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_octinoxate
Hi Sparrow! Welcome to the thread. We're not really too hung up on labels, and I personally believe that eating disorders are not a yes/no matter but rather a continuum. And I think that many many people fall somewhere far from the 100% healthy end of that continuum. Point is, we're all about discussing any food/body/self-image issues in this thread and it's not important if you officially have an ED or not. Feel free to post about whatever's on your mind!

I remember reading the intro to some new book on food issues in america and the author said that we as a country have a collective eating disorder-- that's the only thing that can explain how overnight we all swore off *bread*, a staple of so many cultures for so many years. I think there's something to that, no?

Hope all you ladies are doing ok.
knorl05
yes yes MaybeSparrow WELCOME. glad you've found us... like octi said we dont care about labels. if you think you've got an eating disorder, you're the best authority of your habits, so you probably do. i think it's important to recognize the problem so that you can work toward a solution. what does your typical day consist of?
MaybeSparrow
QUOTE(knorl05 @ May 2 2007, 10:33 PM) *
yes yes MaybeSparrow WELCOME. glad you've found us... like octi said we dont care about labels. if you think you've got an eating disorder, you're the best authority of your habits, so you probably do. i think it's important to recognize the problem so that you can work toward a solution. what does your typical day consist of?


Well, depending on my schedule--I get up and go for a 25 minute run, then I eat breakfast (which I spend time calculating calories in relation to the rest of the day, should I eat more in the morning? Will I have enough calories allotted to get through the rest of my day?), then I go to work or walk a mile and a half to class and typically can't wait until I can eat again. This is true regardless of how hungry I am. I eat my morning snack and then go to another class with my boyfriend and have to struggle to not eat his food too--I usually give in and then get mad at myself.
Then I go to work, where I have all my snacks I packed from the night before. I usually count my calories consumed up until that time of the day, and try to figure out what I will eat for the rest of the day. Then I walk about 2 miles home and eat a little something and go for another 25 minute run. Sometimes I do the workout all at once, and I usually have 1-2 days "off". I say that in quotes because I walk EVERYWHERE, and the days I don't work out I feel really guilty.
The reason I know I have a problem is because no one else in my life spends as much time as I do thinking about food. I am sickened by the amount of time I put into counting, recounting, planning meals, and then feeling guilty when I don't follow the plan exactly. Sorry for the crazy ramblings, but that is how my day typically goes---from meal to meal. I don't eat to live, I live to eat. I allow myself big indulgences often, but I just wish I could do so without having to justify it, feel guilty, or work out extra. Any suggestions?
knorl05
sorry for delay.. been busy. still cant reply in depth like i would like.. i guess my main thing i would say is that it does sound like an unhealthy distraction to you, an obsession of sorts. do you feel out of control in other areas of your life?
MaybeSparrow
QUOTE(knorl05 @ May 4 2007, 02:04 PM) *
sorry for delay.. been busy. still cant reply in depth like i would like.. i guess my main thing i would say is that it does sound like an unhealthy distraction to you, an obsession of sorts. do you feel out of control in other areas of your life?


It feels unhealthy because I seem to spend so so much time thinking about food, and exercise is a whole other story. If I have the opportunity to exercise, like if I have an unexpected night off, and I don't exercise, the guilt is overwhelming. Like today I went out with my boyfriend and another couple, and we had Punch pizza. I didn't work out today, and I feel so GUILTY. Even though all the pants I bought two months ago are somewhat big on me, and I worked out yesterday. See what I'm doing! I'm justifying myself as I type this. Sigh, I am just so very tired of thinking about it so much, I can't even remember the last time I wasn't aware of the size of every girl in the room, or what I've eaten in the past few days, or how much I've worked out.
Sooooo, to answer your question yes, if feels like an unhealthy distraction. Whats more is that I'm afraid to break away from it (even though I don't know how), because I"m afraid I'll gain back all the weight I've lost.
Perhaps its because I am so controlling of every little thing in my life, and thats how I deal with stress (I'm a chronic tidier, and list-maker). I just worry because I can feel myself becoming more and more obsessed. Sorry this is so long, its just good to get it out, I feel locked in my head sometimes because most people can't understand how something like food can occupy so much of your thoughts.....
knorl05
maybesparrow: the one thing you dont have to do is apologize for having too much to say on these boards, that's why we're here. wink.gif it is so important to get it out, because it helps you reflect on what you're thinking and also releases some of the pressure than can build up in your head. it's funny you mentioned all those things you're obsessed with because i forgot i was obsessed with them too. and i know how i hated being so preoccupied with stuff that i knew was wasting my time. i hated being bulimic, but i felt like i needed it and i was afraid to give it up because i didnt know what the outcome would be if i did. bulimia was my stability and my structure. it was my catharsis. so i understand the fear you have of the unknown and of changing your patterns. and the only thing i can say, is face your fears. it's the only way to get through your obsession.. if you dont have a therapist, i would suggest you find one. everyone is neurotic, psychotic, and crazy to some degree - it's the ones who deny it that are controlled by it. i was scared consulting a therapist but i had to see what my options were, either continue being miserable or seek professional help. i would also suggest maybe reading some stuff about developing a more calm, peaceful, relaxed state of mind. a cute book i picked up a while back ("if life is a game, these are the rules") offers some great perspective. there's nothing wrong with the way you think or the type of person that you are, so dont fight it.. just try to learn to chill it out when need be. meditation and yoga help tremendously as well.
crinoline
QUOTE(MaybeSparrow @ May 5 2007, 02:11 AM) *
...Sigh, I am just so very tired of thinking about it so much, I can't even remember the last time I wasn't aware of the size of every girl in the room, or what I've eaten in the past few days, or how much I've worked out.
Sooooo, to answer your question yes, if feels like an unhealthy distraction. Whats more is that I'm afraid to break away from it (even though I don't know how), because I"m afraid I'll gain back all the weight I've lost.


Wow can I relate to that statement about being tired of constantly being hyper aware of anything remotely food/weight related.

I can't even get away from it when I sleep. Often in my dreams people remark on my weight or eating habits. Last night I dreamt I was a photographer, photographing this woman's beautiful Victorian home, and she told me as I was leaving that I would be much more successful if I lost 10 pounds. This had such an impact on me that I woke up worried I had gained weight overnight.

One should not worry too much about labels, but it can be useful to know precisely what one is dealing with. You may not identify yourself as anorexic/bulimic/etc. , but it is clear that you have an unhealthy relationship with food and your body. Being aware of the destructive consequences of that is a step in the right direction. Recovery may mean a series of tiny baby steps, but progress is progress. Knorl05 gave some very good advice. A good therapist can sometimes make all the difference in the world.

MaybeSparrow
Thanks you guys for the advice, I really appreciate being able to vent. I talk to people in my life about it, but its hard for them to relate. Its just frustrating to preface all my statements with "I know this isn't rational but....."

In two weeks I have like three food related events going on in three days and I already am starting to feel anxiety about it. I know I wont be able to resist any of the food and I will have to feel guilty...cheesecake, sushi, grad party....what to do, what to do.
knorl05
maybesparrow: moderation smile.gif i love having self control in my eating habits because i am able to endulge to a certain point and then tell myself "no" once i know i've had enough. i've noticed that after eating so much of something the flavor becomes bland and the experience becomes routine. hope i explained that right..
crinoline
Aargh!! Exam stress is eating away at my willpower!
I've been borderline binging for the past few days. I've eaten pizza twice, and full-fat brownies, etc. On one hand, I want to be able to just say screw it, and eat whatever I want, because it's only for a week. On the other hand, I'm afraid that I'll balloon out of control in both my weight and eating habits. Aaargh!!! I don't have time to be obsessing on this, I need to study!!!
MaybeSparrow
QUOTE(crinoline @ May 8 2007, 11:13 AM) *
Aargh!! Exam stress is eating away at my willpower!
I've been borderline binging for the past few days. I've eaten pizza twice, and full-fat brownies, etc. On one hand, I want to be able to just say screw it, and eat whatever I want, because it's only for a week. On the other hand, I'm afraid that I'll balloon out of control in both my weight and eating habits. Aaargh!!! I don't have time to be obsessing on this, I need to study!!!


I hear you on this, I just finished my finals week and I was confined to my apartment which means lots of grazing. I went through an entire box of cereal in like 30 hours. But I really know what you mean about feeling that you shouldn't be thinking about it because school is more important. I struggle with this all the time. Especially because I spend so much time at the gym that I feel I could spend on school. I'll send you some good thoughts!
sassafrass
hi everyone! I'm new here (altho' a longtime Bust suscriber) and thought I'd pop my head in here and introduce myself, even tho' I haven't read all the posts. I have eating issues and have recently begun attending "Overeaters Anonymous", which has been a total godsend. I had preconceived notions about OA, but they welcome anyone who wishes to stop eating compulsively, regardless of size or habits. It's so nice to be surrounded by people who completely understand my food/body issues, and I'm betting that I'll find that here in this forum, too.
MaybeSparrow
Its been kind of a hard week for me...Lots of food related events in my life where the temptation to eat has been high and the food has been really bad. As a result, I have been overexercising to compensate which makes me sore and tired. My roommate just brought home shit loads of extra food from this big picnic event, and now I have peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies staring at me day and night. Not to mention the gyro pizza and garlic bread, and other stuff people keep giving us. It gives me genuine panic to know the food is there. I had pizza today and cheesecake yesterday and I want to run until I collapse. Plus, I have been struggling with making lists of everything I eat and the calories it contains. I feel really out of control when I don't, and its just been a hard week in general.
I started my full time job, and I have to constantly think about when lunch is and how much am I going to eat and how many calories have I had. I AM SO SICK OF IT! WHY CAN'T I JUST EAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND NOT BE THINKING OF FOOD 24/7?!?! I am not overweight, but I think about food CONSTANTLY.
Some days are good, today is not one of those days. sad.gif
crazyoldcatlady
ya know sparrow, there's a subcategory of ED's called "orthorexia", where the person restricts calories and compulsively exercises in the name of health. not saying you fall into this category by any means, but from what you mentioned in your posts, i can see traits.

(then again, what woman *doesn't* have a trait of an ED? the funny thing is [side rant] that most suposedly healthy and reputable diets and weight loss tips have roots in tricks that women with bulimia and anorexia developed first. but i digress.)

http://www.webmd.com/news/20001117/orthore...-diets-gone-bad

there's more links out there, this one was just sort of superficial, but it sorta gets the highlights (and it's webmd, which i like)
MaybeSparrow
Wow, this "orthorexia" actually describes my behavior pretty accurately. I am not this extreme, but looking in how much I've changed in a year, it could be someday. I have been considering therapy for a while now, and I've been getting more and more signs that its the right thing to do. Thank you for bringing this to my attention,crazycatlady, I'm going to keep researching it, and hopefully something good will come.
I am a little afraid though. I worry that recovery will result in eating poorly and exercising less. But talking to you ladies is helpful tongue.gif
opheliathemuse
hi guys.
not in here often, I mainly lurk and pop in when I feel a little stressed. MaybeSparrow, you listed some behaviours I recognized.
I feel guilty a LOT when I know I'm eating relatively normally but not in my routine of food. I hate deviating from my routine too often; the food I eat does make me feel better thankfully, but I also don't have that horrible guilt. It's so awful.
knorl05
maybe: dont let fear hold you back from recovery. think of it like this.. if you keep eating unhealthy you are going to cause yourself further complications down the road... but if you get into therapy and dedicate yourself to your recovery only good can come of it. there is no guarantee that you will exercise less but there is a guarantee that if you continue living this way you will continue to be unhappy.
MaybeSparrow
QUOTE(knorl05 @ May 22 2007, 09:38 PM) *
maybe: dont let fear hold you back from recovery. think of it like this.. if you keep eating unhealthy you are going to cause yourself further complications down the road... but if you get into therapy and dedicate yourself to your recovery only good can come of it. there is no guarantee that you will exercise less but there is a guarantee that if you continue living this way you will continue to be unhappy.


Thats the thing though, I don't eat unhealthy. I spend gobs of time planning meals that are healthy, and I feel like if I take time away from that, I'll gain all the weight I lost back. I know that I need to get help because its isolating, but I still have apprehension about it. Sigh.
crinoline
Maybe: Recovery has nothing to do with "letting yourself go", and if you are having disruptive obsessions about food and compulsions to exercise, perhaps a change in your routine would not be so bad. Recovery has to do with developing and maintaining a healthy and positive relationship with food and your body. Food will no longer have control over you, and you should no longer feel so much guilt and a need to compensate or "purge" through exercise. Fear is our greatest enemy in this; fear of gaining weight, or losing control, etc. Just as knorl0 said, don't let your fear hold you back.
knorl05
those are really excellent points crino smile.gif

i think the point we're trying to make -maybesparrow- is that there is obviously some issue that needs to be addressed.. you feel there is something not-right about your relationship with food. whatever it may be, dont deny yourself at least the opportunity to live a happier life with self control, because of your fear. fear is completely natural dont get me wrong, but i'm just saying that its beyond worth it to face those fears (when you feel ready).
MaybeSparrow
thanks crin and knorl, I guess I just need to tell myself that Recovery does not equal fat. I just look at times in my life when I wasn't aware of what I was eating as much, and I was overweight. I feel like if I am not controlling of it, I'll just spin out of control. Good ol' control, I gotta let go of some of that too.
knorl05
maybe: i understand totally. i remember when i was in my eating disorder, recovery for sure meant fat to me - especially because a lot of the women i read/heard about who had recovered were pleasantly plump. the articles you read, the shows you see, they all say the same thing... "i'm a healthy weight now, but i'm so much happier". i thought for sure they were lying to themselves, i thought for sure they were just delusional, because anyone with an eating disorder knows there's no possible way to be happy if you're not skinny. i'm not a shallow person, sure i used to lack a strong sense of self, but my eating disorder was not about being superficial. my eating disorder occurred due to many factors, but primarily it was the result of just wanting to be happy and loved. i believed, as do many women not just those suffering with eating disorders, that the key to my happiness rested in my appearance. that the prettier i was, the skinnier i was, the sexier i was.. the happier i would be and the more people (men) would like me. and men do give more attention to the skinny girls, the girly girls, but that's just how it is.. that doesnt mean shit about who we are as individuals. that determines absolutely nothing about us or our character or our worth. i understand the fear women have of ending up alone, of not being loved, but we have to realize how we feel about ourselves far outweighs what anyone else thinks of us. we have to be able to separate ourselves from all the messages that tell us we're inferior because of this-or-that, and we have to allow ourselves to be ourselves... we will never be someone else... we only need to know ourselves and find our own purpose in order to truly be happy. and i know that facing our fears is the first step toward living a more fulfilled life. and then you look back and you realize the irony is, everything you feared, was in effect being created by living in fear.
_octinoxate
hi all. i haven't been around enough lately to follow this (really important) conversation, but i just skimmed the last couple of posts and wanted to echo the comment that besides separating "Recovery" from "Fat" we also have to separate "Fat" from "Unsexy". I know that many men like a girl who's not bare bones. I also know that right now I'm at the heaviest I've ever been (which, you may care to know, is still not "fat" or even "chubby", 2-3 years post-recovery) and right now I'm getting the most attention from men I've ever gotten. They find me waaaay more attractive now that I'm healthy and happy than when I was super skinny and probably had an air of insecurity and weakness about me.

hugs to all the ED/recovering/recovered busties! you can do it!

ETA: where'd hannah go? how are you doing, girl?
MaybeSparrow
octinoxate, thanks so much for the support. You ladies are so helpful, and it make me feel good to know that I have people who understand. I am doing somewhat better with eating, but I am still over-exercising and feeling guilty about certain foods. However, I've stopped writing down all the calories I eat in a day, which is hard for me to do. Thanks again for the continuing support *Hugs*
hannahmh
Hey Octi, thanks for checking up!

I am ok. I feel like a lot of the eating disorder stuff is starting to feel more in the past, although I still think a lot—and sometimes, in a destructive way—about everything that goes in my mouth. And I’m still having a hard time adjusting to my not-so-skinny body, which, like Octi’s, is probably not near to fat. But it doesn’t stop me from feeling that way, sometimes. That a lot of women hate their bodies and obsess about food, even ones without any sort of diagnosed or official ed, does not really make me feel better. I really really don’t want to be one of those women, and I very much am. I know this self-loathing and self-scrutiny of my body is a huge waste of emotional energy. It makes me sad. And when I have children, although this is in the far-ish future for me, I want to be a positive role model. I want my girls, especially if I have girls, to see me happy in and proud of my body, and treating it with respect and love. That, too, seems still to be a far way off for me.

There’s been a lot of stuff I’ve been dealing with and I’m trying to deal with it without abusing food—binging, starving myself, eating totally chaotically. But working at a restaurant from 3ish to 2amish has not been conducive to healthy habits. There’s no time in there for a proper meal, and I’ve been too exhausted to work out. I get ravenous after work and then make unhealthy choices. It is also difficult for me living at home with my parents, which I am doing for the summer. And I’m going through tough stuff with my boyfriend, and there is a lot of change in my life. All this and I haven’t really fell back on my ed habits. Which doesn’t mean the habits I’ve been developing these days are the healthiest.

Good luck to everyone! Love and strength and all good things,
Hannah


_octinoxate
Sparrow, congrats on no longer writing down caloric intake! That's awesome!!

Hannah, good to see you back, and good to hear that you're not falling back into old ED habits! Congrats to you too!

I'll be back for more later, friends-- right now I'm getting my (hot wink.gif ) butt to a job interview! Cross your fingers for me!

love,
octi
_octinoxate
ok, hi again ladies!

i read over the archives and caught up, and i don't actually have a ton more to add. there are a few things:

sassafrass: welcome! glad you found the boards/ this thread! how are you liking OA up til now? still good?

sparrow: a quick word about over-exercising- obviously it's best to not compulsively exercise, but if you do, just be aware of how your body feels. you can end up really fucking it up if you don't listen when it tells you it's had too much. and believe me, you do NOT want an injury. it is NO fun. (and it's a real fast way to make it impossible to exercise at all, so even from an ED type standpoint, it's good to be careful.) ...keep up the good work with your eating habits! you can do it!

hannah: i'm sorry to hear things are tough with you boyfriend, especially because you talked about him before as a force that was really positive for you getting over the ED and learning to love your body/self. hugs to you, gorgeous.

knorlo: you fuckin' rock, and that's all i have to say to you!! wink.gif

MaybeSparrow
Hannah--I completely understand wanting to be a positive role model for my (very very future) children. I never want to project some of the negative body thoughts and cycles that I experience onto someone. I feel some of my food behavior is learned from my parents (although not even close to all of it), and I want my children to have a healthier relationship with food at this point in my life. I guess its motivation to get help, but it does seem really really far away. I hope your job/boyfriend situation improves. I'll send all of you busties good thoughts throughout the day!!!!
knorl05
((love and support)) thx octi, i think you're amazing as well.
crinoline
This talk about being a good role model for our future children has got me thinking.
How did y'all perceive your mothers' attitudes about food and their bodies?
I feel that for many girls and women, our mothers deeply influenced the way we feel about ourselves. For example, what sort of language would your mother use in reference to herself? Was it mostly positive or negative? How much focus was put on weight and appearance, control and willpower?
I know that for myself and my roommate, who also has an ED, our mothers greatly impacted our self image.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're doing well octi, and I'm sorry you're having boy trouble hannah. Good luck Busties!
mermaidgirl13
My mother always called herself fat and said she looked fat. She was never fat and now she's in her 50's she has a bit of a belly but I still wouldn't call her fat. She also talked bad about her hair and skin. I don't know how much it really affected me except that I always wished she realized how beautiful she was.

I guess the fat stuff sunk in a litlte because I always think I look fat or am fat but I don't let it upset me usually. I just think, Ho hum, I look fat, and go on with the day.

It doesn't help that I'm really tall because even though I'm not fat, I feel BIG because of my height.
hannahmh
oh man. thanks for all the support and love, ladies, and here's some right back atcha. the boyfriend broke up with me! it's def about him not me--he is going through rough stuff, and while i would love to be around to support him and such, he seems to think he cannot handle having a relationship right now. it's kind of good to know, for once, that being dumped is not a product of me being ugly, fat, unlovable, unfun, un-good-enough, or any kind of failure/ineptitude on my part. on the other hand, i am feeling pretty awful and sad and lonley. it doesn't help that i'm at home for summer, my family is away without me on vacation, man.

on top of this, i am struggling with eating in a healthy, happy, calm way. i am eatng so ad hoc--getting way overly hungry and then, like last night at the end of a long shift at work at my restaurant, ordering myself a panini and a slice of apple pie, eating things i would not choose ordinarily, yknow? and my two summer jobs--waiting tables and working in a kitchen, are so physical and have me on my feet for so long, not to mention for so many hours, that i am physically beat and not working out. any advice would be much appreciated.

lots of love, hannah
hannahmh
ps

i'm off to work now but i have much to say on the mom front smile.gif
MaybeSparrow
Bad food night. I ate at a mexican place with some friends, and even though I worked out an extra day to make up for it, I still feel fat and disgusting. Sometimes I feel like one night of bad eating will put back on 30 pounds instantly. I know I will punish myself tomorrow by working out a ton---but I don't know any other way to make myself feel better. I am invited to a bbq tomorrow and its always hard to eat healthy when surrounded by people who don't give a shit how many calories things have. Sometimes I bring "acceptable" snacks for myself, but then I just look like the douchebag who brought veggies while everyone else has beer and brauts. Ugh! I'm so sick of this!
crazyoldcatlady
you know, i've noticed that a lot of my friends are starting to exhibit some food anxieties, and i'm not sure if it's because they're just developing them, or that i'm more in tune to them now.

and maybesparrow, i know what you mean about the one meal/30lbs thing. i wish i could have like, chinese takeout, and not feel guilty about it. sometimes i feel guilty about it even before i order/ eat it...
knorl05
cocl: when i was bulimic i thought for sure everyone was or should be. it was this fantastic secret that i had found and i couldnt see any reason others wouldnt do it as well. i also didnt think it was possible for people to stay thin and eat any fat in their diets. my beliefs were grossly inaccurate. i dont know where we get our misconceptions when we are growing up.. i guess for myself i just saw so many overweight people in society and i assumed it was normal and that meant normal eating brought about weight gain. strange thing, no one in my family is obese though. hmm. but my point is that we have these ideas, and we assume the worst, when really we could just be noticing something that's not really true. BUT at the same time, many people have issues with food, especially women, so it's possible you're right about your friends.. all you can really do is just take care of you, be a strong woman, a role model, and a shoulder for them to lean on.. but dont overly concern yourself with their anxieties.
knorl05
just want to share.

i am going through some major stress in my life right now. i'm trying to employ my distress tolerance skills and look at the situation very realistically and understandingly. although it's hard.

relapse tempted me for a slight second: mindlessly eating to appease the stress. purging to curb the frustration. but i have realized.. neither of these things bring about any sort of solution to my problems. they do nothing to accomplish anything other than create more stress in my life. i have to isolate the problem, and attack it as best i can. using food or any other addiction to 'take me away' from my problems, never works.. and i have found it creates more problems for me than i originally started with. and then i find myself in my future looking back at all the time i've wasted.

i'm just sharing because coming from a healthy mind, a recovered mind, i wish i would have known this stuff back when i first began all of my compulsions. i've found the only thing to resolve our problems is the conscious effort to do so. our lives may never be perfect, but at least we can live better than what we know by being honest with ourselves and admitting we've got the issues we do. problems are frikkin problems and i think we should be taught more how to cope with our problems than try to hide, deny, or avoid them and pretend we are perfect.

i am not perfect, and i've fucked up, so what now.
hannahmh
knorl, thanks for sharing. thanks for such wisdom. i, too, am going through a lot of tough stuff right now. a breakup, big job changes, the list goes on (that first one has been the hardest).

hey--good luck empolying those "distress tolerance skills." do you have any to share?i could use some.

i've been doing some of that relapsey stuff that tempted you for a slight second. it's been tempting me for a while now, and i've been struggling not falling back into those habits. i've never purged but i've been doing a bit of mindless stress eating. here i am, publicy and personally vowing to stop. like you said, knorl, such behavior does not solve anything, not even temporarily. i need to realize what i can solve and look for productive ways to do so. i need to figure out how to deal with the stuff i can't control. but there is no place in any of that for messed up eating.

for real: any suggestions of things to do when mindless eating calls? i often feel too emotionally tired to, say, write, and too physically exhausted to excersize (this usually happens late at night for me) but i still want something to do with my hands or with my self. taking a walk helps. any other ideas?

hey, i love what you said: "i've found the only thing to resolve our problems is the conscious effort to do so." true dat. so knorl, here's luck with that. and please forgive yourself for fucking up. we all do. i think being kind to ourselves is something i find quite hard but quite helpful.

lots of love and thanks so much. please know that you might be talking/sharing your stuff, but that it helps me (and i'm sure others) a ton,

hannah
knorl05
hannah: yeah you know, life happens. we just have to learn how to cope. what's helped me the most.. is meditation. living mindfully, seeing the reality of the moment. letting go of the things i cant control and applying myself to the things i can. accepting and observing my life rather than judging or critiquing. breaking things down. we each have our own conditions of which we have to deal... we have to look inside ourselves and figure out what we need. i refuse to continue going through my life feeling inferior due to my mistakes or imperfections. i have not yet met a person who is perfect (which is entirely subjective anyway); and if i ever meet a person who hasnt made a mistake, i believe this person will also be both delusional and naive.

i guess the thing that's helped me the most is engaging my rational, logical mind. seeing things realistically rather than in some impossibly ideal form. one would assume that means i'm lowering my standards, when actually what's happening is that i'm becoming more at peace with myself.. and that leads to me making better choices for my life. fuck the status quo, i'm more concerned with being the best i can be. i think i'm gonna join the army. (TIC)
knorl05
so. i'm on vacation right now. the first i've taken since nov 05. in az. enjoying the sun. the scenery. and the food. so nice to be able to be involved and not have my neurotic thoughts keep me from experiencing this trip. i went running today in 100+ degrees and almost passed out from heat stroke.... hmm. drank water so that i'd be alright, took a cold shower. been laying out in my new bikini getting just a little sun - but not too much cause i dont wanna lose my glowing ivory skin that i've worked to cultivate for about a year now. point being. i'm able to be more in the present moment and do exactly what i'm here to do, have a vacation. a break from the routine. a change of pace. is nice.

hope everyone else is well smile.gif xs an os.
knorl05
i think i've put on about five to ten pounds. and i am entirely ok with it.

but seriously.... how it everyone else. you know what i've found? a ton of young ed'ers have myspace pages dedicated anonymously to their disorder. wow. it's become like some sort of subculture or something. bizarre.
crazyoldcatlady
knorl, your vacay sounds nice. i just came off a short break and it wasn't long enough. although i carbed out, and felt guilty along the way....
crinoline
I'm glad to hear you're doing well, knorl0. Sometimes a vacation is just exactly what we need.
And word on the ivory skin, if you've got it, flaunt it!
It's wonderful that you're in a place within yourself that you can just let go of the little things and really be in the moment. Have an awesome time!!

I haven't posted for a while in here because I've been battling inner and outer demons.
Today, I actually sat in class and tried to find a girl that I thought was I was equal to in appearance (I know, shallow, anti-feminist, I'm sorry), and I found no one. Out of 28 people.
knorl05
cocl: yeah it was nice, any amount of break is so necessary i think. sometimes we just have to shake up our routine to feel refreshed in our lives and put things into perspective.

crino: thanks for the support.. that's exactly where i am too. maybe it's because i've got other stuff to deal with but where i am now my weight seems so secondary. honestly, my health has now become number one, mental physical emotional.

and as far as comparing yourself, i dont know if it's really such a horrible thing. i guess it would depend on your intentions. for instance, if you were doing it because you were objectifying the other women, or if you were doing it simply as an observation. i compare myself to women on tv just to see the way i stack up, but the results dont determine anything about me or the other females.. it's just kind of like this guilty habit i give into. i dont judge them if they look better than me, i dont judge myself if i dont.. i just notice it and i'm like 'ok so this is me and that's them'. so i dunno, i guess if you feel you're being too harsh on yourself or the other women, maybe just try to change your relationship to that thing you do.
_octinoxate
hi ladies,

i've only had time lately to lurk and write a quick note here and there, but i wanted to weigh in on the issue of comparing yourself to other women to see how you "stack up". i found myself doing that a lot (and still do sometimes) and i know that for me it isn't healthy/ isn't something i want to be in the habit of doing. so, i just switch tracks and check out all the MEN in a group/room to see who i would sleep with smile.gif definitely takes your mind off the other ladies...

hugs to you all, crin, catlady, hannah, sparrow, and knorl05
MaybeSparrow
Ahhhh comparison, how much time of my day you take up. I honestly don't know whats worse, when you feel like you aren't as good as anyone in the room or when you think you are superior. Both make me feel horrible. I hate myself when I judge others by their appearence. Also, I hate when I invalidate myself when I see someone, who for one reason or another, is "better" than me. This can be appearence, academic success, personality, etc. I can be going along and feeling okay about myself and then I see a beautiful girl, and it goes out the window.....sigh.


Thanks for the support ladies *hugs all around*
knorl05
is it just me, or are there a lot of ladies in hollywood who appear to suffer from eating disorders? hmm. a correlation i think..
sassygrrl
Been a bad two weeks. Lost my job recently, and suffering from a bad funk of depression.. so dealing with this again. Also my parents are coming in 2 days. My mother is always on my about my weight.... dry.gif
MaybeSparrow
That really sucks Sassygrrl....Hang in there, things will get better...and if they don't, then you can come and bitch to us about it.
crinoline
Aww Sassygrrl, mom issues suck. (((((good vibes))))) Hang in there!

As for me, I'm doing okay. I haven't purged in two weeks, but I'm having more trouble controlling my eating. ( I keep eating large quantities of candy/cookies, etc. ) It's just that summer session here is sooooo boring, and my classes are miserable. Ah well, I've only gained three pounds so far (is it okay/healthy to mention numbers in here? I won't if it makes people uncomfortable) so it's not a disaster.

Octi- what a good idea with looking over the guys! I have always just scanned the girls to see how I measure up, if I "deserve" to be in the room, etc. But scanning the guys for hotness sounds like much more fun!

I do have a pool party coming up that my godmother is throwing in my honor, against my wishes. So I need to start thinking bathing suit soon.(aaaiiieee!) Why is it that I feel everyone can instantly see those extra three pounds in my very modest tankini?

hugs to all!!! ((((hugs))))
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