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bella coola
Hey, if you fine ladies don't mind I'm going to bust out the cheesy clicheness.

I think you've got to do what's right for you - your heart, or guts, or both will probably tell you the best plan of attack. Maybe attack isn't the right word. Or...

With some guys, you gotta jump the 'gun' (and find out right away if he knows how to fire) but others it's better to take it easy and see how it goes. That's what I've found, anyway. I try to just really listen to myself - try and quiet all the hormonal and 'what if' things to get to the good stuff.

Oh, and you go sassygirl, with your fantastic kissing by the car
stargazer
greenbean~i had a similar experience...not with sex...but with kissing...and kissing gets me going...i like foreplay and kissing is a great way to turn me on...so, i really enjoyed talking with this one guy...we would have 3 hour phone conversations...i would admit i was not immediately turned on by him...but, i enjoyed talking with him...i did all of the "right" things like not kissing him on the first date...just getting to know him...it was nice...but, then i kissed him...horrible...completely turned me off...i started to fantasize that sex would be equally cold and technical...there was no passion...i ended things soon after...

i don't really think about the sex part. that's strange. i kinda base things on my initial attraction and go from there.

sassygrrl~it is tough. i feel your pain. but, if his kissing is great, then i'm sure everything else will work.

bella coola~you're not cheesy. you had a valid point. there were times where things just felt right to have sex with someone. at the same time, we had some difficulty getting to know one another. and we were not right for each other come to think of it. i guess i keep kickin' myself 'cause i was so impulsive with mcrush because i didn't think i would see him again (the 2 times we ran into each other were pretty random) and i didn't think he would like me...well, i didn't give him a chance. and yes, i know it is self esteem issues going on here. i slept with him thinking i would see him again and had different feelings about him afterwards. and him the same with me. i don't know...sometimes i think it was meant to happen to teach me what i've been doing wrong in my relationships with men. mcrush was the first man in years where i looked at him before i even met him and thought, "i wanna be with him." i feel like i messed up big time. damn.

but, i guess i know better for next time....whenever that is....
Kalevra
Wow!

There are some really different views on this subject, it makes for a good debate (a mass-debate maybe *ahem*)

Stargazer, totally agree on the kiss thing, a kiss says a lot about a persons feelings abilities and sincerity, and also is a great way to test compatibility, not only in a sexual way, but a 'comfort' way....if you get my drift. You think I am wrong, lookit the slobbering Saasy over there *points* smile.gif that there is chemistry right. What we don't know is how HE feels right now.....

On the topic of sex on a first date/one-nighter, in myHUMBLE experience, I say humble because the number of casuals I have had, I can count on one hand, is normally bad sex. People have very different requirements sexually,....and there is LITTLE chance that people press each others buttons the right way, on the very first go. I say little chance, I do not assume that it cannot happen. Let's say you think the sex is FANTASTIC, and you have now deduced that you can proceed with a relationship, now that that issue has been addressed....what about the other person....maybe they didn't get what they want.....or were just 'going through the motions'.....pretty one sided now, yes?
The courtship thing allows us to assess the other person, on a mental level, and then, based on that, the physical side of things can be addressed.
I am going to use my own example here, as I have experienced it, I am not saying this is how it should be with everyone, but it has applied to me.
With my ex, I knew her in work, casual acquaintence type of way, and in the year I 'knew' her, there was a little chemistry between us, nothing crazy. In the course of one week, we got a lot closer, and eventually the kiss just 'happened' on us, no expectation.....great kiss, and both of us admit to this day, that that kiss was a mutually fantastic one. Anyway, sex follwed shortly thereafter, and we were both a little cautious and careful, it was not instantly rewarding, and in fact 2 weeks later we were still on discovery road, and by the end of a month, all we needed to know about each others sexual likes/dislikes was not in 'black and white' ...a year later, we were still experimenting, and the sex got better and better all the time....

I guess what I am saying is that, for me, discovery is a great part of the whole concept, whether it is a fuck buddy, serious relationship or whatever......it just feels right to go down that avenue with slow, deliberate actions....

Jayziz, never realised how much I can WAFFLE on....probably the frustration creeping in laugh.gif

sassygrrl
Raises slobbering hand...heh. Thanks Kal baby!

We shall see on Sunday eh? I'll see if I can control my slutty self. He wants to cook me dinner. How groovy is that? I love me a boy who cooks. smile.gif And he has dogs. Which is so rad.

I agree with you on the sex bit, and that the fact that discovery (sexually as well as intellectual and otherwise) is one of the best parts. In my opinion, first go around sex can always be really uncomfortable and weird.

Going to keep kissing boy hopefully... yay. smile.gif





katiebelle2882
sassy it's so great to see you so excited about this boy!

i think i am a freak of nature. some of the best sex i have ever had have been one night stands (or a short term hookup buddy). after about 4 months i am bored to tears with a boyfriend, and its not like they are bad or dont know how to please me. hence why monogamy hasnt really been working out for me. in fact every single time i have been like WOW that was some awesome sex, it was a one night stand. then again, i get off easier then most guys do so its not like i have to worry about that.

i just dont like the slow tender blah sex that comes with relationships. one night stands are always so carnal, so much more passionate, then anything i have ever experienced with a boyfriend. with boyfriends that "i want you now" feeling leaves almost as soon as it comes. besides my first maybe, and that was just bc i was a virgin. i dont know, this is why everyone is different.
greenbean
Katie, I'm with you: my most carnal experiences were when I was quick to hop in the sack. I think I have a weakness for Alpha males, the kind of guys that the nice boys whince at cuz its so easy for them to get laid.....but then whenever I snag an Alpha it backfires on me cuz I always want to keep them around, and theyre like, "Um, I cant be tied down, blah blah blah".

I guess I need a guy who can be sweet and loving and respectful outside of bed, but have the intuition (or knowledge, I guess I just need to be blunt) that I need to be manhandled and maybe a bit 'disrespected' when taken to bed. I suppose I need to give the nice boys a chance, and hope that I can unleash the 'bad boy' under the surface...
katiebelle2882
do they exist greenbean? cause if they do we need to find those boys cause i am totally with you on that. that is EXACTLY what i need too. damn!
stargazer
kal, man, i love you! it is so great to have you in the lounge. smile.gif

i am all about the discovery as well. i like to take my time with sex. i consider myself to be a patient and attentive lover. i don't like the quick draw mcgraws. stamina is a big thing. everyone is different i guess...
if i like someone, then i can be pretty open with a partner and accepting...i definitely like the whole process...even the whole seduction scene, which includes flirting....

sassygrrl, good luck with everything!

pepper
i can't sleep around. one night stands are totally off the book with me, always have been, even more so now that i'm a momma and need to be careful.
i have found that if it's good the first time, it will be mindbendingly great the fifth time. and i'm into kinky shit, can't just spring that on a fella all at once!
sassygrrl
do they exist greenbean? cause if they do we need to find those boys cause i am totally with you on that. that is EXACTLY what i need too. damn!

Damn, was trying to insert quote there.

I'm with both of you gals.

A few of my one night stands have turned into full on relationships. Howver, I went thru a fuck buddy stage (my last great fuck buddy who is also a close friend --long story... just got married. So we still have a fliration thing going on, but we now know we'll never screw again) in college and a little after, but I'm over it now. I'm not saying they're fun, b/c they were. But, it just left me... empty. Probably filling the void for something else I was missing. I don't know.

Kal, where you at baby?

So glad I'm stoked about crush boy. But, also scared. He just seems almost too good to be true. Don't want to get burned again.


sassygrrl
Just got off a long IM session with one of my old high school friends who I haven't seen in damn... don't know like 13 years.

Anyways was bitching and moannig about today's crap day and crap job.
And we were talking about boys. He told me that one of my old high school exs saw a pic of me recently, and started to cry. Told me that he told her he was in love with me.

I saw this bloke like 5 years ago (he found me via my high school friend) and had lunch. I hadn't seen him in over 5 years, and he opens up his mouth with "I just got divorced." He had moved home to our hometown. That's fine if you're 18, but living in my hometown after the age of 18 (unless you want to settle down and have a family) is whack. He made me justify why I was living in Atlanta (at the time it was the place to be, like I said this was 5 years ago). Anyways, he's had turned amazing religious freak on me.

Anyways, it makes sad he almost cried over me. Yet he has G's email, and she knows my email. Weird though. He was a good boyfriend, but he broke up with me to date some whore (in high school).

Do men smell a phermone on us or something? Exs are popping up out of the woodwork. Bleh.

Kalevra
Ok then, ....we have

Katie
Greenbean
Sassy..

Now with all due respect, these girls like the wham, bam, thank you Ma'am approach from the boys smile.gif You know what freaks me out about this....? Meeting you for real now would be the most interesting thing EVER. heee heeee
Seriously, that is cool that you look for the 'Alpha' males, but what you say is 100% correct. You need a balance. I have 2 buddies who are proper Alpha's, the one guy holds a record here of 7 days, 7 different girls, two of them on the same day....he NEVER fails to get laid. One of them is now in a serious relationship, he has found his longterm desire.....and he is battling. He needs to sow more oats. I also heard via two of his conquests that he was shit in the sack...

We also have:....
Stargazer
Pepper

Yep, we have found some common ground here..... as I said before it is a DISCOVERY, in one previous relationship, it was open enough that we could communicate our desires, but not always directly, the subtle hints were like a little game....fun! I found out this way, that spanking, a bit of roughness and biting (not tearing chunks but nipping) were things she liked.....not all the time, but occasionally...and it went on like that......it became a great part of our relationship....and surprisingly carnal....
I communicated to her that I sometimes need a 'quickie', or something dangerous, where we could get caught....we had a LOT of fun with that.....restaurant washrooms, cars.....

Damn, I am frustrating myself again...

I like it here.

*blows kisses for the girlies*

sixelacat
Hi, fellow frustratees! I started to post in Crush, but realized this thread was more, um, accurate for me right now. The thing is, I think I'm more frustrated with myself than anything else. The whole thing with cellgrrl just started striking me as so....high school. (Okay, it would have to be Pervert High, but still). She said but then I heard and then she passed me a note (text) and then.....fuck it. I'd still rather be single than with anyone I've ever met so far, but then start wondering why I'm not meeting more interesting people. Then I figure it's because I'm not doing the things I really want to do (don't have the career I want yet, live in the city I want yet, etc.). I feel so behind right now, like anybody I would like to be with is already doing all the things they want to be doing so we're in totally different circles. I hope that makes sense.

On the courtship note, I personally am extremely adverse to sentimentality, but am a die-hard Romantic. Cards and flowers and whatnot because you are "supposed" to do that as part of some prescribed ritual seems meaningless. Romance for me takes time, because I have to have the "getting to know you" process Kal is talking about. Not that I don't believe it can happen right off the bat, it's just extremely unlikely (but hey, anything's possible).
katiebelle2882
Kal,

I am sure your friend who gets laid so easily is extremely goodlooking and charming. I kind of have a theory (that has sort of been proven over the years by talking to both sexes) that the most attractive people are the most shite in bed. Why? Because they know they are hot and they think the person should just be happy they are able to have sex with them. Therefore, they dont try at all in bed.

In any case, yes i think balance is important, however, I still maintain that the hottest sex for moi has been F-buddies or one night stands. There was this All American rubgy player once...mmmmmmmmm.


ok i am done reminiscing. I think its cool that it takes all kinds in this world. And while i am 24 I, like your friend Kal, just need to do my own thing for awhile. When i find someone I love love love, I'll be willing to settle for less then stellar sex, bc I have kinda resigned myself to the fact that I will have to settle. Which sucks, but oh well.
pepper
oh kal, you're just reminding me of how many girlfriends i have pervertized. in highschool i gave them all verbal lessons on performing oral sex (and got a couple of 'thank yous' from some of their boyfriends along with lecherous looks. damn, that was weird. sometimes it pays to be mysterious and pretend like you learned it all on your own eh? highschool girls. hmph.) and my neighbour and i over the last couple of years would just meet up for tea and dish the dirt about our exploits. she was dating a sweet gentle buddhist but over the course of a few months of me telling her all the horrible, nasty, rotten, delicious things this bad, bad man was doing to me she got all curious and hinty hinted her way into some hairpulling, scratchy-bitey-spanky goodness with her squishy mister.
ah, those were the days.
and now i am lusting after ex's all over the planet and confused all to hell about the not-serious/i love you crushie. wtf. colour me frustruated. i know, i know, i'm still gettin' some but meh, i might be less frustrated if i wasn't. ?
greenbean
Quick draw mcgraws! Pervert High! stargazer, six, you had me laughing there!

Actually, Katie, the Alphas I've been with were NOT extremely good looking, just real cocky and hold that "you want me" attitude. And I agree that real good-looking peeps usually are lazy in bed. I read somewhere that Marilyn Monroe was gawd-awful.

I'm gonna keep taking it slow with Nurse Boy and hope that it pays off. If it doesnt then I'll go with Kal's and Pepper's idea with the hints. (Hmmmm,,, spanking, hairpulling, y'll are making me drool here:P)

katiebelle2882
yeah i think its that attitude that makes them so much more attractive to us. i rather get one of them in bed then some skinny emo guy who wants to be "sensitive" to my needs. not sure why that is hmmmmmmm
crazyoldcatlady
(i would so do a one night stand were it not for my deathly fear pregnancy and std's. god knows i'd even have that shit wrapped. oh, snap, should i put this in the confessions thread?smile.gif )

Anyway, i wanted to throw something out there, because i find this particularly annoying. Potential dates etc. have been too heavily reliant on text messaging to get in contact with me. i have a lot of issues with this:

-don't text me a novel. callllll.
-i have to pay for incoming texts.
-comes off as lazy/ball-less
-some texts have gone awry, leading to misunderstandings.

now, i'm torn, because god knows i'm fucking addicting to email and AIM. but texting? i can't get into it. maybe because i've never had a crackberry?
emtee
See now, I'm the opposite. My type is, and has always been, lanky, scrawny and over-sensitive. And usually gay.
Perhaps shaking things up would do me no harm, but big guys scare me. It's a holdover from my first aggressive and psychotic dating experience.

And I HATE text messaging.
sassygrrl
I HATE text messaging.... It does lead to misunderstanding.. bleh.

There's a crushie who is constantly texting me, and he's not on my phone provider, so I'm paying for it. Now, we get along fine with IM and email, but...

GB, good that you're taking it slow with Nurse boy. I'm trying to do the same with McCrush, but we're making dinner this weekend. And I'm insanely honry this weekend due to PMS. I'm going to try not to be a slut...

Had a dream about old ex from high school. Weird. I guess he could contact me if he wants right?? Lusting over exs is just weird..and fucked up.. had a bunch of dreams about a few of them lately. Really pissing me off.

Pervy High... brings back memories... heh... smile.gif Skipping 5th period to go make out with boys...ha.

Need wine.


stargazer
the whole discovery process is akin to intimacy...there is alot to reveal and take in from your partner...why do you think sex and money is such a problem for couples/partners? lack of communication. there can be freedom and great sex with open communication. oh, and it helps not to have any expectations. you are setting yourself up for disappointment by placing requirements/expectations in the sex department.

i've had some insecure lovers. and they were the least exciting for me in bed. i eventually become bored. and they were both the most experimental in bed. but, after awhile, it is too contrived and unnatural for me. i definitely like sex to be more organic. i get off on the simple things...like the touch of his skin, the sounds that happen, the noise of the bed...when lovers rush during sex...i don't think they appreciate the person in front of them...they come off pretty selfish...and think they are great lovers just 'cause they get off...while i'm laying there thinking, "good for you." it's almost like a child discovering their genitals for the first time...like, "look what i did." yeah, this attitude tells me they are just as childish in a relationship.

i HATE text messaging and IMing. call me, dude. it's like a bad tease. cold, impersonal, blah, i hate it. makes me think the person has difficulties emotionally connecting.

sassygrrl~life is all about opportunities. and pooh on the guy who didn't have the balls to tell you he liked/loved you. his loss. i had a male friend who dropped off the face of the earth, saw him at my high school reunion, only find out he liked me....and i'm like," why didn't you tell me this before? now, we'll never know what would've happened?" (i was with my ex at the time)

sixelacat~don't be so hard on yourself. i've been punishing myself by thinking why i'm not in similar places as some of my friends. but, life is not a race to be won, but to be experienced and enjoyed. i think you are onto something though. i'm sure if you keep doing the things you like and enjoy, then you will meet someone with similar interests and to your liking.
bella coola
Way to put it down, stargazer! The best lovers are the ones that don't think of their performance, they're too busy savoring every moment of it. It's the only way to live life.

And I agree: IM does not equal savoring life
sassygrrl
Stargazer, excellent post. Again, thank you for PM.

Been thinking seriously about the money issue with couples. I am amazed right now with McCrush and I. We've gone out twice. Once I paid (I asked him), and the next he did. I am truely amazed. My last ex bitched and moaned if I even looked at a DVD, and would gasp in horror: "I'm NOT buying you that!!" Yet, he would then go buy random power tool that he didn't need. Sad thing is, he made at least three times more than me, and still lived with parental units at 29. Seriously fucked in the head. Anyways, they always say couples fight about three things: kids, sex, and money. Possibility that maybe all three have to do with power perhaps??
It's always been a slippery slope with me. Tomorrow shall be interesting, as we're actually going on shopping date to Best Buy. I'll tell all how it goes. I need tunes and new DVDs.

Had a long talk with best friend (who I have known since high school) about random high school exie popping up. He knew us both obviously. His exact words: "Fuck baby! If he didn't profess his love then or 5 years ago now when you had random date, he never will. Besides, he's become massive holy roller, and time has not been well to him. Screw him. And move on...." Best friend was drunk when saying this, but his advice has always rang true. It's not that I haven't moved on, just very bizzare. Yet, boy left me for massive slut who probably has HIV (infact, if I recall I gave her a HIV test in senior will) during my junior year. Ahem.

I only IM those who I do not call on a regular basis. Even then though, it's so impersonal as said to a phone call. And call me romantic and old-fashion, but I really REALLY miss letter writing. I know email is of fashion and quicker nowadays, but getting love letters is so nice compared to like Mastercard bill. I still send funny little cards to friends and family.

Ah, what to wear tomorrow on big date?? I did just buy new pair of cute jeans at Old Navy. Perhaps those.


Sixel, I agree with star on this advice. smile.gif

Ugh, crawling back into bed. Can't stop thinking about how insanely good Illusionist was, which is why I'm up at like 3 a.m. Bleh. Go. See. It.


sixelacat
I love you guys!

stargazer, it's true, I am a bit hard on myself sometimes. I don't compare myself to my friends or others my age, because they aren't me, but I look at my potential and sometimes get frustrated because I haven't done near as much as I think I could have had everything gone perfectly in my life. Yeah, no unreasonable expectations there! It's funny, usually my advice to others who are having trouble finding suitable partners is to see if they are actually doing what makes them happy, because then they are more likely to interact with people who have similar value systems. Thank you for reminding me to listen to my own advice!!!!

Of course, knowing all that doesn't make me any less horny right now! Ah, well.....

sassy, the money thing can get weird! I think a large part of it seems to be how money affected the parental dynamic (if one parent earned more, etc.). I know my mom has pretty much supported my dad most of my life, and I have more respect for someone that can earn their own money and has respect for earned money in general....

And I love text messaging as a unique form of communication, not as a replacement for any other kind. I still call, write letters, email, and IM. Yet it is still so much fun to send someone a text in the middle of the day with some amusing thought you just had, or to receive same. It can enhance communication, as long as it's not used to replace other forms (IMHO). To me they are all varying degrees....
sassygrrl


Watching Eddie right now. Forgot how funny Glorious was. Still need to get it on DVD, watching old VHS. I wanna get one of the DVDS on his site that are autographed, but I'm not sure if my player can play British dvds. Anyways. smile.gif

Sixel, we love you too honey. And, I'm with you on the money thing. My father I think always made more than my mother (I just realized how much like this year). It was never discussed in my family much. However, they bascially split everything 50/50, which I always thought was a good move. Funny enough. I dated a bloke after college. I remember that I wa living with my best friend. Anyways, they had the same name. We (bloke and I) had been out the night before getting on drink on. Hardcore. So, I woke up hungover. We lived right across the street from a bagel shop. I was throwing up, and my roomie said: Go get the girl so food. He got all pissy, and was like "Bagels are expensive!!" My roomie told him to fuck off, and get the hella out of our apartment. Needless to say, that was the end of our relationship. Besides, he was horrid in bed. Plus, he had an obsession with one of my gal pals (I was basically her Rhonda). He would always be like: "I wonder what T is doing??" Finally, roomie was like, "Asshole, you're not dating T, you're dating Sassy!!" Heh.

I agree with silly text messages. My old college professor and I have an ongoing text relationship ...going on.
It's nice to get silly texts from him, b/c we rarely ever see eachother.
crazyoldcatlady
oh yeah, god knows i love the texting for randomness (i have an ongoing text friendship with someone long distance whereby random rap lyrics are sent), but in the the context of a new romantic relationship? nah-uh. i don't want to be texted with "r u busy 2nite" and "lets go to dnr at 9, c u then" ESPECIALLY if we just started dating. it just irks me.
sassygrrl
This is an old professor who has still student crushie on me. Yet, I'm not a huge fan of the booty text message.
stargazer
no problem sixelacat!

rereading my advice to you. i was trying to think about what it is i like to do. i know this sounds funny. i've been so busy with school for the last several years that this past year has been spent reconnecting with the things i love. i really love music. and i don't know if it is still an adolescent thing for me to be so connected with music, but i really want a guy with an interest in music and to be creative. i have the whole intelligence thing going on...i'm gonna be a doctor. i need someone to help me get out of my head. i'm pretty turned off by other intellectuals. i mean, i have great conversations, but i tend to connect with people on a deeper level when there is a great emotional connection.

my whole issue with technology has been ongoing for the past year. tired of my own dependence of it and trying to get to know people in real life. i seriously believe people's social skills are dwindling as a overdependence on technology. but, then again, i've made some great friends on here and other places on the 'net. just frustrated i guess...and part of it is with myself...so, i've just been flirting with many people, working my magic, it's actually been pretty freeing...but, i think i've always been flirty...i just never gave myself credit...
pepper
omg, i LOVE the booty call.
i dunno about text message anything, don't you need a celery phone for that kinda thing? i ain't putting that nuke box next to my head man, my BRAINS are in there!! forget it.
sassygrrl
Yeah, cell phones are for text messaging....

katiebelle2882
ohhh texting is THE BEST. it means i dont have to actually talk to someone on the phone and i can multitask which is always cool. i dont have time to talk on the phone and listen to your shite. i mean its not good for getting to know someone, but whatever it beats having to sit around and talk on the phone to people who you can easily get the job done with over a text like "be there in 5 min".

then again, i am NOT a phone person. i cant live without my cell phone and would have been in major trouble more then a few times if i didnt have one, however, i never call anyone back.

if it wasnt for IM, i wouldnt be in touch with about half of my old friends that i normally would have lost contact with simply because i cant stand to talk to people on the phone. its made my life so much easier. that being said, it isnt necessarily a good way to actually get to know someone, but to stay in touch easily it rocks.
dani837
I used to txt mssg my hookups when I was drunk. NOT GOOD. so embarassing, but then they would become funny moments, like th etypical "WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME" to your friends tongue.gif
stargazer
damn. i try to pretend that i don't care...focus on myself...i don't need anyone...

but.

i.want.a.boyfriend.

that's all. i just wanted to rant...
sassygrrl
Me too stargazer....

"I want all that stupid all stuff, bitter and sodas.... I want a boyfriend..."

Damn, love Liz Phair.
stargazer
OMG!!

I was just singing that song today. I have it on a mixCD followed by the Ramones, "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend."

Damn Liz Phair! smile.gif
auralpoison
OMG! I often make iPod mixes dedicated to boys. Retarded, I know. My first Jcrush mix has both of those songs.
edie52
Being single is kind of sucking for me right now... though usually I'm okay with it. It's mostly the sex part. I don't want to have casual sex, though I sometimes do it, but I mean, I don't enjoy it the way I do boyfriend sex. And I usually regret it. It's also usually when I'm drunk. And sometimes I'd like to stop after a bit of making out, but don't. I know these are all bad signs. Also, I think this has been mentioned here before, it's hard to meet someone and start a relationship BEFORE sleeping together. I believe someone used the words "fuck first, then get to know you" (maybe brooklynhermit?). I don't want to feel like I'm out of the dating pool if I become celibate.

Fuck. I should do it anyway. Celibacy starts now! Until I don't feel this way anymore.
butterfly
Hi Edie, I'm feeling kind of the same way- recently I've been asked what seems like a million times why I'm not seeing anyone, and it's starting to get to me a little. (I just NEVER know what to say- all my smart ass replies feel a bit defensive if that makes sense.)

I've been feeling like I'm stuck in a little routine that I want to change- and it isn't always easy. Random drunk sex can, in my experience, be great, and has led to relationships of all sorts, but I kind of don't want to do it anymore.
But yeah- how else does it go? That's a stupid question, I know, but because it's the way I've always done things I think maybe I have to go for re-training.

I'm sitting on my hands today, because I could make a call, but I know it would not be a good idea in the long term.... And I feel good that I've been resisting for quite a while now (months), but bad that it's still so tempting. (He's a lovely guy, I've known him for years, and the sex is superfantastic, but a) we're not meant to relationship with one another, and b ).....I don't know what b is....

I think I just find it really hard to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that I would like to be loved and cherished, and so I give off the opposite vibe. Hmmm.

/self absorption.
Kalevra
As a guy... I have GIVEN UP on the spontaneous 'fucking' that most guys consider the be all and end all of being an Alpha Male.....i get no enjoyment out of it......I am looking for something deeper....I like it that way because I am a fussy male, I may have no right to be, but I am going to be that way because I KNOW I deserve it....I. WILL.NOT.SETTLE.FOR.SECOND.BEST.

as a result, my posting in this thread will become more frequent....and so be it!
anna k
I keep considering dating guys I meet online and hooking up with them if I feel the instant attraction, but I rarely do feel that. A couple of times I messed around with someone (making out, sex without intercourse), and that was a couple out of several guys I had dated but felt bored with. Dating can feel like a job interview, and I never feel sex vibes or attraction at first sight. I've noticed that I get more into guys when I've known them for awhile and build an interest in them, but that's a rarity right now. I miss that, it felt more sweeter and more exciting.

It also doesn't help that I'm apprehensive to have intercourse with guys I don't know at all, and I don't trust just a condom or spermicide or going on the pill and gaining ten pounds and feeling sick. So I remain a virgin out of fear of diseases and pregnancy and not trusting just anyone to touch me that intimately. It's been one thing at a time, getting used to sex and physical affection. Me and a guy who hang out and flirt together saw a movie, and he put his arm around me, and I played with his fingers. It's different for me to be intimate or physical with people, so it felt like a rarity that I could be comfortable with really touching someone and not just letting them use my body and being bored with the experience.
stargazer
i'm definitely holding out for a relationship. sex outside of a relationship is very empty for me.

sometimes i fear i am too independent. i probably give off that vibe. i've been told i'm unapproachable by some and very accepting and easy to talk to by others. so, it's pretty confusing for me. i know i'm judging people by the minute i start talking with them. being analytical and all. but, i need to know you can handle my shit. really. there's a part in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind where clementine says that men think of her as a concept...that she's exciting, yada, yada, yada...but she's just trying to find some piece of mind...working on her own shit...that's how i feel...and it makes it worse being Latina 'cause I get hit on by alot of white guys...so already i'm assuming they are hitting on me 'cause they have the "I want to be with a Mexican woman" fantasy...and i have a booty if you know what i mean...so, yeah, i feel i get automatically put into sex object role by men...

i just want a man who is interested in getting to know me. and at the same time, i need to give him a chance to get to know me. it's not really complicated, i know. but, i'm so tired of chasing guys. i'm usually the one to initiate contact being the overachiever i am. it would just be nice to be asked out by a guy and not get "hit on." i don't know if i'm making sense here. i just want respect.

AP~you're not retarded. i've been making mixtapes since college about people. friends, lovers...a reason why i love high fidelity so much...i tend to indentify with male characters more than female characters...wanting a relationship and the fear of commitment/intimacy at the same time...i like to feel the sense of freedom...i need my space....
sassygrrl
I agree with you stargazer. I really love me some sex, but I went thru a stage in my life where I was screwing anything that moved. I realize now (years later) that it was just empty voidless sex. I really need to have at least a good connection with the person now.

I also fear that I give out that too much independant vibe as well. No man has ever been able to deal with it. I have a LOT of male friends, and I'm not sleeping with any of them, but most of my men in my life has been so UBER possessive about it.

One of my best male friends just got married this past year. Anyways, I think their marriage is so great. They both came into it very independent people, and they haven't merged into one of those smug married people. Both have seperate lives, and meet in the middle with certain things. She knows me, and knows that our friendship is of great importance to me. This is eventually what I want.

We'll see about McCrush. He's still trying to pass all my tests... .ha. My friends are very wary about him, as I am. I know that neither one of wants to get hurt on either side.

Yet, I know me. I know I fall hard and quite fast.

And what about JCrush?

Also got weird text message from Starbucks boy. We're supposed to grab some coffee after he gets back from LA. He got all angry at me about McCrush, but I know that was just about jeolously.

When it rains, it literally pours eh?


And, AP, so not retarded about making mix tapes. I'm making one myself right now.... smile.gif

stargazer
yeah, i was just writing to aural about the whole men as friends thing...

i definitely buy into the whole when harry met sally thing of women and men can't be friends 'cause the sex part is always there. and i'm freudian and i know the sex is ALWAYS there. even the ones you don't find attractive...as billy crystal said in the movie, "you pretty much want to nail them too." i also think because of the whole "friendship" thing...men don't work as hard to make women feel special...spoiled puppies...they are very passive aggressive...don't take the risk to ask women out on a date...probably why i have respect more for the aggressive types 'cause at least i know where i stand with them...a fuck or a date or a girlfriend....i'm pretty direct and to the point....but, alas, not everyone is like me...and i don't mean to sound all 50s donna reed...it is just the way i feel...some guys have watched too many john hughes movies and try to be ducky...

i don't need awhole bunch of male attention...i really just want the attention of one man in a relationship...
flanker_ji
QUOTE(stargazer @ Sep 22 2006, 10:38 PM) *

i'm definitely holding out for a relationship. sex outside of a relationship is very empty for me.

sometimes i fear i am too independent. i probably give off that vibe. i've been told i'm unapproachable by some and very accepting and easy to talk to by others. so, it's pretty confusing for me. i know i'm judging people by the minute i start talking with them. being analytical and all. but, i need to know you can handle my shit. really. there's a part in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind where clementine says that men think of her as a concept...that she's exciting, yada, yada, yada...but she's just trying to find some piece of mind...working on her own shit...that's how i feel...and it makes it worse being Latina 'cause I get hit on by alot of white guys...so already i'm assuming they are hitting on me 'cause they have the "I want to be with a Mexican woman" fantasy...and i have a booty if you know what i mean...so, yeah, i feel i get automatically put into sex object role by men...

i just want a man who is interested in getting to know me. and at the same time, i need to give him a chance to get to know me. it's not really complicated, i know. but, i'm so tired of chasing guys. i'm usually the one to initiate contact being the overachiever i am. it would just be nice to be asked out by a guy and not get "hit on." i don't know if i'm making sense here. i just want respect.

AP~you're not retarded. i've been making mixtapes since college about people. friends, lovers...a reason why i love high fidelity so much...i tend to indentify with male characters more than female characters...wanting a relationship and the fear of commitment/intimacy at the same time...i like to feel the sense of freedom...i need my space....


OMG, stargazer. I could've written this post! You covered all the nuances of my frustrated singleness (with the exceptions that I'm white, and have huge knockers, instead of a huge booty). Reading this thread has been really helpful lately. I am in such a non-dating rut. I think dating is complicated for those of us that deviate from the norm in any way, in terms of our attitudes toward relationships.
stargazer
glad i could be of help to you flanker_ji.

dude, no guys really interest me. i went out tonight. no one. i think my friend was trying to get something going with this guy tonight 'cause he fit my type...really just bald...but, i didn't feel anything...he was really nice...but, didn't ask for my number and i'm not willing to just give it out anymore like i use to. offer myself up. like i said...just tired of chasing...and the combo of cosmos doesn't help...but, i really am giving up on men...ugh...but, i still want a guy...damn, maybe i'm too picky...
sixelacat
Oh, I don't THINK so! There is no such thing as TOO PICKY, stargazer! That particular phrase needs to be stricken from your vocabulary with a quickness! It is only used by people who are pissed off that they settled, towards others are waiting for an actual MEANINGFUL relationship! If you have not found anyone worthy of you yet, it is most definitely NOT because your standards are too high! Is there even such a thing?! I think NOT! Try again, sister!
anna k
I feel like I'm picky too. I've dated guys who were more into me than I was into them, but I couldn't fake liking them to have a boyfriend. Sometimes I feel like plenty of guys are not worthy of me or wouldn't know how to handle me. I've never been anyone's girlfriend, and I've always been independent and used to being alone, so when I date guys it's for a temporary thrill rather than having them become an intimate part of my life.

I'm reminded of a comedian who talked about being picky about dating in her twenties, and dancing around, going, "You're too tall and you can't dance, and I don't like the pleats in your pants." By her thirties, she would see all the good guys snatched up or with babies, and she goes, "Where's the guy who liked me too much?!"
stargazer
sixelacat~thanks for the reassurance that i'm not picky! even if it was after many cosmos. *giggles*
sassygrrl
Being PICKY is a good thing. I think.

I'm still sort of figuring out if any man can deal with my independence. It's always been a dealbreaker.

Why do random old crushies keep popping in right when I start dating good guy?? And, what do I do with this?? I got three emails from crushes from like last month?.

Bleh.



Stargazer, going to go watch Eternal Sunshine now... I'm beginning to think I'm the Clementine character sans the crazy red hair. Although it was crazy red for a while back in the day... smile.gif
greenbean
ARRRRGGG!! arg arg arg.
I am officially a frustrated single! I went out with the Nurse last night and I really dont think its gonna work out. He is sooooo good on paper but I cant force a chemistry that isnt there. I really really want to like him.
I wish I could.

I agree that being picky is a good thing, but also scary. I wanna conquer love, does that make sense?
I wanna be soooooo in love with someone who is soooooo in love with me. So far all my relationships seem unequal in one way or another. I'm still a little young and dewey-eyed so maybe it still a good idea to hold out for 'perfection'....but the scary part is what if there is no perfection and I'm just gonna hold out forever?
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