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erinjane
Thanks for the support. The last two days were better. I apologized to my older brother for getting mad because I know he's under even more stress than I am (his wife moved out on Saturday) and he apologized for leaving the house a mess. It's not that my niece doesn't know how to clean up after herself, it's that he lets her get out all these toys and then goes, "Okay, time to go!" and runs out of the house.

My parents come home tonight though, so I'm feeling relieved already.
lucizoe
I'm glad you're feeling better, erin

Mando, I don't think I've ever said how amazing and tough I think you are. So there. I just said it. I'm in awe of how hard you are working to get well, and in spite of how silly you may think it sounds (and no matter how much you'll tell yourself "I am not"), I think you're a tremendous inspiration.

I was on effexor for a time in my mid-teens, but I honestly have little recollection of my experience. Except weird, weird dreams.

So - I'm facing an odd three days. Hubby is in France, and I'm here all alone. I know it's just three days, and lately I have been feeling like my mood has been so oppressive to both of us, that it's good for us to have a break. I mean, if he was home, we'd just be sitting on the couch, doing nothing, me worrying that my depression is going to fuck up our relationship, not that the worry will actually do anything productive to counter that. I wish I had some IRL friends, you know?

But now I'm sitting on the couch, doing nothing alone, while he gets to be miserable on a plane. I have two things to do tomorrow, but one feels incredibly insurmountable because the number of steps involved, which of course I have to obsess over as if they must all occur at once, instead of in sequence (leave apartment, walk to train, go to station, get ticket, go to white plains, go to parking lot, clean car, find car-wash, wash car, park somewhere, take pictures, take back to lot, get on train, go home whilst lugging all the junk emptied from car). Plus an hour for a walking client. And that is literally it, but it feels huge.

Ugh. I hate working myself up like this. I haven't been eating right at all - partially because Mr.Luci insists on sticking to his Ramen noodles and cinnamon buns diet, eschewing almost all vegetable offerings apart from salads and greenbeans. It's hard to do this when he honestly does not see a need to eat healthily. One of our favorite arguments is the over the validity of the potato as a healthy vegetable, particularily in large quantities. I mean, I know he has the metabolism of a hummingbird, but I don't and when I'm depressed I just eat what's easy. Like the damn cheese danishes he bought!!! Doesn't he notice I've gained like 20 pounds since I met him?? So I feel extra-gross with the extra weight that I can't get rid of because my ability to change back to my good habits is significantly affected by my self-esteem. I just don't deserve to feel good.

(He does ask how he can help and he wants to be supportive. Unfortunately, I don't know what to ask for. I just want him to know. Grrr on him not having telepathy!)

Blah. Rambling. I hate that he's flying. I hate flying, though not so much that I stay off planes if I want to go somewhere. I would feel better if I was with him, I think. I know plane crashes are exceedingly rare, but I'm still anxious about it.

Okay.
mandolyn
erinjane, glad things are a tad better.

and luci? many thanks for your kind words. you're right, i don't feel i deserve 'em. but it is good to hear.

and i'm daunted just listening to your car expedition! sucks ass that i'm firmly in the throes of even doubled driving anxiety these days, otherwise we could've maybe met. it also sucks that i had issues with getting to brooklyn even before this crap descended. someday i'll become brave about driving into the city. or else learn to navigate and not freak out on mass transit. seriously, i'm in awe of your bravery even considering doing this. i know i should cheer you on, but if you wind up not going, i totally feel ya.

maybe you can take these days alone to get some good, healty food into the house, maybe cook a few large meals that you can freeze? you've got the motivation. three days of good eats might be all the kickstart you need.

thanks much for the meds commiseration/advice, annelise and maddy. interestingly enough, i've done speed, and coke was my drug of choice for many a year. but that fucking effexor ... that was true torture. i couldn't even bring myself to CONSIDER trying half.

so. now on to zoloft. which i took for a short time 5 years ago. i was never quite sure it helped, but maybe it did and i just didn't realize it. trying to be hopeful.
maddy29
oh, mandolyn, i'm so glad you switched off the effexor. i didn't want to be discouraging, but i wasn't sure why they'd start you on that. it causes a lot of problems for people, although it does help others. but it seems better to start on an "easier" med at first. what did the effexor feel like? just curious...my old horrible shrink prescribed it to me but i researched it and didn't take it cause i was too scared.

luci-i tooootally do that too, i'm working on trying to slow down mythought process and just take one little step at a time. i feel so dumb though. i still just feel like things other people see as no big deal, i'm like argh! about. i cut everything down into tiny steps and try to just focus on one thing at a time but i always end up all nervous about everything....gah.

i also hear ya about the boyfriend, sometimes i get this horrible knot in my stomach and i just wonder how long he'll put up with my stuff-wanting to lay around at home all the time, etc.
annelise
i didn't realize that the jitteriness with effexor was that bad for you! sounds like you should absolutely be off of it. i hope the other stuff helps.

i also hear ya about the boyfriend, sometimes i get this horrible knot in my stomach and i just wonder how long he'll put up with my stuff-wanting to lay around at home all the time, etc.

yeah, i can relate to that. sad.gif we were talking about getting food the other night and it had to be takeout because of how i was feeling, but my bf said something about how part of the prices were for the atmosphere/ambiance of the place. i'm sure it's a lovely restaurant, but i'm not well enough to go out to dinner. he doesn't usually say stuff like that, but he apologized. but i feel awful sometimes...i just can't physically be active active girl. and that really gets to me sometimes, and i wonder if i'll lose everyone i care about because they'll get bored with me.

and right now he's being really distant since his latest big depressive episode the other day, and i miss him so much. i'm not very good at coping with this.
maddy29
sad.gif annelise. i hear ya. i'm always in my sweatpants thinking about delivery and he's like wanna go out to eat? i loooove eating out, but sometimes i'm at home in p.j.s and i just can't deal with changing and dealing with the world....

i wonder about losing everyone too, cause i'm so bad about keeping in touch and i still spend a loooooot of alone time...
whitelightning
i hate it when "normal" things like going out open the floodgates to all this self-loathing. it's weird because i absolutely love going out to eat; i'm ok going out and doing that, and perhaps even a movie. or a supermarket. anything that doesn't involve me divulging any bit of myself to anyone (i.e., making friends or spending time with the ones that i do have).

but luci, it's good to break it down into steps - it's not so overwhelming. i totally do that, too. sometimes i say it out loud: get up. brush your teeth. put on your socks. etc....don't think about the entirety of your car ordeal. think of it simply as some things you're going to do that day. and if something goes wrong, or you miss a step, promise yourself you will laugh (even if you're crying).

i've been completely boggled and overwhelmed by my nursing school applications. i'm so frustrated and confused by how many different things i have to do for each school (and i'm only applying to 3!) it's so unbelievably difficult and competitive to get into a nursing program these days - the odds are like 1 in 10. writing those essays suck...you have to proclaim why you want to be a nurse, and what you can bring to the table. sounds easy enough, right? i can't help but feel sick about the fact that they're even asking me these questions. it's like getting blood from a stone....and does that mean i'd be a shitty nurse? how can i help people if i can't even help myself.

i worry about losing friends, too. they can't possibly be impressed by my need for approval and my weepiness.
annelise
a question for you guys: when you're really down, what do you like to hear from friends/family/SO?

with me, i guess i just want to hear that i'm not alone, that i'm loved. so that's what i tell my bf--he's in a really bad phase of depression right now. but i wish i could say more. i just feel at a loss sometimes, and he's in so much emotional pain. i hate to see him hurting so much.
ChingusKhan
((annelise))

Sowetimes the best thing to say is nothing at all, just give him a big hug.

((annelise))

Sowetimes the best thing to say is nothing at all, just give him a big hug.
crazyoldcatlady
re: anne's comment- confirmation that i haven't totally flipped my shit and that i'm not the only one going through this at any given time
candycane_girl
Hey everyone, I haven't been in here in a while.

Annelise, usually I just like my family or friends to tell me that they're here for me.

whitelightning, I've been filling out university applications and it seems like just because I'm in college right now I have to fill out twice as much stuff. I'd guess that the nursing school stuff is even more complicated though.

I've been really frustrated this weekend with myself. I know this might be more appropriate in a food thread but I find that my weight and body image are so closely linked with my depression that I just end up posting in here. Anyway, I ate so much bad stuff this weekend. Chocolate cheesecake, Taco Bell when I wasn't even hungry, a sub with lots of mayo and two donuts. It's like, I was doing okay for a little bit and then suddenly I start eating bad stuff and overeating again.

Despite all that though, I think I am making a bit of improvement. Earlier in the week I was eating better. I also think that as I've been cutting back on chocolate I'm kind of in unknown territory. I've gotten so used to bad eating habits that it feels weird to me to not eat junk food or overeat.

Has anyone else ever felt that way when changing for the better? Like you're moving away from what's comfortable and familiar?
lawnpigeon
I've been off all medication for two months now. Celexa for a good 9-10 months and Abilify (my anti-psychotic of choice) for the previously mentioned two months.

The good news:

I am not in a catatonic stupor/still have (normal) emotions/can function in society/am not reduced to hiding and sobbing in the bathroom whenever someone comes to visit. Take that, schizophrenia! Jessica 1-mental illness 1000000. The score is being evened!

The bad news: I am reduced to sobbing for the slightest of things. I forgot what it was like to be so damn sad all the time. Or have the threat of sadness hang over me.

Still, I'd much rather be this than on That Bloody Drug (TBD). My grades at uni are so poor because my memory is all messed up. True, I have little to no motivation, but TBD did not help with that. I'd much rather be TBD-free, unmotivated, with the ability to recall what someone just said to me (blank look, blank look) than on Abilify and no impetus to do anything with not the slightest memory of... well, anything. I failed a subject last year (molecular genetics) which is stupid because I loved the subject and I understood everything and I got full marks in the practicals. Just in the exams... as you can imagine, one cannot bullshit her way through molecular genetics... I was very vague and had difficulty recalling specifics, so my answers were lacking to say the least. So said subject is being repeated this year.

I feel so teary at the moment. I just accidentally put all of my weight on my boyfriend's thigh whilst I was clambering over him in bed, and he yelped and I felt bad. He said it was okay, he wasn't angry or anything like that, and he knew I was upset (him: "I love you" me: "I'm sorry") but it's just little things like where I would feel bad for a few minutes usually (well, usually = on psychotropic medication) and then be okay, but now I get all down for hours, sometimes days.

Poop.
candycane_girl
lawnpigeon, how long were you on the Celexa to begin with? I started taking it in July at 20 mg and I've been taking it at 10mg since November.

I'm sorry to hear about you sobbing at little things but I think it will probably improve over time. When my dosage was lowered I suddenly felt depressed for about a month before finally feeling better. I know it's not the same but I just thought I'd mention it.
lucizoe
candycane_girl - ugh. Food issues. Absolutely it's hard to get out of habits that have become so familiar and comforting. It takes some time for me, but I always eventually get to genuinely liking and craving the taste of vegetables and fruits (although that is much much harder in the winter, when the farmer's market is closed and all produce is imported and, frankly, crap).

More generally, there's that whole leaving one's comfort zone which is definitely uncomfortable. For me - it's terribly difficult to make phone calls, even when I really need to see a doctor or make reservations for our stupid dinner party (that needs to be done by tomorrow and I haven't even turned my mind to yet and at this point I really don't even want a celebration, as the depression makes me feel like nothing - not even getting married - is worth people being happy for me. Ugh. Sorry about that), and so I put them off and off, they're always sitting at the back of mind, making me more tense because I have Something Hard To Do hanging over my head. But yeah- definitely hard to change habits and routines.

(((lawnpigeon))) I love your username, btw. That's so shitty about your class. But you can be proud of yourself for sticking with school, right? It's so hard to concentrate and actually study and read effectively when your brain is attacking you.

I'm finally moving past the fact that my own brand of depression and self-hatred means that I cannot complete college within the parameters dictated to me by those in charge, but I still wish I could do it. So - for what it's worth - you have my admiration.

I hope the icky despair feelings and crying over nothing abate soon.

((everyone))
_octinoxate
Hi everyone. I just wanted to come in and introduce myself because after dealing with some level of depression (that I'd call low-grade, but I don't know exactly how one classifies this stuff) for about eight months, I'm finally going on Lexapro. I took the first pill last night. So, I might be around here, lurking or participating or asking questions...

Anyone else on lexpro?

Best wishes to the (other) depressed busties.
lawnpigeon
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Jan 30 2007, 10:17 AM) *

lawnpigeon, how long were you on the Celexa to begin with? I started taking it in July at 20 mg and I've been taking it at 10mg since November.

I'm sorry to hear about you sobbing at little things but I think it will probably improve over time. When my dosage was lowered I suddenly felt depressed for about a month before finally feeling better. I know it's not the same but I just thought I'd mention it.


I was on Celexa for a good three years plus before I stopped, and I've been off it about ten months or whatever it's been. It's mainly not being on anything at all because the Abilify also worked on serotonin, so it helped keep me a little bit more balanced when I stopped taking the SSRI. I'm hoping it'll get better, but considering I've been suffering from depression quite badly since I was 11 (or it could have been earlier, just I remember my first suicide attempt was at that age) and that my sister suffers from depression, I figure it's a bit of uphill battle... but then isn't it always?

And Lucizoe, thanks. Honestly, I think tertiary education drains the bloody life out of every subject it teaches. The modes of teaching and grading and all that are so outdated and, well, stupid. I've seen super, super smart people fail and, um, not so smart people (putting it politely) pass. There are ways that they could arrange it to actually test people's abilities properly, teach them much better so that they learn rather than simply regurgitate information or work out how to write essays that'll get them the right marks, and cause less stress on the students. But I guess that's an essay in itself and one not suited to this thread!
laurenann
QUOTE(_octinoxate @ Jan 31 2007, 01:37 AM) *

Anyone else on lexpro?


i was on lexapro for a few years in college. i remember that lexapro worked really well for me for the same kind of symptoms you talked about - kind of just long terms blahs (there's a psychological term, dysthoria, dysthimia, something like that). except i had the WORST dry mouth EVER, which was horrible. it went away after a month or so.

i have a kind of...tactless...question. but it is something i was wondering about. i've noticed that there are some people on this thread who are "less" depressed and some who are "more" depressed (couldn't think of a better way to say it). i know i sometimes feel guilty talking about my mild depression - even though it is very real to me, i feel like i shouldn't complain when some of you are suffering much more than i am. does anyone feel the same? and how do those of you who are in a really bad place right now feel about others who are not as depressed?

sorry if i'm offending anyone, but i'm just really curious, and the bust boards feel like a safe place to ask those type of questions.
lucizoe
Heh, personally, I think the idea that "I'm suffering, but someone else is suffering more, so my suffering is inconsequential and self-indulgent" is a way that women especially are socialized to respond to their own, very real problems. Being constantly taught to make nice, to put others' needs first, to second-guess and generally be in a state of psychological flux (a natural reaction to always feeling watched and judged by everyone else - unless I'm just being totally paranoid here, but I'm pretty sure other women feel this way too) is a great way to keep us off-balance and out of touch with what we really need and want, with what we just might ask the privileged among us to relinquish to even the world off a bit.

That was a very long-winded way of saying I really don't think about it in terms of a hierarchy, so to speak, and no matter how you experience this, you have a right to be heard and cared about. All across the spectrum, depression blows and the people suffering from it endure the same shitty feelings, the same social stigma, the same despair, and we all need support. And I think that makes some people even more empathetic than "normal"

I will cop to being really really envious of those who have a more mild version, or shorter bouts or none at all, but I never ever think "You don't have a right to your feelings because mine are more intense."...but that also leads me to wonder Who sets the standard? I mean, what I experience as a mild depressive episode might send someone else to the emergency room, and someone else's really depressed day would be a really level, good day on my own scale.

Of course, my perspective is incredibly skewed; I'm a lifer - so to speak - and I sometimes wonder if people with milder depression don't think I'm being a big old drama queen. (self-directed rolleyes.gif) But I'm also somewhat suspicious of people who are never ever depressed. "It is no measure of health to find oneself well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society" -Krishnamurti, one of my favorite sayings, which has become somewhat of a mantra of late.

(I hope that made sense - I'm listening to the radio and I do.not.multitask)
whitelightning
i also sometimes think that i don't deserve to say i'm depressed if there are people that can't get out of bed. i can get up and go about my day, i just don't feel "well". i have a kind of low-grade sadness and futility and negativity going on. like i'm constantly crying inside. and it's very rare for me to just "snap out of it". but i don't think we should diminish our own personal suffering (although i agree with lucizoe that we have been conditioned to do so). to put it simply i think we can learn from one another rather than turning it into a resentful pissing contest. i'm not implying anyone on here is doing that...i have those tendencies, when i'm at my most negative, self-pitying and narcissistic.

charles bukowski said: "some people never go crazy. what truly horrible lives they must lead". and i do know people that say they feel a little "blue" once in awhile, but never depressed. that suicide never even crossed their minds. whatever...sometimes i don't believe them, other times i envy them.
stargazer
i'm on lexapro. i haven't noticed any side effects, thank goodness. if you have any questions, lemme know.

depression is depression. whether you are sad or blue. this thread is a place for everyone to talk, vent, and get support. lurk, ask questions, whatever....

i've probably struggled with a mild depression most of my life, but it got moderate this summer. doesn't matter really. you need help then you need help.

i think that is an awesome bukowski line. i kinda joked to myself about being in line with some artists since having my little bout of panic attacks and agoraphobia. especially when i watched girl interrupted...i read the book years before the movie...but, how the institution in the book (which was real) housed some celebrities...many people see analysts...in fact, it was almost trendy to have an analyst...especially being in new york....

i'm always skeptical of fellow colleagues who said they entered psychology and didn't have any trauma that made them go towards psychology. um, people don't enter this field because they like to be helpful. there is alot of introspection. then again, they could be really shitty therapists.

i think some people don't talk about their troubles because they want to project this image of invincibiilty. there is still shame surrounding depression. i'm trying to be open about my mistakes and failures to inspire people to get over their own self hatred and shame. it doesn't make sense to hold yourself back in that way.
lawnpigeon
Oh, I agree. Just because there's a continuum, doesn't mean a person's depression isn't as valid because it's not as "deep" or "all-consuming" as someone else's.
I've found depression is kind of like a drug in that some people have a greater tolerance for it, often because they've been exposed to it more... so people have can have the same, equally debilitating, (but just as valid!) response to different amounts of sadness... and that's fine, everyone deserves to be hugged and told they're wonderful, no matter where on the depress-o-meter they sit. Oh hell, (((((((everyone))))))), you're wonderful!

And to all the happy people out there (((((((happy people))))))) you're wonderful too!

Guilt goes hand in hand with depression. There's nothing worse than being depressed, then feeling guilty about being depressed, and then feeling more depressed because you're feeling guilty about being depressed. Phew!

candycane_girl
I'd have to agree that depression is depression. And I used to be one of those people who would feel guilty about being depressed especially because I felt like I didn't have a reason to be depressed when so many other people go through much worse things. But then I realized that it's all relative and that I was going through depression and that was that.

At my very lowest I had huge amounts of food, had sex with a guy that had a girlfriend, could barely get out of bed and failed a semester of college.

I'm doing much better now but I decided that from now on, at the very slightest sign of depression I will do something about it because I don't ever want it to get that bad again.
mandolyn
laurenann, thanks very much for asking that question. because i was thinking it myself these past weeks.

excellent & much appreciated responses, everyone. i agree we can all learn from one another. i know i already have.

and somehow it means, not so much "more", but, i don't know, something a little more special maybe to have people who understand - on some level - cheering you on.

when my therapist asked me how long i've been depressed, i thought for a minute, and laughed, "all my life, probably." it's cyclical, it's reactive - i usually have a "reason" - but it's depression nonetheless. it's always been there. some months/years more than others. i tried AD's/therapy before, but only half-assed. i would always try to convince myself, well, hell, no one's happy 100% of the time, this is just LIFE, pick yourself up by your bootstraps, deal, and move on. what i'm learning now is, when you DON'T deal with certain things, when you constantly push them down, they fester and can suddenly surface in physical ailments & other crap that can quickly spiral out of control. in my case, mild panic attacks that have turned not-so-mild & OCD "quirks".

i'm actually not dreading therapy today. not entirely looking foward to it, but not dreading. i'm taking it as a plus.
anoushh
can i just say i was on effexor for years and only stopped about a year ago bc i got pregnant. It worked great for me with no weird side effects. While i'm hugely in favor of people educating themselves about their health, meds, etc, it often worries me when people look up a list of side effects of ADs when they are seriously depressed and then dwell on them, often using the possibility of side effects as a reason not to take meds. Any drug can have side effects, but we seem to get particularly freaked out at the possibility for ADs.

Coming off it to change to fluoxetine was pretty nasty, but that was more b/c my depression sxs came back with a vengence. Thankfully the fluoxetine starting working pretty fast. I would get a bit light headed if I forgot to take it, but frankly that didn't bother me as it made sure I took it. When I did go off it I just tapered off over about three weeks and had none of those kinds of problems. These types of side effects aren't limited to ADs, btw.

When you are depressed you view everything in the worst possible light anyway, so i think thats a particularly easy time to freak yourself out and talk yourself out of tx that might equally really help.

It's not that I'm saying you shouldn't take side effects that bother you seriously. I am saying don't make them happen by expecting them and if they do happen, do think about whether they are side effects you can live with, at least live with better than what you were taking the meds for. I'm old enough to have had tricyclics prescribed for me as SSRIs weren't around yet. They gave me a terrible dry mouth and for years I had to go around with water (this was before everybody did) and sugarless candies to keep my mouth functioning. It was a pain in the ass, especially when I got a job that required some public speaking, but it was better than the terrible depression.

Mando, give the zoloft time (barring intolerable side effects, of course) and remember you might just need a higher dose if it doesn't work for you at the current dose. I've always ended up needed doses on the higher end of the dosing range for any of the ADs I've taken. Some people are just the opposite and need a tiny dose, but with some communications w/ your doctor you should work any of that out if it comes up.

Effexor is one of the most expensive prescription ADs out there right now--they aren't all that expensive. I was taking 225 mg, which was 3 a day. That was about $300 a month with no insurance (in the UK I paid a co-pay of the equivalent of about $11 for 3 months. And people there complain and complain and complain about the NHS. Morons.) I take fluoxetine now, which is the generic for prozac and it's much cheaper and fortunately works for me. So just like with any drug there are huge variations.

Lucizoe, I think you are saying your partner can help by being supportive of your very reasonable desire to eat healthy. And I think that's totally reasonable and he needs to respect it. Many people have a lot of serious impact on their moods from their diet, and I think you are very wise to be thinking about your diet in regards to your mood as well as your overall health.

And tell him nutritionally a potato is not classed as a vegetable. So there.

Also, whitelightening, if it helps there is a kind of chronic depression called dysthymia. It's not as dramatic as major depression can be, but it's still a diagnosable condition and it can be very impairing. I had dysthymia for most of my life interspersed with episodes of major depression. I finally start to get better when I stopped trying to go off medication every time I started to feel better, and when I found a great counselor who I saw for a long time and worked very hard with. It paid off. I wanted to give up hope many times, but in the end I am a very different person than I would have been w/o the meds and the therapy, and for the better--a lot better.

So yes, depression is depression.
whitelightning
thanks, anoushh. i've heard of dysthmia and your situation you just described sounds a lot like mine. during my major episodes of depression, i get out of control and self-destructive. the mild periods are longer and have been around - jeez, all my life i suppose. at worst, i'm hiding in public bathrooms crying and at best, i'm just kind of down and negative. maybe with some rays of sunshine popping through every now and then...people say i have no idea how hilarious i am.

there has GOT to be a solution...i'm still on my quest for affordable treatment sans insurance. right now, i can only focus on one thing, though. which is school. actually, no. i'm really sick today and that's enveloping my thoughts.

lawnpigeon, i'm glad you gave a shout out to happy people. i love it when you find those folks that give you the shot in the arm you need. i have a friend who lives nearby and is so fucking inspiring it just overflows. she's always saying "not with that attitude, you won't" whenever i inadvertently lapse into negative nellie mode.
_octinoxate
This seems like such a warm, caring, cool thread, based on the lurking I've been doing in the last couple days.

So, I'm on day three of the lexapro, and so far so good, except for some mild nausea pretty much all day. I'm supposed to be eating dry toast and crackers for that, right? Any other tricks? (Or do all those tricks not apply here, since I'm not actually tummy-sick, and rather the nausea's just in the brain signals--???)
laurenann
yay, i'm glad this turned into a good convo. i love the bust boards!
anoushh
Why do you say you aren't "tummy sick"--I wonder if that's another way to say to yourself your depression isn't a "real" illness, so the side effects can't be either.

Anyway, the drug is having an effect on your stomach and you take the same measures you would for any other nausea situation. If it helps, prozac made me nauseated every time I started it--except this one (though I was pregnant so maybe it made that nausea worse--I don't know--I had horrendous nausea from about 6.5-13 weeks) but it does get better. Most of the side effects like fatigue, nausea, etc tend to go away after a few days. If not, and you can't live with them (or even if you can) talk to your doctor about them. You might decide to stay on it despite side effects, but communication is good in these situations.

Whitelightning, I'll see if I can come up with some good books for you. "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" is pretty good in content, even if some of the tone is annoying (as is the picture of the author on the cover....)

|What kind of school are you in? Most colleges have some student counselling service, which is usually free to full time students. Or if you have a college nearby that has graduate programs in psychology they should have a grad student run clinic for a sliding scale (and despite what people think you do have access to good treatment there, and you will also get the passion of people in the student stage. And confidentiality is treated very seriously in these situations. I've been on both sides of the mirror, so to speak.)

Btw, what I learned from pregnancy induced nausea--which was horrible, btw--was that for me ginger tea and ginger ale made me want to spew, but lemonaide (real stuff, with real lemon) and sniffing lemon essential oil helped, along with eating bread and crackers. Not much, but a little, and at that point I felt so awful even a little relief was welcome.
yemaya
I remember when I posted almost a year ago on this thread about my experiences and being berated for not trying hard enough. I stopped because I felt that I really was whining too much and I wasn’t trying hard enough. And there was no one else to talk to.

I have not been on medication in over 4 years. And I only recently stopped cutting. My left arm is a catalogue of keloid scars and parts of my leg as well. There was one poster who conversed off boards, quietly but I don’t see that she is here anymore. Well I am not as weak as the other poster suggested. I am still alive but I still struggle with this disasese. Ever since I can remember. It is difficult to stay motivated at work and to focus on the Masters level work I am pursuing. The self loathing, low self-esteem is so immense that it usurps all my thoughts. The horrible stuff never truly goes away-it takes a look or a smell or a word and it comes flooding bath like flotsam.

I may be weak and I may whine, but I can say that at least I am still alive. I guess that is something.

candycane_girl
yemaya, you are definitely not weak. It seems like you've really worked hard at getting through this and dealing with depression.

I don't know if my depression will ever go away. I feel kind of confused about it actually. I've been doing well and seeing my therapist less and less because I've actually had less to talk about which is a good thing. But I worry, what if something happens and I end up falling into a deep depression and it just starts all over again?
I don't think that will happen, I think I've learned through my therapy how to deal with things but still, it crosses my mind every now and then.
yemaya
Thanks candycane_girl. It is a struggle every day.

I can honestly say that I have struggled with this disease since I was 10 perhaps earlier and I honestly don’t know why I have not yet been institionalized. I would really like to know what it feels like to not feel and think like this. What does it feel like to not be truly depressed all the time?

I have not seen a therapist in over four years and I cannot afford right now. It is just last night that I have decided to try to reconnect with a spiritual source and I admit that I am looking at seeing if I can obtain Prozac off one of those internet sites that don’t require a prescription, since my suicide thoughts are getting worse. I remembered that Prozac seem to help stabilize the moods and the bad thoughts and I do need something again.

My hypothesis is that the disease never really goes away-especially for those who have a predisposition. I compare it to alcoholism-its something that you have to confront every single day. It is very hard because the wounds, the damage is so deep inside where there is no physical manifestation except in self-destructive behavior, self harm, and sickness which is hard to treat.

Thanks again. candycane_girl for the kind words.
.
stargazer
yemaya, i would get some medication as soon as you if the suicidal thoughts are becoming problematic. sorry to hear you had a negative experience on this board before. i think we need to start viewing ALL diseases/illnesses as being cyclical instead of linear. life is about alot of ups and downs, which i know sounds cheesey and lame. it is though. tomorrow can be totally different today. only handle what you can today.

i think it is good to visual what your definition of happiness is because you may realize an unrealistic notion of what happiness is. happiness is a temporary feeling just like sadness. if we were meant to be happy 24-7, then we would be stepford wives. stop fighting the sadness. i think that is when we really get more upset. we try to fit outselves into a neat little box.

i'm trying to learn to not let things build up inside of me. it is really hard to let my vulnerability show. i've had to take care of myself most of my life. emotionally speaking. i went to a therapist to talk things out off and on from the age of 11 up 'til my late 20s. i'm just allowing myself to feel and not be so rational about things. i was still experiencing my feelings outside of myself. if that makes sense.

i don't know if that helped anyone. but, i think we could all do a service to ourselves not to be so hard on ourselves to fit someone's ideals of wellness. the changes you makes to get well are changes you will need to keep the rest of your life. so yeah, you will have to deal with depression the rest of your life.
annelise
i've had nausea related to physical illness and related to emotional stress, and it all feels the same. over time, i figured out what foods i could eat despite feeling that way, which were mainly liquids or fruits or mozzarella cheese, mild stuff that didn't make me sicker to my stomach. because otherwise i wouldn't eat at all, and that's not good for you.

today is a bad anniversary for me, and i have all these future questions scaring the crap out of me at the same time as i'm being reminded of unpleasant past-stuff...i hate that.
whitelightning
yemaya, you are definitely not weak...and you're not whining, either. this is hard work you're doing, and it sounds like you have a grip on it. i know what you mean about really wanting to explore other options (like meds or new therapy) and not having the resources to do so. my advice is to keep talking about it, while you're searching. that's what seems to help me, anyway. and i think you're right about having a predisposition to it - depression may never truly leave you, but you can learn to live with it - recognize it for what it is and say "it's here, but it's not going to stop me from doing x, y and z today." i know that sounds lame and trite, but i think it helps.

and i don't think we need to be "happy" (whatever that is) all the time, either- what stargazer said.

anoushh, i attend community college right now and did seek out their counseling services. i may have posted my experiences with it on here, but i'm not sure...anyway, to make a long story short, i felt very uncomfortable talking to the guy and ended up fabricating this tale about my being a raging alcoholic (which is not true...and i'm not in denial about it). i had no intentions of lying, as i'm a pretty trustworthy person, but when i get nervous, i turn into a compulsive and - might i add - rather convincing liar. i can't explain it...it's like he wanted me to just choose an affliction or something and for whatever reason i didn't want to tell him the truth about my cutting and suicidal thoughts and issues with my brother, etc. so we ended the session with the agreement that i attend the AA meetings on campus.

as for sliding scale therapists, the cheapest one i've found so far is $50 a pop. the state university here does offer cheap counseling sessions, but as i've mentioned before, they do the one-way mirror thing. i'm sure it's totally confidential, i just don't feel comfortable with it. am i being a baby about it? i.e., beggars can't be choosers, etc. i'll probably freak out during it and spin some more yarns about addictions i don't really have...
mornington
*delurks*

(((((yemaya)))))

In my experiences, depression is definitely cyclic, and it's definitely not possible to be happy all the time. I'm on prozac, and although I still go up and down, I've found the medication stops me from going right down (to suicidal, which was rare anyway), although I still have to deal with motivational problems and tiredness. I get irritable during my low periods, and I find that trying to jolly myself up - or having other people do it - can make me worse. I hope that makes sense.

I still get headaches, but I found the side-effects sound worse than they are, if any. The list is so long, but it has to be exhaustive.

octinoxate, I get nausea with migraines, and I find sucking boiled sweets can help. As can sucking on a teaspoon of honey, for some reason. I also tend towards mild foods and eating a little of what I really want, rather than trying to force myself to eat.
ratgrl
*Delurks* ((((All depressed Busties))))

Another "lifer" here; I've been depressed since childhood, although I wasn't officially diagnosed or medicated for it until age 30. Since then, I've been on one med or another; the latest is Wellbutrin, which I've been taking for 5 years now. I've also been diagnosed as having OCD and anxiety disorder.

Oh, and I just got a new antidepressant yesterday--Effexor, which I'm supposed to take along with the Wellbutrin. The Effexor was actually prescribed by a headache specialist who said he's seen it help chronic migraines. We'll see. I just hope it doesn't cause me any of the nasty side effects I've heard of. Apparently, that's a very individual thing, so it remains to be seen how I react to it.

It's been mentioned in here about the social stigma that depression has. I agree that it still exists, but I think it's less than it used to be; after all, so many people are being treated for it now! But, as of 3 days ago, I'm on a 2-week leave of absence from work because of--ta-da--my depression. Some stuff happened at work last Thursday that left me absolutely undone.Then when I got home that night, my dog--who's currently undergoing chemotherpy for lymphoma--became very ill and had to be hospitalized. He got better, but the stress of that, combined with stuff that's going on at work, just finally got the best of me. I went to work Monday and barely made it through the day without breaking down. On Tuesday, I saw my shrink, who agreed that I needed some time off (some of his other patients work at my place of employment and he has a very low opinion of the organization!). He wrote a note to give to my supervisor and completed FMLA papers so that this sick time can't be used against me. So then I went to my supervisor and gave her the paperwork, and that was that. She was very nice to me about it all (maybe she feared I'd have a nervous breakdown right there in her office?!), but it still feels weird that now, after having worked there almost 15 years, my superiors and coworkers will all know that I, officially, have a mental illness.

It sucks, but I really do need time away from that place; frankly, I don't know if 2 weeks will be enough. And the weather certainly isn't helping; over here, it's ridiculously cold, snowy and icy. And the sun hardly ever comes out this time of year. sad.gif

About "degrees" of depression: I would agree that they exist, having experienced varying degrees myself. But as has already been said, it's such an individual thing that what one person can experience and still be functional, someone else might experience the exact same "degree" and need to be hospitalized. Bottom line: Depression is depression, and it sucks!

Oh, and I really hate it when people who are lucky enough not to have suffered from this say things like, "Stop being so depressed!" or "Snap out of it!" If only it were that easy. My God.

Anyway, I hope everyone's doing OK right now.

Peace,
Ratgrl

_octinoxate
Thanks for the advice about nausea. (To respond to your question, anoush: Nah, saying I'm not "tummy-sick" isn't a way of suggesting that the side effects and the depression itself aren't "real"; it's just that, not knowing a lot about how this drug works, I'm trying to figure out if the drug is not physically upsetting my stomach itself but rather just mixing up the brain signals. And I was thinking that if the problem hadn't really started in my stomach, maybe it wouldn't make sense to treat it in my stomach. Did that make sense?) Anyway, I'll try the lemonade, boiled sweets, bread/crackers, fruits/mild cheese...

Re: cheap counseling/treatment: it might be worth calling your county's health department. I know mine offers very cheap medical care and I bet they have mental health care too. Yours very well might work the same way.
candycane_girl
yemaya, I forgot to mention before, I don't know if you're in the U.S. or Canada but I'm from Canada and I was able to contact a local mental health clinic and get treatment for free. Right now I'm seeing a psychologist that I have to pay for but the free treatment definitely helped and got me on the right track.
yemaya
QUOTE(stargazer @ Feb 2 2007, 07:22 PM) *

yemaya, i would get some medication as soon as you if the suicidal thoughts are becoming problematic. sorry to hear you had a negative experience on this board before. i think we need to start viewing ALL diseases/illnesses as being cyclical instead of linear. life is about alot of ups and downs, which i know sounds cheesey and lame. it is though. tomorrow can be totally different today. only handle what you can today.

i think it is good to visual what your definition of happiness is because you may realize an unrealistic notion of what happiness is. happiness is a temporary feeling just like sadness. if we were meant to be happy 24-7, then we would be stepford wives. stop fighting the sadness. i think that is when we really get more upset. we try to fit outselves into a neat little box.

i'm trying to learn to not let things build up inside of me. it is really hard to let my vulnerability show. i've had to take care of myself most of my life. emotionally speaking. i went to a therapist to talk things out off and on from the age of 11 up 'til my late 20s. i'm just allowing myself to feel and not be so rational about things. i was still experiencing my feelings outside of myself. if that makes sense.

i don't know if that helped anyone. but, i think we could all do a service to ourselves not to be so hard on ourselves to fit someone's ideals of wellness. the changes you makes to get well are changes you will need to keep the rest of your life. so yeah, you will have to deal with depression the rest of your life.


Very good point. About what is your personal definition of happiness? I of course read the gamut of self-f help books and I paid particular attention to Martin Seligmann’s work such as Learned Optimism and Authentic Happiness and how he himself had to apply the techniques that he placed in his book, because he certainly was not naturally optimistic. In any case, I understood the importance making that cognitive shift, but as I recall, they never got to those like me who suffer from a terrible self loathing, a debilitating lack of self-esteem that makes it impossible to recognize and appreciate Happiness. And of course to ultimately be Happy with oneself.

I suppose my working definition of Happiness, for me is to not feel self-hatred, to have complete acceptance of myself and to believe that I matter. I think what would make me happy is to be loved to give love and to be totally and completely emotionally and mentally self-sufficient and independent.

Vulnerability. I think I am far too vulnerable and that leads to incredible neediness. The thing is I am very reclusive and asocial by choice, which makes it all that much harder to make and sustain healthier social networks. I honestly believe that I am so damaged, so needy, and that there are so many things wrong with me, that I don’t think I would be suitable for friends. As it is I think most people have a high level of antipathy toward me.

QUOTE
yemaya, you are definitely not weak...and you're not whining, either. this is hard work you're doing, and it sounds like you have a grip on it. i know what you mean about really wanting to explore other options (like meds or new therapy) and not having the resources to do so. my advice is to keep talking about it, while you're searching. that's what seems to help me, anyway. and i think you're right about having a predisposition to it - depression may never truly leave you, but you can learn to live with it - recognize it for what it is and say "it's here, but it's not going to stop me from doing x, y and z today." i know that sounds lame and trite, but i think it helps.

Thank you whitelightening. I think when you are a depressive you are so self-absorbed, so used to feeling the way you feel, at least in my case, that I do think it is difficult to discern lighter moods from dark moods. They just seem to run together. I mean, I can engage in “happy moments’ but I think if you’ve been living with it for many years, it is difficult to feel another way. Its always there, and even though I went into therapy for about a 1/ ½ I never learned how to cope and how to find things that will make me less miserable.



yemaya
QUOTE(mornington @ Feb 2 2007, 10:43 PM) *

*delurks*

(((((yemaya)))))

In my experiences, depression is definitely cyclic, and it's definitely not possible to be happy all the time. I'm on prozac, and although I still go up and down, I've found the medication stops me from going right down (to suicidal, which was rare anyway), although I still have to deal with motivational problems and tiredness. I get irritable during my low periods, and I find that trying to jolly myself up - or having other people do it - can make me worse. I hope that makes sense.


Hello mornington. Tiredness is an issue for me as well. At this point in my life I feel so old. I am in my late twenties but I feel so much older...so elderly and fragile because I am so tired…so exhausted with fighting myself and being so angry. So. Unbelievably angry a lot the time.

Which brings me back to the cliché that Depression is anger turned inward. I do believe that there is some truth in that statement. Because you are self-absorbed and you nurse all these bad feelings, it is really anger and I think of some depressives like myself, may have had some event that triggered what was already there and then we don’t know how to deal with the event(s) and the ensuing anger. I do feel it, but there is the guilt that I shouldn’t feel these things, that I should just snap out of it etc. Well I am sure you know.


QUOTE(ratgrl @ Feb 3 2007, 12:56 AM) *

*Delurks* ((((All depressed Busties))))

Another "lifer" here; I've been depressed since childhood, although I wasn't officially diagnosed or medicated for it until age 30. Since then, I've been on one med or another; the latest is Wellbutrin, which I've been taking for 5 years now. I've also been diagnosed as having OCD and anxiety disorder.

Oh, and I just got a new antidepressant yesterday--Effexor, which I'm supposed to take along with the Wellbutrin. The Effexor was actually prescribed by a headache specialist who said he's seen it help chronic migraines. We'll see. I just hope it doesn't cause me any of the nasty side effects I've heard of. Apparently, that's a very individual thing, so it remains to be seen how I react to it.

It's been mentioned in here about the social stigma that depression has. I agree that it still exists, but I think it's less than it used to be; after all, so many people are being treated for it now! But, as of 3 days ago, I'm on a 2-week leave of absence from work because of--ta-da--my depression. Some stuff happened at work last Thursday that left me absolutely undone.Then when I got home that night, my dog--who's currently undergoing chemotherpy for lymphoma--became very ill and had to be hospitalized. He got better, but the stress of that, combined with stuff that's going on at work, just finally got the best of me. I went to work Monday and barely made it through the day without breaking down. On Tuesday, I saw my shrink, who agreed that I needed some time off (some of his other patients work at my place of employment and he has a very low opinion of the organization!). He wrote a note to give to my supervisor and completed FMLA papers so that this sick time can't be used against me. So then I went to my supervisor and gave her the paperwork, and that was that. She was very nice to me about it all (maybe she feared I'd have a nervous breakdown right there in her office?!), but it still feels weird that now, after having worked there almost 15 years, my superiors and coworkers will all know that I, officially, have a mental illness.

It sucks, but I really do need time away from that place; frankly, I don't know if 2 weeks will be enough. And the weather certainly isn't helping; over here, it's ridiculously cold, snowy and icy. And the sun hardly ever comes out this time of year. sad.gif

About "degrees" of depression: I would agree that they exist, having experienced varying degrees myself. But as has already been said, it's such an individual thing that what one person can experience and still be functional, someone else might experience the exact same "degree" and need to be hospitalized. Bottom line: Depression is depression, and it sucks!

Oh, and I really hate it when people who are lucky enough not to have suffered from this say things like, "Stop being so depressed!" or "Snap out of it!" If only it were that easy. My God.

Anyway, I hope everyone's doing OK right now.

Peace,
Ratgrl


I really like some of what you said ratgrl. The social stigma, especally in my community. I'll write more to you later about this.

Thank you ALL for your encouragement.

Peace.
ratgrl
Hi, Yemaya! First, I want to say I'm sorry that you initially got such a negative response on this thread when you posted last year; I hope that this time around, you're finding it much more welcoming. Of all the Bust conversation threads, this should be one of the most supportive, IMO!

You've attributed your depression, at least in part, to anger and feelings of vulnerablity, which I can certainly relate to. Certain triggers--absolutely. I can honestly say that my depression can be attributed partly to, literally, decades' worth of anger toward those who were not very nice to me when I was young (yes, family, so-called "friends," I'm talking to you!). I'm a major grudge-holder and while I'm sometimes capable of forgiving, I never--and I do mean never--forget!

Annelise, I've had the bad-anniversary thing happen to me. And, for better or worse, I'm one of those people who have a knack for remembering exact dates when certain things happened. I hope you got through Friday OK!

Mando, what you said about letting certain bad feelings fester but trying to keep them under control--that's what I've done a lot, as well. I can also relate to what you said about a mild panic attack becoming "not so mild"--I think that's pretty much what happened to me last week, and it's the reason I'm off work for stress leave right now. I hope that your new med and therapy sessions are helping and that you're feeling better.

Actually, I hope *everyone* here is feeling better. Keep on keeping on.

Hugs,
Ratgrl
stargazer
yemaya, i'm glad you came back to this thread. it is good that you are talking with us about your feelings and thoughts. you have been so open with us.

i had to use the visualization and definition of "happiness" for myself to see how unrealistic i was about my own acceptance of my feelings. i didn't use it as a way to be optimistic actually. i didn't see it that way. you make an excellent point. i've always had this mentality that i would get through things, that things would get better somehow. it was more about accepting the full range of feelings i possess. when i suggest our reality of happiness, i'm not only talking cognitive thoughts, but also, what would be different about you? how would your social life be different? how would you be behaving differently? what in your environment would change?

that helped me to realize that i couldn't run away from my problems. they would always be there. i would have an adolescent reaction growing up that if i moved then things would be different for me. but, baggage follows you everywhere. unless, you are willing to make changes, then nothing will ever change. at least for myself. i have no control over others, but i have control over myself.

and i have to give myself a big pat on the back. my mother was trying to induce guilt with me by her usual "witholding of love and affection" to punish me. while i was disappointed with her that she still pulls this shit game with me, i had to remind myself that i'm not responsible for her feelings. i did not hurt her because i spoke up to her. i had a disagreement with her and that's that. i must be in a better and stronger place emotionally because normally i would've cried and taken the blame. i would've apologized for something that was not my fault.
candycane_girl
stargazer, that's really insightful of you to realize that your mother's actions can't be blamed on you.

I've been getting better at dealing with things as they happen. I mean, sure I plan on moving away eventually anyway but I am not going to run away from my problems.
maddy29
i'm so depressed. I just feel awful. I missed work yesterday and wanted to skip again today, but i made myself come in today. of course now i wish i was in bed. sometimes i just get so sick of trying. trying to look on the bright side, or see the good. sick of trying to eat right, exercise, do things "right" like be at work on time, etc. it all seems like it doesn't even really matter. when i do things "right" i'm not necessarily happier anyways. i feel like the world just sucks. and nothing i do is going to make it better. i don't even know how to make myself feel better. i feel like life isn't supposed to be this happy lovely thing, but we are told it is...and then we're disappointed that life isn't that way. at least i am. i keep trying to find a way to accept the world the way it is, and to live in it, but i just can't. i just hate it. just want to turn off my brain and be one of those happy zombie people who just go through the day like la la la, no biggie.

i just want to give up, but i've done that before and i know it's worse than just keeping on. i'm just so sick of trying to cheer up, look at things differently, blah blah blah.
candycane_girl
maddy, are you seeing anyone to help with your depression right now? Some of what you're saying sounds exactly the way I felt when I was at a really bad point with my depression. I don't really know what to say because life isn't always great whether we're dpressed or not. But I think it's better to feel things than to not feel anything at all.
maddy29
no, i haven't been in therapy for quite a while. i'm having a really hard time expressing what i'm feeling. i can't quite get a handle on it. i just feel like breaking down right now, but breaking down just makes things worse. i have to keep going whether i want to or not.

i just get so overwhelmed by the world. if i could ignore the news, the war, the awful things that happen every day, the evil that people commit...etc etc etc, if i could ignore it all i'd have a chance of living and being ok. but i can't ignore it and i can't change it. so it just overwhelms me and brings me down.

i feel powerless. trapped. i just want to hide in my bed. i know that'll make me feel worse but that's the only place i want to be. and when i'm there i hate it and just want to be all done. i'm scared. i hate feeling like this, i hate that it never goes away. i feel like i pretend most of the time still....i just don't know. i'm so confused.
whitelightning
maddy, i'm sorry you're feeling so down. i understand that feeling of powelessness and hopelessness - for what's going on in the world right now ("the big stuff") and what's going on in the personal realm. i think it's natural to feel immobilized - sometimes i feel pressure to be a "good" person too. like i should be doing something about this war, about local politics, about my friendships, about my boyfriend...right down to feeling like a complete asshole for throwing away a plastic wrapper.

as far as the big stuff goes, remember that some things are beyond your control. but you are in control of yourself - don't flip the two around. it's true that things are pretty fucked up right now...if you're feeling overwhelmed, sit still and be with your thoughts. sometimes just naming a feeling is a powerful act. being perceptive and sensitive to your environment is certainly a productive act.

i'm coming to realize that "happy" people aren't any happier than you are i - they just name their feelings better than we do...maybe.

my aforementioned inspirational friend (who's always retorting "not with that attitude, you won't!") told me to try coming home from my day and not say "god, i'm so tired" or "i can never do that" or "i'm so ugly" and other negative things about not wanting to do the laundry, go to work, etc. maybe if we think things are dreadful, it's because we've made them dreadful. this isn't to say we're at fault!!...some things are horrible and tedious. she was telling me to recognize it as tedious but go at it with a more positive attitude. i told her i'd try....it's quite the experiment for me.

another friend once told me that every single thought we have manifests itself somehow, whether it's in dreams or reality. hmm.

today, i'm taking an exam. my usual MO is to freak out and say "i'm gonna fail, i'm gonna fail". but this time i'm going to try and have fun with it.

maddy, don't ignore the news. if you feel like you want to crawl into bed, do it. but then get up out of bed and write down what you're thinking. or go for a walk. talk to someone about it, etc. but be a good friend to yourself.

p.s. this inspirational kick i'm on today is most uncharacteristic. i've been feeling "OK" these days.
maddy29
thanks. a lot of it is the "big stuff" that is just so upsetting, on a daily basis. part of me feels like, well, if i weren't so lazy/unmotivated/pathetic i'd be doing things to save the world!!! which is of course dumb, but then i beat myself up for not doing those things.

gah, i dunno, my head's just all messed up. maybe i just have to say ok i'm depressed, it'll pass, just cry it out or whatever. i just can't believe how bad i f eel today. like i want to hurt myself. i mean, not that I'd do that, but that's the urge. I don't know how to just live. LIve the daily life without finding it incredibly stupid and boring and pointless.

This day sucks, and it's sooo hard to concentrate when I feel like this-of course my supervisor wants to spend a few hours going over this stuff that is very detail oriented and i feel like just passing out.

i get the whole trying to be more positive, and i really do try. sometimes it just feels like such utter bullshit though and then i'm disgusted with myself for trying to be all perky and shit.

a lot of my depression is anger that i don't express, a lot of it is self-hatred/blame/guilt, and part of it is that i just cannot accept the reality of life. i'm trying, i just can't do it. and i can't figure out how to walk around and live in a world that's so scary and mean.

i wrote a long list about things i'm angry about-it really IS mostly the big stuff that's happening in the world. things that have been happening forever and doesn't seem to change. that stuff really burdens me down and leaves me feeling really awful.

THEN, i add the next important ingredient-a massive amount of guilt. cause of course, I am somehow responsible for all the crap in the world. or, if not responsible, i should be able to fix it. I should be a hard core activist that works a zillion hours on different causes. I should never complain cause I have it so easy compared to so many. But I do complain, and that makes me feel guilty and bad about myself.

sometimes i feel like i'm still trying so hard to be "good." whatever the fuck that even means!!
lucizoe
(((maddy))) internet hugs to you, for what it's worth

If you lived nearby I'd have you over, we'd smoke a huge bowl of some wicked good stuff from my neighbor (purchased with the profits from the sale of his cheating ex's jewelry - sweet, sweet retribution drugs), and then watch sappy movies until we're all cried out.

I'm really trying to master (mistress? why is there no female equivalent to that word which does not have negative sexist connotations?!??!) or become proficient in not giving a shit. This latest long-term funk was definitely started with the 2000 "election" (my friends and I sat in the lounge of my dorm weeping) and exacerbated in a big way by 2004...being a political junkie takes its toll after a while, and I wish wish wish it was easier to cocoon. Because honestly, it is totally okay to do that. If the Bush twins can actually sleep at night, then I think we deserve to not feel guilty for not doing more.

But that's getting into relativism, I suppose, and I really don't want to think about the Shrubs anymore. The assholes.

(((everyone)))

maddy29
luci-yeah, it's true, i've had this awful feeling ever since the 2000 elections when i watched that asswipe get "elected." i remember it soooo vividly-sitting there alone, just crying my heart out, thinking "the next 8 years are going to suck so bad." Gah-sadly we were all right!

It's true, I think about people like the bush girls and paris hilton and stuff, and i think geez, if THEY don't feel guilty and they are kazillionaires who actually COULD make some real change, then why am i beating myself up? and, it's not like me beating myself up helps anyone anyways. gah. i know that, so why do i still do it? patterns are hard to change i guess.

lol about mistress-that sounds funny smile.gif i feel like i was not giving a shit for a long time, or i mean, caring about people and stuff but not to the detriment of my own health. not sure why it's back with a venegance (sp?)

i think i'll workout after work, and i saved a buffy episode-where her mom dies-in case i need something to help me get the waterworks going good and strong. so i'll watch that and weep and maybe it'll feel better to just get it out of me.

fucking life. grr. stupid ass depression.

i'm weaning off my xanax, i dunno if that has anything to do with it. but i've cut back over half my dose since the new year and am working on being just done with it. i dunno, maybe i'm more irritable right now because of that....

thanks peeps. glad this thread is here.
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