Sep 20 2009, 12:29 AM
Ugh. Good for you for not letting her / them steamroll over you.
Sep 20 2009, 06:55 AM
(((rogue))) you don't deserve to get treated like that. Your sister is definitely being a total bridezilla and it's really not fair to you.
I just wanted to come in here and mention the craziest turn of events in my family. Last Sunday my mom had my grandparents over for Sunday night dinner and they proceeded to go on and on about how wonderful my friend's wedding was. My mom said that her jaw just about dropped and she, my brother, and my dad just kept looking at each other like "wtf?!"
So yeah, apparently the grandparents were claiming that they were only plugging their ears to block out the loud music from the wedding in the next room over (I'll admit it was loud, but not that loud) and they claimed to have loved the food (at the time it was the usual "I can't eat any of this, I don't like it" crap). My mom says that my grandparents, especially my granmother, do this all the time. They'll whine and complain during an event and then after go on and on about how great it was. My mom is guessing that my grandparents probably realized that they stepped way over the line and now they are trying to make up for it. Except that their way of making up for it is just to lie and say they had a good time when in reality they sat there grimacing the whole fucking time.
Sep 20 2009, 01:52 PM
Thanks anarch and CCG. It's just really hard to stand up to my family. There is a strange dynamic to it because it's a blended family; my two older brothers and one of my sisters (the one getting married) are actually my step-siblings - they are my step-mother's kids with her first husband, and then my youngest sister is actually a half-sister to the four of us older siblings. I am six years older than her. We've been a family for 21 years (since my father and step-mother had an affair, essentially ending both of their marriages) so it's a little messed up but we don't use "step" anymore because it's just redundant to use it now because it's been so long. I have huge issues with this wedding that stem from the affair - I'll be the first person to admit that I have severe daddy-abandonment issues from everything and it literally kills me that he is going to be walking her up the aisle before me and that he is at all. I know it sounds stupid but she has had him as her father her whole life, pretty much (since we were both four years old because she is only four months younger than I am) so it makes sense but it's still like, what the hell, you know? Especially since I always feel like my father blatantly favours her over his actual blood-daughters, my little sister and I, and I don't think it's right. It's very tiresome.
I just sometimes don't get my family at all; my step-mother can be nice to me but at times is really mean, my sister getting married has been mean to me our whole lives, and my oldest (step-)brother and I don't get along at all, although I don't know why. It's really weird; he never looks at me or talks to me or anything when I'm around. It really confuses me. The only siblings that have always been nice to me no-matter-what are my little sister and my other (step-)brother, and I kind of cling to their love and support.
I guess I just thought it best to shed some light on all this. It's just so messed up and I hate it. I try to stand up to them but I find it really hard. I'm starting to learn how but I have been a doormat a lot of my life - even though I am very strong willed - so I'm on this strange curve on learning how to deal with it.
CCG, that's really weird about your grandparents. I think your mother might be right about it - that they are trying to make up for it. I can understand that it might be different for them to be so ensconced in a different culture but they shouldn't be rude about it. I hope that things get a little better with that. Like I said before my grandmother can be really hard to handle too but I just try and let it roll off my back. I can't change the way she is so I just let her be. If it's something blatantly offensive or wrong I'll call her on it but other than that I just leave her to her devices.
Sep 23 2009, 09:06 AM
Ugh, I just don't know what to do anymore.
I just found out last night that my bridesmaid dress is in pieces. As in, the dress-maker hasn't put it together yet. Apparently what she does is fit it to me while it's still in pieces. Does that make any sense? I don't understand. I thought that she would make the dress according to my measurements, I would try it on and then she would alter it accordingly. I just don't understand this. Because of this strange situation, my sister is now convinced that I cannot be in her wedding but hasn't actually kicked me out of it; she wants me to remove myself from it (she's pretty much tiptoeing around this but won't come out and blatantly say it). Also - she failed to tell me that the dress is $310 until yesterday. I don't have this kind of money.
I'm just so tired of this. She's treating me like shit, blaming everything on me, and making me feel terrible. At this point I just want to tell her I'm not being in the wedding, nor am I coming to it (especially since I can't really afford the trip) but the thing is, I don't want to be the one to blame here. She always blames me for everything and makes me look like the bad person in situations that involve the two of us when we get into an argument. I am the best scapegoat because I grew up with my mother and not my father and stepfamily and it's easy to blame someone who is just not around. I'm just exhausted from dealing with this for twenty-one years.
Does anyone have any advice as to what I should do? At this point I just think it would be best for me to tell her that I'm not going. I was so angry about everything this morning and now I'm just back to being confused. I didn't e-mail her back right away because I was too upset and I am the kind of person who can ebd up saying terrible things when upset, whether I mean them or not, so I thought it best to just hold off for now. I kind of want to call my father and talk to him about it but I don't know. I just think the dress-maker is being ridiculously unprofessional - why is the dress in pieces?! - especially since she won't try to work with us on Friday night when I am (supposed to be) arriving for the wedding. She has flat-out refused to fit me then or even before the wedding in the morning (it starts at 1:00 in the afternoon and I am more than willing to get up at the crack of dawn for it).
God, I feel so shitty.
Sep 23 2009, 04:13 PM
Um, that dressmaker sounds very weird!
((rogue)) That sounds like a really difficult situation. I really want to tell you to stand up for yourself and walk away, but this is the sort of thing that wrecks family relationships - it's horrible, but if you can get through it in any way then I think it's worth doing. It's just a couple of days, then you can cheerfully ignore your sister for years if you want.
If you can't be in the wedding party (and it doesn't sound like there's any way round the dress issue), do you think she would still appreciate it if you came as a guest? That would relieve some of the pressures, and mean that you were still being supportive.
(By the way, I think it's really shitty that she didn't let you know in advance about the cost of the dress, last-minute fittings etc).
On the money front, could you swallow your pride and ask your dad again? He wasn't very supportive before, but he might prefer to pay than have you miss the day entirely.
If you decide to skip it entirely (and I really wouldn't blame you), then do call your sister or send her a really nice email explaining that you don't feel able to come to the wedding but wish her all the best (don't make it about money, or she'll never forgive you).
Um, or fake a work/hospital/fire emergency.
Sep 29 2009, 05:15 PM
Thanks persiflager. Sorry I haven't been able to say anything in about a week to your comment but it was nice to see some feedback about the situation, especially from someone who isn't a family member.
I did end up going to the wedding. I found out on Friday (while at a lunch with my entire office/all my colleagues) that not only had I been kicked out of my role in the wedding, but also replaced by a girl my stepsister (which is how I am referring to her from now on after all this because truly, that's what she is) has known for about fourteen years who had come to attend the wedding. This only caused further rage, especially since my oldest stepbrother couldn't make it to the wedding because he is in the military doing his basic training and was unable to leave, making the wedding party already unbalanced. With me not able to be in the wedding the party was balanced once again, with two bridesmaids and two groomsmen.
Anyway. The wedding was really nice, I will admit, but it was way too stressful for me. I spent most of Saturday in tears. I didn't watch my father (who is her stepfather) walk her up the aisle, instead I held fast to my best friend's hand (who accompanied me to the wedding) and stared at the ground. I don't think anyone noticed. I didn't watch their "father-daughter" dance; I went into another room at the reception. I just can't deal with it. She has been so mean to me my whole life and has had my father living with her and being basically her father for the past twenty-one years when he's pretty much all I've ever wanted. It's a big bone of contention with me. It's stupid and I should be over it by now but I can't help the way I feel. As I've said, I have Daddy-issues. Big time.
So yeah. I haven't spoken to her in over a week. I didn't say a word to her all day on Saturday. I'm done being treated as something subhuman for no reason at all and I refuse to allow her to do this to me any longer. I won't go out of my way to be mean to her - because I am really not that kind of person - but I'm not going to go out of my way to be nice to her either.
Sorry that this was so long. I just had to get it out there. I'm just glad it's all over now and I can choose not to deal with her if I want. I also believe that "water is thicker than blood" (as opposed to the other way around) and in all honesty, my bestie (who came with me for the weekend) is and has been more of a sister to me than my stepsister ever has and I take comfort in that fact. Nothing could ever tear us apart, and I say that with sincerity.
I hope all the other family Busties are doing okay. How about you, CCG? Are things getting any better with your grandmother?
Sep 30 2009, 02:24 AM
Well done rogue, and hurrah for your bestie! Thank goodness it's out of the way now.
Sep 30 2009, 01:12 PM
Rogue, I'm glad you survived the day but I'm really sorry that you had to go through all that in the first place. To me it really sounds like your step-sister was just being a brat, plain and simple. Do you have to see her during holidays and whatnot? Anyway, at least you are standing your ground.
As for my grandmother, there's nothing that we can really do. She's always going to keep saying offensive things and like I said before, it's not worth it to try to argue over it. Plus, according to my mom, my grandmother is the type who will argue until she's blue in the face and insist that something happened one way when it didn't. So really, it's just not worth it.
Sep 30 2009, 01:40 PM
CCG your grandmother sounds a lot like my grandmother! She would argue with someone like that too. I think that's why I am of the school of just letting her be as well. I don't bother arguing with her because she would never admit to being wrong anyway. It sucks that she is like that but I am kind of in the "she's 83 years old, just let it be" mindset.
As for my stepsister, I don't really have to see her on holidays because I don't spend time with my father and stepfamily on holidays. Since my father and mother split when I was four there has never been one Christmas or New Year's or anything where I have spent the time with them. My mother and I spent the last 21 years together so I stay with her, especially since she has no other children. It might be different if I were a child of a set that she and my father had while together, but it just isn't so. I feel that my father has his "wife" (actually his GF - he and my mother are still not legally divorced and obviously that means he and my stepmother cannot be married), and when all my stepbrothers/stepsister/half-sister were kids and lived at home he had all of them, too, which is why I never felt the need to be there (nor have I ever felt like I was wanted there during holidays) and I hate thinking of my mother being alone on those days so I have never gone. I have actually spent one Thanksgiving and two Easters with my stepfamily, but it was only when I was 19, 22, and 24, respectively. This is a really long explaination to just say "no, I will most likely not see her on holidays", but you know.
Truthfully, she was being a brat. You hit the nail on the head there. She was being the most bratty 24-year-old bridezilla I have ever witnessed in all my time attending weddings. I honestly believe that what she did and how she acted was completely and utterly wrong and unwarranted. Like I said, I'm not going to be mean to her but I'm also not going to go out of my way to be nice to her either. I just don't have the patience for it. I just got out of a controlling and horrible two year relationship and now that I have a renewed sense of self and independence, there is no way I'll be going back to being treated like a doormat. Kind of like the phoenix rising from the ashes, I guess.
Oct 15 2009, 07:59 PM
I love my dad but I called home tonight and he answered the phone and I said it sounded like I had woken him up. He said no, that he and my mom were just finishing dinner. Then I talked to my mom (he went off to bed) and she said that he had so much to drink that he could barely eat his dinner and was holding his head in his hands at dinner just to stay upright. I hate that there's always going to be some part of me that thinks he might stop drinking. I try so hard to make myself realize that it will probably never happen but when I'm around him and he's sober it's like, so great and I just think that maybe he'll wake up and want to stop drinking. Argh.
Oct 16 2009, 03:48 AM
That sucks. I've never had an alcoholic family member so I don't really know what to say but I guess I just wanted you to know that someone is listening (even though I'm sure you know that). I don't even know if he is an alcoholic because you didn't really come out and say that specifically, but I get the impression that he drinks a lot.
That being said, I've been seeing a lot of commercials for al-anon lately - is that something you might want to look into? Like, maybe talking to professionals about it? I just hope that things get better. We both have been having a lot of family aggravations lately, that's for sure!
Oct 16 2009, 07:23 AM
I've thought about Al-Anon. I don't know. At this point I am sooooo busy that any free time I have is devoted to just relaxing. Honestly, it's just like I have so much going on with school right now and that coupled with a job that has a lot of events going on....it's just too much for me to try to devote time to something else right now.
And yes, he is an alcoholic. The worst part is that when he and my mom were dating he hardly ever drank. Basically he went through some bad business deals in the 80s and started drinking to cope with the stress. It was a long time before my mom even realized what was going on because he always drinks in secret. I was born in 84 and I think a lot of the bad business happened around that time so I've never known him any other way.
It's just so stupid. I know that there have been a lot of times that I've gone out drinking with friends and gotten drunk but I don't drink everyday and I definitely don't drink to try to deal with stress. There was one time that I drank when I was in a bad mood and it just made me feel even worse. I don't understand why anyone thinks that drinking will take away worries. As soon as you're sober again, the worries are right back there to face you.
I always think of a quote my mom put on our fridge. It went something like "Don't try to drown your sorrows in alcohol. Sorrows can swim."
Oct 25 2009, 02:20 PM
I've got a real doozy here.
My cousin was shot on Wednesday by her ex-boyfriend. He'd been cheating on her, they broke up and he started a new relationship with the cheatee. I don't know what the circumstances were exactly about why he would shoot her, I haven't been able to speak with her yet. She's in the hospital, there are armed police standing outside her door because the Ex hasn't been caught yet. They're not allowing any visitors until he's in custody.
My cousin and this guy have 2 kids together. They were in the apartment when all this happened. Even when I find out what happened between them, I imagine I still won't be able to wrap my head around what motivates a person to try to kill someone.
She was a really beautiful girl
. She has burns on her face/head from the blast and she's lost an arm now because it was shattered when she used it to shield her face when he shot her. Here's the official news story.
Oct 25 2009, 02:59 PM
((((foryoursplendor, cousin, kids, family))))
Oh My God.
It hurts physically, knowing people do that, that this happens.
I'm so sorry, splendor, can't imagine what you must be feeling, can't even begin to try to imagine what it must be for her.
Was gonna post something here but it will wait.
Oct 25 2009, 03:52 PM
I am so sorry, foryoursplendor. I don't even know what to say.
Oct 26 2009, 08:16 AM
I'm so sorry, splendor. I read about it on your lj. That's totally fucked up. Hopefully they'll find the ex quickly. I hope you have lots of support right now.
Oct 26 2009, 06:50 PM
Thanks for the kind words everyone.
I heard she woke up for the first time yesterday. I really wish I could be there with her. I guess its just a waiting game now.
Oct 29 2009, 08:15 AM
Foryoursplendor, how's your cousin doing?
sending ongoing vibes.
Oct 29 2009, 08:59 AM
OMG, that's completely and utterly awful. Sending love and warm vibes to you and yours.
Oct 29 2009, 10:29 AM
FYS - Oh my god! I am so happy to hear that she woke up. What a f-ing nightmare for your family.
Best wishes and warm healing vibes to you and yours.
Oct 29 2009, 10:51 PM
Oh God. (((splendor)))) I am so sorry that this sicko did this to her. I'm glad that she woke up, and I'm sending lots of love to her and your family.
Oct 30 2009, 02:19 PM
Nov 4 2009, 01:29 PM
((((Splendor)))) Have you heard any more about your cousin? I hope she is doing better.
Well, I guess I've gone and decided something really stupid (I think). If any of you read the "letters" thread, you will know that I have issues with my father/stepfamily. My oldest stepbrother has finally decided to get his life on track and is graduating from basic training with the military this month. His graduation is on the nineteenth and I have decided that I am going to take the twelve hour trip up to Quebec to be there for it.
The thing is, I don't know if it's such a good idea, but I really, really want to go. I have a friend who lives in Montreal that I haven't seen in years and Montreal is only a half-hour drive outside the city where the graduation is being held so my father said he would drive me there for a bit to see my friend. I just am worried about the whole situation on the way up and back. I haven't spoken to my stepsister (who is coming on the trip) since her wedding, so I don't know how that is going to play out. And I don't want to speak to her. I'm so tired of her holding everything over my head and acting as if she is better than I am. My younger sister is coming too and she also hasn't spoken to me since the wedding, even though I have tried to contact her (text, email, etc), which I find very odd because she doesn't usually act like this.
The other thing that I am worried about is that my stepbrother hates me. I literally have never seen someone hate someone else so much. He makes a point not to talk to me or even look at me, and when he does it's not hard to tell that there is a horrible awkwardness in the air around us and that he is talking to me only because he absolutely has to. He has never acted like he even cares one lick about me and used to do things to get me in trouble on purpose as a kid, even though there was nothing at all in it for him. My other stepbrother whom I lived with after my breakup this summer is the total opposite; we actually behave like true brothers/sisters do. I just don't know how to deal with all this. I'm so tired of him hating me and I've always wanted to ask him about it but we have never had the opportunity to just sit and talk - mostly because he avoids me. I think he has a lot of issues stemming from how our parents got together (long story short, his mother and my father had an affair which ended their marriages and they are still together today), especially since he was a lot older than the rest of my stepsiblings and I when it happened and probably knows a lot more about what was going on than we do.
I guess, for the TL;DR crowd, how am I supposed to survive five days with someone who isn't speaking to me/who I don't want to speak to? Books? iPods? Would that seem rude? And any advice on how to make a stepfamily member actually realize that you aren't a horrible heinous bitch? This is so dumb, I hate my family.
Nov 4 2009, 01:42 PM
rogue, I can't tell you what the right answer is - but I have read your letters. I'm sorry about the family situation you find yourself in! (((rogue)))
Based on the information you provide in your post it sounds as though a trip with your family in this capacity, where you cannot really escape if you had to, does not sound healthy for you. It seems like most of the reason you want to go is to see your friend and it would probably be worth considering if it would be possible to make the trip yourself/pay the extra cost to avoid the uncomfortable family situation.
Additionally, it wasn't clear that you were going to do so, but it would also be important to consider whether approaching the longstanding issues with your brother would be appropriate to do at the time of his graduation?
I truly think that you have to do what is best and most healthy for you!
Nov 4 2009, 02:25 PM
Oh my good gracious, I would never ever ever talk to him about our crap at his graduation. My bad if I kind of put that forward. I am generally a timid person who doesn't like to rock the boat by nature so I think that's part of the reason why I haven't ever said anything to him. He's four years older than I am (he's twenty-nine) and it's even harder for me to speak to someone who is senior to me about important issues. It's weird, but it's just how I am, I guess.
I am feeling very much the way you said, coffee. I really, really want to go. I do want to see this friend of mine (he and I have a long history and I haven't seen him in ages and I miss him a lot), and even though stepbrother and I do not get along (well, I try to get along, he won't have anything to do with it), I do want to be there for his big day. It's a lot to explain but to make a long story short, he is a classic underachiever and this is big deal - our entire family is going up to see him graduate and all my life I missed out on these events because I didn't grow up with my stepfamily. Part of me thinks that maybe just by being there he might finally understand that I'm not abhorable and that I do care about him? Does that make any sense? And then maybe we could try and be friends. I don't know, I get a lot of mixed messages from him. Like when I was living with my other stepbrother this summer (the one who I get along with), he (stepbrother I don't get along with) was also living there. He was telling everyone he could that he had no problem going to basic training, that it wasn't a big deal, that he wasn't worried about it, etc, but then the day before he left he gave me (me!) a huge hug and told me that he was really nervous. I mentioned this to his mother (my stepmother) and she made a big deal out of it because I was the only one that he said anything like that to. Everyone else thought he was fine going there. I was more shocked that he had hugged me because like I said, never talks to me, never looks at me. It's weird. Does anyone have anything to make out of that?
I also think that a lot of this is me trying to prove to myself that I can be the bigger person and that I can handle this kind of stress. I don't know if it's the best way to go about it but I also tend to psych myself out over nothing. I think it's definitely doable, I just need to keep my head on straight and my eyes open, but this is really confusing.
Nov 4 2009, 03:32 PM
I personally think going to the graduation would be a big mistake. If you want to see your friend, book a ticket and see her, but I'd stay away from the rest of the "family".
Seriously, they sound like assholes, why do you want to go through this? If you want to try and make ammends with the step brother who is graduating, then I'd do it another day that is not the one he's graduating on.
Nov 4 2009, 07:12 PM
If you do decide to go, I think it might be worth asking stepbrother/stepsister/sister how they'd feel about you coming, just to be polite and get things off to a good start. They might be glad of the olive branch, especially if it was a chance to repair relationships without going into your previous disagreements. However, they might not welcome the added tension. FWIW, I think your stepsister was a total bitch about her wedding, but she is closer to your stepbrother and might resent you being there if she thinks you're going to spoil his day. It would be horrible if you put yourself through all this stress and it wasn't appreciated.
It's a hell of a commitment - I'd find a full day of that situation pretty difficult to deal with, even without the 12-hour journey! Is there a nice message/gift that you can send to your stepbrother to show your support?
Ooh, and this might be totally crazy, but is there any chance your stepbrother avoids you because he's attracted to you? As you didn't grow up with them it's entirely possible, and it would explain his behaviour.
Nov 4 2009, 08:29 PM
OMG persi, that's what everyone I know says when I tell them about how weird he is with me. That he probably acts like that because he's attracted to me. I honestly have no frigging idea why he acts the way he does. Like sometimes on rare occasions (like I mentioned below) he is nice to me (honest-to-goodness that hug before he left was just too weird! I just kind of stood there in his arms and patted his back and was like, "You...will be okay." It was weird.), and on other occasions he rats me out for no good reason over things that don't even reflect on his "good behaviour" or whatever. I lived with my stepfamily for three months two years ago (when I first started posting here, actually!) and he moved in the same weekend I did and acted like a total asshole to me. I moved there with a guy I was seeing and we all lived there together and he used to "tattle" on my and my then-BF all the time for stuff, even though we were sleeping in the same bed there, etc. It was so weird. Just to get us in trouble, I guess, even though we were being super respectful to everyone. And keep in mind, this is when I was 22 and he was 26. I don't know.
I definitely don't want to go to cause any shit on his day or make amends, I just want to be there. That is not my plan. I want to see him graduate. I feel like this has been a long time coming and I am so proud of him. Most of our shared family members all expected him to last a week and then come home as per his track record, but I thought he was going to surprise the lot of them and stick it through and he did. I have always looked up to him (and not just because he's a giant! haha), he just hasn't seemed to return the sentiment. I used to spend about six weeks every summer living with my dad and stepfamily and I always tried my hardest to work things out with him - I would do his laundry and clean up his room and everything. One time when I was twelve we kind of had a truce when he came back from a summer camp really depressed and we hung out in his room together and listened to Oasis all day, but that was about it. That's the only time I can remember it just being the two of us and him being okay with spending time with me. I don't know. I know things have been hard for him as the oldest out of all of us (he even told his brother [the one I lived with this summer] that he "can't love because of what his mother did to his father" [ie: cheating on him with my dad], which I understand because I kind of feel the same way - that my fucked up family history has skewed/ruined my perception of normal relationships). But all that is besides the point. I just want to be there for him. Sometimes I think he really hates me and then other times I think he just doesn't know what to do with me or how to act around me. I don't know.
As for my stepsister, I could be civil around her. This trip is bigger than the shit that we just went through. I just think it might be initially difficult but I am definitely the bigger person and would never, ever start something. I am non-confrontational by nature so I would never dream of it. She's been pulling this kind of crap my whole life and I've always been able to rein her in and I could probably do so again, but I just don't want to be as close as we were before her wedding because I always end up getting burned and look like the idiot. I also really want to go along because I never get to see my dad and despite all the fucked-up-ness between us I really try to spend any opportunity I have with him. I do love him, I just get really upset - even twenty-one years later! - over what he did and how it broke up our family/screwed our father-daughter relationship.
I'm rambling again. I talk too much. Part of me thinks that doing this will be somewhat cathartic. I'm definitely NOT going to go up their to ruin stepbrother's grad. I just want to go along and take a mini-vacay and chill out, visit two cities I never have, take some photos. I need something like this and to be completely honest, I am very good at not being stressed when others are - I talked to my dad about it last night and he said that there wouldn't be a problem with me coming. I just need to make sure that I am in the right frame of mind. I still have two weeks to prep myself and I feel better about this decision every day.
Nov 5 2009, 09:19 AM
Rogue, sorry if my previous post was a little too forward and it may have been interpreted as me thinking that you were going to 'start things' with your stepbrother at his graduation. After lurking here for a long time and posting for a short time, your very good natured/non-drama seeking personality has shone through
So it sounds to me that your mind is pretty much made up about the trip. I think that if you are fine with it then that is what is most important. However, although you may be ready to be the 'bigger person' and put things aside and get along for the week, before going I do think it is important to consider how your are going to feel if you do put yourself out there and your stepsister does NOT take on the same role? What if she starts shit with you? Is your father ready to play the mediator in this situation and not take sides or is he going to fall into his usual role of telling you to make amends for the sake of the others?
I think that you are definitely taking a big risk with this because it is such a long period of time. If you can consider how you might feel if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to and are still willing to try and extend the olive branch even if your family takes it and cracks it over their collective knee then I guess you are ready to go.
This is not meant to dissuade you but rather to have you consider the options. We busties care about you and our alliance is with you!!!!
Nov 5 2009, 09:45 AM
Thanks so much coffee (and other Busties) - all of your opinions are very well received. I like hearing what you all think of this.
I don't know what will happen with my stepsister. I don't think she will try to start anything. If she does I will just calmly tell her it is neither the time nor the place to discuss whatever it is she feels that I am doing wrong. I think that the trip will be quite manageable and I would be surprised if she wanted to fight through the whole duration, as I know I definitely don't! I can be a very civil person at times, especially with people who I don't get along with (kill them with kindness/you get more flies with honey than vinegar - these are the lessons that I have been taught my whole life). I think if it came down to it my father would step in and put us in our respective corners, but I am hoping that it won't come to that. My stepsister can be a bitch but I think she would have the brain in her head to not cause shit on someone else's day. At least, I hope she would.
I am going to talk to my other non-hating stepbrother, J, to see if I can make the trip up there with him and his girlfriend. J and I live in the same province (Nova Scotia), whereas my stepsister, S1, lives in a different province (New Brunswick), and my father and stepmother and sister (S2 - she also has an "S" name hehe), live in yet another province (Prince Edward Island) so it's complicated on how we are all going to meet up. I think S1 is going to drive up and meet my dad + stepfam in PEI and they were going to try to pick me up in New Brunswick or something, but I don't know how that is going to pan out. I am pretty sure J and his GF are going up for the grad and since we live in the same city I am going to see if I can tag along with them. That will at least take one 12-hour journey out of the equation. I would hope to come back with my dad + stepfam though, because they are planning on visiting Quebec City, where I have never been. S1 and I have never flat-out fought, per se, this is the first time that I actually have just stopped communicating with her. I just think that she was a heinous bitch about her wedding and treating me the way she did was not acceptable.
Here I go again, talking too much. It's nice to hear that I'm thought of as good natured, though. I like that. And you definitely did not come off as forward, coffee, I think I just ramble on a lot and it's hard to find exactly what I mean in a paragraph - I find it hard to stick to short explainations a lot but I'm definitely working on it.
Nov 5 2009, 09:10 PM
For anyone who heard about my cousin's shooting, the doctors were able to save her arm through skin grafts. She's out of the hospital and hiding out because her ex-boyfriend still hasn't been found. He's been updating his facebook though, which is kind of weird... who updates their facebook status when they're running from the law for attempted murder? He's not the smartest...
Thanks again for the caring/concern everyone!
Nov 5 2009, 09:15 PM
That is great news, splendor!
And yes, I agree, it is very odd that he is updating Facebook. Seriously! I don't understand some people.
((((splendor & your cousin))))
Nov 5 2009, 11:48 PM
It's almost 1 a.m. here in Jersey, I have to get up early tomorrow bc my boyfriend and I are leaving for a trip I was really anticipating, but I have had a horrible night and can't sleep.
My relationship with my mother has been nothing short of absolutely terrible for years. We went through a really good period for a while and I was so happy to think we were past our hardships, but recently things have been worse then ever before. She is a person who has been through a lot of hardships, which is why she may be the way she is, but she is a very very negative person and is always trying to rub off that negativity on to me. I have suffered from bad spells of depression my whole life, probably because of a toxic environment I grew up in with two unstable parents. She does not see the reality, and often makes very very hurtful comments about my being "crazy." Our arguments can get pretty intense, hateful, and sometimes even violent.
Tonight we got into a pretty bad one at a restaurant that no doubt would have turned into an absolute wreck if we weren't out in public. She pushes me to a point of such rage that I do hateful and terrible things, and then I fall into such a deep dark place bc I am over come with self loathing for my existence.
I got up and left the restaurant before we got our check, threw my money down on the table and as I was walking out she said "Don't you dare leave or you will be sorry," to which I gave an awful awful awful response. I have been feeling pretty terrible all night.
She hasn't answered my calls for hours and hours, she was drinking at the restaurant, and drives pretty recklessly when she is angry. I'm worried sick and can't get to sleep. I'm having terrible thoughts - why would she tell me not to leave or I'd be sorry?
I'm an adult, in my 20s, and spend a majority of the week living with my boyfriend to escape the hell at my mom's house (she is a hoarder and our house is also in shambles bc we can't afford to get things fixed/can't have people come in the house bc it's such a wreck), so it's not like "I'll be sorry" because I won't be allowed to go out Friday night or something.
I need rest but I am depressed, worried,and guilty.
Nov 6 2009, 01:24 AM
I wish this post did not provoke so much anger and blinding memories of my own family so I could offer some sober and responsible support (since I'm wide awake). But as it is, your mother is obviously extremely manipulative and derives some sort of emotional reward from pushing you, from making you feel guilty and proving you weak. So it was the rightest thing you could do to remove yourself from her toxic field. Whatever she's gone and did, (and she's most likely listening to the phone ring and punishing you), you may be sad, but you should not feel sorry or guilty. (It's horrible when people threaten other people with what they're about to do... That's such manipulative bullshit...)
One thing that I try to remember when dealing with this is that we cannot fix other people. We can't, it's impossible. So it's useless to feel guilty for not doing something that is impossible to do. It's not our job to save our parents, babe. I know.
And whatever awful answer you gave, you were reacting. And she probably needed to hear it. You didn't plan to hurt another, you were saving yourself. It's a reflex.
(Hey, you used words, at least you didn't break the bottle in her head.)
That's all I can say, you're not a bad daughter, Madame Hooch. You're good.
Nov 8 2009, 07:56 PM
((MadameHooch)) What a horrible situation. Could you move out, either alone or with your boyfriend? It sounds like almost anything would be better than continuing to love with your mother.
((splendorfamily)) Hoping ex-scum's stupidity leads to a quick capture.
((rogue)) I'm glad you talked to your Dad and that he thinks everything will be ok, and I hope you can travel up with your other stepbrother. Also, ha! I knew it. That's why he had such a problem with you when your bf was staying with you.
Nov 9 2009, 07:22 AM
((((Madame))) That really sucks about your mom. I can't believe that she would say something like that to you - the whole "you'll be sorry" statement. That stuff doesn't sit well with me and I'm sorry that you have to put up with it. My mother and I are pretty close but we get into arguments at times, but nothing like that. How are things going now? I hope things are better now, even if only a little. I agree with seven - I think you did the right thing by getting out of there - if I've learned one thing this year it's that I - and no one else - should ever have to put up with anyone else's shit. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. Seven's whole post is pretty darn accurate, I think, especially about not being able to fix other people. I've learned that this year, too.
And persi - you are hilarious! I love your "HA! I knew it!" re: my stepbrother. The more I think about things since people have been mentioning what they think of the situation (my mother, two best friends, and my hairdresser all think he's secretly liked me for years), the more I think that it could be probable. I just keep thinking back to how it was when I was living with my stepfamily two years ago and one specific event - my BF and I were home alone at the time and getting ready to go out and so we decided to just get in the shower together. My dad's house has a very strange layout - it has two bathrooms, the one upstairs has the bathtub and the one downstairs has the shower, and the downstairs bathroom is right next to the door we use to enter the house. Anyway, BF and I were just finishing up in the shower when A, my stepbrother came home. BF left the bathroom first and then I did once I had toweled off and dressed. No one else but the three of us were home and so no one else would have known about us showering together (and who cares, we were grown adults anyway!) but that night when BF and I came home my dad sat me down and ragged me out over it because A had ratted on us for no reason. Why would he do that? I don't get it. It's just weird. This whole thing is weird. I have to confess, a little piece of me wants to go to Montreal next week just to see if he will look at me/talk to me when we go to his grad. Again - not messing anything up, I would never dream of it! - but I just want to see how he acts because I have never considered the idea of him liking me before and I want to see if there are any clues to pick up on that I might not have noticed before. It's intriguing. I'm sure nothing would ever come of it, but it's an interesting theory. It would kind of be like a movie or something - Clueless anyone?
Nov 9 2009, 09:41 AM
Splendor, that's fantastic that they were able to save her arm. What an idiot, why would you post on a public networking site?! Hopefully that will help the police to track him down quickly.
Roque, it sounds like you've thought a lot about the trip. I was just reading over your posts, and it seems like you're feeling a lot more positive about it now. Hopefully it will be seen as a way to reach out to your step family. That's funny that more than one person has mentioned that he's possibly attracted to you.
Madame, I'm with seven too. Paperboy's mom can be really manipulative and loves to play the guilt trip card. It drives me nuts. I really like his mom, but I hate when she pulls shit like that. I grew up in a household where people said what they meant. The first time paperboy tried to pull that guilt stuff on me I think it backfired because I was the one who ended up in tears.
Nov 9 2009, 10:03 AM
Splendor, that is great news about your cousin!!! Her ex isn't exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer is he now. I know from my previous line of work that someone will turn him in. Nothing speaks greater volume than the almighty dollar.
Rogue, I hope things turn out well!!!
Madamehooch, (((((madame))))))) Well, my mother and I have gotten into some real blowouts (that have also turned violent). I'm with the others, is there anyway you can move out on your own or with the b/f? I'm sure you have loyalties to your mom because she's your mom, but I also believe that there comes a time when you cannot remain in a toxic relationship with someone, whether they are family or not. have you spoken to your mother since this occured?
Nov 10 2009, 12:19 AM
rogue, as opposed to Clueless it kind of made me think of The Royal Tenenbaums, especially one line "I think we're just going to have to be secretly in love with each other, Richie, and leave it at that." Of course, something tells me that you aren't actually in love with your stepbrother.
Nov 10 2009, 06:03 AM
Haha, I totally forgot about that, CCG! I saw that movie a loooong time ago - what is the context of that line? It's Gwenyth Paltrow's and Luke Wilson's characters, I think - definitely correct me if I'm wrong. And she's adopted or something, isn't she? Note to self: download and rewatch The Royal Tenenbaums.
And no, I'm not actually in love with my stepbrother. This all just recently came to light though - since I lived with him for a month-and-a-half this summer and was talking to people about how much he just doesn't bother with me. When J (nice stepbrother) took me in, we hung out all the time and talked all the time and generally acted as siblings do, even though we have no blood relation between us at all (but our family has been combined for the past twenty-one years, so you know, we kind of are all like real siblings). A (not-so-nice stepbrother) didn't bother with me. He was purposefully never around, he brought home a different girl every night (I'm totally not exaggerating here), and when he did talk to me it was so obviously forced. So I was talking to people about it and even my own mother was like, "Maybe he likes you but doesn't want to say anything about it because his mother and your father would have a fit so he just acts like he hates you." That's when I was like WTF because my mother is very intuitive and knows her shit. I don't know, it's all convoluted and odd. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about anyway, it's just interesting to think about because it would be strange to go from thinking someone hates you to knowing they actually love you. That would be odd.
Nov 10 2009, 10:28 PM
I called my dad/stepfam tonight to talk about how we are going to meet up to head up to Montreal next week and I was speaking to my stepmother before speaking to my father and damn. She actually asked me to "work my magic" on my stepsister to make sure everything is okay on the way up there and that we don't have a drive in total silence for twelve hours. She wants me to write her a letter and fix everything. My response was, "Are you kidding me?!" to which she replied, "No." Bah.
I might message her and be like, this isn't about you or whatever happened with your wedding, it's about A, your brother, and I care about him and this is his day, so don't be retarded. The end. But it's just so convoluted. New mantra: Be The Bigger Person, Be The Bigger Person, Be The Bigger Person.
Funny thing is, I thought I would be stressed about this, but I'm not, really. More irked than anything that she's twenty-five and can't deal with her own shit and has to go through our respective parents instead of actually getting a pair and talking to me like a civil human being instead. Grow up, please.
Nov 11 2009, 08:53 AM
I just read your post about the recent conversation you had with your stepmom - WTF? I feel pissed for you!
Why is it up to you to solve this problem and make sure that your stepsister is okay? It really sounds as though the whole family has treated your stepsister with kid gloves and that she is not used to not getting what she wants (this was clear from what happened with the wedding). At this point your stepsister doesn't even sound emotionally old enough to handle being married! To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to make this trip about you and her - even though you have made a concerted effort to not get into it.
It also says a lot about your stepmother if she can't realize that asking you to write your stepsister a letter means that she is asking you to swallow what your STEPSIS did to YOU - why can't the family just accept that you and your stepsister don't have to be besties - you just have to be civil.
I say don't give in - yes be the bigger person on the trip - but your stepsister also needs to learn how to handle herself and her emotions all on her own like a big girl! Gah!
Nov 11 2009, 09:41 AM
See, that's what I was thinking too, coffee. Last night I drafted out this whole message I could send her but I decided to sleep on it because it was so - blunt. As in, blunt to the point of being mean, even though that wasn't the intent. So I didn't send it and talked to my mother about it this morning and she was like, "Don't you dare e-mail her! It's not your responsibility, you aren't the one who caused the mess regarding her wedding!" and so I think I might follow her - and your! - advice. I'm definitely not going to start anything - the whole context of the message was that this isn't about her - it's about her brother; it's A's Big Day, as I have been referring to it. It would be incredibly unkind to to something like that to him and I refuse to.
So yes. I completely agree. I don't think I'm going to say anything. I spoke to my bestie about it this morning and she was like, "Uh, you have a twelve-hour long car ride. Discuss it then." Haha. I think that would be worse but I'm not planning on making this awkward. You're right. If she can't handle her own emotions that's really saying something. If she does act like a brat though, I'm definitely going to put her in her place. Nicely, of course. =P
Nov 13 2009, 05:44 AM
Update: I have decided that I am not going to e-mail her anything even remotely close to an apology, or even at all. I've done nothing wrong in this situation and I'm not going to cater to her anymore. I'm going to be my awesome self on this trip and if she doesn't like it, that's too bad. If she even mentions anything in the car I am going to calmly say, "You know what, S? That's in the past and I'm over it. I'm not going to discuss it on this trip because it's neither the time nor the place. In fact, I'm not going to discuss it with you at all." If she keeps pressing the issue, in go the headphones and on go the tunes. I have found from the past that it doesn't matter if you try to explain yourself with people like her - it just doesn't work. They don't care about how you feel, they just want you to feel guilty and manipulate you to come to their point of view, and that just won't be possible if I have music blasting in my ears and a good book on my lap, now will it?
Nov 13 2009, 07:57 AM
rogue, I think you're doing the right thing. Sometimes, as tempting as it is to tell someone what you think it's better just to stay quiet. For one thing, no one can accuse you of trying to start shit. And for another, you really are being the bigger person.
Nov 13 2009, 09:31 AM
I agree with candycane. It can be so fucking hard to keep your mouth shut but usually it's worth it in the end. It sounds like you're really looking forward to the trip so hopefully all goes well and everyone can just let sleeping dogs lie.
Nov 13 2009, 10:05 AM
Thanks so much, ladies! I think it's going to be really difficult for me to just keep my mouth shut if she tries to discuss things with me, but like I (and you) said, I'm trying so hard to be the bigger person here. My best friend is huge on that - she is always the bigger person and that's why I love her. She's so kind and gracious and calm - which is the exact, total opposite of me. I've been told that I am "a force to be reckoned with", and to be completely honest, I'd rather be the eye of the storm. I try to be calm in situations of personal stress but I just end up feeling attacked and lash out at whomever is closest (which is funny because in other stressful situations [emergencies, etc.] I am the calmest person there is). I'm just going to keep remembering all the support that I've received here and from my bestie and I think everything will be okay. S can only make me feel bad if I let her, and I refuse to let her.
And ketto, you're right. I am really looking forward to going on this trip - it's been almost four years since I went anywhere and I love to travel! - so that's pretty much the entire reason why. I love exploring new places and taking photographs and I've never been to Montreal or Quebec City or Saint-Jean (we're going to all three!) so I'm super excited. I'm not going to let S take away my dignity or my sense of fun. No way, no how. She can be a baby but I'm not going to let her bring me down.
Nov 16 2009, 07:53 PM
I'm such a waffler. This is kind of cross-posted in the confessions thread, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going on the trip. This past weekend started and it just didn't feel right anymore, you know? I feel in my soul that I shouldn't be going (and I never argue with my soul). I don't have the stamina for a car trip like that - the length and also dealing with my stepfamily's shit. Like I said there, 98.275% sure that I'm just going to take my five days vacation and hole up in my little apartment and just chill out. Have some me time. Relax and all that shiz.
It's just really hard because I always feel left out by all of them. They all grew up together and I was with my Mom. I would never trade being raised for her by anything, but I think you can understand where I'm coming from. I just need to grow up - I'm not a little kid anymore and they are a really shitty family. I know that now. I just need to stop getting my hopes up that they'll change because they never do. So it's time to give up the ghost, so-to-speak. I think it will be nice to just be by myself for a bit anyway.
As before - thanks for all your support here, everyone. It really means a lot to me to have so much feedback and positive wishes/thoughts from you all. You're the complete and utter best.
Nov 16 2009, 07:58 PM
I'm having holiday-related anxieties. I really wish I were in a position to host my own Thanksgiving (which I hate anyway as a holiday because it's all about the fuckin' dead bird), not in a position to play dodge the relatives in Dysfunctionland.
Nov 17 2009, 10:18 AM
Roque, I always say follow your instincts. It sounds like you've thought long and hard about the reality of your family and the situation so I say do what feels right for you. Since I'm assuming you booked some time off for the trip, are you taking some time for yourself instead?