Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: *sigh* ........the depression thread
The BUST Lounge > Forums > Our Bodies, Our Hells
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28
bottleblack
Hey guys, I was wondering if there were any busties out there suffering from social anxiety/social phobia?? I've been dealing with this, and trying different meds.. well, paxil so far, but it did nothing. My doctor also prescribed me a drug called Klonopin which is sort of like Xanax in that it is for emergency short-term situations. I've tried this as well and it has no effect.
Just wondering if anyone has experience with this diagnosis?
persimmon_grrrl
hi bottleblack -

i don't have any specific experience with the meds you mentioned, but i think that my friend did at some point. recently, someone gave me bach's rescue remedy for my situational anxiety, and while i don't like it and it's like klonopin and only for really bad situations, apparently it helps. i only used it once, i think.

zoya, i'm glad you found something that helps you out.




i'm wondering how people deal with hating everybody, everything all of the time? it's a pretty generic and un-thought out emotion, "hate". and, it's as though only certain situations and people make me feel that angry and annoyed.

most of the time, around certain friends, i feel okay. but i realize that i'm very defensive and cranky a lot. i also have, within the last three years, found it very difficult to open up to and trust people. i seem to keep people at a - now unconscious - distance. and i don't really care about socializing anymore. i prefer my own company sometimes, but sometimes it's because i've given up trying to fight my anxiety and self-judgment to hang out with people.

i don't know, i guess i'm just rambling now.

olivarria
(((BUSTies)))

I've been needing to post here for awhile and I've been putting it off.....the fact is I'm becoming depressed and I'm in denial about it (again). So I'm just going to rant for a minute here......at first I thought there was no reason to feel this way, but I think it's because I have barely a shred of self-esteem, and I have social anxiety issues. I am all alone in a new city, and I know no one except my advisor and professors. I guess this is normal when you're in a new place, but I've been fine for the last couple months, until now. The loneliness is getting to me i think. It's a big school but I just don't know if I fit in here. I will be joining campus ACLU in Fall, so maybe that will help me meet people.

And I doubt my choices all the time. Like I could have gotten into a better, more prestigious school if I had tried, but I wanted to be near my family - and I like their psych program and women's studies center. I want to go to grad school but I'm starting to feel like I may be too dumb. I want to be a psychotherapist or a social worker, and it's been my dream forever, but I'm starting to feel like I'm kidding myself. I feel like I may never amount to anything at all. I feel ugly, fat (I know, I know), and socially awkward. Why? I don't know. I'm very self-conscious and shy, and I think I may be alone forever - I can't make friends if i don't even like myself. I don't think anyone would want to date me - I feel hideous. I feel abandoned by people who I thought cared about me. I just feel like staring into space, and laying in bed, with no motivation at all, and when I try to study the words just seem to blur in front of my eyes. Everything makes me cry. I see a new dr. on the 31st so maybe she can help me? Time will tell.....

Hugs and support vibes to everone!
stargazer
QUOTE(olivarria @ Jul 20 2008, 11:59 PM) *
And I doubt my choices all the time. Like I could have gotten into a better, more prestigious school if I had tried, but I wanted to be near my family - and I like their psych program and women's studies center. I want to go to grad school but I'm starting to feel like I may be too dumb. I want to be a psychotherapist or a social worker, and it's been my dream forever, but I'm starting to feel like I'm kidding myself. I feel like I may never amount to anything at all. I feel ugly, fat (I know, I know), and socially awkward. Why? I don't know. I'm very self-conscious and shy, and I think I may be alone forever - I can't make friends if i don't even like myself. I don't think anyone would want to date me - I feel hideous. I feel abandoned by people who I thought cared about me. I just feel like staring into space, and laying in bed, with no motivation at all, and when I try to study the words just seem to blur in front of my eyes. Everything makes me cry. I see a new dr. on the 31st so maybe she can help me? Time will tell.....


(((olivarria)))

gosh, i've been so depressed these past couple of days. my internship has really gotten me down. i never knew an experience could get to me like this. and i don't have the fighting spirit. i try to keep my head up and keep a positive outlook, but i feel like i'm drowning in my sorrow. i've haven't cried so much in the past couple of days. and even before i came on to post, i found myself crying in bed. i don't like feeling this way. i try to do things to distract myself, but i'm afraid i won't pass my internship. and the possibility is very real. i don't understand how 1 supervisory relationship could impact a whole experience and i feel totally helpless in the situation. i'm trying to remember what i can do to succeed....but, i just feel so incredibly lonely. i can't describe it. and the self doubt that i am encountering makes me question everything about myself. and i extend it to why i am single, etc, etc, etc.

and i agree olivarria...i just want to lie in bed, stare at the tv, and not do anything. i've been a fighter my whole life but this place has truly sucked my soul and my spirit. hence, my feeling of being deadlike.
snarky7
olivarria and star: keep your chins up! you are doing a lot to post here, reaching for someone. we are here! we can all read and feel for you.

i think i have slid again just a bit. i found myself sleeping a TON this weekend...going to bed by 8p Friday, and sleeping 12+ hours two nights in a row. i know that's a sign of depression for me. but can't quite seem to put my finger on what the trigger was this time...

speaking of sleep...that sounds really good.... night all!
olivarria
Thank you for your support, Snarky7 and Stargazer. It really helps just to hear someone say that. This is something that's going to come and go throughout my life; mental illness runs in my family so I just need to know how to deal with it. I am feeling better for the moment; I am seeing doctors for polycystic ovary syndrome and hypothyroid disorder this week, and I 'm starting to feel some hope for my health problems. this OBGYN I saw today made me feel tremendously better and more hopeful.

I saw a new psychiatrist and was not so lucky with him. I live in San Antonio and it's very difficult to find a psychiatrist here; they are usually booked 2-3 months in advance, and believe I called everyone in the city, but only one was open, and I had no choice but to see him because I am almost out of Lexapro (I just moved here). Now I know why he was open - because he is batshit crazy! I am thinking of reporting him! First he asked me to sign a paper saying that he can ask me any question that he wants. I told him I would sign it, but will not answer any question I felt was too private. He asked me all these questions that have nothing to do with clinical depression: he asked me when I lost my virginity, and asked me if I bled when I broke my hymen. He asked me if I kiss other girls, and if i have oral sex, also if I orgasm when i have sex. (I didn't answer these, i told him they weren't relevant).

No doctor has ever asked me about my hymen or my orgasms, let alone a psychiatrist. He then proceeded to recite a romantic poem to me in French. Yeah. He also said that the cause of my depression could not possibly be a chemical imbalance, and that mental illness could not be inherited from my father, because he doesn't believe in that. (He graduated medical school in the 1950's....I think he's 200 years old.) And he said if I did not bleed when I lost my virginity, then I could not have been a virgin, because a hymen can not be broken any other way than sex, not tampons or bike-riding, etc. He said I was either molested or not a virgin, and that I was probably molested or raped, which is why I must be depressed. He spent an hour talking to me about these things and all i wanted were my damn drugs. And he only have me a 30 day supply instead of 90-day, so that I would have to make an appointment in 30 days. I have to pay 50% of the bill, which is $65, and I can't afford this. What a creep. I am going to call him and tell him to call in a prescription for 60 more days.

I was going to maybe report him, but he looks about 90 years old; How much longer can he practice, really? He could croak any day now. He looks like a dinosaur. Should I report him?
snarky7
all i can say, olivarria, is EW! That is SO totally not right. I would have walked out, prescription be damned. Creepy questions, old guy. ew, ew, EW!

call or not, but definitely don't go back, please? for all of us....

hoping that things will turn around with your other visits this week. xo!
olivarria
I know I know! i desperately needed medicine, because I was starting to get the shakes and cry uncontrollably. I can't study without it because my brain goes numb and I can't think straight. My former doctor in Austin said he would not call in a prescription for me to the pharmacy because he hadn't seen me in 3 months. I called several mental health facilities and every dr. in the Yellow Pages, and they were all booked. I called most of them back in June, and was put on waiting lists. I hope to get an appointment with someone else soon, because 30 days is not too long.

I have been taking this medicine for a year and a half, and have been on various medicines for clinical depression and anxiety for almost 10 years. No reason he should need to see me every 30 days, unless he just wants more money. And I'll be damned if I'm going to pay $65 (he gets $130 an hour total) so that he can indulge in these pointless and perverted questions that don't even apply to my mental health. And I just checked online, his license to practice medicine expired 2 months ago! He specializes in hypnotherapy, which I think is totally hoaky (sp?). And he also insulted my weight, and asked way too many questions about my (lack of) belief in God. Sorry, I'm still venting because I'm really mad.

The worst thing is, I felt like I really needed help and to tell him how badly I was feeling, my symptoms, etc. and I didn't feel comfortable telling him what was happening. In the end I just wanted my drugs. Blech! But I won't go back i promise! i am hunting for a new dr. tomorrow.
candycane_girl
olivarria, I would definitely report him! That is fucking crazy. I have seen a few psychiatrists in my time and while one did ask me questions about sex (I think it was because I was experiencing depression at such a young age and it could have affected me) none of them have ever asked me such inappropriate questions!

I know it's horrible to be on a waiting list but please just hold out if you can.
olivarria
I am seeing an endicrinologist today and FINALLY getting my medicine adjusted for hypothyroid disorder, which might help with the depression (and weight gain - yuck!). I hope it will make me feel better. I feel like I'm whining continuously, but I just don't feel like me. I want to cry over everything, and I feel totally unmotivated. I want to sleep constantly, and I don't even want to write my stories anymore. I just called that doctor's office and I was told I couldn't have any refills until he sees me in a month, which is not gonna happen!

Oh, I completely forgot to post that he also asked me if I have orgies, and showed me a very thorough demonstration with his fingers of a hymen being perforated and torn, although I made it clear I know what a hymen is and didn't need him to show me. I can't this this image out of my mind and it scares me! Then he stopped in the middle of our discussion, and said, "Hold on, I have to write a poem." I'm like, okay, I'll wait. I thought it was worth posting that, just for the entertainment value alone! And Candycane I will think about reporting him. For some reason it's just really hard for me to do that to someone so ancient, who looks like he's knocking on heaven's door, you know? I bet he's a grandpa!

I hope things start looking up soon. Oh wait they are! The campus counseling center has doctors that can prescribe medicine once I start coming in for consulations! Yippee! And free counseling! See I'm happier already!

Snarky and Stargazer, are you both feeling any better today? (((HUGS and support vibes)))
stargazer
olivarria, wow. i have no words to say to this doctor. i think you should report him. get a copy of this consent form. he is breaking alot of ethical violations. terrible behavior. i'm so sorry. can you ask you PCP or endo for a script for lexapro? just explain that you are waiting for a psychiatrist appointment, that you are in between doctors, new to the area....this way you will be ok until you visit with a new doc? plus, ask for a referral. i'm so sorry you had to go through that experience.

and thanks for asking how i am doing. i just needed to allow myself to feel bad and cry. i cried alot these past days. and i still get teary eyed at times. i didn't realize it was humanly possible to cry as much as i did.

can i share a pet peeve of mine. i get annoyed when i'm feeling really depressed and someone says some terrible BS line like everything will be ok. sometimes i'm like, "wow you have never experienced depression or been depressed in your life?" when i'm down in that hole, i just need my space and i will eventually get out of my rut. i just need someone to listen to me. i know people mean well and think it is helpful, but it's not. plus, i think they are really trying to soothe their own anxiety about not making me feel good.

*sigh*

that being said. i am feeling better. i've done alot of letting go of things today. things are not clearer, but i feel better than yesterday if that counts.
auralpoison
Aw. (((((Busties)))))

You know you can shout me a holla anythime you need to, right, Stargazer?

Olivarria, grandpa or no, that was fucked up & wholly unethical. But, I can understand your not wanting to turn him in. A chiropractor I went to once said weird sexual things to me even though he knew my parents & knew me as a toddler on up. I said something to my mom about it, she said he always said weird sexual shit to her, too. No biggie. Like, "You were naked except for your draws & a johnnie & felt vulnerable & uncomfortable, but for pete's sake don't make a stink about it." I was young & stupid & just never went back again. I should have twisted his balls & then never went back again.

I hate it when people say shit like that, Stargazer. When I was in hospital, the nurses kept giving me shit over one of my few remaining OCD tics. Like I can just "stop" doing it. Half the time I don't even know I'm doing it & it's not like it hurts anybody. I remember once being on a trip with a friend where she doubted people's (Read: MY) needs for medication whilst depressed (Depression is common with OCD, we just look really functional sometimes). Her logic was, "I was depressed when I broke up with X, but I got over it without antidepressants." Yes, because that was cause & effect. You're not depressed because the seratonin or whatever in your brain isn't right. We argued & argued until I put things into a perspective she could understand. And then she still didn't understand & got mad at me for pointing out one of her flaws & I got out of the car & smoked a cigarette.
snarky7
yay olivarria for campus counseling availability! i'm feeling better for you already. thank god for never having to go back to creepy guy.

and star and aural - i totally get you both. people don't understand the depression, it doesn't always help to talk, sometimes you just want to be alone, or other times peoples' generalism of "everything's gonna work out" just pisses you right off....

thanks for checking in with us, olivarria - i've had a pretty decent weekend thus far. me and snarkyboy got WAY OUTTA town and tried a new locale. nice day today, tho i get angry with myself for being short with him sometimes (that's for another thread). i did notice a moment today tho, in the midst of fun, i found myself "drifting" in my thoughts about not being included in something back home. that's a bit depressive maybe...wishing things that would never be would be - wishing things were better in certain areas of my life - not being good enough to be asked to participate in events i'd like to be included in....

sigh.

i took a Myers-Briggs exam this last week and understand more about me tho - my Introverted side is a little troubling when i surround myself with extroverts. that's maybe what gets me into my depressive states? just thinking aloud....

((((HUGS to the BUSTIES))))
starship
I was doing fine but now my ex keeps trying to get in touch. apologising and wanting to know how I am. Why can't he realise how shit it makes me feel and leave me the hell alone.
I've been totally over-senstive all day and taken everything to heart.
I feel like telling everybody to fuck off. argh I hate how my depression turns me into such a mean, miserable person.
gah, I want to hide in a hole somewhere for a few days
sorry for the rant, wasn't sure where to put it:/
and olivarria- report! that's disgusting behaviour for a so called professional no matter how old they may be

girltrouble
(((((starship))))
i'm falling deeper into depression. i'm supposed to be happy and excited working towards my art show a week from today, and i can't draw, i can't paint and i need to have lots of smaller, cheap paintings to sell so i can make next month's rent. unemployment keeps sending me the same paper work, stalling any payments, and my bills are starting to pile up, and it looks like i'm permenently laid off from the one job i've loved in years. i don't eat, i'm lucky if i can make myself eat once a day, i just can't really bring myself to eat more than a few bites. about the only thing i do do is sleep. i'm starting to get little crying fits if i think about things too much...

...but i don't look for a job. i just do everything i can not to do anything. i've lived in this apartment that i love for 10 years, but it's like i'm looking to get kicked out. it's like i've got this death wish. before i transitioned, i always worried about being a homeless transexual-- i've been homeless before and i met a few homeless t-girls when i first came out, and i saw how hard it is to bounce back from that, they all became drug addicts and gave up. but i seem to be gunning for that. i just seem to be paralized. i don't want to do anything to stop the slide....
Moonpieluv
((Starship)) Every now and again, my ex of almost 7 years "checks" in on me. asks me "are you ok?". I get especially frustrated with that cause things are not going wonderfully in my life right now... and according to what he says, things are just peachy with his.. good job, new gf, new band, great apt downtown, going to school, etc. My first reaction is that he does this to gauge whether he's happier with his life than I am. A game of who's doing better. I choose to just tell him everything is going smoothly. lie.
Don't let him have power over you in this situation. The compare/contrast of who's happier is such a shit game on your well-being. thwart it at all costs.

((GT))
A friend told me recently to just keep pressing on no matter how much it sucks. easier said than done, yes... but when you keep drilling the brain with "keep truckin" obsessively, over and over... somehow it makes it be. Or at least, that's what keeps me from just giving in to extended sobbing in the shower with my head between my knees. I think the fact that you can make your living from art is something to be entirely grateful for... Job hunting is one of the hardest things to deal with emotionally. I friggin hate to job hunt... and I must keep truckin, if you will, if I'm to make the kinda money I need to be independent once again. I gotta wait the tables. I need real, fast cash. And I figure the more I work, the more I might be able to pull myself from this fantasy grave that I dug for myself.
I have no car, a crappy part-time retail job, am far away from my closest friends and family (at least I have one gal to hang with about once a month), am in debt, am without the means to get myself by to school for my MAT (which could prove fruitless in the end anyway), and have a guy to ignores me.. who chooses to play computer games via phone with his loser troll friend than to be with me on any given night. Who didn't even listen to me when I told him how much this hurts me, and has been hurting me for months now. He thinks simple petting or a few kisses here and there will suffice. Is the most he will do, and thinks that eliminates his need to compromise.
I will have to depend on my parents once again. I will have to pick up and start over once again. I will have others shaking their heads and saying "she just can't seem to get it together, can she?"
So, the slipping , the sliding ,as you mentioned, can be so tempting in a weird way. I have had many days where I just don't care to do anything. Everything bores me. why not just sleep?
Just think of the courage it took for you to transition. The honesty and committment it took. I say you are damn special, GT. That's for certain.
We all love the poop outta you. And send me some pics of your art. I'm buyin.
mornington
(((starship))) here seems a good place to rant.

(((moonpie)))

(((gt))) I wanna see your art! And I'd second moonpie's advice - sometimes keep truckin' is the only thing. I do the whole procrastination over everything when I'm in a rut and... sometimes I do one thing, then reward myself (ice-cream, takeaway dinner, watching a film, stupid shit that I'm like "I can't do X until I've done Y or Z). Sometimes it is too easy to just give up and let it slide, but you're stronger than that, even if you don't think so right now.

(((olivarria))) yay for campus counselling!

(((star and aural))) I'm always reminded of this when people talk crap like that.

fuck I'm tired. And I'm tired of pretending I'm not tired too. I know work thinks I should be doing more hours - when I felt better I asked if I could have another hour, but they never gave them to me - and I hate saying "no, I can't do any cover" because I'm so fucking tired I can barely stand, can't stay awake in my own fucking lessons, because they look at me like I've grown another head.

I ended up going to casualty last week, after dropping a utility knife on my foot (no, I'm not self-harming, I've told you and the other eighteen nurses I've spoken too, do you not take notes? Is this a crap version of the spanish inquisition)... the nurse practitioner who did my stitches asked me to look into the possibility of finding what's causing my tiredness, 'cos her first thought was "this girl has chronic fatigue syndrome". So, what I'm really asking is, does anyone have any experience with ME/CFS?

excuse me while I go back to sleep now.
rubberdollz
Mornington have you ever had your thyroid tested for the tiredness you feel? Seriously I think a lot of women have low thyroid problems but we don't even realize it.

A few months ago I was so f*ng tired all the time. I got depressed and couldn't get out of feeling that way. I had a friend ask me if I ever tried doing chants... like looking in a mirror and telling myself that I want to feel better. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had heard how the hell could telling myself to feel better work? Plus it's not like I was sitting around telling myself that I like being this way. I hate being tired all of the time, I had no motivation to even get up and go to work every day. I was taking a ton of time off work. Felt like shit, looked like shit and felt there was nothing more than shitty days ahead.

My parents even got concerned when I told them I was tired. Too tired to do anything. Being tired all of the damn time makes you depressed after a while because you don't want to move. I was barely sleeping at night as well which was making me an irritable crabby bitch, I started fights with my husband all the time because I was too tired and irritated to want to even speak to him. Seriously what the f*?!?!?

So time goes on and one day I decided to get off my birth control I had been on for 12 years. I decided that I needed to get healthy and birth control was not in my future. I started charting which is taking my temperature at the same time every morning and noticed that my temperature was at the low 96 degree point.... low temperatures that are constant like that can usually mean hypothyroid. I even called my doctor to ask about a possible thyroid problem and she stated there was no issue. So I saw my homeopath who gave me iodine drops. I take 3-5 drops a day in a tiny glass of water and I'll tell you... I call them my magic drops. It's amazing how a tiny little drop of something so simple can literally change the way you feel. So I'm not tired anymore, I sleep great. I do get a little depressed around my time of the month but nothing like what it was.

Sorry about the ranting ladies.
~Undine~
-
hopeless425
[font="Tahoma"][/font] i hate my life. ughghghghghghgh

how do i just become happy? why cant i just BE happy? people are normally just happy right?
everything blaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk what i was going to say. i hate my life that much.
stargazer


bleh. i hate having disturbed sleep. i've been waking up during the night during the week crying. i feel so tired during the day. i think part of it is just trying to get through the day at a place i really despise. i know this depression is situational. it is hard for me to keep up my strength.

on that note, i guess i should get back to sleep.
Queen Bull
i sleep to much because it hurts to get out of bed. i fake it because im always on the verge of tears. i lash out to feel something. *sigh* i need to fix me....
bob4both
Queen bull, I can relate...

I have anger at...well, I don't really know what, or why. I can't seem to do anything right at home. My mate is a packrat and if i take action to clear/clean it up, I screw up (last night I cleared out our email, some unread from April!), but today I got my ass chewed for it cuz she was "getting around to doing it"; like the piles of mail, bills, catalogs, etc. lying around. If I leave it all alone I only cultivate my anger & frustration to the point of total withdrawal (I'm not the violent type so lashing out is out of the question. But my passive-aggressive nature is no better, I'm sure). Many times I just fight back the tears of frustration; other times I climb into a corner & give in to the emotion. And to top it all off, I have no desire for her anymore but there's now a coworker who is making very overt advances towards a sexual relationship (coincidence? I think not. Just part of some poltergiest/nymph/satan/god's plan to draw me deeper. How's that for a depression & paranoia?
Queen Bull
QUOTE(bob4both @ Aug 21 2008, 12:32 PM) *
Queen bull, I can relate...

I have anger at...well, I don't really know what, or why. I can't seem to do anything right at home. My mate is a packrat and if i take action to clear/clean it up, I screw up (last night I cleared out our email, some unread from April!), but today I got my ass chewed for it cuz she was "getting around to doing it"; like the piles of mail, bills, catalogs, etc. lying around. If I leave it all alone I only cultivate my anger & frustration to the point of total withdrawal (I'm not the violent type so lashing out is out of the question. But my passive-aggressive nature is no better, I'm sure). Many times I just fight back the tears of frustration; other times I climb into a corner & give in to the emotion. And to top it all off, I have no desire for her anymore but there's now a coworker who is making very overt advances towards a sexual relationship (coincidence? I think not. Just part of some poltergiest/nymph/satan/god's plan to draw me deeper. How's that for a depression & paranoia?


I know what you mean. Im usually passive agressive, but the thing that gets me is that the people i care about most, i have no problem lashing out at. How backwards is that? Sometimes giving into emotion and hiding in a corner sounds like an amazing idea. Of course, once i get to that corner, everything is repressed again. *sigh* Good luck with your coworker, sounds like that poltergiest/nymph/satan/god may have it in for you. How long have you and your mate been together? once i really started falling back into this cycle i cut off all my emotional romantic attachments, which of course may be part of my quest for self sabotage, but i am of the school that thinks some things need to be done only having to focus on yourself. But then again, im too young to have any real experience there. smile.gif

((((((*many hugs and much support*))))))
bob4both
Yes, Queen Bull; it's a terrible feeling & position to be in. I had a friend who was going through a divorce. He would call me daily with stories of emotional breakdowns at his work where he'd just begin crying & walk off the line. I couldn't understand it at all. When he's in a relationship he's the happiest guy in the world & I hardly ever hear from him. But when he's in trouble...

I could never understand it; always saw it as a weakness. I am sure he has a severe case of co-dependency, But what's up with me cuz I'm not doing much better during my episodes and I just want to be alone. Depression, I'm sure. I can't even listen to upbeat or inspirational music without feeling angry because what the song expresses is something I can't, or won't allow myself, to have. It's only for a season though. Sometimes days, sometimes weeks, & I snap out of it. This time it has been going on for 3 weeks. The more my mate (of several years) tries to help, the more I resent it. I'll prob. drive her away; but the way I feel when I'm in my funk I couldn't really care cuz emotional pain & self-pity has become a close friend of mine at times like this.

Gosh, re-reading this I sound like such an ass! But thanx for the support wishes. Same to you
Queen Bull
Bob, I know exactly what you mean. My father, actually both my parents, have been battling with situational (?) depression, as well as jsut general major depression for my entire life. Using their experiences, they both go through periods where they push each other away, but i think that everything will turn out all right for you and your mate.
and you dont sound like an ass, especially when i get where you are coming from. smile.gif
olivarria
Ugh I feel really really terrible. I forgot to take my Lexapro and Wellbutrin for like 3 days ( i know, stupid move, I was just kind of distracted). I am now having the worst withdrawal symptoms ever. To top it off I have a cold and can't quit sneezing. I am getting painful twitches and feel like there are bugs on my skin, and feel lots of adrenaliine-type feelings in my head, like I'm manic andpanicky. I'm having a hard time typing even, and noises/bright lights are scaring me me, as if I have a migraine. I feel like my skin is crawling and my head is racing, i can't even carry out nomal tasks, and i just took a double dose of my medicine and 3 Advils so i can start feeling better right away. Now there is a thunderstorm which is scaring me half to death! Any advice? I will feel better soon i hope! I'm going to eat some oatmeal and lie down.
dani1983
I have a little question... I think I might be super depressed, like "I need meds" kind of depressed, or maybe it's just me being a Libra, I don't know...but I've heard that you can go to the doctor to get diagnosed with this. My question is, does it has to be a doctor with a speciality or your regular primary care physician? I haven't gone to the doctor in like 5 years, so first I have to get a new doc here haha! but yeah, can i ask him about it?
thirtiesgirl
QUOTE(dani1983 @ Aug 25 2008, 08:26 PM) *
I have a little question... I think I might be super depressed, like "I need meds" kind of depressed, or maybe it's just me being a Libra, I don't know...but I've heard that you can go to the doctor to get diagnosed with this. My question is, does it has to be a doctor with a speciality or your regular primary care physician? I haven't gone to the doctor in like 5 years, so first I have to get a new doc here haha! but yeah, can i ask him about it?

A psychologist or psychiatrist are the best people to prescribe anti-depressants. First, find a general practitioner (your primary doctor) and in your first appointment, mention your feelings of depression and ask your primary doctor to recommend a good psychologist or psychiatrist. Your doctor may try to prescribe anti-depressants for you, but I'd strongly recommend getting the prescription from a psychologist/psychiatrist - someone who's had more training to diagnose depression than a general practitioner. Before the psychologist prescribes anti-depressants, they need to 'interview' you - ask you a few questions about how and what you're feeling, what your situation is, etc. I'd also seriously recommend finding a therapist to talk with to help monitor your progress while taking anti-depressants. Not everyone has the same reaction to certain medications, so if you find certain side effects happening or they're not working the way you want, it's good to have a therapist to help talk you through it and help you figure out what the issue is with the medication you're taking. Then you can return to the psychologist/psychiatrist with a better perspective of what's happening with the medication, and be better able to tell them what's going on so they can prescribe something different that may work better.

Not to mention, talk therapy is an excellent way to help deal with depression. The medication deals with the chemicals in your brain that are causing the depression, but talk therapy will help you work through your emotions. If money is an issue, or your health care won't cover personal therapy, I'd recommend finding a community counseling center that has sliding scale fees, which means the amount you pay your therapist each week is based on how much you can afford. They usually discuss that during your intake appointment at the counseling center, to find out what your monthly income is and how much you feel you can pay per session. Then they'll usually quote you a fee, and if you feel it's too much, you can ask them to lower it, which they usually will. Then they'll work on setting you up with a therapist, hopefully within the next week or two. If it takes longer than that, I'd recommend finding another community counseling center who has more therapists available to help. Once you're set up with a therapist, make sure it's someone you're comfortable with. You can always ask the counseling center to set you up with another therapist, someone who's a better fit for you.

Big hugs to you and strength. You're doing the right thing. The first step is recognizing the issue, and recognizing that you sometimes can't do it alone. There is help.
gradgal
Good advice thirtiesgirl, but I just want to clarify one thing.

I agree that when someone is feeling depressed it is important to get a referral to see someone who has specialized knowledge regarding the treatment of mental health issues (psychologist or psychiatrist), but add that the roles that psychiatrists and psychologists play in the treatment of mental health issues are different/not interchangeable.

Both psychiatrists and psychologists can conduct a mental health assessment in order to determine whether or not symptoms meet criteria for a formal diagnosis and both can 'diagnose' a mental health problem. However, the treatment that each profession provides is different.

Psychiatrists, trained as as medical doctors who specialized in mental health, can prescribe medications but are less likely to provide a patient with psychotherapy. After the initial intake/interview they are likely to provide a diagnosis and then prescribe medication if required. If medication is prescribed, regular follow-up appointments should be scheduled to ensure that the patient is on the right dosage/not experiencing any harmful side effects from the medication that they are on.

Psychologists are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication. They have obtaind a phd, often in clinical psychology, and specialize in the assessment and treatment of mental health issues. They conduct an assessment to determine the breath of symptoms experienced and are much more likely to provide brief therapy, such as cognitive behavior therpay, talk therapy etc., to treat. Therapy focusses more on the thoughts and behaviours that are contributing to feelings of depression.

Sometimes psychiatrists and psychologists work together as part of a multidisciplinary team so that medication (if required) and psychotherapy can be used in conjunction.

thirtiesgirl
QUOTE(gradgal @ Aug 26 2008, 06:47 AM) *
Psychologists are not medical doctors and cannot prescribe medication. They have obtaind a phd, often in clinical psychology, and specialize in the assessment and treatment of mental health issues. They conduct an assessment to determine the breath of symptoms experienced and are much more likely to provide brief therapy, such as cognitive behavior therpay, talk therapy etc., to treat. Therapy focusses more on the thoughts and behaviours that are contributing to feelings of depression.

True, although I have known psychologists who do prescribe anti-depressants. But they focus on talk therapy as well and will offer to provide it, which a psychiatrist doesn't do.
gradgal
Thirtiesgirl, I think our perspectives on what psychologists can and cannot do is dependent in part on the country we live in. In Canada, psychologists cannot/do not have authority to prescribe any medication. It is prohibited by law, the Canadian Code of Ethics, and the College that governs all registered psychologists. I now see that some states do allow for the prescription of medication by psychologists so long as they have additional training and supervision.

Interesting given that psychologists' ability/licence to prescribe medication remains quite a controversial issue amongst many licenced psychologists and training programs.


Queen Bull
i dont know that this necessarily makes or breaks any point expressed here, but psychologists can refer you to get a prescription from a general doctor and vice versa, they can prescribe meds with a referral and proof of psychologist visits. Psychiatrists can do both and their treatment is based on meds a lot more than the different types of therapy offered by Psychologists. I also am pretty sure as a result they have to go through a residency and such. at least thats what my research said when i was in school.
Phlea
Hi All,

I looked around & wasn't sure where to post - here or in the health & diet thread...sorry if this is the wrong place.

I'm 30, 5 foot 4 and am bigger than I've ever been - around 165lbs.
6 years ago I weighed 125 and then put on a normal amount of weight when I was pregnant with my daughter.
After a couple of years I had lost maybe 10 to 15lbs of the babyfat and things were going fine.

Suddenly a year later I started putting it on and on and on and I'm not really sure what happened.

Mr Phlea had been trying to tell me for a couple of years that things seemed different, that maybe I was depressed... My periods became heavier & PMS has come do dominate most of any given month (before, during & sometimes after) - cramps are insanely intense and leave me feeling totally nauseous & my bowels a complete mess. My mood swings are from happy, a little teary to totally batshit crazy. The worst part is when I take it out on my daughter (oh, and my husband). I feel overwhelmed & like everything about my life sucks and will never get better. Helpless.

And then it gets better & I try to ignore how I felt the week before...until the next cycle begins.

I don't have a problem with being overweight. The bigger boobs are great. But I do have a problem with the closet of clothes that I love but can't fit into. And I have a problem with how much harder everything is - the extra exertion it takes to do any given task. And the fact that I obsessively untag any photo friends post of me on Facebook - because they're all just so unbearable.

I finally got it together enough to start riding my bike to work every day and it feels really good.
I hate all the traffic & people on my way to the daycare after work but it still beats riding transit with all those horrible people.

I don't have a family doctor right now, though my parents swear they've found a really awesome one I should see. And I don't have a shrink right now either. I used to see "Fred" who was the psychiatrist who saved my parents' marriage, but he's kind of friends with my dad & leaked info to my dad *which* while it wasn't top secret or anything it just totally made me feel like I couldn't talk to him. (Here in Ontario psychiatrists are fully covered by our healthcare system, so I'd opt for that over paying for a psychologist).

I was totally blind to all these things being related until a few months ago...I'm not sure what opened my eyes, but it just suddenly seemed so obvious. That the weight gain & crazy periods & depression = hormones out of whack or something...

So uh, yeah. Sorry for being so longwinded!

Hi to everyone here - I did the brief hello in the newbies thread, but this is my first real post.
thirtiesgirl
QUOTE(Phlea @ Aug 26 2008, 09:03 AM) *
I don't have a problem with being overweight. The bigger boobs are great. But I do have a problem with the closet of clothes that I love but can't fit into. And I have a problem with how much harder everything is - the extra exertion it takes to do any given task. And the fact that I obsessively untag any photo friends post of me on Facebook - because they're all just so unbearable.

Despite your protestations to the contrary, your last sentence suggests to me that you do, in fact, have an issue with being 'overweight.' I'm your same height and would be considered quite healthy by my general health practitioner if I weighed 165 lbs (yes, the secret's out - I weigh more than 165! Horrors!). In fact, I would consider that an average weight for someone of my height, anywhere between 150-165. That said, though, since you have worries about your weight, energy levels, mood swings, bowel movements and menses, my recommendation would be to find a general practitioner and discuss those issues with him or her and see what s/he recommends, besides more exercise and eating in moderation.
dani1983
QUOTE(thirtiesgirl @ Aug 26 2008, 12:55 AM) *
A psychologist or psychiatrist are the best people to prescribe anti-depressants. First, find a general practitioner (your primary doctor) and in your first appointment, mention your feelings of depression and ask your primary doctor to recommend a good psychologist or psychiatrist. Your doctor may try to prescribe anti-depressants for you, but I'd strongly recommend getting the prescription from a psychologist/psychiatrist - someone who's had more training to diagnose depression than a general practitioner. Before the psychologist prescribes anti-depressants, they need to 'interview' you - ask you a few questions about how and what you're feeling, what your situation is, etc. I'd also seriously recommend finding a therapist to talk with to help monitor your progress while taking anti-depressants. Not everyone has the same reaction to certain medications, so if you find certain side effects happening or they're not working the way you want, it's good to have a therapist to help talk you through it and help you figure out what the issue is with the medication you're taking. Then you can return to the psychologist/psychiatrist with a better perspective of what's happening with the medication, and be better able to tell them what's going on so they can prescribe something different that may work better.

Not to mention, talk therapy is an excellent way to help deal with depression. The medication deals with the chemicals in your brain that are causing the depression, but talk therapy will help you work through your emotions. If money is an issue, or your health care won't cover personal therapy, I'd recommend finding a community counseling center that has sliding scale fees, which means the amount you pay your therapist each week is based on how much you can afford. They usually discuss that during your intake appointment at the counseling center, to find out what your monthly income is and how much you feel you can pay per session. Then they'll usually quote you a fee, and if you feel it's too much, you can ask them to lower it, which they usually will. Then they'll work on setting you up with a therapist, hopefully within the next week or two. If it takes longer than that, I'd recommend finding another community counseling center who has more therapists available to help. Once you're set up with a therapist, make sure it's someone you're comfortable with. You can always ask the counseling center to set you up with another therapist, someone who's a better fit for you.

Big hugs to you and strength. You're doing the right thing. The first step is recognizing the issue, and recognizing that you sometimes can't do it alone. There is help.


thanks so much for your words! Yes, I know I definitely have to go see a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I've only been to a psychologist once before, and that's when I was told I was hemo-phobic. I do have insurance too, I wonder if it covers a psychologist???
deluca
Hello,

I haven't been to the lounge in quite some time. Sorry to completely dump but I don't know what else to do. I don't really have anyone or anywhere else to talk to about this without either having them think I am completely crazy (which I am) or have them put me away in some asylum. I want to preface everything with, on the outside in a completely rational mindset, I am very lucky and fortunate. I know this logically, but emotionally this could not be further from the truth.
I'm coming up on my 35th birthday and I really don't know if I want to continue living. I have been dealing with depression from the age of 10 although at the time I had no idea why I felt the way I did. My depression went undiagnosed "professionally" until I was about 26.
I've tried a plethora of antidepressants. Some have helped but if so, very little. I've tried various therapist and cognitive therapy that did not really seem to work...although I wish it did and still feel that if I could possibly find a good therapist would help. The trek to find one seems painstakingly long and tedious and I'm already too exhausted with life to feel I can put much energy into it.
I have no self-esteem and feel completely worthless, pathetic, awkward, and uncomfortable in front of people most days and have felt this way since I was young. My rational mind can "list" all of my good attributes and reasons as to why I am an intelligent, qualified, and worthwhile person but my other side can begin to create a doubled list of why this isn't so.
My self-esteem is very precarious and seems to hinge on what other people (not matter who they are) think and say about me. Again, rationally I know this should not be the case. One off comment can completely ruin not just my day but week. Because of this I am extremely sensitive to what others say/think and tend to tip toe around others so as not to make the "wrong" decision or say the "wrong" thing. I change faces depending on who I am talking with/to. The only person who really seems to see me is my husband. I am my real self around him and I oftentimes wonder why he even chooses to be with me.
On paper, I look good. I am relatively attractive- or so I had been told in the past, I have traveled around the world, and have received a Masters from a fairly prestigious college. But oftentimes, I feel people are disappointed when they get to really know me. Employers always seem disappointed and I'm never able to do the right thing, present things properly or make them happy. Sometimes I'm so consumed with pleasing them that I can not focus on the task that needs to be done. Because I see this, I know what I need to do to change things, but when it comes down to doing it my body/personality/mouth go on autopilot.
Until recently, I knew all of this but had hope that "one day, when I get older, get out of college, get a better job, finally change my behavior I'll be able to live the life I dream of without always being overly aware of myself." Recently, I realized that my mother is just like me and has not changed and also that I'm tired. Really tired. The problem is that I'm tired of working on myself but I am also tired of being myself. I don't like me but no matter how much I see what I need to do to change the problems, I can't ever seem to make the changes. It is as if an alien takes over during these times while I sit outside of my body and watch it happen. I know what I need to do to change but I just....can't....make....it ...happen.
I don't know what anyone can say to make it better but I needed to air this out to the universe. Hopefully, the universe will give me some sort of power to make changes. Not sure.
Phlea
ThirtiesGirl - I guess you're right, I hadn't really looked at it like that.

In that case, add denial to my list of issues...lol.
stargazer
QUOTE(deluca @ Aug 27 2008, 02:39 AM) *
But oftentimes, I feel people are disappointed when they get to really know me. Employers always seem disappointed and I'm never able to do the right thing, present things properly or make them happy. Sometimes I'm so consumed with pleasing them that I can not focus on the task that needs to be done. Because I see this, I know what I need to do to change things, but when it comes down to doing it my body/personality/mouth go on autopilot.


whoa deluca, that's how i feel about my current training experience. why my self esteem has totally plummeted by this situation?? i can empathize with this. i don't have any words of wisdom. and i also relate with the ideas of thinking why i should go on living. in fact, that has happened often in the past 2 weeks. support is a great thing. i talked with my mom. i'm still low on energy, but i'm just trying to focus on getting through today really. that's all i can do. i hope you have someone to talk to. keep posting in here if it helps.


phlea, i'm so sorry that your previous doctor broke confidentiality by talking with your dad. that's terrible. it would be great to work with someone who specializes with eating disorders. not that i think you have an eating disorder, but a person with that background can help you with body acceptance issues. i hope you can find support in other threads that address body image issues as well. welcome to the lounge!

bob4both, have you gone for therapy to address your anger? is your mate open to couples therapy? it sounds like you have insight into your own behavior. i'm not sure of the dynamics of your relationship.

olivarria, i've never heard of withdrawals from lexapro. i've taken it and have stopped at times or forgotten myself. i could be wrong. you might want to mention these side effects to your doc. i hope you are doing better.

dani, good luck with finding a doc!

in terms of my depression, man, i never thought i possessed the ability to cry as much as i have in the past 2 weeks.
olivarria
I've been taking my Lexapro regularly now and I'm still having these symptoms, but to a lesser extent. I'm starting to cry all the time, it's very hard to control, and I want to go to sleep all the time. I don't want to do dishes or laundry or even function at all. I forget what I'm doing even while I'm doing it, because I'm off in la-la land. School started yesterday and i have 5 classes, I have to get it together. I see my psychiatrist, OBGYN (i just got diagnosed as PCOS), and my endocrinologist for hypothyroid. I want to get treated ASAP for all of these because I feel really foggy and depressed, like I'm just not here. I am hiding my depression from my roommate, because I don't know her very well yet, and I keep telling her I'm sick. I just can't stop crying. And heres what a dumbass I am: i had a counseling appt. today and I overslept, and missed it. That was really dumb. So now i have to go next week. Ugh!
Muffy
I've been a mess lately. I was going to take a friend's advice and see a therapist. I had mentioned it she didn't just tell me I need one. Though if she did I would've had to agree with her. I haven't been sleeping, eating very little, I can't seem to think straight on many occasions.

Then I just went and did something really awful to a friend. I said some really awful things about her to another friend via online. Long story short she read it! It was up on my best friends' computer. I should've never never never said the things I did. I was upset and have been really stressed but I still don't feel I even have an excuse. Its not an excuse. I fucked up. I don't think she will ever forgive me.

Now I lost my job. I did everything everything this job asked me to! clean the bathroom - sure thing! run to the hardware store - right on it. I had just gotten this job after job hunting for year! and now I have to somehow survive on a part-time retail job paycheck.

I'm beside myself. Now I don't think I can pay for the therapy I know I need. I should've gotten it a long time ago - before I fucked up with this friend. I know I should've talked to someone - but I just tried to handle it myself and I had no money anyhow, so I just kept putting it off. Now I fucked up a friendship and probably this job.
neurotic.nelly
(((muffy)))

eta: ((((hugs to all depressed busties))) i hadn't read through all the posts the other day, sorry, i know muffy isn't the only one in the hole.
Queen Bull
(((((((muffy)))))))


((((((olivarra))))))

((((((star)))))))

((((((dani)))))))

((((phlea)))

(((deluca))))

((hugs to all busties and anyone i forgot))
Muffy
*hugs* to Queen Bull & neurotic.nelly
& all the busties.
olivarria
Muffy, are you doing okay? I read your post and it sounds like you're going through a really difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you. I know it's not so easy, but remember no matter how bad things are, they can't stay that way permanently, it's impossible (i try to remember this during my lowest points!). Also, there are sometimes free or reduced price counseling services that you can take advantage of. I put off therapy all the time and try to handle things myself, because I am stubborn, so i can relate! try to hang in there. I am terrible at giving advice but i hope it helps a little. *sends good thoughts*

Deluca, dump all you want - that's what this thread is for! We're here to support eachother. Things you said like feeling awkward, having no self-esteem, and having depression from a very young age mimics my life story. I'm very shy and scared of social situations, and seem to care what others think even though I have no logical reason to value their opinion. I read your post and wanted to give you a big hug because I relate so much. I'm starting to realize, my whole life, as i let myself be hurt or filled up by what people think of me, I'm basically making them responsible for how i feel, and giving them permission to hurt me by just giving me a dirty look or saying something mean to me. Why do i give them all this power when I don't even know them? I've come to realize that i don't want others to control how i feel, and I'm trying to own my feelings about myself, rather than letting others own them. No one is responsible for my self-esteem, just me....i need to accept that. I mean, it's my life, not theirs, right? No matter what, there will always be people who don't like me, so i should do what i want. of course this is easier said than done, and I know how difficult it is to not believe the negative stuff. it's so much harder to believe positive opinions and compliments about me. I always feel they're made up, or just being nice. I don't know if this helps you at all, but i just wanted to get, my thoughts on the matter.

I myself am doing better now, and thank everyone who posted positive messages. School has started, and I am busier, staying on a regular schedule. Sleeping at night, instead of daytime (this doesn't come naturally, because I am a night-owl.) Getting out of the house, having social contact helps. I feel like myself now, other than health problems, which I'm trying to resolve. I feel really alive and hopeful, and looking forward to things right now. Hope things are getting better for the rest for you.

(((Everyone)))
Muffy
deluca, I can relate. I've never gone to any kind of therapy or psychiatric treatment, though I've felt many of the things you've described... since I was about 15 or 16. Some days I'm perfectly fine and others not so much. I constantly worry too much about what others think, many times I actually convince myself that they dislike me when they don't. I wonder if its just human nature to be concerned with what others think, not to a degree where you can't function, but I think everyone worries a little bit, even if people say they don't. Humans are social beings. We need other people, and in that need for people we're going to be concerned of what they think.

I've heard sometimes you need to try many different kinds of therapy to find one that works for you as everyone is different.

I too see myself in my mother. Ugh. The other day I did something that is something she would do and I just hated myself which is when I vowed to finally go get help. She is unhappy and puts up a front but many times she is just mean and insensitive because she is unhappy with herself. I don't want to hurt people I love.

Olivarria, I guess I'm doing as well as expected. I talked to some friends. Of course the friend I got into a fight with isn't talking to me. Everyone keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine but I keep worrying that she is never going to forgive me for being such a mean person.

It being a holiday weekend obviously I couldn't really call around for therapy. I know one of the local hospitals gives discounted care and they offer psychiatric services. My school also has counselors who I should've talked to before this all got out of control.
stargazer
(((muffy))) sorry to hear things are not going well for you. sad.gif it is hard to have hope when the walls feel like they are caving in. i totally understand.

(((olivarria))) good to hear that you are feeling better. it sounds like things are picking up.


i am feeling better. getting away from the place of torment helps. i'm just trying to sleep, gain some perspective, and work on strengthening myself. i felt so deprived during my training year. argh. my mom was extremely helpful and mentioned how she thinks my current bout of depression is not because i am a depressed person, but because my situation is depressing for me. very true. my depression definitely seems situational right now. i'm just trying to get my strength back.


(((busties)))
Muffy
stargazer, I sort of talked to the friend I had a tiff with. When I say 'sort of talked' I mean she text messaged me, which is a start. I haven't actually talked to her. I'm going to try to call her today maybe. So I'm feeling a bit better about the situation with my friend.

In the meantime, I talked to a school counselor and made another appointment to talk with them next week as well. They told me that I need to see a doctor about my sleeping problems and lack of appetite because it could be a medical problem then again it may not be. So hopefully I'll start feeling a little better about about my life at some point.
i_am_jan
Deluca: I really hope things are moving in a better direction for you. Your post really rang out to me, pretty much described my feelings as well. I wonder if being around your mom so much screwed things up for you. My mom was from an extremely abusive home, and the cycle continued (the physical never as bad as the emotional/mental abuse), she passed the abuse and her depression, anxiety, down to me, and I have a hard time being a good person at times. Because of living right beside her, mimicing her behavioral patterns from a very young age, there are things I can't get away from. And I don't like being me. I never liked my mom, and I can't say I like the daughter she created much, either. People like her shouldn't have kids. I don't. I always feel like I should take the good parts of me and salvage my life as best I can. But it's really, really hard to just be myself around others. Because of the abusive mom, I got into a pattern of never being myself/saying how I *really* feel about any little, tiny thing, as a defense mechanism, hiding my feelings/who I am, in order to just survive. I had to walk on eggshells. I had to be a fake person (ONLY a person who would not press a wrong button and piss someone off because they would hurt me bad. So now, even though I try so hard (as you say) to be the person I truly am, say the things I really, feel...the truth is, I can't even *FEEL* my true self around other people. I can only feel myself when I am alone. I can't say what's truly on my mind with other people. And they sense this. They don't trust me, don't understand me, most people don't like me. I come off as awkward and weird. Just wanted to say I know how you feel. The thing that helps me most is zen practice. Just trying to be in the moment as much as possible in order to BE the person I AM, right now, rather than constantly having that "alien" you refer to take me over. Boy do I know what that is all about. It's like knowing exactly what you need to do to change your behavior, knowing very well the person you are/how you feel and think about life/ but never being able to BE that person...because that "entity" (I believe mine is fear) autopilots my being and has for so long that it just kicks me out of the driver's seat. I also have a really hard time with relationships...I don't know how to handle any kind of confrontation or middle-ground with people...it's either I be completely agreeable with them or we don't get along/hang out at all, I have no mid-ground where I can feel comfortable, normal relationships are not in my schema. As far as offering anything positive, I can say meditation helps...practicing being in the moment helps. I can see it consistently improving me. But life without other people in it (not many people in my life) is not easy...not very fun many days either. I am always trying to just gather the patience to wait for the process to evolve me. (Patience...first step? I guess I can do that one little thing today.
sassygrrl
Hi. So, I went back to my hometown last night to see Chris Issak. It was a very moving and emotional experience. Yes, the show was really good, but I kept thinking "Why the fuck does he have to play my hometown?" When we got on the street I used to live on, I started sobbing. I got to the top of the driveway, and fell down. My therapist told me to gather some stones from emotional places/houses in my life as a therapy exercise. I just feel so shitty and blobish today. I think I've never really said goodbye to where I lived as a child. Cue the grief and the anger. My parents were also very emotional abusive, and never really said how they felt about anything. I was always the "emotional" daughter.

My self esteem is dwindling too. I keep thinking that employers are going to be upset that I broke my toe, and haven't worked in two months. I'm just going thru extreme bouts of depression and grief. I also understand the whole concept of looking awesome on paper, but inside feeling completely and utterly worthless. I hate feeling this way.

I am jan, I do agree with meditation. Also, writing helps wonders as well. I also really can relate to only feeling your true self when you're alone, and not around other people. It's almost as though I'm playing a part.



((everyone))





This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2014 Invision Power Services, Inc.