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candycane_girl
konphusion, I wish I knew what to tell you. Are you sure there's no late registration kind of thing you could do for school?

I feel really incredibly alone right now and like I'll never find a significant other. Everyone says I start to act too desperate but how the hell would they act if they had just spent the last 3 years completely alone?! Fuck! I hate all these people who are either in steady relationships or have maybe one month max between relationships telling me that it's not that bad to be alone!
konphusion26
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Jan 12 2008, 12:49 AM) *
konphusion, I wish I knew what to tell you. Are you sure there's no late registration kind of thing you could do for school?

I feel really incredibly alone right now and like I'll never find a significant other. Everyone says I start to act too desperate but how the hell would they act if they had just spent the last 3 years completely alone?! Fuck! I hate all these people who are either in steady relationships or have maybe one month max between relationships telling me that it's not that bad to be alone!

Well, the process of applying for financial aid takes longer than is left for late registration lol. So, I kinda missed the train on this one. Its all good.. Im just depressed. Trying to get out of it though.
knorl05
ladies. it does suck both feeling alone and being physically alone. isolation is an island i've traveled to many times. i guess we have to figure out.... how can we connect more deeply with others within our depressed state? because i know for myself, when i'm feeling depressed, i have no desire to talk to others.. no desire to see people.. no desire to do much of anything short of breathing, sleeping, and eating (if that even). i dont know, i'm past the point of trying to "fix"myself. i dont really place unrealistic expectations on myself or others anymore. i am who i am, and people are who they are. if they are ready willing and able to go deep, then i'm down. but if they're just another person who likes to run around pretending they are perfect, well then i dont think it's so bad to separate myself from them anyway. you know?
candycane_girl
knorl, I think it's good to separate yourself from people who think that they are perfect but there must be some other people to hang out with. On the other hand, sometimes when I'm really down I just try to "fake it till you make it" and pretend that I'm happy until I actually start to feel better. It's kind of like tricking your mind or something.
knorl05
o candycane girl: is very true. fake it till you make it and all the rest. i suppose i didnt clarify though... i have friends, and i love them. they are understanding of my complex personality quirks, because they possess them as well. i think what i mean about being anti-social and whatnot (the only reference i have is with the detroit scenes in which i frequent) is that i dont feel like putting forth the effort with new people, or acquaintances of whom i've not connected with by now. i dont like "meaningless", surface conversation for the sake of conversation. i love sharing ideas, i love exploring the dark subtleties of the human psyche, i love to connect with real people. i enjoy being depressed sometimes, especially that i have an excuse to take time away from the (un)real world and recoup. so many people seem to think that maintaining perfection or happiness or normalcy is the ideal.. and i just dont agree. and i realize i'm a minority, and i further realize that most people dont like to think about or admit to their heavier states.... AND SO. it's kind of a mutual thing. i'm not really embraced by society, but that's ok because i dont really prefer their value system anyway. which you know, i'm sure many busties can relate to, simply because most of the women on this site seem to be individuals of themselves, which in itself can be a very isolating thing.

i guess sometimes i just take it to the extreme and allow myself to feel too comfortable with my depressive tendencies, given that they have the potential to be more self-defeating than anything else.
konphusion26
Im in a mood today where nothing seems to satisfy me or make me happy. Im just down. I dont feel like going anywhere, dont feel like doing anything, but yet Im tired of just doing nothing everyday. LOL does this make sense? Or am i completely psychotic? I don't feel like i have a full life, there's nothing positive or negative going on in it. I guess thats a good thing. I'm very thankful there's nothing NEGATIVE going on... but i'm just on a neutral plain. We have a simple life (my hubby and I) and I guess thats fine. HOWEVER, when you're stuck at home alone for 8 hrs a day with nothing to do and not feeling like doing anything it puts a strain on you emotionally. When the hub is here, he's usually distracted with his gadgets or what not... so its pretty much like being here alone still. Oh well, I think I need help yall seriously. Since losing my job, I've wasted the last 3 months of my life being depressed and unmotivated! dammit! I want to get out of my slump. I have no idea how though. I have lost the desire to do all the things I once enjoyed. I'm just blah!!
candycane_girl
knorl, I think I understand what you mean now.

konphusion, are there any jobs available in your field? Or would you even be willing to settle for something part time? Even if there isn't any work it would be good just to get out and volunteer, anything to get you out of the house. Honestly, it helps so much to get out and be around other people.
konphusion26
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Jan 17 2008, 12:48 AM) *
knorl, I think I understand what you mean now.

konphusion, are there any jobs available in your field? Or would you even be willing to settle for something part time? Even if there isn't any work it would be good just to get out and volunteer, anything to get you out of the house. Honestly, it helps so much to get out and be around other people.

There are plenty of low paying customer service jobs around here yes ma'am! LOL I guess taking a low paying one is better than nothing at all right? I dunno, Im not too fond of working directly with the public anymore. I used to love helping people. Now, I like being secluded. Maybe taking something for lower pay just to get out of the house would help me get out of my slump. The volunteering is a good idea candycane girl! Never thought of that- I'll have to find some programs and learn the bus route (as I have no transportation). Good deal. You're wonderful! smile.gif
ambersienna maria
just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
one of those things where you feel like
you had really unsettling dreams but can't really remember them?
Not to mention it's so dark and dreary outside
and i just feel like crap.
boooo
i don't want to go to wk.
or maybe...in some weird way..
being around my awesome
coworkers will make me feel better.
i can see it going either way....
ah, life.
sassygrrl
I definately know the fake it till you make it. That's me at work most days. Kon, volunteering helped me. Even it is in one day a week. Right now I'm in a shitty customer service job, but at least it gets me around people. I know what you mean about wanting to be secluded though.

Fucking bad week. My cat is missing, and it's totally breaking me up. I haven't wanted to leave the house, and can barely eat. All I've done is cry. So far, 2008 sucks. I just need something wonderful to look forward to. I'm having a hard time figuring out what that should be.

(((everybody)))
knorl05
kittty!!!! :`-( i'm sorry sassy! i feel your pain love. dont know what i'd do if that happened to me. hope to goodness you find her/him.
sassygrrl
Just very sad over this whole cat crisis. I'm working tomorrow, and I guess it's a good thing. I need to be around people besides my boyfriend. I sis manage to work out today, and felt a little better.

((everybody)))
candycane_girl
Oh sassy, I wish there was something I could do to help.


I haven't felt extremely depressed but I sure have been acting like it. I went to about 3 out of my 8 classes last week and I missed class again today. This is ridiculous. I like my classes and yet I keep skipping them. If I keep this up I'll fail but sometimes I just can't sleep at night! Ugh, I don't know what to do.
sassygrrl
((ccg))

I'm really glad I've had the week off. Mcgeek took me to the store yesterday to get me the hell out the house. With Miles missing and getting a bad cold, all I've been doing is crying. Also, keep having nightmares.

((everybody))
olivarria
(((sassygrrl))) I hope you find Miles soon....hang in there.

I don't usually post here, but I am quickly spiralling into a depression right now and I'm trying very hard to fight it. i feel I am dealing with it alone, because although I have one person to talk to (my mom) I can't tell her because i don't want her to worry, and i definitely have trouble asking for help. I already take medicine for depression which has been increased, so hopefully this will help. I have crying spells over the silliest things, and i can't seem to stop crying. I sleep very late in the day, and sleep through my alarm. I don't know why I'm requiring so much sleep but it's interfering with school which is why i have to get it under control fast. My confidence is at an all-time low....i feel unattractive and unlikable. I am very shy and have trouble making new friends. it's hard to get moving but i'm somehow forcing myself. I'm thinking of getting a counselor but i feel like it would be admitting defeat. I don't particularly want counseling because i don't have time anyway, but i have no one to really talk to.....i internalize everything. Ironically, my last therapist said that what i most need to work on is asking for help, and to not deny that i have depression, because that just makes it worse. he said my reaction to depression makes the depression worse. I feel like I'm not a strong person if i can't depend on myself to get better, and if i have to ask someone else to help me. I feel more and more isolated and disconnected from my family each time i visit them, which makes me really sad. i feel more comfortable posting on a board than telling someone i know becaue i hate burdening with my problems, and i just really needed to get his out. thanx.

(((BUSTees)))
candycane_girl
olivarria, everything you just described is exactly what i went through a few years ago. I really hope that you do talk to someone, medication can only do so much. Just try to make the time, it makes such a huge difference.
FabulousFran
It's great to have a place to let things out. I have a "the glass is half empty" look on life although I have absolutely no reason to, but it's part of being an emotional human being.
knorl05
QUOTE(FabulousFran @ Jan 25 2008, 07:50 PM) *
It's great to have a place to let things out. I have a "the glass is half empty" look on life although I have absolutely no reason to, but it's part of being an emotional human being.


love it! i wish more people would see that many of our states of being are simply due to our human nature, and would put more timeattentionenergy into embracing it rather than attempting to hide or deny it. beautiful.
sassygrrl
Yes, I agree with having a place just to let things out.

Fuck, I'm having the worst month. My cat is gone, my boyfriend's car up and died, and now my job hours just got cut back. It feels like I want to just scream at people, but that wouldn't be socially acceptable. Oh, not to mention that I had two seizures this past week. I'm hoping that Feb will be better. It's got to.
Looking forward (does that sound weird?) to therapy on Tuesday.


Olivarria, how's it going?

(((everyone))
olivarria
Sassygrrl, I am doing much better, thanks for asking. I think what happened is that i let my dosage get too low. I started to feel "numb" all the time so i figured i was taking too much Lexapro, and i lowered it, but then i started to feel teary and depressed, and i started taking my prescribed dosage again, and i feel much better. A few days ago I got an invite to join the Intl. Honors Society, which really increased my confidence, also i am losing weight so i'm starting to feel a little more attractive (at least less unattractive.) I am very shy and it's hard for me to make friends, which would explain the loneliness. I visited my mom this weekend which helped a lot. I also realized that I have been stuck in a rut - I never really have fun or do anything spontaneous. I just go to school and do things on my to-do list and my whole life is basically a schedule. i feel like i need to have more fun. I really want to do something that is "not me" or really out of character for me - i feel so boring! I don't drink or go to parties or bars - i just read and study and cross off my to-do list. I tried to remember the last time i had "so much fun " and i couldn't remember. I feel like doing something out of the ordinary or something frivolous and spontaneous will make me feel more alive. I'm trying to work on that.

Looking foward to therapy is not weird at all Sassygrrl. For me it felt like a chore at first, then i realized it was the only place i could be myself. It felt very indulgent for me - i could talk only about me for a whole hour, while someone is listening attentively to me. it was nice. I am reading a book called "Inside Therapy" and I'm thinking of maybe doing that for a career one day.
sassygrrl
Olivarria, glad things are better.

Well, my month perked up a bit. The cat came back, and we did buy a new car. I'm just in a funk. I think it may be hormones, but all I can do is cry lately. My job is probably partly to blame. Also fighting with the boy a lot as well.



(((everyone)))
candycane_girl
olivarria, I liked therapy for the same reasons! I mean, there I was talking about myself to someone who could only hear my side of the story and was completely unbiased.

I've been doing okay lately, still not going to allll of my classes but I've gotten better. Unfortunately it seems like a lot of my friends are really depressed lately, I think a lot of it just has to do with winter but I hate it when my friends are down. I feel like I can't do anything to help.
glassk
ahaha me too on the therapy bit
sassygrrl
I've figured out as much as I hate it, working out helps a bit. I'm going to therapy tonight which is good. I think I may be sad that my bday is coming up in a few days, and that just depresses me....

I'm glad people are doing well!

olivarria
I am not exactly sure where to post this........I have posted about this before in the "dysfunctional family" thread, but here might be more appropriate because my depression is flaring up over it. The deal is, I'm renting a room from my aunt and uncle while going to school in Austin. I used to be very close with my uncle, but since i moved here I've seen a totally different side of him. He makes lots of comments about how fat my body is and is always telling me how i could be skinnier, pointing out skinny girls to me on the TV, and saying "don't you want to look like her?" he even cals his wife fat to her face. What makes this difficult I have lots of body issues. and I've gained some weight since in moved here. My uncle is also a bit of a food pusher, he makes lots of your favorite fattening food and makes you feel guilty if you don't eat it, which doesn't help. (He's an obese diabetic who's had a double byass, by the way, and he constantly eats sugar and cookies.) I'm trying really hard to lose the weight, but i've totally lost my self-esteem. I don't date anymore or try to make friends. I wouldn't say i have an eating disorder currently altough i have tried to starve myself (without success) and used epicac to purge (over 4 years ago).

Last night he asked if i'd ever thrown up to lose weight, and i lied and said no, hoping he would shut up, but then he said, "Why not? You could just brush your teeth after." Today he told me i was fat and to get over it, and alos gave me another "helpful hint" for how to be skinnier. When i told him it hurt my feelings, he sarcastically went "Awww" and said it's his house so he can say what he wants if i don't like it it go to my room etc. I can't watch TV with him anymore because he points out all the skinny women to me, or specifically points out that they are too fat or chubby, which is even worse because they are skinny and then i feel even more like shit. I think he's totally obsessed with criticizing women's bodies and this is making things very hard for me. i feel really desperate, and he makes me feel like i'm totally unlovable and flawed because i'm not a size 2. And seriously, I'm sort of chubby now, but i wouldn't say fat or obese - I don't know what his deal is. We used to be so close, he was like a father to me. Once when i told him to stop commenting everytime i put something in my mouth, and he threatened to kick me out. I can't afford any other place to live because I am in school full-time and they're giving me a really good deal on the room. i'm moving in May (yay!). I'm considering therapy but it isn't really for any problem of mine - my depression is under control (mostly) and i'm not binging, purging, etc. Why should i go to therapy when it's his problem? He seriously has no clue why this hurts my feelings - he thinks i'm too sensitive and says he's just being honest and trying to help. i feel like he's projecting stuff onto me because he has so many food issues. Does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this or explain this in a way he will understand? If i can't make him stop doing this i will have to stop speaking to him completely, whcih will be awkward but necessary. Also i really needed to vent somewhere.

Peace out (((BUSTees)))
Muffy
olivarria, I don't think it would hurt to talk to a school counselor or something just so you know there is someone on your side because it sounds like you could use someone on your side. Maybe they could give you some tips on how to deal with this or at least you would have someone to talk to. Clearly your uncle has some issues perhaps with his self esteem. It sounds like he needs to put others down in order to make himself feel good.

sassygrrl, I always feel down around my birthday too. Try to have a happy birthday, do something nice for yourself.

I haven't been on this thread in awhile because I was starting to finally feel really good about myself. I had gone back to school and felt like I was making positive progress in my life. Honestly I haven't dealt so well with all the crap that has gone on in my life in the past year. I lost one of my two jobs, met a nice gal, one of my friends past away and I dealt with it very poorly (if there is a good way to deal with a friend's death), I found another second job, lost that job a month later, stopped sleeping, the girl broke it off with me and I dealt with it poorly, a friend moved away and I hardly see her now she started seeing someone who I think doesn't like me. Somehow by January I had managed to pull my shit together and get a tuition waiver for school and most of the bad things didn't seem so horrific. I actually thought I was content and happy. Then I get news from my best friend, he has to go for a surgery on his back that may not work and could quite possibly leave him in a wheelchair. He's had several surgeries and nothing seems to help him and he's always in pain. He's claiming that if the outcome is that he is in a wheelchair he is going to kill himself. On the one hand I can see why someone wouldn't want to feel helpless that has always been so independent. On the otherhand all I can think is what will I do without him?! One of my other friends just had a baby and I feel like such an asshole because now I can't even be happy for her because all I'm doing is worrying about my best friend! She probably just thinks I'm busy studying and such when its not the case.
olivarria
Thanks for the feedback Muffy. I will definitely call someone Monday.

i was wondering if anyone has some advice of how to get through a depressive episode. I feel more and more isolated and have no friends here, and feel very alienated from my family. I don't have much of a self-esteem left and don't go out at all - i feel unattractive and don't feel like i can make friends because I'm too shy. i really don't like myself and i have a lot of anger at the world lately. i don't want to get out of bed - i just want to sleep and sleep and i cry a lot. I feel really pathetic and lonely. Does anyone have any advice for how to feel better?
lananans
I could also use some advice on how to feel better right now. I'm currently in my bed curled up in my duvet with my laptop, watching "Hockey Day in Canada". The hockey is on because it reminds me of home, my parents always have it on so that helps a bit, but makes me homesick at the same time. I think maybe I'm just really tired, because I drove to Ottawa yesterday to go see Rascal Flatts in concert, and drove back this morning, and didn't sleep very well.. but I just hate that whenever I get tired I become so depressed. Also, my boyfriend is uber stressed right now because he is waiting to hear back from med schools about interviews, and he has 4 midterms and an essay due this week... and i feel like he doesn't even want to see me, which I know is not true because he's been like this through every set of midterms since we've been together, but still... i feel pretty awful.
zoya
olivarria - wow, no wonder your self-esteem is shot! Anyone's would be in your situation! this is sooo not you - it's your uncle. If there is anything I've learned, it's that we can't fix other people and if someone or something is triggering my issues, getting away from what's triggering it can sometimes be the best thing. Can you afford to rent a room somewhere else? I'd say why try to reason with him...your sanity is bottom line, and the best and easiest way to take care of yourself and your self esteem would be to just get out of there. it's not your responsibility to fix or change him - just your responsibilty to take good care of yourself. And by trying to reason with him, it seems to me that you're using energy on him that you could be putting to great use on you!!

It doesn't mean that you have to cut off all ties with them or anything, it could be as simple as you saying you want to move to be with friends or people your own age. That would also probably help you meet people.... My last couple roommate situations have been found through craigslist, and I've had great luck with it. I know a few other busties who've found places to live that way, too, and have found great roommate situations.

anyway, that's my .02 cents


as far as getting through a depressive episode - if I can tell that something specific is triggering it (ie: something like your living situation, or not having enough sleep, or whatever) I try to address or remove that trigger, or at least identify it. Sometimes that will help a bit. Other than that, if I can drag my ass to do some exercise that helps. (although it can be very mind over matter getting myself to exercise, it does feel better once I actually do it) Right now, I'm totally having a depressive episode, and I can't seem to drag my ass out of it. I've just had a mild bout of the flu, so I'm sure that's not helping, either. I'm not feeling well enough to go to the gym, but I did drag my ass out and take a long walk today, and that helped. i also try to get myself away from the computer, because I tend to spend way too much time in front of the computer when I'm in that place and I think it kinda makes it worse.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and it would go away, because it sucks ass.
olivarria
Thank you Zoya for sympathizing with my situation, because i was starting to feel really alone. Now my aunt (my uncle's wife) is also mad at me because I defended myself against my uncle's comments, and it created a conflict. So although she knows he's in the wrong, i guess I'm supposed to just look the other way when he's being such an asshole, to make thing easier for everyone. That's what she does. And she's miserable and depressed. Occasionally she can't take it anymore and she blows up or gives him the silent treatment, but otherwise she just ignores how he acts to everyone. I think he is deeply selfish. I think he just gets away with so much because no one wants to rock the boat and make an argument, and i just can't do that. What kind of person would suggest bulimia to someone as a way to lose weight. I weigh 160, not 300! Not that any weight warrants becoming bulimic. I feel like I will never be lovable or likeable unless i am skinny. I used to be very close with him, and saw him as a father-figure, but i never will again. I live in Austin, which is very expensive, and i'm in school full-time, and i don't want to cut back on classes just so i can work full-time to afford an apartment. I'm anxious to finish school, and it's only 4 more months. I have my own room, so i stay away from them when i want to. Also, money problems are adding to my worries, which is another reason i can't move out just yet. I really don't feel like I'm doing too well....i called a crisis line last night, which is incredibly humiliating. I don't know how much it helped, though. I feel like my stomach is in knots.
lananans
((busties))
zoya
olivarria - I wasn't suggesting you get an apartment of your own, I was suggesting you try to find someone looking for a roommate. I know that even in Austin, it's possible to find a room for rent that's not nearly as much as moving into a whole apt. (check http://austin.craigslist.org under rooms/shared, and sublets/temp) I know you might have to make some trade-offs (ie: working a bit more, budgeting your money) but really, read what you've written below. You're at the end of your rope with this situation, and wouldn't that trade-off be worth it to get your self-esteem back, and in the process, feel like you're taking care of yourself, which is also empowering?

I know what I'm saying might sound harsh, but I'm just saying this because I care. I've been in a similar situation. it's why I moved out in the middle of a semester in college from a really shitty living situation with a roommate. It was toxic. I was totally scared, because it was the middle of a semester and I didn't think I could pull it off, but I just took the leap and it was the best thing I ever did. Yeah, it was a little bit hard at first, but it felt like I'd had a ten-ton weight lifted off my shoulders, and that in itself was worth the work.

I had a therapist say to me once - "if you had a sliver in your foot, and it was causing you pain every time you walked, would you just leave it there and let it hurt you and possibly get worse, or would you take off your shoe and just pull it out?" It just seems to me that it's a very simple solution to all the hell you're going through. Remove it. and that might mean taking more hours at work, or something. I know you say it's "only" 4 months, but that's a hell of a long time when you're being pounded like this every single day. 4 months is enough time to make you start believing there is something wrong with you, which you're already starting to feel.

oh, and don't feel humiliated for calling a crisis line. it means that you recognize there is something wrong and want to take care of yourself. nothing wrong with that AT ALL!!!

(((hugs)))
olivarria
Thank you so much Zoya - what you said doesn't sound harsh at all, it was very nice in fact. It's nice to know that someone sympathizes - I'm feeling kind of alone right now. I"m going to think about what I should do, and what i am able to financially. i really love my aunt and uncle, and i hate that we're fighting, although i realize it's not really my fault. Depressive episodes are so tough to get through, although i handle them a little better as i get older. Calling a crisis line is much better than the way i used to handle them (self-harm and other stuff). it's amazing how distorted my thoughts become. Even as I'm thinking them, on some level i know they are really distorted, but it doesn't make it stop.

Right now i have a lot of things adding to my depressive spell - loneliness, isolation, family problems, $ problems, low-self-esteem. I have to really struggle to make myself do things, but it's getting easier. I don't really feel excited about school right now, or about my future, and my appetite is gone. Studying is really hard now because i have to read the sentences over and over. I cry at the top of a hat and i feel like a ghost. I'm trying not to think in "black or white" or all-or-nothing thoughts, such as always or never, because that distorts my thoughts even more. I am calling a therapist first thing in the morning to set an appt. It doesn't have to be regular, maybe even just 2 or 3 times. I just really need to work on my self-esteem so i can socialize and make friends. This weekend i can visit my mom and watch Six Feet Under re-runs. That always cheers me up.

(((Zoya and Lananans))) I hope you are doing better. Getting out of the house is always a good idea, also talking to friends or family, but i know it's easier said than done, I should know. Take care of yourself!
i_am_jan
Hi people. Haven't been here before. Have rather been in denial about my depression. It started when I was so little a kid that I've just lived with it, tried all the escape routes, distractions, etc. but it's gradually got worse to the point where I have to start dealing with it somehow. I think it's flared up so bad right now because of a divorce, also, I've been lonely, isolated, family probs, social anxiety, money probs, and people in my family who are haters have really been disgustingly horrible to me lately. I just can't get it all off my mind, it just keeps going on a freakin loop from moment I wake in the morning to when I lay my head down at night trying to freaking sleep but it won't stop. Like many, I have no appetite, just want to cry & sleep, nothing is interesting, would very much love to die, have no idea why I'm even here since I freaking hate living so much. I can't make myself get out of the house at all and just want to be on couch. Yes, i know the thoughts are distorted but it doesn't help knowing that at all.

I feel more isolated than ever because I'm actually surrounded by people ~ people whom I should ideally have some connection with, but I don't at all, with any one of them. (My family is huge, several brothers & sisters). However, that family is full of mental health issues and people who are very, very angry. I have nothing in common with anyone and if they aren't up in my face saying mean shit to try & provoke anger from me (which is never a success, it simply makes me feel like shit but I never say anything back as I don't want to stoop to that level of ignorance and nonawareness. they have lots of displaced anger toward my parents and I know that. my mom made me a scapegoat in our family early on because I didn't agree with her horribleness and so there's a culture in our family where it's been acceptable since I was a small child to direct anger toward me.)

When I lived by myself, I actually felt less lonely. But as of now, I live with a guy (boyfriend, but really someone I don't want to be with, am only here because I needed *someone* in my life, but can't get into another relationship so soon after divorce). But he is not even my type, just someone I picked really because he was NOT my type, you know? Not someone I am able to connect with at all in any way. We have no intimacy. Our sex consists of animal-like quickies where he gets off and I just go into the shower & do myself afterwards, and I don't even freaking care. But I actually wish I'd never met him because like I said, it actually feels worse to me having a 'boyfriend', yet not being able to achieve any sort of intimacy with that person. It makes me feel like shit actually.

At this point, I have no one or nothing to connect me with my past at all, except that boyfriend though.

It's like, if there were no people around me and I had no family, being lonely would make sense. But having tons & tons of people around but unable to connect feels so miserably wrong.

I know there are no answers. I just wanted to get it all off my chest. so maybe I can stop thinking about all the negativity.
artstar
Hey jan....I really don't know what to say but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am currently at home blaring the Clash's first album in an attempt to drown out my parents senseless aruging( should I post in the dyfunctional family thread?). I really don't need to be hearing this crap after a day of classes and only 3 and a half hours sleep. I'd leave but I don't have the strength. I'd call someone but I don't want to talk to anyone else (I don't really have any "friends" anyways) and my boyfriend's at work. What makes this even more depressing is that I am 24 years old and still living at home. I could be out living on my own but I can't bring myself to get out of bed to go look for another job. I can barely cope with taking one class this semester. I do have a history of anxiety and depression. I was on Effexor 4 years ago and that helped. I figured things got better and I went off it. I've been fine but it's days like these I wish I was on meds.

((Hugs jan and all the other Busties)).


i_am_jan
thanks artstar.

(((((right back to you and everyone else)))))...
ThisSux
I just got through dating a guy who was selfish, insensitive, didn't think about me much, was completely self absorbed and made me feel bad everytime I left his bed. Funny thing is I'm a very proud person and whenever my gal friends hook up with a guy like this I wanna slap them in the face and tell them to WAKE THE FUCK UP ALREADY! I was pretty crazy about this guy though.......I think I'm ready for a gentle, kind, caring, loving man. I know I deserve it, everybody does. I just want to fall in love.
zoya
artstar - why don't you look at going back on the meds? IMO, it's no big deal to be on meds. If they improve the quality of your life and make any therapy or just plain getting back on track more effective than I say do it! Why battle the extra bullshit of the dark clouds making your attempts to work thru shit harder, when you don't have to?

I battle the hell out of depression. I'm on meds - a very low dose of wellbutrin, enough to lift the grey clouds that used to seem to always be overhead, and to clear the constant knots from the pit of my stomach that I always use to have, but I still get hit will depressive episodes now and then .. they just aren't nearly as severe as they used to be. The whole idea of me going on the meds was to do just that - help make my work on myself more effective, rather than the work just being about keeping my head above water. i feel like I've made more progress since I went on the meds. Well, in certain areas. I just can't seem to get the relationship thing to work for me, so I've pretty much given up for the time being. I'm just trying to focus on myself and let the rest fall into place.

right now, I'm going thru a total depressive episode. In a lot of ways, my life is great. just moved, great new job, great friends, meeting new friends, the whole thing. But in terms of relationships, in this last year my whole belief in the universe looking out for me was really shaken. I had a situation that left me (and still leaves me) thinking "if I can't believe in that, what can I believe in?" (as far as the right person being sent my way and things coming together) I have a really hard time believing that there is a whole big picture to the situation, and that it's probably not even over and that someday it will all come together and make sense. and that's thrown me in to a battle with depression that feels like it's lasted for a good year. It's really not been that long, more episodic, but still. I feel like I've gotten it together in all the other areas of my life, but there is nothing like the whole relationship thing to trigger the hell out of me. I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I hate it.

candycane_girl
(((artstar))) I agree with zoya. Meds can make such a difference. I used to be really leery of them but they help.

I made a mention in kvetch up at how I just haven't been going to class lately. It's like, I wake up and if I feel a bit too tired I just go back to sleep. I have group therapy in an hour and I am going to have to kick myself to go. My reading week starts on Monday so I think the break will be good for me but I am really going to try to just get up and get going to class everyday no matter what after the break. Can you all send me some get up and get moving vibes? I need them desperately!

I'm still so annoyed at myself for skipping class today. sad.gif
i_am_jan
candycane girl: be patient with yourself...what's done is done...like you said, after the break is a clean slate. Sometimes there's nothing like a break to get you back into something you were starting to burn out on. Here are your get moving vibes ~~~~~~now spring into action, tee hee!

Okay, well I've bitched & I've heard myself out. Time to break up with the so-called boyfriend.

Which I just did.

Yap, it's over. (like it was ever started to begin with?) He's acting like it's a big deal. I'm not hearing it. I said no, come get your stuff, it's done.

Then when I'm ready, I'm getting into a good, healthy relationship. One of those 2-way street dealios.

Today I'm ridding myself of all of the things that are making me miserable. Because I'm sick of it.
konphusion26
Good for you Jan!! Thats awesome to hear. Doing a lil "spring cleaning" never hurt anyone. Good luck babe!

I fell into a lil depressed rut today just thinkin about some things that happened in my past. Have no clue where it all came from. I kinda got emotional too!! I dont want to say that Im holding on to it, but its a part of what made me who I am today. Just reflecting on how far I've come, how low I was made me realize that I'm not so bad off right now. I'm actually doing better than I was 4 Months ago when I lost my job. I'm grateful for that. Small progress is progress.

Best wishes to you loves!
starship
QUOTE(candycane_girl @ Feb 15 2008, 05:35 PM) *
(((artstar))) I agree with zoya. Meds can make such a difference. I used to be really leery of them but they help.

I made a mention in kvetch up at how I just haven't been going to class lately. It's like, I wake up and if I feel a bit too tired I just go back to sleep. I have group therapy in an hour and I am going to have to kick myself to go. My reading week starts on Monday so I think the break will be good for me but I am really going to try to just get up and get going to class everyday no matter what after the break. Can you all send me some get up and get moving vibes? I need them desperately!

I'm still so annoyed at myself for skipping class today. sad.gif



I usually don't post here but I was just lurking about when i read this and I'm in exactly the same position! I've lost count of how many times lately the alarm clock's gone off and ive just maxed out the snooze button then gone back to sleep. The past few weeks I've missed so many lectures and it always makes me feel bad and annoyed at myself afterwards. That makes me more depressed- its a vicious circle. After missing a few days class last week I vowed to go every day this week at least so was pretty bummed out at myself when I failed again...I have reading week too next week though. Im planning to get lots of sleep as well as catch up on all the work Ive missed so hopefully I'll be more refreshed and motivated afterwards. I'm sure we'll both find it a bit easier to drag ourselves from bed after a decent break. Sending vibes your way smile.gif
Gypsymoth
Does anyone find that exercise makes depression worse? Every time I work out I get really depressed right after. It's weird because I've always heard that exercise is the best thing for depression.
artstar
Yeah, sometimes I miss being on meds. They did help me deal with some of the BS a tad better. Things didn't get to me as much. It's shame I have absolutley no health insurance anymore. That's one of the reasons I went off them. I have to admit I do handle things a little bit better than I did before on meds or not. For example, I didn't get invovled in my parents argument which I probabaly would have done before. I just went to my room and did my thing. I didn't even cry.

I currently have an issue that I am really ashamed of. I think I have severe attachment issues with my boyfriend. He told me last week that he's probably just going to have to stay at his house a few times a week, particularly when he gets off of work early, so he can get some more sleep. He usually comes over to my place every night after work. I enjoy this routine. I get to see him, it makes me happy, and he's happy. He gets sleep here. The thought of this change in happy routine freaks me out. The poor man needs some more sleep with work and his heavy class schedule and I'm afraid to let him do it! I feel needy and selfish. It's embarassing, really. Plus, I don't want him to start resenting me. I know some therapy might help with this, obviously. Too bad I probably couldn't afford any sad.gif

Oh and I hear you on the whole skipping class thing. I hate myself when I do that. Especially if it's a day right before the weekend. I spend the whole weekend worried about what I missed!
i_am_jan
As you all will remember I broke up with the boyfriend on Saturday?

So his dad died today.

I feel so. freakin. terrible.

(I love my life.)
olivarria
Candycane_girl and starship, what you are saying is exactly what I've been feeling the last couple weeks. Last semester i was so motivated in school and even made the Honor Society, but right now I just don't seem to care about getting anything done. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the walls. I feel complete apathy.....I don't really want to eat and reading my favorite books and movies doesn't interest me. I think the clincial term for this is "anhedonia" - the inability to feel joy. For me it's the inability to feel anything, really. It's hard to get myself to go to school, too, especially astronomy, which is incredibly hard for me. I'm just going to try to go through the motions even though i don't care. I know our attitudes are supposed to influence our actions, but i recently read evidence that our actions influence our attitudes just as much. In other words, do the activity, and the attitude or feelings will follow, or something like that. Now if only i can take my own advice! If i wait until i'm motivated, i will never do anything.

I have seen a couple docotrs about this problem before, and it seems that they have a lot of helpful things for depression and anxiety, which is a result of "too much feeling," but when i came to them with the problem of apathy and anhedonia, it was much harder to treat. I mean, how can you make a person feel when there's no feeling there? You can't make something out of nothing. I think exercise would help me a bit, and maybe getting out into the sun, or a different environment. I feel so.....stagnant. Does anyone have any advice for this?

zoya
olivarria -

that could be a symptom of depression... when I'm in a depressive episode, I feel the same way. nothing interests me. I have to practically wrench myself from bed to get anything done. and it's hard to focus -not in an ADD kind of way, but more like because I just don't care.

I tend to get really messy when I'm in that state, because it's just a pain in the ass to hang clothes up, or keep my purse even remotely organized, or anything. I stop making lists of things to do in my little notebook I keep with me, and just try to remember everything. it sucks ass.

One thing I've found that helps is to do the organizing, but either start with the little stuff (ie: dump out my purse on the table and organize things / throw out what I don't need) or do a little at a time. OR, have a friend help me. Reason being, the friend won't get bogged down in the apathy, and will help me get organized. (it's always much easier when you're dealing with organizing other people's crap than yours, thus my theory on having a friend help) I find that if I get a little thing organized -or have help organizing my room or something, the feeling doesn't necessarily follow.. but it does stop the spiraling from going too much further down. Cause for me, if I start getting messy and disorganized, I have a hard time getting out from under it, which is a slippery slope to a longer depressive episode. So if I can at least stop the slippery slope, I don't get further in the hole..

artstar - I get like that too (well I don't have a boyfriend, but when I am in a relationship) for me, it's not necessarily attachment issues to the boyfriend.. I have total abandonment issues that go all the way back to when I was a kid. and it's like when anything changes in any relationship, I find this little monster in my head going "its over." I jump all the way to that, that quickly. Then I try to "fix" things (that probably don't need to be fixed in the first place) and that just creates chaos, and then I've created what I was afraid of in the first place! I'm getting better at it... But still not quite there. I think it's just mind over matter. At least you've realized that this is not reality, that him needing to sleep at home some nights doesn't mean he's leaving you or something. Like you said, he needs some rest. I think that some of it is just talking yourself through the situation, knowing that your shit has a tendancy to be triggered by situations like that - but that doesn't mean it's reality. Another thing that might help along with it, is to have a schedule of when he comes over. Having something you can count on, rather than play it by ear, is something that really helps me when I'm in a situation where my issues can be triggered like that.

anyhoo, that's about it....
i_am_jan
Good luck everyone. Hang in there. I really wish spring would come round. I think we could all benefit just a touch from some sunlight. Let's face it. Bleak weather does not help.
starship
I feel so awful right now. There are problems in literally every area of my life and its becoming unbearable. I feel like something needs to give but at the same time i have no idea what to do because i cant seem to think clearly:/. Everyone has their problems in life and Im usually a strong independent person when it comes to coping with whats thrown at me. But now there are so many different things going on that my mind just seems to have gone..numb, i guess. I cant think rationally about any one thing and just feel like running away and saying screw it all. Ive come through feelings like this before but this time it seems different as all the things i used to focus on (like saying, ok things are going crap but at least theres '....') have somehow become part of the problem too. I know I wont feel this way forever but this whole episode seems to be dragging on for longer than is bearable. Depression sucks ass. My sleeping pattern is fucked and I have no appetite whatsoever.
Ah.sometimes it helps to have a bit of an incoherent rant....
i_am_jan
((((starship)))) I know (well not exactly, but sort of). I am in close to that same place right now, as you sort of know.

We know that you are usually strong and proactive. But sometimes, it is really hard to call up that strong person you know you are. Just try to hang in there for a little bit longer, and *something* good will come along and change the tide.

I know with me, I've been doing the incoherent rant thing too, because it feels good and you just feel like you have to sometimes. It helps to me cry, been doing it a lot... just let it go and get it out right now. And keep coming here to the threadz, it's totally cool to 'complain' here if you ever want to.

But you will be okay again soon I know it.
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