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maddy29
i'm so glad you told your mom!!!! yay! i really do think that while you are still keeping it a secret, that secret just is toxic inside your body. plus, you clearly need support! my mom has been such a huge supporter for me and sometimes it's just so nice to hug her and have her pat my head and tell me i'm safe now....

yeah, don't worry too much about your family's mental health history. It might make you more susceptible, which is all the more reason to reach out for supports. But, it's not like the depression you are experiencing is unreasonable, considering all the really tough work you're doing and have been doing! it's not like la la, life is perfect and all of a sudden you're in a black hole. stuff has happened in your life and you need help and support and love and understanding.

i think with your friends-well, this is kinda what i did-not that this was the best thing or anything smile.gif but I fucking MADE them understand how bad it was. same with my parents. they kinda minimized it for awhile at first (which i understand cause it was such a shock) but i had to shock them with some gory details of the abuse before they really GOT it. not saying this is what you should do, but sometimes people need more to really GET it. if you tell them and really allow yourself to express emotions about it, they'll be able to understand better than if you just say "oh i guess i was raped or something and it's hard but i'm ok." ya know? sometimes just throwing a huge shit fit can actually help:)

i mean, i wouldn't do this as your first step-but if your friends are being buttheads about it then....

i know that sounds really manipulative smile.gif heh. i gues si'm saying, if someone tries to downplay it-don't let them. you know how much it hurt you, and they don't. so,you might have to show them how much it hurts....
persimmon_grrrl
hi everyone. i'm mostly new to bust, although i've posted a little bit here and there.
i've been feeling pretty depressed, and also dealt with it during my teens.
lately i've been job hunting, with little success, as in i interview with jobs (at least three so far), and they all tell me that they'll get back to me, minimum of two weeks.
right now i can't afford therapy, and my last therapist, whom i knew for a long time, and i didn't seem to work together anymore. this therapist offered to let me store books in the basement of (their) house because i am planning to move out of where i'm living soon.

i feel pretty jumpy and triggered a lot, especially when people are yelling, and i feel really scared. i've only been unemployed for a couple of weeks, and saved money to move into a new apartment, but was rejected from an application because i'm not legitimately employed, and while that makes sense, it was a let down because i thought i had an out.

so, i've been trying to be proactive, ran every day last week, but this week i lost my motivation. i have an interesting job interview coming up this week, so i'm psyched. i just hope that they don't give me a two-week call back timeline, or even a november timeline. it feels pretty stressful right now. i realize that i feel sad a lot, and i also try to force myself to act cheerful and engaged.

when i feel upset, i usually call hotlines, and call my friends, but i'd really like to get back to counseling, and not just drown myself in work, although i want work very much. i just don't want to use work as an excuse to not feel and deal with what i'm living through right now.

i was rejected from a probono counseling place, and i felt really frustrated, because they said that having been hospitalized in the past year, they weren't willing to refer me to anyone, and instead referred me to a trauma publishing company. i felt very frustrated with that, too.

so i'm trying to keep my energy up. unfortunately, i don't know many people in the area. i have another apartment option, but the apartment mate is the main leaser, and (they) smoke, and i have asthma, and even cracking windows doesn't work, and this person doesn't seem willing to compromise. i can understand; it's their apartment. so i am waiting.

i feel very on-hold, and frustrated. it is really difficult feeling this isolated and not having many people as support in-person.

thanks for listening.
oceangirl
anaisanais: Yes I have been diagnosed with bipolar and treated for it. However, I think it was a misdiagnosis. I think it is actually chronic neurological lyme disease.
blakcherry
I'm sorry to jump back in like this after being awol for a while, but I remember (way back in the day before the format of the lounge changed) someone mentioning some natural substitutes for anti-dep. meds and I can't for the life of me remember what it was called. I'm trying to slowly weed myself off and substitue something else in and would appreciate any help I can get. Thanks.
oceangirl
I have used EMPower+ (vitamin-mineral supplement) in place of antidepressants. www.truehope.com
persimmon_grrrl
hi blakcherry,

have you tried Bach's Rescue Remedy, or other herbal tinctures? I haven't specifically tried Rescue Remedy, but I did use a calming homeopathic tincture, and you can also find them without alcohol.

Also, doing something with your body helps. If going solo is hard, you could enroll in a class, and then have people in the room to sort of "prod" you along, and be accountable to attend. Sometimes that helps, to be in a room with other people who are doing similar work. Even if it feels hard, the going and feeling grounded in my body has been helpful.

Tea really helps me, the decaffeinated kind. It's warm, and you can get all flavors. It's very meditative and calming for me to wait for the water to boil, and then sit and drink the tea. Chamomile is classic, and you can get many different flavors, too, calming tea, tea with vitamin B12. Also, you could try a zinc lozenge, which can help your immune system if you are feeling down. I went to a naturopath, and she had me do a "test," where I held a liquid zinc supplement in my mouth. She asked if I tasted anything, and asked how long I could hold it in my mouth. I said it didn't taste bad at all, and when I said that, she said that most people can only stand the taste for five seconds and then have to swallow or spit it out. She said that my zinc level was really low, and suggested I take a zinc supplement.

Nutrition, sleeping well, exercise. I went running all last week, and while it didn't change the external factors of stress, I did feel good knowing that I was being with my body, sweating out stress and toxins.
kelkello
I've been feeling really good lately and then my stepmother died. I had no real love for her, so her passing wasn't terribly upsetting. It was upsetting in the way that you feel sad when a coworker says someone in their family died. However, going to Cincinnati from Maryland to the funeral brought back a lot of pent up hostilities. A) She controlled my father completely and had him pretty much cut me out of his life. He allowed this to happen because he is spineless. cool.gif I've seen my father twice in 11 years and both times I was an after thought. I don't know why I still let this bother me. He's been like this for over 13 years, I don't know why I hoped it would be different. C) My stepbrother and stepsister treated me like I was disgusting. This is because their mother didn't like me and because, frankly, they are fairly ignorant rednecks who don't know their asses from their elbows. I'm smarter than the whole family combined (not arrogance...this is a statement coming from a girl with no self-esteem) and they don't understand words over three syllables. D) I missed 4 days of teaching to go do the dutiful daughter routine because my father made such a big stink about me being there, and then he pretty much ignored me. I know his wife just died, but come on!

All of this is making me very sad. I feel angry that my father was never there for me. And then I watch my boyfriend with his four daughters, and he is sooooo wonderful to them. I feel angry that I didn't have a dad who gave even a fourth of that to his own kids. I know I can't change any of this, but it makes me feel really down. I'll be okay; I'll get over it; it just sucks.
pepper
well, the st john's wort is working. i've been mega-dosing efa's as well though so it is probably the combination. oh yes, and the not having to go to work thing doesn't hurt either, ha. i don't know what i'll feel like when i have to deal with that pressure again, hopefully i'll be up for it.
blakcherry
The supplement I read about previously was Sam-e. I picked some up from the drugstore this weekend and have been taking half my usual dose of prozac+a sam-e supplement. I'm not sure if it's doing anything positive since I just feel overall icky today. I only took Sam-e last night w/out the prozac, I'm hoping this will be a gradual enough transition since I have been taking only half my usual dosage for at least a week now. I know this is a stupid question, but what effects should I be experiencing with the Sam-e? Does anyone else think that it is really smelly?

persimmon-I've done a version of Bach's before. My bf's mom is really into it so she would test us and make us little bottles of the flowers and herbs we "needed." It worked for a little while. I still think she just gave me some sort of a voodoo love potion =P.

kelkello-I'm sorry, that sounds awful. You must be a really strong person to be able to withstand that kind of ambivalence from a parent.
pixiedust
Does anyone else seem to have weather related depression? I was on antidepressants a few years ago, but managed to wean myself off of them and I do pretty most of teh time, but I really seem to struggle this time of year. I think it is the weather change that fact that it gets dark practically as soon as I get out of work and the day is just generally grey and dreary.
Really nothing major is going on in my life right now and things are pretty good. I have a bit of a sinus infection which doesn't make things any better, but I just feel generally blah for no good reason.
erinjane
Posted to both survivor and depression thread.

I was doing really really well over the last four days in that I felt normal, but on the bus tonight I saw Him. He said hi, and i nodded and that was it but as soon as he got off I started getting really panicky and started to cry a bit and started thinking about horrible things again.

And for an extra added bonus of the night, it just snowed here so the streets are awful. As I was stepping off my bus a bus behind it rear-ended my bus, and in midstep the door knocked me on the shoulder and pushed me too the ground. Totally not a big deal but made me feel horrible and I burst into tears full on but walked away before anyone could ask if I was alright.

My mom was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder AND ulcers due to stress and I feel like part of it might be my felt for telling her about the assault.
stargazer
erinjane~you are not responsible for how your mother feels. don't put that pressure on yourself. your mother will always worry about you whether or not the assault happened. and i know what you mean by just crying with the whole bus thing...it's like...can anything else go wrong? i know that feeling. (((erinjane)))

my depression and anxiety has gone from bad to worse. i was struggling all summer. actually, i was struggling for the past 2 years (i.e. ending of 6 yr relationship and some setbacks with school). i just convinced myself i was doing ok. obviously, i wasn't doing well. i thought i could get over this hump. well, the hump got bigger. i called into work monday because i wasn't able to motivate myself through my front door. i was scared because it was very out of character for me. i've had anxiety, but not to this extent. so, i did contact a psychiatrist i worked with before at my former employment...i saw him today. i'm starting on some meds. we both believe i will need medication temporarily, but i need some relief with the anxiety. i even made the decision to take a leave of absence from work. my boss was very supportive, which made me feel good.

i just want to give myself time to heal and adjust to these meds. it is my first time with meds. i've struggled with depression and anxiety since i was a kid. i'm kinda relieved i'm getting some help. i'm also glad i'm in the position where i can take time for myself. my financial situation is ok. my family is nearby. i'm just telling myself it is ok to take care of me.

i hope everyone else is well.
candycane_girl
pixiedust, sometime I feel as though my mood is affected by the weather. We had day after day of gloomy weather here two weeks ago and it was really starting to get to me! In addition to that, I just hate seeing the sun go down so early. I try not to let it affect me but sometimes it just seems really depressing to be around so much darkness all the time.
pixiedust
I definitely couldn't live in alaska and other places up north where they have months of darkness! I think part of my moods lately just has to do with a head cold, but I always try to stay on top of my moods because I don't want to have to go back on meds. I hate the hot/cold weather where it is freezing in the morning and but gets into the 70's in the afternoon. I can never dress right for that!
ms.gb
((((stargazer))))

(((erinjane)))

roller coaster depression...it sucks. or at least that's what i am dealing with.
stargazer
candycane_girl~yeah, the change in season does have an impact. some people would start to show signs of seasonal affect disorder as early as August. something about the sign of seasonal change makes it hard. is there any way you can get out for a little bit during the day when the sun is out? do you have alot of light in your apartment?

((ms. gb)) thanks. are you doing anything to take care of your depression?

i'm feeling more relaxed today. i got alot of sleep. i'm just relaxing right now. trying not to focus on my return date to work. just enjoying one day at a time. the meds have helped taken off the edginess i've been struggling with. that's cool.
kelkello
Blakcherry, I take Sam-e, and I didn't feel any real "effects." That is, I didn't have a huge change in the way I felt other than that I just felt good. Not euphoric or overly happy. Just good. And prior to taking it, I was in a horrible funk I couldn't shake. I was a real mess. Within a few days of starting it, I felt like me again. I still have days when I'm down, but not the bone-crushing kind of down. I am able to handle things with a normal perspective. For me, Sam-e has been a miracle. I have myself back. I know that sounds like a commercial, but it's true. btw, I have never noticed a smell with my tablets. What kind are you taking?
LadyDupesWorld
Hello,
I'm not new to BUST, but i'm new under this name...I used to post under the name of immodesty blaise. Just wanted to introduce myself. I have lived with depression for about four years now, and have accepted that it will be something i'll have to bear in mind, in future plans for my life. I am also running a mental health program at my university's student association; including free councelling, meditation and stress managment sessions, advocacy for students with mental illness who need extentions or appeals with school work, information and a magazine with stories from students living with mental illness.

I love this thread, because it makes me feel validated..like i'm not crazy. There are many other intelligent, wonderful people in the same boat as me. It makes me feel kinda galvanised.

Just wanted to put in my 2c about some things mentioned:

Migraines can be a side effect of anti-depressant medication...as often serotonin can trigger them. sometimes masturbation can help..i know it sounds weird. but its worth a try eh?

CandyCane_girl- I have found my moods drastically affected by weather...sun helps produce serotonin also.. so I usually get into a major funk around winter. It sucks hardcore.

Does anyone on medication find it fucking weird that a little pill can sometimes give you a reason for living? Like, every now and then I try and go off medication, i'm fine for a while- then a dark cloud descends upon me...I feel like there is no reason to do anything again.. that everything is meaningless, that none of my friends care and that humanity is fundamentally fucked and no-one cares for anyone or anything and niether do I...then I start taking a tiny pill.. and all of a sudden, the world looks beautiful.. my friends are lovely...sure theres lots of crap stuff and stresses in the world... but my entire personality and outlook has changed. So freakin weird!

hope this wasn't too long and rant-y for a first post.
little_idiot
Weather has a MAJOR impact on my moods... so much so that I'm doing everything I can to make this my last winter in the midwest. There is so little sunlight here in the winter, it's suffocating. Stargazer, I'd be one of the ones who's mood starts to decline as early as August--I know winter will be here soon and I know it will be hell. I know it sounds dramatic--I think some people think it's all in our heads--but there is a direct correlation between they state of the sky and how I feel. We have looong stretches of completely overcast days here, starting around September, and lasting thru April. I'm hoping to try some light therapy this winter, esp since my new job requires me to sit in an office with almost no natural light all day.
I take SAM-e too and swear by it. It has make a big difference for me. No side effects, and mine don't have a smell to them, but that could vary by brand. Lately I've had a hard time timing the second dose (since it has to be taken on an empty stomach and my work schedule is real retarded) and I've noticed a difference since I've missed that second dose for a few days. I'm going to have to be vigilant about taking it twice a day, esp with the weather turning worse here now.

Oh, Blakcherry, did you talk to your doctor before you starting easing off the Prozac and starting the SAM-e? You should--one thing I read when I was researching SAM-e is that there is concern that people on Rx antidepressants who start taking SAM-e will stop their Rx, and that's not recommended w/out a doc's supervision. Gotta be real careful when going off that kind of drug. Good luck, I hope it works out well.
stargazer
ladydupesworld~i'm kinda feeling the same way about taking meds. but, scientifically, it makes total sense why it helps. depression is both situational and/or physiological illness. i had to admit to myself that i couldn't just grin and bear it. i needed help. my mind feels calmer and more relaxed. i don't feel dulled. i just feel normal. some forms of therapy works for some and not for others. why we are different as individuals? i'm just trying not to be hard for myself that i'm on meds. letting go of that shame.

little_idiot~there's nothing dramatic about what you said about the change being hard for you in early August. it is a pattern i noticed as a counselor. we would get our chronic clients with depression sometimes as early as August. sunlight does make a difference. i remember how good i felt when i would visit out west. the sun just felt good. the weather felt good. i know what you mean about the midwest winters being hard. the combination of the holidays don't help either.
ms.gb
thanks stargazer...i've tried therapists but there were alot of issues to deal with, financial, stress, my relationships with family and mr.gb, etc. so i am taking things one at a time...which helps space the stressor points out. that includes days. some days i just have to mush thru and others i am racing, anticipating what awaits. motivation and communication are sore spots for me--so i try to make a point to connect each day with a conversation with someone. it definitely helps me.

Like yesterday, i didn't want to be at class. but i went, did a bunch of stuff and then took an older lady as a client who yacked my ear off but she left with a huge grin on her face--which made me feel accomplished.
blakcherry
Little_idiot:I did not consult with my doctor...I know,bad idea. But I was on anti-depressents for a few months a while ago and I recall the doc just told me to ease off slowly so I figured it would be the same deal. Is there some reason why there's a specific concern about stopping one's prescription and replacing it with Sam-e or is the without-doctor's-monitoring the only issue? I've been okay so far. I've completely stopped the Prozac and I think the Sam-e is working out well. I've been pigging out big time, but I think that has more to do with my tendency to binge out rather than anything else.

Weather often affects me adversly as well. Along with just the general doom and gloom of a day without sunshine, sometimes there atmospheric pressure change causes these mind numbing headaches that won't go away despite of how many tylenols I take.

ms.gb:you mentioned taking on a client, what is it that you do?
persimmon_grrrl
(((erinjane)))

heya blakcherry - sounds like the love potion worked...? smile.gif

yeah, between the craptastic dwindling sunshine days and my period, it's quite a downer.
i definitely struggle with trying to keep my energy up during the slower winter 'drums.

ms. gb - i totally hear ya on the cost of therapy. i wish i could find folks i could talk with for cheaper, and i also wish that the sliding scale stuff wasn't so spotty and wait-intensive.

it's good to be in a forum where it's okay to feel what i'm feeling, even if it's not always super positive bouncy happy "i'm okay, you're okay".

tomorrow, i'm gonna try and be normal at my temp job.
pepper
hey all, my girlfriend quit taking bc pills after about 8 years and her depression has "magically" cleared right up. now isn't that interesting?
the doc told me the other day that the hormonal changes during pregnancy can trigger depression, doesn't the pill mimic that hormonal balance?
stargazer
pepper~no, i've read that depression is a side effect of going on birth control. it actually throws your body out of balance. reasons why bc is also linked to cancer and other illnesses.
pepper
but it raises your progesterone levels to that experience during pregnancy, no? it mimics pregnancy, in effect, so your body stops ovulating.
depression can be a side effect of becoming pregnant and also of going on the pill.
just wondering if higher levels of progesterone affect mood.
stargazer
i don't know about the impact of mood...but, i know higher levels of progesterone increase the risk of cancer. i wish chachaheels could impart her wisdom here. i know unhealthy levels of progesterone period is not good.
brutalbunny
I am so happy I found this thread. haha

I was nervous about saying anything since, for the most part, I tend to be level. But I am affected by seasonal shifts. The funny thing is that it's not just fall to winter, but spring to summer as well. Anyway, this year it's hit me harder than normal. It's hard for me to just get out of bed let alone leave the house by myself and do anything productive.
What's worse, is that it's totally demolishing my schoolwork. I spoke up in a class a couple weeks ago and everyone just gave me a weird look and I felt awkward, embarrassed and stupid. I haven't been to that class since because I'm afraid of what they all think of me.
I'm thinking of seeing a campus counselor, but I just... I don't want to be "crazy." I am ashamed of having emotions. Is that weird?

I guess I'm glad I'm not alone. I sort of feel guilty and bad for even having negative feelings because I know people don't like to be around that sort of thing. So I can't really talk about it to my friends because they can't understand why I feel so sad and stressed out when they are carrying similar workloads and feel fine.

Now I feel awkward and embarrassed because I think I'm rambling. jeez
persimmon_grrrl
dear brutalbunny:

peachypersimmon here. well, it sounds like you've still got your sense of humor, so that's always a plus!
all that peachy wahoo aside, i hear you. i think you are perfectly imperfectly normal, and that it's real common for people's moods to change with the seasons. it sort of means that you're connected to the earth. does that sound too crunchy?

the dilemma of looking for help is a tough one. you want to feel like you're being respected, and treated like you are a capable, smart person, and also that you need help. it's a vulnerable position to ask for help, especially for something that is so loaded and still stigmatized in society: therapy. psychology. the study of the soul.

so it's understandable. but the important thing, besides drinking lotsa water, forcing yourself to socialize, accepting all of your feelings unconditionally, crying and laughing spontaneously, reading cool self help books even while you are criticizing the hell out of them, is to try everything you can.

i went to my free college counseling place, and while it was not very useful for me personally, perhaps you'll find someone better fitted to sharing how you're feeling. my college had light boxes at the wimmin's center, and you could also try and get chair massage (usually cheap).

also, yeah, friends can be judgmental and take advantage when you're feeling low, in the sense that they treat you differently, in my experience. and then there are power trips that may occur, which always annoys me, since when i'm feeling down, i need more than anything to be told I CAN DO IT, and that I AM STILL AMAZING and proactive and smart and all the things i know i am.

sometimes friends have treated me like i got stupider cos i felt sad. so they'd say things like, "boston is a city in massachusetts," for example, and i'd say, "i know that it is a city in massachusetts." those friends, don't spend time with them, and if it comes to it, break up with em. i am getting a little carried away here. feeling sad doesn't make you stupid, or take away all the qualities of you that you find positive and brilliant, and they are.

but yeah. i hope this helps! keep that sense of humor. it will serve you well. try not to isolate. and feel the embarrassment and do it anyway, getting help, that is.
stargazer
brutalbunny~there is no shame in the feelings you are experiencing. what makes those feelings so hard is the difficulty to manage your feelings. you cannot compare yourself to otherselves, esp. in terms of how to handle your depression. some people need to be active to help with their depression, i.e. social activities. some people need emotional support, but want some physical distance. do what feels best for you right now. i would encourage you to go to your campus counselor. it sounds like you need support. your friends are not friends if they make you feel ashamed for how you feel. plus, you might need to let them know what type of support you need right now. keep posting in here if it helps. remember there is no shame in what you are experiencing right now.
sassygrrl
((brutalbunny)) ((stargazer)) ((persimmon girl))

Depression hit me hard today. At work. I had bitch slapped for the 8th or 9th time by my supervisor about what a shitty job I was doing. I finally couldn't control it anymore. I went into a bathroom stall and started sobbing. This has only happened at one other job (actually my last one). So, by the time I finished crying, my eyes were bloodshot, and it honestly looked like I was stoned.

The gossip mill is such at this piece of shit job they probably thought I was smoking a joint....

They obviously want me to quit, and are not being very compassionate at all concerning (I'm mainly talking about management here) my health (not that I expected them to be), but I have been back less than a week, and it's more shit piled on top of more shit.

Luckily, I have some money to fall back on, if they do indeed can me. When I asked this directly today, my supervisor's answer was "I don't know." Could we be a little more vague?

Not to mention that it is cold and dreary out as well. sad.gif It may be seasonal depression, or just this whole work bullshit. Or both. I felt better last night.


I'm going to bed now.

candycane_girl
I'm sorry to hear about your work situation sassygirl.

I myself am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. It's mainly because of school. We had this assignment that was worth 20% of our grade and we got it back today. I got a C as did a lot of other people apparently. Although, one of my friends got an A-. It just really pisses me off because his feedback was that I should have used this checklist thing that he made up and I felt like saying "Y'know what, I did use that fucking checklist! But since you never taught us how to properly fill it out it didn't really help me out much you fucking douche!"

I just feel like I'm doing really shitty with school right now and it's stressing me out. I feel like I can't do anything right.

In addition to this, last week a guy majorly insulted me and I just felt so upset that I ended up eating a bunch of food from Burger King and then throwing it right back up.

Ugh.
stargazer
(((candycane_girl))) i'm so sorry school has been so hard for you. plus, screw that guy who made a horrible comment to you. i hope you are doing what you need to to take care of yourself.
candycane_girl
Thanks stargazer. I've sort of been doing better except that I think I'm developing a crush on a guy who's completely unavailable and it's just making me feel incredibly lonely right now.
blakcherry
sassygrrl-your work situation sounds awful. it is great that you were smart enought to save up for such a rainy day. the fact that your supervisor didn't give you a straight answer MIGHT be a little ray of hope because that was his/her opportunity to can you if he or she was so inclined. i'd imagine it would be a hard subject to bring up,so if you did the dirty work for him/her by bringing it up first, he/she could have taken advantage of the conversation to make it sound like you wanted to be let go. perhaps you are just being "punished" for missing work? one of my co-workers took a few weeks off and the boss (who is actually pretty good friends with her) was acting like an asshole towards her for a while. she thought she was going to be fired but the truth was that there was no way they'd be able to replace her in time for the office to run smoothly. anyway,to make a long story short, maybe its because they know the CAN'T fire you and it pisses them off more? i might be totally off...

candycane_girl
I just want to make a quick comment that I feel like I am on some kind of crazy emotional rollercoaster for little to no reason. I keep feeling depressed then okay then depressed then okay and I just want to cry and hit people all at the same time. Argh!!!
sassygrrl
That was me yesterday....I just wanted the whole world to fuck off.

Work still sucks too. They still can't tell me a straight answer about whether I will be around or not. It would be nice to know, being I am thinking of moving in Jan, if I would know if I have a job or not next month!! Bleh.

Blackcherry, that's exactly what they are doing. They're not firing me, but instead punishing me for being sick. Which was out of my control.

maddy29
that's exactly how i felt yesterday too...man i was soooo down and cranky and just wanted to sob and sob and sob. i just feel like the world and life is tooo overwhelming for me. i have a hard time accepting reality. it just makes me crazy!

i went home last night and crawled into bed and sobbbbbbbed. it was actually great, i realized part of what i've been so sad about lately-i've been dreaming about it a lot but i couldn't really put my finger on what it was...just this floaty feeling of sadness, HUUUGE sadness and aloneness.

i feel better today. i knew that i would, and i tried not to get to wrapped up in feeling awful yesterday, but it's so hard!
blakcherry
sassy-this may sound totally nutty,but it might make the experience less horrible if you reminded yourself that they are doing this because they value you enough to punish you for making them deal without you? maybe,after every annoying comment they make about your performance or any ambigious comment about your employment situation, you could just think "yah,that's right,you bastards missed me, you bastards can't manage without me."

it has been my experience that the people you work for/with are not the most compassionate and understanding. my job sucks ass too. i'm a paralegal (i.e. whipping child for several lawyers who all want things done NOW and are always finding something to complain about). this one lawyer (who isn't even a partner or anything) is most frustrating because he is Mr. Cool; friends with all of us underlings and a part of us one minute and standing over me using MY computer to check something (eventhough his is literally 3 feet away) the next. i just have too friggen many bosses, sometimes this one attorney's friggen MOTHER comes in and gives us this stupid little assignments. did i mention i hate my job? sorry,i know this is a total rant and unrelated to the topic, i just couldn't help it. *begs the forgiveness of the thread gods*
sassygrrl
BC, you know in a weird way, that makes sense. Today, we lost two more people. They quit. So, you're right. They do need me. They may hate me for being sick, but they need me.

And my boss (wait for it) is being nice to me, b/c we're in the middle of a 2 week deadline.

One of the co-workers made a rude comment about eating disorders. Then a few hours later, made a comment about my epilepsy. Yes, I work with the most compassionate people. One of the woman that made the epilepsy comment had enough nerve to call me "un-compassionate" b/c a co-worker was coughing, and I didn't rush off to see if she was okay. I did say, "Are you okay?" Then I get this whole fight about the fact that I have no compassion.(did I mention that the word compassion is tattooed to my neck?) Ugh.

I hate this job. But, I need it to pay the bills. I also really want to get into that new flat.

And, don't worry about being a thread hog BC. You weren't hogging the thread.

Maddy, I sobbed for two hours tonight. sad.gif Sucks. But, glad you're feeling better.
erinjane
Oh my god, it's like I get through one thing then get dragged down by another. My poor mom is freaking out. Two days ago she was stressed and crying and then was convinced she was going to get addicted to the lorazepam she was prescribed...she's taken 5 in 15 days. She called the pharmacy and they told her "dont' take more than 6 a day". Then yesterday she went to the ER for this heartburn type pain she's been having for a while. She was convinced it was cancer or something...turns out it was a problem from bronchitis she had 7 weeks ago. But christ, the worrying about her takes a toll on me.

So while she was in the ER last night I stayed in bed crying over ridiculous things. Then today I wanted to take a bath but she started cleaning the bathroom and told me she'd be 5 minutes. 40 minutes later I was in tears because I couldn't take a freaking bath! I know how ridiculous that sounds but it makes me want to cry thinking about it!

I met my new doctor (who i already love) on Monday and she told me to shedule another one for this monday so we can sit down and talk about possibly getting on anxiety meds or anti-depressives. Originally I just wanted therapy but I feel like I'm going insane.
blakcherry
erinjane-i'm not therapist but it does sound like you have some anxiety issues. some of it also sounds like it's transferred from your mother (perhaps genetically or just because her anxiety is making you more anxious). i am sorry you are having a hard time. do you and your mother get along?

sassy-your co-workers sound like a fun bunch. do you mind my asking what you do?

erinjane
That's why my doctor says that medicating for a while is probably best. My brother and my nana have also been diagnosed with anxiety disorders at one time or another, but I don't feel so much anxious as I do down...but I guess a mix of both.

My mom and I get along great, which is the reason it takes such a toll on me, I'm worrying about her all the time and my older brother.
stargazer
erinjane~i can only speak for myself, but i know medication has helped me in the past month. there is a strong history of anxiety disorders in my mother's side of the family. i've definitely felt some relief. i might not need it long term, but my doc and i agreed for the time being that meds would provide me some relief. and it has.
erinjane
My doctor put me and my mom on trazodone as a sleeping aid yesterday, but it did nothing for either of us and instead i spent the night crying and frusturated and now i'm exhuasted and feel like crying again.

I hate doctors appointments where they ask me a lot of questions like that because i feel very put on the spot and leave stuff out. I did the same thing with my TMJ appointment when they asked me about my symptoms, then i get home and realize...oh, i do have that. It was the same thing yesterday, except I feel like I was trying to downplay how I feel because I have this paranoid fear people are going to think i'm making it up. I even feel silly posting in here.

She said she wants to get me into counselling but she didn't think I was at the need for meds yet. She said she wants to see if getting my sleep under control will help, but now I think I'm going to make another appointment and ask for something because as the day goes on I'm feeling worse and worse about having to continue like this with no help, not even counselling or therapy because I have to wait to hear back about waitlists.

Gah, frusturated today. I just want to go to sleep.
maddy29
hey erin, what doseage of trazadone did she put you on? i used to be on it for awhile and it made me sleep for like 12 hours at a time.....

erinjane
Just 50mg, which apparently is the standard when used to help with sleep. The pharmacist says it can take up to three weeks to work, which makes sense to me if you're taking it for depression, but my doctor didn't mention anything like that and told me to only take it up to 3 times a week. Wouldn't she have mentioned it won't work right away?

I tried looking up stuff online about it being used as a sleep aid but came up with a lot of conflicting stuff from "doesn't work for most people" to "effective, quick, and cheap".
maddy29
hmm, ok. i started at 100mg i think, and that did the trick for me. it worked for me pretty much right away. it seems weird though, that the dr. would give you that, since it is an antidepressant. yes, it helps you sleep, but it wasn't made for that. i don't know why you weren't prescribed a plain old sleeping aid? especially since she said no to meds for now...weird. and it's clear you can't wait 3 weeks to be able to sleep....

taking it up to 3 days a week-maybe she doesn't want you to get too used to it?

i'd try taking 75 mg tonight. i'm a big person, but i used to take like 200mg of that stuff before i weaned myself off of it.

but, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, and you may be a person who it doesn't work for.
erinjane
(Feel like I'm going back and forth with you, maddy) tongue.gif

I made another appointment for Thursday because I'm pretty skeptical now. I looked up more stuff online and I found some forums where people had used it as a sleep aid, but usually when they were one something else for depression and all of them said it took at least 2-3 weeks before it started to work. Apparently it is commonly prescribed for insomnia, but it's not FDA approved for that.

I think I will try the higher dose tonight and see what happens, but I keep getting closer and closer to the end of my rope in terms of being able to cope. Thank goodness classes end in a week.
stargazer
erinjane~i hope you are seeing a psychiatrist. general practioners are not schooled in psychotropic medications. their knowledge in prescribing meds is poor. trazadone is a strong medication used to help with sleep. it is for temporary relief. you need an antidepressant and/or antianxiety medication. pronto! i am on lexpro, which helps with depression and anxiety. my psychiatrist gave me klonopin to help with the panic attacks i was having. but, it is used only when needed. the lexapro is meant to help manage the depression and anxiety symptoms in the long term. it has been 3 weeks and i'm starting to notice a difference.

my knowledge of psychotropic meds comes from being a counselor at an inpatient unit. i saw many people put on strong meds by their GPs. i have strong opinions about them prescribing psych meds to patients. see a psychiatrist if you can. i was fortunate to be seen by a psychiatrist who is a colleague of mine. you need something longer acting.

good sleep is not gonna cure your depression. there are underlying issue which need to be addressed. counseling coupled with medication will help you manage your feelings. let us know how you are doing.
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