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ginger_kitty
My mom disowned my sister a couple of years ago. It's strange, and too much to go into, but I decided to go to my sister's house for Thanksgiving this year. And my mom is pissed. She is acting like I have betrayed her. But I have nephews and a niece and it's important to me to be a part of thier lives. Plus my mom is nuts and has no reason to be mad at my sister.

Personally, I am glad I chose to go to my sis's. It will be a really peaceful, relaxing day. But I wonder if my mother will ever get over herself and realize how much time she is wasted. Not to mention how many of our life events she hasn't been apart of and maybe regret it someday.
gumby_cc
Happy Thanksgiving to people with family problems! Hope it isn't too painful for anybody, at least it's just one day...

Today shall be relatively pain free for me, except for the fact that I feel obligated to call my father, whom I haven't seen in a year and haven't spoken to in at least 4 months. I guess it could be worse....I could be seeing him in person.

Lets get through it together!
kelkello
I had to hang out with my family today. Egad. I had to play nice with my uncle who STOLE MY FUCKING CHRISTMAS GIFT last year. Who the hell steals gifts from their own family? And of course, everyone got completely wasted. My other uncle started his real life Michael Richards impression where every other word was the N word. I sometimes can't believe I have direct DNA links to these people. But I suffered through, and I lived to tell about it.
pinkmartyr
it just wouldn't be thanksgiving unless my mom got drunk and acted rudely!

xo to everybody with uncomfortable situations today!
sassygrrl
Pink, welcome to my world. My mother and father get drunk and yell at me over the phone about my lifestyle choices, and how all my friends are assholes. I was so happy to spend Turkey Day away from them. I am not looking forward to Christmas at all. sad.gif

They're now wanting me to move to SC to be closer to them. Although, I have not signed a lease at the new place. They put it in terms of if my new relationship and new job doesn't work out.... that's understandable, and a valid point. However, my shit job is getting better, and my relationship with Mcgeek is on the up and up.


Just when my life starts picking up, they have to just throw a monkey wrench into it.


((everyone))
ginger_kitty
(((busties))) Wish my mom would get drunk....it might help her loosen up!

I have to say I was pleasently surprised, my hubby and I both agreed this was our best Thanksgiving, ever. My sisters house and family were so relaxed and chill. We feasted, I played with my niece for hours. My sis and I drank wine, the guys had a couple beers and we all ended up playing cards. Wish all holidays could be that great!

*shivers* Christmas is close, and I'm just not lucky enough to have two great holidays in one year. My sister is going to me out of state, so we are stuck w/ my hubby's fam or my mom and dad......maybe we'll just go MIA and celebrate on our own.
persimmon_grrrl
hi busties,

i hope everyone survived the recent holiday with their sanity.
i have been feeling pretty depressed lately, and am still living with the family, unfortunately. my main struggle right now is finding a job. i was actually offered a job in another city, but i need to look out for my income, as well, and i would be struggling. however, now i regret not taking the job and just saying, "i don't care how much/little i make, i just need a job because i can finally move out!"
i didn't, though, and so i've been interviewing for jobs, and am waiting on other options for now.

i have this feeling that i'll never get better around the family. i feel so hopeless, helpless, and trapped around them, and i feel like when i do respond by expressing myself, it is just seen as my own "pathology," and i'm told to take medication. while i understand that depression and other forms of trying to cope, and the symptoms of not coping, deserve treatment and help, it is also important that my healing be connected with open-eyed awareness of the causal factors leading to my body expressing discomfort, through eating, depression, mood, etc.

i so often feel trapped, and only recently (this past weekend), i felt utterly hopeless and angry with myself for not being out of the parents' home sooner. i don't consider them my family, though. emotionally, i feel very numb and disconnected from them. i do not trust them, and they are not people i feel i can have any meaningful connection or conversation with.

my health is suffering as a result. i'm socially and politically conscious enough to know that "thinking differently" and "changing my perspective" often isn't enough to create the kind of sustainable change i'd like to see in my own life, and also in the world i see. too much of the "meditate it away" seems to individualize and pathologize a single person, not connecting up the dots, and honestly doesn't work, since it is very isolating in its approach.

i definitely try to build community where i am. because it was the holiday, people were being nicer to me, and it threw me off. i've become very guarded and emotionally self-enclosed since i began living with the parents again. while it has not been a year, it is psychically very dangerous for me to live with them. i've been attacked by them, and am constantly criticized, from being interrogated about what and how i fed their dogs, to why i opened a blind this morning while sitting to eat breakfast at the kitchen table.

they know i don't have the job to move out yet, and they know i won't move out until i am sure that i can find a job and know i won't ever have to come back here again. in a sense, i feel they use this knowledge against me, knowing i don't have much recourse. i spent as little time here as possible, but this weekend i was feeling quite low and hung around.

there is a lot of packing i need to do, but i'm hesitant to do so. i wish i could just say, "bugger it all," and just take the clothes, toiletries, and several books i have. what's holding me back? i feel like i have more things i need to take, like kitchen things i've acquired over the years, the many books and papers i have. i don't want to leave anything here when i leave, nothing that i would have to return to get.

i do not trust my parents and i do not want to stay here much longer. it is creating a lot of pain in myself. i am trying to be well.
kittenb
I am not sure if this is the best place to write about this but I can't find a better fit. So...

My sister and her husband are breaking up. Mostly because he has a new girlfriend. All of his friends are now telling her that for three years the man has been telling everyone that they have an open marraige and that my sis is okay with that.

Well, he never told her they were having an open marraige. And I know she would not have been okay with it. It is tearing me apart but I can't fo anything. I want to kill the motherfucker. I loved this man. He was my family! How dare he do this to my sister?

To make matters even worse, my parent marraige broke up years ago b/c of a long-standing affair on my mother's part. I don't know, if I was in my sister's shoes, if I would have been able to go to our parents for support. Luckily she has.

I can't even articulate how angry I am at him. He is a liar and a freak and I hope ge gets some horrible disease that he passes on to his new g/f. Stupid hippie freak. He belongs to a Greatful Dead-style band and when I have gone to the concerts there were always these tiny little hippy-ettes twirling around in long skirts cooing over him b/c he was such a "real hippie," or whatever. I am guessing that it is one of them that he is with now.

Stupid bastard!
ginger_kitty
(((kittenb & your sis)))

(((persimmon_grrrl))), I think all family's have there ups and downs. Distance can sometimes really help change things though. For me, I kind of vaguely get along with my parents, but we are so different. We just never seem to see eye to eye. And they are such cold people, I really don't think we'll ever connect or have a meanful relationship. But they are my parents so I try to accept them and hang on to some sort of relationship w/ them.
persimmon_grrrl
thanks, gk.

hugs busties.

today i went on a job interview, and saw a therapist. it was useful.
i bought some groceries. why is it so hard to feel normal around one's parents?
arg.

once i get a job, i am so out.
kittenb
QUOTE(persimmon_grrrl @ Nov 27 2006, 04:24 PM) *

why is it so hard to feel normal around one's parents?


Because as soon as we get near them, at least 10 years of wisdom and maturity is shaved off of us.
persimmon_grrrl
it must be the murphy's law of gravity. darn physics!
gumby_cc
There's this book called "sanity, madness, and the family", which just about saved my life....up until i read the book, I honestly thought i was going crazy....i come from an abusive, dysfunctional family and when i was living with my parents, i would try to have conversations with my mom about things my dad would do, and she would say to me, "that never happened! i dont know what you're talking about! stop making stuff up!"....i guess it was her way of coping, but i kept hearing it over and over and over again so i just eventually started believeing it. my boyfriend happened to give me the book and it was such a fucking relief to read it and realize that sanity was more a figment of perspective than anything else.
good luck all. this is a rough time of year.
anna k
I hung out with my sister and her friend yesterday, and my sister really gets on my nerves. She's whiny and obnoxious and bitchy and annoying as hell. She's still fat, and at dinner she drank beer and margaritas and filled up on chips with salsa. I wanted to tell her not to keep drinking because the sugar and carbs weren't doing any good. She curses a lot, still smokes, picks on me for not shopping for clothes often enough (I said to her that I could say plenty to her about her own faults, so don't talk about mine), and being around her is like lugging a heavy weight since she doesn't walk as fast as I do, so I feel slowed down by her. She acts really stupid, and I didn't feel bad for her when she stepped in a girl's way and the girl gave her a dirty look. My sister is big and unattractive, and if it was the other way around, my sister would be teasing a fat person behind their back. She still makes faces at me when someone seems weird or too "foreign," and I want to smack her for thinking she's better than them. She teases me for exercising all the time but she needs to do it more than I do, and I never see her be active unless she walks and moans about her feet hurting. She'll be 26 next year and still acts childish, despite all the "signs" she's received to grow up.
pinkmartyr
christmas is at my house this year for me, my fiance, his mom, and his sister. as i've mentioned before, my own mom has an alcohol problem, and my future MIL has a problem with it, too. on thanksgiving when i came in at noon, she was already two glasses deep in a bottle of wine. it made me really uncomfortable, after having dealt with that stuff with my own mom. sometimes i feel like i don't have time in my life for another person like that. in addition, the future MIL lives an hour out of town, and will be driving to our place for the afternoon.
here's the thing- i want to make a no-alcohol rule.
it would be different if it were just me and my boyfriend, or even the two of us and his sister. however, its going to be difficult enough being with his mom in the first place, and i don't want my cluttery feelings about drinking moms to affect the day.
one thing that might help is that we will probably do a brunch instead of a dinner since my boyfriend will probably have to work that night. usually, at a brunch, i'd serve mimosas or bloody marys, but i will find something else festive and alcohol free.
am i being unreasonable? i need a vote of confidence. do i need to lay down the law that we aren't drinking, or can i simply just not serve alcohol and say no if someone offers to bring it?
mornington
it sounds realistic to me - especially if you're working that evening. if you could talk to your future sil, it might make it easier.


gumby_cc
pinkmartyr, it may be reasonable for normal people to not be around alchohol during a holiday, but for an alcoholic it would be too much to bear.....alcoholism runs rampant in my family, and once when we all attended a wedding that didn't serve alcohol, everyone got so worked up that half of them left early so they could booze it up at a nearby bar. your mother (and in law) may give you a lot of crap about it but it's your house and you should do what you want. having a brunch instead of dinner is a great idea...

I think I would mention it before the party so that they are prepared....like don't make it a big deal but you don't want them to realize it's alcohol-free when they first get there, cause that is a recipe for a huge conflict.
erinjane
I think you should make a no alcohol rule. My SIL is an alcoholic (back in detox right now) and her family just gets drunk whenever they get together even though they know. We try to never drink around her because we know how hard it can be, but every time she gets together with her family she gets completely drunk and dragged back down. She'll be making some great progress, then BAM as soon as she's around her mom and sister, she reverts back to not caring anymore.
doodlebug
*delurks*

I think having a "dry" holiday meal is a great idea, and you should absolutely put whatever parameters you want to around events that you host. It's your right. I don't allow smoking in my home, and I don't make allowances for even the closest of friends on the coldest of days....not even for my own mother! It's my home.

The problem with alcoholics is that if you get in the way of their addiction, whatever you do will never be the "right" thing in their eyes, so you have to go ahead and do what you want anyway. (Smokers are much more polite than drunks.) If the alcoholic gets warning that the event will be "dry," she will probably either arrive intoxicated, or will be carrying her own secret stash. Or both. But if you DON'T give her advance warning, she may be miserable and testy - probably feeling like she's been blindsided or sucker-punched - and could be just as disruptive to the event without the availability of her "fix." I think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other. I would tend to side with being upfront that it's a "dry" event, b/c then she is the person who has to deal with the choice....the choice being whether or not she wants to hide her addiction and drink in secret, or stay sober for the duration of the event. It's a boundary that you set, and the alcoholic has to decide how to deal with it.

The real issue is how far you can go to control another person's behaviour, which isn't very far at all, in the end. Both my parents are/were recovered alcoholics (my father is deceased, hence the "were"...my mother has 20 years of sobriety, and my father had 10 before he died). I think one of the most harmful things our family did was to ignore the problem so long, and to cover up for the alcoholics. And on top of that, the non-alcoholics would try to control the behaviour of the alcoholics. It's futile, and pointless too, since it just puts the addict on the defensive about their addictive substance.

On the other hand, it is very healthy for friends and family of alcoholics to set up firm boundaries about what we are willing to tolerate personally, and to stick to those boundaries, even in the face of "difficult behaviour" from the alcoholic. I don't believe in accomodating alcoholism, and I'm no longer shy about enforcing my boundaries...to the point of confrontation (not only of alcoholics, but also of those who "enable" alcoholics), and even cutting alcoholics out of my life, if need be. You have to do what's best for your own well-being, in the end.

Anyway. Good luck with the holidays, everyone!

*relurks*
bustygirl
Hear, hear, doodle! Clear-headed as usual.

It certainly puts my problems with my MIL in perspective. Here it is 7 days before Xmas, and no calls or emails I have sent requesting their side of the family's schedule for the holidays have gone answered. I finally got tired of making my entire family wait to make plans, so I scheduled them for Xmas, and have left Xmas eve open for Eddie's fam. (which we are not close with, and for the most part don't even like.)

They did this shit on Thanksgiving, where they emailed me less than a week before the day to try to schedule a time for us to come by WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS AT WORK. When lo and behold, we couldn't accommodate them, she made some talk about all of us going out for chinese because she really wanted to see the baby. (who she hasn't seen since his birthday, in august.) I said that would be great. She then never got back to us.

My husband's boorish, mouthbreathing half-shaved ape of an uncle, wh works with him, came up and asked why we didn't see the family over thanksgiving. Eddie told him that we tried to get a hold of them, but they never called us back. He then made some joke about my MIL not wanting to babysit. (as if we are leeches for thinking she might want to see her granchild, whom she 'loves' so much.)

I am so sick of this family's bullshit. My guess is this: she's either mad that we didn't see her at Thanksgiving, mad that my mom and I planned the party for the baby's birthday without her(which I did because it was at my mother's house, and my MIL treated my mother like a servant at their co-planned baby shower, and I wasn't going to put my mother through that again.), or she's just plain mad because of something she made up in her head that we did wrong.

I hate passive aggression, and I hate abusive, sneaky people. They'll never cop to their bullshit around me, because they know I'll let them have it. So what will happen is this: we will stop by on Xmas eve, and if they're there, they'll act happy to see us. Then, at work, Eddie's uncle will come up to him and pass on whatever bitchiness his mom has to say about it, and because he's put on the spot and not a confrontational person, Eddie will demur. And so the cycle will go on and on again.

I know the day is coming when we just don't speak to that side of the family at all, and I can't wait. If I didn't believe that my son deserved all the people in his life who would treat him right, I would tell the lot of them to go fuck themselves and never look back.
deschatsrouge
K I know this is ott and a teenager sounding rant, but I always regress when I'm with my parents.

I'm staying at my parents house right now. My Dad is being an uptight jerk. I realize why I left home and never looked back. The resentment in this house is palpable.

GAHHHH.

My Brother dumped his girlfriend for cheating on him after he caught her with another guy (during the holidays no less). So my brother is having a REALLY crappy holiday and my Dad is mad at him for it. Like he's not alowed to to feel like crap, like he has to keep it all inside and on the outside be all happy and smiley. I resent my dad for not giving my brother time to grieve and to have a bad attitude. (I, personally have no problem with letting my brothert be a grouch, I think he's entitled, I mean jeez, his girlfreind cheated on him and he had to dump her during the HOLIDAYS.) My Brother resents my Dad for being apathetic and my Dad resents my brother for being in a crappy mood.

My brother wants to go to Morocco next Christmas, and I'm thinking that's not a bad Idea.
*sings the resentment song*

You know what else, my dad puts food in the fridge and gets mad when people eat it. He doesn't tell any one he's saving it, so when they accidentally eat it, he gets mad and every resents every one else for EATING SOMTHING. (it's f@#$%^*# food, you CAN buy some more!). I have decided to assume all food in the fridge is off limits and will inform everyone else of this so we can cut down on resentment (ha ha ha).

I needed to get that off my chest b/c I have no therepist here.

la la la drama la
persimmon_grrrl
hey dechatsrouge - commiseration galore-a-rama here.

i am only at the family house for a few days, but i am being rather antisocial, sitting upstairs. at this point, avoiding being around hypocritical company is the best plan to avoid hypertension and other cumulative and easily preventable cardio-pulmonary disease.
ah - and did i mention that they are homophobic, bush-supporting, ACLU-is-ruining-North-America types? yes, that, too.

oof.

i am happy to hear that you moved out of there, though, at least you have minutes (hours?) till you get to skedaddle.

i hope all the other busties are hanging in there, and hanging out, if possible. i am leaving tomorrow, and didn't know there'd be a time when i'd be so out of season. very soon, i am envisioning holidays that are much more enjoyable.
deschatsrouge
Thanks for the commiseration Persimmon.

Maud help me I have weeks before I skedaddle.

Let us pray,
Dear Maud, may my dad grow some empathy, may my brother heal after his exgirlfriend ripped his heart out, may I have patience. May persimmon's cardio-vascular system stay intact over the holidays, may the ACLU ruin America, May persimmon and every one else survive the holidays with their family.

In Mauds name we ask, ommmmmmen.
doodlebug
(((((big hugs for everyone who needs 'em)))))

busty...are ya still planning to visit the in-laws tonight?
pinkmartyr
wish i could have you all over for a break from the undesirable situations. i am home alone for a few hours since my boyfriend is at work, and all the family has gone home.

we did brunch at our place. totally alcohol free, in fact, i hid all the alcohol at his sister's suggestion. that topic went very well. my food was also very good, as was my non-denominational pre-meal prayer, if i do say so. my bf and i were great hosts.

other things did not go well- everyone was late (his sister's 15 minutes was understandable, his mom's hour was not), no one was ready to leave at the agreed time (matt and i said we needed to break the party up around 2 so that we could stop by to see my parents before his work time at 5, but the in laws didn't show signs of leaving til 2:45, then his mom "lost" her keys so we were delayed til 3:30 and only got to spend an hour at my parent's house). later in the day his mom started nagging me about wedding stuff, and it really set me off. i tried hard to be polite and not a doormat and did well. tonight the mister and i are splitting dishes because NO ONE OFFERED TO HELP CLEAN UP. i'm serious. we provided all the food, bought all the groceries, and did all the work. it would have been nice to hear, "let me wash this pan for you," or "let me take our plates to the kitchen."

that was his family. with my family, there is sister-in-law drama and my mom is drunk, so i am screening my phone calls. i think will go un-hide the hendricks gin and have a drink!
bsmoothec
I feel so bad for you.... that was very disrespectful for them to stay late!!!! Hope your New years is better!!


QUOTE(pinkmartyr @ Dec 25 2006, 10:00 PM) *

wish i could have you all over for a break from the undesirable situations. i am home alone for a few hours since my boyfriend is at work, and all the family has gone home.

we did brunch at our place. totally alcohol free, in fact, i hid all the alcohol at his sister's suggestion. that topic went very well. my food was also very good, as was my non-denominational pre-meal prayer, if i do say so. my bf and i were great hosts.

other things did not go well- everyone was late (his sister's 15 minutes was understandable, his mom's hour was not), no one was ready to leave at the agreed time (matt and i said we needed to break the party up around 2 so that we could stop by to see my parents before his work time at 5, but the in laws didn't show signs of leaving til 2:45, then his mom "lost" her keys so we were delayed til 3:30 and only got to spend an hour at my parent's house). later in the day his mom started nagging me about wedding stuff, and it really set me off. i tried hard to be polite and not a doormat and did well. tonight the mister and i are splitting dishes because NO ONE OFFERED TO HELP CLEAN UP. i'm serious. we provided all the food, bought all the groceries, and did all the work. it would have been nice to hear, "let me wash this pan for you," or "let me take our plates to the kitchen."

that was his family. with my family, there is sister-in-law drama and my mom is drunk, so i am screening my phone calls. i think will go un-hide the hendricks gin and have a drink!

deschatsrouge
Pink, I'm not polite, I would have asked them to help clean up and then told them to get the f%^& out.
kelkello
My dad's wife of 23 years died. Three weeks later he has a girlfriend. Am I the only one who thinks that is fucked up?
deschatsrouge
My Grandpa pulled the same stunt, my Grandma was barly dead six months. he went around good timing and shacked up with this German sex pot. My Grandpa gave her all my Grandma's valuable jewelry, china and silver. He later had a commitment ceremony with her. I now call her the defiler of my grandmother memory, every one else calls her Irene.
erinjane
My grandma did a similar thing when my grandpa died in 1982 (before my time). I never felt weird about knowing it though. She got married when she was 18, had her first kid at 20, spent most of her life in some form of depression, and had an affair in her 40's. They pulled through I always knew she loved my grandpa but I think she loved the other guy more. So when he died she got together again with the guy she'd had the affair with 20 years earlier.
wombat
I'm of mixed opinion about this. In one sense, I think they should make sure that certain items and money are passed down through the family. certainly.

But I also think that my older relatives have a right to be happy and have some love and even sex in their lives. Many of them have spent a whole life working and sacrificing.
anna k
This:

QUOTE
She got married when she was 18, had her first kid at 20, spent most of her life in some form of depression


was my grandma's life. She received electroshock therapy when she was in her forties (in the 1970s), and had a lot of issues, which I never asked her about. She divorced my grandpa, and remarried later, being married until her second husband died from cancer. Since then she had a longtime boyfriend, but behind her sweet demeanor is a prickly determination.
pinkmartyr
my future mother in law tried to borrow money from our joint account behind my back. she thought i'd never know, but thankfully, my fiance and i have a solid relationship and tell each other things. he told her no, that it was our policy not to lend money from our joint account. she's not having an emergency- she just didn't plan ahead, financially. he also told her that it was disrespectful to try to borrow our money without both of us knowing.
some background: she volunteered to pay for something wedding related. after paying for it ourselves and waiting two months for her check, her check bounced. she brought cash over on christmas day. two days later, she called and asked for it back. that was the money she wanted to borrow.
when she found out that her son told me all about it, she called and left me this voice mail where she was crying and saying she was sorry but she thought i'd never have to know.
after not talking to her for several days because i was so angry, i've just written her a polite, but to the point email about her dishonesty.
wombat
pinkmartyr: ow. I'm glad your husband stands firm against his mother.

Yeah, anna_k, my mom had back pain and stomach pain and depression on and off, but never serious enough to be considered clinical depression. She was a fighter. The fact is that her mother had been a real bon vivant who married a strict man from Europe, and they lived very restricted lives.

My mom's rebellious and glamourous marriage ended up with her taking care of two kids in a little house in the middle of nowhere.

So, though she had positive qualities, I just didn't want to end up like that. The daily misery is a bad thing to look at. I supported her decision to split up with my dad after I left home and to go get jobs and have some new romances.
pinkmartyr
we have decided that one of our moms will win the batshit crazy award each week. last week, his mom was the winner, because of the money incident. this week, however, my mom is the winner of the batshit crazy award, because she looked up his mom's name in the public court records, printed them all out, and handed them to me as to prove some sort of point. my mom is incredibly nosy and always has been. she thinks nothing of asking how much money we have in the bank, or asking about the details of his mom's life. his mom is irresponsible and undependable. they can't stand eachother. i don't know what to do about it.
lucizoe
((pinkmartyr)) ugh. You have my sympathies. In-laws can often blow goats.
anna k
My sister is embarassing to me sometimes. She just called me and told me how drunk she got last night with her friends, and the stupid fight that went on between two of her friends and her friend's cousin (her friend's married cousin was trying to have sex with the other friend and everyone believed that she was going for it). My sister called the cousin "white trash," and twice referred to the fight as "so ghetto and so Jerry Springer." I hate the use of the word ghetto as being derogatory and nasty, same as white trash (since my sister has turned pretty trashy herself, and she still lives in the same Long Island town she grew up in and hangs out with her deadbeat high school friends at nearly 26). She depresses me when I talk to her, and complains about how tired she is and how bored she is, but she doesn't do much to change it.
whitelightning
i grew up on long island too...many, many people end up like your sister (it almost happened to me) and she probably is too depressed and scared to do anything about it. perhaps you can encourage her to try something new or move to a different place, while she's still single and child-free. but if she's buying into all those labels, then maybe she's too far gone, i don't know.

but as far as "trash" goes....they ain't trash. trash gets picked up!

p.s. i saw that on a shirt somewhere
deschatsrouge
Long Island can't be as bad a Idaho in the white trash department. I think Idaho has cornered the market.
gumby_cc
This problem doesn't really compare with some other problems posted here, but I guess I just need to rant....

My mom is only 50 and her memory sucks. But two days ago I was mentioning to her about how my boyfriend wants to apply for an artist residency in Roswell, NM, and how I would prefer to live in Santa Fe instead. And she says to me, "Why, have you ever been there before?"

It just negates every previous conversation we've had about it. It isn't like I stayed over there one night and randomly told her about it.....my boyfriend and I went on vacation there two years ago, and we probably have talked to her about Santa Fe like once a month since then! Not only did she see our vacation pictures, not only did she flip through 2 cookbooks from Santa Fe restaurants (which is filled with pictures and say 'Santa Fe' right on the cover), but I have made recipes FROM the cookbooks for her on several occasions, and every time she asks me where I got the recipe, I tell her from the restaurants we ate at in Santa freakin Fe!

God! It's like, I really wonder why I bother telling her anything at all, cause she is just going to fucking forget it. And she doesn't think her memory problem is "that bad".
anna k
Being with my sister can make me depressed. She's doing better (hasn't smoked in two weeks), but she talks like a stupid teenager, is very judgemental, only reads celebrity tabloids, and always acts impressed when I know some random fact she doesn't know. She acted incredulously over how many Jews were in Roslyn, NY (like she didn't know before), and she said on the phone to her friend, "I've been working like a nigger." Her friend told a story about some groper who she made out with at a party despite being turned off by him, and it made me lose sympathy for her, how she kept going on about him being gross but me thinking, "You didn't do much to tell him off, you desperate twit." My sister blasts the radio b/w the same pop stations and complains there's nothing good on but doesn't listen to anything else. She gets on my nerves, and I went out to see her so she'd feel better, but at the expense of me wanting to tell her to fuck off and grow up and stop acting like a pissy teenager at nearly 26.
ginger_kitty
I thought not having children meant I got to skip the lectures on how to raise my kids, from my mother in law. But my mil came over the other day and started lecturing me on how to take of our dogs! Our one dogs has seasonal allergies that flare up from winter to spring. So she starts questioning me on how much benadryl I'm giving him what products I use, shampoo, ear care stuff. And telling me which products she uses, b/c they are the best. I was annoyed as hell. I use the ear care solution our trusted vet, gives us. And an all natural oatmeal, tea tree shampoo that the vet reccommended. But for some reason, she believes she is more knowledgable that both my vet and myself. And tells me everything I am doing is wrong. Then she asks what he is allergic to, and I tell her we aren't sure. So, she says it's probably dust mites, your house is so dusty. The women offers me some of her dogs prescription pills, which are a steriod and I am like no, I can just ask the vet for something if his symptoms get worse. A few weeks ago she gave me some pills, to give my hubby b/c I said he was having a bad day. She said, "This is mellow his ass out." I am not sure if she wanted me to drug him or what.

When she finally changes the subject she tries to give us some furniture, from a cousin or something. Both my hubby and I like the couch and chair, that we have so we were like no, that is okay. But she just has to say that thier furniture is much nicer than what we have. She has a lot of nerve! Before leaving she lets us know a friend of hers has puppies for sale if we want one. But we already have three dogs and don't want another right now. So I said something to that affect to her. And she looks around me, and askes my husband what he wants! Like my opinion doesn't matter. He tells her he doesn't even like schaunzers or whatever, that we seriously can't afford another dog, and aren't interested any getting another one until ours have died. To which she says, well I was just letting you know. His family is freaking nuts.
auralpoison
I need to call my mother about some legal issues we need to deal with, but I just can't stand it. Just hearing her voice puts my teeth on edge.

It's gotten worse since she was here a month ago & I got to find out about a bunch of stuff that she chose not to tell me before because I might react poorly. Cos, y'know, she knows me so well & cares about my feelings. I knew her drunk BF had pretty much moved into our house. Whatever. As long as he keeps her happy & off my back, I don't care. BUT. I got to learn facts like her boyfriend's grown-ass twenty-something son now lives in my childhood home & has taken over my bedroom & that I, "Wouldn't even recognize it now." Fantastic. I'll never find any of my stuff again because I'm sure she just dumped it all in boxes in the basement without labels. Oh, and that he's been providing her with prescription drugs, willynilly. GREAT. I thought we'd worked that problem out already. She came out to move her stuff out of our apt/do something with her car, but was too *cough* sick to do it & wasted four of my days & I still wound up picking up her slack. Cleaning out her room led me to all kinds of fascinating dicoveries that I don't want to think about; least of all the fucking cheap WALGREEN's pregnancy test I found hidden in her closet. Great. Looking back, I know exactly when it was purchased because she went on one her big lie sprees about how she was trying to ease my burden & take care of somethings herself. Riiiiight. She just didn't want me to know she might be carrying Redneck's seed.

The capper: the Redneck comes to get some of her stuff. I leave it in a pile in the hall hoping to avoid seeing him. He's not a bad guy, he's just an idiot & sticks his nose in where it doesn't belong because he thinks he's helping. NOT! His parting words were that I should call her more because she really misses it. Cos y'know, she doesn't have a phone or anything & it's all my fault that she sucks. The woman doesn't do anything she doesn't want to do & she's not willing to stop all the lying bullshit since it works for her. I'll no longer stand for it. She made her bed, now that's what she's got to lie in. And I do mean *lie*.

And it's looking like I may have to sue her myself to get the things that are rightfully mine since she won't do anything about it. If it doesn't concern her immediate life, she doesn't care.

When I called her from the hospital about my broken ankle she even tried to make that all about her. I bitched about how this was going to effect my work, "Well, I don't even know where you work. *sniff*" That's because it's none of your business & I don't want you bugging me there. Then she wanted my friends numbers. Riiiiight. So you can call them & dig for dirt since you won't call me directly, you fucking sneak.

ARGH! Is matricide painless?
deschatsrouge
*need to rant*

My brother recently broke up with his girlfriend of four years. Normally I would say, yeah that sucks, but he is 19. Four years is practically half of his life. My parents are expecting him to get over this yesterday. So he calls me and unloads, which is good, I want him to be able to talk about it with someone because I know my parents have no empathy about this stuff. Because He is not talking to my parents about it they call me to get the dish. I tell them the facts of his relationship and not to be down on him about it, to give him love and understanding, not advice, not bitchy comments. I gave my mom a talk that in a tactful, round about way said don't be an effing bitch.

All this comes under the umbrella of my brothers recent move away from my parents. He' only in his second semester of college. He's never been away from home and is still learning to get by and to be independent while going to class. And since he just broke up with the girl he's been dating for most of his life and still green at the whole college thing, his life is a living hell. He's not doing well in school right now.

After I told my parents not to jerks to him my mom was having a convo on instant message. she asks him how he's doing and he says "as well as can be expected". My mom after knowing all the stuff I told her about how his life sucks right now and don't be a bitch. she says to him, "Are your expectations high?" and she acted all indignant when my brother got angry with her and didn't talk to her for a week.

to top this all off I get a call from my sister who still lives with my parents telling me she's suicidal. She called the suicide hot line and they sent cops to my parents house. Now my parents won't look her in the eye because they do not have the capacity to deal with her mental illness because it is shameful. They believe that this is a moral problem, that my sister has a weak character, and if she would just decide to pull her self up by her boot straps and not be mentally ill anymore all this will go away. They don't want to realize that mental illness is like diabetes, it needs treatment for the victim to be functional.

bottom line, my parents are emotionally distant and so my sibling who I basically raised myself need me and I'm 500 miles away trying to get them the help they need. I feel helpless, I know I'm the only support my brother and sister have, I need to develop a plan to help both of them because my parents don't see the damage they are doing, they won't admit their lack of communication skills and do not see the flaws in their thinking and character.

I really feel like I have to save this sinking ship.


gumby_cc
deschatsrouge, are things better? i really hope your sister is getting the help she seems to need. it's hard to remember sometimes, no matter how much effort you put in and how much you try, you can't control what how your family members treat each other. i hope you are managing ok.

Background: My parents divorced about three years ago, and my father has always been horrible: controlling, manipulative, emotionally distant, abusive, neglectful, etc. After the divoce he still used to call me and my brothers and try to make plans with us which weren't usually welcome, but I would try to keep minimum contact with him. He is totally secretive about his life. we don't even know where he lives. he says he'll call in the random erratic emails we get, but he doesn't actually call.

I got engaged a month ago and sent him an email telling him that. five days later I got a card that said, "much happiness to you both." then he signed his full name, like it was a check or something. that is the only contact i have had from him. I have TWO therapists and both said it was outrageous he would respond that way to me. one said to cut him off permanently (it's a shitty relationship anyway) and the other said to throw him a bone and give him the benefit of the doubt.

but yesterday my mom (they are on horrible terms) got a phone call from him saying that he needs to sell the house she is living in. it's part of their divorce agreement that they would, but he has been MIA for two months--she hasn't heard a word from him. he said he is now in a rush to sell it. she asked him if it was possible to keep it off the market the week before the wedding--we want to have it sometime this summer because we have absolutely no money and want to have it in the backyard. he said to her, "I dont even know why you would ask me. i am in a rush to sell this house. why would you even think i wouldn't be in a rush?" and my mom said beacuse she hadn't heard from him in two months. then he started screaming at her that he was busy because he was out of the country (which he didn't even tell us about) and now he's ready to sell.

i called him tonight and left a message that said, "just want to talk to you about the wedding, and how your trip was", but i dont think he'll call me back. i can't get over how much of an asshole he is. and the saddest part is just how he treats his family. i can't feel bad for him when he treats my family like shit. it's toxic. i have so much anxiety about this phone call. he's so defensive that he can do no wrong. initially i was thinking maybe hopefully he would help pay for some of the wedding! but now i'm asking myself if he would even attend.
LoveMyPugs
I know I’m not a regular to this thread but I kind of want to rant and kind of want some advice...

My mom has been pretty sick the last four weeks. Let me first say that my mom and I don't get a long well to begin with but lately with her being sick she has just been terrible to my dad, me and my sister. She has a bacteria infection in her blood, the infection settled into the joint where her breastbone and collar bone meet and now has a large, inflamed, hard abscess there. She’s in a lot of pain but personally I think she's a little bit of a baby, meaning a low pain tolerance, which is fine by all means, we can't all be tough.

She was in the hospital for a total of nine days. My dad stayed with her twelve hours a day and my sister and I were there usually about five hours a day. We are both in school and it's the end of the semester so we are both crunching to get shit done. My mom made this comment to my dad that there is plenty of other time to do homework and that we should be there with her. When we would come later in the day say after lunch she'd make smart-ass comments like where had we been and did we get lost on the way.

She thinks that my dad should speak to the doctors for her and yet when he does she gets angry that he forgets things and she says he's not supporting her. I understand that she's in a lot of pain and is sick and tired of being ill but she is being awful. My dad walked out of the hospital once and cried in the lobby and then after the came home he left her alone because she was screaming at him and he went and ate dinner alone then went for a cigar smoke in the park.

She has always been sort of mean and selfish in my opinion. Her mother was the same way. But, this shit is getting out of control. We are all doing our best to help her through this frustrating time but she makes us all want to quit. I called her yesterday to see how she was doing and she said, "Sheena, I just don't want to talk to you right now." I asked if I did something wrong or if she was angry with me and she said no but was so cold about it.

Mr. Pugs gets angry with me for still going to see her and calling her when all she does is yell at me and make me feel like a terrible daughter. I think he has a point here but she's my mom right? I have to be supportive. I told Mr. Pugs that when this is all over she would apologize. Mr. Pug and my dad, who was also in the room, just laughed and said in unison, "Fat chance. Don't hold your breath."

I think my dad is really taking this hard. She is so mean to him. He is trying the best he can to make her comfortable, help her to and from her appointments, keep her job posted and juggle the doctors. He is doing everything and she sits on the couch watching TV all day. She needs to rest but for fucks sake she's not dying. What more does she want from all of us? I think the memories from this whole thing are really going to stick in his mind for a long time and that worries me for him and their relationship, which has never been great IMO.

Rant over...comments? Am I the terrible daughter that I feel like?
mornington
((((pugs)))) NO. you're going beyond the call if she's being constantly nasty. I can understand irritable, but i don't think she's being fair on any of you. Support your dad, because tbh, it sounds like he needs it more than she does.

((((gumby))))

((((deschat)))) how's you're brother? and your sister?


i died of shock last night. my father took and interest, offered his help with finding a farm placement (likely outcome is minimal, but still), and was perfectly happy to pay for repairs to my bike. My god... is this possible? Or is it a case of invasion of the bodysnatchers? And how long will this last...
i_am_jan
(((((all))))))

...I hope everyone is doing okay...things have a way of getting better if you can just make it through somehow...

Pugs: Do you at least feel better since you wrote out that post here on this Board? Sometimes that helps me a little bit. Your post really strikes a chord with me. I too am the daughter of a mother who abuses verbally and emotionally in a severe way. And particularly my dad, as he is taken for granted as someone who is always there for her. It's so difficult to watch that happen, isn't it? My dad is so broken, it brings tears to my eyes to think about him. And there's really nothing you can do for him, is there? I wish I knew what to say but I don't. For me, it's been a situation that I constantly have to deal with that never really ends.

First of all, You are a *wonderful* daughter to have been there for your mom during this time. And to keep coming back despite her volatile attitude. ?! Some would have given up on that woman by now. Do you know that?

A couple things I always try to remember when dealing with my mom and dad. First, I know where my mom came from. She came from a horrible childhood situation - an extremely abusive one worse than I could ever imagine, and I know she tried her best to not be like her own parents, although she never was able to escape that behavior instilled in her. The reminder of this keeps me still trying to be patient and as accepting of her as I can. (And it is NOT. EASY. sometimes. She can be mean as a snake and you know what I mean.)

As far as my dad goes, I try to be patient with my MOM - because I know that if I don't, or if I say anything to her -she will take it out on HIM. So, maybe that is the one thing you CAN do for your dad. Go easy on HER and hope it will 'trickle down' his way at some point(?)

Also, if you can, maybe give your dad a big hug every day you see him and make it clear that you and everyone else does see what a wonderful man he is. And respects him for his being there for his wife no matter what.

I really hope things start to get better soon. And I hope your mom's infection gets cleared up too.

gumby_cc
Hope everyone is feeling better.

My father called me last Thursday to tell me that he would be too busy this weekend to talk to me about my wedding, but maybe sometime this week we can "connect". Which is just a giant pile of BS. He has never followed through on anything before. I know I have every right to be furious, but if I express anything less than utmost devotion and approval, then he becomes nasty and toxic. I am convinced he has a narcissistic personality disorder. And I don't even know what I would say if I finally caught him on the phone. "Hello, what the hell is your f'in problem?" It's been over a month he's known I'm getting married and he hasn't once contacted me to ask me what my plans are.
into_a_bulb
Well here goes my number two post on here, heh.

My boyfriend's family drives me crazy. Today they actually threatened legal actions unless I rush my daughter to the hospital because they're convinced my daughter has Celiac (severe allergies to gluten and wheat). They have a doctor in the family who doesn't even specialize in pediatrics telling them that I'm wrong when it comes to my own daughter. It all started earlier in the week because she got a virus. We had her in the ER and contacted her ped who told us that he was 100 percent sure it was just a virus (diarrhea, vomiting, red rash). The rash only lasted for a day or so. I think it was more related to a fever than anything else. Even the ER doc was convinced it was just a virus. His family had apparently told this doctor in the family that my daughter has severe digestive problems. Her severe problems-LACTOSE INTOLERANCE. Just because my daughter can't digest milk properly they tell people that she has any number of known diseases. It's exhausting.

The other day I decided to call my mother after seven at night which I had known would have been a big mistake and my worst fears were realized when she continued to repeat herself over and over again incoherently, dropping the phone, and barraging me with questions on my religious affiliation now and how my daughter will go to hell because we don't attend the Catholic church. (She was majorly intoxicated as is the case most nights). Then she went on a tangent about things that happened between us years ago and how she knows that she was never abusive towards me. If you all knew the real story you'd be able to understand the pain this caused me. Then my sister gets on the phone and when I try to start a conversation she delivers one word responses and then says she has to go. I have absolutely no bond with her and I feel horrible since I'm only meeting with her for the third time in my life and she's now fourteen.
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