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anna k
Mine have been unequal too. I used to be really shy and adore guys who would never be interested in me. Now that i've grown up and out, guys who are into me I can't get worked up about, and there's no equal feeling of he wants me and I want him, it's always wrong.
katiebelle2882
i think being too picky sets yourself up for dissapointment. i DO think you can be too picky, as in having expectations no person can live up to, even yourself. some people may say never compromise, but relationships are always about compromise, and if you dont, you really cant expect any relationship to work out if you ever even end up with one in the first place.

i dont however you should force affection, thats just stupid!

i had a feeling that was going to happen GB, i was hoping everything would work out for you, but i can tell you are a wee bit similar to me and its happened to me so many times before. dont feel bad though, you will find someone where the chemistry is good AND he treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
sassygrrl
I also agree with katiebelle on the dissappointment angle. It's like that line in Singles about the list that Bridget Fonda makes, and it's finally down thru the years to like, "A guy that says Bless You when I sneeze".. I remember I had a roommate in college that had literally laundry list of traits, and I think although it's good to have a list, she NEVER went on dates! I would just be like, "Girl, it's just COFFEE!!!" I wonder if she's changed any since then.

I'm not looking for perfection by any means. I just don't want to set myself up to fail. I know there is no fairy tale out there.

I have been keeping getting into unequal relationships as well. I think things should at least be getting to a happy medium. I just hope McGeek understands this. I have no idea. I'm just trying to BREATHE as Stargazer told me the other week.

I, too could have written Stargazer's post. I am super analytical, and classic classic overachiever. And, I read somewhere that you make up impression of person that you meet within 5 seconds. I think I give off this vibe of just a super bitch. Even though I'm not, once you get to know me. I don't think I give men the chance to even fall for me, b/c once they do, I start freaking out, and then it's over. Also, High Fi is one of my favorite movies.... smile.gif Could be just for Cusack though.

GB, that makes perfect sense to me.

((busty vibes)))





stargazer
whoa. i have the movie singles playing in the background. no joke. seriously. and then i read sassygrrl's movie quote. weird...

greenbean~sorry about things not working out. at least you can say you took the risk to contact him and see if anything was there. reading your posts made me think about my last couple of years of dating. i felt like i was trying to sell myself on the guys i was dating. i was being very logical. i would have some women tell me that i should give it time to develop. i would try. but, i never felt the spark with these guys. i pretty much function on a gut level with someone. and, yes, there has been times where i've been wrong about people....but, i would say for the most part that i'm an intuitive person. i keep thinking of that neko case song, "that teenage feeling." i want that feeling of BAM! intensity when i meet a man. and at the same time, i wonder if i am going about things all wrong and the reason why i am single. i'm not looking for perfection. i'm just looking for someone to challenge me to where i want to see him everyday and just hang...once i fall in love with someone, i can be pretty accepting of him...i'm a pretty accepting person in general....

sassygrrl~i just need a guy to have patience with me. patience is the one thing 'cause i am stubborn and have my opinions. as if you cannot tell by my posts. and i'm not always right. yes, shocking, i know that i'm admitting this....but, i need a guy who will challenge me. i need to feel his involvement. i'm really just trying to enjoy the company of men that i meet right now in everyday situations with no destination.

i find this approach for me to be liberating. i feel a sense of freedom and openness. trust me, i'm still frustrated and at the same time, i observe the people who cling to empty relationships to avoid being alone, to avoid relationships. i still question if i have right now what a relationship requires of me, but i know i'm ready for it now more than ever in my life...i guess i need to have patience with myself right now....
greenbean
Love this thread!
so yeah, when I say perfection I do the air quotes because obviously no one is perfect...I just wanna kind someone with that perfect-for-me mix of respect, humor, sexuality, etc. I know one couple that have been together for years and they are perfect for each other. I know they have issues like everyone else but whenever I see them together they are just oozing with love. When I see one of them apart and I ask about the other, he/she beams. The girl in the couple once told me that they 'just jam'. Thats what I want. I wanna just jam with someone. Like feel totally comfortable and excited at the same time.

stargazer, my mom TOTALLY was telling me that i should give it time to develop. She really likes the sound of him,..she'll be devastated when I tell her that its not working. Things were nice with Nurse and I dont regret taking a risk, but it was all to pleasant, and I need more than pleasant. I need butterflys. You cant force butterflys.
ps stargazer...I'm Latina too (half) and I've also been suspicious of boys wanting me to be their 'fiesty', 'hot tamale' and what not. (altho I was not blessed with a booty sad.gif , I'm a total surfboard!)
katiebelle2882
with my last crush (who some may remember me talking about cause i worked with him and now hes a very good friend of mine) it took a few times of being together for their to be butterflys. so while i agree that perhaps things like this arent immediate, they should certainly develop in the amount of time you have spent with him GB< and if they havent, theres nothing you can do i dont think.

and yeah, perfect for me is something i would like to achieve as well!

to me, GB, if you describe your time you spend with a dude as "pleasant" its like the kiss of death! its like when you hear someone being called "nice" and thats the end of the description. generally, at least to me, its a euphemism for boring lol.
sassygrrl
I so want butterflys!!

Stargazer, I plan on buying Singles this weekend. I really love that movie. And I love a guy who can challenge me.... it's a thrill to see if they can.


GB, I can understand wanting that perfect mix of everything. I want that electricity that I keep hearing about in books. I know that some couples just have it. I want whatever that is, but don't want to compromise my ideals or morals. Or risk losing my independence....I'm sorry it didn't work out.

KB, you're right at that. Normally when someone is described as "nice" is very kiss of death. It's almost like calling them a total asshole.


My parents are still HONRY teenagers around eachother. It used to drive me nuts as I kid, but I really admire it now. They just celebrated their 35 wedding anniversary two weeks ago... and my grandparents were so in love with one another. It's not that I neccasary want to know about thier sex lives (who does?) , but it's great to know that my dad is head over madly in love with my mother.


And, being a musician, I love the term "jam..." Great!! Listening to Miles Davis at the moment...

This probably belongs in the roommate thread, but I so LOATHE living with a crazy old woman. I was down house-sitting for my roommate, watching her cat. And, I lost her house key. No big thing. It's just a fucking key, and Margaret went completely ape shit crazy on me. I can't believe she doesn't own a duplicate. I am so getting a key this weekend b/c I'm over there a lot. M lives in the basement apartment, so it's just sort of a refuge away from the room I rent in the house. Strangely enough, I have Margaret(landlady)'s daughter's first name. So, she automatically tries to shove her unresolved issues on me.

So looking for a new place!!!

Grrrr....





sixelacat
I've never liked that adage "relationships are about compromise". It's too flimsy and easily manipulated. The things that should NEVER be compromised (your morals and beliefs), too often go undefined or unidentified, leaving them open to "compromise". I don't think it's possible to be "too logical" about a relationship. That feeling of butterflies comes from knowing you and the other person are on the same page about all the important things. Being able to define and identify your beliefs makes it easier to identify them in a potential mate. And by beliefs I don't mean "I believe chocolate is better than vanilla", I mean the important underlying philosophies of your life, such as "I believe humanity is inherently good" versus "I believe humanity is inherently sinful". Obviously these two philosophies would not mesh, nor would either statement be likely uttered on a first date. BUT, I do believe that your underlying philosophy shows in all of the everyday things that you do, your face, and your overall body language. Which is why I think love at first sight can exist, because we pick up those cues like body language almost subconsciously. And if those important things DO mesh, and you two just jam, then the smaller things just aren't that big a deal. Oftentimes it is harder when you are younger, and still forming your core beliefs. Many of my friends have gotten married in their early to mid-twenties, only to realize after a few years that they just hadn't solidified what was really important to them before the marriage and that what is important to one isn't important to the other. They are now either divorced before 30, or "compromised" and unhappily married. It's entirely possible that I'll never come across someone who shares my essential beliefs (especially since my dating pool is an alleged less than 10% of the population), and I'm okay with that because to me they ARE essential.

/my two cents
edie52
Stargazer, I really love that Neko Case song. The first few lines are what I hope I'll feel like when I fall in love again, that all the time being single and mistakes and regrets were worth it because it led to meeting that person....

"now that we've met, we can only laugh at these regrets
common as the winter cold, they're telephone poles
they follow each other, one after another, after another...."
stargazer
omg, i lurv you sixelacat!

i totally agree with you. there is the initial reaction of speechlessness and butteflies. this feeling continues as the unfolding of things occur. i have a best friend who said that she still gets a little flustered when her fiance walks in the room. like, "omg, i can't believe i'm with him."

i love this thread.
katiebelle2882
six,

i meant more along the lines of, if you think you are with the perfect dude until you find out he doesnt brush his teeth for the Dr recommended 7 min and you dump him, maybe you need to compromise. i dont think basic values and beliefs should be compromised often, however, sometimes you do need to compromise with the little things. i do know of many guys who "thought" their core beliefs were very conservative and backwards, yet with the right person, they came around to be much more tolerant. thats an example of how you CAN change core beliefs by compromising and the result is better for you.

i dont know, some things are cut and dry, relationships i think, if you set out thinking they are going to be that way, end up badly.

that would be cool if i found a guy like that stargazer. how long have they been together? i dont think a feeling like that will ever last with me the longer i am with the guy. maybe i am being cynical but i absolutely dont see it happening ever.
stargazer
they've been together for 6 years. met in college. she's 26 and he's 29. and she had the whole butteflies thing too initially. even though they fought like cats and dogs in the beginning. but, i think they were just meant to be together. they are very involved with each other. it is a very real relationship, fighting, loving...i like them as a couple. they look out after each other. she told me how on their first date when he grabbed her hand to keep her from falling...she remembered thinking, "i'm gonna marry this man."

so, katiebelle, while there are some cut and dry things to relationships...there is also alot of ambiguity. the point is to remember you are still connected. not every relationship follows a set of rules and textbooks. and feelings also have a big part to do with relationships. if you stay in your head and always function from logic, then your partner will question your emotional involvement. i've had to learn this point the hard way. so, i find out that if i'm open and honest, don't hold back, then i receive alot in return. if this freaks a man/woman out, then they are not ready for a relationship...and not the person for you.

it can and will happen to you katiebelle...you just have to stay open both body, mind, and heart.
katiebelle2882
i just re-read what i wrote and it didnt convey what i meant SG lol. i meant while some things in LIFE are cut and dry, relationships usually arent so if you set out thinking they are, there is a good chance things wont work out. lol ok that made more sense.
stargazer
sorry katiebelle. i was hoping i wasn't being too pandering in my post. and i agree with what you said about not going with expectations. the best things in life that have happened to me are the ones i was least expecting..
katiebelle2882
you werent SG! i was just saying how basically i agree with you but my post didnt make sense at all, so i know why you thought the wrong thing:) and i totally agree with you on the expectation thing. i know many people who are single hate the cliche "when you least expect it" but its true and i am single!
sassygrrl
I hate that cliche. I want to seriously hit people with rocks when they say that to me.

anna k
"when you least expect it." Or "when you're busy with your other interests." I have been a published writer, took ballet classes for several months, interned at two famous publications, traveled to Charleston to research the living situation after college, and have met NYC writers and artists, some of them celebrities.

Despite all of those accomplishments, not having a boyfriend or satisfying sex can make me feel like a prude or a nerd.
sassygrrl
Anna, I really loved Charleston, by the way....

Why is it when you find a great guy there are a million losers that come out of the woodwork??

samiam
*delurking*

Picky is nothing orange on my plate, no dark socks on my light carpet, keep your filthy hands off my perfect computer! Reasonable is expecting that he (the mysterious one with whom I've yet to be acquianted, but wait for his arrival like the second fucking coming of Christ), will have at least as much education as me (Bachelors, not much, really), make as much money as me (I'm a teacher, we are income-related jokes), and have met at least one Jewish, vegetarian, liberal, Spanish-speaking, kick-your-ass-on-the-slopes woman with big boobs that he wasn't scared shitless of! Greenbean -- I am not Latina, but I understand the "novelty" factor in dating. I am living in the wrong part of the country, but unfortunately the weather is good and my friends? The best.

My 2cents.
sassygrrl
Heh.

I love that I'm in that new stage of a relationship where everything is new... it's thrilling and scary all at once.... smile.gif

Big things for me, must be insanely liberal, love the environment, pro-choice, love pets, and have a mind. Mind I think is the most important element. I'm a hard chick to keep up with, and have yet to meet the man that can....

katiebelle2882
but i swear sassy that every time i have ended up in a relationship i least expected it. i suppose its stupid for me to expect all the time though.
sassygrrl
I know what you mean katie.... Seriously. With McGeek, it was the last thing I needed, and now look at me. Wow. And you know what the coolest part of it is? He lets me lead my own life, and is so cool with it. Totally non posessive which is such a suprise, given his profession....


katiebelle2882
thats the type of guy you need sassy! not like you dont freakin know that ha! i hear ya with the non possessiveness stuff 100%
sassygrrl
I know I'm freaking. I hate that all these exs are popping back up. Bleh. And meeting the parents (who just decided to invite themselves....) is going to very interesting....
stargazer
just thought i would pop in to say i miss having a convo with some guy just getting to know him...that's all...i'm going back to being sick now *cough*
crazyoldcatlady
you know, i was doing some deep thinking (HA!) and i decided that i don't like the name of this forum, because i don't think it accurately represents the discussions that go down in here. "frustrated singles" almost has a connotation of "desparate singles", when in reality, the thread is more about stupid shit that goes down in the dating world.

now, that doesn't mean that we don't all come in and say "sometimes i just wish someone were around to hold my hair back when i puke" (cause really, that's chivalry to me smile.gif ) but on the whole, why isn't the thread just called "singles"?

::hands stargazer some kleenex, wanders off to shower:::

greenbean
yes crazy, I agree. I may be single but I certainly am not desprate. Right now I am single by choice. If I really wanted a boyfriend I could have one.
Whats frustrating to me is all the gameplaying in the single world...not that I aint guilty of it myself.
It just seems like whoever is the first to get emotional/close, is the first to get rejected. And I think it goes both ways. For instance, I may be dating a guy and really start to like him, ..but if I let it be known then all of a sudden he gets distant. Same goes if I'm with a guy just for fooling around and then HE starts to get clingy, than I'm the one who starts to back off.
So weird.
Kalevra
GB... Hi! ....~~~wave~~~ wink.gif

Crazy.. Hi! ...~~~wave~~~ wink.gif

This should go in the inebriated ramblings post... 'cos I am a little intoxicated... but answering or replying to the posts of others should be done right here, right?

ummm, Stargazer....wanna chat? would love to get on the same wavelength as a girl right now, and talk about arbitrary stuff, but also have a little flirt thrown in, so that I know that the discussion is not going down a political, religious, mundane avenue alone...but one with a little 'I wanna know more about YOU' edge...mmm.

C.O.C.L...there is nothing 'desperate' about being frustrated..the fact that we are single (by choice or not) is frustrating to a degree, because ultimately we feel the 'need' to interact on a personal level with our 'opposite equal'...or am I deluded? cool.gif

GB, to you I have the following to say....*prepare for philosophical, mildly pissed rambling*....the case of either party being chased away by the potential vulnerability of the other, means that there is a little search for something more meaningful than just sexual/lusting companionship, both are looking for something deeper, and it IS the acid test of compatibility...or am I again, deluded? mellow.gif

on that note, I bid ye all a good night, and leave you all with the all important question...





WHERE.THE.HELL.IS.SASSYGRRL?? dry.gif

stargazer
sure, kal, i would love to chat...and i think taking part in the lounge has lead all of us to reveal parts of ourselves with one another. i like talking about politics/religion/art/beer...whatever...it is the little things that reveal a person to me. i was watching sideways on cable and there is the part where virgina madsen and paul giamotti (sp?) are talking about wine and what got them into wine, their fav wine, why it's their fav...just that whole interaction is sweet and endearing. oh, and i like when she talked with him about his book.

greenbean~yeah, i know what you mean. i've encountered men who liked me and wanted a relationship with me, but i just wasn't feeling it. timing. i just wasn't in the space for a relationship. plus, i was going through a spell of picking the wrong men. i've been thinking about that alot today actually. you live and you learn, i guess.

crazy~yeah, i don't feel desperate. i'm definitely ok with being alone or else i would've stayed unhappy in my old relationship if i wanted comfort and security. but, i knew i was not happy. i'm 31 and not gonna just settle with anyone. thanks for the kleenex! i'm feeling better. i stayed home from work another day.

yeah, where is sassygrrl? sad.gif
katiebelle2882
i miss having a guy to do fun things with. and that makes me feel like a loser.
auralpoison
Oooh! Hook up in the Bust Lounge!
katiebelle2882
haha
Counting The Ways
QUOTE(katiebelle2882 @ Oct 12 2006, 10:51 AM) *

i miss having a guy to do fun things with. and that makes me feel like a loser.

You're no loser! But I know the feeling, just remind your self how fabulous your are as a single minus the axiety of "when will he call me" "Is he sleeping with someone else" , "Am I too fat, not sexy enough" yadda yadda yadda. I think all you need is a big fat hug..So Here goes { HUG }
crazyoldcatlady
yeah, sassy's been MIA. we'd better get stories when she gets back.


gb- the "frustration" is more a result of the games that get played. it's almost like some emotional chess game, whereby someone makes a move, and you either go forward or pull back, based on some stupid notion that you're somehow in competition with the other person.

or maybe i'm just effed up ;-)

but anyway...

kal, you're not deluded. "opposite equal" is probably the hottest thing i find in a guy. (does that mean i'm a narcissist?)

which is a not-so-much segue into what i've been thinking about lately. i miss a good mindfuck.

i had this one good guy friend who would sit with me at a Denny's with cigarettes into the wee hours, just sort of picking each other's brains, asking hard questions, philosophy, amateur psychoanalysis, and good old debauchery thrown in. it was hawt, and i don't think i'd be able to give a better explanation other than intelligence is hot. not "smarts", not "pretention", but a quiet sort of understated "intelligence".

or you know, maybe i just need a good old traditional carnal boot knocking.
stargazer
intelligence is hot.

just learning about the other person and sharing is hot. no destination really. just enjoying each other's company.

i don't need a mindfuck. just someone who is open to me. wow. i sound lame. *giggles* i'm starting to think of that 70s song "ready for love." gawd. i'm quoting 70s rawk.

AP~you're funny. rolleyes.gif
pepper
sassy isn't MIA, she's around on the board every day, just not Here here.
mehbee she don't like to jinx up da fresh new thang yo.
auralpoison
Hey Star, I busted out the Bad Comapany whilst in the sack! Feel Like Makin' Love! We laughed til shit got all mushy.

And you're the one makin' dates with the Kal out o' the Lounge, you harlot! I barely hear from Doxy anymore! The Busties mens are of good stock, though.

Crazyold, I vote for the dirty shag!

Yo, Sassy? WTF?
greenbean
Haha! When I was living with my old roommate she ALWAYS played her Bad Company record when she and her boy were doing it. If I heard it in the next room I'd be all, 'uh-oh, not again.' I cant hear those songs now without getting a slight shudder!

I could use me a dirty boy right now. A while ago I was thinking about love and commitment but currently I'm like "Screw it! I need some action!!!"

I know I should be looking for nice boys but the nice boys seem to require patience and I dont have it right now. Does anyone remember that scene in Secretary when Leigh is making out with her 'nice' boyfriend and then she bends over his lap to invite him to spank her and he looks puzzled and just presents a condom? I SWEAR that is like, story of my life lately. I dying for a boy who knows what to do with me. I know theyre out there cuz Ive had em,...its just been too long!
anna k
"Baaaad Company! Till the day I die!"

While doing phone sex I liked playing Jack FM so I could sound dirty while Def Leppard's "Photograph" played in the background.
Kalevra
You girls are doing my head in!

Is there not something so special about being with someone, you are in the act (yummy) and a little look to each other, a great soundtrack to boot, and the world could just fall apart, and netiher of you could care less...???

I miss a partner....I miss trying to satisfy a girl, who is trying to satisfy me, and the realisation that we are trying to satisfy each other...

no, I am not frustrated, ...not.even.close.
emtee
shouldn't even put this in here, but I found someone that understands my need for a little rough play...finally.
crazyoldcatlady
QUOTE
I dying for a boy who knows what to do with me.


that pretty much sums it up. i'm tired of the dating games, but i'm also tired of the bedroom games that are almost like stalemates. a lot of fuffing around with no clear direction. i just want someone to be like "this is what you need, here let me take care of that for you."

now, this is sort of in contrast to what i was going to come in here and say, which is that i don't really want a relationship right now, per se. i just want a "life partner". someone who will hug me when i'm tearing my hair out, someone who's home when i am, maybe cooks, just someone to be around. i supposed i a roommate or cat could also fall into that category, but i digress.


(ot, gb, i finally saw secretary last week. i never thought of spader as hot until now smile.gif)
hcbeck
I'm looking for a woman who knows what to do with me!

...in bed, in conversation, in life.
katiebelle2882
TOTALLY agree with you greenbean. 100%

nice boys=hassle. i am convinced though that there HAS to be people out there for girls like us who like em rough and tough but who arent complete assholes to you, but at the same time dont make you deal with that emo shite.
greenbean
CrazyCL, maybe its cuz I have such an affectionate cat that I dont crave mushy stuff from a boy...she always sleeps under my arm at night and tries to cuddle every chance she gets,.. plus she uses up all the mothering Ive got to give, seeing as shes a dependent!

Heh, and I had a crush on James Spader since I was 8 and saw Pretty in Pink...mmmm, have I always had a thing for a*holes?...Actually I also had a crush on 'nice boy' Crispin Glover in Back to the Future: "Loraine, you are my density, I mean, my destiny"...guess it evens out.

Katie, I know Kal and the wiser folk are shaking their heads at us, thinking something like "but its when yer able to be emo with someone that makes the relationship special" or something to that affect. I know its true,...but can I just have a bit of fun for now?

Speaking of fun...I THOUGHT I was gonna have some tonight but my friend flaked on me. Grrr. Now I have to scramble for something else to do. I wonder where the naughty single boys are tonight...
katiebelle2882
eh GB you are probably right. but assholes can be nice too. they just arent cheesy. i have done the emo thing, the "why arent you calling me more?" yikes cant handle it. i want a guy who can be sorta an asshole, but can still realize that what they have is good and take care of me when i need it, and vice versa. i dont want someone who needs me around all the time, or who cant handle it when i say "i want to be alone", or do things on my own. basically, being able to express emotions is good, but being insecure and needy is bad, which is usually the case with men who can express emotions. also, they need to have serious throwndown in the sack. yes.


i feel your pain GB. that is all:)
greenbean
Ended up at a party last night with lotsa boys...but none of them did a thing for me. Not.a.thing.

Emtee...whered you meet yer boy?
stargazer
eh Busties, i don't think you are insensitive with the wanting it rough in the sack and having a good guy at the same time. that's how i feel.

i think some men have trouble integrating that a women can be good and naughty when we need to be. especially if a woman is forward about sex and what she likes and dislikes. i mean, i know there are men who adore women like this. i just think some men have preconceived notions that their dick will unless all of this desire and fantasy within us. forgetting that we already possess that before them. i think it is just insecurity in general. as i think what it would be with a woman....and i've done that one too. my ex was insecure with my comfort with my sexuality and willingness to try things. she was easily offended. i would have to learn how to guide her and talk with her about things i liked. communication and patience is important. sex and money is one of the top reasons people break up. mostly it's 'cause of lack of communication.

i don't know if i made sense up above.

yes, there are times i just want a pounding. not really want to cuddle. and there are times when i just want to be held and kissed.

now, if i can get the above forementioned in a relationship, well then, that would be nice.

i meant unleash. not unless. sorry.

70s rawk is great for sex. don't even get me started on the rolling stones....
greenbean
Dumb Greenbean!! Dumb dumb dumb!!

I'm always saying how no cute boys ever come in to the restaurant I work at...but last night an ADORABLE one was at the bar, giving me the eye. And I let.him.get.away. Grrrr!
I was really hoping that he would say something to me but seeing as how I was working, maybe he thought it would be impolite (he wasnt in my section, so there wasnt oppurtunity)...
anyway, I stood near the door at one point to check out the waiting list, and then he walks past me, says 'goodnight' and looks directly in my eyes for a beautiful second. Bah! I should have stopped him.
Sooooo disappointed in myself. He better come back.
anna k
Doing OKCupid again. I took a break from dating, and now I wanna do it again. I miss flirting and feeling sexy and cute and getting to know guys. And I need some action. smile.gif
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