Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: *sigh* ........the depression thread
The BUST Lounge > Forums > Our Bodies, Our Hells
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28
ChingusKhan
To Runningwestward,

Hang in and I think you'll find the cognitive behavior therapy really, really helpful. Be honest with yourself and your therapist for best results. And work at it. You're an athlete and take that approach to your therapy. Work at it.

Interesting stuff, about athletes and depression: I personnally think we're sometimes more susceptable. (My spelling sucks!) I think it's because we can push ourselves beyond sense and reason sometimes. One of the things I learned in my therapy is I can make myself do damm near anything! A real good thing sometimes; a real stupid thing other times. As I understand it, by pushing your body past its "fight or flight" blows out your adernal gland system. I guess your body kinda says: "Alright, you're not listening so I'm not talking!".

And sleep is good right now!

You are doing everything right: You've got support from someone you love and who loves you, you've started some meds and you're about to start therapy: It may not feel like it right now but you are well on your way back to health and full recovery.

Remember that depression is not you. Big "D" depression is a medical condition. It is a disease and you caught it. It's not a charector (I told you my spelling sucks!) flaw. You caught and now you taking the steps you need to beat it. And you will. Hang in and in six - eight months (Sounds long but it isn't.), I'm betting you'll be much, much better.
runningwestward
ChingusKhan, Thank you. I've did some hunting when this first started to see if there were side effects of the meds on athletes. I came across a lot of articles on depression and athletes. Reading about their experiences was like a light coming on as I kept saying "yeah, me too!". Your point on the adrenal gland is interesting. I definitely have the finish line or ambulance mentality (not good... so not good... that's what got me an IV at the end of my last race). I might hunt around to learn more about that.

Sassy - I get stressed about seeing my parents too. Especially my mom. She is rather selfish and right now I find that hard to handle. I have food intolerances that she doesn't acknowledge so I often can't eat dinner when I'm there and if I have an episode or a crappy day I can't deal with it as I need to I just get told to put on the happy face and repress it. Which just makes it worse. Make plans to do something extra nice for yourself when you get home, then you'll have something to look forward to. Like the proverbial carrot. That's how I survive it. My carrot is a swim and sushi.
sassafrass
I can also relate to the tendency to push oneself to an debilitating point, except, for me, there's a slight twist: rather than being an athlete who engages in impressive feats (seriously, you jock girls are like mythical goddesses to me: foreign, but impressive), I usually have very low energy and stamina, so just doing normal, everyday things take a lot out of me (see the chronic illnesses thread re: cfs). Thus, I used to push myself to get normal stuff done and feel really, really bad about it when I was unable (and allow my dh to also make me feel guilty). But recently I've decided to own it and not apologize for it. And to learn to live w/it. Depression certainly made it worse. Anyway, now I may spend a couple of hours cleaning and also do something w/my kids (tiny tots: they take a lot out of you), and then I'm DONE. There's no way I'm going to do anything else but read or watch a movie, or else it'll be too much.
sassygrrl
Well, they're coming to town in 3 days. I'm going to try to keep myself busy, and I've already scheduled an appointment with my therpist. I have to spend 4 days alone with them, and I lost my job. So, I'm sure that will be brought up a billion times. My boyfriend will not be there. Yet, he said if the shit hits the fan. he can drive down. The worst of it, I don't drive. So, I'll be stuck in their house with them yelling at me. So not looking forward to this. But, I couldn't say no, b/c it was Dad's bday.



cinderflower
Hang in and I think you'll find the cognitive behavior therapy really, really helpful. Be honest with yourself and your therapist for best results. And work at it. You're an athlete and take that approach to your therapy. Work at it.

That is so true. Most of my therapy for years has been CBT and RET and it's how I limped along for decades without medication. I had all the thoughts and behaviors down, it was just kicking the physical end of it. If you work hard at your therapy, you will benefit greatly from the whole package. It sounds trite, but hang in there because it definitely gets better. Just remember: life isn't fair and the calvary isn't coming. Oh, and we had probably all better behave or someone is going to turn this internet around and make us go straight to bed.

Just an aside: I always found it more helpful to keep a lot of things to myself. I know it's tempting to talk to friends, but depression isn't easily understood by a lot of people. Writing in a journal always helped me keep perspective. Not that I never talked to anyone about how I felt, I was just careful with information.
ChingusKhan
"Just an aside: I always found it more helpful to keep a lot of things to myself. I know it's tempting to talk to friends, but depression isn't easily understood by a lot of people. Writing in a journal always helped me keep perspective. Not that I never talked to anyone about how I felt, I was just careful with information."

Amen. Remember, your hsband / wife / girlfriend / boyfriend is not your therapist. They are there for you but they can't cure you. You cure you and you do that by taking responsibility for the disease and dealing with it medically. That sounds really harsh when I re-read what I've written but I do believe it to be true. That is not to say that by getting help, you'll turn into some uber-person; ultra-efficent and ultra-confident in all things... But I do believe that, with medical help, therapy and taking ownership of the disease, you can be a better you.

For example, I know in my case, that if I try to operate for any length of time on limited sleep, my emotienal (I am such a shitty speller!) state gets dicey. That means I have to get my sleep. That's my job, my responsibility. It also means that when I do feel a little fragile, I can check myself: If Iive not had enough sleep, I know that a good night's worth will almost certainly put thngs right.

Like the journal thing, too.
anna k
I hate it when I feel like hell. I'm going to get a refill of Paxil soon because I'm all out, and I feel depressed and down. I don't have any close friends to rely on, and I'm staying with my grandmother in my house until I can secure a place of my own. I just feel old at 23 because I don't get to hang out with my peers a lot. I've tried, but I can't really hold on to anybody, or feel like I'm too much of a nerd, or not nerdy in a cool way. I feel bad mostly because I don't have my medication, other times I can feel beautiful and light and happy and not as in the dumps as now. I'd love to be one of those artsy hipster types who post lots of pics of themselves and their friends on Myspace and travel together and live this great boho life, but it's not my life right now. My life is in transition, finding a new place to live and finding a better job. So I can't kick myself too much for not having that boho life, even though I would think that I would fit in as a unique type.
candycane_girl
I never know if I should post in here or the Becoming Healthy thread but I guess I'll post in here because right now I am just down and frustrated and depressed. I haven't been in here in a long while. Things have been looking up for me on the whole. But I'm just so frustrated right now and it's because of my weight. I'm about 100 pounds overweight. I never thought that this would happen. It seems like it just sneaked up on me which I know sounds ridiculous. But you know, 5 pounds here, 5 pounds there. I guess I'm really good at ignoring things.

Yes, I eat more than I should. Yes, I eat junk food. No, I don't exercise. So yeah, I guess it's no surprise how I got this way. But I am so upset tonight. Especially thanks to the comments from my mom. One minute she's asking me if there's any ice cream in the freezer and then she's telling me that I need to take care of my weight and that she's refrained from saying anything about my weight and my health. I don't have any weight related problems that I know of but I guess it's just a matter of time. Fuck, I'm so upset and just crying and feeling incredibly frustrated.
Peggy-in-FL
I suffer from sever depression. Durring my teenage years I never went outside of my home, it has only been a few years now that I came out into the world. I have trouble with being social because of this, and after trying it seems like the effort is a waste.
angelle321
Candycane, I feel ya. I'm in a similar boat. It *can* just kind of sneak up like that. My grandma also does the same kind of thing as your mom with the feeding then criticizing. I guess I don't have a whole lot to offer, other than I can definitely relate and sympathize.

My depression monster has been creeping out a little more lately. I know I need to take better care of myself overall and that it would help. A lot of little things just add up I guess.

Peggy, it sounds like you have probably made definite progress though. That's a good thing, right? I go back and forth with the social thing. Thinking that it would be good for me and thinking that it's too scary to bother and I'd just rather be by myself than have to face going to new places and act like I'm more normal than I am. Methinks I have more of a depression/anxiety combo with it though witht he sounds of that. Again, I guess I don't have much more to offer than being able to relate.
candycane_girl
thanks Angelle. It seems like all of a sudden things have gone from great to terrible. I talked with my mom and things are better now. I'm just going to try to make like, little changes instead of changing everything right away.

But anyway, as for things getting worse, tonight they did. Everything was going fine and then suddenly there's a huge argument between my mom and dad, and of course I got involved. Apparently my dad thinks that none of us care about him (that hurt the most) and nothing my brother and I do matters. Basically what's going on is that my mom had foot surgery on both feet back in May. The recovery process is a really long time (at least 4 months) so my brother and I have really been trying to pick up the slack. We both clean around the house and I've been cooking a bit but apparently none of that even counts, my dad just doesn't acknowledge anything we do, it's never enough for him. I'm so angry and frustrated but I really don't know what to do. I'm moving out in a month so I guess I should just try to ignore it, I don't know.
sassafrass
Peggy, when I was in my late teens/early 20s, my self-consious anxiety had gotten really bad (I had depression, too) and I found it excrutiating to stand on the corner of a busy intersection (waiting for the light to change so I could cross) or walk thru a grocery store. I used the old "fake-it-till-you-make-it" trick, which is to act "as if" you already ARE whatever it is you want to be. So I arranged my body as if I was totally confident and comfortable: I straightened up, strode like a supermodel, kept my gaze up high, stood with casual elegance. This was REALLY hard to do, and I did it for a long time. But it worked! I swear to God! I slowly became more confident and less anxious--at least in public. In fact, to this day, some 15 years later, people still compliment me on my fine posture. Inwardly it makes me laugh, for if they only knew where that good posture came from.
cinderflower
Isn't it funny how that "fake-it-till-you-make-it" works? It sounds insane but it worked for me. I used to think people could just "tell" things about me (that I was secretly a fraud/incompetent/crazy/worthless/etc.) but I came to realize that people really don't know this stuff. A lot of times if you act like you're great, other people believe it.

I also realize that it would be overwhelming and impossible to fake being 100 lbs. lighter. It makes me sad to read that--of course I have my own problems but that sounds like it would be horrible. I remember when I couldn't find an antidepressant that worked, and a woman online (in a depression support group) was telling me about a new one that she loved, so I asked her if there were side effects and she said brightly, "NO!" then said later, "well since I've started, I've gained about 150 lbs.," and I said, "I'm sorry, but that, in and of itself, would MAKE me depressed even if I weren't already." I was promptly banned and told that I'm cold-hearted and shallow and couldn't possibly understand what it's like to be overweight, etc. I've just always been a little obsessed (who isn't?) with not gaining weight so I refuse to take any meds that would cause weight gain.

I know I can't really do anything for you except maybe say that I feel terrible for people who have to live in situations with people who do all the crazy things (make fudge and buy ice cream and then say, "oh yes I found these lovely size 2 pants so I bought them for you but of course you can't fit into them.") Remember, no one (well almost no one) gets depressed all on her own and sometimes it is the family situation that is exacerbating or even originating the problem. Life isn't fair and we all get dumped on, but recognizing that even if other people had a lot to do with the problem it's our responsibility to make it tolerable is important.

Maybe you could join a group like Jenny Craig (yeah I know, I'm SURE that never occurred to you) (redundant redundant redundant me) and try to lose weight slowly. If you didn't gain it overnight, you probably can't get rid of it overnight either.
candycane_girl
Well, I have to say that I've been doing a lot better since the weekend (and yeah I know it's only Wednesday). I think this is one of the things that makes me feel like therapy really helped me because now I can actually solve problems instead of wallowing in my depression.

I ended up having a big long discussion with my dad and he apologized for a lot of the things he said. I think a huge part of my problem with him his miscommunication but like I said, after our talk things improved greatly.

As for the weight, well, first off I also talked to my mom about some of the things she said. I've been eating a lot better since the weekend as well. I mean like just healthy cereal for breakfast and a sandwich, apple, juice and yogurt for lunch (that's not too bad, is it?). I posted in the Becoming Healthy thread that from now on I will eat what I want and just be sure to watch portion control. I don't expect that I'll be eating perfectly healhty food all of the time but at least I'm really making an effort now.

I also find that when I feel happy it's almost like I'm less focused on food. I think food is really a distraction for me, especially when I'm depressed and the happier I am, the less I care about it.
stargazer
candy, sorry for your family situation. but, it does sound like you are handling things well for yourself. remember to give yourself credit for that. and it amazing as you get healthier, the less crap you are willing to do with. at the same time, your loved ones can have a stuff time with the changes you are making for yourself. try not to let them deter you from the progress you are making.

there is also an interesting dynamic going on with your parents. but, if you want, then PM me and i can share my insight with you. keep taking care of yourself!
candycane_girl
Thanks so much star! Like I said, I think that going to therapy has really helped me learn how to deal with things and solve problems. Before I may have kept it in but now I talk with people when I have a problem with them. Also, I'll never forget my psychologist saying "You can't control people's actions but you can control how you react to them" and it's just so true. I honestly think I had like, the best therapist in the world, even my mom is always telling me that she can see a difference in my mood and how I react to things. smile.gif
Moonpieluv
Sigh is right. I wonder if I'm suffering cause I experience relatively intense insecurity, feeling like others are discussing/gossiping about me, sometimes just completely down on myself over everything.... When someone reminds me about how good-hearted, smart, and okay I am... the tears well up. At 27, I care way too much about what others think, compare myself, and allow them to TELL ME who I Am, and I didn't as much before I moved back from NYC. I worry and obsess over stuff all the time, I have a hard time letting it go.... seeking approval and recognition and faith and love. I know I've been thru a lot of transition in the past year, and I'm trying to catapult myself into the things that do make me happy, but I'm so friggin hard on myself.... berate berate berate. I see the positive in that this awareness of myself has increased (opens to honesty with myself), but it's such a struggle. When I'm in pretty hardcore phase of self-bashing, I suck on the bottle a bit too much, don't keep up with bills and other responsiblities, don't go to yoga, don't do any creative projects or read, eat poorly, don't take my vitamins....It's not hard-core symptoms that I'm aware of, but just the overall anxiety/insecurity/self-bash stuff. That butterfly feeling, needing to breath and relax, don't seek as much stimulation, etc. beating myself up when I don't accomplish a task I set out to do. I've taken shit personally, been defensive, and hard on myself for as long as I can remember! It got bad in late high school, waned, and then got bad now.... Depression or.....?

My fight with my roomie has me spiraling. My hanging with a new boy has me confused cause he makes me smile, I feel confident, and is stimulating. But our thing will not go unnoticed. And I just really don't want to care what they think cause it's like friggin sunshine in my world right now....We are temporary, but he has pushed me to stay true to myself...I hope I didn't scare him off by discussing my insecurities...

I'm not seeking a diagnosis... to each their own with therapy, but I've slipped across this thread before. Some empathy or comments or something is most welcome....and good luck with everything y'all, glad to hear your therapists are helping you kick some arse! smile.gif

I know what to do in general... that balance we all seek, but the negative thoughts invade! Cried last night when listening to the new Bjork, but did some journaling.....Realized who some of my friends are...and some possible new "sunny" but human and real friends could be. But been feeling that anxious chest feeling since I woke up... first waking thought being the bad stuff, instead of my emotional resolution yesterday. Not wanting to see anyone in the neighborhood at all... anxiety.

"'You can't control people's actions but you can control how you react to them' and it's just so true"

If I'm going to obsess over something...then perhaps this phrase would be best! Thanks Candycane. That really helps.
StilettoGirl
WELLBUTRIN AND WEIGHT

I have been on Wellbutrin for the past five months. While the side effects say weight loss, I have gained weight on it. I am on Weight Watchers and don't cheat, and I exercise a lot, so I know it's not diet/excercise. However, my doctor insists this cannot happen.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I dont' want to quit it if it is not re
StilettoGirl
WELLBUTRIN AND WEIGHT

I have been on Wellbutrin for the past five months. While the side effects say weight loss, I have gained weight on it. I am on Weight Watchers and don't cheat, and I exercise a lot, so I know it's not diet/excercise. However, my doctor insists this cannot happen.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

I dont' want to quit it if it is not responsible for the weight gain but, at the same time, I can't eat less/exercise more b/c I'm on a healthy program and don't want to be anorexic.
Moonpieluv
Sorry Stiletto, I have yet to try meds, but am entirely open to the idea if I can't manage without.

This time I have a question regarding my last post:

What are your thoughts regarding Quarter Life Crisis, Post-College Depression?

I've been doing some reading and feel attuned to much of what I've read. I'm trying to get my butt forward with my career, friendships, dating, personal development...etc, but have these roadblocks of fear, lack of self-confidence and/or worth, etc. (see below).

Please share your experiences/fears/etc. moving forward past college and into your late twenties if y'all feel comfortable doing so. If it's too personal, feel free to send me a private message. Kinda like reassurance that I'm not alone in this...

Thanks...
knorl05
moonpieluv. yes. i can relate and empathize. it used to have me suicidal. now i'm learning to deal. we simply must continue doing what we can to keep ourselves out of the vortex of negative emotions. it's all very perpetual. but so much of what you've said is exactly the way i've felt.. and that uncomfortable feeling in the chest, leaves me feeling vulnerable.. and i hate it. meditation and breathing exercises have helped tremendously. also, redirecting my thought process, and engaging more positive thoughts than negative. seeing things realistically. recognizing when something is erroneous, finding the source, learning then letting it go. i'm not sure what you need, only you know what you are comfortable with pursuing to help you live more healthy.. therapist, meds, yoga, diet etc etc etc. personally i swear by psychologists. i tried every self improvement method you could think of (including medication) but there is something so empowering and healing about the care and concern of another human being, who knows and understands your symptoms and can help you work through them.
snarky7
moonpieluv - OMG you sound just like me. i'm past the post-college blues myself, but i've reached a turning point in my life - 30-something, divorced, no boyfriend anymore, work sucks, i can't find anything good in myself or others most days.... it is SO HARD to be such a passionate person, yet so hard on yourself. if you are like me, you strive for perfection in everything. it is so hard when things don't go as planned. hard to take things for what they are and move on. I so relate especially to your "they-are-out-to-get-me" comments. i was on a bit of a family trip and swore even my own mother was talking about me behind my back... it is awful. i can't go out with colleagues to the bar because i always seem to get excluded from conversation somehow, usually because i don't have thoughts about the topic in question, or maybe because i am just so different from everyone else (they are all happy in relationships, no kids, no bad stuff for them to deal). plus i do the whole emo thing too...i cry at stupid things, like people asking me how i am doing? or the fave: are you okay? sheesh.

silly thing is...i've been in counseling for years. i can fix (and have fixed much of it) the physical stuff, but my head and my emotions are completely another story. like the PINK song: Don't let me get me oh i so wish.

i realize that advice is the last thing you want to hear, but find your true friend(s). the ones who will be honest and will be there for you no matter what. this is no small feat for someone like you or like me... but try. i still have other friends or aquaintances elsewhere, but on those really tough days i can pick up the phone and at least call one of my true-ies to say hey or get some of my thoughts off my chest.

i really couldn't do it without them. without a little support somewhere. i don't think any of us are great on our own. surround yourself with those who help make you great.

try to keep your chin up - know there are more in the world who share your same place....
Moonpieluv
Thanks y'all. I'm really trying to wrestle through it. It will get better and slump back down again. I am a bit proud of myself for distancing myself from people who don't enhance the positive nature of myself. I.E. the bar-hopping drink drink drink every night flies and their weird twisted world of boredom, sex, and betrayal.

The move to TN will help, as well. I'll finally be going after what I want and have wanted for the longest time. Perhaps some of my mental confusion will lift.

But thanks... keep em coming y'all. I think it's important to discuss quarterlife crisis... the transition into late 20's to 30's.
Moonpieluv
rolleyes.gif And then the invasion... financially in the pooper, preparing for a rather emotional move albeit to a better situation, new found crush and potential loss, saying goodbye to one "life" and "hello" to another in a sense despite its obvious improvements.... It is just that I'm going thru a lot of change (and have been in the last year constantly) and fear and feelings of being overwhelmed are normal or am I just not coping very well with things that aren't that big of a deal?

Wow.... anyone had such significant life changes happen in a relatively short period of time that it just makes you feel like pancake being flipped in the air by a huge pan over and over again?

But then I'll take what knorl said about doing what we can.... and being realistic, watching for the erroneous. Taking a step back and realizing what's truly important to your happiness.

And snarky's thoughts about finding your real friends... since I've been a bit down in the shitter lately, some of friends, whom I thought gave a shit, haven't been calling. It's like if I'm all sunshine and hubba-bubba, then GREAT! let's go grab a drink.

At a crossroads, or a bit down or working some shit out (like all these realizations and the move) well.... they ain't no where to be found. crickets chirping.

oh well. thanks again! I've recently been reading a great book sorta... i think... called "Dancing Backwards in High heels" about how women master the art of resilence. I'll keep you posted when I come across something endearing and helpful.

Thanks for the support again!
knorl05
moonpie. i added you as a friend smile.gif i have been enduring similar thoughts about the social scene that i've run in for about 2 (maybe more) years now. it's like, god, become so trite... to me anyway. i've always been in the underground art/music scene in my area but it seems as though all of us party kids are growing up with no place to go. you can only do the thing for so long until you realize, what is this doing? i actually think i just need to go deeper into the scene and explore aspects of the poetry and art world i have yet to discover. stuff that's more.... just more. thoughtful. emotional. human. not as centered around altering reality, but instead getting more in touch with reality. ya heard.
snarky7
it sucks when you think you had some good friends and they aren't so when the water's muddy.... i feel the same - many friends i had before the divorce aren't my friends any longer. it is weird when your circles don't overlap their circles anymore. i have to think about stuff like how i will pay the bills and whether or not my son is given any attention during the days his dad has him and how to find the right guy and how to...well, you get the picture. life isn't all cherries (but that is what's on my new belly ring). wishing it was. knorl, you are wise to want "more" but one person's more isn't more for the other.... but if you run across some good poetry, i'd hope you'd share.

moon, you can come to this thread anytime and post...you'll find friends you never thought you had. and btw, if you are the pancake, where's the syrup? oh yeah, crush. smile.gif you go girl.

knorl05
snarky, i'm confused what "knorl, you are wise to want "more" but one person's more isn't more for the other" exactly means... as in what is this referencing? i wasnt necessarily giving advice or anything, just sharing what's up in ma world.
snarky7
just adding to the thoughts. we all want more for sure...pick what works smile.gif. share the fab poetry when you come across it...
Moonpieluv
Sorry so long, but...

Y'all are a bunch of sweet babies in heaven! Thanks for extending your friendship! It has been a bit rough, ok really rough.. and yeah, thankfully I have a supportive crush and possibly more one day backing me with choosing my real friends, practicing resilence and overcoming the negative self-bashing "good girl syndrome" crap that I endure on a daily basis, and just letting go and pushing forward. I was discussing with my mother last night about a friend that has been out of town during the last couple of week's and doesn't know about the specific changes... It will be interesting to find out how she handles my decisions to distance myself from this supposed "art world" of cackalack town to a more academic-y "art" world of another.
This world may work for some, but I'm with ((Knorl))..... I require more stimulation, and I would like it if it were provided in the community as well as my own self-motivated discoveries. My mama said last night that it's not the others fault for being content living their lives as they did 5 years ago... but it's also not my fault for wanting a more rewarding career, friends, mate, life according to my personal goals. It's not my fault that I'm growing up or growing into myself basically and that "art rocker drinker" life spent in a bar just ain't cutting it anymore. And trust me... the art stuff is sparse.

Ex.--It's just when I hear that 34 yr old men are super-soaking an ostracized girl at the local pub in the face and giggling about it. I'm totally fucking disgusted. Or people have to ask permission to date so-and-so. Or if one wants to pursue their goals elsewhere. Basically goes against the grain of the "clan" and is ostracized. So fucking gross.

Being a single, hardly self-sufficient, woman just starting out on her career really and honest self-actualization is so friggin' hard. Depression grabbed me by the butt like a starved mountain lion.

Never mind my financial state, which would depress anyone. It's the pride that I've had to let go of to face the reality of my financial and mental state. Like Something has got to give. And We shouldn't be afraid to ask for help from others who really love us if we've reached that point.

EX---I mean... I was having a super rough time with knowing my ex was moving back from nyc and freaking out a bit....and my "friends" told me to go get a massage or take yoga or something. I've just been too high-strung since I moved back from nyc. Or I get the friend that hears I'm having a rough time from another friend (that doesn't discuss with me their concern nor offer any support whatsoever, but indulges in telling this thru the grapevine) that says "I'm worried about you... you know the people who are telling me these things are only doing it out of love for you... We are just worried about you" Never mind the true story, or that these supposed "out of love" friends aren't around. I feel like these people feign strength, but are totally wounded and insecure on the inside and I threathen their "front". Trite and superficial is right. Cinderflower made a point about people actually adding to your struggle with depression. "Fake-it-till-you-make-it" works at work for me. But not with my friends. Fair weather suits them only.

What the fuck?! thanks "friends". I'm approaching a ten-year high school reunion, and I'm still in high school being ostracized from the "popular" kids? (I was quite the goth(not cheese) punk girl, soo.....haha)

See? anyways. The friends issue is already passing. Accepting and embracing this new phase is upon me.

The syrup to my pancake is definitely my crush, snarky! tongue.gif yum yum and boy, is it sweet!
knorl05
moonpieluv: there should be no shame in living true to what you know is true. you simply have to do whatever you can, explore whatever resources are available to you, to live a better life. depression is not acceptable, to me anyway. i refuse to let my life pass me by and not at least pick up a book or learn something new each day. i may not be the most motivated person on the planet, but i am authentic. i am not living my life for them, they are not with me each day, they are not in my head. you know what i mean? it's like, at the end of the day, you have to answer to yourself. if you are not happy or if you feel something needs to change, that is on you and only you to do.

the whole high school thing... yep. same goes. but it was moreso my college years that fucked with my head. i've always been 'different' and going to school or being around groups of people who value homogeneity over individuality really is hard. i used to pretend it didnt bother me. like fuck you you suck anyway. but deep down it bothered me. and i think, at least for me anyway, seeing how ostracized people are treated in society is sickening because it is just NOT right. it is not cool. and i'm to the age where i've seen a lot and i'm more willing and able to stand up for what i believe in and not blow it off like it's not a big deal because it is.

so yeah. like with depressed people. or whatever. we're simply misunderstood. and it sucks when all these simple people go around trying to assess us or act as if they know whats up when really they dont. and so it becomes annoying to have to ignore them but at the same time you almost have to to maintain your well being.

was that a complete deviation from what you were saying?
Moonpieluv
No no no... I think you fully get it.
I think that's why I posed the question of quarterlife crisis causing or adding to one's depression. The 'where the hell am I going with all this?' questions. Who are my true friends and why am I expending energy on the ones who are not? What do I want out of a mate and out of myself ultimately? How am I going to pull my soon-to-be all cellulite ass out of the weird confused escapist mess I've gotten myself into? Why am I crying like this? Why can't I do the things that make me happy when it's farting in my face practically?

It just all caught up to me. Ya know, I was (and getting better, i think) really unhappy and couldn't pinpoint it or deal with it. People just say that I take shit too seriously. and maybe I do... I've never been the "laidback' one... I enjoy doing heavy studying, twisting my brain about... making silly sock creatures named "beer burping bertha"... ya know.

Interestingly, I wonder if one small root of depression is just the fact that we contemplate.... a lot. And we are constantly struggling to balance the dark and the light, so to speak. Meds should be taken if that balance can't be met otherwise. Talking it out and addressing it and knowing it's out there helps me immensely, so thanks to this thread.. and knorl. I may just make it. sigh... i hope. dry.gif Al-anon could help, too.

ya know, Get it?

Ignoring the poopfaces is best for me. And opening my heart to the ones that care and I care about matters most.

My mama says (haha) that we shouldn't be afraid to ask for help if we need it. It will be given by those who love us.

FYI.(probably should post in "good one" thread).. my crush is so friggin sweets and knows that I need a vacation BADLY that he is wiling to pick me up from the beach early cause I can't afford to stay the whole week with my friends, but don't have transportation to return. DAMN! I wonder if this sweet man came along just to make my transition a bit calmer somehow. Like an anchor so I don't flip out with stress.
hmmm.... uncanny, if you ask me. universe be strange....
knorl05
(((moonpie))) i think you're right on with a lot of your thoughts and all i have to say is follow your intuition. seriously. i've learned to say fuck it to those who may think i'm too serious, and instead have been able to attract more serious people into my life. so much better than pretending or watering myself down so that others will be more comfortable. i can still have fun dont get me wrong but it's no longer in excess and now it's more centered around good quality people and conversation. growing up rocks as far as i'm concerned.

is true universe be strange, but just ride it. that's super fantastic your beau is so supportive and understanding.. helps tremendously having that around during times when you feel you need it most. it's like a respite from all the other bullshit you are dealing with..
laurenann
wow, trying to catch up on the conversation here.

moonpie: "anyone had such significant life changes happen in a relatively short period of time that it just makes you feel like pancake being flipped in the air by a huge pan over and over again?" um, yes. right now i'm between significant life changes and the waiting and thinking and wondering is making me sick. my boyfriend broke up with me in the beginning of june, and by the end of the week i had signed a lease for an apartment in chicago with a friend from college who currently lives in a different state. i'm moving in two weeks, so the past six weeks i've been crashing at a friends place and trying to keep it together. this weekend i am feeling really anxious and depressed - there's drama regarding the security deposit at my old apartment (we had two other roommates), i feel like i am totally over staying my welcome at my friends place, i am overwhelmed by all of the things that i "should" do and people i "should" see before i leave. i thought i had my "quarter life crisis" the year after college (pretty similar to what you've been talking about), and now i feel like all of those feelings are coming back two years later and being multiplied and added on to by all of this other stuff. but change is good, right?

(((confused and overwhelmed busties)))
snarky7
knorl - i know what you mean about the stupid people in your past.... the problem is they never really go away...those idiots that don't accept you because you are different...instead those people get inside your head forever, nagging away in the back of your mind, making it hard to accept yourself as you.... idiots i say!

moon - would any of us be here if we weren't quite so "contemplative"? this isn't really contemplating silently, here on this board, but it is close to it. we can all think about what's good/bad/other in our brains and even manipulate our thoughts to agree with those stupid people like knorl mentions.....

laurenann - i certainly wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now - too much hard work! but you'll get through it, we all do - we pull thru.

i've been writing a bit more about my grandma who passed away recently...this seemingly basic document about the things i can remember of my grandma has turned into a psycho-babble of rant... it will be interesting to come back to it in a week/a month/a year to figure out how/if i've changed. the document covers all sorts of fun depressing topics, like what my grandma would think of me now (bad me) and the like. even dead they wield their power - isn't that funny?
Moonpieluv
Thanks everyone for relating, adding comments..

So many realizations about my life in like the span of just a few months have me jittery with anxiety, digestive problems, etc. I think if I didn't have my family and my new crush for support, as well as this forum, I would basically fall apart like a dang super-dry cookie.

I have a roommate situation happening at worst possible time in all the logistical stuff that I'm preparing. I just wish the universe would cut me some slack emotionally right now.. fill me with courage and reassurance instead of this fear and anxiety.

I want to expend my energy full-force on preparing my transition... not dealing with these stupid ass people in my face. I think once I get this afternoon "chat" completed with my roommate, I may feel better having gotten some answers to this limbo.

So I can totally relate, laureann. I may be "couch surfing" soon, as well because I can't get a new place when I'm leaving in 3 mths! Sublets are hard to come by.

I feel overwhelmed beyond belief. Luckily, as I said, I do have people supporting me... just deal with what you can accomplish today. Rid some of your anxiety with questions left unanswered by demanding they be answered, etc.

Growing up does rock in terms of knowing myself more... I'm glad to have had these realizations even if they have caused heightened anxiety and the shits. I just didn't want to leave with a bad taste in my mouth.

I don't know... I'm rambling... I'll get back when I'm not so wibbly-wobbly.
laurenann
couch surfing can feel like a fun sleepover at first, but then not having your own place starts to feel bad. even if your friends say to make yourself at home, or if they have a spare bedroom or something, it is still not YOUR home. also, it is embarassing to have anxiety diarrhea in someone else's bathroom.
sassygrrl
((moonpie)) I'm sort of dealing with similar feelings. I mean, I just turned 30, and I'm feeling like I should be doing something different with my life. What that is I'm not sure yet. Al-alon may also help, but I'm scared to get up in front of a bunch of people I don't know, and talk about my screwed up family.

It's just been a really hard summer. I lost my job due to my health, and now I can barely afford my rent. I did have a quarter life crisis at 25-26, and all the same shit is popping back again...
All the same doubts...and What the hell am I going to do with my life? Where do I go from here?


I'm just over-whelmed and anxious. I'm trying not to talk to my family, b/c all they're going to do is yell at me. They don't really understand depression.

My self esteem has honestly hit the fucking fan, and I need it to get back to where it was.

((laurenann))

Snarky, my grandmother has been appearing in my dreams lately.

Got out of the house today. That felt good.

((all busties))
snarky7
sassy...i can say that your family's lack of understanding about your depression just pisses me right off. they should be the first to support you. of course...like i should talk. i guess i didn't share my depressive state with my family for a period of time after i started going to counseling....it was like i was embarrassed. but as i've come to understand my meanderings of thoughts thru my head-sessions, i felt more like i could share, and then found some solace in my mom and bro anyway. i was lucky. i'd smack your family around if i were close! i hope they soon realize their faults and decide to support you while you dig out of the mode you are in... i hope at least your grandmother's appearance (even only in your dreams) gives you a bit of peace of mind.

i'm a bit down while feeling up today. i have the good side today of the neighbor crush that i'm hoping likes me, and a high off of our time together last night... but then i get all angry about the situation of my ex-hub of only about 8 months who is already buying a house (expensive one to boot) with his new older girlfriend. why can he have the luck of finding someone? maybe it is fluff for him, i try to say, but if he's already found his "one" then what did i ever mean to him? makes me angry to think of all those years i wasted...

kiss_the_fiddler
snarky7,
the years you spent with your ex so not have to be wasted years. he gave you snarkyboy as well as nearly endless opportunities to learn. I know it sucks. I haven't read down this thread much so I don't know the conversation here. I'm glad your family is supportive though. I think my foo gets frustrated by my depression. They think meds should help and I should be finished with it. They don't seem to understand that MDD is a long term chronic condition for some people. I hope yours passes in time.
runningwestward
Snarky, I'm sorry to hear about your parents. My mom doesn't believe in depression. She belittles it. My entire life I was told to just put on the happy face and suck it up. It took her years to finally believe me that I was being bullied at school (this was 15 or so years ago now) and even now when I told her that I was diagnosised with depression she said that it doesn't matter and to just get over it.

I've been having a really hard time these last few days. I've had two catatonic episodes which start as just unstoppable crying (one because of the thought of having to make a sandwich and the other over a run in with another cyclist while out on my training ride (which I cut short as it reduced me to tears)). I can't seem to stop crying and the thought of being small and stupid and ugly and disgusting and worthless get louder and louder and then it's like everything goes still and I feel like I'm made of lead. I just lie there. I can't move and I have to work to remember to breath. For the first time during the last episode I started thinking about death and just wanting it all to stop. I'd never kill myself but I just want it to end. Kind of like how sometimes I just want to run away from everything.

I find that I'm retreating from everything around me. I've cut myself off from a lot of people. I haven't talked to my nanas in ages because I just find it exhausting to talk to them. And other then my teammates I don't really talk to people. The only topic I feel like I want to talk about is triathlon as it's my escape. It's the only time I feel like me - when I train or when I'm with the team even when we aren't training. I feel alright. I can't seem to do anything else though. Work, make food, do anything I used to do. I think it's because doing training and racing you push to a point where you focus on just the physical and you leave the mental bullshit behind.

OK this turned out longer then I was planning it just all kind of came tumbling out. I better try to get something done for work. I wish I was still in the testing or prep phase since it's all action and none of this thinking stuff. It's when I get to the data processing and writing phases that it all falls apart and I get distracted and start thinking.

((busties in a bad headspace))
Moonpieluv
Snarky---I've totally felt like that before... that feeling of being replaced so easily. It drove me absolutely bonkers for a long time. But, as I had my huge epiphany and truly realized I made the right decision in leaving my ex and that we will never BE again. That I could do better (and have been so far with my new chocolate love). That I am capable of loving again.
I mean, I can relate to having that urgency to move on and to be able to show that you have moved on dealing with your ex-hub. I know that feeling of "well, why can't I get somebody new?"
Def did the whole "feel like I wasted years" thing, too. I think it's all a very natural process. And it is a process that I thought I'd never get thru.... but you will.

Fiddler--- I think some form of low dose xanax (never tried it) could help with my anxiety. I mean, I get so anxious that I have very real physical reactions just short of an anxiety attack. I do hope mine passes.... It's been a damn rollercoaster in coney island for the past two years. Up down Up down. But not as intense as --runningwestward--..... so I don't know. I wish the best for anyone dealing with the condition. I have an amazing family and I'm grateful.

Running--- Have you spoken to anyone regarding your feelings? Or taken meds before? I'm curious cause I haven't done either myself....
runningwestward
I'm on Effexor. I seem to have episodes of bad on it though. Usually due to a triggering incident like a bad food binge or someone I don't know belittling me or someone doing something "wrong" and I just feel the need to make them understand why it's wrong. That's one of my biggest things. I think it stems from my anziety of being in public settings (I am a basket case at the moments and I have no idea where it all came from). This started with poor self esteem (ok it's never been the greatest but the past year has been particularly bad... like back in middle school bad) and then the general feeling blue started in October and by December I was mentally beating myself up and this led to a bad attitude towards food (although this too has always been an issue for as long as I remember but this time I pretty much stopped eating altogether... very bad for an endurance athlete to say the least!) and insomnia. It wasn't until May that I went to see someone. I thought it was just a hormonal thing but she made me take the tests and diagnosed me with depression. In the reading I did after that I started to see a lot of myself in the descriptions... a lot of hey! I do that... especially for MDD - right down to the wringing of hands or whatnot. It took me another month to actually go back and say that I wanted help. So I've only been on Effexor for 2 months or so. Apparently it takes 3 to see if it's working. And for the most part it is but I do go through these states while I'm on it. In the past I've gone back at they've upped the dose. I'm almost at the maximum so I guess if it doesn't work then it'll be on to something else. I've also started talking more with the doctor (as a counselor... I have a great clinic with an on staff psychologist and psychiatrist and counselor and all the residents will act as counselors too so you can have hour long appointments and be comfortable). But I'm having a really hard time getting my thoughts in order. I jump around a lot and just find it really overwhelming to talk about. It's all so jumbled in my head. Below was the first semi organized thing I've put together. That's why I just left it. I'm supposed to start journaling but I can't really seem to get started. It becomes more of a three liner entry of what I did that day and how I felt about it... pretty basic and not all that helpful for me really. Maybe I transpose what I've written to it. I really do want to get better... if anything to get off the meds again and feel like me.
ChingusKhan
Runningwestward,

Hang in.

You know that feeling when you are a training ride, you're bonking and you're trying to get a wheel? That's what you're feeling now. Everything you describe is very, very normal. Takes your body 6+ weeks to get used to the drugs and another 4 to 6 weeks for them to start working. Often those first 6+ weeks feel worse than the depression! Hang in, though. You're OK. Keep talking to your consoullers, keep seeing your doc.

Tough stuff with your Mom... I feel for you.

knorl05
so i just wanna share my piece on this whole depression issue.. dont wanna derail the convo or anything.. but

i been in therapy for like a year and a half now. i occasionally take meds when i feel i need them (for anxiety). what i've noticed is that it all really comes down to our values and interests. i dont want to be this happy-go-lucky person who denies that there are errors in the system. who is oblivious to the problems in the world.. because when we dont acknowledge or admit that there is something wrong, we dont have reason to improve things.

i would much rather learn, educate myself, than try to become just like everyone else. i dont want to 'get rid' of my depression, i want to be at peace with it.. because it is a part of me, it has shaped my view of the world. it offers depth, perspective, empathy, sympathy.. there are a lot of valuable things depression can bring. i think the key though is to not give into it. to not become the depression, to acknowledge it, recognize it, and then move on.

personally, i want to connect with others who have dealt with/are dealing with adversity... rather than those who try to deny that they have any struggles in their life. most people like to pretend everything is ok, i'd much rather see the truth and figure out a way to make life better within the conditions as they are.

thas all. love to all the (((complex busties)))
sassygrrl
Ugh.

So, I had a really bad week this week. I called my parents who are off vacationing in New Mexico. And she treats me like a freaking employee. Tells me that my bad week was my fault.
Then she didn't have my address. I just sometimes feel like I'm slipping....


knorl05
sassy that is awful that ur mom has no compassion for you during hard times. it must feel like ur feelings are not valid. that's how i used to feel anyway... my mom is the type whose answer is 'everyone's got problems'. sometimes our parents just dont get it. and it's hard when that happens because i think deep down we all still look for comfort and understanding from our parental figures. i hope you begin to feel better. do you have an outlet... art? music? therapy? emotional support? so u dont slip too far...
Moonpieluv
Sassy--- It does suck to be invalidated or disregarded or just to have someone throw their hands up in the air, sigh very loudly, and say "the bad week is your doing".
If I didn't have my mom or my sister, I don't know how I'd fair other than pouring myself into yoga, art, reading, MOVIES ( i like movies... dewd... like Stranger than Fiction, or the Science of Sleep, or Amelie
or Steel Magnolia, Ms. HOT ATL!!!! come on. And even doing that doesn't always work.
But honestly, You and we need our support system from somewhere.. and yes, even though we get older, we still have a need for the unconditional love from our parents or guardians.
It's Friday night... go get cha some SteaknShake or some Mayfield's ice cream and eat it up with your man tonight?
Just know we need you like you need us.
snarky7
Do any of you ever have a day where you just snap? Things have been going so well...work's been busy but good, snarkyboy and i were getting along this week, and of course, new potential boy who does wonderful things like send me flowers. Last night I was out at girls night and it just hit me...physical signs first, totally thought i was going to black out (not on much alcohol either) and breathed thru that, but then wanted to go hide. so i did. home to bed. this morning i could just not care about anything. i should be excited about things, but i'd rather curl up in a little ball...

i need to snap back out again, i have dinner plans tonight and am even having a hard time getting excited about that....

help?
kiss_the_fiddler
snarky, totally. Like today. Totally crashed out. Yesterday was good. My spouse and I went for a great drive. We had a really good time. I got to take an engine to a fun fire out of our district. I met new people. I had a good time. I got some good experience. I was just ducky. And today was good. Had a nice time with my dearest. And then, all of the sudden, crash. For no fucking reason at all. Ugh. I'm upset because I have no friends. Silly me - I hate people. Nothing is right. I hate me. Let me sleep for a long time. Pissy mood. Jones-ing for substances. I give up. So, to answer your question, yes. Sometimes I do snap. Or crash. I hate it. Nothing changes with my meds. I just crash. Ugh.
fiddle
sassygrrl
Well, Ben and Jerry's NY Fudge Superchunk did help and Family Guy marathon did help this weekend. Getting my nails done. Oh yeah, going to Barnes and Noble... For some reason, the blues came back on Sunday. I started crying b/c I don't have a damn job, and for some reason Mcgeek telling me he was there for me made me feel worse. Then he was like, "You could always call your parents." (Um, he doesn't even talk to his!!).

I'm going to try to journal tonight, and see if that works to get some pain out.

I just slept most of the day and cried a lot. Bleh. I just crashed today. Felt like utter shit.

Loved Stranger than Fiction... smile.gif

((fiddle))
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.