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starpiste
I'm trying to get into meditation but struggling with it. I used to do guided qigong when I was younger but it was guided by a family friend and in an environment I was used to. I find it really hard on my own. My counsellor recommended a book (The Mindful Way through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness) It comes with a CD of guided meditations, which I think will help me a lot. That said, I just can't read it. I'm stuck on page 21. It's so depressing to read. Reading about how common relapse is and how every relapse makes another more likely is totally discouraging.

I am making progress with the councelling though. More than I have previously I think.
stargazer
in terms of meditation, it takes ALOT of practice to silence the mind. especially in the beginning. i would often find myself falling asleep. but, with yoga and practice, i find i am improving. i did a mindfulness weekend workshop recently and i was able to meditate for 30 minutes. however, i found that having someone facilitate the process helped me. so, i bought cds with someone talking me through the process which i found helpful.

keeping practicing with meditation!

sassy, childhood memories can bring a flood of emotions. i think it is great that you are allowing yourself to grieve the past. maybe with time when you see old familiar places, you won't be as sad as you are now. it takes time though.

as for me, i have waves of depression. still not sleeping well at times. trying to get a handle of things even when they feel out of control. it helps to visit with friends. it just sucks when i'm alone cause then i think. thinking is hazardous to my health.
Muffy
stargazer, I have the same problem of just sitting around thinking when I'm alone. Sometimes its good because I'm an artist, sometimes not so much because its like poison.

I practice yoga and mediation. Many times I have a hard time staying 'in the moment' and not thinking of anything when I practice. I agree its something that comes with time. I used to be pretty good at quieting my mind, not so much lately.
sassygrrl
((depressed busties)))

I'm heading to a meditation workshop in a few weeks. I'm finding "seated meditation" extremely difficult, because I can't ever shut off my mind. I'm sure that's a common thing for people.

Depression dealing with the childhood memories. My parents keep asking if I went in the driveway. I said that I got to the driveway. My mother kept saying : WHAT?

Also still trying to deal with some ex boyfriend issues. Two have popped back up (as recently as today), and one IMed me about his family and his children. All I can respond to was that Mcgeek and I were getting a new puppy. I know it's not the same, but for us it's sort of a stepping stone. I think this serious college boyfriend was just checking up to wish me congrats on the engagement. It's just one of those were I have to release with some boyfriend demons. THEY'RE BACK!! Bleh. mad.gif

Off to a nap.
stargazer
sassygrrl, dude, don't compare your life to someone else's cause you will eventually put yourself down on the list. you have a great relationship with mcgeek. so things didn't workout with some of the exes. some were good, some were horrible. maybe you just weren't ready for the good ones. doesn't matter. look at what is in front of you. i kinda have this belief that people, things, situations, whatever, come back into your life to help you learn from your past. it is always about learning and understanding yourself a little more.

i have zoya to thanks for reminding me the last part. i got stuck in the past and to focused with trying to control the outcome instead of just letting things happen. like with my current situation. it sucks balls not knowing how things will turn out. i know i am taking a major risk, but alot of good things have come out of my taking risks. that is why i know i make a good leader. nothing ventured, nothing gained.
candycane_girl
Wow, it's been a while since I've been in here. I guess mainly because I haven't felt depressed for a long time. I don't feel depressed now but I do have a feeling that it's something I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life.

sassy, I have to agree with what star said. As for the meditation thing, I know how difficult it can be to shut off your mind. I know that it's not meditation, but sometimes the one thing that clears my head is exercise. It's mainly because after cardio I lift weights and the only thing going through my mind is "breathe one, breathe two", etc. I just concentrate on my breathing and what number of rep I'm on.

Does anyone have any experience with going off of meds? I've been on Celexa for about two years. I think I'm ready to go off of it, I know that it's a long process (last year I went off, kind of against doctor's orders and ended up depressed all over again). I'm seeing my doctor on Friday to talk about it but I just wondered what everyone in here thinks.
starpiste
I had success going off celexa about two years ago. I'm back on it again, and starting to think about going off in December (although that's a little risky with Christmas and all so who knows). I basically discuss with my doctor and therapist if they think I'm ready. Last time they thought I was ready before I did.

I tapered off 30mg pretty slowly. I think a month total. All my side-effects from the first few weeks on them returned, but nothing worse. It wasn't great, but it was ok. I also checked in with my doctor about a month later and was still seeing my therapist the whole time. I had a bit of a game plan in terms of what I was going to do to avoid back sliding right away. Like extra time for myself, getting into a gym routine, etc.

hmm. I think the defining thing for me was that I went onto meds because of situational things. I have a history of depression and anxiety, but have them generally controlled. I felt I was ready to go off the meds when I had worked through those situations and felt my previous coping strategies would be adequate. In hindsight, even though I have since relapsed, I don't think it was at all related to not being on the meds.
stargazer
can you taper down on your medication to see how you are feeling?? i tried going off my lexapro last Fall, only to have heart palpitations Feb. 2008. So, yeah, I needed the medication. After a week of being back on my meds, I was able to focus and sleep better. Good luck candy!
pollystyrene
Ugh, I'm having one of those nights and I don't want to bring everybody in kvetch down.

My house is a mess. Every time I get the smallest bit of motivation to clean or organize something, I realize I can't do it until I clean/organize something else (i.e., can't put away all the stuff on the kitchen counter until I reorganize the cabinet most of it goes in....can't do that until I put all my spices into the spice rack LeMom got me for Christmas that I haven't even opened...no sense in doing that until I clean the other kitchen counter where the spice rack will go.........) Then I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed. And then I find myself back in front of the computer and nothing gets done.

LeBoy is getting on my nerves. Last night he bought $10/pound turkey lunch meat from this nice deli where he gets sandwiches for lunch sometimes. We don't have the money for $10/pound turkey. And yes, he bought a full pound. Then, tonight, he was watching some stupid TV show with the volume cranked up. I kept asking him to turn it down (I was in the kitchen making dinner) but he said he couldn't hear it because of the fan in the window. I stormed out. Now I'm too pissed to go back in there and watch The Office with him.

We're in financial hell. I haven't told LeBoy yet, but we got the bill for his biopsies and mole removal. They want $600. I don't think insurance paid very much. I think they thought it was a cosmetic procedure...um, no- removing "atypical" moles isn't cosmetic. The 1.5 inch scar on LeBoy's arm from the removal ain't doin' anything for his looks. Isn't it cheaper to remove them now than maybe pay for cancer treatment later?!?! He needs to contact them and set them straight. I haven't dealt with any of my own medical bills from my surgery in March.

I keep pressuring him to look for a new, better-paying job, but feel like I have no place to talk since I make less than he does and took a small pay cut for this job. Actually, after my raise, I'm making more than I was at any of my previous jobs, but it pretty much makes no difference because of how expensive everything is now. He hates his job and gets paid crap....um, time for a new one.

I know it's getting to a point where I should go back into therapy and maybe get on meds again. That just feels like another thing to add to my To Do list, though. And more money to spend. I wish my old therapist hadn't left the place I was going to. I don't want to start all over again with someone new. I guess after not seeing her for 4 years, though, I'd practically be starting over with her, anyway, though.

I just want to get under the covers with the kitty. sad.gif
stargazer
(((polly))) i will come hide under the covers with you. sad.gif
mornington
((((polly)))) room for a third?
lananans
((polly)) I have days like that too, where everything just seems completely insurmountable, but they pass. You will be okay, and you have us to talk to!

I was wondering - is anyone here on Celexa? I was wondering if anyone knew about the relationship between Celexa and weight gain. Because I have gained 35lbs since starting it almost three years ago, and I thought that was just my eating habits... but I really didnt change them all that much. So I guess just out of curiosity, what are peoples experiences with Celexa? Also has anyone ever tried to get off of it? I have, once, but I was too freaked out about it and just ended up going back on the meds.
damona
((((polly)))) i have had those days. frequently. my house is a disaster and at the moment, i just don't care.

ok, question for everyone: my almost 10 yr old son was just started on prozac for anxiety. he's been pulling his hair out (he has a bald spot from it), picking at his cuticles til they bleed, and he is just generally highstrung and tightly wound. he's on 10mg a day. how long, on average, does it take to kick in and start helping to calm the nerves? i know what the literature says, and i took zoloft for post-partum depression after #3, but i have no experiance with prozac. anyone?
neurotic.nelly
((((polly)))) ((((depressed busties))))
I got into a bit of an argument with two older women at work, it was in a group setting, my anxiety reared it's ugly, dormant head and I completely cut one of them off after she had cut me off three times, to tell her that I didn't want to talk about this anymore - I said this and nearly bit the trainers head off along with the other lady. The day ended on a fairly upbeat note, and I am so proud of myself for sticking it out, because I just wanted to jet after that situation and stick my head in the dirt. But now, I am in the hole. Why, why, why??? am I still thinking about it, and totally beating myself up?? Because now, now, now, people are going to talk. About me, and how mean I am. And I am struggling with low self esteem again as a result of this... I have tried really hard not to let this kick me in the hole. But, it did.
stargazer
damona, i have no experience with prozac. but, it generally takes 3-4 weeks with any medication to see any changes in behavior. that being said, if you do not find the medication helpful, then let the doc know. on a side note, prozac is used mainly for depression. i'm surprised they did not prescribe a different med for his anxiety. keeping my fingers cross the meds work for him!

neurotic.nelly-yeah, my anxiety makes me snippy with others too. you can't beat yourself too much over it. i would talk to the person you cut off, own up to the behavior, and move on. that's all you have control over. in the past year, with my stress level, i know i've reacted in ways i'm not happy about.
neurotic.nelly
thanks stargazer, i hate anxiety, and owning up to behavior is what i try to do, and I did that as best I could with the lady, but she basically ignored me. she is kinda near baby boomer age and really obnoxious, loud, and self absorbed, i got that about her, and tried to steer clear of her, and I nearly did. everyday I get away from it, I feel better. today is day four!
mornington
Damona - what star said; at least three weeks for it to kick in, if you're not seeing any change after six (or a negative change earlier), then go back to his doc. Fingers crossed for the little guy!

Star, prozac is prescribed for anxiety here in the uk, it seems like a "starter" drug almost (as in if it doesn't work, try something else, but it's pretty tried-and-tested safe).
funk0039
Hello,

If it helps any, I can tell you quite a lot about the effects of antidepressants, because I am taking them myself. Unfortunately, there is a reality to this that most people don't know about. All the pills do is take the edge off depression, like aspirin does for pain. You are STILL bummed out, but it's easier to respond to therapy. Ultimately the only real way to feel better about yourself is to change how you are thinking. You've got to shift your perspective on a fundamental nature. I'm sorry, but there's no magic bullet, and it takes a MINIMUM of 3 weeks on any dosage to see results, for me it's usually a month.

What I'd concentrate on is trying to make your life better. You have to also set yourself up for good things to maybe happen in the future, even though it's not guaranteed to work. For example, I know darn well that going back to school isn't going to fix things, but it might help me feel more productive and help me meet people. So, I'm trying to get my academic school year 2000-2001 deleted, and then I'm going to transfer my remaining grades to another college and begin part time classes. If I start slow I can hopefully deal with any problems that might arise from the stress. But, I don't know that the college board will approve my desire, so all I can do is hope.

Try doing little things at first, like making sure your home is tidy and clean, or if you can't do that maybe force yourself to do something to stay healthy, like taking a shower and going for a walk when the depression gets bad. Often, it helps me to be near people, to interact with them because it provides me a mirror. This lets me realize I'm really not such a bad guy, that how I'm thinking is an illusion.

I really hope this helps!

candycane_girl
funk, I totally agree with your whole last paragraph. Meds definitely are not a magic fix and it's really good just to try to get in the habit of at least accomplishing a little something every day (even if it's just tidying up or cooking a meal).

I'm kind of annoyed. I was supposed to see my doctor yesterday but I guess she was out sick. I really would like to start getting off these meds but I'm not even going to try to cut down without getting her approval first. She's pretty smart and I trust her opinion.
funk0039
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Sep 13 2008, 04:47 AM) *
funk, I totally agree with your whole last paragraph. Meds definitely are not a magic fix and it's really good just to try to get in the habit of at least accomplishing a little something every day (even if it's just tidying up or cooking a meal).

I'm kind of annoyed. I was supposed to see my doctor yesterday but I guess she was out sick. I really would like to start getting off these meds but I'm not even going to try to cut down without getting her approval first. She's pretty smart and I trust her opinion.


Okay, first off, never even contemplate that unless the side effects are incredibly severe. For example, I was once on Zoloft and my emotions would go from ecstatic to depressed inside of a minute! That scared the hell out of me. You DO have to be very firm with a doctor when you are going out of your mind from medication's effects!

Second, try not to ingest a lot of caffeine or alcohol. Apparently this sort of medication has a tendency to strengthen the effects of both of drugs, ESPECIALLY in that first month! You are going to suffer the side effects far faster than the good stuff, and all of the side effects will be the worst in this month, with a tendency for the bad crap weakening over time. Finally, if you seem to be in long term depression, don't expect the pills to be effective forever. Your body does develop a tolerance for it eventually, and there's only so high the doc can take the dosage to.

They're meant to be like jump starting a car battery, just an initial boost to get you into therapy where you can begin working on the problems you have.

By the by, I once had a gf who tried getting low dosage electric shock therapy. This is done when the depression is incredibly severe and nothing else seems to work. She complained that it erased her memory of the day that had occurred, but it DID help her feel better for a while. I was very worried for her, and although I don't know where she is now I hope she feels better.
damona
thanks y'all, for your input. i know the meds are not a magic fix for him, but the poor kid is a wreck. he's been seeing his current therapist about a year (the guy before that was useless) and the guy just announced he's moving his office 30 miles in the opposite direction. i don't care, he's actually starting to get thru to my boy, if he moved to california i'd try to figure out a way to get my son there once a week!

for the record, i am not trying to drug my kid into silence and submission. i'm trying to help him find a way to smooth the rough edges so he can deal with the world better. he is so hyperactive he literally vibrates at times, and can't maintain eye contact. and the anxiety stuff is getting out of control. he bursts into tears at the slightest thing, he doesn't want to play outside a lot of the time b/c he's afraid of bugs, or getting hurt... but other times he'll go out and disappear on me for hours! i hate seeing my kid go thru this stuff.

(((((((busties))))))))
candycane_girl
((((((damona)))))) I hope that the medication works for your son. I can't imagine what it would be like to feel as nervous and anxious as you've described.

funk, I've been on Celexa for over two years and I never really had to suffer from many side effects. I want to go off of meds because I feel that I've reached a place where I can finally deal with depression without relying on chemicals. Life is pretty good right now but even when there are tough times I've been able to just deal with it rather than giving up and feeling hopeless the way I used to.
funk0039
This is good! The funny thing about antidepressants is that everybody reacts to them in a unique way. For example, I've taken Wellbutrin and it didn't do a thing for me, and no side effects either. There really is no way to predict how somebody will react so it's all trial and error.

If you're thinking about going off this medication because you don't feel you need it, great! However, don't do it unsupervised because there's a chance that you could either have withdrawal symptoms from going off it too fast or worse, you find that you are getting depressed again. A really good psychiatrist will be able to read the subtle differences in you a month after you reduce the dosage, for better or for ill. That's about the time it takes for the medication to run its cycle through your system fully.
lananans
funk -- it's true about your body getting used to the meds. I've been on Celexa for almost three years now, and recently I had to increase my dosage to 40mg/day because I had a really bad episode..

candycane -- did you experience any weight gain?? I've heard that can be a side effect of Celexa, and I have gained a lot of weight since taking it, but I'm not sure if the two are related at all. I tried to go off of it once, but then I had a bad day and was scared so I told my doctor that I couldn't deal without it.

I've been thinking that maybe I would like to go off of the medication as well. I also feel like I'm at a place in my life where I can handle things. I'm just afraid of what the transition would be like. I think once it was out of my system I would be okay, but dealing with that interim period would not be good.

((damona)) - I hope things work out for your son. Hugs for him too!
funk0039
Listen, this is for everybody on this thread.

It's absolutely crucial that you find people to have around you on a regular basis. They provide a reflection that lets you know when you are getting depressed, unreasonable and illogical. They can cheer you up, and let you know when you are out to lunch, and therefore when you need help! Medication won't make sure you fall into depression, all it does is make it less likely to have really bad days. No guarantees are made at all.

Finally, it makes a HUGE difference when you are depressed and you help someone in need in spite of it. It's a wonderful way to fight your sadness if you do some sort of public service or volunteer work. I recommend an animal shelter. They always have dogs that need to be walked, and loved. I have a deep love for fuzzies of all kinds, but I am REALLY dealing with some bad allergies so I can't fool around with cats without penalties afterwards. The problem is I LOVE KITTENS, THEY CRACK ME UP!
konphusion26
I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I'm at the point now where I could give a f*** about getting out of bed every day. I sleep all the time and don't want to go anywhere, do anything or be bothered by anyone -- this includes my husband. I'm feeling down at least 4 days out of a week. WTF is wrong with me?

I really do not want to visit those pill pushing doctors of mine. I don't have a job so I couldn't afford it anyway. Kinda at wits end yall. And I don't know what to do. I have a pretty good life, but there's gotta be more to it than what I'm seeing/experiencing.

Anyway, love you all and hope you feel better soon.
funk0039
QUOTE(konphusion26 @ Sep 15 2008, 12:47 PM) *
I've never been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I'm at the point now where I could give a f*** about getting out of bed every day. I sleep all the time and don't want to go anywhere, do anything or be bothered by anyone -- this includes my husband. I'm feeling down at least 4 days out of a week. WTF is wrong with me?

I really do not want to visit those pill pushing doctors of mine. I don't have a job so I couldn't afford it anyway. Kinda at wits end yall. And I don't know what to do. I have a pretty good life, but there's gotta be more to it than what I'm seeing/experiencing.

Anyway, love you all and hope you feel better soon.


There's a good chance you are in deep dooky, you worry the hell out of me because I can see where this is leading. First off, you need to seek professional help, even if you have to use a charity service. You are going to lose everything you've ever cared about if this keeps up.

I've tried to make sure that I have something that requires me to get out of bed and take care of myself and someone else. Since I don't have a wife or girlfriend, for the longest time it was simply feeding my fish and taking a shower. It really helps to take care of yourself and your surroundings!

If you pay attention to nothing else in this letter, memorize the following: Right now you are miserable, and losing the joys you once loved so deeply. This is a warning light coming from deep within you, that's why it hurts. You have to do something to change your life, and even if you don't succeed at the first few things you try, eventually you WILL stumble upon the right thing. If you don't get help, eventually you may lose your marriage and even suicide. Please, for the love of all that's holy, help yourself! Find a therapist, take the medication(if they know your situation they WILL help!).

ANYTHING is better than the course you are on now, and you know it. If you have any love for your husband, fight this increasing desire to stop functioning.

Save yourself, if only for his sake and not your own! I'm really worried about you!
sassygrrl
I have to agree with funk here. See if you can at least get out of bed, even if it's just to brush your teeth.
Some days are better than others. I'm learning (and it's been a long lesson) to at least try to get the hell out of the house if I can just for a walk.

I agree with you on the pill poppers. I have tried them before. I found my therapist thru my old doctor.
I finally got off medication, and have found that therapy works wonder. Or my friends help a lot.

((konphusion26))

As for me, you'd think getting me a little puppy would help! I'm still very depressed. I'm just going through mad fits of crying, and not wanting to leave the house. Mcgeek doesn't help much either. His sometimes positive vibe really gets to me.

I'm still really upset about not having a job, a broken toe, etc.
I'm trying (damn it's hard) to focus on the good things in my life. I've scheduled a bunch of movie dates thru meetup.com, as a way to get the hell out of the house. I need to be around people(and not the furry kind). I've become such a hermit over the summer. I know the toe accident was just that, an accident. But, it's fucked me a bit.

I'm also considering going to part time classes at one of the university. It'll keep my mind busy, and be a preview again for grad school.

((love to all of us)))
funk0039
Keep in mind the medication isn't intended for long term use! It's just a crutch until the therapy kicks in. Ultimately you have to change how you are thinking, because right now you are in a vicious circle. A lot of times the real problem is that your perspective is off, so you see everything in a negative light. I'm guilty of this too, I know what it's like. In the beginning it's nearly impossible to keep a portion of your mind separate from the rest so it can observe what the rest of you is thinking/feeling.
candycane_girl
lananans, I have experienced quite a bit of weight gain but like you, I'm not sure if it's related. For a while I stopped exercising and while I wasn't eating huge amounts of food, the actual food I was eating was not very healthy. But I've never been as heavy as I am now and I have to wonder if the meds play a part in it. Hopefully I can see my doctor this week and talk to her about getting off of them.
olivarria
I'm sorry to say i am not getting better. I think I have developed severe social anxiety and shyness which is practically debilitating - I avoid going out of my room most of the time, and have slightly agoraphobic tendencies, but not full-fledged. I am at college and it's my first time living on a university campus - it's not as great as I thought it would be. I don't feel like I fit in here at all - I haven't made any friends. It seems like the campus is one big high school/sorority/fraternity and it's very hard to be myself here. Also, I am 24 years old, a few years older than many of the students here, and that makes me feel even more out of place. I generally get along best with people about mid-twenties to 40's. I've had quite a bit more experience in the workforce, in relationships, and with life in general than most of these people, although i realize I'm still young myself and have much experience to gain. The funny thing is, many people here act very pretentious and talk down to me because I look way younger than i am. I graduate in less than a year, and then i can go to graduate school, and won't live on campus. I joined the campus ACLU to make friends and meet like-minded people, but there are only about 10 people in it - i don't know them very well yet, and my only good friend lives one state away.

i feel really lonely all the time, and am just now getting back into therapy. I cry at the drop of a hat, and my depression is just getting worse and worse every day. I'm having trouble even getting out of bed because I just don't care about anything anymore, and I'm extremely homesick (for Austin TX). I'm going to ask my dr. to increase my medicine. I sometimes feel better for a while and i think it's over, but then I slide downhill again. I have no motivation whatsoever, even to live sometimes (but I'm not contemplating suicide don't worry). i feel i just want to hide in my room forever because I feel I just can't function anymore. It's hard just to do the dishes or homework or to wake up - why bother? I feel like I barely make it through each day. i try to read motivational quotes and stuff like but I just can't feel joy or optimism anymore. I just got a letter saying I am owed over $2,000 in back-taxes because of some mistake that was made, and I don't even feel very excited about that. My birthday is in 2 weeks but I just dread it now. I think the only place I can be myself anymore is the BUST boards (and my mom). i just feel dead inside - I'm sure some of you know how it feels.

I hope you're all doing better. (((Hugs)))
neurotic.nelly
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((olivarria))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

major hugs for you. hang in there. I am sending you virtual flowers that are due any moment now, picture yourself surrounded by bunches and bunches of yellow and pink roses.

eta: i hope you like roses and the colors yellow and pink, otherwise picture the flowers that most suit you. I am thinking too much now.... rolleyes.gif

(((((((depressed busties)))))))
lananans
(((olivarra)) - I understand exactly what it is like to feel like that. In my second year of university I was in a bad living situation with four other girls, only two of whome i kind of liked, and I basically locked myself in my room and couldn't get out of bed and lost 15 pounds in two weeks.... but, from that experience, I can say that it does get better! It may not seem like it right away, but things always get better. Next year when you're in grad school you will meet more like-minded people, and even the people in the ACLU could be nice once you get to know them. BIG HUGS!

candycane -- I'm in sort of the same situation, so I've never been as heavy as I am now, but at the same time, I haven't had the greatest eating habits in the last few years (changing that now with weight watchers) - once i find a family doctor here, I think I'm going to go talk to them about the medication. Lately I feel like I know that it's working, but depression is something that is lurking - there any second waiting to hit me, but it's *just* being held off.... if that makes any sense...

((depressed busties))
stargazer
(((olivarria))) i'm so sorry things are so rough for you right now. i think it is a good idea that you are asking for an increase in your meds. may i ask what meds you are on? feel free to pm if you don't want to post it here. in the Fall 2006 when i had debilitating panic attacks and agoraphobia, i was prescribed klonopin for when i had panic attacks along with lexapro. i took it in the morning when i tended to have panic attacks. after a month, i did not need the klonopin. i just use lexapro now. also, good to hear you are in therapy. would journaling help you? i totally understand everything you posted in here.


keep posting here and letting us know how you are doing. and you know, it is ok to take a break from school for mental health reasons if things get too tough. school will always be there. make sure to take care of you.
Muffy
olivarria *hugs* I understand. I've been there and still am.

I almost envy those that can sleep all day, I can't sleep at all! I want to sleep, I just lay there and finally get frustrated and try to do something else, regardless of what hour of the day/night it is.

There are days I want to hide in my room. My relationship with my mother has severely deteriorated as she seems to lack empathy, so if she's home I just stay in my room. My friends seem to not wish to be around me or they are really busy I'm not certain which. I was so happy today just thinking that I was going out tonight to a punk show - I was going to go by myself just to get out of the house and try to make myself less miserable.. then I went online and noticed that it wasn't until tomorrow night and I have to work! I have to work all weekend. My mood kind of plummeted at that point.

I would imagine maybe some school counselors are better than the one I talked to about what has been bothering me. I felt he was completely useless. He told me to 'focus on school' which I have been doing, I have a 4.0! I felt like he didn't even listen! I really wanted to someone to just listen. I feel like I always listen to everyone else and no one really listens to me when I'm feeling down. I'm also incredibly lonely and makes me feel worse. I met with him three times and today he sent me on my way as if everything is going to be okay just because he told me it will if I 'focus on school.' Yeah that's great and all, but it didn't help with me socially which was my main concern. Sure I had other concerns which school may help... I don't know I'm just a little frustrated.

hope everyone has a good weekend : )
olivarria
Thank you all for your feedback and support - it really helps I think. I went to therapy on Friday and my new therapist talked to me for 2 1/2 hours! I like her and left feeling better, but the weekend has definitely been a struggle. I went to the cafeteria twice yesterday, and to the library to get Carnivale Season 2 and some books, so I'm somewhat proud of myself. It's really hard to get out of bed and do these things - I am just now getting up and it's about 2 pm! It's really hard to motivate myself or to care about anything, even taking a shower and doing the dishes. But I'm really trying, or trying to try. Maybe I should get a self-help book? Like "Undoing Depression" or something? I know it's really cheesy, but it couldn't hurt. I'm taking my medicine diligently and might even have it increased by my doctor. I'm trying to stick to a strict schedule, because I know that helps. My new therapist is trying to help me with my social anxiety - I can barely make eye contact much of the time, but I'm really lonely and have a hard time making friends becaue of my shyness. I place far too importance on how I look, and that's a really big factor in my depression, also waiting far too long to get help. I don't think I can make friends or date if i don't even like myself - so I can't expect other people to like me either until I have more self-confidence.

Stargazer, I am on Lexapro and Wellbutrin XL, which generally work well for me. i tend to have agoraphobic tendencies too, but mostly because I am afraid of people. I should really try to get out more.

Sassygrrl, puppies and cute animals are the only thing that make me smile right now! I read that holding a baby or puppy makes a rush of oxytocin flood your brain, much like when you have an orgasm. Ugh I have no sex drive right now. Thank your all for the "hugs" and support. (((Everyone))) Hope you're all doing well.
stargazer
(((olivarria))) it sounds like you are being very proactive which is a good thing. seriously. just keep doing what you are doing.
olivarria
Okay, this is not going to be a pleasant post so i'm sorry, but I'm feeling very desperate right now. I have been trying to go out and be active, but I have severe social anxiety made worse by the depression and I keep coming back to my dorm crying. I've increased my medicine by a little bit on my own because the doctor hasn't returned my calls yet. I'm finding it very difficult to function and I'm very unhappy where I am - but I don't know what the alternative is. I keep having really morbid thoughts of death and cutting myself but I have no plans to do so ( i hope i don't scare everybody). I really want to stop having these thoughts. I'm starting to feel very hopeless and I don't know what to do - I feel trapped and like it's never going to get better. I'm feeling really alone and this is my only outlet right now - my therapy appt. isn't until Thursday. i really really don't want to be hospitalized - I have responsibilities right now, namely school, and i really want to finish. But I can't function like this. Does anyone know anything that can help?
stargazer
does your school have a hotline where you could talk with someone tonight? i would also go in before your appointment with your therapist because it is an emergency. i really think you need a medication for the severe panic attacks for when you get hit with the agoraphobia. i've been there. medication really helped me to get out of my house. take care of yourself. your responsibilties don't mean shit if you are not emotionally well to attend to them. you should be the priority right now.
funk0039
Okay, I'm breaking my silence despite my previous experience on other threads. This is too scary to ignore.

First off, I tried doing the same thing you are doing, staying in school and trying to continue. The October it happened, my grades dropped from A-B to straight C's. After that, straight F's.

You are in the exact same position, you are bouncing ever closer to hospitalization, and I bet your GPA is dropping like a rock even now.

I'm going to tell you some hard truths, neither of us will like it. First off, cancel all your classes right now. If you don't, and you have to go on SSDI later, your life will be hell to fix once you've recovered. Feel free to pm me, or better yet talk to me via yahoo messenger as funk0039. I will give you all the details that I endured and you can make your own decision about your future.

Second, there will come a point that you won't want to go to the hospital or talk with anyone else, including this forum. When that occurs, you won't be thinking in a sane fashion at all, and are close to death, very close indeed. I came within inches, literally, on multiple occasions, to being a bloody spatter atop some train tracks.

Before that happens, put yourself in the hospital! Have somebody take care of any living things in your home, and bring a soft pillow because theirs are usually pretty firm. This is severe, far deadlier than merely being physically hurt. Therapy isn't enough if you are getting this close, and your therapist will insist on your going to the hospital the instant it's discovered how bad a situation you are in.

Better yet, you can call me on the phone if you wish. My contact info is on my profile. Use it if you get scared. I don't mind expending my minutes no matter how many are used up, this is too important. I know in exquisite detail what you are enduring right now, I don't want you to die! ohmy.gif
pollystyrene
*cough*MWET*cough*

Sorry, something in my throat.

olivarria, certainly do get help asap if you're thinking about hurting yourself. I've been there, done that, got kicked out of college because I got so deep I failed all my classes. It sucks. It does get better. I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did to get help.

Here's the number for the USA Self-Injury Help by S.A.F.E. (Self Abuse Finally Ends):
1-800-DONT-CUT (1-800-366-8288)

I got it off the resources page of PostSecret.

Please get some help with a live person, whether it's the hotline, your therapist (go see them, appointment or not!) Please continue to post here- we want you around!
kittenb
QUOTE
I keep having really morbid thoughts of death and cutting myself but I have no plans to do so ( i hope i don't scare everybody).


It is scary to hear about someone that we care about having such dark thoughts. That said, it is good that you are able to share them so thank you.

I would like to add one number to polly's list: 1-800-SUICIDE. Even if you feel like you are not at that point it might help to have someone you can talk with right now.
lananans
It's good that you're reaching out Olivarria -- I've been there as well -- talking to someone really does help... and a lot of us know what you are going through.. we do want you around! And like kitten said - thanks for sharing, it's a good step.

((hugs))
funk0039
I'm sorry. I was really trying to help. I figured that since the lady in trouble didn't know anything about me, if I wrote a little about myself it might help establish credentials. Apparently it's a bad idea to post any more, because no matter what I do I can't seem to get it right. I'm sorry I offended, I didn't mean to.

Seems like no matter how hard I try, I keep fucking up. I'm sorry to subject any of you to my stupidity/foolishness. I didn't want anyone to have to suffer the way I did, and am still. I thought I could help someone avoid the same mistakes I made.

I'm sorry. sad.gif
funk0039
QUOTE(pollystyrene @ Sep 22 2008, 10:56 PM) *
*cough*MWET*cough*

Sorry, something in my throat.


I'm sorry. I really am. I didn't mean to offend, I just wanted to help.
Muffy
funk0039, I can't speak for everyone but this is a depression thread and what you said didn't strike me as offensive. I thought we were all here to share and try to support each other.

olivarria, I hope you are getting the help you need.. my thoughts are with you.
funk0039
I have been getting ripped on a lot lately from this forum. I looked up what pollystyrene called me, it's wasn't nice. My reaction was made worse by my own deepening depression.
pollystyrene
Dude, I am not going to further contaminate this thread to deal with your petulant whining and I don't think you should either. You wanna talk about this, Take It Outside.
neurotic.nelly
((((((((((((((((((((((((olivarria)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

please keep reaching out to BUSTies and/or the 1-800 lines. Now, I am sending you more virtual flowers with a little fairy doctor inside with the correct perscription of meds for you, and she always calls you right back.

I hope you reach your doctor soon, forreals. Big Hugs.

starpiste
(((olivarria)))

Don't worry about our posts not being "pleasant". This thread is the perfect place for those posts and you should feel welcome to make as many as you need.

For the getting outside, it is worth doing everyday. However, I know that when I was fighting the worst of my agoraphobia going out onto actual streets was dangerous/embarrasing because I was so unfocused/crying. What I ended up doing was wondering around my apartment building hallways for like 10 minutes. I tried not to be focused on going out AND doing something - way too stressful. If all I got was out of my apartment for 10 minutes I considered it a success. Baby Steps.

How often are you seeing the therapist? It might be that for the first few weeks seeing her fairly often (like 2x a week) will be helpful.

oh, one last thing self-help books are awesome and not at all cheesy. However, finding one you like can be difficult because there are so many with such different approaches. Amazon.com has lots of reviews. Also, with every book you'll have to filter what what you respond well to from what you don't like so much. I'd be happy to recommend some stuff I personally liked (or didn't but came highly recommended). Your therapist can probably make good suggestions too.
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