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opheliathemuse
That is exactly what I have been sort of mulling, knorl.
sexysandee
QUOTE(knorl05 @ Feb 29 2008, 02:33 AM) *
so i've always been the type who's attracted to character and soul more than physicality... and i'm not gender bias. typically i have gravitated more toward men for sexual relationships and women as my close homegirls. but lately i'm becoming more and more turned off by men and their ways. i used to be very patient and understanding because i really think most guys dont mean any harm, they're just misinformed. but lately my patience is wearing thin and i dont give a fuck the reason they can be annoying little boys the bottom line is i'm sick of their lack of courage. you know? it's like, 'i try hard to be this that or the other so why is it so much to ask more of you as well?' i guess the problem is the "more" i'm looking for is a more laid back, cultured, sophisticated attitude and that's just few and far between as it is, even with women. ah well. perhaps i just need to get my mind out of trying to connect one on one and instead focus my energy toward community activities and things that will enhance my life as a whole. damn. deep. sorry ladies.


I understand what you mean completely
Muffy
knorl05, true that!

I wish relationships and dating could just be easier. no games. no phone tag or drama. no email rejection letters - yeah I just received one from the person I went out with the other night, allegedly there is no "chemistry" it was only one date, they really could've just not called. A rejection letter actually feels worse. I think I just give up! I should give in and say yes I'm going to be the crazy cat lady, I already have the cats!
knorl05
(((opheliathemuse)))(((sexysandee)))
this is why i love busties, we all seem to be synchronistically connected.
totally Muffy, if anyone knows kitty love they know being the cat lady isnt so bad. swear kitty lovers should have our own secret society or something.. me and my girls can sometimes even entertain ourselves with conversations about our cats. it's great.
ps. a rejection email? lame. you shoulda be like, "its cool, i wasnt feelin it either, after all it was only one date".. it's annoying to me how people can be so sure/full of themselves over nothing really. just wanna knock em down a couple notches. u know?
Muffy
knorl05, I suppose I could've responded to the lame rejection letter but I chose to just hit delete and forget her.

My kitties are keep me warm during these cold winter nights. Most of my friends are cat people too.
lucecita
So, hypothetically speaking, what would you do if you were a well-established lesbian (meaning, you've come out to everyone in your life and endured some pretty hardcore family shunning and rebuilding) and you were in a long-term relationship with a girl that wasn't sexually satisfying and that, plus some depression and insecurities have absolutely KILLED your sex drive, and after you break up with her, you think that maybe you'd want to date a guy, MAYBE, except for at this point, you are totally and completely ambivalent, maybe even grossed out by the idea of sex with either gender for you to make any sort of decision?

As I wrote this, I kind of answered my question... but I'll still post it.
Basically, I'd think about who I was attracted to before my sex drive died (the ladiez) and then I'd tell myself to wait until sex was even slightly appealing before trying to make any sort of decision.

May be the wrong thread, but, while I'm here, any ideas on reviving a sex drive that's gone kaput?
lucecita
Ugh. But I'm really going to be hoping to find a guy I'm attracted to. I just think my life would be easier and simpler if I dated guys. And I have to say, I'm curious as to what it's like to have sex with one... Maybe I just need to sleep with a guy and "get it out of my system" hahaha... just kidding. I read the old posts on this thread. But seriously. I'm curious. It's stupid that I don't, because why the hell not, I've never had any issues finding men that are attracted to me... it's girls that are complicated. I must be cursed.

I think that "gold star lesbian" crap is fucking stupid. But I'm already really girly and, I hate to say it, but it does give you some lesbian street cred. It's already complex enough being with a girl without her constantly worrying that you're going to leave her for a "real man". BLAH.

Ok, bis. Analyze me.
konphusion26
Okay so I lurk in here sometimes but I wanted to get something off my chest. Im married - but lately:

I miss my ex girlfriend really bad. Like she and I are still friends, I find myself thinking about her in ways that I shouldnt be. I wonder if I will ever get that part of me out of my system for good. Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her I miss her smile - which would be bad!! So i just stick to reminiscing about her perfume, and the softness of her skin. The way she laughs. Gosh! I hate being this way. I feel confused and crazy LOL cuz our relationship was terrible and TOXIC! lol The intimacy was awesome though. LMAO

She and my husband do not really like each other- well she doesnt like him because she feels he is the reason she and I are not together. Thats totally false. Like i said my relationship with her was not healthy at all, and I wanted out long before he came along. She was controlling, and verbally abusive at times. She talked to me like I was a child or like she owned me. I hated that and rebelled every chance I got. The good times were great, but the bad times were HORRENDOUS! It took me a year and a half to get over the hold that she had on me.

I dont consider myself bisexual anymore, however I do still find women attractive and catch myself looking quite frequently! Im sure it bugs my husband that I look. He does not like that side of me - he met me that way though!!

Anyway, after all my incoherent rambling, I feel much better. Thanks for "listening". Love yall!
ellievee
lucecita, here's my input:
i dated a girl seriously for over a year, we spent ALL of our time together and, despite having each also been with a man, we were surely convinced we were both lesbians. i came out to my parents and friends, and was comfortable identifying as a lesbian (though i never really liked labels). we had a wonderful relationship with each other, and were madly in love. unfortunately, we grew apart and broke up. now, she's one of my best friends and we are incredibly close. since breaking up, and after some time, we've both found wonderful men to share our lives with, and couldn't be happier (or happier for each other!)

i think it's perfectly okay (and healthy) for you to experiment (when you feel comforable doing so, that is) with men. if you find yourself attracted to someone (of either gender) go for it! don't worry about labels! however, you shouldn't feel that you have to "settle" for dating men, if you don't want to, aren't attracted to them, etc. you can live a normal life as a lesbian! honestly, my best advice is to follow your instincts. cliche, but it's true. use your judgement.

as for the low sex drive: (i have experienced this also), i found that the thing that helped me most was becoming confident in myself; accepting my body and myself, finding the beautiful things within me, raising my self-esteem...it may sound far-fetched, but give it a try...once you become more "in touch" with yourself and your body, maybe you'll feel more sexual!

Muffy
lucecita, my solution for times when my sex drive has gone kaput is to try to please my partner first, when we're getting it on, that way there's a chance for you to get worked up and your partner is happy. I usually needs lots of foreplay myself on most occasions but I've noticed that my sex drive just isn't there so much when I'm either stressed out, or depressed. Its the crappy side-effect to both. I suppose talking to your partner about your problem would be the other thing. Obviously if there is something going on with you, its important for them to know its not them.

Also lucecita, I don't know about your experience with dating men, but its far from 'easier' I don't think there is such a thing - maybe I just have bad luck in dating department. Though if you want to try out men, go for it! no harm in trying it out wink.gif
starshine
QUOTE(konphusion26 @ Mar 13 2008, 10:42 PM) *
I miss my ex girlfriend really bad. Like she and I are still friends, I find myself thinking about her in ways that I shouldnt be. I wonder if I will ever get that part of me out of my system for good. Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her I miss her smile - which would be bad!! So i just stick to reminiscing about her perfume, and the softness of her skin. The way she laughs. Gosh! I hate being this way. I feel confused and crazy LOL cuz our relationship was terrible and TOXIC! lol The intimacy was awesome though. LMAO


*delurks*

konphusion, I so know how you feel. I find myself so often missing my girlfriend, particularly the softness of her belly and how she could make me laugh for hours. And yet at the end our relationship had so many signs of turning into something that would end up very very bad (she was pretty controlling), and I have since met an amazing man who I love and he treats me incredible well, but damn, there's just something about her that I miss incredibly.

*relurks*
themeiu
I have myself a bit of a strange situation. My bf and I have been together about a year and a half, we have a very good, very solid relationship.
However, I'm also very very attracted to women and I feel like I really need to have an experience with a girl. So, when talking about this with my bf, he has a hard time understanding because his point of view if different. When I asked him if he'd mind if I did, he didn't say no, he just said that our relationship was going so well, it would be "unwise" to rock the boat. I feel like he doesn't want to tell me what I can and can't do, but he didn't say that.
Now, I am going up to stay with some friends of mine, including the gf of a friend who I have a massive crush on. The friend is all for getting us together (like literally pushing, we had to tell him, stop, not hot!) I am pretty sure she wants my 'nuts' also as we recently made out at an event. MMmmm soft. Basically, if I go up next weekend, there will almost certainly be something happening.
So, what should I do. I really really want to. I'm feel that my desire for women will stay around and niggle at me and make me wonder, if I never do anything about it. On the other hand, I love my relationship and my partner and don't want to hurt anyone. And if I do, should I tell him?
I've been listening to a lot of Dan Savage lately and he's not helping. I know what he would say.
beck
hmm, i am bi but personally monogamy is important to me and so i have not been with a woman since i started seeing my current partner (5 years ago). i have had some serious crushes but managed to ride through them without anything happening. Once i've got out the other end, i'm always so happy they are over - i will always have a desire for women but for me, everything about him makes him perfect for me and i can't imagine finding so much from another person of either gender. I am willing to do without sex with other people for that. i figure that even if i was straight, i might be attracted to other people just the same way, and i would hope to work that out the same way.

but, different things work for different people, and at different stages in the relationship. all i can say is that for me, no sex with girls seems an acceptable payoff for the awesome guy that i have.

but maybe for you it would be more about having the experience and getting it out of your system? i just don't feel that my orientation will change so it's not a question for me of scratching an itch and then forgetting about it - more a case of compromise whoever i am partnered with unless i was in an open relationship. i am sure it would be the same if i was with a girl - i'm pretty sure i would miss guys and get crushes on them instead. for some people an open relationship can work really well though

sorry, this is rambling and probably not helpful advice at all. just wanted to drop in my 2 cents as when i have been in similar situations i've felt like i'm the only one.
neurotic.nelly
themeiu, have you considered sharing your experiences with women with him?

themeiu
beck- I hear what you're saying about the girl thing. I think it's also that I'm still pretty young. He's 30 and I'm 23. When I met him I had just gotten over my last bad breakup and was feeling really good about being single and excited about dating casually for a while. I had just moved to SF and I met him that same night! He was just ending a 2 year slut/oat sowing phase and was clearly ready to be more settle. So when you meet the person that you work so well with, you can't really be all "Um, I have to go do casual sex, sorry", can you? So I guess some of it is frustration at being done. But at the same time I see the wisdom in desires being craving and attachment and not necessary.


neuroticnelly- I've definitely mentioned that to him and it actually almost happened a few months ago when all four of us when to a hot spring. But he's just not that interested. He's wired a little different than most guys in that the girl/girl thing doesn't really do anything for him.

At this point I'm also afraid of hurting the girls feelings.... stupid, but it's hard because nothing was ever super explicit but strongly implied, so it might be awkward to all of a sudden out with it.
geekchickknits
QUOTE(themeiu @ Jul 7 2008, 01:34 PM) *
beck- I hear what you're saying about the girl thing. I think it's also that I'm still pretty young. He's 30 and I'm 23. When I met him I had just gotten over my last bad breakup and was feeling really good about being single and excited about dating casually for a while. I had just moved to SF and I met him that same night! He was just ending a 2 year slut/oat sowing phase and was clearly ready to be more settle. So when you meet the person that you work so well with, you can't really be all "Um, I have to go do casual sex, sorry", can you? So I guess some of it is frustration at being done. But at the same time I see the wisdom in desires being craving and attachment and not necessary.
neuroticnelly- I've definitely mentioned that to him and it actually almost happened a few months ago when all four of us when to a hot spring. But he's just not that interested. He's wired a little different than most guys in that the girl/girl thing doesn't really do anything for him.

At this point I'm also afraid of hurting the girls feelings.... stupid, but it's hard because nothing was ever super explicit but strongly implied, so it might be awkward to all of a sudden out with it.


23 is pretty young. He says things are solid, but do you think you would be having these urges if you were? If this is something you really need to explore for YOU then it isn't going to go away. Maybe take some time apart - a set amount of time like one month, or three months - for you to do some exploring. After a year and a half, if the relationship is truly strong enough, you should both be able to handle that. And then you're not cheating, which most relationships aren't strong enough to handle.

Just my two cents.
beck
aw themeiu, i don't know what the answer is but i do really sympathise with the dilemma - finding the right person at the not-quite-right time. good luck in working it out.
persimmon_grrrl
i'm so glad this thread exists.

i can find myself attracted to people of all sexual and gender identities. sometimes i am also asexual, and sometimes that means navigating my own desires that challenge(d) my own ideas of who i was, how i identified.

(((everyone)))
p_176
<delurks> what I wanted advice on....my boyfriend and I (ok it was my idea more than his...!) are interested in having a threesome, with another female, but I have no idea how to meet a girl who would be willing and interested. Can you tell me how best to meet women?
geekchickknits
QUOTE(p_176 @ Aug 5 2008, 01:54 PM) *
<delurks> what I wanted advice on....my boyfriend and I (ok it was my idea more than his...!) are interested in having a threesome, with another female, but I have no idea how to meet a girl who would be willing and interested. Can you tell me how best to meet women?


Profile in the steamy section of a dating site. You'll have to weed through, and end up getting a bunch of people who didn't read the ad, but I have been the guest star with three couples I've met through online sites. If you want to know the one I used, feel free to PM me.
girltrouble
so my art opening is next week and there is a distinct possiblility that my crush boy will show up. problem is, my daddy-- my gf is gonna be there. she knows about crush boy and how we made out when she and i were broke up, and she tends to be a bit jealous. honestly i kind of wish she wasn't going to be there so i could walk off with him for a bit. i kind of miss how he used to pursue me. he was so all about me in this i'm a man, and i want you bad kind of way. i know he's got game, and i know what he's doing it, cos i was like that when i was a boy, but fuck if i don't want to throw him on the floor and do dirty things. he's the closest thing i've ever had to a boyfriend, and part of me wishes i'd pursued things with him. he's an artist, and we talk art and it's like this nuclear bomb went off-- we both just glow and---meow!

i'm thinking, if there is energy there i might want to see if daddy would let me see him on the side...
bob4both
Ok, so to throw a thought in from the other side...

I am a guy who's considers myself bi. The problem is it's purely a sexual consideration; I don't like kissing guys, I don't like flirting or picking up guys. In fact, I only look for sexual gratification situations and then have a ton of guilt afterwards. But 3somes or situations involving women (with the guy) such as watching us or participating is OK. So then I wonder if I'm just some type of sex addict & not bi because I don't really have an emotional connection with men. any thoughts welcome
stargazer
bob, one of my male friends who considers himself "bi" felt the same way. he tried to date a guy, but he wasn't into it. he has enjoyed having sex with men and sees it as being strictly sexual for him. he is currently in a commited relationship with a woman and still considers himself bi.

the kinsey scale shows that there is a wide range of bisexuality. nothing odd about your situation.

it does make me think of a joke margaret cho said about thinking she was bisexual, but then she realized she was just a slut. laugh.gif
Muffy
girltrouble, speaking from the perspective of someone who can't seem to even get a date on a saturday night. I kind of feel like you should appreciate your girlfriend. It sounds like your into this guy and want to explore it maybe you should do yourself and your girlfriend a favor. Does she have reason to be jealous? I think I would be jealous if I were seeing someone who was crushing on someone else that wasn't me..*shrugs*... but that's just me.

bob, I agree stargazer. I consider myself bisexual but I'm not totally into dating men, which confuses everyone. I don't understand why everyone has to be pigeonholed into a category.
Queen Bull
QUOTE(bob4both @ Aug 15 2008, 05:48 PM) *
Ok, so to throw a thought in from the other side...

I am a guy who's considers myself bi. The problem is it's purely a sexual consideration; I don't like kissing guys, I don't like flirting or picking up guys. In fact, I only look for sexual gratification situations and then have a ton of guilt afterwards. But 3somes or situations involving women (with the guy) such as watching us or participating is OK. So then I wonder if I'm just some type of sex addict & not bi because I don't really have an emotional connection with men. any thoughts welcome



im the same way with women, bob. i have often wondered the same thing.s its nice to know im not alone in that sentiment. smile.gif

girltrouble
just out of curiosity, bob, lol have you ever met any transwomen? i know some guys get squicked, but honestly i think much of that is trans/homophobia. and here's why:

i'm rarely attracted to guys, where as i get crushes on women like clockwork and fall hard very easily, but when it comes to boys, i just like the dick. *shrugs* i lurve sucking it, making it hard, playing with it, rubbing my dick on theirs. it just gets me hot.

trans men, on the otherhand, soooo turn me on. they have masculinity, but it's not got that edge that genny boys-- sorry genetic boys-- do. and well they still have a vajayjay. me likey!

trans women are awesome because it's that feminine quality plus a dingus. and for lots of guys, that's the thing. it always kind of slays me, when i used to practice honing my voice on the chat lines i'd always get a guy who loved watching tranny films and was scared that he was gay. i'd always explain that there was a chance of that, but more than likely they were a touch bi. from my perspective, gay guys i knew were attracted to masculinity, either boys, bears or, lol, tom of finland architypes. but what they liked was the femininity with a bonus. the flip side of me and transmen. soy, unless they were attracted to boys, they were at best bi. that said, there's a bit of competition with transwomen, so most times they just prefer boys, so i don't get much play. but there are more transdykes (like me! yay!) or bi ts girls every year so it's changing.

and i believe in the spectrum star was talking about but with if your trans the definitions/binaries of m/f gay/straight kind of get murky.


and muffy, i'm in a *technically* open relationship. meaning it's open but neither of us have gone out side of the relationship. daddy knows i'm not good at monogamy, i told her as much on our first date. but it's not that i've given her cause to be jealous, i've just not made it easy for her. she's kind of the jealous type, and i've broken up with her several times. not to date someone else, but because she's more serious about the relationship than i was/am. i love her, but i don't know if she's the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. she's the only person i've dated since transition, and to me that's like marrying your highschool sweetheart-- it's a recipe for disaster. you still have so much growing to do, and you don't know what direction that growth will happen in. for all i know i could want nothing but boys in a year or two. trans peoples sexuality sometimes changes after transitioning.
bob4both
I have been with trans woman & it has been great mind-blowing sex. And I enjoy kissing them as long as they are feminine looking. They've been surprised when I asked to be on the receiving end (I guess being feminine they're used to being asked to be fucked). They haven't been as dom as women with strap-ons, though (another obsession better left to the BDSM board). But it's the extent I sometimes go to to experience it all that confuses me when I think about it. For example, while on business I once called an escort service for a woman with a strap-on to come to my room. I got a transwoman (pretending to be a woman) who used a vibrator on me. For the life of me I don't know why I didn't just tell him to do me himself, since I knew he was a guy. The fantasy was the woman. But there are also days where I'll go to the local bookstore just for guy sex....then the guilt sets in.

Thanx, all, for the comments & responses
girltrouble
yeah a lot of guys want to be fucked. i think it's always kind of funny how sexual mores change. about 10 years ago it was impossible to find porn where the trans woman was anything but the catcher, and with guys only. now there are trans/female movies (yay!) trans/male movies with trans women being the pitcher, there are trans/women with strap ons, it's like they've figured out there are more possiblities, uh duh. but congruently what people are willing to do or try has expanded too. that's why i have mixed emotions when it comes to porn, yes, it can be degrading, over dependant on racism and stereotypes and sexism, but for minorities, like queers, it is, like it or not, the gateway to social acceptance. porn makes sexuality viral. what is sexy constantly changes and before we can be taken serious, we, unfortunately have to be taken as simply sex objects. it's not something i like to admit, but it's true.

that said, bob, it might be a good idea in the future to refer to transwomen as their chosen gender, i.e. as she, not he. many trannies have been in the military, and will cold cock you (no pun intended), right in your snot box for as much. personally, i find it an insult. if i didn't think you didn't know any better i'd have read you the riot act, and you would not have liked it.
go_kayte
Bumping this thread.

I am now single for the first time since I was a teenager and starting to date. I find it interesting who I am thinking about and getting crushes on and what I want. Blah blah blah. Hooray!
luminiousgoddess
I love everyone. Boys, Girls, and everything in between. It doesn't matter the catagory because one day you may be attracted to someone who doesn't fit inside of a catagorical box. It's all about what you like. Nothing is forbidden to me, but thats just me.
stargazer
well, it sounds like you are enjoying being single, go_kayte. don't limit yourself and have fun!
tankgirl
QUOTE(luminiousgoddess @ Oct 26 2008, 09:20 PM) *
I love everyone. Boys, Girls, and everything in between. It doesn't matter the catagory because one day you may be attracted to someone who doesn't fit inside of a catagorical box. It's all about what you like. Nothing is forbidden to me, but thats just me.


agree completely
Carrpet
QUOTE(stargazer @ Aug 16 2008, 03:39 PM) *
one of my male friends who considers himself "bi" felt the same way. he tried to date a guy, but he wasn't into it. he has enjoyed having sex with men and sees it as being strictly sexual for him. he is currently in a committed relationship with a woman and still considers himself bi.

That's sort of how my boyfriend is as well. He's fooled around with men on more than one occasion and considers himself bi, but just prefers to date women mostly.

I'm also bi. I was always somewhat attracted to other females, I had a huge crush on my best friend in 6th grade. I just never really explored the possibility until last year. I kissed a girl.. and liked it...[and yes, she actually did wear cherry chapstick.] Afterward, I did a trial-run with another girl who was also experimenting her sexuality and realized that I was for sure bi.

I'm comfortable telling most people, but my family will probably never find out. My mom is very accepting of the gay lifestyle...just as long as it's nobody too close in connection to her, I've noticed.. I've tried to bring it up to her many times, but she shoots it down. There was one time where she brought up her concerns with my membership with my school's GSA [Gay-Straight Alliance] club and told me that kids probably wouldn't talk to me because they would think I was gay. I couldn't believe it.

My dad would just be totally confused if I told him.

One of them will look at my internet history and figure it out eventually, I guess.
bob4both
I don't let many people know that I am bi, unless the issue comes up in the heat of the moment. My problem is that many of my gfriends end up enjoying their submissive side with me. From what I've gathered they just wish to "escape" the decision-making, tough-portrayal, or whatever world & enjoy giving in the the abandonment of having decisions (and hot sex) forced on them; giving up the control, so to speak. Now enter the thought that their "dom" wishes to have sex with a guy; it seems to contradict their opinion of me & usually becomes turn-off. It may not seem like it in this forum, but it's tough to find a unihibited woman who is actually unihibited enough not to pass judgement on her partner craving an occassional cock. My other issue is that even though I'm bi, I really only enjoy men when there's a woman involved (even if only watching). I have ventured out into 1-on-1 land, but usually feel intimidated & guilty after. And so I haven't truly found a relationship that really does share the best of both worlds.
niki
QUOTE(bob4both @ Dec 5 2008, 02:05 PM) *
I don't let many people know that I am bi, unless the issue comes up in the heat of the moment. ... it's tough to find a unihibited woman who is actually unihibited enough not to pass judgement on her partner craving an occassional cock. My other issue is that even though I'm bi, I really only enjoy men when there's a woman involved (even if only watching). ... And so I haven't truly found a relationship that really does share the best of both worlds.


Hi, Bob

I've had similar experiences, though I eventually found I could enjoy sex with the right man alone (and loved it), even though I initially wanted a woman watching. The best of all relationships for me, I thought, would be a polyamorous connection with a man and a woman who were a couple. Never found it. What I found instead was a relationship with a woman who, like me, is gender-queer, and likes taking the male role. We've been together for three year now, and married for 6 mos. It's working!

niki
bob4both
So, niki; have you discussed an open relationship with her, or are you satisfied now?

I'm sure there's lots of committed, open relationships about, but it seems that all the open relationships I've known or been associated with have ended at some point. I think it's hard to remain committed enough to someone when you're screwing other people; sex is such a big part of intimacy & commitment. My first real guy-to-guy sex partner ("P" from the "Let's talk about sex/Your list..." thread) had a bfriend and didn't want to keep us going for fear of his significant other finding out. This was really strange to me, as I (very stereotypically) thought that gay sex was just for sex; the relationship part of it escaped me (cuz I was with men only for sex...I don't even like kissing guys!). Much older & more schooled now, I get it; but still don't know if my bi side would/could ever overcome my desire for women.
niki
QUOTE(bob4both @ Jan 5 2009, 10:48 AM) *
So, niki; have you discussed an open relationship with her, or are you satisfied now?

We've discussed it conceptually. But although she can be very adventuresome in the bedroom, she's had some really negative (sexually and pshychologiocally abusive and damagng) relationships in her life (mostly with other women, interestingly). It's enough for her to trust me. She has notreally interested in trying anyone else. I'm okay with that. WHen I was younger, I thought it was crucial that I got a chance to try everything. I'm not younger any more. I'm grateful to have her in my life. It's enough.

QUOTE(bob4both @ Jan 5 2009, 10:48 AM) *
I'm sure there's lots of committed, open relationships about, but it seems that all the open relationships I've known or been associated with have ended at some point.

Yes, I think open relationships, as well as committed polyamorous relationships (i.e., relatioships that are not open, but that include more than two people in a serios commitment) are possible. But the levels of maturity and intentionality that this requires are very high. Most people who actually try it, I think, are people who have not yet reached that level.

Like you, in my early experiments with man-on-man sex, I was just looking for physical pleasure. As soon as I started realizing that there could be emotional commitment as well, I ran scared. At my age and maturity now, I wouldn't be scared. But I'm happy where I am, and committed.
Nadia
QUOTE(niki @ Jan 11 2009, 05:28 PM) *
We've discussed it conceptually. But although she can be very adventuresome in the bedroom, she's had some really negative (sexually and pshychologiocally abusive and damagng) relationships in her life (mostly with other women, interestingly). It's enough for her to trust me. She has notreally interested in trying anyone else. I'm okay with that. WHen I was younger, I thought it was crucial that I got a chance to try everything. I'm not younger any more. I'm grateful to have her in my life. It's enough.
Yes, I think open relationships, as well as committed polyamorous relationships (i.e., relatioships that are not open, but that include more than two people in a serios commitment) are possible. But the levels of maturity and intentionality that this requires are very high. Most people who actually try it, I think, are people who have not yet reached that level.

Like you, in my early experiments with man-on-man sex, I was just looking for physical pleasure. As soon as I started realizing that there could be emotional commitment as well, I ran scared. At my age and maturity now, I wouldn't be scared. But I'm happy where I am, and committed.



Open relationships are gross. That is how people get STDs and HIV. Ewwwwwww ....
girltrouble
*cracks her knuckles*

[mocking tone]
....and stupid people are gross. they talk out of their ass, because they haven't a clue! EEEEEwwwww.
[/mocking tone]

for your information, nadia, people don't get stds, and hiv from open relationships, they get it from irresponsible behavior. there are plenty of women who were in a non-open relationships, who got stds and hiv from partners who cheated and were irresponsible. perhaps you ought to read before you say something stupid....

oh. too late.

open relationships aren't for everyone. certainly not you, since a good open relationship requires both parties to be open, honest, mature adults, and, i don't think i'm going out on a limb to say you have a looooooong way to go before you are either mature or an adult. based on your post, i'd say you're definitely immature.

i do hope that this isn't going to be the tenor of your posts here. i think you'll find stupidity gets a hostile reaction round these parts, and you keep this sort of thing up, you will catch your share of shit. deservedly.
_octinoxate
ohhhkay, back on topic. (girltrouble, thanks for being such an avid defender of the lounge smile.gif )

so, i just got out of a relationship with a man about a month ago, for various reasons, one of them being my desire to date women. i just posted an online dating ad to that end- exciting!

anyone have other ideas on where and how to meet cool chicks? besides the local lesbian bar?
lopie313
Well where do i start.... well i am bi curious i guess you could say.... I have always wanted to date a girl i think they are very attractive. but i am very shy when it comes to acting out my thoughts. I do have a boyfriend and he knows of my feelings toward woman and would let me date a girl if i could get the courage to pursue one. The thing is i don't know where to start or how to go about finding a girlfriend. I have had girls that wanted to date me but by the time i had the guts to take their offer it was to late they had a girlfriend or they wanted me to break up with my boyfriend.

We all want to explore our sexuality right? Well I'm having trouble doing so and i need help because i really want a girlfriend.


by they way it took a lot of guts to write this so be gentle.... lol
derailed
Hi Lopie, not sure if you're checking for responses anymore~
I've been on Bust for awhile under a different name, but I guess I'm not ready to be open about this subject with people I know IRL on Bust. So bear with me : )

Sorry no one has responded to you, but I'm kind of in the same boat. I've always been attracted to women, but have so far only dated men. I'm single now and really at least mentally exploring women. I've been talking to a few girls on a dating site. I've said that I'm kind of new to this and I'm not sure what I'm looking for yet.

I'm totally comfortable hanging around not-straight women and being at girl bars, and I have a couple close female friends who are into women. So the culture is nothing too new to me-but when it comes to me actually dating another girl, I'm lost. It does seem different, for some reason. I have a pretty good idea of what kind of men I'm visually attracted to, but not yet women, and that can be daunting because I don't want to lead anyone on and then break it off because I realize I'm not attracted to them..

When it comes to men, I am initially very visual. I know that a person can become more attractive over time, if personalities click, but in the world of online dating, it's hard to look past the photographs when deciding whether to contact a person or not. There have been plenty of guys who seem pretty cool in their profiles, but were definitely not my type in pictures, so I moved on. Just being honest. But the girls I'm talking to...I mean they're not unattractive, but my heart isn't pounding or anything. So I'm not sure if it simply means I don't know what my visual type is yet, or if they really are not attractive to me. does that make any sense?

This all is kind of overwhelming to me, because some women I've talked to obviously knew what they were looking for, and maybe they assumed I did too-and it's gotten awkward because I've had to back out, telling myself-no, I'm not attracted to this one. I'm worried that casual flirtations will move too quickly before I know what I want.

I do realize the silliness in all this-I should stop worrying and just have fun. But I really don't want to hurt anyone : \
epinephrine
Aww, it makes me so sad to see this thread all lonely and dropping off the page.

I feel like we're at the dawning of a bisexual revolution or something. So many stars are coming out as bisexual, and it's becoming publicly recognized as a legitimate sexual orientation and not just "sitting on the fence," which is a stupid, stupid idea that annoys me to no end. It's not sitting on the fence to like both. Sexual preference is just a preference, and the idea that you must pick one thing and shun the other is absurd. You don't hate chocolate just because you like vanilla. I don't understand why so many people can't get the idea through their heads that you don't have to hate one gender to like the other. It's just our society's infatuation with binaries. I wish people would understand that preferences are not laws written in stone, they're only tendencies.

Anyway, within my peer group now, I'm starting to see a LOT of people, male and female, declaring that they have no label. I think people are starting to catch on to the idea that gender doesn't have to be the first thing on your criteria for sexual/romantic partners. But having no label isn't the same as being a perfectly balanced, 50-50, ambisextrous bisexual, who has a completely equal attraction to both genders. It just means that you take people as individuals and not as specimens of the male or female animal - you don't make rules for yourself about who you'll be with based on that lowest common denominator. I mean, sure, I have preferences. Having experienced sex and relationships, both casual and serious, with both men and women, I would say that my tendency is to lean toward women. But that's all it is - a tendency. It doesn't eliminate the potential for me to be attracted to men. And that makes me really happy.

Oh, and when someone says that bisexuals are twice as promiscuous because they have twice as many options, just tell them that they're half as promiscuous because they can be twice as picky. And don't let them bring up Tila Tequila. Ugh.
netochka
I have a crush on the very flamboyant and very gay, Adam Lambert, runner up for American Idol 2009. My husband hates it when I go on about him. I think he's glad Idol is over just so he doesn't have to see or hear Adam anymore. I love Adam and if I was a gay guy, I'd definitely go for him.




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bob4both
For me, the male attraction is still for pure sex; can't even bring myself to kissing another man. So I'm not sure if no emotional involvement makes me truly bi. Tendency is towards women, but as I'm sure a woman knows about another woman, there are times when only a man can satisfy the desire within me. Not having a regular partner not only makes it risky, but causes me a lot of guilt. Yup, I'm still strange, i gues...
sylaami
i consider myself bisexual because i am attracted to men and women. i've slept with several women even though i haven't dated any, so it hasn't really been a question for me.

i've only dated one person and he recently broke off our engagement. the only thing i had second thoughts about when i came to marrying him was that i had never really given myself the chance to explore other parts of my sexuality. i know that i'm not in an emotional place where dating someone new would be the best thing for me. on the other hand, i never really felt completely closed off emotionally when it came to girls.

i don't really know what to say here, i started out thinking one thing and i feel like i'm saying another. it's just that he hurt me so bad and yet the thought of having sex with any other man is just icky to me. i know that "icky" is somewhat imprecise but it's the best way to describe how i'm feeling. i suddenly find myself turned off my the thought of guys and it's very confusing. part of me is questioning my whole sexual identity because for the first time in my life i am not attracted to both sexes.

i have been feeling so vulnerable in other ways and now i'm questioning things about myself i thought i knew for certain. maybe this is the wrong thread for this but i guess i just want to know if anyone has experienced something like this.
stargazer
epinephrine, your post brings up an interesting discussion, not just for people who identify as bisexual, but, about gender and sexual orientation as a whole. I was having a similar discussion with a friend, a gay male. He mentioned how his partner, a male, did not identify himself with any sexual orientation. His partner knew he liked men, but, did not feel a connection with the label "gay man." Then, something changed for him, I can't remember what the story was, but, he felt a stronger connection with the term, "gay man."

I guess labels in general can have powerful meanings for some and can be terribly limiting for others. When I was 19, coming out as bisexual was a powerful moment for me. I was unsure of my own sexual identity and what the meaning of my sexual attraction to women meant for me. At the time, it meant that I was open to either a man or woman. At my age now (I'm 33), I would say I'm exclusively seeking a relationship with a man and I'm still attracted to women. However, the term bisexual does not feel right for me nowadays. I mean, I use it when people ask me, only because I feel like I have to label myself to make the other person comfortable which I know is not a good reason. I really hate labels part now in terms of gender and sexual orientation.

I will say that I hold onto the label of feminism because, for me, feminism is the encouragement for the existence of both the feminine and masculine in men and women, regardless of sexual orientation. It allows flexibility for people to take on various roles in their careers and relationships. I do not want to be limited in my partnership with a man anymore than I want him to feel limited in his role. It just doesn't feel fair to me.

I was thinking about this fact a couple of months ago since I am currently single. I don't think of myself in terms of gender or sexual orientation. I've felt that way since childhood. There are various situations which I'm aware of my sex because those situations have socially cultivated how I am interpreted as a woman in our society. I think alot of issues dealing with gender or sexual orientation are so muddled and socially cultivated that I wonder if most people contemplate the origins of their own behavior (both sexual and non sexual). I am an idealist and I long for a society where people can act on their own free will without the overanalyzations and limitations of society. Rigid stereotypes about gender and sexual orientation do not just exist in the heterosexual world, but, the glbt world as well. I received some backlash from my gay male friends when I started dating men which surprised the heck out of me. Maybe cause the majority of our friendship I was with my exgf. It could also be cause I was making alot of other changes in my life which felt threatening to them 'cause they had to learn a different part of me. Not sure. I'm not friends with them anymore. I like change.

I don't want to give off the impression that I'm totally open minded 'cause I've really had to challenge myself to stay open, for example, when someone in the media revels their sexual orientation. Like, I was surprised by Cynthia Nixon, but, then I had to remind myself of my own changes. I guess in the end, I want there to be fluidity in sexuality no matter how you define yourself. Life is always changing, you can guarantee that. There is no such thing as a linear model. I think the Kinsey scale of sexual orientation helped me to be understanding about that aspect about my sexuality. Then again, I've always been pretty mature sexually speaking since I was a kid. I'm not put off by too much.

As for the irrational belief about bisexuals not being good at commitment, I had this discussion with a friend when I was 22. I asked if his commitment to his gf at the same changed his level of attraction to other women. He is in a committed relationship and he still finds other women attractive. That's healthy. I told him that my commitment in a relationship is a choice I make and I'm dedicated to the person I'm in a relationship with. I will always find other people attractive, I'm a sexual human being for crying out loud. I think it boils down to trust and communication which are fundamentally at the root of all healthy relationships. If there is not a willingness to work on those aspect in any relationship, then, well, I'm sure there will be some complications.

Gosh, I hope I made sense in my long tirade. But, I've been thinking about this issue alot lately. Thanks epinephrine.

bob4both, did you say you felt bad that you don't have a consistent male sexual partner?

ETA: I've never had that feeling happen to me. Can you say more about not feeling attracted to both sexes. Also, if you need help with moving on from your ex, you can find support in the Moving On thread.
bob4both
Well, meant "bad" in the sense that for m2m sex I don't have a regular partner. I just go out looking for someone to have sex with. Then I feel guilty for...well, I'm not sure. I guess it's over random sex, though hooking up with a new girl doesn't create the same concerns.
cris99
Have you seen your doctor for a regular check up? Maybe you have something running in you're mind. Do you smoke or drink? How about a drug? We don't know.


feels good.
epinephrine
My hormones are playing tricks on me these days. I know I'm sexually and emotionally attracted to women, but with men it gets complicated - I'm attracted to them (very strongly, in some cases) and I connect with them emotionally, and I fantasize about them all the time, but the idea of actually having sex with a guy kind of freaks me out for a variety of reasons. A major reason is that having sex with men is just so much riskier than having sex with women, for both pregnancy (obviously) and STIs. Another is that, now that I've been with women, male anatomy seems that much more unfamiliar and intimidating to navigate. The biggest reason is the pervasive pressure that always seems to be there with guys. I like sexual tension and I like to take my time, spend a lot of time just fooling around, and in my past experiences with guys I always felt like I was trying to hold them off. I know it's their problem and not mine, and that I'm not obligated to have sex with a guy or "finish what I started" or any of that nonsense, but it's still always there and it stresses me out to the point where I feel like it's not worth it to put myself in that position. I guess I just don't feel safe with guys. It's frustrating because I feel really torn sometimes between my attraction to guys and my fear of what will happen if I pursue them - that I'll end up getting myself involved in something that won't be enjoyable for either of us.
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