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koffeewitch
QUOTE(anna k @ Nov 15 2009, 05:11 PM) *
It's hard maintaining confidence sometimes. I try to tell myself that I've come a long way in a year, but always feel like I'm this awkward nerd. I love to write about film, but keep comparing my work to others and wanting to write at their level, and feel frustrated when my writing doesn't match it. Or I want to be this brilliant, interesting person, and feel really ordinary and unremarkable, like not fascinating enough. I would read a journalist's story of living in Saigon just before the Vietnam war, and jealous that he was this Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist who travelled the world and wrote about everything. I'm not a leader or a Peace Corps volunteer, more someone who likes the arts and writing and interviewing people, and looking for ways to make myself useful and fullfilled by that work.


annak, you just very eloquently summed up my feelings in a tight little nutshell. That especially represents how I felt in my early/mid twenties. I suspect you are speaking for a lot of us here.
culturehandy
Well, I've been in a mood for three weeks now and I am so fucking angry. I was doing so well and I'm growing tired of this. It seems that the more I fight it the worse I feel.

Fuck.
auntilulu
((Culture))

I don't know what it is you are going through exactly but I did a little bit of reading back in the posts to get an idea . . . I think you sound a little bit like I did when I was your age. I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse (I'm hoping better) but I seemed to feel more pressure to be somewhere in my life/career/etc in my late 20's than any other time in my life, including now. I had no idea what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, had an awful insomnia problem which contributed terribly to my depression. I sort of felt like "real adulthood" was right around the corner and I'd better be ready for it and I was nowhere near that. Oddly enough, turning 30 was a huge relief for me, just because I didn't have to dread it anymore!

(Also, because I'd gotten control of my insomnia which makes me never ever take for granted a good night's sleep ever again. It's almost ridiculous how much sleep can effect your mood.)

Anyway, I have no idea how I found myself with an actual career and something of a life at this point. It kind of just happened through my having to work to live and all. It will happen, you just have to be patient (god, that sounds so cliche! but its true)

(and in case it wasn't clear I'm doing much better now than the last time I posted!)

rogue
((((All depression thread Busties))))

It's taken a long time for me to come here but here I am, I guess. Kind of like the first step to healing is admitting that I have a problem? I don't know.

It's hard for me to talk about things - I am a very introverted person when it comes to my emotions. I don't like sharing. I don't like telling people how I feel. And maybe that is a bad thing, especially in my case, because it causes me to self-injure. It's hard to explain and it's hard to talk about because a lot of people are not accepting of this. I have never been diagnosed with any form of mental disorders, but from studying psych in university and on my own outside of uni I am pretty sure that I could easily be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizoid Personality Disorder. I wouldn't go so far as to say I have these disorders because I'm not a professional, but you know. That's just my hypothesis. The below paragraph is blocked out because some people might be squicked out by it.

Either way, lately I've been doing okay. I haven't injured myself in a month or more (I'm a cutter, so they say) and I haven't felt the need to, but something in me is missing it. I don't know why. I know that sounds sick but I can't help it. I just really want to, even though I don't want to/have reason to at the moment. Does that make sense? It's like I miss having cuts on my body. The thing is with me, as well, is that no one would ever know this about me because I put the cuts places where they aren't easily seen (as most cutters do) and also I never cut deep enough for permanent scaring. As well, I don't do it all the time. I have done it off and on for about seven years now. I've stopped for years at a time but recently it's come back this year (and I hadn't cut in over a year and a half until this summer). I just hate that I miss something so destructive.

What also bothers me is that I'm just existing. I wouldn't say I'm in a massive depressive state and I don't think I need drugs to regulate my moods but I don't know. Sometimes I get really down and other times I'm just okay. I wouldn't say that I'm ever happy though, and I never feel normal. I'm just....there. Like alive but not, you know? Is that depression? I do go out with friends and laugh when we're together but I would much rather be alone and pretty much spend all my time outside of work at home in bed with my cats. It's really hard to describe. I'm certainly down, but I don't know if it's enough to warrant getting any help for it. I also had a bad experience with a doctor regarding depression so I don't feel comfortable going back and discussing treatment options.

I'm sorry if I derailed this thread - we had a speaker regarding mental health here at my office this morning regarding our monthy Christmas donations drive and the donations help more people than we think (not just the homeless, for instance - they also help the mentally ill in our city) and it just got me thinking. It's what really made me think about the blacked out paragraph above. I guess now was just the time for me to come here. I hope I didn't mess up the flow here or anything.
stargazer
(((rogue))) I'm glad you felt strong to share with us your story about your mental health.


QUOTE(rogue @ Nov 30 2009, 01:15 PM) *

I'm certainly down, but I don't know if it's enough to warrant getting any help for it.


You don't have to wait until you are in the hold to get help by a therapist. If you find that you are thinking about jumping in the hole, well, that might be an indicator to talk with someone. Sorry to hear you had a bad experience with a doctor. Would you care to elaborate on your experience? There are tons of therapists and/or doctors who are willing to work with you. You just need to find the one who will work with you. Read through the archives and you will read about alot of Busties' experiences with therapy and/or doctors. Instead of self-diagnosing yourself, meet with someone who will help you to understand your own behavior.

Keep posting in here. Your post was not a derailment. (((rogue)))
culturehandy
(((((rogue))))) I'm so glad that you decided to post in here, even if it's just one post until you r are more comfortable, it's a start.
coffeebean
(((everyone))) I feel like I am struggling right now. I would say that I have been struggling with low level depression or rather dysthymia for sometime now...with the onset occuring around the time of my starting graduate school. Overall I have used coping techniques to deal with it and function pretty well. Recently though I feel as though family stress and family relationships have been pushing me over the edge. All my attention is devoted to perseverating on these stressors which means I am not doing much productive work. Then in turn I beat myself up for not being productive. I hate this because I feel as though I am stuck in a never ending cycle. Has anyone ever experienced these issues as a graduate student? I know that this is situational and somewhat temporary but clearly i need to find better coping skills in order to help me function in my everyday life.
stargazer
QUOTE(coffeebean @ Dec 2 2009, 03:08 PM) *
Has anyone ever experienced these issues as a graduate student?


Uh, yeah, me. I call it overachiever syndrome. My friend gave me the best response when I was talking about all of these things I was going to do during my master's program. Basically, she said I need to not let my worth be determined by the amount of work I'm doing which is tough as balls to admit as a grad student. We are valued by our professors by the amount of work we are willing to schlep with and not complain. Alot of my overachiever stuff comes from growing up in a co-dependent family and my parents' expectations for me to "know" to take care of myself so they didn't have to do the work. So, I got really good at pretending things didn't bother me, being the problem solver, and putting my needs on the backburner. Oy vey, recipe for disaster. Like most things told to me in my 20s, I waited to work through them until my early 30s. The point is that I recognized the pattern for me and worked pretty freakin' hard to make changes in my life. It is still going on. It is tough to get off the overachiever train though.

So, there's my story coffeebean. Not sure if it was helpful or not. Please keep posting in here.

rogue
((((Busties))))

Thanks for all your kind words. I'm having a really crappy week. It's at the point where I just want to stay in bed curled up under my warm duvet every morning and just not go anywhere. I'm much happier alone (with my kitties) than I ever am out in the real world. I think that could be classified as being depressed, I don't know - I just can't tell because it's not like I'm like, okay, I just want to die now, because I don't, I just want to be left alone by the general public. It also doesn't help that I can't stand my job - I'm an office assistant - and I really didn't think that it meant that everyone would pile the work that they don't want to do on me. I wasn't told that would be part of my job. As it stands, right now I have more work than I can shake a stick at. I'm in the mindset of "I can only do what I can do", so I'm putting off a pile of it until next week because it's just not feasilble. I just think a lot of my anger/day-to-day moodiness is because of my job, but I think the only thing I can do is ride it out for another two years until I can get back to school. It's a long story as to why I have to wait that long, but yeah, I do.

As for the bad experience I had with my doctor, a couple of years back at the prodding of a good friend I went and told my doc that I had been going through depression for years, since junior high (I believe I was in university when I finally went and told her). She asked what I meant and I don't even remember what I said, just how I was feeling and stuff I guess, and she brushed it off and said I was fine. No recommendation to therapy, no more discussions. That was it. So it kind of left a sour taste in my mouth. From that point on I just haven't talked to anyone about how I feel - and partly because I don't even know how I feel myself. I just feel like I want to isolate myself from everyone because I honestly want to be left alone, always. Coming to work in the car this morning with my mother (we carpool to work together) she was talking about how different Christmas would be if she won this weekend's lottery and I know that if she did I would quit my job and do nothing. She said she would by me a condo and a dog and honestly, that would be enough for me. I'd be the crazy young rich girl that no one would ever see. If I had tons of money I would just disappear.

Blech. I just feel shitty today. I need to get out of this rut!
auntilulu

((Rogue))

I've had a similar experience with a therapist. During my first visit with her I started telling her about my depression and what I thought caused it and she basically just told me that I should not go to her for sympathy and that she wasn't about supporting a "victim" mentality, all of this while I was in tears. I'm guessing she didn't get a lot of repeat visits.

I found another therapist based on a recommendation after that that I had a much better experience with. I say try again and if you are uncomfortable with anybody, keep looking. They're all going to be different and unfortunately even though most of them have a heck of a lot more schooling than the rest of us, they still might suck at their job!
koffeewitch
WORD, auntilulu...I have had therapists that have challenged my world with their insight and brilliance and empathy; and then, there's the ones that make you feel shamed, guilty and hopeless. A lot of damaged people are themselves attracted to the "helping" professions to avoid their own issues. I also avoid the ones who like to slap all kinds of labels/diagnoses on me before they get a chance to get to know me.
datagirl
Hi guys,
I'm currently taking 10mg of Lexapro daily (for nearly a week) and haven't noticed anything big happening.But the Dr said it would take about 2-even 6 weeks or so.I've been resisting meds for years but since starting my call centre job,rental hike,second termination in two years,relationship failure and the failure of my music-I'm putting my hand up and trying meds and therapy as the thoughts of suicide everyday just got too frightening for me to bear.
I live alone but my parents want me to move back home with them to be safer.The move in itself is stressful too as I have to sell everything in the hope of travelling next year.

My therapist can only fit me in every three weeks or so which is not something that feels all that supportive.She's more into the 'creative visualisation' thing that I really don't feel ready for yet.I just need someone to talk to and tell me that I'm not crazy.And to tell me that 32 is ok to be living again with your parents,to not have kids and to be single...
Depression is fucked.My dad has it and my sister and grandmother have all been hospitalised for it.

I haven't slept properly in weeks and when I do I wake up really early.The doctor's given me valium.I sleep when I take it but I wake feeling drugged out.
I feel weighed down and negative.I'm uncreative,introverted ,reclusive and anxious.Why does depression act like it does? Why can't depression mean overtly feeling positive,active,joyous and wanting to live? Not in a bipolarised way but why can't I just level my own brain out? Why are my thoughts so drastic?

I'm not sure if the Lexapro is such a great idea for a musician.I haven't played piano in weeks.
Today i just feel beige.Neither sad or happy,just a bit lonely and very tired.

((((Busties)))))
rogue
((((data))))

I know it seems so counterproductive to be thirty-two and single without children and living with your parents these days, but truthfully, it isn't. A lot more women are single and childless at thirty-two (I know if I'm not single one I reach your age I will definitely be childless!). And especially if it helps you, you know? Don't worry about how society thinks you should be at your age but I completely understand your fears regarding such a situation. And I'm sorry that your therapist doesn't seem to have much time for you - that would really suck and it's perfectly fine for you to feel that she doesn't seem very supportive. I have no experience with therapists/pychologists/pyschiatrists, but from what koffee and auntilulu suggested to me, maybe a second opinion is warranted? I personally can understand how scary that can be, however. Just try to breathe - I know it's hard but you can do this and even if there's no one in real life whom you feel you can talk to, I hope you know that we're always here. =)

I guess I just need to work up some kind of courage to go talk to someone although, as I said, right now I feel okay and feel like I don't need help. Does that make sense? Like data said, I feel grey. Not black (bad), not white (good), just in between somewhere. I do sit and wonder when I'll revert back to being a darkling (that's how I've always referred to myself when I'm losing my mind) but I don't know. Yesterday I came across the knife I use to cut myself and I really wanted to but I couldn't because it's one of those exacto knives where you break the tip of the blade off to get a new one and I couldn't break off the tip so I just didn't bother. I guess that's a good thing. I don't know. And it wasn't like I needed to, I just wanted to. But it's been forever since I've done anything.

I think my depression is just with me now in the form of "I don't want to do anything/go anywhere/see anyone." Well, I want to see people, but only the people I really want to see - my mom and my two best friends. The rest, no. I'm having a hard time being at work because my coworkers are really bothering me lately. I'm just waiting for Christmas Eve because I only work a half-day that day and then my office closes until 4 January and I'll have ten days off to be left alone. I can't tell if it's the depression or just me - I've always been a loner so I don't know.

Anyway, I've said a lot. I'll let this thread get back to it's regularly-scheduled programming. ((((depressed Busties))))
auntilulu
"I just need someone to talk to and tell me that I'm not crazy.And to tell me that 32 is ok to be living again with your parents,to not have kids and to be single..." - datagirl

(I don't know how to do that post-link thing yet)

You said a mouthful, Data. First of all, I sure hope its ok to be 32 & single! Otherwise being 35 & single would really suck but so far it's ok, & if you do end up moving in with your parents I think people will be more understanding than you might think. Heck, some of them might even be envious that you have that option!

I'm glad that there's a forum like this one to talk about all this in. Does anybody else run into trouble when trying to talk to non-depressive friends about their depression? I've tried to talk to friends of mine but I end up just running into walls with them just because they are looking at my situation as a person who has never suffered from depression and can't understand why I can't shake things off like they can. Maybe I'm paranoid but I feel like they seem to think that I enjoy it . . . I've run into this recently and I've decided that I just should not speak to my friends about my depression at all, which sucked to come to realize but I have to protect myself. It ends up just making my depression worse because it makes me feel so lonely.

I know I need to find a therapist soon, especially since I will be moving out of my now ex-boyfriend's apartment in a few weeks and I know there is no way that isn't going to be a major depression trigger but in the meantime I'm glad I'm able to post here.
datagirl
Thanks Auntilulu and Rogue.
And you guys are so right,the last thing I need right now is stigma attached to any decision I make regarding moving back home,being single and childless. And I am very lucky that I have my parents to provide a soft place for me to land.
And they have a pool too!! (its summer here in Australia) lol.

I'm glad too that there is a place such as this one to talk about this insidious disorder?, disease?, illness?
I mean what is it? I haven't worked that one out yet.I do know that depression for me (and I'm reluctant to identify it as "my" depression like it's a part of me like I have some sort of ownership of it which I really don't want to admit to) is a very dark cloud that hovers over me like the poltergeist dreams that I have from time to time. That dark,dark cloak of shit that saps my energy leaving me drained of everything i've ever enjoyed.
Scaring me into places I wouldn't wish upon anyone.Isolating me,weakening me and tiring me.And for what??
What is the point of our minds leaving town? It's surely not an easier option for me.To just give up and not indulge in any pleasure.Like a martyr for some depressive cause.It takes more force for my brain to keep me down than up I must confess.Like it takes more muscles to frown than to smile.Like a child that holds it's breath til it gets it's own way.My stubborn brain hasn't given up the fight yet.It's still down,anxious and negative.But not as bad as last week. This forum helps immensley.

Auntilulu I run into friends all the time who can't relate to how I feel when I'm depressed. One close friend gets all fucking hippy on me telling me that I just need to 'find my centre'. Which shits me no end.He means well but I guess he just doesn't really get it.My mum used to just tell me to 'put my hair up' like that's going to totally change my mood.She thankfully understands a whole lot better now and has been a rock to me through all this though.

I'm going to try and keep posting here if you all don't mind too much as this safe place is so important to me right now.
P.S I'm getting my car fixed today and It's going to cost me $900. Triple what they quoted as they've now found more stuff wrong with it...There goes my savings for my holiday in Queensland...(sigh)
Picking myself up and starting again it seems....
(((Auntilulu and Rogue)))) (((Busties)))
rogue
((((data)))) ((((aunti))))

I totally understand about having non-depressed friends. I don't think any of my close friends have struggled with depression - if they have, I don't know about it - and so I really don't feel like anyone gets it. I don't ever talk about it with my RL friends. I don't think that they even know that I have the issues that I have. I know my mother doesn't. I remember just a month or so ago I went to my mom's place and she had written on a sticky note on her fridge "Borderline Personality Disorder" and I almost flipped out because I thought she had found out about what's wrong with me - I think I mentioned before that I'm pretty sure that I have BPD, what with the cutting and everything else. It's a self-diagnosis, but from the information I've researched/learned in uni it sounds pretty spot-on. Anyway, it turns out that's what the hospital thinks/thought my grandmother has/had, and I was like WTF NO WAY because there's not enough evidence of her having that. As I said, I know what it's all about and although no one person can ever fully know another, I honestly don't believe her to have BPD. Maybe bipolar, but not BPD. Anyway, it was a pretty scary experience. No one except the Bust community knows about what I go through with my depression and I prefer it that way. I don't need people I see and talk to every day going on and questioning me about stuff. It would just make it a billion times worse.

Oh and that sucks about your car, data. I'm sorry to hear that. That's pretty much the number one reason why I don't know how to drive. If I knew how to drive I'd want a car and they can be so unpredictable and unreliable, and I swear a lot of the times mechanics just want to screw people out of money. I don't know why but I just get that feeling. Always have. My mother has always had trouble with the cars she's had and it's just been my experience. I hope that things start looking up though.

Me? I'm okay today. Little cranky, but that's because I hate my job and most of the people who I work with. I just can't stand the crap that they go on about and all that. I don't have time for interpersonal relationships unless they mean something to me and honestly, I could care less about 90% of the people here. But other than that, I guess I'm okay. How is everyone else?
culturehandy
*delurks*

so I've been a lurker in the lounge for the past week or so, I've had no desire to post at all.

Quick recap about me; I relapsed and it sucked. I've had my medication amount increased and I've been feeling rather dopey and really tired (uhhh, I went to sleep at 5:30ish on Sunday night, that's how tired I was). So far my mood has been stable, but I'm unsure how I feel. I do know that being so tired from the medication increase has been very trying. Last night I was so tired I could cry. But at least I'm not hysterical like I was when I relapsed.

Anyways...

It can be hard for some friends to help a depressed friend because they don't know what to say or they are ignorant of the whole thing. I think sometimes you just have to be brutally honest with them and tell them it's just not that easy. I've been really fortunate to have amazing and wonderful supportive friends.

DG, there is nothing wrong with having to move back in with your parents. It can be great to have the support and not have to deal with the responsibility of having your own place. I have friends who were in their 30's before they moved out. I was thinking of moving out, then I got sick. At this point, moving out is just not a viable option for me.

In terms of a relationship, I think a lot of people think a relationship will be a cure all, it's something for you to concentrate on instead of thinking about how crappy you feel. But, let's also not forget that relationships require a lot of work and effort, not such a great thing when you can't even dress yourself or get out of bed.

(((DG))) (((rogue))) (((antilulu)))
auntilulu
Thanks everybody . . . yeah, I've learned my lesson. I guess it was just hard to be going through a breakup with my two best friends saying "if you need to talk, I'm here no matter what . . . call at 3 in the morning if you want to" not realizing what they were getting themselves into! (not that I was calling anybody at 3 am but . . .) They get pissed off at me when they can't make me feel better, but they can't and I guess I shouldn't really expect them to. (But really, when I hear things like - "I thought you guys were so perfect together . . . if it doesn't work for you, how will it ever work for me?" What do they f&*kin expect?!!!!! Ugh!! But maybe that's a topic for another thread . . .)

I've mostly been feeling ok, even the breakup isn't really getting me that down since, oddly enough, the ex & I have been getting along fine. At the same time, I haven't moved out yet and when I do I know there will be depression triggers around every corner and that's what I'm afraid of. When I first posted in here I had been in a pretty dark place for about a week and I really hadn't experienced that for a long time - I had a good depression-free few years! I had forgotten how easy it can be to slip back into it & it just happened so fast, I was feeling totally sane & grounded one day and before I knew it, I was crying for a week, barely keeping it together.

I got this facebook message from and old high-school acquaintance who basically said "It's great to see you smiling in your photos, I don't remember you ever smiling in high school" I know he meant well but I just saw it as a reminder of how depressed I was. (And people wonder why I don't go to HS reunions!!?)

Now I'm afraid that it's been this relationship that's been keeping me sane and when it's gone, who knows? I feel like I need to take some preventative measures because I know how depressed I can get. And it sucks.

Sorry to hear about your job, rogue, and your car datagirl!! I hope things start looking up for everybody too!!!!!
anna k
I feel like I often go through highs and lows. I'll feel really lonely or down and depressed if I'm bored or by myself just being at home, but I feel confident and happy when with friends or being busy with work and feeling productive. I love the highs, but have to make sure not to get too down on myself when I am low. When I'm low, I'll feel as if I have no friends, that I'm a big nerd, that I'll never get to be the big career woman that I want to be, and that I'll always be on my own a lot.

I'm glad you're feeling better, auntilulu. And that fb message sounded nice, like he could see your confidence and being relaxed.

((((CH)))) Sometimes I forget that relationships take work, and feel envious, like wanting that kind of comfort and love in a relationship, of being friends and lovers, and not realizing how difficult a relationship could really be. You sound like you're coping really well, and working hard on feeling better, I'm happy to hear that for you.

(((rogue))) I can't drive either. Never felt like I could trust myself on the road, like I'd be a bad driver.

(((datagirl))))
lananans
((anna)) - I often feel the same way. When I'm at home somtimes I just feel really fat, useless and like I have no friends. I feel like yes, I'm in school on a path that would lead to my dream job, but no, I am never going to get a dream job and be successful, because I'm not as smart or motivated or go getting as everyone else.

I'm feeling especially down right now because my good friend from my class and I got into a big fight (that I didn't even really know we were in to be honest).. and she sent me a facebook message last night about all the things she was mad at me for that I didn't realize. I know she's going through a lot of personal stuff right now as well, so I don't hold it against her, it still just hurt. I responded and told her my side of the story, so we'll just wait and see what she says.

((antilulu))

((CH))

((rogue))

antilulu - I know what it's like to try to explain to non-depressed friends about being depressed. I'm very open about having depression because I don't want it to have the stigma that is associated with it, but friends still give me empty stares when I try to explain... I guess you have to live through it.. lucky for me my mother has it as well so she is super understanding and so is my dad because of what he's gone through with my mom.

((data)) - that sucks about your car sad.gif




rogue
Hi CH! It's good to see that you're still lurking around even if you haven't posted much. Since you've been here a lot longer than I have, I probably don't need to say that we're always going to be here no matter what, no matter when you want to come back. I just want you to feel the love. ((((CH))))

((((lananans)))) I'm sorry to hear what you're going through with your friend. That sucks. I hate when things like that happen - when you've managed to get someone upset and you don't even know how or why. I think it's a pretty common occurrence. Some people can be sensitive to a lot of things. I hope that everything works out for you.

annak, I'm so glad I'm not the only person on Earth who doesn't drive. Well, that's exaggerated, but I'm sure you know what I mean. I'm the only person I know who doesn't know how to drive a car. In fact, I just drove for the first time about two weeks ago. My BFF made me drive her car around a parking lot. It was a time, that's for sure.

I personally had a bad night last night. I watched My Sister's Keeper, which I totally should not have done. It was a bad scene. I pride myself on being somone who doesn't cry very often and that movie effing wrecked me. Good lawd. I was so upset and I don't even know why. Just bawling. Like I said, stuff like that doesn't usually affect me. It's funny because I really, really don't want to be in a relationship right now, but part of me feels like an absolute failure because I'm not. Because all of my previous relationships have been so bad that I feel like it must be me. And just because I don't want to be in a relationship doesn't mean I don't want to be pursued. That sounds stupid. But it would be nice to just find someone who is even remotely interested. I'm not going after anyone this time around. He's going to have to come after me. And that in itself is depressing because no one eves does come after me.

Anyway. I'm okay today. Just living in the shades of grey, as I always do. I'm really tired though because of my sob-fest over that stupid movie. *Sigh*

((((EveryBustie))))
sassygrrl
Anna, I feel you on the highs and lows.

I'm feeling very down right now. I can't figure out if it's holiday depression or not. I'm upset about not having a good job, feeling ugly and fat, and just in general. I'm in a weird fight with one of my bridesmaids b/c she's being an uber control freak. She doesn't understand all the pressure I'm going thru in the planning of the wedding. I also feel isolated in my house b/c I can't drive, and we're in a bumblefuck part of the city. I don't blame Mcgeek for picking this house, I just wish there was a cofffee shop nearby. I'm also not looking forward to spending the holidays with my parents.

I thought working out and just relaxing would help my mood, but it seems to make it worse.

I understand about non-depressed friends. My mother once told me in college to wear lipstick to cheer me up. Another one of my friends tells me to pray. I also hate to be so gloomy sometimes, but that's the way I feel. I just sometimes feel like I'm bringing everyone down.

((anna)))
((Ch))
((rogue))
((lananans)))
((data)))
((rogue)))
lananans
((rogue)) - I haven't seen the movie, but I was depressed for days after reading the book.

((sassy)) -- the holidays are difficult. I'm in a similar situation, I don't know if it's the holidays, or if it's just life. Hopefully things will start to look up for us soon!

The friend and I are communicating, but I'm still feeling kind of down. I think I just need a good night's sleep...

((depressed busties))
anna k
(((lananans))))

New Year's Eve can be hard, especially if you don't have a big party to go to. I remember having fun at a party years ago at a New Year's Eve party, idling chatting with a guy on and off, even dancing to Usher's "Yeah" with him, and he kissed me at midnight, it was such a sweet surprise. That song now always makes me think of that moment.

(((sassygrrrl)))

(((rogue))) I know what you mean about wanting to be pursued. Sometimes I'd like to be flirted with by someone I find attractive, and it's usually a surprise or very pleasant in the rare times that it has happened. Or sometimes I feel bad because I've never been serious with anyone, due to not having been into anyone I dated in a boyfriend way, only a friend or hookup way. I'm more ready now to develop a relationship with someone, whereas before I was either too shy or just wanted to play around and not be serious.

I feel happy when I'm busy, or being productive and social. I have a heavy work week ahead of me (from yesterday through Sunday), just wrote an article on a screenwriter for a magazine, felt a physical high from working out hard this week and dancing (I could still feel the moves in my body today), and got out of my shell by starting up idle small-chat with people I'd meet at the bus stop or the gym, just being friendly and inviting. It's not a big deal, but it makes me feel more connected and open with people.
thepointybird
Hi all,

first of all, big hugs to everyone in here. I've been lurking for a while but I thought it might be time to finally come in as I'm not sure what else to do right now. I've been suffering from depression on and off for most of my adult life. I thought I was really getting over it, but lately I've sensed that the damn black dog is starting to hang around again, and I'm really scared. My situation at the minute really isn't helping, I gave up my full-time job & flat because I was hoping to move to another part of the UK in October - that all fell through so now I find myself doing part time bar work and sleeping on my ex boyfriend's sofa. Also, my best female friend just told me she is pregnant. She was the only one of my close girlfriends not to have kids, and now they're all mamas or mamas to be. I don't want kids myself, but I want my friends in my life and I've found that as they have kids, they've just been growing further and further away from me. Which isn't helped by the fact that I live far away from all of them, so maintaining relationships with them has been tough at the best of times. My ex is my best friend, and he's amazing, but he's depressive himself and when I try to talk to him it just always descends into this weird, competitive-depression thing. At the minute I'm back in my home town in Ireland for Christmas. I'm trying so hard to hide the way I feel from my mum because she worries so much about everything and she's got health problems of her own, she doesn't need this on her plate too. And I'm pretty broke so I'm kind of trapped at home. I went for a walk yesterday around the city centre, but the place has changed so much since I left 10 years ago, and all the enforced jollity of Christmas just left me feeling incredibly sad. I can feel myself slipping into a really dark place, and I feel like there is no-one I can talk to. Last night I was thinking about Daul Kim who committed suicide a few weeks back and I actually felt really jealous that she had the guts to just do it. I really feel like the only thing stopping me sometimes is the thought of how much it would destroy my family and my close friends. I dunno though, I just feel kind of hopeless. I thought about maybe going to uni next year (I never went after school like everyone else), but then it seems like such a huge, scary commitment and I find it really hard to focus on things at the best of times. I've pretty much given up on the idea of ever being in a happy, loving relationship again. I feel like I'm just going to spend the next 30 years doing boring, shitty McJobs, never having any money, trying desperately to get on top of the huge mountain of debt that I'm in and never achieving anything. I'm 35 years old now and I have achieved nothing of note in my whole life. I know this isn't necessarily relevant, as Daul Kim herself proved, all the beauty and success in the world doesn't make one immune to this, but it doesn't help my state of mind to feel like such a useless piece of shit. I am just so utterly fucking miserable and I can't face 40 more years of this crap. I don't know who can help me,my doctor is a horrible, patronising old git and I can't really talk to friends or family as I've said. I'm just sick of crying myself to sleep and hoping to not wake up again.....
rogue
((((pointy))))

I'm sorry that it took two days for someone to give you a response to your post. To be completely honest I don't really know what to say except that I understand where you're coming from. Personally I hate it when people try and talk me out of how I'm feeling, so I'm not going to do that to you. It's okay to feel how you feel, I just hope you know that you're not alone in it (as this thread proves!). I understand what it's like to think of people who have gone through with suicide as courageous and lucky because they did it and I didn't - it sounds completely horrible but it's just a way of thinking. I don't feel that I should envy someone of their death but sometimes I just can't help it. A couple of years back this girl I know died in a car accident - she was sixteen and I was twenty-two at the time (we had been next-door neighbours growing up - and I went to her viewing at the funeral home and everyone was so, so sad. There were all these kids there and her family and her little sister was carrying around her teddy bear even though she was fourteen, and I just remember staring down at her body thinking that I should be there and not here. That it would have been so much better if I had been hit by the car and killed because she had so much going for her and so many people that loved her. I know that there's no why in Hades that hundreds of people would show up at my funeral. But they came out in droves for her. I just cried and cried because it was so awful, for me to be alive and for her to be dead. And her family had already lost a child years ago - when we were living next to one another her younger brother died of SIDS. So out of three children her mother has lost two. It's awful. I don't get why people die.

Anyway, sorry for going off on that tangent, but I guess I totally understand where you're coming from. I don't feel as if I've accomplished anything in my life, even though I have a BA, but that's nothing much. I didn't work my arse off for it or anything. But I guess it doesn't matter. I just hope you know that you are worth something, even when you feel you aren't. It's so easy to feel worthless, but you aren't. And I definitely get the whole "I'm alive because it would kill my family/friends" sentiment. I swear I haven't even tried to attempt suicide because I know how devastated my mother would be. I don't think she'd live through it and I can't be the death of her, you know? But sometimes I just want to cut myself open so someone would get me the help I need because I'm not strong enough to do it. I wasn't strong enough to get myself out of a horrible and abusive relationship - my brother had to get me out. I think that's why I feel pretty worthless - because I'm not as strong as I want to be.

We're here for you. I know I've said that already, but we are. I hope that you start feeling better, even if only a little.

((((pointy again))))
auntilulu
((((pointybird))))

It's good that you decided to post in here. It's been a topic of discussion how hard it is to talk to friends about depression when you're in the midst of it. I can only speak for myself but I know that I've felt as hopeless as it sounds like you are feeling right now, as recently as a few weeks ago, actually. I know your situation must be intensifying everything too and might feel like it isn't temporary but I'm sure there's got to be some belief in you that it really is . . . because it is! I always try to remind myself when I'm in a dark place that things can change at any moment and eventually they will just because they have to.

((((everybody))))
thepointybird
Thanks all. I've felt a bit better over the last couple of days, but then my mood tends to plummet at night when I'm lying in bed thinking about everything. Luckily a lot of my friends will be coming back over the next couple of days for Christmas, so I'll have some company. I'm trying to make some long-term plans re: going back to study and stuff, but I still feel pretty despairing at the thought of being able to actually do any of it. It has made me feel a bit better to read through this thread and see that others seem to feel exactly the same way I do, but then it kind of also makes me feel worse, ideally none of us would be feeling this way. I hope that you're all able to make it through the holidays ok and maybe even try to have some fun.

((((((((everyone))))))))
culturehandy
(((((busties)))))

I don't have a whole lot going on here. I'm getting my period next week so I'm much more sensitive than usual. Not feeling really bad about myself, either.

I'm a little irked, there is this guy I know and my fault for texting him. But Saturday morning he calls and the first words out of his mouth were "wanna get laid" not a; "Hi CH, how are you doing" ugh that did not help.

Meds are still making me sleep a whole lot, too. And family time for xmas is coming which doesn't impress me in the slightest. I can take my mom, dad and step mom. But my grandmother is MEAN. And she insists on being entertained. When I go over to my dad and step mom's, they don't care if I lie around the house like a slug, it's the company, the fact I'm there. My mom is super laissez-faire too. But my grandmother is a whole different game. I'm not looking forward to that. Oh and new years blows ass, too. can someone please tell me what the big deal is? I will be glad when this crappy year is over, that's the one bonus.

/rant.

I'm done bitching now.


sassygrrl
((busties)))

Pointybird, I know how you feel. I am 32, and got a B.A. I feel I haven't put it to good use at all, and have worked a million Mcjobs since college, and not been able to find my passion. It's hard to feel you're worth it. I'm having issues with that myself. Plus right now I'm unemployed, and I sure as hell don't want to say that at parties. Please still post in here. I feel as I'm some dumb housewife (or will be in March) who just cooks dinner for Mcgeek. Yes, I have thoughts of going back and getting my M.A. in library science, but feel I'm not smart enough.

CH, sorry about your grandmother.

Therapy is helping a little, but I think for some reason my self-worth is shot. It could be from working all those shitty jobs, and getting fired for some due to my disability.


((rogue)) ((CH))) (((Anna))) ((auntilulu)))

I thought I was going to be able to get out of the holidays with my parents. My mother got sick with some sort of stomach thing. It would have been so nice to stay here with friends. My mother is very critical of me. She even barked at me for wanting to just have some downtime instead of her annoying lavish parties. It did take some guts to stand up to her though. I am getting proud of myself for that. My family are all control freaks so it's hard to take a different side sometimes. Especially with my mom. At least I will see if my dad.

Everyone, try to enjoy the holidays. We'll be here if you need to vent.

(((busties)))
stargazer
(((sassy))) Good for you for working on setting boundaries with your parents. It is tough work in the beginning, but, with consistency, it will work for you. It sounds like your mother can be a bit of a pitbull when she wants to tear into you. Remember to protect yourself.

(((CH))) Sorry to hear your meds are making you so sleepy. What are you on? When I was on medication, Klonopin and Lexapro, I was physically wiped in the beginning. As my anxiety subsided and I just used Lexapro, I felt I was able to function regularly. If you don't like how you feel on your meds, then I would encourage you to see if there are any other antidepressants you can be given.

(((rogue, pointy, auntilulu, and other busties)))

QUOTE(auntilulu @ Dec 21 2009, 10:32 AM) *
I always try to remind myself when I'm in a dark place that things can change at any moment and eventually they will just because they have to.


I really like your point of view on those dark places, auntilulu. And with that, songs can sometimes inspire me to lift me out of those dark places. I love how some songs hook you with a melody and then, you finally listen to the lyrics, and like the song even more. So, Monsters of Folk's Say Please has been the song I've been listening to ALOT. I know it is cheesy, but, I like this song. Here are the lyrics too.

Monsters of Folk - Say Please

Everyone grows old on the gold coast
It takes a lot of hope to grieve
Everyone gets dark and the worst part
Is the way those thoughts can please you
Personality like a split screen
See yourself down your knees

Hold out your hand
Hold out your hand, darling
Hold out your hand
Say please

solo

Everyone gives up down on hard luck
On hope ain't enough it seems
Everyone gets lost in their own fog
Have to wonder on with lantern dreams

Say please, please
Just say something
Speak up, please
If its what youre looking for

Hold out your hand
Hold out your hand, darling
Hold out your hand
Say please
(repeat)
datagirl
Hi guys,
I moved out of my apartment and back in with my parents and I am no longer depressed.
I am so very lucky and blessed and I just want to let all you Busties know that it does get better and that we have no idea how supported we are untill we ask for a little help.In my mum's case she pretty much steered me into therapy.Then I asked for meds from my dr so it was a snow ball effect thing in my case.

I've been taking 10mg per day of lexapro for about three weeks now and it's working for me.
I am currently far from suicidal (which was a very,very dark time for me when I was living alone) and for me I feel that living alone is counter productive if you are prone to depression. If I didn't have my parents to support me (but I still pay $100 per week board to my dad at my instistence) I would definately then move in with house/flat mates. It was the social isolation that really made me sick,well a part of it anyway.
I gave up my apartment at the right time. The day before xmas.So all the double time and a half shifts I do at work go straight to my savings now.
I'm now sleeping well too.My god for the first time in weeks.No more waking at 6am... I greet my parents in the morning and have a chat and hell even my cat is putting on weight.!!!

I was suicidal before.I thought I was shit.Dying for me was the only option.I thought that I had no future...
Suicidal thoughts do subside.Just try not to be alone with them.Even a walk will lift the mood a little and that 'little' could be the difference between alot of things...

(((((the pointybird)))))) ((((Busties))))
auntilulu
(((datagirl))) (((everybody))))

Datagirl, that is so great to hear!! You sound like night and day from the last couple of times you posted in here and that is really inspiring!

It's so awful how that little depression monster sneaks in and makes you see your reality as so different than it actually is. I swear that a month and a half ago I was convinced that this was going to be the worst holiday season of my life, that I'd have a terribly depressing birthday followed by an awkward and uncomfortable Christmas and I'd be left having to dig myself out of a deep, dark depression to ring in the new year. It couldn't have been further from the truth. This somehow turned out to be one of the best Decembers of my life. A friend organized a birthday party for me and so many people that I never would have expected to show came. I never in a million years would have done that for myself, I actually didn't even want her to do it. I thought it would just be setting me up for disappointment but there was no disappointment and I couldn't have been more surprised! It was kind of an eye-opener for me. Christmas was all about my nieces and nephews making me laugh and not once did anybody ask about my ex, I mean sure the kids were probably advised not to but thank gad for my sisters to have the wherewithal to tell them to not say anything. That was just what I needed.

I hope everybody else has been having a good holiday season too. But really, even if its been crap, the point I'm trying to make is that things can change when you least expect it. (I said that already, didn't I? Well I'm saying it again)

Thanks for that song Stargazer, I'm going to check them out. I like the Heartless Bastards when I'm feeling down, especially their second album, The Mountain - really uplifting without being sappy, I love it.
thepointybird
Hi all,

I'm glad to hear that some of you are making some progress. Data girl and Auntilulu especially. Auntilulu, the party sounds fab!

I;ve had a weird trip home for Xmas Apart from anything else, I've been really bored. I've not been getting on with my mum so well, and I can't wait to get back to my exes sofa at this point! But only a full day to go. It's been weird and more than a little depressing to meet up with lots of people I've been pals with for years during this trip and see how much their lives have moved on and changed. I find that tends to get me down a lot. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm going to be doing lots of new exciting stuff in the coming year, but it's hard to get psyched for it just at the minute.

Data Girl, it's funny that you mention living alone - it definitely sounds like it wasn't so good for you, but until recently I lived alone for the guts of 5 years (minus a year when I lived with my ex), and I feel really wound up at the minute precisely because I don't have any time alone. My parents are away tonight and I am loving having their house to myself. I don't like to have to be around people when I feel down, partly because I don't want any attention and partly because I don't want to drag anyone else down with me. When I move in the new year, financial constraints are pretty much dictating that I'll have to live with others, at least for a while, and I am absolutely dreading it. But who knows,maybe it'll be a good thing in the end? Time will tell. Just now I feel kind of edgy, but not so down as I was last week. Everything's a bit of a rollercoaster at the mo......
rogue
((((All Busties)))) How was everyone's Christmas? I hope you all had a good one. Mine was very quiet, just me and my mom and season seven of Frasier, which provided some good laughs. I sent out some texts to my friends and was pleasantly surprised to see that most everyone wished me a Merry Christmas back. It surprised me because I'm easily forgettable.

data, I'm happy to hear that you're feeling better! That's really great. I definitely understand what you mean about living alone. I live alone (well, me and my two furbabies) and although it makes me happy (because I've always been a huge loner), it really brings me down as well. Some days I'm totally satisfied with my life and how it's going, super proud of myself for being able to live on my own and make money and pay my own way because now I really have no one to dictate how I'm going to live. I answer only to myself. But then other days I feel like a complete failure because I don't have a boyfriend/fiance/husband/what-have-you to share my time and space with. But when I did, I just wanted him out so I could be alone! It's all very confusing. And when I actually sit back and look at it, I don't want to be with anyone. I sometimes think I do, but I really don't. It's complicated.

I'm on Christmas vacation from work until 4 January so I've been reading and writing and watching a lot of movies, listening to music and just having some quality time with myself. This is my defining song at the moment. It's so sweet and lovely. I've been listening to it a lot. I just feel like it was written for me at this moment in my life, especially when they say "The whole world is moving but I'm standing still". Yeah. That's me.

I hope everyone has a good NYE. Anyone have anything fun planned? I'm hanging out with my mom and one of my besties and some wine and watching season eight of Frasier. Apparently it's a really good one according to my mom. I think it'll be even better drunk. =)
nakedmolerat
Hello everyone, I'm not new to bust but it's been a long time since I've posted and I thought I'd jump in to introduce myself really quick because I can relate to nearly everything you are all going through. I'm 25, not single or childless, but have suffered from depression for about as long as I can remember. The thing is, my depression got worse after I had my son (about a year ago). It was what forced me to seek help because I needed to get well so that I could take care of my baby. Thing is, I'm a nursing mom and so I've been limited in the type of anti-depressant/dose that I am able to take. Basically, I'm on about half of the dose that I likely need, and I feel like I'm still struggling a lot with it. It's been really tough trying to be a new mom, I am also living with my parents and trying to maintain a relationship with my boyfriend (who is also the father of my son), trying to get out of debt and dealing with the isolation of mommyhood. My boyfriend gave me a kind of pep talk the other day and reminded me of all of my blessings, which really helped to put some things into perspective. When I get sucked into my little bubble, it's easy to miscalculate reality. I'm actually trying to spend some time with my boy, but I will post later. I have a lot I'd like to share and feedback to offer on a lot of your posts. I hope you are all hanging in there tonight.
rogue
((((nakedmolerat))))

I'm glad that you stepped into this little sacred space. I find that just writing things out here, even if it's not responded to right away, makes a difference in the way that I feel. I think it's easy to be depressed or feel hopeless no matter what your situation. It just goes to show that depression really is a monster - it can take "normal" (I hate that word, so I use it here for lack of a better term) every day people and make their life hell. It's hard though. I don't think people would look at me and think I have any right or reason to be depressed. I don't really have a bad life. I may not make the most money, but I'm very lucky. However, I also can't help the way I feel. It's a very vicious thing. I look forward to your posts and subsequent feedback. =)

I'm doing a little better now that I've had some vacation time. I think it's really important to have time to one's self. I had ten days off over the holidays and I basically just holed myself up in my apartment, sat on my couch wrapped in scarves and blankets, wore my glasses and didn't care who saw me, barely put on any makeup, and just read books and worked on the one I'm writing. It was cathartic. I drank a lot of tea, barely ate anything, and listened to good music curled up with my cats. I might be a crazy cat lady, but it works for me, so I make no apologies.

I hope everyBustie is feeling a little better. I go through a lot of fluxuations in my day, so I know how that feels. How was everyone's NYE? Did anyone do anything fun?

((((Everyone))))
auntilulu
Hi everybody and welcome nakedmolerat, I second that I 'm glad that you decided to post in here too. Please keep on posting!

I want to keep on posting in here even though technically I am not depressed at the moment. I feel like writing here helps me keep my head above water.

My New Year's was pretty good. Originally I had wanted to stay home and avoid the crowds and public drunkenness but when it came down to it, the reality of "staying home" for me is staying at my ex-boyfriend's house while he was out and that was a little too much for me to deal with. I ended up calling up my best friend and asking her if I could tag along on her plans. So, I managed to avoid awakening the depression monster that night! Success!

Also, had a lovely time at a low-key bar with three great girls which was exactly what I needed.

Happy New Year to everybody! Here's to us all getting/staying well in 2010!!!!
anna k
I'm happy you had such a lovely time auntilulu. It must have felt so fun and refreshing.

rogue, I'm happy you're feeling better. That sounds like a really sweet and private time to have. I spent time like that holed up inside watching episodes of Torchwood, drinking tea, wrapped up in a blanket, and feeling just content to be a homebody. That feels really relaxing and special and intimate, and that's awesome that you felt so good in that time. It inspires me to enjoy private time and not just feel charged by being amongst the public.

(((nakedmolerat)))

It's weird. I've been having a good week lately, yet when it's late at night and I'm stuck with my thoughts, I get down on myself. For instance, I had fun hanging out with a friend of mine on Sunday night, I got great job news on Monday, Tuesday I loved being in dance class, and today I went to a museum, bought a pretty dress that was affordable and made me feel good, wrote a film review that got a good comment on my blog, and got good compliments when I did a boxing class tonight at the gym.

Yet I still get down on myself. I can think that I don't have a full-time job that pays a lot, just a part-time job that pays enough for my bills and rent but isn't much. That I want to support myself more, and not have these self-doubting feelings. Or think that I'm still nerdy and unusual, but trying to love and accept it instead of thinking that it's not right.
Aithinne
QUOTE(anna k @ Nov 1 2008, 02:24 PM) *
I've just been feeling crummy today. I felt bad about being a shy nerd, and felt like I was more dewy and pretty a few years ago, when I wasn't too aware of it, being used to being the awkward nerd, and now I feel old at 25, like my window of "prettiness" has closed.

First of all, being a nerd is NOT a problem. Enjoy the so-called "nerdy" things you find happiness from. Anyone who doesn't like your nerdiness can sit on it and rotate. I love nerds, and search out people who are nerdy about something. It makes them interesting, it shows they have passion, and you're guaranteed to have something to talk about. Hanging out with a "cool" person? Pssh. Sounds like watching paint dry. No thank you. Now being shy, that's something you could work on. But please, don't ditch the nerd. You would be positively dull.

Dewy and pretty? Sounds like a cherub or something with its ass mooning everyone. Lol, just kidding! Your window of prettiness has not closed, m'dear, just become a fine wine. Age makes many things better: cheese, vino, family heirlooms.... you get the picture. Besides, 25? You're only a year older than me. Imagine your 50 year old self coming into the past to this moment in time.... She'd smack you upside the head for sure.
rogue
Thanks for the kind words, anna. You're always so sweet and I really love that about you. It was a really nice time to have all to myself. I really am a homebody at times and I do like being alone a lot more than I like being with a large group of people. A lot of the times when I'm with people I know - even good friends - I feel like I'm performing for them and it really exhausts me, so being by myself for ten days just listening to music and doing the things I love to do was really nice. It was also awesome because we had two snow storms when I was off and I had two quintessential snowstorm nights - home in a warm house under a blanket, with kitties curled up around me and a hot mug of tea while the snow fell on the evergreens outside my window. I loved it.

And I totally agree with Aithinne! I definitely appreciate nerds more than "normal" (again, I hate that term!) people. I'm a nerd myself and I appreciate me, but I know it's hard to find other people who do. I hate that. None of my friends are as nerdy and geeky as I am so it's difficult at times (I'm a real book nerd, I read Harry Potter fanfic, and I love movies along the lines of Lord of the Rings and Avatar and shows like Firefly and the like). I literally couldn't find friend I had to go see Avatar with me (thankfully I went with my cousin), so it sucked. I could have went alone, I suppose. Anyway, I know what you mean. It's kind of lonely being a nerd, I think.

And also, I've seen photos of you here in the photo thread and you're freaking gorgeous. I mean that sincerely. I know what it's like to feel like you're not, though - and I get what you're saying, I feel like five years ago I was much prettier than I am now, but you know, whatever. I just hope you know that you are beautiful, inside and out. And what makes you even more beautiful on the outside is that you have a great soul and a great spirit. I can tell that just from your posts here in the Lounge. smile.gif
anna k
Aithinne, I'm surprised you found that old post of mine! I feel silly talking about my "dewy prettiness," when I'm more looking forward to getting older and gaining more intelligence and being a better person.

rogue, "performing for someone" is really apt. Sometimes it can feel like you're outside of yourself when talking to someone a lot, and almost feel kind of airy. It is a good break to stay in with your tea and music and movies and stay holed-up for a day or two and then re-charge to come back into the world. It sounds so romantic that you were inside with your kitties while the snowstorm raged outside.

And thank you for your lovely compliments. It really made me feel happy inside to read that you think those things of me from my posts. smile.gif

Aithinne, you offer such great advice! Age is great! I know people who say they're old, then I ask their age and they're in their thirties. That's not old to me at all. I'm 26 and getting close to it, and will sometimes feel old, then have to kick myself when people ten years older than me call themselves old.

I don't always feel as shy as I used to be. I've practiced talking more with people I see in my regular life, and it feels like a sweet relief to open up more, smile, laugh, and learn about them, like a gap has been bridged. And getting along well with people I assumed I wouldn't have anything in common with. What's great is when opening up to people and talking after having been quiet/shy for so long, they get surprised that I know a lot about something, or have a new "side." It makes me happy to see them being surprised and happy by that, and it practically opens something up in me that had been closed off before.

Does anybody ever have an image of someone who they feel is confident, self-assured, cool, and carry it inside of them for a sense of confidence or pride? When I walk in the street, I like to think of movie characters and quiet, self-assured "tough guy" types, and to carry that kind of confidence inside. Like Robert DeNiro in Ronin, Jeanne Moreau in her old films, Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises, etc. It's more about not feeling like a shy, fearful young woman but feeling steely and strong inside while looking casual and comfortable on the outside.
rogue
No problem, anna. I really do feel that way about you. You seem like just the sweetest little thing. That's not supposed to sound condescending so I hope it doesn't come off that way. It's just how I think. =)

I don't really think of people who are confident to boost my own, but for some strange reason I have items of clothing that make me feel completely confident and badass when I wear them. I don't really know why, though. For instance, I have this jacket I bought when I was in England five years ago, and it's not even a girly, sexy jacket or anything - it's like a football training jacket that's navy with red and white accents - but when I wear it I feel like I could really do some damage. I don't know why. It's my confident clothes, I guess. That sounds weird.

I definitely understand what you mean about being/feeling older. I always think I'm *OMG SO OLD!* now but when I really think about it I realize I'm being a complete idiot over it. I'm twenty five. I'm nowhere near old. It's silly. I feel old at times, but I'm really not and I have to remind myself of that a lot.

Well, I'm having a really shitty day today. It started off great - I went out and went shopping with my best friend, got some more cute clothes (I've been doing a lot of shopping this week what with the after Christmas sales). I'm really a shopaholic. It really is like a drug to me. I don't do it often but when I do, I do it well. I used to shop a lot more when I was in university - I actually blew a whole student loan at the mall one year and had to get another one just so I could finish the school year. I'm not proud of it but you know. Anyway, so my day started out well.

But this morning my best friend told me she's pregnant, about two months along. And she doesn't know what to do because her boyfriend hasn't really ever wanted kids and wants her have an abortion. He's a really great guy and I've always felt a strange kinship with him because he and I don't believe in marriage and don't want kids. This might change for him and I down the road. But right now it's just not the right time for them to have a kid. I don't think she even wants it, but she's terrified to have an abortion. I think she knows it's the right thing for her to do right now but she's afraid that this is her only chance to have a child with him because she thinks he'll never change his mind and she wants to have children someday. It's a hard decision and she's devastated. This girl is my sister in every way, shape and form except for the blood running through our veins. And if it's killing me this much I can't imagine what she's going through.

I don't know. I just feel shitty. Really depressed. I just want to cry or something but I don't know. I've been trying really hard not to cry since breaking up with my ex six months ago because I'm afraid that once I start crying I won't stop, and I don't want to be that girl. I hate crying. I did too much of it for two years and I don't want to do it anymore. It sounds weird. And I'm not even sad that we broke up - it was a good and right thing to do - I just, I don't know. He really damaged me. So I don't want to cry about it.

Bah. I'm sorry this is so long. I just didn't know where else to go to talk it out. I hope everyone is feeling okay. ((((Busties))))
buttercups
Ugh, after many weeks of eyeing this thread, I think it's finally time for a post here. I've been ignoring these feelings for so long and maybe some of you here have been struggling with depression for a long time and can help me or tell me if you think I need to seek some sort of help or if what I'm experiencing is natural.

Basically, I'm completely miserable with my life right now, and I have been for almost 2 years since the crazy school program I'm in started. It's one of those "be careful what you wish for" situations where I got into this amazing school and it was something I never dreamed would happen to me. I was just so happy and thought they must have made some mistake to accept me, but for whatever reason I got in and I thought things would be great..welll...they're anything but. This program has pretty much torn me down in every aspect of the word. There is so much course work that I spend my life being stressed out and wound up, and on top of a million hours of class a week, I also have 2 full days doing clinical with patients. The clinicals stress me out to no end, where I find myself constantly being put on the spot and feeling like I don't know anything or what I am doing. I start 2 new ones this week for the rest of the semester and the idea of going tomorrow has me feeling like I want to puke. I spend all my time feeling nervous, worried, anxious, and depressed. I don't feel up to doing anything and once school break started coming to a close I became really depressed with my life-the whole not wanting to get out of bed thing. I feel so unmotivated and have no confidence. I feel like I really can't do this and I just can't cut it. I've been in this program for too long to quit now, and I've spent wayyyy too much money- but I feel so miserable. I stay up all night worrying about how I'm going to get through this and that, and I keep making myself so upset that I get these awful stomachaches in the middle of the night that sometimes make me throw up. I am constantly feeling sad and irritated and I can't find any long-term relief from these feelings. All I do is complain to my bf and my family, and while I feel bad about doing that all the time, I think I'm really just trying to talk all my worries out bc I'm looking for some reassurance that no one can give me. Over break I became so depressed at the thought of coming back to school and having to go through this stress again that I had brief moments of thinking I didn't want to even be in this world anymore. My bf told me that I should just drop-out, but then I would not only feel like a failure, but like I've wasted so much of my life for nothing. I know if I can accomplish this I'll have a great and challenging job in the future, but I don't know how to get there and the process is just putting me in this deep depression. I've had moments where I'm unhappy with myself and my life and feel sad, but this has just been constant and I can't get it to go away. Am I being irrational? Does this sound like depression? I keep trying to put my life in perspective like "some people are starving and have real problems, stop feeling sorry for yourself" but it doesn't make the feelings stop. Ugh I'm already prepared to stay up all night tonight worrying about my first day at the hospital tomorrow. I'm so scared and so sad. I just want to climb into a black hole somewhere and hide. Am I over-reacting or does it sound like I might have a problem?
anna k
(((buttercups)))

You are so smart and so strong, and you can get through this. You sound really nervous and full of self-doubt, which is understandable, but you have a lot of drive and passion, and can do this.

I'm sending you good vibes.

(((rogue))) I have clothes that make me feel confident, too. When I'm in my apartment wearing tank tops with long necklaces and baggy pants, I feel very strong and self-possessed.

I'm sorry that your friend is going through so much pain. You're a great friend and sister for being so supportive and loving, and I wish her a lot of love and good vibes through her situation, in whatever choice she makes.

Sometimes I want to cry too. I don't know what it is. I had such a happy week last week, and my life is good professionally, I have a great best friend, I have fun casual acquaintances to chat with when I see them, I write a lot, and keep myself inspired by the arts. Yet I still get these drops in my moods, when I feel lonely, or I feel like I want to be light and smiley and outgoing but unless if I'm relaxed and comfortable, it doesn't come easily to me. I warm up when I'm comfortable around someone and can be easygoing and fun, but otherwise I'm reserved and keep to myself. And I get these negative thoughts, and it feels ridiculous and unimportant, so I just try to take my mind off of it by keeping myself busy or seeing how the world is much bigger, and get out of my head. I just hate feeling this way.
sassygrrl
((everyone))))

Maybe it's PMS or wedding stress, but I've been in such a funk lately. Crying almost every day. I just feel useless. I'm working on this great wedding, but I don't feel as though I have my life together. I'm unemployed and just feel like shit. I'm feeling so down on myself. I know I should be feeling great that I'm getting married, but I'm just feeling so crappy.

sassygrrl
Depresssion is hitting me hard lately. I know this may have to do with the dog dying, but I'm wanting to just lie in bed all day. I know I should be happy about the wedding, but it seems like another to-do list.

I'm just trying to want to even get up the courage to even go out of the house. I'm feeling useless, fat, and plain ugly.
All these negative thoughts are swirling around, and it isn't helping that my mother keeps calling me telling me she's depressed either.

All these useless thoughts because I'm not working, I feel like a total housewife, and I'm not even sure if I'm ready for marriage.

Fuck. This sucks.
Lily_Anne
Dear Buttercups,

May I make a suggestion?
There is no doubt what you are going through is terrible. No one should have to go through that.
It sounds to me you are an incredibly intelligent, caring, and strong person. You must be, in order to have survived your program for so long. But you know what? You're miserable. And if you are miserable, it is not your fault but perhaps an indication you could use a break. A break is a rest, so you can better take care of your patients. You could keep plowing through and burn out, and then you wouldn't be taking care of anyone at all. You are not a failure. Taking a break, getting a breath of fresh air, may be a good change of environment for you. I was in a similar situation, and that's what I did. And you know what? Even though it was so, so hard for me to give myself permission to have some space, when I finally stepped away I could feel all that anxiety, hopelessness, exhaustion, and paralysis leaving.

I suspect that if you are having these feelings, some or all of your classmates are too. Perhaps you operate in an environment that does not allow you to express those feelings. That is unhealthy. And I also suspect others have taken some breaks. Do you know what they're doing now? Is there a way to contact them?

Finally, excuse my presumption in saying: sometimes the most renowned schools have the least incentive to examine themselves. After all, they're "the best," right? If you were experiencing the same things at any other school - any other business dealing (which you, as the consumer, have paid good money for) - what would you do? Don't think about what you have invested. That is the past, which cannot be changed. And it is a past that is not wasted. You have learned a skill set and you have learned about yourself. You have learned your limits, and you have surpassed them. But now that you know you CAN push yourself to the breaking point and beyond, what do you WANT to choose for yourself now there is nothing left to prove? What do you want to invest your next bundle of time, energy, and money into? I have the sense from your post that you already know.
buttercups

Hey Lily Anne,

You're right, a break is definitely something that I really, truly need, but I'm so scared to take one. I always end up jumping into these things and then when it gets really tough a lot of the time I jump out. I even left college after 1.5 years in the middle of the year because I decided I didn't want to be there anymore. I did use the time off wisely to transfer to another school the very next semester, but I guess I don't want to be looked at as the person who always skips out. I know I need a break though, even my body is telling me. I'm so tired and immunocompromised that I just got the flu this week- even after I've had the flu shot. I can tell I'm worn down, but I keep telling myself that all I need is just one full day to relax and recharge. Everyone around me is definitely feeling the same way too, so at least I know it's not just me. My family is definitely getting sick of hearing me complain and being miserable though, so I've vowed not to do that anymore. My mom just keeps telling me that school is the "easy" part and to wait until I get out into the real world where I'm actually responsible for people's health and well-being. I know that and I am scared of that, it's just that at least with work you can leave a lot of things at the office, but with school you go to classes or clinical all day, then when you come home you can't relax and you have to study and push yourself even more until it's late at night. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that working isnt' hard and stressful, because I'm sure it is and I'm sure I'll discover new-found stress with that, but school just seems to be 24/7 and you can't get away. I used to be a happy person, or at least consider myself as one, and now I feel like I've turned into a depressed, miserable complainer.

Hmm, as far as what I would like to invest my time and effort in, I always thought it was helping people. I have to admit that when I'm with patients I love being around them and I genuinely care about them- maybe too much and maybe it makes me get too emotionally involved a lot of the time. Maybe I'm not going about the right way of wanting to help people. Maybe this way just isn't for me, I'm just not sure how to know that for sure right now. *sigh* or maybe I should suck it up because everyone has problems and no one's life is perfect and I've seen a lot of people in the hospital with way worse problems than school driving them crazy. Maybe I need to keep realizing that there are plenty of worse things in the world. I'm just torn between telling myself to suck it up and stick it out and telling myself to get away from it all. I'm so confused.

Thank you though, you really understand what I'm going through and I really appreciate it.


angie_21
Hi buttercups,

I assume you've gone through the first two weeks of the clinicals now. how did they go?

you aren't crazy, many people go through this in post-secondary. There's a lot of pressure, and a lot of money and time invested, and in some programs they purposefully push people to their limits to weed out the people who don't really want to be there. It happened to me in my MA program, and I went through about 3 months of intense depression. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't seek some kind of help, I probably needed it, but that's not how I am.

The way to approach this, as hard as it is, is to completely ignore what you have or haven't invested financially and personally, and think only about the experiences you've gone through during your schooling, and whether that is what you want to do. Are the clinicals a lot like what you will be doing career-wise, or are they more difficult? What about the things you do like? In the end, if this isn't what you want to do, continuing and making a lifetime career out of it will only make you more miserable, and you will end up putting more resources towards something you didn't want to do. I've watched people do it more than once. It's not about "quitting" it's about understanding youself, respecting your own limits, and being aware of what you want from life. It's true no one knows very well what they really want. I stayed in school despite my doubts and it worked out well, but I've friends who did the same thing, only to drop out anyways another year down the line. It's an individual decision. If you really do want it, you can push through, but you have to think about it and decide if you do, to give yourself the motivation to work through the hard stuff. There's always some doubts, but right now it sounds like they are overpowering your other feelings toward the program. That doesn't mean your doubts are right, but you have to think about it and evaluate it for yourself. how much longer is the program?

Also, I don't know anything about medical training, but in most academic fields that exist, school is about a million times harder than the job you get at the end of it. School trains you for every possible angle of a subject, and challenges you to think, but work is dull and repetitive and often goes at a slower pace. It's why I keep going back to school. self-punishment, I guess.
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