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knorl05
love and more love to you princess dander!! know what flick i just finally saw recently that really put me in a great mood? me and you and everyone we know. it was hilarious and totally made me feel good about my quirky nature.

granted depression is more than just a quirk, but i think it's one of those movies that is like spending time with your best girlfriend...
also just saw the prestige. that was phenomenal. phenomenal? that good huh? yes i'd have to say so. ok wait. eight out of ten stars. wink.gif

remember, it'll pass just try hard not to give into it~
princess_dander
OMG, I love that film! I posted about it in the film thread (but, being a very flaky bustie, I didn't see the response).

I had a job interview last week and on the app it asked "who would you have lunch with and why"? I put Miranda July because every project she has done is done so with such compassion. I knew I sounded emotional (I am very emotional right now) but it was the answer I had in my head at the moment. ( I hope I wasn't supposed to say Lindsay Lohan or one of the Bush twins to wow them). *grumbles*

I cried myself to sleep last night with the help of some pot. Being depressed and stoned does not work well for me at all! I sent a long stoned email to the ex-girlfriend saying that I am sorry things didn't work out and that I really missed her and I am sorry for all the fights. It was long and I am now embarrassed.

I think my life changing, along with the weather is part of my depression as well. It got cold here last night and none of my friends were available to hang. I woke one friend up at 9pm crying about how lonly I was. I felt better after I talked to her, but I still feel like waiting this all out is so exhausting!
snow white
((((princess dander))))

i've given up pot b/c of that, i will literally lay on my bed and freak myself out until i cry and wait to come down. not my drug of choice. it's like it makes my already overly sensitive mind frame go nuts playing with all my paranoid thoughts...

i usually watch "lost in translation" and "pride and prejudice" (w/ keira knightly) when i'm really down, i absolutly love those movies. they're so quiet and touching, perfect for fragile days. (hope i make sense, i'm not trying to sound like a fruit) huh.gif

speaking of movies, there's a line in one who flew over the cuckoo's nest" where a frustrated nickolsen yells at the other patients/inmates that they're no crazier than any other joe on the street. maybe it's weird, but i find it comforting.
princess_dander
You make sense Snow White! What helps us sometimes has no explanation as to why it helps us.

My comfort movie is "About a Boy". I remember watching it when my depression was so severe that I could not leave my house. It made me feel better while I was watching it.

I'm more of a music person and what I need to get done this week is getting new speakers so I can listen to music. (For someone who is a self proclaimed music person, I am not up on the trends as how we are now listening to it, ie: ipods and such) But I never feel alone when I sing. (Now that sounded fruity! smile.gif

Pot actually helps me work through stuff sometimes. I see my insecurites and issues better when stoned and that helps me ID them so I can make them a thing of the past, or at least not so noticeable. But last night, no thanks. It was hard.

I thought since I was working through this depression so hard I would make a list of things I need to get done this week that would help me.

1. Join a queer book club or something that allows me to be more social and make more friends.
2. Send out at least one resume a day (I have sent out ten, but have not had much luck).
3. Work out to feel like I am doing something (even though this depression is causing me to lose weight, I don't feel healthy).
4. Stay out of my house as much as possible
snarky7
princess - i read this last night but was too tired to post - i am really glad that knorl came to the rescue! i'm glad that you reached out to a friend and could share some of your feelings - sometimes that's all i need too - just to let it go a little. i hope you are feeling a little better today. and ah...comfort movies...pretty in pink is a fave, and maybe wedding singer...when i'm down, i like the movies that have a happy (tho perhaps unrealistic) ending.

ah, and music, princess! THERE'S SOMETHING TO CHEER YOU UP. Get yourself those speakers and download Mika's Love Today. Talk about some happy stuff!

(((((HUGS)))))
knorl05
princess_dander: that is rough on interviews, trying to walk that fine line of being yourself and also conforming to what they want to get the job. i've tried to figure out what interviews are about. i think it's basically a meet-and-greet with the person who will determine if you want to work for their company. i mean obviously qualifications are important, but i think what they really want is someone who wants to work for them. someone who will not just work the job title, but who will learn about the company and how they can make it better. employer/employee is a relationship like any other. a give and take. i guess the point i'm trying to make is to believe in yourself and your abilities and qualifications in your interviews. the best person for the job is you, and if you believe that, and sell yourself, they will believe it too. focus on your good qualities. remember an interview is just an opportunity to get your foot in the door.. if it doesnt go well at one place, brush it off and start fresh. it's hard and an arduous process and can be very upsetting but it's a necessary thing if you want to go out and make money and get benefits and occupy your time. :=/
those are awsome goals and remember all it takes is taking steps toward them, and staying dedicated to them, to accomplish them.

snow white: i totally understand. especially about the pot! and about the comment in 'one flew over the..' most people dont reflect on their feelings let alone know them or understand them to even begin to try to come from a healthier frame of mind. just gotta do what feels 'right' and continue trying to be a healthier person one day at a time like you said. no one is without fault or issue or problem.. we all have them to varying degrees. what matters is our determination to overcome our hardships.. to learn, grow, and move on.

snarky: pretty in pink! eighties flicks are the best. they were so light hearted.. goonies was fun. sixteen candles. weird science. the breakfast club. something about those movies just puts you in the best mood.
i_am_jan
I guess this is as good a place to put this question as any other (unless someone knows where this was discussed in the Board before and can link me?) Okay. I'm at a point in life where I realize I'm depressed or something, always have been as long as I can remember so I never thought it was that big a deal until everyone I know started being diagnosed with depression/anxiety/bi-polar/OCD/mania/whatever else, going to the doctor and getting themselves put on meds. I have always just sort of tried to work through life as best I can, keep my life simple so I don't have to deal with unnecessary stress, read uplifting books, try to find happiness in hobbies, etc. However, my probs are definitely getting worse, I feel worse. I'm actually starting to consider taking pills. But here's my problem: I know that a lot of my bad feelings come from environment/life. Examples, NO ONE is perfect...NO ONE is perfectly happy (shite, as I said, it seems doctors are writing out prescriptions for EVERYBODY these days). Secondly, most of my probs come from a terrible childhood. A pill just seems like a bandaid to me for a problem that's not just on the surface. Finally, my probs also come from the world being imperfect; much of the time not a fun place to live, what with Americans having to work most of their time and always be rushing, tired, stressed, not making enough money, ads deliberately making you feel bad about yourself and not good enough...so here's my question: why should *I* take pills when a lot of my probs are caused by the world around me? It seems to me that doctors are just numbing people so they'll go along with whatever those with the money require they do, etc. At the same time, I know I may be helped by some pills. I just can't figure this out. I really don't want to give in to the doctors and drug co.'s because I feel they are evil in many instances. Has anyone else had these same feelings and managed to work through them or come to some conclusion?
annelise
i_am_jan, given what you've described and your reluctance to take pills, it seems that starting with therapy might be a way of easing into treatment and figuring out whether you need to pursue rx options. it's good to recognize that your problems are worsening and becoming unmanageable--there are varied ways to get help. many people seem to have chemical imbalances (as well as shitty childhoods, etc.), but you seem unsure of that.

it's never so clear cut as being either chemical or environmental depression--enough environmental influence can cause chemical changes, certainly. most people have both, to whatever degree. but different people benefit from different treatments--some very much need rx treatment, some can work out issues through therapy and improve that way. it's most important to look at all the options for treatment and see what makes sense to you as being potentially helpful. there's always alternative medicine as well...though the options can be daunting, it's good to have options.
themeiu
Hello, long time lurker here who finally got off my ass to register. Yay
i_am_jan,

Your situation struck a cord in me. I also realized that I had suffered on and off with depression for most of my life, but just assumed this was the way life was supposed to be. I started therapy and it went well and I made a lot of progress, but I would still have these week long periods where I just felt very depressed. I really hated to see how much I was hurting not only myself, but also my partner and the people around me. I started thinking about meds., but I was concerned about it. I didn't want to be dependent on anything (I thought I should be able to solve my own problems, I was afraid of the stigma that surrounds meds, and I was afraid it would make me feel things that weren't real or make me artificially happy. I talked for a long time with him (my partner) and my therapist about it and a few things they said really stuck out for me.
First, my partner said something to the effect of "Life is hard enough on it's own. It doesn't have to be this much harder." And my therapist pointed out that a combination of talk therapy and medication has been shown to have the greatest success at helping with depression.

So, I found a psychiatrist and talked with her about my experience. She gave me a rx for wellbutrin.
I've been on it for about a month and I can't believe how much my life has changed. My entire world view has shifted. It didn't make me feel unlike myself at all like I had feared, but has been helping me to realize who I actually am. I still feel sad and angry sometimes, but the intensity with which it used to consume me has drastically decreased. Instead of holding onto anger or sadness, I can sit and observe it and not become attached to the emotion, and then it passes away naturally. I hadn't ever before known what it was like to be truly happy before. I have started many new hobbies (knitting, sewing, dance, going to the gym) and for the first time really feel capable and powerful. I had this experience before in small spurts, but never been able to maintain this kind of attitude. My partner has noticed a difference too, maybe more than I have, and he's really happy for me.

So, I don't want to sound like an advertisement for drugs, but all I know is that they've really helped me overcome the obstacle of depression. And whether or not I continue taking them forever, just knowing that life can be like this, instead of where I was before, is very valuable. And it's true that drugs are not 'natural'. However, the way we live today is not 'natural'. The kinds of emotional and physical stress that we have today are so far from what people experienced before. Just the amount of sensory input we receive each day (sounds, smells, lights, etc.) is extraordinary.

Good luck on whatever you decide, but it might be worth at least talking with a psychiatrist and expressing your concerns. Even if she suggests meds, you don't have to take them.

Just my $0.02 rolleyes.gif
annelise
glad you registered, themeiu. it's really good to hear your story. smile.gif i hope you keep posting...
i_am_jan
annelise and themeiu: Thanks, that's exactly what I was hoping for...just some words to help me sort out my confusion, from others who have been reluctant to take meds too. I do think I should begin with talking with a therapist/counselor to get things laid out on the table as a first step. Themeiu: Our cases sound very similar...I have also been concerned about the "artificial happy" thing that you talked about. I appreciate your evaluation of the Wellbutrin (obviously I realize it's objective) but a friend of mine actually told me the same things about Wellbutrin, how it's really, really been great for her.
knorl05
themeiu: welcome, glad you decided to register and offer your valuable perspective to the conversation. smile.gif

iamjan: you've said my sentiments exactly. i've also noticed what helps me is redirecting my attention. while it is true that our conditions are shitty as of late, there is always something good/positive we can choose to see. if not in the world, at least in ourselves. or we can do whatever inspires us, and create more of it in our lives. i know you said you try to do that, and perhaps your 'problems' have become too complex for redirection and positive thinking... so i'm also the first to advocate for therapy in whatever form we feel is necessary to get us to a place that we feel we can take on the world. i think it's most beneficial for us to combine many forms of therapy to help us feel as whole as possible. to do anything really that leads to our mental and physical well being.
runningwestward
welcome themeiu! thanks for sharing. That's essentially what it has been like for me.

Looking back now on how I was before I started Effexor makes me realize how not "normal" I was. Sitting in the shower for an hour because you can't move is not normal. Constantly clasping and unclasping your hands and rubbing your calf (I never sat normally in a chair it was a semi fetal position). Or panicking about being in a public place or on a bus or in an elevator. Not being able to leave the house in the morning. Being unable to concentrate on anything because all you can think is about how much you suck and are crap at everything. I can't believe I thought that was normal and that it had to be that way. The fact that I can operate now and not let emotions and the world drown me and take over is amazing. I still have issues with my self image, mom, and the news (it still upsets me to read the news most days) but that is starting to come around. I don't think I'll ever be off the medication. I'm not sure that some of my problems can be treated through therapy. The fact that I responded so well to medication confirms to me at least that this was a chemical imbalance and not all in my head. What I feel now isn't a fake happiness. I still feel sadness and I still have days I struggle but they don't overwhelm me. I don't do the hand or calf thing anymore. I don't freak out on the bus and get off miles before the right stop because I just can't take it. I can walk in public without being paranoid that everyone is staring at me because I'm a freak. And best of all I don't hear my own voice in my head tell me that I suck and am crap. I wish I didn't have to be on the meds but if that's what it's going to take to have this stability and to feel like this then I think I can accept it. It's like diabetes - I'm just lacking a different chemical and I need to supplement it. I'm rediscovering myself again. Tonight I'm going to pick up a violin for the first time in 4 years. I want to cook again. I want to just be me instead of that monster that took over. I don't think I've been me for a long long time. There were signs all along and no one including myself every noticed or thought much of it. If how I feel NOW is what people without depression feel like then DAMN! life rocks!
themeiu
Thanks everyone for the warm welcome smile.gif

runningwestward: I'm so glad you shared your story! It's awesome that your life has taken such a positive upswing. It's kinda amazing what we can really accomplish when we don't have to struggle so much.

i_am_jan: Just some other thoughts. I also read your post in the 'social inept dork' thread, which I hadn't seen before. I understand how you feel about the world being really messed up. There really are so many things one can feel bad about if you pay attention. Especially in a society of excess like we have in the US.
But this doesn't mean that you have to suffer over these things too. In reality, there is very little that an individual can do to effect this world as a whole. But one of the most powerful things that one can do is changing one's attitude and world view. In the end, no matter how much we hurt each other, it is nothing compared to the way we hurt ourselves. And it is those who really suffer internally that project these negative things outward in these destructive ways. Understanding that a person who hurts you or others is truly suffering so much to have done so can only bring compassion.
If we see the world as it is and accept it, not reject it, this brings peace.
I realize that this doesn't seem to relate to depression and medication. But I think it was much easier for me to see this world view when I was no longer trapped by my own suffering. Sometimes just sticking you head above the water and seeing the view is enough, even if it's only for a moment.
i_am_jan
Themieu: I hadn't thought of that before in that way at all...so if I take care of myself, then that is really a way of effecting a positive change on the world. That makes me feel a whole lot better about getting some help, even if it needs to be Rx.

This thread has profound information in it, stuff I've never found any other place.
sassygrrl
I am Jan, you're right about this thread.

I've noticed lately that just taking care of myself (at least eating better and sleeping enough) is helping some. Yet, I've been seriously depressed for the last two weeks. A lot of crying jags.
I hide it when I was working, but it was just in a horrible funk. And now amount of multiple viewings of Princess Bride and Mel Brooks movies seemed to help.

I think I may start volunteering again.

I've also realized that doing something productive (even as simple as doing a load of laundry or sending out more resumes or going for a run) seems to help a little.

((all of you))
zoya
i_am_jan - I want to agree with themeiu on the meds thing. I have always battled what I would describe as more of a "grey cloud" that always seemed to be over me, and sometimes the cloud would get darker or sometimes really black for awhile due to circumstances, or just because. I remember at several points throughout the years thinking really hard about exactly the things you bring up - yet also thinking "this can't be normal. I wonder what it would feel like to not have this knot in the pit of my stomach all the time - to not constantly have a foreboding feeling" never full on depression, but more like a chronic 'greyness' about life.

I started going to a therapist, I actually picked her because she is a psychologist, which means she doesn't prescribe, her focus is more talk and behavioural therapy. I'm really glad I did that, because unless someone is obviously strongly in need of meds, she likes to look for alternatives - so I didn't feel like I was just thrown into meds without really exploring everything first. I did lots of work with her, changed my diet, took different supplements, etc. Which did help to some extent, but the grey cloud never fully lifted, and I never really was able to learn to live with it. When I went through a really bad bout of anxiety that threw me into a depression a couple of years ago, I started thinking about meds. My therapist referred me to a psychologist to do an evaluation to see if he agreed with her diagnosis of me, and he did - and prescribed Wellbutrin.

My diagnosis was that I suffer from dysthymia. The definition of dysthymia from Wikipedia:

Dysthymia is a mood disorder that falls on the depression spectrum. It is typically characterized by a lack of enjoyment or pleasure, clinically referred to as anhedonia, that continues for an extended period. Dysthymia differs from major depression in that it is both longer-lasting and less disabling. Dysthymia can prevent a person from functioning effectively, disrupt sleep patterns, and interfere with activities of daily living (ADLs). Many dysthymia sufferers have a more specific subtype called Atypical depression.

(just fyi, Atypical Depression means that you are able to derive enjoyment out of positive events, etc.. but that the dysthymia always returns)

I have to agree with themeiu... the meds have changed my whole world in a great way. The best way I know how to describe it is to imagine you have lived all your life next to really busy freeway. There is always noise from the tons of cars, but you have lived with it your whole life, so you don't really notice it. Until you move away to the country. Then you're like "oh shit - that freeway was so fucking noisy and I just lived with it my whole life" that is how it's been for me. I'm on a really low dose - just enough that I don't have that slightly knotted up feeling in the pit of my stomach all the time. I don't have grey clouds that follow me constantly. and that has opened up so many doors for me. I have taken so many chances that I always wanted to take, but would get trapped in worry or whatever. I can now say that I too, know what it feels like to feel truly happy - and not in a drugged out way.

I still get upset and depressed now and then. I don't know about other meds, but I can say from my experience with Wellbutrin that it does not take that away. But like themeiu said, I am able to look at it and work through it much more effectively. The meds, coupled with continuing therapy have been such an amazing tool. I feel like they have made the work I have done on myself so much more effective because I don't have that weird anxiety and 'grey cloud' in the way. I don't know if I'll be on them forever or not - but they are helping to get the crap out of the way that was disabling me from really getting in there and living life, so maybe after I've had a few years practice and growth, they'll taper me off of them and see how it goes. Who knows. But I'm happy with what they're doing for me now.

I also feel really weird touting the wonders of some drug. I stayed away from meds for years for a lot of the same reasons as you, i_am_jan. But I'm really glad I checked it out.

runningwestward - I feel the same way about the way I've responded to wellbutrin. clearly if I've responded so well, there was something chemical going on - even if it is a 'lower grade' constant depression. I too, had the voices going 'you suck' which definitely I work on in therapy still: learning that I don't suck - but now with the meds, I actually believe it.

and I love your closing "life rocks!" It's so crazy sometimes when I step back and look at my life and I too, feel like that. but it's really cool!
zoya
oh.. since we've been talking a little about wellbutrin, did anyone here experience uber horniness for the first few months they were on it? I know they say it has very low incidence of sexual side effects, but I swear, until things evened out in my system and they fiddled with the dosage a bit, that was the biggest thing I noticed. I just wanted to have sex all the damn time! (I'm actually glad that evened out.. it was kind of crazy)
candycane_girl
Well, I don't want to be in here. I have spent a good deal of time not coming into this thread but now I feel like I'm being dragged back in. I ended my therapy sessions back in April and discontinued my meds in May. I was doing alright, I had a few low points but I was okay. But now...I just don't know.

I keep crying and crying and part of it is because I want so badly not to be depressed again. I don't know if I'm truly depressed or if it's just a bit of a phase. I mean, I've moved to a big city, I only know one other person here so yeah, I'm pretty fucking lonely. I just don't know exactly what the reason for my feeling this way is. I also feel lonely in terms of not having a boyfriend. I know it sounds stupid but I've gone 3 fucking years without a boyfriend and that hurts. I just feel ugly and unwanted, like absolutely no one is interested in me.

Oh, and since I've just moved here I don't have a family doctor or anyone so I really have no idea how to even get ahold of any kind of mental health services.
candycane_girl
argh, fucking double posts!
themeiu
It's nice to hear everyone having these same positive experiences with wellbutrin. It sounds like we all have had a similar experience. I've had several friends that have less than ideal responses to it, but I don't think that's the norm.

zoya, I've heard about the sexual side effects. I think it is actually often used to treat sexual disfunction in women as well. I actually mention to my psychiatrist that I didn't want something that negatively effected my sex drive, like many anti-depressants have been known to do. See, I carry all of my emotional tension down there in my ya-ya (read vagina) muscles. For years I've suffered from painful intercourse and not known why (thought it was yeast, or BV, or UTI, or even endometriosis) until I really started vipassana meditation and getting regular ya-ya massages from my bf (ladies these are awesome, very beautiful intimate experiences). So, after having all these years of sex=pain, I have kind of a emotional aversion to it sometimes.
So for me I think wellbutrin makes me have an average sexual appetite, which it still an awesome improvement smile.gif. Plus, I'm usually randiest during the middle of the afternoon when we're both really busy.... whats that about! (ok maybe thats more of a sex thread topic smile.gif )

On a *ahem* different note, that is really interesting about dysthymia. I wonder if thats what I have as well. The getting enjoyment from things, but then always returning to gray cloud state thing sounds framiliar. It made it much harder for me to really feel "depressed" because it would come in phases an they mostly weren't extreme. And then I would feel better and convince myself I was fine.

candycane,
I hear you on the being in a new city thing. I just moved away, and all of my friends and family are 3 hours away. It's just long enough to make visits a big deal. I really miss having good girlfriends. And I have no idea where to me good people ya know? I'm starting classes on monday (quarter system) so, maybe something will happen there, but I dunno.
It seems to be so much harder to make friends as an adult. People are really busy, and good friendships take investments of time.
Sending good vibes your way.
candycane_girl
thanks, themieu. I'm now 4 hours away from home so it's just a bit of a bitch to go home plus I can't afford the time or the money to be going home to see my friends all the time. So far I've met one person who seems like she could actually be a good friend. We've actually talked a lot outside of class and found that we've had some eerily similar life experiences.

As for the gray cloud, I feel that as well. I always felt like I wasn't depressed enough, as if I didn't deserve to take up the time of a psychologist. But you know what, when it just doesn't go away then there is a problem.

Anyway, I went to a health clinic today (for something relating to my period) and ended up completely breaking down in the doctor's office. She was really nice though and gave me a few numbers to call so now I have an appointment but it's not for another week and a half. Sometimes I don't feel like I can wait that long.
themeiu
Hey, I have a quick question.
As I've mentioned before in another post, I am taking wellbutrin. Every time I look at the bottle, I notice the big sticker on the side that says: Do Not Drink Alcohol. Now, I've never been a heavy drink, really can't handle my alcohol and it makes me feel really icky if I have too much. But I love beer and wine, esp. with good food. A few nights a week i have a beer or a glass of wine with dinner. Occasionally, at special events, I will have a few glasses of wine (I was at a rockin' wedding this weekend).
Ok, maybe not so quick, but my question is:
How concerned about this should I be? It doesn't seem to affect me very much the times that I do drink, but the label doesn't seem to leave any wiggle room. It doesn't say, Drink In Moderation, it says Do Not Drink.
Any thoughts?
candycane_girl
I think it depends. I heard there was a drug (maybe Effexor?) that really truly means it when it says "do not drink". However, while I took Celexa I still drank occasionally and never had any trouble with it.
zoya
themeiu - I was told by my doc (and I've researched online as well which backs him up) that wellbutrin has been known to cause seizures, and drinking alcohol can raise that risk. Seizures are not hugely common by any means, and the risk of having one goes up with the dosage - from what I read, if you're over 300 mg / day, you should definitely not be drinking very often. My doc said that a beer or glass of wine once a week is ok.

I have to admit that I am a very bad girl when it comes to drinking. I'm on a very low dosage (only 150 mg / day, but it works for me) so I know that the risk is less, but still. I don't drink every night or anything, but when I do, I tie one on. So I'm trying to be more aware of that..

anyway, that's what I know about drinking and wellbutrin.
zoya
candycane - I just thought of something... would your old therapist do phone sessions? my therapist would do that with me sometimes since I have to go away for work sometimes... just a thought since whoever you saw before knows your history and could be quicker at helping you through this time...
candycane_girl
zoya, that's a good idea but I'm just not sure how it would work. When I was at home and I saw her it was $100 per session and, well, I'm pretty much financially dependent on my parents. And, well basically I just don't want them to know that I'm feeling depressed again. I really do love being here in Toronto, my hometown had nothing for me but, it has been difficult going through this transition and feeling completely alone.

I'm just wondering, I had been on Celexa with a dosage of 20mg which later got cut to 10mg. And on here I keep seeing dosages that are in the triple digits. Was I just on an insanely low amount or do the dosages vary a lot with each drug?
snarky7
busy thread here, busties. i'm glad everyone is talking it out.

my thoughts: meds are good, they help to get the "level" that a couple of you mentioned - taking away the super highs and super lows and keeping you more in the "middle" area. i can speak to this. i was a Zoloft kid for a bit when my depression was first diagnosed. i took it, very reluctantly, but in a couple weeks time, definitely saw the benefit to it. i didn't take it for a super long time, but kept doing my counseling (still do) regularly. my life is 360-degrees different than it was in my zoloft days so i don't think i need it any more, but do still think about it. meds can be addictive and expensive (same as counseling i think, in some ways), but do have positive effects. hopefully you start on a med that works for you and get to see that counselor soon - i definitely think mine is worth her weight in GOLD!

((((HUGS))))
zoya
candycane - the dosages depend on the med. celexa is anywhere from 10 mg to 60 mg. Zoloft can be anwhere from about 50 mg to 250mg, wellbutrin is anywhere from 150mg to 300mg per day. It just depends on how drugs are formulated / how much it takes for them to do what they need to do. So you shouldn't feel like you're taking 'more' or 'less' than other drugs or other people, it's how the med you're on works, in combination with what your doctor's diagnosis for you is.

Here's the link that I got the general info on dosages from -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_antidepressants
runningwestward
I'm having a "bad" day. Mental bad day. I can't bring myself to leave the house. And although I can work from home I have no focus and having done anything today. I'm just dwelling in the past and can't shake that I hate myself for my past feeling and that sad feeling of friends I've lost along the way and just feeling down. I don't know how to shake it. I try to work to distract me but then I have to look something up and I get side tracked and just abandon what I was doing.

Rainy season has started and that's not helping.
lananans
runningwestward -- I was like that yesterday, I watched 8 episodes of Weeds, did none of my applications, and ate a lot of not Weight Watchers Friendly food. It happens to everyone, just try to get some rest and hope tomorrow's a better day!

and to reply to zoya and candycane... I am also on celexa, I take a 20MG dosage. I tried to cut down to 10MG but it didn't work. I was definitely not feeling well. My Uncle who I am really close to is always telling me that I should go and get a second opinion on my depression. I was diagnosed in second year when I had something akin to a breakdown. I had gone through a really bad breakup, increasing courseload, and was living with four girls from hell. I went to see my family doctor at the Christmas break and he just prescribed me celexa after I told him how I felt. My mom is on it as well, and he is her doctor. I assumed this was normal, but are there any other forms of diagnosis that I could have had? Now I'm just afraid that after being on it for almost 2 years, and trying unsuccessfully to cut down twice, I'm stuck on it forever.
catwomyn
This thread is valuable. I feel better just reading it. There's so much here I can relate to, mixed with good advice.

Runningwestward, we are having similar days today. I haven't left the house yet and am bothered by signs that the Canadian winter is starting, for some reason autumn is a hard time for me. I have shit to do and can't focus enough to get much of anythign done. I'm even grieving my old firends that I've basiclaly abandoned over the years (due mostly to low self esteem) - maybe that's simliar to how you're feeling.

The only tip I have is pretty minor, but could help with the distraction. Sometimes on days like this when I have to get work done (I have a home office like you) I have to physically unplug the modem. If I'm workign (in my case writing, is that what you do too?) and get to a point where I have to look something up, I don't stop writing - I just mark that spot to come back to later. Then, after a few hours or whatever, I go online again. I can look up all my stuff at once and then reward myself with Busting or surfing other stuff. but if the ocmputer were plugged into the internet while I was trying to work, and only a mouseclick away from my Word document, it would be just too easy to go there as avoidance the next time writers block or dark thoughts arise - which, on days like these, is pretty often.

Anyways, hugs to you and to all busties under the grey cloud.
(((( busties under the grey cloud )))))
zoya
lananans - I'm a big believer in having some kind of talk therapy with a therapist in addition to being on anti-depressants. I don't know if you are doing that, but your post doesn't sound like it (and I apologise if you are, it's just how it reads) In my personal experience with anti depressants, the meds are only half the equation to help lift the depressed feeling. As many people have said below, the other half of the equation is using that better feeling to help make therapy more effective, because you're not so bogged down in the depressed feelings that you're just trying to keep your head above water. Instead you're actually able to move forward and progress to a state where you can effectively address issues and - depending on the severity of your depression - learn (and implement) strategies to recognize and deal with those feelings as they come up so that you may possibly be able to go off of the meds at some point. (again, depending on the nature and severity of your depression. I don't really have a problem with staying on them, if that helps my life function at a higher level)

I've been feeling the same way... I had a really busy social calendar for the last couple of weeks, but now that's died down (partially by my own doing, I too, work from home and really need to get some work done) and the 'funk' is starting to set in. I'm sure some of it is just coming down off of being so busy and social, but I'm having a really hard time dragging my ass out to do things to counteract that. I desperately need to take care of my body better, and I just can't seem to bring myself to start running again, or get to the gym, etc. - it's a catch 22, because I know that those things would help me feel better mentally as well, but it's so hard sometimes to just get my ass out of bed and get going.

sassygrrl
I've having a bad mental day. This week and last weekend were really busy (socially and professional --at least with going to doctor's appointments and interviews). I just don't have a lot of focus to look for jobs, and all I've been doing is watching the "top Chef" marathon. I don't feel like getting out of the house.

lananans-- I had a bit of a breakdown a few years ago. I had just gone thru a horrid breakup with the man who I was engaged to, and I was living in a crack house basically with no job. I ended up trying to OD, and spent a week in hospital. I realize now is was akin to an mid-life crisis almost. Thank goodness those days are over, but I still think about them from time to time. It was a bad chapter in my life.

I agree with catwomym about distraction. But, some days (like today) it's hard to get my ass off the futon. I also hate it when my boyfriend just thinks that getting out of a bad mood is easy. Because right now, he's in a horrible mood himself.

I may take up running again, and start hiking. The weather is getting to be fall, and it would be great to get into the mountains. Yet, it just is a pain to get going... (like what zoya said)


((busties))
lananans
zoya - I was seeing a therapist at first, but am not anymore, you were right. Perhaps going back would help me, but for now I'm happy to just stay on the meds, because if I take them regularly I feel fine, and function normally, other than a bad day here and there which is normal for everyone. I also agree with you and with sassygrrl... getting out to the gym or just to exercise is definitely the hardest part. I have had a really busy day today but I'm going to try to force myself to go after my night class. I know I'll feel better after, so I don't quite understand why I'm so reluctant to go... it's very strange, but everyone does it so I suppose its normal.
runningwestward
I've been slacking on the therapist front too. I'm going next week. And pretty much only because my meds are running out. That and Triboy's been harping on me to go. I've been doing well these last few weeks. Maybe it's just that no longer drowning feeling. I'm still not on dry land but someone threw me a pool noodle and I've got my head above water. I'm afraid that they are going to make me get off the drugs. And I know that I can't do that. I still have days where I'm low and that I have to fight to get out the door. But I am actually getting out the door now. And I've stopped a lot of other things I used to do. There are a few things creeping back up on me that I know I can't ignore for too long.

Lananans - I read your name and think of L'anana from Telefrancais and get the theme song in my head.
lananans
Haha I have heard of L'anana. I think that's where my friend got the nickname actually.
zoya
I just figured I'd post in here because I'm feeling really down... I guess I'm living proof that even when you're on meds you get depressed.... I'm just really in a bad place right now. Everything was going so well in my world, and then all of a sudden I've hit a rough patch, where everything that seemed to be looking up for me has gone to shit all at the same time - and it's sent me into a spiral. I haven't left the house in 3 days, I can't get out of bed, I'm not eating (which is really unusual since I've been on meds, I don't usually get the knot in my stomach thing anymore) it's awful.

I feel like part of this depression is that I am being presented with some stuff in my world that I need to work through and I'm running up against a brick wall with it - and the brick wall is me. I have a really hard time with confrontation, basically just being assertive and setting boundaries with people and some stuff has come up where I need to do that, but I haven't. I keep sweeping it aside, and I'm getting more and more stressed and more and more depressed. I feel like if I just walked through it and spoke up to these people (basically called them on their shit) I'd feel a lot better. But I just seem to not be able to do it. I've even had a couple of opportunities presented to me, on a platter practically, where I could have spoken up. But I wussed out. It's a huge issue that I need to work through, and I really think that is part of what's causing me to be so depressed.

It seems so easy - I have (at least part of) the answer right there. But at the same time, I'm so fucking scared to walk through it. It's crazy, because it seems like in my life, or at least since I've been talking to a therapist, issues come to a head like this - and then when I deal with it, great strides happen. I know this, and I've gotten so good over the last year or so at just walking into things head on as they come up and dealing with them. But right now, my life feels like the sink full of dirty dishes that you let pile up for a month.. if you washed them, it would feel so good at the end, and things would be a lot easier after - but actually starting to do it can be so hard. That's where I'm at.

ugh. I think I just needed to vent. This can be so difficult sometimes.



Muffy
zoya,have you tried writing a letter to confront people. I know, a letter isn't exactly the same, but I'm not very confrontational and I did once send someone a letter when I had a bone to pick with them, it worked out rather well actually.


My life is a mess. I quit one of my two jobs. They were a pain in my ass. The other part time job is okay, the people are nice enough and I just got a 'promotion' to stockroom person which is basically a title, no raise, but I do get to work on the days we have shipment. I'm not sure whether I should laugh or cry over this. I had an interview this week, for a job in my field, graphic design, that I didn't give two shits about. It doesn't seem like the worst job in the world, but I also do not feel overjoyed at the prospect of working in yet another boring company art department. I don't even care if I work in graphic design ever again. I'm completely apathetic about it. I know I need another job, because as my friends tell me, I am too smart and talented to be wasting it all in retail. I'd like to go to grad school and I have this minimum wage paycheck that won't exactly cover tuition. I feel stuck. and have no idea what to do.

I'm dating this woman, who is making me fucking insane! I have told her how I feel about her and how I want to spend time with her, but she never seems to actually have time for me. When she doesn't need time to herself, she's working. I know working two jobs is quite time consuming, but I was doing it until last week and I still managed to make time for her and the people in my life that are important. Not to mention, she just came back from a week and 1/2 vacation and is 'so busy' that she again can't spend time with me this weekend???? Its friday night and I'm sitting here alone... I really want to be understanding, but I've had a craptastic past two weeks and have had only one friend (who isn't the girl I'm dating) who really seemed to be there for me. OH and said friend is moving out of state... true it'll only be an hour and half away, but I know I'll miss hanging out with her whenever at the drop of a hat... that's not going to happen so much come November when she moves... and I want to be happy for this friend.
lananans
I'm feeling awful tonight. It is probably because I was drinking last night, but it's just very unexpected because I wasn't hungover today at all. It's Homecoming weekend here, which means that there are drunk people everywhere and one of the streets right outside my house is closed off for a huge street party, accompanied by a line of cops because two years ago a car was set on fire at said street party. However, I don't feel like participating in any of the festivities. My boyfriend's house had a barbecue, so I went there, but I find their friends to be so grating on my nerves. I don't know why, they're nice people.... and I wanted to leave but my boyfriend didn't want to go to the street party yet, and we sort of snapped at each other... and then he went to the house of the annoying friends (as they live right next door to me) and I sat on the porch thinking he would sit with me, but he didn't. So that upset me. Now I'm lying in bed, listening to the raucous crowd outside my window. Sigh. I hate feeling like this, and I feel like I have absolutely no control over it either. I just get like this sometimes and I realize I'm being bitchy and unreasonable and said but I can't control it at all. I can't make it go away. It's really hard.
candycane_girl
Well, I was doing okay and suddenly it's like...every bad feeling I could possibly have just hit me, like wham!

I guess it's my fault, I took one anti-depressant on Tuesday or Wednesday, I can't even remember and then I hadn't taken one since. And I just realized that I'm pretty sure I have a counseling appointment tomorrow that I had almost completely forgotten about. I just feel so down. There's a certain guy in my life, he lives really far away from me and I'll email him and he just doesn't respond. I mean, he will a lot of the time but then other times it's like he just completely ignores me. And I don't know why but I just crave attention from him. I hate it.

To be honest, I just crave attention in general but I especially want his. I've sent him two emails since Friday and they've both gone unanswered. I kind of feel like since I'm far away and he can't just fuck me whenever he wants that I don't matter.

In addition to that I'm just feeling really down overall. I hate this. I was doing alright. I slept in today, haven't showered, the weather outside has been so overcast and bleak all day. I just want to feel happy again!
candycane_girl
Did I kill the thread?

I'm still feeling quite depressed but I've been taking my meds regularly. Mostly I'm just feeling completely ignored by some men in my life and it really hurts. It sucks that it gets to me so much but I would be just as upset if I was being ignored by a close friend or something. Ugh, I hate feeling this way!
runningwestward
((candycanegirl))

The added stress of the behaviour of BOYS is so frustrated and not good for the mental space eh? They can only be called men when they actually act like grown ups IMO tongue.gif Don't be so rough on yourself for how much value you put on his attention. That attention is something that even the bestest friend in the world can't fill and vice versa.

I've been doing ok. Neither great nor terrible. Just that middle ground of ok. I finally went back to the doctor last week. We didn't talk about much. I didn't have much to say. Or rather I don't know how to word how I feel. The general conclusion is that I need to journal more and start looking at how I handle the down times and start developing methods to get out of them. Important now that the monsoon season has started out here. A month of monsoon like rain followed by 4 months of drizzle. I really need to work on finding ways to improve my mood during this time. I have my sun lamp to help with the SAD but it can't fix all my problems. Add to it I am really worried about a virtual friend of mine. She's going through a really hard time. And I wish I didn't feel so helpless. All I can do is offer my sympathies but I really want to do more then that. I am worried about her and her family. It's hard since they are far away and I just can't do anything but watch. It's like the news. I have to ration myself on news. Bad news days mean bad days for me. I worry. I feel sad about the way that the world is going.

I'm also at a slow spot at work. Where I have nothing to do. Nothing. This job is over in a few weeks but still. I feel like I should be doing something. But I have nothing. This leaves me alone with my thoughts for long periods at a time and I shouldn't be doing that. I dwell. And I worry and it makes me worse. But I can't stop.
candycane_girl
I just cut myself. I can't handle feeling this way anymore.
runningwestward
CCG please. please put it down. take a deep breath. do you really want to be do this? please. please. stop. is there someone you can call? is there somewhere you can go that you won't do that? you can call me and talk if you need to. just send me a PM and I'll give you my number. But please. don't hurt yourself.
candycane_girl
I'm doing alright. Sorry if I scared anyone else.

Thanks for the talk, runningwestward.
annelise
hang in there, candycane girl. hugs to depressed busties.
candycane_girl
Thanks, annelise.

I know that cutting is bad but it really makes me feel better. And I hate that it makes me feel so much better! There's got to be some other way to deal with this. I also hate that I have yet to feel much of an effect from the anti-depressants.
themeiu
((CCG)) I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Sometimes it seems like things will always be this way, but in truth everything changes. Everything arises then passes away.
I had a friend who was in therapy for cutting. The advice she was given was whenever the feelings arose, instead of cutting, to take out a journal and write down everything she was feeling or thinking, esp. about what may have triggered the emotion. Instead of having the cutting provide the release, the emotions can be released in another way. Also, just sitting with these emotions, and not attaching/identifying with them can help. I have done this with my own depression. It's similar to a meditation; just observing, but doing nothing, not even reacting to the feelings with thoughts if possible. I would even talk to my 'depression' and say things like 'thank you for letting me know how you feel. I know you think you are doing the best thing for me right now. But I think that I need something else and I can't accept what you're telling me.' Maybe a little strange, but it really helped. If you just get mad at that part of yourself, it just perpetuates the cycle, but if you allow it to be there, but not give it any attention, it passes away.
You may have heard this stuff before, and I don't mean to sound preachy or anything. Just some thoughts.
Good luck and please let us all know how you're doing.
runningwestward
Themeiu - I really like that idea. I'm terrible at remembering to journal. Maybe it's that I don't like talking about myself. I think I need to talk to my depression. It kinda gets two birds at one stone: not letting the depression define who I am and getting me to write about it. Thanks!

CCG - I'll be there if you need me. And that goes anyone else too. I'd rather know about it and be someone you can tell then for you to do something like that. I'm a worrier.

(((all depressed busties)))
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