on the prospectus. "Fabulous reputation, wonderful degrees, luscious campus and nice little boxes to fit each student"
Ok, so rant over. Any advice?
Sep 1 2007, 06:55 PM
callani, i was in a similar mind set when i was younger, i was attraced, to people, not by there gender, and thought it was absolutely natural to just be attracted to who you are attracted to. my best advice, is to just not take labels too seriously because it will just make you more confused, and since you already seem somewhat comfortable with your sexuality, there is no need for it. anyone who asks you to define sexuality to a T isnt worth having a romantic or physical relationship with anyhow. more power to you and your openess
Sep 1 2007, 08:08 PM
Callani, I agree with tankgirl on this. I think people are overly concerned with labeling.. and when you label yourself bisexual there comes all those people who say things like, you should pick one. so I can defintely understand your hesitation in labeling yourself. If people ask, I'll tell them yes, I'm bisexual. I've always been attracted to both men and women. It never occured to me until I was in my 20's and realized that not all women were checking out other women and being attracted to them. I ended up at a university that was thankfully more open minded, and rather laid back. People didn't ask you to define your sexuality either. I'm sorry to hear that your university seems so close minded. Is there any kind of clubs or organizations in the area where you could get a good support system, meet some like minded folk? there's got to be a few people on your campus or in the surrounding city that perhaps is more open minded. I hope.
Sep 2 2007, 03:19 AM
Thank-you Tankgirl and Muffy for your support. I've been looking around and have discovered there's an LGTB society only 20 minutes away from where I live so I'll be going there at some point in the near future. Hopefully I'll find some more open minded people there...
Sep 21 2007, 08:02 PM
Hi all, I'm fairly new to posting on bust and I wanted to join in this thread. I'm a bi girl in a kind-of poly relationship with my boyfriend and another woman. The three of us are also raising a kid too. My boyfriend is currently figuring out his own sexuality as well and we are pursuing a relationship where we can both "date" someone (girl or guy) together. It's an interesting process to work through all of this, and be totally honest and clear with each other at all times. We've tried swinging and it did.not.work. at all. So yeah, I'm looking forward to talking about this stuff with other people who are bi.
Oct 16 2007, 08:16 PM
rainface, good luck & welcome.
I'm dating a woman right now who wants an open relationship. I've yet to truely figure out how I feel about this. I could be seeing other people, but I'm a little shy in that department so I haven't met anyone other than her, however I'm pretty sure she is seeing other people. she seems to have quite the full social calender, I feel like she needs to 'pencil me in' for dates. I haven't seen her in almost three weeks and I'm a bit sad about it.
Many of my friends question this open relationship concept. Nothing else, dating wise has ever worked for me. I've ever been in love, where feelings were reciprocated anyways, usually I'm crazy about them and they aren't, or vice versa... and I'm 30! so I'm just seeing how it goes.
Oct 19 2007, 02:38 PM
Hi Muffy, thanks for the welcome. That is sad that you haven't seen your partner for a while. I think my boyfriend and I are trying to share another relationship with someone else because it makes us sad to think about one of us going out and dating without the other. It's definately a process as we figure out what works for us. I wish you luck with figuring out the open relationship stuff, I know I'm working on it. I feel like it really helps to talk with other people who are dealing with different, non-mainstream types of relationships so I can get a better idea of what I need and want.
Oct 19 2007, 04:53 PM
Hey, sorry to butt in, but your very interesting discussion reminded me of something. I was wondering if any of you have seen the documentary "Three of Hearts". It follow a threesome (two men and a woman) through their unusual relationship for some 10 years or so. It's a really beautiful film. I think they capture the human experience very well. I have been in an open relationship before, and it doesn't work for me, but I know that it truly does for some people. It's really amazing to see this relationship and how it changed over the years. Definitely check it out if you haven't already seen it....
Oct 20 2007, 03:39 AM
anyone have any tips for girls who like both boys and girls, hitting on girls who like girls? the fucking bisexual bias makes me CRAZY. i can't even START to articulate it. and i hate making the first move...but i feel like if i don't, they'll never know i like them. but i also feel like if i do make a move (which i will have to be drunk to do, as i would have to be with a straight boy as well) i will get written off as a "two beer queer". I FUCKING HATE THIS. SO FUCKING MUCH I CANNOT EVEN START TO EXPLAIN.
Oct 20 2007, 07:47 PM
I've never seen Three of Hearts...I'll have to check it out. That's not the threesome movie with one of the Baldwins is it?
Mouse, your post made me feel all "theoretical" when I read it and started thinking about my own experiences meeting and approaching people. In my experience, it seems like a lot of lesbians have had to work really hard to establish their identity and sexuality and they (understandably) feel very protective of it. I really feel that social culture and dominant power structures put a ton of pressure on sexual minority groups so that groups turn on each other. It reduces the amount of power that we have to make change (let alone meet cute girls). End woman studies moment...
Seriously though, I been dabbling in online dating with my boyfriend as we look for someone to date together, and both men and women seem to be sort of freaked out by what we are looking for. They want one but not both of us... if we were looking for others to participate in an open relationship I think people would be more interested. Sorry about the rambling...it's just nice to have a place to put my thoughts down.
Oct 20 2007, 09:56 PM
so yeah, the bisexual bias. and i hate that term even more so now that that fucking myspace girl's mtv dating show is making it look even more horrible.
i am a picky girl. i rarely get crushes on guys, i rarely get crushes on girls. rarely do any of my crushes EVER work out. not only am i picky, i'm debilitatingly shy when it comes to people i am attracted to. so i have this vicious cycle of liking someone, being too shy to make myself known, them being completely oblivious to my affections, and therefore feeling like no one ever ever ever likes me, which only makes it that much harder to make myself known the next time. add to this the dynamic of bi girl to lesbian, and it just gets seventy million times worse. since the assumption is that bi girls just hook up with girls but never date them, i feel like i have to know that i would like marry someone in order for me to even justify hitting on them, because if for whatever reason it ends up being a one time or short lived thing, it will be assumed that this is because i don't, actually, like girls and am just a whorey bisexual. i don't know how to get past this; it feels like a catch 22 and i hate it. i've never actually had the opportunity to have sex with a girl, and i feel like the longer i put it off, the less confident i am, and the less chance of it ever happening. it. fucking. sucks.
does anyone else feel this way, or have any suggestions on getting past it?
Oct 22 2007, 12:03 AM
hi mouse! (it's a pleasure to be crossing paths with you in more threads
yes, that bisexual bias is unfortunate... though at the same time, i think i can understand it. i'd probably only have to get burned a couple times by girls who got involved with me, and then called it off, before i'd have a wary/bad attitude about it too. anyway, i'm in the same boat, in that i KNOW i'm into men, and THINK i'm into women sometimes, but have never had an experience with a woman. i spoke to some lesbian friends about the topic, and the advice they gave is to 1.) be up front about your orientation from the beginning and 2.) DON'T use the term "bi-curious" but rather just say that you're "questioning".
i do think that putting the facts out there from the very beginning works. last night i met a cute girl (like i said in the "crush" thread), told her from the get-go that i'm straight but finding myself also into chicks lately, and she ended up giving me her email address and asking me to get in touch. (which i just did! cross yer fingers for me, eh? though i really don't know what i want out of this...)
ETA: oh, i didn't know about the "bi girls just hook up and don't date" stereotype-- in fact, i'd heard the opposite one: "bi girls will go out with you for a while but chicken out when it comes to getting it on". haha, awesome, screwed either way
but it seems to me like maybe a "3 date rule" or something might help-- eg, go out with a chick at least 3 times before getting it on, then she won't think you're just out for a hook-up --?
Oct 22 2007, 01:57 AM
hi octi! yay for contacting the chick! woo!
i hear what you're saying. i consider myself everything that "bisexual" means (i'd say i'm a 2 or 3 on the kinsey scale
) , but i HATE that term. i hate having to say it, because it sounds so gross. i would prefer simply to say, i'm into girls and boys. i hate the term "questioning" as well, because that was what i did at like 15. i don't question my orientation anymore; i've made out with and had crushes on enough girls to know i like girls (i've just never had the opportunity to take it further
) . the term "bi-curious" makes me throw up in my mouth. i am kind of of the opinion that you don't need to know what gender i'm into unless i'm into you, because it doesn't play into my life any other way.
i feel like explicitly stating "i'm bisexual" is gross; it sounds like i'm bragging or saying something no one asked to know. at the same time, it's fuckin hard to try to hit on someone if they don't know you even are attracted to their gender. i guess i'm pretty much consistently bad at showing that i'm attracted to someone, and coming out and saying "by the way, girl, i like girls" seems kind of obnoxious.
right now i'm developing a Big Crush on my friend's friend who i just met, and it's frustrating because when i met her, my friend was talking about maybe boy and then when we hung out this weekend, i had to give them the update. so she knows i like guys, but i don't know how to make it known that i don't JUST like guys without being totally tactless. i want to play this one delicately, but i'm at a loss. girl actually stated that she tends to date bisexuals, which is HELL of promising, and to which i responded with a very charged "oh REALLY!!" but we were all drunk and other friend busted in on the convo before anything else could be said about it.
Oct 22 2007, 03:29 AM
mouse, it seems like your Big Crush situation is a great one, because you can have your friend help it along! can you ask her to hint to (or straight up inform) CrushGirl that you're into her?
as far as more subtle/natural stuff goes: i dunno, can you practice being flirtatious and sexually forward on people you're not attracted to?
hehe. (it makes it easier for the real thing.) lately i find myself dealing with awkward or crappy situations by just flirting with the person-- like, say there's some weird boring old guy trying to talk to me about aeroflaut airlines (eg, tonight!), i'll just get all jokey and flirtatious and at least *i'm* amused for a few minutes
oh god, never mind that, that's TERRIBLE advice, don't ever listen to me!
btw, i like your choice to say "i like both girls and boys"-- classy, and doesnt stick you with some crappy loaded adjective.
Oct 31 2007, 10:12 AM
Lately I've been classifiying myself as "i like both girls and boys" as well. I hate the bisexual/bi-curious stereotype... though I'm not so sure if saying "i like both girls and boys" is freeing me of said stereotype.
mouse, good luck with the crush
The girl I like is driving me insane! Today she text messaged me that she's going to come visit me at work, but upon finding out I'm not there, I took the day off.. now there's no time to see me elsewhere and she's not feeling "social"- what the F ??? A few weeks back, I was certain that she was completely disinterested and asked that if she were to tell me and that I'd never bother her again. She "claims" to be interested but frequently acts like she's not. She says she doesn't have time, she's busy, she works alot, ect. ect. blah blah. I'm sorry but I have friends who work just as much as she does, and I've seen them more than I've seen her, they make time! Am I wrong in assuming that if you are truely interested in someone that you would find time to see said person?! is that too much to ask?! She doesn't seem to get it. I haven't really said these exact words to her, but I've let her know I'm interested, I send her messages every once in awhile. I feel like beating my head against a wall! The other day she said she was thinking of me, but rather than pick up a phone or anything she waited until I contacted her?
Nov 28 2007, 04:54 PM
*skips into thread*
I have a crush on a girl! And so far she seems rather interested in me too. Score. Still, all this is just based on email exchanges so there's no need for me to get *too* giddy yet. But I do suspect I'll be back around this thread!
Good vibes to the other queer-ish busties! Muffy, any developments for you?
*skips out, stops skipping, leaves to go back to work*
Dec 2 2007, 10:56 AM
_octinoxate, hey flirty emails are always fun. I tend to get overly excited when someone sounds interested even if it is via email and I have to keep telling myself not to get my hopes up... but I do. Right now I've been talking to a few girls via email so far nothing to get excited about has happened most send an email or two and disappear into cyberspace
Though I've been busy looking for another job and trying to get my life to a point that I don't hate it, so maybe its just as well right now. I was really hurt over the last girl too... however some dates would be really really nice.
Dec 2 2007, 05:40 PM
i kissed her!!
me and the woman i'd been emailing with have gone on three dates now-- the third of which i just got home from-- and i just kissed her for the first time. it was such a sweet, soft little kiss (if awkwardly executed!) -- SOOOO unlike any man i've smooched. i really liked it, which i guess bodes well for the me-not-being-totally-straight thing
muffy, i'm sorry that the girl you like is being inconsiderate. (is that still going on?) i agree with you: if someone really does care about you, they FIND time for you even if they don't think they have it. people prioritize, you know? anyway, i hope the new email crush girls work out better than that.
i have a feeling that i'll be around this thread more often. (at least, i hope i reason to!)
Dec 5 2007, 05:18 PM
_octinoxate, yahhh for kissing girls!!!
yeah the girl and I are no longer seeing each other its been over for awhile. nothing on the dating front just some flirty chats via IM. It seems like every time I sign on to talk to one girl, she doesn't end up signing on, but I end up chatting with entirely different girl so it all works out I suppose.
Dec 6 2007, 10:45 PM
hi muffy and mouse, how are you ladies?
so, i started to go off on some stuff in the crush thread that is more appropriate here. can we talk?
i've been seeing this woman for--god, i guess it's only been a week! it seems like more. we've gone out five times and always had fun. she's fabulous, i like her, she apparently likes me. cool. but there's just a couple things i'm trying to wrap my head around:
1. i'm totally spazzy and awkward! i never realized it before 'cause i generally had a.) a man making the moves, or b. ) a man who was surely going to be receptive to my move-making. but now? she's not making advances on me, and i'm so dorky about trying to make them myself. i just end up asking her, "can i kiss you?" and maybe that's cute at first, but uh, i want to be smooth. but without pressuring her! i have a new empathy for men and the expectations/roles they deal with. how the hell do you seduce a woman?
2. i'm wondering if i'm gay enough for her. i feel like maybe she's not making moves because she doesn't want to freak me out, and/or she doesn't want to get too involved with me in case i turn out to be straight. after all, i'm not exactly a proven commodity. she's asked me a couple of times what the story is with my "experimentation"- eg, why i'm doing it, how this came about, etc. i've been honest with her, and she hasn't disappeared... but she still seems to be holding back. (but then, is that just how women generally are, taking things slow? i'm kinda easy so i wouldn't know!
) ) i don't want to hurt her if we get involved and i turn out to be not so into it (a possibility, though it doesn't seem too likely). on the other hand, i don't want to totally miss the chance to date/ get with/ get to know her because of concerns she might have.
3. sex. but damn, i'll wait and cross that bridge if/when i come to it!
any thoughts/experience with any of this? hell, even if you don't have experience "seducing" a woman, i'm sure you have experience being seduced
what works? what doesn't? any memorable lines/moments/smooth moves?
Muffy, anything happening with your online ladies? mouse- what is new?
Dec 7 2007, 06:37 PM
octi-since i was in a ltr with a woman in my 20s, perhaps i can be of some help. my ex and i were just pretty open to talking about our concerns with each other. especially in the beginning. but, it could've been cause we were each others first loves. my ex was comfortable with me being bi cause she knew i was committed to her. the key word is commitment. cause if you are committed to a relationship, then it doesn't matter sexual orientation. but, i'm well aware of the lack of trust with bi women. what has she said about her views on this topic? and the sex thing...well, the ex was the first woman i was sexually with and everything worked out fine there. you kinda just need to go with the flow. and perhaps check out some websites...although...i don't know of any off the top of my head...i just kinda improvised the whole thing...and she never complained..
Dec 7 2007, 09:16 PM
_octinoxate, whoo hoo a week, are you ready for the uhaul (sorry lezzie joke couldn't resist)? Every woman just like every man is different. some will make a move on you on the first date some may wait a bit longer like after they are certain about how you feel about them. My ex and I seen each other for a good month before we ever became an item or ever kissed. "can i kiss you?" is cute and I would probably fall for it. The first woman I ever kissed, it was a first date and I made the move, she was flirting with me the entire time so I figured what the hell. I kind of hugged her first then made my way towards the kissing part. it worked she didn't slap me.
As for sex I got some books for you!
"box lunch" by Diana Cage. Is the best for girl on girl action step by step
"The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips " Rebecca Chalker is helpful as well more about your girl part but very useful knowledge. both have illustrations and are very quick reads.
I may have a date. one of the ladies I've been chatting with asked if I'd like to continue our conversation face to face!!! Of course I'm going to be out of town this weekend so hopefully she'll wish to meet during the week
Dec 7 2007, 09:20 PM
After two horribly failed female-female relationships, I decided it wasnt for me anymore - Even though the sex was great. Now I'm married to a wonderful guy. I dont know what I was doing wrong, or if it was just an awkward phase for me. But I"m so glad its over!! LOL To each, her own, but I would never do it again.
Dec 7 2007, 10:10 PM
octi! so effing exciting!
i don't have much advice for you since i don't have more experience than you, but just go with the flow sounds good. worrying about the bi vs lesbian thing is not going to help you OR her. i know what you mean, though--there's so much suspicion and trepidation about bi girls that you feel like you have to be ready to MARRY someone before you even make a move in case you decide that you're not actually into it--because it'll automatically get blamed on your sexuality rather than if you liked the PERSON, had good chemistry, etc. however, if you think about this shit it'll drive you crazy. you'd never think like that with a guy, so why bother? there's going to be that element of "what if it doesn't work--i might hurt them--OR i might get hurt" in ANY relationship, so don't worry about it.
just relax. and yeah, if she's not being aggressive, you probably should be. if you've already made out with her you KNOW she likes kissing you, so there's no reason not to go for it when you feel it! i feel like i'm stepping on shaky ground saying this, but i think ladies sometimes have a tendency to reach a stalemate staring into each others eyes, or whatever, instead of actually GETTIN' IT ON. take action!
as for sex--i've yet to go down (heh) that road myself, but i imagine it's pretty intuitive. my first time with a boy wasn't that difficult and i already know how girlparts work so i figure i've got a leg up in that department to begin with
i hope this works out! it's so exciting to vicariously live through you. now, i have to go get ready for a party tonight at *my* girlcrush's house. i am sure nothing will happen because i have had absolutely no sign that i have even crossed her radar in the crush department, but won't hurt to look festive, yeah?
good luck everyone!
Dec 8 2007, 10:02 AM
"box lunch." heh. great title.
Dec 10 2007, 12:28 AM
mouse, i feel like i have a kindred spirit in you.
i'm going through a bit of an identity crisis. i've dated boys as long as i've been dating, but i've been into girls since high school- just too shy to do anything about it, for the most part. two hookups w/ females in college, but 1 was in a threesome and the other was trying to get me into a threesome. at this point, i KNOW i'm into girls, and i THINK i'm into guys as well, but there's not the same attraction.. i haven't had the desire to be with a guy in at least 2 years. of course, i'm painfully shy, tremendously antisocial, and often consumed by my job, which doesn't help in the finding-a-lady department. i know there's one gay bar in my town (in ms), but i'm too shy to go to any bar alone, much less a gay bar. i've been trying to get up the courage.. of course, do i really want to meet somebody at a bar? it's not something i've ever done before, and i feel like maybe bar-hookups tend to be of the short term variety? totally clueless am i, in case you haven't noticed.
anyhoo, just venting i guess..
Dec 10 2007, 03:21 AM
look and see if there's a lez online community for your area. in vancouver, it's superdyke.com and i've made a few brilliant friends (and a short-term lover) on there and there are not-bar places to meet them- in vancouver there is a dyke softball team. do you know any gay or female-oriented sex stores? they might have resources for you. (in vancouver as well i would be thinking of places like Little Sisters or Womyn's Ware) Although i don't know if going into a sex store when you're shy is easy for you.
So, even though you don't live in vancouver, you might look up some of those things to get an idea of what to look for, where you are. Although smaller places might not have such good resources......
Dec 11 2007, 08:42 PM
first of all, thanks so much for your input about my oh-my-god-how-the-hell-do-i-date-a-woman freakout
It was really valuable to hear your thoughts on things. *Unfortunately* the point is moot--for now. Things aren't working out so well between me and the lady after all, for reasons (more or less) unrelated to my spazziness. I think we're simply not compatible in terms of how we interact in a dating relationship and are both letting it drop. So that was a bummer... but at the same time, the experience was good for me because it helped me clarify in my own mind that I actually am into women. And I intend to date some of them in the future, so y'all's advice will go to good use then
muffy, any new developments on your weeknight date?
mouse! how was girlcrush's house party?
moon, i totally second the idea of going online to look for a lady. i don't know specific lesbian sites like glass suggested, but you can always try one of the more general sites like match.com or craigslist or whatever. then you get a broader spectrum of people than you do at the bar scene, i think.
Dec 15 2007, 12:21 AM
_octinoxate, I was hoping for you sorry things didn't work out. we were all going to live vicariously through you, lol!
I'm currently on match.com and I haven't gotten the paid subscription which I guess is okay because not a single person has ever attempted contact with me. I've debated on subscribing so that I could contact people, its a bit pricey and I'm poor. I'm also on OKCupid which is OK (no pun intended) though it is a free service. I've meet a few people from there, including the last gal to stomp on my heart.
as for the date situation with me, oh man *shakes head* this week has apparently not been my week in the ladies department. The girl who asked me out last week, I gave her my number and she gave me mine. We made plans, via email, for possibly Thurs. Well by Wed she hadn't called me so I called her, got her voice mail and left a message. I guess its a good thing I wasn't holding my breath. I don't understand why someone would ask someone out and then just flake out like that, it makes no sense. However, I was also chatting with another lady via the internet who asked me out the other day. Okay. So I mentioned that I had a few nights free this weekend, and asked her what night was good for her. She allegedly works nights and the only day she could possibly get together is Sunday. Of course my family planned a birthday party for me Sunday. So all hope isn't totally lost I suppose with her, I don't know she has yet to write back.
I find myself slightly envious of people who just happen to meet someone fantastic in the grocery store, they fall in love and seem to live happily ever after. Why does being single suck so much? Why is meeting people such a pain in the ass?!
Dec 27 2007, 05:18 PM
I talked to the girl I've had a crush on for a long time today for the first time. YAY! I'm usually very antisocial and don't start up conversations so I thought I'd never talk to her, guess I was wrong. *crossing my fingers for much more next time*
Dec 29 2007, 11:52 AM
I discovered the other day that my best friend and I met the same girl through OKCupid, we both had a good laugh over that one. That pretty much sums up my love life as of now.
Jan 1 2008, 11:05 PM
good luck , tankgirl!
aw, muffy, shucks. that blows, sorry that more of the fish in the sea aren't swimming around you at the moment. hang in there
i met a cute girl through my roommate yesterday... we all went to a party together for new years, which involved some sexy dancing between me and her, and a hug goodbye as i left. and then as i made my wave down the driveway-- she blew me a kiss! i don't even know if she's queer at all, but i hope so...
Jan 3 2008, 08:48 PM
_octinoxate, oh that's so cute!
I've decided that I am not going to do a single thing in the way of dating. I'm usually the girl on the dating site emailing girls who seem interesting. They either don't reply or ask me out and then flake out on me. So I'm not going to send any emails on any dating sites. I'm going to see how long I can hold out. I'm also trying not to visit said dating sites. And since I am usually too shy to talk to girls in real life I've got that one covered. If something is going to happen. In a few weeks, I'm planning on going back to school and take a few classes, I'm still job hunting, I have this art exhibit I'm curating and a stack of books I want to read and still haven't... so I'll be occupied.. who knows maybe something will happen!
Jan 3 2008, 08:50 PM
Muffy, I sure have noticed that when I'm not looking, not trying to force anything to happen, that's right when someone shows up! (And if they don't, hey, at least you're doing fulfilling stuff in the meantime)
The gal invited me out last night, but i couldn't make it. maybe it'll happen this weekend!
Jan 22 2008, 11:44 PM
Wasnt sure where to put this article. The title of it, Gay couples as committed as straight couples: study
, infuriated me. Why would they assume simply because an individual tends toward homosexuality, that it would affect their level of commitment and dedication to a person? I didnt read the whole article yet, but wanted to post as soon as I saw it to get feedback.
ok. i read it. interesting points. but still it pisses me off, as though it's assumed gay couples are somehow incapable to be in a monogomous relationship.
Jan 23 2008, 12:13 AM
yeah, knorl, that is pretty retarded.
and they should've used a bigger sample size in my opinion.
why wouldn't they be as committed. I don't get.
well, at least they debunked the myth.
on a different note, there is this girl at the trader joes
by my house that is so cute and i have such a thing for.
i can't even go in her check out line anymore without
turning red and quiet. i can be so shy w girls, but
so outgoing with boys. porque???!!
Jan 24 2008, 08:13 PM
knorl05, wow look at that, we're just like everyone else, we only differ in sexual preferences... thankfully they solved that one! I do wonder why they studied more heterosexuals than gays and lesbians if the study was about gay and lesbian couples compared to heterosexual couples.
ambersienna maria, I get shy too. any other situation and I am cool and confident, a cute girl comes along and I become a giggling, blushing, school girl.
Jan 28 2008, 07:07 PM
To look on the bright side: in my experience in the social science field, lots of folks who do research like that are often really on "our side"-- they're out to give us the concrete evidence to debunk the myths (like ambersienna said) when we have to debate with jerks
I mean, most people who are highly educated and in the social sciences (eg, people who do work like that) tend to be pretty liberal.
Oh, and- I'm another sucker who goes from cool and collected (with guys) to a 12-year-old stuttering schoolgirl (with ladies). Maybe it has something to do with the fact that when flirting with a guy there seem to be more clearly defined roles? And when it's two women-- lordy, who does what? You know what I mean?
Jan 29 2008, 09:17 PM
_octinoxate, I'm not really worried about who does what. Even with guys, when interested, I'm not very good with hitting on people - honestly I've never tried it - but I usually get tongue tied and self conscious so I've never tried. I usually let the guy/girl do the pursuing.
Jan 31 2008, 06:33 AM
just dropping by, thought folks might be interested in this.Bisexuality not a 'stage'
(as a bi girl in a long term relationship, it's not news to me, but it's nice to see it all the same)
Feb 29 2008, 12:16 AM
so i've always been the type who's attracted to character and soul more than physicality... and i'm not gender bias. typically i have gravitated more toward men for sexual relationships and women as my close homegirls. but lately i'm becoming more and more turned off by men and their ways. i used to be very patient and understanding because i really think most guys dont mean any harm, they're just misinformed. but lately my patience is wearing thin and i dont give a fuck the reason they can be annoying little boys the bottom line is i'm sick of their lack of courage. you know? it's like, 'i try hard to be this that or the other so why is it so much to ask more of you as well?' i guess the problem is the "more" i'm looking for is a more laid back, cultured, sophisticated attitude and that's just few and far between as it is, even with women. ah well. perhaps i just need to get my mind out of trying to connect one on one and instead focus my energy toward community activities and things that will enhance my life as a whole. damn. deep. sorry ladies.