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candycane_girl
I'm glad the therapy has been going well for you, ch. The thing is that even when you've been going for a long time, if you get really upset over something it can feel really difficult to keep in mind everything that you're learning in therapy. Honestly, there were times that I would actually go home and write down things that my psychologist said, like little tips. That might help you, if you have a notebook that you can go to and consult when you're in a really low place.
stargazer
(((CH))) That's really awesome to read, CH. smile.gif

Mindfulness has helped me to ride those waves of emotions as they arise for me. I think I would try to fight them off alot, unsuccessfully. I still get depressed or anxious at times, but, I'm more accepting of those feelings when they come up. It will only last a couple of minutes, hours, or a day. I don't get as flooded by my emotions like I used to. Oh, with the period thing, you know, I used to get really crazy around the time of my period a couple of years ago. I noticed this pattern changed after I detoxed with my naturopath. I don't know if it was connected with all of the sugar in my body or what. A combination of poor diet and increase in hormones is not good for PMS.

(((more hugs for CH)))
culturehandy
ccg, I do have a notebook that I carry around with me and write stuff down. I'm not very good at journaling, so I do it in point form. I also take note of what happens when I meditate.

I also see a Reiki practitioner, that was intense and I really liked it. I'm going to see her next week.
epinephrine
I couldn't decide whether to post this in here or in the Becoming Healthy thread. I exercise regularly, and in the past I've found it to be absolutely the most effective way of dealing with depression, but lately something's different. Over the past few months, I've noticed that I get really emotional after a workout, when I used to feel happy and relaxed. I get all pumped up after a good workout, and apparently so do my emotions. The only time I cry these days is in the shower after a workout. It's like I have PMS for an hour, and then it goes away. Are my hormones spiking or something? Is it low blood sugar? What the hell is going on? This is supposed to be making me better! These mood swings are gonna kill me...

ETA: this is post #333! Better make a wish or something...
candycane_girl
epi, how hard are you working out? If you are doing really intense exercise then that could have an effect on the endorphins and how they're affecting your emotions. Also, is it sad crying? Like, sometimes I cry and I might even feel really upset in the moment but afterward it is such a great release that I actually feel happy.
epinephrine
It only happens when I've worked out pretty hard, especially cardio. I know it's endorphins and stuff, 'cause I've always used them as a sort of natural mood control, but I've never had them affect me this way. Usually it's the opposite; usually I'm all calm and happy and blissed out after a good hard workout. But this is definitely sad crying, and I don't feel "purged" after. It's just like the mood swings I've been having for the past few months, only it's very acute, and it's triggered by exercise. I work out, go to have a shower, and suddenly find myself filled with rage and sadness. I stew for a while, cry a bit, and then it sort of ebbs away. But it saps my energy and leaves me feeling fragile and crazy. I wonder if it's my body trying to release all the anger and depression I've been unconsciously bottling up. It's just really strange.
stargazer
QUOTE(epinephrine @ Oct 12 2009, 11:23 PM) *
I wonder if it's my body trying to release all the anger and depression I've been unconsciously bottling up. It's just really strange.


With dedicated yoga practice, I've found that when I'm in the final pose of savasana at the end of a rigorous class that I would release alot of tension I've held in the day. Almost like I was able to let go after holding myself up just to get through the day some days.

I'm dreading the holiday season. The holidays have a way of exacerbating the level of loneliness I struggle with on a daily basis. I know it is not for some time, but, I've been thinking about it alot.
candycane_girl
epi, you could be right about releasing all of the pent up tension and sadness. I know that you had a horrible time with the break up and maybe working out just brings out remnants of it. It sucks though because working out is usually a great way to clear the mind.

((((star)))) do you have a lot of friends to hang out with during the holidays?

I'm feeling a bit sad about cc_boy and myself. He came out to my little birthday celebration on Friday but then he drank way too much and was extremely sick (ie puking numerous times) the whole day. We had concert tickets for Saturday night but he was in absolutely no shape to go so I went by myself. I'm disappointed because I was really looking forward to going to the concert with him but I'm sure he's already disappointed in himself.

The thing is that on Friday he kept saying that he had missed me and that he loves me and I just felt like "well, if you miss me so much then why don't you bother making time for me?"

And then I feel hypocritical because I am seriously too busy to see him for the next two weeks. Like, how can I get mad at him for not having time for me when I don't have time for him (at least right now) either? I was talking to one of my friends and he said, "really, you can't just have coffee with him for an hour?" And I explained that no, I really can't. I have three assignments due soon and I am behind in my reading. I have a good 100 pages to catch up on in one class along with an entire novel to read for another class! I do not have any time.

I don't know if I'm being extra emotional because I'm on my period or what but I feel like he doesn't care enough to make time for me. I want to email him but I feel like it's pointless because I need to talk to him face to face and like I said, I don't have time right now. Also, I'm kind of curious to see if I don't email him how long it will take before he actually emails me.

I don't know, I'm sorry for posting this all here. I know that it probably belongs in the relationship thread but I don't feel comfortable posting there.
coffeebean
(((star)))

(((ccgirl))) Sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time right now. It sounds like school is really placing a high amount of stress on all domains of your life! I have been/am where you are - that is wanting to see your partner make an effort even if the reality is that your life is really busy. I don't think that you are a hypocrite.

I don't know what ccboy does...is he a student as well? If so, could you guys set up study dates in the evening? I know that it might not be the *most* productive way to study but it might help to end these long periods of not seeing each other. Even if he is not a student, could he just come over and chill/be with you while you work your butt off? Could he come over, bring a laptop, and still do his own thing? I know that my husband often brings his laptop into my office when I have to work late into the night just to be close by. At least while I am slaving on homework he can update me on the latest news story or humour me by making me play his videogame for ten minutes smile.gif

I don't want to make it sound as though there is an easy solution to this situation because obviously you have thought about this a lot and it is hard work making a relationship work while being a student but I just thought that I would add a little of my own experience into the mix. Hang in there!
candycane_girl
Thanks coffeebean. ccboy isn't a student but he works at a college and it's like he attends the classes (he transcribes what the teacher says for deaf students). Personally I feel like it would be rather pointless to have him come over if I'm going to still be doing my work anyway. Also it would be a distraction. I live alone and part of the reason I like it is because I need quiet to study and I don't study well with other people. Thanks for the suggestion though.

I think what it is is that I am so so busy, I mean sometimes I feel like my head is spinning. And yet, if he asked me to hang out I would try to fit him in somehow unless it really wasn't feasible. I feel like he, on the other hand, just does the "I'm too busy" thing and leaves it at that. Sometimes he reminds me of my grandparents in that he'll say that he has to do a few things (ie. go to the bank, go grocery shopping, do laundry) and it's like it's going to take up his whole day.

I feel like a hypocrite because right now if he asked me to hang out I would probably say no because I just don't have the time. And yet I want him to ask anyway. I don't know.
sevenseconds
I have the same thing epi's talking about with exercise, but more like, with endorphins in general - I had to stop doing all recreationals, even the honorary once-a-summer crumb of E would backlash on me so bad... and then, it came to the point where I dread having an orgasm. Like, I love-hate finding someone who is good in bed. They lie there and hold me and I just want to cry and tell them to go away and then when they leave it feels so empty, empty.
Kinda why I've been on this 2 year don't-let-anyone-touch-me trip... can't deal with being made happy...
which reminds me, boy-toy's gone, I gotta get on that squeaky mini-trampoline NOW - try to get sad about having had intense cardio and not about Da hands not being on me.
(does that sound like I'm selling trampolines? too bad, I'm not;)
coffeebean
hey no problem ccgirl, everyone is different and it sounds like a studying distraction might not be what you need right now sad.gif That being said, I do understand what you are saying....you want to see ccboy make the effort even if your schedule won't always allow it. Based on his reaction to you the last time he saw you, it definitely sounds as though he is thinking about you/wanting to see you/missing you when the two of you aren't together and it seems that it would help if he just expressed that more when he felt it rather than saving it all up until he sees you.



sevenseconds
thanks stargazer - apologies all - moved
candycane_girl
Okay, I'll admit it, I'm a bit confused. I was talking about being annoyed with cc_boy and you're suggesting spanking? We've done spanking in the past but it's always him doing it to me and I think he's said that he wouldn't be interested so I'd rather that he do it to me because I enjoy it.

But are you saying that I try spanking him to take out my frustration on him? Sorry, it's late and I'm lost.
sevenseconds
Sorry to sound so confusing.
(I may well still be in sensory shock and not thinking/ expressing myself clearly)
I'm moving my reply to the Flog thread...
stargazer
Actually, any discussions about spankings are probably best put in the BDSM thread.
culturehandy
(((star, ccg)))

I'm feeling bummed today. It's not the soul sucking, chest crushing depression that I've had, but still I'd much rather be in bed today. So,I'm forcing myself to go grocery shopping. Hurrah.
candycane_girl
ch, it's good that you're getting out of the house. My grandmother always says that for your own mental health you should get out of the house every day. It really does make a difference. I think the further you can get away from the house the better. When I'm feeling down and I just go to the corner store I still feel depressed.
culturehandy
Yah, staring at four walls blows.

It's a combination of things, my period is coming, it's crappy out, my vacation is over...

C'est crap.

How is everyone else doing?
stargazer
(((CH))) Good to read that you were able to get yourself motivated to go out of the house.

I think when I'm feeling low...I prefer to keep to myself. When I'm cranky and do not want to be around people, I find that I may take it out on people around me if I know I'm not in the mood. I guess everyone has their own different ways of managing differently. As long as it is helpful for you.

I think my biggest problem is to be more focused in the present moment 'cause once I get into staying in my head...things do not go well emotionally for me. I start to beat myself up internally if that makes sense.

cc_girl, I never did respond to your previous post. I have a shit load of friends, but, the thing with the blues and my identified pattern of above...sometimes I lose that perspective that I have people around me. I am getting better at it though. That's all I can do when I know I'm reverting to negative thoughts about myself.
culturehandy
Mindful meditation did me wonders for treatment. It's quite a fantastic thing, I noticed that when i didn't do it, I got caught up in things that would normally not bother me.

I went for a walk, and I'm just accepting the fact that I'm a little bummed right now.
sevenseconds
(((CH)))
(((cc_girl)))

Been MIA for two days, paranoid the boy will see the hot pink of HERE so when he came over, I closed all windows and didn't open them for 48. And now he's gone. And now I'm back to this thread.
Very back to this thread.
I only have a few more days of "creative vacation" where the boy and I will be around each other and I am starting to freak out. I have not been in such ready willing arms for fuck'ever, where someone you like A LOT always wants more of you. And it's so messing with me. The difference. Can't stand the difference. Should I not go for it next time? Of course you can't live with that kind of intensity, we're gonna get brain damage if we want each other this bad all the time...
But I'm an intensity addict. This is why I don't DO this stuff any more, because I die every time I have to let go of it. Redefine cold turkey.
K. Have to go work out now.
(but I don't think I'm leaving the house yet, cc_girl...)
Maybe I'll try meditating today, CH, in your sweet honor... It's not like I don't know how. I think part of me likes being stuck in the illusion that we're not all made of light.
culturehandy
7, I was wondering where you went.

So, I was thinking, on my walk about some of the things which are bothering me.

I didn't think, at 27, I'd be where I am in my life. that's not to say I'm not happy with where I am, I was just expecting things to be different. (I think a thread could be dedicated to this, I'm sure all of us busties have felt this way at one time or another).

I feel so average. I work for government (oooooh, exciting) I feel like such a sheep. So, I pierce and am getting ink, who isn't this day and age. I feel so ordinary. There are people who are so good at somethings, and it's like I ust haven't found my niche yet. Well, at least one I can go on and on, about. Unless I wanted to make a career out of porn.

Sigh.

ETA: I've been thinking of naming my depression. Like Hades, or Beetlejuice. That way when I'm having a bad day, by naming it, it will give me a sense of ownership.
sevenseconds
That's an awesome idea, CH!

(ETA: I mean naming your depression, will keep my mouth shut on the porn.)

You totally own it once you have a name for it. (Hence Sawyer's habit of giving names to everyone on the island. Ha.)
Seriously, it was totally in my Critical Theory class a hundred years ago, "The word(name) kills the thing", couldn't tell you if it's Lacan or Derrida or which french mofo, but it's deconstructionalism (is that a word)? It deh-constructs the boogieman to feathers. For real.

ETA: Sorry for the geek bomb, but ... It is Jacques Lacan, he has decades of clinical psychoanalysis ... hope that gives him enough street cred to make you wanna put a ring on it;)
anna k
((((CH)))) I agree with you on not expecting to be where you are at this age. I thought I'd have some great job and be living on my own, and I have a part-time job, live with my brother, and the publishing industry that I want to be in is in dire straits. Rats.

I also get depressed when at home sometimes and trying to stay balanced between feeling intellectually stimulated and being comforted by the same entertainment. Even if I go out a lot, work a lot, and have some good friends, I still get lonely and down on myself.

(((stargazer))) true on trying to stay away from others when feeling down or getting wrapped up in your own head.

Sometimes when I feel down I exercise, trying to get sweaty, feel strong, and appreciate my body, and my mood lifts. Or I watch a silly movie that makes me laugh at dumb parts.
culturehandy
Well, I'm leaning towards naming my depression Beetlejuice. When I was talking to GT, I did refer to it as Beetlejuice. So, I'm thinking that's it.
sassygrrl
Are you saying it three times? That's a good idea about ownership.

I feel similar. Between the damn wedding planning and not having a job, it's tough. I try to volunteer, but maybe I'm not doing it enough. Not to mention, I don't drive so I'm stuck in the house every day. I'm still considering going back to school to get a certificate, but not sure. I just feel very hopeless. I thought I'd have a good career right now (I'm in my 30's), or at least a start to a career. It sucks.

((everyone))

culturehandy
(((sassy))) Sassy, what are you thinking of going to school for? I think it's a good idea, school is always worth it.

I used it last night in the context of; I'm fighting with Beetlejuice. And today, Beetlejuice is making me sad. When I say it, it does make me smile. So, I suppose it helps in some way. It was really hard to get out of bed this morning. I wanted to stay in bed and hide so badly.



sevenseconds
Oi,
it's bad today.
Now I have to name mine, CH. It's been on my to do list.
culturehandy
I'm bummed today. I know the cause, I'm really damned tired.
sevenseconds
((((((culture))))))


I just sent the boy away (for like ever?).
I honestly don't know how to start the rest of everything.
It was so deep and so real. The three weeks, the months leading to it when I kinda knew it would happen and was living on the fore-high.
It was the kind of stuff people write songs and make movies about.
I am so bawling while I am writing this you guys.
Of course it gets better after a while.
But right now it feels like all the beauty of the world is drained through this crack in me and I can go look at it for a bit but it hurts ten times more when I look back at what is left afterwords.

Now I need to fill a hot water bottle and put it over my heart or I'll start throwing up.
Any non-prescription stuff that helps a clenched heart unclench like physically?
stargazer
QUOTE(sevenseconds @ Oct 30 2009, 03:25 PM) *
Any non-prescription stuff that helps a clenched heart unclench like physically?



Yoga helps open the heart center. There are poses such as camel pose which open your heart and release deeply held emotions. Don't be surprised as you breathe in deeply if you feel nauseated or light headed when doing this pose. Also, exercise of any kind is good.

CH, that is pretty clever of you to name your depression. It almost gives it a human face and invites the feelings in which is consistent with mindfulness.

On that note...

I know I've been posting how those feelings of loneliness are arising in me. You know, it is not the worst feeling in the world. It is just there. I don't feel the need to avoid feeling it. I was realizing this morning (at the end of yoga class) that I've not resorted to any old behaviors to deal with these emotions...excessive drinking of liquor, being in a mediocre intimate relationship, overeating, getting high, staying out all hours of the night....I'm dealing with these feelings by choosing healthier options. Things felt a little bit lighter for me when I acknowledged that to myself today.

(((busties)))
sevenseconds
Thank you, star. And thank you for the help in the other threads though I have yet to post more there. I got too emotional for cold-blooded observation...

I'll try the pose. And I won't drink, I don't drink.

I know that new kind of loneliness, I think, it's at the other end of the need-to-belong tunnel, an almost glass-like state of clarity and no attachment and no belonging. I have been there during retreats or after some very alkalizing treatments (like that ion-footbath?) and it's calm, no pain, but it's a bit cold... it takes your breath away that... maybe that's how god must be feeling before she creates everything. That maybe that's why she creates it. (present eternal tense)
Blathering again. Just wanted to say I think I know what state you mean. (But I haven't read all your other posts about it.)

((((all hearts))))
culturehandy
(((seven))) (((star)))

I've noticed that since I started the mindful meditation, I worry so much less now. It really has become all about the present moment.

I also listen to some audio by Dean Evenson, called Healing Sanctuary, and I didn't fight the tears when they came.

Star, that is great that you are not resorting to old behaviours and you are being healthy.

So, I know a big cause to me feeling a bit bummed is how much sleep I get. I am tired today, plus it was madness at the grocery store today and that really took it's toll. So, little blah today. Good news, it's not soul sucking or a weight on my chest. It's more of a superficial down.
culturehandy
well, Beetlejuice reared it's head today. I left work two hours early.

I felt a bit down yesterday (there is a reason for it) and it carried over to today. I went for a walk in the park, it's a wonderful fall day and I went for a run later.

I think the best thing to do right now is to sleep it off.
p_176
i have been a little depressed as well lately. i feel really out of tune with my friends lately. some are planning to go out for new years eve, and the cost per couple is $700 (ticket and hotel room). my guy and i have decided not to go, and cited lack of money as the reason. really, we have the money, we're just not going to blow it on one evening. apparently, at the party we had over the weekend, my one friend was trying to fish out of my guy what we're spending our money on. i guess she feels like we "should" be able to afford it since we're only going to the courthouse to get married, while she and her fiance are planning a destination wedding.

i've also apparently gained another 10lbs in the last few months. i've not been eating or exercising very differently so i'm not sure why i've gained weight, but i'm sure my dr will yell at me and otherwise not really be helpful. calories-in-calories-out does not seem to work with someone with a metabolic disorder, and i'm having a hard time being motivated to exercise or eat healthy, since i gain weight no matter what. i feel like i'll never be healthy.
candycane_girl
p, as long as you are eating healthy and you don't have any actual health problems (ie. all your blood work comes back fine after a test, your blood pressure is good, etc) then you really are healthy!

I really need to change my eating habits. I know it would give me more energy, perk up my mood and make me feel better about myself. And yet mostly I am just craving bad things like super cheesy pizza! Gah. I especially hate that when it gets cold this time of year I just want hot, overly filling foods like chicken pot pie.
koffeewitch
CCgirl: Have you read that "French Women Don't Get Fat" book (or whatever it's called). I really think the Italians and French are on to something. They love food; they eat for enjoyment and with gusto. They eat, cheeses, heavy cream, Croissants and brioche, and dark chocolates. They don't have our obesity, heart disease rates OR our high depression levels. They know how to enjoy life and they love food. WE eat with a sense of guilt and inner self loathing. We decide if we are good or bad after every meal (never mind if we are full or not).
I swear to you, once I started having a different relationship with food, I found I could eat pretty much whatever without the weight problems that I sometimes had before. I kinda resent the title of the book because I don't see it as about being "fat" or not. It's soooooooooooooooo much more than about the size of our asses. The French (if they wanted Chicken Pot Pie) would go to the market, pick out the best seasonal veggies and herbs, and they'd simmer it with their chicken and make the hell out of that pot pie. ANd they'd invite some friends, open a bottle of wine. They'd enjoy their food, they'd eat less because they were happy and not isolated and depressed. AHHH, it sounds so nice. Anybody up for some Pinot Griggio??
epinephrine
I've been fighting that black cloud again. As some of you know, I recently moved back home after a post-breakup evacuation from my life that lasted all summer. There have been a few triggers and setbacks, but things are really not bad at all - I'm just depressed and not dealing particularly well. Days are ok; as soon as it gets dark, though, I start looking for company, and there's none to be found. I'm not scared of the dark and I don't feel unsafe in my apartment or anything, but it's such a strong response that I think it's just biological. Humans are pack animals. We're hardwired to seek safety in numbers in the dark cold night. I get so fucking lonely at night I don't know what to do with myself. I start searching through my contacts for people to call and text, and more often than not I come up with nothing - what a lonely feeling, looking through the list of all the people you know and realizing there's nobody you actually want to call. And, for some reason, several of the people I've been trying to get in touch with aren't responding at all. It's awful. I feel so isolated. I'm trying to make some kind of use of all this quiet, spare time, reading and improving my apartment and stuff, but...it just gets to me. Every night the loneliness comes back and I start getting that hopeless feeling and nothing I do feels right.

I'm back in counselling, though, and I'm so relieved. Too bad my counsellor's too busy to do any more than an hour every other week, but it's certainly better than nothing.
sassygrrl
((epinephrine)) I'm glad you're going to couselling, I find that helps. I have two therapists, one for couples, and my own personal one.

My depression is the opposite. I'm not working so my days are really bad. Most of the time I want to sleep all day.
Mcgeek is working as most of my friends are also in jobs. There's such a loneliness there. Some days it's really overwhelming. I try to fill the space with cooking, job searching, or planning the wedding(which is getting to me), but the sadness just keeps coming back. I volunteered for awhile, but that got boring.

I had a bad day today. I realize that it's a holiday, but I was just wanting to vent to someone. One of my exes emailed me on FB, and I totally broke down (See letters thread). The only person I was able to call was my therapist who didn't call back. I called one of my friends, and he was in a meeting. He didn't seem to care. Of course, that pissed me off.

Not to mention the seizures came back last week. So my health hasn't been great lately.

Koffeewitch, that book is awesome. I don't own it but have read it.

Be strong everyone.





koffeewitch
(((Epi))) ((Sassy)))
*sigh*
I love the fall, but with the cold, dark (isolating) weather I get more and more depressed. I think the post about humans being pack animals makes an excellent point. If I were in a different cultural setting and I did my laundry by going down to the communal stream with the other women, all of us talking and laughing as we waited for our clothes to dry in the sun, I think I would feel much less depressed and connected to other women. (I'm not trying to idealize the problems of women living in undeveloped nations with no running water. I hope you guys get what I mean by using an example like that). I guess I want a feminist sewing circle or something. I used to go to Stitch and Bitch groups, but there's not really anything near me right now (plus I've got a new baby I am breastfeeding who needs to accompany me everywhere).
What really, really helps is for me to get out of the feakin' house and get some exercise. I WISH I had been hip to that when I was younger instead of tending to wallow in my depression and letting it eat me alive. I guess I need to get my butt up and take the kids for a walk to look at fall leaves. smile.gif
sassygrrl
QUOTE(koffeewitch @ Nov 11 2009, 06:10 PM) *
(((Epi))) ((Sassy)))
*sigh*
I love the fall, but with the cold, dark (isolating) weather I get more and more depressed. I think the post about humans being pack animals makes an excellent point. If I were in a different cultural setting and I did my laundry by going down to the communal stream with the other women, all of us talking and laughing as we waited for our clothes to dry in the sun, I think I would feel much less depressed and connected to other women. (I'm not trying to idealize the problems of women living in undeveloped nations with no running water. I hope you guys get what I mean by using an example like that). I guess I want a feminist sewing circle or something. I used to go to Stitch and Bitch groups, but there's not really anything near me right now (plus I've got a new baby I am breastfeeding who needs to accompany me everywhere).
What really, really helps is for me to get out of the feakin' house and get some exercise. I WISH I had been hip to that when I was younger instead of tending to wallow in my depression and letting it eat me alive. I guess I need to get my butt up and take the kids for a walk to look at fall leaves. smile.gif


Yes, I get what you mean. I honestly wish there were a group of woman like that near me. I was in a book club for awhile, but the woman turned out to be very bitchy.

I hate to jump in here again, but when this asshole ex emailed me I almost immediately went outside in the rain with the puppy for a jog/run. I was crying thru it (not for physical but emotional pain), yet it seemed to help me today. Although after that, I just got more depressed.
anna k
Agreed on the long dark winters fostering depression. It can feel like a lonely hell.

(((sassygrrrl))) I hope you're feeling OK.

((epinephrine)) I hate feeling lonely at night too, and feeling like everyone else is doing something fun, and trying not to get eaten up by dark feelings. And it's annoying when you realize you can't trust your friends to be there when you're feeling down and want to talk to them.

koffeewich, I just had some dental work done, and have to eat soft foods for a week, and it makes me appreciate food more, stay full longer, eating smaller meals, and having more of a balanced diet. I envy that in France and Italy they have food without preservatives or crap, but can't imagine the pressure there must be to be tiny/skinny, especially in the cities.
epinephrine
Anna_k, you're totally right about feeling like everyone else is doing something fun. That's how I've been feeling lately.

One of my biggest problems is the winter urge to stay indoors and hibernate; as soon as it's dark outside I just lose all motivation to do anything. I have to consciously tell myself that I can leave the house, even when it's dark and cold outside. It's strange how strong the urge is. And when it's light out I can't stand being indoors. But, yeah, the darker it gets the harder it is to get out and socialize and have fun. When it's dark and I'm thinking about going out, even if it's only 5 o'clock, I still have this feeling that it's late and I'm about to have a really long night, and then I just don't wanna go anywhere. I feel like I'm chained to the house, or like I'll turn into a pumpkin if I leave or something. Ugh.

The counselling is going really well. So well that, sometimes, when I get to her office, the sense of relief pushes all my problems out of my mind and I don't know what to talk about. But it all comes back as soon as I'm home alone, with the darkness pressing against my windows...
culturehandy
things.fucking.suck.today.
koffeewitch
(((((((((((((((((((((((((culture))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take a long hot bath, read a great book, go for a walk with your dog. In the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara, "tomorrow is another day."
candycane_girl
epi, I totally get what you mean about feeling like it's late! Last week I was talking to my professor and by the time I left it was 5pm and it was almost totally dark! It made me feel like it was at least a few hours later than it actually was. I think the change in daylight makes my body really confused. Last year my mother got me one of those daylight simulator things and I found it a bit helpful. You just have it shine on you (it's way too bright to look at directly) for about 20 minutes a day.

I think that at least right now I have a reason to stay inside, which is that I'm always doing homework. But still, it would probably benefit me to get out for a walk every now and then.
anna k
((((CH)))) Take koffeewitch's advice, I hope you can find something to relax you or to unwind with.

((((epi))) When it's dark out at 5 pm, it seems much later than it is, and you don't want to go out as if it's 11 pm. I just tell myself to go out if I need to and not be intimidated by the darkness. It's only just nighttime, don't let it invade your mind and think you're lonelier than you are.

It's hard maintaining confidence sometimes. I try to tell myself that I've come a long way in a year, but always feel like I'm this awkward nerd. I love to write about film, but keep comparing my work to others and wanting to write at their level, and feel frustrated when my writing doesn't match it. Or I want to be this brilliant, interesting person, and feel really ordinary and unremarkable, like not fascinating enough. I would read a journalist's story of living in Saigon just before the Vietnam war, and jealous that he was this Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist who travelled the world and wrote about everything. I'm not a leader or a Peace Corps volunteer, more someone who likes the arts and writing and interviewing people, and looking for ways to make myself useful and fullfilled by that work.
auntilulu
Hi everybody, I'm new here and I want to say that my heart goes out to all of you who are going through difficult times & thank you for sharing your stories. It is such a comfort to hear that other people are feeling like this too.

I've been prone to depression ever since I can remember and have gotten to the point where I'd pretty much felt as though I had control over it the past few years but lately I find myself slipping. I've recently broken up with someone I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with and I'm basically starting my life over again, moving out, feeling like I'm going to have to try & get out there & make all new friends since most of mine have gotten married & moved away over the last few years. I'm turning 35 years old in a month and I am absolutely dreading my birthday & the holidays.

I'm a very shy person so making new friends has never been easy for me and I feel like I have to somehow get over that in order to find happiness and I'm just so afraid that I can't.

Last week I'd gotten into an terrible fight with one of the only friends I have left here and it left me in an awful state. Crying every night and feeling ill all day. I want to be strong . . . I don't have much of a choice but I just need to figure out how.

Anyway, I just want to share this with other people. I'm glad I found this forum.
culturehandy
Welcome auntilulu!

Things are better today, still feeling pretty drained, and I'm wandering to the shop where I get my work done to see if I can get another hole in my body.

Sigh.

(((epi, anna, ccg, auntilulu)))
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