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treehugger
Well, I guess I'd have to identify myself as bisexual...because I was in a lesbian relationship for six years. Right now I'm pretty content in a straight relationship, it's been ten years now. But, if the right person came along, and I was in that kind of place in my mind, I'd go out with a woman again.

My same-sex relationship ended badly, though. Not by virtue of the relationship....there were drugs involved on the part of my partner...and it was just sort of ugly.

The whole bisexual thing makes my guy very uncomfortable, though. I envy you a bit, Kayte, for your guy being so cool about it!
glassk
Minx said:
"But fucking hell, if I have to deal with one more bi-curious chick who wants to "experiement" I am gonna barf. I don't mean to sound uber-offensive to the bi-curious in this crowd, but my luck has run more towards these girls that will stick their tongue down your throat when trashed and when it comes to going downtown, they wouldn't know the geography of a clit from that of a small town in Idaho."

Wahhhhh!!!!!! I'm so afraid that's me. Not that I'm only bi when I'm trashed (so not true) but I'm so afraid that I am going to be a crappy girl-lay. (I know I'm a crappy lay for a man, cuz I do not love the cock. Ha. Ha.) But I have no experience. Wahhh!!! And I have gotten myself off exactly once. (attempts? who knows)

But girl relationships? I want one.... I get so jealous of the androgynous boys who have girlfriends.... and jealous of the little crowd of gothy dykes in the scene. and then I got told by a taxi driver on my way home from the goth night coincidentally held at the gay bar that I came across as straight.

I dont' want to come across as straight. but as a girl, I would do me, so I don't know what to change.

and there she goes said: i'm definately closer to women in general---most of my close friends are women, i generally prefer hen parties, i tend to like more stereotypically female activities like talking about feelings and reading BUST and Bitch and getting pedicures and watching 80s movies. i know that's not what sex with women is actually about. but i have a close friend who does all that stuff with her girlfriend and sometimes i get really jealous that they have such a total bond. it's like they're lovers AND sorority sisters all in one, minus the puff-paint.

I want that!!!! I sortof had that once, and she moved away and broke my heart.
I KNOW I like girls, I just need one I can connect with...

I'm just ranting, darlings.
go_kayte
glassk,
Don't worry about it! Knowing that you're gay or bi doesn't mean you have to have sex with a woman immediately. I mean, I can relate to the feeling but I've come to accept that it would be better to let it happen naturally.
I can also relate on the coming-across-as-straight thing. Especially since I've been with a guy for so long everyone assumes I'm straight. I've been looking for a shirt that just says QUEER in big letters. I think that would be awesome.

I'm getting kind of impatient to move to a bigger city (should be just a few more months). There is only ONE lesbian bar here and it is a much, ehm, older crowd than I would like. But soon I will be moving hopefully to a much queerer part of the country.

Kayte
starshine
So congratulations on coming out again Kayte, that takes so much courage, especially while being in a relationship! And to have a supportive partner is even better. While I don't have experience with that personally, a close friend of mine did the same thing a couple years ago. With the support of her wonderful boyfriend she is now in an open relationship with another woman. I think its really helped my friend understand more of who she is and just be happier because she's expressing that. And while everything isn't always peachy keen, because her primary relationship is so open and honest, things have worked out pretty smoothly. She swears it's by open communication. She also raves about the book The Ethical Slut - I can't remember who it's by - which covers about a thousand different types of relationships, adn is all about how to have open communication. I've read parts of it and really enjoyed it. While not everything in it is necessarily for me, it is definately a useful book.


And glassk, I was so where you are a few years ago. I was just coming out, and ended up coming out as lesbian to most of my friends even though I'm really bi - which I figured out rather quickly when I was still wanting to date the boys, and not just the bois smile.gif And I also came off as completely and utterly straight. I surprised the hell out of my first girlfriend when I started flirting back...and yup, I was so virginal, well, girl wise anyways, that I had no idea what I was doing down there (sorry for the euphanism), but the rest came totally naturally. And I was really open to learning and excited to learn, which I hope made up for my lack of experience. It's paid off since anyways, and really, any new person that you're with is new, so there are new things to learn, it's just about being really eager and open to learn...and of course having a hell of a lot of fun with it. THough I think that regardless of gender, what makes the difference between a good lover and a great one is eagerness and how into the experience they are. Hopefully this helps some. You will meet someone in time. If I've managed to meet people in my small town - our only gay club, not even bar, it only had dances twice a month, just closed - then I'm sure you will meet someone, or somepeople who you can do all the wonderful things like pedicures with:D And I've foudn that the more open I get about my sexuality, and the more comfortable I am with it, the less I get taken for completely "straight." And then comes the fun of dealing with boys who think that just because I like girls they can have a threesome...but that's a whole other rant!!!

glassk
aw, thanks starshine. i think you understand my frustration completely. i was just nodding my head. Coming out (there'll always be someone new to come out to, as well, i think?) is tough. Kayte, I am looking up to you. smile.gif

and the Ethical Slut book sounds also interesting. You have peeled my eyes.
go_kayte
starshine, I've heard of the Ethical Slut, I kind of shied away from it before just because I don't like the word "slut" but I guess that's kind of silly. Now I'll track down a copy.

My bf... he's so amazing. We were gonna try a fully open relationship type thing, but, he's in a band so all the little girlies are always all over him. And I mean little, some of these girls are 16, 17. They all hate me so much. I find it pretty amusing, especially when he's like knocking them down to bring me a drink or something smile.gif
Anyway, HE could get a girl a night if he wanted to but he knows I hate those girls so he just completely ignores them.
On the other hand, if he sees me talking to a girl he'll like leave me alone for a while to talk.
Somehow he always knows the exact right thing to do. He must have read a book on it (knowing what to do).

Thanks for the support, glassk & starshine smile.gif I really appreciate it.

Kayte
the_geiger
I'm glad I found this thread.

My pet peeve as a bisexual is when people ask me 'So who do you like better, girls or guys? Is it, like, 50-50? 60-40?'

Because really, what kind of question is that? As if desire is easily quantified, or as if I'm supposed to choose between, hypothetically, every woman in the world and every man in the world and figure out the proportional layout of my sexual urges.
go_kayte
geiger, I definitely agree. Also, when people ask if I've slept with more girls or boys. That is none of their business, and totally irrelevant.
glassk
Yeah, apparently it's hard for some people to wrap their minds around. Gosh, I had the worst time getting outed last summer.

Close male friend outed me, knew I was into girls for awhile, finally cornered me into it, I felt extremely awful after our conversation where I was on the verge of tears, ended up calling him to talk some more, and then we got drunk, fooled around and he told me to pretend he was the girl who'd broken my heart and that I kissed too "German." (read: violent) Needless to say, we are no longer friends, although I only figured out what an awful person he was ages after that.
(I just wanted to add, I am not a violent kisser when I am not miserable and trashed. I am a sweet kisser, and have been told so by another very gentle kisser. TMI!)
Where I thought to tell you this story, is he wanted to know if I could "switch back and forth" like I was only into the sex, not the relationship aspect. Goodness knows that girl wouldn't have broken my heart if I was only into the sex because SHE never put out. Echke.

You girls are so right. Percentages and numbers are nothing to do with it. It's not so different from "straight" relationships, I think...
tyger
Luckily I've never got the 'do you like girls or boys better' question. If cornered into identifying my orientation I'll maybe give a shrug and say I'm not straight, if that's what you're asking. I just don't like giving it a label, you know? I feel like as soon as there's a label I'm stuck in a box formed by another person's perception, which makes me uncomfortable. Of course here I say I'm bi, just because it doesn't feel like you guys do the put people in a box thing.

Right now I like to claim that I'm in a bisexual relationship, though, just because it confuses people, and since me and boything are both bi it's not really incorrect to say that, right? tongue.gif

I'm glad this thread got ressurected. It's nifty to have a place to talk about these things.
sixelacat
Here's a t-shirt for you Kayte! I personally have one that says "Queer as Fuck" styled like the Queer as Folk logo, which I like to wear to office meetings I have to attend on my days off (we're allowed to come in jeans, t-shirts, even PJs when they're especially early!).

go_kayte
QUOTE(sixelacat @ Jan 27 2007, 12:45 AM) *

Here's a t-shirt for you Kayte! I personally have one that says "Queer as Fuck" styled like the Queer as Folk logo, which I like to wear to office meetings I have to attend on my days off (we're allowed to come in jeans, t-shirts, even PJs when they're especially early!).


Awesome! I'm totally getting that. The lettering rocks too.
starshine
Those are great t's. I have one that says "Butch County Forest Service" that I just love. Though I have a hard time wearing it in this small town....but it's great, especially since I'm so not butch, though I did just cut off all my hair....hmm.....
glassk
bahahha... butch county forest service. I'LL make it rain in your forest. wink.gif
gibbs
Hello I am looking for some information on the dating and the post dating scenario, I have just started my dating spree and my sole intention is to get laid and I have no problems in admitting the same. However am looking for some tips which can help me to some sure success to woo women and consequently succeed in making love with them. So any suggestions would be gladly appreciated.
glassk
Wish I could help. Unfortunately can't.

There's the cutest girl at school; all brash and saucy and funny, but adorable. And straight but vaguely flirtatious. AHH!

What do you mean by 'dating spree' Gibbs? sounds intriguing.
starshine
QUOTE(glassk @ Jan 31 2007, 01:10 AM) *
I'LL make it rain in your forest. wink.gif


Haven't checked the board in a while and wish I had, 'cause you made me laugh my head off. I'll have to remember that line....
knorl05
tyger: yeah. i just tell people i'm interested in interesting, passionate, creative people - i dont specify a gender. i am primarily into men, but i've also dated women so i'm not entirely against the idea of doing it again. i tend to look at people more for whom they are and what they are about, rather than what gender they happen to be.
dj-bizmonkey
ok, i'm just going to jump on in here. i have always considered myself straight, though i think that most people are a percentage, it's more like a sexuality spectrum than a black and white issue. i always thought my percentage was about 90% hetero and 10% not so much. still, there was always this one woman.....

i'm living abroad right, working on a research project (i study capuchin monkeys), and it seems like both sexes are just coming out of the woodwork. my ex-boyfriend is writing me drunken rants about how much he misses and loves me. this brief tryst i had last summer (also a man) is coming down here to visit me, which is insane to me, because we were only in eachother's presence for about a week but we have been writing passionate letters back and forth ever since. so old fashioned, but i'm a romantic, so i dig it. anyway, the ex kind of put me in a tailspin and i was conflicted about my feelings for him and the new guy. but that conflict has subsided and i've decided out with the old in with the new. ok, get to the point biz-monkey. well here's the latest wrench in the gears. that one woman i mentioned, just wrote me an email talking about how much she's always wanted to kiss me and that there was just this animal attraction between the two of us, all things i have always felt but never said. i am so f-ing confused now! i've never really been attracted to a woman, but i can't get her out of my thoughts. not just regular, having a cup of coffee thoughts, but get down and dirty sex thoughts. it's a distraction! she's also been an incredible friend to me over the years, and i'm terrified that if i tell her how i really feel that i'll ruin it all. i also think i'd probably be bad in bed if we ever did hook up because i've never touched a woman like that. and what if i only think i want to do it and when it comes down to put out or get out, i'm running for the door? she is incredible and sexy and brilliant and beautiful and the last thing i'd want to do is hurt her. any thoughts? words of wisdom? her email is still sitting in my inbox and i gotta respond soon or else she'll think she totally freaked me out, which she didn't, she totally turned me on, and another thing, what about this other guy? thoughts of her have pushed him out of my fantasy, temporarily at least. WTF. ok, the rant stops here.
glassk
oh man........ i have no idea what you should do, but that is the most INTRIGUING story I've heard all day. Can't wait to find out what happens, good or bad. I totally would KILL for an email like that from certain females, so just write back!!
Say you're flattered and that she hasn't just been imagining the attraction its for real. But maybe use better words than that. Good luck!!


*listening to Tatu*
dj-bizmonkey
Hey, thanks for the words of encouragment. I wrote her a very honest email, as much as I could stand, still waiting for the reply....
dj-bizmonkey
even though i didn't get too many replies (which i will not take personally in the least) i thought i would atleast update on the situation. i wrote lady x an email, explaining that i'd always felt the same way, but that taking the step from fantasy to reality might be a little daunting (challenging as well, seeing as how we don't even live in the same country right now). her response was sincere and to the point. she said that her attraction to me was just that, an attraction, one that went well beyond the bounds of just sexual interest. she said, with women, she just liked to lie in bed, breathe the same air, enjoy one anothers existence and that with men it was often, 'ok, enough of this, let's get down to it.' she made the comment that 'men are the action, women are more like the journey.' i thought it was beautiful. nothing is settled, but like i said, nothing could be at the point we're both at in our lives. it feels good to have it out in the open, however, and i plan to maintain this friendship and our 'attraction dialogue' as it were, as much as i can. it's bizarre, when i'm in the states i hardly ever get online, but now that i'm in the forest (where costa rica's national park system supplies us with high speed, but not running water or telephones), i'm addicted. bust is my new favorite haunt, but i digress.....
uberjanina
Hello all...

Here's the deal.. my boyfriend of 2 years is bi.. I've known this and it's made me a little uncomfortable but for unknown reasons really. deep down i'm just like great...first girls to worry about now boys... now the kicker is that he flirts openly and i've managed to sneak a peek at some messages where he's very flirtatiously with an old lover. most of his friends are exes etc. i know it sounds stupid but i'm completely honest with him. he complains i'm like every other girl when i get jealous or get mad at something that he says but i also remind him that he should just tell me things anyways, even if it upsets me. he claims he gets bored very easily but we've been together for 2 years now and after a very moody night (he's a cancer and therefore pms' more than i do) i asked him if he was just looking for me to break up with him. his response was that it was pointless that we've been together for 2 years and we should just stay together for a few more years and see where it goes.. should i bother? i'm straight but i've bi-curious which i know a lot of people hate that term.. blah..this is my first real thread here so i guess i don't know what else to say..just looking for some advice i guess...
lapis
dj, I was waiting for other people to reply, too. I don't think animal attraction is a fabrication. I think your body and mind know where you want to go. If you are both interested it's worth exploring and fun. It can be really scary because being with a member of the same sex can be a strange and exciting mirror for yourself. It can be a way of coming to a kind of self-acceptance. But narcissistic advantages aside, it can be super hot! It's hot to be able to keep going all night, without one orgasm organizing the whole event. It's hot to feel lady-skin against your own and to feel soft lips (usually) without stubble. I have also found that my sexual politics are pretty different with women and men--I learn about who I am and how I perform desire with different people and gender and sex can change some of these things; it can affect your sexual intensity. It's nice to see how a person can be turned on in so many different ways. It's lovely to see how other women like to be pleasured, to learn someone's body that is both like and different from your own. Sometimes the communication can be different with women and that can be really hot, too. It seems like you are in a great place--to flirt, build rapport, share fantasies, and make things expontenially hotter. I don't think you will be disappointed or suddenly decide that whoops you really are straight. I think attraction, especially the animal kind, transcends sex. It's about smell, attitude, brains, sexiness, spirit. And the cool thing about this is that you have an attraction to a particular person-it's embodied. It's not just an experiment, a thing to check off your list of experiences, it's an interest in a human being. I think you should give yourself some credit for knowing what you desire. And see how it feels. It may be that your connection is more of a cerebral one but it's totally worth exploring. So, to sum up, GO FOR IT! Good luck!
lapis
QUOTE(uberjanina @ Apr 18 2007, 10:12 PM) *
I've known this and it's made me a little uncomfortable but for unknown reasons really. deep down i'm just like great...first girls to worry about now boys...


Not to sound like an old fart, but I would feel uncomfortable having certainty that my partner honors and preserves my sexual health if he or she is chatting up other people, especially men who have sex with men because they tend to engage in riskier behaviors. In fact it would probably be a dealbreaker for me, not because I am a homophobe, but because unless you are non-monagamous, it might be hard to hammer out the details of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Also, on a psychical level, it might be really unsettling to feel like you might not be physically capable of giving him what he needs or will one day pursue. Have you integrated or talked about making your relationship more queer? are strap-ons potentially part of your practice? My friends in long terms relationships with bi or gay men have either taken the steps to queer their relationships or left a space open for some extra-relationship exploration. Could you cruise for men together and bring them home? Have you talked about what makes you feel safe and what you need? Have you told him you don't want him to flirt with people--is this even something reasonable to ask? My intuition says that this will escalate and you have to either make peace with whatever he does online (or in real life) or leave him. And also, if all girls have reacted the same way, it might suggest not that you're all fucked up and jealous but that maybe he's not capable of giving women the attention they deserve because he's too distracted and into other aspects of his sexuality.
uberjanina
oh you totally don't sound like an old fart. It makes me feel so close-minded when I'm really not. We've done the strap on bit which he says it's not really his thing (receiving that is). I've even mentioned bondage or even a group situation if that meant spicing up our relationship. I have a hard time with anal just because of the first guy who got to my bum before my current bf. I'm being as patient as I can getting back into my own sexually but at the same time he's not really being sensitive about it and gets frustrated. I do feel sometimes that I can't give him what he requires of a guy but he says that he would never be in a male male relationship so i don't worry about that. we talked about dildos today so maybe finding something we can play with will just help things along. of all of his most recent flames, none knew of about his past homosexual relationships so i guess i should consider myself lucky. i'm trying to be as open as i can about this with him. you'd think about 2 years i'd get it but again, maybe i'm the lucky one for knowing what he's capabale of now rather than getting screwed over not knowing he was screwing someone else on the side.. i hope that made sense. i'm super tired! thanks for your help though.
dj-bizmonkey
thanks lapis, you said most everything i was trying to articulate but couldn't quite get out. i'm excited to see where lady x and i's correspondence will take us. who can predict what the future holds?!!

as for you, uber, man, i think i would have a hard time dating a bisexual guy for all reasons that you've already expressed. it makes me feel uptight and stodgy, but i can be so inwardly jealous anyhow (rarely do i express it to my partner), having it from both sexes might make me go a little crazy. it sounds like you've got your head in a good place, however, and you sound like a tougher lady to me. if you really love eachother, you can make it work. i'm not an idealist in the sense that i think 'love conquers all' (it most certainly does not), but with tenacity, compromise and understanding in mix as well, you make the relationship work. keep the lines of communication open. the bottom line here is that he's with you, he's been open with you, which shows that he trusts you more than his past female relationships, and you're willing to entertain the queer side of his sexuality, all these things are very positive. good luck, and don't beat yourself up for feeling uncomfortable. becoming open and comfortable with sexuality takes practice and constant effort (as i am learning as we speak). you'll get there.
uberjanina
thanks dj. it has been super hard and i'm tryiing to be as open and honest with him as i can. i beat myself up just out of normal self esteem and guilt issues but im done with that. love doesn't conquer all and i totally agree with you on that. i really do care about him and love him so i'm just going to watch and wait. i don't want to feel that i've wasted 2 years out of my life because doesn't it always feel that way?? good luck with your endeavours down south! wink.gif
uberjanina
So here's one for any of you.. As you know I'm up in the air about my boy and his being bi which I'm open to. Now our relationship is on the crumbly side and I expressed this to him. He doesn't want me to leave him per se but at the same time he's interested in another guy. I've thrown out there the option of an open relationship but not just for him.We left it at just staying together. He's used to girls dumping him because he knows he doesn't show his appreciation for his females very often but he also know i'm not going to let him take me for a fool. Comfort keeps me attached to him even though I've always loved him with armor between us for this specific reason. Am I an idiot to even move it to an open status just for when he's got an itch for a boy because that's really all it is or so he claims. Everything like that is temporary for him. Like busting a nut, he says. I like the analogy though..

I dunno... my heart is gasping for air. Normally I would have left the guy by now but I'm a sucker....
knorl05
uberjanina: your situation sounds like a very complex version of 'man not wanting to commit'. is the relationship worth it to you? are you willing to wait around until he decides what or who he wants when he wants it? if he's not cool with an open relationship, is that because he doesnt want you dating other guys? personally i say stop giving him so much control in the relationship. you tell him how it's going to be, you tell him what you want, you decide what will make you happy.. if he cant or wont roll with that, you need to decide whether or not he's worth your time and well being.
dj-bizmonkey
uberjanina- i agree with knorl about this appearing like a very complicated way of a man refusing to commit (in my head i'm singing, 'it's the same, old song, but with a different beat....') you need to ask yourself if an open relationship is something that you want as well or if it's just a way to keep him in your life. if it isn't something that you yourself desire, you shouldn't be sacrificing any degree of committment just to please him. you are an equal partner in this relationship too and your needs have to be met as well. don't put all of the focus on solely him. take the bisexuality factor out of it and look at it from this perspective. how do you feel about him needing to be with a different person altogether, regardless of their gender? does it upset you? does it make you uncomfortable? if so, there is your answer. you're giving him way more than he is giving you. i think you may have it twisted in your head because he is bisexual, thinking, 'oh, i'm just uptight and i'm not open enough to his sexuality.' this isn't just about sex. this is about your boyfriend telling you that you, for whatever reason, aren't enough, and he's got to go searching for something else with another person. i couldn't tolerate it, for any meager level of comfort. it is better to be an independent, strong, satisfied SINGLE woman any day of the week than to be in an unbalanced, unequal or unfair relationship. because if he is enough for you and all you need, then it should be the same for him, otherwise, it may be time to send him packing, no matter how painful. you will be better off in the long run. and please, stop depricating yourself, you aren't a sucker, you are simply a human being with human emotions. never apologize or blame yourself for the way you feel, examine it, understand it, get to it's source, but don't hate yourself for it, you are far from an idiot.
uberjanina
sad.gif You guys are right. I keep thinking everything will turn out and i have to take what he says with a grain salt. he says he doesn't want to ruin our relationship but at the same time u gotta take everything he says with a grain of salt just to be on the safe side. i've actually taken a big step by putting out an ad on the bust personals just to see what it's like but i wouldn't surprise me if by our anniversary in 3 weeks things i'll just have a final moment of "u don't deserve me" and just walk away. i wouldn't give him the satisfaction of letting him keep me in his life.

i'll keep you guys posted.

thanks again. i knew i could get this shit off my chest and not have to hear about it in a biased tone.
dj-bizmonkey
any time, uber, any time, and please do let us know how it all turns out. good luck, stay strong.
into_a_bulb
I am bisexual though the only people (other than this board) that I feel safe enough to say so is close friends and no family. My boyfriend also knows. It seems though, that as of late, the only way I can reach a climax is to imagine being with a woman at the time. This has been going on for about two years now and more and more I'm not getting turned on by the sight of a male body at all.
As you can understand, this is a huge problem with a boyfriend of six years.
tyger
into_a_bulb, is it possible you may be gay? i'm just throwing it out there so you can ponder it, mostly because you say you can only climax if you imagine being with a woman and you say you aren't turned on by the male body at all (i'm guessing you mean all male bodies, not just your boyfriend's). we're always around for chatting/bouncing ideas off.

personally, it wasn't until i had a boyfriend that i realized just how much i like girls (in the naughty sex way). i mean, i always knew i was bisexual, but i didn't realize how sexually attracted i was to girls until there was the constant reality of stubbly beardy things and erections pressing through jeans, instead of squishy boobies and cute little vaginas. so, you know, right now i'm missing out on the boobie action, but i'm with a guy who i love and am attracted to, so it's completely worth it. your situation doesn't sound so deal-with-able, you know? is there a local glbtq centre with councelling available you could utilize, just to talk to someone in person and work through what's going on?

((((into_a_bulb))))
the_geiger
((hugs for uberjanina and into_a_bulb)) Hope everything works out okay for you.

Okay, here's my situation that I just want to run past all of you and see what you make of it:

Last November I started dating this amazing woman who I totally fell head over heels for. I mean, its the kind of love that emo songs are made about, the kind where you mentally plan your wedding (and no, she doesn't know this, because that would freak her out, and I'm not the kind of person to be all gushy and lovey anyway). We dated for a couple of weeks, but then she broke up with me because she wanted a chance to get with an old friend of hers. We still hang out a lot, and will see each other at least one more time before school gets out. I am also good friends with the girl that my girl left me for. However, to the best of my knowledge, they didn't get together, so I think she's currently available. However, the semester's almost over, and next year she's heading off to graduate school, although the graduate school is relatively nearby.

Now, a few months after she broke up with me I started going out with this guy, and although I don't love him like I love her, he's a great guy to hang out with and we get along well. This is also a non-monogamous relationship, since he has another girlfriend who is cool and we get along well, so he wouldn't mind if I wanted to pursue something with my ex.

My questions is, should I tell my ex that I still have feelings for her? How should I approach this? Is there even a future in this, since she's going off to graduate school, and I still have two more years of undergraduate study and also want to put in a few years of volunteering and travelling after I graduate, and won't be settling down any time soon.
And also, I don't talk about my feelings much, and it scares me how deeply I feel about her, and I don't know what to do.
into_a_bulb
tyger and the geiger, thank you both.

I never even thought about contacting the GBLT until you just mentioned it tyger. It's just really hard to even consider because I am a mother, a young mother, with extremely religious family members on both sides. The outcome could only be devastating. sad.gif
dj-bizmonkey
Ok, two things. First, into_a_bulb, as scary as it might be to consider the idea that you are actually gay, i think it's something you should explore. Though the consequences of coming out to a super-religious family may appear disastrous, they pale in comparison to those of a life lived in denial of your own identity. The advantage of going to GBLT or even an organization like BGLAAD is that you will be surrounded by people who have gone through the same issues and can help you work through your feelings. My family is ultra-conservative and my brother came out about 6 years ago. I had always considered myself liberal, but you never know how you really feel until some one close to you comes out. I went to alot of BGLAAD meetings on my college campus and they really helped me alot. There were also a few men and women there who felt confused about their own sexuality and the group talks helped them work out their emotions without biasing them one way or another. It's a safe place to express your fears and desires (as is this board). My brother came out to me first and I was really afraid of what my father would do, because he is religious, conservative and from the southern US. He completely surprised me. Though he struggled at first, he couldn't give up his love for his son, despite any pent up prejudice he might have held. I guess, all I'm trying to say through this long winded story is, a)you should work through what you are feeling in a safe and comforting space, be that with a therapist through a homo/bisexual support group, or something to that effect, b)once you've at least scratched the surface of your sexuality, you might try and give your family a little credit, they might surprise you as well. if you do discover that you are more of a lesbian than a bisexual, how, when and who you come out to are all completely personal choices. some people choose to sit down with those they love and tell them flat out, some people just start living their lives openly and let people figure it out on their own. ok, i will stop babbling now, good luck with this quagmire and if you need to express yourself more, this is always a safe space, full of people who know a hell of a lot more than me.

and to the_geiger, this situation sounds like quite an entanglement. first of all, do you think that your ex will take your feelings for her seriously if you are still dating this other guy? i would try and get a better read for her status and find out for sure if she is dating this other lady. Also, if you are friends with this woman as well, do you think it would bother her or hurt her feelings if you tried to pursue something with your ex again? you need to tread lightly and carefully through this. if your feelings are as strong as you say, they need to be acknowledged, but only if it is going to be a relatively positive or at the very least, cathartic experience. You also have to be prepared for the fact that if you put it all out there, you might get rejected, which will be painful. If the relationship does work out and you two are crazy about eachother, then things like distance and traveling can be worked out. Love doesn't conquer all, by any means, but it certainly motivates you to find a way. Good luck! Of course, once again, if you need to vent more or bounce some ideas of people, this a great place to do it.

the_geiger
Thanks, dj-bizmonkey. Nothing's probably going to happen with the girl, I don't think. I think I'll just play things safe, because since last post things have just become more complicated in all our lives.
into_a_bulb
QUOTE(the_geiger @ May 8 2007, 12:14 AM) *
Thanks, dj-bizmonkey. Nothing's probably going to happen with the girl, I don't think. I think I'll just play things safe, because since last post things have just become more complicated in all our lives.


Yeah, thank you for the suggestions though I totally know with 100 percent accuracy how my family would react. They probably wouldn't ostracize me in person but I know they would when my back was turned. So...I have alot of things to think about. And hopefully one day I can understand everything.
tyger
into_a_bulb, don't let your family's reaction be a factor in if you accept who you are. if you are gay, hiding it because of how your family will react will lead you to resent them, not to mention how it will effect you, by forcing yourself to not be true to yourself. it's rough, i know, but you have to do what's best for you first and foremost
dj-bizmonkey
into_a_bulb- i'm glad my random blathering could console you in some way, but i definetly agree with tyger, even if you are certain of your family's reaction, you should still do yourself the justice of figuring out who you really are. good luck, and we're here for you.

geiger, what's happening that made you change your mind?
lapis
into a bulb,
I think before you get overwhelmed by thinking about your family's reaction or consider telling them anything, you might consider exploring your sexuality more. Can you integrate your sexuality into your sex life with boyfriend through fantasy or threesomes or porn? Could you see what dating women is like? Are there specific women you want to be with? I certainly have some friends who are straight and fantasize about women regularly--it is just the headspace they like to be in while having sex. They don't want to date women. I don't want to take the fire away from your problem but there are things you can do to experiment and see how it feels for you before making a public statement about who you are which will have lasting implications on your family relationships. I am rarely attracted to men but find that dating women is very complicated for me so I tend to stick with the few men I get off on. Also, if you decide to come out it might be easier to do so in the context of a relationship. I think most people do appreciate love and if they can see you thriving with someone (even if it's not forever) they will be happy for you because they care about your happiness. Making a claim about your sexuality can be really hard for you and your loved ones when they are just left to their imaginations--sometimes seeing love in action can help them understand it--and this would give you time to explore for yourself and see how it feels.
Not that this is necessarily a good thing, but I also have gay friends who live straight lives. They identify as gay to their straight partners living in loving and supportive straight relationships-- and their true preferences exist in fantasy. Personally, I don't think that makes for a happy person long term because you wind up living unfulfilled but it works for them. They have the conventional relationships and all the power that comes from them. I bet they will come out in 25 years but who knows? They really do love their straight partners and that seems more important to them than living a lifestyle reflecting their true desires. Some of these people have monthly affairs that their spouses are fully aware of. There are all kinds of ways of dealing with your desires--just explore and see what makes you happy. For some people, keeping their family's love may make them happier than pursuing a certain kind of relationship. At any rate, you are supported here. Remember that even exploring your desires is hard work--it's hard to come to terms with what turns you on when it challenges what you've been taught. Acknowledging even that is a big step most people don't take. Don't be hard on yourself--you are doing some important work here, and should celebrate your own self-awareness!
Lesbajew
into the bulb-
I have to agree lapis here. Sexuality is a complicated thing. It also takes unexpected twists and turns. I'd suggest exploring more before you decide.

I actually thought I was a lesbian(I was also out) until a few months ago when I realized I was really attracted to one of my guy friends. He's the only guy I've ever been attracted to. I was worried about telling my friends, especially the guy I came out with, but they think it's cool.
the_geiger
QUOTE
geiger, what's happening that made you change your mind?


Well, the friend of the girl thinks that it's a lost cause and I'll end up embarassing myself, plus the girl is going through some family issues right now.
Mary_LV426
QUOTE(aquagirl2 @ May 9 2006, 09:26 PM) *
My husband and I really, really want to meet cute girls to have a threesome with! I have no idea how to do this. I've been trying to talk to people on Myspace but they always fizzle out. We have been to a swingers club but it is always couples who want to swing and we're not into having another guy there. Lesbian clubs are no good because there's nothing they hate more than couples looking for action, from what I hear. What do we dooooo??? I need advice. I want to start a family in a year and goddammit, I need to get this stuff out of my system NOW because god knows, we're not going to be one of those 45 year old swinger couples at the club with 3 little kids home asleep.


Are you sure you wanna do this? Isn't this infidelity?

So you are curious about diddling another girl? o_O
Mary_LV426
QUOTE(Lesbajew @ May 13 2007, 04:16 PM) *
into the bulb-
I have to agree lapis here. Sexuality is a complicated thing. It also takes unexpected twists and turns. I'd suggest exploring more before you decide.

I actually thought I was a lesbian(I was also out) until a few months ago when I realized I was really attracted to one of my guy friends. He's the only guy I've ever been attracted to. I was worried about telling my friends, especially the guy I came out with, but they think it's cool.


So I suppose you prefer girls hmm? biggrin.gif
dj-bizmonkey
geiger, sounds like you made the right decision, way to feel it out, sometimes, it's better to let sleeping dogs lie and found a different cathartic route, like poetry or painting, or screaming at the top of your lungs etc. you're young (in college, right?) there will be plenty more men and women to get wild about.
the_geiger
Yeah, I'm still in college. Two years left to go!

I probably won't be settling down any time soon either, because I want to do Peace Corps after I graduate and then go for a doctorate in urban planning. (That last bit I just decided a few weeks ago). So I got plenty of time to play the field.
likeanyother
Hey guys, I'm a newbie to the board and in serious need of support.

I've read the posts below by the gal whose boyfriend of 2 years is bi and I'm in a similar situation. However, my I've only been with my boy about 9 months and didn't find out until yesterday that he's bi. According to him it's a latent thing that he's known all along on a deep level, but it's just recently come to the surface. He says it's not a big deal, and that it doesn't change the way he feels about me, but in the spirit of an honest relationship he wanted me to know. I reacted pretty strongly, not because I have a problem with it per se, but mostly because it I thought I knew him so well, and now I'm not so sure. It also brings up a lot of other jealous/insecurity issues along the lines of 'do I satisy him? Is he going to want to explore this?' and so on.

So I guess what I'm looking for is advice from anyone in a similar situation, has a relationship like this worked out for anyone? Also, I'm a big reader so if anyone can recommend any books on the subject that have been helpful I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks so much for listening!
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