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Full Version: Are we functional yet? The return of the family problems thread.
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Persiflager
Well done, nbdx! That sounds like a good resolution. I wonder if on some level your sister is relieved?

Don't feel guilty - if you hadn't asked for all the money now, you would have resented your sister for years while she was paying it back.

(((nbdx)))
stargazer
QUOTE(nbdx0645 @ Jan 18 2011, 10:04 PM) *
I just feel a lot of guilt by asking for all of the money immediately. Also, I feel guilty because receiving the money made most of the anger and resentment go away. I'm torn, because the big issue should have been about the breach of trust and not the money.


You are correct that the real issue with your sister is the breach of trust. At the same time, your sister had no guilt/remorse in taking your credit and money for herself. The word "sorry" can be empty in itself after a while. I wish your sister would've been as considerate of you as you are with her.

(((nbdx)))
delibelly
I hope I'm not projecting, and certainly hope that the worst is behind and you're on your way to healing the rift, but I'm reading a subtext here that makes me cynical.

To begin with I suspect that she took out the line of credit in your name because she couldn't get one in her own..why? Because the bank recognised she could not make payments based on her current income? Because her credit is already shot to hell? Because she is already in debt up to her ears?

You mentioned that she is always making new purchases, you mentioned your father's gambling issues. Does she have an addiction, maybe? I'm thinking back to my own experiences with my best friend and her addiction (to drugs, when I was about your age) and how it completely changed someone I had once trusted. How she stole from people she loved, from stores, from her work, to feed her addiction.

I guess that I worry that if she is at a place that she will steal from you, and if she has any access to other people's money through her work, that it is only a matter of time...Anyway, I sure hope that this has been a wake up call to her. That same friend I mentioned is ten years clean now, so there is hope. I think you have been very understanding. More so than I would be. I would have pressed charges. I just wanted to suggest that you have done all the right things to protect yourself financially, but that I hope you take steps to protect yourself emotionally as well. If she is not genuinely contrite, if she is still making excuses or negating it's importance, I would keep my distance.
nbdx0645
You're not projecting at all, delibelly. I'm actually glad you brought this and your personal experiences up. My family has a real issue with material crap (for a lack of a better word.) They love to consume and show affection through gifting and buying. I'm the total opposite; I'm a total cheap-ass. We have issues because our values are completely different (they can drop hundreds of dollars on baseball cards and I wince when I pay over $20 for a pair of jeans.)

And you're absolutely right that she wasn't able to take credit out in her name. Her interest rate would have been astronomical. I'd say her addiction is not substance-related, but it's affection-related. She uses goods to keep her friends in her life. I try to tell her that she doesn't need to always pay for drinks at the bar, or get really elaborate Christmas presents...but she feels that she has little else to offer. She finds herself physically unattractive, too emotionally sensitive, and not wickedly intelligent. The only thing she identifies with is her generosity and selflessness toward others.

Financially, I've made it incredibly difficult for her to steal from me again. I have a credit freeze for 6 months and a credit alert for 90 days. Both of which I can renew. I still find my understanding-ness hard to swallow. I do feel like I wasn't hard enough on them. I called her up on the phone and said, "If you ever do this again, ever, I will injunct this case with any following and you will go to jail." I got an "ohkay" like there was some neutral zone over her head, which angered me, which my family later justified by saying "your sister doesn't like conflict so that's why she's so shy."

Conflict is unavoidable when you steal an identity. Needless to say, there is some resentment, but it's because her values and mine did not sync up on this issue at all. It's like they thought they were Robin Hood, but the analogy breaks down when you realize that I'm not a crooked politician, I'm family.
squirrelgirl88
A wee bit of backstory before the real issue: I am the child of very religious parents. I am not. Tale as old as time. I have a serious boyfriend who I will most likely be moving in with in less than six months.

Issue: I have not told my parents this and I have no idea how to broach this subject with them. Any stories/suggestions from BUSTies out there? I'm struggling to figure out how to do this!!! sad.gif
foryoursplendor
My 16 year old brother got his hand cut up so badly that he had to have emergency surgery. He also got a broken nose. His older friends buy him alcohol, and he goes completely out of control. Surprisingly, he wants to have lunch with me and I'm really happy, but nervous about it. I have been working with teens for years, teens in much worse situations, but he's my brother so that makes it a million times harder. I want to fix everything that our parents did to us.
Persiflager
(((foryoursplendor))) He's lucky to have you as a sister.

Squirrel, do you live with your parents or on your own? And when will you know that you're definitely moving in together? I wouldn't broach the subject until I absolutely had to.
Synergy
Foryoursplendor; what is it that you want to make up for? You say you work with teens in a worse position than your brother, wich gives me the idea that he does stupid things like all teenagers do and not like the really deranged ones.
I worked with teens myself for a few jears; the really fucked up ones. The general thing that i noticed was that teens need boundaries and stability. They need to know what they can get from a person. The kids i used to work with knew exactly what they could and could not do and cursed me for it because i said no a lot of the times. In general they accepted me but didn't really like me because i didn't bend the rules a lot. But when they left, they made it clear that they appreciated me being very straightforward with them.
I'm probably not telling you anything new. All i wan't to say is, be straight to your brother even though it might be a little harsh sometimes. He will know that you are for real and knows what he can and can't expect from you.
This is very in general ofcourse.

So again: what is it you want to make up for? And how do you plan on making up for something someone else did?

Squirrel, can you give some more details? Do you live in the same area as your parents? Are you the first in your family with this issue (no brothers/sisters?).
My parents are religious too, but not too strict. When i moved in with a bf long time ago they thought of it as if i was married. It's too long of a story because it's not only religion related. It ended in not speaking to them for about a year. Then slowly the contact got better and now it is like before. My parents don't put religion above the choises i made as their child. They give me the freedom to make my own choises. How is that in your family?
foryoursplendor
Synergy, my parents have never been active parts of our lives, and have some pretty severe issues that they haven't dealt with healthily (sexual abuse, drug abuse, fear of authority, etc), and their problems spill into our lives on top of our own problems.

The good news is, is that we had lunch today. He was unusually upbeat, and actually left his girlfriend at home to come out with me. (I invited her, but she was too shy to come along). He was more talkative than he usually is, and he was excited to tell me that he stopped smoking weed and stopped drinking. He told me the entire story of what happened with his hand getting cut up, his broken nose and he realised the danger he'd put himself in and told me about how he doesn't want to ever be in a situation like it again.

Before I went, I had a huge amount of anxiety and was trying to think of ways to tell him how much I worry about him, how much I love him and would feel responsible if anything really terrible ever happened to him, tell him not to drink any more! I was astounded that I didn't even have to open my mouth and he just spilled all this out to me. I'm utterly relieved.

I invited he and his girlfriend, and our youngest brother over to my new apartment to go swimming and they seem pretty excited. I'm looking forward to it.
Persiflager
That's GREAT, foryoursplendor!
stargazer
Yay foryoursplendor and your brother! smile.gif

(((foryoursplendor)))
Synergy
Good to hear foryoursplendor!

I'm very happy for you!
anarch
Wonderful news, foryoursplendor.
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