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i_am_jan
detour ~ rant ahead.

Everything has come down at once. when I told my BF I couldn't see him anymore he flew into a rage (of course). He made certain decisions out of that rage. One was to take everything from our place belonging to him (computer, phone, kitchen stuff, freakin shower curtain), shut off stuff in his name, he somehow got out of our lease early (the landlord had no problem letting him out immediatley with NO NOTICE). This means that I have to be out by next Friday or pay the full rent + utilities on my own, with no previous notice. That means that all at once, i have to: find a job, start work, pack & move out of here, find a new apt., roommates, and move into the new place, all by next Friday. I was already iun a bout of depression when this began. (I only meant that we couldn't continue our BF & GF relationship, but certainly I was expecting him to live up to the lease we just put on this new place in August? But of course he felt the need to lash out at me since I was honest and told him I couldn't commit right now. So the punishment has been a tremendous success.)

Knowing that I have all of this to do right now, all at once, serves to make me only tired and of course more depressed...I have no energy for it, it is a level snow emergency, ice is everyplace, I'm supposed to be doing everything, but I can't seem to do anything.
starship
Thanks for the words IamJan smile.gif. Still feeling crappy but its good to let it all out. I usually talk to my bf but things arent going so good with him right now and theres only a few people who Id actually confide in anyway so its all just been eating away inside me.
Im not in the exact same situation as you but along the same lines of everything going wrong at once and instead of sorting things out i just want to sleep and forget it all. My relationship is breaking down, my home life is unbearable, money issues, 2 relatives are going into hospital for serious operations, the course I'm studying is extremely demanding and life-consuming which means I have no time for anything but, and to top it all I havent been eating properly and keep throwing up so i feel constantly drained. All these things going on at once and on top of the usual stuff has left me completely depressed.
Anyway, my advice to you, iamjan, would be to make a list of all the things you need to do in order of priority and just tackle them one by one. Might help to feel less bombarded and overwhelmed? I usually get less stressed out and depressed when I feel more organised and on top of things. Maybe thats just me though :/. It helps me to set my mind on the end reault too for a bit of motivation. At least in a few weeks time youll be free to move on from your BF and in a nice new appartment of your own. I feel such a phoney trying to give advice when I cant even get myself out of my own depression lol.

Things can only get better i guess...
knorl05
i_am_jan: i am so sorry sad.gif what an asshole. i know that doesnt help matters. but i just dont know what else to say. all i can offer is my sympathy and words of encouragement. during crushing times like these i think it's best to start small. even if you havent got the energy or desire to do anything right now, things still have to get done. that's why as long as you are doing something, anything, toward what you need to accomplish, that is much more than if you hadnt done it. i've found during times that i need to organize my life, lists tend to help tremendously. hopefully that offers some help at all. sorry sweetness. i guess all i can say is that you're better off in the long run?
ellievee
hello busties!

here goes:
so, i've struggled for years with depression (mostly anxiety and PTSD-related) and have seen many therapists and been on a few different anti-depressants. i never really liked taking medication, and it always had some negative side effects on me (i've taken prozac, lexapro, and celexa, which are all related), and i've never really felt good about talking to a therapist.

recently, however, i've felt MUCH better, and weened myself off of celexa within the past 9 months, having been completely off of it for about 6 months now. well, now, my life is in order (for the most part), i have a WONDERFUL boyfriend, a steady job, a close relationship with my parents, and things generally aren't too stressful right now. however, i find myself always worrying again! even my dear has said "are you okay? you look like something's bothering you." i'm not sure exactly what's bothering me, though. i know i've been eating a lot (something i do when i'm depressed) and sleeping quite a bit more, but i attributed those to being due to winter.

anyway, i know i'd like to feel better, and have been considering going back to seeing a therapist and perhaps trying out a different medication. so, i know this sounds horribly naive...but, any tips on finding a good psychiatrist/psychologist? i don't know where to begin! and also, any help at all is appreciated in the department of meds...any you've taken that were helpful? horrible?

thank you all so much!
zoya
....another depressive episode. not horrible, but I can't sleep right, can't get out of bed, can't focus and can't get any work done. can't seem to engage in a normal manner with the rest of the world and I just...ugh. it's 2 pm and I'm in bed and I have to drag myself out. yuk.


artstar
Sorry to hear you are feeling down zoya... (((hugs)))

I know how you feel because I've been the same way this week. Since I've last posted my boyfriend has been staying at home every night the week to do homeowrk and get sleep and just coming over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I was doing ok, feeling fine with this rountine and was proud of myself until today when for some reason I had nervous breakdown on the phone with him. My anxiety was really, really bad today and I've been feeling up and down all weekend. I feel so guilty when I get like this. He doesn't know what to say either. I think that's what frustrates me about being this way. No one knows what to do. I'm kinda mad too that it took for me to start bawling like an idiot for him to offer to come over and see me. I was obviously upset when I was talking to him before I even started to cry. I know he's not a mind reader but...I don't know.I feel so guilty for being this way. He just gets quiet. It sucks. I just keep thinking how crappy it is that I live at home at 24, have no job, and am getting my A.A degree in college soon ( which is a 2 year degree that has taken me 6 years to get!) yet am not quite sure what I want to do with my life. I know I need to change things, or get a job, get out and make new friends but it's like I can't just. bring. myself to do it. I feel like I am just slowly sleeping my life away and it blows. I'm know I'm gonna look back and regret this.

Sorry for ranting but that felt good.
erinjane
I mentioned this in the insomnia thread, but I wanted to post it here too. Since the summer I had been feeling great, really happy and having a great time. But in the last two months I decided I wanted to get off Trazodone. I've been taking 200mg since December 2006. I've been tapering it down by 25mg for three weeks. I noticed I was feeling more tired the last two weeks but I figured it was just because of a busy semester, but this week the insomnia has come back on full force. I'm so exhausted and just want to sleep. And today I just feel so horrible, so depressed. I just burst into tears while on the phone with someone and I have no motivation to do anything. I'm taking my usual 200mg dose tonight because I cannot deal falling back into depression right now. I'm so frustrated because I just want to be off the pills. Has anyone else gone through withdrawal on Trazodone? I feel like my doctor doesn't understand that discontinuation syndrome really is occurring.
mornington
*sticks head in*

I know I've not been great at posting in here... I guess when I'm on top of things I push it to the back of my mind. But, I've been reading this blog that just started and thought of you guys (starship, I know you're a uk uni student... I've been finding the uni sections really interesting, i guess it's just good to know sort of thing)

and rantyness...

why the fuck can my new doctor not give me an appointment? First it took me three months to register - they want two utility bills. Hello? Student? I don't get utility bills because my electricity is on a fucking meter. So I change my bank, and have to wait until I get two statements through. Then they don't like it because it has my bank's address on it (if she actually read it, it says my name and address in BIG FUCKING LETTERS on it) and they don't like my passport because, well, I have pink hair now and not in my passport. Pu-leeze. Well, they gave in, and I can register. Except I can't get an appointment until next week, but I'm away next week for uni and I need a prescription for my meds. But they don't give emergency appointments.

Sometimes I think they'd turn me away if I had the fucking plague, but then again I don't look ill, so I can't compare. I've been trying to stretch my meds out, and I know it's affecting me, but I don't want to have to go cold turkey (again) while I'm halfway up a sodding mountain in scotland. Because dizzy fits and nausea are not good while I'm in London, let alone the arse end of nowhere. I fucking hate this, I know I can deal with my depression when I'm medicated, but I can't if I've not got the meds taking the edge off. Sodding doctors.

also: I hate wondering when would be a good time to tell new boyface that I'm a little... nuts.
konphusion26
i really am starting to think my husband is severely depressed. He is totally not acting like himself the last few months. We've only been married 10 months and he's done a total 180 since then. We barely talk, his hygiene is terrible, he's sloppy, he doesnt care about his appearance much. He's really let himself go!! This man used to be clean, very neat, smelling good, dressing nice, romantic, all that. Now I can barely get him to pick up behind himself. he doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything, except go to church. While that is fine, there's more to life than sitting in church 3 times a week. I'm a sweats, jeans and tshirt kinda girl myself - however, I do make every effort to look nice and presentable when we're going somewhere. NOT HIM. He wants to wear jeans and tshirts everywhere!!! I mean can I see you in some nice slacks and a button down shirt every now and then????? DAMN. That has been our fights lately. Me asking him why he's changed and him getting an attitude and being sarcastic with me. He wants to see me wear dresses and skirts and heels and all that, and I DO. I've begun doing those things in effort to bring back the spark in our relationship. But its not working. Seems like he gets lazier and lazier by the day. I dont know what else to do. Its making me into a nagging bitch. I try not to get upset with him because I dont know whats going on inside. He never opens up to me. I think this evening I will sit down with him and talk about it. Or at least try to. I'm getting more frustrated each day. NEED SOME HELP YALL!
knorl05
WOW kon. i'm sorry sad.gif sounds like something very normal to me though, based on what i've heard and seen about people's married lives. it appears as though both of you have difficulty communicating with eachother and i would suggest couples therapy..

hope everything gets better. in the meantime, just ignore him. may sound like awful advice perhaps but it seems like he's being a big baby and you trying to fix the matter actually could be making it worse....

oh and mornington, he already knows. your beau that is. that's one of the things he likes about you. ps. thank you for the link to that blog. omy.
konphusion26
Thanks for the suggestion Knorl!! I thought about counseling, but I seriously dont have the funds to just give away right now. The few people I've actually opened up to about the situation keep telling me it sounds normal. I guess I'm high strung or something LOL keep blowing things out of proportion. But I get aggitated very easily these days. I've been bombarded with crazy health/hormone problems and stress from job hunting - then to have to deal with a grown man acting so nonchalant just makes it worse. I shouldnt take it out on him though. But somethings gotta give.
knorl05
yez yez of course my dear kon! ;-*

so i've realized i get depressed over particular circumstances or conditions not necessarily that i'm a depressive being as a whole. i actually tend to be rather optimistic and progressive in my thought process, but i do notice my tendency to get down over certain aspects of my life. i believe that's also quite normal eh? i think our biggest psychological problems in this day and age are the result of the idea that we are somehow ever supposed to reach perfection. i feel *ashamed* for being anything less than "perfect" even though i know it's not realistic or an attainable ideal. and at the same time i hate the idea of perfection so much so that i embrace and explore my (real or perceived/tangible or intangible) imperfections just to give a finger to its oppressive illusion.

oh also, i find that during times i am down, my downs are extremely intense. like i'll sometimes allow my mind to trail off in the direction of absolute self loathing as a form of punishment. i've often felt this is an indirect result of the belief system i was raised in (catholicism). because i notice when i come from a place of unconditional acceptance of my sinner self the direction of my life improves dramatically. just food for thought on the topic of depression because my mind is rather negative today due to, again, my conditions.
snarky7
*peeks in*
heya all - looks like i've been missing out in this thread - so much to catch up on!

knorl: perfection - ah, the thing that escapes me easily as well. it is my drive for perfection that causes me much heartache also.

kon: wow, what a crazy thing. i can say two things: 1) if you love this guy, try the counseling. look up in your area for counseling services - there's apt to be a free service someplace, or reduced-fee - most areas have those i think? i live in a fairly rural area and we have one place like that. 2) it sounds like your increased stress isn't helping things either. I wonder if you can pinpoint your stress and try to reduce it somehow? (easier said than done, i know) looks like job/health issues? never fun but maybe sometime soon you'll have an answer there. i do think that my depressive moments are brought on by stress too - and i nitpick my boyfriend to death as a result. tongue.gif

mornington: ah just tell him. if he likes you too he's probably already figured it out. (tee hee)

and to the rest of you: please know you are not alone - this thread is proof of that!
i'm trying to stay positive and am trying to keep my stress levels down and take things as they come - all of these help me to manage. i just have to keep repeating those things to myself....

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
mornington
kon - i'd consider conselling; you sound stressed so it's not helping, but from what you're saying he might benefit as well. certainly if you think it's affecting your relationship negatively.

knorl - I've found one of the things that's helped is working on my acceptance of myself as who i am, depression and all. it doesn't help all the time, but I've found "going with the flow" of my moods to a certain degree has helped; I feel more attuned to my mood changes and I know when I'm going down well enough to either catch myself or kindof prepare, if that makes sense.

I did tell him, but it's all academic now; I'm seeing a guy I've known for a while (we dated, it didn't quite work but we got on, now we're giving it another go) and he's aware and understanding. He was around when I was first getting really settled, and I feel, well, accepted in a way that my last 'ship didn't (he told me it was my fault I was depressed and I was being lazy because I wasn't *trying* to cheer myself up). It's all good.

Although I don't know if I'll have meds for my exams; this is good because prozac seems to mess with my concentration but bad because stress is a major trigger. We'll see. Pete (my bunny) has a possible tumor so I'm more focused on him...

(((((you)))))
mornington
i hate it when every little thing becomes an insurmountable task.
I hate not being able to remain calm, that becoming angry makes it worse.
snarky7
anyone been able to separate their stress from their depression? I am trying to figure out if my life of late is on the stressed or depressed side? is it possible to separate the two?

what mornington just said about every little thing being an insurmountable task - wow. that's me. every day lately it seems. but i'm trying to overcome, one task at a time. i feel overwhelmed to say the least, and like i can't catch up with everything that needs to get done.

i hope things are better, mornington. looking forward to everyone's thoughts. thanks.
lananans
Snarky -- stress and depression seem to go hand in hand for me. Everything does seem insurmountable right now. I just finished university on Saturday, and have moved home for the summer (yesterday). Three nights ago I went out with some friends and drank WAY too much. I think part of the reason was that I was so stressed/depressed but it just made things much worse. To make it even better my roommmate let some random guy walk me home. I know logically and from him saying and his friend vouching for him and from bits and pieces of my memories that NOTHING HAPPENED (sorry for the caps, I feel it is necessary), but still the fact that I was in that position really freaks me out. I told my boyfriend about it and he was okay. His reaction was "well i would say it is almost good judgement to let someone walk you home. Worse things could have happened if you were on your own". I agree with that too to a certain extent, but I still get freaked out..

I guess the only way I can describe it is that it comes in waves -- one second I think I'm fine. logically I know everything is fine -- the next second -- totally depressed think I am a horrible person don't want to be alone can't eat can't watch tv can't do anything. I'm better today, my meds are kicking back in after the alcohol, but still. I am actually going to go call my family doctor right now and make an appointment to see her. My mom has the same thing and shes been going and recently had her meds adjusted... when I was first prescribed my doctor just suggested I go to counseling and gave me a prescription in like ten minutes.... he was my mom's doctor too and just gave me the same thing... maybe I can find something that works better for me. I dunno.

I just wrote in here because I every little bit of support helps when feeling like this. Everything is overwhelming. (Moving, leaving my boyfriend for the summer -- we're moving in together in September but for the summer our parents got us good jobs elsewhere -- ending school, moving home with the family, all the packing I have to do, my last exam did NOT go well, and I have my period.)

Sigh.
lananans
ps -- hugs to all the other depressed busties.
Jessica80
Is anyone on Abilify?
What are the side effects?
knorl05
(((right on snarky and mornington)))
on my run tonight. i'm like. you know. i been living with depression for 15 years now, half my life. i think i need to just realize this is how my brain works and work within the "depressive" tendencies. i may never escape my preoccupation with all things dark, unusual, moody, and obscure..... but why should i? these are aspects of life that really fascinate me, so this is just who i am. if peeps dont like it, and dont like me because of it, i'd rather they fuck off because most likely i wouldnt have anything in common with them anyway.

geez. sometimes i feel like i'm still struggling with adolescent angst...!

also. weird thought i need to share to get out to let go.... in my subconsious i have lingering thoughts centering around this basic idea: "if only i did [this] i could be normal/perfect/happy".. this thought distracts me from what i really appreciate about myself and life. i feel this could be due to the media marketing an 'ideal life', which i really hate especially because of the dumbing down that occurs in pop culture. any other depressive busties concur?

also. sorry, no jessica. but welcome.
GirlFilth
QUOTE(Jessica80 @ Apr 24 2008, 07:50 PM) *
Is anyone on Abilify?
What are the side effects?


I am currently on Abilify (along with lamictal and lithium) Shall we all go running for the shelter now? Ha just kidding. Side Effects when first taking it were dizziness, calming, and a little tired. I stared it at night though. It's such a small pill that it doesn't even feel like you are taking medicine. It just feels like a birth control pill. My moods stabilized by 100% and I felt better about nearly everything. The only thing is (pharmacy tech speaking now) that side effects are not general as those pamphlets might lead on. Learn everything you can about your medication and interactions with food and drugs (drugs.com - excellent site). Also a down side is you can feel when it wears off so just keep open with your doctor so he can make any necessary adjustments.

Take Care and I hoped I helped! <3

Sarah
cstars124
Hello everyone!

I have a question for you guys. I've been on effexor for 6 years. Recently, I got engaged and started thinking realistically about starting a family someday. I did some research on pregnancy and anti depressants and I know that effexor really isn't a drug you can stay on when you're pregnant. I also started to think that my body became immune to the drug cause my dosage didn't change in 6 years and recently my moods just kinda changed. I was on 75 mg throughout the 6 yrs and it was prescribed to me by my PCP who isn't the best doctor in the world. Anywho, I talked to her about weaning myself off the meds. I was told to "dump about 3/4 of the little balls out of the pill" and continue doing that until I could take the 37.5 mg capsules. Once I got used to the 37.5 mg, I was supposed to do the ball dumping then until I was completely off the pills. Like an idiot, I tried it and it had a HORRIBLE time. I was dizzy, antsy, weepy, even slighly sucidal. Not because I hated my life, but because I just felt AWFUL and if I was going to continue to feel this way, I felt like life probably wasn't worth living.

Luckily, I stopped myself from doing anything stupid, and started taking the 75 mg again. I also started seeing a therpist, who is a clinical nurse specialist and discussed my options with her. She was able to wean me off the 75 mg (successfully, without dumping any of the slow release capsules out) and now I'm on the 37.5 mg. What she's planning on doing now is putting me on 20 mg of prozac. Reason being is that I told her it's VERY difficult for me to skip a day on the effexor, even on the 35.7 mg because of the dizziness and stuff. Plus, when and if I decide to get pregnant, there's been a lot more research done on pregnancy and the effect it can have on a baby with prozac then effexor. My question is (after the long story), is that I'm nervous about taking it. I trust my doctor (the new one) and I don't think she would prescribe anything that wasn't in my best interest. However, I guess because my other doctor was so stupid, that I'm nervous about switching. I did some research on the side effects and the one I'm mostly concerned with is the sexual dysfunction. Has anyone else had any problems with this? What about anything else like weight gain/loss, or insomnia?

Sorry for the long rant, but I figure you guys could help calm me down a bit. dry.gif
themeiu
(I know it's close to the top but cuz I said I would)

*bump*
bubblesqueak
I have been crying a lot lately. Every day. I am so stressed out but all the things that would make me feel better - like doing my assignments or getting my projects finished at work - I just cant make myself do. So the pressure builds up and then I just feel like I cant cope with anything and it all just seems too hard. I dont know what is wrong with me? I just cant seem to do anything. I never used to be like this. I could always just do eveything and now i just feel like I've fallen apart. I cant do anything anymore and pressure just makes me break. I feel so hopeless.
themeiu
I know it's easy to feel bad about the things that don't get done. BUT the more you beat yourself up about things, the worse it gets. It creates more anxiety and frustration. Say you are working on something and you feel bad because you are not getting it done. Subconsciously you start to associate the bad feelings with doing things. Whenever you think of working, you start to feel anxious which is no fun, so to avoid feeling bad you don't do what you should and you feel worse. Vicious cycle.
Instead of beating yourself up for what you are not doing, praise yourself for everything you get right, no matter how small. Paid your bills on time? Give your self a break and maybe even a treat and lotsa praise. But don't let in the "Yeah, but I still have to do x,y,z". If you start to connect doing things with good feelings, you will be more inclined to do them. (we like to activate our pleasure center in our brains as much as possible). You might feel silly at first getting excited over small things, but pay that no mind. It's ok to be aware that you have these things to do, but berating yourself just creates bad associations.

And the term is almost over right? I remember your bf saying something about not coping in a real job? That's really alot of BS. School and jobs are not comparable. School is super intense all the time because it's so short. But when you work everyday, things are much more spaced out and easier to handle. Plus you tend to have more freedom and independence and no grades.

Good luck!
geekchickknits
cstars124, I went off effexor XR on my own a year and a half ago, and the withdrawl was pretty bad. Like you, I was never as high as the normal maintaining dose, but I found that even missing a dosage by six hours would make me really mashy and tense (my teeth would feel like they were coming loose in my mouth) and I would have aural hallucinations. This was one of the many reasons why I decided to go off it. I cut down my dosage as long as I could go and then started spacing them out to every 36h instead of every 24h and when I ran out of pills I was done. I had a couple days of really bad withdrawl (dizzy, mashy, aural hallucinations, paranoia) and then continuing milder effects for about a week, but going off was one of the best things I ever did.

I didn't know until I started reading the forums that the withdrawl for effexor XR is second only to paxil which is second to heroin. Nice, eh?

Anyway, keep strong and you'll get through. I wasn't on them for as long as you, so perhaps your system has more of an addiction to them than mine did, but you can do it.
cstars124
yikes. Heroin, huh?

I stopped taking the effexor and have started taking 20 mg of prozac. It's only my second day, but I take it in the morning and I'm SLEEPY all day. sad.gif

Has anyone else noticed that they're very tired after taking prozac?
bubblesqueak
So, that stuff you said about associating negative feelings with trying to get through my work really REALLY makes sense. The very thought of sitting down to do my homework fills me with nervous tension. Not just the usual I-dont-want-to-do-that-cause-it's-boring, but stomach churning anxiety. It's nuts. I like your suggestion though - trying to associated a good feeling with accomplishing stuff, even if it's only small. I'm going to try it out. I need to get back to how i used to be - like a normal person who could just get stuff done. Thanks for the advice! You seem very wise.
geekchickknits
So my depression has been creeping back on me. Now - it is the week before my period, so I know I always get anxiety with PMS, but this has been building up. I know what I need to do to get myself back on track, but it's always taking those first major actions to make it happen. I feel that I've been dropping the ball on a lot of things lately, and I have been more frequently choosing the action (or more accurately lack of action) that drive my spiral further downward. It's frustrating, because I have been really happy with my life and I don't know why I'm sabotaging myself.
mornington
cstars - yup. fortunately, when I am awake, I'm actually awake and not longing to go back to bed, which I am without the prozac. With: sleep normally, feel tired, can do stuff. Without: sleep without being tired, but because I can't function properly and sleeping makes it go away.

(((((bubblesqueak))))) i'd second what themeiu said; rewarding yourself for doing even the littlest of tasks really helps. Also, if you make lists, make sure you break it down into achievable segments - instead of "revision" or "essay" write "revise lecture x" or "draft introduction"... it seems longer, but you cross things off quicker and it's things you can do, which makes you feel better. At least that's what i do...

does anyone else get headaches on prozac? headaches and upset stomach... blegh.
Muffy
hello all I haven't been on here in awhile, well not this forum anyhow. Not because I was feeling spectacular by any means. I started to feel a bit better about myself when I went back to school because I felt like I was doing something to help myself because I felt helpless being on partial unemployment because my current job won't give me more hours and I can't afford to pay my bills on like $100 a week. To add to this the last person I dated broke my heart (that is the short version), this was in November, I've gone on literally two dates with two people since then. I don't think a soul is interested in me, I feel like the most uninteresting, untalented person ever. I can't get hired, I can't get a date - my friends go out and don't invite me, which really isn't helping. Tonight a bunch of my friends went out to a concert, and didn't invite me. Its not like they need to invite me every time they go out, but it would be nice. I kind of mentioned that it would've been nice had I known I could've asked for the night off. I don't have much money, but a girl likes to go have fun. One of my others friends - who I thought was a good friend - is throwing a party and didn't invite me, I found out about the party by accident. This isn't doing much for self esteem.
i_am_jan
Just reading through the last couple pages of posts and ducking in to say I hope everyone is feeling a little better...or at least moving in that general direction. I get into bouts of depression occasionally, not to the degree nor frequency of a manic or chronic; but having touches of depression at all, I know it's terrible.

((((((hugs to all))))))
starpiste
I lurk here a lot, but this is my first time posting in this thread. In the last 3 weeks my controlled depression and anxiety has become uncontrolled. Yesterday my doctor and I decided I should be back on meds. Today I'm all slow and tired and I'm not sure if I'm just mentally exhausted or it's the medication. I'm on 10 mg of celexa, which I been on before with good success but at a higher dose. Plus I don't feel like I can take extra time off work because I get paid on commission only and a day off means no pay, and financial stress is a large part of what's got me here to begin with.

I could go on but I just needed to tell someone that this sucks and I feel awful.

konphusion26
Wow, I went to bed and woke up in the same shitty mood. I don't know if what I'm experiencing can be considered "depression" - maybe it is. I felt like crying as soon as I opened my eyes. WTF is wrong with me?? And my life is not that bad when I think about it, things could be a helluva lot worse. But why am I so unhappy right now? My husband asked me to name 5 things in 30 seconds that would make me happy... and sadly I couldnt even do 4. I truly don't know. I guess feeling like I've lost all direction, all motivation, all inspiration is just taking a toll on me. I have no idea what i want to do with my life. People keep asking me, "so what do you want to do" and i want to scream and shake them and say the F*** if I know!! Thats what I'm trying to find out. It pisses me off when people that think they have everything so together feel the need to question where I am in my lil world.

Anyway, end rant. That is all for now. Big hugs to everyone that is feeling depressed! Things will get better!
snarky7
anyone ever reach the conclusion that some of us never allow ourselves to be happy? we'll do everything in our power to kill the good from our lives?
starpiste
QUOTE(snarky7 @ Jun 6 2008, 04:45 AM) *
anyone ever reach the conclusion that some of us never allow ourselves to be happy?


yup, totally.
geekchickknits
I'm curious and would like to take a poll - who in here (besides myself) has tried Cognative Behavioral Therapy (CBT)? What was your experience with it?

(The reason I'm asking, is that I see a lot of discussion in here regarding medication, and I want to see how many people have tried alternate methods of coping/therapy)
snarky7
Hey GCK: I had to go look it up to be sure I knew what you were after: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

So, my thoughts are that yes, I've tried it. I think this is what my therapist has worked on with me for the past 4+ years. Taking my failure and drawing it out, showing me how to not avoid it cuz of the first (or more) failures, and the key things i can do so i do it better next time. this is a huge piece for me as I really believe I've grown emotionally and mentally in the past years. i can readily identify those areas to avoid them or improve upon them now (or many of those areas)

What are your specific thoughts on the topic?
starpiste
I've done CBT with two different therapists, and I did reality therapy for a while in a group setting. I've done way more therapy than I've spend time on meds. What happens for me is that when I notice myself back sliding I get back into therapy. Sometimes I don't do that fast enough (or like now, I can't afford my regular therapist) and I let it go too long. Then my sleeping, eating, crying, anxiety, ect. gets so out of control that I need the meds to re-regulate. When I've let myself go that far I can't even get to therapy/work/anywhere without the help of meds. I see the meds as a tool to use with the therapy when I need extra help.
zoya
I have tried CBT - my therapist uses it in some areas with me. I found that in some areas, it really helps me. The main areas it helps me in are in dealing with destructive patterns of behaviour (by destructive, I mean to me - to relationships, work situations,etc) because I have been able to identify why i react certain ways to certain situations (based on talking about my upbringing) to recognize when I am reacting that way, and to learn techniques that help put the breaks on.

that said, I don't think that for me, any of it was really effective until I got on meds. I'm on Wellbutrin and Buspar - the lowest dosage possible without it being sub-theraputic (I take about 1/2 the lowest dosage most people ever take) for me, it's been a godsend. For me that dosage is enough to take the anxiety and depressive feelings away to the extent that talk therapy is effective - by that I mean, I'm not just using every session to try and manage / get through my depression and anxiety, but I can actually work to undo some of the mechanisms I've developed over time to deal with situations I grew up in.

Both my Therapist (psychologist) and psychiatrist feel that for someone who is really invested in talk therapy (including CBT) that meds are about exactly the above - lessening the depression and anxiety (or whatever symptoms someone might have) to the level that it makes talk therapy more effective, with an eye on possibly tapering off the meds some day. Really the only people my psych writes full on high dosage prescriptions for anti depressants are people who resist being invested in talk therapy, or the people who when, after being on a lower dosage with talk therapy for some time, it becomes apparent they are depressed to the point of needing the higher dosage always (ie: not situational depression or dysthymia, which is what I have, but major depression)

will I ever get off the meds? I don't know - I'm sure that at some point down the road, if I feel that I've reached a place in therapy that I'd like to try it, I will give it a go. But who's to say that talk therapy is going to "fix" my depression and anxiety. That may be strictly biological and never go away. honestly, I don't have a problem with being on the meds. They are making my quality of life so much better because I don't have that fucking grey cloud over me all the time that affects how I deal with everything. Not to say I don't get depressed or anxious now and then - I do. I'm on a low enough dosage that it doesn't mask anything - it just kinda brings me up a notch to probably what a 'normal' person probably feels like. But that notch has made a huge difference.

I mean, the way I see it, if I had diabetes, would I be resistant to taking the drugs I needed to stay healty, if diet alone wasn't doing it for me? So why should I be resistant to taking the meds I'm taking as long as I'm educated about them?? I feel like I'm far more myself now than I was before. I feel like the depression and anxiety were the things that masked who I am. The meds help let the me that I am break through.
zoya
I think I killed the thread..
geekchickknits
No, I've just been having troubles posting.

CBT was what helped me, more than talk therapy (which would always leave me feeling more depressed) and more than drugs. In fact, I think for me, drugs made it worse. I understand that they do work for some (most) people, but after my personal experience it have left me very wary.

Thanks to all who answered my question!
snarky7
What do you all find are your "triggers" in your life? I ask because I was having a wonderful day yesterday with shinyx3, and that was followed by a GNO with some work friends. I had a good time, but the whole way home I found myself comparing me to the others - I'm the shortest, the fattest, they all have better hair, they all say the right things (I had one stick-my-foot-in-my-mouth moment last night)... Anyway, I got home feeling down.

Any thoughts?
starpiste
snarky, I get that same thing after a night of going out. It might hit on my way home, or the next day. I usually tie it to issues I have with equating having fun with being drunk or to self-esteem stuff about not feeling as flirty/pretty/open as some of the people I hang out with are. Pretty similar actually. I find it happens most when I am more sober but I know being too drunk to care isn't a good strategy.

I have a ton of triggers though. Bad dreams, a slow day at work, someone rude on my bus, being broke, the wrong song on my ipod. The list goes on and is pretty big these days but it's not always.

Last night I went on a date and felt so much like I was censoring all the stuff I'm feeling these days because it's not good first date material. I'm feeling totally neutral about it today. I feel so foggy that it could have happened a month ago.

I also finally found a sliding scale councellor that I can afford and doesn't have a waiting list. I should get a call from them Monday to set up a first appointment. I really need it.

How's everyone else doing?
Gypsymoth
I'm starting with a new psychiatrist tomorrow now that I've moved. It's frustrating that I've been in treatment for so many years on and off and I haven't made much progress. Therapy and drugs have helped me during really bad times but I hate how numb the drugs make me feel and I get frustrated with therapy.
snarky7
star - thanks for sharing your triggers. very eye opening as I believe the same things are triggers for me too. if only i would lose the 10+ pounds, or be funnier, or smarter, or have fewer freckles....sigh. gotta get to it. counseling helps me to be stronger about myself, and i've tried drugs too. i also hated how the drugs made me feel, gyps, so i didn't stay on them for long, but i have friends that would swear it is only the drugs that keeps them rolling. reading this thread, it is really a combination of things that seem to help, and it really depends on the person. i also think reading everyone's thoughts on this board helps me too.... keep stuff coming!


deathaniexo
i have had the depressed for no reason depression for the past week. i just feel blue. i'm assuming it started because of the fight that went down with my boss last friday because i've been really anxious every time i've gotten ready for work and while i've been there but, i've never been upset for this long over work stuff.
zoya
all I have to say right now is thank fuck for the meds, because if I wasn't on them, I'd not have gotten out of bed the last couple days. I'm totally in a depressive episode right now, but at least I'm elevated enough that I'm not at rock bottom and non-functional. this sucks. I've been upset for the last week or so about a situation with a person I was involved with in the past (long story) but I was able to deal with that - normal kinda anger / upset. What triggered this slide? A couple days ago I saw a pic taken recently of him, and he looks really great and really happy - and I know he has a new relationship - and i know that smile. It's the smile he used to have for me, that I have in a few pics of him. OK, so anyone might feel kinda down at that, but it's just triggered this super slide. It seems like kind of an inoordinately extreme slide downward for that, but you just never know. At least I don't. I mean, there are some situations I do know trigger me and can prepare for or have mechanisms in place to deal with them when they come up. But I hate getting blindsided like this - yeah, it's something you'd expect to feel bummed at, but the extreme reaction just sucks. I think you guys probably understand - a lot of people would be like "just get over it" or "you've got a great life! don't be bummed!" and I'm forcing myself to do things, but it's definitely mind over matter. It's not as easy as "just getting over it" If I could snap my fingers and have this episode be gone, I would. I have a great life, I know this - and it sucks when I just don't care about any of it. Like I said, thank fuck for the meds - they let me feel all this, but if they weren't there, I can guarantee I'd not even be typing this right now because I'd be in a little ball in my bed. ugh.

starpiste
It sucks when something that you feel shouldn't be a big deal becomes a major trigger. And people telling you it's not a big deal. For me it's hard to explain that it's not the event that's hard, but my reaction to it and how little control I feel over it.

It is good that you're seeing what is good about what's going on. I'm trying really hard to do the same. None of my stress is relieved, and I am more irritable than ever, but people think I look better and I'm sleeping more than 3 hours a night. I'm holding on to that.

I'm back on celexa and I'm finding in the last three weeks since I started them (and am seeing my doctors and told my support system what's going on) I just want to be drunk all the time. It almost feels like a med side-effect even though I know I shouldn't be drinking at all. It's actually pretty much dominating a lot of my thoughts. I know from my last major episode that it really helps me forget about everything I'm feeling but I also know it's a very very unhealthy coping strategy. I probably should have mentioned it when I saw my doctor this morning but I didn't.

(on a good note, my doctor signed me up for a government program that will fully cover the cost of my medication become I have a very low income. She's retiring next month and it makes me sad because she's been wonderful.)
Gypsymoth
I've been on Abilify for about three weeks and it's made my mood more stable and I've been generally happier, but it made me anxious and teary sometimes as well (if this makes any sense). Has anyone else had this weird combination of effects?
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